#i cannot handle it i always gotta take a breather

[ralvezfanatic]

everytime someone uses orbs when referring to eyes in fics i die a little inside

[babbushka]

The Rabbi Is Coming

Flip Zimmerman x Reader (Darling Jewish Wife AU)

A/N: This oneshot is based entirely off of one of my favorite videos of all time, Company is Coming by Chris Fleming. Every time I see it, it reminds me of preparing for my own family holiday gatherings, so I’ve taken it and run with it lol. I just wanted to write something short and silly for Passover, lol, and I hope you enjoy! 

Also inspired by this prompt sent in by anonymous: From your Passover prompts, will you please do this one for Flip? It sounds just like him!“They tried to kill us. We survived. Let’s eat.”

2k, crack treated seriously lol, humor. Putting a small cw for the Zimmerman’s son, in case folks don’t like reading about kids (this is the last time he’s mentioned for a while I promise lol)

                                                ----------------------

Early in the morning, just after sunrise, Flip yawns and stretches awake. The golden light of morning shines through the curtains that gently move from the breeze of the ceiling fan, and a melody of chirping birds signal the official start of morning. Despite having to get up early for work every day, Flip isn’t much of a morning person. But something about Springtime and the warmth that’s on the way makes him appreciate getting up, even on the weekends.  

“Good morning, sunshine, light of my life – ” Flip rolls over onto his side, ready to coax you out of your sleep as well, ready to kiss you and start the day together, but when he reaches you’re your sleep-snuggled body, he finds the bed empty, and frowns.

Sitting up, he looks around the bedroom. Your side of the covers are neatly made, and Flip can only blink, his frown deepening. He clears his throat, raspy from disuse overnight, “(Y/N)?”

It isn’t until he hears the vacuum cleaner going downstairs, followed by a frustrated groan echoing through the house, that he remembers just what day it is, and falls back onto his pillow with a wince, lighting up a cigarette and scrubbing a hand over his face with a low,

“…Oh shit.”

He checks the clock, sees that it’s practically seven o’clock, and gets out of bed. Pulling on a casual t-shirt and a pair of worn jeans, he leaves his room to see his son standing tentatively in his own doorway, as loud sounds come from downstairs.

“Pop?” The five year old asks with no small amount of hesitation in his voice, immediately reaches for Flip, who scoops him up and balances him on his hip.  

“Mornin’ honey.” Flip kisses his son’s cheek, and the boy giggles, clinging to him as Flip walks down the stairs.

He’s obviously annoyed that it’s not you who gets to wake him up and carry him downstairs, as he normally prefers, but Flip doesn’t know how to tell him that today isn’t a normal day. Still, the boy is always filled with questions, and his little eyebrows furrow into an all too familiar frown as they move closer to the chaos that is you deciding to vacuum first thing in the morning.

“Why is Mama acting like that?” He demands to know, as the two of them stop at the landing, watching as you, still in your pajamas, are fighting with furniture.

“Tonight’s the first night of Pesach.” Flip explains.

“So?” His son challenges, and Flip wants to laugh, because he agrees with the kid, but when you get into a mood like this, there’s no stopping you.

“So, there’s a very special guest coming for dinner tonight, and she wants to make sure the house looks nice and clean for him.” Flip sets the boy down, and he purses his lips, like he’s trying to assess the validity of that, eventually settling on complaining,

“But we already cleaned the house.”

Flip sighs, because he’s right, you spent the entire week cleaning to prepare for Passover. It wasn’t like a normal house cleaning, Passover had special rules that had to be obeyed. One of which, was the complete and total elimination of chametz, or food made from leavened dough. The other, was the koshering of the kitchen.

But he wasn’t so sure his five year old would care to hear about all that this early.

“I know son. Let’s go see what she fixed up for breakfast,” Flip leads his son through the living room carefully, before crouching down to his level and saying very seriously, “And then when you’re done eating, just do whatever Mama says, you hear me? Whatever she says.”

Just then, you come barreling through the living room with the vacuum and a tangle of cord in your hand, shouting at a completely inappropriate volume for the hour, “Zeeskiet if you haven’t made your bed just throw it away it’s too late to make it now!”

The boy looks up at Flip, and Flip immediately shakes his head and amends, “Not that.”

Flip is a good helper. He likes to help, and he wants to help, but sometimes when you get like this, it’s a danger to himself and everyone around for him to try and insert himself into a situation where you are a hurricane of anxious energy. He busies himself with getting your son settled at the kitchen table, giving him a big breakfast of fresh fruit, nuts, and yogurt, before bracing himself to venture back towards the dining room.  

“The Rabbi is coming – get rid of the couches we can’t let people know we sit!” You shout, pointing an aggressive finger at one of the dining chairs, “This chair needs to be pushed in, there cannot be any signs of living in this house.”

Flip is quick to do as you say, even though what you’re saying is nonsense – he knows better than to point that out.

“I don’t care if we have to throw everything out,” You’re mostly talking to yourself at this point, just…loudly, and aggressively, “I want this place looking like a contemporary fusion restaurant by noon.”

It was a miracle and a half that the Rabbi agreed to lead your Seder dinner, and to say that the pressure was getting to you was the understatement of the century. You had everything picked out, what you were going to wear, what Flip and the kids were going to wear; you’d been cooking and prepping all week, and now the day was finally here and you were totally freaking out.

“Flip?” You shout, walking in circles around the dining room, trying to get rid of any possible point of contamination of chametz.

“Yeah?” Flip replies, already knowing that because he’s in the other room, you probably can’t hear him. He already is walking towards you when he hears you again.

“Phil!” You call a little sharper, and Flip huffs out a laugh, his suspicion correct.

“I’m right here ketsl, what can I do?” Flip startles you by suddenly being behind directly behind you, and you throw your hands up in exasperation.

“Oh my god – we need more pillows.” You gesture to the den where the conversation pit is decked out entirely with pillows. “Can you fluff the pillows? I need these things looking fluffed.”

Flip does exactly as he’s told, and the rest of the morning follows suit.

You wandered around the house cleaning; vacuuming sweeping dusting sanitizing every possible surface, the floors, even the ceiling, shouting out random demands and requests like:

We need more flowers. We gotta put flowers in every window. Philly can you put flowers in the kitchen?

We can’t have any clothes! Everyone take off your clothes!

At that, your son cast a semi-distressed look to Flip and asked, an uncertain, “Pop?”

“Not that either!” Flip immediately answered, lest his son think it’s okay to go running around in the nude tonight.

Somewhere around hour two, your mood shifts from manic to meltdown. Your son had been instructed to make sure his toys were all nicely put away in his room, mostly to keep him out of trouble or to prevent any accidental tripping over wires. Flip though, is still running around trying to keep up with you, out of breath from your own chaos.

“What is this?” You yank the perfectly good little towel out of the oven door handle where Flip had just watched you place it, and near-tears, you groan, “This is a dish towel! We need a hand towel! What are we, barbarians?”

He’s about to say something, try to console you or at the very least calm you down, but then you come to a complete and sudden stand-still and point out, “Phil oh god there’s muffins on the counter.”

Frowning, Flip whirled around and wondered how the fuck those even got there. All of your friends knew that there was absolutely no leavened product allowed in the house, Rabbi or no, and he’s trying to wrack his brain around where they came from as you back against the wall.

“Oh my god oh – that’s it -- we have to go into the witness protection program folks!” You chuckle humorously, effectively giving up. “Shalom Rabbi! Welcome to the Zimmerman household. We live outside. We eat mud. And sticks.”

At this, you give one big overwhelmed sigh, and a little sob hiccups out of your chest.

“Hey,” Flip frowns, kicking himself for not trying to get you to take a breather earlier than this, “Hey it’s going to be okay.”

Flip gets down on the floor with you, and pulls you into a tight hug. You shove your face under his neck and cry it out, and Flip soothes your back. He knows how big of a deal tonight is for you, and he wants to do everything he can to make you happy, but letting this go on any longer won’t be good for anyone.

“I’ll get rid of the muffins, we won’t tell anyone about it, okay?” He pulls you to face him, your eyes wet and wide, your chin wobbling. He thinks you’re so ridiculous, working yourself up like this, but he loves you so much to see it regardless.

“Did you fluff the pillows?” You ask in a small sad voice, and Flip nods seriously, brushing some of your stray locks that escaped the scarf you have wrapped around your head to protect your hair, away from your face.

“Yes ketsl, I fluffed the pillows.” He kisses each of your cheeks, the bridge of your nose, your forehead.

“Okay, alright okay, everyone calm down.” You say, wiping your tears away and taking deep measured breaths, suddenly asking, “What time is it?”

“Uhh,” Flip cranes his head around to try and catch a good glimpse at the clock on the wall, wondering how the hell it’s only, “Nine-thirty.”

You blink, and blink again, and then shuffle to sit upright there on the kitchen floor.

“Oh.” You reply, pursing your lips and scratching the side of your jaw. “In that case…I’m going to take a nap.”

Flip chuckles and lets you go. You’re too much all the time, and that’s exactly why he loves you. He’s never met anyone who cares as much about something like this, than you, and he wants you to go relax while he takes care of everything.

And he does, his son a proper helper as you snooze in bed, already having worked yourself to exhaustion and needing your strength back for the long dinner that’s going to come. The offending muffins are given to a neighbor, the surfaces re-sanitized, the kitchen all prepared. Your son even sets the table all by himself, enjoying being tall for his age thanks to Flip’s genetics.

When evening falls much later, and all your other guests have arrived, you feel your pulse spike as the doorbell rings. You’re dressed to the nines, as is everyone else, but Flip thinks that you’re the most radiant thing in the universe. You’re holding your son on your hip as Flip opens the door, already extending a hand for him to shake.

“Shalom Rabbi, thank you so much for joining us tonight, we can’t tell you how much of an honor it is.” You beam, as if you hadn’t had a total breakdown only that morning, as Flip invites the Rabbi inside.

“Of course Mr. and Mrs. Zimmerman, the honor is mine. And may I say, you have a beautiful home.” He looks around appreciatively, giving a nod of approval that has all the air rushing out of your lungs.

“I’m thrilled to hear you think so.” You grin, leading him through your home and into the dining room where your other guests have been happily entertaining themselves, “Shall we get started then?”

“They tried to kill us, we survived, let’s eat!” Flip announces, and that has everyone laughing, including the Rabbi.

And as the Seder commences, Flip looks across the table and gives his son a wink. In return, he lets out a small giggling laugh, glad that all the preparations and chaos you put them through have successfully paid off.

                                                     ------------------

Taggin’ some Flip lovin’ friends! @mochabucky​​ @sacklerscumrag​​ @artsymaddie​​ @bitchydecisions​​ @direnightshade​​ @reyloaddict55​​ @thembohux​​  @sunflowersinthesnow​​ @babayagakeanu​​ @safarigirlsp​​  @steeevienicks​​  @the-unmanaged-mischief​​ @materialisthicc​​  @hswritingrecs​​  @han68000​​ @rosi3ba3z​​ @chapterhappygirl​​​ @loverofallthings​​​  @bxnnywriting​ @groovetoob​ 

[crackinglamb]

You Have Chosen Nydha To Be Your Companion!

Hopping off @little-lightning-lavellan's idea to take a DA:I OC and turn them into a companion, may I present Banal'ras Nydha (from Hope Is a Fragile Thing) and her wiki page.

General

Banal'ras Nydha looks human, although there is something that doesn't seem quite right about her. She has dark hair and skin and startlingly green eyes, and speaks with a low, raspy voice. It is often difficult to find her in a room. Nydha first appears, and is available to recruit, in the Temple of Sacred Ashes before attempting to close the Breach. She offers knowledge and combat tactics against demons. If dismissed, or never spoken to, she will then be spotted in Haven behind Solas's cabin. She will not be available to recruit at that time, although once the Inquisition is relocated to Skyhold, she will make an offer to travel with the Inquisitor. If dismissed again, she will become a non-interactive NPC in the Rotunda, usually found near the mural or atop the scaffolding. If she is never recruited, she will disappear from Skyhold after the final battle with Corypheus.

Nydha is not romanceable by any Inquisitor, but can engage in a relationship with Solas if a female Dalish Inquisitor has not done so. She is friendly and bonds well with most of the other party members, especially Cole, Dorian and, of course, Solas. She prefers diplomacy and tends towards mediation rather than confrontation. If a Dalish Inquisitor has romanced Solas, and has high approval, Nydha will offer comfort and sympathy upon termination of the relationship. If low approval, Nydha has nothing to say.

She has strong opinions on the plight of elves, slaves and mages. She is supportive of any measures that would improve the lives of them. Her early banter with Dorian revolves around debating Tevinter's practices and trying to get him to see a better way. She will also speak with Iron Bull about the shortcomings of the Qun, although never with the same level of disdain as Solas. While she never openly mocks the Chantry or Andrastianism, she isn't a strong supporter or believer and has no opinion on who becomes Divine.

Location

In Haven, Nydha can be found behind Solas's cabin, usually in the darkest corner. Once the Inquisition relocates to Skyhold, she can be found in either the Arcane Library or the Rotunda.

Approval

Nydha's approval level is based upon empathy. An Inquisitor who is helpful, respectful and curious will gain approval. Nydha has no opinion on quests such as Wicked Eyes, Wicked Hearts or the outcome of Here Lies the Abyss, but approves diplomatic resolutions to judgments. She will greatly approve allying with the Free Mages, and only slightly approve conscripting the Templars. Conscription of the Free Mages or allying with the Templars will result in full disapproval. She will greatly approve Iron Bull becoming Tal-Vashoth and keeping Cole as a spirit. Actions that are ruthless or cruel will lose approval.

A high approval Inquisitor will learn that Nydha was born in another world and 'crossed over' through the Veil when the Breach opened. She will tell the Inquisitor that her name was given to her as a gift from someone she met in the Fade. She does not, however, say that it is Solas (see below for unique Trespasser dialogue). She will say that her name means 'Shadow of Night', according to her translation. A Dalish Inquisitor can have special dialogue to recognize the name as being Elvish and can question how a human came to have it. Nydha will answer that it is because the native language of the Fade is Elvish, a remnant from when elves held all of Thedas before human arrival.

A low approval Inquisitor will not learn this part of her history and she will remain an enigma. If approval falls to zero, she will refuse to speak to the Inquisitor, although she does not leave and is still available as a companion.

Quests

Survivor In the Shadows – the quest for meeting Nydha initially at the Temple of Sacred Ashes. It begins upon speaking with her, and ends with either recruitment or dismissal.

From the Ashes – only available after either In Hushed Whispers or Champions of the Just, but before completion of In Your Heart Shall Burn, Nydha will ask the Herald to accompany her back to the Temple of Sacred Ashes to search for her few belongings. The Herald will find a journal, a bundle of unusual clothes and a single unmarked vial. Nydha will approve completing this quest.

A Better Form – Nydha will ask for help in stabilizing her corporeal body if Dagna is brought into the Inquisition. Resolution of this quest will involve having Dagna create a unique amulet that will act as a permanent grounding source, rather like a lightning rod. Components for this amulet are: 1 blank rune stone, 1 wisp essence, and either 5 dawnstone or 5 volcanic aurum (both imbue constitution bonuses). It will act as an Amulet of Power, granting Nydha an extra skill point. This is the only time such an ability will be available to her. This will also allow her to wear other amulets throughout the remainder of the game. She, and Solas, will greatly approve completing this quest.

Twice-Born – available during the Jaws of Hakkon DLC. Nydha, if in the party, will ask to speak with the Augur of Stone-Bear Hold once relations with the hold have been established. If she is not among the Inquisitor's party, she will be found in the main scout camp near Professor Kenric. What the two speak about will be unknown, but at the end of the quest, Nydha will inform the Inquisitor that she has been given the legend-mark Twice-Born from the hold's 'gods'. Cole will greatly approve completing this quest, regardless of whether or not he is in the party.

Note: This quest is not dependent upon approval, but is the only time she will speak with a zeroed out Inquisitor, should that level of low approval be reached.

Ability Tree/Specialization

Nydha is technically a rogue, and can utilize either a bow or double daggers. She has an autolevel preference for the Subterfuge tree, and has an additional, unique starting skill in Fade Cloak. This does not require further leveling to be active. It is the only skill that cannot be deactivated from her skillset.

She can specialize in either Tempest or Rift Mage, due to her nature as a being from the Fade. She is not otherwise a mage. Her decision on specialization can be influenced, as she will ask the Inquisitor's opinion. If no opinion is given, she will default to taking Tempest.

Combat comments

“Come get some!”

“Catch me if you can!”

(If specialized in Tempest) “Burn, baby, burn.”

(If specialized in Rift Mage) “Ooh, the stuff of nightmares.”

Kills an enemy

“Another one bites the dust.”

“Cool story, bro.”

“Then perish.”

Low Health

“This was not on my agenda today.”

“A little help?”

Low Health (Companions)

For all general companions: “I have your back.”

If in a romance with Solas: “Take a breather, fenorain.”

Fallen Companions

For all general companions: “I'll make them pay!”

If in a romance with Solas: “NO!”

Location Comments

Ferelden:

Hinterlands: “Why is it so big? Why is everything so big?”

Fallow Mire: “I have mud in unmentionable places. Can we go now?”

Storm Coast: “I must go down to the sea again, to the lonely sea and sky.”

If companions question her: “It's just from a poem I once read.”

Orlais:

Exalted Plains: “So much death. Can't you feel it?”

Emerald Graves: “This forest is old. Very old.” [laughs] “I always wanted to say that in proper context.”

Emprise du Lion: “Stay away from the bloody lyrium. And wear a hat.”

At Suledin Keep after Imshael, if Solas is in the party: “Ir abelas, lethallin.” (If romanced) Ir abelas, fenorain.”

Solas's reply (only translated if the Inquisitor is Dalish): “Ma serannas. Ea lam'an.” (It is in the past)

At the Pools of the Sun, regarding the trio of dragons: “Can't we just leave them alone? They really won't hurt anyone if we keep our distance.”

Hissing Waste: “You know, if you ignore the endless vista of sand, it's really quite beautiful. In a bleak kind of way.”

Western Approach: “Hot. Hot and blighted. I need a drink.”

Forbidden Oasis, upon reaching the second camp: “That's it, I'm never leaving.”

Arbor Wilds: “Mind your footing. This place is full of secrets.”

In Val Royeaux: “Pretty place.”

Frostback Basin: “I could stay here forever. Even with the varmints.”

The Descent: “Nice and dark, just the way I like it.”

At the Wellspring: “Wow...that's amazing.”

Trespasser: “Now it all ends, my friend.”

If the Inquisitor questions the statement: “You'll see soon enough.”

Companion/Advisor comments

Varric – Gotta watch out for Spooky, there's something about her I can't put my finger on.

Cassandra – She is an able fighter, but I would not trust her out of my sight, which is far too often.

Solas – She is secretive by nature, but I would assure you that she means no harm.

Iron Bull – She's a tricky one. Good fighter, lotta secrets. Good at keeping them too. I don't think I've cracked a single one that she didn't tell me herself.

Dorian – She's fascinating. I am not at liberty to say why, of course, if you don't already know.

Cole – Bright as the sun and scattered as the stars. She wants to help, just like I do.

Vivienne – She seems capable enough, my dear. But I would not dare to trust her. She is an accomplished player of the Game, for all her smiles and good cheer.

Sera – She's as bad as Creepy, although she's better at jokes. She's better at hiding than I am!

Blackwall – She knows something. She knows too many somethings.

Josephine – She keeps to herself and has caused no diplomatic incidents. I wish I could say the same for some of the others gathered here.

Leliana – I find it curious that I cannot find any solid evidence of her existence before the Conclave, but that does not automatically mark her a spy. However, her nature makes me no more inclined to trust her. I would be wary of her.

Cullen – Who? Oh, the...shadowy...person. I hear she can handle herself. I can't say I've spoken with her, so I don't have an opinion.

Trespasser

There is a unique dialogue tree available to the Inquisitor while speaking with Solas if Nydha was recruited as a companion.

“Did you know about Nydha?”

“Yes, I am the one who gave her her name. I found her while I yet slept, and she became corporeal after the Breach.”

(First branch) “Is she one of your agents?”

“No. She has only ever been my friend.”

(Special, if not romanced) “Your friend? It seemed to be more than that.”

“In another world, perhaps.”

(Second branch) “Is she joining you?”

“No, I would not wish her on this path.”

(Third branch) “She knew this whole time. Why didn't she tell me?”

“She had her reasons for not telling you. (If high approval) I hope you will not hold them against her.”

Regardless of approval, Nydha disappears after the Exalted Council. She settles in the Frostback Basin among the Avvar. A high approval Inquisitor will receive correspondence from her from time to time, but she will refuse to come back to the 'civilized' nations of Thedas, preferring privacy and isolation.

Trivia

If in the party during Here Lies the Abyss, the Nightmare demon will speak to her in Elvish. Her reply is a scoff and nothing else.

Nydha can be a third option at the Vir'Abelasan if she is in the party. If she is chosen to drink from the Well, Abelas does not object, although he will still point out that she will be bound as they are. If Nydha drinks, she will summon Flemeth and work with the Inquisitor to tame the dragon for the final confrontation with Corypheus. If she is in the party during Trespasser, she will be able to provide the password to the spirit guards, preventing a fight.

If Morrigan is allowed to attack Abelas, she will attempt to defend him and will argue that the witch is not worthy of the knowledge she seeks if brutality is her only way to get it. If there is a peaceful alliance with the Sentinels and Morrigan is chosen to drink, Nydha will slightly disapprove but hold her tongue on the matter.

If the Inquisitor drank from the Well, and succeeds in finding enough clues to determine that Solas is Fen'Harel, Nydha will appear saddened when the Inquisitor rebuts to the Viddasala that they already know. She will state that this was what she'd been waiting for. The Inquisitor will have the option to accuse her of knowing the whole time. She will answer yes, but she won't explain.

If Nydha is never recruited, and remains an NPC in the Rotunda, one will hear her occasionally speak with Solas. These conversations range in topic from books they are reading to the mural. Never about Inquisition business. There is a slight chance to hear them speaking in Elvish, and their words are not translated, regardless of Inquisitor's race. Solas's replies appear to be noncommittal.

Nydha will remark upon the Inquisitor's romantic choices, usually with something supportive and a hope that they are happy together. She will also comment something generally pleasant about each companion if asked. The exception to this is if Iron Bull remains Ben-Hassrath. Nydha will caution the Inquisitor to be careful of telling him too much since his loyalty is now unknown.

It can be implied from various interactions and from high approval conversation that Nydha was in fact aware of everything that would happen during the course of the game. She never gives a reason for keeping her silence on matters pertaining to what foreknowledge she had, although any input given during the game events is sound and often given in such a way so as not to risk suspicion.

It can also be implied that regardless of what Solas says during Trespasser, Nydha has actually left the Inquisition to join his ranks, or at least does not stand opposed to him. This is not confirmed, however, and according to her epilogue card, she is enjoying a quiet life in the Frostback Basin with no intention of ever interfering with Thedosian politics or events again.

[walkerismychoice]

Rumor Has It (Raleigh X MC)

Book: Platinum

Pairing: M!Raleigh X MC

Rating: PG-13 (just a slight bit of language)

Author’s note:  This is a request from @withbeautyandrage for Day 7 of the Choices February Challenge - Gossip. Yes I realize I’m already 2 days behind, but better late than never right? Subsequently other requests are running behind as well but I promise to complete them all.

Word Count: 1679

Every morning on her walk to the recording studio, Aria makes a point to take in the sights and sounds of the city. A small town girl at heart, she doesn't know if she'll ever get over the wonder that is New York. As much as she she still feels a bit out of place among the bustling crowd of natives zooming along the sidewalks with their heads down and only their destination in mind, she hopes to never become as jaded as so many of them are.

She's gotten a later start today so she has to skip stopping for coffee. That doesn't keep her from appreciating the rich aroma wafting through the air as she passes her favorite cafe. She pauses a moment, closes her eyes, and inhales deeply. Smelling it almost as good as tasting it. Never mind, it just makes her want it more, so she picks up the pace to ensure time for her weekly, somewhat self-indulgent ritual.

“Hey, Joe!” Aria waves at the news stand owner.

His face lights up when he sees her. “How’s my favorite customer this morning?”

“Lacking caffeine, but otherwise decent. Got anything for me today?” Sure actual print media is falling out of fashion and she can get all the latest news and gossip in real time at the tip of her fingers, but there’s something about seeing herself on paper that makes it all more real. Some might think that’s vain, or just downright lame, but it’s all still new to her and she’s going to enjoy it while the novelty lasts.

“There’s a blurb about your collaboration with Avery in People and you’re mentioned in a couple of the rags.” Joe hands her the magazines.

“Thank-” Aria begins as she takes the stack only to be stopped in her tracks by the cover image facing her. "Uh, thanks Joe. Gotta run." She takes some cash out of her pocket, places it in his hand, and takes off, not evening waiting for him to offer the change she always refuses.

Once inside the busy Overnight Records lobby she plops down in a chair off to the side to collect herself. Staring at the pair on the cover and reading the accompanying headline her heart sinks once again: Reformed bad boy Raleigh Carrera and America's sweetheart Jaylen Riaz are the new “it” couple.

Aria wants to scream. She wants to tear up the magazine and chuck it across the room. But she can't afford another public meltdown spurred on by her rivalry with Jaylen. Ugh, she wasn't even trying to be anyone's rival, but their competition fueled it, and then when Jaylen got to sing Aria's song she lost it. She's spent enough time trying to ensure the public that she's not the hot-headed lunatic they saw on TV that day. Jaylen won't get the best of her again.

Just toss it in the bin, Aria's brain tries to convince her body to act responsibly, but curiosity gets the best of her. She opens up the publication to a nauseating two page spread and her stomach turns - Raleigh and Jaylen dancing too close in a club, sitting cozily in a booth, holding hands on their way out. However, none of those cause as much pain as the the one of Raleigh standing with his arm around Jaylen, an enormous smile on her face as he's whispering in her ear.

That's not all though. The worst part, the final insult to injury is Raleigh's hand down low straddling the the small of Jaylen's back and the curve of her ass, or at least that's what she assumed from experience. Throughout Aria's "relationship" with Raleigh that was the one thing, a simple intimate gesture both playful and protective in nature and hidden from view, that led Aria to believe what they had wasn't just for show. What a fool she had been.

Before Aria can listen to rational thoughts telling her that this could possibly be another publicity stunt, she's distracted by an inset with a broken apart picture of her and Raleigh.

"Rumor has it Raleigh broke Aria Campbell's heart when he left her for Jaylen?!," she can't help but read aloud, her voice escalating much more than intended. A nearby man in a suit looks over at her, and Aria takes a deep breath and vows again she's not going to fall apart. Out of patience and out of time, she throws the tabloids away, no longer interested what any of them have to say.

The click of her heels on the marble floor sounds extra loud as she stomps off in the direction of the studio. Aria’s fine, she really is. Her little thing with Raleigh was never supposed to be real, so what he’s doing now is none of her concern. Out of sight, out of mind...until he’s not.

“Fuck!” Aria blurts out, clasping her hands over her mouth as she comes to a dead stop.

“Well it’s nice to see you too, darling. Didn’t you miss me?” Raleigh stands inches away looking as smug as ever.

“What are you doing here?” Aria dodges his question with one of her own. 

“You know we are signed by the same record label....”

“But you weren’t on the schedule today,” Aria says before realizing she’s given away too much.

Raleigh smirks. “You stalking me Campbell?”

“Just an observation,” she replies coolly. “Anyway...I’m running late, so see you around.” She breezes past him without waiting for a response and doesn’t look back.

Aria’s recording session goes well - exceptionally well actually. Music has always been a safe space to channel her emotions, where she can feel without thinking too much. In fact, she’s almost forgotten she was so upset about Raleigh this morning, when she walks out the studio door to see the living, breather reminder once again.

“What, are you stalking me now, Carerra?”

“Touche.” Raleigh chuckles but then his tone becomes more somber. “I did check the schedule because I wanted to talk to you before you left. Something didn’t sit right after I saw you this morning. “Are you upset with me?”

Such a loaded question. Yes she’s mad at him even though she has no right to be, or maybe she does. Their relationship started out fake but somewhere along the way there was a shift, at least for her. But then he just let her go like she was just a contractual obligation that had been fulfilled.

“How’s Jaylen?” She deflects yet again, but she can't help getting right to the point. 

Raleigh shakes his head and lets out a sigh. “Is that what this is about? Jaylen and I are just friends, if you could even call it that. You know damn well how easily the media makes assumptions and how much the label encourages it. It's more like a work thing.”

"Just like I was a work thing? Did you fuck her too?" Aria fires back, almost in disbelief over her newfound boldness.

For the first time ever, she's the one to leave him lost for words. His eyes wide before they begin to soften Raleigh takes a step forward and tries to place a hand on her shoulder but she flinches and backs up against the hallway wall.

"Aria....it's not like that, we weren't like that."

"There was never a we. Once our little stunt was done, you seemed perfectly fine to wash your hands of me."

"But I thought-" Raleigh runs a hand through his through his hair. "Look, I'm used to women throwing themselves at me. I've never had to question if someone was into me. I really thought that you genuinely liked me, and the feeling was mutual, but then you talked about how relieved you were it was over and that we weren't forced to spend time together anymore. I may not have shown it, but that hurt."

Oh my god. Aria cannot believe what an idiot she had been. Unlike Raleigh, she'd never had such confidence in relationships. She doesn't want to say she had been testing Raleigh, but that's basically what she had done. She didn't want to face rejection, so she'd thought if she played it cool, Raleigh would have an easy out if he needed it.

"And I thought since you didn't fight me on it, you didn't really want me. God, I ruined everything."

Raleigh takes another step closer, and with her back against the wall Aria now has nowhere to go, but she doesn't want to either. He brings a hand up and she lets him rest his palm against her cheek, fingers twining in her her hair.

"Well then, to be clear, I want you Aria, I always have."

Raleigh's words and the sincerity in his voice create a spark that ignites a flame inside her. And when he leans in to kiss her, lips softly brushing hers until her response lets him unleash the hunger that's been lingering, that flame sets her whole body alight, like fireworks illuminating the dark night sky.

When they finally break for air, Aria can't speak. Raleigh has literally taken her breath away.

"Convinced yet?" Raleigh asks the question he already knows the answer to, amusement in his eyes and a smile playing on his lips. Aria just nods and he goes in for another kiss.

"Wait..." Aria turns her head and pushes her hands against his chest. "Aren't you supposed to be with Jaylen? Shouldn't you clear that up before anyone sees us? We wouldn't want to create any more scandalous rumors."

"But scandalous rumors make for the best publicity." Raleigh chuckles.

Aria laughs but shakes her head. "Your reputation may be bulletproof, but I don't need to add mistress to my list."

"Okay, okay. I'm texting Fiona to help handle my 'break-up' with Jaylen effectively immediately. Once the word is out, you're all mine and I don't care who sees it. Deal?"

"Deal." Aria shakes his hand as if they are entering another business deal, however this time it's anything but.

[needs-to-stop-looking-at-valves]

I love the way you write tender Thunderhoof, and since I can’t stop thinking about it, I was wondering if you could write something sweet about Thunderhoof and his cybertronian s/o cooking together/getting ready for a stay at home date night. (Bonus points if their cooking pasta/Italian food) Gotta love some tender mafia boss

Listen, this is so unrealsitic. He cannot commit, and will only be romantic to get him some poon. BUT THIS IS INDULGENT AND WHAT I WANT IN LIFE, SO HERE WE GO-

“Hey, how come you’re here?”

You walked into your front door, taking off your coat and hanging it up. Thunderhoof was in your kitchen, apron on and cutting some stuff up. He turned to look at you, and set the knife down, cleaning his hands with the apron that was very much due for a wash.

“I wanted to take a breather from work. Realized it’s been a while since I did somethin’ nice for ya.”

“You mean BESIDES that coat you got me?”

“Aye, that’s a treat for me, you look fine in that.”

You chuckled as you walked into the kitchen, wrapping your arms around his neck, and him wrapping his hands at your sides. You two had been together for a while, and spared no expense to show you just how nuts he was about you. He pressed his forehead against yours, trying to distract from the fact that his hand was on your ass. Perverse as he was, he was just as sweet.

“So you decided to surprise me with this, then?”

“It was GONNA be a surprise, but SOMEONE decided to come home early.”

“Well, I’m sorry I got off early, never heard you complain about that before.”

You both chuckled at that. You were just as bad as he was, honestly. He leaned down, pressing his lips on your forehead.

“Listen Doll, as hot as ya gettin’ me here, I already got the heat goin’ on. Wanna help?”

“Don’t see why not.”

You two finally let each other go, you slapping on the apron. You looked over his spread, and felt relief. You always hated cutting the onions. He took the beat from the bowl, molding it in his hands, and you threw your onions into a pot, starting to mix. Thunderhoof chuckled as he flicked on the heat, finally getting the meat into a proper shape.

“I love how you know to let ME handle the meat.”

“I know I make a better sauce than you. Besides, mine always falls apart.”

“Tellin’ you, you don’t put enough bread in the damn things.”

“I do! I do as much as you tell me to!”

“You’re as much of a liar as ya are pretty.”

You both snickered at that. It was a comfortable silence, you adding the tomatoes, and tossing in not only bayleaves, but a whole head of garlic. He chuckled.

“You know, I was always told I’d find the right gal based on how much garlic she puts in her food. Glad to see I got me a winner here.”

“Unlike that recipe from two weeks ago.”

“Pansy ass autobots eat two gloves of garlic. The second you pull that shit, I’m leavin’“

You snickered at that, setting the sauce on low, and watching him make his meatballs. Your Hoofy was talented; not only knowing how to run an empire, but knowing how to make the BEST meatballs you've ever had. Little bit of wine, and a pinch of sugar. You leaned against his shoulder, practically swooning over the smell.

“You got the noodles ready, right?”

“Course. And I got the garlic bread. Should be ready right about-”

The oven dinged, and he grinned. He put the meatballs in with the sauce, shutting the lid. He took the bread out, and damn what a sight. Buttery, hot, crispy, and just plain perfect. After letting the meatballs stew in the sauce for a moment, he served you a plate, following you to the dining room table. He brought over two wine glasses, pouring you one of his finest. You had your chin in your hand, chuckling. He tried to wipe the smirk off of his face, but was failing.

“What’s funny?”

“Nothin’. It’s just almost cliche, all of this. I almost expect some candles.”

You nearly roared with laughter as he got into the kitchen, actually bringing a candle, and lighting it once it got to the table. He sat down across from you, reaching to hold your hand.

“Cliche ‘nuff?”

“Oh it’s awful. YOU’RE awful.”

“Yeah, I love ya too Dollface.”

You two wanted to say more, but your mouth was currently busy with plenty of meatballs. Your mouth was gonna be plenty busy later, and you were both well aware.

[fortunatelyhauntedblackcherry]

Moonshine - A Beetlejuice Fanfiction 11

Warning: swearing, breaking in, panic attack, abusive ex, mention of killing.

Beetlejuice was sitting on the edge of the roof, legs dangling in the air. Only a couple of hours passed by since the boarding-session, but the demon sank back into deep depression already. He pushed his dark purple hair back and sighed. Why does everyone keep leaving me? We could've been such a great team. That little minx and me, wrecking havoc together. He sniffled, wiped his nose into the sleeve of his greyish-blueish coat patterned with pieces of moss, and hummed a song he first used when he lost all hope because of a ghostcouple, right before he tried to talk an edgy teen into summoning him.

- 🎶You're invisible when you’re me, there's no one to see my truth... If they could look up they’d see: "Hey, somebody's on the...🎶 ...pavement? - he stopped as he spotted a man on the sidewalk, drunkenly lurching towards the house. In his left hand there was a bottle of booze, half empty, the stench nettling Beetlejuice's acute demon nose. Cheap whiskey. His mother drank this when he was a child.

He stood up and watched the man for a minute. Yepp, he was definitely heading towards the house, it wasn't just a coincidence that a drunk person somehow winded up on the farthest outskirt of the Connecticut town. Even though he was still very angry at Ari and her party pooper sisters, he floated through his favorite breather's bedroom window, and headed straight to the sleeping girl. Ari's laptop was down on the floor, the fourth Nightmare on Elm Street movie was playing. Beetlejuice smiled lightly at the sweet gesture. Ari was laying on her belly in her bed, quietly breathing with a bit of saliva dripping from her lower lip, snuggling up to Sirius.

- Ari... - BJ called softly but no answer came. So he tried one more time, now a bit louder. - Ari... - he sighed as Sirius opened up his eyes and blinked sleepily at the demon. - I can't believe that you're in such a deep sleep, babes. - Sirius turned his scruffy head sideways. - ARIADNÉ! - the girl suddenly lifted her head up, startled because of the abrupt noise.

- YES WHAT I'M AWAKE. - she stated in a sleepy voice, hastily opening her gummed eyes. She wiped her peepers, yawned and reached for her phone. - Shit, Beetlejuice, it's 2 in the morning, do you really wanna talk about tonight AT THIS UNGODLY HOUR? I told you, I'll talk to my sisters about...

- There's someone in the garden. - he caught Ari up in her speech. The girl's eyes widened.

- What? - she said in a sleepy tone as she sat up in bed.

- I don't know why I'm warning you, every single one of you would deserve to die since you've been so mean to me, but babes I think somebody wants to break into the house. Demon sixth sense. - Ari hurled the covers away from herself, blinking away every last drop of sleepiness, got off the bed and reached under it. She came back with a baseball bat, embedded with nails. Sirius jumped off the bed too and ran to Rei's room.

- Good boy, he knows what to do. - stated Ari as she got out into the hallway. - Thanks for telling me we're in danger. - she said quietly to Beetlejuice as she headed down the stairs. - I thought you're still mad at me, it's good to know that you're not furious anymore. - she got into the downstairs hallway, and made double sure that she locked the door of the winter garden. - Back in Europe there were a lot of times that someone wanted to break into our house, you know, we lived in a kinda messy neighborhood, so we know how to deal with these situations. - while she talked, she checked every door and window if they were closed properly. - I check shit and get ready to beat the living shit out of someone and thus getting freed from my built up anger, Sirius wakes up Rei, Rei calls the police, Sof sleeps through the whole thing. She's like a dormouse. - she explained. Beetlejuice floated next to her, examining her plaything and her buttocks which were only covered by an oversized ACDC t-shirt and a pair of boxers.

- Well I couldn't be angry at someone who has such a nice ass for a long time... - he said but was interrupted by a couple of uncoordinated knocks. They came from the front door. Ari ran over, holding her baseball bat tightly. As soon as she got to the door, she swang it above her head.

- Be warned, I am armed and we already called the police. - she stated in a serious matter which legitimately surprised Beetlejuice. She looked mean. - Go away buddy and let's continue our night peacefully.

- Honey it's me, let me in and let's talk! - stuttered a drunken male voice from the other side of the door. Ari's eyes widened and her lips opened in surprise. The mean look she had just a moment ago, disappeared.

- No way... - she whispered to herself. She suddenly shook her head, closed her eyes for a moment and clutched the bat even harder. Her fingers turned white. Something's wrong, realized BJ. He never saw that look, that frightened, anxious look before. Something's fucky.

- I don't know how can you be here and not in jail, but go away! - she almost screamed the last words. She tried to put back her mean face but her eyes and her lips hardly pressed together reflected fear. Legitimate, pure fear.

- Please don't tell me that it's... - asked Beetlejuice but Ari cut in with nodding. Matthias. Evil ex. Gotta kill.

- Good behavior, baby. - the man on the other side of the door said with a small laugh. - Please Ari let's just talk...

- NO! - the girl screamed. Beetlejuice noticed that her breathing got shaky and heavy. - LEAVE ME ALONE!!! - the man pounded his fist on the door.

- YOU OPEN THIS DOOR NOW ARIADNÉ! - he shouted. Ari flinched and lowered her arms abruptly. She breathed even shakier now. The man on the other side of the door cleared his throat. - Please sweetcheeks, I changed!

- You will never change! You're always going to be a mentally abusive pinche puto! - said Ari, whose eyes started to get teary. - Go hug a landmine!

Beetlejuice couldn't handle himself for any longer. His dark purple hair was already in a kind of red shade, and his eyes glitched with anger.

- If you keep your promise, I'll keep mine. Summon me and I'll rip him into pieces. - his disembodied voice sounded even more croaky then before. It sounded like it came from every direction possible. It made Ari's hair stand on end. She gulped and answered in an undertone.

- Murder is never the answer... I'm sure the police will do their job... - Beetlejuice rolled his eyes, and let out a guttural, gravelly annoyed sigh.

- No, you're right, murder is a question. - he stopped for a moment, stepped closer to the shaking girl whose eyes were fixated on the door. - And the answer is yes. You know he deserves it. Some people can't be stopped any other way. And I feel this jerk is one of them. Demon sixth sense.

As he said the last sentence, the banging on the door and that drunk idiot screaming the girl's name constantly started again. Ari jumped and dropped her baseball bat. She pushed her back against the wall. With a shaky hand, she grabbed her chest while breathing heavily. She closed her eyes, breathed in deeply a couple of times then couldn't take it anymore.

- VETE A LA MIERDA!!! - she screamed just before Rei ran into the hall, phone pressed to her ear.

- Yes, he's still here, right before the door. - she quicky looked at Ari and as soon as she realized how she trembled, she launched herself at her sister, lowering her phone. - Holy shit, Ari, what happened? You're shaking, baby...

- Rei?! - asked the voice from the other side of the door. His voice got honeyed in a second. - Dear Rei, please, sweetheart, let me in, let me talk to your lovely sister about coming back to me! - Rei's jaw dropped.

- What the everliving fuck. - she said. She hugged Ari tightly and put on a mean face. - Go home Matt, leave us alone! Ari doesn't want to see you ever again! I already called the police! - the man growled and pounded his fist on the door.

- Hit that fuckin door one more time... - grumbled Beetlejuice while staying close to his breather friendo. They got so close so quickly, and to be perfectly honest he really wanted to end this guy to keep her safe.

- See, Ari, she's talking against me! - his voice was so honeyed it made Ari nauseous. - These assholes, your sisters, are keeping you away from me! I know you love, you've always been a good girl, if they wouldn't have messed up your mind with their stupid nonsenses, you'd have never left me! They made you blind, you know that I truly love you and that we belong together!

- I feel like I can't breathe... - said the trembling girl with bated breath, clutching her chest while holding Rei's hand close. - My heart hurts so much...

- Ari, baby, we were meant to be one! - no answer came so he lowered his voice a bit and stuttered. - You know, am I right?! - again, no answer, so the man slapped the door with his palm. - ARIADNÉ ANSWER ME! YOU KNOW THAT YOU WERE MEANT TO BE MINE! - Ari lifted her head up. Her eyes were full of tears and she spoke in a very low voice.

- Please Matthias... Leave me alone... We were kids, it's been a long time ago... I don't love you anymore, please understand... Just leave me be...

- Yes we were, but see?! You talk so nicely! I made you kind! You are the way you are because of me!

- Entitled shithead... - commented Beetlejuice. Ari smirked and got herself together for a moment. Anger found its way into her eyes.

-...no. I am kind because I choose to be, because I cannot allow anyone to see what I've been through. You made me scared, angry, and vulnerable. I made myself like this. Now go... AWAY!!!

Ari was shaking, both from the panic attack and the anger. The guy lowered his voice and BJ definitely heard a familiar tone in his speech. An evil tone.

- You know what? I wanted to talk through this but okay. Fine. Have it your way. - he pounded his fist on the door one last time and then lurched away, as they heard.

It took Ari at least half an hour to get through the panic attack. She was sitting on the living room floor now, staring before herself, sipping water with a straw from her favorite glass with Minerva snuggling in her lap. When the man left, Ari told Rei to keep talking with the police, she'll be alright. She took deep breaths like her middle sister taught her, but what mostly helped was that Beetlejuice just talked to her. He was trying, very awkwardly, but was trying to talk to his friend about calming down and everything being okay. He heard how to do it a week ago. A couple of minutes after Ari finally got kind of better, a very grumpy and sleepy Sof joined them, who got woken up since "Sirius jumped on me several times and now I think I'm bleeding internally." Ari told her what happened and just finished the story when Rei showed up.

- Well the police is not sending any help.

- WHAT?! - asked both Ari and Sofía.

- The dispatcher said that they sent out a car, they looked around the area, but didn't see anything suspicious so they left... - she took her glasses off and rubbed the bridge of her nose. - He told me that if the intruder comes back, and breaks in, then they can intervene in the situation. - she collapsed onto the ground, next to her sisters. - I'm still saying that drug lords are better at keeping people safe than the police, guys...

Since none of them was talking, Beetlejuice floated above Ari and left a sly remark, his croaky voice echoing in the girl's ear.

- You know he's gonna come back, don't you?

- Oh he surely will. - answered Ari right before she let out an annoyed chuckle. - He's a persistent motherfucker... - she looked at her sisters who were waiting for her to explain. - Our houseguest just remarked that in his opinion Matthias is gonna come back. And to be honest, same.

All of a sudden, Beetlejuice started to perk his ears up like a watchdog. He sniffed around, angry red locks lighting up as he identified the familiar stench.

- And speaking of the devil... - he spit the words out between his teeth right before the sound of glass breaking came from the winter garden. All three of the sisters stared at the winter garden's door, frozen in fear. A couple of seconds later the familiar banging started on the back door, with Matthias talking in a honeyed voice and drunken giggling from another men from the back. Sirius showed his teeth, growled and barked at the door. Sofía was the first to act, she grabbed Ari's hand and pulled her to the front door. She grabbed her keys from the hallway table.

- We're getting out of here, we get into the car and onto the police station. - she stated and put her keys in the lock. Out of curiosity, she looked out the peeping hole. She jumped back and removed her keys. - Someone's out there. A man with a gun is standing before the door. - she started to breath heavily. - We're trapped.

Ari started to went astern as she grabbed Rei's hand.

- ARIADNÉ! - the girls all looked the door and gulped. So this is why people just stand around in horror movies. Fear. - Open the...open the door, please... Ari, just open the door... We don't need to fight anymore! Just... Open up... - Matthias slapped the backdoor again. - I SAID OPEN UP!

- Okay I'll call the police again. He's practically in the house. - said Rei and she grabbed her phone.

Ariadné collapsed on the living room floor and pushed her back to the back of the sofa, eyes wide with fear and anger, thoughts running around in her head. She had to act quick. She realized it was a fight or die situation.

- And what will they do, ha? - she said in a brittle voice. - Put him in jail for another 3 years because he's on "good behavior"? It would all start again guys, he'd find me again... - she looked deep into Rei's eyes who lowered her phone. - I want to live freely! And deep down both of you know that there's only one who can stop him...

- ARI, NO! - screamed Sofía.

- ARI, YES! - shouted Beetlejuice as he stood next to Ari. A toothy grin appeared on his face, his eyes glowing. His hair was a weird mixture of yellow, green and burgundy. - You scratch my back, I scratch yours! You remember, three times in a row it must be spoken, unbroken! - the husky voice filled Ari's ears. She made a decision.

- You don't know what will happen! - said Sofía, intermittently looking at the door, which was now hammered by at least 3 man who tried to break the hinges. - You can't do this! We'll find another way out, just...

- I CAN'T KEEP LIVING LIKE THIS! - chimed in Ari with a raucous tone. - IN CONSTANT FEAR, FRIGHTENED FOR MY FAMILY, MY FRIENDS, MY LIFE! I wanna be free! I'm so sorry guys but I have to do this... for myself... - she closed her eyes for a moment. When she opened them up, they were sparkling with dedication. - Beetlejuice!

Green smoke started to fill the air, seeping from the ground next to Ari. Beetlejuice felt his body filling up with power. Sofía and Rei stepped back.

- Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! I'm so glad you realized you have a solid plan B option! You are never going to regret this! - Ari looked around in surprise, a shy smile found its way to her face

- Beetlejuice! - she said confidentially, and the ground moved. They heard that all of a sudden it started to rain, the sky rumbled and lightnings appeared. The flashing lights filled the living room.

- This is gonna be so good! - his voice was almost horny. He felt his powers returning, and his smile got wider and wider. Not humanly wide. - Give me just... one... more...

- YOU DON'T KNOW HOW HE'LL REACT! - screamed Sofi who tried to launch herself at Ari but Rei pulled her back. Rei nodded at Ari who took a deep breath.

- BEETLEJUICE! - she shouted and the world rumbled. Beetlejuice crouched next to Ari, leaned close to her and whispered into her ear. The girls' hair stood on end as the gravely voice filled her head.

- It's showtime!

[manifestoonmoralmanlove]

Gormless Ch. 4 - Dab on them Pineapples

A well-meaning friend gave me a book series that is hilariously bad. The first book was Souless and my riffs were entitled brainless. This second book is entitled Changless and these riff are then gormless.

I mean to say I have entitled them gormless! Not that my riffs are dumb, and the effort I spend on them stupid since I’m the only one who enjoys them. HAHA!

The story is SUPPOSED TO be about how a badass lady wearing a rad-looking carriage dress hits baddies with her umbrella and bangs her hot werewolf husband.  In reality it’s mostly poor attempts at being witty, flirty, and superior.

For the last book check out the brainless tag.

If you want the TL;DR version but want to read these new riffs anyway?

This story is set in supernatural Victorian steampunk England.  Alexia is our NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS protag.  She is a soulless, which means she’s able to negate the abilities of vampires and werewolves by touching them. She’s recently married a big oaf, named Lord Connel Maccon.  He’s the manchild in charge of the supernatural police with a zillion dollars and he’s totes super hot too ok.  Their relationship is mostly arguments about how Maccon can’t tell her fucking anything.  Alexia has also recently become head of ~Soulless affairs~ in Queen Victoria’s government.  She has a dumb friend named Ivy, a gay vampire friend named Akeldama, a family who’s evil because they do the same shit as her but while being blonde, and most importantly Alexia is better than everyone cause…cause.

Last time on Gormless:

There’s some mysterious force that’s turning the Vampires and werewolves into humans. Alexia is in charge of figuring out that deal, and she is doing a bad job at it.  Her husband is in charge of the Supernatrual Police (BUR) so he’s going to Scotland about it.

There’s a dude named Channing who wants to punch and have sex with Alexia, and Ivy is getting married to some rich slub, even though she’s in wub with Maccon’s servant Tunstell.

Alexia’s hubby told her to go to a hat store for mysterious plot reasons, she brings her dopey friend Ivy.  The hat store is run by a hot lesbian and as they’re chatting BOOM an explosion! GOLLY WHAT’S NEXT!?

Chapter 4 - Dab on them Pineapples

This chapter starts off totally under described.  Basically the explosion shook the hats on their nice dangling hooks, and turned out the lights.  They don’t even describe it as unbalancing Alexia.  So the whole next bit makes so little sense.  She first reacts by feeling around for Ivy.  She finds Ivy has fainted…cause okay? Ivy is whispering about Tunstell though so she’s like, “YEAH MY FRIEND UNCONCIOUS ON THE FLOOR AFTER AN EXPLOSION IS FINE! BYE LOSER!”

She immediately starts scurrying around for that secret passage she thought she saw earlier. Finds it, goes in, and down an elevator. I just…I was so flummoxed that this was her first response?  All it would take for this to make more sense is to write, “It sounded as if the explosion happened below them, and Alexia would bet you 100 pounds that this secret passage would lead her straight to it. And what if someone was hurt down there?”

It seemed so bizarre for her to go, “EXPLOSION? I’M GOING TO MAKE A BEELINE FOR THE SECRET PASSAGE! MY FRIEND OUT COLD? WHATEVER!”

When she gets down there she finds a messy workshop, where a small explosion clearly took place.  She finds LeFoux yelling at a child and there’s a ghost lady just chilling there.  The gist of the conversation is that the child threw a rag soaked in ETHER into a huge furnace which caused the explosion.  The boy is just like, “lol it went bang.”  And Alexia thinks that’s hilarious and reintroduces herself. LeFoux has to remark that WOW ISN’T LADY MACCON SMART FOR FINDING OUT THE SECRET PASSAGEWAY? GOSH I KNOW I CONFIRMED IT TO HER MINUTES AGO! BUT SHE’S SO SMART!  The ghost is LeFoux’s aunt Beatrice, and the boy is introduced as LeFoux’s son Quesnel even though the two do not look related.

I also find it odd that LeFoux, the owner of this establishment, with a shop full of customers, just slips into the passage and doesn’t give a token, “DO NOT PANIC CUSTOMERS I’M GOING TO FIGURE OUT THE ISSUE, PLEASE STAY WHERE YOU ARE!”

Alexia praises the child for the explosion.  I can’t help but feel a bit exasperated by the book’s tone for this.  This child could have not only killed himself on a flight of fancy but perhaps a block worth of buildings full of humans in a crowded city, and the story treats it like he stole a pudding out of the fridge he wasn’t supposed to have.  But I mean, my job is to worry for the well-being of children and I have a habit of overthinking this shit so take that paragraph with as much or as little care as you see fit.

LeFoux punishes Quesnel and tells her aunt to take him away so she can have sexual tension with Alexia.  Alexia, you do not deserve the sexual attention of anybody except your dipshit husband. Leave the MacDougalls and LeFouxs for the more-deserving slutty, bisexual hate-readers okay.

Faps you realize you will never be able to have sex with a fictional character right?

Faps why would you want to bang a fictional character in a story you don’t even like?

I HAVE TO FIND SOMETHING TO ENJOY HERE OKAY!?

During some mild flirtation where Alexia first realizes women are hot, LeFoux explains that Maccon commissioned a gift that is ready for her.

It’s a huge ugly umbrella that takes a page to describe just its physical appearance, which was hard to follow.  My favorite detail is,

“The handle looked like something that might top an ancient Egyptian column, carved with lotus flowers---or a very enthusiastic pineapple.”

I don’t know what the fuck that’s supposed to mean but with that line I have decided that the handle of her umbrella looks like this:

(Picture of a pineapple dabbing, while wearing bright red shoes.)

And you cannot convince me otherwise.

We spend a few more pages explaining what her James Bond styled umbrella can do. Which includes:

Shoots poison darts.

Can switch between a silver and wooden tip depending on if you’re stabbing vampires or werewolves.

Can emit a magnetic field which can disrupt steam engines temporarily.

Can spray different kinds of toxic mists which can kill humans, and severely injure werewolves and vampires.  

Okay sure, she gets a proper weapon with a lot of weird uses. Sure good!

So now it’s time for me to complain about some writing choices!

Much to my annoyance, every time LeFoux smiles at all (which is a fucking lot) instead of using multiple verbs and descriptors such as, “She smiles, grins, smirks, beams, looks amused/smug/delighted/etc.” She says LeFoux ~dimples~ 100% of the time. And I’m like nobody verbs dimples that way you fucking weirdo who writes like they’re 12.

There’s also this really clumsy pointless exchange where it’s revealed that LeFoux has made special equipment for Prof. Lyall, and she remarks that he’s a curious man. Alexia says he’s not a man at all (cause he’s a werewolf) and LeFoux remarks, “I, too, am not a man. I simply enjoy dressing like one.”

….This is like super clumsy and not how humans talk at all. And there’s no reason why you need to bring that up AGAIN at all? We can tell she enjoys masculine dress because…she’s described as dressing masculine. Like….why? 

Like I know this isn’t meant to be a complex novel, but like I feel condescended to how often unimportant shit needs to be brought up again and again. UGH!

So they head back upstairs, Tunstell shows up so he and Ivy can stare longingly at each other, and OH YEAH tell Alexia Lyall wants to speak with her.

You gotta do more for me to ship Tunstell/Ivy then like show them cozy with one another and shouting in my ear about how they pine for one another.  Like maybe some dialog besides, “How are you?” “Oh I’m fine”?

So Alexia goes to see Lyall. She struts in swinging her new umbrella like HEY! HEY! ASK ABOUT MY NEW TOY!  Lyall does not.  Lyall has his issues don’t get me wrong.  But I find it so refreshing that he refuses to feed Maccon and Alexia’s shitty little egos.

Lyall says the humanization phenomenon has been ~spotted~ again and it’s moving toward Scotland, a bit ahead of Maccon, who is also heading that way.  Maccon doesn’t know he’ll be meeting the mysterious soul-sucking power soon, which could be a problem since he’s only useful in the sense that he has powers.

Alexia takes note of this, and decides she wants to have Lord Akeldama and LeFoux meet cause that would be cool I guess.  That’s where we leave off.  I’m not sure if the two are going to get along immediately upon meeting or hate each other’s guts. I hope they hate the other’s guts cause I think that would be more entertaining.

Say something nice Faps:

These chapters don’t always end and start on similar notes. So it doesn’t feel repetitive.

Lyall, while not totally free from this writing’s bullshit, helps ground this material by being a voice of sanity. A lot of authors can get caught up in HOW FUCKING COOL THEIR PERFECT FUN CHARACTERS ARE and it’s just kinda refreshing that this author has enough self-awareness to realize how exhausting and irritating their antics/personalities can sometimes be. Or in the very least enough awareness of writing to know when to slow it done and take a breather.

 LeFoux is hot.

Since I have identified her new murder parasol as having a dabbing pineapple handle, all mentions of it conjure hilarious mental images for me.  She was described as cradling it like a baby, and swinging it wildly in order for it to fail to catch Lyall’s attention.

 I also kinda like how despite getting a badass weapon crafted for her, it’s hideous.  Like perhaps it’s for the humor sake, but I appreciate we’re not just going to steamroll how cool and great Alexia is. Even though she got this super rad weapon with all these functions without having to earn it. The item does have the downside of being tacky and heavy. You know?