#i can't deal with my own family trauma right now so I am hyperfixating on theirs

[ang3l0fde4th4ndd0gs]

Whatever you do don't think about Sirius staying up at night his first year at Hogwarts, talking to the stars because he missed his younger brother.

Whatever you do, don't think about how Sirius must have torn his hair out and screamed and cried for hours when he read Regulus' letter.

Whatever you do, don't think about how terrified Sirius must have been the first time he stepped between Orion and Regulus to keep Orion from harming his baby brother.

Whatever you do, don't think about all the unsent letters Sirius wrote to Regulus, begging him to come run away with him.

Whatever you do, don't think about how Sirius' heart dropped to his feet when he watched Regulus walk over to the Slytherin table during the sorting ceremony.

Whatever you do, don't think about how Sirius would turn into Padfoot and sneak into the Slytherin dorms just to see Regulus for even a moment.

Whatever you do, don't think about Sirius looking at James and seeing Regulus in his behavior.

Whatever you do, don't think about Sirius' heart wrenching sobs when he saw the mark on Regulus' wrist.

[grand-line-shenanigans]

My thoughts about Luffy and Emotions

(because I am having Sad Hyperfixation Hours in this house tonight, and I am going to make it everyone else's problem)

So like. So like. Something that I've noticed, since I've caught up with One Piece but especially since Luffy's backstory was reveled post-maroneford, is how little Luffy actually deals with his emotions.

I mean. His entire life pretty much revolves around two things: becoming the Pirate King, and protecting the people he loves. He's shown many, many times that he would sacrifice nearly anything to do those things. And it might not be entirely intentional on Oda's part? But it's really fucking frightening. This sort of applies to becoming the Pirate King as well, but for me, it's way more apparent in his determination to protect his crew and family.

So starting with his backstory since that's when I really noticed it for the first time (not counting my suspicion of a Tragic Backstory™ hinted at in Enie's Lobby). Clearly he's got some real trauma. Like, a lot of trauma. It tends to be downplayed I think, or like, made to seem less Awful compared to a lot of the other characters in One Piece? But when I really started to think about it, it was actually heartbreaking.

Luffy's List of Trauma (non-extensive):

Kicked Around Like A Basketball by Bandits

His idol getting fucking amputated by a sea monster right in front of him (in an incident that Luffy was partially guilty for)

"Yo random mountain bandits, take my grandson, I'm too busy to take care of him" - Shitty Gramps

Ace trying to fucking murder Luffy several hundred times in the first 3 months of their acquaintance

Bandits are Bad Parents

Ace trying to fucking murder Luffy (but this time with Sabo)

Kicked Around Like A Basketball By Bandits (but this time with knives)

Grey Terminal. Just- Grey Terminal

"You're gonna be a MARINE and if you WON'T be a Marine, then I'll KICK YOUR ASS UNTIL YOU DO BECOME A MARINE!" - Shitty Gramps

Fire at Grey Terminal

Sabo gets kidnapped

Sabo fucking dies

Probably way more that I can't remember off the top of my head

So he's got ALL THIS TRAUMA, and on top of that is this: he's lonely. He hates being lonely. He can't stand to be lonely, he would rather die than be lonely, he will imprint on anyone in his vicinity even if they're trying to murder him, and once he gets attached to someone, he will protect them until his last breath.

So what it all boils down to is a terrifying lack of self-preservation. A lack of any value, really, in himself. He just doesn't care about his own safety. Literally he does not give a shit. He'd fight god and everyone else in the universe to save one of his friends, and if he dies in the process then, well, his friend's alive and that's all that matters, right?

Anyways. How this all connects to emotions and shit is this. Really, apart from his dream to become the Pirate King, his whole personality, his whole identity revolves around his people. His crew and his brothers. And sure, he seems like he's got it all together, most of the time- he's a bouncy cheerful idiot with way too much energy- but looking deeper into his personality, after reading all 1024 chapters of One Piece, it just seems...almost fake, to me, sometimes.

Of course, not all the time- at his core he really is cheerful, energetic, you know, all the things he acts like. But he's also traumatized. And he never shows it, like, ever, except for in a few specific situations where he has literally lost everyone he cares about, right in front of his eyes, and been helpless to stop it. By which I mean, Marineford and Sabaody.

Except really? He does show it more often than that. Really, anytime someone's trying to take his friends from him. He just shows it in a different way. He gets angry, really fucking angry. It's like a switch is flipped, and suddenly he's this almost completely different person. And it is terrifying. Especially more so when I think about it now? Because really, the whole thing adds up to what seems like this: he ignores his problems. He ignores his trauma. It simply does not exist, he does not remember or think about it, it is completely wiped from his memory. Until something triggers it; until he is forced to face the risk of losing someone he loves, again, and not being strong enough to stop it, again, and something in him just. Snaps.

Of course he acts like this with other things too, like when Mouji wrecked Chouchou's pet food shop and when Don Krieg tried to take over the Baratie and really the list goes on; but it's always felt different when it was one of Luffy's friends directly being harmed. And if you think about the other incidents, too; Luffy is also heavily influenced by dreams, and by personal treasures. And really, it all loops back to his trauma as well; Luffy knows how it feels to lose someone or something you dearly love. He knows exactly how painful the feeling of helplessness is when you aren't strong enough to protect it. And something in that, in watching other people try and fail to protect what they love, I can see how it would hurt him too. How it would dredge up his own trauma, which he purposely and/or subconsciously ignores, and how he would want to stop other people from going through the same thing when he had the power to step in.

Anyways it's, like, midnight right now and I wrote this in a half-asleep daze, so I probably forgot things or got a bunch wrong. I really like talking so this was more a brain dump than a thought-out discussion point. But I LOVE TO TALK so I would be so so so happy to talk with someone other than the void, if you think you're annoying then you're wrong, human interaction makes me happy all the time. Ok I'm going to bed now goodnight

[monstrous-beauty]

Monstrous Beauty Text Posts

Jake: What (and i cannot stress this enough) the fuck/ sure. blame the guy who's a huge idiot who causes a lot problems, again/ Me in jail: so are you guys familiar with the cell block tango/ Apparently "the vibes are off" isn't a just excuse to leave work early/ what, from the bottom of my heart, the fuck/ what doesn't kill doesn't kill you/ yesterday at target the cashier said "your receipt is the bag* and I responded with "you too" so I've been dealing with that for the past 18 hours but I'm slowly coming to terms with it which is cool/ *enters my own password* i'm in/ due to personal reasons I will be cheating death/ *gets down on one knee* *gets down on the other* *doesn't get up ever*/ Not to be dramatic but if I don't get my life together I will die/ I have pure intentions, bitch! you can't kill me/ cop: can you describe the guy who stabbed you me: yeah he was not very friendly

Storm: Which is messier my life or my hair/ "I am unknowable" I say as I overshare my biggest childhood trauma's in the first conversation with someone/ I love laying the FUCK down and sleeping/ me: [vibrating slightly because I had too much caffeine] everything in the world is my fault/ my only goal in life is to destroy the space-time continuum/ i am a huge fan of space, both outer and personal/ Yeah sex is great but have you looked at common English words and then followed their systematic time changes back through Old English and Proto-Germanic all to the way to their Proto-Indo-European roots, whispered one of those roots out loud, and been overwhelmed by a sense of Lovecraftian insignificance as it dawns on you that you just reached back across scores of centuries and spoke a word older than civilization itself?/ but i don't have a hyperfixation i'll die

Adrienne: im so tired of this life. i want to be a roomba. i want knives taped to me. i want to be set loose./ are my prophetic visions a joke to you/ There has been a lady inside my head screaming for the past 10 years and u think taking a bath and doing yoga will stop her? U are wrong. She is a very mad lady and she will not be silenced/ Cranky because you haven't had any prophetic dreams to aid you on your quest aren't you/ i wish it was 1600 so i cood spelle words howe everr my harte destyred/ me: *hangs out with little kids and tries to teach them self love and feminist ideas*/ Pros and cons of wearing all black pros: hot as hell cons: hot as hell/ If someone points at your black clothes and asks you who's funeral it is, a look around the room and casual "haven't decided yet" is a good response

Solais: mentally i'm at least 5"11. physically? don't worry about it/ don't call yourself edgy unless you talk to dead people and have daddy issues/ im a simple gal. people raise their voices at me, i cry for an hour/ once i figure out how to hold a conversation it's frienship for you bitches/ me: *is tiny* me: (;'._.');/ no homo bro *thinks about you* thinks about you* *thinks about you* *thinks about you* *thinks about you* *thinks about you* *thinks about you*/ Listen man I'm just trying to wear soft sweaters and read my books and love myself/ i was put on this earth to eat bagels and be gay/ actually Ratatouille is the dish's name, you're thinking of Ratatouille's monster. im what the kids call

attention seeking/ me gay? why yes thank you for noticing/ on all levels except physical, i am a little heart shaped candy that says "i'm all yours!"/ nothing is awkward or cheesy if you don't give a fuck. i'm on this earth to have a good time. not to be cool./ i aspire to be one of those people who is known for always smelling good and treating people kindly/ big heart energy/ me @ you: >> this is my protecting women and girls knife/ doing violence tonight so watch out if you're weak to attacks/ why did my last two braincells have to be a sad one and a stupid one/ goes to the kitchen holds a knife in my hand for a while. puts it back. goes back to my room

Mal: these hands rated e for everyone/ forgive me father for I have sinned in all the coolest and most glamorous ways possible/ "I expected better from you" well that was your fault lmao i got nothing to do with that/ im beautiful im delicious i literally cannot die i want 200 dollars/ friendly reminder that i literally cannot die, and id love to see any of you fuckers try to take me down/ Slutty in theory but not in practice/ I just wannna be vaguely unsettling, not even scary or creepy, I just want people to look at me and feel like there's something A Little Bit Wrong but they don't know what when they tell the story of the slighty cryptid being to their friends later/ Hmmm gay rights but only for me i think? The rest of you are on your own/ i say i'm gay a lot for someone who is technically bisexual/ occupation: the family disappointment/ [steps on my emotions and grinds them under my heel] anyways/ i am evil and not straight/ me: breathes parents: I AM SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR ATTITUDE/ you ever listen to your dad talk and be like "why are you like this?"/ dont you hate when you wake up and you're awake/ oh god...oh fuck...*yearns*/ Due to personal reasons I'll be going feral/ Quitting school to become a plant who wants to join me we can make a forest/ Anyways! *climbs out of the scattered and ruined debris of my feelings*/ so what if i love you. shut up/ i ask myself 48 times a day "am I being dramatic? Is this #toomuch?" the answer is always yes of course/ *lawyer voice* eat a dick, your honor/ I may seem like an asshole but deep down I'm good person and even deeper down I'm a bigger asshole/ in my defense, i was left unattended