#i cancelled plans last weekend
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Me: I'm absolutely fine, I don't need to go back on my antidepressants.
Also me: has been wearing the same shirt for three days and hasn't showered in just as long.
#the laundry is clean but it is piling up#because i am absolutely incapable of folding it#i cancelled plans last weekend#my sleep cycle is even more fucked than usual#it's not looking good#mental health#depression#i am going to shower tomorrow morning tho#and no i do not want to hear anybody's thoughts on my hygiene#do you think this is something I'm proud of#do you think this is how i want to be
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Bweh 😔
#frew up 5 times in a row last night & say around all day feverish and barely eating & had to cancel all my weekend plans#& now i dont get to see i saw the tv glow til next week
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i am soooooo restless and understimulated and pacing around my enclosure like. i need to be in a contact sport or a fistfight or a moshpit or Something but its also 100º out still (and humid now bc moonsoons) and a sunday so theres no Events or things open and everyone i know is traveling or busy and hhhhhhhhhhhhhh
#this is my first weekend of No Obligations bc no more aquarium job#and also first time in a year and a half im not in a Sport bc the aerials studio closed#and im NOT COPING WELL#i made plans for yday and today but they got cancelled last min and i dont like this#im Rotting indoors but too Energized to do anything useful in here either#ramblings#wharglbargle
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UGH.
#went on my first real work trip in FOUR YEARS yesterday. had one meeting.#woke up this morning and was getting ready for a day of stuff with another one tomorrow#only to find out that one of the only five other people in the wednesday meeting just tested positive for covid#and another had found out she'd been separately exposed as well#so today turned into doing all my meetings on zoom and rearranging travel plans#and now instead of a professional thing i'd been really looking forward to and then a fun weekend add-on with the fam#i'm flying home late tonight to isolate in our third-floor guest room while boyfriend parents etc.#at least we got credit for his and bébé's last-minute flight cancellations#and we decided to leave the dog with the sitter that had already been arranged to just have one less thing on the collective plate for now#but UGH#and what's extra infuriating is that i am probably fine. i got boosted just a few weeks ago and wasn't like hugging anyone or whatever.#but you just don't know and when there's an actual case it's reason to be actually careful#and i'm just so exhausted and bummed about a lot of things already and had so been looking forward to this whole trip#best laid plans#as they say#anyway cross your fingers for me and the battery of rapid tests i'll be taking this weekend#and in addition to staying negative i'm also very concerned about whether anyone will be comfortable will me at thanksgiving#so that's a whole other thing#UGHHHHHHH#fucking#coronavirus
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If you had a routinely scheduled event with a group of people that was difficult to schedule because of conflciting time tables would you consistently complain about wanting to hold the event at a different time that better suits you but puts everyone else in the group out of their way?
(The event being at the current time it is is not a detriment to you at all and it is merely a matter of preference)
#one of my friends from dnd does this every week#we can’t play during the week because we all have work and/or school#but every week without fail this fucking guy suggestion playing mid week at night#which I can’t do because I have school in the mornings#but I can make exceptions for on Fridays since I don’t have school Saturday (when we regularly play)#and no matter how many times we bring up the fact that doesn’t work for the majority of the group#he will say that he wants weekends free to spend with his girlfriend which is fair but also#we can’t reschedule work or school same way he can time with his girlfriend#and TODAY#despite this being planned weeks in advance because that’s how we have to schedule shit#he cancels last minute after asking everyone to reschedule from playing tomorrow to playing tonight with like 4 hours notice#and when people CAN’T magically reschedule the day of he cancels entirely#which would be fine if he wasn’t the fucking DM this week#I understand having to post pone sometimes but this was a ridiculous saga
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I like to think I'm a good writer, and I also like to think I could be someone another person travels four hours to come visit. I have been humbled in both ways in less than 12 hours.
#i am neither a good writer nor a good person and if u believe otherwise you have been lied to#am not even going to bring ART into this bc we all know that sucks too#idk i thibk im mostly bummed out over this weekends plans being cancelled and moved to next weekend#we have friends coming down (clearly though. i now know theyre not really mine. theyre my friends friends)#but the friend their staying with got sulick#so its all been pushed back a week#so theyre coming down NEXT weekend when I was going to their town to visit them#but now none of them will be there bc they’ll all be HERE#i mean ig it means going to the movies is back on the table now#but yeah i am bummed out about all these people not being where i hoped they would be#thats the last time i try and make friends and try to hang out with them#i ahouldve taken the hint from high school#i was born to be a loner loser with no firends who no one wants to sit next to in class#that is my role in life and i need to stop aspiring for more
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the eternal question: is scheduling w friends as an adult That Hard or am I just bad at it
#4 different people have left me on read today; 1 cancelled our plans 4 hours before we were due to meet#I've been sitting home alone for 2 days going insane. looking forward to One (1) coffee date & that fell through#idk why I'm taking it so hard this time I'm usually fine!! but I find myself wishing I didn't have the day off I wish I did have work :(#like it's tiring yeah but it beats sitting here not knowing what to do w myself#& I'm working all weekend & only leaving the house to see the doctor. oh joy#I've been productive ironing writing fixing the car. that's not the problem#I had 4 social plans this month. that's it#that's like seeing each friend once a month!! I can't keep this up!!#is this the norm for adulthood? :(#& on one level I don't want to bother people or be clingy#but on another level I'm baffled that they don't get lonely too#the news has not shut up abt the Loneliness Epidemic since 2021#but if it's true why do so many people take so long to reply when I reach out? if they reply at all#I'm not going anywhere w this. idk#just one of those days#everything so fuck everybody suck :(#boomers got it right w the whole showing up unannounced at people's houses for a social call with a pound cake#now I have to go through 5 layers of bureaucratic bullshit to see a friend#assuming they don't cancel the day of ofc (((((:#I just wanna be like hello knock knock I am here. tell me abt yr life today & listen to mine & eat this cake#& the worst is when people are like 'I'm cancelling bc I'm tired xx'#OK A) u knew we had these plans for two weeks#but B) I'm tired too! I still love u ur still my friend! let us be tired together!#'I won't be social today I'm tired' my love we could watch movies in silence we could knit we could ball yr socks. idc#'I have to do the big shop today sorry' so do I!!! let us do the groceries together!!!#every time I've pushed someone to come out when they felt depressed or to let me accompany them when they were doing chores#they were like u know what I'm so glad u did this. thank u. this is way better than how I had planned this night to go#& I'm like any time!! I love u!!#& then it just happens all over again next time oh sorry I'm cancelling I'm busy I'm tired#like did u forget what a nice time we had last time? what changed? :(
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my flatmate asking me the day before "do u want to hang out w me and [old friend] everyone else cancelled so I can invite u now" is not the heartfelt offer she thinks it is :^/
#what am i sloppy seconds. fuck off man#i like them both but im not in the place to socialise rn + also it just feels kinda mean. theyve had these plans for weeks#and i wasnt invited bc some of their other friends (who ive never met) didnt want me there which is fair enough ig#even tho their friends complained abt someone else bringing her bf but they both blocked the veto for that. pretty sure ik them-#better than some guy but whatever. i dont rly like their friends anyway bc they only ever have bad things to say abt them#like damn they sound like they have the emotional range of toddlers plus theyre all into shit like genshin. so i wasnt fazed abt it#hope they have a nice time etc but wow sure now theyve cancelled the day before u can invite me as a replacement. yeah thatll do wonders#for the social and self esteem issues i have around being single use and disposable and always on the outside etc yippee#the thing is if i go theyll just talk to each other anyway and leave me to be the fly on the wall like they always do. they dont want#me there they just want an audience i literally have nothing else to contribute i dont think they even like me that much so!#anyway complaint over. genuinely i hope they have a nice time im just annoyed at being treated like that + probably projecting a bit too#its not like i could go if i wanted to anyway bc i have shit to sort out + mail to wait for. maybe next time invite me from the start huh#we had another old friend visit last weekend but those plans were really made without me too and i was just added bc i Live Here so its#kind of unavoidable. but oh well whatever it was nice to see them either way#im too depressed rn to fix my social life or even rely on existing coping strategies in social situations so im having to temporarily#cut it back bc i get too trigger sensitive + dont want to hurt myself or others bc of an arbitrary emotional overreaction#its usually one of the first things to go when im Going Thru It not in a self isolating way but more bc its one of the hardest things#for me to maintain + im pretty self sufficient so its not absolutely crucial. like of course i love my friends but socialising is a#want not a need yknow. eating/sleeping/exercising/hygiene are all more fundamental parts of the engine so i gotta prioritise them#and it sucks but ill survive. anyway sorry for venting on everyones dash so early in the morning i woke up grumpy 👎#i need to get breakfast and then go out. ughhhhhhh okay.#.vent
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aoueoaue i forgot about this weekend convention!! wahoo
#will go as scout tf2 again this year yipeeee#because it's the only practical cosplay i have without too much layers yaye i do not plan to faint this weekend 👍#it's not as warm as the last year tho as they've changed the usual dates so yipee for this too#they ONCE AGAIN! claimed to have as a guest a french voice actor i looove (fr sub of andrew g s-m and many others cool characters)#and once again they cancelled him like 2 weeks ago </3 why.#ALSO LAST YEAR I ABSOLUTELY FORGOT TO TAKE ANY PICTURES OF MY COSPLAY </3333 was too overwhelmed#but will try to remember this time ✌️
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Chrissy 6 weeks ago booked therapy in such a way that the numerous plans I have this month do not conflict with the appointments lol.
#completely unintentional but it worked out WELL#numerous plans are: calgary with craig last weekend + cabin with my besties for thanksgiving + my Ontario best coming to visit#and I didn’t have to cancel any therapy! lol#sometimes good things DO happen lol
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#whole family cancelled on Christmas today because of snow#we planned Christmas today to accommodate my brother's in-laws; they'll still get the whole weekend with my brother of course#made a largely vegetarian meal plan for my godmother...who also isn't coming#this is probably the last year I attempt a family Christmas beyond J and our son and G and myself#I understand the Grinch and Kevin McAllister and George Bailey and even Scrooge more every year#fuck putting out a bunch of special effort for people who never appreciate or return it#Bah Humbug but here's a sweet and adorable picture of G by the fire#It's always better when it's just us anyway
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.
#it is sad but it is also incredibly funny#the way my siblings brought their sick kid to the last family#gathering#or had a sick kid at home but still came over#and now this weekend's gathering had to be canceled#because most of them are sick#i've been feeling like shit since monday (we met on sunday) but am better now hope it stays this way#three years into a pandemic and you have learned nothing ?? lol#(i mean they don't have covid but you shouldn't knowingly spread any sickness lol)#didn't plan on actually going this sunday anyway but yikes#more worried about christmas now asdfghj
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no one will ever understand the mfasr mv like me and h do <3
#hi btw🧍#im not back fully probably just lurking till fitf is out#but hellooooooo THAT MV WAS INSANEEEEEEE#THE GENDER OF IT ALL AHHHHHHHHHHHHH#LIKE DID YOUSE ALL SEE THE DRESSING ROOM DOOR SAID WOMENS😭😭😭#AND HES MY ANGEL PRINCESS MERMAID BEAUTIFUL DARLING BEARDED LADY M#MWAH I LOVE HIM SO SO SO FUCKING MUCH AND OH GO#GOD IM SO GLAD I WATCHED THE WHOLE THI9NG WITHOUT LOGGING IN FIRST SO I COULD COMPLETELY EXPEREINCE IT W MY OWN#THOTS AND NOT BEING CONSUMED BY THE FANDOM BRAIN ROT#BUT AHHHHHHHH HARRY IS SO🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️#he told me himself actrually <33#im so like its actually so so sad both this and lnt mv have kinda the same message about fame and being for public consumption#but the GENDERRRRRRR#WITH A HARD R#shes so perfect i need to wrap her up in a blanket and kis her little cheeks i love her so much like😭😭#u dont get it !!! im actually crying i lovve him so much😭😭😭😭😭#elio say you love h one more time i just dont know how else to express how much he means to me as a silly little nonbinary fan i feel so<3#seen i guess <33#idk but i feel so warm and fuzzy and todays been such a good day and this litl break was so needed and now i have a fun weekend ahead and#this has put me in such a good mood for it bc i was so stressed abt uni last weekend i was considering cancelling my halloween plans but#anyway im getting off topic#to 🤍🤍🤍 in my inbox ty beloved sry its taking me so long to answer u ill get to it sometime this weekend promise !!
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i love how my friends will sit here and complain about me being distant but then when i try to talk about the shit im interested in they fucking ignore me. like. girl i have been TRYING. but talking to you is EXHAUSTING.
#i need new friends but making friends is terrible and these are just the people im stuck with and its even worse without them so i have to#just deal with it i guess#truly an exhausting cycle. i wish THEY would talk to ME. but alas#im still fucking salty about them last-minute cancelling an event we've had planned since like?? monday???#im TRYING to do shit with you and talk but you're making it SO hard#they never message me?? they never call?? like girl. please just fucking message me first i know you dont want to hear me talk about shit#that doesnt interest you so please talk to me. im begging#i want to hear from them but i am. so so tired#having the only weekend plans i had cancelled fucking SUCKS dude#i had been looking forward to it all week.#and THEY were the one that was complaining about us never doing VCs anymore#and they didnt even say why. they just said their FRIENDS will tell me if it changes#LIKE GIRL I DONT FUCKING KNOW YOUR FRIENDS. TELL ME YOURSELF PLEASE JUST TALK TO ME I WANT TO TALK JUST FUCKING.#i amgetting so emotional over this im sorry#long day. terrible day. ive been so brave about it too#sorry. long vent#personal vent
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we all know about girls who cry on their birthday and girls who cry when their plans get cancelled. but let's talk about girls who cry when their birthday plans get cancelled (me)
#i had plans for the whole weekend and had to cancel ALL OF THEM#i was really looking forward for my birthday for the first time in forever and i'm trying not to be upset about it but godfuckingdamnit#considering i was battling fucking cancer last year and wanted to kill my self the year prior and have had depressed my whole life#i really wanted (and needed) have fun this year#but shit went down the drain and i'm currently sipping tea and reading fanfiction and going to be early after fucking bawling my eyes out#fuck me ig
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And the cycle begins anew . As it does every week
#vent continued in tags sorry gang#every fucking monday ma ends up pissed and yelling about SOMETHING#sorry that im taking the meds that actually help and im not miserable and in pain all the time and throwing up all the time and i didn't#hear the baby making a mess at four in the morning . shocker that the meds that knock me out would prevent me from waking up to hear that#and its not like i can even be upset that she's mad . i was mad . i am mad . i did my best to clean it up#and its not like he only got into her shit. he got into my shit too. he ruined and wasted my stuff too.#when he was able to get into my room and destroy things all the time it was always “dont act like that#he doesn't understand . you cant be mad at him#why would you leave it out if you didn't want it destroyed“ as if i had any other fucking option#maybe if i didn't have fuckin . 8 sheets of drywall (?)#two metal floor vents and a fucking DOOR just sitting in my room i'd have space fo put my stuff and i wouldn't bitch about it#he doesn't get into my room anymore because i have a lock that i have to carry the key for around 24/7#but i do myfucking best to keep him from getting into shit but i CANT DO THAT ALL THE TIME#ESPECIALLY NOT AT FOUR IN THE MORNING WHEN HE IS ACTIVELY BEING SNEAKY AND IM SO KNOCKED OUT I COULD WOULD AND HAVE SLEPT THROUGH TORNADO#SIRENS . SHOCKER THAT HES ABLE TO DESTROY SHIT WHEN IM IN SUCH A STATE . WHO COULD'VE PREDICTED THIS .#im trapped here i can never fucking leave jesus christ#i can never leave. what the hell am i gonna do#i cant do this for the rest of my life . i want to move away so bad but i cant even do that#im too disabled to work like i need to to support myself i cant move to another state but its the only way i'd be able to escape this#unless i move to fuckin . chicago or some shit#god i hate it here i hate myself for not being able to handle it and being upset and being dramatic about it all#and i hate myself for being so tired of it because i dont have any excuse and i hate myself for being so upset that im not able to have#a social life and being jealous of my younger coworkers that talk about hanging out with their friends or like . goin to the fucking park#on a weekday and not being constantly messaged about how bad their baby brother is and how they need to come home asap and#how they aren't wrecked by the guilt of being out even on the weekends and i hate that im so jealous of them#and i hate how embarrassing it is that im the only one of my coworkers who doesn't get asked what they're doing on weekdays anymore because#everybody knows exactly what im doing. im staying at home watching the baby#and i hate how humiliated i am every time one of my friends cancels plans last minute and i hate that i lie to my ma about why plans change#god that got long and obnoxious . sorry gang (me rereading my tags later)#puppmeo misery
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