#i cannot believe this happened. i really can't

[maleyanderecafe]

Hell Trap (Visual Novel)

Created by: marikatti

Genre: Horror/Thriller

The story and artwork in this game is gorgeous. I think this might be the same artist as Paper Cuts because the artstyle seems strikingly similar. This visual novel goes into rather dark topics like suicide, rape and revenge, and it is really beautiful how the story is written so far. There is a prologue and two parts of the story as of writing this.

The story starts out with Yul recalling a childhood memory of being in the snow and walking home. He is interrupted by his sister who teases him, but feels distressed that he cannot remember her name. After some comments about how they were opposites, yet they were two peas in a pod, Yul points out her mismatched shoes. His sister promises that the two of them will be together and that they will take care of each other, something that Yul is happy about. We get a time jump to when the two are in high school. His sister plays with a friendly cat at the front of the school before the two go inside. At lunch, his sister tries to talk about him getting more friends at school, something that Yul sees as useless as he already has his sister. During lunch, Yul's sister ends up in the infirmary, after throwing up, though tries to reassure her brother it was just lunch. Yul immediately doesn't believe this as not only did they have the same lunch, but his sister has a strong stomach. After school, as they walk home, the two lament about their current situation. The two of them are living by themselves, as their dad refuses to give money for them to live with him. The two talk about their future, about how his sister is trying really hard to study well and get good grades so that she can provide for them in the future, along with the various part time jobs that they've been taking. They know their father will stop sending them money the moment that they become adults. Yul tries to get his sister to tell him what really happened to get her in the infirmary, but she refuses. At night, she has a nightmare, and while Yul is trying to wake her up, she hears her talk about how she no longer wants to be at school. The next day, Yul ends up evesdropping on her sister talking to the principal. We see a flashback of Yul's sister working at school after hours on her homework, when a teacher named Blanche comes to talk to her. Blanche talks to Yul's sister about her troubles, and offers her a way for her to make her money. She agrees, desperate for some more money, but retracts when Blanche suggests her to use her body. Blanche then pounces on her and rapes her. Yul ends up bursting into the professor's office after hearing this, much to the principal and his sister's surprise. The principal doesn't help her and instead berates her, stating that women can't be rapist and that Blanche is a good teacher, much to the sibling's dismay. Soon after, Yul's sister jumps off of a building, dying in front of Yul, with Blanche coming over and scorning him.

After the death of his sister, Yul attempts to change his appearance by dying his hair so that he isn't reminded of her every time he looks in the mirror. He grows extremely agitated and distraught, and even starts killing animals, starting with the cat that Yul's sister petted at the beginning of school. He is still not satisfied, until he sees Blanche's daughter at school one day. Yul upon seeing this starts to formulate a plan on how to cause the most pain to Blanche- by killing her daughter. After graduating, Yul follows Blanche's daughter around. First by seeing that she hangs out with her mother on Saterdays, and then by following her and learning her schedule. He does this for three years, learning everything about her and what she does in order to find the best way to kill her. On the day of the kill, Yul follows behind her, planning to choke her and bash her head in when she goes into the alleyway. All seems to be going well, at least until she suddenly screams out that she forgot her phone charger and runs in the opposite direction, leading to her getting hit by the bus instead. In shock and horror, Yul is completely undone, angry that his kill was taken away from him. He ends up helping to call the ambulance and even gets to check in on her during the accident. In an attempt to revive, her he ends up staying and wishing that she'd wake, and she does end up doing so. While talking to the doctor about who to contact, she ends up responding very negatively to the suggestion to tell her mother, something that catches Yul off guard. Afterwards, she thanks Yul for saving her, even introducing herself as Mila. Yul starts to develop some mixed feelings on the scenario, though still decides to go with his plan of killing her. He ends up sneaking into the hospital and night and tries to choke Mila on her bed, but recoils, as he realizes that her reaction with her mother's mention was unusual. He ends up leaving her alive a bit longer to find out what exactly her relationship with her mother is like.

Starting out, this visual novel does a really good job of setting the tone of the entire story. The artwork is beautiful in each scene, with the start with various exaggerated and cute types of facial expressions from Yul's sister, symbolizing her innocence and her general happy outlook on life, contrasted with later after her assault. Most of the story is told from Yul's point of view, with vivid thoughts on his sister's death and his attachment to her, wanting to stay by her side, not wanting to be friends with anyone else and of course, seeking revenge for her after her death. We see that his sister's death is so painful that he can no longer remember her name, and even changes his appearance so he is not reminded of her when he looks into the mirror. Everything for these two has been pretty tragic for a while, having to live on their own, having little to no help from parents or other relatives and of course, the lead up to the sister's death and Yul's eventual lead to revenge. The dialogue and inner thoughts of Yul really give such a powerful feeling in this entire visual novel, with the kind of tension that really wants to make you see more of it, all with a beautiful and striking black and white artwork. It really is beautiful. It's hard to predict exactly what will happen next, as I did not expect Mila to be hit by a car and fully expected her to die or almost die by Yul's hands.

It's hard to say whether or not Yul is a romantic or platonic yandere for his sister, since she does die pretty early on. I will wager that Yul is more platonic though considering he does seem more dependent on her, rather than lusts over her but regardless, he does very clearly care about and love her. Regardless, much of his revenge plot is driven by the fact that Blanche caused his sister to die, and the agony he feels afterwards. Considering he doesn't kill Mila by the end of chapter two, it is possible that he could develop feelings for her as well, as his realization that her and her mother's relationship isn't as amicable as it seems. As a yandere, he's mostly just a bit clingy initially, but after her death pretty much goes straight into more sinister roles, killing animals to try to sate her hatred of Blanche and of course stalking Mila to kill her as well as meticulously learning her schedule just to kill her. Those last ones aren't specific to yanderes themselves, but he does incorporate a lot of traits from there to get his revenge. If he does possibly fall for Mila, then these traits might come back not to try to get her killed but possibly to protect her. It is always fun to see how these more thriller like stories go.

Overall, while this is still in a demo state, it is extremely promising and is a thriller/horror type story that really keeps you on your toes. As this creator did likely create Paper Cuts, I can see their expertise in writing this as the thriller aspect of Paper Cuts really kept you on your toes. I highly recommend it and look forward to new chapters coming out in the future.

[owlsie-hoot]

All Creatures Great and small "Holding the baby" 05x02

I don't even know where to start!

First: my internet connection was not AWOL this week and I could watch the entire episode without any trouble. And maybe that is why I still cannot sort my thoughts!

What was this episode? What happened? How many of the predictions came true? How many spoiler dots were correctly connected? A LOT!

Starting at the beginning:

Audrey being on one of her first training sessions to learn everything about her new job, a scene I was eagerly looking forward since the end of February. That the episode started with that was simply amazing. I cried because it made me so happy. Of course it was Siegfried who didn't close the curtains correctly - prediction one. And of course he waited for her because he wanted to make "you were accounted for" - correct prediction two. I mean how many times have we written about this scenario in fanfics? I certainly have used this trope numerous times. Needless to say that this entire sequence already killed me and that was only the beginning. The joking, the banter, the care, the offering of a nightcap, handing her the letter from Tristan. There is no line there anymore. It has vanished.

Only in my rewatch did I notice that episode 2 picks up directly after episode 1. Just one hour later. So we all got to yell "Bingo" if we assumed that Siegfried was only still up, talking to James, because he was waiting for Audrey in episode 1. (sorry was too excited last night to notice this)

Siegfried and Jimmy at the breakfast table: can it get any cuter? Seriously! Reading medical textbooks to the baby is so Siegfried.

The story slowly unfolds after that of course and I didn't dare hope that Siegfried and Audrey would get more than two scenes for themselves. Setting my expectations very low for each episode is hard but rewarding because they were inseparable in that episode. Siegfried storming through the house, yelling her name, ranting about Bosworth, telling her everything he hates about that guy, is so married! Of course Bosworth hears everything and of course Siegfried puts his foot in. "Monopolising my housekeeper" - is one way of phrasing it but I think that 'housekeeper' is by now a very hollow expression, only used out of habit. And because every other term would give him away. He cannot say her first name, he cannot say partner, wife, companion, friend. I wasn't sure if the look Audrey shot him was because he called her 'housekeeper' or because he interfered her meeting and offended Bosworth.

Cue Siegfried apologising (scene number 3 for them!) almost immediately afterwards in his own special way. He fully accepts her terms and conditions and points out that he was only angry with Bosworth and not with Audrey who only had two training sessions so far. "feels like more" he mutters because he misses her and doesn't like sharing her. But he does not really understand that he is jealous. At least they talk now! Still not enough but there is so much more communication between them that is emotionally important and not your regular small talk.

As if this wasn't already enough, the next correctly predicted scene happens. Audrey riding her bike while on a round, finding poor Bingo and calling Siegfried for help. Once again the two share a frame but this time even more flirting is added. The looks are killing me and I can't believe what I just witnessed. There was admiration and pride, thankfulness and a tenderness in that scene that leaves no doubt that Audrey is slowly getting there.

The next scene with them doesn't help either because the first hint is dropped that Siegfried is too old for romance (and doesn't have a family) - which Audrey finds so funny that she has a hard time suppressing her laughter. Bosworth could not be more wrong. Seeing Audrey and Siegfried sitting opposite the warden, like the couple they unofficially are, in a house that reminds us of Gerald's dark bachelor flat, is the cherry on top of the cake. Followed by the epic car ride (prediction number 4!) that I rewatched directly afterwards.

Audrey teasing him and Siegfried knowing that she does but playing along. They are on fire. Additionally we have never seen Audrey so carefree, so at ease and happy, smiling and teasing throughout an episode. Gone is the weight that she had carried around for such a long time. She truly is free and Siegfried welcomes this with open arms. "There should be a line between employer and employee" "when is suits" - that line Siegfried pointed out in 01.02 has eroded. She can endlessly tease him and he joins in. Seize the day! And smile about it.

Only to step hard on the breaks later. Have we ever heard Audrey tease him like that? Or Siegfried answer in such a flirty sarcastic way? I don't think so. Will add "Stubborn beast" to the list of endearments Audrey uses for Siegfried.

And finally, the last scene. Not alone this time but the predicted, apron wearing husband. Adapting, helping, not being grumpy about it. And his wife who lets him fight his own battles because she enjoys the squabble between Bosworth and Siegfried way too much (when it is not about her).

[aiyexayen]

I promise im not a bot, and to prove it i'll ask for a hanzhou kiss 🥺 doesnt have to be wholesome, just whatever strikes your fancy

🥹❤️

The first time happens thoughtlessly, almost unintentionally.

Han Ying is 14 and not yet used to his limbs after his recent growth spurt. He didn't know he could have growth spurts before he had access to regular meals. But he can, and he is sure that's why he screwed up his assignment. Regardless of the reason, he is still responsible for ruining Tian Chuang's entire mission today.

And somehow, he has been forgiven. By a man with more mercy than Han Ying knows how to handle.

Anyone else, he is certain, would have thrown him back where he came from.

On his knees before Zhou-shouling, he finds himself too overcome for words of gratitude, reaching instead for the hand hanging idle at Zhou-shouling's side. He grips it in both of his. It's instinct; hasn't he seen so many servants do something like this when their masters bid them?

Han Ying's lips press into the soft skin for just a second before he feels Zhou-shouling's flinch. He looks up in time to catch confusion, smoothing into understanding and...things he doesn't quite recognise.

Qin-xiongdi tells him later, eyes dancing with mirth, that he should have pressed the hand to his forehead, not his mouth--except he shouldn't have done anything of the sort actually and he really has so much to learn about living in society, doesn't he?

Han Ying nods absently, because it's true, but he goes to bed with cheeks warm from the lingering memory of pressure on his lips and the untameable thoughts of a 14 year old mind.

The second time cannot be called an accident, mere months after the first. But neither is it calculated.

They are celebrating Zhou-shouling's twentieth birthday. Or rather, Zhou-shouling and Qin-xiongdi disappeared up to the palace early in the evening to celebrate and Han Ying has waited up alone for sounds of their return, vigilant, something he pretends is not yearning sitting heavy in the aching pit of his stomach.

When they do return it is...surprisingly loud.

Han Ying is very good at what he does, and still there are days when he cannot hear Zhou-shouling approach. The man is not just merciful, not just understanding and patient and full of barely-subdued humour, but also a refined gentleman, clever and skilled beyond measure.

So why is it that tonight Han Ying can hear not only Qin-xiongdi's clomping but Zhou-shouling next to him, stumbling?

He's out the door and down the hall in an instant, adrenaline pumpung, imagining the worst, imagining Zhou-shouling limping, covered in blood--

"'S Ying'er! What're yeu--you--out of bed! Doing! Hah!"

Han Ying stops in his tracks as a thoroughly wasted Zhou Zishu collapses against his hiccoughing, giggling shidi.

"Shixiong got--hc!--he got so drunk," Qin-xiongdi exclaims in the worst loud whisper Han Ying has ever heard. "Can you--hc!--believe it, Han Ying?--hc!"

Well, certainly he can, because it's right before him. What he can't really quite come to terms with is the fond, playful tone wrapped warmly around the unfamiliar Ying'er.

But when his two superiors almost fall over on their next step, Han Ying collects himself and steps in to relieve Qin-xiongdi of his task before he sends them both toppling to the ground.

"Shoul' get that boy some...that boy some more..." Zhou-shouling doesn't finish his thought, trailing off into a sigh as Qin-xiongdi leaves.

One hand grasping a limp arm, one hand firm on broad leather, it's quick work to get Zhou-shouling to his own rooms. But it's also so much closeness--too much for Han Ying to process: a head lolling onto his shoulder; hot breath at his neck and the smell of alcohol; warm weight against his side, so effortlessly trusting.

Ying'er.

Easier to slide under the mantle of duty and attentiveness than even acknowledge it as real, so in silence, he readies Zhou-shouling for bed; without Qin-xiongdi's energy, he seems content to simply drift.

Hydration--water droplets running down the corner of red lips, a strong chin--

Belt--hard leather hitting the floor, a quiet exhale of relief, a soft hum of contentment vibrating under his fingertips--

Boots--what if he slipped and touched that leg--what if he looked up from where he's kneeling and realised the position was just like--

Han Ying, biting down hard on the inside of his cheek, tips Zhou-shouling over onto the bed and lifts his feet up to settle him properly. He's practically asleep already, his breathing deep and slow, stray hairs wisping around his cheeks.

Hands, resting easily across his middle. Han Ying lifts them up to tuck the blanket in under them. But perhaps he has tried too hard to not think at all tonight because as he goes to put them back down, determined to not notice Zhou-shouling's exposed neck, he finds himself ghosting his lips across cool fingertips.

What--what is he doing?! He freezes, drops Zhou-shouling's hands as though burnt, and looks up, breath caught.

But his shouling is still fast asleep. Fast asleep and drunk besides, his brain finally catches up and reminds him. Han Ying lets out his breath. He has no right to such intimacy, but he's been given a stay of execution tonight. He had better not waste it.

Carefully, he flees to his own room and doesn't think about anything else at all.

The third time...Han Ying cannot even guess how the third time comes to be.

He is young, and he strives to be good, to be the best. If not in skill than in obedience. It's no longer about debt, it's about loyalty.

But he is 15, going on 16, and even he cannot beat out of himself the independent streak that kept him alive on the streets all those years.

So he finds himself again on his knees, explaining his actions.

"You are right to tell me the truth the first time."

Who would dare try to lie to Zhou Zishu?

Something of his thoughts must show on Han Ying's downturned face because the man in question snorts lightly and adds, "Not all your fellows are as clever as you."

Han Ying keeps his head bowed, but tension drains from him; he would not be receiving such praise if he were seriously in trouble.

"Your actions are understandable, but not permitted," he is told. "I expect that the next time someone pushes you to the point of retaliation, I will not hear about it."

It takes a second for Han Ying to process the precise words he's hearing. But he cannot be mistaken; there is nobody more exact with his words than the exacting Zhou-shouling.

"Yes, Zhuangzhu," he ventures.

There's an unmistakable note of amusement when Zhou-zhuangzhu confirms, "Consider it your mission."

Permission, then. Permission to do whatever he wants, so long as he doesn't get caught. Han Ying didn't think he could adore him any more, but he does. Every day.

"Yes, Zhuangzhu."

"Come on, then."

And he looks up at last, but he does not see his zhuangzhu beckoning him to rise. Instead he stands directly in front of Han Ying, one hand slightly stretched toward him, palm still facing down. Han Ying furrows his brow.

"Zhuangzhu?"

"Don't tell me you suddenly don't know what to do," Zhou-zhuangzhu says, "Ying'er."

Certainly, he isn't...?

But there's a challenge behind his eyes, sparkling a bit, so similar to the way his shidi looks when he dares Han Ying to do something a bit reckless. Han Ying swallows, but reaches out his hands; he is not a coward.

He kisses Zhou-zhuangzhu's hand and as if they have done this a hundred--a thousand times before this, Zhou-zhuangzhu detaches himself with grace and waves Han Ying to stand.

"Very good. Go report for your chores."

Reeling, Han Ying does.

After that...after that, Han Ying has the great luxury to lose track. He belongs to Zhou Zishu in a way no other Tian Chuang operative does and he may not be one of the Siji Shanzhuang disciples, or even their disciples, but he is something, and there is rarely a time he finds himself on his knees that he is not allowed the privilege of that kiss.

He is 16 and sent to his knees with a sharp word after raising his voice to his zhuangzhu; his kiss is barely-there, ashamed and still prickling with discomfort, but no less sincere.

He is 17 and accepting his promotion; gratitude wells up in him and he allows it only to show in this gesture, determined to keep composure and make Zhou-zhuangzhu proud.

He is 18 and kneeling in spite of his broken leg, true failure heavy on his heart in a way he could not have imagined four years ago; he presses his bloody lips to a hand that he pretends is not ever-so-slightly trembling.

He is 19 and his heart stops in his chest every time he sees Zhou Zishu do, well, anything; he makes every excuse to kneel in his presence, for any reason, just so he can look up expectantly for the hand that is never denied.

He is 20 and letting his lips linger every time a bit longer, leaving these unspoken feelings in the sacred space between them--the only indulgence, he has realised, that either of them will ever allow.

He is 21 and Zhou-zhuangzhu has begun turning up drunk at his doorstep, not from any party he knows about; he leaves the kiss that is his by rights even on the nights Zhuangzhu is too far gone to notice.

He is 22 and no matter how severe Zhou-zhuangzhu gets, no matter how cold, he does not forget to give Han Ying his hand. He is 22 and gives Zhou-zhuangzhu the fullness of his fealty--as if there was ever any doubt he had it--and seals it in secret between them with the briefest of contact. He hopes it is not a greater burden than it is a tool.

He is 23 and Zhou Zishu is gone.

It is only then that Han Ying realises he lost count.

Each week that passes after that, he feels more and more bereft. It should seem silly, or stupid, that he misses something so ephemeral and ill-defined, but it's the most serious thing in the world. It never needed definition or explanation. And it was all he ever asked. All he wanted: to be allowed to cherish, even if not to be cherished in return.

He doesn't shirk his duty, but he loses all trace of satisfaction in it and there is a permanent tension between his shoulders that takes up residence and will not go.

But the worst is yet to happen, because the worst possible thing is the day he finds Zhou Zishu in the forest, heart full of relief and far too much else. Han Ying kneels on the rough ground, strung taut like a bow, and Zhou-zhuangzhu...pulls him to his feet.

And again, even when his companion has left them to their own devices.

And a third time, in Han Ying's own room.

For the first time in almost a decade, he didn't dare touch his drunk zhuangzhu more than necessary to lay him down in bed.

And then Zhou Zishu walks away from every declaration Han Ying frantically tries to make verbal, leaves him there drowning in the void between them.

That could have been the end of it. If it weren't for a collective display of quick thinking and good timing, it would have been; Han Ying is not easily deterred once he has set his mind on something. Not even when faced with the price tag of his own life.

Zhou Zishu should have known that, he thinks, sitting on the edge of the bed and looking down at his...his Han Ying, whatever else he is to him now. It's not fair that he looks so peaceful in his healing slumber when Zhou Zishu is sure his own pulse still hasn't slowed from the clawing panic underneath his skin these past few terrible, frenetic days.

Wu Xi assured him that the little fool will be fine, and should wake any time now. Zishu is reluctant to leave his side before then. Which is convenient, because Wen Kexing of all people has snubbed him, refusing to have a civil conversation until he's "done right by Ying'er" and refusing to even let him at their own disciple.

What the hell did Wen Kexing get out of Han Ying when he was dying, anyway?

It doesn't matter. What matters is that he didn't die.

Zishu perhaps deserves whatever passing ire Lao Wen wants to throw him on behalf of Han Ying who is too...Han Ying to do it himself.

Curling his hand around the still one at rest, reassuring himself of its continued warmth, Zishu watches the blanket rise and fall steadily in the afternoon sunlight.

Perhaps Han Ying was foolish, but if the servant is a fool than the master is bound to be a bigger one. And he was an absolute fool to send him away, to think that if he just tried hard enough, he could truly push Han Ying out of his life and into his own, somewhere off the road to hell. He was a fool to think Han Ying wouldn't just throw himself down that path all the harder. He would burn himself out like a star for Zishu at a moment's notice, even if he believed Zishu didn't care about him at all anymore.

What would Zishu do, if their roles were reversed?

What hasn't he threatened to do for Lao Wen, for Chengling? What hasn't he already done in this life?

For the one who has never so much as faltered a single step, no matter where Zishu led? For the one who tempted him longer than he ever should have allowed? For the one he can rely on at the worst of himself? He knows the answer already.

Han Ying shifts, just slightly, but Zishu can feel the movement ripple on the bed and he is prepared for the groggy, "...Zhuangzhu?"

He has had long enough to contemplate his response.

He lifts Han Ying's hand in his own and without preamble presses a kiss directly to the back of it, holding it through Han Ying's flinch and sharp indrawn breath. Han Ying's other hand is raised as if to do something and he takes advantage of it, drawing that one in for its own display of affection.

Through it all he keeps eye contact, watching the journey of Han Ying's face--mouth open just slightly, cheeks flushed, eyes wide and then narrow, calculating too much on a mind too fresh from sleep.

"I owe you two, Ying'er," Zishu offers simply.

Han Ying's face is red but he's always been a bit quicker than Zishu expects. "I don't get anything for almost dying?" he manages with a hoarse voice.

Zishu snorts. "No. You know well that I don't reward such folly." Then before Han Ying can get comfortable, he leans in closer, lets his gaze flicker down and back up with intention. Waits for the exact moment he sees the disbelief register and says, "But this is for waking up."

It's probably a reckless, ridiculous thing to do, ducking in to set his mouth against Han Ying's and forever changing something that nobody asked to be changed. But Zishu's life is full of reckless, ridiculous things now, and he can hardly claim it's the worst he's ever done. It doesn't even rank in the top fifty. He kisses him firmly, unapologetic, freeing his hands to cup Han Ying's face between them.

He doesn't stop until Han Ying no longer tastes of salt. He pulls back, hands dropping to cover the ones tangled desperately in the front of Zishu's robes.

Nonsensically, Han Ying mutters, eyes closed, "One."

[lost-estradiographer]

I

know that voting for the status quo sucks.

To say it "sucks" massively understates the exact amount of suffering that exists under the status quo, an amount that I acknowledge I am too privileged to ever fully grasp.

I cannot magically provide some viable third-party candidate just barely a month before the election. I cannot solve Israel/Palestine Conflict that has haunted the world for over 70 years. I am a 29-year old transgender woman working her way through her own mental illnesses, trauma, and an undergraduate degree. I was never going to be the one to solve anything here.

All I can tell you is that regardless of whether you vote or not, there will be a presidential election. It's going to be a shitshow, regardless. Whether you vote or not, there will be a different president in January. Voting for the status quo may not be directly in your interests.

We had four years of Trump and we are still trying to unfuck ourselves from that. The beginning of my antagonistic relationship with the government was protesting in the streets of DC under his administration. I've fled from the Metro PD. I've put on a change of clothes and slipped out the back door of a gay sports bar.

Fucking vote.

Fucking vote.

Fucking vote.

Honestly, I

I don't want to see this voter apathy shit anymore.

People are going to keep dying under any president. Any president can, and probably wil, be morally culpable for the deaths of innocent people, both in the country and abroad. Carter might be the last president we had that wasn't overtly a war criminal and we still had foreign civilians killed by U.S. military involvement under the Carter admin.

I'm torn between asking you to block me, or asking you to message me, if you're taking the route of voter apathy. I'll tell you right away, here and now, that I probably don't have a solution to whatever problem is keeping you from voting for Harris. I can't even solve my own problems right, tbh. The government isn't really here for me, either.

But there isn't going to be some sort of miraculous revolution that results in The Ending Where Everyone Lives. If there's a revolution, then supply chains will falter and children and the infirm will die of preventable diseases and infections and complications in hospitals that would have otherwise been able to easily deal with such things. That's what happens in a revolution. I'm after the long-term idea where Humanity as a species lives. I'm after the route where we don't have an ending, we keep going.

Fucking vote, because exactly one of the two leading presidential candidates believes climate change is real, and it is the single greatest threat to all life on earth. We have spent the past 250 years, not just playing God with the environment, but actively creating an ecological niche in which future generations of humanity must continue to play God with the environment, dragging it back to a healthy place drop by drop, inch by inch, a degree at a time.

Or, I mean, don't vote. Either way, we'll all die at some point. Perhaps some of us will be lucky enough to die standing by our principles.

Those lucky few will become soil one day, just like I will.

I am begging you on my hands and knees to fucking vote, though, because our options are The Status Quo vs. Worse. That's

That's it.

There is no door number three right now. Our system, our flawed and broken and imbalanced and unjust system, does not accommodate for a third door. Whether you vote or not, you will be dragged through either Door 1 or Door 2 with all of humanity, as we whirl through the cosmos upon our tiny little speck of dust. The only other legitimate option is to allow oneself to become trampled; to become soil early. I don't say legitimate to give this option legitimacy, but to make clear that again, there is no door three. Door three is a casket. A one-way bed.

I didn't vote in 2016, and I'm hoping that you'll vote for the status quo this time, because that's the route that gives me the best odds of having a long and healthy life to regret my failure through inaction.

Just please

Fucking vote.

Or again, if you're taking the apathy route, probably just save me the time of blocking you, because you're not going to magically pull a viable third-party candidate out of your pocket less than six weeks before the election.

[ananke-xiii]

usual disclaimer: this is just me thinking out loud, sort of, some of this stuff is probably incoherent or even incorrect, I'm just playing around with my obsessions lol, take it with a grain of salt.

Previously I've written that it's possible that Dean has inadvertently caused John to grow up without his father, Henry. Today I even dare to write that Castiel has accidentally ("accidentally" because he didn't know he was used as a pawn back then) caused "Mary's choice" by creating a causal loop where he sends Dean "back" in time causing the events to unfold as they did precisely because Dean was there.

In the episode "In the beginning" Cas sends Dean to the 70s saying he needs to stop "it" and that time is fluid and angels can bend it on occasion even if it's not simple. Then we have this dialogue:

Dean: Alright, if I do this, then the family curse breaks, right? Mom and Dad live happily ever after, and – and, Sam and I grow up playing little league and chasing tail? Castiel: You realize, if you do alter the future, your father, you, Sam – you'll never become hunters. And all those people you saved, they'll die. Dean: I realize. Castiel: And you don't care? Dean: Oh, I care. I care a lot, but these are my parents. I'm not gonna let them die again. I can't. No, not if I can stop it.

There are too many "ifs" in this dialogue. So can the future be altered or not? Is time fluid and can be bent or not? It seems the answer to these questions is yes but let's see what happens next.

Castiel has Dean under the impression that if he manages to stop "it", the family curse breaks and Dean very much wants it to be broken even at the expense of the people that he has saved. But the more Dean tries to stop "it", the more he makes it happen. He goes to that farm to kill the demon and Mary follows him there. She was not on Azazel's radar because we hear him say this:

"Where the hell have they been hiding you?"

And I wonder who this "they" is.

Then, after all the drama, Cas goes to Dean and tells him not to feel bad because he couldn't have stopped it and he just wanted Dean to see the truth. This is when he says this:

"Destiny can't be changed, Dean. All roads lead to the same destination."

And that now Dean knows everything that "we" (the angels, according to Castiel) know.

Therefore, the answer to those questions and to all those "ifs" is a big fat no, right? Right?! The future cannot be altered and time is not fluid, well, that is, humans cannot alter the future and for humans time is not fluid. The angels spend a considerable amount of power to make humans believe so and I wonder why if all they, the angels, want is The End of Time, therefore they don't care about the future because they know (or they think they do) that time will inevitably end. Maybe they are not so sure after all. It seems to me that for creatures who are able to bend time and move through dimensions, angels ridiculously depend on humans' notion of time. Which, in turn, make them very powerless.

The episode ends with this dialogue which is insane to me:

Castiel: We know what Azazel did to your brother. What we don't know is why – what his endgame is. He went to great lengths to cover that up. Dean: Where's Sam? Castiel: 425 Waterman. You brother is headed down a dangerous road, Dean, and we're not sure where it leads. So stop it. Or we will.

There's something that doesn't add up AT ALL, or am I crazy? If destiny can't be changed and Dean couldn't stop it from happening and all roads lead to the same destination then why does Dean need to go to the destination of 425 Waterman to stop his brother from doing something that supposedly nobody (actually "we" who are, again, the angels according to Castiel before he knew the truth) really knows where it might lead while it was established that Dean can't stop jack shit and, on the contrary, the more he does, the more he's dooming himself and his family in the process? (okay that was a veeeery long question, you can breathe now).

Is it "destiny" that can't be changed or is it the past? 'Cause they either are the same thing or they're not. If destiny is the past then the question of free will changes significantly because time for the angels is fluid and they can bend it on occasion but it's not fluid for humans. If destiny=past and it can't be changed then all humans are left with is the capacity to accept it as it is, it's the only way to break "the curse".

If destiny and past are not the same thing, then why Dean couldn't change the past? If destiny is destiny and the past is the past, it shouldn't matter if the past is changed or not, should it? Because eventually destiny can't be changed and all roads lead to the same destination. And since this "destiny" can't be changed and Dean indeed didn't alter the future it therefore means that it was exactly what Dean did that helped cause the events in the past. What would have happened if Castiel hadn't made Dean think that he could have broken the family curse? If all Dean did in the 70s was walking around enjoying the view? Would the events still unfold as they did or not? Would it have been necessary for Michael himself to sweep in and "save the day" like he had to in "The Song Remains the Same"?

If this is the case, if Castiel acted as a sort of "agent of fate", then no wonder it's Castiel who must tear up the script by showing up in the story unannounced because he was the primary instrument that caused the story to happen in the first place. He cannot break the causal cycle because he is the cause. By showing up to Chuck's house and start making it up as he goes the loop is left to itself and will forever be happening while, in the "future", he helps events deviate from their supposed "destination". In this light, then, what Chuck says in s15 might be true, there might be other timelines where Cas does what he's told, i.e. keeping the timeline intact but it's not happening in "our" (the one we the audience see) timeline because it's a new branch that he himself has created to break from the impossibility of changing the "destiny", whatever it means, of that specific timeline.

I'm not sure if I'm making any sense but, like, time travels in SPN are insanely fun because they don't follow any consistency at all and are therefore interesting if you like to follow the thread and see what they might have gone if thoroughly explored.

[hstayafanart]

Farmtale Sans! Not totally happy with him but I've been poking at him all week and I'm over it haha

I was aiming for a chubby farm cat. I was trying to make him a warmer brown but I just couldn't get it looking good. I considered ginger but I don't think Crop has ginger cat energy haha

Click here for all my UTMV kitty designs!

Sorry I haven't been posting much, I cannot begin to tell you how busy this course is keeping me. Still working on the fic as well, about a third of the way through my initial draft (I can't really call it a 'first' draft: I go through and edit the other chapters before writing new ones).

TMI - discussion of medical issues below

(bittersweet!) Personal Update

I must admit I'm falling out of the fandom a little - partly because I've been working on a personal project. I'm definitely finishing the fic - and I may keep drawing kitties/adding to the Down Under AU, but I think I'll be taking a break after this last story is done. Writing got me through one of the hardest points in my life, and I think part of the reason I'm ready to finish things up is because my life is so vastly improved.

107 days sober from skin picking, anxiety attacks are way less common and less severe when they do happen, I've halved my anxiety meds, and I've finally found something I truly love doing in bush regeneraton.

On top of that, after 11 years of trying to get doctors to believe my crippling period pain and suicidal depression during PMS, I've finally found a gyno willing to give me a hysterectomy. I've wanted this since I was 16. Having your pain believed makes such a difference.

My ulna nerve pain is under control, my mental health is under control - things are going so well I feel like I'm dreaming.

Fanfic things:

The final excuse reason the final story is taking so long to draft is because I want to wrap things up in a satisfying way. I want to give them a happy ending, but there's a lot of relationship issues between different parties to iron out first. There's a bit more focus on Ink & Error in this one, and a little on Nightmare's issues with other Outcodes too (I'm less interested in his relationship with Dream - I don't feel I have anything to add to a fandom gloriously saturated in them).

And! A bit more on Killer, too. A lot of fandom interpretations of him have him feeling, but I'm trying to stick a little closer to canon, as fun as those readings of him are. Working out the emotions of a monster incapable of feeling without having a complete breakdown is fun. :)

[kanronotatsu]

something something noh sangcheol, a complete outsider, a cop with serious anger management issues and prejudice against criminals, who never knew high schooler golden boy goh jeongwoo and has met him twice before learning he's a murderer still noticing that something is *wrong* and working through his bias to come out on jeongwoo's side

vs

jeongwoo's father's closest friends & jeongwoo's closest friends, who have all known him since childhood, some of them probably even held him as a baby, and has known him more than anyone else apart from his parents not only betraying his trust and destroying his life completely, but also doing everything to divert blame back to jeongwoo by all means necessary

i think about this dichotomy a lot

[stedesparasol]

y'know it's funny how we talk about certain fan reactions to izzy's death bc i watched the recent m*a*s*h documentary where they talked about abyssinia henry (an episode which kills off a major character) and there was a clip of the showrunner quoting angry letters he received after that episode aired:

'you tricked us' 'you sucked us in' 'we thought this was a comedy show' 'how dare you toy with our feelings'

this is a show set in the KOREAN WAR and people still felt a character death was a 'trick' and a betrayal. not only that but i cannot express how thematically relevant and important this death was for the entire thesis of the show. and yet they received 1,000 letters from viewers about it (though some were praising the episode, and it is overall viewed positively in retrospect).

idk i just found it interesting. this episode came out in 1975 and nothing's really changed.

start discourse on this post and i'll cut off your toes.

[superlinimal]

i have one more gif because my boyfriend is awesome at looking through files. rhys obliterated.gif

[x-v4mp3y3lin3r-x]

man, Jenny Nicholson's weird racist behavior is a lot worse than I thought. coming across a post of her attempting to subtly pedojacket John Boyega is crazy.

[einaudis]

In case you're wondering, I made several posts private ended up deleting several posts. I hope you're capable of imagining why.

[cosmojjong]

hold on. i am seeing shinee in two weeks.

[electroniccollectiondonut]

okay my take on this whole titanic sub thing is. was paying 250k to get into the death tube a stupid decision motivated entirely by wealth? probably! does that make it okay for us to be celebrating the likely horrific deaths of these people who did not do anything wrong? no! what the fuck is wrong with you!

[cloudcountry]

my two moods while playing jihyun's route are "jihyun i love you, i want you to be safe and happy and love yourself, i want to make sure you know you can trust people and i want you to know that some things just couldn't be avoided because they were the decisions of other people and you couldn't have done anything to help or stop it even if you wanted to, and i know you aren't perfect but i love you anyways because you're trying to get better and improve and thats a beautiful thing." and "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOOSUNG."

[ghostlyauroras]

I GOT THEM TICKETS!!! I'M SEEING TAYLOR AUGUST 27 IN MEXICO CITY!!! IN FUCKING PLATINUM ROW 18!!! 😭😭😭 HOW IS THIS A REAL THING THAT IS HAPPENING TO ME RIGHT NOW WHAT THE FUCK???

[babybearnini]

Yall what in the ever loving fuck am I supposed to do without my grandma in this life