#i can't say i am. too happy about it
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yaaaaayyy
#cacterart#cacterverse#it's my birthday#i can't say i am. too happy about it#you know. fear of the future and growing up hits hard on birthdays#but oh well#as that one guy my husband fawns over would say#that's that and this is this#also this might be the only time i post about my ocs that are not borchestra or wwf related#i might do that at some point but uhhh. not in a while#you can enjoy their presence though#world-wide friends
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How did you come up with roleswap Elfilis' design? It's really cool!
Hi! Thank you so much! :D I'd love to share my thought process! Gather round the armchair by the fireplace, friends! It's story time!
I've said before that the Forgotten Land Roleswap started off as a doodle that swapped Dedede and Bandana Dee's roles as Player 2 and the Brainwashed Beast. But when I realized how fun that one little change was, how about EVEN MORE changes? That's how my one-time doodle turned into the full AU story. I swapped Meta Knight and Kirby, Clawroline and Leongar, and Sillydillo and Gorimondo- and because the story is so Waddle-Dee centric, I promoted Dedede to "Player 1" since the stakes would be higher for him as their King.
So now I had a story that had a lot of opposite traits to canon and I wanted to explore that further! When it came to the matter of Elfilin, I thought he would probably behave too similarly towards Dedede and Meta as he did to Kirby and Bandee. He'd be friendly and trusting, communicative, optimistic, knowledgeable, and cooperative. So how about providing them a travel companion who is defensive, has trouble communicating, a little wild, uninformed about themselves and the world around them, and has a bit of a temper?
But working with all these opposite traits didn't feel in-character for Elfilin anymore. So my natural next step was to swap Elfilin with Elfilis and make a new version of the Forgotten Land's lost little pup!
Enough yapping about the context behind my decisions, tho. How'd I come up with Roleswap Elfilis' design?
I see you out there, Fecto Forgo fans. Maybe somebody out there's thought, "Roleswap Elfilis does not look like them! Why not? That's what the other 50% of the Ultimate Life Form looks like! I demand justice for the angry glowing rat fetus!"
Maybe nobody has ever thought this. But I wonder sometimes lol
Your feelings are valid, friends. Please lemme explain my reasonings.
This fella, to me, is the abandoned wet specimen left to float in a jar for who-knows-how-long after a forcible physical and mental separation via spatial teleportation shenanigans. And I think part of their appearance is due to their role as the trapped and forgotten half.
The role of the half that got away fully formed his own body and inherited some traits from the complete being-
For Elfilin in canon, he got ears that are proportionally huge compared to the rest of his body, blue eyes that sparkle with the light of a thousand destroyed planets, a tiny bit of pink fur for his adorable blushies, and a really long fluffy tail. Maybe becoming a being free of chaos gave him those sweet eyes like Kirby and the Waddle Dees have.
My reasoning is that whichever half ends up escaping the Lab and fully forming their own body, they would carry the major physical traits the other wouldn't inherit.
Anyway, that left Elfilis with the horns, colorful and expressive eyes, whiskers, beige chest fluff, opposable thumbs, and pink tummy fur.
Elfilin gets the long tail in the bodily divorce so Elfilis has a short stubby little cotton tail like a bunny. Like if he ended up with just the very tip of the Ultimate Life Form's tail.
Behold this diagram above I came up with two years ago! Disclaimer: the canon Elfilin is the one in the chart. And I draw him a little differently these days lol. I ain't showing anyone how he ended up in the Roleswap yet tho!!!! >:0
But Roleswap Elfilis is more than just "baby version of the Ultimate Life Form..."
All the differences in the Forgotten Land Roleswap from canon stem from one event in the timeline. One change that I added to the events that were already supposed to take place. It's why the Ultimate Life Form split differently. Why the Beasts have different roles and aesthetics. Even why the portal took Bandana Dee and Kirby before Meta Knight and King Dedede.
How did that saying go again? The flap of wings somewhere can influence a bunch of huge changes somewhere else down the line...? What was the name of that theory again....? Hmm. Not important, I guess.
Anyway, the end!! You sly dog, you got me monologuing!!1! /lighthearted
#roleswap bonus features#Thanks for reading today's episode of Jojo's monologues HEHEHE#I really do put a lot of thought into these things and I can't help spilling whenever I'm asked!#I'm just really happy and excited about all of this building I'm doing!#And of course most of this is my own personal theory and conjecture#in no way am I saying “MY THEORIES ARE THE ONLY RIGHT ONES”#or claim that my roleswap au about the Forgotten Land game can be the only one just because I thought about it a lot#I love seeing different conclusions and interpretations in this series. especially if they're wildly different than mine#it's why the Kirby series feels so special to me. I genuinely just want to have fun and experience others' fun too :3#elfilis#elfilin#forgotten land roleswap#headcanons#ALSO I'M SORRY ANON it's been literal months since this ask.#I'm sorry for the person that I am lol sometimes it just takes a long time for me to get these things out#I love asks and questions and cherish them! I promise <3
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i like the mostly fanon angst of bruce being a bad, or at least emotionally distant, mentor during tim's earlier robin years... but i think we're missing on the potential angst of the canon way bruce started as a careful, helicopter parent mentor to this gremlin that choose him, how they bonded over their shared grief and loneliness and mirror-narratives, until a number of tragedies (clench, no man's land, knightfall, later even red hood) pulls them apart, as bruce becomes bitter and paranoid and distant (tim's "birthday gift"), and tim has to deal with the weight of he as robin not being enough to keep bruce from darkness
like, when he goes in the brucequest, is he filled with doubts? does he ever ponders if bruce being away is better? when he brings bruce back, and sees him closer to what he was in the beginning of his partnership, but he is no longer his partner, and they no longer talk as they did....
and then damian dies and there he goes again, bruce's partner, bruce's crutch, does he ever looks in the mirror and sees bruce there?
#tim drake#batman#red robin#dc#young justice#tim drake wayne#batfamily#bruce wayne#brucequest#like does he feel like he is too much? too little?#does he miss the bruce he once knew?#this bruce doesn't understand his grief#doesn't understand boomerang#doesn't understand him#i am very feral about their early HAPPY relationship#just bruce and his little feral boy#and then#everything crumbles#as tim loses everyone and bruce loses his sanity and they're pulled apart#dare i say this is even why dick couldn't have tim as his robin#tim was bruce's robin#his mirror his mission personified#and wanting or not tim couldn't be dick's robin#he loves and idols nightwing#he can't see him going down the same road as bruce either so
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it's so damn sad that i have 500+ of you and no one gives a shit that i am curled up on the floor crying holding my old stuffed cat because it's the only thing that hasn't left me and trying not to have a full on break down and jump out a window, but you will just at the chances to correct my shitty behaviors the moment i even momentarily fuck up. suck my dick/not a threat. jesus christ
i am tired. take what i say tonight with a grain of salt. i can't type due to the fact every ounce of liquid in my body is pouring out through my eyes while i try to convince myself life is worth living.
#kairying in here#im so tired#im so exhausted#i feel like im gonna pass out but my body keeps shaking#i feel like everything i do gets criticized and im so sick of it#let me be a person. let me say shit and regret it on my own god damn terms#do not point it out yes i know what i said what fucked up but i do not care#i am angry. i am tired. i am hurt. and if i hurt you well then maybe you deserve it#because you probably hurt me#you people hurt me so damn much#not all of you#but the ones who know who they are know who they are#of course they're all pussys and have me blocked#dumb fucks#deciding to ghost me and leave me for dead after multiple exhausted work nights telling them how much they matter#bullshit. absolute bullshit. you can't care about anyone without them giving you the finger and leaving you#why do i always need to be left behind?#why am i so undesirable that everyone fucking leaves me?#fuck you. fuck all of this shit#fuck this fuck you tumblr#i give up#im done#i quit. i give up. you win. i am a bad person#i am egotistical and rude and i do not take accountability for my actions#are for you fucking happy?#are you glad that ill be dead by tomorrow? that you'll never need to see my fucking face again?#you win. congrats. you get the honor of seeing me bitch for no one to hear#im sick of this. of all of it#my friends are gone. im “too negative”. fuck that#fuck that and fuck you. go eat shit
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I blacked out and more Logince HS AU appeared on my canvas idk what happened (also ty @oatmeal-stans-the-trash-rat for some inspiration sorry it took so long to make a post about Them <3)
#spoondoodles#sanders sides#sanders sides fanart#ts sides#tss#logan sanders#roman sanders#patton sanders#remus sanders#janus sanders#logince#I am here!!! for the platonic relationships!!!!! in this AU!!!!!!!#i have a strong character arc in my head about platonic logicality growing up together as childhood friends you have no idea asdfghj#i think they were very dependent on each other for many years so much so they'd copy each other but they're much more independent in HS#only remnant of that is that they have the same glasses + emotionally vent to each other a lot - their friends circle has grown enough#they don't live in each others' pockets anymore. roman + janus met in theatre + are gossip besties like they just talk shit together#(not completely sold on janus' design yet ngl i'm not happy with how i drew the vitilego but i'm working on it)#remus + logan are partners in chemistry in a classic teacher act of putting the 'disruptive' kid next to the 'good student' kid in hopes#that logan would stop remus acting out. predictably what happened instead is that they're friends now + remus is still as disruptive#but in a way that entertains logan so they get their work done early. now the teacher can't separate them. lol lmao.#remus knows ALL. but has been sworn to secrecy so can't say shit. janus knows roman's feelings but only suspects logan's.#patton didn't even have to be told by logan he just KNEW + is choosing not to speculate on roman's feelings b/c he's too polite.#virgil isn't here but that's b/c he also KNOWS without being told + is in an even more precarious position than remus. if they were#on better speaking terms he'd commiserate with remus. alas they are suffering separately.#anyway enough rambling from me. many thoughts head full.
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thank you everybody who crossed their fingers and toes bc aventurine AND acheron are now both safely at home:3333333333
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#the amount of tickets i went through?#let's not talk abt that#i also got six sampo's#and like eight (??) pela's#(i was about to fucking kill somebody i don'T EVEN USE HERRRR LEAVE ME ALONEEEEEEEEEEEEE LITTLE LADY)#and then tingyun and hanya and yukong (2x)#and gepard#who is cute but at the moment i was not that happy bc he was standing between me and my wife😠😠😠😠#i feel like i'm forgetting someone lmao#anyway#acheron was playing hard to get i do feel just a bit sad bc i am so low on tickets now and i kinda wanted her lc too#and idk whether i should still try to get it or not............................#my brother pulled her for me btw😭😭😭#i was losing hope but then he came into my room to talk abt his day and i was like okok . i need you to just push this button for me#AND IT ONLY TOOK TWOOOOO PULLS#😭😭😭😭😭😭#everybody say thank you mickey's little brother we love you mickey's little brother#i can't even use her rn though bc i can't get a good relic set for her lmao#I CAN USE AVENTURINE THOUUUGHHH AND HE'S SOO SOO GOOD EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I LOVE ITTTT#mmmm i should probably level up tingyun too right i've heard that she's good#i'm facing another very difficult decision now though bc................. i love jy...........................#but how many lightning charas do i need...................... if firefly is really getting a rerun at the same time........................#i might....................................... prioritize her.....................................#I HATE ITTTTT:(((((((((((((((#BUT I WANT JY TOOOO:(((((((((((((((((((#genuinely feels like i'm betraying him wahhhhhhhhh#anyway i'm in (what i hope) are my period feelings so hhhhhhhhhh#dying over and over again but dw i'll be back on my regular bs soon:333333#mayor of loserville
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Your art is FANTASTIC and the random observations/polls/interjections you make have really helped to fuel the DA fandom in positive ways! Which it definitely needed after Veilguard's release, lmao. It's always a pleasure to see you on my dashboard!
That's very kind of you to say oh my gosh thank you so much. I'm just bumbling around and every once in a while I say something people think is worth sharing, and I like sharing what other folks feel/make too! I'm glad I'm a not too much of an annoyance xx
I think my favorite thing about having this blog is the notes I see on other peoples posts I rb, it’s nice seeing all sweet things get things sent an artist way or conversations/theories carried on in a rb chain
It’s a big ol show n tell and it’s a wonderful reprieve from my normal day to be able to see other folks stuff too ✨
#I have a bunch of asks turned peanut gallery thoughts i haven't answered sorry guys i've been a workin...whatever i am#and ask asks too... oh no ahhh#asks for bee#thoughts from the peanut gallery#It's a very beautiful sandwich I just wish it had more meat instead of lettuce if that makes any sense?#and there's nothing wrong with being disappointed with what shipped#i dont think you should put something you love so high up on a pedistool that the flaws can't be seen anymore...#but going out of your way to be an ass to someone isn't my gig so i'm happy folks that follow this blog feel that same way#I want this to be a little safe space that's not just entirely one point of view#and I'm really lucky that I have so many people following this blog that are kind to each other in the notes when i rb something that isn't#-a shared feeling with everyone#its really cool that for the most part folks are respectful to one another in my tags/comments#like i wouldn't been able to ask for the Anders vibe check this time a year ago without folks being mean to eachother#oooo i hope i don't jinx it#ah im rambling again!#thank you for the kind words!!!#this blog has grown so much since MELE and Veilguard#its sweet xx#(I’m of course not without fault and had my share of asshole moments but I’m trying not to let my anger be the strongest part of me)#I know I can be snippy but if I was truly irked by someone I would just block them and move on#and I hope that’s what folks to do with me too#i’m sorry I don’t respond to your asks super fast all the time but my inbox is always open for pretty much whatever#…just not any more dreams about varrics feet please?#I’m still rambling ahhhh!!!#you can really tell I’m snuggled up and about to fall asleep huh whoopsy!#thank you for the chill tumblr space everyone! That’s all I was trying to say!!
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maybe you should doodle however many or few starcon/helix/damned characters as you like (in human or alien form) in cute halloween costumes! imagine... ZEX dressed up as Ariel thelittlemermaid...
Day 26 - "I hadn't realized humans also had aquatic subcultures!" "Oh, well, uhm..."
#My art#Requestober#SCII#Damned#DAX#ZEX#The Captain#You can't tempt me like this I'm too weak to it agh#I am sorely convinced that with a Slightly longer time frame to work on this I would've gone with my first idea#It was way overly-ambitious for a less-than-24-hour time limit but hhghhh I /do/ want to draw everyone in cute costumes!!!#Super doesn't help that I very broke my sleep schedule and like as soon as this came in I fell asleep for three hours lol#And was still tired!!! That's just not fair says I#But I still managed >:3c Because I limited my scope haha but that's important too!! And it still turned out cute!!!#I mean how couldn't it - ZEX as The Little Mermaid is just-#I'm enamoured it's so perfect for him..........what an excellent idea...........definitely not going to be thinking about this for A While#Funnily enough my immediate thought was actually angst haha - the mermaid has to give up her voice! What would ZEX give up?#That he hasn't already anyhow - and then thoughts of reviving Zelnick but selfishly I just hhghgh I love himm I love themmmm#For now the cutes tho!!!!#It tickles me so bad that a significant portion of Damned takes place in October hehe <3 ZEX arrived in November but still!#And then the Halloween event to get their canon outfits back fjdskalfjd ahhh!!!#I'm many many years too late lol but there's something very lovely about the theme continuing ahh <3 <3#Oh yeah and there's also two others in costume here lol - the Captain's was easy haha <3 Dashing prince! He suits it ♪#For DAX lol at first I considered Triton? But he's not quite That bad about ZEX's human infatuation#Not that he's as admissive or manipulative as Ursula either - at some point it might've just become ''I want to see him in it'' lol#He's so happy about it haha <3#Can you tell I had fun with ZEX's costume lol - sparklies!!! Had fun with the glitter on his shoes :D#I Will find a place to use my scale brush anywhere and everywhere and that's a threat#I wonder what ZEX would think of human animation haha - I only remember there being one movie night at the Institute!#Surely Disney would get the greenlight to be played in the Sun Room! ZEX having a transcendent ''seen'' experience aw <3
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"We can get through this by working together, reach out to your friends, community is all we have, a social network will be your security in the world, now is the time to lean on others!"
I do agree, and it's scientifically sound (pretty sure there is data about how people with better social networks live longer and etc) but also....augh..... what about the severe social issues, difficulty to leave the house, physical issues which lead to like zero socialization energy a majority of the time, etc. etc. Social support can be a replacement for structural support, but.. I guess I just wish it didn't have to be. Community is extremely difficult to build, even moreso if you're someone who has issues with social cues or group conversations or even just being around others in the first place. And blah, nuance, of course I'm just complaining or maybe being too negative or maybe misunderstanding, but, I hardly have the energy to brush my hair once every 2 months.. how am I supposed to maintain a wide social network and be active in a Community and Join Groups lol... sometimes it kind of feels like "er.. well if thats my only option then...... ruh roh". It's overwhelming
#Kind of like some post I saw a long time ago talking about how even the meanest shittiest most difficult to get along with#elderly people or whaever still deserve to have some sort of systems in place to support them so they're not just relying on the#grace of relatives or etc. who may not be able to deal with them. Not saying that I'm like mean and cruel or anything#but the fact of the matter is in most social situations either I am compromising or the other person is. Not in like an ~`ouuu im so weirdd#nobody willever understand my quirky swagg hee heee~' way but like a.. Just factually the things that make me happy and comfortable#are often incompatible with people. The way I communicate and process things is different from the way other people do and that#is always a barrier. I cannot have ''easy''' interactions. Even with 'understanding' people there is nearly always a significant#amount of effort. You can't walk into a group of people and then be like ''okay you guys all have to wear#masks and you also cant play music too loud and also we should communicate turns of speaking very clearly so group conversations#arent too stressful. and also i need this and that and we have to do this and that and '' etc. etc. You CAN. And some people will#go along with that. but they will ALWAYS secretly resent you for it. You will be the one person they're relieved to not have to be around.#theyre glad when you dont show up since they can go back to doing things however they want and not masking and all these boring#annoying things. OR you can say none of that and just deal with the loud music and the talking and the unmasked people. but then#YOU'RE compromising. and no matter how nice they are it's exhausting to be around and youre just further alienated#while in the presence of people and uncofmrtoabel the whole time.#Which I'm not saying the only form of community is a group setting specificially but just giving that as an example lol#I just wish there were a better option than ''well learn to socialize normally or just suffer then'' . Which I know is not what people are#saying. I guess I just always feel a bit scared when 'community is the answer'. Since its not like 'oh im just socially anxious and need to#get out of my shell~!' or something thats really that remedy-able. It's like.. my mostly unchangeable physical health issues combined#with the mostly unchangable literal way that my brain processes sensory informationand other things means that interacting with#others in a normal and easy way is incredibly difficult and often exhausting especially to maintain in any longform fashion. So then#when it's like ''the answer to staying safe is to maintain longform social connections!! :3 just reach out!!'' then.. ermm... O_O#also I'm not even one of the cutesy shy emotional hermits that's nervous. I'm the Bad Stereotype emotionless robotic cold seeming#looms in the corner of the room type of thing so people have less pity on you in that way. -_- ANYWAY gghj#I need like.. a designated social representative or something.. When I did work in that bookshop forever ago they gave me a#person who basically was just with me to help communicate with others on my behalf and supervise me and stuff. I need that.. Some#more extraverted person I can latch onto and they can maintain the Social Support Network for me and I can just be their +1 to all#of the Social Things and community. I have helpful skills I can contribute to other people and stuff it's just like.. I cant socialize lol#I cook food or something for you.. then you keep me in contact with Community.. a deal. (but then what about when I'm too sick to#contribute? as is often the case. there's not much place for people like me in communities sometimes i fear.. sigh.) ***
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sorry for only saying this type of shit lately but i kinda wanna drive a car straight into a brick wall at the highest speed possible
#trying to keep it together so bad because i already know the problems and solutions and whatnot but i cannot do anything#i desperately just need to do something. accomplish any task. actually several would be nice. but i cannot stand just letting life go by#while i watch other people have the things i want. or even metaphorically living my dream like. that should be me why am i settling for thi#i hate even talking about this because i feel so stupid when i know it's not even a real tangible problem and that i actually DO have real#problems to tackle and the ability to do so but i'm choosing to be upset over the stupidest things i could possibly be sad about#and i can't even be sad about it in a normal way i'm cycling through like several different reactions to smth that isn't even real#or if it is real i literally do not have tanglible evidence for it one way or another like i'm driving myself insane for no reason#i can't even get catharsis because all i'm doing is digging a deeper hole for something i never should've gone back into in the first place#because i KNOW how i am i KNOW how i react to things and i still chose to do it lmao.#and i continue to choose to go through this shit instead of actively trying to change my life because... i'm lazy? and stupid? idk#negative self-talk isn't gonna get me to do anything either so let's just say i'm feeling particularly unmotivated like usual#i hated being a teenager but i really do miss when all my problems just amounted to 'someone was mean to me on tumblr today :(' or i failed#a test in chemistry or something. like i yearn for that simplicity becasue at this point all i'm doing is ruining my own life LMAO#i'm too scared to live i'm too scared to die so i just sit here and fantasize that life could be amazing if i wait#and i'll magically get everything i've ever wanted if i just wait long enough. and i know it isn't true and i still wait for it to happen.#because honestly like. i think deep down i am just convinced i will fail at anything i do when that shouldn't be what scares me.#what scares me should be never even allowing myself to fail because i never tried to do anything at all with myself or my life#like. wake the fuck up. get off your ass and put in the effort. learn some skills. gain independence and stability and discipline and do it#just live please i'm begging you just live so i can be happy don't i deserve to be happy... why am i not letting myself be happy#i'm literally keeping myself trapped in this negative feedback loop ON PURPOSE because teehee shiny toy#and it doesn't matter if the love is real it doesn't matter how i feel like i'm just using it as a distraction i can't say it's motivation#because it's barely motivated me at all. i have to start being realistic. 25 & just realizing you actually have to participate in your life#anyways. i've cried i've agonized i've pictured killing myself in 30 different ways. i think the only way i'm gonna feel better is#to just actually try this time without giving up. wish me luck
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Bless russian holmes for doing the thing i'm always asking adaptations to do. At last, someone smart enough to connect Milverton and Moriarty in some way :')
They did it, I will finally stop complaining about nobody seeing my vision ahnfsjf
#listen i still think they could be more connected or be explicitly the same character or something#but in love with the way they handled these#now the pacing? a little off but I can't complain too much cause the pacing of this show is generally weird#but yeah i'm very happy about this lol#still gotta watch the 3rd ep so idk how they'll comtinue to connect things#but so far it's very good!#angel watches russian holmes#angel talks#russian holmes#EDIT: yes i am aware that i'm saying ''at last'' and ''finally'' when the show it from the 80s i don't care lol i'm just catching up!#ahfnshg
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I'll be so doomed the day I ever get a girl f/o
#pan rambles#I say doomed in like. a positive way. In a “I'd get way too flustered” way#I haven't really talked about it here because I don't feel like I owe it to people to talk about my attraction and the complexities of it#But I'll talk about it a bit bc I just need to ramble#I'm 99% I'm Aro. At the very least some flavor of it. I don't care about finding a specific label- I've spent many years stressing about it#And I don't really feel like spending even more years stressing about it#Despite being aro- I like the idea of being in a romantic relationship one day#Even if I know it'll probably never happen#Not only am I perfectly content with my QPR rn but also because I don't think most people would be open to the idea of dating an Aro#Which hey! Is completely fair! I know the love I feel is different than what I think most people feel#Though I'd argue that even if it's not exactly the same type- It's still plenty strong.When I love my friends it's a strong feeling#I'd do anything for my friends and I love them so much that I'd literally do anything to see them happy! The love I feel for them is strong#But it's not. Romantic y'know? Augh I'm getting distracted!#Back to my initial point!!! I can't tell if I like girls or not!#I'm not exactly in a safe place irl to try to experiment with those feelings so I've been pushing it aside for so long!#But I think there's definitely a chance I like girls in the same Aro™ way that I like guys!#I'm not gonna try to find a label for it because I don't want to label it but yeah#There's definitely a few crushes and f/os that I've headcanoned as Transfem before#But I've never romantically f/od a girl#Afksnfksnfkskd Ok yeah that's enough of Panchi rambling for tonight!#I just needed to let that out!#Thank you to anyone who listened to my Rambling about Attraction and stuff-
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I really wanna draw but I'm suddenly super sick and everything hurts pls send help
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#also I am thinking about starting streaming again because I am so much happier because of the ect treatment#and I would just like to talk to people#because I am just a happy person who likes talking to people#and it feels weird to say that after being so depressed for many many many years#like I can't remember the last time I wasn't depressed#but now I feel so much better#brains are weird#but my body is too and I am sick so freaking sick#I love you all#I also love jjk and I wanna draw all of the characters#it's my new hyperfixation#if you hadn't noticed#you guys are so amazing#breathing hurts and my dad is very concerned but it's probably nothing#pray for me#my muscles are also in incredible pain#like wtf#I should sleep#but I wanna draw!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#whatever
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life is worth living again, we're getting that act ii sequel
#daiya no ace#i am THRIVING#i waited so patiently#the very night before the announcement dropped i was telling one of my besties about waiting for the sequel#i still don't realize it#i tweeted it but i'll say it here too i hope this will motivate me to write some miyusawa and some furuharu#i've only published one miyusawa fic but the readers were so awesome and left heartwarming comments and i was so happy#it felt so rewarding and i was so happy to share a silly romance story with fellow fans#on top of the act ii sequel the manga is also getting published in my country at the end of the year#i can't wait to start collecting the volumes#it's my tenth year being a daiya fan and it's unbelievable to think i'm finally going to own the manga a literal decade after!!!#a girl has daiya brainrot (it's me i'm girlie)#tbh at this point my fave sports series go eyeshield 21 kuroko no basket and daiya no ace fisfs at least it's diverse!!!
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sometimes i think about killing myself just so my family will be free of the burden that is me and finally leave the country.
#random thoughts#but that's another selfish thought. both my mother and my brother now have told me i am selfish.#and selfish to rather want to kill myself than improve on myself. i don't know how to improve.#my brother says all i care about is myself. and my friends. and that i'd rather have my friends than my family be happy.#which sometimes yes i would. i'm selfish enough to forget about my family all the time.#i need to improve but i don't know how. someone who is almost two years younger claims to be more emotionally intelligent.#and it's true. is it? i don't know.#i don't know. how to improve. i feel both too young and too old to know how.#i'll talk to my therapist again soon. but i can't because help from others will cause chaos.#and i can't talk to people because they won't listen. but do i even understand what i'm saying?#and i can't cut myself because that's selfish also.#i don't know if i want to even leave because i have so many friends that love me and i love them too.#more than my family? selfish selfish selfish.#all i am is someone who wants to please. so people will like me.#so that i feel good about myself. no. so that they feel good about themselves#so i make them feel good. i want to do that.#but first i need to leave them.#and earlier i wanted to cry but i was in the presence of my mother. and so we embraced.#i feel worse than ever like i am back in august.#i can't be fixed i can't be saved. can we get to the good part already now.
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