#i can’t wait to go home

[something-something-peaceful]

Me: *really liking to cook and bake things*

My hands:

[bloodinwine]

I have the next 4 days off… what do you think I’m going to do?

[kfedup]

Two more sleeps and I’ll be in my own bed again. I’m beyond ready. Between the apparitions/visitations in the middle of the night, mom’s insidious anxiety and worry (these two things I believe are linked) about every blessed thing, and the news blaring for two hours every morning, I’m fried.

But I’ve managed to continue my daily exercising and meditation and I think that has kept me from becoming a ball of anxiety myself. I roll out of bed at 6:30 while she’s watching news in the downstairs family room and set up my mat in the dining room with a deep house chill playlist on my phone and do my hour routine. I definitely feel more peaceful inside myself than I have any other visit in 35 years and I stayed sober. Even skipped the sleep time THC, which I think I am letting go of for good. Or keep it for times I’m in physical pain because the deep muscle relaxation really helps. But nightly use was turning me into a fog bank of a human being. I’m loving feeling more clear when I wake up.

My dreams while here have been vivid, surreal, and intense. Woke yesterday from multiple dreams about the baker, which is so strange. We haven’t seen each other for 4 years and while he had reached out every few months during that time, it’s now been a year since he texted me. In one dream his mother placed her hands on my arms and pulled me close face-to-face and told me in front of him that he’s a fool and I was the best person to ever come into his life. True fact, Mary. His loss. My freedom. I wish him all the best, but that best won’t be me.

Today is my niece’s high school graduation ceremony and then a group dinner at a nearby restaurant, as she didn’t want to have a party. I’m so glad we were able to come celebrate with her - she’s had a very rough high school experience and deserves all the love and support of everyone in the family.

Hopefully college and a new population of people will be positive for her. I’ve never heard of such a toxic high school culture as what she has dealt with. Hideous people whose parents do nothing to guide their kids to be better or do better. Is this what wealthy, privileged families do? Leave their kids to tear others down and figure it out for themselves? The school admin didn’t do much to help either. She has two brothers coming up through the same school, fingers crossed they don’t have to deal with the same cruelty.

Anyway, this is a Sunday update. Time to shower and steam my clothes for today. Wish it were a bit warmer, but so it goes. Insert asshole symbol.

[tariah23]

Some white man is bbqing and his food stank

[shutupdevvie]

i have been by myself for too long i’m starting to think everyone hates me again

[sydtodd21]

crying because this time tomorrow I’ll be in my hometown on the beach, 🥹❤️

[zoldyckd]

tgcf artbook arrived!! 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳

[cadaverre]

my hair is so fucked up omg i can’t wait to wash it

[neuvillettes]

HAPPY HALLOWEEN MY LIL SPOOKS 💘✨

[skybelly]

i accidentally logged into one of my original tumblrs from 12 years ago and there was a list of all the things that i wanted to do and i’ve achieved all of them except travel to ireland 🍀

[nazarethsprincess]

I just love my sisters

[iamnotcoolaboutit]

sitting in a stairwell for lunch since it’s pouring with rain outside and my friend isn’t in school today 😭

[fastsalad]

IT’S MY LAST NIGHT SLEEPING IN THIS DORM ROOM!!!!!!! LAST NIGHT HAVING TO LISTEN TO MY ROOMMATE’S NOISE MACHINE!!!!!!!!!!!!! BIG WIN FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[okcoolthanks]

ALSO I walked to the bus with a girl who’s in my iep class. The bus is like super empty and it’s not where it usually is so that’s weird

[moths-in-a-coat]

i worked 10-3 at one of my jobs, spent 30 min getting food, 30 min going to my other job, and now i work 4-8 at this one

[mothrasecretaccount]

Went with my BF over to his parents for Christmas Eve / day and I am wishing I had just stayed home.

It’s not been a bad time by any means I just don’t do well around other peoples family’s during the holidays. It stresses me the fuck out and wears me down.

I have so much I’m behind on and I didn’t even get to visit my mum this year and I’m fully overwhelmed and just over it. Over being around other people, over being stuck not being able to go places without someone else driving me around.

The holidays just suck for me.

It starts off with my birthday being disappointing as fuck and then continues in a downward spiral until after new years and the years starts all over again same as the last year and the year before that and the year before that 🙄💀