#i cant believe you motivated me to hop on to my blog just for a shitpost

[ask-leblanc]

yesss , let our queen reign over noxus >;3c 

@meme-queen-leblanc 

[tobi-smp]

Hey, hello, hi, you don't know me!

I'm anonymous cause my main blog is empty and I cant hop into an ask with a side block. But I read your C!Techno post about how he interprets his character and how that kind of clashes with the general lore and so on. In it you state that he misrepresented and mischaracterized what happened on the Tommy stream. I've never watched that stream. I started watching Dream SMP purely from Technos Pov, because I wanted to see more of the Funny Pig Man Who Farmed Potatoes, so I only started watching other peoples POVs way later down the line. Would you mind explaining what you mean by him misinterpreting and misrepresenting that stream? I'm not asking cause I disagree or wanna start a discussion, I'm just genuinely curious

- Fidget

context: [Link]

the first thing I do in that post is link to This post [Link], which is full of links to other posts I (and other people) made breaking down why techno's analysis of the situation is wrong! that's why I called it required reading, it put everything that I was saying in context ^^ I would Highly recommend digging through the posts in that link dump if you haven't already.

that said, here's another breakdown because I can't be stopped:

firstly, none of what he said addresses the Impact his actions had. canonically, tubbo was permanently scarred from this, physically And mentally. burn scars on his face and body, ptsd from the event itself. he has continuous nightmares about this, he's triggered by fireworks and by festivals, he projected his fear and anger and distrust onto quackity Despite quackity not wanting him to get hurt at the festival just because quackity had Been There. this even had a Profound impact on tubbo's long-term well being. to ignore that when discussing it is a mistake.

this is The Event that made technoblade a threat in the eyes of quackity and fundy as well. it featured heavily in the motivations behind the butcher army (quackity and fundy who were friends with tubbo and didn't want him to die, and tubbo who'd been killed). it was even brought up To Technoblade during the hog hunt event when they were asked Why they were doing this. so to have cc!techno not acknowledge it at All shows a clear lack of understanding behind the characters that are Extremely Important to his own character's arc and motivations.

secondly, cc!techno tried to present the situation as both c!tommy and tubbo trying to kill his character/put other characters in danger because they were made aware of wilbur's plan while he wasn't (particularly putting the onus on tubbo above wilbur and schlatt). this is, a very strange take if techno had just watched tommy's festival stream and even stranger in the entire context.

1: assuming for a second that cc!techno is right about the basic set up (that c!wilbur told tommy and tubbo about the plan for the festival while he didn't tell techno), his conclusion doesn't really make sense in context. wilbur explicitly told tubbo and tommy that technoblade was a part of the plan, that he had a specific role, Multiple Times. there was no Reason for either of them to believe that techno didn't already know and nothing about their streams indicated that they came to that conclusion, so the onus would be on Wilbur for lying to them under techno's version of events.

2: while it's Possible that there was a miscommunication behind the scenes back during the pogtopia era or it's just been long enough that cc!techno forgot, the idea that c!wilbur Would Have withheld this information and lied to the other two about it just, doesn't make sense from how his character was actually Played. this is the second post in the link dump [Link] which goes over quotes from wilbur that illustrate exactly what I mean.

he told tubbo and tommy that techno would be there to drop withers down after the blast (Fully indicating that he intended for Techno To Survive), while alone he indicated that Techno Was The Only Person Who Was Fully Receptive To The Plan and that this specifically meant that he Trusted him more, and on the day of the red festival techno Brought Withers and wilbur said outright “Techno, when I set it off next time, you ready to pop some withers in there as well?”

there is no way that wilbur played his character under the impression that he was meant to be withholding information from techno or lying to tubbo or tommy. which makes cc!techno insisting Otherwise a retcon of c!wilbur's intentions in a pretty severe way. obviously wilbur isn't doing the right thing right now, he's lashing out because of his own hurt but (like cc!techno says) when push comes to shove he doesn't Actually want to see anybody get hurt. he couldn't go through with it.

when schlatt used the chaos to target niki he jumped down with no armor and nothing but gravel in his pockets to try to save her because he thought she was next.

changing this to wilbur Lying to intentionally hurt the few people that he Trusts and feels safe with, particularly when cc!wilbur isn't here to defend himself (and the man missed c!dream escaping prison, he's not seeing this to defend himself), retroactively Worsens the perception of wilbur's character. which isn't really fair and isn't something that cc!techno has the authority to do.

3: putting the blame on tommy and tubbo Over wilbur (who set up the plan) and schlatt (who is the murderous dictator) feels, like he's intentionally trying to make their characters look Worse (changing the context so They're the ones victimizing His Character) to retroactively make c!techno hurting them look better.

tommy's entire arc in pogtopia was Defined by trying to prevent people from getting hurt. he didn't Want wilbur's plan, he didn't Want the tnt to go off, he didn't Want people to get hurt, and he told wilbur this much. but he didn't want to abandon wilbur either, didn't want to leave him alone when he was spiraling even if tommy didn't know how to help him, so he agreed to come under the condition that they'd be using the tnt as a Threat rather than blowing it up. that they'd Scare schlatt into stepping down from l'manberg. to claim that he wanted techno to get hurt in this moment is to miss essentially his core defining motivation as a character throughout the entire two month arc. it's actually impressive how off the mark it is.

during the actual execution itself tommy wanted nothing more than to jump in, he was only holding back because wilbur was reassuring him that techno was gonna save tubbo, he was literally Yelling for techno to kill schlatt. and the Moment that tubbo had been killed, the Moment he realized what'd happened, tommy pearled directly into the fray. he is an Incredibly emotionally driven character who would do anything to protect the people he cares about.

likewise, tubbo was the Victim in this situation. he didn't Want anybody to get hurt but he was working Directly under schlatt and knew exactly how bad he was. people who didn't watch any of the manberg povs might not realize this, but schlatt was Genuinely played as abusive to his entire cabinet party. this on top of a Laundry list of crimes (having wilbur shot and killed while he was being exiled from manberg, killing the wildlife around manberg to intentionally starve his people, taxing and hurting Niki In Particular because she stood up to him, etc).

tubbo's character is defined by self sacrifice, defined by weighing the pros and cons and accepting losses when it's necessary (like exiling tommy for instance, he Loved tommy but at the end of the day it was everyone in l'manberg vs one person no matter how much tubbo Wanted to make the selfish decision and save his best friend). at the core of this situation this was a 16 year old being actively abused by a dictator who had already killed and hurt people close to him, who was bad for everyone around him, and who wanted to hurt people even more. tubbo was Already risking his life to be a spy, and he knew this.

he still wasn't sure of himself, when he told the speech he intentionally Didn't say the code phrase until Schlatt pushed him to say more (calling him out for not finishing the speech), which is when he finally relented. to call this tubbo Intentionally trying to damn techno to death when Tubbo was the one on stage (closest of the four of them to the blast), when he'd been told techno knew and been reassured that techno was supposed to Survive, when he was scared and unsure, is a bit fucked up considering what it's being brought up to Excuse.

4: speaking of what it's being brought up to excuse. pretending for a second that the other three points didn't just happen, let's look at what techno's version of events actually does for his character.

so technoblade doesn't know that there's a plan to blow manberg up, he never learns about that plan throughout the course of the red festival which means that at No point does he stop to think that tubbo, tommy, or wilbur put his character in danger. how could he when he wasn't allowed to know?

so he decides to go to a party right. he brings withers and rocket launchers to a festival unprompted in crowd of innocent people, the Same people that he was just playing party games with. not his sword and shield, weapons of mass destruction that at this point he didn't just have lying around. it would've been an Effort to get his hands on them. he has a stack of enderpearls and full netherite armor like he's prepared to escape at any moment.

then we have the main event. he doesn't know about the code phrase, what he knows is that his friend and ally is up on stage and suddenly schlatt's laughing. and suddenly tubbo's in a cage, and suddenly the murderous dictator is ordering him to kill him, and suddenly quackity is begging for them to stop, and suddenly niki is screaming at him that he has a Choice that he doesn't have to listen to schlatt, and suddenly he's firing, and suddenly tubbo is dead, and suddenly schlatt and quackity aren't yelling anymore, and suddenly he's firing on that horrified crowd, and suddenly and suddenly and suddenly-

you see the problem here? without the context of this being Active war, techno Took Orders From The Government to kill his Friend and Ally when he was fully equipped to make a rescue. it means he Wasn't willing to stand up for his allies, which is the direct antithesis to everything his character is Supposed to stand for after this point (loyalty, giving back what you give, friends being Required to stand up for each other or else it's betrayal, "I would've fought all of them for you tommy").

it means that he went into what was supposed to be a Peaceful Situation fully prepared to not only hurt but Decimate the people around him. he wasn't going into this situation prepared to see the crowd potentially get hurt, but he made damn well sure that he was capable of doing exactly that and followed through unprompted. cc!techno recognizes c!niki as an ally, and yet c!techno shot her.

this Reframing of the situation doesn't make technoblade's Choices at the red festival look better, it makes them Worse. the only thing it Actually accomplishes is trying to demonize every other character involved so c!techno looks better by comparison. but it doesn't work that way.

5: the, """age arguments""" thing.

techno presents the situation as if the "age arguments" is like, "that character is a Child so automatically they win the morality contest by default. anything anybody does to hurt them is automatically bad no matter the context and anything they do to hurt anyone else doesn't matter because They're Young." which like, obviously that doesn't Apply here.

this is a plainly ridiculous thing for him to have said. if the roles had been reversed and it was wilbur in the cage and techno had shot him That Would Still Make Techno's Choice Here Villainous. he would've still murdered an ally, he would've still gone against his every moral that we know him to have, he would have still pulled weapons on an innocent crowd. the "age arguments" is completely irrelevant to the entire conversation. Except for one detail.

what the Actual point of bringing up the ages of the characters does is highlight the power imbalance between them and the change in dynamics in their relationships. techno was the only stable relationship that tubbo and tommy had with an adult right now, wilbur was spiraling, schlatt was abusive, and quackity and fundy were trying to be there for tubbo but were ultimately trying to survive just as much as he was. techno was a stable presence that had promised them that he would be there for him, that he would Help them, brothers forged in blood.

so when he betrays that trust, when he chooses to hurt them, it plays into that dynamic. it's not Just "techno shot a kid so that's bad" (though to be clear that is also true no matter how much cc!techno tries to make fun of it), it's "techno was supposed to be there for the teenagers he'd sworn to look after, who had nobody else to turn to, and he wasn't. he hurt them and he wasn't sorry about it."

it also plays into the situation of cc!techno trying to blame tubbo and tommy for schlatt and wilbur's actions. obviously anyone put in their position would've been stressed and overwhelmed, but it Matters that they were 16. tommy didn't know how to help wilbur Because He Was A Kid, he idolized and trusted wilbur through red flags Because He Was A Kid, he went along with wilbur's plans so he could watch over him and Be There Because He Was A Kid.

likewise, anyone in tubbo's position wouldn't be blamed for not knowing what to do. but the fact that he was a 16 year old facing abuse and war and politics he didn't understand Matters when we assess his actions. the festival may have been stressful, but killing tubbo was easy for techno. giving the code phrase was not.

that's why the "age arguments" were actually popularized by and in response to c!dream apologists. they don't want to accept the uneven power that dream has over tommy (among many Many other things) so they particularly hate it when people point out that tommy is a teenager because that's one imbalance that they can't deny through Plot. it got to the point where people were Genuinely trying to argue that tubbo and tommy were intended to be adults despite, literally everything. that particular talking point lasted months, though it's down now that tommy's age has been emphasized so hard in more recent lore (not that his age wasn't already stated outright in canon multiple times, because it was).

6: everything that came after.

technoblade talked about the shooting itself, but arguably that's the part that gets excused the most. even people who acknowledge that techno could've easily saved tubbo, that he could've easily overpowered the crowd (because he did, canonically he did), recognize that the situation was stressful. that he could've made the wrong choice because he Wasn't thinking clearly. the problem is what came after.

techno did say, the exact words, "I'm sorry tubbo, I'll try to make this as painless and colorful as possible," but that's not Really an apology. (I mean, for one thing he didn't do that, he hit tubbo with a pickaxe a few times and then shot him twice. and for another thing, "colorful" is a joke in this context and a poor one considering tubbo is now triggered by those exact colors.)

he didn't explain his actions, he didn't recognize tubbo's emotions, he didn't do anything to try to fix the relationship that he was actively shattering. if anything it was meant to sound cool, because he wasn't sorry. we know he wasn't from what came next.

tommy was angry at him, of course he was he just watch someone he trusted murder his best friend and then let the man who killed his brother and Ordered that best friend's execution go free. meanwhile techno kept insisting that it Did Not Matter, that tubbo's Death didn't matter (which is, of course, even worse in retrospect because of the introduction of the lives system and because of tubbo's burn scars. techno would've known what he did to tubbo the moment he saw him).

tubbo just got Murdered and had to listen to his very Life, his worth as a person, be called irrelevant. and still he chose to say that it was Fine to try to cut the tension (that same self-sacrificial nature we see in new l'manberg, in doomsday, in the dead man's switch, in the disc war finale). but all that served to do was hurt him more.

tommy wanted to know Why. he can forgive almost anyone if he gets a Why and an Apology. he forgave philza for doomsday and for letting his abuser out to Torture him after a single conversation. but techno didn't give him that much. he just kept insisting that he was Peer Pressured when techno was Fully Physically Equipped to save tubbo. if the answer had been that he was Scared, that he didn't know what to do, that he was Sorry tommy might not have accepted it that night, but he would've eventually. but the answer was that technoblade didn't think it should Matter.

and then of course, the pit.

now obviously, this was one of wilbur's darkest moments. he was the one who instigated the pit, he taunted the both of them (tommy especially) throughout, and I'm not overlooking that.

but wilbur was someone in a suicidal death spiral who just watched the Only person he thought was fully on his side murder a kid he was supposed to be responsible for (a repeat of the Exact Thing that started his down spiral in the first place). he was on the cusp of shifting from pointing his anger outwards to pointing it fully inwards, from blowing up manberg to hurt the people he felt hated him to fully accepting that he was a horrible person that didn't deserve to live. this was that push, wilbur was not in a healthy or stable mindset. that doesn't excuse his actions or the effect that they had on other people, but it tells us that this isn't the choice he'd make under any other circumstance.

technoblade was Not emotionally affected by this situation. he repeatedly and Continuously asserted that he didn't do anything wrong, that what happened didn't matter, that tommy was overreacting. he agreed to this fight Solely because he thought he could wiggle out of accountability if he won. he made this decision as a stable minded Adult with full agency. the fact that wilbur wanted the fight doesn't change the fact that technoblade Had the ability to say no and chose not to. he buffed his stats by eating soup before he entered the pit. tommy had no chance.

(I don't feel like I have to explain why tommy, an upset and powerless teenager, would be willing to fist fight over his Best Friend's Death and how that doesn't reflect poorly on his character.)

after he beat tommy to a non-canonical death ("to a pulp" tubbo said at the time), he made his Speech about violence being the only universal language. he tried to push the blame for the pit onto tommy ("you threw the first punch" as if he hadn't thrown the first rocket), he tried to insist that everything was resolved in the pit, "it's over tommy, on to a new day, a new plot to destroy manberg." (awfully convenient that. techno wanting to burn manberg to the ground in the scene that cc!techno didn't acknowledge at all. speaking of, here's techno saying that he wanted to turn manberg into a crater that same stream as well: [Link])

it's This decision that marks the red festival as a Villainous turn for techno rather than just a Mistake. because he Doubled Down and Refused To Care. because he Hurt Tommy And Tubbo More when tommy wanted an apology. because he Cemented himself as being Unreliable and Uncaring to his allies when they haven't Wronged Him. and he would Never, Never walk back on this decision.

not when he was in his supposedly peaceful retirement arc, not when the butcher army brought it up while they were on his doorstep, not when tommy brought it up while refusing to join techno, not during Doomsday when tommy pointed out that it was a betrayal (killing tommy's best friend doesn't matter, it was Ages ago, but Tommy's the person who needs a lesson on loyalty according to him), and not in his Will (the thing he wrote in case he died and would never get to say anything to anyone ever again) where he mentioned Tommy but not a Word on tubbo.

and we know now that this is because cc!techno doesn't see this as a mistake. he sees His Own Character as the one who was victimized based on False information about the other characters and a lack of reflection on his character's choices and the consequences of them. it tells us that these Aren't intentional character flaws and that therefore we can't expect them to be addressed or for c!techno to grow passed them.

and perhaps more importantly, c!techno and tubbo have just set up an arc where they're going to grow closer to each other looking for michael. tubbo's character is Defined by his trauma that Techno caused (the red festival, doomsday), but they aren't going to be able to address this fact because cc!techno doesn't see himself as responsible. tubbo's Already bent around this by having his character Falsely shift the blame from techno to quackity (misremembering the festival as quackity pushing techno to kill him) so he could dig into his trauma with the festival in the first place. they're going to have tubbo forgive the man who killed and scarred and traumatized him without that man ever recognizing that he may have done something wrong. and that's going to kill me.

so in conclusion ! cc!technoblade made a decision based on what he thought would Look Cool unprepared for that decision to have lasting consequences. he tried to mitigate this by insisting (in character) that it didn't matter and trying to insist that Everybody Else should drop it and stop caring, but that only made his character look Worse and the discourse itself even more volatile. he's now tried to "fix" this by reframing and retconning the event over a year later to make the characters he hurt look worse and turn his character into the victim. this, unsurprisingly, did not assuage the people who have criticisms for his character's actions or give people confidence for his arc to come.

I can only hope that he Genuinely considers the backlash that happened and reaches out to the other streamers to get everything sorted out (or at least digs through my blog, cc!technoblade you may interact but carefully).

[thefanficmonster]

Much Cooler

Corpse Husband & Emma Langevin 

Warnings: Swearing

Genre: Platonic Fluff, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: There’s always a certain level of uncertainty when meeting someone you’ve only known online. There’s that sense of insecurity that your relationship with them will never be the same or - even worse - that their view of you might change for the worse. But there’s nothing more thrilling than seeing the person you’ve been talking to constantly for the past however long standing across from you. 

Requested by Anon. Hi dear! Thank you so much for your request and I’m so terribly sorry for how late it’s coming out but I hope the fic makes it worth the wait! Lots of love, Vy ❤

“CORPSE! Wake up you famous dumbass!“ is the first thing the poor man heard over the phone at 9 AM on this fine Saturday morning.

It’s more than enough to make him contemplate why he even decided to pick it up in the first place considering he wouldn’t have been very able to participate in the conversation due to his sleepiness. He also, of course, made the mistake of not checking the caller ID which apparently wasn’t necessary considering how recognizable that voice and accent are.

“It’s 9 AM, Emma.“ He states as a tired parent would to a child, “I’m concerned as to why you’re up so early. More so as to why you’re calling me of all people.“

He can practically hear her roll her eyes but he still smirks to himself, knowing she can’t contradict him or argue since he’s completely right with his claims. “Whatever. Remind me to never call you to congratulate you on a milestone again.“

Now that pokes at his attention with a stick. Lately, said attention has proven to be a hibernating bear, leaving Corpse with a lack of interest or motivation for anything but damn if that sentence wasn’t enough to roll him out of bed and hop on PC. “What? What milestone? Subscribers?“

“Nope! You got two million likes on ‘E-girls are ruining my life’! I can’t believe I have to tell you this! Didn’t you notice the numbers climbing?!“ Emma, as annoyed and sarcastic as she’s trying to sound, she’s obviously overjoyed on his behalf and is super proud of him and of the project she luckily agreed to take a small part in.

As his PC boots up, Corpse can’t help but roll his eyes at Emma’s comment, “Well unlike you I have better things to do than refresh a page over and over aga-” His sentence is quickly cut off when he sees the number of likes under the song for himself.

Knowing that he’d find it there didn’t change the feeling of seeing it for the first time at all. It’s so surreal and so hard for his mind to comprehend. Seeing as how little he thinks of himself, his content and his art, this is like his success coming to slap him across the face as if to punctuate to him how wrong that mindset is.

“You know, it wouldn’t hurt if you offered to take me out for at least a coffee to celebrate, bro.“ Emma comments sarcastically, joking only halfway from what he can sense.

He smirks, “Trying to even the playing field, I see.” He replies, referring to the fact that he’s still a faceless mystery to her while her face is literally the cover art for one of his songs.

She laughs but is quick to dismiss his claim, “Nah, I might be a curious and nosey little shit on other occasions, but other people’s privacy is not something I dig my nose into. However, if I were to even the playing field between us it wouldn’t be appearance-wise. More personality-wise. For my sake and yours I choose to believe you are way cooler in person than you are through messages or on a call.”

This withdraws a genuine fit of laughter from Corpse who throws his head back, a few strands of hair moving aside to reveal his shiny eyes, “Well then, instead of giving me the benefit of the doubt, how about we settle it once and for all? Tomorrow? I’ll text you the location.”

Emma’s eyebrows shoot upwards as soon as she comprehends his words and the tone that leaves no room for her to assume he’s joking, “Wait what? How come you’re agreeing to this? And so easily? Nah, this a trap if I’ve ever seen it.”

Corpse laughs yet again, “No trap, Em. I just can’t have you doubting my coolness.”

                                                             *  *  *

The main reason as to why Corpse requested for this meeting to be today is because he feared that if he had more than twenty four hours to dwell on it he’d chicken out. Little did he know it was the same for Emma. Their friendship has only ever existed with the bridge of social media connecting them and they both can’t help but fear the other might not like who they are IRL. They fear they unintentionally become a different person or change things about themselves subconsciously when communicating with people online. Bottom line, they’re scared of letting the other person down with who they really are, unaware that their personalities are most likely the exact same because, as the people who know them can confirm, neither Corpse nor Emma are the type to put on a show in order to be liked. They would rather have no friends because of who they are than have friends and fans of their persona instead of the real them.

And so, while slightly afraid and anxious about this meeting, both of them see it as a relief test to see if the friendship is in fact as real as it’s seemed these past months.

Corpse was the one to choose the location of their meet-up, a location Emma didn’t even think twice about agreeing on, and ever since, they’ve both been counting the hours until their scheduled meeting time.  It’s not about impressing each other, at least that’s what they’re both telling themselves, but rather proving to the other that they’re worthy of their friendship. They might throw snarky and sarcastic comments at one another that others would give a side-eye glance to and question if their friendship is real, but they know the dynamic best and they sure as hell don’t wanna lose it or each other.

Best friends are the ones who roast each other after all - you can’t tell me I’m wrong.

The nervous Corpse fidgets with the insides of his hoodie pockets as he waits outside the café, having arrived ten minutes early because he couldn’t stand being alone with his thoughts in his apartment, judging every fragment of himself twice as harshly as usual. Emma, on the other hand, could barely bring herself to leave her home. She kept retouching her appearance, despite knowing Corpse wouldn’t judge her even if she showed up in pjs. To be fair she contemplated doing just that several times because her hair pissed her off enough to get her discouraged on her outfit altogether but she did eventually talk herself into pulling it together. She already knew she’d be at least five minutes late, but once again, she knew Corpse wouldn’t care.

He’d wait, cause that’s the kind of friend he was. Cause that’s the kind of friend she was for him too.

And boy did it take her less than a second to recognize him. She wasn’t even out of the car when she saw him and knew it was exactly who she was looking for. He too, as if with a sixth sense that registered her presence, shoots his head up from his phone to look up at her, their gazes meeting. There’s a brief moment of close-to-shocked silence, their eyes a bit widened as their brains comprehend that they’re within arm’s reach of one another.

That’s when Emma’s the first to break the bubble of awe as a wide grin spreads across her face and she runs to Corpse, wrapping him in a hug before he’s even realized the distance between the two’s been closed.

“Hey.“ She mumbles, her face hidden in his hoodie due to the height difference.

“H-hey.“ He replies, hesitantly wrapping his arms around her too.

“I was right.“ She says once she pulls away, “You are much cooler face-to-face.“ She pauses for a second, narrowing her eyes, “You’d be even cooler if you bought me coffee though.“

Earning a laugh from him, she’s guided into the café by the arm Corpse wraps around her shoulders, telling her he’s get her a milkshake cause he doesn’t want to see her high on caffeine. Needless to say, they both are, indeed, much cooler to one another IRL.

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[typewriterghcst]

Title: Leave Us Your Stardust Rating: G like all my other fics l m ao Characters: Natoru, babby Lune, Natori. Mentions of other characters. Words: 2730-ish Summary: The World can be quite an intimidating, tough place for a seven-year-old, particularly after the sun goes down for the first time. Written for the 2020 TCR Birthday Bash, in particular the ‘Ghosts’ prompt. Notes: This is chock full of headcanons regarding these three, particularly during Lune’s childhood, so uh. Hopefully someone else finds this interesting or amusing like I do orz I will admit I’m hesitant on Natoru’s portrayal here because I’m not sure how most people interpret her (or him, if you prefer the dub, aha). I haven’t gotten the chance to write her that often on my RP blog, so this kinda feels to me like jumping headfirst into a shallow pool

                                                          &&&

Natoru plays a lot of roles. She is at once first-line defense and confidante, exorcist and companion. She weaves wild stories and tall tales while battling and eradicating the monsters that manage to sneak out of their imaginary environments to threaten her little ward’s security. She takes care of spiders and hornets. Checks the closet for less rational pests. Peers under the bed each night to shoo out the monsters, too.

It’s because of this, she thinks to herself later once her wits finally arrive, that she ends up being very gently nudged awake by a visibly shaken charcoal-colored kitten in the middle of the night during an extended visit to a neighboring but distant kingdom (the queen’s original home, in fact, a detail that still brings Natoru no small amount of confusion).

“...Natoru..?” Lune sounds hopeful but timid.

“Ehhh.” It’s vaguely questioning, she rationalizes, if a little muffled. She hasn’t quite found the motivation to lift her face from her sleepy haze just yet.

“Can I… can I sleep in here?”

“Why do y’ wanna sleep in ‘ere..?”

Lune fidgets, plays with the edges of his sleeves. “...be… because there’s a ghost in my room.”

Oh. It takes at least a solid minute for that childish (albeit straightforward, she’ll give him that) reasoning to sink in, but once it does, Natoru realizes she’s not getting off the hook that easily. Finally resigning herself to being awake and active again, she hauls herself up from her face-down, torpid position and searches for Lune in the darkness, rubbing at her eyes sleepily.

“Should I go throw him out?”

It takes Lune some time to answer, and when he does, he stares down at his feet as he speaks. “...N-No. I’d rather just stay in here.”

“Eh? How come?”

“...b-because… um. What if… what if the ghosts here are stronger than the ones at home?”

“There are no ghosts stronger than me,” Natoru brags. What a more sweet-natured, maternal cat might have claimed only in the interest of reassuring Lune, she seems to wholly believe, and not for the first time it becomes obvious just why the kitten has taken such a shine to her.

“Really..? How do you know?”

Natoru doesn’t falter, patting her chest with one paw and planting the other on her hip.

"Because I'm the strongest," she answers matter-of-factly.

Lune, still standing at the edge of the bed she'd chosen (though now noticeably with a straighter posture than before), seems to spend some time thinking that over. Finally, hesitantly, he says, “But this isn’t home. What if the ghosts here are stronger than the ones you know? What if the dark makes them stronger?”

Natoru pauses thoughtfully, but ultimately shakes her head. “Nah. I’ve been all over, Lune. And I was born in the human world-- it gets dark there, too. Still no match for me~” She gives him a sunny smile, patently cute as it always is because of her soft, chubby face, but the undercurrent of chaos can not be denied.

What had been a gradual and noticeable decrease in his fear appears to reach a plateau; Lune is convinced, his tail and ears perking back up.

“I’m so grateful! You’re super cool, Natoru!”

“Yep,” Natoru agrees as she hops off her bed to join him on their trek back to his room.

                                                         &&&

Lune begins to trail behind her the closer to his guest room they approach, but she neglects to comment on it. Instead, she tosses the beaded curtain in the doorway aside like a particularly bothersome obstacle, and strolls inside. In stark contrast, Lune tiptoes in behind her, looking furtively from one corner of the room to the next as if he expects to be ambushed. (Well, perhaps he does.)

“Okay, Ghost, you had your fun!” Natoru starts as boldly as she can, paws on her hips. “How’s that one song go? You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here! It’s bedtime for Lune.” Then, a little quieter but just as determined, and in a smug tone that shows she absolutely relishes saying it, “And if you don’t listen, then I’m gonna kick you in the head.”

To Lune, she adds, “That’s another great song. Recommend it.”

“It’s about kicking monsters in the head..?”

“Yeah,” Natoru says with a cheerful, heedless shrug.

The two of them are met with a stifling silence afterwards, as Natoru expected, but still she waits for Lune to give his approval. Creeping out from behind her, he pads softly further into the room, one, two steps at a time, again scrutinizing the corners. In the end, he doesn’t turn directly to face her, most likely mindful of the darkened void beneath the bed behind him, but he does look back to her.

“...will you check the bed and closet too..?”

“Of course.”

                                                         &&&

It’s after he’s tucked back into his own bed that Lune asks, “It gets dark in the human world?”

“Every night.”

“How long does a night last?”

Natoru pauses there. 

“...I don’t remember.” She does remember it feeling quite long sometimes, though. It doesn’t seem pertinent to tell Lune. “Time feels different in the human world.”

“How so?”

Again, she pauses, this time in thought more so than in uncharacteristic caution.

The truth is, she thinks, maybe it’s not that time feels different in the human world, but simply that she had once been different. A long time ago, before she came to the Cat Kingdom. Those memories are odd— they don’t fit like they should. She thinks sometimes it may be akin to trying to play one of Natori’s beloved records in a CD player. 

“It’s different because you can tell time has passed just by looking around at the sky and the ground, but it doesn’t actually feel like time has passed. It’s disorienting.”

“The ground changes, too?”

“Yeah!” She chirps. “Sometimes it snows, or it rains. Then you get mud. That stuff’s tons of fun.”

“I’ve seen pictures of it,” Lune starts thoughtfully. “It looks messy.”

“Mm. Natori would have a fit if you discovered how fun it is, too.”

“Maybe I’ll get to play with it, too, then. Someday.”

“Probably! You’ll have your own adventures in the human world, eventually.”

“I hope so,” Lune starts. “It sounds like such a funny place.”

Whatever Natoru might have planned to say to that, no doubt to agree, to tell him of the other oddities abound in the human world, it’s lost in obscurity, as, of all cats, Natori seems to see fit to enter at that time, peeking in through the beaded doorway with a look of subdued disapproval. In some distant part of her brain, the part that’s always faintly amused at her coworker’s finicky quirks, Natoru briefly entertains the idea that perhaps he’d been supernaturally summoned by the talk of mud.

“What on earth are the two of you doing awake at this hour..?”

Natoru answers easily enough, tone blithe as ever. “Don’t look at me, Lune’s the one who dragged me out of bed ‘cause of a ghost.”

Judging from Lune’s offended expression in return, he’s not at all appreciative of his idol throwing him under the bus. Natori, also, regards her with a disapproving frown, paws settling at his hips. To herself, Natoru thinks his current countenance lines up pretty solidly with that of the quintessential, matronly governess.

“Natoru, don’t go blaming your foible on the child.”

“But he did wake me up because of a ghost,” Natoru protests.

It’s at this exchange that Lune’s indignation seems to fade, so that he appears relatively chastened, shamed. “...I’m sorry, Natori, I did wake her up for that.”

Natori seems to… deflate, almost, padding to Lune’s bedside with a sigh. “It’s nothing that warrants an apology, my prince. You’re in no trouble.” Then, while busily straightening the crocheted blanket atop the comforter, “...another ghost, then..?”

Lune’s embarrassed silence says it all, he supposes. So it appears then that Natori decides to move past it without comment in response. A phase, he tells himself, brought about by recent stressors, and one that will fade as they do.

“Well. It is quite late, and there’s an early morning ahead of us all. We should all be more rested, you know. This isn’t the night for tall tales.”

“Hey, speaking of, how come you’re awake, Natori?” Natoru starts shrewdly.

An inquiry the grey cat was clearly not prepared for, as his first response to it is to open his mouth to voice his answer… only to close it again with a light snap once he realizes either he has no suitable excuse or that that suitable excuse is tremendously weak in theory.

“...It’s not important,” he eventually settles on, formal, demure. Leaving precious little room for followup clarifications, though he must know by now that such a thing will not stop Natoru.

“Natori, have you ever been to the human world?” Lune asks.

“Yes, occasionally,” Natori replies, head canted just slightly in curiosity at where Lune’s evident investigation is going.

“Do you have a favorite thing about it?”

“A favorite thing? Well, let me think…”

After a moment, all too aware of Lune’s expectant gaze on him and doing his best to ignore Natoru’s amused, knowing stare (yes, Natoru, he realizes he’s being massively hypocritical right now), Natori seems to decide on, “I suppose I’d say it’s probably the scenery— er, the variety in it, in particular.”

Lune nods excitedly. “The variety! That intrigues me so much, Natori. I’ve seen the pictures of the  forests and mountains and the oceans— they’re all so huge, Natori, aren’t they? I can’t imagine how big the human world must be to have multiple oceans in it..!”

“I do imagine it must be hard for you,” Natori agrees indulgently with a laugh. Then, a touch diffidently, “...having seen but a fraction of it myself, I must admit it’s rather difficult for me, as well, at times.” His attention wanders to Natoru, who is still lounging propped up on her paws on the end of Lune’s bed like a proper house cat. She wears a thoughtful, somewhat faraway expression, and he wonders what it is she’s thinking of. But, unobtrusive and respectful as ever, Natori doesn’t pry. Instead, he asks, “Did you shoo out the ghost, then?”

Natoru snaps out of her apparent reverie, nodding a time or two and waving her paw in disregard. “Oh, yeah, he’s toast.” And to Lune, “I scared him off, didn’t I?”

“Yup! You said you’d kick him in the head if he came back.”

Ah, that earns her another long-suffering look from Natori, though he doesn’t voice his disapproval this time. Natoru just gives him another of her patented sunny smiles.

“...Well,” Natori starts readily. “If that’s the case, I think that’s enough ill-timed chatter to last us the night. Morning will arrive before you know it, and I’ll not oblige any requests to sleep in.” Spoken while gently tugging the comforter up over Lune’s shoulders, now that the crocheted blanket has been righted.

“Can I ask one last question, Natori?”

“Yes,” Natori answers primly, somewhat absently, if his concentration on Lune’s already straightened bedcovers is anything to go by.

“It’s about the human world again.” And there Lune hesitates, at least until Natori gives another acknowledging noise. “I keep reading about... how big the human world is, and you and Natoru say it is, too. And— and all the stuff that’s in it, things you can’t see here. Do you think… I mean, because it’s so… There’s so much in it, so do you think… someone could go there, but eventually run out of things to see?”

His voice has lowered to be so soft his two companions nearly miss his question in its entirety, and it along with his insistence on keeping his gaze glued to some indeterminate spot to his side tells them both this line of questioning is not just a child’s rambling, all-encompassing curiosity. Because of this, it seems the two of them struggle for an answer for some time— one that must be reassuring and optimistic, but also can not conclusively discuss the issue. It hasn’t been named yet; it has yet to be spoken aloud to Lune, and it is not the place of the royal advisor nor their vaguely-defined assistant to do so.

Paws lingering over the plush comforter where he’s folded it over Lune’s shoulders, Natori finally replies, timidly, “...Anything is possible.” 

“Sure, there’s a lot to see. But nothing beats good old home,” is Natoru’s helpful addition. “A cat’s bound to get homesick at some point.”

Lune doesn’t respond for a few long minutes, but neither Natori nor Natoru move to prompt or hurry him, even when the silence begins to feel acutely oppressive, and Natoru almost wishes a real ghost would break the tension. Eventually, however, Lune gives a very small sigh, and his attention wanders from his earlier inconsequential spot to Natori’s face. It’s not quite his more usual bright and inquisitive demeanor, but it’s at least a step away from the nervous reserve he’d been exhibiting just moments before.

“...I hadn’t thought of that.”

“Yes. It’s certainly a fascinating place, but it’s no Cat Kingdom. The comforts of familiarity compel all of us to look homeward at least occasionally.”

Lune seems to think that over for a moment, glancing down to the hem of the blanket covering him once (Natoru thinks he must be imagining his own bed back at home, and his colorful bedroom, eternally bathed in sunlight). This time, when he looks to the two of them, it’s with a decidedly more self-assured air. 

“Okay! So I’ll stay as familiar as I possibly can!”

Natoru laughs— she can’t help it. It’s such an endearingly straightforward conclusion to come to. Natori, however… she notices the way his expression tenses, the conflicted, nervous debate he must be waging on the inside. Lune has taken away the wrong message from all this, and it should be addressed and amended, but... it’s only getting later, and Natori had entered the conversation with a chiding lecture about the late hour. He looks tired, too, Natoru notes to herself, probably a crucial trigger for his indecisiveness.

“You got it, Lune,” she decides to chime in, pushing herself up onto her haunches now. “But I think it’s time to stick a fork in this one, because I’m ready to go back to dreamland.”

Lune’s eyes light up further. “Oh! Maybe I’ll dream of the human world.”

“Maybe!”

Natori seems to just accept this abrupt left turn in the conversation in his usual yielding way, but he does see fit to add, in a soft tone that comes perhaps dangerously close to pleading, “...Lune… it’s all well and good to desire to remain... recognizable, but…”

There he dithers for some time, at a loss for what he wants to say or how to say it, most likely, as he utters numerous false starts before finally appearing to give up. Instead, lips straightening to a thin line, he fixes the kitten with a sort of wistfully helpless smile, and gives a comically uncharacteristic shrug.

“...Well. It’s late, as we’ve all pointed out. Goodnight, my prince. Now that your room has been cleared of its phantoms, please don’t dawdle on your way back to the Land of Nod. The sun will rise before you know it.”

“I won’t, Natori.”

Natori inclines his head once in wordless approval as he turns to leave, gaze also lingering meaningfully on Natoru (one she again only returns a blithe smile to), before he leaves in much the same natural way he’d first arrived. Natoru takes the opportunity to hop off Lune’s bed and dust herself off, though even her own reasoning for doing so escapes her. Lune, meanwhile, appears somewhat thoughtful, if distantly uncertain.

“Is it really so close to morning? I’m sorry for waking you, a-and for keeping you up all this time.”

“Nah, don’t worry about it. I’ll let you in on a secret, actually—” Here she glances behind her to confirm that Natori has, indeed, left, before continuing in a hushed but shrewdly amused manner, “I know Natori said he wouldn’t let us sleep in, but just keep in mind that what your dad says goes, and he hasn’t seen a morning in years.”

And so it was that Natoru gained another point from the child prince to set in her ‘cool’ pile.

[callonb]

GYBurst of Inspiration/Motivation

Where does inspiration come from? - Snacks I recorded a song with Samuel Hawkins recently and that was the first line of his verse. Lately thats been on my mind more and more. Where does my inspiration come from and why cant I always bask in its motivational energies? Seems that my drive comes and goes with the moon phases or as planets enter and leave our orbit. Could be the skys dictating my moods and movements (which i think it does have an effect) or it could be the mass amount of coffee and tea i drink a day. Definitely important factors but not quite the source. My mom definitely motivates me, she believes in everything Im doing and helps every way that she can. Its not financially but sometimes emotional support is more important. Shouts out to Momma B you the realist. Same for my homies and not homies as in people i force myself to be around, cuz having friends is what you do. Actual family that i grew up with and have developed a relationship with, the GYB family. The ones who sat me down years ago and was like dude...... you need to take this rap shit seriously. The ones who are now getting more and more involved with the movement every day, pushing everything to the side and riding along with my dream and making them their own. Everyday the homies are pushing to help me create this vision for you guys as they've adopted it as their own. Like minds on the prize, Shouts out the Layer homies. That only seems to be half of it tho, and Ive never felt this type of fire burning inside me before so what is it? Magazine drama and BS doesn't motivate me, Music doesn't seem to hit me the same way anymore. I used to listen to music constantly, new rap definitely doesn't do it for me.....makes me feel lower. New tv shows dont do it for me im bored with most of the popular shows out. Same for games or just typical activities that people partake in. Partys, drugs, random hook ups...It all seems so blah to me and im completely uninterested. I learned I have to stop feeding my lower self and focus on my higher self and what that part of my being truly wants and thats to CREATE!!! Whenever im around an environment that drives me to create and push myself i perform better. So i guess i just realized what really inspires me, and thats a creative environment. Who is responsible for this? Well I saw the Rotunda Project last weekend at Maiden Alley, a collaborative piece by Fairseas. The Fairseas are a group of musicians named Jeran Simmons, Bobby Dowell, Codie Franklin and Shanden Simmons. I watched them plant this seed years ago and now its a giant tree that you can sit back and marvel in its greatness. The main theme of the film was collaborating with your community. I cant lie ive had many many thoughts of leaving my community to collaborate elsewhere but ive came to a realization recently that it isnt necessary. To my surprise and probably a lot of people around here, there is a bubbling hip hop scene around here that is about to explode. Ive started to invest my time and efforts into this scene now and received nothing but results. Shanden has been a major influence in my artistry because he is always honest, encouraging and persistent....three very important characteristics to have in a creative environment and on top of that has become one of what i would consider my best friends. I look at him as one of my GYBrothers. On to the hip hop scene around here tho..... mysterious person named "A" aka the Hollow Man and he is one of the most promising producers/writers around. His solo stuff is outstanding and the collaboration effort we are working on "A & B: The Empire" is next level. Its been well over a year in the making and will shock most people when they hear the new styles i bring to the tape compared to my previous work. A always challenges me to be very intelligent when I piece together my verses and I like that. He makes me want to grab a dictionary and start reading so I can match his extensive vocabulary.....and maybe I have done that lol. Im the ONLY artist that the mystery man works with at the moment and that hits me now in a way it never has before. Like why me, do I really have something in my music that would make this beyond talented artist spend his time and efforts to make beats for us to collab on and want to include me in everything he does? His beats are above any producer Ive ever heard even in the big leagues of the rap game its crazy but he will prolly have his own GYBlog entry about him eventually. I have to move on before i make this to long lol. Next is JSkrilla, I have met the Skrilla a few times in passing but i dont think we realized what each other really could offer the other. Until i ran into him at the damn ROTUNDA PROJECT.....back around full circle. After that we decided to get together. We showed each other some of our music. I didnt know he made dope beats as well as spit hot fucking fire but he does. We shared our philosophies for our craft and talked hip hop and all sorts of other randomness. Then we picked a beat and wrote a song on the spot. Bar for bar back and forth. J stressed to me it had been a LONG time since he had been able to just sit down and write with another emcee that wasnt intimidated by his ability to write on the spot, or to match his caliber of wordplay and rhyme schemes. To both mine and his delight I delivered. Skrilla really challenged me tho, most artist get so caught up in the main stream BS or conforming to certain concepts and topics in their verses that it had been a while since I had felt pressure when writing to make sure my bars are up to par. Felt good to feel that energy again i had been missing the want to become better and that leads me to the main cause of my motivation and my improvments or just overall attitude change whatever you want to call it. the TRYBE!!!! Snacks, B. James, and Waun D. are the Cerberus of this rap shit. I have a lot to owe to them. GYB and Trybe share the same values as far as what we hope to contribute to the culture of arts and musics and how we hope to impact the hip hop community as well as the communities we all live in. I have done one show with them and have multiple other ones lined up with them. As a matter a fact i cant see myself doing a show with anyone but them from here on out. Once again them as well as JSkrilla could have their own full length blog entry but i digress for the sake of your attention lol. The Trybe challenges me to be a better emcee by making me freestyle. Which if you have been around me doing music ive never been a good freestyler.....UNTIL NOW!!! They have cracked that shell and brought me out of it. Making me partake in their cyphers everytime we get together. Soon Ill be as smooth off the top as i am with the writtens then its over for everyone! Sharpening my skills is not something that other rappers really push you to do. Rap is very competitive and braggadocios so pushing someone to improve and possible be better than you is unheard of. The Trybe doesnt see it that way though, they want us all to grow together. With a shared love for hip hop and me and Snacks shared love for Anime we can talk for hours and hours before we realize we havent done any music lol. Everytime I hear a new Trybe song i feel my artistry being challenged. The message in their music makes me want to really focus on the concepts i present in my music and start challenging my self to pretty much step my game up. Between Skrilla, "A", and TrYbe, everything new I hear makes me question my latest bars which is exactly what I need. Hip Hop is my life and my love and above any amount of money i can potentially make off this art is the desire to be the best emcee to ever grab a mic and thats the same mindset i had when i originally picked up the pen and decided i would be a rapper. Before i saw 8 mile and realized that being a white rapper wasnt necessarily accepted, before all the laughs, all the hate and just general shade i received for my dreams. Being white in this game is a roadblock but for the first time these guys made me realize that i have overcame that hurdle 100 times over. I had a long talk with the Trybe last night and they gave me a boost of confidence that finally fully ignited that fire i had lit but tried to conceal. Im no longer worried about what is cool or what people want. I just want to create and you will more than likely like it because I do have skills that i myself had been sleeping on. I hear these artist like A, Skrilla, and Trybe and i felt underneath them but now i see my self as an equal. We all have different things we bring to the table that compliment each other and its time to put it all together and make it happen. Plus we all just fucking dope and there is no denying. This is my new goal. No more time wasted on what i "think" is the right move. Im going to follow what i KNOW to be the right path and follow my heart. Thats challenging myself with these artist and like minded individuals to always be better. Also as Snacks has said before "move at LIGHT SPEED" thats just what Ill do with my light brothers here. We like some damn warriors of this rap shit waging war against a evil corrupt entity but thats also for a whole separate entry lol But no war of this caliber is complete without a general so shoutout to SirDuke. Ive also recently became friends with this crazy dude and he has shown me in just the short time ive known him more love and support than some people ive known my whole life. He also inspires me because he has dedicated his life to serve and protect (literally) and most importantly LEAD. He has an army of pretty much every hood and every rapper in each of them just waiting for his call. and he is not leading them astray, Shoutout the Kollektiv. Duke is also a talented singer and emcee. He has a show with me tomorrow at the Hangover in Murray MAKE SURE YOU COME TO THAT AND SEE MY NEW ALBUM CONSCIOUS TRAP PERFORMED LIVE starting at 9pm. but yeah Duke is dope and I can appreciate his leadership skills and what he hopes to accomplish in his community by cleaning it up through music. He is rubbing off on my and motivating me to hold that same position with my Layer army of GYB homies ive assembled. Most of them are clueless about the industry and music so its up to me to guide and lead them so they can be their own selves and make it in this world without the middle man down your neck. Im going to wrap this up because it ended up being way longer than i intended but i wanted to also say to my fellow collaborators and friends above all. Wolf, Golden Wrist Banks, Trevell, Dope, Simple, Benji and Angel Mascato. You guys have MAD SKILLS. You guys inspire me too because I hear something different in your music than i hear from most. I want you all to continue to grow and expand your creativity to new levels. Tell YOUR story. The same story is constantly told but how will you tell YOURS in the true challenge. So i encourage you guys like i have been recently, step outside of the norm and do what you truly feel in your heart that you need to, fuck what everyone else wants from you just create the way you feel appropriate. A lot of you are working with Duke regularly and I think he will tell you the same thing I am now. Even if its certain people in your lives holding you back, they gotta go. Surround yourself with positive people that want to grow with you instead of out grow you and you will see the same results. Probably why you guys were all on my latest album, except Trevell im sorry and you should have been but you know the deal homie its all love. Frank.....dammit man just rap lol but anyways ill end it on this note. Getting in touch with that child like mind state and that pureness of love in my heart again. Losing all my intentions to want to be better and out do someone but rather COLLABORATE with like minds in my community has already in return pushed me forward in a lot of ways. Seems almost as if they had been waiting on me this whole time. Its certain that my actions are now speaking louder than my words and everyone is starting to catch on. including myself finally. If you read this far thank you and I love you. Youre more than likely part of the reason why i typed this or why i even continue to do what i do. I trust you guys just as much as you trust ill deliver. Have a great day, maybe you can draw inspiration from this or some of the same people or things that i do! So put down that magazine full of empty content and read something meaningful that you are interested in, turn off the news and watch some anime, stop playing shooter games and play final fantasy, stop eating out and prepare your own meals, dont listen to music just play instrumentals and freestlye every day or just make your own, quit scrolling on facebook and take a stroll around the block, only spend time with those that help you grow rather than keep you low. So much inspiration out there sometimes we just have to break away from what we are used to in order to pull from the experience. Now im really done. and excuse my poor grammer and probably a shit load of spelling errors. That wont ever change, these blog post are run on sentences of my thoughts that pass through my head every day. Sometimes i just take the time to jot them out as they pass. PEACE LOVE AND GYB!!

[tvranny]

took this from a mutual on my dash. not gonna @ because im too socially inadequate but if u see this. ur blog is rad.

anyone who wants to do it can do it

Age: h

Birthplace: ??? santa rosa california

Current time: 7:51 pm

Drink you last had: iced tea. the one with the golf man on the can. didnt he die or something

ARNOLD PALMER

tjhat was his name sorry

Easiest person to talk to: i dont talk to a lot of people

Favorite song: oh, no, i cant choose.  . ill just pick one that i would be able to stand listening to for an hour on repeat. just that song. sovngarde from skyrim. incredible

Grossest memory: dont read if u dont like insects particularly maggots. when i was younger our apartment was quite dirty and trashy which makes no fucking sense to me now because we had the money to get into a better house but whatever. anyways, i hopped onto one of our computer chairs and right where i put my hand, there was a maggot and that definitely scarred me for years it was nasty. there was a lot of that. idk maggots could be found hanging from the ceiling and that has given me my terror of maggots. are they even maggots? i know they’re moth larvae, nto sure if maggot is the right word for it

Horror yes horror no: if im in the mood for it i do like horror yeah. i thoroughly enjoyed the exorcist

Jealous of people?: yes. im not like a malicious jealous person but ofc i get jealous. for example, right now, i am jealous of anyone who isnt fucking trans

Killed someone?: yes brenda ive fucking killed a person. the lincoln assassination? that wasnt john wilkes booth, that was me. gg

Love at first sight or should i walk by: i think maybe you get an intuition about someone that they might be the one. people get feelings like that, not just abt love but about just. the future. it’s odd, surely. but the classic “see someone in the street and feel your heart pound and everything stop and the stars align” is. not

Middle name: elizabeth

Number of siblings: technically, im an only child. all my siblings are half-siblings but i consider them full siblings just because. i have 4 siblings

One wish: well? to not be trans, right now. but. other than that, no idea

Person you last called: i dont have a phone. dont need one. kind of

Question you are always asked: idk. “why don’t you talk a lot” is a question ive always been asked, or “why are you so shy”.  it’s a stupid fucking question. what do they think ill say? “well u see i have bad social anxiety and no self esteem lol how was ur day uwu”

Reason to smile: oh, there are a lot of things, but i’m not a very motivational person. cats are nice! and so are dogs. when you own a dog or cat, or really, the majority of pets, their entire world is you. of course that’s a lot of responsibility when you think about it but their happiness, their dreams, all of it are about you, aren’t they? saw an article. i think. but i think it’s a nice thought. just think when you approach a dog and it starts barking happily and wagging its tail and licking you and it looks overjoyed, or a cat’s meows and chirps and purrs as you pet it. you make them happy.

Song you last sung: thunder by imagine dragons.

Underwear color: odd question but they’re teal.

Vacation: no plans, but i want to go Washington D.C. and back to Tudor Hall. I also want to visit California, as I haven’t been there for years

X-rays: got my lungs x-rayed one time. acute bronchitis. 

Your favorite food: i like mashed potatoes. deviled eggs. brussel sprouts. i also like sushi

Zodiac sign: pisces

top ten songs I’ve been listening to lately: 

not in order

1.) the wolf by SIAMÉS

2.) believer by imagine dragons

3.) whatever it takes by imagine dragons

4.) mt washington by local natives. makes me cry

5.) thunder by imagine dragons

6.) golden age by woodkid. makes me think of John Wilkes Booth. hm. iron by woodkid also does that for me. if i had to pick a song other than the ballad of booth (of course that fits him) to describe JWB it’d have to be both iron and golden age

7.) bottom of the river by delta rae

8.) world at large by modest mouse. tears.

9.) dramamine by modest mouse. probably one of my top favorite songs of all time

10.) killer queen by queen

like i said. if you want to do it feel free

[bowlingillusion01]

blog post - spring break

1. I think that the message that appears makes it effective and as it had stated in one of the articles that said that because it’s so close to their type of hip hop that it because popular and people actually listened to it. “ I was struck not only by how catchy it was, but also by how seamlessly it blended the soothing sounds of Hip Co...”

2. what makes this song effective I think is because it has a beat, rhythm, different tones/chords, a message being portrayed, and a mixture of music types, like rap involved too.

3. I think the message here is that no matter how clean we are the virus is always around us its just up to us on if we get it or not. There is also another part of the message it seems that is mainly focused towards Africa and African Americans and i think that is very wrong. I didn’t like this song at all because it brings in racism and blaming a specific race or two for the virus when viruses just happen. It’s no ones fault it’s just apart of life and we all have to deal with it. it’s not like they are immune.

4. I believe I hear a trombone (i know its a brass instrument), hand claps, water pouring, a man singing, a piccolo maybe and a little girl singing too. I think that this is kind of a strange song and I cant tell if their is supposed to be a message or if it is just happening. To me it just doesn’t seem like anything important.

5. The first one on Vietnam is what I was expecting because i’s exactly what they are telling us to do here. the Dominican Republic one I didn’t understand and i thought it was a bad way to portray the seriousness of the virus. Like dancing and singing in an ambulance I mean come on. The one about Iran i thought what somewhat interesting and a little funny because I wasn’t expecting it. I didn’t think portraying how to wash your hands with an orchestra putting emphasis in the background would make something motivating to watch. The one from Mexico I didn’t really get either. Some of the gestures i think mean something but I don’t know what and I think it’s important for the audience to KNOW what they are trying to explain. Sure they are nurses and a hospital in the background so it must be important but why? The last one I thought was different and expecting because it’s mainly talking about washing your hands and keeping good hygiene to keep you from getting the virus which is true but you can always still get it. I think the most effective one was the Vietnam video because it was simple and straight to the point to where everyone can understand it. 

6. I think the video on Vietnam and the last video both were covers or parodies of something because they sounded kind of similar in the chords and rhythms. They also had a similar message being portrayed compared to the others like, washing your hands, keeping good hygiene, etc. 

8. I think the song i would wash my hands to for 20 seconds would be “Lifeline” by Thousand Foot Krutch

9.In the first video about NY I think it sent a good message and it kind of made me feel happy because people are actually helping one another instead of going insane like everywhere else. I don’t think the music helped because i think it was mainly used as background music. It didn’t really fluctuate between intervals and the volume didn’t really increase to create an effect on the viewer. The other video I feel just i guess content because I have been hearing the same thing over and over so it was just them rambling on just with more facts. I didn’t really hear any music but i think that it was important that there wasn’t any because then you can understand the full story and take in what they are saying.

[merchantsprobably]

in the past few days i’ve been learning a few valuable life lessons so i figured i’d type them up. they’re what help me personally.

systems are created through trauma alone, however, i don’t think there’s an “age deadline” for when the trauma had to occur, and i think presuming there’s a “level” for how bad it should have been is...ridiculous. it’s trauma. it was traumatic. trauma isnt a word you throw around - if you get hit on the head thats one type of trauma, if you get punched in the stomach it’s another, it doesn’t mean that just because you experienced different trauma than another person that anyone else’s trauma is less real, which brings me to my next point

just because you experienced the same thing doesn’t mean you know exactly how another person feels. you can relate on aspects like pain and experiences, but to assume you know what another person felt during and after the event/abuse/trauma and use it against them in an argument? that’s harmful to both parties. you open yourself up to things like numbness to emotion and harmful outburts, while putting the other person down.

there is no such thing as system hopping. you can have your spiritual beliefs for hopping systems but i refuse to acknowledge it. i’m not picking fights with people who believe it though, i mean this is my blog and i do with it what i want (insert obligatory “dont like dont read” comment). i just dont think it’s a logical thing. systems are purely mental topics, they have nothing to do with spirituality, though i do believe in being able to sense a headmate’s energy and motives. as for people who experience system hopping on a personal level, i dont think that’s true, i think if two systems are close enough then some headmates take on traits of another’s and sometimes alters can form for comfort reasons in response to another’s system, resulting in introjects of another alter. anything about “i remember being in their headspace” is either coincidence, delusion, or on the lines of sensing energy.

alters form in response to emotional lapses like breakdowns or relapse. alters can also form out of the blue, and if they do, it’s probably in response to environmental events, because part of DID/OSDD is dissociation so it’s understandable if alters form even if you personally don’t feel stressed.

i don’t believe alters can be created on purpose. however, i do believe in tulpas, which is where you create an “imaginary friend” and give them attention and “power” until they begin acting on their own - however this is more spiritual. i believe if you are a system and you have “created” your own alter, then what happened was an incredibly rare situation in which you created an active tulpa, but as your system reacted to it and its ability to assist you, it adapted the traits and created its own version of it. i dont know about the tulpa though...i’m still giving this thought.

i know everyone says “bpd doesnt create alters” and while i agree for the most part, i dont think anyone’s even once addressed the possibility of the affects of bpd on a person’s systemhood. to which, here’s a few thoughts - - a symptom borderlines experience is the adaption of personality traits onto their person. i think a borderline’s system, if they experience the same disorders, may do the same to the point of forgetting who they were and recreating themselves. unknowing systems can mistake this for “system restarts” and think that their old headmates are dead and they have new ones now, when in fact it’s the same people but with different aspects. if you have bpd and are a system and this seems familiar, ask yourself if the “new” headmates fulfill a similar role, personality, or aesthetic as the “old” ones. - sometimes adapting traits can be so intense that they confuse the system, and people start believing in “fractures” or “fragments”. i think that when this happens, people should take time when the “fragment” is “gone” to evaluate what they do, how they act, and so on, and maybe ease into the idea that it’s ok to be wrong about your system and if they’re not a shy headmate then they’re most likely a result of bpd. - sometimes trait adaption CAN result in alters due to idolization, projection, and adoption. people can idolize others as a result of bpd and their system responds by creating an introject. people can project a character’s traits onto themselves and idealize them as a more comforting character and the system responds by developing a new alter. people can adopt certain traits in response to a situation or environment and different things become more comforting and if the system develops another alter, then there’s a high possibility of them being brought in with similar traits.

i do think that due to the harsh environment of this site and the overexposure to black-and-white arguments over what is and isnt considered part of a disorder, that young users on this site can get confused over what disorders they have, if any, and are either too afraid to admit they’re wrong, or are so misinformed that they defend the wrong things about the disorder and spread false information and create a toxic environment where other misinformed people join them and, what happens from there is drama.

on that note, its completely ok to be wrong about things. you could assume you’re a system but it turns out you have heavy bpd, and vice versa. you could think you have npd, but it turns out you have hpd, or bpd with narcissistic traits. just cause tumblr doesnt know how to accept mistakes in a healthy manner doesnt mean you should shun yourself for getting something wrong. do what you can to recognize the mistake, realize you were wrong, accept that it’s normal and a good learning experience, and move on with your newfound knowledge.

people will leave you all the time. it’s part of life and unfortunately, not everyone is meant to have several perfect friends 24/7. not everyone is going to agree with each other all the time, and it’s ok to have friends who have some weird traits, or problematic interests, or are iffy allies, or drain you cause they do that one thing.

friends can be found in anything or anyone, too, and none of them are sad or pathetic. a friend can be an unlikely person you met by chance, or a regular at your store, or someone you’ve just met. if they have your best interests at heart, they are a friend. if they seek to take advantage of you by constantly asking for favors or pressuring you into things, they are not your friend. if they ignore you constantly and only reply when they feel like it, they are not a friend. friends can also be animals!

what happened to me with the people who abused me...it happened. it happened and it passed. i KNOW that they are wrong. i KNOW that they are lying. i KNOW they were trying to hurt me, and use me, and threaten me, and tarnish my name, make me panic, incite negativity in me, and so on. i know what they’re trying to do, and it wont work. it will never, ever work anymore, because they dont matter to me anymore. what people will believe, thats not up to me. i know who my allies and friends are, and they are people who have my best interest at heart, and i trust them enough to know that they wont listen to the abusers. they know im not lying and they know i’m their friend. i am above the people who abused me, and i’ve moved on.

jealousy is a natural human feeling that should not be bottled up. if you’re feeling jealous, let your partner know so you can work something out. do NOT, however, say guilty things that put yourself down. it’s like saying “nice art! i cant draw for shit” to an artist - it’s wrong and makes everyone feel bad. try to word your concern in your own nice way.

[thefanficmonster]

Begone

Streamer Gang & Asexual Reader (Gender Neutral)

Warnings: Acephobia, Swearing

Genre: Platonic Fluff, Comfort, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: Having recently come out as asexual, Y/N faces some less than pleasant or appropriate responses in their chat during their stream with the gang. Luckily, they’re not alone in battling the haters this time.

Requested by the lovely Anon who told acephobes to begone, yeah you know who you are hehe. Thank you so much for the request darling! Let’s show these acehobes who they’re messing with! Love, Vy ❤

Boy is this nerve-wrecking or what? Sure, I maybe woke up with a ton of confidence, I listened to motivational and uplifting talks and listened to mood boosting music. I had a healthy breakfast and a cup of coffee. Damn it, I went on a run, all in an attempt to convince myself that dealing with the online world again is but a piece of cake for a badass like me. Well, low and behold, that feeling didn’t last very long. Here I am, chewing my nails off at the though of hopping in the Discord call and Among Us lobby with my friends and starting my stream. It’s not like I’m not expecting my friends and fans to support me - of course I am! I know they’re gonna give me a ton of love and appreciation and support and uplift me no matter what. But then again, there’s still those people who believe me and other people like me to be invalid and broken and whatnot.

Those are the ones I wanna avoid. 

It’s not like their words mean much to me but I simply don’t wanna see em, you know? It’s not only about me - it’s least about me actually - it’s more about all those wonderful people they are insulting when they say shit like that about asexuals and all the people on the ace spectrum. I can’t help but flare up and get angry on the behalf of all my ace friends and even people I’ve never met.

It’s also my first time being directly thrown into the fire instead of getting caught in the crossfire seeing as how I came out to my fandom via a tweet and an Instagram post a week ago, telling my identity’s truth: finally bringing my asexuality to the surface to shine its brightest so I can be be my best and reach for my full potential.

But damn am I afraid to see how everyone took it. 

My friends were quick to jump in and take me offline before I start refreshing my own posts to see the comments under them. Lord knows that without them I would’ve driven myself insane, I’ll forever be grateful for what they did and the lengths they went to to keep me offline and whatnot. One word to give you an idea of how invested they were in this: origami. All of us might as well have been born with two left hands and yet we still tried doing origami. Freaking origami.

Damn do I love my friends.

But now I don’t have sheets of paper and my friends to distract me. I have a fanbase to entertain and another friend group I haven’t talked to in a while. I don’t wanna get any predictions in already so I don’t jinx myself, so I’m just gonna say it’s gonna be...interesting regardless of what happens.

Then again, when is it not interesting when the streamer gang’s involved.

Deep breaths, Y/N. You got this

Listening to that encouraging little voice inside my head, I finally equip my headphones and in one fluid motion turn my camera on, officially starting my stream and unmuting my mic as I hop in the call with everyone.

“Hi guys! Guess who’s returned!“ I exclaim cheerfully, desperate to hide the nervousness of my voice.

“You really missed your opportunity to say ‘guess who’s back...back again’ didn’t you?“ Charlie is the one who greets me first, sounding rather disappointed in me in his usual jokester manner. It’s nice to hear, it makes me feel like nothing’s changed in the week I’ve been gone. Like I’m still the same person to these people. I really am the same, I just now am a lot better version of myself. Almost as though I’ve reached my final form. It feels empowering really. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding.” Charlie laughs again, “Congrats, by the way. You keep proving you can get cooler and cooler.“

“Careful there Charlie, I can only handle so large of an ego.“ I joke back, rolling my eyes playfully as a wide grin spreads across my face, “No, but seriously, thank you so much, man. It means the world to me that you support me.“

“Um, how could we NOT?“ That’s very clearly Rae, “Hun, you are so brave and amazing and wonderful, how could we ever NOT support you?“

“Yeah, we’ll always support you no matter what, Y/N. We’ll always be your friends, through thick, thin and beyond.“ Poki too interferes, her words only making my smile wider.

“Alright, alright, y’all are gonna make me cry and I haven’t even read my chat yet, hold on.“ I say, fanning my face to dry the tears I hope the webcam isn’t spotting, “Darn, you guys are the best. Sorry, give me a sec to gather my composure, I’ll be right back.“

I quickly mute my in-game mic as I turn to my chat where I see the same amount of love and support in the form of comments and emojis flooding in from my viewers. A warm feeling spreads throughout my chest, making me feel the most comfortable with myself I’ve ever felt. The most loved I’ve ever felt. The most seen and understood. To finally be you feels like you are finally really living in this world, not like you’ve been already living in it for God knows how long. It makes me so freaking happy and fulfilled to finally be living as me, as the real me.

Unfortunately, in life, nothing can be 100% pure and good. There’s always at least 1% there threatening to ruin all your happiness you worked so hard to build or obtain. It may be one in a hundred, but fuck it’s powerful and effective.

And in my case it comes in the form of two comments that stick out to my eyes. Acephobic comments saying my identity’s fake, claiming I’m faking it, saying us acephobes are immature creatures who refuse to grow up, or attention whores. Or just saying we’re delusional and in denial, confused about who we are.

I hadn’t even realized I was clenching my jaw and fists but when I do, I slowly relax my muscles and crack my knuckles before addressing the two people who spat out that nonsense.

“Ok, listen here, shooterpro69 and yourmom_lol. For starters, I want to apologize for your ignorance and lack of education on the matter of asexuality. In fact, for you especially, I plan on making an educational video, explaining asexuality to people who need or want to learn more. You, my friends, are in desperate need to be fed some knowledge cause damn, God knows how many people secretly think you’re hella stupid. Not that they’re wrong to think so but anyway. Unless you have anything nice or positive to say, begone from my chat. Actually, when I think about it, begone from every chat. No one needs you polluting their communities with acephobia and hate.“ I say, all spoken in a calm tone despite the boiling anger within me. People who know me well would probably be able to tell I’m fuming underneath the calm façade, but at least I got my message across loud and clear.

“WOO HOO, You tell em Y/N!“ Toast cheers, clapping his hands and whistling as more cheering arises from each my friends, leaving me in a state of mild shock and confusion.

Wait, what?!

“Um, wait, you guys heard that?“ I ask, my eyes darting to thein-game mic symbol that shows an not crossed-off mic, meaning it was enabled during the entirety of my speech.

“Hell yeah we did! You slayed them, Y/N! Damn goddamn!“ Rae whistles too, her enthusiasm wafting over me like a breath of fresh air.

“I second that!“ Corpse joins in, “And remember what we said - we’ll support you through anything. Need to bury an acephobe’s body, we’re the people you should call.” He says, confident as heck.

And I just can’t hold it in anymore - I burst out laughing, doubling over from the intensity.

If I thought I was happy and fulfilled before, this has to be the closest to paradise I’m gonna get on Earth.  All thanks to these wonderful people. Friends are really something else aren’t they: they come into your life - often unexpectedly - and change it completely. Suddenly you’re not alone, you’re not forced to deal with everything and face everything on your own. Someone’s got your back and you’ve got theirs.

Through thick, thin and beyond.

And it’s so fucking amazing.

@maat-the-prescriptive  @simonsbluee  @save-the-sky  @itsminniekat  @hacker-ghost  @bi-andready-tocry  @imtiredaffff  @jazzkaurtheglorious  @hereforbeebo  @fandomgirl17  @chrysanthykios  @maehemscorpyus  @loraleiix  @letsloveimagines  @annshit  @i-cant-choose-a-username-help  @enigmaticmaze  @divine-artemis  @waterlilypat  @idontknowwhatthisisfam  @evi-ka  @classyandfabulous00  @redperson58  @lilysdaydreams @solowheein  @mythicalamphitrite  @axen-gers  @luckygirl144  @nj01  @buddyemily   @the-albino-lioness  @stardream14  @gdhdkfnn  @nomadicgypsyy  @preciousskye  @fluffysuicideunicornsworld  @o-kaelin  @manacharlotte  @awkward-youtube-trash  @lolalee24  @bonky-beerns  @meme-lord-and-savior-sebastian  @strawbrinkofdeath  @teenloves  @tams0527  @browneyespinkhair  @starstruckllamapuppy  @daisychains012  @y0ulooked  @tinytacosuitcaseflap @supernatural-is-my-only-life  @jula-pauline  @melodykitty  @just-that-bi-girl  @crazybutconfidentaf  @lowellshade @alphakees  @bellero  @weallneednamjesus  @starryhanji  @boiled-onionrings  @husherstan  @fockingwhore  @melaningoddessthings  @prettypastelpetals  @haleypearce  @godwhyamiawkward  @y-napotat  @daisychainyoonmin  @little-miss-rebel3  @free-wheelin-bi-sexual  @redmoon261 @darkacademic2  @wiseflamingoqueen  @into-the-end  @namikhai-i  @nastiablr  @thelittleplantlover  @mirktuan  @dont-hyuck @jjk-bunny  @vintagegothlover  @easygoingtheatre  @itsrandombooklover  @miiaivi  @emmybaybee  @befourgolden  @jjk-is-my-shit  @eternalteaaars  @spacebadgerx  @princesslunalight  @acequinn14  @samm48  @misselsbells06 @simp-lykawa  @fo-love  @marishimomura-blog  @therealglenncoco  @cinnamonbun332  @killtherandomness  @sanshinexxxsan  @fee-btheweeb  @press-lay  @cathleenpotgieter16  @jazzydoesstuff  @moonlxghtbay  @forestrain2000  @hyunjinhugs  @blood-of-fandoms  @lovellylies  @ukiyolixx  @simpforhpcharacters  @chrisdylan17  @parkerjisung  @pedernille  @theodonyous  @wineandionysus  @malfoystilinskii05  @morbid-x  @coryisagee  @jessewa26  @scoobydooluver97 @mindintheskies365  @raeanneinwonderland  @indecisive-empanada  @gluttonypalace  @loriane2503  @btsiguess-kpop  @khaoticbunny  @lucidlycactus  @smiithys  @rottenroyalebooks  @kpopgirlbtssvt  @fangirl-tc27  @fr0z3n-1  @notmesimpingfortechno  @shotarosleftpinky  @kunoi-chan  @idk-whats-wrong-with-me  @yikeroonie  @goldenstarofthunderclan  @poetry-and-tea  @ama-do-writing-stuff  @wishbonewolf  @emeraldxhope  @t0xick1tty  @kusuinko  @speakyourselfloveyourself  @sophia902103  @lo-manburg  @classsykittykat  @dmgama  @depressedpuppythatneedscoffee  @btsiguess-kpop  @akaashi-baby  @gun-jong-simp  @geschichtenfee  @yerapotato-wp  @browneyedgirl365  @thysagclub  @sparklycloudnight  @helloatomicshadow  @queentorresstuff @vtte @val-gal  @lucy-bunny17  @aaliyahh0  @katluckybear  @boyleanti  @straybids  @franchesca-791  @cosmicstorm19  @averyisbackinthetrashcan  @aomi-nabi  @xlanawriter  @allensimpsforcorpse  @sunnyrae-cessh  @ladykxxx08  @meowiemari