#i cancelled plans last weekend
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Me: I'm absolutely fine, I don't need to go back on my antidepressants.
Also me: has been wearing the same shirt for three days and hasn't showered in just as long.
#the laundry is clean but it is piling up#because i am absolutely incapable of folding it#i cancelled plans last weekend#my sleep cycle is even more fucked than usual#it's not looking good#mental health#depression#i am going to shower tomorrow morning tho#and no i do not want to hear anybody's thoughts on my hygiene#do you think this is something I'm proud of#do you think this is how i want to be
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feelin kinda sad so eating an obscene amount of pasta
#YukiPri rambles#it's nothing serious#just have had a stream of unfortunate disappointments#nothing major and each time i'm like well ok that could have been worse and i'm glad it wasn't#but the cumulative result is just me kinda feeling droopy inside despite trying to continue lookin chipper outside#'wilted' i think is best descriptor for me rn#trying to tell myself that retail therapy isn't the answer here#In case folks are curious#the disappointments are:#1) dad was in a car accident and no one was hurt but gave me a huge scare#2) was given a day off at work in exchange for working a weekend and was looking forward to both#but they asked me last minute nevermind come in instead and i had to cancel all the plans i'd made and couldn't reschedule#3) movie i wanted to see on said day off is no longer playing in local theaters so it's either convince mum to drive an hour or give up#4) had an afternoon tea planned with mum and her friends and was looking forward to it for a month and only eating out this month#had reservations and outfit picked out and everything#but then a few days before landlord scheduled repairs for that day and wouldn't listen when we said we had plans#so i stayed home so mum could go and i'm glad she could go but sad#5) went to work this morning and there'd been a flood in the office from a customer leaving the bathroom sink running#and the torrent of water came down on my desk specifically ruining all of my books/personal stuff#i got reimbursed but it's just really sad bc some of those things were free/gifts that i can't get back and i hate throwing out books#especially ones i never got to read but they were completely drenched through and unsalvageable...#6) had an outing planned this weekend i was really looking forward to but we probably can't go bc weather is bad#i think there were a few others but that's most of the big ones#i am wilted and just want to curl up and not move
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#scolipede#pokemon#halloween palette pokemon#pokemon halloween#halloween#another favorite of mine#bug type#poison type#I didn't really think about anatomy while working on this one just shapes#bleh I've been sick the last few days and had to cancel my weekend Halloween plans#kind of a bummer but I think I'll be able to convince my friends to do a late Halloween get together#Gen V
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Bweh 😔
#frew up 5 times in a row last night & say around all day feverish and barely eating & had to cancel all my weekend plans#& now i dont get to see i saw the tv glow til next week
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🌷
#i’ve been wanting to do a little scene of sorts#but haven’t mustered the wherewithal insofar#however. i have plans to do Nothing tomorrow#and hopefully also not stay in bed either 😭#i canceled the birthday dinner i was gonna do#for myself. because. well. i have no Joy atm#but i���m doing a tiny 2 person version on sunday#anyway have been thinking#it’s so cruel she had to go and die this month#i’m a november baby#& thanksgiving is my favorite holiday#but now it’s like. totally recast by grief :/#she loved thanksgiving too so like#i hope it gets easier.#this year it’s just.#thinking about holding her hand#while she breathed her last breaths#and how i can’t even do the memorializing i want#bc i’m tired and also estranged from 1/3 of the family#today very suddenly became really really hard#but at least crying properly is cathartic#and so is finally booting up my game to Play :^)#i WILL do this mini project this weekend 😤#manifesting … demanding … 🕯️✨
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I like to think I'm a good writer, and I also like to think I could be someone another person travels four hours to come visit. I have been humbled in both ways in less than 12 hours.
#i am neither a good writer nor a good person and if u believe otherwise you have been lied to#am not even going to bring ART into this bc we all know that sucks too#idk i thibk im mostly bummed out over this weekends plans being cancelled and moved to next weekend#we have friends coming down (clearly though. i now know theyre not really mine. theyre my friends friends)#but the friend their staying with got sulick#so its all been pushed back a week#so theyre coming down NEXT weekend when I was going to their town to visit them#but now none of them will be there bc they’ll all be HERE#i mean ig it means going to the movies is back on the table now#but yeah i am bummed out about all these people not being where i hoped they would be#thats the last time i try and make friends and try to hang out with them#i ahouldve taken the hint from high school#i was born to be a loner loser with no firends who no one wants to sit next to in class#that is my role in life and i need to stop aspiring for more
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my flatmate asking me the day before "do u want to hang out w me and [old friend] everyone else cancelled so I can invite u now" is not the heartfelt offer she thinks it is :^/
#what am i sloppy seconds. fuck off man#i like them both but im not in the place to socialise rn + also it just feels kinda mean. theyve had these plans for weeks#and i wasnt invited bc some of their other friends (who ive never met) didnt want me there which is fair enough ig#even tho their friends complained abt someone else bringing her bf but they both blocked the veto for that. pretty sure ik them-#better than some guy but whatever. i dont rly like their friends anyway bc they only ever have bad things to say abt them#like damn they sound like they have the emotional range of toddlers plus theyre all into shit like genshin. so i wasnt fazed abt it#hope they have a nice time etc but wow sure now theyve cancelled the day before u can invite me as a replacement. yeah thatll do wonders#for the social and self esteem issues i have around being single use and disposable and always on the outside etc yippee#the thing is if i go theyll just talk to each other anyway and leave me to be the fly on the wall like they always do. they dont want#me there they just want an audience i literally have nothing else to contribute i dont think they even like me that much so!#anyway complaint over. genuinely i hope they have a nice time im just annoyed at being treated like that + probably projecting a bit too#its not like i could go if i wanted to anyway bc i have shit to sort out + mail to wait for. maybe next time invite me from the start huh#we had another old friend visit last weekend but those plans were really made without me too and i was just added bc i Live Here so its#kind of unavoidable. but oh well whatever it was nice to see them either way#im too depressed rn to fix my social life or even rely on existing coping strategies in social situations so im having to temporarily#cut it back bc i get too trigger sensitive + dont want to hurt myself or others bc of an arbitrary emotional overreaction#its usually one of the first things to go when im Going Thru It not in a self isolating way but more bc its one of the hardest things#for me to maintain + im pretty self sufficient so its not absolutely crucial. like of course i love my friends but socialising is a#want not a need yknow. eating/sleeping/exercising/hygiene are all more fundamental parts of the engine so i gotta prioritise them#and it sucks but ill survive. anyway sorry for venting on everyones dash so early in the morning i woke up grumpy 👎#i need to get breakfast and then go out. ughhhhhhh okay.#.vent
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Honestly nothing is ever going to top the absolute Weirdness of putting in my 2 weeks notice, working thru one week of it, then my dad ending up in the hospital and me desperate to get my shift covered to go to him... and it was also a fucking *snow storm*, which meant an hour's drive took like. Something like 3 or 4 hours just to not fucking Crash. And then one evening at the hospital, then me staying up late chatting with a friend, so that when I got a frantic call from my dad's girlfriend at like 2 or 3 am I only got a half hour of sleep. Cue everyone in the house rushing to the hospital in the early am hours, but not TOO rushing, because it had, of course, SNOW STORMED, so the roads were still in Bad Shape.
Made it safely! Then watched my dad die. What a time.
#speculation nation#death ment/#like it was. obviously not a fun time in ANY regard. but it certainly was memorable.#the fact that i was halfway thru my 2 weeks notice for a job id worked a total of 8 years and had been considering quitting for Months...#the fact that *this day specifically* was a day with a huge snowstorm.#the fact that i got woken up with only a half hour of sleep.#but i wasnt sleepy. the addrenaline from when i realized it was my dad's girlfriend calling in the middle of the night. it was fucking wild.#ever feel like your heart is *pounding* but absolutely heavy with dread?#fingers trembling breaths coming too fast as you realize what this means. you realize it means your dad's about to die.#ive never gotten dressed so quick in my entire fucking life. didnt even brush my hair or put on a bra. it didnt matter.#the fact that this was only days after valentines day... i canceled my plans for it. me & my then-gf were gonna hang out that weekend.#the last normal day that my dad lived was on valentines day. then that night (in the early am hours) he drove himself to the hospital.#i heard about it later that day. on the 15th. we didnt think it was that serious.#early on the 16th is when it Was that serious. and thats when the fiasco with the snowstorm happened.#and then he died in the early am hours of the 17th. it took everyone by surprise. he didnt even know he was going to die.#i didnt even get to say goodbye. he was already unconscious by the time i got there.#i feel like something as big as the death of your father is going to remain in your head forever#but the fact that there were all these parts to it... the snowstorm... the job... valentines day... it's kind of crazy.#i was left reeling. my life suddenly so dramatically different. and with a newfound hatred for valentines day in my heart.#there are a lot of things i wish was different about it all. but it is what it is. and at the very least. it was memorable.#regular reminder and all to hold ur loved ones close as much as you can. because anyone can die at any time.#a central pillar to your life may die with barely a day's warning. many such cases.
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having the worst fucking week of my LIFE i can't do this anymore.
#4 days straight government events at my internship. thesis got fucking overhauled by our adviser.#because he's using us to compete with his colleagues at the office.#had to juggle those two (+ my event. ill get to that later) that i got SICK what the fuck.#had the event ive been planning for about two months earlier. the fucking uni's general services office were assholes and caused us major#delays#which led to us getting fucking RAINED on so we had to CANCEL it HALFWAY and all of my kids#work on the stage and venue design got soaked in the rain#on top of all of these.#when i got back home after half a day of thesis. half a day of org work. my mom tells me#that rini and woong got taken by their mom and she can't find them anywhere#their bitch of a mother that leaves them starving all day to fucking sunbathe!!!!#i was bawling for a good thirty minutes last night UGH im pretty sure she just took them to the back of the house somewhere.#my mom's gonna ask help from the neighborhood kids to look for them huhuhuhuhu.#id be fine with it if the mom takes care of them. i seriously never tried to bother them too much until this weekend because i thought the#mom has been taking care of them but she hasn't so i had to feed them myself and sHE TOOK THEM AWAY 😭😭😭😭.#god i'm having the worst time.#and now i have to clean the aftermath of this ti#week's hell before i can finally fucking relax in my room.#i hate it here.#at least i'm hot.#event costume was an emo tiefling with a nearly six foot tall axe.#wore it while commuting to uni!!! loved the stares that i got it was very validating!!!!!!!!!!#gonna add that since this week has been pure shit#the only things that i had looking forward to at the end of every day was seeing my cats and feeding them and id feel instantaneously better#but now they're not around!!!!!! so i'm extra fucking sad!!!! god i feel like sobbing again!!!!!#there were only two things that i asked from the lord today.#that it wouldn't rain. and that i'd get my cats back.#neither of those fucking happened!!!!!!!!!! my event was thrown to hell and i still miss my fucking cats!!!!!!!!!!!!
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hate making plans because im an indecisive bastard but i can't cancel this one because one of my friends might actually hate me for doing that again lmao....
#random#me#the schedules between the three (four? the last one was a sudden tag-along who might now be able to make it anyway) does not line#up in any way shape or form because shit keeps coming up#the dude got pissed off when i canceled it last weekend because something came up and he left the gc like three times#made an angry rant in the gc about how i don't value our friendship and im really sorry ive never planned things to go that way...#you two are my closest friends like.................... i don't want shit to be nasty between us#but yeah i am kinda shitty with planning.. guess im never making that mistake again and just leave things up to you lads
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In the class straight banging it. And by it I mean. My head against the wall
#I had back to back to back meetings this weekend and didn't do the fucking reading#technically I have until thursday to complete it so not too bad. I was planning to do it like. last week but I got busy so I'm just#mad at myself#and in my other class I was only able to do half the reading#sitting there not talking when I am normally annoying and loud. hoping I don't get called on#and I'm so fucking tired. like physically heavy. I think I'm having a graves flareup#but I finished my project. and did all my meetings. and I'm gonna catch up on reading tonight I even cancelled plans abt it#so we got it. we fucking got it. I am a god an academic weapon I can do this I can DO this#just gotta get through this week and then we will be so back. we will be so normal again#and hey I have the night off tomorrow. no work or anything just vibes!#anyway this has been Jay Rants please tune in next week for my musings on the fucking group project I'm gonna have to do#johnsense
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we all know about girls who cry on their birthday and girls who cry when their plans get cancelled. but let's talk about girls who cry when their birthday plans get cancelled (me)
#i had plans for the whole weekend and had to cancel ALL OF THEM#i was really looking forward for my birthday for the first time in forever and i'm trying not to be upset about it but godfuckingdamnit#considering i was battling fucking cancer last year and wanted to kill my self the year prior and have had depressed my whole life#i really wanted (and needed) have fun this year#but shit went down the drain and i'm currently sipping tea and reading fanfiction and going to be early after fucking bawling my eyes out#fuck me ig
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And the cycle begins anew . As it does every week
#vent continued in tags sorry gang#every fucking monday ma ends up pissed and yelling about SOMETHING#sorry that im taking the meds that actually help and im not miserable and in pain all the time and throwing up all the time and i didn't#hear the baby making a mess at four in the morning . shocker that the meds that knock me out would prevent me from waking up to hear that#and its not like i can even be upset that she's mad . i was mad . i am mad . i did my best to clean it up#and its not like he only got into her shit. he got into my shit too. he ruined and wasted my stuff too.#when he was able to get into my room and destroy things all the time it was always “dont act like that#he doesn't understand . you cant be mad at him#why would you leave it out if you didn't want it destroyed“ as if i had any other fucking option#maybe if i didn't have fuckin . 8 sheets of drywall (?)#two metal floor vents and a fucking DOOR just sitting in my room i'd have space fo put my stuff and i wouldn't bitch about it#he doesn't get into my room anymore because i have a lock that i have to carry the key for around 24/7#but i do myfucking best to keep him from getting into shit but i CANT DO THAT ALL THE TIME#ESPECIALLY NOT AT FOUR IN THE MORNING WHEN HE IS ACTIVELY BEING SNEAKY AND IM SO KNOCKED OUT I COULD WOULD AND HAVE SLEPT THROUGH TORNADO#SIRENS . SHOCKER THAT HES ABLE TO DESTROY SHIT WHEN IM IN SUCH A STATE . WHO COULD'VE PREDICTED THIS .#im trapped here i can never fucking leave jesus christ#i can never leave. what the hell am i gonna do#i cant do this for the rest of my life . i want to move away so bad but i cant even do that#im too disabled to work like i need to to support myself i cant move to another state but its the only way i'd be able to escape this#unless i move to fuckin . chicago or some shit#god i hate it here i hate myself for not being able to handle it and being upset and being dramatic about it all#and i hate myself for being so tired of it because i dont have any excuse and i hate myself for being so upset that im not able to have#a social life and being jealous of my younger coworkers that talk about hanging out with their friends or like . goin to the fucking park#on a weekday and not being constantly messaged about how bad their baby brother is and how they need to come home asap and#how they aren't wrecked by the guilt of being out even on the weekends and i hate that im so jealous of them#and i hate how embarrassing it is that im the only one of my coworkers who doesn't get asked what they're doing on weekdays anymore because#everybody knows exactly what im doing. im staying at home watching the baby#and i hate how humiliated i am every time one of my friends cancels plans last minute and i hate that i lie to my ma about why plans change#god that got long and obnoxious . sorry gang (me rereading my tags later)#puppmeo misery
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leaving for an interview for a job i don't even want in 3 mins and i am sick w/ anxiety
#frankie yells#and for what#i'm not even going to be able to take this job regardless of how the interview goes bc they were too slow and i've got another job lined up#like maybe i should've cancelled?? but it's too late now and i never considered that as a serious option..#cons of not figuring out/knowing what you want to do :( i hate having no plan... alas#it is the year of having no plan for me... the year of figuring out what im going to do next instead of uni...#ideally: start working on the family ranch. realistically: ummmm idfk we'll see.#also. the cons of your traumatized father not maintaining a close relationship w/ his dad's extended family..#and the cons of your great uncle who inherited the ranch being a bitter unfriendly old man#alas.#anyway this job is so low on the career priority list (made last weekend) idk why i didn't cancel.. ugh.
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i hate that my community is so small. i hate that social anxiety prevents me from meeting the people i want and expanding my community and instead puts me in the hospital. i hate that i cant get any kind of medication without losing my visa. i hate going to the straight clubs because the only other lgbtq+ night life is just very small gay clubs where i feel like i and my group are taking space that we shouldn't. i hate that i am always somewhat uncomfortable around the people with whom i am the most comfortable. i hate that even the one person i can relate to about this stuff is able to mask better than me. it's like i am set up to fail socially
#mine#personal#rant#i went to the club last weekend and was uncomfortable the entire time#partially bc it was very VERY straight vibes which is not a bad thing but its not my element#and partially bc the club = high chance for social anxiety episode#we made plans to go to the gay club throughout the night but cancelled it bc the majority of our group is straight and feels uncomfortable#but im not gonna go to any club alone#so i just go where they go#the most fun i had was smoking in the smoking room for 2 mins talking to some rando in korean and barely understanding half of what he said#its such a fickle situation too bc i cant go with too many people and also not too few#but i dont even know where the limits are#2 people is too few but 3 can sometimes be too few too#and 4 is too many#like wtf!!!!!!!!!!#and then theres the issue of even if i were to go to the gay club instead i would be taking up space wrongfully bc--#--theyre so small and im just gonna stand around or sit on a stool or whatever barely doing anything n realistically that doesnt fit into--#--their business model so they might ask me to leave#and theres always the issue of gay men questioning every woman in the gay club and why we are there#as if there are any lesbian clubs or bars in 95% of this country#not a single lesbian or wlw establishment in the city much less any city outside of the capital#that might be an exaggeration but there are literally none in my LARGE city#there is a total of one singular trans bar in the whole city and its brand new but hasnt even opened yet#so where am i supposed to go#but thats still ignoring the other problem which is social anxiety#how many more hospital trips am i gonna have#asexual#aromantic#wlw#sapphic
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Hey rain, can you stop causing biblical floods on weekends when I got things to do?
#first it interrupts the nyc yarn crawl last weekend#making me get over day behind on my original plan to visit all the stores#and now the kings county fiber fest has been cancelled since Saturday is expecting similar amounts of rain#and the location is only a few blocks from one of the worst flood areas#so I get the precaution but whyyyyyyy#i was looking forward to it#bam dance Africa keeps me sane in the spring. kings county fiber fest keeps me sane in the fall.
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