#i can't wait to get home already
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fuck I'm so overwhelmed rn I'm at PE class rn and I'm sitting out bc I don't feel well but bc of my trauma I had in the past I have to always look around and worry abt a ball smashing into my face and that makes me very stressed plus theres a bee flying nearby and I have a HUGE fear of insects
#fuck#i hate it#i can't wait to get home already#ts is making my neodivergent brain stressed#🦑experiment failed#vent (?)#its more of a rant tho
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cheers to the future of humanity (and the future of us)
[ID: Digital illustration in color of Vash and Wolfwood from Trigun. The illustration takes place during the ship/home arc, specifically chapter 21. At the center, Vash is grabbing Wolfwood by the collar and pulls him into a kiss in the middle of a celebration. The pair is colored in vibrant warm hues while their surroundings are colored in cooler colors like green and teals. Luida, Brad, Meryl, and Milly are shown amongst the crowd, occupied in the celebrations as Vash and Wolfwood share a moment by themselves at the center. END ID]
#vashwood#trigun#trigun maximum#vash the stampede#nicholas d wolfwood#hospital yuri (explodeds) like any average vw enjoyer i will never get over that arc#specifically the scene where they heard the news of earth ships coming and did that little handshake they somehow conjured or#Had already. and then the entire ship had a party... meryl and milly started drinking immediately from joy and dragged vash and ww to get#wasted too and overall celebrate together. the chapter moves quickly just like how the hope was quickly withered out and died just hours#later when knives destroyed it. BUT IM JUST THINKING ABOUT IN THE MOMENT OF IT ALL bc in the same chapter#ww asks for a chance for tomorrow and then gets news of earth ships coming. in this same arc vash is thinking of all the things he needs to#resolve so his home doesn't get attacked so the people he love doesn't have to die and the humans he wants to protect gets to live.#i feel like deep down they both semi-recognize that it can't be this easy and regardless of earth ships coming- there's still a wait for#them to arrive and they have to hold out. and regardless ww still has a mission to follow through and vash knows knives would find out#but in that mood of celebration the entire ship brought in - they can at least let themselves relax for a moment and indulge#how they basically engaged with no violence for the few days they were on that ship coaxing them into domesticity... i feel like their#thoughts would wander to somewhere soft and all#allowing them to push aside the tiptoeing and tenseness and be sweet for a night#ruporas art
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Everyone shut up, The Cure released their new album today
I'm taking the day off
#well. what's left of it#this is going to be the only thing i talk about for the next week#i've been waiting for this all month#'a fragile thing' and 'alone' have already found a home on my pompep playlist#they're both excellent#can't wait to hear the rest of the album#the cure#robert smith#songs of a lost world#fanfic fuel#GET FIRED UP! GET FIRED UP!#yeah i watched the crow last night i'm in full goth mode now
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2024 Las Vegas GP | x
#max verstappen#autumn posts#sorry if already shared!!!!!#I needed the second one for my favorites tag because AHHHH#favorites ❤️#gosh........#sopping wet 😵💫#his grip on the bottle the champaign leaking onto his thumb pressed down to keep it in 🫠✨💦 okay!!!!#I can't wait to dive into insta more!! I'll be searching when I get back home from irl holiday times#hope everyone is well!!! ❤️🌅✨
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I am at the eye doctor
I dragged my ass out of bed and made it to the dang eye doctor on time
The hardest part of my day is done
#now i just have to have my retinas photographed and do the periphery vision game#already had the air puff eye pressure test. which is the main reason i'm here#i have elevated intraocular pressure and i'm diabetic so i am on Glaucoma Watch#weeeeeee#mod post#i am so tired my dudes#yesterday was a lot and then i had trouble getting to sleep on time. and then i kept waking up#can't wait to go home and rewatch the new dungeon meshi with hubby#and just chill... and probably nap
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#Can't wait to get home from work so I can draw more of this boy already#hogwarts legacy#sebastian sallow
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I would love, even if its just its just brief summaries, to know the different thoughts going through bills head throughout the last smut. (mainly when he got the text and when dipper starts just blurting out thoughts and ideas bc i think those moments would be fun to see)
Imagine you're having the shittiest day at work. You're gritting your teeth and hanging onto it by your fingernails, knowing that eventually dealing with this absolutely idiotic, waffling, overstuffed, condescending dipshit of a client will be done with, you'll charge him out the nose for your services - which will probably be, like a hundred dollars, the way this is going! What bullshit. At least afterwards, you can collapse onto the bed and complain to your spouse about it. Which you have been doing, actually, waiting for a decent excuse to bail or check out early.
Then you get a text. And it's your partner saying they got you a brand new console, your favorite pizza - Oh! And a million bucks in untraceable cash - but you might have to kick your shitty client in the nuts so hard his eyes pop out. Does that sound... okay? No pressure or anything.
The reason Bill was a minute later than expected is because even he needed a moment. It was the sheer whiplash from going from Shit to Fucking Amazing.
#answers#Bill went from full on eeueuughhh about his day to practically having hearts floating around him#Perhaps literally depending on the magic situation in the place he was in#In my head Bill was 'hired' by a (shitty) villain and he got out of it by doing a quick betrayal and demanding to be cast out by the 'heros#“I Got THIS to get back to!! You think I wanna keep him waiting???”#He already hovers in his normal triangle form but this man was practically floating with delight heading back to Dipper#A graph of Bill's mood would start out super low then spike sharply at the pic#It then stays super high up with more spikes during all the shenanigans#After the smut they likely get cleaned up. Cuddle. And talk shit about idiots they've had to deal with#Bill Cipher has gone from doing his evil deeds and playing piano to an empty bedroom while raiding his own bar for distraction#To coming home to someone who'll listen to him bitch about his day and absolutely bicker with him about it#Calling him the worst thing in the universe. A scourge upon reality.#The most clever awful bastard. How *dare* he be handsome that's a crime -and frankly Dipper basically did it for him so he can't take credi#And sometimes even saying 'yeah you didn't *entirely* deserve to be screwed over that way. I could have done that *way* better.'#While Bill rests his head in his lap. Having someone listen to him ramble while he gets his hair played with. Lots of really good kisses#Warm. Close. Grossly domestic. But hey! Even *sex* can seem gross if you phrase it weird and *that's* a normal demonic pleasure#Sometimes fun things are just fuckin' FUN y'know?? Even if this one seems weird to other demons#It's. Nice. REALLY nice.#There's absolute no goddamn way he's going back to NOT having this#Even death won't pry it out of his greedy little mitts
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5 AM
Just me and my overactive mind facing the nighttime again 🙃
#hopefully the meds work but while waiting for them to kick in I get so damn nervous#and sometimes I do get nights where even on my full dose my anxiety is too overpowering and I just. Do Not Sleep#I mean I do eventually but not without spiraling first :')#way before I was prescribed sleep meds my longest was 3 nights without sleep while on a VERY stressful trip#I felt like I was gonna die and I did not sleep until I got off the plane and was back at home#(this was like 15 years ago already but it still haunts me fhfgsgdh)#my best friend and I were having a conversation today#and she was like 'not sleeping can make you hallucinate right?'#and I was like :') I get the hallucinations in other scenarios too#BUT I also get what she meant#not sleeping is really bad for me mentally which is why I can't do 'sleep restriction therapy'#and fun fact#a lot of my OCD obsessions revolve around sleep!!!#which is 'awesome' because laying in bed with insomnia makes my OCD flare up so like#the two get to feed off each other and make my life a living hell!!!#and don't even get me started on my sleep paralysis episodes#(which I like to think of as just my brain misfiring but that my aunt tells me is saints or demons trying to talk to me)#'cause she hallucinates too but hers are like 'spiritual' or whatever#same with my mom's hallucinations as well#and to add fuel to the dumpster fire of my mind and body is the fact I've been overcaffeinating again#which I've known not to do ever since I was in middle school and saw the pediatric cardiologist who specifically said 'hey don't do that'#fast-forward to adulthood and I still haven't learned how to handle anything#like. I have heart meds and sleep meds and migraine meds and IBS meds#and yes meds are good but like. I know you need to incorporate lifestyle changes as well#which I do for like 2 weeks until the next time I fuck up#I've been so irresponsible lately but like. ESPECIALLY today#didn't eat#took some meds on an empty stomach and forgot to take my other ones at all#had too much caffeine#stressed out over some stupid situations thanks to overthinking
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Me panicking because i have 9 missed calls and 5 emails talking about my absence and how "a colleague could take over for me" vs. Me knowing it's really not that important no matter how pushy a client is and that on top of it I'm underpaid and have way to much overtime so i shouldn't even care
#i have 14 hours overtime#collected within 2 weeks lol#you know how it's apparently mandatory for companies in germany to have a way track employees working time? yeah we're#the only company in the whole fucking country who doesn't do that (obviously that's not true there's probably plenty more but it's#still not right.) so we don't get paid overtime nor does it get acknowledged in any way#so technically we're not allowed to even it out (which most people try to do anyway because tf do they think they are asking us to work for#free) but I'm dedicated to not collect any more unpaid working hours so i take the liberty to leave work early this week#so today i left at 12pm (and then got home 4 hours later because another person decided to kill themselves by train. they should call me#first. or anyone else taking the train. I'm sure there'd be plenty of volunteers to do the killing if it means not another miserable day#stuck in a disgusting train). and i logged in again at 6pm today to see if i have anything important messages (stupid i know)#and i saw the missed calls and that there had been an email exchange with me in the cc talking about the 'changes' made in one of the#articles and that someone else could do that for me since i couldn't be reached and at first i felt ashamed and scared#but now it's honestly just pissing me off. that asshole can't write emails and communicate requests like normal people can he#he already called me last week about something completely stupid and acts like his matters are the most important shit in the world#fuck you if you can't wait one day you should have sent this a month earlier because i won't stay online everyday#just to see if there might be an 'important' change you want me to make Immediately. bitch.#also missed two calls from my colleague but she didn't send any messages about what she wanted so i asked her because i felt bad for not#being online and turns out she wanted Nothing. just hear how i was. JUST TEXT ME THEN???? I HATE IT HERE FUCK YOU#seriously i don't get paid enough for this to bother me so much. she probably gets 12-15€ more than me per hour#of course she doesn't care about her overtime as much as i do. i get minimum wage which is less than what I'd get if i still worked at uni#as a student assistant so fuck this shit it's really not important or worth it. from now on i'll only put in minimum effort too#sorry got carried away. rant over now i guess#void screams#work stuff
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Huge vent
Yesterday was the welcome thing for the beginning of the school year, only from 15h to 16h30. Still managed to end up late. Nothing to do either, just sit there and listen to the explanation of how the year is gonna go. Still came back home EXHAUSTED
First day of school and I'm already an hour late
They also said that if we come late, the teachers aren't gonna let us in
So now I'm just frozen, sitting on my chair after finally managing to prepare, with no idea on if i waste the little energy i have going to school in the heat only to not be let in
But they also said they'd do that last year, and they never did. So maybe they're not doing it again and I'm just wasting time when they would let me in
I don't know and that's the problem
And even if i can, the mental image of everyone in class turning to stare at me and judge while i enter in the middle of the class, because i spent more than half of last year being hours late if not straight up missing "for no reason" is too much (because this country has dog shit psychology knowledge that has been studied to be around 50 years late, and they know nothing about invisible disabilities. Not like I'd ever even tell them. This class sucks in all minorities fronts)
But also I'm literally already thousands of euros in debt for this damn school and every class i miss is money wasted
I don't know what to do
#sent a message to admins to ask about the disability help i can get#think I'm gonna wait until afternoon class to go#and use that time to do all the other medical calls i need to do#hope we can talk about my help soon and i can explain the causes for why I'm late in the morning and why I'm struggling so much#and they'll actually listen#negative#HB rambles#i did brush my teeth! that's a huge win. and took a shower yesterday despite already taking one sunday#which thinking about it now might be the reason I'm already struggling so hard this morning.....#having to suddenly live with low spoons sucks. especially when you have huge memory issues#i keep acting like how i used to. just normal. and then being baffled when something as small as a shower wipes out all my energy for the#next day#i hate this. i hate this so much. i want to go back to being able to do multiple things a day and not ending up drained#i had 3 months of summer break. and only played animal crossing new leaf for like- 3 afternoons#never touched any other game. or my dsi. or my wii. or any of my books#played buckshot roulette for a few hours once#couldn't keep going. it's fun. but because it's a strategy game. it DRAINED my mental energy#i planned to fucking start sports and learn how to sew and crochet and maybe even skateboard#and instead i couldn't even draw a simple BASIC art piece without taking multiple days of only 3 hours sessions#an entire year of doctor appointments. and i still have NOTHING. no answer or help#my last hope is a mental exam in December....#if we don't find the answer then.....I'm probably gonna have to survive like this for the rest of my life#and i definitely can't get or keep a job in this state#vent#chronic fatigue#autistic burnout#probably#but it's not like i can get help for that. when the cure is YEARS of COMPLETE rest#no job or responsabilities whatsoever. yeah right. only way to get that would be to get sent to a retirement home or something#hate this
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maybe tiny demon starting scouts wasn't the best financial decision
#lila speaks#she's so happy thooooo#she can't wait to get out the door once she's home from school#like i would've never been able to do such things when i was her age#purely anxiety reasons my mum tried to get me to go to brownies#but i came home with a headache and never went again lolzzzz#it's 133 pounds just for her starter uniform blankets and some badges to get her started#like that's not even her den kit her camping stuff#there's a sleepover in may and thats 60 pounds#plus 10 pounds for her upcoming badge day#why do i do this to myself#and she's already been to two sessions and i still don't have iy#i will have it but not for another week and i know i'm in a better place than most i know this#just pls lemme have my little mardy in peace#mwah
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the next person that tells me what i need is to be around more people is gonna die, i literally just went outside for half an hour and i already hate people 10% more
#an old guy that was standing still staring at me and smirking i was this close to spit on him#this other guy going hi?? how you doing? and starting to have a conversation with me when i was literally sprinting to get away#why is it that only creepy guys like me? jesus a normal one. one normal one is all i'm asking#and then ofc i got honked at cause people can't even wait one fucking second#i'm one step away from snapping it's already a stressful week#will it end?#let it be monday 23#this whole day at work i was looking forward to just get back home and relax and be alone and ugly in peace but no#had to run an errand for someone#and that already screwed with my plans#i didn't even enjoy my junk food#and then i got to be around people!! :))) my favorite activity!! :)))))))))))#i'm starting to think it's me#why am i so dunb? huh? i never bother other people i try to ask for help as little as possible (also 'cause they tend to not give it to me)#but people just think they can have a say in my life and just make plans with MY time just cause i don't have kids hence i don't do shit#and they're only friends when they need something from me
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loooooove talking about korean dramas with my grandma (who knows all the names of the actors and is a real kdramaholic)
looooove talking about sci-fi stuff with my mum (who adores star trek, doctor who, lord of the rings, and the like)
looooove coming from a family of women with great taste in media <3
#I'm so damn lucky that I can get along with my family so well#on a similar note:#love playing mobile/card/board games with my grandpa who's obsessed with riddles and games of any kind#love hiking the mountains with my step-dad who loves nature and animals and fart jokes#I MISS MY FAMILY#(I just came home from summer but I already miss them and I can't wait for Christmas)
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i am too mentally exhausted to even deal with this shit anymore with my mom and grandma and low key wish i'd go comatose for a few years to be left alone tbh
#had a clean up service come by to see the damage and give a quote on the estimate and my grandma wasnt having it#she got upset and started crying to them about she has only 1 daughter and is trying to help her and they're trying to tell her that keepin#all that junk isn't gonna be helping anyone especially my mom but she wasn't getting it and i said i'm not helping clean the junk that's#all around the house cuz i'm tired of it all and having to manage my emotions since i am for sure emtotionally stunted from my childhood#and have to deal with a schitzophrenic mom and an absent sister who's balls deep in denial while i'm struggling to find a job here#and my grandma always stressing me ot saying she's gonna kick me out isn't fucking helping here at all like she thinks it does#so when they left she spent all day sobbing on the phone how i'm a terrible granddaughter who wants to throw out good stuff#when i'm not gonna keep helping sell shit for my mom cuz my sister can do it as her family contribution since she did nothing since dad die#and the thing is i gave them all options on clearing shit out cuz i know this family by now and shit doesn't get tossed but it migrates#cuz i said months ago i can ask some friends if they could come down and help sort and declutter#grandma said no to that and said she'll kick me out if i do it and she didn't want to pay for my mom's shit to get moved into a storage uni#she leaves the clean up to my mom and i think the backyard got worse but she didn't call anyone to throw out the junk like she threatened t#so i call a fucking hoarders clean up service cuz that's what my family is on my mom's side at this point and the city will be called too#and she has this reaction cries all day and calls everyone to say i'm horrible and yells at me saying i'm the one killing her with stress#when she's already been doing that for months to herself when i'm just tired and possibly mildly depressed or something idk#i barely leave my room and don't go outside except to walk my dog but idk cuz my family's attittude was we don't go to doctors cuz#cuz they're for crazy people but of course it's gotta switch up for my mom and no one else and i'm just sick of it all#grandma doesn't accept free help and she won't accept help that i pay for myself with my money set aside for school so i'm done#unlike her when i say i'll do something i stick to it so i'm not doing shit anymore unless i can call a friend to help with this mess#it's gonna sound like such a horrible thing but i can't wait for my family to die so i can live in a clean home again and get help#like deep serious help cleaning and big time grief councelling cuz i barely had time to process my dad's death and being the one to find hi#and that was just this february like god i am going to need so much fucking therapy in my future it's almost rediculous#and probably say screw my mom's side and visit my dad's side a lot more since they seem to be the normal ones in this shit family tree#at least they're not stupid and leave junk everywhere where one neighbour getting sick of not being able to sit outside and enjoy their yar#without mountains of junk staring them right in the face and landing a notice from the city to clean up especially since#we have chainlink fences and at least 7 neighbours can see the backyard and everyone can see the front porch when passing by#i'm just tired of living in these suffocating households and even wanna file a report myself to kick them into gear#its horrible living like this and no one should live surrounded by junk and things they never use or even garbage
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it takes a special kind of skill to get on the wrong bus while thinking "i have to make sure i don't get on the wrong bus again" but apparently that's a skill i have.
#i wish i fucking DIDN'T!!!!!!! but OH WELL!!!!!!!!!#jesus fuck some kid almost hit me with his bike i hope he fucking dies#anyway now i just have to sit on the side of the road for 20 minutes waiting for the next bus with all this frozen food in my bag#it's already been more than an hour since i bought it so that can't be good#stay tuned to find out if i accidentally poison my entire family#this was after a two hour long train journey btw which included a delayed train that made me miss my bus by literally 30 seconds#so i had to wait FORTY MINUTES for the next one#and THAT was after i waited almost two hours for a five minute doctor's appointment!!!!! i was supposed to be home two hours ago!!!!!!!!#i was supposed to get some work done today!!!!!! but what did i get instead???? a fucking headache!!!!!!!!!#and PROBABLY FOOD POISONING!!!!!!!!
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I finally got Hope a harness!!! I can't wait to take her on walks now that I've got it, I feel a lot more confident with it than a collar and she seems to really like it!
I got the OneTigris Fire Watcher 2.0 in navy for her, and I got a really nice leash with a second handle near where it clips to her harness. There's some other things I wanna get for her so we can start Canicross training bc I know she'd love Canicross, she loves to run and I wanna run with her. I wanna get her checked by her vet before we begin training tho, make sure she's sound enough for Canicross, but goddddd I'm so fuckin excited!!!!
Maybe after Canicross training we could do dry land mushing??? maybe I can get a skateboard or something and we can go flying around the town. I wanna get her shoes, tho, because right now the temperature dictates if we go for walks or not that day. I also have to get her a water bottle for hotter days with or without shoes tbh. Today it's too hot and humid, so I don't want to take her for a walk, but when it's cooled down again I'm so walking with her- maybe we'll go to petsmart and people watch for exposure training????
just. godddd I'm so happy and so fucking excited I love Hope so much
#⭑🛠⭑ Hey so *infodumps about the thing I’m into* { Tony Talks }#⭑🛠⭑ Little Lantern’s Spark of { Hope }#it fits her so good I'm so happy#I can't wait to get her in to the vet's and have her checked over#and then I can get a pulling harness later!!! and a canicross belt!!!!#and we can start running together!!#I need to teach left and right commands tho#I wanna teach her to slow down and that'd be “Easy easy” and ignoring things is already “Leave it”#left and right I think are gonna be Haw and Gee tbh#like sled dogs bc I like that#I know I want sprint to be something like “Take it home” but idk what I want go to be#“Walk on” maybe?? but I've been using that as a general continue command#all of this can be done in her OneTigris harness thankfully#and!!! I wanna decorate her harness!!! I want a blue lantern velcro patch on the front#and some custom patches of all the dogs we've had so far#especially Taffy#Taffy would've loved Canicross too
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