#i cant imagine why anyone would be. but if you are i admire your ability to turn straw into gold! lol

[sha-n-dowbannedlol]

Miguel O'Hara — Please Don't Say You Love Me

cw: i cant stop thinking about him, so i wrote a one shot. but i also have a love-hate relationship with him, so i made it angsty.

Miguel O'Hara.

There isn't anyone in the Spider Society who hasn't heard of him: The Big Boss. He's strict, overworked, reserved, and has a bit of a temper—not that anyone would ever say that to his face.

However, to the select few who were close to him, they knew something more about Miguel O'Hara that they could never tell anyone else.

Miguel O'Hara, Spider-Man of Earth-928B, is hopelessly in love with you.

And that alone is bad enough for Miguel. But would you like to know something even worse?

He knows you're in love with him too.

He was the first to fall, that much he knew, and he was okay with that. He simply admired you from afar, enduring the teasing glances and knowing smirks Jess and Ben would throw his way, and the unbearable teasing from Lyla and Peter B.

Slowly but surely, however, he started to notice the way your eyes would shine brightly every time you caught a glimpse of him. The way you started to have a pep in your step when you made your way to report to him. His enhanced hearing could even pick up the way your breath hitched in your throat or the way your heart skipped a beat.

Miguel then realized he had to put a stop to this......whatever might possibly develop.

From then on, he avoided you like a plague—which wasn't all that hard, but it led him to confine himself to his office more than he already did. Every communication he had with you remained professional, and he merely answered your inquiries with short quips, ending the conversation sooner than it had begun.

He was harsher with you than he was with others, overworked you. He did everything in his power to push you away from him, to make you lose interest in him, to hate him.

That didn't work, however. That much he figured out when he overheard your conversation with another Peter Parker, who pointed out his attitude towards you.

He forgot that you were a spider person; the epitome of hope, plenty stubborn, and more positive than he would have liked you to be.

"That just means he sees more potential in me and trusts in my abilities greatly, doesn't it?" You responded then, and even if Miguel couldn't see you, he could almost imagine the smile on your face.

Miguel walked away before he could even think of falling for you even more.

Both of you were never supposed to meet, never supposed to fall in love.

He reminded himself, his fists clenched, as he made his way down the halls of the Spider Society—the society that he had built himself to save the multiverse.

That's right. To save the multiverse, not to destroy it.

"But wouldn't you at least like to try?" The man was swift to put his hand up and wave Lyla away.

"No," Miguel's response was final, his brows scrunching together in annoyance, ignoring the ache in his chest.

Interweave enough universes, versions of himself fall in love with enough versions of yourself, and he might end up being the cause of the universal collapse instead of maintaining it.

His decision was final. His resolve was absolute.

Yet, he found his breath hitching in his throat when he saw you approach him, your determined gaze boring through his, your clenched fists at your sides, and he could hear your elevated heartbeat—one that he could clearly deduce was due to nervousness.

"Miguel," you called out, and he could hear the shakiness in your voice, "There's something I need to tell you."

Just like that, he already knew why you were here.

And he can't. He can't let you say those words. He already knew how you feel towards him, but if he hears it coming from you........ if he hears you say that you love him.............

He stops the thought, not even wanting to think about it.

"I'm sorry," he wasn't sorry at all, "I'm busy. Can this wait for another time?"

He turned his back toward you, pretending to focus on the number of screens before him. His eyes scanned through the information being displayed by the soft orange light, but his brain couldn't process any of it.

"It won't be long, Miguel." You pleaded, and he winced to himself. "I just wanted to tell you that I-"

"Por favor," Miguel rasped out exasperatedly, turning his head to the side as he gazed at you from the corner of his eye, "no digas que me quieres."

You didn't understand his words, that much he knew. Still, the tone of his voice must have been enough for you to back down, and he caught a glimpse of you smiling helplessly as you shook your head.

"Alright..." you spoke, "Maybe next time, then."

Miguel merely turned his head to focus back on his work, maintaining his facade until he could no longer hear your retreating footsteps. Only then did he allow his shoulders to slump over, burying his face in his hands as he repeatedly muttered 'esto es para lo mejor' to himself like a mantra.

If he repeated it over and over again, maybe it would lessen the pain in his heart.

If he repeated it over and over again, maybe one day he'll be strong enough to hear those words from you and not pull you into his arms and press his lips to yours.

If he repeated it over and over again, maybe one day he'll muster enough courage to reject your love.

If he repeated it over and over again, then maybe he would eventually fully believe that this truly was for the best.

[roughentumble]

oh!!! in case anyone was wondering, i did finish that AU that was half-formed as i was falling asleep last night. i dont think anything ever came of it haha-- its basically just misao. not so much in the "little girl gets sexually assaulted and brutally murdered at school" sense, but more like an overarcing "some people enter a haunted building and are locked inside, forced to learn its violent secrets" sort of thing. the ghost-- the "misao"-- in this equation is geralt. he's been missing for a long time, and when they find the house and physically see him as an apparition, that's confirmation on what's become of him.

he's twisted, and violent, and his features look... wrong. innocent people who'd wandered into the house long before any of geralt's friends found it, all lay dead beneath the floorboards. but it is, despite everything, very clearly him.

jaskier is the one who agrees to stay with him(the "aki", if you know the true ending of misao), to abate his loneliness. despite everyone's pleas, he steps forward into geralt's arms, and then the two of them vanish.

it's a bright, sunny day outside. birds chirp. the front door hangs open on its hinges... and jaskier and geralt are gone. their remaining friends take a moment to huddle together and mourn...

and then, miraculously, a few moments later, out of nothing falls geralt and jaskier.

now, what they'd learned along the way, somehow or another, is that the reason geralt is such a strong and dangerous apparition despite not actually being dead that long is because he didnt die normally. he was trying to reason with a mage, it had come to blows, and in his dying moments the mage had been angry. vengeful. "if im to die here, you'll be trapped here too. alone." sort of thing. those feelings, a giant explosion of magic, and the next thing geralt knows he's trapped. not just within the four walls of the building, but he fades in an out, in a sort of... pocket dimension. time passes differently in there, he's been trapped for longer than a few months, or a handful of years, and it's broken him on top of amplifying whatever power he'd have as a specter.

but the two key factors are that he was never actually dead-dead despite what everyone thought, and when jaskier agreed to stay he was no longer actually alone, breaking one of the stipulations of the mage's dying curse.

its obvious, though, despite the brief amount of real time passed, neither is alright. even jaskier shrinks back from the light, clings to geralt wordlessly. it's been far longer for them. (let's say a year for simplicity's sake, but you can make up whatever amount of time works to you.)

that's basically the conclusion, then the epilogue is them healing. jaskier gets better, mostly, but geralt's problems are life-long. it takes a LOT of help, and healing, and magic, to get him anywhere near functioning, and he can't return to the Path. he has a panic attack if he's alone in a room for too long, and he and jaskier are codependant, completely attached at the hip.

to my mind they probably take up residence in oxenfurt. jaskier is offered a position teaching, and even though it's a LOT of people(which is hard for geralt to handle) it's safer than life on the road, and they never have to be apart for any particular reason. geralt sits in with him for his lectures, finds himself comforted by jaskier's voice. no more excitement, or contracts, or daring adventures, but they manage to carve out a life for themselves that's happy enough, make peace with the more painful parts of their past.

im not sure how to make a story of it, or even if i'd want to make a story of it, but it was fun to think about. and you can definitely feel my aversion to major character death, lmao, it'd honestly be simpler to just have them both die, but i do think there's something appealing(for lack of a better word) about there being something so terrible that even the famous white wolf cant come back from it. the isolation was too much, and no matter how much he heals, geralt cant be who he was, but he can become someone who's happy where he is.

of course, there is the supernatural problem-- if you make "passage of time in the void" a direct 1-to-1 to some regular unit of time, then geralt very quickly becomes trapped and tortured with solitude for an unreasonable and frankly goofy amount of time(see dean winchester getting tortured for decades. its not a comprehensible amount of time. that's not a thing a person can endure.) you can either lean into that, and give it the feel of A Ghost Story(numbers arent as important as a proper atmosphere in this case), or you leave the numbers intentionally vague so it doesnt get goofy.

now, you could make an argument for any match-up you like-- instead of jaskier choosing to walk beside him and follow him as he always has, it's yennefer in a clever play on "you've condemned yourself to me". now she's condemning herself to him. or perhaps eskel, two drops of water, it's always been the two of them, and now it will always be just the two of them. lambert, who knows loss and loneliness and agony and decides he cant leave geralt to that fate, even if its reckless to jump into the abyss with him. regis, who's lived a long life and decides the best way to end it is in comforting an old friend. any manner of ship(or gen) works perfectly well-- i choose jaskier because i'm a one trick pony, but i'd honestly read any of these other matches, it all depends on what an author wants to write. and if anyone for some reason feels inspired by my spiel, feel free to write it, as long as you send me a link to the finished product! (and perhaps credit me for inspo? thats not required tho it'd just be nice.)

[spacesnaill]

Holds you at gunpoint. Every question for Jupiter. (you can skip some if you want-)

i love you, you motherfucker 🔫

1. what is your character's relationship to the traveler?

jupiter is aether’s and lumine’s big sibling, so they all get along very well. i like to think aether and lumine are way more brash and “act before you think” kind of people, while jupiter usually is the one who takes lead (both because of the big sib energy and because they are way more analytical). that being said, jupiter is aware that the twins are very much capable of surviving on their own and fighting if there is any need for that, which is why even after losing touch with them in tevyat they know that the twins will manage somehow, they just need to find them

2. is your character proud of, ashamed of, or indifferent to their feelings towards members of a certain gender?

i’d like to think that the species/society the trio comes from doesnt give a fuck about gender and sexuality so jupiter would never feel ashamed or upset about their feelings towards specific genders. i dont think they would rlly label themself but they are definitely not straight. as to having feelings towards others: they are usually straight forward in their approach

3. what is your character's relationship with themselves?

jupiter knows their purpose and objective very well, but that often clouds their true desires. i like to think that they havent really been thinking for themself up until they were stranded in tevyat and had to rely on themself. they came to realize their own opinions and perspectives that they carry with themself everywhere they go. tho, their views are rather flexible, because they are very much willing to learn if an oppoturnity arises. that being said, they dont quite know themself well just yet, they are still learning after all

4. what is their favorite region? why?

with how much of the game is available rn, liyue is definitely their favorite so far. it’s culture is incredibly rich and full of fascinating stories and legends. i personally am looking forward to the release of sumeru, but what will come out of it is yet to be seen

5. what is their relationship with Zhongli? do they have one at all?

oh they very much do. while his charm and politeness are qualities that they very much enjoy, what originally drew them closer to him was his vast knowledge over liyue’s traditions and customs. at first during their stay at liyue harbor they would wait to catch him during his afternoon and evening strolls around the city to ask him things and carefully listen to everything he has to say. id like to think that zhongli appreciated having such an active listener and even a conversation partner at some point. eventually their little friendship grew into fondness for each other and they would seek each other’s company, until jupiter straight up confessed. id like to think their relationship is fairly innocent and very much founded on mutual respect and admiration. they both value honesty and communicate with each other rather well. and even though, zhongli hesitated before agreeing to travel with them, leaving liyue behind, he doesnt regret doing it

6. who is their love interest? If they do not have one, who is their closest friend?

while zhongli is both their love interest and their dear friend, venti is their first close friend. during the events of chapter I they both bonded. venti seemed like someone containing a vast amount of knowledge that jupiter was eager to discover. it quickly became apparent to them that the bard doesnt particularly like to talk about the past in detail, but venti still would surprise them with how much he knew about art and the culture surrounding it. they are both pretty light spirited so they always enjoyed each other’s company and their bond only grew stronger during their travels.

7. what do they think of Mona?

they are curious about and intrigued by her methods. they can also very much relate to her pursuit of lost/forgotten knowledge. they like to ask her about astrology and theorize with her, asking her to teach them little things for an exchange of a hot, homemade meal

8. what do they think of The Knights of Favonius?

their opinion on the knights is mixed. they can very much see that most of the people working for them are underqualified and not cut for the job or only doing it for the renown. while the idea of a city without a ruler is appealing, in practice the knights are the ones ruling over it and jupiter was left feeling sceptical when thinking about their methods and the possible future. they dont have anything against the individual people in the organization, but they do think their approach is highly flawed

9. wine is Mondstadt's most popular drink. do they drink wine?

while they do indulge in alcohol from time to time, they dont seem to be able to get drunk or even tipsy. they’ve concluded that since their body is built differently than a person of this world’s, its very probable that they dont react to certain foods and products the same way. alcohol is like any kind of a drink for them and many people are terrified when they see them consume it in large quantities

10. what do they think of Kaeya?

they like his playful nature and think he is a highly intelligent person, who doesnt show anyone what he is truly capable of. his methods, while very  cunning, seem rather brash, which somehow reminds them of their siblings. while they are very much curious about his motives and history, they dare not to pray if it isnt welcomed. during their stay in mondstadt they would often times catch kaeya lurking in the tavern and spending time with the local gangs and bandits in order to extort information from them while drunk. in the rarer occasions where he would be alone, they would sometimes keep him company, filling the night with talks about nothing in particular

11. if they were forced to make the choice between killing their love interest/friend or killing themselves, what would they choose? why?

that very much depends on when that would happen. pre-separation with their siblings, they would very much operate on the hard logic of “whoever has more information/more important information should survive”. however after spending time in tevyat and meeting its people, jupiter learns to greatly value life and their inicial stance would change to a more selfless one. the more they get to know about the world the more they are willing to put their life on the line to preserve life in it, especially if its the life of someone they hold dear

12. what do they think of Childe? 16. is there a canon character your character hates? why?

at first they were open to the idea of being childe’s friend, however with time they started noticing that something was wrong with his overt friendliness. when he revealed his true intentions, jupiter was not surprised, but learning what he had chose to do made them absolutely despise him. staying in liyue has taught them a lot and made them care about the people living in this world. however childe seemed to have no disregard to them. they will not hesitate to fight him if their paths do cross again

13. do they carry a lot of Mora?

having a large amount of mora is basically a requirement when travelling with zhongli and venti. jupiter does take on a lot of jobs and comissions, though mora is mostly a secondary issue for them. they do find themself owning quite a lot of it at times until they overspend with their companions and are forced to rely on their survival skills in order to save up enough to get a roof over their heads

14. does your character side with Kaeya, Diluc or neither?

when it comes to the family feud: neither. jupiter doesnt like to pry into family matters and they understand both kaeya and diluc never talking about their issues with one another. while they cant imagine siblings behaving like that, due to their own experience, they dont feel like its their place to judge.

when it comes to the knights of the favonius: jupiter slightly leans more on diluc’s side, recognizing the many weaknesses of the organization as it is, however they both come from different places when critiquing it.

15. what do they think of Venti?

venti has become their best friend and they value him deeply. they worry about him sometimes, aware of the origin of his appearance and the history behind it. they like how venti seems to perceive life in a very poetic way and are fascinated by it. they get along very well and venti often fill their time during their travels by his songs, both known and not yet named

17. how did they acquire their vision?

they seem to be blessed with the same ability as their siblings when it comes to being granted powers without aquiring a vision themself

18. what is your character's weakness?

their curiosity and hunger for knowledge

19. what is their strength?

they utilize the knowledge they have gathered into things they can use to their advantage be it in battle or daily life

20. what is your character's theme song?

pure gold by half·alive

21. what weather do they love the most? why?

they love when its sunny. jupiter very much enjoys the feeling of sunlight on their skin

22. what do they think of Paimon?

jupiter would be Ecstatic to get to meet paimon. her vast knowledge in all matters would make her a valuable companion. in the current story they have no idea who she is as of now though

23. what do they think of the Fatui?

while they do not approve of the fatui’s methods, they cant help but think that something much deeper must be going on. jupiter wants to believe that the tsaritsa cant be simply evil and that perhaps she has some other, hidden motivation for her actions. having spent time with and got to know the fatui in liyue, they also know that not all of them are cartoonish bad guys

24. what do they think of the archons?

overall the concept of archons seems very new and intriguing to them. they do try to get as much information about their godhood out of venti and zhongli. they wonder whether this world really needs the archons as much as it claims to

25. what is the worst thing that could happen to your oc?

either losing their siblings or losing their memory (its a great fear of theirs)

26. what does your oc want the most?

their long term dream is to write down all the knowledge they’ve gathered so far and make it accessible and understandable to anyone willing to read it

[hearthhhh]

Could I get a matchup? I'm older than your usual audience at 33 lol. Non-binary pansexual. I love Mystic Messenger, BNHA, and Seven Deadly Sins. I'm told I'm very sweet and understanding, but I can go full protect mode when needed. I like BJDs, sculpting, reading and video games. I'm a major goth babe even if I'm fluffy. I have green curly hair and green ish grey eyes. I've been through literal hell but keep smiling for my friends because they need me to be their light.

Okay ball jointed dolls look hella cool and I never really knew they existed until this ask. Also I originally paired you with Jirou, but I think you wanted a matchup more your age so I took that into consideration!  

I pair you with…

🥢 This took me a bit... I looked through heroes and couldn’t find anyone, and the second I started considering villains, I thought Shigaraki was perfect.

🥢 I feel like Shigaraki wouldn’t pay attention to anyone that isn’t a villain. Heroes to him are scum, and he has no problem murdering the innocent. So you’d have to be a villain, and eventually would join the league.

🥢 I think you being apart of the Liberation would make this a whole lot more interesting, but I don’t want to risk spoiling anything for you. So I’ll stick with plain and simple, you’re apart of the League of Villains.

🥢 I can imagine your aesthetic mending really well with the League. They mostly dress in cold dark colours, and I feel like your goth babe vibes would fit nicely.

🥢 You’re so sweet I cant imagine you being a villain without a huge reason. You’re doing this to protect someone, maybe a best friend. The League is eventually made aware of this. Dabi’s the one to reveal it, moodily and a bit rudely.

🥢 You’re such a mom to the League. You dress their wounds, try and keep their sleeping schedules in check. I’d imagine you fawning the most over Toga and Twice. You’d try with Dabi, he’s a hot mess, but he pushes you away.

🥢 What’s really important to Shigaraki is loyalty. You create strong platonic bonds and protect your friends really well, so I feel like that’s why Shigaraki noticed first about you.

🥢 Shigaraki would begin to warm up to you after a fight. He sees you mercilessly defending a wounded league member, and Shigaraki’s able to properly see how seriously you take this whole villain thing.

🥢 After this, Shigaraki reluctantly lets you sore on him. He’ll glare, scoff, and sigh in irritation, but sometimes he’ll lean into your touch. Shigaraki would never voice it, but he loves getting his wounds treated by you. He also likes the caring attention you give him, especially due to the significant lack of attention he gets on a daily basis. Shigaraki’s so touch starved.

🥢 So you guys get closer that way, with your protectiveness looming over the league like a protective cloak. You love them and they look up to you. Shigaraki’s admiration for you grows steadily.

🥢 You two play lots of video games together! He hates losing and gets pretty sucky about it, so sometimes you’ll let him win. But you both have fun and exchange playful banter!

🥢 Considering your parental nature , I feel like Shigaraki’s sense of humor would bring you just a bit of concern, but be an entertaining dynamic. He has a dark and offesnive sense of humour, and I feel like you’re softer and a bit fluffy.

🥢 You know that one meme where person a says “someone will die” and person b happily adds on “from fun!”? Yeah that’d definitely be you two, to an extent. While you definitely fight when it comes down to it, especially in self defense, you’re softer in comparison to Shigaraki.

🥢 Getting into a relationship with Shigaraki would be a little difficult. You’d have to know him well to understand exactly what he’s getting at. But then again, also knowing Shigaraki, he’d have to have known you for a long time and understand you like the back of his hand (unintentional pun oop).

🥢 You two don’t ever really confirm your relationship at first. Shigaraki would ask you casually and kinda gruffly to go out, maybe to eat, and that’s all the confirmation you need that this is a bit more than platonic. He’s acting reserved and you can tell the question brought him significant embarassment. Shigaraki even asked you out in front of the rest of the League, who are watching through warry eyes because why the fuck is he acting so wierd? But you get the underlying message, somehow.

🥢 After you two start going out there isn’t really a change in your relationship. Shigaraki looks after you with concern and tries his best to match the parental concern you emit like second nature. He admires that aspect of you and tries to show his appreciation by doting over you to the best of his ability. Others say it comes off as nosey and a bit heavy, but the poor boy tries his best.

🥢 He’s really protective of you. Shigaraki wouldn’t so much as let people look at you too threateningly, let alone raise their voice, and stays glued to your side during missions.

🥢 Shigaraki likes chilling in your room. He’s afraid to touch any of your BJDs or sculptures in case he accidentally turns them to dust, but he likes admiring them from afar. It gives your room a cool vibe and he likes being in there, sometimes wordlessly walking in and finding a place to sit randomly.

I pair you with…

🥢 I’d imagine you catch Merlin’s attention. You’re pretty well known in your village for your sculptures, and she catches wind of your talent. She comes asking for a sculpture for a spell.

🥢 You two get along pretty well. You’re really open with what you do, and Merlin admires your sculptures and praises you. I think she’s also have an interest in BJDs, maybe even have a small collection herself.

🥢 Merlin grows intrigued with you from your first meeting and visits you several times afterwards.

🥢 I feel like Merlin is the type to have a ton of contacts, so she keeps in touch originally just to have you as an acquaintance she can go to for favours. She’s alright with popping by a couple times to help you out with some stuff, and you’d have a magic tool that you use to keep in touch with her.

🥢 It takes a while for Merlin to start to get to know you well. During some of her random visits to your village, she catches you with your friends a couple times. Imagine her literally just appearing behind you, calling out from the weirdest places. Peeking out from a rooftop, sitting at a table that you could’ve sworn was empty when you looked at it a second ago, walking out of a dead end alley. Merlin’s full of surprises.

🥢 But on that note, Merlin likes seeing you with your friends! She thinks you look full of life, and you’re always smiling and just overall so giddy. She admires you from afar from a lot, or pops in and joins you all because she likes seeing you that happy and carefree.

🥢 Eventually you ought to notice Merlin’s interests. So you invite her over for tea, hot chocolate, coffee, whatever you prefer. Merlin isn’t picky I see her liking just about everything.

🥢 But you guys chill pretty regularly after you reach out to her. You’ve opened the door to friendship rather than acquaintanceship. Merlin usually shows up unannounced, but at least comes at reasonable hours, like in the afternoon.

🥢 I bet Merlin would bring small nicknacks from her adventures, and learns after bringing a book that you like reading! She takes that into an account, and now whenever she visits brings one book from whereever she traveled. Invest in bookshelves, buddy, cause Merlin’s going all out!

🥢 Merlin’s definitely a big reader too. I can totally imagine you two choosing one book from the collection Merlin steadily brings you, you two get together to talk about one book you’ve read after the month is over. It’s really cute and casual and overall great bonding time.

🥢 Merlin is definitely the type to sit down and talk thuroughly about a relationship. I’d imagine she literally sets a date for when she’d like to talk, even calling you before hand.

🥢 Merlin tries to be as friendly as possible, and the conversation isn’t as intimidating as you’d think! You two sit down and talk maturely about what you’d want in a relationship, what your boundaries would be, and what pace you’d like the relationship to go at.

🥢 Afterwards there is a noteiceable change in how you and Merlin act. She’s much more romantic and definitely surprises you with flowers a lot. She doesn’t leave a note with them or anything, she’d love leaving them in random parts of your home for you two find.

🥢 Merlin would totally be the Queen of romance. Dates with her are the absolute best and so romantic. She likes taking you to faraway places and spoiling you rotten.

🥢 Merlin loves that parental side of you, and as much as Merlin tries to spoil you, you ultimately win her over a lot.

🥢 Merlin loves when you make her hot drinks and force her to rest and eat. She’s the type to overwork herself to the point of fainting, although she rarely shows anyone. But you can see how tired she is, and how she stubbornly pushes through it.

🥢 Merlin is a sucker for cuddling! It gets her to stay still and rest, too. So really it’s a win win; Merlin’s able to settle down, and you two get to be mushy and romantic.

🥢 You guys aren’t the most mundane, but you guys are spontaneous! There’s always a surprise around the corner when you’re with Merlin! She’s a really exciting and romantic partner.

I pair you with…

🥢 I bet you and Yoosung would get along almost immediately!

🥢 You two would obviously bond over video games at first. Yoosung’s very vocal about the interests you two share and is excited that you click so well! You guys would end up totally flooding the messenger, and the rest of RFA would have to usher you two into private text messages.

🥢 If you’ll let him, Yoosung can talk to you for hours. He likes people who are nice and just overall loves your vibe.

🥢 While Yoosung tries to brush of your parently doting, he sorta needs someone to remind him to eat and sleep and basically take care of himself. Yoosung would show his appreciation later, telling you how great he feels and thanking you immensely.

🥢 You guys start to build this really cute friendship. You two bond over the smallest things, and make up the RFA’s cheerleading duo. You guys are both so supportive of everyone else and everyone looks forwards to your commentary whenever they share anything with the group chat. Even if the comments are late, you and Yoosung never fail to share your words.

🥢 No one’s really surprised when you two start hanging out regularly. You guys just get along so well you basically drift to each other’s sides.

🥢 You two become a powerduo that everyone sort of loops in together. Your names are usually in the same sentence. You’re basically the same person.

🥢 Yoosung frequently talks about his lack of success in his love life throughout your friendship. Gradually, you begin to think of him in a different light, and I’d imagine you gain a crush on him slowly. Yoosung on the other hand falls for you hard, near the beginning of your friendship. Except he doesn’t voice anything because he likes being around you so much, he’s afraid to jeapordise your friendship.

🥢 You guys spend a lot of time being friends, and the rest of the RFA tease you two occassionally. To them, it’s pretty obvious you both caught feelings. Jumin even makes it a point to state how pointless he thinks the secrecy is. Why not just confess?

🥢 Yoosung eventually bites the bullet and tries to mention it as casually as he can. But knowing him, this comes out the opposite. He’s pretty awkward about it and stuttering over the phone. Yoosung basically confesses that he has feelings for you, but respects how you feel. He practically prepares for a rejection, he sounds so sad.

🥢 When you tell him you feel the same he’s ecstatic!

🥢 Prepare for daily rants on the groupchats from Yoosung about how much he likes you. Everyone’s relieved you two finally got together, and they praise the both of you.

🥢 Being in a relationship with Yoosung is the absolute sweetest. He’s so supportive of you and whatever you do, and he’s forever showering you with praise. He’s awestruck at the simplest things and loves you so much.

🥢 You’d definitely have to be aware of how he’s handling himself. While Yoosung is pretty vocal about how he’s feeling, that makes taking care of him easier.

🥢 Yoosung is really vocal about just about everything. This really builds the foundation for trust, and you guys don’t really have any barriers when it comes to sharing things. Overall, you guys have a really healthy relationship and you’re just two really sweet babes.

[tigerlilliz]

For you, I would- Anthony

Drabble Challenge!

This was was asked by @3pawandme <3 Hope you like it!

Just a little disclaimer that the story features some violence.

I'm still learning tumblr and I dont know how create a link to click away to in order to finish reading the story 😣 So I'm sorry if it appears super long to some people. It's juicy though hehehe

91) Sorry, I'm protective over the things I love.

Desi hadn't left her room since last night. Her eyes were puffy and red from the tears she cried. She sat on the edge of her bed for she dreaded having to go downstairs. Luckily, she had a few minutes to get ready before she would be called to dinner.

With Caesar hosting a special meal tonight for some of the leading men of the legions. That of course means, Antony would be coming as well.

"I cant let him see me like this," Desi murmured, frantically searching through a bag of cosmetics for anything that can conceal. She had made the decision to wear her hair down today. She thought to herself maybe the change in style and a splash of color added to her face would be enough to disguise the fact her lip was swollen.

Everytime Cleopatra angered Caesar, he would find a way to take it out on her. And it seemed like Cleopatra was doing that a lot more lately. She was barely around anymore. There were whispers of the queen being seen leaving the villa with an different men. It was as if she were taunting him. Something was different last night, however, it was the first time he struck her. She thought back to when Sabina spoke of Aquila striking her for giving her attention elsewhere (by writing poetry). For Caesar, however, his rage grew from the fact that Desi didnt appear jealous of his time with spent away from her to be with Cleopatra. He wanted her to miss him and when he asked is she did, she replied, "No. I dont know you well enough to miss you yet." He was so used to people telling him what he wanted to hear that he couldnt accept his advances has yet to win her over too. It happened so quickly, he didnt realize that he hit her. His ring cutting away at her lip. She kept replaying that moment in her head. She couldn't act irrationally for it would ruin all she worked for and possibly ruin her ability to gain information for Antony.

With one more brush of her hair, she exhaled and made her way down the stairs. She smiled sweetly greeting the legates and soldiers who were standing throughout the room awaiting for Caesar to call them to the table. Desi took her seat which was a few spots down from where Caesar's usual seat. If she had to be there, she needed it to be on her terms. He was vain in the sense that he preferred to sit in the middle versus the head so he embellish in the admiration of those all around him.

Caesar entered the room as the men cheered. His hand grazed Desi's shoulders as decided to sit beside her.

"It's about time you came down" Caesar asserted as he ran his hand up her thigh under the table. Desi adjusted her chair in attempt to create some distance between them as Caesar commanded the men to take their seats around him.

Caesar stood up raising his glass before addressing the guests. "Welcome! I am pleased to announce that we are moving forward with our plans regarding the remaining members of the Senate."

He knew to remain vague the details of his plans whilst Desi and the servants were about. At this time, Antony walked in and took his seat at the empty space left directly across from Desi.

"Antony! Your timing is impeccable as always. I was just informing everyone of our decision to finalize the plans we discussed days prior." Antony nodded as he encouraged Caesar to proceed. However, his words became background noise to Antony as noticed Desi's effort to avoid making eye contact with him.

Antony nudged at her leg under the table in an attempt to get her attention. It worked for a moment as he was able to look at her long enough to exchange a smile, but she did not return it. Antony always calculating, noticed her subtle flinch the moment Caesar grabbed onto her shoulder during certain moments of his speech.

Antony was staring harder than ever now almost in a daze. He could hear a strong repetitive sound in his ears as he didnt realize that Caesar was calling his name.

"Antony! Right...Antony?" Caesar repeated as the soldiers all turned towards Antony awaiting his response.

Antony nonchalantly nodded as Caesar continued, "Then Antony is in agreement. We cant let anyone get in our way or know of our plans. For I am Caesar and no one says No to me." Caesar looks beside and and abruptly pulls Desi up by her arm. His grasp was tight enough to leave Mark's on her arm, the table shaking enough to mess up the placement of the silverware and plates across the table. Caesar exclaimed, "Even this former warrior whimpers in front of me and obeys my every command." His hand behind her head, he pulls her to him closer gesturing for her to kiss him.

The men began to holler out, "Hail Caesar! Show us, Caesar." This was only encouraging his behavior further. Anthony silent as the cheers around him only intensified the anger building up inside him. She jerked her head to the side at the last minute forcing Caesar to kiss her ear instead. Infruitated feeling embarrassed but also disrespected in front of the soldiers, with a quick brush of his hand, she smacked Desi who fell to the floor. She looked over at Antony before turning away hiding the tears that ran down her face. It was then that he noticed the swelling as the blow smeared the color on her lips.

Antony jumped to his feet shouting, "That's enough, Caesar!" Antony's voice was commanding and forceful, quickly silencing the commotion occurring in the room.

Caesar turned his attention back to Antony. "This doesnt involve you, Antony. It's best if you know remember your place around me!"

Antony was not afraid of Caesar. Not in the slightest and definitely not today. "Interesting coming from a man who wouldn't have secured Gaul and what's left of Rome without his trust stead. How easily we forget who really leads the legions and appeals to the people."

The soldiers looked at each other in shock as the tension grew around the table. They knew the hand that fed them and the one that fought not only with them, but beside them too. Antony was right, they would follow his orders into the depths if he asked them to.

Caesar and Antony stood staring at each other before Caesar added, "You will regret this stand against me."

Antony laughed to himself as he looked around the table. "I'd be curious to see how far you get in executing your plans without my input and the backing of the legions." He broke his gaze only to look over at Desi who had sat up to her waist partially hesitant on leaving the room and in disbelief of Antonys showmanship towards her.

Antony tone now much softer. "Desi, why dont you head upstairs. You dont need to be here for this." Desi noticed the soldiers who looking at her with sympathy now realizing just how hard Caesar hit her. Desi nodded while slowly picking herself up off the ground as two soldiers ran over to assist her. Their hands patting away at her dress as small pieces of chicken fell to the floor. She just noticed the fall had caused her plate to spill.

"Thanks" she spoke softly to the soldiers. She wrapped her hair behind her ears before exiting the room.

A few soldiers followed suit, dismissing themselves from the table waiting for the next set of instructions from Antony.

Caesar stood quietly as you could see a glimpse of regret wash over his face. Desi had been the one of the few constants in his life since she was gifted by Antony. He was really starting to take to her and it bothered him that he may have actually set himself back with her. She's stood up to him before, she was strong like that, but the way he struck her today, the look on her face, he realized how damaging his power can be. Caesar replied, "Very well. I think we should reconvene in an hour after everyone has had a chance to cool off."

The soldiers returned to the main hall splitting of into small groups where they resumed their previous conversations. Caesar lightly grabbed Antonys arm as he moved to walk passed him. "You know I couldn't have gotten this far without you." Antony paused briefly, saying nothing leaving Caesar at the table. Antony passed through the hall and headed up the steps.

Desi's door was closed, but he had hoped she wouldnt mind if he stepped in. Antony creaked open the door closing it behind him. Desi lie in bed sitting up enough to pat the empty spot beside her. He laid propped up beside her, but deliberately above her sheets. He wanted her thinking he had a different motive for coming to see her.

"I can't..I guess what I mean to say is" Desi scrambled as she was trying to find the words to say. Antony placed his finger over her lips and began to speak, "I apologize for not noticing sooner. And for you to have to see my anger" he sighs , "it's something that I try to shield from from."

Desi placed her hand on his cheek, her eyes memorizing his face in this moment. "I would never ask for you to stand up for me. Especially to someone whose allegiance means so much to you. Im able to fight my own battles, but after he hit me yesterday for not answering the way her wanted. I just didnt have the strength to do it today too. What you did down there, for me, it may not have been your intention to mean as much as it did, but it meant everything. Because you...you are what keeps my world from falling apart."

She noticed a single tear drop from Antony's eye. He turned away as he took her hand into his. "As you are to me, Desi. You were always someone who could fend for herself and, because of that, I didnt worry as much about your time spent here. I wouldve never asked this of you if I knew for a moment he would hurt you. I knew there would be times where you would be placed in danger and I couldnt protect you, but I never imagined... he would I hit you. There are countless ways to assert authority, but not like this and not with you."

Desi laid his head on her chest as she gently stroked his hair, his breathing slowing down to match hers. Desi added, "What if he decides to retaliate against you for standing up to him as you did?

Antony inhaled deeply and replied, "Sorry, but I'm protective over the things I love." He pulled her hand to his lips kissing her fingers softly before lowering it once agian. "And besides. He knows I'm right and what I spoke was the truth. The reason I made it this far with him was because he knew the company he kept with me. He knows he can rely on me to te him the truth about everything whether it be a truth that appealed to him or something he despised. So He couldn't have expected anything different from me today. How could I have looked at you again if I hadn't intervened when I had the opportunity to protect you for once?"

He lifted his head, leaned in, and kissed her softly on her lips mindful of the swelling. She smiled as her tears stopped, the first time in days.

"And that smile right there, I'd fight a hundred men if it meant that smile would never fade again." Antony grabbed the cloth and ice beside him as he placed it over her lip. He held it in place as she rested by his side. Antony didnt mind playing guard as he knew her feeling safe would allow her to finally catch up on rest. He sat with her until she began to dose off her. He covered her with the blanket, kissed her forehead, and quietly closed the door behind him. He had a meeting to run in a few minutes and Caesar expected him to show up by his side. And that's what he would do, with her sleeping knowing he didnt leave her side, he could return downstairs with a clear mind.

[shadow-and-quill]

.:RP:. Politicking

Characters: Ritsuka Aoki (male Keeper), Shen Kotodama (male Raen)

Rating: General

Origin Date: 4 Nov 18

Shen and Ritsuka discuss ways forward dealing with the Yukimura and other manners. The eldest of the Kotodama and their loyal shinobi tend to be quite an amusing pair.

“>blah<” indicates Doman

---------------------------------------------------------------

Ritsuka Aoki blinks as he walks into his office. "Kotodama-sama, we didn't have a meeting." It was said with such certainty, his schedule memorized.

Shen Kotodama had only just been there, a cup of tea in hand. Head canting back. "No. I didn't have bothersome juniors until today. Do you have any pressing matters?"

Ritsuka Aoki shakes his head, going to his desk to pull out a new set of glasses. There are about a dozen or so stashed there. The cracked ones from the practice spar are set aside to be repaired later.

Shen Kotodama observed this stash with some quiet bemusement playing upon his eyes. "As many glasses as the shoji we've replaced?" A tease. He'd almost lit the last person to run through them on fire himself.

"I would need an entire shelf to match that number," was the dry tone. "Can I get you anything?" Ever the host. He goes to move the plushie off his desk and to the corner. More toys had appeared with Saeha staying with him.

Shen Kotodama hefted up briefly his own cup of tea. "You honor me with your graciousness; so I thought to do so equally in preparedness," was the slow reply as he switched to Doman. “>Have you trained someone in the ways of the diplomat before?<”

Ritsuka Aoki shifted his glasses up his nose. ">I have not. I was self-taught as it was. Is there someone that you're considering?<" An eyebrow raise.

Shen Kotodama sighed softly to this. “>This makes you even more impressive, Aoki-san. If you were born a Raen you would hold an office in the Bakufu.<” For once he didn't sound like he was playing at someone. Rather he respected Ritsu's abilities quite a bit. “>Yes. I had intended for you to teach Kiyo before her emotional nature swallows her clan.<”

Ritsuka Aoki knew that fact /very very/ well. A bit of an annoyance in his life but fortunately his spot had more than enough financial stability to suit him and his sister. His tail swished in a rare content motion at the praise. ">Daimyo Yukimura?<" The tone in his voice betrayed how he felt about how successful THAT would be.

">You can call her Daimyo with a straight face?<” A subtle rising of his brow to this. His face it's usual socially kind mask. “>Though yes, Daimyo Yukimura. Only lightly less of a lost cause than our own sitting Daimyo.<” The sitting part stressed softly in his tone.

 ">She has inherited the title as tradition dictates so I will address her as so.<" Just as neutral a tone. ">Both of the Daimyo are quite young.<" He sets his book on the desk after retrieving it from his robes. ">And untrained. If there was a more experienced one of their station, that would be the best way for them to learn.<"

Shen Kotodama momentarily has an actually genuine look of disgust come across his features. But this is soon gone. “>Both are young and raised outside of the traditional bounds of our culture. If we find no other option, there are my ancestors to consider towards their training.<”

Ritsuka Aoki tilts his head to the side at that. ">Or look about Doma. Clans are reforming and those that were in hiding are re-emerging. Surely there is one that the Clan has ties to that would be willing to mentor two young leaders?<"

">We have ties to other clans; this is to assume that they are trusted however. To influence our leaders as this, Aoki-san, I'm sure you understand I want to keep our influence and control of the heads.<”

">Of course, Kotodama-sama. I understand completely.<" A shift of his glasses. ">That is why I will go and monitor the lessons myself if one is found worthy.<"

Shen Kotodama closed his eyes for a moment. Offering a minor nod. “>Then I will entrust this to you. Perhaps it is a thing I should have seen set in motion sooner as I will be speaking to Yukimura-dono soon about the siege. Perhaps I can have her draw on me.<”

Ritsuka Aoki can't help a bit of a wry smirk at that. ">My suggestion is that you stop antagonizing the woman. I caught the last of your bickering earlier after Rokuyo-san arrived. You are just as guilty for antagonizing here.....ser.<"

Shen Kotodama sighed deeply. Canting his head back a bit. “>She reminds me of my junior sister, in truth. I assumed such hard lessons and her losing with her outburst would be sufficient. She is valuable even should her request be difficult.<”

">She is on the defensive. And when some feel backed into a corner they lash out. The constant poking at her while she is in such a state will only make things worse.<" He rested fingers on his book for a moment, leaning a bit forward on the desk. ">I overheard she is to meet the kifujin of Hausuganji concerning a political marriage.<"

">Mmm.<” Shen looked down at Ritsuka at this. “>This would be quite troublesome. With us actively losing our host reclaiming their mountain.<” Though the man was in the traditional way far underselling it.

Ritsuka Aoki raises a dark eyebrow again. My goodness, were all born Domans this silly? ">I would think you would be concerned being the only suitable male in the running for the Kotodama. Even if you are perhaps past your prime for your husbandly duties.<" Said so plainly.

Shen Kotodama would have agreed, people born Doman were quite silly creatures. “>I am the only suitable male currently free. A younger brother did survive... last I had seen him in the prisoner camps.<” The mark upon his forehead was a brand, after all. “>Even aside. I am hardly concerned for myself. The marriage is more important than the contact; one of her consorts can fill the role for bringing a child. Though I doubt my body lacking in ability.<” Pride, or something else!

Ritsuka Aoki does his best to repress a smile. All men were the same. But he soon regains himself. ">Firstly, if you have family in the camps, they should be freed now. Should we set out to find him? Secondly, you had better improve your interactions with Daimyo Yukimura if you wish to keep her swayed to the Kotodama.<" He opens his book, clawed fingers running down a line. ">Though...<" A pause. ">You always leverage her honor in the fact that you /are/ giving her her home back.<" A glance back up.

Shen Kotodama cocked an eyebrow to this. The other point could wait for a moment. “>I do, as this is the fact of the matter. Her father was lacking valorous honor; but his daughter is a woman of fire... ironically so.<”

Ritsuka Aoki is quiet for a few, tapping his page. "> You are fond of her then.<"

“>Of her potential,<” Shen corrected. “>I believe she wouldn't have abandoned her homeland. That her pride wouldn't have let her do so.<”

Ritsuka Aoki tilts his head. ">She admitted today that she made the call to retreat when the attack happened.<"

Shen Kotodama hummed softly to this, making to sip at his tea, but it was all gone. “>I find it hard to believe a child could have called a retreat; she was little more than this when they fell.<” Though it certainly brought doubt to his thoughts. “>If she is the same coward as her father however we're wasting considerable resources.<”

Ritsuka Aoki walks over to take his cup and go to fill it. ">Think of it. She was likely in her later teenage years when it happened. Freshly assumed the mantle of Daimyo due to her father's sudden death. And her village slain by a yokai twin. Her Clan would be gone if they hadn't run. That has to be admired.<" Back and forth he flopped on opinions, curious of reactions.

Shen Kotodama sighed. Eyes closing as the cup was filled. Ritsuka would have been frightening if he had been born anything but a miqo'te. “>There is nothing to be admired in retreat, Aoki-san.<”

 ">Not even in survival? Ensuring your blood lives on?<"

">What worth is that blood if it is tainted by meekness?<”

">It's life.<" He leans his hip against the desk, a bit of his formality fading. ">I am here, alive, with my sister because I left Eorzea. Was your praise from earlier given to the meek?<"

">It would seem so.<” Though Shen was simply being prideful now. The man only sighed in the end. “>Can you have a gem retrieved from the Clan’s temple? I will be taking to the field.<”

Ritsuka Aoki is hardly offended, in fact the curl of his lips implies he's amused. ">If you trust a meek miqo'te like myself to do so, Kotodama-sama.<"

Shen Kotodama glanced down at Ritsuka. Eyes narrowed; towards anyone else it would be a glare! “>I would rather you go. The Ancestors won't bother you. I will admit to Kiyo she was correct before I go to assuage her ego.<”

">You'll just have to give me a location so I can gauge how far I'll have to prepare. There are still rogue Garlean elements roaming Doma.<" He doesn't remark on his latter words but that shite-eating smirk remains on his face.

Shen Kotodama wondered if he should have burned this miqo'te instead of the Daimyo! “>It's an island off the coast. I'll have it's location sent to you. Perhaps a half day’s travel If you need a body guard I'll have one sent with you.<” It went without saying; Ritsuka had won.

 ">A bodyguard will simply slow me down. I work best alone. Please just send me all the details. I will head out after some planning once I receive them.<" A more proper bow.

Shen Kotodama returned Ritsuka's bow. Only pausing once he stood. “>If I didn't enjoy your company I would have to sneer at such smugness.<” And that was close as admitting he enjoyed someone as he would give. “>I'll leave you to your evening now. I imagine Saeha-chan will be back soon.<”

">Indeed she will be. Hopefully she didn't completely exhaust X'nihru-san.<" An adjustment of his glasses. ">And it was a pleasure to have such an enlightening discussion with you as well, Kotodama-sama.<"

">I fear it was too enlightening. Do make sure to find someone to train Yukimura-dono. I would do it myself, but she might actually try to kill me and I would hate to have to act upon such.<” Though it's unlikely he actually would.

">I will see what I can arrange. She is a beautiful young woman,<" even he could admire that despite his preferences, ">I am sure an eager young man would be happy for such an opportunity.<"

">If their eagerness comes from beauty he'll find himself beneath her boot.<” It earned an amused snort. “>May the ancestors watch over you, Aoki-san.<”

">That is what will be entertaining. And it would eliminate some annoying competition in the government offices.<" Another fix of those glasses. Two birds with one stone. ">Be careful in the field. The latest supplies leave in two days' time. You can likely travel with the caravan.<"

">You've kept up with the timetables well. I'll ensure to join them. I have some other small tokens to put into place...<” Then an odd grin. As he strode away he couldn't really lie to himself; he was looking forward to the field.

[thatjwguy]

Bullet For My Valentine - Tears don't fall (Lyrics)

Well, not really a better title for this sorta post... i personally have been making amends with my past and or present. This song indirectly says everything that i would like to say in this post to be honest. still i feel i should elaborate to some extent as to not leave people in the dark, i feel like that much is owed to the person who decides to read this post. so before we go further, just know im not a hardcore emo fan, just like this particular song since it speaks volumes to my current situation. Nothing against people who love this style, i see the appeal.

This is going to border on the lines of insanity but its really more of a spiritual issue. How shall i start this trip down my rabbit hole of weirdness. Lets go back 3 or so years ago. This is about the time i had my first breakdown, it was induced by weed but not the cause of it. I was already predisposed to this disorder from the get go, iv done some research on this already. Look up how marijuana does not cause symptoms of schizophrenia but that it can induce it depending upon the individual who uses the substance. just wanted to point these things out in case someone trys to label me a anti-pot advocate or something to that effect.

Im gonna lay this all out as clear as possible but without pointing fingers or making anyone feel bad. This was all my own doing, my mind took a break and decided to go on vacation. I was in this trance-like state for quite awhile after the initial break. I started to see hallucinations, visions, apparitions, hear voices and so on and so forth. Mental illness should never be taken lightly, neither do the spiritual elements to this world we currently live in. Sorry for leaving ya hang for a bit, i just feel these sorta things should be put up front so the reader has and idea of where im coming from. So, lets continue i promise not to go on too long of tangents, at least i hope not. 

Three years is a while to be dealing with stuff like this, it takes a major toll on you as a person. People tend to shrug off stuff like this as if can be as simple as just flipping a switch, let me tell ya, nothing could be further from the truth. While i was in the midst of this mental delusion or breakdown i was also dabbling with the occult to some extent, well i was trying to expose things in the world related to the occult. I listened to people like Alex Jones and other truthers out there on the interwebs. Perhaps i had the break for a reason, since opening your eyes to the world around you really does have a deep impact on you as a human. I guess some people arent ready to be awakened to the matrix, i feel like i fit the bill for that one. 

I was also deep into certain forms of entertainment, which may or may not be within the realm of the occult to some degree. I won't say they are, just that spiritually speaking, we are all exposed to this world, spiritual darkness/light does exist so we must come to terms with this idea right now. These forms of entertainment were that of heavy metal music, horror movies, video games etc. etc. So you could begin to see how this might play a role in someone's environment not being so healthy, not to mention genetic predispositions or trauma experienced during childhood.  So no blame is being put anywhere here, just need to lay it all out there so people can fully understand what could possibly make situations worse for people suffering from these illnesses. 

Again, i must apologize since i do babble, i am laying out the groundwork for how all of this happened and help others understand it better. So in this day we live in people believe in many ideologies. Too many to name right off but i will mention that i did try to do the New Age thing at one point during all this. Since the voices kept insisting this was some form of ascending or something to that effect. You hear terms like this often with New Age beliefs, ascended masters, 3rd eye-opening, gods/goddess, soulmates/twinflames. All sorts of interesting perspectives to the things that are actually happening. I say that since i come from a biblical background, i believe this is just a deception from the Devil, not some form of spiritual awakening (False Awakening). 

I mention the twin flame thing since that seemed to be something they wanted me to know about, they wanted to lead me in a direction that i was somehow spiritually connected to people i was never actually connected to. I fell into a trap in my mind, thinking it was real and that i was somehow connected to celebrities or public figures iv never even met. Just cause my mind was gone, and also since with this belief, people do actually think they are all connected to one another universally or something like that. Like some sort of cosmic beehive that we are all apart of, we can tap into that only if we go through the ranks and reach Christ consciousness. Again i don't believe these things, its just what i see out there. I would encourage you to investigate this for yourself. 

Everyone has the desire to know more about their existence, so thats what i was trying to do. To figure out where i came from or how everything came to be. The problem was my heart/mind was not in the right place. I was doing things for selfish reasons. I not only wanted to be apart of something more than myself, i also wanted to have things i could not have. So perhaps this was that outlet for me, to live out a fantasy of sorts but in a spiritual way since in reality, i knew something like this could not be. I wanted to believe i could connect with people on a conscious leavel, like a telephone call or something like that. With the new age, they say you can tap into that christ like consciousness and experience something along the lines of telepathy.

So, that's how i thought for a while, that the voices were like a telepathic line to some of these people. I fell in love with that idea until i found out it was a deception. Why wouldn't you want to believe you had some sort of ability to talk to people using only your mind. Since my heart was in the wrong place tho, i ended up abusing what i thought was power. I used it to try indirectly message people. Thinking i was actually talking to the people in my head, even though that was never the case. This is why i called it insanity in the beginning, you cant make this stuff up folks, i thought i was talking to people in my head in real life. Not only that but i also had lucid dreams involving those people. So in my reality, this was happening, no matter how you explained it to me. 

This is how the trap was laid out for me, i fell for it hook line and sinker. I also developed an obsession with some of the celebrities associated with the voices in my head. Thinking they knew about all of it too, just not really coming right out and saying it since they don't want to damage their image or make things public you know. I mean really, who would come out and make something like this public, they would look pretty insane just like i am right now. So, let me be clear, iv had psych help and meds help me to come back to reality since all of this happened. I no longer believe any of this, i just think i had a really wild fantasy that turned out to be a spiritual and psychological problem. 

As wild as it may appear, i think many out there do believe these sorta things. Look up youtube videos. People do believe they can have astral sex or spiritual sex with spirits or other people. So, im not that crazy for believing these things. Many people fall into these traps wanting to believe in something more, which isn't all bad, just misguided thats all. My main issue tho is that i was torn between two different women in my head, even more if i wanted to be completely honest with myself. I had talked myself into believing i was telepathically connected to women i would never have a chance with in real life. That they even wanted me at one point... yeah, pretty bizarre thinking pattern i know. So, kids dont do drugs or dabble in the occult cause you might get sucked into thinking you have godlike powers lol. 

I suppose my heart was just torn on the people i admired or had a crush on, perhaps at one point i even considered polyamory as an option. I was so selfish in thinking i could have these things and never really stopping to think, well what do they think about this, or i don't even deserve this at all. Just the gull in that line of thinking alone is enough to make me almost hate myself for even trying to make these fantasy women love me, all of them. I was basically being a player in the spiritual sense. So, yeah, you can guess how all of that played out. Many fights inside my head about beliefs and even with the women in my head. You wanna know what insanity is, try having imaginary voices of pissed off women in your head every day for 3 years. 

You may ask yourself, do i still hear them. Yes to some degree i do, but medications and therapy have helped me cope with all of this. Do i still love the people who are in my head, yes on a human level i still love them very much. Despite it all being just in my head, i just want them to be alright and know i was never trying to hurt them, just wanted to be loved by someone. Yes, it does appear to me that i needed to fix the wrong i had done, even if it was just in my head, the voices are still very real and do get mad when you act out or are a jerk, just like in real life. So i have used that as a tool to help me grow as a person, knowing we are all flawed and make mistakes. I needed to mend my mind and make peace with them. So this is also how im doing that, trying to make peace. 

In the end i was completely off the deep end in all this thinking, now i must live with the choices iv made. Even if iv never really hurt anyone in the real world, i still need to make this right, just on a personal level. Also even in Gods eyes, this could be something very real to him, doing things of that nature. Imagine, people do actually do things of that nature in the real world, play games with people and make them feel like they are the only one. When i reality they are cheating around every corner with some other person, either just because or for other unknown reasons. Maybe they just never see eye to eye or people just want to live that rock n roll style life and bed multiple partners just for the sake of saying they did. For me tho, i really want just one woman, just one who i know will be there for me and will stick with me no matter how hard it gets, Even with my mental illness she sees im a good man, trying to make it work. 

I know a woman like that still exists out there despite all the BS you hear from other men or even women for that matter. Perhaps i will find her in my faith, which is the thing Jehovah God would want, or maybe in the world. Some things are better left unknown. Just know that when the time is right, it will happen, not by force, but just because we are both ready to be in a committed relationship, not matter what gets in our way, we will have faith. Yes, this just turned into a post about me having women trouble, not entirely but yeah, i am pretty caught up in these things in my head so i must be honest with you. So now i guess you have a bit more insight into the way my mind works. Never again will i go into this much detail about my psych break. So consider yourself blessed or cursed with more knowledge of this random dude on the internet. 

Im about done here, so thanks for dropping by to go down this deep pit of my mind. I love you for doing that, just for caring enough to sit through this long and drawn out post about a guy having women problems in his head, its much more than just that but yeah. That's just the overly simplified version of this mess so that i don't get people too confused. Even though im betting you stil are, even i find myself still questioning these things from time to time. Well, that about does it, i have to get going, the voices are telling me i need to go play the new spiderman game that just came out, yes it is very awesome, i would definitely recommend you try it. 

[rqs902]

.

so i watched the two-part first ep of the coming one super band (gosh darn it was long...) and it made me realize it’s been a while since ive watched a non-idol show LOL. overall it was more interesting to watch than i expected. i didnt have high expectations going in bc its not my usual type of show, but i knew i wanted to at least give it a try bc of ljt. i heard about what happened to hjx prior to this, so that put a damper on my spirits, but i still wanted to see how ljt would do. i did not imagine him in a band before this, but now i kind of can. 

i just cried a little inside when zhou zhennan asked liao juntao if zjy talks like mao buyi... oof 

i find it amusing that they all call ljt liao laoshi and he has lots of fanboys hahah and zzn calls him taotao and seems really close to him still

aw the way zzn specifically asks ljt to sing “don’t talk to me”, a song he hasn’t released yet, means they must keep in close contact and ljt shares his music with him, and zzn takes his songs to heart and truly listens and likes them. 

wow zzn really knows ljt’s guitar skills and rhythmic strengths and additional music styles could be demonstrated through this song and he wanted his friend to promote himself better by showing off a new song that may be more captivating to an audience in this type of setting. it really seemed like he was trying to protect and help ljt with genuine care. it’s been three years and the mrzz friendship still going strong warms my heart

OF COURSE THEY WOULD BRING UP “who” IT’S HIS CLAIM TO FAME SONG. and 3 years later, its still an amazing song. one of my favorites. 

also ljt’s quirky personality was one of my favorite characteristics about him. his talent and music goes without saying, he’s one of my favorite (if not my actual favorite) music makers. but his personality also just seems so fun and slightly strange LOL but like the way he pats his chest after each performance like hes calming his nerves (but you cant tell at all while hes singing) is such a contrast. 

UGH watching the montage from mrzz and then his story all the way through zzn’s crying literally brought me to tears.... lang lang saying how he could tell ljt has been through a lot... oh gosh and then those old clips of liao juntao with zhou zhennan, ma boqian, mao buyi, zhong yixuan UGH it just brought back so many memories and then the flashback to where ljt chose to battle meng zikun instead of wang jingli EVEN THOUGH HE KNEW HE WOULD LOSE AND HE HAD A BETTER CHANCE OF BEATING WJL......... aaaaaaahhhhhhhh because he wanted to protect his friends and let them go on to the next round. and never forget xue zhiqian’s heart-breaking “your choice may force you to struggle for another ten years” because he knew ljt was giving up such a rare opportunity. and mby just breaking down watching his friend commit career suicide basically ugh- that just- ughhh 

and the fact that even as a judge now, zhou zhennan just couldnt stop himself from crying when ljt called him “bro”

can you imagine what it’s like to be so close to success and to live the next three years knowing you had just as much capability and possibility as freaking mao buyi and zhou zhennan but you were still left behind, by such a hugely immense degree. to have lost too early on, even though you definitely had the talent to have at least made it to the next round, but you care too much about your friends to force your way through. 

ljt says he doesnt regret, and that is amazing to me. mao buyi and zhou zhennan are literally both judges on shows like this now. and hes still... a contestant.

lol wait i just had a thought, is ljt to super band what zzn was to produce camp? i really hope so. i feel like its inevitable tencent will favor him bc hes already signed to wjjw???? and hes probably the only one who has somewhat public recognition already? i really want ljt to debut as f-man... i cant imagine him on the sidelines. he deserves and needs to be the center of this eventual 5 person band. if wjjw messes him up again im literally going to question everything. 

ive never gone into a show with such a strong bias and desire for that bias to be center -- ive never dared to ask for that -- but ill say it again, ljt NEEDS AND DESERVES it. i didnt realize i felt so strongly about him until now. 

anyway, i can totally see how ljt and szb would get along, they both seem to have such sad stories (and ugh why is ljt so humble) but also how is tencent gonna deal with not having ljt as an f-man tho LOL

ouch watching the he junxiong part made my heart hurt... i heard about what happened, but watching it actually happen was still jarring. him not saying he wants his music to be commercialized, is that a reaction from what happened to “time of youth” ? It did feel like tencent stole that song from him and didnt credit him enough :\ so maybe he’d rather his music be remembered as in he wants to be remembered for his music? i do agree with zzn that hjx didnt sing the song as well as I expected him to this time though... my impression of he junxiong from produce camp was that he has a really nice voice and is really great at making music. but im surprised how much his attitude has changed. but i can understand it must be hard for him to see zzn sitting in front of him and not giving him his support. i guess from there in contrast, ljt’s humbleness is admirable. man, i wonder if/when we’ll see hjx again. tencent’s gonna hate him now lol.......

random but xu yang visually reminds me of yueyue and zhao ke visually reminds me of mu ziyang LOL also, i respect that hu yutong saw ryp was struggling with public speaking and let him go, but then went over to talk to him privately. he didnt want to make him uncomfortable and did his best to be gentle with his tone. but i agree it will be questionable for someone with such strong ideas like hyt to thrive in a group setting. 

there are a couple of kids besides ljt who im interested in, enough that i think ill keep watching this show for now, but also not enough for me to not be miffed that there are SO MANY extra clips/ shows (YET AGAIN) and i just dont want to / dont have time to watch them all just to look for ljt..... and ljt is still the main reason why id watch, so im gonna have to figure out if theres a way for me to just watch the ljt clips lol.................. 

also side note, seeing them do physically strenuous activities like three legged racing in the previews gave me horror flashbacks to afo and im so scarred from that show that seeing stuff like that just makes me super scared thinking that someone is going to get hurt. ugh its just so unnecessary and such a bad idea.  this was one of the worst parts about afo, the fact that the trainees kept getting injured doing dumb activities. why risk injury when your physical ability to do something as arbitrary as a three legged race should have no impact on your ability to succeed in a music competition???? it just seems so unnecessary and just there to add drama. sure it can build teamwork, but there are safer ways to build teamwork that may not lead to sprained ankles or scraped faces (UGH AFO) 

but anyway, if anyone else is actually watching this show, let me know! I saw a few people on twitter, but i dont think its gaining as much traction as an idol show would, since its a band show. 

[cineas-duskhollow]

Open Your Eyes Pt. II

[ And the second part of the collab with @elenariseventide! More of these stories within the coming days! ]

Cindel then nodded to both of them, forcing herself to not offer a curtsy as she recalled his words from before. She scurried from the room as she frequently did, always moving at a fast pace to be efficient. Elenaris watched as she left, smiling even still as she looked to Cineas. “What did I ever do to deserve you?” She asked with a gentle hum before addressing his previous words. “You said we had some things to discuss?”

Emerald hues watched as the maid scurried from the room quickly ad his hands came to clasp in front of him and lay idly at his waist. “I'm not entirely sure,” Cineas responded with a jesting tone and chuckled. “Yes, I wanted to discuss some things regarding Cindel without her presence as well as other things. But first,” he paused to close the distance between them and longingly press his lips to her own. “It has been slight agony without your presence between breakfast and now, though I can assure you my mother had kept me occupied for a good time.”

She leaned into him, giving into his kiss as his lips pressed against her own. “Mm...And I have missed you, too, my love.” She cooed as her eyes remained closed a brief moment before reopening them with a grin to her lips. “Has she, though? I can only imagine what she’s been keeping you up to. The things she might be complaining about my home.” She sighed softly as her arms wrapped around his neck momentarily before her hands gently ran over his collarbone and down his arms. “What was it you wished to discuss?”

His hands had found her waist as his wrapped them around her firmly only briefly allowing his hands to give her bottom a teasing squeeze. “She hasn't complained entirely all that much,” he replied lightly. “Apparently her parents were nationalists and she admires the coloration of our home.” His lips cracked into a bit of a smile as he gazed downward at her though his smile quickly faded. “I do believe that with Cindel having some guardianship over our children she should have some sort of title. It's entirely informal for a common woman to be held in such high regard with noble children.”

A quick chuckle came at the feeling of his grasp as her hands rested on his biceps. “Well, that truly is good to know.” She stated before she pursed her lips somewhat in thought. “Her family wasn’t entirely commoners. Lesser nobles, they did very little in way of making a name for themselves from what I know. Mother never really told me much as she was brought to us as a child when I was much younger, perhaps just going into my adult years. However, what are you wishing to suggest aside from Governess?” She asked tilting her head to the side. 

His head canted to the side for a brief moment as he thought on the matter. “There was a small parcel of land that my family acquired during my years as a war priest,” Cineas explained as he broke away from her to pace the room slowly. “My father never paid much mind to it and so neither have I aside from its general upkeep. As I said, it's a small parcel. It currently has no presiding family,” his hand found his chin as he spoke with emerald eyes watching her every move. “The family that had laid claim to it prior was House Autumnwind, perhaps Cindel could consider taking that name…”

“You would give her a name and land?” She asked with a bit of surprise but not in sense that she disagreed. “I think her humbleness would want to deny but her wishes to please me...to please us she would take on whatever she was offered. I think that is a wonderful idea, my love. She has handled this large estate and household as head of house for so long, a small piece of land would hardly be an issue for her.”

He shrugged somewhat as his lips pursed. “I do not wish for some nameless woman to watch over my children.” He replied somewhat simply. “Unless your mother kept documentation on who exactly her family was, I think it only fitting to provide her with such. As House Autumnwind reports to me, she would still be under our care. Though, I do believe allowing her to visit would be in order from time to time, her primary attendance would be here or at Ravenhill. This is simply for formalities and should she ever request to have children of her own.”

“Again, I think it is a wonderful idea. If my mother did keep anything on her lineage, there is no telling where it might be. She was rather… greedy with the information she kept.” Elenaris huffed with a slight sneer. “This will do us well. There is hardly anyone better to help watch and raise them, my dear, I can assure you.”

“I have no doubt, darling,” Cineas responded as he returned to stand before her with a slight smile. “We seem to keep rather limited company and even within that company there are few I trust.” One his hands moved to gently cup her cheek, his thumb caressing the soft skin. “Are you feeling any different?” He questioned as a brow lofted in curiosity. “Any ripples in the Void that would allude to a presence of our son?”

“Our trust has to be carefully placed within our lives, considering who we are and what we do. One small misplacement could be disastrous.” She leaned into his touch somewhat as one hand came to rest of his and the other upon her abdomen. “Not exactly… the shadows have told me they are keeping watch and it is still early yet to feel him.” She opened her eyes and gave him a gentle smile. “If he is there, it won’t be long before I know.”

Cineas allowed a hand to move to her stomach to lay over her hand. It was a quiet moment after she had spoken as he remained contemplative about the entire situation. “I fear I have angered the Shadows in declining their deal,” Cineas spoke rather quietly as he once again moved away from her grasp. His pacing nature had brought him to stand before a rather large window in their child’s future room. “I will bring one of my physicians from Ravenhill to be by your side for the next few weeks until we are sure.”

“It was a deal you brought them not vice versa, my love..” she said quietly before finally coming to meet him and laying her head gently to his back. “I should like to also keep Pyrenious with me in addition to your own physician. He has been at my side for many years, even following my whole ordeal in Westfall.” She lifted her gaze to offer him a knowing look should he catch it. “You have done nothing wrong, Cineas… do not think we have been forsakened just yet.” With this, she moved to stand at his side and followed his gaze out of the window. “Not yet.” She repeated in a whisper.

His head turned as he regarded her place beside him at the window. “The Shadows are well aware of my abilities and all that I have done for them.” Cineas replied in a somewhat cool manner. His attention clearly shifted though, as if talking about such things seemed to be troubling for him for the moment. “I have been considering summoning your sister back to the estate,” he said as his gaze watched her very carefully.

“And they are aware of mine and combined what we will do for them in the future. We shan’t be so easily disregarded, why is this so troubling you?” She asked though her brow perked at the mention of Eleneya. “For what purpose? Though, in truth, it is likely high time you meet my siblings.”

“I have been slightly troubled by what was revealed the other night regarding your sister.” He commented as his hands moved to clasp behind his back in a rather familiar manner for him. His shoulders cracked slightly with the movement, indicating his stiffness within the events of the current day. “Does she plan on marrying this boy?”

Elenaris inhaled deeply as she kept her gaze out the window and simply shrugged. “I am unsure. Though as I said before, she is free-spirited and if that is her plan, then I see little reason in keeping them apart.” She paused, her features twisting slightly as it seemed she battled with something internally deciding she should speak up or not. “Eli’yon Starfury is a good man, Cineas, of that much I can truly trust. If she were to be off with nearly any other man in our kingdom, I would worry. Eli’yon stood with me for some time and aided in my protection, I am glad he is with her.” She finally stated before looking to him cautiously.

He followed her suit in not breaking gaze away from the window. The scenery below was breathtaking and the crystalline waters that ran along the coast could slightly paint the picture of the life that lived inside of them. Occasionally you could catch a school of rays or fish from what he had noticed. “And there it is,” Cineas replied with the clicking of his tongue in a hasty manner. “And your relationship with this Mister Starfury, what of that?”

Elenaris furrowed her brow, a deep breath inhaled at his inquiry as she swallowed hard and returned her gaze outward. “My relationship was one of business and friendship, nothing more. On my end, at least.” She began, her eyes flicking over to him ever so often in attempts to gauge his reactions. “He had admitted his feelings for me at one point, ones that I did not reciprocate beyond the simple care I hold for those I consider close enough to have such, which is not many. My denial seemed to hit him rather hard, he removed himself from my presence, withdrew his and his father’s forces from mine and determined he never wished to see me again.” She breathed slowly as she continued forward. “Hot headed and young, that is his downfall, but it seems he has rather taken to Eleney’a in my stead, which she apparently was full aware of when she first entered their...whatever it is. From what I know, they are happy. He makes her happy and she tells me he seems to be beyond our past, what little it was.”

He snickered quietly as his hands moved from behind his back to fold loosely over his broad shoulders. His fingertips casually picked at the soft linen of his simple shirt. “Elenaris Eventide and her menagerie of men.” He cooed with a slight chuckle as his gaze shifted to the ring that stuck out despite his folded arms. He stared at it for a long moment, a reminder of her devotion to him before he tucked it away under his bicep. “All men are hot headed when they are young if they plan on amounting to anything. Does one believe I was always this calculating?” He asked her with a raised brow in a curious manner. “Perhaps I will have a discussion with this Mister Starfury for his true intentions and feelings. If such feelings are towards your sister, as the future patriarch of your family, I do believe some sort of formality is order.”

She chuckled softly, a bit of a dry emotion. “Menagerie of men, hm? Yet here, only one remains. The only one that matters.” She stated coolly as she looked over him and decided to wave off the comment as she noticed his fidgeting with the ring and knew her loyalty would not be in question. “Now that you mention it, I believe such a discussion is worth having. I know he was not all too fancy or keen on the ideas of titles even under his father’s name, though if his intentions are true, I see no reason as to why we should deny them. Eleney’a would not be Lady of Starfury as it seems there is an elder brother before Eli’yon - “ She found herself snickering with the wave of her hand. “The one who wished to call on me, if you recall? Mm, in any case, It is up to Vel’adir to keep my name continuing, Eleney’a and I would simply breath life into the bloodline. Even still, this talk should happen. Perhaps we should request they both return to the Manor?”

“The Eventide name will always continue despite the fact that our children will not bear that name. They will know that their mother was Elenaris Eventide far before she was Elenaris Duskhollow and that their status as young adults is wildly contributed to your success.” His words were stern as as he turned to face her and glared downwards in a manner that left little up to discussion on her end. “I was hoping you would entertain his company at least once. I have been denied such little entertainment in that regard.” His words allowed a slight, huffy laugh to escape his parted lips. “I will have letters dispatched to them to request their presence here at once as well.”

“Hm, yes, you are right, they will know their lineage and that the two of us came together to create an even stronger one than what came before us.” She turned fully to him now, her hip popping out slightly as she shifted her weight. “Should I invite the Lord Starfury to dinner, then? So that you might have such entertainment?” Her questions were quite obviously in jest though in regards to the latter, she nodded. “Very well. Despite our waning relations, I look forward in seeing my sister again.”

“I look forward to meeting your sister and this Mister Starfury,” he replied with a slight nod of his head. Though he seemed eager on the outside, his mind spun in ways to comprehend how entirely to deal with siblings and would this sibling ever want the title of matriarch for her own? Would her young companion want it for his own? Power did many things to many people and the variables presented themselves to Cineas in an unappealing manner. “Should you wish to invite the Lord Starfury to dinner I would find myself to be entirely amused. He did seem rather hopeful in his pursuit of you.”

“I am sure it would be a lovely evening, so long as he can maintain his temper.” She shook her head and found herself wrapping her arms around his abdomen with a soft sigh. “Perhaps I will indulge him for the sake of our entertainment, hm? I am entirely unaware how he could not know that you and I are together at this point. Either he is rather daft or simply too caught up in his own world to consider learning about such things before making a fool of himself.”

When her arms had found themselves around him, he glanced downwards at her for a moment before firmly wrapped his arms around her petite frame. She fit perfectly against him, almost as if they had been made for one another by the Shadows themselves. “I would wager to say the latter, my love,” He spoke as his lips brushed against her golden strands of hair. “Though we do not entirely make things such overt public knowledge.”

“No, but it is hardly a secret.” She mused as she rest comfortably against him, her gaze still intrigued by the scene outside. “This will be a lovely place for our children.” She turned her head so that she was able to look over to the crest painted along the wall and the empty banner. “What of names?” She asked, pulled away just enough to look up to him in question.

He made a noise that would slightly resemble a chuckle as she made a comment about them not being a secret. Emerald gaze followed hers to the banner and he made a humming noise quietly. “I have never entirely thought of names,” He responded in an honest fashion as one of his hands moved to gently rest atop her flat stomach. “Surely you have thought of a name or two. What shall we call our son, wife?”

She smiled softly as she continued to gaze over the crest and banner, her features obviously twisting in thought as her head tilted slightly. “As I have heard very little of your father, I assume your relations were not good enough for you to want to give him his name. However, I loved my father dearly, my elder brother too… what do you think of Eli’thol or Arrynn? Strong names held by strong Sin’dorei men before him.” She then turned to look back up to him once more.

He nodded at her as she spoke up with two names that she had been considering. “The gem,” he spoke as he brought the little purple crystal that she wore around her neck into his fingers and to their line of sight. “Is all that remains of my father. Perhaps for better, perhaps for worse.” He shrugged somewhat after speaking and dropped the object down once more. “Our son will be a strong and cunning man like his father, uncle and grandfather.” He spoke in a slightly excited manner as his lips found her forehead. He pulled back only slightly as his gaze shifted to his hand on her stomach. “Do you hear that Arrynn? You have many expectations, my son.”

A gentle hum came as she looked down to the gem around her neck, choosing not to speak on the matter much more for the time being as it seemed to be a bit of a difficult topic to breach. She smiled up to him as he responded so well to her suggestion of names and even further as she glanced down upon him as he spoke to their son. “Arrynn, hm?” She asked, giggling softly as her eyes seemed to glow with excitement. “Yes, he will be all of those things…”

“Arrynn,” Cineas confirmed with one final nod of his head. His hand pulled away from her stomach after he had given it one final, tender touch. “I will build an enormous empire for my son,” Cineas began as his pacing resumed and his gaze flickered around the room with the tiny, crafted toys and the furniture that had already been created for his birth. “He will want for nothing within his life. Not money, not power, not titles or land. I will have everything presented to him on a platter with whatever means I need acquire it by.”

“And he will know where it came from, his father, a great man for he could not ask for anyone better to raise him to his heights.” She offered as she turned to watch as he went about his pacing with a smile but held her chin high proudly. “With the blood that will course through his veins, I can only imagine the great things he will accomplish even after we are gone.”

“Perhaps one day our son will choose to name his children after us. Long after we are gone, our impact will radiate through this combined family.” He agreed with what appeared to be a devilish grin. If he was not ecstatic, one might have assumed he was bordering anger. “I do not want our son taught in some fallacy of the Light. I do not want simplicities made with hopes of him being what we were. I want to see his true potential harnessed by what he could be if he began his teachings young.”

“And he shall have such teachings, my love. The two of us coming together to create this little being is just the beginning of preparing him for a strong future. There would be little he could do to fail coming beneath us, so long as we guide him properly.” She stepped toward him and looped her arm around his own. “He will do great things, he will be great, I can assure you that.”

His gaze glanced downwards at the much shorter woman as he offered a nod and a smile. She was right, there was an immense amount of potential destined for their son, he could hardly wait. “We must continue to prepare this place for Arrynn. I will summon the architects back after your party has subsided.”

Elenaris chuckled softly as she nodded to him and began ushering him out. “Take your time, dear… I am sure we have plenty of it. Now, speaking of the party, we have less time to finish those preparations. One, of which, is your costume.” She grinned as they walked arm in arm down the hallways to meet Cindel so that she could take his measurements and the two of them could go to work readying his attire for Hallow’s End.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

this morning i watched him simply turn to his mother, "oh yeah did i tell you about the bin" - a source of financial frustrations for him. and that brief moment, that opportunity and ability to turn to someone and say hey, heres this thing at a drop of a hat. i really yearn for that. most if not all of my current connecrions eith people are totally false. theres no substance or genuine care. theres just this surface level like you dont want to see a dog withiut water but youre not going to adopt the dog. lately ive felt extremely isolated - i dont know if its even worth talking about. i dot know if talking about it will solve it or make it easier. i guess i think abiut this one tidbit of advice his mother got, its about creating and living in a new normal. what was once normal for you is over and you have to create a new normal for you. so my new normal is spending a lot of time alone. even if i worked, perhaps itd bother me less because id be distracted and tired and that in itself is sad. no matter what there is an extreme looming sadness. why the fuck does any of this matter, why do i care - why should i go on? whats the purpose of going on? what do i have besides the belief thst "everything is out there for me" as if i magixally decided to hibernste and ignore what opportunities i had available. i am a god damn termite to people. im just like.. this thing that hovers around and sucks your resources but you feel bad for it so you let it go. lately ive noticed the air of desperstion i carry. i want to be around people. i want to care and be cared for. i want to be active in someones life and have someone message me and ask me whats up on a regular basis and just.. you kbow, care. but the more i want it the more people have turned away. i offer everything for it laid out in front of me - my house, my food, what little money i have, the opportunities i manage to come up with - i just keep offering it all out so i can have it in return. or maybe just a portion of it. i believe im worthy of love. i dont live in such a state of depression; i have a variety of interests, i hold good conversations about politics and life and philosophy, i am creatively ralented and my domestic skills are top notch as are my hosting skills. i am worthy of love. but i am not receiving it. i am inherently shielded from love. like its sketchy and gross. like im a diseased animal. maybe they want to love me but they cant because im a person who cant be loved. i want to go out and do things with people but i am not invited. i dont even think its a personal thing, i think they coukd even think i wont have the means or care to be involved. sometimes i dont. but im never asked out for a coffee or a drink. my friendships come by happenstance, as they always have, and thoee hwppenstance friendships have never lasted. why am i never asked oto do interesting or fun things? not even free things? im isolated and im constantly constantly constantly reaching out for something. just wow, thank you for talking to me. like i have to beg people to hang out, double, triple check they didnt forget and once im there they busy themselves with anything but a direct connection to me. i watched this right to die documentary. it was focused towards mental and unseen health issues and the argument was made that perhaos in sone of these cases, if they expended as much energy tryi to help them live as they did helping them die, the might actully not want to die. but i think society ca be like that. they would rather help you die, little by little, piece by piece, than expend the energy to help you live. i realized i am very different from others thiugh. people tend to accept a very small amount of "help" as sonething large and amazing that they did. they donated, had a coffee eith a friend whos been down for months, did a birthday psrty gig cheap etc. but i would literally accept them into my house right now and bathe them and feed them and give them my clothes and make them a bed and listen to them cry for hours endlessly. this is without question. all they have to do is ask. maybe not even ask - ill offer if i think theyy could use it. because it hurts me not to. i feel really anxiously guilty and it will be invasive to my life knowing i didnt give everything i couldve to a person i thiught needed help that i had grown a bond eith. THATS how ive been walked on for a long time. i alloeed it, maybe asked for it, because i believe in helping. i know how bad life is. i live in the trenches of it. i dont want to see another person suffer the same way. i think id gut myself and give a kidney to someone i loved. life is too hard and i feel too much. once you know what true loneliness is, it really changes you as a person. it changes and shifts your perspective and at times i feel like i want to be the most genrrous person, thst im moved by suffering but at other times i am bitter. absolutrly bitter towards the world around me. why is there suffering and why is it sonlarge you cant do anythint abiut it. why could i say every person i know is "crazy" - no one is crazy . everyone truly is exactly the way they needed o be to survive this long. they developed their own coping skills and theyre more than likelt a total inconvinience to everyone else. which makes it "crazy" i was called neurotic. im not crazy, im neurotic. why am i bothered. why. why do i care. i dont care. thats the problem. i "care" because my environment forced me not to care to a point that everything is utterly futile. i cannot find a purpose to care. i dont care about having things. i dont. i barely care about eating. i barely care about affording smokes. these are things i "want" at rhe very least and nothing pushes me for it. nothing gets me up and solving these problems. nothing makes me feel like any of this is important eniugh to have and experience and be. why? in the end , theres nothing. i cannot get over the pure nothingness ahead of me. thats reqllt driving my anxiety. to me, i see nothing. i dont see myself with this job or career i want to be apart of, actively socializing and existing, i dont see myself living in an apartment or basement or shack or trailer, i dont see a family, no children, no reliability, no stability. is it my environment. is it the people i know. is it my city. is it the country. how do i solve this. what can i do to create purpose? i went out, i joined clubs, i put on shows, i picked up hobbies, i met new people, worked new gigs, experienced new romances but to what purpose. what do i do now. how do i enjot life? i admired his ability to enjoy life as is. like he takes joy in small things and everything is meaningful and worth value. he created purpose in his work and drive. he still does. i want that. at the very least. start small, right? i want to find wonder and joy in my world. i want to feel what he feels; going hiking, bike riding, buileing things, playing games, friendships - theres just like accomplishment in it. i try to implement this, regularly. i really try. a d being poor makes it easy because you learn to appreciate things alot more. i am so grateful for the ability to have what i have. and i create these scenarios and try to appreciate its novelty, i guess. like painting in an artists studio in a gallery. it should be an experience, something creative and inspiring. but no matter how hard i try to shine the experience, its nothing more than a gsthering space for fuck ups. i hate it. i hate it but how do i change it and what do i want. what do i want so i know the path to take for it. i willingly try new things with ease becahse i hope itll be the thing. something will click and this will be it but im 27 yrs old and ive had many experiences thst led to nothing. always nothing. and i grasp. i like cats. maybe ill work in a pet store. but thats crazy, a pet store is mearly retail and retail is nothing more than stocking shelves and talking to people. othing to do with cats. do i go to school? do i dedicate my being for the welfare of cats? is it that important to my life? do i cook? professionally? what about baking? a greenhouse? floral designer? "just get -a- job". fine. fine. fine. get -a- job, but then what? i can eat but i have no desire to. i can buy nice things, go places - have no desire to. fantastic, im not a burden to anyone - the real goal. but i have nothing. and its so hard, so fucking hard to comprehend nothing when you know something. i never imagined the reality of nothing on such a level. ever. i knew it would come, but the heavy reality of it is something i never couldve known. so no one understands having a tangible "something" and feeling nothing. what is a nice house. what is a nice car. what is luxury and why does it matter and why dont i feel the same way about it? its nice, its easy, its beautiful- i see it. but why doesnt it make me feel the same way it does him and my exs and my friends. why dont i care? i think.. 5 hours ahead of me, really. i try to think a day or so ahead but i never go through with anything i think ill do a day from now. who knows what will happen. who knows if i get an opportunity for honest interacrion, who knows if i earn money - but i know in five hours ill still be here. ill probably want weed. ill probably want food. maybe ill be tired and sleep early or nap until someone bothers to acknowledge me. maybe they wont, but thatll be for me in five hours to deal with and itll start over again. working paycheck to paycheck is nothing like living hour to hour. i am in the absolute worst position of my life, bar none. i have never been so bad off, so depressed, so hopeless for such a long period of time. i am totally lost. always. j

[viralhottopics]

Dr. Keith Ablow: Seventeen ways to improve your life in 2017

FILE —  (AP)

Last year, as 2016 debuted, I published, 16 ways to improve your life. The year before that, I published 15 ways to improve your life. You get the idea. The tradition continues this year, with the addition of number 17. Ive also added bits and pieces to some of the 16 items from last year, just to keep you on your toes.

New Years resolutions often lose their power so quickly and completely that they have become cliché. But there are real, easily achieved ways to positively impact your life beginning January 1.

Heres your cheat sheet of 17 for 2017. They arent in any particular order, so you can pick any one to start with. 

If you complete just five, youll notice a demonstrable improvement in your existence. But if you get through nine of them, you could remake your life.

1. Try to recall one dream you had as a kid whether it was being a poet or a rock drummer or a multimillionaire stock trader and take just a single step in that direction. So often, the ideas we had as children were good ones, and we abandoned them out of fear. The step in the direction of your childhood dream can be very modest signing up for a symposium on poetry, scheduling a single drum lesson, buying a DVD on stock trading. Even just telling two people about your quiet dream can move it forward.  Frozen dreams have a way of thawing out rapidly when you warm them just a tiny bit.

2. Think of your life story, going all the way back to infancy, as an autobiographical book that you can hold in your hands. Now, imagine which page or paragraph you are tempted to tear out and remove from the story. That page or paragraph might be the one that makes you feel profoundly sad or powerless or guilty or ashamed. Next, share it with someone who knows you well but has never heard about that event or phase in your life. Being willing to disclose the events in life we want to turn a blind eye to takes away the power those events have over us.

3. Give a meaningful gift to a friend of yours on a random day not his birthday or her anniversary or Christmas. Giving gifts on those days is fine, but that isnt the same as an unexpected, unscheduled gift. Those are the ones that feel riskier to give and have more power to bond you to others who receive them. And thats because theyre real and independent expressions of friendship, affection, admiration or love.

4. Send handwritten notes to three people you admire most in the world, no matter how powerful or famous, tell them sincerely exactly why you admire them and ask to meet for 10 minutes. Theres a real chance one of them will take you up on the offer. And that one meeting could change you, because great energy is contagious and being in the company of it can stay with you.

5. Give some amount (no matter how small) to the charity you care most about. Giving is a miracle, because it helps others while also telling your unconscious mind that yours is a life of abundance, not scarcity. And that invites more treasures into your existence.  Heres one I just gave to, which I happen to know is completely legit and does great work:  kulturecity.org.

6. Stop telling yourself you love people just because you grew up with them. This is a big one, but a really important one. Did your parents and siblings earn your love by unconditionally loving you as a child? If so, great. But if youve been wishing that had been the case and have felt unwilling to let the dream of having had unconditionally loving parents or siblings slip away, then loosen your grip. If the people you grew up with werent focused on helping you stay true to yourself, then admit it to yourself. You might stop unconsciously recruiting people just like them into your life.

7. Schedule an initial psychotherapy session. Psychotherapy is the gold standard way to begin to get to know yourself more deeply. In a world of distractions and depersonalization, it remains the technique most reliably focused on restoring your connection to your true self. Hopefully, that first session will convince you of the power of psychotherapy to change your life, and youll schedule more. No one with the financial ability to be in psychotherapy should deny himself or herself that transformational opportunity.

8. Get angry about something unfair, say so out loud and dont stand for it. Anger gets a really bad rap in our culture; its accused of everything from destroying people spiritually to causing heart attacks. But suppressed anger can be more toxic. When youre offended by something you hear about in the news or you see unfolding in your personal life, try saying so, in no uncertain terms, when youre asked about it or maybe even if you arent. For those of you who have been living lives of quiet frustration, letting yourselves be very direct and very mad about something that sincerely outrages you can start to crack the shell that has your most powerful self inside it.

9. Take two minutes to think about life as a labyrinth. Mazes are built to frustrate people and get them lost. Theyre full of dead ends designed to make people give up and call for helicopters to pluck them out. Not so with labyrinths. Labyrinths may wind this way and that way. They may take you far from where you thought you were heading. But they always, always lead to the center. And thats what life is like. Keep walking, keep your faith and life will take you where you are supposed to go. The turn toward the center could be just a few steps away, when you least expect it.

10. Try praying, at least once. If you havent prayed ever or havent prayed lately, youll discover that the act of praying for what you care deeply about has the effect of reminding you what that thing or those things really are. It also has the effect of reminding you that there is a great power in the universe that you are a part of. Theres something interesting about praying; even people who say they dont believe in God are loathe to pray for the opposite of what they really want. How come? Is it because that, underneath all that cynicism, they actually do believe?

11. Read “Franny and Zooey” by J.D. Salinger, “The War of Art” by Steven Pressfield, Self Creation by the great psychologist George Weinberg (used copies available online), “Blue Dog” by George Rodrigue, or “Fear God and Take Your Own Part,” by Theodore Roosevelt (or, even better, all five). These five volumes have the power to transform people, and I keep handing them out to patients and friends (along with please forgive the narcissism my book, “Living the Truth”).  If youre really short on time or intention, just read the Afterword to a later edition of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, by Robert Pirsig.

12. Buy one piece of original art. It doesnt need to be expensive. It just needs to appeal to you. Why? Because art is the antidote to our sometimes sterile, technologically driven culture. It makes humanity go viral in a way that YouTube cant. It also confirms your connection to things that cant be measured like your personal vision of beauty.  A good alternative is to create a piece of art.  Just be sure to buy yourself the proper brushes or paints or glue or wood to create it.  That will be a signal to yourself that you value what you are manifesting.

13. Watch the movie “Miracle,” with Kurt Russell. This film about the 1980 U.S. Olympic mens hockey team defeating Russias team is so good, it can convince you to take on the next great challenge in your life. I dont know anyone who has watched it and been unaffected by it.  Also watch the closing argument by Paul Newman at the end of the film “The Verdict,” the scene of Sylvester Stallone and Talia Shire on the beach in “Rocky III,” the monologue by Al Pacino toward the end of the film “The Scent of a Woman” and any performance of God Bless the USA by Lee Greenwood.  They can help make you a better person.  No kidding.

14. Tell your romantic partner one thing you would find exciting that you have not yet told that person. In my experience as a therapist, Ive found that people can remain strangers to one another, in terms of passion, even after 10 or 20 years of marriage. We keep sexual secrets. Let one out. You can write it down and pass it to your partner as a note, like we did back in grade school, before cell phones.  You can text it using a confidential messaging app like Wickr.  See what happens. Take the risk.

15. Stand up for someone else. Youll have the opportunity in 2017. I promise. Maybe in your home. Maybe in your neighborhood. Maybe at work. Maybe online. Defending someone will reassure that person and empower you.

16. Take 17 minutes to pretend that you are speaking to yourself, from the heart, as though you are your own ideal parent.  You can do this out loud, if you have the stage presence, or silently.  An ideal parent is empathetic, but honest in assessing his child and giving that child advice.  Sit yourself down, get very quiet and, then, tell yourselfwith the same care you would summon for a son or daughtertwo things you really admire about yourself and one very limiting, very disappointing thing about yourself you really wish you would try to change, because it could limit the whole rest of your life.  That one thing should be so searingly on-target and so necessary that it has the power to make you angry, make you anxious, bring you to tears or bring you to your knees.  Focusing about twice as long (say, 10 minutes) on the admirable qualities is something youd do for your kid, to take the sting out of the next 7 minutes, so do that for yourself.  And keep in mind that 17 minutes is a long time. Youll be tempted to avoid it or shorten it. But, you shouldnt.

17.  If you are a parent, resolve to mimic a habit I stumbled upon, when my kids were younger.  It really helps me stay balanced during times that might, otherwise, cause me lots of stress.  Here it is:  Whenever I get a phone call or an email or a text from someone telling me a project of mine or a goal or a relationship has hit a rough patch, I tell myself, silently, Yeah, well this isnt like a pediatrician calling me. What I mean is that, short of bad news about a child of mine, coming from a pediatrician (or, if your kids are older, like mine, an internal medicine doctor), nothing can really rock me. Because all of us parents know exactly how much time we would have for what seem like the big problems of our day or our week, if the phone rang, and a doctor on the other end said something like, Can I ask where you are? Because Ive seen your son, and I have something serious to talk with you about.  Id like you to come in.  Id have no time for all my other so-called problems, and neither would you.  So, things are actually better than we actually realize, most all of the time.

So, there are your 17 keys to making 2017 a transformational year.  I give them to you with the certain knowledge that you still have, inside you, all the wonderful potential you did the very first day you were born.  You havent lost one bit of it.  Its all there, just waiting for you to discover it.

Dont delay. Start on the list January 1, and by this time next year, God willing, youll be ready for the 18 steps for 2018. Life is like that: a never-ending process of self-improvement.

Dr. Keith Ablow is a psychiatrist and member of the Fox News Medical A-Team. 

Read more: http://fxn.ws/2iBzmPc

from Dr. Keith Ablow: Seventeen ways to improve your life in 2017