#i cant breathe regularly anymore

[milomaxxy]

Something I wish I could vent about without IMMEDIATELY getting fucking dogpiled by people who have zero fucking critical thinking skills and automatically assume shit about me, is how covid (and having long covid) has affected my ability to mask.

I got covid (at least) twice- and that's what I tested positive for. I have long covid now, and that affects so much that I do. I can't walk as far, I can't tolerate the heat as well, I can't eat or drink some of the things I used to, my sense of taste has wildly changed, and more; but the worst part is how it affects my breathing. I can't breathe without basically panting anymore. Even lying in bed right now, I can't breathe properly and have to breathe through my mouth to get proper air flow. If I get too hot, or even too warm sometimes, I end up gasping for air like I'm actually choking on the air I'm breathing. My head gets light, my vision blurs and gets dark spots, my mouth gets numb, my limbs tingle and prickle, and I get an overall weakness. Hell, there's been times I've almost passed out from it and had to sit down bc I couldn't stand.

How does this affect masking, you ask? Bc with my regular breathing being hindered already, any kind of extra hindrance can really fuck me. Like, quick in-and-out, less than 5 minutes? I can do it, not perfectly fine, but not really worse off. If I have to actually take time somewhere tho? Like, if I have to do grocery shopping, or go to an appointment, or do my taxes? It has made me actually end up having AMR (the ambulance) called for me by staff before. Bc I basically fainted (for like 5 seconds), fell over, and looked like I was actively dying. I've had to take breaks while grocery shopping bc I have issues breathing as is, but wearing a mask makes it genuinely Difficult To Breathe to the point of hurting me.

And it fucking sucks, bc I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS. I don't want to sound like a fucking anti-masker who probably thinks covid was made by the U.S. government when I try to explain my health problems. I don't want to have to disclose the fact that, even tho I followed ALL THE PROTOCOLS, other people got me so sick that I can't wear a mask without hurting myself. I don't want to have to disclose my medical information to have a "valid reason" to "break the rules" bc I KNOW how important masking is. I KNOW what the risks are, and I DON'T WANT to take those risks. I'm basically stuck between the decisions of "wear a mask, but not be able to breathe and end up in the hospital *again*" or "don't mask, risk getting sick again, and deal with people who don't want to hear eXcUsEs". As if "I genuinely can't breathe even sitting down and resting, much less moving around with a mask on and I HATE that" is an excuse and not me trying to explain how much I don't want to have to even think about not masking.

I just really wish I could vent about how much I want to cry about this, without someone accusing me of lying about my health. Without someone accusing me of being a fucking fascist, anti-masker, antivaxxer, POS just bc they don't believe me. Fuck

[nat20potato]

Cant find the posts anymore but recently Ive read some meta about Xenk's hair, which we gather is already meaningful to the POC/Black community, but in a deeper canon aspect-Xenk was apparently a Thayan slave??? They werent allowed to shave their hair...

I think about this once a day. There's a fic out there that suggests Xenk shaves as part of his morning prayers/meditation, and I can not explain how many levels of...PUNK that is. Xenk keeps his hair. He doesn't hide his undead Thayan markings.

It means he wants the people he saved to know that they were saved by a THAYAN. Sure, to discourage people associating Thay with cruelty and evil and give refugee Thayans a better lot in life but also...that is the BIGGEST Fuck You to every person who made his life living hell when he escaped from Thay as a child. And by not shaving his hair despite being by all means a free man, the unspoken BLATANT statement to Red Wizards that their schemes are regularly thwarted by a former slave. Like. That is the HUGEST middle finger I could possibly think of considering his background while simultaneously being the noblest thing anyone could do. He's proving everyone wrong. He's going to CONTINUE proving everyone wrong. That streak of sheer bastardry takes my breath away. God I have so much fucking respect for him. Its so fucking PUNK. Imagine how much he relishes shaving every morning or cutting/trimming his hair like... I love him SO much.

[famcest]

Mom's Beginning Pt 3

Hey Tumblt. How have you been? In any event strap in because it has been a moment.

So......I at this point I had been talking to my best friend. She had become a bit of a sounding board for me during this time.

Over the past few months my son and I had started getting a little closer and more comfortable with each others bodies. Whenever hubby isn't home he and I will usually be found in just each others underwear. Incidentally I started being more comfortable with looking at his bulge, even buy him some underwear with a pouch in it to accommodate his size. He was proud of that.

And that is where the trouble started. Talking with my friend I was mooning over how sexy he looked in his new underwear. Well that is when my friend dared me to start walking around with no clothes regularly. I was too horny to stop and think so I agreed. Well that led to my son doing the exact same thing as he saw me.

Goodness. Some times I wish I wasn't like this. Every time I see him naked I get this sex fog in my brain and I cant feel like I think properly. My ears get hot my face get flush and I cant keep my thoughts properly. Cut to about a week of stolen glances of one another and walking in on my son masturbating freely out in the open. I still can't fathom how he can keep it up for so long.

After a few days of this well lets just say I couldn't control myself anymore. It was the middle of the day and had brushed past my son and felt his manhood poke my bottom........I guess that was the trigger because I marched straight to his room.

*************************************************************************************

The air was thick and the tension hung in the air. I just looked at the man that my son had become and I'm sorry everyone I gave in. I got on my knees and took his thick manhood in my hands and started pumping up and down. He must have felt the same because he didn't hesitate to grab me and start kissing me passionately and massaging my breasts. There came the sex fog because it felt like time had stopped and I lost all perspective outside that moment. Just rocking back and forth I never wanted it to end. I could feel the heat from his cock as I started quickly jerking him and playing with his pendulous balls. Well I felt that familiar tension in my man and sure enough moments later

I heard him groan and watched his eyes roll back in his head as I felt the thick jets of cum shoot out of like a fountain onto my body. I could've lived in that moment forever. Both of us breathing hard and just resting on the bed I felt like I was covered in a thick hot jelly. Just looking at my son wondering what it would mean now that we had crossed this line.

[ganseybois]

jean moreau’s thirty reasons to stay alive (cause I'm having feelings about my old fic and tsc)

he is gone

sunrises

jeremy reading to me

caramilk chocolate

the feel of the sun

dogs

i am reading books again

riko cant touch me anymore

jeremy when he tries to speak french

i have not gotten any injuries that are not related to exy in a year

pumpkin spice lattes

trojan team

kevin day and i are slowly becoming friends once more

renee calls every three days

i have come to realize i like the smell of lilies. my dorm with jeremy is filled with them now. he took it a little out of hand. i smiled.

i still cannot go anywhere alone but jeremy always comes with me. he says it will get easier. i find myself believing him. 

every day is hard but i am breathing and thats enough of a reason

graduation

jeremy asking to hold my hand

yes means yes now, and no means no 

the trojans taking camping trips so we could see the stars

baths after practice

when i sprained my hand, jeremy allowed me to sit out the next day to heal

i get to heal

i cant stop looking at jeremys smile

i am not number three anymore. it is just a number. i am more than a number. the trojans know that.

jeremy talking in his sleep

kevin and i have been talking regularly, and he is happy. that is a good reason.

game nights with the Trojans

Then, written over and over again, the words spiralling over each other until they were darkened so much it looked like bold print, was the final line:

   30. him.  jeremy knox. jeremy knox. jeremy knox. 

[evildeerboy]

Really sucks i need to lose weight for health reasons (im having frequent shortness of breath and my lower back & knees barely support my weight anymore) esp when ive been going to the gym regularly for 2 years so all i can change is my food intake. And that has never, ever, ever worked long term for me. In fact, even when i was following noom and i lost like 15lbs (the only time i have Ever lost weight by dieting or adjusting what i eat), the second i broke the habit of doing it every day i gained 25lbs 💀

And it doesnt really help that my bf is super skinny and muscular so he can pack in like 6 donuts and be fine but if i eat 1 it’s like the end of the world djfalskdfj. So it’s just like. I feel bad all the time about it. And i cant even do anything about it 😭 I’m gonna have to talk to my doctor and see what she thinks..

[lollytea]

Scenes of penelope and eloise on repeat on my mind whilst we cant be friends plays on loop—

(i have become a creloise girlie overnight send help. Eloise finally seeing cressida with her hair down after a particularly trying ball when??)

Also manifesting the queen enlisting poor Eloise yet again, this time to find out why her sister Francesca isn’t vibing with the man she picked out for her. (I want the queen to eventually see how music is Francesca’s passion, I want her to be reminded of George :’)

Agsbdjdnk. I've got my gripes with the Eloise and Cressida friendship for sure, mostly because it came from such a mean-spirited place that I can't get over it. Eloise decides she hates Penelope now so she's all like "I'm going to befriend the girl who regularly says nasty things about Penelope" what the HELL man, that's so mean.

But also, at the same time, I really enjoy their dynamic, they're very interesting. Honestly I just need Eloise to maintain intimate relationships with other girls because if she's not being used for gay friendship breakup drama, they're trying to shove her in the direction of that one guy and I am NOT here for that. I much prefer whatever is going on with Cressida than Eloise's awkward paper boy romance or whatever the fuck that was.

Also this show is so heterosexual that it makes me physically unwell so YES, ILL TAKE IT!! I can't be picky anymore, I will take whatever scrap of girls kissing I can get. Eloise and Cressie can lez out. As a treat. It's okay. Even if it's not endgame or anything, it might make Eloise realize some things and make her dig her heels in even more about avoiding male suitors.

And CRESSIE!! Girl there's so much more to life than a husband!! Idk what your hobbies are but I'm sure you can discover yourself if your mother would stop breathing down your neck every five seconds. I believe in you!! Honestly I figure that Cressie is actually pretty interesting and witty deep down. I can't see another reason that Eloise would imprint on her so much.

I DO want to see an emotionally charged moment with symbolically undone hair now that you mention it, thank you for that mental image.

Also YEAH it would honestly be so funny if the Queen sought out Eloise AGAIN and was like "YOU 🫵". Like GOD leave this poor girlfailure alone, every year you terrorize her asdhfbjnk.

And Francesca!! I love her and her arc so much, she's absolutely my favourite character I think. I also love the siblings interactions so I'd love an excuse to weave some Eloise into Fran's story. Also I want Eloise to interact more with the guy. I've forgotten his name. Fran's beloved. Mr Autism. He's wonderful but I think Eloise would be so perplexed by him and trying to figure out what his whole deal is.

I still haven't watched Queen Charlotte so there's probably some subtext with George and music that I'm unaware of. But also YES I do want more scenes between Fran and the Queen :D!!

[voidendron]

Ok I'm at work so cant draw anything

But I've got some things figured out so far

Zero (he/it) has been a paranormal investigator most of his adult life. It started when his apartment turned out to be haunted, and while looking into it, it got attacked. No serious injuries because he ran, but the event kickstarted his investigations. It joined a small paranormal team, and eventually became their defacto leader, since it was usually the first one inside a haunted location testing out various methods of figuring out what the ghost was

He wears a crucifix necklace ("I'm not religious, but I'd rather not have a ghost kill me in my sleep"), and normally has some sort of dust mask on, especially in older buildings.

He and his team do the initial investigating, then sell the information to ghost hunters once they figure out what they're dealing with. The hunters then use their info to clease the ghost from the home.

Anyway. Zero has dealt with probably dozens if not hundreds of hunts when the ghost gets angry with the team's presence. It's usually quick to find a place to hide, but

Well

Unfortunately he's never ready for dealing with demons. They're far more aggressive than the other types, hunting far more often and killing people more regularly. His team's lost investigators to them more than once

Zero eventually finds itself among that number

His team watches in horror from the van, a camera pointed right at him, as he's strangled to death, necklace torn away and tossed aside

They're forced to finish the investigation without him, unable to even retrieve his body due to the ghost's aggression. Ghost hunters get rid of the demon, getting Zero's body out of the house when they do

And Zero's ghost is left to wander the house that no one ever wants to move into because of strange noises, cold spots....

And sometimes they think they can hear a mournful wail from nowhere yet everywhere

Years pass, and the team is called back to the location. The ones who'd been there before are uneasy, they remember what happened here - and they have a bad feeling that they know exactly who the ghost is

They know within an hour that they're dealing with a banshee

They also know, when Zero attempted to show itself, to show that he recognized them - that he KNOWS THEM - they also know it's him

He tries desperately - and fails - to communicate over their spirit box. He tried shouting at their parabolic, but they hear only a terrible shriek. It tries to tell them it doesn't want to hurt them, but they only run and hide (he can't find them, why can't he find them) when he makes the lights flicker and the front door slams shut so they'll JUST LISTEN PLEASE

And he grows angry, but doesn't let himself hunt even as the anger twists painfully in his chest and just needs to get out

And then they find it

A monkey paw, likely what brought the demon there so many years ago, hidden away in the basement

The old team glances at each other, the new hang back out of fear what the paw might do them

And their new leader takes it, shooing everyone else to hide

"I wish for life."

Light - blinding, painful - hits Zero's eyes

And he collapses to his knees

There's a hand on his shoulder, and he finds that he's trembling. His chest is tight, it's hard to breathe

....breathe. it can breathe. Why can it breathe???

"Zee?" It's said with a gasp, unbelieving - and then he finds arms holding him tight

Paranormal investigator Zero isn't quite right. His gaze seems to see far more than it should, his teeth are maybe a little too sharp, seems to have an aversion to crosses, and when he cries... well, a terrible wail makes dread befall all who hear. They say he's not quite human, not anymore,

For the monkey paw will always take something in return for a wish.

I kinda

wanna make a Phasmo version of my sona

ghost detective Void/Null, hmmmmm 👀

[happiiest]

😔

[gatorbites-imagines]

Anakin skywalker, Darth Vader, Obi wan Kenobi, Cody.

Overall Headcanons

Back on my Star Wars bullshit, so heres some overall hcs about some of the characters I love, enjoy. Ft some x reader elements. Can yall tell which character ive been most obsessed with lately?

 Let me know if you guys are interested in more like this, as it’s a good way to get the writing juices flowing.

 Mild nsfw stuff under the cut, but it’s nothing wild.

Anakin Skywalker

-          Anger issues, but would never yell at you as it reminds him of his time as a slave

-          Gets nightmares about his time as a slave and his fears.

-          Wears black because it sets him away from the other jedi. They made him feel as if he didn’t belong, so he was gonna go his own way.

-          When he first joined the jedi he had a really hard time drinking or just using water in general since it was so sparce on Tatooine. Nowadays he enjoys to take long showers and baths.

-          Cant eat too strong tasting foods.

-          Has a real hard time talking about his emotions. Because of this, if he falls in love hed rather go around nursing a crush than actually confess.

-          He falls in love super easily, and gets kinda blinded by it.

-          Touch starved as hell, literally melts into your hands if you cradle his face in your palms.

-          Loves kissing, could spend hours with his lips on yours or just kissing you all over.

-          Oral fixation. Goes hand in hand with him loving to kiss so much. Watch out for your fingers.

-          Has a strong gag reflex, but doesn’t let it stop him.

-          This man is verse leaning towards submissive and you can’t convince me otherwise. Those anger issues make me think he just wants someone to love him and take care of him.

-          Loves you wearing his clothes or wearing your clothes.

Darth Vader (I know he’s also Anakin but whateves)

-          Still has real bad anger issues, but in a more subdued and controlled manner if that makes sense. Still won’t yell at you.

-          Very self-conscious about his body, and is scared of touching anything he cares about because he doesn’t want to accidentally destroy it.

-          Still has horrible nightmares but these are mainly about the purging of the jedi.

-          He secretly listens to recordings from before the fall of the jedi and the republic when he is feeling extra down.

-          Mourns how he can’t kiss anymore. Tries to breathe as quietly as possible when you cuddle because he thinks the noise disturbs you.

-          Secretly still sensitive so it would help you if affirm that you love him.

-          More touch starved than ever, wants you to touch what little accessed skin he has, all the time.

-          Doesn’t talk much anymore. This scares other people as he’s just a large silent scary shadow.

-          I don’t think he has much of a sex drive after becoming Darth Vader, mainly because I think his own body is too damaged, though he would be able to use his hands.

-          Though I think he would like to sit on his knees in front of you with his head in your lap, having you caress him.

Obi wan Kenobi

-          Insomniac to the fullest. He uses the force to keep going.

-          Loves tea more than anything, has a collection of teas from different planets he’s been too in his time as a jedi.

-          Touch starved, as I think all jedi are at this point.

-          Has nightmares and lasting trauma from the many things he went through even before he became a jedi knight like melida/daan and bandomeer.

-          Quite protective of those he cares about, though he doesn’t express it much with words.

-          Doesn’t cry much, so when he does, he just needs someone to hold him as he gets it out.

-          He sneaks out of the temple to eat at Dex´s diner all the time. He brings along Anakin, Ashoka and later multiple clones.

-          Isn’t as uptight as people think. He will bend or break rules regularly, he just isn’t caught.

-          I think he both tops or bottoms, whatever the mood is that day, though I see him as the type of person to refer to it as “lovemaking”.

-          Has had multiple partners in the past, a few being Quinlan, I believe they were casual and just did it to relieve stress and etc, Santine or even Siri Tachi.

-          He is quite confident with a partner, even if he isn’t sure what he’s doing.

-          Likes making his partner feel good, holds you close and maybe even clings on quite desperately at times.

-          A big cuddler, just wants to lay for hours and half sleep with you in his arms.

-          Would keep your relationship a secret for obvious reasons, but would be willing to leave the jedi for you If you got very serious and truly loved eachother.

Cody

-          Tries to keep serious at all times, but can be quite goofy and lovey-dovey behind closed doors.

-          Very protective over his fellow clones and the jedi he is assigned.

-          Used to follow orders as closely as possible, but after joining the 212th, has started to follow in Obi wans footsteps and bend rules to fit the situation.

-          Secretly struggles a lot with being a clone and not being seen as a living sentient being by most people.

-          Has issues with his self-esteem, please tell him he’s good enough.

-          Has very little knowledge about kids, the outside world of sex ed, as I don’t believe the kamonians thought it was something clones needed to know.

-          Sterile, as I believe most clones aren’t able to have children.

-          Likes to cuddle and be held close, hold him as tight as you can against your chest. Will listen to your heartbeat and fall asleep to it.

-          Likes it when his partner caresses his scar or holds his face in their palms. Please pepper kisses all over his voice.

-          I think he’s fine with whatever in the bedroom, but it will be kinda awkward or goofy the first couple of times as he figures out how it works.

-          Likes to go slow and take his time, take you in and really show you how much he loves you.

-          Doesn’t keep your relationship a huge secret, as in his squad and some jedi know but not the council or the republic as you could be forced to split up.

[swagging-back-to]

if youre worried about not being able to run, getting saggy tits, or literally anything else just know that is exactly what bra manufacturers want you to think. it is a lie they created to trap women into continuing to wear bras.

your boobs lose the muscle strength necessary to hold themselves up when you wear a bra regularly. This makes it so they bounce more heavily even when you walk, let alone when you run. do you think prehistoric women never ran because of their breasts? no. women ran, a lot, and had no problem doing so because their pectorals actually had muscle necessary to support their breasts. When you first start running or jumping after going braless it will hurt, i wont lie. but after a month or so youll realize you dont feel any pain at all anymore, and that you actually have an easier time. this goes for big breasted women ESPECIALLY.

if youre worried about your nipples showing, first off; dont. nipples are normal and if people judge you for them that shows they have no understanding of biology. it is a self own, on their part. but second off if you really cant have nipples showing bc of work or something-- WEAR A TANKTOP under your clothes. even a thin undershirt completely hides your nipples.

and STOP WEARING SPORTS BRAS. this goes to the prev tags literally you DO NOT NEED THEM. they restrict your diaphragm and make it harder to breathe, which is exactly whta you need to do when youre working out. and again... you DO NOT NEED THEM. the more you do not wear a bra the less your boobs will bounce even when you run or jump, and they will not hurt. go braless COMPLETELY or it will continue to cause problems.

women who don't wear bras, do you have any advice for women who want to stop wearing them?

[suca-loca]

I like the idea of everything starting anew in Season 2 solely because the new dsmp members can finally stop being ignored. A lot of people stopped logging onto the server because they didn’t wanna confuse the audience with what was and wasn’t canon

But that unfortunately left the new members to just have nothing to work off of. So much of the lore was started by improv and the new members couldn’t have that same experience so they slowly stopped streaming on the server. Now though they can finally be involved!!!!

I think The Incident, as Tommy calls it, had to happen mainly because of that + a lot of streamers wanted a do over on their lore. They’ve admitted to feeling intimidated, stuck and dealing with scheduling issues that have had to make them drop the stories they wanted to tell

Now that the streamers have more knowledge on how to handle lore and what does and doesn’t work we can finally see more stories. Plus the new scheduling system is coming out so that everyone can stream regularly on the SMP

I’m not saying not to have constructive criticism. It’s important to judge the media you consume and everyone is allowed to have opinions. God knows I have my own feelings on the c!niki and c!wilbur apology stream so I ain’t sitting here happy with everything

It’s understandable if you’re upset by the ending, especially with the interaction between c!Dream and c!tommy. CC!Tommy has stated multiple times that he hates c!dream so I think he’s going somewhere with this that won’t end with the victim forgiving the abuser. I’m okay with waiting it out to see how it goes since I believe it won’t end that way but obviously if you need to step away it’s fine. Put yourself first and don’t let anyone tell you you are overreacting

Everything else though? I feel people have forgotten the roots of this server. It was never meant to be a roleplay, much less explode into such popularity. It’s no wonder its a mess, there was no plan to any of this. The streamers had to learn as they went and then the demand for lore just got higher and higher and higher. People started complaining about the long breaks. People wanted quality AND quantity at the same time. So of course the streamers become stressed.

Everyone says they miss the simple goofy improv from the earliest days but then turn around and get mad when the storyline doesn’t follow a Hollywood budget movie. You wonder why streamers are scared of lore? It’s you guys.

This new server allows the streamers to not be stressed anymore. A lot of them are getting the clean slate they wanted and the chance to just breath for once. I for one cant wait to see Season 2 finally allow the streamers to do what they want now that they understand the ropes.

With that being said, see you guys in Season 2.

[dantelionwishes]

life is full of ups and downs downs downs downs dow

loredump under the cut. not kidding when I say its gonna be long!

oh shit you actually clicked keep reading thank you for your interest 😭😭😭

YOU KNOW THE DRILL tw // suggestive dont read ahead if youre uncomfortable with the topic of aphrodisiacs! 

MIDDLE SCHOOL 

before anything, I gotta explain he was born to parents who had an infatuation quirk (makes them hardcore fall in love with you) and an infection quirk (transmits a virus via saliva)  

developed his quirk late, since they usually get it by the time kids are four 

most people knew him as quirkless before the first incident 

in middle school, his class was preparing for a school play, he and his classmate got cast as the main lead prince and princess 

coincidentally, they both had a crush on each other and had a scene where they kissed

technically they weren’t supposed to, since its just a play, but one time they were practicing in private and wanted to try kissing “for real”

so they shared a super giggly cute middle school first kiss but well UNFORTUNATELY FOR HIM HIS QUIRK HAD WELL DEVELOPED– 

BADABING BADABOOM YOU HAVE AN IMAGINATION USE IT

the only way for the quirk’s effects to go away is to come at least once or pleasuring yourself until it goes away

I DO NOT WANT TO IMAGINE IT BUT. IMAGINE BEING A TEACHER AND FINDING A MIDDLE SCHOOLER WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING TO HER AND AN ADULT IS FORCED TO TELL HER HOW TO MAKE IT GO AWAY LLLLIKE–

rip now that I’m thinking abt it, I don’t even think anybody would even kNOW HOW TO MAKE IT GO AWAY so lets imagine she painfully stays that way until they figure out how to make it stop :^(

there’s a big fight that happens between the teachers, principal, and parents of both parties 

of course the crush’s parents got mad and called their kid a fuckin uhhhhh sexual predator or some shit despite also beING THE SAME AGE AND NOT EVEN KNOWING ABT HIS OWN QUIRK LIKE HELLLO

obviously an incident like this is going to spread like wildfire but the principal does not want something like this to leak, especially since it was not on purpose and was a total accident 

the other kid’s parents and some teachers did not feel comfortable however, and sato was forced to drop out

but not wanting to spread the gossip about their son’s quirk and the incident, they leave the town and move someplace else

thankfully, the principal gives the sato family his good grades and a recommendation to a decent highschool for the trouble

they’re originally from osaka, but moved to tokyo 

this is where they start taking precautions with sato, basically teaching him to be careful with his saliva 

it was easily taught and learned esp since the mom was already like that around him and others everyday anyway!! she has to take care of her saliva-based infection quirk, after all 

HIGH SCHOOL

he got enrolled into a regular highschool in tokyo

no hero course, no support course, no business, just a regular ol’ school

if before, he loved surrounding himself with people, this was where he was forced to develop a lonely disposition to protect himself and others

at least his parents were very protective and supportive of him and they were generally a happy family!

but in school, pretending to be quirkless was just as difficult, getting bullied or pitied for having no special abilities 

his excuse for wearing a mask all the time was because his mother had a virus-related quirk, and had to be careful 

one day his dad was suddenly got really, really sick

the more he had an excuse to wear a mask because he didnt want to get whatever disease his father started to develop 

sato started thinking it could be his mother (but why?) the results didn’t say anything about an unknown virus killing him (which is his mom’s quirk), and that his father really did contract a strong yet very normal disease 

while on his second year in highschool, his father, yozo sato, died 

apparently, without him knowing anything about his parents, his mother, oba sato, was actually under the dad’s infatuation quirk this whole time

she realised she wasn’t really in love with him when oba had accidentally allowed a drop of her saliva to fall into the meal she was making him, making him sick, and therefore making him weak enough to deactivate his quirk on her 

oba, back in her college years, wanted to marry someone else but yozo, who had a crush on her wanted her to himself, used his quirk to make him fall in love with her 

so in revenge for making her put up with him all these years to the point of marriage and having a kid, she continued to do this to his food 

her quirk doesn’t make anybody sick enough to die, but it made her husband’s immune system weak enough to the point that it contracted a real, serious disease which he ended up dying from instead 

sato only finds out the real story when he graduates from highschool, days right after his graduation the mom confesses it all 

she does say she truly loves him, but can’t stay around him knowing he was technically “unconsensual love”

sato gets reminded of what his quirk does, and true enough, that’s what him and his quirk turned out to be (a sick combination of his mom and his dad) 

they cant bear to be around each other after that revelation and decide to just not see each other again 

COLLEGE YEARS

he enrolls into an education course, inspired by the kind principal who helped him finish his middleschool-highschool education when it all started going downhill 

sato struggles paying for his college fees esp since he doesn’t exactly have his parents supporting him anymore, nor any contact with immediate family 

he has a lot of part time jobs that go all around the clock, he continues pretending to be quirkless so he gets bullied, and has to deal with all that emotional baggage plus being alone so…….clearly my man is TIRED as hell 

his side job hustles include: convenience store cashier, bookstore attendant, bar bouncer, and rookie gym trainer (he went to the local gym long enough for him to get recommended a job as a trainer)

college was that point where he starts developing a hardcore yearning for a companion because oh my god hes so lonELY (but cant)

ANYWAY SO

there’s this bully guy who always picks on him in college (for being “quirkless” and a loner and overall a fuckin weirdo with a mask)

tbh sato doesnt really give a shit he’s so used to it but he doesnt have his mother as an excuse to wear the mask anymore, this is where he starts forming the “I have bad breath” excuse 

“口臭い” (kuchi kusai) translates to “bad breath” or “stinky mouth” so sato unlovingly gets nicknamed “kusato”

one day he’s walking around the campus at night and finds the bully with his gang cornering another quirkless student, with plans of assaulting her 

sato was never the hero type, and was about to ignore the commotion as to not get involved, but something in him moved on its own and he found himself face to face with the gang 

he confronts them, but the bully mocks both him and the girl for not having powers to stop them anyway 

SIKE BITCH sato’s able to easily strike the other two guys, knock them off their feet enough to be able to tug the to-be victim aside, telling her to report them, before asking her to run away as fast as she can

none of the guys want that (they’re all students) so they have a full on brawl (and this isnt hero academy, its a totally normal university so I wouldn’t assume these guys had very impressive quirks)

except the main bully actually has a pretty decent quirk (he’s like a kinda half human half dragon with sharp claws, scales, and dragon eyes) and gets to injure sato with his sharp claws, seriously injuring his face

a part of his ear is also sort of sliced off, which is how his mask gets accidentally removed in the process 

the dragon bully grabs him by the collar and starts angrily shouting at him for ruining his night, being able to do all this shit without a quirk and all and all other derogatory speech 

“Well? what do you have to say for yourself?!“ 

Sato stays silent before spitting right into the bully’s mouth 

The bully drops him immediately, about to angrily fuck him up for doing something super fucking gross but WHOOP WHOOP YOU KNOW WHATS BOUTTA HAPPEN the quirk works immediately and the bully is a TOTAL MESS on the ground 

Im going to TLDR this part cos its…obviously nsfw but like: sato fully embarrasses him in public (beside the bully’s two colleges nonetheless) 

sato stays in the hospital for some time to heal from his wounds 

fortunately, afterwards, the bullies all get expelled 

unfortunately for sato, he also gets expelled for engaging in bad behaviour, and the bully did say what happened to him (and the college principal did not want his…dangerous quirk on campus) so as to lower any incident, all four were expelled 

at least without having to pay for college fees anymore, he could fully focus on paying for food, shelter, and clothes 

minus of course the hospital bills needed to pay plus he got a sick ass scar from it anyway HAHAHAHA BSDJHJRHDHF

ADULT LIFE

he had a lot of jobs here and there, but was more or less doing best as a trainer at a local gym where people weren’t allowed to use their quirks and strengthen their body regularly 

a few years went by and he eventually shrugged off everything that happened in his final college years but one day someone familiar walked into the gym! It was the fellow college student he saved!!!

she became a policewoman who wanted to get stronger in this quirkless friendly gym and hadn’t given up on her dreams of being a “hero,” inspired by how sato saved her that day

sato never really saw himself as some hero, he was left many nights alone thinking about how easily he could become a villain with his quirk, so hearing that really made him happy 

he trains her as her gym coach and she eventually asks him to join her patrol this small part of the city from a gang that was currently going around doing crimes since he’s good at it anyway, saying she could use some extra hands hehe

so yeah!! he does this side gig with her where he patrols alongside her looking for gang crimes and such c:

AND ONE DAY. [WISTFUL SIGH] ONE DAY. HE FINDS SOMEBODY GETTING MUGGED BY A GANG MEMBER AND SAVES………A CERTAIN MAN–

thank you for reading all the way here!!!

feel free to ask for questions or for any clarifications 😭😭😭!!!!!!

[sasukelore]

Cockwarming with with todorki and bakugou? I love your work. -🧠

Summary ↳ NSFW, Some of the BNHA boys like to be kept warm. Cockwarming ensues.

Authors note ↳ Weewww another bnha hc? Yes. Don’t worry I haven’t forgotten about Naruto. I’ve been meaning to write these kinda hcs for months now, so I thought ‘why not go all out?’. I added Dabi and Hawks into the mix! Hope it’ll add some extra sizzle ✨ also for some reason the character headers are saying they’re explicit idkw LMAO I hope that doesn’t cause any problems or confusion!

Character(s) ↳ Dabi Todoroki Touya , Bakugou Katsuki, Todoroki Shouto, Keigo Takami.

Warnings ↳ NSFW. Mentions of genitals, intercourse, kinky, cockwarming, degration.

Bakugou definitely uses cockwarming to tease and put you in your place. But that’s not to say he wouldn’t enjoy it... In fact, he might even overreact, just to see you writhe and whine still on his hardened member.

Move and you’re getting your head pushed into the pillows, a string of curses about how you should’ve listened to him, and that you don’t even deserve what happens next falling from Bakugou’s mouth

Bakugou can be rough as shown above, but he’s very attentive. If he sees you becoming too overstimulated, to where it doesn’t even feel good anymore, he might be a little concerned you’re really not enjoying yourself

He might try to vanilla things if that happens, if only just a little bit.

If you try to casually sink onto him, he’ll complain about what a brat you are sure, but his hands gripping your waist tells you something else

Bakugou loathes when you think you’ve gotten one over on him. Don’t go thinking you’re better than him, stubborn Baku will bite back a raspy groan just for that- Which is exactly what you want not to happen

His little noises have your legs twitching and the slick of your arousal running down your thighs, right down onto his.

He knows what it does to you, and that’s one of the ways he’ll take back control in the situation.

Your hips will be unexpectedly jerking, because fuck, he’s got his hand around your little throat, telling you to shut up, and that he thought you were suppose to be teasing him. You weren’t doing a very good job were you?

He’s boisterously laughing at you. Bakugou your superiority complex is showing 😌😩

But all of a sudden he’s mad at you, because yeah you’re really hot on top of him like this...

Huffing and puffing. He doesn’t want you to get off but he doesn’t wanna fuck you just yet. Just wants to savor the moment for a little while

It’ll be up to you to recognize that, and to rest your head on his shoulder, nails lightly scratching his biceps

Overall, the experience will bring out the bipolar in Bakugou. You never know what you’re gonna get with this man, but I cant say that any of the consequences will have you regretting anything.

Oh. Boy. Will tease you until the day you die.

Dabi would be very amused at you, if you initiated. He’d definitely indulge you, letting you take this as far as you planned.

Don’t take advantage of his graciousness though. The atmosphere can change in an second, and Dabi will have you pinned instead.

But it’s not like he would move or anything... No, you started the game and he wants to play it out.

Oh but you wanna cum? Bad girls don’t get to, but he supposes he can make an exception. Only if you do what he says though.

Dabi’s sweet condescending demeanor frenzies little whimpers to vibrate your throat and move your sweet pretty lips

You’re practically apologizing to this man? Intimidation is radiating of his scarred skin and you’re practically shaking. Which of course, only eggs his attitude on further

Dabi is definitely a clit player. Loves to lazily flick your click right to left back and forth. He’ll do it until you’re overstimulated and until you have tears in your eyes.

Dabi will get aggressive if you relentlessly disrupt the peace by rolling your hips.

Tugging your head by your hair and pulling roughly, all while he has a bored look on his face. He’s unfazed by your brattiness.

Be prepared for warnings, because he’s using his quirk to amplify the pain when he slaps your ass.

It’s really up to you, A have purple burn marks for a couple of weeks, or B, be a good little girl and stay still. Who knew it would be this hard

He’ll love to drawl out his little pet names for you, straight into your ear. Making sure it’s more breathy than normal, you’ll make out doll and sugar emitting from his scarred chapped lips

Shouto is the only one who uses cockwarming casually on a regular basis. While studying, working, maybe even eating, as you fall asleep, etc

He’s so touched starved, he borderline obsesses over wanting you so intimately close to him.

Don’t get me wrong, Shouto respects your space. But if you don’t stop him, he’s pulling you right in front of his lap, and gestures to get on. And who would deny him seriously 😭

He’s so soft. His arms are wrapped around your torso, and his cheek is being nuzzled into your neck

Expect him to be extra extra gentle with you. Kissing your forehead and lightly humming a nursery rhyme

Yeah, really only likes it because of how close he’s able to get to you.

He won’t ever use it as a punISHment or to tease, because of how much he genuinely likes it.

This baby gets so pure istg. He’ll rub your back and ask you about your day, how pretty you look, or if you’re hungry

But sometimes this does lead to actual sex, because he mind as well right?

His mouth opens with a low moan, and if you look closely you can see drool slipping from the corners of his lips

And if you’re falling asleep on him he’ll grasp your hips to grind down on him, just to keep you awake

Shouto is literally the most blunt person when it comes to asking you. Has no shame. Might even ask you in public if you wanna sit on him when you get home

Your back will be arching for this man as he takes your hardened buds on your chest, and delicately swirls his wet tongue in circles.

He lovesss to experiment with it. Making every move he can, just to see the pretty faces you make in reaction.

Love bites will be sprawled out all over your chest and shoulders and collar bones. He won’t get tired of it at all.

The problem with him, is that he will literally try to stick his dick in you anywhere and everywhere.

Don’t sit on his lap in public.... literally don’t. He knows what he’s doing too.The thought of someone seeing you being filled up gives him a sloppy smile and a sadistic laugh.

He’s definitely more of a gentle teaser, but he loves giving his little bird praises as you cry out his name and beg for him to move

“But that defeats the whole purpose? Have some patience for me, ok baby bird?” he says with a smile on his face, seeming unbothered. But his cock is twitching inside of you and his breath is raspy and without rhythm

Lowkey, he doesn’t take you seriously! You’re just so damn cute! Keigo teases you about it regularly. His little play thing, all nice and ready for him.

He pats your head with an endearing smile as you, whine about how he’s not being fair, and how he’s being mean. And to do something already.

He’ll focus on your doughy walls and groan at the warmness throbbing on his cock. He’ll pinch your clit, might even slap it, making you clench and unclench around him

And even after you both finish, he still remains inside of you as his places sloppy kisses all over your shoulders and neck

He’s the biggest tease here and he’ll never give you a break. He’s such a sadist with you, but he knows you love it.

He knows how much you like him calling you baby bird, a song bird, an endearing ‘nugget’ (which will make you giggle)

He’ll use his feathers to send shivers through your body. Feathering your nipples, playing with your hair and brushing it behind your ear. He’ll make them so they won’t even leave you alone, always there, even if it’s annoying you.

Sometimes he’ll get really personal when you’re with him, on him. He’ll say in a faint voice how you make him feel alive, how much he loves you in much more fainter tone. It’s almost a whisper as he traces little shapes onto the lower of your back.

He’ll get super serious when he’s on the verge of sleep. Being with you like this calms him.

[spicebowl]

this post can and will be triggering for those struggling with eating. i will tag it accordingly, please inform me if i missed anything.

i am now roughly 2 or 3 years into recovery from anorexia and bulimia. but i still have an eating disorder.

when i take the sweet you offer me jokingly, and you dont see me eat it, know that i did! i ate half later. i couldnt bring mysrlf to eat more. it was enough to eat half.

my dog helps me hide it from myself and only on the rare occasion do i realize what it means when i give her the last bites of my food. food that used to sit on the plate, daring me to take another bite, waiting to be dumped in the garbage. habits that reformed into something healthier.

i dont think about qhat it means that i dont eat breakfast. i love breakfast food, but i havent eaten breakfast in years. i feel wrong when i do, like its admitting defeat eating that early. it does not weigh on my mind that i regularly eat maybe one meal.

i do not run, because of the damage all the malnourishment did to my joints. i cant run more than a few feet without rolling my ankles.

i do not work out at all, because i used to work out till i could not see and tasted copper in my mouth. running myself ragged till the point of hip damage. i do not exercise anymore because i love it, im addicted to it, and if i let it it will kill me

when i am hungry, my stomach does not growl. it knows i am still addicted to the feeling. instead my head pounds, my joints ache, my breathing shallows, like my body has resorted to burning anything it can for fuel to hold out till i eat again.

and i will eat again. i eat now and i find its enjoyable. food doesnt coat my mouth like ash anymore. i dont think about eating beyond what my body needs to survive, for fear of relapsing. i am no longer starving but i am never full.

i am 2 or 3 years into my recovery. but i will always have an eating disorder. and its okay and ill eat again tomorrow.

[5uptic]

crewfu: fanfic spotlight!

We work together by Anonymous (5up & DK, unrated, gen | 248 words)

Summary: One likes plants and baking, the other loves to create and design video games. They stay up and create monstrosities together, it's their fun, it's their favourite game. Aka a 5up and Dk roommate au!

No matter how life tangles, I’m still here with you. by hungryandsleepy (5up/Steve, general rating, m/m | 279 words)

Summary: 5up has been working so hard on his new map, and of course, he needs someone to give him a motivation to go to sleep.

objectively pretty by vesque (5up/Steve, general rating, m/m | 462 words)

Summary: steve is drunk. he's pretty sure 5up is too. that doesn't mean being called pretty is any less momentuous.

you plus me by mangoedges (5up/Steve, teen rating, m/m | 489 words)

Summary: 5up and Steve meet.

he said to me by mangoedges (5up/Steve, teen rating, m/m | 656 words)

Summary: 5up and Steve share a moment.

by the snowmen by mangoedges (5up/Steve, teen rating, m/m | 670 words)

Summary: Steve has a moment when it's all over.

today you got to know me (a little bit too slowly) by runninohhoney (5up/Steve, teen rating, m/m | 675 words)

Summary: Steve lights up a cigarette. 5up doesn't smoke.

what would it take by mangoedges (5up/Steve, teen rating, m/m | 787 words)

Summary: It's Steve's first mission. He hecks up. Or does he?

sorta cute by floweruru (5up/Steve, unrated, m/m | 822 words)

Summary: ‘I wouldn’t do that,’ he said. ‘That’s just disrespectful,’ he said. Yet there was 5up, crushed like a can in Steve’s embrace, feebly kicking at nothing as his feet leave the pavement.

i was gonna kill u, but ur kinda cute?? by Cthulhuer (5up/Steve, general rating, m/m | 1k words)

Summary: Steve is a mess and 5up is worse.

I hear a Symphony by AwkwardAce (5up/Fundy, unrated, m/m | 1.1k words)

Summary: He exhaled until his lungs ached for air, fingers twitching as he opted to remove the sleek white gloves he wore in a feeble effort to soothe himself. It didn’t work. He wrung his trembling hands together as his eyes raked down the worn leather case taking in the doodles- some etched some drawn- across the faded surface. He snapped the buckles open and his breath hitched, catching in his already tight throat. For a moment the world span, his head throbbed and he wanted nothing more than to run and hide. 5up breathed out slowly, shakily.

staring by lytriis (5up/Steve, teen rating, m/m | 1.1k words)

Summary: steve asks 5up out. 5up doesn’t know how to respond.

and it's four am, and yet, you're here by vesque (5up/Steve, general rating, m/m | 1.2k words)

Summary: in which steve shows up at 5up's house, in the middle of the night, completely spontaneously

more than this by mangoedges (5up/Steve, teen rating, m/m | 1.2k words)

Summary: Steve catches 5up venting.

3:15 by vesque (5up/Steve, general rating, m/m | 1.2k words)

Summary: Steve tries to guess Five's name. It's much more difficult than he anticipated.

things were different by fourpebbles (Apollo/Steve, teen rating, m/m | 1.5k words)

Summary: His eyes circled around to his friends, Kimi and Janet engaging in pleasant comversation, sleepy and becoming increasingly more sober. He looked, finally, across him, and caught Dumbdog staring at him. What now bro, what did this guy want. small talk, turns into not small talk, then there's no talk

Once Upon A Dream by SmearedWords (5up/Steve, teen rating, m/m | 1.5k words)

Summary: 5up looks ethereal, while Steve is struggling to breathe. "You're not real either." Or: Steve has a crush and a nightmare in three parts, 5up is tired, the crew life is hard and Polus sucks.

the ones you love will call you back by homeward_bound (Apollo/Steve, teen rating, m/m | 1.8k words)

Summary: stevesuptic: dude, is it weird that i miss vegas   DumbDog: No? I do too.   stevesuptic: okay [steve misses vegas and apollo. they talk about it]

cough it out by cj__writes (Apollo/Steve, teen rating, m/m | 2k words)

Summary: Apollo thinks that Steve must be well and truly gone, at this point, because he giggles, like Apollo’s just told a particularly funny joke. He looks Apollo right in the eye and asks, “Do you trust me?” “Absolutely not.”

ivy by Secular_Czar (5up/Steve, teen rating, gen | 2.1k words)

Summary: It might be a sad day, in general, but Steve isn't about to let it get to him. His friends won't ever let him wallow either.

The Colosseum by WhenTheFogClears (general rating, gen | 2.1k words)

Summary: Five squinted, looking at the colosseum intensely. He thinks Apollo was latched onto the sphinx’s shoulder, fur matted with blood. Janet was slumped against a column, probably out, with Kimi whose bow was snapped in two, her leg twisted at an odd angle. DK was in the corner trying to cast various supporting hexes and charms with a broken arm, whilst Hafu was dragging a heavily bandaged Steve away. or 5up slaughters a cat

Oneshots :) by woofles1990 (5up/Fundy, 5up/Steve, teen rating, multi | 2.5k words, oneshot collection)

Summary: Just a bunch of MCYT/Among Us oneshots, mainly featuring 5up's crew because yes :)

the adventures of 5up and steve staying up late because they're under 30 by 5280ft (5up/Steve, teen rating, m/m | 2.5k words)

Summary: “The night is young!” Steve yells at the ceiling, throwing his hands up in the air. “Take advantage of it! Commit crimes! Fuck hoes!” Five catches his hands in the air and laughs. “You wish you had hoes.”

unreasonably in love by cj__writes (Apollo/Steve, teen rating, m/m | 2.6k words, chaptered WIP)

Summary: "It was like pieces of a puzzle, everything coming together. And now, here they are, standing in their apartment, which looks more like a hollow shell than a home, filled solely with scattered boxes and the minuscule amount of furniture that they brought with them to Vegas." Or: what happens after Apollo and Steve move in together.

cant be love by fourpebbles (Apollo/Steve, teen rating, m/m | 3.5 words, chaptered WIP)

Summary: He had chuckled to himself, he felt so stupid. Who in their fucking minds names a playlist 'sugr?', he thought, internally cringing. A story where a Steve meets an Apollo, and some things happen.

Somewhere in the darkness, us together for a while by tumtummeke (Apollo & Kimi & Steve, teen rating, gen | 3.6k words)

Summary: Apollo worries about Steve. Steve breaks his vape pen. Kimi plays power washer. Self-indulgent angst, with a generous helping of friendship and cuddles.

odyssey by 5280ft (5up/Steve, teen rating, m/m | 23k words, chaptered WIP)

Summary: "First you will come to the Sirens who enchant all who come near them. If any one unwarily draws in too close and hears the singing of the Sirens...they warble him to death with the sweetness of their song. Therefore pass these Sirens by and stop your men's ears with wax that none of them may hear." -Homer, The Odyssey

Also: SilverSprinklez10‘s yupwaves collection.

Summary: This is a Harry Potter AU based on the characters/personas of the youtubers/streamers.

FAQ:

Wait what is this: pretty straight to the point! i’ll regularly share crewfu-related fanfictions to this blog :)

How regularly is “regularly”?: great question! LOL. it depends on the flow of fanfics that get uploaded, which i do not have any control over, but i’m looking forward to do this twice a month. after all, it’s only me doing this and i often run on a tight schedule.

What’s the format like?:

[title of fic with link] by [author of the fic with link] ([main pairing(s), if there is one/multiple], [fic rating: eg, general rating], [relationship: eg, m/m] | [word count in k] ([added prompt to specify if it’s complete or not)])

Summary: [summary provided by the author. if it doesn’t have a summary, a “No summary” prompt will be put instead]

(What does WIP mean again?): Work In Progress :)

Why are you doing this?: from the beginning, my blog has hosted conversations about RPF (real people fiction) and crewfu pairings. this has evolved into people sending me updates about certain fics in the crewfu tags every now and then, but i wanna take the next step and just do these things myself. after all, i’m already lurking in the tags often to see the fics that get posted. as someone who is both a writer and a reader, i wanna appreciate fanfic writers and help out other people that want to read fanfic and consume more fandom content!

Will it be AO3 only?: well, ao3 has a very helpful tag system that makes finding fics incredibly easy, as well as allowing people with no accounts to like and comment on fics, so that’s the site i will personally look in for fanworks. but if there are any fics you’ve written or liked in any other platforms, such as wattpad, you can always contact me through my inbox (send an ask or a dm!), and i’ll make sure to include for the next fanfic spotlight :)

Does it mean you won’t reply to fic asks anymore?: yeah, i guess. since i’ll be doing the searching myself it seems counterproductive. but if i ever skip a fic or again, it’s in another platform, or you’ve posted/read the fic a while ago and you want to get more traction on it, hit me up and i’ll take it into consideration!

Will you read every single one of the fics on your list?: oh no. again, i run on a tight schedule, and also i have my own taste when it comes to fics. i won’t be reviewing fics or any of the sort, and my intention extends to simply sharing these fics to this page so people will have easier access to them :) that’s where ao3 tagging becomes SUPER useful!!!

So what’s the criteria for the way you’ll sort out the fics in your list?: word count, going from lowest to highest. in case of fics in other platforms, i guess i’ll put them at the top of the list. i’ll also be looking for fairly recent fics, so let me know if you want any old-ish fic to be included.

I see you talking mostly about 5up/Steve and Steve/Apollo. Can I still send/see other crewfu fics?: why yes absolutely! my goal is to push every fic which heavily features regular crewfu characters - 5uptic and supdog just happen to be very popular pairings. so, to give you a list: core 4 (5up, hafu, dk, steve), apollo, aipha, annie, janet, kimi, ellum, koji... you know the drill. it doesn’t have to be centered on a relationship, or about 5up in specific, etc. my only requirement is that any of the previously mentioned members are a central part of the fic or are HEAVILY featured in it (sorry, minecraft fics with 50+ tags who only mention 5up as an afterthought won’t make the cut :/).

Isn’t shipping Bad™?: well, it’s a little more nuanced than that. i will go out of my way to discourage and shame people who often violate CCs’ boundaries by acting like so and so has a crush on this person, or that this and that are Actually Into Each Other or secretly dating. any sort of tinhat bullshit is a big nono (think larries). but i run on the assumption that people who write rpf understand that what they’re doing is simply write a completely fictional story using real life personalities, and understand the boundaries necessary to do it - aka they’re not tinhats, they understand they can’t assume everything about CCs’ thoughts and personalities, they understand that what they’re writing is strictly fiction, they keep these works only in fandom circles, etc. (but again, it’s only one me doing this, so please be kind if i don’t happen to know that this person is Actually a tinhat or whatever).

show fic: NO. (seriously. i don’t feel comfortable putting my ao3 account out there. please respect my privacy on these trying times <3)

I REALLY don’t care about your rpf/fic talk: fair! i’ll be tagging every single one of these posts as “fanfic spotlight”, so just mute the tag using tumblr settings so you’ll never have to look at these! likewise, you can follow the tag if you want to keep up with it, or search it on my blog to look at the other entries you might have missed (but this is the first one! lol).

Hey, my fic is here and I don’t feel comfortable with it being shared over here: no problem! let me know as soon as you can and i’ll take it down <3

[arllenn]

Staring down at Ruri- no Chime is his name, before you, you can help but feel tired. None of this is making any sense it’s all too much at once.

Bonderev, one of the dickheads behind what happened at black swan bay, had apparently been alive and living well enough to the point where he could give lessons on morality in his final moments. Imagine that! HIM a man who BLEW UP an ORPHANAGE and who had personally shot you and Renata, what he persumed to be, dead! And he had the nerve to ask you to, no- TELL you to protect his son, to not let his actions get in the way of YOU PROTECTING his SON! You’re so frustrated to the point where you’re not sure if you want to burst out into maniacal laughter, break down and cry or just destroy everything in your sight the same way that dickhead had done to you and your family all those years ago.

He had gotten everything and more. A family, a happy life, power and he was freed from all the consequences of his actions. So what about you what did you get? A permanent fear of trusting anyone because “hey I’ve already been used as a genetic experiment by the man I considered a father who then proceeded to blow me, everyone and everything I’ve ever loved to kingdom come! But sure thing nice stranger who I just met let’s be besties!” Makes so much sense. Oh, oh! What about stealing years away from your life! 20 to be exact, man you could’ve been married, had a family, gone to the capital and achieved everything you had wanted to! But no instead what you’re doing is standing here, the same 18 year old who couldn’t do anything to save your friends, your family, as you watched them die in front of you. You’re the person who even in her last moments Renata had to look after and protect. And wow doesn’t that smart, doesn’t it hurt to look down at Chime to see how weak he is, with a voice that trembles and eyes that seem one glare away from overflowing with tears, doesn’t it hurt to look at him and see the worst parts of yourself reflected back at you? The parts you wanted to bury so deep down inside that they’d be forgotten by even you. But here they are, loud and angry and demanding your attention.

Your throat closes in on itself, the hand on your hip tightens. It’s a painful squeeze that’s only purpose is to remind you that, no you can’t cry here, you can’t let anyone see you like that, you cant let yourself be like that, not here. Not in front of people who you should know, who you should trust but who you don't You've spent more time running around for them then with them. It's mean and the ugly cloying feeling that rises up from your chest makes you look back at your relationship with 'your' uperclassmen. Were you even close enough to be called comrades? friends? Most of the time it felt like you were just there. A living phone running to deliver messages from one of them to another. Running errands, throwing yourself into danger or just escaping death for what? People who, people who you- people who you... what even are they to you? Right now your upperclassmen feel miles away from you, both emotionally and physically.

Your nails were starting to dig into your skin in a way that was more then painful. You could feel the moment the skin on both your hip and the palm of your other hand broke. Pulling your lip in between your teeth you try and tune back into the conversation waiting for the right words, for your upperclassmen to throw another request at you so that you can leave, preferably go outside and beat the shit out of one of the trash cans out back before running off into danger once again to fulfill their orders like you always did. And wow, isn’t that something... even now, even now, you’re still just blindly following people’s orders, never asking questions, never saying no. What... what is wrong with you? Hadn’t you learned your lesson already? Hadn't you learned after Herzog that you don't, you can't, just do that. Last time you did that you grabbed onto a rotten rope, a horribly, disgustingly, rotten rope.

"Promsing to protect somebody so recklessly is a foolish thing... nevertheless... thank you." Chime's retelling of his life comes to an end at a convient time. It's perfect really, and so you take that moment, the lull after his thanks, to leave.

You walk out into the lobby of Takamagahara the slow calming jazz music a horrible contrast to the thoughts and feelings that are swirling inside you right now. You make it two-thirds of the way to the bar when you're met with an extremely unpleasnt sight that has you cringing for more reasons then one.

Crow and Yasha are sitting the bar, resting most of their belegirantlty drunk weight on the actual contertop instead of on their chairs. They're demanding extra achoul, Crow shouting about how he can't take something anymore who knows what. And yikes heres a thought, Chime Gen is in the VIP room right behind them, those two who, even if they are drunk out of their minds, are Chisei's aides. They find Chime or even gain the smallest inkling of an idea that he may be here and you'll have more to worry about then cleaning up the counters from their drunk cry fest. Normally you'd step in here, and take over for Quinton the poor bartender on duty who always seemed to get the worst of the costumers but you really aren't feeling up to it today.

Just as you're about to turn around to give the trashcans outside the beatings of their lives Crow says something that you can't help but stop at. "You know I like Sakura don't you?" It was a question directed at Yasha who was only able to groan out what he thought was a response. You debate staying for a second. This isn't something that you particularly care about, nor is it something that really concerns you. But it just, you just want to know a little bit more about what Sakura was like before she became another one of Herzog's victims. Its with that flimsy excuse and the puppy dog look that Quinton gives you once he notices you're there that has you stepping closer, leaning against one of the pillars that trap the bar in its own seprate space.

As Crow continues to slur his feelings out Yasha seems to sober up a bit, it's not by much but its to the point where you're no longer worried about him getting into a bar fight, more just what taxi service to call for him when he inevetably passes out and where to send him afterwards.

Yasha leans over the bar apparently ready to give Crow some type of advice when the following happens. 1) he trips and stumbles over his words "Don't.. Don't worry. We are brothers. I... will never... mock you." sweet right? It would've been if not for 2) The fact that he lurches over its a face you recgonize all too well.

"Quinton get out of the-" 3) Yasha hurls all over Quinton, your words left to hang just as Yasha's icky face goop is left to hang off of Quinton. And now you're royally pissed. Sure you were pissed before but this is the type of rage that can only be quelled by you being left alone to stew in it. Its not the emotional type of rage that you felt earlier when you wanted to smash every glass surface you came across no this is the cold type of rage that leaves nothing but apathy in its wake. because as much as you've been trying to ignore it theres so much more that you had been trying to ignore, so much more that had been pushed to the wayside that you're angry about. You look up at Quinton whose looking at you like a lost kid in a mall that had mistaken you for their mother. Running a rand through your hair you harshly scratch at your scalp. "Quinton," you let out a frustrated sigh, "Take the rest of the night off, you'll be paid regularly and you can take extra pay if you wake up sick tommorrow." You turn to him and start to walk behind the counter switching places with him.

“Right thanks a bunch, manager." He rushes out. Turing towards the staff area most likely to change into his extra uniform instead of going home covered in puke. Staring down at Yasha's mess which was covering most of his area of the counter as well as the floor under his chair your annoyance hit an all new peak. It's not the chunky kind of throw up that can be easily cleaned up, its a mush that resembles watery baby food. It's obvious that this wont be a quick clean and that both mops and floor wipes are just going to push this stuff around instead of soaking it up.

Today just can't get any worse can it? Pushing your hand back into your head you aggitatedly rubbed at your scalp, pushing and pulling at the skin there. You’re pissed off. To come back after fighting against Herzog, let’s not forget HERZOG WAS THERE TOO! HE WAS THERE, HE WAS THERE LIVING AND BREATHING, AFTER ALL THAT HE HAD DONE, HE HAD THE NERVE TO GET UP ON THE PEDESTAL THAT HE HAD CONSTRUCTED, DESIGNED AND BUILT HIMSELF THROUGH EXPLOITING THE INNOCENT TO TEST HIS FREAKY DRAGON DRUGS ON, HE HAD THE NERVE TO TALK DOWN TO YOU! ACT LIKE YOU WERE STUPID OR SOME KIND OF PREDETERMINED FAILURE! You get back from that battle exhausted , emotionally drained, and wanting to destroy yourself to find Finger leisurly drinking with Humpback! After you thought that he died you thought that you had lost another person, only for him to be there and fine. It was reliving yes, but just fucking horrible at the same time. So when you stare down at that mess and the first thing you see when you look up is the VIP room that the others are in you felt like you were justified in deciding that you would be acting on your tiredness and handing off this task to one of your upperclassmen like they do to you so often.

Actually you retract your earlier statement today can in fact get worst. Crow and Yasha have apparently had enough to drink both uncoordinatedly slamming down the money to pay for their drinks, you really don't care wether or not is correct you just want them gone, they BOTH step into Yasha's puke tracking it out the door with them. Yeah, no- you're not cleaning that up nope, nu uh, never. You blow out a heated breath and start to walk towards the VIP room careful to avoid all of the face mush on the floor. Pulling on the curtains that served as the door to enter you called out to the occupants.

"Right, sorry to ruin the fun but I just had two costumers who puked and tracked the throw-up everywhere so I need one of you to go out and clean it up preferably like," You looked down at your wrist as though you wore a watch. Truthfully it was just to hide the annoyed look on your face, "right now please." You glanced up at them Before clarifying "Chime I'm not asking you to clean it up, just focus on resting." Because as much as you wanted someone to clean that nonsense up right away you were also specially tuned into just how draining it could be to meet Herzog like that. "Cool thanks guys!" You clapped your hands together and prepared to leave the room when Luminous started complaining.

"Aw, come on no way newbie, I don't wanna clean something like that up!" He put his hand to the back of his head, a tick you had noticed he did when he was complaining, nervous or worried, "Come on can't you do it? You were already out there.." And there it was normally you would excuse that tone as just being something that made Luminous, well Luminous but today the whiny tone was grating on your ears and you were two steps away from man handling him like you used to with Anton when he was being uncooperative. The thought of him hurts. Witnessing his final moments, being there when they happened, it was both the same and different then the others. Sure you had watched all the others die but Anton's had always stuck with you in a way that was far too painful for someone who you really didn't like. And now the urge to cry was back, you felt your eyes burn with unshed tears that were a culmination of too many of your emotions to name.

Caesar brought a hand to rest on his chin tapping away at it, before he even got the chance to talk your anger had already started to peak "Luminous is right newbie, theres no reason for us to do it, you were already out there and knew the areas that needed to be cleaned. This just seems like a waste of both yours and our time." Yeah, yeah, you seriously contemplated grabbing Caesar by his ponytail and using him as a mop for a second.

"You just cleaning it up would've been more efficient." Johann unhelpfully chimed in. Yeah, maybe you would use Caesar as the mop and Johann as the counter rag.

"Yeah freshie! Everyone knows that newbies do all the grunt work, you can't expect us to do it can you?" Fingers nasally voice made you want to throttle him the more he continued to talk. Sure he may have meant it as a joke but you really weren't at the point of caring. In fact you couldn't care less about anything right now. The anger that had just been building had condensed into a vengeful apathy that demanded the souls of those around you.

Once again Caesar spoke this time however you decided to cut him off. "That's right newbie, using my authority as team leader I order you to-"

"Damn I kinda don't care," You said scratching at the back of your head in an obviously exaggerated way. "Yeah actually..." you started mimicking Caesar's earlier stance, "If you're invoking your team leader rights then I'm invoking my manager rights."

"Hey wait-" Luminous tried to interject.

"Yeah as your manager I order you all to have that throw-up cleaned within the next half an hour." A bit long of a time slot, sure, but really who cares as long as it gets done.

"No way newbie team leaders out rank managers, which means my order still stands." Caesar's stubbornness in this situation could be something to praise if not for the fact that a) you don't care and b) you're two steps away from bringing your thoughts of using him as a mop to fruition.

"Team leaders outrank managers when we're out on the field sure, but right now we're in Takamagahara not battling death servitors, which means your team leader status is moot." You made a slicing motion over your neck. "You may be the leader appointed by the college but right now that means nothing, were not fighting and this isn't reconnaissance, we're working."

"That doesn't change the fact that Caesar is team leader freshman." You can always count on Johann to speak up for what he believes in. Too bad you're not here to praise your upperclassmen but instead get them to work.

"Cool! And I'm still the manager. Right now you all are technically on the clock at Takamagahara which means what I say goes. Caesar may be the team leader and you may be my upperclassmen but that doesn't change the fact that right here right now what I say takes precedence in all matters that aren't dragon related because I'm the ma.ne.ger. " You smile your best costumer service smile and speak in the same tone that you do with costumers when you say this. Then you turn on your heel and walk out calling out behind you that "I expect to not wake up to puke covered floors in the morning! I'm going to bed good night."

And well if Finger chose not to comment on your behavior because he watched you break down in the elevator through the security cameras then that will remain with him. And if Caesar and Johann chose not to speak on it because they heard you sobbing from outside your room that night then thats something that stays between them. And if Luminous caught a glimpse of the empty look in your eyes that night when you left your room for water then he definitely held that as a close secret to his heart. Choosing not to comment on it. And if you noticed that your seniors were just a bit more gentle with you or asked for your input before sending you off on recon missions when they didn't before then you don't comment on it.