#i cant for the life of me figure out if im aromantic or if i just realllllly value my friendships

[the-ross-winchester]

Everyone talks about the "am I bisexual or asexual" confusion but no one talks about the "am I polyamorous or aromantic" confusion.

[zymstarz]

yeah sure that's how i'll [re]come out

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for dragging my cousin through the mud using tarot?

i know not everyone believes in tarot, and im not here to preach about whether you should believe in it or not. i believe in it and it has worked for me, so thats all that matters.

anyway, so i read tarot. i've been reading tarot since 2018 and ive gotten fairly good at it. to the point where i have had people cry when i read their tarot bc of how "accurate" my readings were. (i use quotation marks bc i personally dont like saying my readings are accurate)

anyway, i have a cousin (20s M) who is what people would call a lover. Love and Finding-A-Girlfriend are on his mind 24/7. As an aromantic person, his desperate attempts at pursuing any woman he lays eyes on is frankly gross to me. i just wont understand, and thats fine.

one day i went to his house and after having dinner with his family, they had me do tarot readings for everyone bc the topic naturally came up and i carry a tarot deck everywhere i go.

so i read my cousin's cards. he specifically asked for a love reading.

Now. the cards said that there would be a dark-haired woman. immediately he thought about girlfriend prospects, but the other two cards (bc i usually pull 3) talked about family and issues within the family.

and so i figured the dark-haired woman represents his mother, or more likely, his little sister whom he treats like shit.

he's an awful big brother to her, constantly yelling at her, demeaning her, and bringing her down when all she does is like, hang out.

as soon as i understood that the card was talking about his sister, i told him that his love life wouldnt go well until he fixes his relationship with his sister. and i justified it using the other two cards, but also by telling him that women do look at how a man treats his siblings when looking for partners.

and no good person would want to stay with him after seeing how he treats her. i basically ended up lecturing him in front of his entire family, using the cards as something of an excuse (even though the cards were the ones that started the lecture 😤)

anyway, he got mad at me, saying that i didnt know anything bc i dont do relationships and that i let my personal feelings affect the reading, which is true to an extent but i cant make up the fact that he pulled those cards.

he's in disbelief and hasnt made any attempt to fix his attitude toward his sister, and his girl problems continue, as i predict they will for a hot minute... but AITA for reading him for filth using tarot?

What are these acronyms?

[mikka-minns]

Opinions on characters: Kiryuu Nanami, Saionji Kyouichi, Tatsuki Shiori

Thank you for the ask! Im guessing its for the ask game(the general opinion is included so yeah) Sorry i didnt answer until now😅

Kiryuu Nanami

General opinion: She is everything to me. Her mere existance confirme half of my theories about Anthy and Akio.

She is a queen. She didnt deserve this.

The reason she isnt in the movie is because she realised the truth about Ohtori in time and when things started to go back to their bad nature she was able to leave.

She is the perfect first character to find out about Akio's abuse because she lived with one of his victims, he ruined her life in-directly and was about to make her another one of his victims. Her character and story are perfect, i would change nothing about her.

(i have a big post about her, Anthy and Shadow Girls to write so stay tuned for that)

A ship i love: i cant decide if i like the idea that Nanami is aromantic or a lesbian(so probably both) and i dont have a ship with her i realy love. I like Nanami x Kozue a bit, mostly for the parrallels, but i have my own problems with Kozue(which is its own topic), so im not sure how much i actualy ship it. But then again, most of my Rgu Ships go under "after 15 years of therapy they can actualy date", so... Who know.

A non-romantic relationship i love: her friendship with Utena and Anthy and her friendship with Saionji. I wish she got a chance to apologize to Anthy once they were both in a good place and far away from their brothers. For Saionji, i hope they got to meet after he left Ohtori with Juri and Miki. If he grew as a person(which is necessery for escapong Ohtori) he would be a great big brother. Also, the egg episode realy sells me the idea he is her brother figure. "No appreciation for brotherly advice".

A NOTP: Nanami x Touga and Nanami x Akio(OBVIOUSLY). I havent seen anyone ship it and GOOD. That is a one way ticket to hell. I Also dont like Nanami x Saionji, but thats mostly personal opinion cuz i see them as siblings. Might Also be the age gap but idk.

My biggest headcanon about them: as i said, SHE LEFT THE OHTORI NOT LONG AFTER THE SERIES FINALE! She is also an animal person but is not used to them because of her family(cats trigger he trauma too). Once she and Anthy make up, BECAUSE THEY WILL, Anthy  lets her spend time with her animal friends, maybe even helps her adopt an animal of her own.

An idea for fanfiction: Nanami meeting with everyone from Ohtori after they escape, exploring their relationships once they arent under control of their abusers.

(this one is in my WIPs, i Just have to finish it) Weed bride. Anthy and Nanami smoke blunts together along with everyone else. They Also take over Ohtori. I dont wanna spoil anything.

Something that makes me think of them:

Songs "Oh no!" and "Family jewels" by Marina and the diamonds, "allies or Enemies"(about her and Touga) and "Take me to War" by crane wives. And a few more but this is on the top of my mind.

Kyouichi Saionji

General opinion: He was the perfect first antagonists for the series. He is so pathetic, no one takes him seriusly, which is a perfect foil to Akio being adored and trusted by many characters.

He most likely isn pure evil as he is still a child, but he should defenetly be taken responsible for his actions(abuse of Anthy).

A ship i love: touga x Saionji but ONLY AFTER 20, NO, 40 YEARS OF THERAPY! They both hurt each other, they should solve their problems. I wish we saw Saionji's Thoughts about Touga in the movie, but hey, we cant have everything.

A non-romantic relationship that i love: as i said, he would make a great brother to Nanami. As i doubt either of them will ever see Touga again, they could help each other with the trauma. Saionji defenetly has family problems, everyone does in Ohtori.

I also like his friendship with Wakaba, i dont ship them tbh. I feel like she can put him in his place with ease(she beat Utena up as a petty joke).

Not realy a positive relationship, but his rivalry with Utena is very intresting. He is like a trashy version of her. Their straight love intrests are each other's real crushes, but they project. This would all be solved if the world wasnt homophobic. I want them to fight, middle-school-girl style cuz Saionji would get his ass handed to him.

A NOTP: saionji x Akio (OBVIOUSLY) and Saionji x Nanami (again, its just my personal preference)

My biggest headcanon about them: he projected Touga onto Anthy. Thats what kinda stings about how he treated her. Its obvious that relationship was going nowhere, but he never even liked her for her and so it was Just cruel.

He feels as if he isnt good enough for people around him and was at some point jealous about Touga's relationship with Akio cuz it seemed like Touga was so much more mature that he was getting attention of another adult.(angsty i know, but its based on reality)

A fanfic idea: him and Nanami meeting again(as you can see, im very normal a out them)

Maybe an AU where he and Touga dont go so off the edge ti become the pricks they are in the canon and instead Run away with Nanami and live as a little family(THIS SHOW HURT ME, OKAY)

In weed bride, Anthy wrecks his shit cuz he was with Touga and she was about to end Touga so obviously he will get some too. (that fic is Just pure crack)

Tatsuki Shiori

Something that Reminds me of them: tbh i cant think of anything right now.

General opinion: gurlfailiure. I love her. Just another child in a cruel world. She only had the worst adults to look up to and so she hurt the Ones she loved the most. She has room to grow and redeemed herself, she is only a child after all.

I think her place in the movie was great because of that. (i think her role was methaphore for what happend after the series finale, Just like with everyone else)

A ship that i love: i like Juri x Shiori and kinda Shiori x Kozue(both girls are disasters) but i wouldnt say i love either of those. Again, years of therapy, then they can get bitches.

A non-romantic relationship i love: not sure

Maybe her relationship with Touga cuz i dont see it as a real romance. I like it for the narrative(its not realy healthy) and how we found out a lot about Touga trough it.

I think her relationship with Ruka was a perfect example of an older guy messing with a younger girl. Toxic and cruel.

A NOTP: Shiori x Akio (look i have to make sure its known i do not unde any circumstances support these Ships) and Shiori x Ruka(he is an abusive asshole. A mini Akio, if you will)

My biggest headcanon about them: she is queer and full of internalised homophobia. She loved Juri but she is Just another pawn in Akio's game and so she could do nothing but hurt her. I dont think they made up after the end of the movie, im not even sure Shiori escaped, so idk if they even met after.

She liked Touga less because he is a prince and more because he is like a rose bride(like her, in a way) but is not a girl so its fiiine(side eye).

A fanfic idea: i dont have any right now

Maybe exploring her movie role and/or her mindset trough a fanfic?

Something that Reminds me of them: again, not sure.

[doctor-says-im-alright]

Ive been wondering lately if I really do have bipolar with psychotic features or if I have schizoaffective. Idk why the idea of bipolar though is so offensive to me lol. I think its because I never really feel grandiose and thats just an unfair part of the bargain.

The main difference I found is psychosis symptoms outside of mood episodes. Ive been trying to figure that out, but as my moods are really long, Im not sure. I was thinking maybe that is true because this year I seem to launch into paranoia in a single afternoon instead of over months. But thats associated with a stressed mood, not anything neutral? Idk. My paranoia is generally after Ive become fully stressed, but honestly, it is possible I have delusions constantly. How do you even know? I know I have OCD but I am so fixated on death that it might be more delusional than just OCD - like I do have rituals but its mainly just stressful thoughts that Im being haunted and the proof was a dead bug.

But the past week I noticed I shifted into a different phase. Im suddenly energetic or agitated. Like laughing hysterically, talking a lot, becoming really upset or angry, sad, overwhelmed, and constantly unreasonably scared. Everything is a threat. I seem to be really focused on fires happening for some reason. I am sleeping way more than normal, actually my sleep is suddenly really stressful. I dont go to sleep unless I take meds but thats normal for me, but now I cant get up. Ill wake up and its like Im magnetised to the bed and am stuck for awhile until I actually wake up. I sleep 12-14 hours but when I look at my Fitbit data its somehow only 5-6 hours in that time Im asleep. I know it, too. Its like Im not asleep and am in my room but dreaming in it. I didnt even realize I was so upset about this until I saw a post by someone talking about training their service dog to wake them up properly and asking how to do it and I could cry with the relief if I could figure out something mine could do to help me with it.

I generally always get told Im too self aware to have any psychosis issues and I think Im good at sounding self aware but Im actually not at all. I have no idea what Im thinking or feeling, Im guessing based on any knee jerk things that may have come out. Like last year I was in the psych ward for paranoia, but I hadnt even noticed or was able to communicate, but can see it now, that I was actually in danger of attacking people because I believed they were going to kill me first, and that had been my motivation to go in. And it wasnt even the person I said I was paranoid of.

I cant even figure out if my hand hurts or not. I have no idea what Im thinking or feeling. I know Im jumpy and on level 100 of agitation. I just suddenly start crying, Im overwhelmed with proofs of life and death. If someone tells me a joke I literally cry laughing. My words are mixing up and I feel like I cant say anything. I read things Ive written and even Im like what?? What does that even say. I know I am having PTSD symptoms - thats a given with me. I know for months Ive been hyperfocused on it, its been a source of anger outbursts.

Like for some reason the thought of romance or sex or any relationship sends me into a flying rage. My dog licking my other dog disturbs me so deeply I immediately lose it and have to run outside or throw something. People talking about love and needing people makes me feel so revolted. Ive been half dating someone and they mentioned kissing and Im ready to set myself and everyone else on fire. I cant stand the thought of desire and needing someone and craving them it is disturbing and I want to be sick thinking about it. But Im not normally like this at all. Not at all.

I am asexual and aromantic and my friend keeps making sex jokes and referencing my being asexual and I swear to god Im going to throw up on him or hit him with a wooden spoon. Havent decided yet.

[wisteria-lodge]

bird primary + snake secondary (bird model)

hi! apologies if this is all over the place, im going a little crazy. so, i am going absolutely crazy trying to figure out my primary and secondary. i used to think i was a snake bird (modeling badger snake), but then i started thinking about it and went “hm. maybe im actually a double snake?” and now im thinking i might be a lion snake or . something. i have absolutely no idea. i do know ive either exploded or burnt both primary and secondary at some point though.

So some Exploding or Burning, probably an Internal primary (Snake or Lion) with an I Move secondary (Bird or Snake.) Let’s see what we have. 

so, ive always thought i must be a snake primary because i’m very people-oriented (and i regard people with a certain type of possessiveness), but thats mostly because like… i have an intrinsic fear of being alone thanks to lgbt things (im aromantic - so the internalized arophobia and fear of dying alone is REAL big, esp considering my ex was just straight-up an arophobe) and mental illness issues (i have autism and ptsd that both mesh together to create my being incredibly anxious when around new people/situations - which doesnt lend itself well to interacting with others, so when i do latch onto someone, i latch on HARD). 

Just breathe. It’s okay. But yeah, that’s survival mode human stuff. We do have Burnt secondary language “not good at dealing with new people/situations” etch. And you *did* apologize to me first thing, which is my favorite litmus test for whether a secondary is burnt or not. 

i would not feel bad dropping each and every person in my life for literally zero reason other than i didnt like their vibes. in fact, i really wish i felt comfortable enough to do that! 

Cool. That’s kinda badass. Make me think Idealist primary... and probably Lion, who are classically the most comfortable being loners. 

im so tired all the time, and being the resident mom friend doesnt help that at all. 

ooooh we’ve got a burnt secondary, compensating Badger secondary model. (Or possibly just badger secondary.) 

ive honestly started getting a bit resentful of my friends bc i feel like theyre making me take care of them (though i know they arent).

That’s a common problem with Badger secondary people who aren’t *really* protective of their boundaries. 

so… i guess it would be helpful to explain my morals and motivations, huh?? to be blunt, i really dont know what they currently are. ive started pulling away from relying on other people. which is really healthy for me i think. i used to rely on my ex in particular to handle all of my morals (with them convincing me i was actually evil in the process - they were abusive) and im really glad that im healing enough to stop outsourcing at least that, but im still trying to build up… something to rely on. 

You’re the second SortMe post in a row that to use the specific phrase “outsourcing my morals,” but I don’t think I’m going to sort you the same way, and I’ll tell you why. 

Mainly what I am doing here is making what I consider to be statistically likely guesses. I’ve read a lot of these, and it’s enough to start seeing patterns. And I can tell you that “gaslighting ex” is MUCH more of Burnt Bird primary story, than a Burnt Lion primary story. Put that together with “I’m trying to build up... something to rely on”... and I’d be very surprised if you weren’t a Bird, friend.

i really dont ever feel quite secure. especially not enough to actually express myself as myself. hopping from relationship to relationship has been my stand-in for support up to now, but relationships are just … augh. i dont like them. ive always also felt a drive to protect and care for people (and animals! i wanted to do wildlife rehab growing up, and on the people side ive been interested in anthropology) in need

Sounds like a pretty good start to building a system. 

which sounds very badgery on paper, but honestly i cant relate to badgers really at all. something about it just doesnt really fit me, i guess? i cant relate to the community aspect of it. like yes, every person is a person, but also like. thats not whats important to me. i want to do good things, and be good, or at least better than i was before, and yes that involves taking care of those in need (to me at least), but its not… like how badgers are typically described. i dont even have anything against badgers, i really like them, but im just. not that.

You’re not a Badger. You like some of the values, but your life is not built out of communities, and you seem to like it that way.

i have also almost never forgiven anyone in my life. the few times i have ended up being mistakes, so never again. 

There was another Bird primary post that made the important distinction that there’s forgiving someone... and then there’s letting them back in to do the same thing again. 

on the snake side, i feel like i might have used to rank people according to how important they are to me, but i think that was more of a learned thing than anything else. i really admire snakes, and i want to be one, but i feel more like im just . not being genuine when i think of myself as one, even though thats what i get each time i take the official shc test (which i have recently taken the 2.0 one) and what ive considered myself to be for years now. its stopped fully fitting (unless im somehow gaslighting myself here) and i really dont know what to do about that. 

You also weren’t in a very healthy place recently, and it’s a lot harder to get a read on yourself when you’re not doing okay. (Not impossible, just... harder.) 

like, ill live, its really not that big of a deal, but i still have emotions and its still difficult. i dont like being wrong.

That’s also sounding pretty Bird to me. Both “I don’t like being wrong” and the “my emotions are difficult.” If you were a Lion, those emotions would be your compass, but Birds don’t work that way. 

on the how i do things side - i tend to react very aggressively when what/who i care about gets fucked over, and see no problem with being vicious or lying, acting, whatever i need to do to get my point across. i dont view it as bad. whatever works, works yknow? 

Okay, so you’re probably a Snake or a Bird secondary (which you knew.) And I do see where that Snake primary false positive is coming from. You have some Snake values in your system for sure, but you don’t sound like a Snake when you talk. 

i do like planning at least an outline before things, but im also perfectly content throwing it out the window. though i do enjoy collecting little bits of info i can use later! and learning! and using what i learn! but its very much a “oooohhh this is fun!!!” type thing. 

So that’s at least a fun Bird model (and it seems like every single neurodivergent person has a Bird model, so that’s not all that surprising.) 

i am not a hard worker. at all. i HATE doing things the badger sec way. it sucks and i hate it and i just want to get things done with immediately right now.

Hmm. Now that sounds very In-the-Moment, doesn’t it? I’m starting to lean Snake. 

one thing i very clearly remember from childhood is that once, in middle school, i hung out with a group of mostly boys and we were like. the loner weirdo kids. and one guy smacked me across the face for whatever reason and i immediately went “if you do that again, i will kick you directly in the crotch,” and then he went “i like you!” and we were. ig friends? from then on. Guys.. idk 

Guys are known to socialize like that sometimes. 

i didnt really have that much of an opinion on him that i can remember. i thought i was a bird for a while because of the aforementioned “oh learning fun!” thing and my reliance on at least a light plan, but then i thought about what i do under pressure. and i realized that i go fully improv, and that i feel better doing that than planning. 

Yeah, I bet it does. 

because planning also sucks and i dont really like it. ive tried using planners before and its…. so hard to keep up with….. now, my mom is a lion sec and i dont understand her AT ALL. like yeah, i can imitate her and also push through things directly, but my god is it uncomfy. id prefer to poke around and get a handle on things first, so i can have more of a finesse to what i do. 

Oh this is such classic Snake secondary stuff. Right down to the way that Snake Secondaries do not get Lions, and vice-versa. Also, I dunno, from all the examples given, I would not describe you as “not good at interacting with others.” 

i tend to favor seduction and assassination or rogue-ish routes in games, if that helps any. 

It does. (Snake.) 

sometimes my mom will be set on doing things a certain way and will be metaphorically banging her head on a wall, 

like a Lion 

and ill be in the corner desperately just like “mom please let me do this please let me hand you a different way to do this oh my god you are killing me here that isnt going to work”

Yeah, that seems like a pretty clear communication disconnect. 

[maaaxx]

Small rant ✨️✨️✨️

(Tws in tags)

Speaking into.the void rn bc im having a small crisis but im talking to this boy and im having a lot of complicated feelings about me bc one thing about me is i dont know what kind of queer i am bc of so many different things, like we have the religious trauma going 'your not actually queer your making it up for attention' and then i have the autism/introception issues like 'maybe youre not aroace maybe you just dont pick up on those signals differently' bc like i like the idea of a relationship as a concept but like when i think of the reality of it im just like??? Who would want someone living in their house??? Who would want to have to put that much effort into someone??? Like i do genuinely feel happier on my own and being able to not have to consult someone else on decisions that effects my life. But its also like 'oh yeah i have a partner :)))' 'this person loves m:)))' 'this is someone who will always be in your corner and values you and is attracted to you :)))' so theres that and THEN theres like 'good father figure? Hardly know her.' Like i genuinely dont know a single (cis)man in my life that i dont despise to some degree. Not to be like terfy and misandristic. What if my brain just makes me sunconsciously think im not attracted to people as a trauma response???

And so like everytime i start talking to someone with romantic intentions i feel like a shitty person because theres a chance i cant reciprocate that and i am VERY MUCH for qpr's and i understand that aromantic people can be in very healthy romantic relationships but i feel like those things just arent for me. So i feel like im leading this man on and its not as simple as 'oh yeah just communicate with him' like im not out yet to basically anyone irl. What if he tells someone??? 'Max you shouldnt be with someone you dont trust' but its just the talking stage i think thats the stage where your trying to figure out if you trust them or not??? Like i was in school with this guy for 13 years but we were acquaintances at best. And hes always been kind and he seems progressive enough but posting pro choice stuff on facebook is different than being a decent person.

Then theres also the whole 'i dont even know if i like him platonically thing, let alone enough for a relationship. Hes sweet, like i said' and has interests which seems to be rare for a man but im not clicking with him at all. I cant tell if i find him attractive i cant tell if i like his personality i dont know anything about him but his first and last name tho.

I dont even know if im ready for a relationship. Like im still a christian despite all the issues i have with church. So i dont know if i should still try to find someone with the same faith as me but my denomination is extremely conservative so doing that i risk getting with a man who tries to tell me what to do with my body and doesnt believe i (as a queer woman) should exist. But if i date outside my church thats going to be somethinf i will always feel shitty about.

Having contradicting identities is hard because half of me is like 'i need to stop entertaining the fact that im queer and just ignore it.' And the other half is like 'fuck the christians, i want to be happy with my own life and not have this omniscent entity tell me what to do'

[chappedlipjournal]

Im tired but i need to type this out. Yesterday a guy at work asked me out (not a direct coworker but we do work for the same employer) and he did it by asking to hang out over our work im-ing software. Not the smoothest move. I did not reply bcuz i had to leave work on time to make my pt appt and i replied this morning with the help of my lovely lovely friends and now we are getting coffee on friday during a break which is fine. I held my boundaries and i feel good about that. My friends and myself keep reminding me that i dont owe him anything. I dont get asked out/hit on often, lumping them together despite them being different imo, because i have the same reaction each time. My relationship with my sexuality and my romantic orientation is complicated. Ive identified as ace for almost a decade now (wow!) But romance has always been a struggle and here lately ive circled back to the term aromantic but i still want that depe intimate connection with someone. I have a hard time figuring out if im romantically attracted to someone. I had crushes as a kid. One on a boy at daycare. Another on a boy in high school. And passing fancies of oh thats the kind of boy you have a crush on. And then nothing since. I dont think the crushes i had were disingenuous or faked. I look back on them fondly. But the last crush on a boy i had was when i was a freshman in high school. Then in college i met someone and i had an insanely difficult time telling if i had a crush on them but i dont think them leaving me resulted in a platonic reaction. But thats something i will never get closure for.

But whenever this happens i immediately jump to like twenty years in the future thinking would this person want to listen to taylor swift with me always and not get tired of eating pancakes every weekend and be alright with my schedule and routines etc etc and i cant ever picture the answer being yes? And like right now i dont know this guy. I know his name. I know he likes critical role. I know where he works. Thats it. Which is fine. But there are so many blanks and its overwhelming and slightly terrifying.

I almost always feel like ive been duped somehow. That i missed whatever they were putting down and picked it up by accident. I wasnt flirting with him. I wasnt trying to impress him. My coworker was asking if there was something that interested me in him when i saw him and i thought oh hes here to do his job. And she laughed and i knew i failed that test. But i dont know why.

This is all much further complicated by the fact that i really do think im autistic. I dont think i have neurotypical views of these things. And i wonder if he/someone would be okay with what that actually means. If they dont mind the stimming. If they dont mind my routines. If they dont mind my echolalia. And again i cant picture the answer being yes. And i wonder if how i view romance and relationships and everything else is more influenced by autism than anything else.

Ive been listening to taylor swift and ive realized ive never really felt the way she describes in any of her songs. Ever. And i know they are dramatized and romanticized and everything else. But so are all love songs.

I did go on a date with a guy when I was in England several years ago. We were touring the oxford, i think, castle which was not a castle anymore. And we started talking and he asked me to dinner and i said yes because i was flattered. But i was like 20 and he was like 28 and i was like oh we are in wildly different stages in life and i never spoke to him again. I dont remember his name.

And i am flattered when i am asked out. But i also feel guilty. And caught off guard. And wide eyed like a deer in the headlights. I become hyper aware that people are interpreting my actions and words andaybe picking up things i am not intending to put out.

When i was in jr high i got asked to the dances and i said yes to one and i think no to the other. A boy i rode the bus with every day for years asked me to the dance and i said yes because i felt bad saying no. And he asked me because i was nice to him. I think i said no to the other boy. But i dont remember. Im sure he does. But i know he asked me because i was nice to him.

I cant tell how much of these thoughts are queer thoughts, how much may be autism, how much is just me. Either way i have no idea what i am going to tell this man when we get coffee. And i know i dont have to tell him anything. I dont think i will feel better until its over with.

[irinamitr]

i dont have any advice for you im just here to say im in a very similar boat [it always makes me feel better to know im not 100% alone after all]

but i also struggle with figuring out if im aromantic or if i just have high standards, and then i dont even know if those standards are actually high or if its simply that people rarely pursue me [and even then is it because they arent interested or is it because i dont put myself out there?] like the idea of dating someone feels incorrect, but is it because i think i wouldnt get anything out of it or is it because i cant see someone ever seeing me that way? do i set myself up for failure and only get interested in people who i Cannot Have because im just generally self sabotaging or because i dont want to be with anybody? i dont think theres any real way to know other than to date people, but thats a task that seems impossible to me.

anyways, have a good day! i hope you enjoy what you read and find lots of time to do it.

oh how the world works, out of all the people you meet in life to find the first one to voice something so perfectly similar to my experience on tumblr! but that actually means so much, i was writing those words into the void without expecting anyone to see and seeing your message was extremely hopeful, thank you so much for putting it all into words!!

i feel like i could be okay with being aromantic and except it for what it is but how hard it is to to understand those feelings and know for sure. no one ever seems to feel this way, everyone around have their crushes on people at all times but i just never understood it, you know? only those unattainable figures, but even so i feel like with time i would lose interest and no single person would ever be able to hold my attention for long. or maybe i just never knew anyone on that personal level where you love someone unconditionally. i feel like love exists only as a concept but never in reality, it all feels so hollow.

and oh, i actually wanted to have a little experiment and maybe just try going on a date? just to see what all the fuss is about. but every chance i got close to doing it, i immediately retreated and i never seem to find the courage to do it. i don't want to lead other people on when i know that it would only be an opportunity to check that experience out of "want to try" list.

you say that the idea of dating feels incorrect to you and i also can't even imagine a situation where i would be comfortable with someone in relationship. it takes a lot of work and trust and maybe i am too selfish for that.

maybe there's no way of knowing but to live and see where it takes you. i hope you find your answers with time! and that whatever it is it would bring you comfort. maybe you would meet someone and would be able to heal. and if you are actually aromantic, it is probably just as good. society was built around this romantic love concept but it's not all there is, the world is huge and a lot of things can bring you happiness! thank you again!!

[arcadia-city-stories-if]

where do you stand on the drama ?

The acephobia stuff?

Honestly? I wasn't here, I spent all day at the hospital so I'm not really sure what exactly happened and where it started so I can't really speak on that side of it? And I don't really get these kind of anons very often, the luxury of not having my demo out yet I think lol.

What I can say that acephobia is dumb and shortsighted and asking creators to alter their characters because they want more sexualised text on an ROs route is... bizarre to say the least? If it's not for you then that's fine, sex is important to a lot of people, and at either end of this particular spectrum, there shouldn't be an expectation to change who you are for another person, cos that's shitty, and you just don't treat people that way.

The same goes for ROs, OCs and MCs too. If you don't like it, it's not really your business, and that's ok! Just move along. We are drowning in IF content, if you can't find what you want in one, you will find it in another, just don't harass people on your way out the door, it's unnecessary and tiring and everyone has better things to be doing tbh!

[jonbinary-archive]

[reads abt loveless aros] this better not awaken anything within me

[aroaceconfessions]

it stings that when in conversations with my friends or anyone around me i can't defend or explain asexuality of aromanticness properly cause im so scared of what'll happen if i try to defend something when it's in the "wrong". i live in malaysia where anything lgbtq is already such a loaded question and im considered so, so lucky that my friends and some teachers in my school don't treat it as taboo, in fact some are queer themselves and we have to go to hell and back to make sure no adult can no about it. i thought my friends would understand when i told them im asexual, but they all (very kindly, to be fair) told me they think im just a late bloomer. i mean, sure, that could be the case, im still figuring myself out, but it still hurts a bit that even the most accepting of people i know in real life dont believe me when i say im ace or aro. and i cant even say anything about it. what can i do? tell my parents? the teachers? the counselor? other friends? in malaysia? where i am now? im too scared of what'll happen if i fight back. i can take the dismissal, sure, but it still hurts

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

i think im aroace. i fit some of the criteria and generally i just have a very complicated and lengthy relationship with romance. im usually romance favorable except when im not. sometimes i feel like i cant be arospec because im not the same as my friends who are also aro. its somewhat disheartening because ive spent so much of my life wanting romance and wanting relationships and wanting to experience dating culture and i thought id get to have it one day because im capable of liking people sometimes but i cant handle it when someone likes me back and i know it cant be commitment issues because i have absolutely no qualms committing to platonic friendships and moderately sized life decisions but theres just something in the way of me having a normal allo love experience and i know this identity is something i should be proud of and sometimes it is! i absolutely love looking through the tags on tumblr and i love that i have a unique way of experiencing feelings and this label really does make me so happy! but i cant help but yearn for a simpler existence. why cant it just be a case of liking a guy called daniel and then him liking me back and then we date and break up and then i go for a one-night stand with a girl called melissa and then we date and break up and date again and i meet her parents and i tell her i love her and then we grow old together. ive just always wanted something straight out of a tv show or book or whatever but the world just looks so much narrower now and it feels so much harder to find someone that it can work out with. i dont know. i hate amatonormativity. and sorry for the negative energy. i just kinda needed to get this off my chest. thank you for the safe space.

For being different than your aro friends, it's important to remember the aro spectrum is really diverse. There's a lot of different ways to be aro. So when trying to figure out if the label is right for you or not, I wouldn't factor that in too much, instead I'd focus more on things like is the label useful for you? Do you feel a connection to it? Does alloromantic feel wrong to you? Because being alloromantic encompasses so many things, there's so many ways to fall outside that mold. So remember this is your journey, keep asking yourself what makes sense for you.

It's OK to have negative feelings about possibly being aro, or about not being able to have that allo-normative romance you thought you would. This can be a big adjustment for some people, not everyone can just say 'oh I'm aromantic and I'm going to live a different life than I thought I did/not have a lot of experiences I thought I would' and not be affected by that (some people do have different experiences, but it's really not unreasonable to have to work at dealing with that.)

Sometimes you need to mourn the life and experiences you thought you'd have. Sometimes it takes a little while to reframe your goals and expectations in life. Sometimes I like to say being aro often means forging your own path rather than following the one laid out for you, that can be really exciting learning about yourself and figuring out what you do excited by and want to do, but it's scary too. And it's OK to have all these feelings.

I think what you're doing right now though going through tumblr tags and finding a side of aro that you enjoy is really great and really good first step. Finding some blogs you like or some aro-centric media may help too (look into books and podcast lists, because that seems to be where the most aro characters are these days). This is always helpful, no matter where you land, because it just normalizes being aro, and makes it feel a lot less scary.

The other thing is just take your time. You're figuring out a lot of things right now, you don't have to rush anything. Things will get easier as you figure more out and you start to understand yourself better.

Feel free to send in another ask if you have more questions or want to talk more.

All the best!

[aro-culture-is]

hi. i’ve been struggling with if i’m aro or not. i identify as aroace specifically cupioromantic ace. ive never had a crush. all my “crushes” were just aesthetic attraction and wanting to know more about them but from a distance. i never wanted it to go anywhere. i hated it because i knew i didn’t actually like them but it was like my brain wanted me to. the idea of someone liking me has always made me panic. the idea of affection such as kissing, hugging, cuddling etc makes me uncomfortable. i don’t understand how romantic relationships work. i’ve even googled it a few times. i want to get married because i want a life partner to love and potentially have kids with, but i cant imagine myself dating someone let alone getting married. it seems simple to figure out but my body image issues, insecurities, and childhood could easily be to blame for all of these so i’m really stuck. i feel bad for using the label even though im not sure because ignorant people think aces just “can’t get laid” and aros “can’t get a date” and i’m basically feeding into their ignorance

hi! this is kinda a long ask, so i'm gonna break it up into chunks.

hi. i’ve been struggling with if i’m aro or not. i identify as aroace specifically cupioromantic ace. ive never had a crush. all my “crushes” were just aesthetic attraction and wanting to know more about them but from a distance. i never wanted it to go anywhere. i hated it because i knew i didn’t actually like them but it was like my brain wanted me to. the idea of someone liking me has always made me panic. the idea of affection such as kissing, hugging, cuddling etc makes me uncomfortable. i don’t understand how romantic relationships work. i’ve even googled it a few times

So, to start with: it sounds to me like you've never had crushes, which likely means that you've never experienced romantic attraction - fitting neatly into the aromantic label even at it's most over-simplified. It also sounds to me like you are romance repulsed. You express intense distaste and discomfort around romance.

i want to get married because i want a life partner to love and potentially have kids with, but i cant imagine myself dating someone let alone getting married.

To rephrase as I understand it: you want a committed long term partner and to raise kids with, but don't want it to be romantic? There's a few things I want to address as possibilities: first of all, have you heard of QueerPlatonic Relationships (QPRs)? They can be a non-romantic, long-term and committed relationship. You may or may not like that thought - personally I'm not interested, though many aros are. Another possibility is that you are feeling the societal pressure to do this - while the term refers to more than just this, amatonormativity can make us feel bad for not wanting romance or marriage in our lives.

it seems simple to figure out but my body image issues, insecurities, and childhood could easily be to blame for all of these so i’m really stuck

in all honesty... does that matter? does it matter "why" someone is aromantic any more than it matters "why" someone is gay? I see this attitude around a LOT recently, and in all truth it feels to me so very similar to attitudes about gay individuals that I grew up with... which we now know to be homophobia and eugenics-driven beliefs. I recall straight adults in my life commenting, when I was a child, about how they didn't understand how someone could be gay because "they had such a normal childhood", and now I see "Oh, you must be (and, just as often, not be) aromantic because you had a traumatic childhood (or poor self image, etc)". I can't describe how much it makes my skin crawl to see such attitudes. When individuals express such things, it is driven by the eugenics fueled belief that if we can learn "why", we can "cure" it and remove it from the genetic pool.

i feel bad for using the label even though im not sure because ignorant people think aces just “can’t get laid” and aros “can’t get a date” and i’m basically feeding into their ignorance

Ah yes, because stereotypes are formed by individuals who fit them rather than the oppressor class building preconceived notions which are VERY likely to have no evidence or background in reality /s. Genuinely, why does it matter if you are a stereotype? Is it not the intention of bigots to make us feel bad for being ourselves? Why should we give them the pleasure of driving us from our communities over their small-mindedness? You're fine - signed, a loveless, sex favorable aro with trauma (aka: THE stereotype).

tl;dr: it sounds to me like you're a romance repulsed aroace individual. you may feel bad about this due to amatonormativity, and as such are rejecting yourself for, frankly, arophobic reasons.

I've answered questions like this via the tag "am i aro", if you'd like to see more responses!

- mod kee

[asexual-society]

Are you still aromantic if you love romantic movies/books (the pride and prejudice confession scene does *things* to my heart), dream of finding your soulmate and having one of these cute "fairytale" romances with picknics, slowdancing, forehead kisses and cuddling?

Because I want all of this but i hardly if ever fall in love with real people. I had crushes on classmates as a kid but now i think i just liked them and thought they were nice. I've never had a relationship and the only time someone told me they liked me it was more the thrill of being considered pretty and lovable and the feeling of maybe having found my soulmate for me than actually being in love.

I know im asexual so maybe it's just that? Because i want the romance and happily ever after and i have a lot of love to give but i cant find anyone i feel like sharing this with.

And a qpr doesnt sound appealing to me either since it lacks the romantic connection im looking for.

Figuring out your sexual and romantic orientation is hard :/

You're right,, figuring this stuff out is really difficult, but you can totally still be aro if you like/want those things! I personally love a good slow burn romance, it's like I get to vicariously experience romantic attraction through them, and the same with certain romantic songs I'm like wow this is what it's about huh? Lots of aros are romance repulsed or averse (I am in most contexts too) but this isn't a requirement, just some context, and many love all the things you describe, so it's certainly not a one size fits all, "if you like this you have to like something else" or "if you don't like this you can't like the other". If you don't, or very rarely experience romantic attraction, you're aro, any other feelings you have towards it are incidental.

You might like the term cupioromantic, which is a microlabel under the arospec umbrella where you don't experience romantic attraction, but still desire to be in a romantic relationship, and aro people can have very happy and fulfilling romantic relationships if they choose.

Coming to terms with being aro helped me deconstruct a lot of the amatonomativity I'd internalised during my life, so while I did at one time want that sort of fairytale romance, at some point a romantic relationship just wasn't something I was interested in pursuing anymore. This isn't true for everyone, some aro people do want those things and that's fine! But I'm much more secure in myself now I know that I can be happy without. I'm not trying to be derisive of aros who do want romantic relationships at all, I respect them a great deal and I know that's not easy, but I see a lot of people mourning their romantic attraction as though they've lost something, and I think we as a community could benefit from viewing our aromanticism as something we've gained, not a better life we've lost.

-mod key

[osmpalliumduo]

“Soos’ girlfriend” was always my favorite episode of GF and I’ve been trying to brainstorm the AU version of it

I’ve always figured/headcanon c!Techno as ace so the whole “episode” will revolve around the fact that

Yes, you can live life without a partner.

—

“Techno. How come everyone else has two people taking care of them but not me?”

“Huh?” Techno places his mug down with an eyebrow raised, his little sister jabbing her fork into her mashed potatoes; her other hand resting on her cheek. “What’s that supposed to mean?”-

“When are you getting a signi-significant other?” She pouts, tripping on her words due to the complexity of it for someone her age.

Techno chokes on air, spluttering in confusion as he just stares, “Why would I--?”

“What are you going to do when you die? It won’t say loving husband like dad!”

“Please, I’ll never die,” Techno grins, placing a hand on his chest, which only made his sister whine more.

“Technooo!”

“Is someone bullying you about this?”

“Technoooo!”

“I’ll kill em.” Techno stands.

“No!” She reaches out, panicked. “No one’s bullying me! Pinky promise. I just…want…”

…

“What’s wrong?” Tubbo asks, watching Techno’s usually focused eyes staring off into nothing with an unmoving broom in hand.

Techno blinks, “Oh. My sister recently asked when I’m getting a signifi--“

“Holy shit! Are you on a quest for girls too?” Tommy bounces up to Techno and the older leans away.

“No.” Techno says, blunt and simple. “I don’t have the heart to tell her I don’t want one.”

“What?!” Tommy shouts. “Boys work too! Or any other gender… I’m sure your sister won’t mind!”

“I’m sure she won’t but--“

“At least try!”

“Well--“

“Come on! Come on! Let’s go find you a partner!”

“I still have wor--“

“Ranboo can cover!”

The boy mentioned suddenly perks up from his cashier counter, startled at the sudden attention, “Um. Yeah, sure. Go for it man. Phil won’t mind.”

Techno slumps, “Fine.”

TECHNO BEING AROMANTIC/ACE MAKES MY HEART GO BRRRRR

IM SO LOVING THIS AU SO MUCH HOLY SHIT, THE WHOLE THING ITS JUST AAAGGGGHHHH 💞✨💞

SORRY IF I CANT GET THOIGHTS OUT CORRECTLY BUT BRAIN GO BRRRR I LIKE THIS AU !!! AND I LIKE YOUR WRITING !!! AND JUST!!! POG !!! :D