#i cant look past it its my burden having a mind that goes to weird places like that im sorry

[marathedemonoverlord]

Ahhh! Fam I KNEW I liked you for some reason my Dumb Ass can't stand Lilith either

Though for me it feels kind of icky cause when I first played the impression I got was she was their family/sister and since they look at Lilith like that and reference how you remind them of her and then some of them (Lucifer) want to bone the shit out of you- It just....

Like...

.... If you have a thing for your sister just say so- I promise I ain't mad just mildly disappointed HAH!

why do you hate lilith?

Imagine you’re dating someone you plan to stick with forever. Whether you marry and have kids or not is up to you... Now imagine they won’t... stop... talking... about their ex? All the good and bad stuff that came with their ex? That’s the main reason why, though there are more.

I’m sick of the talk of Lilith. Every time they bring lilith up, its in reference to something I said or did. like i get it, please stfu

i know lilith never dated any of the boys or anything, she was just like a little sister to them. but like STILL. i already have a gender crisis (lmao dsfjksngfd) i dont need a friggen identity criss bc they keep comparing me to ol dumb bitch lilith

also i can dodge arrows. lilith couldnt. we are not the same, smfh

[asexualzoro]

list of reasons i find Brook ridiculous

for brook’s birthday, ive decided to follow up my other two posts of this genre by dragging yet another idiot swordsman. i have everybrook open on my phone next to me. here we go

- first and foremost his most ridiculous crime is existing. as he’s already so ridiculous as a character, im going to talk only about things hes done

- i want to know, did Brook make a conscious effort to change his laugh to sound like his favorite song? how long did it take? what was the in between period like? what did his crew have to say about this? the rumbar pirates were big on playful teasing, did they let Brook live this down? 

- ALTERNATIVELY: was brook’s laugh already like that? is that why bink’s sake is his favorite song? is that why it was York’s favorite-- oh we only made it two bullet points before i made myself sad

- relatedly i cannot make fun of anything Brook did in his backstory it will make me too sad. hes spared for now

- i DO want to say from a writing standpoint its so fucking ridiculous to me that he mentions twice being a convoy captain in the past and it never comes up again. oda?? why even bother to include something that cool if you weren't even going to do anything with it?? you could have said hes just always been a pirate but no. oda?? oda

- there was that bit where a bunch of people thought Brook was satan and addressed him as such (i think Satan-sama in the original, and the translation i read was like... Lord Satan or Lord Demon or something). not only did Brook never correct them, but he also ran with it and later used this case of mistaken identity as a reason to threaten to eat a man’s heart 

- also both men and women were showing him their underwear in that bit. bi rights

- those satanists let Brook get kidnapped while saying they would try to summon him back. do you think they're still at it

- Brook is older than... basically every old man in the series. Garp, Whitebeard, Rayleigh... all of them. something about that is so weird to me and i cannot place why

- Brook has seen and can prove the existence of an afterlife in One Piece canon and its then never addressed again

- Brook missed so many huge events while being dead. im looking at a timeline rn and these include the obvious, like, roger’s execution and subsequent effect on in-world culture and society and whatever. but also things like the destruction of ohara (which was in his home sea), the founding of the world power known as the revolutionary army (which was about 20yrs ago), and the births of every other member of his crew. wack

- he seems to know about stuff related to the pirate king post time skip, and i wonder if thats because someone told him or he’s just playing along now. maybe he just thinks Luffy made up the term pirate king cuz it sounds cool and he wants to support his captain’s interests

- if he DID ask though, like, who did he ask? his managers? did he pull aside some fan asking for an autograph at a concert like “hey, you look like a knowledgable young lad, mind helping me out?”

- i would love to be there when someone takes the time to explain roger, the pirate king, raffle, the One Piece.... and Brook asks them “what is the One Piece?”.... and someone has to look him in the eye (...or not) and tell him “i don't know” 

- Brook has technically died of fright (his soul left his body), like... at least once? it was luffy’s fault

- Brook was an urban legend on the florian triangle and i doubt he even knows that about himself

- when they're heading to fishmen island Brook gets all scared when they encounter a possible ghost ship and Usopp slaps him

- when captured by big mom he sleeps so godamn soundly and securely that he is harder to wake up than she is and this fact nearly gets a bunch of his crew killed

- Brook is the only character i can think of who has ever broken the fourth wall. he only did it once. maybe seeing the afterlife means he now knows hes in a manga. or maybe being isolated for 50 years just made his head be not screwed on right

- speaking of, there’s a bit in WCI at the wedding where Brook is decapitated. i don't know how it goes in the anime, but in the manga like... no one is shown to have decapitated him. his head just pops off. maybe he was just having fun

- also the bit where he rips the fake face off in wci. when someone calls him gross he cries

- there’s a bit in fishmen island where Brook is trying to ask Nami if he can see her panties (disgusting bastard) and he inadvertently protects her from being dehydrated by some guy they were fighting. except the panel setup reminds me a lot of / mimics ace protecting Luffy from Akainu, and it haunts me

- speaking of bits from fishmen island that haunt me, there's a page where it’s strongly implied Brook fucked a mermaid (maybe two). i will of course include the page here

- yeah. sorry. 

- when Brook first meets the strawhats he invites himself inside because “it’s cold out!” but he later admits in punk hazard that he cant feel cold. he was just lying

- no one introduces himself to Brook except Luffy for the entirety of thriller bark

- half related, Franky cradles Brook in his arms / carries Brook around for like a full scene in thriller bark 

- there's a link two second bit in film gold where the crew is just relaxing while they're planning for how they're going to get Zoro back and they're all shown eating burgers from pirate mcdonalds or whatever. and Brook is eating a burger and hes so messy that hes got burger on his forehead, and Franky is next to him just looking at him

- Brook also wears fake skin in that movie

- Brook has a running gag where he gets upset when things refuse to eat him and i was going to make a joke about it but im wondering if maybe hes just afraid of being left behind........ made myself sad again

- he cries when a dragon won't eat him tho

- Brook admits to reading monster hentai when talking to Sanji and Kin’emon and if i have to be burdened with knowing that so do you

- when hes trying to figure out the weakness of the zombies on thriller bark he overhears one ate a salted fish and lost its shadow and immediately assumes “oh, must have been the fish!” idiot man

- where does his sword cane go when hes not using it. it just appears. where does he store it

- there's a bit where the strawhats all use a combo attack at thriller bark and the first step is firing an electrically charged Brook in a slingshot through oars/oz. he ends up in a wall and no one ever pulls him out. i don't even think the manga shows how he got down

- enemies post time skip regularly assume Brook is dead when they manage to knock the crew out and it makes me wonder how popular of a rock star Brook actually was

- Brook goes on a mini rant to no one while they're descending to fisherman island where he wonders aloud how he sees without eyes and it makes me lose it

- this isn't Brook technically but Nekomamushi is based on a song Brook’s voice actor wrote about his cat.

- Brook literally doesn't have a brain. like i know we all know that but its so fucking funny. we make jokes about other strawhats only having one braincell or whatever but Brook straight up 100% just has a seashell where his brain is supposed to be 

-  why does he have rubber glove looking hands when hes haunting the castle at wano i fucking hate them

- relatedly, there’s a bit where Brook mentions he’s been, at kinemon’s interaction, sitting in a well for like... possibly days? is he okay

- honestly i love everything about Brook’s actions as a ghost in wano bc its so fucking funny but my FAVORITE fact is that Brook is in the wikipedia article about starving skeletons

im leaving you with that. appreciate ur local skeleton today

[if-the-crown-fits-translate-it]

Discord pt 107

[Date: 28/03, 3:41 AM GMT - 28/03, 4:33 AM GMT]  

[Direct continuation of pt 106]

jayyyyyyyy: “actually now that I think about it-- you're allowed to talk to us, but the rest of the court isnt. any idea why?”

Duke: “Today is the only exception on discord, the crown said that we may only do an introduction and answer any questions you few may have! curiosity when running rampant can be dangerous you see. With regards to twitter however, the truth is that we are simply more mature.”

jayyyyyyyy: “definitely seems like it-- you guys seem to be a lot more compact with how you respond to things”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “Duke do you remember meeting crown? just curious!”

Duke: “Do not tell the others I told you this but many times I have crept down and listened to the scoldings our siblings have given each other, the brutish way they bicker and the consequences of their actions. Poor Baroness, her dress I mourn for! the Crown understands that despite us being young and despite us being newer members of the family we certainly have much more of a handle on things than the other poor lions do.”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “Oh”

jayyyyyyyy: “do you like dresses, Duke?”

Duke: “Meeting Crown? it was a summer's day, Ibelieve. My sister and Iwere having an outing at a beach with our family and we went off to explore and then...... Hm. It is quite interesting how joyous occasions can just slip past the mind! how time goes so quick when you are having fun it seems as though Icannot quite recall.”

jayyyyyyyy: “that-- I. hm”

Kate 👑: “Oh, the beach sounds lovely! I've never been, unfortunately- I'd get too many weird stares...”

Duke: “Dresses I do find intriguing! I prefer trousers and shirts though - much easier to clean and outfits do not come to ruin if a seam of either garment rips.”

jayyyyyyyy: “oh! I was asking because you said you mourn for her dress?”

emuhlee: “Oh Duke, what kind of music do you prefer?”

Duke: “Oh beaches can be quite lovely! the water usually is so soothing and lovely. Kate, perhaps one day my sister and I may escort you? there are private beaches although I am unaware where the closest one may be.”

jayyyyyyyy: “I’d love to go to the beach-- its always seemed so nice, but unfortunately water burns me :')”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “I’ve never been allowed to any beahes but from what I’ve heard they're lovely!”

Duke: “I adore multiple composers, it is hard to say! Niccolo Paganini my rank among my preferred if it may help.”

Raeva: “I've never been to beach but I have been to the coast and watched the waves crash and turn.”

Kate 👑: “I've been considering... filing down my antlers so I don't get weird looks, so maybe I can go out in public- but I'd love to maybe come with you one day!”

[jayyyyyyyy: “oh! I was asking because you said you mourn for her dress?”]

Duke: “And I do mourn for her dress. It was crafted with such care and deocre. Beautiful dresses are already difficult to maintain and it is a shame when one falls due to petty arguments.”

jayyyyyyyy: “aah I see”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “Duke, how old are you and your sister? just curious!”

Duke: “I feel selfish for taking so much time and attention onto myself, do you have any interesting things about yourselves you would care to share?”

Duke: “My sister and Iare seventeen years of age.”

jayyyyyyyy: “oh! uh”

jayyyyyyyy: “well, uh.. I’ma full enderman, if you havent guessed already. a few people have commented on my eyes being green instead of purple though :]”

Kate 👑: “I mean...I have antlers like a deer... I don't know if that would be considered interesting...”

S T A L: “I'm not quite sure. Ithink I'm a human if that helps”

Duke: “These are quite interesting things! Tell me, jay are you able to teleport?And Kate do you grow velvet?”

Raeva: “I like your antlers Kate even if you tried to gouge me with them once~”

Duke: “There is no shame in being human, it is what my sister and I are afterall!”

Big G (they/them): “17 yrs old gang pog”

jayyyyyyyy: “I can teleport! Ihave a lot of control on where I teleport to, though I also tend to panic teleport if it gets to that point”

Big G (they/them): “Also I am definitely not human, which is interesting I'd say.”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “I have fox ears and a tail but sometimes my ears play music against my will- and I have like black holes for eyes- not sure if that's interesting but its something abt me :/”

Duke: “Oh, that is intriguing! how does it feel to teleport?”

Dollar General Tubbo: “Sorry I haven't spoken much, I am more of a listener; but I'll properly introduce myself. The name I go by is Moth. I am also an enderman... Sort of. Long story. Green eyed as well :]”

Duke: “Your ears play music?”

Duke: “Oh goodness, so many endermen! It is a pleasure to meet you, Moth. I am Duke.”

jayyyyyyyy: “it feels.. well, at first it felt, erm.. strange? it upset my stomach a little, moving within the folds of space and all. now all it feels like is as if someone flicked my stomach”

Kate 👑: “They do... it's such an awful experience. I always look like I came right out of a horror movie...”

Dollar General Tubbo: “Pleasure to meet you as well, Duke.”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “uhh yeah, my fox ears sometimes switch from normal to mechanical and play music- I don't have control over it though so it gets annoying at times

like sometimes I'll be half asleep and my ears are like "mmmm melohi go brr" and then I cant sleep”

Duke: “You all are such interesting individuals! Teleporting sounds like such fun but also like such pain, Jay. It sounds so unpleasant and yet it is as natural to you as breathing is to I.

Your ears truly are a mystery though Ren! Do you know what causes it to be as such, or have you suffered from this affliction since childhood?”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “like dont get me wrong mellohi is a poggers song but it's unsettling when its playing in a dark room at 2 am”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “uhh I have an idea of why ears switch.. although I’m not sure as to why they only play music-

and I mean I technically have had them since  I was a child but I wasnt born with them-”

Duke: “Was it a curse?”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “depends on what you mean by that..

Duke: “Nothing bad, I assure you. I am simply just curious.”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “if you mean like someone said some magic words and now I have to go on some quest to get rid of it, then no

but I see them as a curse or burden”

Kate 👑: “I'd take those ears over antlers any day...”

Duke: “My sincerest apologies to the both of you, it sounds painful.”

Raeva: “We all look like we crawled out of hell somedays.”

Big G (they/them): “lol”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “I currently look like I crawled out of my hell tbh-”

Duke: “You should see me in the morning before I had my first cup of tea, I am truly a sight to behold!”

emuhlee: “You've mentioned tea a few times, what's your go-to type of tea?”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “I've been wearing the same clothes for like- how long has it been- for like 2 weeks because these are the only clothes that fit me rn, god there's so much dirt”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “yeah what type of tea person r u??”

Dollar General Tubbo: “Ren, do we need to go get you more clothes?”

Duke: “My preferred blend is Da Hong Pao. It's rich blend is truly something worth tasting.”

emuhlee: “maybe there are doll clothes laying around for you, ren/j”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “*normal clothes wouldn't fit me anyways we'd have to get van manto shrink them-”

Duke: “Have you ever crafted your own garments?”

[An argument breaks out between two of the server members that continues alongside this conversation]

Duke: “Getting in contact with a tailor may be in your best interest. While the needlework will have to be fine due to your small size the amount of fabric you use up would be less than a yard, likely evening out the cost.”

Duke: “Oh dear me. Be kind to your flock members, they are all you have.”

Kate 👑: “This is what I meant when I said that some of them don't appear to like the family, Duke...”

Duke: “The grandfather clock ticks away and I know I must leave soon. It is a shame Kate seeing your words proven true. Before I leave would you all enjoy a story?”

emuhlee: “A story sounds nice. Do indulge us?”

Duke: “"Do you love us?" asks the star to the moon, "Do you love us as you love the sun?"

"No," said the moon, for it could not lie to the ones it loves so preciously, "I love you more."

"Do you love the sun, then?"

"Indeed I do."

"Then how can you love us more?"

"Because," the moon said, gazing down at earth, "I love the ocean most of all."

Goodnight little sheep, I hope you all have sweet slumbers and lovely dreams. I myself will be having tea before bed, so I do hope you indulge in something nice before you sleep. I do hope you cease your arguing to find peace.”

[cmncisspnandmore]

Don’t let me go, part 5

Pairing: Spencer Reid X Reader

Warnings: Anorexia, eating disorders, depression, drug use, mentions of past character death, extreme fluff? is that a warning

~~~

“Flight 236 to Arlington Virginia will begin boarding in 5 minutes.” The intercom chimes above your head. You bounce your knees nervously, and your fingers pluck at the threads of your jeans. Sitting in an airport is something you hadn't done in a long time. You were used to BAU jet, you hadn’t flown on a regular airplane since you started at the BAU. You felt like everyone was staring at you but you didn't know why.

“Y/n, relax, I can feel you shaking over here,” Spencer twists a piece of your hair around his finger, you nod. Once we got on that flight we would be heading back to Quantico so we could get the stuff we needed from our desks and lockers. Then Spencer would drive us to his apartment so he could pack a bag and then he would be temporarily moving into your second bedroom in your small two bedroom townhouse.

“Sorry im just nervous… I know we have a few days before the first doctors appointment, but even the thought of having to talk to someone about what i feel…” You look down at your hands, they shake in your lap.

“Hey,” Spencer puts one of his long fingers under my chin and lifts it, “i’m going to be right here with you.” He smiles as the intercom chimes again, this time calling first class to board. You smile slightly, as he stands and offers you his hand. You take it as grab the small carry on bag you brought, and Spencer digs the tickets out of his pocket.

As you make your way up to the gate, the line of people start to form, passengers waiting to be boarded. You follow behind Spencer who seems like being in a civilian airport is the most normal thing for two FBI agents. The clerk at the desk smiles as Spencer hands her the tickets and she checks over the dates and times.

“Have a good flight!” She smiles as you make your way to the plane. As soon as you step into the plane your heart races, and you feel slightly sick. This was real, this was happening. Your face pales and your head starts to swim, you start to worry that the two pieces of toast with butter Spencer coaxed you to eat will make an appearance.

Spencer notices you aren't as close anymore and turns to you, his brows knit together as he takes in your panicked expression. Grabbing your hand Spencer drags you to your seat and pushes you into it, he quickly takes the bags and stows them in the overhead compartment. He then takes his seat next to you and grabs your face in his hands, stroking your cheekbones softly with his thumbs.

“Y/n, hey, breathe, you’re going to be okay. You’re gonna make it through this, i promise.” He coos, as hot tears streak your cheeks.

“What if i cant get better… What if i die…” You whisper, your eyes squeezing shut, as the rest of the passengers board and make their ways to their seats.

“You are not going to die, you will get better. I know youre scared right now, and i know that you think you are never going to be okay again but i promise you will be. 80% of people who recieve treatment for an eating disorder make a full recovery. But lets not focus on that right now, how about we just sit back and enjoy the flight, and we can process all this at your place okay?” Spencer pushes some of your hair back from your forehead.

With a quiet okay, and a small nod you manage to get yourself back under control. As you sit back in your chair the flight attendants make their way down the aisle and check the overhead compartments and you buckle your seat belts. As the attendents start to go over the safety protocol. Eventually their voices drown out as you stare out the window.

Its funny, how up until the other day you felt completely in control of your life and now you felt as if everything was spiralling out from under your feet. You knew the reason you loved your eating disorder so much, in a weird messed up way, was because it gave you control. It was the only thing you could control, you couldn’t control your job, or how many people died. You couldn’t control what you felt for a certain doctor. You couldn’t control getting older or the toll stress took on your body. But you could control how much you ate. How long you could fast: you could control your eating disorder. Or so you thought. Maybe you were spiraling and in your mind you were just feigning control. Your mind raced as the plane took off and soared into the sky. You lean your head back against the seat.

Maybe you wouldn’t live, maybe you would die. And then, maybe just maybe you would not feel so guilty for dragging Spencer into this.

You glance over at him, he’s got his nose buried in a book, although this time he seems to be taking his time with it. His brown curls are falling into his face, and his brow is furrowed in concentration.

He looked so in his element, and to know that once you landed, he would surely be going to get every book about eating disorders he could and devour them.

Spencer looks up at you after a moment. A small smile on his face, as he glances at you.

“You okay?” He asks, putting his thumb in the book and closing it slightly.

“Yeah I’m okay, thank you for earlier. And everything… I feel like I owe you.”

“You don’t owe me anything, I would do anything to keep you around. Besides, if you’re gone I’m sure the team would miss having you with them. They really do admire you, and you can always make them laugh. Even Hotch. That doesn’t happen very often.”

“Maybe. But maybe they just think I’m a burden..” you drop one of your hands onto the arm rest.

Spencer reaches over and entwines his fingers with yours.

“No one, thinks your a burden. You are a beautiful young woman. You’re just going through a hard time right now.”

“If you say so.”

“Who else would be around to listen to me ramble about random things. And who would let me fall asleep on their couch? You. You have more good in you than you think. This isn’t a conversation that can happen here. Because honestly It makes me want to cry just thinking about it.” Spencer squeezes your hand lightly.

“Okay.. we can talk more when we are at my place.” You try to give him a small smile but you’re sure it doesn’t reach your eyes

“Just know that I wouldn’t do this for just anyone.” Spencer runs his thumb across your knuckles.

“Thank you Spence..” you try to pull your hand back but his grip tightens as he goes back to his book. For the rest of the flight Spencer kept his hand in yours or was softly stroking your thigh over the fabric of your jeans.

As you got closer, your anxiety got worse but the feeling of his hand on your thigh or gently squeezing your hand helped keep some of the fear at bay.

“Hello everyone, welcome to Arlington Virginia! We hope you all had a great flight! And have a good rest of your day!” The flight attendants voice chimed. And slowly everyone started to stand and grab their bags.

As you started to walk towards the front of the gate you wondered if it was too late to run. But when you glanced back Spencer’s reassuring smile gave you the small boost you needed to start on this long long road to recovery.

~~~~

Tag List

Criminal Minds: @morcialovechild @banananna99 @cynbx

Dont let me go: @itshaleighyo7 @galaxygallade @drw0301bieber @multifandom-ramblings @gothamsmarvel @neonshadowkilljoy @imaginativefanatic

[mindlesslysad]

Depression

my mental illness and how it affects me

Its been said depression is when you worry to much about the past, also said that anxiety is when you worry about to much about the future. My depression goes all the way back to middle school. Not being able to make friends easily, got bullied and was really just  socially awkward. I was that weird kid dressed in all black listening to heavy metal. Not to mention I’m Hispanic, just a weird look over all you know. I was really insecure about my teeth (I had braces at the time) and about my weight, but reflecting on that now, I was pretty skinny. Society painted this picture of how I was suppose to look, well women in general, living in the years of when social media really started to took off, and the amounts of likes you got on your photos determined your popularity. Meaning my popularity level was a strong 0. Since I did get bullied I had a sharp tongue, learning that if I said something as disgusting and as rude back, that they would shut up, but you cant fight fire with fire. Making me, you guessed it, not just unpopular, but and unpopular bitch. As I aged i’ve simply learned to just not say anything at all, not wanting to give others the wrong impression of me and all that fun stuff. My insecurities only grew. I started cutting, wanting to take this empty feeling in my chest away. I couldn’t tell my parents, because you know, TEEN ANGST. I was alone and desperate for any kind of attention, finally reaching high school where things only grew worse. Finding myself in the midst of a bad crowd, skipping school and smoking weed because maybe this is where I belonged. A bunch of nobodies with a nobody. That only made my situation worse with  my parents finding out and their trust in me crumbling. Around this time they were arguing, but I couldn’t help but feel as if it was my fault. If their daughter wasn’t in such shambles maybe they would have time to focus on their marriage. Their announcement of the divorce really crushed me. Only knowing my parents when they are together, and then never seeing them together ,till this day breaks my heart. Thinking about those fun days at the beach, playing in the sand and going out to eat at our favorite boardwalk restaurant, thats never going to happen again. I couldn't tell anyone, mostly because I didn’t have anyone to confide in. At this point I’ve attempted to take my life a few times, but obviously it hadn't worked. The emptiness in my chest only grew, reflecting on my grades and finding any distraction. I did graduate late from high school, and I’ve always had a job, first because it was my only escape. I’ve had plenty of successes since high school, still haven't got any friends but I had a loving boyfriend who quiet didn't understand what I was going through, an amazing and caring mother, a father who I knew loved me, a big nosed brother who I couldn't live without, and a great paying job with and amazing position. So, if I had all these great things, why wasn’t I content? A roof over my head, food on the time and money coming in, what was the problem. It’s just me, thinking I should've done this, then maybe this would've happened. SHOULD’VE, COULD’VE, WOULD’VE. Stuck in the endless torment of reliving my past in my head , and if not that, stressing about my future, if I work this many hours, i’ll have money for this, but if I dont do this, then this, this and that wont get done, to were I spiral and lose my fucking mind. Carrying this mental illness with me, with no help or guidance, has been eating away at me. July of this year I’ve self harmed more times then I could remember, called the suicide hotline so I could give myself a reason NOT to do it, but always in my head.. “JUST END IT NOW, YOU ARE A BURDEN, YOU DONT DESERVE THIS LIFE, YOU ARE WORTHLESS, KILL YOURSELF NOW.” but in all honestly I was a too much of a pussy. I wanted to and I’ve thought of how I’d do it but then I would think about my darling mother, seeing me like that. I know it would destroy  her. I spoke up to her about how I was feeling and then she pushed me to talking to a therapist and so I did, and then got hospitalized. In there I did nothing but think, think and think. I’ve only spiraled into a bigger hole, that emptiness in my chest grew and my body was a hallow shell. Getting out was the  hard part because the people in there made me feel normal and I’ve never been able to feel that. Till this day my insecurities stop me from living a life I wish I knew how, my teeth, my curly hair, my weight, and my awkwardness. I tend to make a lot of jokes, lots and lots of jokes, not to pull on my own leg but I’m pretty fucking funny. Making fun of myself before anyone else has the chance to and making others laugh gave me a feeling of “okay i’m doing this right”.. I don’t know who I am. When I’m alone, like, I get into this default mode, where I do nothing but daydream of how my life would be if I was a total fuck up. I conform to like things that others like because I don’t know what I like personally. I don’t have the mental capacity to even begin to go on a journey of self discovery. Do you have any idea how much I struggle to even get out of bed, and think about my day and things I have to do, it wears me out. It drains me, it destroys me, and I don’t want to leave. I push myself though, even though I’m supposed to be taking it slow and go one day at a time with new accomplishments, I go fucking hard. It only makes me feel more out of tune with myself and my placement on this earth. The anxiety has been creeping on me more and more everyday, the thought of having to smile and actually socialize with my coworkers, or people in general, makes my heart race and makes my stomach do summer saults. I have been putting a forceful smile on my face, and pretending like I’m fine and annihilate my being with overwhelming stress for YEARS. Once I came out of the hospital,  I’ve still been trying to put that charade on, I don’ t find anything amusing, I don’t want to smile, I don’t want to laugh, and I don’t want to socialize, BUT a normal human would. My medication has been making it all a little worse, as if it could get worse, right? They say eventually it will get better, eventually I’ll stop feeling like this, eventually my life would all fall into place. I’ve been saying that to myself for as long as I could remember. What does eventually even mean, what is “better”? I haven’t felt happy in a really long time, I haven’t looked in the mirror and thought “wow I really am pretty” in YEARS. Trapped in a prison of my suffocating thoughts and sorrows. A cycle of self affirmation and suicidal thoughts.