#i cant even speak to anyone properly without this fucking head of mine bothering me

[jas-the-shrimp]

You know the drill ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

Big tw scroll away Im just going on my silly little rants again

[wreckofawriter]

Stupid Dance, Stupid Teenagers

Pairing: Remus Lupin x reader

Word Count: 3,135

Warnings: Drinking, mentions of weed? Swearing?

Request: @twilightlover2007: Could I request an imagine with Remus? Bookworm/avid photographer Remus watches from afar until his mates push him to talk to her/ask her to the upcoming ball? :)

A/n: Okay, I am quarantined for a month so I should be writing more but who knows, I am a dumbass. Okay, umm not exscatly in love with this one but I've already re-written it twice so I'm done. So sorry it took so long

Remus felt himself get lost again, before about a month ago he never tended to wander from his classes, they were relatively easy to stick to as most of them were quite interesting, but recently something far more entertaining had caught his attention. 

He watched as your fingers fiddled with the device under your desk two seats to his left and one down. He knew if McGonagall caught you she would give you hell, her patience probably ran out simply because of the sheer number of times she had caught you with the camera during class. 

You weren't doing anything in particular, simply spinning the lense in your hand and clicking on and off the flash. Yet Remus was completely memorised as your fingers moved so gracefully with the object. He had completely forgotten his notes, only a few sentences scribbled down before his eyes found your form. 

He began to wonder how your hands would feel in his hair, fingers ghosting through his curled locks. From there his mind began to wander to your own hair, his eyes following. It looked so soft and smooth, spilling like a waterfall from your head, its y/h/c hue shining in the dusty sunlight which filtered through the classrooms windows. 

A jab in his side forced his gaze from you to his dark haired friend. 

"Uh Moony if you don't take notes then none of us are going to have any and we are definitely going to fail Minnie's test on Friday." Sirius whispered to him.

"Since when do you care if you fail?" Remus muttered.

Sirius flashed a smile, and shrugged, "Since never but you do." 

Remus couldn't exactly argue with that so he simply rolled his eyes and dipped his quill into the ink. But one desk down and two desks over you had taken to messing with your hair and that was far more intriguing so he let his eyes stay there instead. 

Sirius took note of his friend's immediate departure from reality and let out an annoyed huff. 

"Moony seriously," he began knowing just how disappointed in himself the werewolf would be if he didn't score his unusually high performance on the upcoming exam. 

"I'll just ask Lily for notes." He responded, eyes never leaving the girl who sat a few meters away. 

"She never gives anyone notes." Sirius shot back attempting to gain Remus' attention.

"Correction, she never gives you or James notes because you are idiots." Remus commented, still not tearing himself from you.

Sirius was fed up with the lack of attention he was accustomed to receiving and pouted, it only took seconds for that pit to turn to smirk though. 

"Oh well I'm sure that y/l/n would like to hear you've been stalking her for the past month." Sirius' smile grew as his friend's head whipped towards him, eyes just a bit too wide, cheeks tainted a light pink. 

"I have not been stalking her." Remus hissed.

"Sure you haven't, and I'm in love with Malfoy." Sirius grinned, pure ecstasy filling him as Remus turned a deeper red. 

Remus turned away from the Gryffindor attempting to ignore him. In response Sirius plucked the maroon beanie from his head placing it on his own. 

"I don't see why you don't just ask her out." Sirius shrugged leaning back as Remus made a grab for his hat. 

"Give my hat back Sirius." He growled already fed up with his nonsense. 

Sirius pursued his lips pretending to contemplate his answer before breaking out in a smile, "Nah, I think it looks better on me." 

Remus once again rolled his eyes, "I don't want your grease on my hat Pads, now give it back." 

"I don't think I will after that comment." Sirius mused.

Hazel eyes rolled in their sockets once again and he lurched forward in attempts to take the hat from a bed of shimmering black. 

While his efforts did gain him back his beanie, in the process his elbow had found his open bottle of ink and successfully drenched everything on his desk. 

"Shit!" The boy cursed pushing himself backwards to avoid the liquid before it dripped onto his robes. 

"Mr. Lupin!" McGonagall snapped from the front of the class. 

"Sorry Professor!" Remus called back glaring at Sirius who bit back a laugh. 

"Black stop bothering your desk mate." The teacher added in with a glare. 

"Why am I being yelled at?" Sirius questioned.

"Because you are almost always the cause of these issues." 

At this point Remus' mind left the ink now dripping to the floor as his eyes connected to yours. You had a small smile on your face, clearly amused by the situation, your camera was now disregarded on your bag as a quill danced in your hand. The boy told himself to stop staring but it made that nearly impossible. 

You only shook your head slightly and smiled widening before you turned back to your work.

Remus was sure he was still burning red even after his teacher's had vanished the ink from his desk and continued the lesson.  

    The Gryffindor avoided looking at you for the remainder of class. By the time they were dismissed his embarrassment had dulled but not disappeared. Sirius refused to apologise claiming it was not his fault and James thought the whole thing was simply hilarious. So when you appeared in front of the three boys as they exited the classroom different emotions were evoked. 

    “Hey Lupin.” You greeted ignoring the other two boys who stood at his side with wide eyes. 

"Uh h-hey." Remus spoke cursing himself for stumbling over his words. 

You coughed nervously attempting to ignore the fact that three extremely popular boys were now staring you down. Maybe you didn't think this through properly. "Um well I just noticed that your notes were ruined and I am pretty good at this unit so you can use mine if you want." You said shifting your weight from one foot to the other as you spoke. 

The three boys all looked startled, James and Sirius turning to look at Remus who was a bit pale.

You raised your hand to the back of your neck your other holding the notes you had offered up, "It's cool if you don't need them, I'm sure you can get some from Lily or something-"

"No!" Remus said a bit too loudly, cringing at his own actions, "No, Lily would probably be pissed at me anyway." 

Your face visibly brightened, you opened your mouth to speak but was cut off. 

"Y/n come on! We are gonna be late." A girl down the hall huffed. 

"Don't yell at her, she's finally talking to Remus." Another hissed quietly, but not quietly enough. 

Your face erupted into color, "Well I've got to go." You spoke so quickly it was almost inaudible as you shoved the notes at the stunned boy before turning and running towards the group of housemates. 

When you reached them you slapped the two who had spoken with your books you were holding and buried your head in your hands as you walked away. 

Remus stared after you, his cheeks dusted pink as he let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. 

When you disappeared around the corner James let out a laugh, "That was one of the most awkward things I have ever seen." 

"I think you mean hilarious." Siriua corrected. 

"Shut up." Remus groaned.

"Look on the bright side Moony, now you know she totally has a thing for you so you can ask her out already." James smirked.

"How do we know that exactly?'' the werewolf asked. 

"Are you blind, deaf or just plain stupid?" Sirius mused.

"Yeah Moony come on. She gave you notes, blushed way too much and did you not hear the 'she's finally talking to Remus' conversation?" James giggled. 

"Whatever." Remus scoffed despite the smile twitching on his lips. 

"I can't believe you did that to me." Your groaned face is still hot from the conversation you had a few minutes ago. 

"I'm so sorry y/n/n. I didn't mean to be so loud." The short blonde next to you apologized for the thousandth time. 

"Well thank Godric you were Elle, that was the funniest thing I've seen in awhile." The brunette who sat on your other side laughed, the memory still pleasant in her head.

"Fuck off Nat." Elle glared, "at least she has the guts to talk to the person she likes, you cant even get within five yards of Alice without turning into a mess." 

"That's not fair! It's different." She argued her cheeks tinting red. "Remus obviously likes her." She grumbled, "Everyone knows Alice has a thing for Frank." 

Elle rolled her eyes, "I wish you would just get over her already." 

"Don't we all." You agreed, happy that the conversation isn't centered around your awkward interaction with the Gryffindor boy. 

Class took years but when it finally ended you and your two companions, who were still bickering, walked out to the quidditch pitch. Your camera felt nice in your hands again as you strolled across the bright grass. 

As Natasha walked into the locker rooms Elle joined your side, looking a bit upset. 

You looked through your device pointing it at the girl who looked on the verge of tears. You dropped the camera so it slung around your neck, pulling her into a hug. 

"She'll get over her eventually." You sighed, "I swear she will." 

"I just feel stupid." She whimpered, whipping her tears fiercely. 

"Dont feel stupid, feel artsy." You giggled, "I wanna go a photoshoot with you." 

Her mood changed drastically, "Really!" 

"Yeah come on let's head back to the lake." You grabbed her hand walking her back to the lake and away from the pitch.

Remus watched as you left the pitch from his place on the stands, Sirius was beside him following his gaze to you.

"Her friend is pretty cute, I think I might ask her out." Sirius sighed picking at his nails. 

"I'm sure she has taste." Remus spoke, rolling his eyes. 

Sirius opened his mouth to state his offence but was cut off, "We should go down to the lake." 

"I wonder why you would want to go to the lake?" Sirius hummed faking contemplation

Remus sighed again, "I'll just go without you." 

"Okay, okay, we'll go, but only because watching James practice is super boring." Sirius agreed standing from his seat. 

As the two made their way towards the lake the two could hear loud laughter.

    Remus stopped glancing cautiously around the tree to see you knee-deep in water holding your skirt up with one hand and holding your camera with the other. Your friend was standing on the dock giggling. 

    Despite the fact that she was the one posing you managed to look like an angel. The sun was low in the sky giving you a golden glow as you photographed your friend. Your upper thigh was exposed, your smooth skin visible. Your hair was loose, a strand falling into your face. 

“Tilt your head back.” You instructed, “Take a step towards me and pop your hip.” 

“God y/n/n I feel ridiculous.” Elle spoke but she did as she was told. 

“You’re not the one waist-deep in water.” You shot back closing your mouth and clicking the shutter. 

“I’m also not the one who insisted on getting into the water to get a good angle.” She shot back.

“Shut up and let me take your picture.”

“Are we gonna just stare at them or..?” Sirius asked, causing Remus to jump from his daze. 

“Shut up.” 

“I didn't know you were such a perv Moony.” Sirius giggled. 

“I am not a perv!” He whisper-shouted. 

“You're kinda acting like one.” Siriys shrugged, smirking. 

“Fuck off I cant just let her know I followed her.”

“Why not?” 

“Okay, we're leaving.” Remus sighed beginning to walk back towards the quidditch pitch. 

“I don't understand why you don't just ask her out.” 

“You say that like it's an easy thing.” Remus sighed. 

“Just ask her to the spring dance.” Sirius shrugged, “It's not that hard.” 

“It’s not that hard for you.” Remus corrected him. 

Sirius just rolled his eyes a small smirk finding the way onto his lips. 

Remus narrowed his eyes, suspicion suddenly filling him, “Don’t give me that look.” 

“What look?” Sirius inquired, face still holding the same expression. 

“That look,” Remus spoke emphasizing the first word.

“There is no look.” Sirius insisted. 

“You’re still doing it.” Remus scowled, “Its that look you always get before you do something idiotic.”

“I don’t have a look.” Sirius maintained. 

“You have a look, James has the same one.” The boy said his look turned from annoyed to scary. “I swear Pads, if you and James plan to meddle in my business I will gut you.” 

“I swear I’m not gonna do anything.” Sirius lied through his teeth. 

The pestering did not stop. James and Sirius were relentless. They refused to let Remus rest in peace. He was completely fine with watching you from afar but his two best friends seemed to have other ideas. 

“What about fireworks Moony?” Sirius asked. 

“That's a brilliant idea Pads!” James gasped excitedly. 

“If you set off fireworks around her I will kill you.” Remus hissed. 

“Fine, but if you don’t do something soon, I am going to tell her.” James shrugged.

“You do and I will-”

“Kill us yeah we know.”

“This is a stupid idea.” You groaned ruffling with your neatly pinned hair. 

“Don’t mess with that y/n, it took me years.” Natasha glared at you, her hands were currently buried in Elle's hair. 

“But it's so uncomfortable.” You groaned. “Why are we even going to this stupid thing anyway?” 

“Because you have done nothing but read and edit holed up in your dorm for the past week and we want to get drunk.” Elle replied leaning back into Nats touch. 

“So now I'm gonna have to look after drunk babies too? You're right that is the perfect evening.” You spoke rolling your eyes. 

“Whatever you’ll probably end up boning Remus anyway.” Natasha smirked.

“I will not!” You huffed picking up the closest thing to you which happened to be a hair brush and chucking it at the girl with red cheeks. 

“Will too.” She mumbled, dodging the object with ease. 

You slowly began to remove a few of the pins from your hair as your two best friends began an argument behind you. This was a bad idea. Remus was probably going to think you looked like you tried too hard or that you looked sluty or stupid. This was a really bad idea. But before you could bail the two behind you were standing. 

“Ready to go y/n/n?” Elle asked. 

“I guess.” You mumbled grabbing a book from your bed and following your friends down the stairs. 

Remus could not belive he had been stupid enough to go to this dumb party. He figured it's what he got for being friends with the two most obnoxious party animals in the entire school. Sirius was already hammered and it was not even eight yet. Remus considered making a break for the dorms but before he could he heard a loud shout. 

“Y/N!” Sirius cheered as you and your friends entered the room. 

You jumped a bit flushing as Sirius threw his arm around you offering you a drink which you declined and the blonde next to you took. 

You sighed shrugging off the shoulder as Sirius continued to slur nonsense into your ear. 

Just as Remus had built up the courage to go talk to you James appeared out of nowhere dragging him off to help with his harassment of Lily. When he returned a bit less than an hour later you had disappeared. 

He caught a glimpse of your friend Elle but to his surprise she was drunk making out with an equally drunk Natasha. He blinked a few times and sighed. You had probably ditched, he didn't blame you, he was going to do the same. 

Checking over his shoulder he then quickly he bagan up the stairs unbuttoning the far too tight shirt he had decided to wear. 

He bust open the door to the dorms closing it behind him before turning and freezing. 

You lay on his bed, hairpins strewn around you, a large book in front of you as you sat in an oversized hoodie he recognized as his own. Remus suddenly had the urge to pinch himself, was this some amazing day dream?

You had a light tinge to your cheeks as you spoke, “Hey.” 

Remus swallowed his mouth feeling very dry, “Hey.” 

“I'm really sorry im up here, I went up to the girls room and they were smoking weed and I just can't stand the smell so I thought I would just come up here instead.” You squeaked out, your eyes suddenly lingered downward. 

Remus glanced down at his shirt realizing he had unbuttoned it and blushed widely, quickly fumbling with the buttons. You refused to meet his gaze as he looked back at you. 

“I’m actually kind of glad you're here, I thought you ditched.” He said walking over to you and sitting on the bed opposite. 

“I would but my friends are drunk idiots.” You smiled softly. 

“Yeah they were making out downstairs.”

“WHAT?!” You yelled causing Remus to jump, “Are you serious!?” 

“Umm yeah.”

“Oh my god, finally, Elle has been in love with her since like forever, it was getting very painful.” You sighed.

“I can imagine.” Remus grinned. 

The room fell into silence, neither of you quite sure what to say. You flipped a page despite not having read it. 

“Hey y/n, I’ve actually been meaning to ask you something.” Remus mumbled picking at the end of his dress shirt. 

“Shoot.” You respond, eyes leaving the book in front of you. 

“Would you like to go to that stupid spring fling with me?” He blurted out face washing crimson as your mouth dropped slightly. 

“Of course.” You respond, your heart beating so loud you were sure he could hear it. 

“Really?” Remus asked. 

“Yeah dummy, but only if we get to act like stupid teenagers.” You giggled and the boy felt his heart soar. 

“Of course.” He answered feeling a heavy weight lift from his chest. “By the way you look really cute in my hoodie.” 

You blushed eyes growing a bit wide. “I’m so sorry I had no idea it was yours, I was just really cold because of this stupid dress and it was just sitting there and-” 

“It’s fine.” Remus laughed, “It looks better on you anyway.” 

Taglist:

@evyiione

@accio-rogers

@roslea

@k3nz-doodl3

@theseuscmander

[hold-our-destiny]

if you can't breathe- chapter 7

its finally here!!! a bit longer than the other chapters! I worked really hard on this one! comments are always appreciated!

read it here on ao3

-------------

Peter was fading in and out. At times he could feel the ghost of pain across his skin, that's when he wished to fade out, and when he did, he wished to be present again. it's been so long he's become slightly numb- at least that's what he thinks, he knows that he damaged his wrist at some point, but he can feel the pain there now, it was slightly relieved. His thoughts are mostly blurry now, if they're even there at all. He hasn't moved in, what was it? 5 days? There’s no way to tell, no light, no windows. Peter knows it's been a while. His lips are dry, lungs wheezing slightly, when he can feel pain it's almost always in his stomach.

Peter fades in again, his eyes focus slightly and he recognises the faint outline of the cell door. God how much he wished someone would walk through there at this moment. Anyone.

His brain flicks back to the last memory he had before his master left him there. He was bending down in front of him, saying- something. Peter tried to concentrate.

“I know what it's like. To wait. I waited for weeks for my friends, they ever came. And neither will yours”

The way he said it was almost soft, as if he hadn't just spent weeks terrifying the boy.

Peter blinks as he remembers, he knows it's not true, it can't be, but at this point he’s starting to doubt himself. What has it been? Three and a half months last time he heard, probably longer now, Tony wasn't looking for him, he couldn't be, the video would've been enough to assure him peter was dead.

-------------------

“I haven't seen him out if his room in a week, steve”

“I know, im trying to get him to at least have a shower but he hasn't left his bed”

“He can't keep going on like this, it's been weeks”

Tony could hear the conversation from his bedroom, his position in the bed had not moved in days. He couldn't bear it. His mind was permanently rushing with thoughts of ‘what if we found him in time, what if we found him the first day? What if they never got to him? He would still be here, living, breathing, he isn't, all because of you’

Rationally, Tony knows he shouldn't be thinking like this, that they did all that they could. But it just wasn't enough was it? They didn't get there in time, and Tony had to reassure his kid as he slowly gaped for air that would never come. Tony squeezed his eyes shut and after a full day of the thoughts circling his head, he drifted off.

Outside though, steve and nat were still talking, trying to figure out how to help the grieving father, knowing that they’ve already tried everything.

“The only thing we can do now is wait and be there for him, hope that he sorts everything out soon,” Steve said solemnly, bowing his head and walking to the kitchen, him and nat both wished they could do something, anything to help.

Steve essentially dragged tony to the kitchen the next day to get him to eat something. He didn't take no for an answer. Tony was sat on one of the kitchen bar stools, hair mussed up and clothes crooked in every way. Around the kitchen were also nat and sam, making their own breakfasts and making casual conversation (Tony couldn't see how they could talk as if they didn't watch a child die a few weeks ago).

“You know Tony, you can't keep beating yourself up about this,” Tony blinked and noticed now steve was leaning over the counter towards him and speaking in hushed tones.

“I-” tony tried to intervene

“it's not your fault, you have to accept it, that kid’s gone, we all know” steve had a sad look on his face, tony was absolutely raging. ‘that kid’?

“Peter.” he essentially spat. Steve looked surprised that he actually spoke, let alone the fact that he was angry.

“I- what?” the captain spluttered

“His name. Was peter.”

“Oh”

“And don't you dare say that it wasn't my fault, it was all of our faults, we couldn't find him in time.”

“Tony-”

“No, steve” he hissed out his name, “don't say it, it's our fault, and yes, I am aware that he is- that he isn't here anymore- im very aware of the fact, so you can keep your damn mouth shut”

Nat decided to speak up now.

“Tony , we know you’re grieving” tony growled, yet she continued “your kid- peter. He's gone, there’s nothing we can do about it now but its been months, you’ve got to move on-”

“I cant!” tonys hands found themselves yanking at his hair, making it more messed up than it already was, “don't you think ive tried? Hes always here, i cant go down to my lab without seeing his things, hes room is opposite mine for fuck’s sake. And I can't even sleep! All i see when i close my eyes is his face, as he gasps, searching for reassurances as he fucking dies! And what did we do? We watched it happen! That's what we did!” Tony's face was now covered in tears streaming down his face, not intending to stop.

Tony took one more look at the three people in front of him, before turning on his heel and leaving, heading straight to his room, throwing himself on the bed and passing out.

--------------------

“Boss, you have one new message”

“ugh, ignore it fri”

“Sir-”

“I said. Ignore it.”

“Okay boss.”

Tony was sat in his room, staring mindlessly out the window for the last, hour now? He didn't keep count. With every second sat there, he wished one more time to just forget everything.

Two minutes later, friday spoke up again.

“Boss, you have been sent one video”

Tony groaned.

“Who’s it from fri?”

“You don't have them saved in your phone sir, the video contains two people, one identified as peter parker, the video is dated from a week ago I believe-”

Tony jumped up at once, not wasting a second before running into the hallway and heading straight into the lounge where the others were, they all looked surprised at his presence.

“He sent another one” he directed the statement to steve.

“What?”

“That- that- that guy sent another video,”

“Tony calm down, what guy? The guy that took peter?” Tony didn't bother wasting a breath, already hyperventilating at the realisation, peter, his kid could be alive, very much hurt but breathing. He was reeling. He still had doubts circling in his mind, it could be an old video with a different date, or it could be his body, oh god-

“Fri, play it on the screen”

The tv screen turned over to a black screen before flicking to a frozen picture of peter- god peter- tied to a chair, that bastard of a man stood behind him. Tony stood in shock, tears building in his eyes as he processed what was in front of him. The video started playing and the man started speaking, circling peter in the chair as he did so.

“Ah, hello again mr stark, so sorry we haven't been in much contact recently, today is- the thirteenth- so about a week before ill bother sending it to you.” Peter looked up slightly, eyes glazed over, gliding over everything, never locking onto anything, “such an unlucky number isn't it? Thirteen? I never found out why, something to do with the devil. Anyway,” he clapped, making peter flinch and tony curse under his breath, the others all stood in silence, stone faced and in shock, “so stark, this child right here is finally perfect, granted it took a bit of- conditioning, we got there in the end, didn't we pet?” the guy put a hand on Peter's shoulder and his eyes grew wide, finally processing everything.

He nodded, staring straight ahead, almost in a trance.

“Yes we did, though his vocal chords did get a bit damaged, this little one cant talk properly, partly because of the shocks and also because of- well you can guess. Anyway, im finished with him now, you can come get him,``Tony opened his mouth in disbelief, the man suddenly looking bored, peter’s face not changing, “yes, I know, you can really have him back, he’s useless to me anyway, no fun anymore. So here’s what's going to happen, ill send you this video along with the location in about- a week, and when you make it here, the child will probably be dead or dying from his injuries, who am I to say?” he chuckled.

“Oh and one more thing,” peter flinched, “before I leave, ill be sure to make my last mark on him, give you something to remember him by, you know?”

Peter looked straight into the camera for a moment in shock, before it cut out. Tony called the suit to him, the rest of the team already suiting up.

--------------

The base was almost empty, FRIDAY’s scan only picking up one heat signature. Tony decided to go alone, the rest of the team waiting on the jet if he needed backup. The team were all in their gear, except from bruce, who was on standby with medical.

“Tony, are you sure about this, we’ll all be fine going in with you?” steve grabbed his arm as he was about to fly to the base.

“I'm sure, steve, trust me on this, i'll call you if i need you.”

Without another word, Tony took off in the suit, helmet flipping down and friday marking out where the heat signature was.

Granted, it took a bit of searching, but eventually tony found the room, standing just outside the door he froze for a moment. What if peeta wasn't there? What if it was someone else?

No, it had to be peter. Without another word, Tony opened the door.

It was dark in the room, Tony's suit glowed in the darkness as it shone a light around the room. Tony’s eyes landed on a body in the corner, suit retracting as he stepped forward, He raised his hand to his mouth in shock as he got a closer look at the kid.

Peter didn't seem to be badly hurt, his right arm was bent at an odd angle, making tony grimace. His left ankle seemed slightly swollen, dried blood coated nearly all of the kids bottom half. He was deathly thin, he looked more like a skeleton then anything. Tony reached forward to rest his hand on the boy’s curls but gasped when his head fell limply forward.

Tony tapped the comm, activating it.

“I-i've got him, bringing him back to the jet now, get bruce ready,”

He then deactivated it before he could hear a response from steve. He stood up and scooped peter up in his arms,careful not to hurt him any further. He let his suit guide him out of the facility and back to the jet, he only looked up when he reached the others, laying peter down in the stretcher ready for Bruce to help him. He didn't take his eyes off his kid once.

You're okay now kid

tags:

@dreamingformuses

@baloobird

@keep-a-bucket-full-of-stars

@just-the-daydreamer

@verdonafrost

@tmifangirl21

(msg me if you wanna be tagged!!)

[shrimpcache]

Journal entry 6/6/21

Feeling lots of things, thinking lots of thoughts, remembered my idea to do journals here. id rather you didnt reblog but i cant exactly stop you either, and its not like anyone important to not see this is really on tumblr. anyways.

I hate this stupid situation with this passport- i want to go to italy, id love to be anywhere that isnt the piedmont anymore. at least anywhere that isnt the same suburb with the same roads and street signs and city design and construction where i used to see forests and fields. I want to see where my best friend grew up, im excited to see this new side and learn something new about someone so familiar to me. im excited to meet people whos language i dont speak, to just look at store signs and roads and cars that are unfamiliar without being frightening because theres someone next to me who knows what to do already. imagine me traveling and not stressing about how i need to know where i am at all times lest i get lost, or keeping track for my group of friends who is equally unfamiliar with somewhere that looks just like every north carolina town. new mountains, new people, new norms, new sounds in the morning, new sounds at night. will i miss the cicadas this summer? will it even matter?

the sad part is i dont know if my passport will get to me in time. I might have to take a day trip to vermont where i cant even explore national forests or non-chain restaurants. Ill have to walk into a passport facility without all my necessary documents and hope theyll see in the system that the fucking government still has my birth certificate. I want to go to europe. I want to get out of here so bad, but i never got my passport because things like that didn;t just happen to me.

Im not the one who gets the interesting summer trips. Always too broke, working, or i just cant justify to myself why i would just drop everything to go somewhere where i know nothing and know no one. Why that thought is so sad to me, “things that fun and cool just aren’t meant for me” 

Maybe its the insinuation that it is for other people. Does it just tie into this image i have of myself? this barely human person who just copies and mimics until people read me as one of them too? I think i really understand that artist now who makes adhd comics and draws herself with little alien antennae- i really do feel like an alien. even when I take adderol, it only really helps with the energy and executive dysfunction. Which is great!!! i love my adderoll and im so glad that i can feel a little bit more like a normal person, and im proud of myself pursuing it until i got it. But it doesn’t change that i wont ever be able to just relate to most people. Its like growing up with undiagnosed adhd created a Me and Them venn diagram, where everything that makes me who i am can never be in the center of the interlocking circles. The way i speak, how fast, how slow, how hesitant, how exuberant- i never realized how much i masked until i started talking with people whos brains worked at the same pace as mine. people who thought the strangest, unhelpful thoughts too. Im not trying to make myself special or some sort of ‘other’ in society -im a little white girl who grew up in a house with two floors and my own room, nothing was really working against me outside of myself. But having something inside of you that is unquestionably you and it just seems like youre the only one whos like this for no reason was just so hard. its kinda...harder now that i know none of it was because there was something inherently wrong with me.

sigh. this is all over the place. anyone who cares to read congrats on seeings how my brain connects thoughts in real time. i dont have aphantasia or anything but my imagination and thoughts have always been more word and language based than visual, so rather than having racing thoughts of intense images of memories my brain just produces sentences ed nauseum or whatever. Thoughts that i might not even agree with but they rile me up and pull me under anyway- if im stressed the stress just manifests as a tornado of sentences and phrases happening concurrently, like theres some sort of crowd in my head saying vaguely similar things out of time. or harsh things. or mean things. but i think thats kai’s fault. like when i was spiraling over a failing grade in chemistry in my dorm at 2am where i couldnt stop thinking that the only reason i hadnt killed myself already was because i was such a financial drain on everyone around me and i couldnt waste their money by dying. maybe theres a hint of truth in there but its so exaggerated. i havent killed myself because i want to live and experience my life as much as i experience the lives of others, but i also always feel this heavy burden of wasted money, wasted time, wasted potential, constantly stirring up my brain. 

this started with my passport, right? thats my stressor right now, and its pretty big so it bleeds into other parts of my life so easily. my therapist says i have this habit of replacing one stressor with another, and sometimes i can recognize it, but i dont think its getting replaced as much as its being amplified. Im waiting on my passport, which probably wont get here before my travel date, so ill have to fly to vermont and get one the day before i travel even though i already have one in processing. I spent $1400 on my ticket and i cant even transfer it to anyone without getting a refund or something, and i spent that much money without even knowing if i could travel. can i even get a refund? i worry about it as soon as i wake up, whenever i have a free moment to think, when im going to bed, when im playing games. when im doing anything that isnt working on getting my passport, even though i cant really do anything but call the same phone number and wait on hold for hours. but because im ‘not trying hard enough’ to get my passport, im too overwhlmed to do my laundry. to clean my room. to exercise my dog properly. im irritable. i just want to see my friends but i dont even talk about whats bothering me because im afraid to cry in front of them. im crying right now because this is the only outlet ive given myself to feel in literal months. writing always does this to me, drags me into emotions i dont realize im pushing down until the words just come out against my own will. i missed typing on my keyboard though. i missed thinking and seeing it in front of me, so i guess this is a sort of catharsis. i put some clothes in the laundry, at least. good job me. 

maybe this will all work out in the end and itll feel great. maybe ill get on a plane with my original ticket and have a fun few weeks away from everything ive always known. maybe ill set foot on a sidewalk ive never touched before! maybe ill get that tattoo. maybe things will be okay. i can focus on stuff working out too, if i try hard enough. i think im done writing now. half way through this i worked some stuff out with my friends and there are a few things that are less scary now than when i first started writing. see you next time