#i cannot stress enough how much i want to go home and they still haven't delivered the damn package get a move already

[totheecore]

📢 DHL MÖVES I CIAPP

[nqmonarch]

Valentines Day w/ HSR Characters!

Doing Calc homework and am very stressed, i can feel it everywhere in my body. the math is just not mathing mentally today (i looked at trigonometric identities today so maybe thats why)

Just writing out some messy ideas to take a break

Btw if u sent in a request and I haven't answered it yet I am working on it thank you for your uh question ask thingy i appreciate it, i like to know what people like to read bcus tbh i like to write anything altho jingyuan gets like +10 points cus he fluffy

Valentines Day With Some HSR Characters (Jing Yuan, Blade, Dan Heng, Stelle)

Jing Yuan

Jing Yuan is old school romantic. You cannot tell me he wouldn't arrive home with a big bouquet of roses (does HSR even have roses?) and 20 other gifts, including but not limiting to boxes of chocolate, teddy bears, and at least one gag gift. There's gotta be at least one, he'd make a dad joke out of it too.

Then he'd reserve one of the best restaurants on the Luofu and bring you there. He'd probably have booked a private room, thank goodness because no one wants to hear the general continuously compliment you until you're a puddle on the floor. What he is best at is attacks. But if he gets a compliment in return he'll freeze up for a moment before playfully returning it.

Jing Yuan doesn't put on his normal coy facade today, instead he just embraces how much he loves you because he's happy to still have you in his life.

Blade

Blade does not know it's Valentine's Day. It's not his fault, cut him some slack. Anyway Kafka probably reminds him that it's Valentine's Day about half way through the day to which he goes into a silent panic. You can't tell he's panicking he's just staring at the wall with a blank face, he actually looks like he wants to murder someone.

The two of you end up celebrating though! He... pulls something together, it really is something. Sure he smells like blood and the waiters are scared, and taking over this restaurant for a Valentine's Day dinner was definitely not in the script but... It could be worse. He's trying his best, really.

Afterwards you and Blade share lots of cuddles! Something he's pretty good at! Holding you just tight enough, and keeping you close to his side-- you just won't be able to get up if you want to get water or anything. He doesn't say too much but you can feel the love in each caress.

Dan Heng

Dan Heng doesn't really like going out, why would he when all he needs is right by his side? So the two of you stay on the express in the archives. What matters isn't where you are but the company. He'd probably get you a few trinkets from different places he's collected over the years, a necklace, a sick looking compass, whatever fits your vibe.

Dan Heng would probably also write you a love poem, and make you read it or awkwardly recite it in front of you. If you read it out loud though he will get unbelievably embarrassed and snatch it away from you. He'd give it back but he'd take some coaxing, be nice okay? His face is already red.

Then when the night draws to a close the two of you would curl up together on that sorry excuse of what he calls a bed. The majority of your body would be on Dan Heng's using him as a pillow, and his arms would be wrapped around your body keeping you still and warm.

Dan Heng's bed is not it man. Personally, I'd get back problems.

Stelle

"You are the one who deserves the golden trash the most," Truly romantic words from Stelle as she hands you a golden trashbag. That is just the first of the gifts she gives you tonight, and the one that's most valuable to her. It's the thought that counts right? You still have no idea what she's talking about when she mentions fighting Sampo as a trashcan...

The two of you spend a romantic night together, walking down the quiet streets of Belobog, and-- did Stelle just investigate a trashcan again? You should be used to this. On the bright side, every time she gets something cool she comes up to you with the biggest smile on her face, it's beyond adorable. Sometimes the trashcans even have good stuff, like a scarf Stelle lets you wear that thankfully doesn't smell like trash.

It's just good to spend time with the person you love. She spends her time catching you up on everything new from her adventures, and when it's too cold to stay out any longer the two of you head to the Astral Express. Where you shower together and then doze off on one of the Express' couch cushions while playing games. Your head rests against Stelle's reminding you, you're never alone.

Okay I need to get back to homework, fun break thanks guys. Imagine being alone on Valentines Day couldn't be me, I have my Calc Homework. It told me I was integral to it <3 legit peak partner material.

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

hello I just got caught up on the free chapters of tto:u and I just wanna thank you for making it! I had to go on a pretty stressful family trip this past week, and I had to fly (which I'm terrified of, not for logical reasons but for phobia reasons. irrational fear of heights runs in my family) and honestly this story got me THROUGH that week. i can't stop thinking about it, in a good way. it's getting me hooked on sci-fi again, falling in love with the genre all over again. I keep thinking about arborea, about a hacker obsessed with retro-futurism who plays doom on the side of buildings, about bees and sleeping in a nest in a tree. i haven't felt this way about a sci-fi story since I first read the Wayfarer's series, and that story permanently changed my brain chemistry. you write in a way that is so easy, getting across dense exposition in a way that Feels quick and easy and digestible, but grows like a fungus once it's inside my head.

I spent the flight over crying like a baby. I spent the flight home rereading ttou from the start, and all the fears I had about flying seemed so small compared to aspen crawling along the hull of the Courageous hours after waking up from a months/decades long coma. there's this current of teeth-gritted hope and a stubborn will to survive just a little longer, no matter how bleak the future looks, that I cannot get enough of. it's in all your work, but ttou resonates with something in me that's very unique.

basically just wanted to send you a reader's love letter. you did also make me miss SEVERAL buses, because I kept thinking 'ill just read this next paragraph and keep checking the road, there's no way I'll miss this next one by getting too distracted to notice the bus pass me" which honestly, is entirely my own folly. I knew what this story does to ADHD readers. still, getting home late was worth reading more. it's just so damn good.

also (apologies if you've answered this before), does TTO:U have a planned ending? I see the chapters titled but not yet available to read, and I'm not sure if those are available on Patreon or if those are the planned final chapters? I desperately never want to stop reading new chapters of this, but of course I understand that isn't likely Actually feasible. no matter how much is left though, I look forward to reading more, and to finding new things in the previous chapters to fall in love with

I'm so glad you're enjoying it! There's always another bus coming :P

TTOU is 183 chapters long, so you'll be getting the ending pretty soon. Patrons already have the whole thing. After TTOU, there'll be a new story called Child of a Wandering Star, which has bug aliens in it.

[chronicbeans]

Puppeteer Wally Darling x (G/N) Puppet Reader

idk if this will be a series or just a one off so LET'S GOOOOOO (if you want a part two, let me know in the comments of this post.

TW: Obsessive and Possessive Behavior, Kidnapping? (Can you kidnap a puppet? IDK but we're putting that warning just in case), Controlling Behavior

Wally Darling grins widely as he puppeteers the star of the show, (Y/N) (L/N), in a scene within their home. As sad as he is that he cannot voice them, as well, just bringing their personality to life through their motions is enough for him. Voicing his beloved (Y/N) is all up to Sam, their voice actor/actress. Sam, who also happens to be out sick, today. Just like yesterday. And the day before that...

"Aaannddd... CUT! Great job, Wally. You did great! If only Sam were here. Have you heard any word from them?" The director sits back in their chair, staring at the puppeteer on set. Everybody has been asking him about Sam, today. Why are they asking him? Is it because they don't get along?

"No. Sorry. I haven't heard a word. They don't tell me anything." "Alright. Well, you can go take a break, Wally. You've been filming for about... Woah! I must've lost track! You've been filming for NINE hours straight! Isn't your arm tired from being upright for so long?" Wally shakes his head, grinning as wide as a Cheshire. "I can't feel my arm at this point... but I can keep going! I'm always happy to keep going! (Y/N) means so much to me-!"

"Take a break, Wally... And put that puppet back in the storage, will you?" The director looks over to one of the camera people, telling them to turn off the camera, before muttering to themself "He's an amazing puppeteer, but Jesus... He treats that thing like it's alive..."

He quickly runs to his little office, taking (Y/N) with him. Placing the puppet on his desk, he gives his arms a rest as he lies back in his seat. Letting out a long sigh, he looks over to the limp puppet on his desk. Sitting it up and leaning it against a pile of books and folders, he smiles. Surely, the director won't mind if he keeps (Y/N) out of that dingy old box for a little while... As long as they get back in there by the time he leaves, it should be fine.

"I wonder why everybody keeps asking me about Sam, (Y/N)? Do they think I did something to them? Sure, we don't get along, and they clearly don't have as much passion for you as I do! I would never hurt them, though! Do you think I would hurt them?" He looks down to the puppet, smiling. Of course, it doesn't answer. It still feels nice to act like (Y/N) answers and understands. "Thank you for the kind words. It really helps! I love working with you, but the others can be so stressful, sometimes!"

Wally looks away for a moment, checking a few papers on his desk. His schedule seems rather empty for the next week. He had already gotten most of the filming for the episode done today! Only two more scenes require (Y/N). He wishes that there were a few more, to be honest. He prefers working to having nothing to do all day. Maybe he-

"Where... WHERE AM I?!"

Wally's eyes widen, hearing the familiar voice. He looks over to (Y/N), seeing that they have now toppled over onto their side. Their arms flail slightly, as they squeak out "Where am I?! Who? What?! This isn't the neighborhood!"

As much as he wants to squeal with excitement, they are being rather loud. That, alongside the fact that they are voiced, and still sound like, Sam... and people are a bit suspicious of Wally for some reason... He quickly grabs them, placing a hand over their mouth as he quickly says "Be quiet! Someone might hear! I'll explain as much as I can! Just be... Quiet. Here, let me help you back upright."

He picks the puppet up, feeling them squirm a bit in his hands, then sits them back where they were. They raise their arms, which shake as they do so. As they look up to him, he feels his heart swell with joy.

He doesn't know how this has happened... And, frankly... He doesn't care. (Y/N) is talking! (Y/N) is moving! (Y/N) is... (Y/N) is alive! Shaken, yes, but still alive! It's his greatest wish come true! All the work he's put in to bring this character that he loves oh so much to life... Did he have something to do with this? Did his wish for (Y/N) to be able to talk back, move, and live a life in his world make it actually happen?

It doesn't matter. All that matters is that his little puppet is here, in front of him, and able to truly interact with him.

"What's going on...?" Their legs shift slightly, but not much. "Why do my legs feel weird? I can barely move my legs?!" Wally pats their head, saying "Shh... It'll be alright. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what is going on, either. I can tell you where you are, though. First thing's first, though... I'm Wally Darling! I already know who you are, (Y/N). Before you ask, I'll let you know how I know your name."

He goes through everything. The studio, the show, how they are a puppet. To his shock, they already knew they were a puppet, just not exactly what it meant... They didn't know somebody was controlling them in their world. The poor little thing seems so confused! It looks like their head is spinning!

He picks up (Y/N), grinning from ear to ear as he says "Don't worry, (Y/N)! I'll keep you safe! This world is large and dangerous for a puppet like you! I, as your kind puppeteer, will make sure you are safe from harm!" To his shock, (Y/N) only flails, saying "I want to go back to my world! My neighborhood!"

Wally's eyes widen. They want to go back? To leave him? He knows that it is the right thing to do, but he simply cannot have it. As much as he wants to make his lovely little puppet happy... they can just learn to be happy with him! There's no reason why they can't, right?

A simple shake of his head was all it took for them to visibly lose hope. "I'm afraid I can't do that. I care about you too much to let you go back! Think about it... I explained how your world is a show, right? It is like... think of it like a little lie. Would you rather go back to your world, cursed with the knowledge that everything you say and do, see and hear, and all your friends, are just a lie? That it isn't real? Or would you rather stay here, where everything is real?"

(Y/N) shakes their head, again. "I could go back and tell them the truth! I could let them know what is going on! I could-" "Not if I don't let you. I control what you do in that world. If I don't let you tell them, then you can't." "I still want to go home. I want to see my friends, again. I want to go back to Home and take a rest." "You can take a rest at my house!" "I WANT TO GO HOME!" "Be quiet! The others might notice! I might be treating this like it is normal, but if others saw you moving about, they would scream! Stay still-!"

Wally quickly places his hand over their mouth, again, as the director walks in. "What is going on in here?!" Wally chuckles, nervous, as he says "I'm just practicing my (Y/N) impression! You know, since Sam has been out for a while. We don't want to get behind on episodes just because they are gone! Who knows when they will be back?"

The director's eyes trail to the limp puppet in the man's hands. "I thought I told you to put that thing away! Why do you still have it out?" Wally flinches, quickly thinking of an excuse. "Well, I needed to practice not only the voice, but also puppeteering while talking. Since I usually only have to puppeteer, I thought it would help to practice doing both?" The director sighs, nodding.

Then, the best words he has ever heard come out of their mouth happen.

"Just take that puppet home with you, if you want. You clearly have something wrong in the head to be so... ungodly attached to it. You'd probably would keep it in better condition than when we leave them in the storage boxes, anyway."

With that, the director slammed the door to Wally's office shut. The puppet in Wally's arms began to move once more, looking up to Wally with fear. They immediately begin to squirm, trying to get out of his grasp, only for him to hold them still with ease. "Come on, (Y/N)! Let me show you just how much you'll love it here! I'll show you how happy your show makes the children of this world, as well as how much fun this world can be! Anything for you to stay, (Y/N)!"

He grabs a small, cardboard box, then places the struggling puppet inside. Quickly stapling it shut, he then pokes a few little holes into the top. Yes, technically, a puppet cannot breathe, but he still feels bad keeping them in a dark box during transport. Picking up the box, he takes it to his car, saying "Don't worry. The ride will be short. I love relatively close to the studio! Just stay calm, alright?"

"LET ME OUT! WALLY! WALLY! LET ME GO!!!" The box shuffles in the car seat, the puppet inside clearly being in distress as he drives down the road. "WALLY!" (Y/N) peeks out of one of the holes in the box. "I don't know what you are doing, but you are clearly not being a nice neighbor! LET ME GO!" "It's too late. Even if I wanted to, we are already at my house! Come on, let me show you around!" "You could just drive me back-" "LET ME SHOW YOU AROUND!"

He quickly swoops the box into his arms, carrying it into his house as the puppet inside throws itself against the cardboard walls, attempting to escape. He rushes inside, closing the door behind him, before placing the box on his couch. Popping open the lid, (Y/N) pokes their head out, frantically looking around the room.

Their face would've grown pale, if it could've, as they survey the room. Their expression twists, as much as their felt face could allow, into a look of anxiety and fear. Looking around, Wally is slightly confused. What could be wrong with his home? There isn't anything that is obscene or dangerous, as far as he is aware. Then, it hits him.

This place is Wally sized, not (Y/N) sized. The small puppet, who is only around 3 feet tall, give or take, will have a bit of trouble navigating his home. Especially with the fact that they don't seem used to their puppet body. Normally, he would feel bad or sorry, then help accommodate his beloved little puppet. Considering the fact that they clearly want to escape him, however...

This is perfect.

Even more so, because felt hands won't have as much traction and grip on things like doorknobs, windowsills, and the likes. It's going to be harder for them to try to get out without his permission. As much as he hates knowing that he is making (Y/N) unhappy, it truly is for the best!

"Aww... (Y/N), this will only be for a week! Then, I have to go back to work! Maybe... Maybe, when I puppeteer you at work, on set, you'll go back to your world? Just wait. If my theory is true, you'll be back in no time!" The puppet nods, folding their arms. They look away from Wally, clearly upset and full of dismay.

Wally picks up (Y/N), holding them in his arms gently, almost like he is cradling the most precious thing in the world. To him, he is. Nothing could compare to (Y/N)! The effect they have had on the children who watch the show brings him such joy. The way they talk about kindness, acceptance, generosity, and creativity is all that he has wanted to see in life. He has always wanted that kindness, that acceptance, and affection for himself! Now, he can. Now, he can have (Y/N).

His co-workers may call him crazy, saying something is wrong with him... having crushes on fictional characters is childish in their eyes- something an adult shouldn't do. They've been on his back for him talking to the puppet like it could talk back, how he never seems to let it go, and how his little obsession is made stranger, considering that he puppeteers the character. They've always told him that (Y/N) isn't real and to let go. Jokes on them, because now Wally's precious, sweet (Y/N) is real! They're real and they're his.

[sasori-rp]

Do's and Don't's with Hate-Comments

In the wake of recent events, I was inspired to create this blog as a guideline for all those who struggle with this. I'm sure many of you (if not everyone) has received some form of hate in the past.

They come in the shape of anonymous asks, vicious comments, reblog rants and DMs and go far beyond this platform. It's important to share knowledge on how to deal with the situation in a healthy and mature manner, that allows you to preserve your mental health and sanity.

So without further ado, let's get into this, shall we?

Quick Info

Before we start with the Do's and Dont's I want to give you a quick disclaimer on what we're dealing with here. Keeping this in mind, will hopefully help you stay grounded and prepared.

People who send hate - we'll call them Haters for simplicity - are energy vampires. They're usually deeply unhappy people who lack self confidence and carry a lot of frustration in their hearts. This can be because they dislike how the world is evolving, because they get mistreated at home or simply because their hormones are overwhelming and they haven't learnt how to subtract their emotions when criticising something they disagree with.

When they send you hate, it releases adrenaline in their body, a so called kick that they use to vent their frustration. Anyone who has been angry in their life before knows, how satisfying it feels in the moment, to tell the other person how much of a dick we think they are. You probably also know the excitement of getting a reply (even a positive one) when reaching out to a celebrity, a blog or your crush for example. This feeling of excitement is what they look for.

The more vicious the comment, the better they feel when not only getting a reaction from you, but also safely getting away with it. Because truth be told, no hater has the courage to insult you in person. They're anonymous, so they don't have to face the consequences of their own actions. They're getting entertainment in the safety of their own homes, while you suffer.

So, what can we do about it?

Do

If the harrassment continues, block the user.

The first thing you should do when receiving a nasty comment, is delete and ignore. That is your default reaction. Your time and wellbeing is sacred. Do not waste your energy by interacting with them. Giving them attention will only increase their actions. Do not respond to them. Only exception: you can think of a genuinely hilarious, humorous answer to it. You're then using their hate and turn it into fun and play, making it a positive experience for you. (Dissing is not humour in this scenario)

Take a break and take care of yourself. Surround yourself with kind people, do something you enjoy. Don't allow it to consume you. Self Care is very important to staying balanced. Eat healthy, sleep well and don't overwork yourself.

Reach out to friends. Asking for help is human. Allowing your friends to comfort you, will help you feel less alone.

Reach out to a helpline. Sometimes we don't have someone to confide in. There are helplines where you can pour your heart out and get advice from.

If you feel that your mental health is deteriorating, seek help from a therapist. They can give you tools to navigate your feelings and will help you sort your inner battle out. Seeing a therapist is not a weakness; it shows you're willing to make an active change for your health. Props you you, I'm the first one cheering you on!

If the harrassment still continues and threats are made that make you genuinely fear for your safety, reach out to Tumblr Staff and/or the police.

Spread love and kindness. I cannot stress this enough: Do you want to know how to really combat hate? Be happy. Live your best life and create beauty. Give kindness to others and don't let someone's ill intent poison your own. It's that easy. Because nothing in this world disarms hate like genuine care and understanding, confidence in your own worth and awareness of your value.

Don't:

Don't try to justify yourself in response to them. Haters are not here to communicate and find a solution. They will not listen to reason; you can use your time for better things.

Don't insult them back. The argument will quickly spiral out of control. And this is the internet. Someone will use what you said against you. Don't let your anger dictate your actions

Don't post hate posts and rants talking about them. Don't post hate and rants in general. It feels cathartic in the moment, but it will bite you in the ass later. (It also, again, gives them much more attention that they deserve. Do you really want to be their entertainment?)

Don't do any of the above things to protect your friends, either. Friends are here to support you, to give you a shoulder to cry on and cheer you on. Not to tear others down. Regardless of wether they deserve it or not. It's going to backfire, trust me. Stand up for them, yes. Stand up for them by lifting them up, not by tearing down others.

Don't start bashing their account with hate in retaliation

-> Lastly, it's okay to make mistakes.

Don't tear yourself down over you being a human being and extend the same grace to others too. Apologising doesn't make you weaker, it shows that you're mature and willing to learn. And forgiveness is never about you forgetting what happened, but making peace with it; freeing your mind and heart from it, so you can move forward.

I hope this blog helps you make a difference for your life and that of others. Remember, you're a valid, worthy human being deserving of love and kindness. And so is everyone around you.

As always, my DMs are open for questions and discussions. Please try to not spam the comments too much, it gets confusing to detangle. I wish you all a lovely day/night💜

Thank you all for listening!

@izumi-uchiha-anon

@kisame-hoshigaki-rp

[justagalwhowrites]

i’m interested to see how joel would react to doc getting killed!! or bitten…. i love the angst tbh! 😅 maybe during that awkward time period where they weren’t really talking but still hooking up.. they still loved eachother so much couldn’t say it because they “hated” eachother 😮

OMG Hi Bestie! 

OK so because I'm a masochist (who shares in this fun hobby of tormenting myself with images of pain with someone who shall remain nameless) I've thought about this a lot. Shared below, with permission, is some of the noodling I've done on this topic with the aforementioned anonymous person who likes to give me INCREDIBLY ANGSTY AND DEPRESSING THOUGHT EXERCISES I SWEAR THIS IS A TWO WAY STREET Y'ALL. Please note that none of this is in story format and Doc is she instead of you because that's how I think about the fic in abstract terms? I guess? I don't know lol it's a mess in my head.

ANYWAY 

Putting this below the cut because it's probably a step beyond angst. I cannot stress enough that this is like... super depressing and also COMPLETELY RAW AND UNEDITED, all I did was pull out comments/prompts from the other person out of respect for them. So please limit your judgement as much as possible this stuff is real bad lol 

Below is Joel if she got bit on the Harvard run.

how terrified he was when he thought she might be bitten, how the first place his mind went was "I can kill her and I'll only need to be around for a few seconds after she's gone"If she got bit and he needed to kill her, he'd try so hard to keep it together for her. She'd be low key panicking and be like "Please don't let me turn into one of those things, please just kill me, please" and he'd just brush her hair back and hold her face in his hand all gentle and be like "I won't baby, not gonna let you go through that, OK? I've got you, it's OK. It'll be real quick, won't feel a thing and I'll be right behind you, OK? I'm right behind you, it's OK" and he'd hold her when he did it so she didn't feel alone and he'd keep holding her when he did it to himself, too

If Doc died in the tub the night that Joel left her in the QZ 

Joel is trying to avoid herTommy goes to the clinic that day and she's not there, which he expects because she's not supposed to be there on Sundays, but hears someone say her name and how they aren't sure how they're going to cover everything without her and there's a "...I still really miss her" at the end and he's like "wtf' and so he asks until he finds someone who will actually talk to him and he's like "no, we're old friends, I just haven't seen her in a few weeks, what happened?" and Marta just kinda looks at him like "how can you not know this" and says "She died. They weren't really sure how, if she did it on purpose or if she passed out but she drowned in her bathtub" and Tommy is, of course, reeling because he loved her, too. But he's also like "Oh fuck I have to tell Joel" and he's kind of in a daze and just walks around the QZ for a few hours and he gets home and Joel is just like "the fuck is your problem" and he's like "Joel... brother, you... I need you to sit down, OK? Need you to just... stay calm for me, OK?" and he says her name and then kinda stops and Joel gets this bad feeling and is like "what" and Tommy is quiet and he's like "what, Tommy. What is it. She fuck up something else, what'd she do, what's going on" and he's just like "She's dead, Joel." and Joel is silent for a minute and then asks what happened and how and Tommy really doesn't want to tell Joel what they told him and so Joel just gets up and Tommy tries to stop him and he's like "Don't fucking touch me" and he goes to Andrew's and he pounds on the door until Andrew answers and Andrew looks like hell, he's lost weight and he looks like he's hardly slept and he looks kind of dead in the eyes until he sees Joel and then he just looks like he wants to just set him on fire and he's like "The fuck are you doing here"

and Joel is like "what happened, you have to know what happened, please, fuck, please tell me what happened to her" and Andrew shoves him and just yells "You! You happened, you fucking happened! She died that night you fucking asshole, she lived for you and she fucking died for you, too. I hope you're fucking happy" and Joel is just practically frozen there and just lets Andrew wail on him for a minute before he looks at him and goes "you must fuckin hate me, right?" "Oh I more than hate you you fucking..." "Good. Kill me. Don't... don't care how just... please, fuck just..." and Andrew just kind of laughs at him darkly and says "No, no I'm not doing you any fucking favors, Miller. I have to live with the fact that I left her alone that night. You get to live with the fact that her blood's on your hands." Jess pulls Andrew back inside and Joel just trudges home but Tommy is kind of waiting for him, he's already stashed all the guns and the knives and he got Tess because he knows what Joel is like when he loses someone like thatand Joel only asked Andrew to do it because he couldn't risk flinching again, he had to do it right this time and he goes for where he keeps his gun as soon as he's in the door and it's gone and Tommy is just crying and he's like "Joel, you can't, I'm sorry..." and he's like "Just give me the fuckin' gun, Tommy! I can't do this, not again, I can't, I can't" and he just drops to his knees and Tommy holds onto him Tommy and Tess take turns, he's literally never alone for months. Eventually they think he can be trusted on his own and he's OK for a while but I think it wouldn't take all that long before he's gone, too it wouldn't be as obvious as a gun, it'd be him making a stupid mistake and getting bit or shot or an accident on a job in the qzand all the time in between he'd be such a shell of himself, Tess and Tommy always sharing a look when it's especially bad like "this has to get better at some point, right?"and when it eventually happens, neither Tess or Tommy are ever sure if it's really an accident or not. Joel wasn't really sure either, he just knew that the last thing he thought of was that last morning before Doc flew back to New York where he got her pregnant in the water and her and Sarah made French toast

SO YEAH that's just the most depressing shit in the world lol 

LOVE YOU!!

[kedreeva]

The ask about Willow reminded me of when a jumping spider accidentally came in with the mail. After showing the little Miss that I meant no harm, I offered her my hand so I could escort her outside but she put two legs on my finger and then immediately backed up, then tried to go elsewhere. When I offered my hand again she did the same thing. Then just refused every time after. (She wasn’t panicking, she just, didn’t want to) When she hopped onto my hand by accident at one point, she immediately hopped off again. But when I offered her a paper towel, she had no problems and happily climbed aboard and waited while I took her outside.

I’m not sure if it was a sensory thing for the little Miss or if my hands happen to have some soap or something on them that she didn’t like, but I thought it was such a cute little encounter!

(And I figured you might get a kick out of it as well, or would maybe have some insight)

I do! It's because jumping spiders actually don't like the feel of human skin very much!

But, they don't like human skin the way wild or even feral cats don't want cuddles or poorly-bred mice are stressed in a cage, or wolves make terrible pet dogs- because they haven't been bred for it! A lot of people are still wild-catching their jumpers, but I cannot stress enough how important it is to turn to and support those who are doing selective captive breeding, especially if they've been doing it for a while. A breeder that keeps selecting for breeders most likely to readily crawl onto a hand will eventually produce slings that don't mind human skin.

The first time Willow hopped onto my hand, she hopped back off again, but she hadn't been held very often since she was still a little i8 sling. The second time, I suppose she was prepared for it, because she climbed right aboard with no qualms and has done the same since. She came from a captive breeder, and one that I will return to for another once Willow passes away in a year or two, because I'm sure by then she'll have even friendlier slings looking for homes.

[chiyoso]

yes, there was absolutely no need to make this, but i wanted to, just to show how deep my love is for the writing fandom, and those who i've encountered along the way.

i. 𝐓𝐄𝐀𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐘𝐒𝐏𝐈𝐋𝐋𝐄𝐃 — @teapartyspilled

SFW, R-18; Genshin Impact Writer.

♡ letter ! nat, i don't know how many times i've said this, but that day, the day where i read your alhaitham oneshot, you truly, truly had inspired me that time, back then i was still in contemplation to return to playing genshin, i wasn't that much of an alhaitham nerd even, but that- that fic, it seriously broadened my views towards writing and fanfiction by so, so much. you literally opened a whole new world for me, inspired me to the point where i began pursuing writing too, i cannot stress that enough, and with that, thank you, thank you and thank you. i hope you're doing okay nat with how life is going for you, ILY, stay safe.

♡ recs; iconic lyney angst/pt 2. Scaramouche Angst Series (heh made me hate scara for a bit, Alhaitham oneshot that kickstarted it all for me.

ii. 𝐀𝐈𝐍𝐄𝐒𝐂𝐑𝐈𝐁𝐄 — @ainescribe / @lychniis

SFW, R-18; Genshin Impact and Honkai Star Rail Writer.

♡ letter ! AINE. One of my first few supporters who supported my first work (Cynosure's Ascendance), wrote so much sweet things to me in my time of need, and also a fucking AMAZING writer. how the fffuuuck did you even manage find me??? SHIT like, i was no one, i was new to tumblr, and then somehow you managed to find the very first fic i wrote where my inexperience was VISIBLE to everyone, even to you—whose fics left me mind fucking blown from how skillful, poetic and your words can be. Fuck Aine, thank you for your continuous support to me, even if i haven't been so damn interacted, ilysm ilysm ILY.

♡ recs; This made me cry (i love you neuvi, zhongli). THIS made me cry harder. THIS STOPPED THE TEARS. THIS was so fucking impactful for me (zhongli oneshot).

iii. 𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐋𝐋𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒 — @wanderingconstellations

SFW, R-18; Genshin Impact, Honkai Star Rail Writer.

♡ letter ! YUAAAA MY CRUSH. MY WANDERER. HEHE. YUA YUA YUA was one of many smut writers that kickstarted my obsessions towards Wanderer/Scaramouche, AND the one who made me think “Mmm... maybe I can write smut for Scara next time,” so YEAH. YOU'RE A WHOLE ASS INSPIRATION TO ME TOO!!!! Let's not forget your sweet ass asks and interactions with me, making me all blush n' all that. I've been noticing your absence lately too, I hope everything outside tumblr is okay, and I wish for limitless opportunities of positive choices to you!!! (I miss you and I hope you're really enjoying the banner I made for you <3)

♡ recs; Threesome with Wanderer & Scaramouche that keeps satisfying me til' now. Breeding w/Scaramouche after he consoles you (My ask). Manipulating Bully!Scara (My ask). Lyney HC THAT MADE ME BLUSH SO HARD.

iv. 𝐅𝐔𝐄𝐋𝐄𝐃𝐁𝐘𝐒𝐀𝐍𝐎 — @fueledbysano

SFW, R-18; Tokyo Revengers, JJK, AoT, Bluelock Writer.

♡ letter ! i plead guilty, your honor. i haven't interacted with you as much, but i really, really genuinely loved reading your tokyo revenger works robyn. you're actually one of the reasons that made me explore more of my writing styles, hence the creation of my hsr fic 'the mara's will' - i created it just perhaps a few days or weeks after reading your if/then series, you inspired and impacted me a FUCK TON TOO. you're also the main reason why i started to take things a bit more seriously and realistically in a writing aspect, given the message you telling me about the words power hold? yeah, that message changed me. thank you for existing and being a writer, robyn. <3

♡ recs; her if/then mikey series. i had a long ass manila mikey-crush phase because of this HNNH. THIS manila mikey bday oneshot hit fucking home.

v. 𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐙 — @antimatterz

SFW; Honkai Star Rail Writer.

♡ letter ! HIII!!! hi enyoo!! i haven't interacted with you a lot, but as a reader (AND FAN) of your works, i seriously SERIOUSLY love the way you write, as well as the poetic goodness you bring in your works!!! your specialty? bringing so, so much comfort with a set story. i was in a state of spiraling depression and was going through a rough breakup when i read your fics, it was after the blade banner too, (the start of my blade obsession cough) so reading your self aware AUs, genuinely impacted me so much at the time, hence inspiring me to make that one jing yuan self aware au comfort fic. you're one of those impactful writers, please remember that! thank you ily <3

♡ recs; all of their self aware hsr AUs (heh) they're all SO comforting it hurts. AND her normal fics, i envy your poetics so much hnn. THIS SELF AWARE BLADE ONE IS MY FAVORITE OUT OF ALL.

vi. 𝐌𝐄𝐎𝐖𝐙𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐀𝐘𝐙 — @meowzfordayz

SFW, R-18; Demon Slayer, Jujutsu Kaisen, MHA Writer.

♡ letter ! fuuuck i haven't interacted with you in awhile too, BUT PLEASE ALLOW ME TO PRAISE YOUR WORK IMMENSELY. i also... couldn't find your tanjiro poetry fic, i wanted to include it in too hnngh. okay but PLEASE KNOW YOUR WRITING IS SO- IT LEAVES ME SO SATISFIED SO MUCHHH!!! i don't know how to word it, but its just... your writing genuinely leaves me full of emotion depending on the genre, like you know how you eat good ass food, your mouth wants more but you can't cause you've been well fed? YEAH THAT, but with emotions. I FUCKING WANT MORE FROM YOUUUUU RAHHH, another explanation is like- the warmth is addictive??? the bubbly, gushy feelings after reading your fic- its so addictive, its why i suddenly yk, come bursting your notifs at random times PFF sorry!!!

♡ recs; my emergency req (sanemi) fuck i was such in a low place at the time. THIS ONE WAS SO FUCKING HEART WARMING AND i just ADORE his characterization here RAHHHH. your honor, if i were to die, let it be near my man sanemi shinazugawa, ty. POETRY W/TANJIRO.

vii. 𝐕𝟑𝐋𝐕𝟑𝐓𝐅𝟎𝐗 — @v3lv3tf0x

SFW, R-18; Writer for a lot of fandoms heheh.

♡ letter ! fuck, you're kinda proving to be my no. 1 most interactive mutual pfft, i've seen you hover eagerly around my blog, always quick to gnaw at my updates, reblogs, all that—WHICH I FIND HEAVILY ENDEARING AND YOUR SUPPORT BRINGS NOTHING BUT GIDDY, ACCOMPANIED WITH DELIGHT. that and you are so damn underrated its insane, no matter what, you are an amazing writer, and i hope numbers won't stray you off from that opinion of mine. genuinely, when you sent off that gojo drabble of a depressive reader pov, shit, did i mention i had a crying spree at the end? i first felt happy finishing the fic because it was inspired by my words, then the dread settled in, the shittiness of my situation, cried a fuckton, then after i calmed down, i went something along the lines of “fuck, shit, that was a good ass crying session” THEN i asked for an alternative good end (since i'm not the type to push people away) FUCK IM RAMBLING OMFG NOT AGAIN

♡ recs; at my time of need, you put out such a HEAVILY comforting satoru fic- or drabble, either way, this one is close to my heart. here's the alternate end to the 1st link nnh.

viii. 𝐕𝐀𝐌𝐏𝐘𝐑𝐘𝐒𝐌 — @vampyrsm

SFW, R-18; Jujutsu Kaisen, MHA, Obey Me Writer.

♡ letter ! its like im writing to a celebrity who doesn't know my existence, but you do. fffuuuuuckkk can i just say how much of a SKILLFUL WRITER you are????? the research you have to do for cor unum, perhaps even greek mythology to your other fics- you put so much calculative thought into your work and word building its INSANE. i aspire to write like you (tough aspiration considering my consistent burnout) BUT EITHER WAY, you're so admirable, i love how you handle gorey, realistic topics, and even if its just fanfiction? the realism is just so scrumptious, you're one of many major inspirations why i've decided to try and handle sensitive topics like cor unum too! and with whatever you're going through- prevail.

just like how sukuna would.

♡ recs; cor unum. cor unum. cor fucking unum. did i mention cor unum? this is a series i fucking wait for EAGERLY in each update (sukuna x you). greek mythology x bakugo is hot as hell HNNGHHFF.

more tba.

[amiharana]

currently declining to study for bio and am instead thinking about college au revalink where they have an apartment together because they are such Boyfriends and link is a bio major because he just Loves Nature but he's struggling with studying (can you see the self projecting😁🙏) he definitely has gifted kid burnout

meanwhile revali is a major perfectionist like if he gets below a 90 on anything he wants to start crying and tbh even a 90-95 is too low for him, don't ask me what he majors in though idk

anyways they are struggling together but link is just not having a good time and is stressing out studying so much he forgets to take care of himself so revali has to get him to remember things like eating regularly or showering or sleeping ANYWAYS i just felt like projecting onto revalink🫶

as a fellow bio major with gifted kid burnout who doesn't wanna study for bio (can you believe i still have a fucking bio lab due tomorrow. it's spring break for me rn. blasphemy.), i 'm 100% all for this projection COUNT ME IN!

link is totally a nature guy but i lowkey feel like he would make a great veterinarian 🥺 he's just a little guy who loves his silly little creatures 🥺🥺🥺 what do you think about revali going to flight school to be a pilot 😳 like i think if revali wasn't doing something viciously intense like. becoming a neurosurgeon or some shit, anything related to aviation is absolutely right up his alley. DEF agree with him being a perfectionist. a 99.9% will make revali lose his shit, he'll be in his professor's office hours taking up the whole time just arguing why he deserves a 103%

link brings home strays all the time and gives revali the 🥺 eyes, and revali is very weak for both link and a cute little creature, but he has to be the voice of reason since they realistically cannot take care of a pet full-time with how demanding school is on both of them. so to compromise, they foster the strays and take care of them with the local vet until they can be taken to a shelter for adoption. link gets hands-on experience which is good for his vet program but he also cries his eyes out every time they send off one of the animals because those are his babies 🥺 link with his strays is that one tiktok that's like BITCH I'M A MOTHER!!!!! NO DRAMA!!!!!

to deal with link's post-foster pet depression, zelda brings her puppy terrako to their apartment to let link cry and play with him, while revali just rolls his eyes (and secretly is looking into surrounding shelters and pet stores to find the perfect pet for the both of them once school isn't so intense for them anymore 🥺)

do you think they have study dates at a cafe or do they stay home and rot in the living room studying together? because i love the idea of study dates but if link is a bio major looking to become a vet and reval is an aviation student trying to become a pilot, these bitches must be stressed out of their mind i think. the week before finals week they're camping out in the living room and haven't slept in their bedroom for a couple days, the room is covered in papers and diagrams and books and pens and markers and flashcards and sticky notes. revali's hair is a mess which is a rare occasion, and it's held up by one of those hair claw clips, he has his glasses on, meanwhile link is lying facedown on the floor having his third breakdown of the hour. in this au i'm thinking that revali is a decent enough cook but neither of them have the energy or the time to go to the grocery store or kitchen to cook an actual meal, so they're living off of takeout and instant noodles for those two weeks. but revali definitely is the one in charge of time maintenance and prying link's ipad out of his hands to make him take a shower or drink water

it all pays off in the end because they both get high grades on their finals!!! link and revali cheer but immediately go to their bed, curl up around each other and sleep for the rest of the weekend because these bitches are exhausted 😭 hashtag ScholarLife

[nausikaaa]

Books I Read In 2023, Part One

In January I decided I wanted to track my reading, as I usually don't really have a sense of how much I read per month or year. I don't like things like Goodreads, so I just jotted down the books I read and what I thought of them in my notes app. Now that we're halfway through the year, I thought I might share what I've read, and then in December I can add part 2. So, without further ado,

January

The Girl From The Sea by Molly Knox Ostertag. 3 stars, a bit slow but generally sweet and fun.

Jackalope Wives And Other Stories by T Kingfisher. 5 stars, every story slapped. would highly recommend if you like dark fairytales with a sense of humour.

February

started Helen Of Troy by Margaret George. I still haven't finished it (she is LONG) but i'm really enjoying it!

I Was Born For This by Alice Oseman. 4.5 stars, it was entertaining and emotional like all of Alice Oseman's books but i have to deduct a half a star for the main character (who is from the south) briefly assuming with no basis that being from north = transphobic and the narrative treating this as a rational assumption and not super bigoted and classist, like what the hell was that about? also via this interaction Alice Oseman managed to find yet another way to mention Durham in her books but this time i couldn't even go "yay i'm from there!" because now have this sense that she thinks i'm predisposed to transphobia because of where i'm from. i cannot stress this enough: what the fuck.

The Prince And The Dressmaker by Jen Wang. 5 stars, so heartwarming and i loved the art! I'm trying to get one of my friends to read it because I just know he'll relate.

March

The Lives Of The Saints by Leigh Bardugo. 3 stars, not really my jam but it adds another layer to her other books, which I really enjoy.

Fun Home by Alison Bechdel. 3 stars, made my head hurt at times because it's kinda convoluted, but still super interesting. the musical is great too. and before you mention it, yes, i am reading Dykes To Watch Out For, but it's not on the list because I just started it, and I will probably read the bulk of it and finish it in July so it will fall under there.

April

Lies We Sing To The Sea by Sarah Underwood. 3.5 stars, i'll be honest, i read this out of morbid curiosity and spite. it was a pretty average for a YA book really, not worth all the drama it stirred up in the classics community, but the end surprised me so it gets an extra half star.

A Fatal Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum: Murder In Ancient Rome by Emma Southon. 4 stars, really interesting and quite funny at times but i just don't really like the author's vibe. she's weirdly defensive of Caligula, just as she was in her book on Agrippina that i read last year. like yeah people make fun of him and exaggerate stories about him but he literally killed people, maybe he deserves it.

May

Messalina: A Story Of Empire, Slander And Adultery by Honor Cargill-Martin. 5 stars, super interesting and engaging, i never wanted to put it down! Messalina really did just girlboss too close to the sun.

I travelled this month so didn't have time for any other books, but I bought my own weight in them and will try to work through them.

June

Rain Hare by Anna Barker. 4 stars, a collection of short stories so a mixed bag. I really liked most of them, some even made me cry (to be precise, How Do I Feel About Lentils?, which does an excellent job of blending past and present to help the reader get into the confused mind of the narrator, who has Alzheimer's, and Tunny, wherein the twist hit me like a sack of bricks and all I could do was break down) but there was just one i didn't really like (Sea Glass, i just don't really vibe with the mentally ill narrator dying at the end and this being presented as what she wanted.)

Through The Woods by Emily Carroll. 3.5 stars, good horror, the art was great and the stories interesting, but they all felt like they ended just a bit too soon and therefore lost some of their impact.

Our Wives Under The Sea by Julia Armfield. 6 stars, yes, i'm straight up giving this 6 out of 5 stars because it was so so good! i devoured it in one day flat and loved it. the horror was atmospheric and gripping, the romance made my chest ache, and the ending absolutely devastated me, but in a good way.

so yeah, hopefully i can continue to get through my massive TBR pile in the coming months! and if you've read any of these books, please let me know what you think, I would love to talk about them!!

[iphigeniainaulis]

...You know how sometimes we are filled with warm thoughts that, for some incomprehensible reason, we refuse to let out? So here are mine.

I've been scrolling down your blog, and post by post, this warmth kept knocking on my heart. I think it is fair I mention here that I don't see there being much merit in forced positivity -- and that I stress that it is very much not the thing that I see here.

However, things are all the more precious this way. Whether I see pain in your posts, understanding and strength acquired through struggle, or "just" sweet joy, it is all so immensely warm, gentle and honest. It feels like walking through an art gallery, except it is also your home and you are wrapped in a warm blanket while enjoying a good mug of tea.

[I think I've used the word "warm" in every second sentence here... But truth be told, I simply cannot find any better word for that pleasant feeling that spills over one's chest and makes one want to smile.]

Even if it’s shameful, narcissistic or simply selfish, I have to admit that I’ve kept rereading this message over and over again.

Lorei, you once wrote that people might pay no attention to your disappearance because of how small your blog is in comparison to others. But I strongly disagree with you. 

Your contribution to Ikemen fandom is everlasting beyond a shadow of a doubt. But this is not the case (or, better say, this is not the only thing that matters). I’ve been here long enough to witness dozens of talented creators. Brilliant artists, gifted writers. Some of them are still here, while others decided to follow a different path. Yet, your place among them has always been so special. It is not just talent, it is your courage to try new things. Warmth (pardon me for quoting you here) that you share with every person approaching you. Endless kindness. It is hard to be a good writer but being a good writer and person is in another league. I haven't seen a single person here who wouldn’t mention how your posts, whether they are personal or for the public, brought a smile to their face or made them reflex, encouraged them to go further. It is very cliche of me, but you seem so dazzling, especially because I know the struggles you’ve been facing, and watching how you deal with them with so much grace, modesty and optimism simply makes me speechless. I am no stranger to jealousy, but with you it’s always been admiration and nothing more. 

So, thank you. This is such an overused phrase, but my limited mind can come to nothing more than that. I think that probably this is a special gift of yours. Knowing what to say when it is needed. This week was too much to bear. Exams, uncertainty, doubts. I tried to never lose hope, but those ‘what if’ thoughts occasionally happened to win the battle. So, hearing that I am strong enough to handle it, when, in fact, I felt nothing but void, was a great relief. 

Thank you.

[lgndrymuffin]

Warning: Pretty sure I have (quiet) bpd. I also haven't seen my therapist in 2 months. Keep that in mind if you plan on buckling down for this whole vent.

Trying rly hard to convince myself that it is not in fact entitled of me to feel disappointed that I was alone all day for my birthday and just got told almost two weeks later that we (my sister and HER friends) would celebrate, only for them to say that they wanted to do smth else so we couldn't do what I actually wanted (literally just play cards against humanity) but I could go with them with 30 minutes notice? And then my sister is gonna be bitchy that it took me too long to reply when I literally went to bed bc it's 7pm so I assumed we just weren't doing anything?? And then also be bitchy that I don't want to do that???

Like I can't even really be mad at her friends bc like they have no obligation to me, I'm just the autistic younger sister. I'm just honestly disappointed in her, bc

1) I actually did stuff for her birthday. We got food, drinks, I made a giant cookie ice cream cake. She had a boyfriend to take her out and I even let her wear my clothes for the date bc she never does laundry and didn't nag her abt it when she didn't give my dress back for a month.

2) My birthday was a complete afterthought to her. The day of, she came home with a grocery store pie at 10pm. Which, like, obviously I'm grateful for, it could have been nothing. But still.

3) it's like she didn't even try to get these plans sorted until the last possible second again, even on take 2 with 2 weeks of prep time knowing what it is I wanted to do.

4) I'm 95% sure the one and only reason she suggested plans tn is because she felt guilty last week that she convinced me to take her to a restaurant bc she was "hungry and on her period" and then said she didn't have any money so I'd have to get it this time and she would get these plans that we're not even going to now. (Our dinner the other night was 115$. Tonight's plans would have been max 60$ for BOTH of us).

5) Pretty sure that because I said no to the things I didn't want to do, we're just literally not going to do anything now. Yay.

And like it's not even actually about the money or anything, I just wanted to spend time with the very few people I care about. I'm just sick of her always overpromising and underdelivering.

I don't think it's too much to ask to be made to feel special 1 day out of the fucking year, and the only person who did is my not-yet-boyfriend, and I still can't even see him because he's not home yet. He's been gone for 4 months, and I miss him, and he was supposed to be back on Monday, but he's still not home. And now I'm working and school starts for both of us next week and I'm scared that it's going to be like last semester and I'm never going to get to see him and he's the only one that I have here.

And on the note of him supposed to be back Monday. My sister is disgusting to live with, which is a whole other fucking thing. But that's the reason I haven't had him over here ever. And I've straight-up told her that. I even gave her advance warning that he was supposed to come back, to give her time to clean because, and I cannot stress this enough, it is literally all her mess. I made it clear that Monday was the earliest hé would be here, and that it would in fact be a continued occurance. Not only did she NOT get the house clean, it didn't happen because she kept saying she would today, today, today, until it was LITERALLY THE FUCKING DAY OF. Then she gave a shitty, half-assed apology before leaving the house about how she couldn't get it all done. All that was done was the bathroom BECAUSE I DID IT FOR HER, when the kitchen is the most disgusting fucking part, and the first thing you see when you open the front door.

And then because I said he wasn't coming that night after all, she went right back to being a fucking slob, like him not coming Monday meant hé never will be. Nevermind the fact she could at least keep it clean out of respect for the fact that she's not the only fucking person that lives here, but no. If I say anything about, I'm being a bitch because she's "trying so hard" (she literally said before we got this place she would hire a cleaner or figure smth out to avoid this, trying to make it seem like i was gonna be at least 50% of the problem when it is in fact 80% her. We've literally lived here 8 months and I've been able to use our kitchen a handful of times, bc it is always disgusting because of her and she only cleans it up just enough to cook for herself and then leaves even more mess behind.

I'm just so fucking done. At this point if it wasn't for my cat, I'd just be living in my car.

[seifz]

A wall of nothing.

It's been too long, no? Last time I was here writing to show a friend, then soon after I wrote out of false hope.. I am not sure why I write now, but I'm trying to get some thoughts out.. or in?

I hate it here.. I hate how barren these fields feel.. I hate how empty my mind is and I hate how I am indifferent to life around me. To be quite fair, there is no life around me: I am either at work dying inside little by little each passing day, or I am at home doing absolutely nothing all day except surf YouTube and maybe play a game or two.. I've become a shell of a man and I hate how lonely this all feels.

It's quite better than the alternative still. It's much better than the usual mess of a storm that follows my mind around anywhere it wanders. It's MUCH better than the times I would not be able to breathe normally out of stress and anxiety that I cannot stop simply because my brain won't shut up for 3 seconds. Weirdly enough, it also felt lonely then..

I'm not alone though. I say that every time but I know it to be true: I am not alone. Not as I used to be, and definitely not as much as I feel I am.. then why do I feel alone? Is it because I am still angry with myself over a destroyed relationship? Or is it because of the loss that followed? Do I feel like I even belong anywhere?

I don't.

It's weird.. I feel nothing. I feel less than the time I thought I'd just write to show off my prowess to a friend.. it was fine, it was good, but it was empty.. I feel less than empty..

I haven't written in ages.. but I still enjoy the process of my fingers typing words quickly as they keep up with my thoughts. I still enjoy the feeling of just thinking using the keyboard and not having to think too hard about what to say because no one will ever see this except those I choose to share with. Even though my blog is public, no one would ever think to read my words because no one knows I write.. and it brings me pleasure thinking I can say whatever the fuck I want without worrying about what anyone might think simply because I am no one.

It's kind of liberating, isn't it? Not being somebody worth following, not being someone worth listening to online. You don't have to care about offending or insulting or even triggering anyone. You're just writing to let go of feelings and thoughts, whichever express themselves faster through your fingers to the screen.

I feel nothing specific at the moment.. I don't know what I'm actually talking about, and I don't feel like I know if I will find a good way or place to stop writing at.. so I might quit while I'm ahead and stop writing abruptly.

Yeah, I will do that.

[heartxdecay]

WHY do bad things always have to happen to me so close together like I did not NEED the combo of an acquaintance I was attempting to befriend blowing up at me and threatening to kill themselves over them deciding I said something I didn't (fuck being autistic why does everyone assume I'm inferring things when I'm actually NOT) and then my stalker who I haven't seen in about a year suddenly decides to show up at my place of work and ask MY BOYFRIEND if I was there (he lied and said I wasn't but I still caught a glimpse of him so he might have seen me) which lead to me finding out he never actually moved like he said he was going to which means realistically he could go right back to stalking and harassing me any time he wants. In the span of like 3 days. And of course right now we're like 3 weeks away from the big traumaversary time from when I left the cult + this is the midst of when I was reporting aforementioned stalker last year so I'm already constantly on high alert anyway. So now I'm constantly struggling just to stay awake let alone work and I already had to drop out of school and lie to my parents about it because the condition of me living here is remaining in school which means since I'm not they're going to kick me out if they know. So I can't NOT go to school AND not work especially because I'm trying to save as much money as possible in order to move out of this stupid hellhole of a "family" home where I'm constantly used as a third parent for my younger siblings. But I'm so tired all the time from stress keeping me awake at all hours and being completely unable to leave fight or flight mode when awake that I can barely find the energy to move, and my work is extremely tiring. I work retail as a supervisor and I have to deal with my coworkers not doing as much of the workload despite all being full time while I'm part time, none of the people I'm in charge of taking me seriously because I'm either younger than them or the same age as them, regular stress that comes with working retail and dealing with customers, and a management change that is leading to us getting a notoriously rude + perfectionist manager who I have personally seen throw an actual tantrum over having to do his JOB. Which means I can't afford to be tired and grumpy because I have to remain professional and productive. But every time something slightly off happens I want to burst into tears. Nobody there respects me and it's hard enough to handle when I'm NOT dealing with all of this. And of course because God hates me all of this happened when I decided to try to cut back on constantly vaping so after incident #2 I immediately gave up on that and I honestly think I've been going through cartridges FASTER. It's genuinely such a struggle every day to not relapse on self harm or turn to alcoholism and I'm not sure how much longer I can last. Especially because my literal only IRL support system is my boyfriend, because my parents are worth jack shit, my siblings are children, and my only "friend" in person is an objectively terrible human that I only still have around because they were my FP for a really long time and I have a hard time letting go of that relationship (every time I try I end up running back) and I just KNOW that if I even TRY to breach any of this with them they're either going to hit me with an "oof/yikes" and nothing else or spread my PERSONAL shit to everyone they know INCLUDING my extremely abusive ex that they refuse to totally cut contact with because it's "mean". which means I actually have nobody to turn to except the internet friends in my phone who for one aren't online all the time and have lives but two since they're my ONLY SUPPORT SYSTEM I cannot keep dumping everything on them constantly or I'll overwhelm them. Not to mention they have also had to deal with the acquaintance I mentioned at the start because they're actually THEIR friend, not mine, so if anything it's an even bigger deal to them. This leaves me with only my boyfriend who I already feel shitty enough about given the raging BPD.

[eldritchsurveys]

1181.

How many pieces of gum have you chewed today? >> Two, maybe? I chew gum a lot, it's a major stim for me.

Any big events coming up? >> Not until April.

Do you know anyone who is paralyzed? >> I don't.

What did you do last night? >> Played some ESO, scrolled tumblr a bit, went to bed around 22:30 or so. By doing that, what time did you go to bed? >> ^

And what time did you wake up this morning? >> The final time? Around 08:00, 08:30.

Have you been debating anything recently? >> I don't think so.

Who was the last person to text you? .

Are there icicles on the sides of your house? >> There are not, the weather has been too warm for that. Do you get intimidated easily? >> I don't think so. I find it a bit absurd to be intimidated by a person, but I do sometimes feel the instinct to fawn in situations where someone has a certain level of power over me.

Does anything on your body hurt currently? >> No.

Are you often trying to escape the inevitable? >> I don't even know how I would do that.

What were the first words you said today? >> I haven't said any words to anyone today, outside of the customary Inworld communications.

Which lyric is your favorite from the song you are listening to? .

Does it hold any memories? .

Why did you last cry? >> I was sad and stressed and dysregulated to fuck.

Did someone see you crying? >> Certainly not.

Do you crack your knuckles? >> Sometimes. I try not to get too habituated to it.

Is it really going to give you arthritis? >> I don't think so, but I still don't want to get too habituated to it.

Are you excited for the new year? .

List three things you are excited for in the upcoming year? .

What is the wallpaper on your cellphone? >> I just changed it (finally) so now it's Randall Flagg fanart for the lock screen and Orin the Red fanart for the home screen.

Where is your best friend right now? .

Can you count to 100 in any other language? >> I cannot.

Do you headbang often? >> Fairly often, since I listen to metal a lot.

Magenta or orchid? >> Orchid. Are you a fan of Rob Zombie? >> Casually. I love a couple of his movies and I think his music's pretty tight even if I don't listen to it regularly.

Last two songs you listened to? >> Seven by Sunny Day Real Estate (a song I do like, particularly the last half, but I decided to take it off Liked Songs for now) and Insignificant by Nevermore.

Are there any shoes you are really wanting? >> There are not. I just want my feet to not hurt, and the majority of shoes seem tailor-made to do the opposite of that. I'm sick of shoes. I wish I didn't have to deal with them at all.

Describe what you are wearing? >> Blue Stitch-patterned lounge pants, black undershirt, black Duff's Brooklyn hoodie.

Look out the window - what do you see? >> Tree branches, the sky, and the top of the garage.

Television or computer? >> My computer is my television. Germany or France? .

Hawthorne Heights or She Wants Revenge? >> I don't listen to either, but She Wants Revenge is the only one whose music actually comes to mind (I don't know if I've ever heard a HH song).

Is your skin sensitive? >> Not especially.

Are you sensitive in general? >> Oh, I absolutely can be.

Who last left you a note? .

Have you ever made a gingerbread house? >> I think I've participated in the assemblage of one, but not very enthusiastically, lol. I'm not much into that sort of thing.

Who did you last get in a fight with? .

Are things resolved between the two of you now? .

Did you have any weird dreams last night? >> Oh my god, did I. It was awful. My subconscious is quite dedicated to pouring every ounce of creative energy we have into crafting elaborate anxiety constructs for us to get lost in. And with the boundless capacity of dream logic, the sky's the limit!

Tell me one thing you remember from it? >> A longtime (I mean 10+ years long) tumblr mutual softblocked me because I just wasn't a warm enough person for them and they got tired of it.

Lets have some lyrics to end this, yeah? >> Let's not (I just have Seven stuck in my head because of the earlier question about songs and I don't really know the lyrics to that one).

[impressiverunaway]

Draft Dump: Why am I still thinking about you? (1/4)

No really, fucking why. Is it because in the time you were in my life I was able to care for myself better, knowing that I was seeing someone. Was it because you were someone I knew of for a long time.. like elementary school long time. Was it because I had a false sense of you being the one for me like I have had with every other man I've had in my life with a romantic interest. What is it. Is it because it was fresh. Is it because I haven't heard from you, when all the other men of my past always reach out after. Is it because you got my message, that I was fed up. That I didn't want any part. Why did I keep letting you back in the first place. My best guess would be that I am hoping you are working your ass off to get yourself right. Something I assume we both want. I am being selfish that you'll get yourself right so you can be someone that can meet my standards. I do want you, because when things are good we have a great connection. I just cannot stand by and partake in you continuing to do nothing about your life. I hope that you see where I am coming from. But, maybe I really don't believe in you. And maybe I think about you often because I pity you. I would have done whatever it took to get us both in a position to do this life thing together, just because that is the type of person I am. I would have guided you and done so much for you out of love. The thing with me too, is I can love any man I am with. I think that has been my biggest struggle, I haven't been able to identify that I can feel that way about any of them. And I haven't been able to see that love doesn't mean a thing. It's not going to help me get to where I want to be and there is no amount of love that can push someone to get somewhere. If his parents haven't done it yet, I'm not going to be able to. There's not even a way that I see, that he could get somewhere in the time that I need him to be. He's not going to make the sacrifices that need to be made, he's not going to cut out the vices that need to be cut out, he's not going to seek the help that is necessary, and he's not going to put in the consistent work to do so. I know he doesn't have the motivation. Well, maybe not always. I do wonder how things are with those that self-medicate with substances and alcohol. I hardly remember the period of time where I often experimented with drugs and the period of time where smoking weed was worked into my daily routine, as if it was a ritual. I don't remember doing much during that time I smoked heavily other than getting through every day like it was a dream. Days all blurred into one. Not doing anything more than waking up with enough time to get high and get ready for work, just to get home from work and get high until I fell asleep and do it all over again day after day. That was until I recall sitting in my living room overcome with an intense thought I hadn't had in a while, telling me that I wanted to die. It scared me. I thought I was past that feeling, that thought. It scared me enough to start making a change. I quit smoking to save money, I got a job interview lined up and I felt so good about the idea of leaving my job at the time that I didn't even hesitate to walk out at the first opportunity. I mean it was meant to be to leave, I should have just planned better and not been as impulsive. Because of it, I took a $3 paycut. Moved back home, and have been trying to build myself back up again. Well it's been 6 years since and counting and I am still living at home. I walked away from a company I enjoyed, lost a friend and connections that I had built while there. But, it was a stressful situation that i couldn't handle. I was, by definition, sexually assaulted by the manager above me. I had no connection with my parents, I hardly spoke to them. The only people I had were a few friends back home, and my roommate/coworker that was very close with him. It took me by complete surprise. It wasn't something that I could have ever been prepared for. At worst I displayed innocent flirtation, playfulness.