#i can't draw anymore 😞

[ckgrouchy]

sorry for being inactive for so long guys

[chocolatepizzaaz]

trying to paint..

[irl-magicalgirl]

.

[gremlingottoosilly]

I have a small request because you're my favourite writer 🥺 can you write König defending reader from Roze and Calisto? (These operators always bully me in the game 😞) I want König to save me from them and have sexy time 🥰 pretty please ❤️

You were the runt of KorTac. Little comms expert, always the one with her pretty ass seated in some cushy room while the others are risking their lives. This is what everybody say to you, anyway - not like anyone cared that you were the one responsible for making orders heard and prompting others to action. Fucking bullies, that's who they were - but you can't even say anything about it. Too scared of retaliation, not wanting to be accused of getting into a catfight with two other female members, and also not wanting to draw the attention of the colonel. Konig always gave you creeps - especially with his long, leering gazes. Made you feel like a mouse under the gaze of a lion. It finally got to the point of those two pushing you around in the locker room. High school stuff, you both knew it - but they were smart, beating where the uniform would hide. Knowing you'd ditch the training anyway, not wanting to show off the bruises in the locker room after. You tried your best not to yelp from pain, taking the beating like a champ - up until you were dragged away. Your colonel looking like he is ready to kill a few dozens of his own people. Konig yells at you, at first - until you're finally crying, breaking down and mumbling. This is when he smirks, pushes a finger under your chin, and forces you to look at him. He said you don't have to worry about them anymore - but you also need to think about your future here. With him. There is an open position for the reports dealer at the base, and he needs someone to work with him. Under him. Tugged on your shirt, made you squeal as he easily unwrapped your uniform and squished your tits for a good measure. Made you squeak while he used your body as a stress toy - maybe bullying you just as much as girls did, just in a slightly different way. Pushed his face in the crook of your neck and sink his teeth in - you could probably see his face under that mask if you tried. You didn't. Just shut your eyes and spread your legs, letting your colonel fuck you on his table - payment for his protection.

[webslingingslasher]

tw: depression

hey! i was wondering, how would peter react or take care of reader with depression? can be either nerdy or frat peter or any peter rly :)

sorry i am very much kinda really going thru it rn 😞

felt that. depression is fucking brutal, anon. i'm here for you and i hope you're taking care of yourself for now.

--

you don't move when your window opens. you haven't moved for hours, you couldn't draw up enough energy to turn or eat, or breathe. the wall in front of you hasn't changed, it's been a blank slate of emptiness. just like the pit inside you.

'i know you're not sleeping.' it's teasing, your heart doesn't have it in you to perk up. you don't feel excited peter showed up, nothing could top the numbness that's burrowed its way into your chest and mind.

'you haven't texted me back all day, i was about to send a smoke signal.' your bones feel sharp, the idea of rolling over to face him stings, you think you'll shatter into a million pieces. you have nothing left to give, even talking seems exhausting.

'baby?' peter knows somethings wrong, he thinks he knows what's wrong. you had a good stretch, it had been months before the depression caught up and sent you bedrotting.

peter can't imagine how it feels for you, but for him, watching you go through this, kills him inside.

your mattress sinks, you close your eyes when peter reaches out for you, his hand on your skin is the most warmth you felt all day. it's peter; your rock, your safety net, your protector.

you think it's the first time you've talked all day. you had a permanent lump in your throat and you knew just by opening your mouth the tears would start.

but it's okay, because peter is here.

'i'm really sad today.' it's all it takes, your shoulders shake with your sobs, how could you feel everything and nothing all at once? peter's soft whispers have you curling into yourself. you don't deserve him, he doesn't deserve this.

'oh, honey.' it's full of love, his nose brushes your shoulder like a puppy asking to be pet. 'wanna give me a hug?' your voice wavers on your answer, it's raw and scratchy, begging to be hydrated, you don't think you've even had water today.

'yes, please.' your cheeks feel sticky but peter's holding you tightly, yet softly, it's like he's trying to hold you together. it's working. 'i'm sorry.' you feel bad. you should be more for him.

'don't be. i want to be here for you, and when you can only give twenty percent, i've got the other eighty. i love you. always and forever. no matter what.'

he needs to add the end, he needs to because he knows how it weighs down in your mind. how you've told him over and over it's unfair he has to put up with this and how he doesn't deserve what you bring to the table.

peter told you he's got a big fucking table and it's got more than enough room for your "mess." you don't say the silent part out loud anymore but he knows you still think it. peter would never admit it to you, but sometimes he really hates your brain and the way it thinks about yourself when your depression sets in.

it's selfish, you hate it about yourself but you need a reason to keep going.

'can you tell me how sad you would be if i died?' to anyone else it would sound morbid, to peter it means you're feeling better. peter slightly rocks you in his lap, he hums like he needs to think.

'you think you're depressed? just you wait, i'll make this look estatic.' a smile teases, he's determined to get you laughing. 'i mean it. i'd be on my knees, tears and snot all over my face, holding your hand at your funeral. i'd probably throw myself down the hole with you.'

it works, it's minuscule but you gave him a real smile and a tiny laugh. it's because you're picturing the teary-snotted face he'd be sporting and he's totally okay with that.

peter presses kisses over your hairline, he's speaking from the heart and you can feel it.

'because if you're not living, i wouldn't have a reason to either.' 

[factual-fantasy]

10 Asks! Thank you! :}} 🌱

I assume I'm not, it appears to just be a chest cold 😞

<XD I've heard of whiteboard yeah. But I've never used it. I can just imagine people popping in just to scribble all over everyone else's work. I'll think I'll stick to solo drawing for now-

(Post in question)

XDD Sylvester has a tendency to be rather cursed-

@minnesotamedic186

I don't see why not! :}

(Post in question)

Indeed it is! I made a post talking about his backstory but I can't access my archive atm so I'll do a quick recap-

I don't actually know anything about madness combat. Some friends of mine were really into it and made a bunch of OCs and I wanted to be cool like them 🥺 so I made my own madness OCs based on what little knowledge I had.

His name is Casey. And he lived out in the middle of nowhere Nevada with two of his best friends in this giant armored truck that they built.

At some point they were caught in a burning building disaster, some bandits stole the truck and Casey's friends died in the fire. He wandered the wasteland alone for a few years.. before eventually stumbling upon the bandits camp.

He stormed into the camp and killed everyone, unfortunately his truck was nowhere to be found. He did however find this little girl that had been captured and tied to a tree.

Him and "Stefany" then traveled together for a few years before meeting a scientist named Eric. He had gotten separated from his group and was stranded. I had this idea that the people from the wasteland hate scientists. But Eric begged for help. They made a deal that if they brought this guy back to his lab, that he would give them this valuable thing from the lab. He agreed.

Eric didn't intend to keep his side of the deal. But after a few weeks of traveling together and bonding.. when they got to the lab he stole the thing and gave it to Casey. Getting himself booted off the lab team in the process.

So now the three of them travel together. Eventually Casey gets hurt really bad and the group has to camp out for a bit. While Stef was out looking for food, she saw Casey's truck in the distance. She went and hijacked it, kicking out the two bandits that were in it.

She drove it back to the camp but the bandits followed. There was a stand off between the bandits and Casey. When suddenly..

"..Casey? Is that you?"

The two bandits were Casey's friends he thought he'd lost. There's this tearful reunion, a lot of story telling and explanations.. and now they travel together as a family :)

Oh yeah and at some point Stef gets a (probably) rabid raccoon named kitty, even though there aren't animals in madness combat..? Apparently?? Idk I had barely any world knowledge when I made these characters <XDD

But now that I'm thinking about them.. I should draw them again some time.. 🤔 anyways, thank you for the interest and for the ask! It means a lot to me :}}

(video/link in question)

That's how I'd start probably. Then they'd build sandcastles, dig giant holes for no reason and play in the sea! :}

@couchwow

Sorry, I don't take drawing requests. :/ and considering my state, it's especially something I will not do upon request..

And what are you doing askin me to draw? 🤣 I've seen your work, you're quite the artist yourself! Why not draw it yourself? I know it'd come out great! :D (genuinely)

@astaherussy

I don't think much surprises the Mario Bros anymore. 😅 If they saw a crew of talking pirate cookies they'd just think "well this might as well be happening."

As for a bully on the ship, the crew would not tolerate any of that behavior towards Red. They'd shut that down real quick. ❌

@fallingbones

:DDD Thank you so much!! :}}}

@glitchhayden418

Jimmy's doin fine. And I'll draw what ever I WANT when I finally get over this, thank you very much! >:T ☝️☝️thank you tho :}}

[sincerealev]

idk if u draw evan w ben platt in mind but if you do you do a great job nd i love it !! i love his face (that sounds weird but im aure u get what i mean ahsjhsh)

I do, yeah!! :D (and thank you so much!! <3 /gen)

I've actually been drawing Evan based off of Ben ever since I started drawing DEH fanart in 2021. I was looking through my old art rn (march 2021-may 2022), and holy shit the evolution my art style and Evan design especially have had is actually insane 😭😭

I think I've also just always loved his face (like how you said LOL) so applying his features into Evan has always been fun 🕺🏻

I started off by drawing Ev resembling Ben a lot during his Bway run :0 My style was very stylized and cartoony but design-wise it kinda does look a lot like BP in 2017 lol

(more old art below which I don't like at all anymore but 😞 I do really wanna show the evolution of my Evan design)

Then the movie trailer came out and I immediately changed his design to have brown curly hair LOL (you can say everything you want about the movie but one thing I did absolutely love was his hair)

And then between late 2021 and early 2022 my style changed again, and I gave him more of a hooked nose, and made his hair blonde again 😌

and here we are now 🕺🏻 (it's not letting me add more pictures so I can't show more old art, but you get the point. You can probably find it on my blog too). I think he looks more like Ben Platt now than before LMAO

[yukkoislost]

i am BACK GODDDAMN sorry no magical girls or md omori to be seen atm 😞 i have ocs tho LMAO

listened to my heart?? and decided to draw ocs before i go absolutely insane. i mean i have three perfectly fine md ocs to work on so i might as well

i never did tell you what i had planned for asta huh

oc dump below cut that no one asked for <3

the three musketeers of my account HDJEHDHS

allow me to introduce them properly, i guess?¿ they each have their own individual posts but those posts were kinda rough around the edges,,

ASTA ✨

asta is my first (disregarding older ocs) md oc i've made. she's ridiculously smart (for the most part) but is also inherently a scaredy cat. she hates change and hates the unknown, sticking to a routine that she's used to for comfort.

like doll, she doesn't have her parents anymore and they're also partly the reason she doesn't have a courage. her parents' death had killed her curious spirit. they had always been more overprotective of her, considering they had both escaped unscathed out of the cabin fever labs situation.. (070 and 072, working on that) if asked, her strongest emotion is Fear. she's allowed it to control her life so much she doesn't know what it's like to live, despite being alive. because of this, even though she had been offered a spot with the cheerleaders, she didn't take it as it would mean a deviation from her comforting routine.

of course, her routine can't last forever. life in the bunker is boring but it was safe, and that's all she needed. (going into how she would be a part of the story? in progress though) she and uzi never knew each other personally. she sat at the back of the class while uzi was towards the front. she preferred not sitting too close to her because of her, uh, personality and actions? either way, she doesn't feel safe with uzi around because of uzi's inventive mind, and her tendency to do and create dangerous things (e.g., her sick as hell railgun. and also the whole braiden thing). asta wasn't necessarily shunned, she just had a small group of friends that she preferred sticking to (until doll killed them in the days going onto the promening)

getting the absolute solver string was NOT on her to-do list, but as mentioned, routine doesn't last forever. she hated the solver string and actively tried to ignore it, but it was difficult because if fucked with her systems and caused her to crave oil (which is a whole other thing and also the point where she finally accepted that she can't keep brushing away what she doesn't want to face). did i also mention she hears the solver's voice in the back of her head, because yeah that happens.

either way, since gaining the solver's string, she is also made aware that uzi and doll both had it but didn't try to reach out for help, still strongly controlled by her fear. my plan for asta was similar to how nori was the solver's secondary host (since cyn wasn't on copper-9 at the time), she would become puppet to the absolute solver, and in turn the third official host because of how lowkey she was and doll and uzi not knowing she had the solver. naturally, asta hated the idea of becoming a pet for the solver and constantly tries to override the solver's control on her (eventually succeeding. it leads the solver to want her death because it fears that asta will take over)

this is all canon divergence ofc :3

SERIAL DESIGNATION E 🐾

my second md oc, and first and only disassembly drone oc (for now? maybe haven't decided). serial designation E (also known as E or cerberus) is the outcast of his three-drone-squad. he had once tried to fit in better with the rest of his peers but after the first attempt, decided that it was too bothersome and they didn't deserve him anyway. or, that's how he phrased it in his lonesome.

he's the laziest of the bunch and hates any extra movement, preferring to kill prey quickly than to draw it out and have fun. he only hunts when his oil levels go down to 15% and if given the choice, he would've chosen to not need to eat at all. he isolates himself and has a small space set up away from the pod and essentially, his squad.

he didn't always used to be like this though, as mentioned whenever he tried his best to fit in with the rest, he did work hard. it wasn't enough though (nothing ever is). outcasted for his strange feature of having three nanite tails instead of one, he was always made fun of and in the beginning was also nicknamed Dog by his two other squad members since he wanted so bad to feel like he was needed and important to them, to the point he would willingly have done anything for them. but that was in the past. there's no point.

as a butler in the elliot manor, he has occasionally come across J, V, N and cyn. hard not to when they hang around the young mistress so often, especially J as her personal maid.. or something. he doesn't remember too well. much like his currently disassembly drone self, he took whatever shortcut he could find back in the mansion. he isn't a good person. he wasn't good then, and certainly isn't any better now. maybe a little. back in the manor, he hated doing work. he severely lacks motivation and seriously can't find a reason that he should be bothered other than the humans could kill him, or whatever. it didn't matter, or maybe it did? he wants to live (does he?) he doesn't remember.

anyway. that life is far behind him now. his squad was sent to copper 9 by JcJenson in spaaaaaaaaace (i forgot how many A's were in the space) to clear out the worker drones of course. he's got a chunk of missing memory somewhere in his head.. somewhere dark and somewhere fleshy. probablly not important. he remembers his quad but he can't find them, only alerted that a new pod and three new disassembly drones had landed– J, V and N (where was the other one? who was the other one? someone is not missing)

the forest breathes life into the dead landscape.

how long had he been asleep for?

OCTAVIERY 🦉

the oc that y'all would be familiar with. octaviery has more posts than asta and E combined (i think). the accidentally acquired child of N and uzi somewhere within the events of cabin fever

the good, quiet child of nuzi,, if you disregard his love for 'extreme sports' (read climbing into places he doesn't belong, and eventually getting stuck like an idiot). since his parents are both verbally loud and open, he never really had to ask for anything himself because his psuedo-parents dealt with it for him, leaving him to be the only introverted person of their small family.

he grows faster than a normal drone would, and thus reaches the age of a young teenager even while uzi is still in school. (yes, he is, in fact, taller than uzi. not taller than N though)

he doesn't know his true purpose.

AND THEN I GOT LAZY TO TYPE🤞

[rikeijo]

Today’s translation #750

Febri vol. 40, Hiramatsu Tadashi's interview

Part 13.

-- That you could count on support from the production side and their perseverance was probably the main reason, why you could polish up this anime so much.

Hiramatsu: It didn't happen even once that I'd been told that there was no more time so the cuts that I still needed to correct had to go as they were, without corrections. They were so patient that we were worried if it was really okay to still work even though we were so late. Of course, I think that an important part of it all was that people, who were watching the show, were so excited for it and the response to it was so great.

-- What kind of show Yuri!!! is for you?

Hiramatsu: I think it's a culmination of my career as an animator. Working on episode 1., I've already had this premonition that 'it will let me use and show off all the skills that I've gathered so far'. It also let me experience something that I have never experience before - drawing only men all the time. It was a board-range test of my skills as an artist. It was a show that was really worth working on.

-- If Yuri!!! ever gets a second season, would you like to work on it?

Hiramatsu: I don't think that it's possible that continuation of Yuri!!! will ever be created without the main staff that worked of season 1. I think that for Sayo-san it's: 'Of course we will do it! You will join the project, won't you?'. I still don't know if it will happen, though.

Notes: What Hiramatsu-san said at the end hits so hard... Yuri!!! is just one of those animes that can't exist without the original creators (no matter how much some 'fans' would love do get rid of them), because nobody can love the creation so much to sacrifice so much to make it, but them.

And that's why imo it's very possible that one part of the reason why such a strong and unbreakable Director as Sayo didn't make the continuation of Yuri!!! come true is that the main staff didn't feel like making more anymore... 😞]

[callsignbaphomet]

Some time ago I added a second small desk in my room and it worked out beautifully to comfortably put my admittedly oversived drawing tablet. Best idea tbh. I hated putting my tablet on the floor when not in use and I did try putting it on the desk but it made the desk so cramped and cluttered and I hated it.

Which is kind of hypocritical of me since I tend to dump everything on the desk anyway but with small things so it's easier to clean up and organize. Desk was dusty so moved around a few things, cleaned it up and reorganized the whole thing.

We have Jelani, my little pitbull from The Dog collection back in 2004 from the Happy Meals, covering the camera. I'd collected them all but this one was the only one that survived the horrific plushy purging when I was 15 😞. Here he is in all his glory!

Then we have Whiskey the Eevee and Martini the Dratini! They're boyfriends. Martini gets vertigo and leans on his boyfriend for support.

((The Dratini doesn't stand unless I lean it on something so I just put it next to the Eevee.))

Oh, I do have some old Funko Pops of some of my fave games. That Ghost is hilarious because I got that guy for 10 bucks at GameStop because the box was messed up. The cheapest you can get this guy now is $95 which is crazy lmao.

The 101 vault dweller is like 5 bucks right now which is also hilarious.

The Nord is 15 bucks currently.

It's wild to me that people are willing to pay crazy amounts for these things. Even wilder that people leave 'em in the boxes...I say as I leave the raptor in its box but as I write this I'm releasing it! The raptor was from an anime convention from last year and while talking to one of the FP sellers it was revealed that the Loki one I have that C got me for my birthday several years ago is over $50 which blew my mind. Dude's just sitting on a shelf in the hallway lol.

The cute t-rex is actually a little nightlight which I love so much. I'm not afraid of the dark but I can't sleep in absolute darkness by myself anymore. Since I go to sleep before C I just leave a small light on and when he comes in to sleep he turns it off.

And if anyone is curious the candles are lavender (purple) and vanilla coconut (blue). Room smells amazing.

Oh! The video I'm watching is an ongoing series of Fallout 4 settlement building with no mods. I so highly recommend it, Reagan is so wholesome and sweet. The channel is IfThenCreate.

Edit: here's the big ol' tablet lol

[pinkcreamypeach]

I can't take it anymore

I have to draw bullfrog in a dress or something, I've seen everyone doing it.

He's already pretty to me 😞

[distort-opia]

"There’s nowhere else to back away to, nowhere else to go. Brennan is coming, pieces of rotting skin almost hanging off from his skeleton, black blood staining his shirt, and what other choice is there? Joker leans forward and then smashes the back of his head against the glass with all the strength he can muster, listens to the ensuing crack"

Y'know, reading again FTS, do you know what this part made me remember? You know that issue after Batman leaves joker to die in that plane crash after Jason's death? Where Joker it's back but "without the joker"? Idk it just made me remember that time. Because in this scene he's walking backwards, trying desperately to walk away from Brennan, until he cannot do it anymore, because there's a wall. He can't turn back anymore, so he bashed his head at the wall. Because if he couldn't back off from the situation, then he would return to madness, where he could protect himself from the feelings, from his own humanity. I guess that's why this part made me recall this issue, because he was running away from the memories of Jason death (a point of no return for his relationship with batman, uh), he wasn't ready to be Joker anymore, because... it's strange to thing of that, everytime he returns to being "human" again, he start to feel pain again. Like, he can feel pain when he's joker, but he seems to like it. But at that situation the pain really hurt, like a human would feel. He wasn't ready to be Joker, but he couldn't stand be a human anymore. So he return to Arkham, where he slowly return to be crazy again.

Hey, now thinking again, it could be a great parallel, eh~? He killed Jason, return to being human, it hurt real bad 😞 so he forced himself to return to be crazy 😁 now pain gone, good. Now, he killed his own son (hah) , it hurt real bad 😔 so he will give himself a neat acid bath to return to madness, going crazy again, he would forget and then the pain would be gone 😁.

My dude can stand physical pain, but he draw the line at psychological pain...

Oh that's a great observation-- about the way Joker handles physical and psychological pain. When I wrote that I didn't think of it in such detailed terms, but it does make perfect sense. Joker's main coping mechanism, for everything, is running away; and sometimes that involves using physical pain to escape psychological pain. Also, that parallel with how Joker reacted after killing Jason vs. how he's reacting now after killing Brennan... yeah.

[shaibonbon]

Hey do you take requests

Short answer not rlly.

Complicated answer: As of right now, don't expect me to draw someone else oc, your oc or even mine without taking a few days. I got some free time but I'm only done with my exams day 8th.

I don't wanna sound rude by saying no 😞, bc i can think of scenarios where I do draw it. if it's an interesting/funny idea or request about smth I care about, ig why not ..?

I did it in the past with Tom requests, I care about his characters enough to try draw them (and they simple enough for my skill level), even tho it took me weeks to do it (sorry tom, pretty sure he doesn't ask me anymore bc of that- or the fact they kind look worse than bon drawings... :(( ).

If it's a character or a scene I don't think I can draw well, I won't do it 💀... Like furry I can kinda do them, but make it fluffy (like Snoep) and I have no idea how to do it without looking super weird

So yeah, Tdlr I'm still an amateur artist, who mainly just wants to draw what I want XD and it's usually bonbon (I will keep drawing bonbon till the end of days!! You can't stop me) . I know my limits in skill and I will refuse requests for characters I don't like (sorry sonic ocs, I'm Mario fan). If you still wanna ask, welp, if it's an oc you got or someone else oc, introduce me to their lore or personality, try to make me interested in them before asking me to draw them. I don't think that's asking much...? I try to be open minded..

[shatteredvanity18]

OC representation, PROJECT CLOVER.

PROJECT CLOVER.

Clover is my OC, a representation of S3xual Assault, and S3LF Harm. These are serious topics, that I used to put into.

If you are anyone is struggling with these topics please, talk to a consular, friend, parent or anyone you are comfortable with, if you cannot talk with anyone of the sort go on the website 13reasonswhy.info for helpline contact information provided by Netflix's show 13reasonswhy.

Clover is an OC used to represent these struggles in life, showcasing in my art how he feels about himself and how he sees himself.

the color red in the drawing represents how clover himself feels about his body, meaning that because he's been touched it's disgusting its filthy and ruined.. his skin won't be the same anymore because he's not innocent.

Red = touched, ruined.

The blue shows his innocence, as a person and how he feels again about his face.. he feels that the only place on his body that has any innocence felt is his face because no matter what he'd never let anyone touch his face.

Blue = untouched, innocence

And the yellow, the yellow is the most purest form of all.. he believes that his blood is yellow because it's his most purest self.. that the blood spilled can't be touched in ways he has been before, it's why he believes fully that everything inside besides his blood is ruined because he can't stop thinking about the hands. The red hands on him, taking away at his blue skin and turning it into a red color he hated. Yellow was his favorite. It's his purest form of self.

Yellow: pure.

So in turn the colors all together represent how clover (ofc as an OC) feels about everything he is, he thinks he doesn't deserve to be blue nor yellow because of the red skin on him now.

(and yes I know I used orange for yellow but listen they don't have a yellow on here.. 😞)

[lordfreg]

hi feg :)

HRU?? I havent been able to chat or talk 2 u or even CHECK UP in on u in awhile and im sorry 😞😞mb chat—

ANYWAYS. Here to checkup on the awesome wonderful talented amazing extraordinary artist and friend.

Have you . . . EATEN THREE MEALS, DRINKEN A WATERBOTTLE, SLEEP EIGHT HOURS AND TAKE BREAKS??

EEEEKKKKKKK HIIIIIII FREANKIIEEEEEE I MISSED YOU SOOO MUUCCCHHHH!!!!!! 🖤🖤🖤🖤💫💫💫💫💫💫💫💫💜🖤💜🖤🖤💜🖤💜🖤💜🖤💜💫🖤💫🖤💫💜💜🖤💫🖤💜🖤🖤💜

When I got this yesterday I basically said I was fine, but I'm going to be absolutely transparent; I am extremely unhappy

(tw su!c!de)

I think I don't think I'll be able to make it through next year. If I do, amazing! Epic!

But if I dont; it's not anyone's fault. Shit just happens sometimes and it's fine

I'm growing more and more exhausted and I'm breaking out in autoimmune rashes. My mental health has been on a decline, and I'm thinking about just dropping everything

I'm not getting help or the treatment I need. It hasn't been fun so far. As lexie can confirm, I freaked out a few days ago because of spiders

I'm working on saving to move out and go away for college because the mental health resources here are unhelpful, judgmental and gossipy

And im now finding out I may or may not have extreme psychosis and ASPD (antisocial personality disorder) and I don't want anyone to look at me differently for it. And I especially don't want people in this town knowing that.

My hallucinations are getting worse, I'm literally getting so exhausted I can't bare to draw for more than an hour a day. I want to draw nonstop, but I get tired like I just did gymnastics when I do.

So in conclusion; I'm not doing good and it hasn't been fun for me.

I might have parasites(???), but I haven't bene to the doctor in over 2 years because last time I went he took anxiety from my diagnosis because "I didn't look like I have anxiety"

I eat one meal a day, usually chicken, and have two protein shakes. I'm getting too exhausted to even get food anymore

I have powered through unhelpful lectures, exercise, daily chores, babysitting, work, family, etc.

It hasn't been fun to only work out because I'm angry. I've had 0 energy to do anything, and I haven't been motivated enough to do anything <- I literally had to put my phone down to rest

I literally am just typing my best to duck tape myself together so I can last a little longer. It's been really, really rough and I've been pacing in circles talking to myself because I don't have anyone to talk to.

Sure I have friends, but like, why would I ever say anything to them? Probably when I'm open and honest I sound like a complete pyscho hbhjjjjjkjjjnnj

I think the only thing keeping me from snapping is the fact I'm too tired to do anything.

Look, I'm really sorry if I disappointed you, or I seem like a cry baby, or I'm just a downer, I am in extreme mental turmoil constantly.

I am trying my best to keep it together.

Thank you for your time

[fantomette22]

E-EXCUSE ME?! (That drawing also made me think of how Ludwig's eyes were growing on his right shoulder too, so it could really be Moon's side effect but) EXCUSE ME! This theory sounds SUPER interesting?? So you think there were many Dolls mass-produced, and the one we meet in the Hunter's Dream is just one that "survived"? Or like what? Can you please elaborate, this sounds like a really unique take?

Oh you mentioned it on your reblog but yeah it is reminiscent of Ludwig! It's also really interesting how he's the only beast that obtain additional eyes... but instead of being in his head it create another head- ok anyway we'll talk about it another day let's go winter lanterns theory! XD

This time I will "try" to not divague too much on all the other theories & interpretations I know/have or we'll still be on it tomorrow 😂(sorry I failed)

Because if you ask me seriously what I think are the winter lanterns well I don't know 💀 I'm not sure at all what the hell are they, why they're here and how they came to life. I have/know tons of possible ideas. I guess for a fic I could choose but canonically I really don't know what they are for sure. (I won't be referencing the demake versions that is really cool btw or the comics ver because I haven't read it yet!)

So well I think everyone who played Bloodborne know what this abomina- I mean enemy is.

They have a part of the doll body (form, clothes, wooden joints hands and fingers like the doll) they're made are made of messengers and have eyes (like mensis brain) and inflicted frenzy like the giant brain. + they have those horrible little jaws... and they sing this...

I'm unsure some say it's Mergo's lullaby other said it's the hunter dream music, some said it's neither... so if someone know... because really idk. It's beautiful yet disturbing. the voice is too deep and distorded.

(Did you know the doll was supposed to hum a lullaby in her sleep? When she nap there's black corner on the screen like there's a dialogue but there's nothing, it's the last thing remnant of this cut content. it's actually in ver 1.00 apparently)

They can be found in the nightmare frontier (3 of them I think), the nightmare of mensis (5?) and the fishing hamlet (2) in the hunter's nightmare (dlc). (Ok 10 of them, add the doll 11, add Maria 12, like the 12 hours of a clock. COINCIDENCES?!?! cough couch sorry yes it's probably the case but still hahah it's funny)

Ok so about the theory I was referencing here and referenced once in a while. I originally saw it on reddit but sadly I can't find the link anymore 😞

Basically, the original speculation said that the winter lanterns could have been created by Mensis (eventually healing church), to take care of Mergo, if I remember well. And then they become corrupted by the nightmare.

After thinking about this and other theories I read concerning the doll (that she could have been created by healing church originally and Gehrman recover the doll after/was given to him and then he made the clothes etc) and the extra knowledge I have on Japanese dolls (yes I made researches oh jp doll and it's even more interesting than the European victorian era one ahah) I could share the following ideas :

That maybe the winter lanterns were originally created by the church/mensis to help them + hunters in the nightmares. Because it was too dangerous to let humans go there for too long. But eventually, because no one cared properly for them, after a while, they become corrupted (or after Mensis did their ritual) and well become like this*. They would have been created after the original dolls because that had lot of potential or smt. They have clothes really similar to the doll but also the black church attire and without the dlc they are highly associated with the lecture building aka linked with church & mensis.

It's interesting to note 2 thing :

Their name come from the alkekengi plant (more explanation on reddit). they are called Hozuki in Japanese. (they even made little dolls with the grain hehe)

*So about the dolls in general. I believed the doll in Bloodborne is highly inspired by the mourning doll from victorian era (I explained here a little) but it's interesting to see how they traditionally view dolls in Japan (because the devs are Japanese). If you're familiar with the culture/legend in shintoism/buddhism, they believe that objects and especially the one we cherish the most, have a soul. So they think dolls have a soul and they have special ceremonies to dispose of them when they aren't needed anymore called "ningyo kuyo". A way to thank them to have been there during childhood and to free their spirit by purification (burning them in a ceremony with prayers etc). But why? Well if it's not done it's believed that the soul stay but would become an evil spirit. because they were abandoned and not taken care of anymore. there's Yoke who might come from here or another good exemple : branette/banette the Pokemon

So... I wouldn't be surprised if that's why they turned into nightmares monsters. The doll was actually treat with care and respected, was loved. Not the others. They probably didn't even have a face...

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There's really tons of other speculations on them so have a few others here as well :

Some people think it's failed attempt to the doll creation and they were discarded/abandoned but it don't make sense to me, are at least not like this. it's also highly possible that's it's some kind of "echo" of the doll + messengers. the 2 thing that are supposed to be to always be safe and nice. Some think only the hunter/us could see them or see them like this. It's unclear.

Also I do headcanon in part that they could have been Maria very own nightmares (they do have horrifying similarities with the patients of the researches hall... and some they are always in the nightmares).

The patients head (alone) cause frenzy as well. I feel like if the experiments had succeed (obtained additional eyes on the inside, for the patients), it would have been way too similar to a winter lantern. + they look similar to the doll and if we go on the headcanon that Maria used to wear smt really similar to the female black church attire during her time at the research hall well...they're based on her too. I imagined she could have been plague by nightmares of those but it's really headcanons territory.

Another theory I saw earlier while doing researches : they could have been human actually who transformed, past black church female doctors or hunters, but that don't explain the wood hands or why they transformed and all the other guys just died.

So yeah there's way too much thing it's always really interesting to know what people think

Next time I might share my more detailed headcanon concerning their creation + the doll hehe.