#i cannot STAND how much i love this
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twistmusings · 4 months ago
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Character Analysis of the Twisted Wonderland Dorm Rooms - Octavinelle
Dorm Room Character Analysis Series
Heartslabyul | Savanaclaw | Octavinelle | Scarabia | Pomefiore | Ignihyde | Diasomnia
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Azul Ashengrotto
Azul actually has a lot of little touches in his room that are very cute. For one thing, his general decor lends itself to the idea that Azul likes the finer things in life. Truthfully, all of the dorm rooms are have shown a lot of attention to the character's actual stylistic preferences in the Guest room and Azul is no exception.
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Rather than having a bedside table, Azul has a second safe in his room in addition to the large one he has in his office. This is interesting because, well, that means that there's things that are likely more important to him than the contracts he kept in his vault in his office. I'm certainly curious about what sort of thing Azul would choose to keep in a personal vault - are they especially important contracts to him? Money? Or, perhaps, just other things that are especially special to him. I know the kneejerk reaction for a lot of folks is to be that it's where he stores his coin collection, however...
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Azul actually displays his coin collection in a frame! He has them mounted in velvet.
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Several of the other characters have featured a feather pen and ink bottles in their room, however a cute touch is that Azul's pen is actually fish bones. This is a cute little insight into what they may use for pens underneath the Coral Sea. Or, perhaps, Azul just has a flare for the dramatic.
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Azul has a trunk and several potion bottles on top of his wardrobe. The fact that Azul has these out in the open on top of the trunk likely means that all of the items in the trunk were potion bottles, and then because they were stored up so high, he placed the ones he commonly uses on top, rather than storing them back inside the trunk. Azul is otherwise very organized, so it would make logical sense that if he's not putting these away, they're likely out because he knows he's going to reach for them again.
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This is honestly probably my favorite detail in Azul's room because these are terrariums. Azul never mentions having any interest in Terrariums, but Jade does, meaning that these are likely terrariums that Jade made for Azul and gave him as gifts. This is actually really cute, because though the Leech twins joke about leaving Azul as soon as he becomes boring in canon, this shows that Jade at the very least thinks of Azul in his free time when he's not at work or around Azul by obligation, enough to have given him gifts. it's also worth noting that Azul has these displayed, which means that they aren't a gift that's rotting away in a drawer or stowed away somewhere. It's also worth mentioning that the ones that have plants in them are alive, which requires at least some level of attention to them in order to maintain the environment inside. Little things like this show how much the characters actually care about each other.
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Azul's hidden Mickey is next to his shelf of terrariums.
Jade Leech
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Jade is an interesting case because he, like Ruggie and Trey, doesn't actually have much displayed in his room in terms of decoration. That being said, what he does have displayed are his terrariums. Jade being the sole member of the Mountain Lover's club, it seems like he probably spends a lot of his free time out and tending to either his plants in the greenhouse or actually hiking.
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This isn't likely directly because of Jade, however it seems like Octavinelle as a whole have coat hangers and hat racks that are themed around octopi, which is possibly the cutest thing I've ever seen.
Jade is notably organized - he has his shoes on his shoe rack, his hat and scarf hung up, and his bed made. This will become more important when you see Floyd's half of the room.
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There is also this object. While I'm not certain and it doesn't seem to be mentioned in any of Jade's vignettes outright, I suspect this may be a jewelry box. It's a little hard to tell in comparison to a lot of the items in the student rooms, though, so if anyone has any additional input, please let me know! Neither of the other two from Octavinelle have an object like this one in their rooms.
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Jade's Hidden Mickey is on one of his terrariums.
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Fun fact, Jade AND Floyd both have errors in their Night 2 versions of their backgrounds, as they are both missing the hidden Mickey.
Floyd Leech
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Oh, Floyd, sweetheart, you live like this?
Jokes aside, Floyd actually has some things of note! While his side of his and Jade's room (canonically they share a room) is messy, he's messy in a different fashion than someone like Leona. Where Leona doesn't hang his clothes - Floyd does. Or at the very least, it seems like someone does it for him. (Given the haphazard hanging of his jacket, though, I would guess that he probably does it himself.) What does that tell us? Well, more than likely, Floyd gets small bursts of motivation to clean certain aspects of his room, and then grows bored and gives them up. To be quite honest, for those who know of or experience it, Floyd's organization style reminds me a lot of how ADHD folks tend to struggle with forming sustainable cleaning habits, as it's often easier to put something down rather than to put it away.
Snacks, literally everywhere. Floyd has snacks on his desk as well as on the shelf above his bed. It would seem that Floyd has a serious sweet-tooth, given the amount of sweets that we see in his room.
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For the life of me, I could not tell you if this is a trash bin or not, but if it is, it looks like whatever Floyd put in there has teeth marks on it.
Another thing of note about Floyd's room, while there's a lot of things that are strewn around, there's not actually all that much trash around. He has a single empty container on his desk, but otherwise his floors are clean, and it seems like things that need to end up disposed are. Again, whether or not that's Jade intervening because they share a room, it's hard to say.
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Floyd's hidden Mickey is on his pillow.
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As was mentioned in Jade's section, both Floyd and Jade's Night 2 versions of their backgrounds are missing the hidden Mickey. Floyd's background has an additional error however!
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Floyd's box of cookies is actually missing the box in his Night 2 artwork. If I had to guess, since I have experience with digital art, more than likely, the layer containing these details was accidentally deleted when making the edits for the Night 2 cards, resulting in these things disappearing when the background were published. It's a minor error, all things considered, and gave me a little giggle because now it just looks like Floyd has haunted cookies floating in his room.
Addendum
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Excellent catch by @twistedminutia that Azul's fish bone pen is likely in reference to the pen Ariel signs her contract with in the original movie! (To be quite honest, and I know this is ironic given that this blog has such a heavy octavinelle theming, but the little mermaid was my least favorite Disney movie growing up, so I never would have caught this myself!)
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itslavenduh · 6 months ago
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Jessie gets her license.
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lifemod17 · 6 months ago
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Like I'm sorry are you seeing how much this man was INTO IT when he sang Would That I earlier?!??
Also the curls were curling, oh my goodness 😍
Source: x.com
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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 1 year ago
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Culture Shock
[First] Prev <–-> Next
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forgetful-river · 1 year ago
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Sometimes being in love is like getting your eye gored in a fit of purifying violence, sometimes it's not
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feroluce · 6 months ago
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Belobog was my fave main quest but a lot of it is so. Contradictory. It's like they had multiple groups doing different shit and none of them checked in with each other for consistency. And you see this so much in Gepard's profile.
So in the main quest, they made him unfailingly, unquestionably loyal to Cocolia. Gepard's character arc is him learning to question authority etc etc. And this isn't even a bad thing; that's a story worth telling! It makes good conflict between him and Serval! And I love that we got Gepard as a boss battle and I get to see him all the time in SU!
But then you look at his character stories and it's like. The complete opposite.
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According to his profile, Gepard has already HAD this awakening, long before the Astral Express, and he'd already decided Cocolia sucks. Even outside of his stories, there's a pretty damning readable between him and Pela.
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He even disobeyed direct orders right in front of her- he has been disobeying orders for a while now!
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So I've decided I'm marrying the two different sides of this into a 1.5k fic-ish thingy, because I think there's some fun potential there with Gepard not trusting Cocolia, but still having to pretend to be a good obedient little soldier.
Anyway. I love to think of it as like. Gepard knows Cocolia has sunk into her apathy. He can see it in her eyes every time he looks at her. She doesn't care. Not about him, not about Pela, not about all his soldiers on the frontlines giving their lives to protect the citizens. And that's... It makes him bristle a bit, but ok. Gepard can deal with this. Even if Cocolia no longer cares, as long as she does her job then it's fine. Having compassion behind an action doesn't matter as much as the action itself. If Cocolia's heart is no longer swayed, then he'll just have to care twice as hard to pick up the slack. He considers it part of his duty as a captain of the guard anyway. It's fine. Gepard can deal with it.
And then, Cocolia starts coming down to the restricted zone. Issuing direct orders.
And Gepard realizes he is in way over his head.
Because Cocolia orders him to stay back and issue commands from the ramparts, away from all his comrades, away from where he can protect them.
Gepard had thought nothing could be as bad as watching a fellow guard die right next to him. But the first time he watches someone struck by a killing blow, so far away, it hurts. Every defensive scar across his arms itches, his fingers curl in want of a weapon, the cold cannot numb his hands enough as they desperately ache for his shield. It hurts.
Gepard tries to find any reason to stay. Because surely... He knows Cocolia has lost her love for her people, but surely... She wouldn't...
One day, Cocolia orders for their gunners to advance 20 yards. There are no survivors. She almost looks like she smiles.
Gepard doesn't sleep that night.
Pela brings him the report at the end of the first month; and then the month after that, and the month after that. A significant uptick in losses, and all of it started on that first day Cocolia started overriding his authority and issuing her own orders. The ends of Gepard's pens have all been nearly chewed off. Pela outright calls Cocolia an idiot, and Gepard corrects her. Cocolia isn't an idiot. Gepard had known her through Serval, knew her through all her college years and then some, and he knows how intelligent she is. It's not that she's stupid, and it's not that she's inexperienced, it's nothing of the sort.
Cocolia knows exactly what she's doing.
She must, there's no way she could make such a horrible mess of things so badly by accident. And Pela, quick as a whip, sharp as a tack, always too smart for her own good, catches onto the meaning behind Gepard's correction without any further prompting. The tent goes deathly quiet, nothing but the wind howling outside.
"...She's trying to kill us," Pela whispers, her voice swiftly suffocated by the silence.
Gepard swallows. He can't bring himself to correct her this time. There is nothing he could say that he would actually mean.
His gaze drops, back down to his desk and the reports on it. The names aren't listed, just the numbers, but Gepard knows them, knew them, and there must be something wrong, something he's missing, because why, why would she-? What could this possibly accomplish-?
“Gepard! Focus!” Something snaps right under his nose, and Gepard startles, eyes instantly honing in on Pela's irritated face as she leans over his desk. She holds his gaze for a moment before she huffs and begins to pace, wedges a knuckle between her teeth and bites like Gepard hasn't seen her do since cadet school.
Pela angrily strides from one end of his tent to the other, words hissed between her grit teeth. “What are we going to do?” In the dim lighting, Gepard can just barely see the damp spot of blood weeping under her gloves. “We need a plan.”
“A plan?”
“Wh- Yes, a plan! Unless you want more people to die!” Pela rounds on him then, all the wrath of a blizzard, winds roaring and snow sharp enough to cut.
“We don't even know-”
“What does it matter?! She killed-!!” Pela cuts off with a garbled noise when Gepard leaps up from his desk, hastily shoves his hand over her mouth. The prosthetic, not the flesh one, because he knows better than to assume Pela won't seize the opportunity to leave teeth marks in his skin.
“You're right. I'm sorry, I'm sorry; you're right. But you need to keep quiet.” Pela quirks an eyebrow at him and Gepard can read the question in her face. “Because we both saw what she did to Serval,” he hisses.
It's amazing the snow plains haven't thawed out yet, the amount of heat Pela can put behind a glare. The mere mention of Serval, and the smoking ruins Cocolia had made of her life and career, have her bristling up like a riled cat. The sudden hot breath she takes fans fog across his metal skin, and Gepard wisely keeps it in place until Pela finally sighs and reaches up, taps her fingertips against the back of his hand.
The second she's free, Pela bats him away and then her knuckle is right back between her teeth again, Gepard leaning back against his desk with his arms crossed to watch her resume her pacing. “If we spread the word, she'll have us discharged and make sure we can't even touch the frontlines,” Pela's voice seethes like an open sore. Gepard nods but keeps his silence. He knows better than to get in her way.
“And if you and I are both out of the picture, Belobog is fucked.” A little harsher than how he would have put it, but there's no denying that they're both important to the city's survival. Pela has the restricted zone running as efficiently as ever, and Gepard had become the youngest captain on record for a reason. “We need to keep this tight under wraps, at least for now… It can't leak to anyone higher up the chain.” Another nod. “Serval might know other discontents…” Another n-
Gepard's head snaps up. “No.”
“No what?”
“No. We're not involving Serval in this.”
Somehow, even the same tone that leaves entire squadrons shaking in their boots has never worked on her. “You're not deciding that for her, Gepard.”
Pela hadn't seen the worst of it, though, back when his sister had just been banned from the Architects. Serval's pride hadn't allowed it. Pela wasn't the one to find her passed out bottle still in hand, hadn't been the one to wash the sick out of her hair or carry her to bed. 
Serval still has trouble thinking clearly when it comes to Cocolia, still can't quite bring herself to be objective. And Gepard maybe doesn't want her to be purely objective- but he would worry a lot less if she thought twice before she acted more often.
“At least let me be the one to bring it up to her.”
“Whatever, fine,” Pela gestures affirmatively at him as she paces past, and Gepard sighs. Good, at least that's one thing he can help.
From there, it's a lot of hemming and hawing and frustration. Cocolia has them under her boot, and Gepard and Pela both know it. Even with the way she's been cracking down on freedoms lately, Cocolia is still, overall, liked by the people. It's unlikely anyone would believe them. They don't even have solid proof, because most people don't know Cocolia as well as they do and won't see the clues in the same light. 
The Fragmentum has been ramping up in recent years, too. Everyone is struggling just to survive as is, they can't afford a fight on two fronts. Gepard is a damn good captain, one of the best for that matter. But they're at a massive disadvantage, his experience is narrowed to fighting a defensive battle against monsters, that's all he's ever done. That's all anyone there has ever done. He has no way of finding first-hand knowledge for taking the offensive against a human opponent, and if he goes at this blind, there's no way he'll get everyone out unscathed. He's going to lose people. He's going to lose a lot of people.
He'd never thought before that Cocolia would have it in her to have someone killed. And with this new knowledge, he has no guarantee she won't go after Serval or Lynx if she decides to retaliate.
Gepard has to remind himself to breathe when he realizes this.
Pela writes down every name the two of them can come up with. Lists and lists of names and groups and anyone they can think of who might be an ally in all of this. They memorize every bit of it, make their plans of who to talk to and when. Gepard watches the sparks reflect off Pela's glasses as they burn the evidence together.
Pela finally leaves, far too late to make it home, but says she wants to stay in the restricted zone anyway to investigate. Gepard watches her make her way in the direction of Dunn's tent, watches her back until she's out of his sight and squashes down the urge to follow and keep an eye on her. His tent feels empty.
In the morning, Gepard is up before the wake up bells. He drags himself out of bed, leads his soldiers through their morning training. The same people gravitate to each other everyday. Friend groups and training partners. There's an ongoing rivalry between a few squadrons that everyone bets on. Some of them have lockets around their necks, keepsakes, mementos. Some of them wear wedding rings.
Gepard is suddenly, painfully aware of something acidic clawing at the inside of his throat, of a heavy weight low in his chest that blooms, takes up room until it threatens to spread his ribs. His mouth tastes of bile and blood.
He rearranges the schedules. Puts himself down for every open patrol into the Fragmentum, makes sure he'll be on the frontlines every single time Cocolia visits.
He only hopes that it's enough.
#honkai star rail#gepard landau#hsr gepard#pelageya sergeyevna#hsr pela#hsr#smacking Gepard out of Hoyo's hands and running off with him skzjmdkd#tentatively Figuring Out how to write these two... It feels a little tricky starting out with extreme circumstances like this haha#I feel like a lot of people see Gepard as naive for trusting Cocolia so much but I don't think that's quite it. He's not stupid.#He's not even naive.#He's someone who has been groomed since birth by his own parents to be an obedient Guard and nothing outside of that role.#You are not immune to propaganda etc etc#But even then there are a lot of things like all the included screenshots where he. Doesn't actually seem to like/trust Cocolia much.#I think Serval was a really good influence on him as a kid. He might have turned out much much worse without her.#and even with how I've written him here. I don't think he's normally slow to act or one to stand aside and make other people lead.#it's just that this specifically was a pretty extreme circumstance for him.#and also he openly states elsewhere that Pela is overbearing and he tries not to interfere with her work whenever possible nskzhdjdjd#Pela too. I don't know that I normally see her as someone with a bad temper or quick to anger.#But again; extreme circumstances haha#Bc like. they both would have seen what happened to Serval when she stood up to Cocolia. they know damn well what's going to happen to them.#if they fuck this up and get caught then they're done.#and I mean. What are they supposed to do? they're two people against the highest authority of the entire nation.#regardless I do love Gepard agonizing over this in the future after Bronya takes over and everything has settled down#did he do the right thing? did he make the right choice? if he went vigilante how many soldiers would have died without his protection?#would Belobog have fallen completely? how many people died because he DIDN'T run away? was it actually enough?#I love characters forced between a rock and a hard place. no good options. pick your poison.#no winning- only weighing what you can and cannot bear to lose.#make your choice and decide whether you want to rot or to burn.
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buttercupart · 7 days ago
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it's clear to see you're nothing special you're a skeleton key
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kenobion · 1 year ago
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Andrew Garfield for W Magazine
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apotelesmaa · 9 months ago
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> looking for a tenma siblings relationship study
> ask the op if the study is actually about the tenmas or just treating saki like an accessory to tsukasa
> they don’t understand
> pull out an illustrated diagram explaining the difference
> they laugh and say “it’s a good relationship study sir”
> click the post
> it’s treating saki like an accessory to tsukasa
#project sekai#listen I love tsukasa as I love all the wxs members but i also love saki and cannot stand u people#don’t even get me started on when people fridge saki for contrived tsukasa angst. I’ll kill you.#i could also go on a rant abt how saki is so disrespected in general by pjsk fans#& as sm1 with a (less severe) chronic illness I do not appreciate how her illness is only explored in relation to how tsukasa feels abt it#but I think I would get too frustrated#gripping ur shoulders. read the doll story again.#also if ur talking abt tsukasa’s character & don’t mention saki u have automatically failed#before any of his relationships saki is the most important like it’s not subtext it’s literally just text#did we forget the dazzling event where he finally has a breakthrough in his role bc he talked to saki.#or the main story where he’s like yea saki is literally the reason I pursued acting#or the doll event where he’s despondent bc he thinks saki is mad at him & then when honami comes to his school#his first reaction is to sprint over like WHAT HAPPENED 2 SAKI IS SHE OK (sprints home)#or saki canonically being his no.1 fan. smh. u cannot separate them. and why would u want to. they’re so funny.#+ saki saying he made her hospitalizations more bearable. picking up on his mannerisms. crying during the doll festival bc they had a fight.#the dolls being her favorite things bc of how it symbolized their bond.#the complex tenma sibling mental illness web in general makes me crazy.#saki is like I love u but I wish u wouldn’t worry abt me so much and rely on me more & then tries to hide issues to make him not worry#tsukasa is like I’m always worried abt u and I don’t want to burden u because I feel like I need to always be a rock for u#ough. love them.
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phasewashere · 6 months ago
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i need to write vdm
#phase weeps#i need to write them beating the shit out of eachother and then fucking#young vdm were absolutely insane and i stand by that#yes they have their tender moments but i feel. atleast in how i perceive them that they never ever had they true acceptance of feelings#they were never lovers or husbands but they were partners and i think that they were in love in the way that people like them could be in#love. but i think theres a lot more potential to tem then the cut and clean “they are husbands” narrative#i want vdm to be as ugly and rife as every other relationship in game#and i especially want to put emphasis on their inability to let go of the past and living in this “free and wild” world#and i think this dream of dutchs deeply affects how he views relationships#as just another gust of wind. just another sunset#just another desert flower#his romaticazition of being on the run. painting the blood on his hands as holy#the rough and tumblr hospitality of the american dream#is so deeply packed into who he is as a person that he cannot see beyond his own viewpoint#and dutch is a self centered man#his viewpoint is his world. because dutch is the sun. and everything revolves around him. and everything that gets drawn in burns up#eventually#and i think hoseas trick is that you never get that close#there is a longing to vandermatthews that speaks of a chasm between them. on the cusp of deep understanding yet skirting around it#they are life partners#and they hold each others hands through the darkest parts of their self made hell#but their is nothing romantic or holy about it#they are a visage of the american man and twisted american kindness. and they are people soldered parts of themselves together but the deep#parts are left to be seen and not touched. i just. theirs so much potential for tragedy in vandermatthews i dont think we're touching
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fiendishartist2 · 1 year ago
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jon becomes an english teacher in their somewhere else and is completely baffled by how much highschoolers hate english class
transcript:
(left): "mr. sims, can we pls watch you play chess.com?" (macbeth essays submitted: 5/27) [i'm too old for this shit"]
(right): "and they're like obsessed with chess? but only on the computer" "at least they're engaged?"
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moosha-mushroom · 1 month ago
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poor guy got his lipstick smudged. Pose and outfit taken from Katy Perry’s album.
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lloydfrontera · 1 year ago
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if i think too long about the ending making lloyd leave the home he worked so hard to save behind along with the new found family he sacrificed his life for so he can move to a place he has no emotional connection to where he only knows two people (one of which is actually following him from the aforementioned home) in order to make him get a standard "have a wife and children" 'happy' ending i start wanting to bite people not gonna lie
#i talk a lot <3#the greatest estate developer#lloyd frontera#it is. such a sucky ending i hate it i'm sorry i cannot stand it#i love charlotte with all my heart and i truly do like alicia#but jesus fuck that ending#the one thing lloyd wants is to have an easy relaxed life surrounded by the people he loves#and then the ending has him become the royal consort to someone we know likes to use people to their best potential#and living permanently away from his parents and all the people he came to care about#except for javier and alicia. and javier is only there because of lloyd anyway.#i just. i hate heteronormative endings so much man.#he didn't need to marry! he could've found his happy ending without having to be romantically involved with anyone!!#there's this whole thing about lloyd thinking to himself that his happy ending will be settling down with a wife and have kids#and then there is this one moment. where he talks about what he really wants. his one true wish.#and he talks about how he just wants a family. a normal family. a family that welcomes him after a day's work. a family that lives a normal#life without worrying about nothing much. he doesn't want big territories or power or an army. he just wants to have a family that loves hi#and enough to keep them safe.#AND FUCKING GUESS WHAT HE GAINS THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE NOVEL#GUESS WHAT THE EMOTIONAL CORE OF THE ENTIRE THING WAS#A FAMILY. PARENTS AND A BROTHER AND A BEST FRIEND THAT CARE FOR HIM AND WANT HIM TO BE HAPPY AND HIM DOING EVERYTHING IN HIS POWER TO KEEP#THEM SAFE. AND HE DOES. EVERYTHING HE DOES WAS TOO KEEP THEM SAFE AND SOUND AND HE GETS HIS WISH.#DO YOU GET IT. DO YOU GET WHAT I MEAN!!#HE DIDN'T NEED TO MARRY BECAUSE HE ALREADY HAD HIS WISH. HE ALREADY HAD HIS HAPPY ENDING. I'M SO MAD KASHDKA#tged
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galehautstomb · 1 year ago
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i need y’all to write as much icemav as possible because i simply know nothing about the military and that is the one part of history i have no interest in researching
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ratatatastic · 3 months ago
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thinking a lot about ekky organising a fishing trip (the sturgeon tagging trip if you will) for some of the boys back in like february-ish* and with the knowledge that ekky has taken forsy out deepsea fishing this season do you know what its like going oh so he took him lakefishing in BC...oh okay
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and also we got this shot of ekky manning a rod while forsy stands behind him like thats not- okay
#the sturgeon tagging trip haunts me in ways you dont understand#like oh so its ekky forsy and benny on one boat while mikksy monty and bobby are on the other?#like oh youve orchestrated this so youd be on boat stranded with the gems youre madly in love with#smooth ekky real smooth#taking your husband on a lake fishing trip to appease him and smooth over your deepsea superiority campaign...yeah#LIKE I THINK A LOT ABOUT BENNY EKKY AND FORSY ON THE SAME BOAT????#the m²bobby boat is just mikksy peacefully fishing while monty is fighting for his life trying to reel up a sturgeon#and bobby just stands there looking pretty#meanwhile ekky is trying his damndest to not act like a 12 year old boy while being stranded on a boat with 2 hot bitches he cannot handle#i also very much think about how the playersonly cast was teasing forsy if ekky asks him to reel up fish for him since hes so strong#and he was like no he doesnt he has an electric rigger :(#so you can imagine how happy forsy is at the prospect to being put to work during the sturgeon trip (reeling in big fish for ekky)#i could write so much prose of the homoeroticism of leaning over a mans shoulder#to pin him between your body and the rod. grunting in his ear all the while as you help him reel in a big one.#theres a lot here and im not nearly enough of a scholar to put it all to words#yeah i think forsblad flirt through fishing. dont you?#*also february-ish because the timeline here is murky because it the earliest this was posted about was feb 17#and on that day they were playing against the bolts on the road. and before that they were playing against the pens and sabres.#and theres like that stretch at home before that. and byeweek. and yeah. februaryish i suppose
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angelstrawbabie420 · 2 months ago
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grief will have you saying shit like goddamn and fuck maybe the abuse was worth it
#ive made this post before i just cant find it and it’s all im feeling rn#god i miss my parents so fucking much even though they were the cause of SO MANY of my problems that idk if i’ll ever heal from#but navigating life w this grief and without their support- however little it was- feels like hell#but the abuse felt like hell too.#ive said it before but i was JUST getting to a place where i felt i could stand up for myself and knock down thwir shit a few pegs. or at#least become more resistant to it#i saw a future with them in it for the first time in my LIFE#and it was bc i’d done SO MUCH FUCKING WORK. and now i feel like it was all so fucking useless#it’d be easier if i was still in the phase of anger i was at like 19#but i’d processed that quite a bit and was trying to move on#FUCK. i had made SO much goddamn progress right before my mom got sick#then everything went down the toilet cus i cannot fucking have anything#it’s so unfair. i wish i could at least redo the last 3 years of my life#i would’ve done things so much different but i was so traumatized and still so angry and bitter and trying to preserve myself#ive come to the realization tjat the person i am today did not exist back then and therefore i shouldnt beat myself up bc it literally wasnt#available to me. i couldnt have done anythimg different bc i was in such a state of survival#and truthfully ive grown a lot since then even if im still in the trenches#the timeline of my entire life has been so fucking unfair#and i dont know how to reconcile any of it i dont know how to cope with my worst fears coming true#and i mean worst fears. even the way they passed. spot on to my worst fears#i despised what they did to me but i still didnt see life without them until i was at least 30#it was all so sudden and quick and shocking#yeah they were horrible parents but i was a horrible kid too. maybe i straight up just deserved that shit#and i’d go back to that and seeing a future with them in an instant#over this bullshit#it’s so hard. and then losing all my pets too at the SAME TIME. all my babies#everything that i loved ripped away from me in the span of MONTHS#it’s all too much. l oh fucking l. no wonder im 3 shots deep at fucking 3 pm#it just hurts so bad. so fucking bad.
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