#i can't get another job if i lose this one
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One last thing I'd like to add to this conversation...
Since this new movie is a shot-for-shot remake of the original, why aren't the people who created the original film getting any pay for their work??
The storyboard artists, the layout artists, the writers, the character designers, the animators who created the actions and expressions that they're copying in the new film; Everyone involved in creating the original film should be getting some sort of compensation for their work, since it's now being used frame-by-frame to make the new film.
Just another thing that really bothers me about all this. Especially since I have friends who worked on the first film and I know that they can't speak up against all this because of their contracts and for fear of losing their jobs.
As a long time httyd fan who has been heavily involved in the fandom since the first movie and who has spent years working in the animation industry, I’d like to share my thoughts on the new httyd movie. Keep in mind, this is just my personal opinion and it's completely fine if you disagree with me. I just want to say a little something about all this that really bothers me.
The core reason that Dreamworks and Universal made this film is that it’s a quick and easy cash grab for them. Thats it. They don’t care about telling a good story or making a “better” version of the original movie for fans or even having an accurate portrayal of the characters/story. It’s purely about money. They know that fans of the original film will go see this movie, whether it’s good or bad. And those guaranteed ticket sales are all that matter to the studios. And with Universal, it has the added bonus of being a cheap promotional and merchandising opportunity for the new HTTYD land in Orlando that opens around the same time that the film is premiering in theaters.
And to help the studios make even more money out of this, they are using non-unionized VFX companies around the world to make this film, so that they can get cheaper labor and push the artists to do more that would be against American union standards. The same thing has probably happened with the costuming and fabrication for the filming, hence why the costumes look un-weathered and the sets look cheap. They don’t want to pay for the extra time and effort that it would take to make the practical bits of the production look good.
On top of all this, Dreamworks has already announced that they’re shutting down all their in-house animation projects in favor of using AI and outsourcing projects to cheaper international non-union studios.
With all this in mind, I just can’t support this film and I will not be seeing it in theaters. And I hope that others will do the same.
The only way to stop all these horrible “live action” remakes (which are actually just realistically animated remakes) is to not buy tickets to see them. Money is all that matters to these studios, and if they don’t make any money off of it, then they will stop and try something different. Maybe they'll even go back to focusing on original stories!
That’s the power that we hold as audiences. Our wallets help drive the decisions that the executives make. So support unique storytelling and gorgeous cinematography in movies. Support indie films. Support animators as they're fighting for fair pay and better contracts. But don't support a mediocre shot-for-shot remake riding on the coattails of an already successful film.
And I just want to wrap all this up by saying I have absolutely no hate towards anyone that has worked on the new film. Toothless looks incredible and I know the artists and creatives involved in this project did the best they could with what they were given.
But I also know that those same artists have so many more brilliant ideas that they would’ve loved to be given the creative freedom to do. I just wish hollywood would be willing to take a chance and let them do it.
#this whole movie is such a mess#please dont support it#and spread the word to others to not support it#we need to stand with artists to help fight the abuse they face from these mega corps
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Threatening Sentences, Vol. 5
(Sentences from various sources for threats to and from a muse. Adjust phrasing where needed)
"You better watch it. You know my reputation?"
"Nobody is untouchable."
"I've been shot too many times to be scared by a gun."
"I'll give you a choice. You can walk out of here and never come back, keep your mouth shut... The other choice, I don't think I need to go into much detail about."
"Nothing changes behaviour like pain."
"Think twice about playing games with me; I will blow you to pieces."
"Blackmail? Go on, then. With everything you've done, you'll be going down with me."
"We execute traitors. Didn't you know that?"
"You best be looking over your shoulder because if we cross paths again, I'm going to bury your whole family."
"I came back to finish you off."
"I know what you're afraid of me. It's okay; I'd be afraid too."
"If you come after me, you better bring more than that pretty smile."
"Turn around and put your hands in the air now!"
"Don't ever fuck with me. I will know."
"I'm a hair's breadth from riddling you with holes!"
"I can get everything I want from you even if you only have nine fingers, or perhaps only one eye."
"I'm going to wear your head as a watch fob."
"The prospect of death is strong motivation."
"Will you stop playing dumb? I can't stand it when cops play dumb!"
"I'd tread very carefully if I were you. You, of all people, should know what I am capable of."
"You know, I will shoot you! I will shoot you in the liver!"
"If you want to live to see another day, you'll be out of town by nightfall."
"What's the most pain you've ever felt in your life?"
"Do I need to remind you what happened last time you pushed me too far?"
"I have a job for you. If you want to stay alive, you're going to accept it."
"If you like breathing, you might want to fix this."
"If you put your hand around my neck, you'll lose it."
"How nice to see you properly dressed for a change!"
"Never underestimate the power of incentive."
"Make so much as a sound, and a bullet goes through your throat."
"I may not be allowed to kill you, but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to hurt you."
"As bad as you think things are now, they're going to get much worse."
"Put that down or I'll blow your head off!"
"Say what you want, but I promise you, you'll be dead by dawn."
"I don't believe that anybody's coming to look for you."
"Do you really think you can win?"
"If you plan on exposing me, then my only option will be to kill you."
#rp meme#rp memes#roleplay meme#roleplay memes#rp prompts#roleplay prompts#sentence starters#assorted;#threatening;
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review i read on the offical ultrakill gabriel bodypillow
”
Laura T.
I am said friend who is delusional. Gabriel helped me through a breakup.
“I spent 3 years of my life chasing after a man, thinking he was the one. One day said man decided to break up with me. I was absolutely so distraught and falling back into him in the beginning all the time, I thought I couldn't live without my boyfriend. I was no stranger to Gabriel at the time of my breakup, but it never crossed my mind to obtain a body pillow of him. My lovely friend Charlie decided that providing the angel into my possession would boost my morale. As Charlie bought me this cover and the body pillow, I didn't think it would do all that much for me. I hid him from my parents, being embarrassed that I'd have a body pillow in my bed. To my surprise, upon his arrival everyone loved him. My cat lays near him and he is always included in every conversation I have at my bed. Upon being entertaining, Gabriel has a bunch of other qualities that I like. Gabriel is very soft and cold, perfect for when you overheat in your bed. Gabriel is also the perfect husband and friend. He will never yell at you for showing him a stupid TikTok. He never complains every either, which is wonderful. When you cry on him he will be there for you and let him lean on you. My only complaint is that he doesn't support me financially but I guess him being an angel makes up for him. I wouldn't expect Gabriel to be able to hold a 9 to 5 job anyway. Other than that, Gabriel has been a wonderful and healthy boyfriend/husband. He genuinely loves me more than my ex boyfriend did. Even through a screen, when I didn't have my pillow he would pay attention to me more than any ex boyfriend did. The best part and the most distinct part about this Gabriel pillow is how comfortable he is to cuddle. At night, I used to make my ex boyfriend sleep on call with me because I had absolutely horrible and soul crushing anxiety. Some days I would stay up for 48 hours because of how I couldn't sleep. genuinely one of the first thoughts I had when he broke up with me was about what I was gonna do when I had to go to sleep. The moment I laid my head on Gabriel's chest I passed out, I'm not even joking. Gabriel was so comfortable that he fixed my dependency on people to sleep with me on call. Gabriel is big enough to simulate another person being in your bed, which is exactly what I needed in my dire times. Not only that, when sleeping Gabriel has 2 sides. "Sexy" and "Protective". When sleeping on the side of protection I genuinely felt all of the paranoia that I have been harboring from my 18 years of living instantly disappear. He is genuinely one of the best things to cross my life to be honest. If I was in possession of Gabriel a year and a half sooner I think I would have broken up with my boyfriend because of how well Gabriel has treated me. I cannot believe that Gabriel was more accepted into my family than an entire human being. Although he can't speak to me, I can feel the love radiating from him. The only complaint I have about this body pillow is that when I was trying to stuff the pillow inside Gabriel, the seam ripped. Although this happened and there was a bunch of popping and ripping noises coming from Gabriel while I wrestled with him to get him to fit around the pillow, he fit in and the seam ripping isn't noticeable. The busted seam doesn't interfere with Gabriel whatsoever and he is very durable to throw around and move. Though be prepared to spend a lot of time wrestling to get him in like I did, that was an entire workout. Other than that, Gabriel is perfect. I would buy this body pillow for all of your loved ones that you hold nearest and dearest to your heart. Gabriel is the perfect gift for anybody who loves him. The more I think about it, the more I realize why my boyfriend would not buy this for me. I think he was afraid of losing the competition.
It's honestly so sad that you do below the minimum amount of effort a lifeless body pillow does. I have not felt the urge to talk to my ex since I have gotten my body pillow of Gabriel, which is absolutely amazing because I fold so bad. Gabriel has singlehandedly ceased my tears for my ex, and the tears that fell because of this man Gabriel caught them and comforted me. I have never felt so emotionally stable in a breakup, and it's all cause of Gabriel. I don't think I'll ever find a man to hold me like Gabriel does. I am in debt to the person who bestowed upon me this wonderous body pillow and I am in debt to the person who came up with this lustrous design. I have never felt happier in my life knowing that there is an angel to watch over me. For the low price of 50 dollars you could too experience the joy that I have been nonstop experiencing. I don't think $50 is enough for the joy that I have experienced. Some people say that money can't buy happiness, but money did buy happiness. I am convinced that if this body pillow could, it would cure cancer. Not only that but my hormone deficiency fixed itself within a week of Gabriel arriving at my doorstep. 5/5 stars, thank you!”
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I meant the isekai x self-aware fic with the team that you would never fight. I love it and want to see a part 2 of it. (sorry if I worded my previous ask incorrectly and confused you into thinking I was talking about another fic!)
OH- Butterfly- be more specific next time. I got around 3 different self-aware crk au's going on and you ought to specify which one you're referring to. I'm gonna mix them up if you don't T T Anyways, part two coming right up
Previous part
The ball's in your court pt2
While the battle between the heroes and Shadow Milk cookie raged on, Y/N cookie was just chilling with the kids and watching from the side eating popcorn (From where? nobody knows). The fight was pretty much still a 50/50 battle since neither team was taking enough damage for defeat. When did Shadow Milk cookie become THIS resilient??? Oh well, provided you got the healers doing their job and everyone else is holding up it would be fine.
Gingerbrave: So...
Strawberry cookie: The baker, hm?...
Wizard cookie: I thought you'd be bigger...
Y/N cookie: the feeling is mutual. And take as much time as you need to come to terms with it.
Strawberry cookie: And those cookies- the ones you brought to fight. Are... they the really like the ones we know? As in- the white lily cookie and dark cacao cookie. I don't know who the other two are.
Y/N cookie: Yes and no. Unlike the cookies of this universe, these ones are solely brought in to fight the enemy on my command. And if they crumble it's not a permanent death. They'll always come back provided I choose to use them for battle again. And even if I don't, they're on standby. Though I don't exactly think I'll need to put any of them on the bench with how well the battle is going.
Y/N cookie looks back at the fight, which hasn't calmed down in the slightest. But at least they were slowly getting the upper hand. The three other cookies looked at each other before looking at the baker.
Wizard cookie: So you're saying that anyone you choose to fight for you can and will appear?
Y/N cookie: Yeah, but that'll probably only be possible once I beat this boss or they lose.
Gingerbrave: Wow! This is so cool! It's like some awesome video game in real life!
Y/N cookie:... riiiiiiiiiiiight......
Strawberry cookie: I have a question.
Y/N cookie: Ask away.
Strawberry cookie: Earlier you said something about... Elder Faerie crumbling?... I-is that really gonna happen?
Y/N cookie: Uhh
Wizard cookie: Oh so I wasn't the only one who heard that.
Y/N cookie: Well-
Gingerbrave: Wait- he's gonna crumble?! When?!
Y/N cookie: Ok just calm down so I can speak, geez!
All three cookies go silent, looking up at Y/N cookie with visible concern as they sigh.
Y/N cookie: So originally, he supposed to die. I'm not gonna go into too much detail cuz that's way too many spoilers but yeah, he dies. I was admittedly hoping it wouldn't come to that since a whole lot of dialogue was changed, but I guess there odds of the story changing were pretty low.
Gingerbrave: W-when does it happen?! Maybe we can stop it?!
Y/N cookie: Considering how long the fight's been going I'd say right about-
Just then there was a yell of pain from the battle grounds, causing all the cookies to look at the source. Surprise surprise, Elder faerie was dying.
Y/N cookie: Now...
The four went to the scene. (skipping the whole using the guardians strength part because it's gonna take forever for me to finish this story if I don't.)
Y/N cookie: Can't you heal him or something, Mystic flour cookie?
Mystic flour cookie: No.
Y/N cookie: Why not-
Mystic flour cookie: I'm not about to interfere with a canon event.
Y/N cookie: Ah- fair.
Burning Spice cookie: And so the old fool dies. And yet, I still feel nothing.
Y/N cookie: Wait is that a ref-
White Lily cookie: WHY ARE YOU GUYS SO NOCHALANT ABOUT THIS?! I JUST BECAME A GUARDIAN FOR TREES SAKE!
Moonflower Faerie: You'll get over it.
White Lily cookie: Wait- really?
Moonflower faerie: No- that's gonna haunt you for weeks to come, trust me.
White Lily cookie: oh-
Dark Cacao cookie (Dragon lord): Now, let us make haste and seal that wretched beast once and for all.
Y/N cookie: He's gonna be back in- like, Beast yeast episode 7
Burning spice + Mystic flour: What?-
Y/N cookie: Nothing- let's just go!
#crk#cookie run kingdom#cr kingdom#crk x reader#burning spice cookie#cookie run#mystic flour cookie#shadow milk cookie#white lily cookie#pure vanilla cooke#gingerbrave#strawberry cookie#wizard cookie#awakened dark cacao
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vent post sorry so sorry i'm having a Bad Time
psyched myself up to buy a new bed but when i announced my plans for the weekend my sibling's like 'are you sure you wanna buy a new bed?' like damn killed the hype immediately. i don't wanna buy a bed i don't wanna go anywhere i'll just keep using the bed that we all cycled through growing up that hasn't been replaced in a decade+ with no bedframe and only one sheet that fits.
"are you sure you want-" I need a new bed. This isn't a matter of wanting. i don't want to think about where to get the best deals or which store has a delivery service or the logistics of hauling that thing into my room or where to get rid of the old one i'm sick of sleeping on a mattress on the floor. don't make this ordeal more complicated than it has to be.
#i'm having a really bad day mentally and when it's this bad i have trouble doing anything because it's all too complicated#even going to the bathroom is too much so i just wont. and as the day goes on i start feeling gross and uncomfortable and hungry#but if i use the bathroom i'll be dirty so i'll have to take a shower and showering is a whole other thing so i'll just not eat or drink so#i don't have to go any more badly than i already do#it's not good and i hate it and this is somehow my fault??? fuck off why don't i crawl into a ditch so you don't have to see it#i skipped work today and i couldn't even go downstairs to get my work phone to inform my boss. even though i have enough time off saved up#it's still a tardy because i didn't report in so i'll get written up#they should fire me. i hate that place.#none of the part time jobs i've applied for have replied#i can't get another job if i lose this one#i cant tell if i'm fr mentally ill or if it's just a product of living in pandemic-genocide-capitalist-global warming times. among others.#not that any of that directly affects me because it's all just me overthinking things and blowing it out of proportion and ruining myself#i'm sorry i cant help#myself or others#talking tag
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On one hand, I feel horribly guilty for having a couple weekends where I've committed to absolutely nothing to the point of backing out of volunteering at a local dog show.
On the other hand, I have dog sport events literally every weekend and practice or class at least twice a week throughout the entirety of October and November. I think I get a free pass for a couple weekends.
#and this doesn't even count my work disc dog events#those start again next week#I have two disc dog events and two obedience trials and the three separate mondioring seminars#on top of work disc dog events and AKC Trick Dog classes at multiple levels I'll be hosting and an extracurricular play skills class#that will make my Sundays at 12 hour work day even if it's a very rewarding one with Limited Basic obedience work#I go through Vicious Cycles of doing as much as physically possible during busy season and then crashing during the dead seasons#but I need to support my hobby jobby job and my partners Hobby jobby job as much as I can to keep this sustainable#and 10 is in his Peak trialing time before he starts losing Mobility#and Valkyrie is in her Peak training time to build her up as a multi-sport dog#so here we go#and Mr tumnus gets to be a little bit of a living plush animal for a while since I can't afford to show a third animal right now#I honestly think he would do great showing and we would both have fun#but I can keep him in good condition and get out there again in a year or two when I can afford a second ferret and yet another sport#the life of Ron#maybe if a manic enough I won't notice that my birthday is coming up again#and I'll get enough done before I have to have surgery that I won't be going insane through recovery
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everyone wants disabled people to get a job but no one wants to give disabled people the ability to work a job
#.bdo#no one hired me after about 30 job applications and 4 interviews after a whole year in this job program#back in the day i got every job I applied for immediately#and then when you do work a job they don't make it accessible for you#you get fired just for calling in too many times#even people who are able to go back to work don't#because they'd lose their housing assistance/food stamps/medicaid/utility assistance etc#and if they lost another job it means that they have to reapply for everything#my dr. appointments are $400/mo I get $330/mo food stamps I had $420/mo housing assistance $200/mo utility assistance#so that's $1350 a month in assistance plus my $760 a month = $2110#so if I go back to work I would have the same amount of money or less. I literally can't afford to work. I CAN'T AFFORD TO WORK.#(no longer getting housing or utility assistance now that I'm at my mom's so I'm currently paying more bills than I was)
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Ep 5!!!
#Episodes that make me go “The author has never talked with a woman ever” 😓😓😓#I don't like how Lucy's character is handled at all. And I feel like I can't talk about it because I'm just going to sound like a bitter–#ss/kk shipper... But I really don't like it. And if it can help my case I'm a multishipper so I really don't take any–#issues with atsu/lucy I like the ship quite a lot actually.#So you're telling me there's this girl... Who meets this boy who pretty much ruined her life by directly causing her to lose her job...#And the next time she sees him she's going to sacrifice her own freedom for him as well as tell him “when you're done doing your things–#come and save me” (longest ewwww ever)... And when she regains freedom (author didn't bother to explain how because they don't care)–#she goes to work... As a waitress at the café beneath his workplace. So he can keep doing his Cool Superpowers Job while she literally–#must serve him every time he visits the place. It's just ?????????????????????????????????#Look‚ I don't dislike Lucy and I feel general affection towards her. It's just that they make her act like no one ever would#Just for the sake of the plot I guess#And like I knoww it's (probably just a little) more nuanced than that. I know Lucy is living her own fairy tale fantasy.#It's just that what I've said about her story is still true‚ you know?#I'm sorry but as sweet as atsu/lucy can be. I really hate the author for making Lucy a waitress. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.#It's so weird. This anime has women writing standards that feel like dating back to the 20s#Same with Katai and the ideal woman tbh. Like why are women to be seen as this abstract impersonal entities? Why can't they just be people?#Ideal for WHO. It's like super screwed up of a concept. What even is an ideal woman? What does it mean to be a woman anyways?#They just want to say “ideal wife”. But women aren't made to be wives their existence isn't functional to another person.#Sorry. I derail. Next episode is going to be even worse on this front ughhhh#Back to the episode: once again it really shows they were running out of budget with this season‚‚‚ the animation looks very suffered#Too many flashback also... I feel bad for the animators tbh#I don't really like the shift in art style :( Not even Atsushi I found particularly pretty this episode my heart cries#The nail pulling thing made me feel like throwing up afhsjyabfsbfwasfvb I feel like I can bear worse gore but there's a couple of little–#specific things I can't stand and this seems to be one of them pffftttt#I like Higuchi I think she's both very funny and cool. I really wish she was explored more (but then again looking at Teruko... )#The relationship between Kunikida and Katai looks so interesting even though we only get glimpses of it. Kunikida regrets Katai leaving–#the ada but is also happy for him but also worries for him. He comes to his house seemingly to check on him and starts cleaning around.#The way he loves him and cherishes their friendship and shared history is really evident and it makes for a compelling dynamic.#Perhaps I should read their short story... In any case. Going to someone's house and compulsively start doing the dishes half out of will–#to help out half because he can't bear the mess sounds a lot like something I'd do lol
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Am I supposed to take advantage of the night to keep working on my thesis, of which I've barely completed 1/9th (discounting research, abstract, introduction, structure and bibliography)? Yes. Am I instead reading my second novel of the day? Yes. Should I go to bed instead because it's 4am? Yes.
Earlier today I read This is How You Lose the Time War, that I had been meaning to check ever since it was published, and it was gorgeous. Really beautiful, the letters, the descriptions of the multiple universes, times and planets visited, the ways Red and Blue work, the emotions... Pure joy.
Right now I'm reading The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet, and it is fascinating. I love a good scifi book, especially a scifi book that really takes into consideration the vastness of space and how varied other species and planets could be. Also punching holes through subspace sounds like a pure adrenaline trip and I'm deeply interested and captivated.
Anyway. Thesis is not progressing, deadline is getting closer. I should stop reading and start writing at some point. Meh. Stress levels are still not optimal. Stars aren't aligned. Need more adrenaline.
#rapha talks#rapha reads#books#book recs#literature#sf literature#scifi#this is how you lose the time war#the long way to a small angry planet#i know i'm the one who came up with my thesis subject. i know i'm the one who choose to go back and get another master's degree.#but still. why the hell did i do that. this thesis is killing me.#or maybe not the thesis itself but the stress of writing it coupled with the intense family drama i have to deal with at the same time#adding to that the fact that i don't have a job lined up next yet + won't have a flat after the 31st and need to get my stuff back#... i can't focus at the same time on my thesis my dad going through it my mom and her dumbass decisions and my future situation#it's just too much. so instead i read. reading has never failed me. reading is the most faithful companion of my existence#if i couldn't read anymore i don't know what or who i'd be#i need somebody to find me a flat and a job and someone else to deal with my parents while i finish this thesis#sadly no one is jumping on the tasks and i'm left with too much noise in my head
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there is no universal accessibility. there is no one-size-fits-all.
as a genderqueer person, i'd be over the moon if someone looked at my presentation and stumbled or asked what my pronouns are. there are gnc people, trans and cis, who don't present or perform gender in a way that makes it 'obvious' what they are 'going for'. for me, that pause, however performative, is validating and affirming. for me, as a genderqueer person, presentation anarchy and public acceptance of gender nonconformity is comforting.
and on the other hand, i know trans women who are understandably frustrated at people ignoring cues in wardrobe and makeup and opting to degender them. being degendered or misgendered because cues are being missed or ignored is an awful feeling, and this is especially a problem that trans women and other trans fems face.
we've cultivated these protocols that are polite in specific circles that i genuinely believe are used in good faith most of the time, but that doesn't stop them from mimicing bigotry.
i have no answer. ask for my pronouns and don't ask my trans sisters for theirs. there isn't a nice answer.
#id tell everyone to get over it but i shouldnt have to and you shouldnt either#nobody asks my pronouns but everyone asks allie's and these are fruit of the same tree#i dont want to use the master's tools to deconstruct gender i want to use god's tools fire and wrath to destroy it#there's also something to be said#about how under cisheteropatriarchy trans feminine people are defective enough to lose all gendered class status#but trans masculine people have a liiiiittle space in there where we're still useful as breeders so we don't get degendered yet#it's only after we cross a threshold of usefulness that we are finally stripped of the class of womanhood#this is not a privilege. it's a different path to the same place#i dunno. if i think about it too long i get angry#it's easy to look at posts from trans women getting a courtesy never afforded to me and being hurt by it and get bitter. but that's the dev#but yeah. not fair that my girlfriend says she doesnt try to pass because it makes no difference if she does or not.#not fair that i get misgendered more frequenyly at this job than i did at my previous one.#not fair that we can't have anything without cis people making it into a weapon against us.#not fair that maintaining gender is a violence to me and destroying it is a violence to other trans people#gonna accept that as another absurdity and remind myself that if i despair about it then im a little bitch#thanks camus
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panic
#landlord wants to move us to a month to month lease and i am#losing my mind panicking#why would they do this if not to kick us out later#i can't afford to move#i. the deal here was so good. i won't be able to afford another place half as nice or big.#how will i do my business without the square footage? i can't afford a more expensive place. we'll never find somewhere this cheap.#this house is perfect. i love it. I've lived here almost 5 years. it's mine. it's perfect. i can't lose it#will i have to quit my business to get more hours at my day job?#can we offer to buy the house? is that feasible? is that even within the realm of possibility? will we have time to find a new place?#i don't want to move i have so much stuff#i hate moving i hate looking at new homes#what did we do wrong#weren't we model tenants?#i can't afford a new safety deposit#will i have to give up my plan of getting a new car? i just reached my savings goals for that#but if we don't get the safety deposit back here i don't know if i can afford a new one#oh god are we going to be homeless#I've taken my anxiety meds and they aren't hitting fast enough#I'm so scared#and I'm so tired. my fatigue is so bad this week. i feel so weak. my brain so fuzzy. how am i supposed to concentrate on anything#i need to answer my emails and i need to write a newsletter and I need to order supplies and yet#I'm back in bed sobbing and i can't think and I'm so scared#got my breathing under control a little but . fuck .#fuck.#fuck!#fuck my stupid baka life
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.
#the anxiety is anxietying#remind me never to drink more than one cup of coffee#my heart is deadass racing lol#and i am ✨️thinking ✨️#i impulsively sent my parents a message about a gap year so fingers crossed I'm not disowned when i wake up lol#i just can't do another year of university right now#i have been running on empty for two years now#i need a break or i will lose it#but part of me is like another gap year dog really#i know there's no such thing as actually being behind in life but it feels that way#at this rate I'll only get a full-time job at 26/27#anyways I'm just spiralling don't mind me haha#also i know falling behind isn't real and much of that notion is capitalist propaganda but sometimes i can't help but feel that way
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I keep one habit I lose three more. I try to get better, five things go wrong in my life and someone dies again, I try to do good, I do everything wrong. I get a job, I feel miserable, I push through, I feel worse.
The cycle repeats and repeats and repeats. Nothing changes. Nothing will ever change because this is all there is to life for me. It's going to be this, and then I'll die.
I'm never even going to get out of this house. It's been worse since we moved here. There's nothing here. I'm going to fucking rot away here and no one will know or care because in the grand scheme of it, I am so fucking unimportant and worthless and I take up more space than I'm worth
#at least I got on T. That's nice. Might lose that when I lose my insurance. I'll need to get another full time job again. I'm struggling wit#h my part time one but if I ever even have a hope of moving out I'll probably need a full time job and a part time job for when I'm not work#ing the full time one. And that'll still barely cover the bills. Plus utilities. Plus Internet. Plus car payments and insurance. And#groceries.#I just can't do it.#I'm not made to work. not made for this. but i have too because everyone struggles and everyone else sucks it up and I'm just a sensitive#crybaby!#elias.zip
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(ノ`Д´)ノ彡┻━┻
#hi im mad and welcome to me venting in my tags#i hate my job and the company i work for and while i don't hold it against patients who are frustrated (for the most part)—#having to deal with all of this shit is fucking exhausting like beyond fucking exhausting#after lockdown and everything its like everyone genuinely forgot how to fuckin act including physicians#they can be some of the meanest fucking people ever and they talk down to literally everyone#and no one can direct their anger to the thing that's actually pissing them off which is insurance. so instead they take it out on us.#suddenly its our fault it needs a prior auth#its our fault that your meds are expensive#its our fault that we can't get in meds due to a national backorder#its our fault that coupons aren't covering as much as the ad said it would#its our fault for not accepting goodrx despite us literally not having the profit to cover how much money we would lose from using it#its our fault your providers aren't refilling your meds or doing appropriate followup#everything is our fucking fault even if it isnt and im fucking suck of it lmfao#im so beyond past burnt out at this point and i want to quit but i literally can't because i likely wont be able to find another job#and it's such fucking bullshit#im so fucking tired and i hate everything#thats my vent for the day thank u#this prevented me from blowing up lol#getting emo and angsty on main don't mind me
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sometimes i miss talking to that one person who didn't NEVER turned it into a competition about who has it worse and never told me well atleast you have [x]
#weirdly i think she was the only one#my irl bestie called and was ranting about her miserable life and#it's the exact same thing ive been going through for years her parents won't let her move to another city#she can't make friends here she hates it here her parents are being overbearing and don't understand the importance of socialising#with people her age and they tell her to just hang out with her family all day and don't give her privact#like. okay. i love her ive been listening to her complain about how her mom comes into her room sometimes. and just#i was okay listening to it okay im no judge for how someone's feeling and my bad might be their worst#but then she goes like well atleast you'll know you'll get to move out after you finish your degree for a job#like. wow okay. atleast you got to enjoy 3 years of college at the coolest city in india atleast you got to have vibrant life experiences#and learned so much about the world made tons of friends visited a hundred places had a boyfriend#went to clubs increased your netword learned how to be street smart and talk well#i hate to be resentful ofcoursr im happy for her and ofc i understand this is a hard time#but like god seriously. she'll never know what it feels like think you'll live your life as you pass 12th because they let your elder siste#go to college and she had the best times and then suddenly you're 17 and they twll you well actually we made a mistake and we won't repeat#it ever so you're just gonna stay home where we watch you 24/7 and ww won't even let you go to classes that have somewhat okayish people#because you can't have friends because they'll distract you from your studies#and she'll never know what it's like working towards a dream everyday that seems so fucking faw away and unreachable#when you're not even good at studying and especially focusing because yeah parents fucked you up majorly!!#like im sorry but try being completely hopeless and alone and isolated losing your friends one by one watching everyone#grow and find themselves as you rot in your room try to do better try to find happiness but it's impossible it's never enough#and try to study for a really fucking hard course in the middle of all that#and then tell me that atleast ill get to go out after i finish#like seriously try fucking living my life for one day and then talk#god i know ive become resentful and bitter because of a thing in my childhood but i don't know how to stop#ugh i never should've picked up the phone i was studying so well before that#anyway. i miss talking to that one person who was sensitive and sweet and encouraging always yk#i miss hearing i completely understand you because im going through the same things (def worse imo) and we'll get through this together#man.#chappell roan was so right actually i hate that i let this go on for so long now i hate myself
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Was in the middle of drawing something else. Sketched a little happy peepaw as an apology for using him as a vessel for my own thoughts of leftover-ism.
#kk rambles#dunmeshi posting#mithrun#Extra apologetic bc im so bad at finishing art these days bc of art block. So. Um. More leftover motif except literal lmao#I have so many characters im attached to. Is it a bad sign that the things I relate the most too are the arguably “worst” parts of each lol#we r gonna leave that for another day to dissect#i've climbed out of. many bad situations. with just purely the stubborn desire to live a good life.#and at times when things get really overwhelming and i lose track of what i'm achieving things for. well.#then it's just holding onto really simple things. I have to get through. get a good job. earn money. small goals. killing the demon.#ugh i can't put it into words but he's such a comfort character for me. i too want to remember what it's like to have desires after all thi#like noodles. i also want to make noodles. i want to eat noodles. i want really good noodles. rahhhhhhh#and after my operation and my body gets better. I want cheesecake. I want cheese tart. I want the really really soft nice almost gooey ones#one day im gonna have a taste of that cheesecake that's been living in my head nonstop again and by then life will be ok#my art
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