#i can't believe i was just at a Hozier concert

[linden-after-hours]

Hoe-zi-yeah

- me and my friends before, during and after the Hozier concert

[pettyprocrastination]

I turn 23 in 30 minutes

(discussion of mental health, depression, and body image/body weight).

I'm queuing this post ahead of time in hopes that by midnight I will be asleep like a responsible adult because I do in fact have work in the morning (fixing my sleep schedule is a slow and steady race I promise you all) but this is just a sort of. reflection? on my year and my thoughts on reaching another big age.

nobody needs to look at this- I'm just using this as a journal because I'm pretty sure mine is still in the trunk of my car from when I went on vacation.

anywhoo. I turn 23 in 30 minutes. And its. weird?

But still nice.

I started this year off in a horrendous spot.

I was 112 lbs, still working my shit retail job where i'd go and cry in the bathroom just about every single shift for the next two months. I didn't want to eat, sleep, shower, or interact with anybody. I hadn't felt like this since my stepfather died and even then it wasn't as severe. I hated myself and blamed myself for everything wrong in my life, I felt like a ghost in my own body.

But slowly, things began to improve.

I have a new job now, a 9 to 5 that I enjoy yet I'm unfortunately going to have to return to the job hunt soon so I can find one that gives me benefits as I can't stay on my family's health insurance forever (the joys of adulthood) but It still feels good to have that dedicate schedule where I get to work with my hands and get paid for it every Monday through Friday.

I'm spending more time with my friends. Last week I spent a week at the beach with a dear friend of mine and a collection of her own friends, none of which I had met before. I was absolutely petrified initially but had the time of my life with them all, ending the wonderful experience with going to my first ever concert and crying from the joy of it all. (it was hozier.)

I'm pushing myself to do more and go out- I'm in a coaching position for my roller derby league, I recently attended a practice scrimmage with players who have been in this sport for 8+ years and while I fully believed I didn't belong in this space, I was able to hold my own and had so much fun getting to play with all of them. I don't know if i'll be able to try out for the state league because of scheduling- but maybe some day further down the line.

I took a day trip out of state to go to an all women's gym with friends at my university before I graduated. One thing to know about me is that I go to the gym alone about 99.9% of the time. I'm not good at social situations, especially ones in new areas so the notion initially was one I was ready to dismiss- but how often do you get chances like that?

I've signed up for my first ever powerlifting meet. I'm still very new to the gym with less than a year of weight lifting under my belt, but i've told myself this is the year to push myself and become somebody I'm proud of nobody how hard it is going to be. I've always loved powerlifting and want to get into the sport so bad but I can't afford a coach nor do I want to sign up for a full competition without knowing the ins and outs of the first event. I found a local deadlifting competition for a pride foundation next month and signed up for it with the goal of increasing my deadlift by at least 10 lbs by then. I'm simply competition against myself and trying to see how much I can progress during that time, which is something I really love about the sport. I'm still a fucking lightweight loser when it comes to heavy lifting- but at least this way I'll be able to see what a meet is like and learn what to expect.

I started going to therapy beginning of February/late January. It's been a saving grace honestly. Having an unbiased professional I can sit and talk and cry to has been quite the saving outlet. I rent a private study room at the library once every week for our meetings and it's become a little ritual of my own that i'm quite fond of now. (take this as your reminder that your local public library has so many amazing resources that even if you don't read often you can still use!!) though I've only been going for a few months, it's helped me drastically in how I view myself and letting others in during moments of weakness.

I'm allowing myself to rely on my friends. It isn't easy. And honestly sometimes I fucking hate it and feel pathetic for it- but my friends have been there for me so goddamn much within the past few months I honestly don't know where I'd be without them. There are days where I'd rather curl up In my bed and not speak to a single soul about how I feel because there's nothing I fear more than being a burden to those I love- but I have to remind myself that they want to be there for me the same way I want to be there for them. If they need me to pull back they'll simply communicate that desire and I will do so, but I can't keep assuming the worst when I need to rely on somebody for love and support. It's hard to not feel like a burden in those moments, that I'm exhausting those I love- but I also know I would do the same for them any day of the week. "Shared joy is double the joy, shared sorrow is half the sorrow".

I'm back at 124 lbs. I know it may not seem like much to others but gaining back that 12 lbs over four months has been such an uphill battle not only due to my own genetics+metabolism that makes gaining weight a fucking pain in the ass, but also keeping myself accountable when my mental health is at an all time low to still eat full meals and take care of my body. The moment I stepped on the scale and saw those numbers I cried real tears. I still want to gain more weight, but seeing that improvement helped me realize I am in fact improving and not just staying in this permanent transition period of stagnation for the rest of my life as I've feared.

I'm kinder to myself. At least, I'm trying to do so. I've found that the reality of life is that it's infinitely easier to blame yourself for everything and rot in self loathing rather than take a step back to go "actually- that's not true" and find the strength to go forward while also being aware of what you can do to better yourself as a person, not just for others, but for your own sake at well.

That being said- not every day is meant for self-analysis and introspection. Some days it's okay to just cry and eat some fucking candy bars on the couch my friends.

I'm slowly finding the joy and energy to write again. It's been a hassle to do so- working a 9 to 5 while also going to the gym and then doing chores leaves very little time and energy for other passions- but I've found it's annoying but meaningful work to dedicate time for the little things that make you happy. I've started by promising myself to limit my screentime by not using my phone as much during the day- my lunch breaks at work are spent typing away on a little e-ink word processor I treated myself to instead of doom scrolling on my phone. I've written three short little stories on it, some of them fanfiction others are not- while also beginning a horror project that i've thought about for a year now and want to see where it will go in the end. It's nothing as grand at the 10k beautifully written fics you all create- but I'm finding my passion again and it feels quite nice. I'd like to create something submission worthy this summer, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

I'd like to set myself the goal of being able to afford an apartment next year. My family plans on moving cities within a year so it will give me time to save up more money and maybe even get back to making little things on the side to help earn some extra pocket cash for that dream while also paying off my student loans.

I'm not anywhere near the woman I thought i'd at 23 when I was 18 years old. I still live at home, I'm not using my major for my career, nor am I doing anything particularly astounding in my life. But I think that it's okay- and I'm proud of the progress I have made to get myself to this position.

Tomorrow I will spend my birthday at work. Then I will go for a walk (or perhaps a skate?) listen to some music, treat myself to a little sweet drink in my budget and then go see the challengers movies. Maybe with my friends, maybe by myself. I'm not sure yet. I will likely cry at some point during the day, I always do on my birthday.

But I know that I am growing. Even if Its hard to see.

[bisexualvampires]

HEY!! happy 5th 3 year anniversary beloved!!! excuse me getting sappy for a minute but I'm so happy for that stupid insane day and everything that followed because we found each other and became besties because of it. like, can you believe that?? we might never have gone to mcr together. or hozier. twice!! we might not have a meetup next month and another next July to see the destiel concert together and that seems insane now bc I can't imagine not having you in my life and messaging you silly little things and sharing ideas and getting to enjoy the amazing things you make and just. All of it!! Anyway, love you muchly dearest and cheers again to the angel and hunter and what they've done for society 🍻🥂

WAHHH happy 3 years of those silly little fellas being in love (confirmed)!!!! bestie my heart is gonna explode omggg i was just thinking about how long that show has been in my life and the absolute rollercoaster it’s put us all through and i have to say my favourite part of it all was meeting you though it 💕 i don’t even wanna imagine a world where we didn’t meet at mcr or hang out at hozier omg. always having a meet up to look forward to is truly a little miracle 🥺 i mean i would hang out with you any old day for any old reason and it would be the BEST but i love that hozier just keeps pulling the strings for us :’) i love our insane little chats and how you always!!! get it!! you’re so smart and kind and TALENTED and are such a gift and bring SO much joy and just. ahhh you mean the world to me and i’m so so happy i get to see you next month!!!!! i love you so dearly <3 cheers to those miscommunicating idiots for breaking their narrative and altering our timeline 🥂

[forestshadow-wolf]

Hi I hope this is okay to send but I don’t have anyone I can ask irl about this.

I know you’re a fan of Hozier and very pro Palestine, Hozier is my favourite artist and has been for a number of years. I’m going to one of his concerts in the near future with my family and I think I’m the only one who knows about his pro Palestine speeches during his concerts. My family aren’t Zionist’s but at least one of them still believes the lies about Hamas killing babies and the others don’t know enough to have an opinion. I’ve tried talking a little bit about what’s going on but it didn’t go well so now I’m unsure if/how to bring up Hoziers speech’s with them. Do I just let them find out on the night? Or do I tell them in advance? I’m sorry to dump all this on you but I really don’t have anyone else I can ask.

Okay I was about to go to bed but I've just seen this and I figure I should answer it before I forget in the morning.

Full disclaimer I myself am not fully educated on the topic and my blog is definitely not the most politically educated blog out there, but I try my best to spread what I do know when I can. And also my advice is not official, but I can help work out some ways this particular situation might play out and that way you might choose from there.

So it sounds like your family is mostly unopinionated, aside from the few who you mentioned. I might suggest trying to convince those few family members that it is infact the opposite, I know there are plenty of pictures and videos showing what the effect that the Israeli forces have had on Gaza.

I obviously don't know how the talk about zionism went over exactly, but to me, it seems like they may either A) ignore or not acknowledge Hozier's speech or B) it might get them thinking about it, and have then considering their views on the matter, it might benefit them to hear it from someone who is "official", but that also might depend on what/how strong their opinion of Hozier is.

I think, maybe, don't be quiet about being pro Palestine, but let them find out on their own about the speeches. At the very least, that's what I would do, but of course every situation is different.

I am sorry I can't help more, but please don't be sorry for reaching out. My askbox and messages are always open.

And please, whatever decision you choose, let it be the safest option for you. Even if it feels wrong, it's better to be safe where you are, especially if you don't have a way out. I know you probably already know that, but I've heard worse happen for less, and I don't want any of you in a dangerous position.

[umazane-muesli]

Jukebox January: Day 14

I know, I'm late (again) but I could simply not miss the day that contained my Most Beloved <3

(I finished this in the middle of the night so I'm queuing it for the morning, you do not want to know at what ungodly hour I'm still awake)

Today: songs starting with N

Novi Val - Joker Out

Obviously I had to open with this one. My favourites may change and fluctuate, but I will always have a special place in my heart for Novi Val <3 it was my most listened song of 2023 because I am a basic bitch who loves a rock ballad (does it count as a rock ballad? idk) with silly little hopeful and earnest lyrics. I also love that when they play it live they all come to the front and chill and hold each other (except at the concert I went to, Jure didn't come to the front :( ) I can only apologise to whoever was in front of me at the concert for the person I became when they played it, I know a worrying amount of the lyrics and I got a bit carried away 🙃

La Noche Sin Tí - Los Huayra

I got absolutely obsessed with this song when I was in Argentina, I don't know what else to say, I love the vibe, the vocal harmonies, and the memories it brings back :)

November Rain - Guns N' Roses

Oh, an overdramatic 80s power ballad? In my Jukebox January? You don't say 🙄 anyway, yes I know, I'm predictable, yes I know, this song is 9 minutes long, but also it's great, so 🤷🏻‍♀️

No Big Deal (I Love You) - dodie

This slow, emotional song is one of my favourite by dodie, and the 3-rythm (idk what it's called in english) in the bridge(?) makes me lose my entire mind i love it so much.

Need A Little Love - The Fratellis

Sorry for putting you to sleep with all my beloved ballads, I promise that's not all I listen to. As proof, here's a dancey bop from The Fratellis :)

Ni Panike and Ne Hvala - Masayah

Masayah is one of my favourites among the many Slovenian artists I've discovered last year! I didn't know which song to choose (I could've honestly filled this post just with songs starting with the word "no" in one language or another), so you get two for the price of one. If you're a rap or hip-hop person, go listen to Ne Hvala, and if you prefer a more groovy, jazzy song, Ni Panike might be for you :)

New Born - Muse

I'm not the resident Muse person in this tag game but I need to shout out this song anyway, it's a great song with banging instrumentals and a very cool build up.

Noche - Sofiane Pamart

I have listened to a lot of Sofiane Pamart in 2023, and I could recommend so much of his music, but let's start with his last solo single. He makes beautiful piano music, kind of romanticism-inspired, but more contemporary, and also collaborates with a lot of french rappers.

NGVOT (Live from Arena Stožice) - Joker Out

Yes, of course this one was going to make an appearance, and yes, of course it has to be the live version. I loved this song on the studio album already, but after months of losing my entire mind over every tiny clip of Kris singing it at various concerts, I'm glad we have a beautiful clean version to listen to whenever we like <3

(Wow I can't believe I have "song lyric that I sacrificed for a stupid pun (username version)" and "song lyric that I sacrificed for a stupid pun (blog title version)" in the same post lol)

And a few bonus ones:

- Needle - Born Ruffians

- No Wahala - 1da Banton

- No se va - Morat

- No existen los milagros - Amaral

- Na soncu - Siddharta

- Never Be Me - Miley Cyrus

- Nevermore - Queen

- Nina Cried Power - Hozier

[darling-archeron]

Ho Ho Hello! I’m back with another snippet!😌

We’re only one week out until the posting window opens, but I’m probably going to begin posting it closer to the 23rd or 24th, when I finally get to head home bc work ends for the holidays. The gift is still coming along nicely, though right now it’s looking like it won’t be completely finished, so I’ll be posting chapters probably once or twice a week to allow for final edits (unless I manage to actually get it done in the next week! 🤞🏻)

Any holiday plans this year? Other than me going home I won’t be doing much, probably just a lot of reading and trying to hit my book goal for the year (I’m 11 short right now😳)

Also what if I told you meet me in the woods is Also on the playlist? 😂 I was choosing between the two for the last message and was so glad to see you also think that mmitw is a Rhys song!!!

That’s so exciting you have hozier tickets!!! I’ve been putting off getting them bc I’d be going alone (and I also need a paycheck first 😅) luckily I live in an area where I could theoretically go to one of three concerts without being too far out of the way, so there’s still plenty of single seats available, hopefully it stays that way🤞🏻

And I’m trying not to pressure myself over word count but it’s def a long fic and around 30k now😅 (which is around twice the length of my next longest fic😬)

And for the snippet:

Rhys was slouching on a chair, one leg thrown over an armrest, the other flat on the ground to keep him from sliding right out of the seat. He had a full glass of wine in his hand, but there were two discarded bottles laying flat on the plush rug, so he’d obviously been drinking for a while.

And, on the couch next to him, sat the most beautiful woman Feyre had ever seen in her life. She had golden hair and brown eyes that seemed to draw Feyre in, despite the fact that the woman couldn’t see her.

“You can fix things,” the woman said, and Rhys groaned like he’d heard it before and didn’t believe it.

“No I can’t,” he whined, bringing the goblet up to his lips.

💜,🧑🏻‍🎄

Omg Santa, this snippet has me so excited!! Rhys being a drama queen?? Drunk Rhys?? I'm absolutely here for it. These snippets have me so excited!!

Not going to lie, hearing that we're only a week out from posting was like a bucket of cold water because I still have some major work to do for my giftee, but I'm also super excited for reveals! I feel like we're definitely going to have to exchange playlists because it seems like we have very similar tastes in music. :)

I'm also super short on my book goal, I'm currently trying to read Fourth Wing before my ebook is due back at the library but I don't know that I'll be able to finish it....I miss being 16 and being able to consume a 900 page book in like 3 days haha.

I don't have any crazy plans for the holidays either! Just some time with close family. It sounds like you have a cozy time ahead of you.

I really hope you're able to get Hozier tickets! It sounds like it's going to be a great show.

Absolutely don't pressure yourself over word count! I'm someone who does this all the time so I completely understand, but it also sounds like you're having fun writing it and I'm so glad!

I can't wait to find out who you are, Santa, you have me very curious!

Have a great weekend <3333

[thewardenofwinter]

Hi Morana!

How are you doing? How is the writing going, what are you up to?

Greetings Sam, thank you so much for this ask! I've been meaning to do a little update for a while and this gives me a perfect excuse lol

On life (tw for mentions of illness):

It's still very hectic at the moment which hasn't really allowed me time to pursue any creative avenues. I've been fighting off various illnesses since my younger brother started school because my immune system isn't used to all the germs he's around, including covid and strep, and on top of that there was a West Nile Virus outbreak in my state which my mom ended up catching and had to be hospitalized for a few days but she's doing a lot better now. We still have not found a place to live yet, but we managed to finagle two more months from our landlords to find a place since moving during the summer is damn near impossible when they rack up the prices and everything is being taken. There's also a lot going on in my more personal life that's left me quite stressed and lethargic. A little bright side though is that we also found two itty bitty stray kittens under a house and I had to take care of them for almost 2 weeks, but they ended up getting adopted which is great! They were both very cute gray tabbies like their mom, and they were technically my other cat Ivan's half-siblings. I've also got a queens of the stone age and hozier concert coming up soon which i am SO hyped for, my entire life has been In Times New Roman and Unreal Unearth for the past weeks.

On writing:

In the past few days, I've finally found some peace to write and draw some. I've been mainly focusing on The Resurrectioners and trying to get at least 50k words by the end of October. I've also been outlining The Stray Girls and trying to work on a cover in Photoshop (which i got recently totally legally, but i usually just use Clip Studio). I've sort of put What We Undertake on the backburner for now, it's not that i don't want to work on it or am burnt out, it's just that I'm not nearly as passionate about furthering the plot like I am with The Resurrectioners. I've sort of fallen into a hole of mythology and folktales about necromancy trying to learn more about the history behind its representation.

I've also gotten back into drawing now that I've actually had time to do so lol. Here’s some drawings I’ve gotten done recently!

(in order from left to right: Nazriya from The Resurrectioners, Circe from Give No Quarter, A quick sketch of Zekiah from The Resurrectioners, and a face study of Charlie Hunnam)

I've also put off studying Russian for a month or so and am trying to get back into my one-hour-a-day studying routine I had previously which is taking a toll on me to be honest lol. I bought the Curse of the Pharaohs DLC for AC Origins and I've also started to play Assassins Creed: Liberation for the first time and so far I'm loving both. I can't believe some people say it's the worst installment. I'm working on Aveline fanart as we speak.

But yeah! There's a little update, I'm going to be posting some of my writing soon/doing a few tag games to get back into the groove of things so watch out for those. Thanks again Sam for checking up on me and sending the ask!

[albanarthan]

How was the Hozier concert?<3

hi!! it was amazing!!! he's so cool fr,, I can't believe I got to experience that ~~

he played an unreleased song too, which was incredible (I, carrion!!), The album is going to be so good frfr

Yeah just,, overall an insanely good experience seeing him live (considering getting tickets to the December shows already lmao)

[irl-hell]

it's the law of the land that I must return here with every big life event.

I am so very loved. I have friends who love me dearly. they take every opportunity to let me know so. it's something I'll never forget, and god willing never take for granted

tomorrow I start college. which is fucking crazy. like it feels right to say but also??? if you told me 3 years ago that I would be going to college for video production??? that I would be in honors society??? that my dreams are genuinely no longer dreams??? god... what the fuck

I'm writing a lot of poetry lately. I've been learning Gaeilge. I attended a hozier concert. i finally got into Sherlock Holmes (another fucking insane thing that if you told me 3 years ago I wouldn't believe you).

life is just good. and im still in pain, and anxious, and I'm having flashbacks and unpacking different traumas slowly. but it kinda keeps me in check in a way. I can't take all I have for granted if I have constant reminders of how bad it has been and could be. so I'm living in the moment most of the time. I'm praying to my heart first and foremost. I'm excited for the future.

[longeyelashedtragedy]

july 2024 favs

this was an interesting month...after listening to the exact same things more or less for 3 months straight, i finally switched to different music! it's been a blessing!

the highlight of the month is:

fine art by kneecap (a hip-hop group from west belfast) recommended by zuzu...this is just ON repeat ever since. it also has some of the best production i've ever heard and i am a...Connoisseur of Production...every part of it is so well put together! if you like hip-hop with sort of experimental/rave-y features go read more about it! and listen! it works for everything: sitting and chilling, driving on empty backroads at 1am, public transit, walking around to do errands, making the gym pass by in a flash, cleaning...literally so good. i think it helps to understand the references which conveniently, i do, but still. "harrow road" is my favorite track BUT the entire album is unskippable, and the interludes between some of the tracks make it even more fun to listen to as a full album in order. i can't say enough!!!!

in the same vein, some other tracks of theirs that have autoplayed:

get your brits out (ditto that on the references...good if you know things about DUP politicians. i have Knowledge only my locked twitter knows about lol)

amach anocht

H.O.O.D.

i had been really enjoying brat...no one is immune to brat summer...but now that it got associated with the presidential election it has lost every ounce of appeal. i literally can't believe there are people who think that's cool? that's like when you're a teenager and your mom wants to come to a concert with you or something idk. so unfortunately i took it off july list... "sympathy is a knife" is as good as everyone says it is...honestly there's a lot of good tracks, maybe some of them will appear on the august list

OTHER MUSIC

sakha - rikhter (rikhter is real techno 4 real techno people...i'm sure i've had some of his music on here before?...the unexpected 90s 'pump up the jam' vibe piano in the middle makes this stand out. plus the video)

damage gets done - hozier/brandi carlile (honestly? this might be the best lyrics on the album? i basically never listen to a song for the lyrics)

mija - pryda

sugarcane (remix) - camidoh etc (this would fit in on my 2019 summer playlist lol...which is a big compliment because that playlist was amazing)

soso - omah lay

nobody's safe chump - EPMD

so whatcha sayin - EPMD (i've never not had beef with philly, but the last 4 songs are from our trip to see arsenal...every uber driver there had the best music on lmao)

this dude who recreated the beverly hills cop song on his synthesizers

****

sail away ladies/sugar shack - alicia jo rabins

baby baby - amy grant (ok this song is so good that it's escaped 'april may june playlist' containment)

click click boom - saliva (for some nostalgia lmao)

kings - ledri vula (there's ALWAYS an albanian song)

walpurgisnacht - faun (this isn't really my fav genre of music but i always enjoyed this song lol)

[tobesokaylee]

Happy 10th 💕💕💕

tumblr really is a hellsite 😡

Anyway the game awards kinda killed me and I slept like 11 hours last night to catch up on sleep XD

I am a MASSIVE Soulsgame player so I was super excited to see Elden Ring win GOTY XD but Stray looked really cute too

I loved the show, big fan of Geoff Keighley, too. And Hozier's performance <3

First concert ever? You must be sooo excited It's gonna be amazing. I saw him twice this year 💕😭💕 (would've been 3 times but I got covid 😞)

I still can't believe I even got to see him at all though. I wish you the absolute most fun ever. Are you going to queue? Have you decided yet if you're going to queue early? I did for one of the shows and the line was soooo much fun, but I liked the other concert better tbh. So whatever you wanna do you're gonna have a great time.

And you're seeing Louis 💞💕💖💕💖💞💖💕💖💕💖💕💖💕💖💖💕 I still get this mushy feeling whenever I see pics or videos from my shows. Soo fucking special

I hope you'll like my writing XD I have a hard time liking anything i do, so i usually have to just send it to my beta asap so I can't be tempted to delete everything 😂 But you can't get better if you don't practice ig XD

Read you tomorrow 💓💓

Hey Dear!

I really wanted Stray to win GOTY but only because I am extremely bias to Cats because I have one 😌.

And I’m not sure yet! The group I’m going with, we haven’t ironed out the details just yet, but I am so excited to share the air as Louis and other fans 🥺 it’s something I’ve been dreaming of since I joined the fandom so long ago.

I am the same way and that’s why I probably have so many unfinished drafts and ideas in my docs 💀.

Until tomorrow ❤️

[tartt9]

Jamie's been asked why he did Lust more than he can count, at this point. The answer, to strangers, has always been the same - thought it'd be fun, thought it'd boost m'brand. Who knows what Jamie's life would be like if he'd stayed with Man City that season. Maybe he'd have a smaller shirt number than 51 by now, maybe not. Maybe he'd be in the starting XI by now, maybe not. All he knows is the reality - he left City after two weeks of their Premier League season to do Lust Conquers All, and he doesn't regret it. He's where he's meant to be. With Richmond, wearing his familiar 9 kit, with a group of men that he loves, that love him in return. He's safe in London. He's happy in London. The choice he made was the correct one for him.

He doesn't recognise her. Jamie listens to plenty of music, sure, but half of the music he listens to he wouldn't know what the artist looked like if they were standing in front of him like this. The first time he'd found out just how tall Hozier was was at the concert Jamie attended in London at the end of July. As a kid, Jamie thought that Roy Kent was the tallest man he'd ever meet. Finding out that Hozier is taller than Roy had been both shocking and hilarious.

"Yeah, a couple of my friends spend entire movies on their phones, like they're lookin' up fun facts about every other actor that shows up on screen." Jamie doesn't know if that's why Bumbercatch and Colin are always on their phones, of course, but it seems like it is. Then again, though, he'd fully believe that every fact that came out of Bumber's mouth is something he's had stored up in his brain for years, just waiting for the opportunity to say it.

His lips purse up in a pout when she says he wasn't her favourite. "Okay, ouch," he says, raising a hand to his chest. "Who were your favourite, then? Cause I was the fittest one there by far." Maybe Americans just had bad taste. "Jamie," he replies, shaking her hand. "My body's significantly better now than it were then." He can't think of any other way to prove himself better than the rest of the men he was on Lust Conquers All with; the whole show was about physical sex appeal, about being fit, looking fit, and fucking. It's not like claiming he's smarter now, or pointing out that he'd won Premier League Player of the Month would do him any good in a conversation where all he's worth is his sex appeal.

                               ——  ✞ ; 𝗜𝗧'𝗦  𝗖𝗟𝗘𝗔𝗥  𝗕𝗬  𝗧𝗛𝗘  𝗙𝗜𝗗𝗚𝗘𝗧𝗧𝗜𝗡𝗚  𝗧𝗛𝗔𝗧  𝗠𝗔𝗬𝗕𝗘  𝗠𝗘𝗡𝗧𝗜𝗢𝗡𝗜𝗡𝗚  𝗧𝗛𝗘  𝗥𝗘𝗔𝗟𝗜𝗧𝗬 𝗧𝗘𝗟𝗘𝗩𝗜𝗦𝗜𝗢𝗡  𝗦𝗛𝗢𝗪  𝗜𝗦𝗡'𝗧  𝗧𝗛𝗘  𝗕𝗘𝗦𝗧  𝗜𝗗𝗘𝗔.  sawyer  isn't  oblivious  to  the  fact  that  sometimes  doing  a  show  like  '𝗹𝘂𝘀𝘁  𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗾𝘂𝗲𝗿𝘀  𝗮𝗹𝗹'  is  a  means  for  survival  —  even  if  often  times  it  has  the  opposite  effect.  she's  grown  up  in  the  industry,  seen  how  people  manage  to  𝘀𝘁𝗮𝘆  𝗮𝗳𝗹𝗼𝗮𝘁  and  the  different  types  of  tactics  used  to  stay  where  they  are  in  their  career.  rebranding  is  one  of  them  she  sees  the  most,  a  small  (  or  very  large  )  pivot  from  ones  typical  persona  that's  gotten  them  to  where  they  are.  unfortunately  for  jamie,  sawyer  is  𝘁𝗼𝗼  𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗰𝗲𝗽𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲  𝗳𝗼𝗿  𝗵𝗲𝗿  𝗼𝘄𝗻  𝗴𝗼𝗼𝗱;  and  judging  by  his  slight  change  in  demeanour,  it's  clear  to  sawyer  that  television  isn't  what  he's  hoping  to  be  recognized  for. 

                               a  celebrity  in  her  own  right,  sawyer  can  𝗿𝗲𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗲  ���𝗼  𝗯𝗲𝗶𝗻𝗴  𝗿𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗴𝗻𝗶𝘇𝗲𝗱,  to  having  people  look  at  her  a  little  funny  as  they  go  through  their  little  rolladex  to  figure  out  just  who  she  is.  it's  been  a while  since  she's  been  on  the  opposite  end.

                                ❛  it's  one  of  my  talents.  though,  i'm  also  that  annoying  friend  that  points  out  the  more  obscure  actors  i  recognize  in  movies.  you  know  the  one.  ❜  she's  rambling,  a  byproduct  of  the  fact  that  she  can  tell  she's  made  him  a  𝗹𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗹𝗲  𝗯𝗶𝘁  𝘂𝗻𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗳𝗼𝗿𝘁𝗮𝗯𝗹𝗲.  the  question  about  the  win  has  her  folding  her  arms  across  her  chest  and shrugging,  looking  over  his  slightly  wounded  expression,  ❛  i  was  shocked  when  you  were  voted  off,  i'll  tell  you  that  much.  were  you  my  favourite?  no.  ❜  she's  honest,  maybe  too  honest,  ❛  but  maybe  you  could  change  my  mind.  ❜  a  slightly  cheeky  grin  passes  over  her  features  before  she  holds  a  hand  out  for  him  to  take,  ❛  i'm  sawyer,  by  the  way.  ❜

[mrbinglee]

saw hozier last night and it was a transcendental experience. new epoch of my life beginning today. all about love and death and forests and rebellions

[watchmegetobsessed]

BABY IT'S COLD OUTSIDE

A/N: guuuysss!🥳🥳 i have reached 8k followers, i was really hoping to get here before the end of the year and you did it!! thank you so much, i can't believe there's so many of you already! thank you for the support and for allowing me to have this safe space here, it means so much to me🥰 and now, as i promised, accept this celebratory fic! its kinda festive, has famous!yn in it which i know you guys love, so have fun reading!

PAIRING: Harry Styles X Singer!Reader

WORD COUNT: 4.2k

masterlist

“Ladies and gentlemen we are back with this year’s best new artist according to the Grammy’s, Y/N Y/L/N!”

The audience claps and cheers as you smile and wave around, a bit nervous but definitely excited to be here. Jimmy Fallon himself is clapping along with them before he grabs his cards to make sure he knows where the interview is heading.

“Thank you for being here tonight with us, Y/N.”

“Thank you for having me, Jimmy.”

“This is your first time here and if I’m not mistaken you haven’t had many interviews like this before.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty new to me. I mean, my career took off not that long ago and it’s been very busy ever since then. I did more of the quick, red carpet interviews,” you explain with a soft chuckle.

“I can imagine how busy it’s been, your single, Boy Talk basically launched to every number one spot in just a few days, that’s crazy!”

“Yeah, kind of happened overnight,” you chuckle as the audience cheers on your success.

“You started off putting covers out, writing music in your room, you had a YouTube channel, right?”

“Yeah, it was my hobby, it’s what I did whenever I had some free time.”

“A-And then you had a record deal, you made your first album and Boy Talk was the first single.”

“Exactly,” you nod. You’ve heard the exact same story told so many times over the last one and a half year and you’ve told it yourself countless times as well, but it will never get old. You dreamed of this for so long, you’ll enjoy every moment of it to the absolute fullest.

“Oh, and let’s not forget about how you won your first Grammy this year!”

“Thank you,” you chuckle softly, as the crowd cheers once again. You’ll never get tired of hearing about this achievement. “Wow, it’s still so weird to hear it, but I love it,” you admit giggling, pulling your shoulders up to your ears.

“It’s amazing, definitely a turning point in your career, right?”

“Absolutely, a kind of pressure comes with it, being not just an artist but a Grammy winner artist, but it also motivates me to be a better artist every day.”

“Of course, I can only imagine what it feels like, but so far, you’ve been doing great. Another change has happened recently, if I’m not mistaken. You changed labels this past month.”

“Yes, I got signed by Columbia Records and I really look forward to bring new music under their flag,” you smile at him, trying to be as diplomatic as possible. Your parting with your previous label wasn’t the nicest, they tried to sabotage you and force you to stay when they heard you got a deal from Columbia Records, and though at first you didn’t even plan to consider the change, their behavior basically made the decision for you. The public knows nothing about what went down behind the curtains and you definitely want to keep it that way.

“I’m sure you’ll reach great success, I mean so many amazing artists are working with them. Adele, Beyoncé, Lil Nas X, Hozier, Harry Styles, literally the biggest names in the industry, and now you’re one of them!”

“It’s crazy, right? I mean, in my head I’m still in my room, recording covers on my phone,” you chuckle shrugging.

“You could still do that, but now you have sold out shows and fans screaming your name wherever you go,” Jimmy laughs, pointing out what your life has been lately. “Was this what you wanted to do all your life?”

“I mean, it was always in the back of my head, but I didn’t think I would ever make it. I thought about giving concerts and going to events like every teenage girl probably growing up. I thought about who I would collab with and who I want to meet, but I never let myself believe it would actually happen. But then it did, so I guess I was the exception,” you shrug with a small chuckle.

“Did you give concerts in your room in the middle of the night?”

“Of course, who hasn’t done that?” you laugh, the audience joining in agreement.

“And who were your guest stars at your concerts? Let’s say you have the chance to collaborate with one of your fellow artists at the label, who would you choose?”

“That’s a hard because you literally just listed the best artists in the industry to ever exist,” you point out, making Jimmy laugh. “If I had the chance to even meet any of them I think I would have a meltdown, probably,” you admit, another round of laughter washing over the studio.

“You easily get starstruck?”

“Oh, absolutely. If I were to meet for example Adele right now, I would probably start to cry,” you say with a straight face while Jimmy is seemingly having fun hearing about your weakness.

“That would be a fun scene to witness. But let’s get back to the original question. Who do you want to collaborate with the most?”

“I promised my manager not to say something that could be used against me tonight, but I’m gonna be honest and say that I’m the biggest Harry Styles fan and I would die as a happy woman if I ever even just talked about music with him. It doesn’t even have to be a collaboration.”

“Wow, so you’re a fan of him, were you a fan of One Direction as well?”

“I believe that everyone was,” you answer smirking. “I mean, they were everywhere, on the radio all the time, you couldn’t escape them and their music was so catchy, I don’t think anyone ever just turned the radio off so they didn’t hear them. But yeah, I think I was definitely a fan, I loved their music and I think their solo stuff is also impressive.”

“But Harry is your favorite?”

“Music wise, definitely. As a person, I can’t tell, because I’ve never met any of them,” you admit with a chuckle. “But he seems like an amazing person and I’m sure it would be so much fun to work with him.”

“You know, I have his number, I could give it to you if you want to hit him up about a collab,” Jimmy offers sneakily.

“Oh, no, I can’t do that. He might think I’m a freak who is after him,” you play along with him, making him laugh.

“Just tell him I sent you, I’ll take the blame,” he waves in dismiss.

For the rest of the interview you venture to other topics, talk about your recent outfits and a funny story that happened to you the other day before your time is up.

“Thank you so much for coming here today and I hope you’ll come back soon,” Jimmy smiles at you as the interview ends.

“I’ll be here when you call me,” you smirk back at him.

As you’re leaving the studio the panic slowly hits in that you just publicly admitted to be a Harry Styles fan and it’s gonna be kind of obvious you have a crush on the man. How can you not? But then you tell yourself it won’t turn out to be a big deal, he might not even see the interview. It’ll be forgotten in a few days.

Well, you were wrong.

While the snippet of the interview got lots of attention, people praised you to be just like them, geeking out over other artists, they dropped it pretty quickly, finding something else to talk about. Right until another Jimmy Fallon interview made headlines.

It starts as a usual day, you’re set to be at the studio most of the day, having dinner with friends in the evening. Just when you’re about to leave from home, your manager sends you a link with the message: “You should see this.”

You drop your bag and guitar, sitting down on the couch to check out what’s so interesting that she sent it to you. Opening the link a video starts to load and then you see the title.

“Harry Styles talks about being a Y/N Y/L/N fan on Jimmy Fallon.”

“What the fuck,” your eyes widen just as the video starts and Harry appears on the screen, sitting right where were sitting not that long ago. It’s not the whole interview, just a snippet of it so the video starts sometime in the middle of their conversation.

“Absolutely!” Jimmy exclaims in response to something. “There are just so many amazing new artists, they keep coming and coming, right?”

“Yes, there’s someone new and amazing every year,” Harry nods in agreement.

“I don’t know if you know this, but one of the latest big hits was my guest not long ago, are you familiar with Y/N?” Jimmy asks and right at that moment you want to murder the man for bringing you up.

“Oh, yes. I’ve heard of it,” he simply nods. That doesn’t tell much, you’re not sure if he has seen the interview or if someone just told him about it. You really hope for the second option.

“She’s been this year’s biggest sensation, she won the Grammy for best new artist and if you’ve seen her interview, you must know that she is a fan of yours.”

“Fucking hell, Jimmy!” you whine, leaning back on the couch as you hold your phone in your hands. The audience cheers as Harry smiles at Jimmy after mentioning you and your heart is about to jump out of your chest.

“It’s an honor that such a talented artist is a fan of mine, especially because I’m a fan of hers,” Harry answers and your mouth hangs open.

“I think she’ll be thrilled to hear this!” Jimmy chuckles, leaning forward in his seat.

“I was excited to hear that she liked my music. I listened to her album, she is very talented and deserves all the success she’s gotten.”

“Does this mean you’d be open to collaborating with her? Or wait, is this the kind of situation where you don’t know if you want to work with her or date her?” Jimmy cheekily asks, the audience whistling and clapping at his risky question. Harry is smirking and you swear you see a slight blush on his cheeks as he crosses one leg over the other.

“I mean, she is a beautiful and talented woman, any sane man would be happy to do either of those,” he answers and of course, it’s not a straight, clear answer just as always, but it’s obvious that he is interested in you.

“I’ve offered her your number earlier, but she didn’t want to bother you, maybe I could give you hers and arrange whatever you want to start with? Work or a date maybe?”

“Thank you for being my personal Tinder, Jimmy,” Harry jokes and unfortunately, the video cuts off here, so the topic was probably changed after that.

You sit with your phone’s screen frozen, staring out ahead of you, replaying what you just heard and then you listen to the interview again and again until you memorize every answer Harry gave word by word.

It’s your first time attending Columbia Record’s Christmas party, obviously, since it’s your first time being a signed artist at the label at this time. You’ve been like an excited hyperactive kid all week every time you thought about meeting the biggest names in the industry at a luxurious party that partially celebrates your success as well as all the other artists’.

It’s as breathtaking as you imagined, the winter wonderland theme has been taken to the top, everything is white and silver, thousands of ornaments hanging from the ceiling and you see several ice sculptures in the room upon arriving. After long contemplation you’ve decided to wear a sparkly red gown to bring the festive vibes into your look, your hair and makeup is done perfectly, yet you still feel like an intruder, an outsider in the room when you see all the famous people mingling with producers, musicians and other members of the label.

You brought your manager, Simone as your date even though she was invited too. She is wearing a matching red power suit, looking fierce as always, a massive diamond necklace adorning her daring cleavage.

“Are you excited?” she asks, as you both snatch yourselves a drink, looking around in the room.

“Of course.”

“Who do you think you’ll sing with?”

“What?” you ask, giving her a quite puzzled look. She glances at you just as confused.

“You didn’t read the program?” she asks, sounding like a teacher scolding one of her students. Though she is right, you didn’t take the time to look into the detailed program, thinking that it’s fine if you find out on the spot, but now you regret missing it.

“They are doing karaoke and they will draw names who’ll sing. Every song will be a duet.”

“Holy shit,” you gasp with widened eyes. You didn’t expect to be performing tonight and to do it with another artist? You’ll faint if it ends up being Beyoncé.

The thought of the karaoke lingers above you like a dark cloud and you keep thinking about who you’ll sing with if they end up drawing your name. The room is now filled with talented and famous people, you’ve seen Calvin Harris chatting with Diplo, Dove Cameron was fixing her makeup in the mirror when you went to the bathroom and John Legend bumped into you at the bar just a few minutes ago. But the list of people you’ve recognized is getting longer with each passing moment.

Then the karaoke finally starts.

The pretty hostess girl who’s been announcing everything on the little stage appears as they set everything up for the next event.

“Ladies and gentlemen, an exciting little game will come next.” The screen behind her comes to life and a sort of fortune wheel appears, filled with the names of the artists at the label and you spot yours pretty fast. “We’ll be doing some festive karaoke, but to mix up things, we’ll decide who’s gonna sing with this wheel behind me. Are you ready to play?” she asks and the crowd starts clearing while you try to look just as excited as everyone else when you’re about to faint.

The first song is performed by Noah Cyrus and John Legend, a quite odd but very exciting duo. They absolutely smash White Christmas and for a minute you forget the pressure you’ve been struggling with. It only hits you again when they walk off the stage.

The wheel is spun again and the next two performers are James Arthur and George Ezra with the song I’ll Be Home For Christmas. Following their flawless performance three more songs pass and you’re starting to think you won’t even get drawn, letting yourself calm from the nerves.

“Our last song of tonight is going to be Baby It’s Cold Outside,” the hostess announces as the wheel starts spinning and you take a few sips from your drinks, only watching the screen with one eye, but then it stops and you see your name flashing, your stomach dropping.

“Go!” Simone pushes you forward, grabbing your drink from your hands before you make your way to the stage, already feeling your palms sweating as people clap and cheer on you.

“And your partner is going to be…” the hostess continues as the wheel starts spinning again and you stop to stand behind one of the microphones on the stage. You watch the wheel as if your life depended on it, the names move past and it gradually slows down until it finally stops and you almost faint right on the spot.

“Harry Styles!”

All evening you’ve been cautious when you’ll see him but somehow, you managed to avoid the man and now you won’t only just see him, but you’ll sing with him.

Harry emerges from the crowd and you can’t stop staring at him as he walks up to the stage. He is wearing an emerald green suit with a white, lacy shirt underneath, a massive bow adorning his chest. He looks divine as always and you can’t ignore how the two of you are basically matching in your red and green outfits bringing the perfect Christmas look.

He walks up to the stage, passing by the hostess who is leaving just then and his eyes finally fall on you.

“Hi, it’s nice to finally meet you,” he smiles as he steps closer and pulls you into a friendly, welcoming hug.

“Nice to meet you too,” you manage to speak up.

“I’m guessing you’re taking the female part of the song,” he jokes as he steps back from you.

“You can have it if you want,” you offer as a joke, but then your expression changes at the same time. “Wait, are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

“That I should take the female part?” he cocks his head to the side, smirking at you. “Excellent idea,” he nods and with that, the deal is sealed.

You both take your places behind the microphones as the music starts and the lyrics show up on the screen placed in front of you on the floor at the front of the stage.

“I really can’t stay,” Harry starts and everyone gasps from surprise that he is singing the first line.

“Baby it’s cold outside,” you join in grinning and you catch Simone’s gaze who’s just shaking her head laughing.

A round of soft clapping is heard in the room as the song continues and you sing perfectly in sync as if you’ve rehearsed it for weeks before tonight.

Sometime halfway into the song Harry grabs his mic from the stand and turns to face you fully, until then the two of you were just glancing and peeking at each other, always keeping your mouth at the microphone, but now it’s changed. He steps closer and you turn the whole stand, keeping your mic in it but facing him. It feels like he is singing just to you, no one else listening and you get lost in his eyes for a few seconds.

“You’ve really been grand, but can’t you see?” he sings and reaching out his fingers gently swipe down the side of your arm.

“How can you do this thing to me?” you reply as it is in the song, but it feels like you’re having a conversation with him.

Randomly, you grab your own mic and put the stand to the side so you’re facing him with basically nothing between the two of you as you near the end of the song.

“I really can’t stay,” he carries on.

“Get over that old out,” you reply before the two of you sing the last line of the song together.

“Baby it’s cold outside!” You finish as the melody slowly dies down and the cheering takes its place.

“Okay, fine, just another drink then,” Harry says into the mic, not singing anymore and you chuckle at his words.

“That took a lot of convincing,” you reply and with that, the performance is over.

Your bubble is popped and you realize that the whole room is watching the two of you on the stage.

“Wow, thank you so much for this amazing performance!” The hostess arrives back and we make our way off the stage as the evening carries on.

Harry helps you down the stairs and you can’t ignore how your heart jumps as your hand is placed in his.

“This wasn’t quite how I planned meeting you for the first time, but I can’t complain,” he chuckles.

“So you planned meeting me?” you cheekily ask.

“Of course, especially after our Jimmy Fallon interviews,” he nods with a cheeky smile.

“Oh, you mean the one where Jimmy exposed me to be a fangirl?” you chuckle nervously, feeling your cheeks heating up.

“Or the one where I basically said that I want to not just work with you but also date you,” he adds and you’re surprised he brings it up this openly, but then you figure he did it to ease your nerves about the situation. So you decide to be a bit bold about it too.

“And which one would you like to do first?”

“Well,” he smiles down at you, “I think the second one could happen faster than the first one, but I’m down to do both.”

Before you could respond anything, you’re snatched away from each other, several people walk up to the two of you, raving about the song and how good you were, stealing the privacy of the moment from you.

The night carries on and you keep seeing Harry here and there, your eyes meeting for seconds, exchanging little smiles from the distance, but you don’t get to talk again for hours. Sometime later, when the party has definitely loosened up and it feels more like a party than an event, you’re dancing on the dance floor in a circle with Simone, Lauren Jauregui, Zhavia and some more, having a blast after several drinks, so you’re over the starstruck and nerves, enjoying yourself to the fullest when you see him again.

He approaches your little circle already swaying to the music and then you make space for him gladly next to you, pulling him into a quick side hug as he joins you in the dancing. A couple of songs later somehow you end up in each other’s arms, pressed up against him, arms around his neck, his hands holding your waist.

“Is this the work or the dating part?” you ask, leaning closer to his ear, your lips brushing against it gently before you pull back to look into his eyes.

“I’m not doing it right if you can’t tell,” he purses his lips and you can’t help but laugh. “But come home with me and we can discuss it in further details.”

A shiver runs down your spine at his words and when your eyes meet, you can feel the lust, the hunger and the passion that’s thick between the two of you.

“Let’s go,” you nod, biting into your bottom lip. He doesn’t need more confirmation, he grabs your hand and pulls you towards the exit to leave in a rush.

As you scroll through your usual apps and websites in the morning, still in bed, enjoying the lazy start of the day, you come across quite a few posts about you. Well, not just you, Harry as well. It seems like a snippet of your karaoke performance made it to the internet and the world is going crazy over it, demanding a whole Christmas album from the two of you. One of the articles you found about you however talks a bit more in details, stating to have had an insider last night who spoke about the chemistry between you and Harry.

“According to witnesses, the two Grammy winner singers seemed to share the chemistry not just on, but off the stage as well. They were seen having an intimate conversation after their impromptu performance and later in the evening the pair shared a few heated dances before they disappeared from the party. It is not known whether they left together or just at the same time, but separately.”

You can’t help but smirk as you read the lines, the same video of the two of you on stage singing attached at the end you’ve seen on your social media.

“What’s so funny?”

Glancing up from your phone you see Harry walking in, wearing nothing just a pair of grey sweatpants, two mugs of steaming coffee in his hands as he approaches the bed. Climbing back under the sheets he hands you the one with little kittens on it while his has colorful dots all over the ceramic. Once he has one hand free, he sinks into bed, an arm curling around you, pulling you closer so you can cuddle to his side.

“We’re the talk of the town,” you giggle, showing him the phone and he quickly runs through the text on the screen.

“Wow, heated dances?” he hums with a playful smirk. “If only they knew how heated it was after we left,” he comments and you smack his chest with a dramatic gasp, but you can’t hold your smirk back.

“You really are narcissistic, huh?” you narrow your eyes at him, but he just smirks at you before he leans closer and steals a kiss. But you don’t let him pull back that fast, you grab the back of his neck, your lips melting together as you kiss him longer than just a quick peck and he shows you just how heated things can get between the two of you.

“Mmm, I should head home soon though,” you sigh as you let go of him and you change his lips to your coffee as you start sipping it.

“Do you have anywhere to be?”

“No, I’m free today.”

“Then stay,” he smiles and kisses your cheek playfully.

“I can’t just lounge here all day, we met yesterday! I need to keep my class at least a bit,” you smirk at him.

“But… Baby It’s Cold Outside,” he starts singing as he leans closer, his hand reaching out to put his mug to the nightstand and then he does the same with yours, so he can get on top of you with no problem, his lips already finding yours. You can’t resist him, not that you want. The thought of leaving quickly leaves your mind, just like the shirt leaves your body and the sweatpants leaves Harry’s.

Thank you for reading, please like and reblog if you enjoyed it!

[bisluthq]

Why are you so sure that Matty and Taylor fucked did your get a piece of inside info that proves it without a shadow if a doubt for you?

I'm not saying I don't believe you it's just annoying that every single guy that Taylor has ever even remotely been seen with has been romantically linked to her in some way shape or form. It's honestly tiring at this point that she can't have a single male friend except for Jack and Aaron without rumors of them having fucked or dated coming up.

Do you really genuinely think her and Matty were friends lmao?

Like her and Hozier? Her and Zac? Her and Cory? 100%. That’s what I’d lean to.

But who the fuck is “good friends” with a known addict and keeps going home with them after that person’s concerts and stuff? Like how is that friendship lmao? Do you think they made smores lmfao?

[owlmylove]

me and my (ex?) girlfriend are on a sort of break right now? like. we both want to be together but she is going through a lot and she can't really handle a relationship which I of course wanted to support her so I agreed we should go on a break but I miss her so much and it's like. I don't even know what to do I just wnat her to be okay but I have had no closure and I'm so upset and I don't even know if she's expecting us to get back together at some point but it's not like I can ask is it??

oh no, honey. if you don’t mind my quoting a hozier lyric; baby, you’re familiar like my mirror long ago. i get it. i literally, verbatim, get the feeling you’re going through right now. and as terrifying as this may sound, the best thing to do is try to find the way to live without expecting or hoping that you two will reconcile in the future. 

i know that’s almost definitely the last thing you want to do right now, but really. finding a way to accept, move on, and be confident with yourself in the wake of a break/potential separation is hands down the healthiest thing for both A. you and B. and and all future relationships you’ll have. codependence in any amount is never good, even if it’s so fuckn easy to hold on to in these situations, when you’re left without literally any closure (again: i feel you. and yikes, i’m so fuckn sorry. it’s a garbage feeling, I know)

I also know that this feat - finding a way to be okay, to accept, and to move on from a not-quite-clean-break - is 100000% easier said than done. I’m sorry about that. and yes, it will take time, and probably some tears, and probably some sleepless nights. that usually seems to be the case. but here are some general pieces of advice:

1. you’re no longer her partner. this might hurt like hell right now, but you need to bear in mind this also affords you a certain freedom. don’t text her back right away. if something springs to mind that you would normally text her about, try texting friends or journaling about it. i opened up to friends a million times more than normal in the wake of my breakup, and please believe me when i say it really fuckn helped

2. don’t give her power over you. she needs time apart? thats totally normal and fine. but don’t let her decide when that separation gets to be ignored, because she needs a sympathetic ear. i know how it feels to be programmed to care for someone, but bear in mind that this separation is her idea. don’t give her the benefits of a committed partner when she’s unwilling to do the same

3. go talk to friends! read books! move around! go to places you like, check out some concerts, find a cool new coffee shop, do literally anything other than hold yourself prisoner to your own room & old routines. 2 days after my breakup I formed an urban exploration girl gang that engaged in lught B&E and waffle house aftwards. go find your own cool shit. keep being a human, not a memory

4. give yourself time. and tears, and, if you’re anything like me, a shitton of ink & nostalgia. find a way to express how you’re feeling, but not to her. I wrote dozens of love letters when I was still in love, and just as many when I was finding my way out of it. If you can, try talking to a friend. Find a way to express the feelings which will inevitably come.

5. backup your phone and then delete all your pictures of her. if she’s on your background; change it. if you have a specific ringtone for her; make it the standard. you’re used to prioritizing her, because she’s someone special in your life. but in cases like these, giving yourself time and distance is essential. and acting like she’s not special, even if she still feels special, is an invaluable first step 

6. again: give yourself time. don’t beat yourself up for however long it takes to grow accustomed to her absence. just know that becoming comfortable with the absence, and with the person you are in the wake of her, is the goal. if you two decide to get back together, great! but ideally, you deserve to find a way to still be Okay if that doesn’t come to pass. so deep breaths love, and small steps. I know how overwhelming it can feel, when you’re in the stage that you’re in, but it’ll be oaky. Maybe not tonight or tomorrow, but eventually - I promise - it’ll be okay. And until then, feel free to message me whenever you need to talk. Godspeed and good luck, ma chere