#either im going to have my church people be like “pray the gay away and keep your dating life inside the church”

[maaaxx]

Small rant ✨️✨️✨️

(Tws in tags)

Speaking into.the void rn bc im having a small crisis but im talking to this boy and im having a lot of complicated feelings about me bc one thing about me is i dont know what kind of queer i am bc of so many different things, like we have the religious trauma going 'your not actually queer your making it up for attention' and then i have the autism/introception issues like 'maybe youre not aroace maybe you just dont pick up on those signals differently' bc like i like the idea of a relationship as a concept but like when i think of the reality of it im just like??? Who would want someone living in their house??? Who would want to have to put that much effort into someone??? Like i do genuinely feel happier on my own and being able to not have to consult someone else on decisions that effects my life. But its also like 'oh yeah i have a partner :)))' 'this person loves m:)))' 'this is someone who will always be in your corner and values you and is attracted to you :)))' so theres that and THEN theres like 'good father figure? Hardly know her.' Like i genuinely dont know a single (cis)man in my life that i dont despise to some degree. Not to be like terfy and misandristic. What if my brain just makes me sunconsciously think im not attracted to people as a trauma response???

And so like everytime i start talking to someone with romantic intentions i feel like a shitty person because theres a chance i cant reciprocate that and i am VERY MUCH for qpr's and i understand that aromantic people can be in very healthy romantic relationships but i feel like those things just arent for me. So i feel like im leading this man on and its not as simple as 'oh yeah just communicate with him' like im not out yet to basically anyone irl. What if he tells someone??? 'Max you shouldnt be with someone you dont trust' but its just the talking stage i think thats the stage where your trying to figure out if you trust them or not??? Like i was in school with this guy for 13 years but we were acquaintances at best. And hes always been kind and he seems progressive enough but posting pro choice stuff on facebook is different than being a decent person.

Then theres also the whole 'i dont even know if i like him platonically thing, let alone enough for a relationship. Hes sweet, like i said' and has interests which seems to be rare for a man but im not clicking with him at all. I cant tell if i find him attractive i cant tell if i like his personality i dont know anything about him but his first and last name tho.

I dont even know if im ready for a relationship. Like im still a christian despite all the issues i have with church. So i dont know if i should still try to find someone with the same faith as me but my denomination is extremely conservative so doing that i risk getting with a man who tries to tell me what to do with my body and doesnt believe i (as a queer woman) should exist. But if i date outside my church thats going to be somethinf i will always feel shitty about.

Having contradicting identities is hard because half of me is like 'i need to stop entertaining the fact that im queer and just ignore it.' And the other half is like 'fuck the christians, i want to be happy with my own life and not have this omniscent entity tell me what to do'

[just-gay-thingz]

So I decided to write a text about homophobia at midnight and i decided to publish it here. Feel free to add your own thoughts in the notes or reblog it :) 

also im in no way homophobic. im gay myself and those are jsut the way i think about this topic.

I’m sorry for eventual grammar mistakes or spelling errors. English isnt my first language

Homophobia

There are a lot of people out there who are homophobic. Their reasons are it’s not normal or not natural, the bible says its wrong or just because they don’t like it when people don’t condone to the heteronormativity of society.

 Let’s start of with the argument, that homosexuality is not normal or natural. Homosexuality is common in in over 1.500 species and homosexual animals are very important in their communities. For example, if a straight couple isn’t able to take care of their child anymore because let’s say they died. No other straight couple will be able to take care of that child because they are to busy caring for their own children. This is where the gay animals come in. As it is not possible for them to get their own children, they are able to take in the orphaned child and take care of it. When it comes to homophobia though, it only exists in one species. In the Homosapiens. Humans have been oppressing homosexual people for hundreds of years. In most countries “conversion therapy” is still legal. “Conversion therapy” is when you send homosexual people, mostly teens who were sent by their parents, to camps where people, so called “therapists” even though they are many things but a therapist, torture them into being straight. Some methods for that are: making them watch straight porn, hit them/make them feel pain while they have to watch gay porn, so that they will associate that kind of porn with the trauma in the future. Another method is to give them medicine that makes them feel aroused (e.g. Viagra) and force them into having sex with someone from the opposite gender. They also try to pray away the gay, which I think gets explained by itself.

You often hear homophobic people say, “the bible says Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve” or “the bible says homosexuality is wrong” or “Homosexuality is a sin and you will go to hell for it.”. But I don’t think those people always act as it is written in the bible, because if you can’t just take one part of the bible and ignore the rest. As Jesus said: “the one without sin throw the first stone”. I don’t think those people even commit to the ten commandments. They probably already used “Jesus fu****g Christ” or “Jesus no” or other slurs including the name of God, when the second commandment is “you should not miss use the name of God”. Another example would be “You should keep the day of God holy” but I’m pretty sure not all of those Christians who use the bible as an excuse for homophobia go to church every Sunday or do nothing all Sunday long. “You should honor your mother and father” is another one of the commandments but I don’t think none of those people spent their whole live without ever speaking ill of their parents. The sixth commandment says “You should not break your marriage” but still 50% of the marriages end in divorce. Only about 77% of the world population are not Christian and obviously not all of them are married but it’s still unlikely that all those divorces are all from non-Christian people. “You shall not lie” or “You shall not steal” are commandments too and I don’t think there is a person out there who has never lied or stole something even if it was just a pen from a classmate or something like that. “You shall not desire someone else’s wife” but people still cheat and just because you are Christian doesn’t automatically make you a faithful person. “You shall not desire someone else’s stuff” but people still are jealous of others for having a better phone/car/house/etc. You have to remember those statements are only the ten commandments but if you say homosexuality is wrong because it is written in the bible. Then this means you support everything in the bible. This means you support that Babies are getting killed and women are getting raped. "See, the day of the Lord is coming — a cruel day, with wrath and fierce anger. . . . I will put an end to the arrogance of the haughty. . . . Their infants will be dashed to pieces before their eyes; their houses will be looted and their wives violated." (Isaiah 13:9–16 NIV). This means you think it’s okay, that daughters are burned as an acceptable sacrifice for God, "And Jephthah made a vow to the Lord: 'If you give the Ammonites into my hands, whatever comes out of the door of my house to meet me when I return in triumph from the Ammonites will be the Lord's, and I will sacrifice it as a burnt offering.' . . . When Jephthah returned to his home in Mizpah, who should come out to meet him but his daughter, dancing to the sound of timbrels! . . . After the two months, she returned to her father, and he did to her as he had vowed." (Judges 11:30–39 NIV). This means you share everything you have with the people who don’t have that much, Anyone who has two shirts should share with the one who has none, and anyone who has food should do the same. Luke 3:11 NIV. As you can see Christians often just pick the verses of the bible if they help them back up an inappropriate or offensive argument.

Good responses to homophobic sayings by Christians:

“Its Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve”-“It’s Homosapiens not Heterosapiens”

For the Bisexuals: If they tell you to just pick a side, tell them, Its Adam AND Eve not Adam OR Eve

“You will turn my children gay”-“No, I don’t think so. I Mean your Heterosexuality didn’t make me straight either”

Feel free to add your own statement in the comments.

 So I think that was enough with the Christians. Let’s get to Heteronormativity!

We all grow up thinking we are straight because society tells us there isn’t something else. That’s because of the almost nonexistent representation of LGBTQ+ people in the media and because it’s “normal” for a man and a woman to be together. It’s “normal” for a child to have a mum or dad. But if you don’t stick to these stereotypes, people will see you as a rebel and we always get told rebels aren’t good people and that we should always listen to our parents. But sometimes rebels are just what we need. Sometimes we just need to see that it’s okay to be different. That it’s okay for a boy to dress feminine. That it’s okay for someone to not want have sex. That it’s okay for someone to not feel comfortable with their Cis gender. That it’s okay for girls to like girls or for boys to like boys. And nobody should be able to tell you otherwise

  hope you enjoyed reading this and im sorry if it was shit, these are just my late night thoughts

[exmormonaffirmations]

Dear LGBT+ Mormons (especially youth),

I was in your position not too long ago. I know it’s hard and confusing and may seem the whole world is against you, but I promise it is and will be okay. You are taught families can be together forever, as long as they follow the exact rules and teachings of the church. You are taught that marriage is only between a man and a woman. You are taught that if you experience, how they put it, “same sex attraction” you can either remain celibate or get married to someone you will never be attracted to. You are taught to pray these feelings away and seek counsel. You are taught not to transition. Even simple things like coffee and tea or how you dress are restricted. Every aspect of your life is controlled.

I am here to tell you that that is bullshit. You are not eternally damned. You are not going to hell. You are not restricted to love who they tell you to. Mormonism is not the only way. You are not destined to an eternity of sadness. You are able to get away from the church and be yourself. You are totally valid. Your sexuality and your gender identity are so valid.  

I remember when the Supreme Court legalized gay marriage for the whole country. I was ecstatic, a step in the right direction and toward acceptance. Come that Sunday I was sat in church with the youth for a “special meeting about the recent decision”. The bishop sat up there and read a statement from the First Presidency saying that God’s word never changes. They did not support gay marriage before and they still do not now. “Same sex attraction” is a disease and they can help you get better. My first thoughts were rebellion and that it was bullshit but then I felt a pit of shame. What would my mom or church leaders think if they found out my sexuality or gender identity?

After this, I fell into a pit of shame for who I was. I spent countless hours trying to pray the gay away, quite literally. Days and days of hating who I was, begging God to change me. If I followed what they said, surely he would change me. About a year later, I met a girl. She was wonderful and we became best friend’s fast. She was the only person at church that I could talk to about anything. We were both very depressed and in general hating ourselves. Through our friendship we learned and grew from each other. I started to have a crush on her as I started to accept myself more. Eventually, she told me she thought she was bisexual and then later that she liked me. We spend months kissing behind the church and holding hands in church (which a leader later told us that she knew it “wasn’t a lesbian thing” but we had to stop because it made some of the girls uncomfortable.) The shame slowly went away and we both found ourselves, we broke up because she was moving across the country and we both found ourselves not believing in the church anymore.

Through this whole two years it was a whirlwind of shame then acceptance. I share this story to let you know this: you can’t pray away who you are. You can’t change who you are. You shouldn’t change who you are. You can’t achieve happiness when you are shaming yourself and in an environment of people who shame you or don’t accept you. Accepting myself and leaving the church has been the best decision I ever made for my own happiness and self love. I have learned to love myself through accepting myself, surrounding myself with people who love and accept me for me, not excepting myself to change, and believing what I believe in and not what my parents expect me to believe in.

You are valid. You are you and you can’t change that no matter how hard you try. Embrace your flaws, quirks, sexuality, gender, everything about you. We can improve ourselves as people, but we should not have to nullify or turn down who we are to suit other people.

Some of the things that make me the happiest or that I simply enjoy are “bad” or “sinful” according to the church:

- drinking coffee

-kissing girls

-being trans af

-being bisexual af

-believing in a different belief system than the church

-tarot cards

-premarital sex (oh no!! they think im going to hell!!!)

-dressing how I want

-supporting my friends decisions that don’t align with the church

-having friends outside the church

-loving myself for me

There’s so many more things I can’t think of, but feel great. If you read this and don’t get anything from it, please take this: don’t try to change yourself for the church it won’t make you happy. If you believe in God or any other deities great! You are accepted. A great page to check our for queer Christians is @queerchristianaffirmations ! You are loved and there are people that love you. Keep being you and loving who you wanna love. You can always create more love. It’s what makes this world a good place.

Love,

A salty LGBT exmo.

[bun5076]

I really really hate it here....

been here for maybe a month now and im very much at my wits end. May end up actually being kicked out over something as trivial as a gay comic book.

My aunt kept asking who introduced me to that kind of stuff, it was literally a book about two guys falling in love and they kissed like once in the whole 200+ pages, and i couldn't tell her it was my older the sister.

the sister who reads yaoi (like hardcore yaoi) as if it's the morning newspaper. on one of my other blogs i had said it was intresting to live with a person who was a firm believer that god was almighty and gays were an abomination...

yeah i take that shit back.

It was just over a stupid book that i had forgetton to return at school, now based on our conversation, more like arguement, she's either gonna ban me from books or writing, kick me out, or send me to conversion therapy.

But it's fine. it will all be fine. I have maybe a year or so left before i can move out and i will be happy and free and be able to do what i want (within legal limits) and she or my mom can't tell me no.

they won't be able to dictate who i like or wh i want to get married to boy or girl. They'll have to shove it up thier homophobic asses. I'm just tired. I go to the same stupid church almost every day. We pray for hours, and i have to listen to the stupid preaching.

Like from what i have learned god asks for you to respect one and another yet she disrespecting me with every breath she takes. I try to behave i tell myself you are going to say something rude, shut up.

But when i don't talk they all think im a devil spawn and i;m being distant and rude and ungratedul.

When i do talk, im the bad child, the black sheep, the one who always wants to do bad things.

Can someone explain to me how wanting to love a person openly like regular straight people is so bad??

She was acting like i was reading straight porn in her christian house hold. She won't even let me get a job so i can save to be on my own. That has always been the endgame for me to leave. I hate it here. I hate it here.

Then she'll get mad that all i do is sit around and watch tv shows or write fan fiction!

Hmmm idk maybe you took away any other form i have to communicate with the outside world, or maybe you took me away from all my friends forbiding me to talk to them. Shoved me into some red0necked ass school literallly in the middle of the year and is suprised when i can't make any friends.

I just wanted to be left alone. They should just leave me alone. Even the fucking school is out for break so i can't even escape with that!

god i hate it here. Tumblr is the only place i can escape to. The only place i was able to use after cheating the restrictions. and soon i feel like that will be taken away too soon enough. i hate it here.

if i can't write or read orwork or see my friends what am i really doing here? reading was my escape and she's going to take that from me. Writing is my escpae and i can practically hear her plotting to take it from me.

i can't work yet, she'll complain about money problems. That i run the water bill to high, or i should be pickier when getting grociers. I hate it here.

Just a year...

just one more year left....

then i'll be free...

I'll figure things out because i;m awesome. Even if it means i have to run away again. i'll be free

[i-am-very-very-tired]

How I got rid of HOCD Submitted by admin on Sun, 01/04/2015 - 13:39 Printer-friendly version AspenDisclaimer: Sorry for the long post but its well worth it if you truly want to help your HOCD! If you're reading this you are either suffering or know about HOCD or any type of OCD in general. If you don't, HODC is like any other form of OCD when your mind is being hammered with invasive thoughts 24/7 about a certain topic. In my case and as it is for people with HODC it is the thought that you are gay/lesbian. First off, of course there is nothing wrong with being gay. Literally every time you see a guy it is a trigger. Your mind tells you "you think that guy is hot, therefore you're gay" or various other things like that. It is hell let me tell you that much. A good example of it is if you've seen Lord of the Rings, the way Smeagle kind of talks to himself like he has an alter ego, it is like that. Your mind tells you that you think that guy is hot, but then you say no I don't why are you saying that? and its just a back and forth battle where the mind always wins. So pretty much I started getting symptoms of it at the end of my Senior year in high school I would think about it all the time every day I had the worst pain in my stomach no lie for 6 months straight! I couldn't be with people I thought were triggers and it ruined the relationship I was currently in. You lose feeling for everything except your thoughts. I remember having conversations with people and realizing I wasn't paying attention to a word they were saying because all I could hear was my mind telling my I thought that person was hot. Countless times I thought of just giving in and saying, "well you're gay just give it up why are you still fighting this?". Enough of my symptoms though I'm sure you know all about that shit if you're reading this anyways. Also I have Tourettes syndrome and coincidentally both Tourettes and OCD are linked in many cases which explained a lot to me. Now after almost a half year of suffering and I mean suffering I finally ended it. I never thought I could do it. I mean during the 6 months I had had times when I thought it was over only for it to come back worse than before. about 5 months into my condition I moved to a different continent for school which put me in a whole new environment but my HODC was still the same. A combination of things I think helped me get over that monster that is HOCD. First: During October of this year I thought I had looked everywhere for help until I started doing a NoFap and also gave up porn. I lasted for 55 days with NoFap, but the porn was what really made the difference not the jerking off. I did my research and the effect on the mind porn has blew me away it does so much harm that you don't realize (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU) . I haven't watched porn for almost 3 months now and am feeling 50000 time better and I think that has a large part. PS the giving up of porn also helps in relieving symptoms of ED and other helps revive your sexual mindset so its a win win on all fronts. Also in my experience I resumed masturbating like I did before just without the porn so in my experience at least the masturbation had no correlation at all with HOCD. Secondly: Work out! I have been lifting 4 times a week for the last 4 months and I think its helped in my recovery. Lifting out really helps your body to get loose and puts your mind in a different state. It helps you take your mind off the HOCD for a little but each day and gives you new goals to focus on I.E. I have a goal of benching 315 and that goal has helped to replace a bit the thoughts I used to be having about OCD. Some people may be motivated more/less than others to get to the gym but it really will help. Even once or twice a week will do. It will not only take your mind of HODC for once, but also it will improve your physical appearance and boost your confidence in the process. Third: This one is dependent on each person but why not try it, that is going to church. You don't even have to go to pray or do shit like that, although it helps, you can only go to enjoy the quite peaceful area. It is a great place to relax your mind and get closer to yourself or God if you're into that. Four: This is an incredibly important thing to do. When you start getting intrusive thoughts just tell yourself, "This is only your mind making these things up there is no reason to take them seriously, you know you're straight and thats all that matters." It may not make a difference at first but as you start to brush off the thoughts and let them come and go you'll feel better trust me. When you start arguing with your mind and giving too much attention to your thoughts thats when you have problems. Your OCD wants you to notice the thoughts and if you don't you're taking away all of its power. Lastly: This is the most important to me and I feel like it did the most. Take Cold Shower! This is a must and has been the most responsible thing for my recovery. There are so many sources out there that praise the benefits of cold showers. I'm telling you know they work its absurd. Read this for basic info (http://www.thehackedmind.com/7-reasons-to-take-cold-showers-and-1-that-r...) or this (http://wakeup-world.com/2012/04/11/ten-health-benefits-of-cold-showers/). They have changed my life. Just hop in every morning into the shower and turn the knob all the way down low. It is so hard at first but once you get used to it its nothing now the coldest of cold doesn't faze me after 4 months of only cold water. I don't know what it did but it did something to my mind because my HOCD started to get less and less as I started making them a part of my daily routine. Well this is a super long post so sorry. Every case of HODC or OCD in general is unique so I can't say with 100% certainty that these things will 100% work for everyone but at the very least they can give you hope and confidence that you can conquer your OCD. I had no hope at one point and now I feel literally so much better so give it a try. Also at this point you should be willing to try anything so why not? Peace out doe and I wish everyone who is suffering with HOCD or OCD in general the best of luck it may seem never ending but you can get rid of it Im telling you all you need to do it try and have faith in yourself. Remember that its your mind and your life, don't let OCD control it. LINK - How I got rid of HODC by mamaliga87 https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/how-i-got-rid-hocd