#i cant even watch something with my parents if it says fuck too many times

[jackass-jones]

Not the biggest sample size but damn this is baffling to me lol. Good god I’ve been sheltered in a weird way

I’m running a test here to see just how strange my life is so

If you want an example of a mature movie, im thinking like American Psycho or Saw or something. There isn’t crazy swearing or nudity but it does happen because they’re R rated movies

[demvalhaken]

I will eat your house

HOLY SHIT I HAVENT POSTED IN LIKE 4 DAYS, SORYY GUYS IVE BEEN FOCUSED ON SCHOOL, I HAVE TO GET A VIOLIN PLAYING VIDEO IN BY FRIDAY AND I CANT EVEN PLAY THAT WELL DUDES!!! PRAY FOR ME GUYS, I CANT EVEN GET MY HOMEWORK DONE, I NEED TO STOP PROCRASTINATING!!!

Anyways Queen Bloodlust is a very large black widow cus her immortality causes her to never stop aging/growing… She used to be Divine’s height

Oh yeah if you didn’t read the older post about Bloodlust which is also buried in the termite post. Divine (Guy at the bottom right) is her great-great-great-fucking too many great grandson, he’s king of the spiders, they do not care if its a king or a queen, they are desperate

I’m like the hugest nerd ever, I watched an in depth video about cannibalism and then I proceeded to eat all of that information so I can babble to my friends that don’t even listen to me… I wish I could talk to people rather than somehow ruining my relationship with everyone, it’s giving Never Love an Anchor by The Crane Wives. There’s also like 100 Tyler, The Creator songs in my playlist, there’s a 50% chance after every song that it’s Tyler. It’s crazy how good I am at being lonely, like bro, why can’t I keep friends with me without doing something wrong… at least my teachers are nice to me :D

Wtf am I on, please don’t give me coffee, It brings the locked up depression out of my brain. I actually don’t think the depression left from Covid… I think it’s just been dormant… GUYS THIS MIGHT BE A HUNCH BUT I THINK IM NOT OKAY!!! Sorry if I go off track in literally every single post, my brain wanders too much. MY HANDS ARE SO FUCKING DRY, THEY BURN, THEY HURT, AND THEY ARE BLEEDING :( I’m still gonna wash my hands 40 times a day, no one can stop me

STOP YAPPING BRO THATS TWO PARAGRAPHS GET TO THE LORE

Queen Bloodlust misses her home because after a battle/war, they had to move, this was during the reign of Bloodlust’s mother, her mom died in the fight… poor Bloodlust, forced to live eternally and watch everyone around her perish slowly

All lore previously stated is subject to change as I’m always rethinking lore but it does stay fairly consistent and rarely changed unless its boring and bothering me

Okay love you guys, sorry for yapping, also be a menace to society, just don’t eat uranium

Edit:

Hehe reference, this was during the drawing, I got bored

Edit 2: Why are my parents always mad at me for washing myself constantly, like bitch what? You can’t just say “stop” and expect that one word to work, I’m just trying to keep some goddamn cleanliness! It’s like they want me to be covered in grime, dirt, spilled drinks, and grossness! Then they get to be homophobic and racist without any consequences when that’s literally worse than being clean 24/7 and tired. At least I actually like black people, we literally all have the same insides, stfu parents… ALSO THEY SAY THAT OFFENSIVE WORD, LIKE BRO WE ARE VAMPIRES YOU CANT BE SAYING THAT

[caitlynsmissingeye]

HIII MOOTIE PATOOTIE IM TOO SCARED TO SEND ANYTHING OTHER THAN AN ANON ASK SO I HOPE I DONT GIVE MYSELF AWAY WITH THIS!!

what about early love or host era of schlatt and like being best friends,,,

i picture like late discord calls talking about whatever, not trying to wake up either of your parents (since that guy preserved his energy into smashing keyboards)

something cutesie like the subtle realization of feelings between you two, maybe having to be in a call with other people DIRECTLY calling out the behavior you considered to be ‘friendly’ and normal — yet schlatt seemed to be rude to everyone but you???

this is all over the place but ive been thinking about that scenario for too long

WHAT IF I KISS YOU??? OH MY GOD?????? SMOOCHING YOU???? Let me cook… I don’t know MUCH abt LOH era Schlatt……. But I will TRY

You

Schlatt

Use of Jay for Schlatt, flamingo is ur best friend (I love flamgo….), AFAB!Reader

You were laying in bed giggling into your pillow in the hopes of not waking your parents up.

“Dude, you’re so dumb-“ You giggled as Schlatt smirked, raising his hands above his head as if he were claiming the throne of an ancient kingdom.

“What can I say? I’m just a ladies man.” He hummed taking a sip of whatever drink he had that had most likely been sitting out for a period of a few days.

“I don’t think your mom counts, Jay.” You hummed propping yourself up on a pillow and staring at the man through the screen

He sighed and rolled his eyes, “Like you’ve got better game than me?” He snapped, leaning back in his chair and looking annoyed.

“Oh please, we both know I do. How many failed talking stages have you had? Oooh. That’s right!” You hummed as you stretched and yawned.

“Go to bed, it’s like three am.” He grumbled taking a sip of his drink. You nodded softly, resting your head on your pillow and slowly drifting off to sleep. He stayed on that call, watching you which he admittedly thought was a bit creepy, but he was just making sure you were okay. Right? I mean you are his best friend, there’s nothing weird about that. Nothing weird about how he finds himself hanging on your every word, about how he feels so proud of himself when he makes you laugh, about how he finds himself admiring everything you do. Nothing weird about that. Right?

——————————————————————————

A few days later you, your best friend Albert, and Schlatt were all on a call chatting and playing Roblox.

“DUDE JUST DO THE FUCKING JUMP!” Albert shouted at you slamming his mouse down.

“HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THE JUMP IF JAY WONT MOVE HIS FAT ASS OUT OF THE WAY?” You yelled back burying your face in your hands.

“WELL I CANT MOVE!! IM GONNA DIE!” Schlatt whined turning his bacon haired character to face your dolled and dressed up one.

Albert let out a groan, “BE A GENTLEMAN AND DIE FOR YOUR GIRLFRIEND” He screamed at Schlatt.

“GIRLFRIEND?!” You and Schlatt both shouted in unison. Your jaw was dropped, how could he even think that? You guys aren’t a couple. That’s such a dumb thing to think, I mean it isn’t like Schlatt orders you food all the time and buys you things. That’s just what best friends do, right? Best friends spend hours on calls and hours playing games together, sometimes even being online for 24 hour periods. Best friends flirt right?

——————————————————————————

[ravenkinnie]

Youre right about jinx and silco being emotionally incestuous and u should say it louder. I hated jilco fics sm when i was fresh to arcane because it's not fun to run into a gross what-if for my own childhood. But it's real. even if jinx and silco would rather eat lead than fuck each other, they're still incesty; I wouldnt have wanted to have sex w my parent, but we were close in a way we should not have been. It's just a fact of parent+child codependency that your relationship gets weirdly, almost romantically enmeshed. being codependent & a teenager at the same time genuinely screws up ur head. Thats why therapy exists

Anyway, fandom hates to hear it, but yea, it's incesty. There is nothing less comfortable than watching jinx and silco touch each other. discomfort is its own sort of thrill, yk? that toxicity draws ppl in, but they dont want to label it bc incest is actually really bad & u cant shrug off 'my faves are incestuous' like u can 'my faves murder on the daily'

here is my only take on darkfic or proship or whatever discourse people wanna call it: yes, the majority of those tags are not lolita, they are just bad porn. truth is, the mythical ao3 fic that's so good it should be published is just very rare because if you could write lolita or beloved, you wouldn't be on ao3 you would be winning Nike awards. majority of ao3 tags are just bad porn in general because that's very easy to write and most of humanity are just not good writers, that's statistics. as someone who checks both noncon and rape recovery tags, I can tell you they are both very bad and can perpetuate horrible stereotypes and ideas in their own ways because they are written by people and people don't have themselves as examined as we like to imagine. I have an extreme issue with people acting like only these highest tier level books or fics or whatever are allowed to touch on those topics because it goes unacknowledged that this IS the highest tier level in both quality and literacy. majority of people are not reading beloved because an average reading level is very low and those people are more likely to interact with things we dont consider well written and produce things that are not very good. but things happen to people who aren't that educated too and those people interact with the world around them too and they are also adults. I never once want to come off like I expect people to present trauma credentials at the door to be allowed to be interested in or produce different content and that means I'm accepting that refusing this survivors vs freaks discourse dichotomy means here be freaks and I'm okay with that. rape existed before we had language and it will exist long after elon musk puts microchips in our heads that make us communicate in binary code only - and then of course those things we make influence us further too, reality is just a snake eating its tail like this

sorry this was a tangent because I always fear when I start these topics online people will pull me into their discourse so I want to say I rdject the discourse the way it exists from the start shsjjs and I say this all as someone who does have triggers and who does check sexual assault warnings for movies and such, ao3 is honestly where i will always pledge my allegiance as a fic site just because of the tag system making it so easy to control content you see

I think the fact that I always feel like I should make those disclaimers is why it's so hard to have these conversations in fandom or just social spaces, because people don't actually want to talk, they want you to establish that you are the right moral agent to align with. I was gonna say this feels like a very western culture thing but I think you see it across so many cultures actually, that discomfort becomes inherent harm and breaking social parameters is considered violence so if you bring up something that is uncomfortable, that is complicated, you're the problem because you said it. there are parts of this fandom that don't even want to acknowledge that silco is not a very good person and he's an emotionally abusive parent because if piltover are the bad guys then we obviously have good guys in zaun but people, and by extension fictional people, are more complex than that. on smaller scale you see it in families often, this type of playing pretend and not talking about things and then if you're the one who talks they will say it's you who is toxic because you ruined the vibes, you should just shut up and accept it like everybody else does

but the thing is that a culture of silence has never once benefitted victims, and refusing to accept that depictions of abuse and the conversations around them exist in different ways and shades is exactly that, it's a culture of silence that refuses to accept that the world is so complicated and so the violence in it is so complicated. and families can get SO complex, when you grow up into an independent - emotionally, sexually, physically, whatever - human being around people who are fucking insane and they are so wrapped up in your core development across everything, things get messy

also I wanna say. people who say it's not uncommon for grown women to sit in their dads lap live lives I can't imagine - IM NOT saying that physical affection in your family as an adult isn't normal, it's very healthy actually, I just forget there are people who have like. good fathers out there, I don't even like when my dad stands too close to me like what is he planning...... why am I in the attack range.......

[kenztheweirdmf]

If youre looking for a challenge, try writing something that will make me actually like Steve (you know who I am)

Good luck ♡

Hey yall i know i said i was free and oooh send me asks but god had other plans cus why the fuck was my laptop start freezing when i was about to write the asks i got and got writers block 🧍‍♂️ anyways ima stop yappin now enjoy i hope you enjoy anon even tho i know you lmao

oooh Im just imagining Steve like outside of Tonys lab remembering the times where the team hasnt separated yet and him remembering the moments where they bicker and argue like a married couple like what Nat says all the time and that brings a pained smile to Steves faces but that doesnt last long cus of yknow him lying to Tony about his Parents death, him and Bucky fighting Tony without choice cus Tony wanted Bucky dead and the worst of all him Smashing his shield into Tony arc reactor which at the same was his literal heart and i know Steve is feeling so many emotions like guilt, regret, and anger. But he always tells himself that he had to smash his shield into Tonys arc reactor cause he will not stop until Bucky was dead so he had to do it right? Steve getting a headache from that so he decided to leave but was stoppped cus he heard a sniffing noise inside Tony labs so he investigated and found Peter AKA Spider-man on the floor hugging one of Tony iron man helmets and when Steve says Peters name he lets out a surprise yelp before looking up to see Steve and when Steve asked if hes alright and when Peter tried to form a lie Steve just gives him a frown and that made Peter stop and just looks down not even trying to lie infront of Steve

and when Steve asked if he can sit next to him Peter says he can Steve asked Peter if he wants to talk about it and Peter replies saying he doesnt want to be a bother and Steve of course assures him he is not being a bother so Peter tells Steve how much he missed Tony and how he cant sleep without having nightmares where Tony died when he used the gauntlet and is now even thinking he will die from the coma and Peter starts crying again and before Peter can react Steve just brings him into a big warm hug and Steve whisper assurance to Peter saying Tony will not die and Peter asks how does he know and Steve says he doesnt but he does know Tony is too stubborn to die and that made Peter let out a wet chuckle minutes passed when they finally stopped hugging and theyre were just in a comfortable silence when Peter breaks it by asking Steve why he was visiting Tonys lab and when Steve lied saying he heard Peters sniffs and wanted to investigated it. Peter replying he can tell Steve is lying and Steve lets out a defeated sigh and tells Peter everything from Bucky, The Accords, Tonys Parents and Siberia and the guilt the comes with it. and the only thing Steve wants is just to apologize to Tony for everything. Peter says hes not the only one who feels guilty and Steve looks at him with confusion as Peter continues that even though Tony cant admit he knows he was wrong on some things but his stubbornness makes it difficult, he also felt guilty on trying to kill Bucky back in siberia and it took some time to realize that both of them were victims of hydra and Tony was so blinded by rage to realize it, he also mentioned the times he caught Tony watching old Captain America films and Peter even knew Tony missed Steve Peter thought for a seconds and said that theyre both idiots for not talking like adults and Steve chuckled at that and agrees with him on that but Peter says even though they cant change the past they can learn from it so they dont make the same mistakes and Steve smiled and so did Peter cus they know things will get better

[ayupimqueen]

My sleepy rant about my fallout ocs i did instead of studying

Warning this is long af but I’m an idiot who likes uploading random stuff nobody reads

Time for a small rant about my ocs their stories and my love for the fallout universe everyone, I cant keep the thoughts on my head so yeah sorry

I think the reason I’ve started to grow so fond of fallout lately is because I find a lot more hope in it than in my life now.

I mean Fallout 3 is a really personal game to me because of some family issues that happened (and are still going on) when I first played the game (we’ll come back to this in a bit).

And now watching the world fcking rot before my eyes and not being able to do anything because despite what people think the reality is that a single person can’t change the world unless the people with money say so

And now when I play this games I just like to feel that maybe I still have a future despite what happens, because now I feel that it’s too late to save the world.

And I see the stories of the characters I created for this world, and how I’ve given each one of them a part of my life.

And then i noticed a pattern of you say.

All of my character (except for one), despite of what happens, have a happy ending related to something I want or that has happened to me:

Lets start with the odd one out: hope who just dies at the end.

Hope is probably my saddest character EVER (she’s suffered even more than my Minecraft oc and I used to think that was impossible) her dad leaves her, she is exiled from the vault, gets hated on by everyone, has the worst luck ever and feels alone always, then thers a bit of a break when she gets a friend but then she finds his dad and everything goes downhill to the point that even tho she has people with her she just feels alone.

I wont go deep on her story because i want to write it.

I’ll just say that from a certain point she knows she is going to d ie somehow, her friends try to stop it but she still dies, and for worse she dies because she wasn’t important to the brotherhood. She gave everything to everyone and people took advantage of her.

Her name is close to my deadname, and I based bits of her story and personality from how I felt at the time when I first played the game and even her looks are based off of me irl but in a “preattier” way that I used to want. So I guess she is a way of showing the shittier part of my life and how it’s kind of the part of me that I want to get rid off.

Then we have the other side of the coin: Reina

They started as an self insert oc that escalated into a bigger character that made me actually develop the other ocs

They are the contrary to Hope, mostly because they are based of my personality, issues and objectives that I have now. Also their looks are closer to both the persona I use online and what I wished I looked irl now. Their name is also just my chosen name but in Spanish and I chose a cool last name lmao. And she is from center Mexico because fuck yeah it’s my country lmao

Reina also has many issues, as their backstory is the exaggerated version of my mommy issues, but instead of a regular mom- genderless offspring thing i go trough Its a Evil selfish ahole rich mom vs rebel “daughter” who is neglected and abused. But the thing I like to focus on while thinking of their story, and the thing that is closer to my actual life, is her search for love.

They were raised by neglecting parents that litterary saw them as a “economic opportunity”, marring them to a narcissistic guy and shattering al their dreams.

Then they forget all of that thanks to the power of the script and amnesia trope and they get to meet Hancock, who ends up loving them and have character growth and all that jazz. (I’m writing the fic I swear I just don’t get to concentrate)

In the end Reina gets to be happy, as they represent the me I am today, while Hope dies as she is one of my most horrible moments. Both being an exaggerated version of what I lived because I’m a sucker for angst and hurt/confort stories.

Then is the sexy af middle ground i call Rose Garza.

She is a bit of a miscellaneous character, i made her from the north of Mexico because I lived there as a child and her design was just me creating a character based on some of the things I consider attractive and her personality is like the silly part of me.

The sad part of her strory isn’t based of something that happened to me or similar but something that works more for her character.

The one issue I gave her based on me is that she wants to have friends but she is either abandoned forgotten or legged out.

She also has the thing of finding a loved one but in a different people only like her for her looks way, but that doesn’t happen to me so yeah.

She is the silly one of the group I guess.

I can’t rant on Venus and Mars yet because I haven’t finished the first two games and I don’t even have the final name for my fallout 74 oc( they are totally hailing mothman tho lmao)

So yeah that my rant, im sleep deprived so sorry you all have to deal withe the parasites in my head lmao

[castingcomets]

Hey so I'm a 22 year old female and I lived my whole life not knowing thag you can only get pregnant during this ~5 day window around ovulation. I had to find out in anatomy class last night. I heard that the ovulated egg is only viable for 24 hours and thag sperm are only viable for 2-3 days and I said Hey wait a minute. I had to raise my hand and ask

I mean I HAD MY STRONG SUSPICIONS from things like, pop culture info, why people track their cycles (but I didnt REALLY know why they did it I thought it was sort of .... a superfluous behavior? But the existence of the practice cued me in that there was something), the existence of the menstrual cycle and I heard once thag it was to maintain some autonomy for the "host" since pregnancy is very intense and invasive in humans, the fact that humans are very sexual animals but theres no way they can just be getting pregnant all the time ... I seriously have been pondering seriously for a while because I was genuinely confused, "how do bonobos not get pregnant all of the time...? Hm. Their systems must be very different from ours."

BUT I ALSO HEARD COUNTER INFO. Which may not have been info at all. I heard vaguely that sperm can live a while and that you can still get pregnant even if on your period!!! So watch out, dont have unprotected sex ever !! Even then there is a risk !!!

I think i was ready to accept that irresponsible fear-mongering because the concept scares me and makes me feel foggy so I just believed that there were forces beyond my understanding. I was more than willing to believe that it was too complicated for me to piece apart and together again.

I really really really have just been WALKING AROUND THE WORLD believing that if even a LITTLE bit if sperm gets in you then you're as good as FUCKED ! ! ! And I knew that fertilization is a complicated procedure and that pregnancies dont always take / are sometimes not viable, so there is a chance you wouldn't be fucked. BUT IT'S SOOO RISKY ! !!

There is something wrong with me that makes me allergic to looking things up. It's part of my shut down lifestyle & mindset i think. In retrospect I never looked any of this up because 1. I felt it may be too hard to understand (not that I cant learn things, but I've struggled with meiosis and other reproductive details before so I was put off ...) and 2. IT WOULD ICK ME OUT. I'm not having sex rn so I'll just LOOK IT UP LATER....

BUT GIRL ... Listen .. I've always been afraid of sex and the details of the female reproductive system and pregnancy and it makes me go foggy. And right now I still feel that light-breathed fogginess. BUT I KNOW THAT THIS IS GOOD NEWS. This is great news. I always YEARNED for a sense of control around sex and reproduction. I thought that as a human and worse as a female that I would never have it. When I was younger I filled SO MANY diaries with hopeless morbid miserable and misanthropic entries. I feel that I have a much better grasp on all that in my later years, but especially lately bc of the reproductive system unit in school, I've been feeling those shadows return ..! Their roots having never been properly felt, healed, vanquished..... !!

I dont feel good right now but I know that this is GREAT NEWS because if you can only conceive around ~5 days a month then that gives you some leeway and CONTROL. Theres still some grief to it because I know that during ovulation is when sex would feel the best but it's better than nothing... I mean ideally we would all be happy healthy and free and every woman would have 2-3 kids over her lifetime as she wishes because that's nature. But the modern world is A.) overpopulated and B.) I think hostile toward children and child-rearing. To be a parent takes an enduring drain of resources that nature never would have intended.

Well anyway. Just woke up early on my day off to say this because it's sitting in my head. I know that this is good news. It confused me in class because, if thags true, why do people have accidental pregnancies ... ? Well the answer must be ignorance, mis-assessment, irregular cycles, failed birth control, and throwing caution to the wind for the sake of love. Ultimately you can condense it into Ignorance & Miracles (love is in the miracle category btw because it's beautiful.)

That's my post . I could have known this sooner if I ever dug into it. But I never trusted that what I found would be good so I never wanted to ruin my day with it . Peace out

[bobasnonbeliever]

only posting this here because i dont think anyone will see it. i need to get this out

im so fucking tired of my life. im tired of caring, like, in general. as stupid as it sounds, i was watching kitchen nightmares, and gordon said something about a chef or an owner, i dont remember exactly, he said; "losing hope is a scary thing to do, when theres just no more light at the end of the tunnel, it takes you down dark paths." or something like that. and ive been suicidal/depressed since i was 9, but i thought to myself "im not hopeless, am i?". the more i thought about it, the worse i felt because, god no, im not hopeless. im helpless, or maybe i wallow too much in my own self pity. i dont know the difference. every goddamn day feels like another waking nightmare, im sick of living with my mom, im sick of her not letting me get a job. i dont want my name on the damn electric bill because shes over $1,000 in debt to the power company anymore. shes already ruining my credit, and i dont even have a damn job! not to mention her fucking kid, her 5yo fucking kid, im taking care of. the product of the man who beat me over and over again, threatened to kill me, and then he took a greyhound bus out of our lives. why didnt she protect me? he never once hit her, or anyone else, why didnt mom help me? i was only 13 when he first pulled me by my hair and slammed me into the stairs because i let moms ice cream tub melt on the kitchen table for half an hour. it took him till my brother was 3 to leave. she valued him over me, and even now. im always taking care of my brother, even when he screams at me, cusses at me, throws things at me, spits on me, hits me, kicks me, claws me, bites me, and more. you get the point. she never even tells him to stop, she doesnt have to scream, or hurt him, or anything. just please, please tell them to stop hurting me. i still take care of him. i take care of him when she takes 20 fucking benadryl and passes out for the full time shes at home between shifts. i sacrificed my education to "help her" take care of him. and she gets mad at me when i parent him, when i tell him off, or even more mad when i have to cry and beg him to stop hurting me. she says "youre 22 years old, get a grip" when im covered in bruises from the 5 year old "hes five!" she will scream when i tell her he hurts me. "he is five, hes supposed to listen to you" i said once, and she just stared at me. im always fucking things up, she never fails to let me know, when she looks at me like that i know its my fault. i cant even begin on my relationship, i shouldnt, he might see this. i just want to give up, im so tired of caring, i want to let it all go. my dog died, i ruined him too, i couldnt take him to the vet i couldnt help him. hes gone because i failed. my baby, im not saying that in the cringy melinial way, he saved me from suicide. so many times, it was "hell be so confused why im gone..", "hes gonna miss me", "whos gonna take care of him?" but now hes gone and im still here. my baby, is gone and im so selfishly still here. why wouldnt she let me get a job? i couldve taken him, i couldve at least got him put down so he didnt have to suffer in his favourite spot on my bed till his kidneys put him down for us. if i didnt know, my boyfriend would kill himself too when he comes home from classes tomorrow, and i was dead, i would take the entire 160 count bottle of benadryl i stole from moms room. i want to see my baby, he never ever missed on helping me, i owe him my life and couldnt even give him that when he passed. but not for lack of trying.

but even so, i dont feel hopeless. maybe only yearning, but it feels enough like hope. when i use my right hand to stroke my left cheek and neck, it almost feels like someone else. i get a glimmer of a thought, "one day, i wont have to beg to be taken care of. someone will do it because they want to.", but still, it hurts worse. i dont know how i can possibly derive so much gut wrenching pain from that little bit of hope, but i do. and still, i cant help myself, i cant blame anyone else. i can only hope someone will come save me. if i could handle this all on my own, i wouldnt be here typing this.

i want to decompose.

writing this after that monster of a textblock in the tags, but if you were wondering. im not exaggerating about the mess, and i wouldnt normally judge. because i have had worse bedrooms, mental illness is a bitch. but its in the common area, and she absolutely does make the 5yo live in it. she moved out to the living room after their room was too trashed for her to even walk in, so she toated her 50" fucking tv right out there and hasnt moved, accept to go to work, since. everyone pray or cross your fingers or send me some good energy to hope she gets sliced into a million pieces at work instead of accidentally oding on bennies so i can raise my brother with her life insurance money.

[lovebvni]

hey hows u? hope this ask finds u well! so I dont know where I got this feeling or even the urge to question who I am. obviously I have this name that my current parents gave me but it still doesnt sit right for example my grandmpa was adopted, my mum was also adopted along with her brother so whats to say im not adopted and dont remember it? cause if you think in the realm of celebs there is so much shit we dont know about them or even what they get up too

I asked the pendulum these questions and keep getting a yes for the ones that are like am I adopted, got a yes, is xxx my real name, got a no and now im like what the fuck... its like I get these random hunches to ask my pendulm certain questions either about me or something else, oh yeah i also asked if i was born before my actual birth year and it said yes :o

i once asked what my classmates first impressions of me where and i cant remember but it was something along the lines of they thought i was weird? ik our nationalities was never going to get along its just a given atp but now im thinking about it its genuinely bizzare af

then i think im in the completely wrong timeline too. ppl acting shady or weird towards me in ways that havent made no sense.

idk if this ask makes any sense or not but whats ur real thoughts on reality or time travel or whatever u personally call it? im watching a tiktok compilation its actually really interesting called timeline jumping stories and one lady constantly has a vivid memory of having a son in another version of her, and a second lady had a vivid memory of her being 5/10 years old etc etc with her mom in her moms bed.

also my dreams dont make no sense because it always feels like im being chased watched or followed by something or someone. just tonight i had a dream of being on a ferry like ship and i think i was younger kinda by myself in it. i dont use shifting subliminals but i use regular subliminals for current timeline stuff and its just bizzarre to me now... it makes sense to me but i if i say it to anyone else they be like get some help.

i’m sorry i have like no idea what you’re asking me but im going to answer this in the best way i can.

yes, parallel realities can merge and overlap; something that was once true can change because you shifted realities.

i believe your pendulum is right, and you can be born before you originally anticipated.

time travel, reality warping, deja vu, all of it falls under the laws of the universe.

there are so many different timelines, and everything can change in an instant.

time travel is real. reality warping is a form of reality shifting. that’s it !!

i hope i answered ur question xx

[sunflowercider]

Possibly worse than "making up a guy to get mad at" is getting stuck in a ever increasing anger loop thinking about how you could have spoken better when it really mattered

i just gotta write this out to exorcise it from my brain this morning. Kinda personal and kinda icky so hiding it

I know my extended family isn't exactly a bastion of progressive politics (thankfully my parents were a little slow on some uptakes but generally pretty good) but the sensitive topics never really came up in the few times a year I would see them (christmas. a wedding or funeral). I live closer to them as an adult now. And I see them more often, like every 3-4 months. Generally family parties.

About two years ago, at one party, the topic of child beach safety came up since it was on the news. Okay, safe enough. I'd realized by that point that my family was definitely one of those "conservatives who think theyre very progressive" types (california conservative?), so I'd learned when to put up my shielding. "Beach safety," sure, yeah yeah, "adults these days not watching their kids anymore blah blah." Not sure thats true, but okay, whatever.

"You know, you gotta be careful, theres homeless people by that beach!"

Oh fuck.

I'm sure it's the same in many cities right now, but homelessness in all of SoCal is pretty high lately. I'd managed to wiggle out of potential conversations about it by flat out ignoring family when they scoffed and pointed out homeless people while driving, or by responding quietly by wondering if the person was doing okay in the sun/heat/cold. "Can you believe there's homeless people here now?" Yeah man, it's rough out there, isn't that hard for them? Use your real words and I'll use mine.

The news report came up again. There were some homeless people, gasp, using drugs. What drugs? Doesnt matter; what matters is what happens next.

"...and they found five of them OD'd on the corner!"

"Well, five less to worry about, thank goodness!"

Cue laugh track.

I am fucking frozen.

This cannot be real.

"How could you say something like that?"

It's the best I got. I am a very poor speaker unless it's a planned lecture, and I certainly had not planned to defend the dignity of five homeless people who had passed away today.

The family backpedals fast.

I cant clearly remember how they backpedaled tbh. I was in shock. Something awfully close to like "they deserve what they do to themselves" or something, and how I was too young (im nearly fucking 30 at this point???) to understand.

And it is at that exact moment I look around at the table and realize that one of my 15 year old cousins is sitting at the corner, arms crossed and curled up, looking directly at me.

Oh, fuck, I cannot let her think she's alone here. And fuck this, that was lightyears too far.

So I try to speak up.

I am very bad at it.

I try to explain homeless people are real people. They just can't get back up after a fall. An aunt has the fucking gall to say they could always ask a friend of family to crash on a couch. I try to explain to her that not every family is as fucking huge as ours, and even then maybe they can't talk to them for some reason. I'm waved off. Someone defends that there are homeless shelters they can go to. I try to explain that theyre often full and sometimes arent safe or accommodating. I get pressed for details and my brain shutters, not well-versed enough in the topic to pull real examples out of my hat.

It's a blur at this point, but I am both outnumbered and way too angry and upset to come up with much. It's a loss, clear and loud.

It's a wonder I didn't leave the party that day. I think I stuck to my cousins for most of it, or my very deaf grandma who literally couldn't hear any part of the conversation.

That party keeps fucking haunting me. As it should - I realized my family has a hard line on who they consider people. It sucks it sucks it sucks. But theyre my family, and damned if I'm going to let the adults have the only say when my cousins, all of which are younger than me, are in the damn room.

[winderlylandchime]

Some of my favorite things he said about/during the podcast: - he came inside and went ‘HE HAS A FUN PERSONALITY! I didn’t expect that for some reason. Why was that? I think we’d be friends. Be honest, do you think he would like me?’ - ‘he is in school to be a therapist?! So no more acting? Wait does he not do tv? What the fuck? *long silence* from 1 to 10 how fucked up would it be to go to him and pretend that my wife and i are having issues..*long silence again* yeah, pretty fucked up. But imagine you go to therapy and the guy who fucked guys on tv is there to help you. Amazing’ - *randy says he never had confidence to do stuff like lil nas x* ‘wait what? He was getting rimmed on live tv at that age and he’s saying he wasnt bold and confident? HOW’ (This is where i did ask him what he meant about that and his reply was ‘i was sure that he and Brian (lol he still doesnt know Gales name), were walking around like the hottest bitches in the city since I’m sure everyone wanted them. So i guess Brian actor was walking around like the hottest bitch by himself..unless if this insecurity cane later then they probably fucked around town together *does fingers guns*’ i cant wait for him to see how gale is irl -(jordan mentions that he had to sneak around to watch the pilot as a kid) ‘and here we are watching it on the big tv and talking to our parents about it. And they say the world hasn’t changed *makes a fist* RAINBOW’ - ‘he has a cat named Latrice! And you made fun of me for Brian *turns to the cat* thats called hypocrisy, Brian’ -randy/jordan says something about blackface episode ‘WHAT? That was a joke, right?…yeah, it was…can they talk more about the show tho, i have many questions. So many. Too many.’ -*Jordan mentions Brian* ‘AHHHHHHH HE SAID HIS NAME’ - ‘real talk. Do you think a person like Brian exists? With the fucking and all that? Is the actor like any of that? But like more normal about some stuff? Cause I was sure Justin dude was like Justin for some reason but apparently i was wrong’ - ‘wait Justin actor dude didn’t like to be recognized by his role of Justin? Well thats..I thought he would be all HELL YEAH!! I fake fuck Brian Kinney! But he had shame? I was sure everyone would be hyped up about them’ - ‘hold the fuck up. He had issues with the sex scenes? *he looks at me all worried* i thought they liked filming it? Maybe cause early 00s sex scene filming was bad? I was sure he was all confident while filming them since…ya know’ -when they talked about religion, he called mom to ask what the priest at our church (we’re not religious, our mom just woke us up one sunday and said we should check it out to see what the big fuss was) said to him bc he only remembered it was funny and the answer was ‘after you asked if you can come to a confessional (he asked as a joke btw) he said that even he doesn’t have enough time for you and would probably stop believing in God by the end of it. Why do you ask? That was not a proud moment as a mom for me, no matter how funny it was’ - *randy mentions he’s shy vs how he used to be outgoing* ‘he’s shy? cause of the show? Huh? I need 20 more podcasts where he talks about it because i just found myself with even more questions’ - ‘HE WAS IN A PLAY CALLED COCK?! HE DOES PLAYS? About cocks? *sits back and crosses his legs* good for him *silence and then* imagine it’s about roosters’ - *randy mentions that he feels like he’s not taken seriously in certain places bc of his education/career* ‘he gets it! Ive had arguments about this! I like this shit! I agree with this shit! I need more of this shit. Give me all of it. Does Brian have a podcast? I wanna hear him talk. Especially about the aftermath of the show. Actually I just wanna hear him talk’ (the Gale crush is for sure alive) The main take away from the podcast was that he wants to listen to it all and he is obsessed with Randy’s personality cause he thought Randy was more reserved and maybe like how he was in S3 with Ethan. He didn’t know how to explain it better but oh well.

I sent my cousin all this while he was listening because, shocker!! The discovery of Randy’s podcast a few months ago made it through some of my family. Now I’m really starting to feel like Regina in the hallway scene in Mean Girls.

YES! Randy has a fun personality!

So your brother is imagining going to Randy for therapy and I’m imagining running into Randy at a continuing education course. Somehow him becoming a therapist makes him much more accessible!

But yeah this is where your brother begins to lose the belief that all the actors loved being on QAF and are endlessly proud of their roles and want to be recognized for them. Not that I think Randy *isn’t* proud at all but he was the youngest and certainly not protected from pushy fans and invasive questions.

I love that your mom just woke up one Sunday and thought “wonder what’s happening with that church thing, let’s go check it out” Also your brother wanting to check out confessional is equivalent to me wanting to take communion when I went to mass with my grandparents (my mom is Jewish so I’m Jewish).

You are sowing the seeds of madness in your family and I can only encourage it…

[queerspaceprince]

super long post

i saw the tv glow spoilers, me being depressing, tw's in tags

i went to see I Saw the TV Glow this afternoon. i got it. def cried a little (idk if hrt has stopped me from crying more bc i havent cried since i was in hs anyway) my sib got it, tho we havent talked ab it yet bc im still processing even now. my mom did not get any of it. at all. wasnt affected. thats fine, whatever.

and. jesus. i give the movie a 15/10, but it was. a whole lot. i have too many emotions.

Im def gonna mention a few spoilers so if you dont want to be spoiled, is your warning.

it made me feel too much. is the allegory really allegory if the hidden meaning is right at the surface?

when owen says that thing during their convo on the bleachers -i cant remember the exact words fuck- something about feeling hollow or missing something or whatever, how he thinks something is wrong with him and his parents do to-i feel that. so much. i felt it so much more before my egg cracked, but i still feel it in relation to my depression and anxiety. that hit me.

there was also that part about feeling like you're watching yourself from the outside, as if through a tv. oof.

then the whole thing maddie said about how time didnt feel right, how nothing changed when she left. i get it. I was 10 nd my parents got divorced, and suddenly im 11 and thinking i wanted to d1e for the first time, and then im 14 in a kind of manipulative relationship, with like 1 friend and super depressed, and then i was graduating and realizing im queer and exploring my gender and going through a breakup. then im 20, and getting my first job, and coming out to my family. and now im 26. and i still mostly feel the same way i always have. i have more good days, and im more confident now, but i still feel like im just going through the motions a lot of the time.

when did I stop being a kid? ive been an adult for 8 years and Im still only working part time (32 hrs), still living with my mother bc rent is $$$$, still barely functional enough that I havent cleaned my room since last year and ive only showered 3 times in the past week, and i have to force myself to go get coffee on my days off or else ill stay in bed all day. Im just stuck here. i shouldve taken driving lessons when I could. id be out. except i cant leave my sibling behind with my mother. shes not awful, but them being alone is an explosion waiting to happen. but they dont have a job and i doubt i could support both of us. and now i dont trust my eyes enough, like i read for 15 minutes and everything else goes blurry, like im seeing triple.

anyway. next is the scene in where she talks about k1lling herself to get back to the pink opaque world. I. have to admit i nearly threw up. the imagery, the way she spoke about it. she said she regretted it while she was stuck underground, then how she felt good about it, about getting out....ive been sitting in a low spot for a while, it was better while we were on our trip, but it just reverted when we came back. i keep thinking im going to relapse into sh again. i feel so close to the edge sometimes. and theres really no reason for it either. my life is fine. not great, not perfect. but adequate. anyway i had to close my eyes and take a minute after that.

i feel that even without wanting to go back to the other world, maddie was suicidal. she wouldve found some reasoning to k1ll herself. Now ive only ever been actively su1cidal once, when i was 15 -or 16- idk my teen years are all a blur of depression and anxiety. im good now. well. i say good. im more, self destructive then really wanting to d1e. just. i feel so bad on the inside for no reason, why can i have a reason to hurt on the outside?? anyway, im ok now, im 3.5 years clean, i dont want that to change. im working on my coping mechanisms.

there was another quote from that planetarium scene that i couldnt stop thinking about but has now vanished from my mind entirely. bc sometimes getting my thoughts in order is like. catching smoke.

anyway. then everything after that. him growing old. knowing something about him is different but not wanting to acknowledge it or it would drastically his life as he knows it. I understand that feeling. except for me, its not exactly acknowledgement of myself, its doing something about it. while I didnt exactly stay in the closet long, that feeling of not wanting anything to change is why the closet exists. i realized i was queer in 2014, trans 2015. came out as bi that summer, but i didnt come out as trans until 3 years later. when I had a job. access to money if i ended up getting kicked onto the street. i literally had a bag packed and ready to go. and yet. even when i did come out, i was too afraid to correct my family on my pronouns or name for another year. my sibling really helped with that. immediately used them. Tbh theyre my fave person and id do anything they asked.

the whole thing about there still being time.

i see a lot of tiktoks about this. people watning to do stuff now bc there is still time to change your life or whatever. im interpreting it differently.

there is time now, but your hourglass will run low eventually. live while you still can, while you can still do something about it. how that message showed up after maddie left- their time together had run out, but he might still be able to do something. make a change. idk. but owen was too scared to do anything.

im still scared to do anything.

i still dont correct people on my name or pronouns if they get them wrong. i still dont speak up if my family says anything not pc (they are learning tho). im too scared to talk about any big feeling i have bc ive always been brushed off in the past and i dont want to feel worse becasue of it.

i still havent done anything to get my name or gender marker changed bc im scared. idk why. ive been living as a man for 6 years, i got top surgery almost 3 years ago, and ive been on hrt for nearly 2.

it terrifies me for some reason. maybe ts the complexity of it. ive found 3 different versions of the paperwork, and nowhere does it tell me exactly how or who to submit it too. one of those said i could submit online but it had to be printed, notarized, and scaned back into the computer? none of the other versions said it had to be notarized???

and i have nobody who has any knowlege that could help. my aunt worked for a lawyer for years, and yet she just said all I have to do is go to the dmv. like babe. no. thats not how that works.

i think ill start on that again.

while i still have time.

[transfemlogan]

You are so right about that post you made about sanders sides, the show has lost so much enjoyability and this fandom is so fucking annoying when people voice their criticisms. Being a fan of tss is so miserable

it sure is. why are we still here. theres nothing here 4 us. we are complaining abt the series & fans & were still... here. why are you still here, anon. why are we both still here.

can u guys tell i have been thinking about leaving this fandom for a 2nd time

i know that sounds like a . happy fun time but really i mainly feel pushed out. im blocked by a majority of fans, both here and instagram apparently (and twitter b4 i left), which makes it hard to interact w/ content (not that i am like... WAHH WAHH UNBLOCK ME RIGHT NOW!!!) but. i dont even want to interact w/ content. none of it intrigues me.

i left the 1st time bcuz i had 2 watch my black mutuals get called the n word & have white fans argue w/ me in my inbox.

and now im still seeing that racism. i had my mutual & close friend, chance sankiisides, get a callout post & be pushed out of the fandom because of racist ass fans who dont know shit.

this fandom not only is the most annoying and aggrivating fandom ever, you guys refuse to make anyone who isnt a white queer feel safe.

im still here because, despite all its issues, i adore sanders sides. i still am thinking abt this series constantly. i am still analysing it. despite its newer, terrible writing & mischaracterisation of the characters, i am still watching. despite thomas being the most annoying creator ive ever had 2 witness, i still watch his content. because i still like him and what he makes. because i cant ignore how genuinely happy i get when i watcb his videos. i hate this fucking fandom but i am still here because when i see fans make dumbass theories & new fans come up w/ the same analyses we had as older fans, i am Happy. i think its genuinely such a beautiful thing 2 c how ppl analyse this series.

but like. why am i still Here. why do i have this blog.

i am being attacked for being a ""violent"" person by yt remus fans, while i watch my white mutuals and friends say the same things i do. i am watching my mutuals & friends be friends with the ppl who have said these things about me. i cant interact w/ half of this fandoms content. i am still seeing rampant racism and transphobia and queerphobia within this fandom. i have so many "popular" mutuals & friends who agree w/ my takes & opinions but dont express it because they feel like they cant.

obviously a lot of this is bcuz i have been super mentally ill & suicidal for the past (checks watch) 5 months. which is not a fandom thing, its an irl thing. i moved out of my parents house secretly 2 get away from the abuse i was experiencing. i have to share a room & (help) take care of a child every other week. i go to work as a cashier, a job i did not want but was moved 2, every week & i still dont have fucking money. i am so overwhelmed & stressed out of my goddamn mind.

and i cant even come on here 2 analyse abt sasi, something i love 2 do, w/o being told i am too violent. that i should just leave the fandom bcuz no1 wants me here. & whatever else fuck nonsense i have heard & seen abt myself. obviously people can disagree w/ me but like that is the point of me being here. this isnt a safe place, bcuz you guys do not make it a safe place & i dont think you guys ever Will make it a safe place. bcuz you are all yt queers.

sorry 4 the rlly long ramble i woke up at like 3 am. ill delete this later

[borathae]

chapter 15

Can’t you like it for me?” he says with big puppy eyes.

You look away.

“You’re being emotionally manipulative here.” shut up girl im loving u too much i cant

“You are playing with fire here, Bunny. Try not to burn yourself”, you grumble.

He chuckles and pecks your cheek.

“I like the burn”, he rasps against the shell of your ear, turning to the front afterwards.

SHUT UP IM CANT TAKE IT. try not to lose your shit challenge- mission failed successfully

He treated you so goddamn fucking well that sometimes you still felt the urge to punch him in the face and run away jk in the corner, i'll take that as a compliment

Lately the latter have become more and more. YAY

“Hey kiddo. How are you doing?” he says in a surprisingly deep voice for such a small frame. me with felix and taehyung

“for half a million bucks I expect to have the painter constantly working on it in a metal cage in the middle of my living room or something.” - ........ - a few bystanders had heard you and were now looking at you with weird eyes. SHUT UP THATS SOO ME except my voice would be low and nobody would hear but could be loud too cuz universe makes it louder at times when u dont want anyone to hear shit

although he was stressed and exhausted he never once smelled of alcohol. AHHHH IM SO PROUD OF HIM *gives a big ass hug and a smooch

WHY DOES NERO'S SHOULDERS LOOK FAMILIAR TO HER AND WHY DOES SHE LOOK FAMILIAR TO HIM AHHH STOP I HATE IT THIS CHAPTER IS A ROLLERCOASTER

again a fluffy moment after the tense thank you, her threatening to buy green and purple pillows PLZ that sounds like me trying to threaten my parents by telling them im gonna marry a cat crazy dude

“I’m not asking for it. I am very much anti punishment uwu i love this stupid noodle

He swallows heavily, “a-are we going to make out now?” he asks, grasping for your hips. he is such a cute and horny noodle pls and no u are about to cringe for the rest of your office time

FUCK GET YOURSELF A MAN WHO CAN FIGHT FOR YOU IMMEDIATELY

“don’t say that what the hell my cock twitched.”

“I am not going to apologize because I am way too turned on to care.”

He looks from side to side with the tip of his nose rosy.

“What’s with the sudden horniness oh my god?”

“It’s just that I never really saw you work before and it’s kinda doing things to me.” SAME HERE IM FEELING IM WATCHING SOME HOT CEO FROM KDRAMA BUT EVEN BETTER AAAAH

It makes his ass cheeks tense up and forces a quiet whimper from between his lips. SHUT UP SHUT UP HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MOVE ON FROM THIS MOVE ON WITH MY DAILY LIFE????? VANESSA HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE LAUGH LOVE IN THESE SITAUTIONS ??

I REPEAT HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE LAUGH LOVE IN THESE SITUATIONS??? JIWOO SOUNDS SIERIOUS OH SHIT NOW SHE KNOWS AAAH

WHY IS SHE CONNECTING THE DOTS SOMETIMES CHARACTERS SHOULD BE DUMB PLEASEEEE also why is there a group of people surrounding kook??? 👀

the whole thing was soo tense i sweated through my shirt now im a stinky kid -_- BUT WE LOVED IT the emotions was captured soo well and he was supportive yet very unsupportive if your brain's going haywire with an anxiety/panic attack

Twirling him threw him straight into subspace. *insert meme i hope i dont fall, her: twirls him kook : oh no mommy

the mom is sweet AND I CANT STAND THE DAD UGHHH

i prayed for her to not go to the mirror AND SHE DID NOO its really the worst thing to do during a panic attack :(

that was soo scary even i felt the uncontrollable demons while reading and thanks it ended on a good note and it was cute.

anyways i wish her a great day next morning(tho the story has ended) cuz them muscles be hurting like a bitch oof

Me reading through all your reactions:

hahahahha I love how you went on an emotional rollercoaster with this chapter jfdjsf also you quoting so many parts is my weakness hehehe thank you so much for doing that

BROORORORO THE TWIRLING PART WAS THE ONE OF THE FIRST TIMES I WENT "oh fuck i have a mommy kink" LIKE IDK IF YOU GUYS KNOW BUT AAOL WAS MY MOMMY KINK AWAKENING FADSFAHH

[sailorgizmo]

"Every moment in your life is a turning and every one a choosing. Somewhere you made a choice. All followed to this. The accounting is scrupulous. The shape is drawn. No line can be erased."

I've spent my life forgetting and forcing myself to feel less.

I often wonder now how I would have been if I hadn't of fucked us up. How much I just let myself exist if not actively trying to ~not~ exist.

I'm surprised I passed senior year in high school or lived, really. My future was not a thought at all. I wanted to crawl into a hole and fall asleep forever. [That's kinda why I'm letting these thoughts, feelings, urges flow through me because this was an ever-present thought since you left and years after].

I was barely alive if you could call it that during the beginning of the end. I stopped drawing, reading, eating, sleeping..more and more and more. I wanted to fade into the ether and cease feeling. Become a ghost.

Constantine. Seven. Sailor Moon. Kill Bill. League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Cruel Intentions. [Why I still say I like a 1960s Jaguar Roadster]

[Yet here I am prodding and prodding myself in all the soft, hurtful spots. Over and over and over, because trully I reveal in the pain and sorrow and excitment. All of it. All different flavors. I think you're the only one who has understood even a bit of that. Not like I let many people close. Loser]

There are no such things as coincidences.

I have to keep repeating this to myself now to help "deal" with these..truths? And yet again, it's your words. Something you talked about a lot.

How many things I haven't done, because I can't stomach not doing them with you. All these truths I'm allowing myself to see now.

I'm crying now because deepdeep deep down in the secret pits of me, I know I stopped living after losing you, and I never got back up.

I scrambled and went to college because my parents pushed; I guess thinking I'd get better living away from home. I started in chemistry...are you surprised? Still still.

[All these realizations have put me in a tail spin. I did not think these things then. I had to keep you away from my thoughts, or I'd stop moving and let the earth eat me whole.]

I couldn't do it without you. I was still too in my despair. That was just me at this point. I met people and tried to do the thing. I made connections, but nothing stuck. I wouldn't let myself get close again like that.

I'd find myself looking at her page posting photos of you and her far away from here. Then the spiral. This only happened a handful of times before I forced myself to stop. College allowed me to hurt myself more than I could previously. No one watching or caring. I was just a ghost.

I looked around, seeing all the other people being able to just...~do the thing~ and I never could. Letting myself examine this in a more open sense, I know now it's because I didn't want to live in any way, yet I guess I couldn't just sit and let the earth take me. I let myself die back in high school. Oh, the human capacity for hope. Foolish, foolish hope.

"I'd prefer not to."

I threw myself into others and tried to make myself just..live? I stopped even seeing your face. I don't remember your voice. *sobs*

I am not sad she told herself for that is the worst thing for others to know you are sad.

Until she contacted me in the aftermath. Telling me that you'd come back home. Back to our state. You guys were over and *only* a handful of the horrid things you put her through.

I commiserated.

I could recall more back then. I'm not saying I'm looking on the past with rose colored frames. Just..some of my more prominent memories aren't the bad ones. The ending yes..but before? Eh. I know there was, but I can't remember much.

*time and active forgetting*

I can't remember your voice. i cant remember your voice..

You used to tell me stories all the time because I asked, pleaded, begged. Just talk to me. Just talk to me.

Would you could you do me a kindness? Oh, the things you didn't realize you'd miss a lifetime ago. Or am I just an overfeeling nostalgic fool?

I read a book a few months ago, and it makes me think of you. ~gone to see the river man~

"It puts the lotion on the skin, or else it gets the hose again."

Maroon/Blue

[werewolf-femboy-maid]

I am so fucking miserable there is so much pressure and everyone wants my free time but nobody wants to understand me.

very hopeless and angry tired feeling, very very sad

I got told about how much time im wasting by moping, how much he just wishes he had my free time and im so lucky. he didn't say that literally but holy fuck now he keeps playing my cards that he tells ME to stop playing (self deprecation and making my problems worse by being angry and not breathing)

so angry honestly

I feel so empty

ive wasted so much time. im 25 now. im gonna be 30. ive wasted so much free time. the internet is a scam. all the social medias are a scam. life is a scam. everything in the world is a scam. love is a scam. even death is a scam. and it all keeps going because love and hatred keep pulsing in the extremes of matter, living and non living.

im just really angry and didn't eat protein yet and im just so sad and very sad and upset and I feel like an entitled Karen and I think I overlooked some pretty telling symptoms of ocd

im so lonely. im so so extremely lonely. I weep for the little child that wanted to have fun with friends and eat delicious food and be peaceful every day. I have positively failed her.

I mean I guess not completely. I follow my heart if it matters too much. shed still be disappointed tho. 25 and still no car? :"( nothing?

not much food these days either. everyone getting broke. I cant imagine other places too rn. it's all so heartbreaking. everywhere I turn, it's just sadness and decay and corruption. and then every now and then there's snuggles and plants and food. but that's about it. its just living with the guilt that so many live a much more horrid and difficult life and have suffered unspeakable deaths. and im here moping. what even caused this? he said something that hurt my fragile pathetic ego again? I don't even remember. I feel so lonely because communicating with people requires more effort than Im comfortable with, but that's the only way anyone will come close to understanding me. im just so constantly tired. for the past entire life honestly. been babysitting since 3 years old. im literally the only girl. the oldest as well. I was homeschooled.

my mental health is probably suffering these days because im in that weird rut where I still need to sign up for an associates degree, but I also need to make a logo, but I need to watch one piece since he slept in too much to drop me off at my place this morning. idk its a big huge fucking mess, and if its true that ive been living with Audhd the whole time, then it doesnt even comfort me anymore because my youth was wasted on ignorance. I will never be 14 again. if only she knew. she could've said something.

so yeah long story short, not having a consistent something to do, whether that is a job, hobby, entrepreneuring or literally just self care schedule, is detrimental to mental health because it's taking exercise away from the brain muscles.

what I mean is that its good to stretch the body, and I usually feel quite refreshed after some cardio or weight training. and the same applies to the brain.

something im trying to grasp more is the "growth mindset" because the opposite of that is a "fixed mindset"

Growth Mindset: People can learn things regardless of age.

Fixed Mindset: There's only so much people can learn, and once habits are fully developed, people cannot change.

so I kept telling myself how hopeless it is, oh I wasted so much time, and time is money. my life is basically useless, my youth is depleted and now I need to die. but no that is not the case here, unfortunately.

unfortunately there is hope, not really for the world, but for my particular situation at least.

physically I am very privileged. I have white-yellow skin and have both parents making income. I have a bf that cares about me (we just both have problems lmao) and I have two places that I live at: my parents and my bfs. its convenient but at the same time its a fucking nightmare I need to reside at only one place and have my room n shit.

but yeah mentally I was isolated and yelled at for most of my life and I never got to play video games because I was a pushover and I also daydreamed too much so I got my homework done a lot slower than my siblings.

mix that with some undiagnosed adhd, autism, and even possibly ocd, and you get infinite sadness.

idk the "infinite sadness" is a phrase that comes into my head randomly lmao

hey I had this sad dream last night where I was walking with someone and they pointed to my bf sitting in some spot and they said "men like him who love people like you are going to live a sad life" and I just felt really bad because he has to deal with my tantrums (red40 is so bad holy shit, it was a lot worse than I thought)

anyway, the least I can say is that its never actually too late. you can be old af and having every kind of cancer ever, but if you find something you like, its never too late to enjoy it. do whatever the fuck you want man. don't listen to those random rules your head makes up that don't make any sense. make your own sense. and then make dollars.. $$$$$$$$$$$