#i can’t let myself forget to draw tonight tho

[yellowsubiesdance]

i didn’t do everything on my to-do list today, and now i’m about to play persona. but that’s ok, sometimes you really just need a break

[peter-parkourwrites]

Heartbreak Summer 2

Bucky Barnes x Reader, College AU

Summary: James Buchanan Barnes broke your heart two years ago. Now, after settling down finally in college with your group of old and new friends, he ́s transferred into your school, and maybe back into your heart.

Word Count: 3.3k

Warnings: Angst, mentions of drinking, slight pining from everyone’s favorite tin-man, slight thor x reader, jealous Bucky, swearing

A/N: TAG LIST IS OPEN!! Am I really starting a new series before my last one is finished? Yes. Don’t worry tho SFF will be uploaded soon. I just had this idea and I’m extremely excited about it.

Feedback is always appreciated! Thanks for reading loves, I hope you guys like it!

*Gif not mine, credit to owner*

series masterlist

Bucky watches with a small frown as you turn away from him, Thor’s arm wrapped delicately around your waist. That used to be him. He wonders if he should punch Steve, or thank him for not telling him you’d be there. And by his assumptions, you hadn’t known he’d be there either. With how stiff and quiet you suddenly got. Bucky grimaces as Thor reaches out to help you into his truck, ever the gentlemen. Bucky used to be that for you, he used to be the one to surprise you with flowers, kiss your knuckles when taking you home after a date, and opening doors for you no matter how far away he was from you. Bucky would launch himself over counters if it meant you didn’t have to open a damn door. 

It’s not fair. 

He thinks as Steve drags him over to his own car, followed by Sam as Tony, Nat and Wanda cram into the back of Thor's truck behind you. 

Should he strangle Steve or Thor first? 

It’s a tough draw. Bucky knows why Steve didn’t tell him you were going to be there. It was his first week back from his adventures in Europe abroad, and he had only wished he never left you. If Steve had told him you were there, he wouldn’t have come. The last time you two spoke wasn’t exactly… great.

“I don’t know why you think you have to do this.” You hissed staring up at him with angry eyes filled with tears. His heart cracked at the fact that they weren’t the usual bright doe eyes he’d get to look into every morning. He didn’t want to fight with you, he wanted to hold you and tell you everything would be okay. 

But he chose the only option he could, at the time anyway.

“I have to do this (Y/N)! It’s a full year abroad to study and train under professionals!” Bucky was shouting now, something he had only done one other time when his sister was in that car accident years ago. She was better now but that night sent him in a downward spiral. 

“What about us?!” You cried, voice shaking with anger and sadness, Bucky couldn’t really decipher which pained him the most. 

“Us?! Us? This is a huge opportunity and you’re asking me to turn it down for some dumb childhood dream you had for us?!”

“No Bucky that’s not what I’m asking, I’m asking you to promise me we’ll be okay, and you won’t!” You hissed, your voice wavering as you looked anywhere but him.

“You know I can't do that (Y/N).”

“WHY NOT! Y-y-you s-said you’d always be here…” Your voice trailed off, and that one sentence would linger in his mind for the next two years. 

“I can’t promise you I’ll still be the man you love when I come back doll.”

“NO! D-don’t call me that… y-you don’t get the right anymore.”

“Look… I’m sorry but I need to do this… I won’t let you sit here and suffer for the next two years while I’m away. Live your life, I don’t want to hold you back.”

“So? I-I can go with you! I-I’m sure they have better nursing programs in Europe-”

“I won’t ask you to leave everything you love behind for... For me. I won’t let you do that. If you go with me I-I’ll” He let out a long sigh, and his fists clenched at his side, the next words he said hurt him to even say but the look on your face as he said them made him sick. “I’ll leave you…” 

Your breath hitched in your throat as your body went stiff. Clearing your throat you nodded and crossed your arms over your chest. 

“I won’t be here waiting when you get back. I refuse to do that to myself. I won’t let you break my heart like that James.”

James. That hurt. In all your years of knowing him, you’d never called him that. He swore his heart shattered at that.  So with a short nod, Bucky took careful, but long strides towards you in case you decided to bolt from him. When you didn’t, a small tear slipped down his cheek. Pulling you into his arms he pressed you flush against his chest, taking a deep breath. Lavender and fresh linens. You always smelt like that in the spring. And Bucky would miss it so much more than he knew. 

“I love you ya know.” He murmured against your hair. He felt your fists grasp tightly at his dark shirt, knowing it would be stained with tears. When you didn’t say it back, he knew that was his cue to leave. Reluctantly, he pulled away from you and bent down to place a small kiss to your forehead. But you stopped him? That never happened. But then again, he did just break your heart. 

Letting out a small sigh, he opened his eyes and looked down at you.

“Y-you’re leaving… just go please.” You whispered the sorrow in your voice was evident. With a nod he walked to the door of your apartment and walked out, closing the door with a small click behind him. 

~

Bucky followed Steve into the pizza restaurant. His eyes met the back of your head as you let out a cheerful laugh, his heart lurching in his chest. God, he missed that sound. The pure bliss from hearing that every morning was sorely missed when he slept alone in his small apartment in London. 

You sat there so happy and in pure bliss, a stark contrast from the last time he had seen you. Bucky slinks through the crowd, stuffing his hands in his jean pockets to hide his shaking hands. Nerves fluttered in his stomach with every step he took closer towards your ethereal form. His eyes are trained on you, and you alone. Thor has a hand on your lower back, that makes him scowl, shooting daggers at the back of the blondes head. Steve nudges Bucky’s side with his elbow as the group turns around to face them. Bucky's eyes quickly pull away from your form, looking at everything else but you. And that's when he fully regrets coming out tonight.

 The small pizza place has since expanded and added a simple bar. Dark wooden tables are scattered around, with tall stools adorning dark blue cushions with some rips on them. There are small floral arrangements at either end of the bar counter, courtesy of Elaine, one of the owners you all knew. 

The pizza side hadn’t changed one bit since high school. Same squeaky metal tables and chairs. Same beige linoleum flooring with those gross brown stains on a few tiles - that no one really knows what they’re from. - Your sat at the usual table you all hogged every Friday night after highschool. A corner booth, with added chairs to fit everyone, overlooking the bustling city. You sat by the window, having a chat with Wanda, who was across from you, Tony occasionally chiming in with his sassy remarks. 

The scene is so… bittersweet to him. It reminds him of those simple nights before college, when he didn’t know he’d be leaving for two years. Your first date was here. Your first kiss, right outside under some silly mistletoe that had been put up around Christmas. 

~

“Come on doll, one slice!” Bucky begged, his hand keeping a steady grip on yours, as he pulled you through the crowd of people on the streets. Fresh snow was falling around you, covering the gross brown slush that lined the sidewalks, giving the city a softer look to it. 

“Babe it’s cold!” You hissed, as a sudden rush of cold air flew at your face. Impeccable timing. Bucky turned to look back at you with a large grin. Your nose and cheeks were red, being nipped at from frost, your hair was stuck to your face as flakes continued to land against it. 

“I know, but once we're in there we can have some hot chocolate and warm up.”

“Hot chocolate and pizza? That sounds like a stomach ache waiting to happen Buck.”

“Don’t knock it till you try it doll!” Bucky called as he continued to brush past people through the busy streets of New York. 

After walking a few blocks from his apartment, you found yourselves standing underneath the doorway, a line beginning to form. You groaned, burying your face between his arm and side to try and block the cold from biting at your face even more. A soft chuckle left Bucky's lips as he glanced up noticing the small green plant. 

“Babydoll.” He whispered in your ear, tapping your side. You shook your head against his chest and he snickered before pulling your shoulders back. When you were about to protest he pointed up at it. Your face started burning, suddenly washing away any remnants of the cold weather. 

His arm curled slowly around your waist, his blue eyes examining every detail of your face. Almost like if he looked away he'd forget everything he just saw. 

Raising a brow, as if asking for permission, he waited for any indication that you didn't want this, hoping and praying it wouldn't come. When he peeked his own eyes opened, he saw your doe eyes looking up at him through your lashes with a bashful glance, he swore his heart stopped. You nodded your head at him, slowly and without wasting another second, he pulled your waist against his, tilting his head to the side and leaning down his lips found yours. 

Your very first kiss and he was ecstatic. Words couldn’t even begin to describe the feeling as his hand cupped your cheek, cradling your face delicately in his palm. Suddenly it was no longer cold, and all he could feel was heat pulsing through his veins. He waited for years to kiss you, and at the age of seventeen, here he was finally kissing the girl of his dreams. Your lips melted together in a dance-like fashion, it wasn’t sloppy or rushed. It was slow and calm. Both of you take a minute to relish in each other's warmth. You broke first, needing air and all he could do was give you a big grin. Your eyes met his again and he leaned forward, placing one last short peck to your lips before pulling you along behind him into the pizza place. 

~

As Bucky carefully sits at the end of the table with Steve, everything is stiff and quiet. He feels like an outsider, no… he is an outsider. He concludes as you all make inside jokes he has no remembrance of. 

You all look different from those highschool seniors he drove away from. Wanda's hair is no longer pulled back into a flimsy ponytail like it always was. She knows how to style it now, with large bouncy curls that rest on her shoulders. Natasha's hair was no longer blonde, or red. It was a simple mix of both, Bucky made a note to mention it. 

Sam was ́beefier ́ As younger Bucky would have put it. Sure he had muscles in high school but they weren't exactly… evened out with the rest of his body. However, now his biceps actually filled out those stupid muscle shirts he insisted on wearing all year round. He seemed a lot more snarky than normal too, but now being more touchy with everyone. He was never one for a lot of physical contact, and it was nice to see him actually giving out hugs, or letting Wanda grab his arm while she jumped around excitedly. 

Tony was still short, almost as short as you… if that was possible, well no matter your height, you'd always be shorter than Bucky and Steve. The one thing that didn't change about Tony was his spunk. He was the same sassy prick who had the best sense of style. And a pure genius, Bucky could only dream of having his smarts, and quick-witted remarks. 

Clint was still an asshole, and just as crazy as before, if not more so. From just the short time back together again, he could tell Clint was still a troublemaker. 

And then, there was you. Your hair was longer than when he last saw you. You had finally switched over from those baggy shirts with cheesy puns on them to blouses that showed off your curves. Bucky swore it made his heart lurch, he only hoped it was for yourself, and no one else. He still had at least one of those silly shirts in his drawers back home, considering you always forgot them. 

The one thing that didn’t change was your face, sure you had matured but the way you lit up when someone started talking about a topic you loved, your eyes got wide, and there was that same sparkle in your eyes that you used to look at him with. Your lips were plump and pink, covered in glittery lipgloss, or that damn strawberry chapstick he loved so much when you were younger. 

“So, how was London?” Natasha’s voice pulled him from his thoughts, and now the entire tables attention was focused on him. Clearing his throat, Bucky pulled a pizza from the platter and placed it on his plate.

“It was okay, it’s hard when you don’t know anyone there. Sure I made friends but damn if I didn’t want to come home.” He said with a small nervous chuckle.

“I bet you missed the team,” Sam said, nudging his side with a grin. Bucky rolled his eyes and shoved his shoulder lightly.

“Duh, but I bet you guys missed me a hell of a lot more. I mean how many loses have you had since I’ve been gone?” 

“Too many,” Steve added with an exaggerated sigh as he bit into his slice. Bucky rolled his eyes and took a bite of his own, his eyes scanning the faces of those around him. They met yours for a second, and you had a curious look etched on your features. But he didn’t look long enough to ask, because those damn (y/e/c) eyes would have had him melting all over again. After an hour and a half of chatting, falling into old routines, and copious amounts of pizza, everyone was ready to head home. 

You slid out of the seat and took Wanda's hand as she helped pull you up. 

“I think I ate double my weight in cheese and bread.” You groaned, resting your head on her shoulder.

“Come on then, you need some tea and your bed.” She said her voice like velvet on your ears. You nodded against her before standing up on your own again. Stretching out your arms you let out a loud yawn and walked over to where everyone was waiting outside. 

“Well this has been fun, but I am exhausted and Netflix is calling my name.” You said patting Wanda’s shoulder and grinning at the rest of the group. Nat chuckled and looped an arm through yours. 

“When is it not.” The red-head teased as she nudged you slightly. 

“Hey Shameless season nine just got added and you bet your ass I am going to watch all of it in one sitting.” You hissed and did your best attempt to intimidate her with a glare. She just shook her head and waved goodbye to the group. 

“I’ve already watched it, it’s… alright.” Bucky's voice cut through you like a knife. You grimaced and shook your head. 

“Wrong, it’s going to be great.” You said, newly found confidence creating an edge to your words. Bucky cleared his throat and shrugged. 

“Eh could have been better, but whatever floats your boat doll.” You visibly tensed at the last words. You hadn’t heard that word from his lips in years, let alone anyone’s. It was so characteristically Bucky that if you heard it from anyone else you’d probably throw up. 

“You’ll see James it’s going to be an amazing season.” You finished with a small grumble and walked off with Nat and Wanda, not even bothering to say anything to the rest of the group. 

“I don’t get why he has to push my buttons like that?! I mean it's been two years and he thinks he can show up all over again and act like he didn’t leave me for some trashy whores in the red-light district!” You panted, face growing hot with anger as Wanda and Nat sat patiently on the couch. 

“Hon I don’t think he-”

“And you know what else! I bet he knew I was coming and showed up anyway just to spite me! Try and win me back, or make me jealous! Well, you know what? It’s not going to work this time, nope nope I refuse to let him back in for the second time. I mean what on earth does that fucker think he’s doing? I mean my sorry ass is still in love with him, and he thinks he can just waltz back in here looking hot in that stupid leather jacket I bought him, and-and just, do that?!” Nat let out a strangled sigh and handed you her glass of water she had been nursing since you started the rant half an hour ago. Exhausted from yelling, you flopped down against the couch cushions, Wanda reaching over and running her fingers through your hair to calm you down. 

“I hate him.” You muttered, bringing the glass up to your lips and taking a long sip. 

“You just said you loved him,” Nat said, standing up and moving towards the fridge for a glass of red wine. Being as classy as she was, ever since you had all tried it one night at one of Tony’s parties, she lived for the drink. 

Although she only brought it out during emergencies. Apparently, this was an emergency. Which, to you yeah of course it was. Bucky had just left. After that night in your apartment, you hadn’t heard from or seen him in two years. Sure there were those small moments of panic when you would like a photo he posted on Instagram. If you didn’t have a heart attack then? Well, you were sure you were having one now. 

“I know that.” You hissed and moved to sit up, Wanda letting out a small huff as she pulled her hands away from the braid she had started. “I just… he left me. He left us and now he thinks he can show up again like nothing happened?”

“Maybe he’s not even here for you,” Wanda added in as Natasha handed you the glass, halfway filled with the red liquid. At Wanda's comment, you swore you were going to throw up from the feeling. Ever since he had gone away, you always felt… empty. Some part of your heart, he had surely taken with him. 

You felt that way for a while, three months to be exact, until school started up again and you dove into your studies, promising to yourself that the rest of your college career would not be wasted on some stupid fantasy, with a dumb, stupidly handsome, idiot of a guy. But Bucky was more than that to you, he always would be. He was there when your mother got sick when you got into that car accident when you first got your license. He was there when you won the state championships for soccer in high school. Every damn thing. And yet, you hadn’t felt that gut, no soul-wrenching feeling since. But things change. The past creeps up on you, and you have no way of knowing how to handle it. 

“I’m going to bed…” You muttered, pulling yourself from the comfort of the couch, to move to your lonely bed. As the girls said a quick goodnight, you grunted in response, to busy focusing on how the hell you would be able to sleep, and how on earth to get Bucky out of your thoughts.

----

Taglist: @thatsbucknasty @itz-kira @cassandras-musings @petlaufeyson @itzmegaaaaaaan @ambrosenerd @thatoneslytherinbeater @sebastianstan-posts @retrxbarnes @nervosaa @vvich3st3r @lost-in-t-h-e-abyss @spn-obession @greeneyedgirls4 @learisa @avipshamitra @section-79 @uaterer @aletteredaffair @formulafun @smexy-bucky-waifu @jitterbuck @marvelsbitxh @justanothergirlwithdemons @blueeyedboobear @ladymidnightt @greatballsofeffingfire @kaithezaftig @cookies186

if there is a line through your user, it means I couldn’t tag you. shoot me a private message, or check your settings to see if we can fix it :)

[touchmycoat]

5, 6 (i already know this is some insane amount), 9, 10, 16, 23, 26 (house)

BAAABE :*

5. What is the perfect environment for you to write in?

my office cubicle apparently kdsjfnksd

no but genuinely anywhere i can zone out. i make faces & mutter to myself when i write tho so, anywhere where that wouldn’t draw weird glances lmfao

6. If you’re really concentrating, how many words can you write in a day?

bahahaha i think Farmer’s Almanac holds the record rn—10k, give or take.

9. Do you prefer to write AUs, canon divergence, or canon-compliant fic?

#selfintrospection, my pattern per fandom seems to be starting with canon divergence! I’m a side characters ho, y’all know this, so I always like to recenter the narrative & get a surer foothold in my own interpretations of character first. but after that.... no preference! I love (and have written) all three to great enjoyment heheheh just depends on where i wanna see ‘em fuck

10. Do you enjoy writing dialogue, exposition, or plot the most?

NFJDNFJDNFJD HOW CAN I CHOOSE

Exposition is sexy, and i get to be the most experimental & excessive & self-indulgent here w/ style choices.

Dialogue is sexy, ‘cause voices and humor and dirty talk and heartbreak and communication!!! I’m a movie ho so i’m all about that plot-driving script game ;;;;

Plot is sexy ‘cause that’s where you get to fuck around with all the canon themes, subvert & avert & redistribute them!!!!!!!! I’m a slut for that!!!!!!!!!

can’t choose won’t choose :’D

16. What is your most underrated fic?

LMFAO you know i’m gonna say Sword of the Yi Maiden ;) she’s basically like, our child ;;

23. If you had to remix one of your own fics, which would it be and how would you remix it?

well once i sort out the single dad!Song Lan universe, i’d loooooove to switch gears & swerve into single dad!Xiao Xingchen B) just for kicks. But where Song Lan is like, a high school lit teacher and A-Qing is our favorite local delinquent child. XXC gets called in for a parent-teacher conference, and he’s actually kind of dreading it at first because AQ honestly never had too many complaints about the English teacher, so if this Song Laoshi was suddenly going to betray his daughter’s trust and tattle on her XXC would def take AQ’s side.

But! Turns out SL’s calling him in to be like “hey, AQ never does homework but is fine with participating in class if i kind of trick her into arguing about it, so i figured she just really doesn’t like being told what to do. That’s fine! But that also means I don’t think she’ll respond well to me sitting her down to talk about her higher education options, so I figured I’d run it past the parent first to see if you have any thoughts about how we’re going to proceed.”

it’d be SO fucking funny... AQ stops skipping class or stops zoning out the moment she catches onto her dad’s little ~thing for Song Laoshi. She starts challenging him in class instead on every little thing (”yeah but don’t you think it’s inherently racist to require us to read conrad at all, if there are so many books out there written by actual African postcolonial authors”) but he’s just happy she’s engaging so they bond

they’re both super proud and near tears at graduation, and AQ is too but to hide her own embarrassingly feelings she’s like “don’t pretend y’all aren’t just crying ‘cause you can finally date each other now that it won’t be fucking WEIRD for me”

26. Which part of House was the hardest to write?

hmmmmm I think I had the most number of false starts w ch. 3!! i never save shit rip but at one point i straight up had like.... 13 pages all blacked out? Oh i remember, the scene where AQ first tests SL. I had that set in like, the breakfast stall, in a busy street, a quiet street, etc. etc. I was putting each of their conversations in different contexts too, just seeing how they would play out based on the surroundings??? i even thought about dropping AQ’s POV completely at one point but I’m very glad i didn’t. The current version is actually the very first opening for the chapter i ever wrote so, el oh el, i try not to think all that effort went to waste. It’s more like, I had some ideas, but i had to prove none of them would work before i could proceed with this one, y’know?

BUT TELL YOU WHAT I DID SAVE THO. The first draft of the Ch. 2 opening? After I wrote this i was like “yikes this is way too conventional a set-up for a flashback let’s just do it,” and wrote the current version on ao3 lmao. I kept the chapped knuckles thing~

Under the Cut:

((Behind the Scenes of Fic Writing Asks!))

Song Lan stood at the entrance of his room in the inn, fist clenched hard around Fuxue’s hilt as the rain came in. Night had been the herald, and now, the lantern at the top of the stairs to Song Lan’s left was flickering wildly, buffeted about by the stormy wind.

The inn’s owner, an older woman in her 50s, spoke a string of worried utterances as she hurried up the stairs to close the window. As her hands approached the latch though, Song Lan sensed bloodthirst. Fuxue went flying.

The woman screamed, but the harm was over; a mutated critter of a hungry ghost slumped against the window frame, pinned there by Fuxue’s cool blade. Instead of closing the window for her, Song Lan pressed two paper talismans on either side. He pulled out Fuxue and watched the hungry ghost dissipate.

“Daozhang, daozhang, gratitude,” the woman wept. “A few here and there is nothing, you know? But once they begin to stay, and bigger things start to come, and we have young ones in the house, oh, it terrifies me, what state this city has been falling into…”

Fuxue returned to its sheathe, and Song Lan still had his fly-whisk tucked in his arm. He gave the inn owner a polite bow.

“I will attempt an extermination tonight.”

“Daozhang is so reliable,” the woman said, tears instantly transforming into simpering gratitude. Her distress had been in part a show, meant to move Song Lan into action. Song Lan did not mind; this was his third night at the inn, after all, and the second time the inn owner’s requested a favor from him. It stood to reason that she would think he needs more affective convincing, even if she’s wrong.

“I may trouble you for tea upon my return,” he murmured. When the woman reached out to pat his elbow in a matronly gesture, Song Lan stepped back, disguising the gesture as a readjustment of his robes as he replaced the stack of talismans back in his sleeve.

“Of course,” she replied, hand waving in the air before lowering back down to her side. A spot of tension eased at the base of Song Lan’s neck. “The stove never stops burning in our kitchen, particularly when we have guests. Just give our door a knock if the evening chef isn’t around. We’ll take care of you.”

Song Lan was grateful. He’d need the hot drink when he returned from the rain—soaking in the deluge always left his skin feeling beaten and bloated. And the sensation, if untreated, never failed to transform itself into two long iron nails hammered deep into his skull and brain. The pain was best avoided if at all possible.

(Xiao XingChen knew this about him. Nothing’s ever eased the migraines faster than XingChen’s smile as he wordlessly pushed a cup of hot water or tea across the table. Nothing’s ever distracted Song Lan from the pain more effectively than wondering exactly what would happen, if XingChen’s fingers lingered and his own could touch, just lightly, those perpetually chapped knuckles.)

(Take better care of yourself, Song Lan had once chastised when blood came seeping up between cracked skin.

I forget to, XingChen had confessed, sheepish lines crinkling around his eyes.

Had Song Lan been anybody else, he would’ve said out loud what he wished he could’ve said out loud: I’ll do it then.

Had Song Lan been anybody else, he would’ve thumbed a layer of protective grease over Xiao XingChen’s dry hands himself, save them both the need for cheesy lines and impotent promises. Words often got him into trouble, he knew this; he much preferred the vows made in every shared action that was mutually fostered into consistency. But what did it say about him, that his hands flinched from touch and Xiao XingChen walked at a careful radius around him, that he couldn’t make a vow on any level that counted?)

The extermination was no reprieve from the discomfort, the dissatisfaction, the disassembly of it all. The sky was falling apart and so was his skin. Moderation was less a stranger to Song Lan than longing, but tonight, the berating of his body was not moderated at all.

A year of searching, over, just like that.

An opportunity to apologize, gone, just like that.

A promise.

A dream.

So do you like him then? You want to really build a family with him?

Gone. Just like that.

[nnegan13]

hello my good dudes I am here to offer a one shot for y’all 

prompt: “one of them a bit tipsy and the other one just loving and enjoying it and teasing, basically fluff”

it got away from me so fast tho haha 

bit of an AU, they met in college and are friends and not enemies and Eva is still Edo’s cousin bc I can’t help myself 

if this had a title it’d be called: edo rambles about how much he loves ele 

enjoy lovies! read on ao3 here

— 

“Ele,” Edo mumbles, thumbing at the top of his bottle and Fede looks over at him, brows raised. He has to tell Ele something, he knows this and not much else. Fede would know where to find her, right? Right? “Ele, Fede where’s Ele?” 

“What the fuck are you on right now?” Fede asks, shrugging Edo’s hand off his shoulder. “She’s not here, said she wasn’t coming, remember?” 

“Ah, really?” He asks, frowning. Surprised that he doesn’t remember something Ele told him, Edo thinks back over the past few days. Monday, he hadn’t seen her, which was the worst, but Tuesday she came to their study group and sat next to him and leaned over to write something on his notebook and he couldn’t think of anything but the way her hair smelled for the rest of the session. Wednesday, again, he failed to see her, but she did text him for over an hour that night. Thursday, Eva made him take them to lunch, Ele pressed her foot into the side of his leg, and he could barely concentrate on the conversation. Friday, he’d seen her with Stephan, her friend from that study program in England she’d done in high school and that, that was when she told him she wouldn’t be coming tonight. Plans with Stephan while he was still in town, or something. Who was he kidding? There wasn’t an or something, he remembers practically every word that she’s ever spoken in his presence, at least when he’s sober enough. “Fuck, I don’t—God, I forgot.” 

“Maybe you should stop drinking every time you see her, man.” Fede tips his own bottle to his mouth. “Or, every time you see her and she’s with another guy.” 

Edo shoves him. “I hate you sometimes.” 

“Only when I’m right.” Fede gestures to the crowd of people filling up their apartment, dancing to the music pounding through the room, or drinking, or talking in dark corners. His eyes catch Eva pulling Gio by his tie down the hallway toward the bedrooms that’s strictly off limits during parties and takes a long swallow from his bottle. His cousin is likely going to go do it on his bed. God, sometimes his life is fucked. “Go find a girl and get your mind off her.” 

“Fede, I don’t think you understand,” Edo says, mind whirring. His cousin is going to go fuck one of his friends, the girl he thinks might be the love of his life is currently on a date with a man she only sees once a year, and he’s drinking the shittiest beer he thinks Chicco has ever brought to him. Nothing makes sense, but the buzz is nice and he takes another swig. 

What is he saying? Something, something about Ele, Eleonora, the most beautiful woman in the entire world. “She’s so—so—”

Behind him, a soft voice he would know anywhere interrupts, “So what?” 

Ele stands at his shoulder, eyebrows raised, and watches him make a fool of himself turning around. Good, she’s here; he can tell her what he needs to tell her, now, once he remembers what it is. “Ele!” 

“Hi,” She chuckles and his eyes catch on her smile. “You look like you’re having fun.” 

“Only ‘cause you’re here.” That’s close to what he wants to say, right? Almost, almost, that damn smile is too distracting. The blue lights hung in the windows cast a glow across her face and she looks like a fucking angel. 

There. That’s closer. 

She shakes her head at him and peeks over at Fede, watching them with thinly veiled amusement. “How much have you let him drink?” 

“He was very distraught earlier when he remembered that you said you weren’t coming,” Fede reports and Edo frowns, but catches the flicker of Ele’s eyes back to his face. His lips part, he doesn’t want Ele knowing he forgot something she told him. Or Fede answering any questions about him, the fucking liar. “Chicco was with him first.” 

He lists to the side a little and Ele’s hand catches his chest. His mouth is very, very dry. “You let him start off with Chicco? Fede!” 

“It’s probably for the best,” Edo interjects, drawing her eyes back to his. They’re wide, green, and shining in the blue light around them, and he momentarily forgets how to speak, as per fucking usual around her. “Hopefully I drank enough to forget that Eva took Gio back to fuck in my bed.” 

And the filter, that’s broken, too. 

Ele, though, smiles and shakes her head again before slipping the bottle from his hand and setting it on the counter behind him. She nods into the kitchen. “C’mon, let’s get something else to drink.” 

The fucking, the fucking Sanpellegrino, he has to tell her about the Sanpellegrino. He follows after her, stumbling only on the first step. She looks over her shoulder at him, placing a hand on his arm. He might combust. “Careful.” 

In the kitchen, he spots Marti standing with Nico next to the fridge and calls across the room, Ele fisting her hand in his shirt. “Marti, hey, in the fridge, two of the Sanpellegrino.” 

Marti manages to open the fridge amidst the mass of bodies crowded in the kitchen and ducks to look inside. “Ah, orange or pomegranate?” 

Edo looks over at Ele, raising an eyebrow, and she smiles a little smile at him. Again, he almost forgets how to speak. “Which would you like?” 

“Pomegranate, Marti, please,” she says, turning to address him and grab the cans he slides across the island counter, and Edo bites his lip when she looks back at him. So damn beautiful. She holds a can out to him, eyebrows raising. “Sanpellegrino?” 

He shrugs and leans his hip into the counter, opening the can in his hands before trading her. “Last time you came you didn’t drink anything and I wanted to make sure there was something if you decided to come again.” 

There’s that fucking smile again. “Then how’d you know my favorites?” 

“Ah,” he ducks his head. “Eva told me.” 

“Of course she did.” She doesn’t sound mad, she sounds pleased, actually, and he dares to look up. Her eyes are turned away and she sips at her drink, gaze darting around the party, and he registers a few things: her hand is still gripping his shirt and he succeeded in telling her about the Sanpellegrino. Only one thing to go, if he can fucking remember what it is. 

“What made you change your mind?” 

“Hm?” Ele peeks over at him, red, red lips curving, and he stares at them for only a moment before fixing his eyes back on hers. 

“About coming to the party.” 

“Oh.” She looks back into the crowd and the blush that spreads on her cheeks is promising. He tells his hopes to stay firmly where they are and bites his lip, leaning a little closer to hear her better, and catches a whiff of her hair, just as distracting as before. “Ah, Stephan’s flight left earlier than I thought it would, and I figured I could stop by.” 

“Very nice of you.” 

She smiles, wry, and, fuck, she’s so gorgeous. “Thank you.” 

That’s it, that’s what he needs to tell her, if she doesn’t already know. God, how embarrassing would it be if she already knows he thinks she’s beautiful? Edo swallows and prays he isn’t invading her space too much. “Ele, I need to tell you something.” 

“Okay.” Her mouth forms the word carefully, and he has to force himself to look back at her eyes. Her big, amazing eyes. Hopefully, she doesn’t notice when his breath catches in his chest. “Tell me.” 

“You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, I think,” he says and tries not to let his eyes widen too much as her hand pulls at his shirt a little more and her lips part and just the center of her brow raises, face opening. Fuck. Fuck, he’s so gone. “So fucking beautiful.” 

“Edo—” Not Edoardo, Edo. He can’t stop the smile forming on his face. 

“Hey, man.” Chicco claps him on the shoulder, startling him and Ele, and he tries not to get too annoyed. “Dina’s outside, complaining, and you know she likes you best.” 

“Chicco, really?” 

Chicco rolls his eyes. “Dude, she’s gonna call the cops if you don’t go charm her.” 

Edo really doesn’t want to, he’d much rather stay put and listen to whatever Ele was going to say, but Chicco starts pulling him out of the kitchen and he doesn’t have the best control of his body, at the moment, and winds up standing in the open doorway. Dina, their tiny little landlady, stands with her arms folded across her chest and he hopes with his whole soul that she’s feeling kind tonight. “Dina.” 

“Edo.” She’s frowning. This is not a good start. “What have I told you boys about the music?” 

The music that’s still currently playing just inside the apartment. He opens his mouth to say something, anything, but Dina’s furious gaze slides from his face to something next to him and turns immediately into something more pleasant. A small hand touches his back. “Now, who’s this?” 

He looks over his shoulder. Ele. Fuck. “Did you get a girlfriend and not tell me about her, Edoardo?” 

He panics for a moment, but Ele, amazing, fantastic, wonderful Ele, pulls his arm up around her shoulders and slides her arm around his waist. Forget combusting because she touched his chest, he might actually implode, now. Her body is so, so warm against his, even in the heat of the party, and she gives him a practiced smile before looking at Dina. “Yeah, we’ve only been dating for a little while, though. I’m Eleonora.” 

“Ondina.” Dina is smiling now, and reaches out to clasp Ele’s cheeks and plant kisses on them. “Ah, a girlfriend, just what Edo needs.” She reaches for his face, now, and he stoops so she can press a kiss there. “Oh, very good, very good.” 

Dina, so happy at the recent turn of events, toddles away with a sweet goodbye, leaving Edo standing in the open doorway, Ele still pressed into his side. “Fuck, thank you.” 

She steps back, leaning against the doorframe, and he mimics her. “Not a problem.” 

“Seriously, you saved my ass.” 

A wide, teasing grin cracks on her face and his heart spasms. God, she’s incredible. “Anything for the guy who thinks I’m the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen.” 

His own smile slips onto his mouth and he looks away. “Fuck.” 

“What, did you not mean it?” She asks, still amused, and her tone alone draws his eyes back to her face. “You’re drunk?” 

He bites his lip. “No, no, I mean it.” 

This smile kills him. “Good.” 

[thotantics]

Come Back Home

⚤   pairing — reader + Im Changkyun (monsta x)

✎ word count — 2k

✦ genre — smut, fluff

✗ warnings  — dirty talk, descriptions of sex, phone sex

Requested — can you write a, changkyun phone sex please? thankssss 💘            

Changkyun was exhausted by the time he got back to the hotel. The first thing he did when he sat down was pull his phone out of his bag, where he’d stuffed it away for safe keeping for the night. Once he turned it back on he saw a message from you that he had missed by quite a while, and the sinking feeling of guilt hit his stomach as he opened the correct app to respond to you.

Y/N[9:17pm]: are you busy Changkyun[12:42am]: I’m sorry I missed you, is everything ok? Y/N[12:42am]: hi!! yeah everythings ok, don’t worry Y/N[12:43am]: i just miss you :(

He pouted at his phone as he typed his reply. Changkyun missed you a lot, too, and he felt awful that he had left you hanging for over three hours without a response. He wanted to be a more attentive, available boyfriend. He definitely didn’t want to be laying in a hotel bed in some city so far away from the one he loved at this very moment, body sore and aching and missing the warmth of you laying next to him.

Changkyun[12:44am]: I miss you too, princess. what are you doing right now? in bed sleeping? it’s late back home, right? Y/N[12:45am]: it’s not that late. I’m in bed tho, yeah~ wbu? Changkyun[12:45am]: yes, I’m in bed, too. I wish you were here, you’d love the view from my room. Y/N[12:45am]: send me a pic??

Dutifully, Changkyun got out of bed and walked over to the big windows, the curtains still drawn open to reveal the city lights below, and he snapped a really aesthetic picture he knew you’d love. He made sure he got the angle just right and even put a cute caption over in cursive font “wish u were here”.

Y/N[12:48am]: dummy!! I wanted Y O U in the picture, too, take another

He laughed, turned the front facing camera on and swung around on the spot. He tried not to look as tired as he felt, knowing you’d fuss at him and cut your conversation short if you thought he should go to sleep. Making sure the view was visible behind him, he sent another shot, with the same fancy cursive font that this time read “is this better, brat”.

Y/N[12:49]: much better!! 😍 Changkyun[12:50am]: where’s mine? Y/N sent a photo

He tapped open the photo so he could view it in full screen, smiling serenely as he took in the sight of your tousled hair fanning out on the pillow under your head, you were wearing the shirt you stole from him to keep before he left for tour, and you had the cutest pucker on your lips, with your eyes sparkling with a happiness that he felt pierce his heart.

Changkyun[12:52am]: princess, you’re so gorgeous I can’t stop staring. Changkyun[12:52am]: look at your lips...god, I wish I could kiss you right now Changkyun[12:52am]: I’m really about to book a flight back home just for a kiss. I’m sure my hyungs will delay the concert a few days in order for me to get back Y/N[12:53am]: don’t be silly. does this help? Y/N sent a photo

Changkyun laughed when he opened the next photo to see your cute pucker right up close and personal to the camera, and he couldn’t resist sending a smooch to his screen.

Changkyun[12:54am]: don’t expect a stupid ass pic like that back from me Y/N[12:54am]: u kissed it didnt u Changkyun[12:55am]: ... maybe ... Y/N[12:55am]: lmao I love u 💗 Changkyun[12:55am]: I love you so much sweetness, I can’t wait to kiss your pretty lips for real Y/N[12:56am]: just a couple more weeks! :’) Changkyun[12:57am]: can I call you? Y/N[12:57am]: please, of course

He wanted to see you but for the moment, hearing your voice he hoped would soothe him a little bit. He knew you’d fuss if you saw how much he was yawning and the bags under his eyes. He should have come to the hotel and gone straight to sleep and normally, he knew you’d scold him about such things but Changkyun just missed you more than usual.

“Hi, honey.” You greeted him warmly and he sighed at the sound of your voice in his ear, even from his phone. He sank down onto the bed again, sprawling out on his back, and shut his eyes as he said hello back.

“You sound so sleepy.” You told him, and Changkyun laughed.

“I said one word, how do you know?”

“You should go to bed, honey.” You tell him gently, “I’ll call you in the morning, ok?”

“No, no, wait, wait, wait,” Changkyun said quickly, “I’ll get ready for bed with you on the phone, ok? Just talk to me a while, please.”

“Ok.” You chuckle and it’s like music to his ears as he stands up and begins kicking off his shoes. “How was the show tonight?”

As Changkyun gives you a brief highlight of the show, he finishes undressing and heads to the bathroom, putting the phone on the sink as he brushes his teeth. You find yourself copying his routine, following the familiar pattern that you pick up on when you’re together for long stretches of time. It gives you a thinly veiled sense of domestic stability, the only problem being the distance and length of time that you still had before you would be together again.

He realizes ahead of time that you’re about to be naked together, and what that could mean. You don’t really catch on, unable to see his face and the way arousal is causing his dick to swell.

“Are you drying off?” He asks you, reaching out for a towel and running it over his hair.

“Yeah.” You tell him, sliding your arms into your favorite plush robe and sitting down in front of the mirror, reaching for the hairbrush.

“Are you in that robe I got you for Christmas last year?” Changkyun asks you, a smirk forming on his lips because he can picture it so easily if he just shuts his eyes. You’ll have your legs crossed at the ankle and be brushing your hair, and you smell delicious, and your skin is so soft.

“Yes, I am.” You smile to yourself.

“Guess what I’m doing right now.” He tells you, and his voice is deep and whispery, laced with a roguishness that paints a clear image in your mind of exactly what it was he was doing.

“Are you doing my job?” You ask him with a playful pout.

Changkyun laughs, “Aw, princess. Are you jealous?”

“Yes.” You tell him, and truthfully you were, you could feel it in the pit of your stomach as your thighs clenched together and rubbed, throbbing in your core at the want, the need to simply turn around in your seat and take him into your hands the way you knew he was doing to himself right then.

“My hands don’t feel nearly as good as yours, baby.” Changkyun tells you sweetly, “Fuc-” He cuts off with a strangled moan, thrusting his hips forward into his tightly closed fist, “I wish it was your mouth instead.”

You lick your lips, shutting your eyes, listening closely. The sounds were maximized by the extra water covering his skin, and the slick pumping was very slow and deliberate. Your lips parted as you concentrate on the sound of Changkyun’s breath, and you slip your hand into the front of your robe, immediately seeking out your clit.

“What about my pussy?” You ask him.

“W-what about it?” He asks and you laugh.

“I bet you would want my pussy even more, right? Instead of your hand.” You encourage him, hoping that he’ll keep talking.

“Oh, fuck.” Changkyun groans, “Yeah...are you touching yourself?”

“Maybe.” You giggle.

“Tell me.”

“Yes, I’m touching myself.” You tell him quickly, “It makes me so wet to hear you touch yourself...the sounds you’re making. I’m rubbing my clit,” You bite your lip, stifling your nerves as heat floods to your cheeks, making you blush crimson at your own reflection across the bathroom counter. You turn, leaning against the counter, spreading your legs a little bit wider, and tell Changkyun, “I definitely wish it was your tongue instead.”

“But it feels good, right?” He asks you, licking his suddenly dry lips, shuffling forward and grabbing his phone in one hand, keeping a grip on his cock with the other, and he headed to go sit on the edge of the bed.

“Yeah, it feels good.” You swallow thickly, “I can’t hear you anymore. Are you still doing it too?”

“Yes, princess. I paused to get a some lube. I miss your pretty pussy, and how wet it gets for me.” He resumes stroking himself then, and you smile when you’re able to match up your fingers sliding down and pumping into your hole in time with Changkyun’s fist around his cock.

“Can I show you?” You ask him, biting your lip at the suggestion.

“Show me how wet you are?” He asks, and you hum in confirmation and he groans, his cock throbbing at the thought of seeing your wet, pink flesh.

“Facetime me.” You tell him, “I want to see you, too.”

Changkyun grabs his phone from the side of the bed to turn on video sharing, his heart racing. It doesn’t take but a few seconds to connect and when it does, he’s rewarded with your flushed face, lips parted, staring with a cute wrinkle in your brow as you wait to see him. When his face shows up on your screen, smiling and sleepy eyed, your face spreads into a wide smile.

“Hi, handsome~”

“Hi, princess.”

“I have something I wanted to show you,” You say, biting your lip and teasing him a little, lifting your hand into frame and showing him the sticky wetness that was coated over your first two fingers. “Can you see?”

“Yes, baby, I can see. Show me more.” He groans, his voice gruff and yet still somehow sugary sweet in his commands. He holds his own phone back, giving you a good view from his hand stroking his cock to just below the eyes.

You give him a nice close up of his favorite things. You toy with your breasts, circling your nipples to let him watch them harden, his tongue practically reaching out to caress them through the phones as in stared.

“Don’t forget the other one.” He tells you when you start to move to your hips, so you pan back up with a giggle and toy with your opposite nipple, too, drawing some of the wetness from between your legs to circle the bud of your breast into a tight peak.

He rewards you for that by swiping his thumb over the head of his dick to collect the precum and then telling you, “Good girl.” before he sucks it off. You move on down, parting your legs and moving a little bit into better lighting, your free hand spreading your lower lips delicately.

“Fuck!” Changkyun gasps, stroking himself considerably faster and harder than he had been. “Fuck, look at you...so fucking juicy.”

“Do you see what you do to me baby?” You purr to him, rubbing your clit briefly before you plunge two fingers deep into your hole, matching the frantic pace with which he was jerking on his dick. “Keep doing it, just like that,” You pant, “Make me cum.”

Changkyun doesn’t stop, he stares with his jaw unhinged at his phone in his hand and strokes his cock fast and hard, squeezing it tight and thankful he added a liberal amount of lube. The visual in front of him helps with the illusion, and the way you were gasping and moaning openly for him as if he was there, fucking into you, and if it was really him that was about to make you cum, and not your own fingers.

“A-ahh!” He groans loud, a warning falling from his lips that’s barely coherent, and he bucks his hips up into his fist. He cries out your name, and then, “Cum with me, ok? Now. Now, now!”

The very first streak of white that paints up his tensed torso, his muscles flexing and his face scrunching up sends you flying over the edge right along with him. Your hips jerk forward and it explodes out of you, gushing a little bit over your fingers as your grind your clit into the heel of your hand.

Changkyun hasn’t had this sort of relief in far too many days, and by the end of it he’s covered his stomach and thighs and his hand all in streaks and small puddles of white. You tell him that if you were there, you’d lick it up for him with your tongue, and he groans, cock throbbing.

“Fuck, princess, what are you trying to do to me?” He groans.

“You started it.” You tell him with a giggle.

“Thanks for this, by the way. I love you, Y/N.”

“I love you, Changkyun.” You tell him with a dreamy sigh, “I can’t wait until you come home.”

[kos-mos]

kay let’s just do this the way I do things best

bluntly

I am thinking I may have schizophrenia or DID or both, I’m still looking into things and this is very difficult to have to do myself but here’s what I know so far.

I have hallucinated before, I only tend to do it when i’ve had bad paranoia (and I’ve only had visual ones once before) but ye sometimes when I’m anxious I will hear shit. don’t know why that one never concerned me before now

I shift personalities very quickly and dramatically. here’s the 2 jade modes; 1) very apathetic, little harsh, still goofy. and 2) EXTREMELY emotional, kind of a mess, too touchy feely

I brushed that one aside for quite some time because while those are dramatically different I never had the whole experience of “oh I can’t remember what this alt did the other day” even tho I have general memory problems. after forgetting most of my life while being emotional jade tonight tho I’m kinda :/

I found I also match up with a lot of the other smaller symptoms (obviously I’m very apathetic a lot, I often can’t physically show emotion, etc.) and i just

i feel its time to start drawing conclusions and maybe start working things out because I’ve spent way too long just ‘questioning’ and things have only gotten worse since then

[essentiallychaotic]

85 statements R U L E S : you must answer these eighty five statements and tag twenty people I was tagged by the always wonderful @acynicandanidealist​ ^-^ (also sorry if this has been tagged for a bit, my tumblr didn’t tell me so if I’m doing this weirdly late whoops :/ ) I would like to tag: @skittles-pixie​, @pacificjim​, @khanleesi​, @keepingkaya​, @astreana​, @elfiethewicked​, @bleustocking​, @cuemypulse​, @wingleader​, @lokidiabolus​, @scribbly-wibbly-stuff​, @stenchy-wench​, @universalhouseplant​, @shalanos​, @nancysinatras​, @dragonsdawn​, @hungry-angry-lyingdown​, @horaetio​, @inktaire​, @pntmrcys​, aanndd anyone else who wants to do it!

Also sorry if the formatting is wonky, I’m on mobile. Part 1: the last: drink: Water, I have this like quart mason jar with a drink lid, cause I’m one of those people I guess :P phone call: I talked to my Dad this afternoon text message: Uummm… I had to go check haha, it was Cece song you listened to: Probably something by David Bowie this morning (followed by me wandering around the house just singing his name, just repeated dramatic “Bowie!” My dogs loved it) Ooo unless movies count, then whatever is the credits song for the new Ghostbusters :D time you cried: I cried cutting up shallots tonight… other than that idk… I cried during Wonder Woman, seeing my childhood hero portrayed so perfectly was emotional Part 2: Ever: dated someone twice: Like gone on two dates? Yes. I think I’ve gone on two dates (technically three) with two different people. I don’t really date much tho, it takes so much time and college is a lot of work kissed someone and regretted it: Nah, I’ve learned something about how people are every time, hard to regret useful life lessons been cheated on: That involves a relationship so no lost someone special: No one that has passed away, but last fall I had to realise that a friendship had turned really toxic and was impacting my stress and health, which was really hard because she was very important to me, and losing that friendship has been a point of pain this year been depressed: Yes, I’ve just gotten to the point in the last two years where I am able to manage it and not let my depression or anxiety impact my life. I’m really lucky that I don’t have to take meds for it, mainly because I’m super forgetful and never remember to take any pills I’ve ever had gotten drunk and thrown up: Yes and I don’t recommend it. It’s very not fun Part 3: Favourite colours: Green, blue, brown, gold, and red Part 4: In the last year have you: made new friends: I have, and they are all wonderful people fallen out of love: Nope laughed until you cried: I think I have, but even if I haven’t actually cried I’ve gotten close, I’m blessed with wonderfully funny people and pets in my life ^-^ found out someone was talking about you: Yeah my professors, apparently it was nice things but it still freaks me out when they casually are just like “oh that reminds me, we were talking about you at the meeting the other day…” met someone who changed you: Maybe more of met people who affirmed my belief that people can be good and kind and caring, and that I should keep working to be present in the kind and caring parts of myself (cause boy did I used to be bitter and grumpy) found out who your friends are: I feel like this is that “when times get tough you’ll find who your REAL friends are” kinda thing… which I don’t really put a lot of stock in because I think awareness of who people are and where they are at is important in respecting them as individuals… I did lose a couple of friends in the whole big ending toxic friendship thing, but I kinda saw those coming and there’s no hard feelings kissed someone on your facebook list: Nope Part 5: General: how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: I have met them all in real life but one. He and his friends were drunk and at the same hostel as my friend when she was on the phone with me and he asked her if he could talk to her friend and it was hilarious and he added me on facebook do you have any pets: Two puppies do you want to change your name: Nah, my name means born of fire, and I kinda like that… plus it also is connected to my mom’s name in a weird, circuitous way and I like that too what did you do for your last birthday: I had class and work, and then planned on meeting up with friends for our usual pub-and-board-games night and they surprised me with cheesecake and those candles that relight themselves… it was a fun night :) what time did you wake up: 9am-ish what were you doing at midnight last night: Playing with my phone I think… reading something on Ao3 name something you can’t wait for: I start grad school in Belfast this fall, so I’m really excited and also crazy nervous about that when was the last time you saw your mom: A couple of hours ago when we were watching Ghostbusters (I love that movie, Melissa McCarthy is my hero) what are you listening to right now: Silence. Also my dog licking her paws. Everyone here is asleep. have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yeah, remember that one random friend on facebook? His name was Tom… there are probably other from college but I’m drawing a blank something that is getting on your nerves: Just… just so much of the social inequality and how badly our social system fails people who need support… and the fact that their voices aren’t respected and sought out when it comes to telling their stories, like what is that??? most visited website: Ummm… tumblr, gmail, facebook, and my grad school’s website are probs all really close rn hair colour: Natural is a mediumish darker brown colour… currently it’s a brownish/purple colour bc I dyed it months ago and just let it fade long or short hair: Shoulder length, so longish? It makes it easier to control my curls and make them feel fun do you have a crush on someone: Nope what do you like about yourself: Aahhh…. I like to think I’m fun to hang out with I guess… I’m that person whose like “let’s go on an adventure!” And then drags friends to walmart at midnight before walking around campus piercings: I have my ears pierced, and my nose. I used to have my septum pierced too but I took it out. blood type: B positive nickname: Mack or Kenzi relationship status: Happily single, dating takes work and always feels like I’m trying to present this nice and shiny version of myself…. anyone else feel that? zodiac: Aries pronouns: She/Her favourite tv show: Gilmore Girls gets my soul, but Stargate Atlantis is right there too tattoos: Tribalesque (i don’t know any other way to describe it) Celtic woman on one shoulder blade, Celtic tree of life on the other, I have the words “hope is a thing with feathers” (Emily Dickinson) on my left forearm, two black bands around my right forearm, three dots on my right hand ring finger, and this three dots, three lines celtic symbol on my left ring finger (those last two were done in my dorm room last year by friends). I’m also about to get a rose on my right forearm and my bro and I are going to get small sibling tattoos right or left handed: Right, but I can kinda write with my left bc in elementary school this kid in my class broke their dominant arm and it freaked me out bc if that happened to me I wouldn’t be able to do my schoolwork so I practised writing with my left hand. (I can also write so it’s perfectly backwards like a mirrored image bc I used to get bored in class sometimes) piercing: Yup. sport: I watch soccer and baseball, but I don’t play anything (Sleep break and also tired of fighting with mobile yaaayyy) vacation: Oooohhh anyplace with marvellous culture and history really. But I’d love to go to Paris or Rome. pair of trainers: Do converse count? Part 6: more general : eating: All food is wonderful but I love my dad’s bigos stew. drinking: Water with lemon in it. Or coffee and tea I’m about to: Finish watching Ladies in Lavender then go to bed. 

waiting for: Grad school to start this fall. (See: also slightly nervous about starting) want: To see the David Bowie exhibit in Seattle. get married: If I find the right person. I want something lowkey and fun tho, like a party that happens to have a wedding at it haha. career: I dunno, I’m looking at college professor/author right now. Or just switching gears and pursuing musical theatre haha. hugs or kisses: I like hugs more, but not when people just surprise me with them. lips or eyes: Always eyes. shorter or taller: I’m 5'9" so I guess taller…? older or younger: I am 24 sooo I feel older but really that’s quite young in the grand scheme of things. nice arms or nice stomach: I gotta be real I love nice biceps. hook up or relationship: Relationship. troublemaker or hesitant: Depends on my mood and the situation. kissed a stranger: Yup. drank hard liquor: Yeppers, quite a bit actually. lost glasses or contact lenses: I misplace my glasses around the house all of the time but not actually lost them yet thank goodness. turned someone down: Yes. sex on the first date: Not my scene. broken someone’s heart: I really hope I haven’t, but I feel like I might have. had your heart broken: Only platonically by friendships that went south been arrested: Nope, and I hope to keep it that way haha. cried when someone died: I’ve yet to have someone I know personally die, and I hope it’s a long way off still. fallen for a friend: I have friends that I was attracted to at the start of our friendship, but never really fallen for them no. Part 7: do you believe in: yourself: I do now, but it took several years. miracles: I do, but I also think they’re not quite what we describe for them in our cultural narratives . love at first sight: No, love involves seeing people clearly and unconditionally caring for them. I think we can have connection at first sight but not love really. Santa Claus: I believe that Santa Clause is the spirit of Christmas and a wonderful way to see good in the world. kiss on the first date: Depends. But normally no. I did have a first date that ended in a firm handshake. That was interesting. He was also the one who on our second date listened to me explain the beowulf text narrative arc for St Christopher and was genuinely interested so… angels: I am definitely open to the possibility. Part 8: Other: current best friend’s name: Cece is my bae. eye colour: Green. Favourite movie: Reality Bites or Pride and Prejudice

[sayadesrina]

Chapter 1 - It Never Has A Meaning, It Does

(If Chloe was a designer, and Beca still on music label production)

Brooklyn, New York

*** 'Where are some manners went through nowadays ?' Chloe packed her bag and looking for her assistant, that already gone 3 hours long just for lunch! She just want to step out through her door’s room, when the one that she looked for already stood up in front of the door and ready to knock. “Seriously Riles? It’s already 4! What are you ate? Bunch of rocks?”, Chloe step forward through Riley, and stop near by the desk that full of anything that she’s always considered as garbage. “..and please can somebody throw away these whole shits from this desk?” “Noted boss”, Riley following Chloe that has appointment for meeting up their new client. It takes 2 hours long to ride on their destination, they should go since 2 PM just because Riley, she took a deep breath for waited her assistant back from her ‘Gone with the wind that already been her habit, for lifetime’. Chloe take driver seat, although it’s not her own car that they always used to company needs. The company owned it. She let Riley to take seat beside her, the passenger one. “Where have you been Riles? I’m just wondering..” “Something urgent happened, okay? Can you just chill out?”, her sighed does sounds like she’s sick of any Chloe’s pep talk about her. “..and can you just told me about that? Maybe I can help you out” Riley have no word that come out from her mouth. “I’m sorry if I way to hard on you, but you must to know, that manner will always make you grow up.”

***

The Apartment

“Hey ginger! How’s it going?” was first voice that Chloe hear when she’s unlock her apartment’s door. She throw herself into the couch ready to nap, “Chloe Beale save the day again, yay!” she’s rolled her eyes. “Wait…what?!” “It’s Riley, Becs. She’s always freak me out! How’s she can get promoted if she’s always acted like a dumb”, Chloe grab her pillow to cover her face. “Did you mean, dumb and dumber”, she pointed her finger to Chloe’s face. “What do you mean?!” “Yeah, you’re the dumber one, you knew that she’s unreliable, but you still kept her tho.” Beca giggling while make something on her cup. “If her mother not forced my mother that made my mother finally forced me, to brought her into the company.” “You need to relax Chlo, here” She handed a cup of coffee to Chloe. “…and now, you have to make your smart brain to think harder, you have to train her.” She raised her eyebrow. The whole expressions that Beca got from her, tells Beca every big question in Chloe’s mind. “Yasss, you’ve got all the talents that every designer want to have…and now you have to give your nephew at least one of them. So, she can be useful for you, got it ?” “You’re the genius one Becs!” Chloe drained her cup and ready to build her ideas into reality.

***

Residual Heat Studio

Beca open her door’s room and find a guy that very familiar to her, that she hasn’t seen for long time. “Jesse? What are you doing here?” Her shouted make Jesse startled. “Ohh…Hi Beca!” The door’s room opened again, “Hey Beca, Sorry I’m forgot to tell you that you have a visitor…” Her voice getting slower. Stacie feel the awkwardness inside the room, she’s turn around quickly and leave them together. Beca raised her eyebrow, “So, you haven’t answered my question.” “Ah, yes. So, I came back here from New York, finally got my proper job, thank God! I owned these theatrical things, and I need to find some creative roles to fill it…” Jesse’s explanation make her forehead’s frown, still talkative, she’s think. “…I’m already looked for long time, and I got none. Besides…” “Ah, please don’t say that..” “…I’m really missed you Beca!” one simple sentence that made Beca’s smirk. *sigh “So, what do you want, dude?” Beca fix her table that make it even worse, because actually she’s way to word ‘neat’, and Chloe always took the role. Jesse step slightly to Beca, shown his delightful smile that always being remembered by her. “Can you help me to fulfill my dream?” “Ugh, gross! Stay away from me Jess, at least 3 metres away...” That make Jesse step backward on her. “…and why I have to help you with that?” “Because, we’re lover!” “..ex-lover, you mean by that?” Beca’s smirk again and again. “haha you’re so funny, we didn’t broke up baby.” “What? Are you insane? You broke me up last year, because you have to go to New York with your bitch-girlfriend and…” Beca’s lower her notes. “…really, did we have to talk about it again?” she’s grumbled, and step forward to door. “Please, Jess just leave. I’m happy here without you anymore.” “But, Beca…” Beca open the door, and look at Stacie, “Stace, call the security to escort this dude into the front door, please ?” “Oh..sure!” “But, Bec…Beca…wait up..” and Jesse’s voice dissapeared with the door’s slammed. dung! New message!

From : Fat Amy Message : Hey Babes! Don’t forget to attend our party tonight, don’t even dare to late! Those guys are ready for us! See y’all!!

“Ah…nice!”

***

In The Club

“Hello…bitchesss!!” Amy run and suddenly hug the whole gangs tightly. “Ugh..stop it Ames, I can’t breathe!” Beca grumbled. “I missed you guys!” No one more excited than Amy tonight. “Uhm..please Ames, we lived together with Chloe, remember that?” “Not you Brunette!” Lily bring some bottles and glasses to their table, to get drunk intentionally. It’s already 3 hours since they talked about anything in their life. Aubrey and Emily dancing and singing wilder than anyone else tonight. Stacie was too busy to flirt with some guys on the other table. Beca look around, and get something not usual that she didn’t recognized earlier. “Where’s Chloe?” “Yeah, where’s our party starter?!” Aubrey already got drunk, and hold two bottles in her both hands. Everyone shook their heads, because no one know where’s Chloe now, or what was she doing now. “Beca! I heard, Jesse stopped by your studio this evening, is that right?” Flo got excited. “Ugh…Stace!” Beca rolled her eyes. “Wait..what? Jesse?? That dumb guy??” Amy almost choked because of that. “Why you always called him by dumb Ames?” Beca got curious. “Yeah, he want to hooked up with you Grumpy…” Amy talk loudly while pointing her finger to Beca’s nose. “…and now, he want to hook up with you again.” add Aubrey, while laughing out loud. “Ugh…you’re so drunk guys.”

***

The Apartment

Beca walk out from her bedroom with half-conscious through the kitchen. “Morning, Becs!” Chloe put smile on her face brightly, while she cooked breakfast for Beca and Amy. She looks so tired, there's black circle under her eyes. Beca got startled, she’s like saw a ghost in front of her. “Wow..Chlo, where have you been last night?” Beca grab her cup and fill it with water. “You have no idea Becs.” and leave Beca with her big question mark in mind. “What do you mean by that? Seriously, I didn’t get that.” Beca raised her eyebrows. “Nah, it doesn’t matter babes”, Chloe split the dish on 2 plates, it’s fried rice with scramble eggs above it. “Now, eat your breakfast, and I’ll get myself suit up” “…But, Chlo!”, Chloe already going into her room, when Beca started to grumbled to her. Amy stepped outside her room, and when she sees plate that full of fried rice..”Wow breakfast! I’ll crush it quickly. Thanks Chloe, you’re the best!” Beca shook her head while chew her meal quickly. “what happened with her?” “Me? I’m just empty my plate Beca, what’s so wrong about that?” “Not you Ames, it’s Chloe.” Amy stop chewing, and look around through Chloe’s door, “Nothing’s weird I guess, don’t worry Beca, maybe she’s just need to breathe.” ‘Yeah, I guess so’ Beca look at Chloe’s door at a glance, and hoping that everything’s gonna be alright.

***

Pixar Motion Pictures

“Hey, Sister. Can I come in?” Chloe nodded her head, “Since when you kind a being nice to me?” Chloe sees her nephew’s gesture, that not usual. “What can I do for you Riles?” “Aw, straight to the point. You prefer being like that, right ?” Riley grab her chair in front of Chloe. “Proceed.” Chloe’s right hand still busy with her stylus pen on the drawing tablet. “You knew that guy, right? That seated beside you yesterday, the blue shirt one, with black collar, chocolate chino, and…” “…yes, I knew him. It’s Dave.” Chloe place her stylus on the table, and stare at her, just like ‘now, what do you want Riles’ “Ah, yes yes him, Dave. Can you introduce me to him?” Riley looks so excited about that, it’s like there are millions stars in her eyes right now, with no doubt at all. “What? Why I have to do that for you?” Just like Chloe’s presumption earlier. “I like him, a lot!” Riley yelled at her, while get up from her chair. Chloe shook her head fervently. “Just get out of here Riles.” Riley didn’t get what Chloe said. about that, she’s get mad. “What’s so wrong about that, Chloe? Did you like him either, huh?” “You’re too much. I won’t hear anymore Riles, just back to your tasks, it’s waiting for you.” Chloe step to her door, open it and ask her to get out. “Okay, I don’t need your help tho!” She’s get really mad, she step outside while slam the door, right in front of Chloe’s face. ‘inhale…exhale…’ the one thing that only Chloe can do right now. dung! New message!

From : Beca Mitchell Message : Hey babes! Do you mind to walk in several blocks from your office? Starbucks 4 PM, sharp!These whole co-worker shits bother me a lot. See you soon!

***

Starbucks

“1 double-shots ice americano, and 1 ice caramel machiato, please” Chloe look around inside Starbucks to find her brunette, and gotcha! The black all-in-dress on the corner. “Hey, Becs! How’s it going?” Chloe grab her chair, right in front of Beca, and smiles brightly like she always did. Beca always wondering, how Chloe always put her smiles on, in any conditions. She’s always want to being like that, but she’s too honest to express her feelings everytime. “Wait..is finally Universal hired you to produce some musics for them?” “Nah, you gotta be kidding me.” Chloe can’t figure it out what happened to her best friend right now. “It’s about Jesse, Chlo.” was one and only answer that never been in Chloe’s mind. “Wait…what? I didn’t get that Becs.” “Yesterday, Jesse came up to my studio…” “…to finally hook up with you again? After these whole times? Hell No!” protest Chloe, some dissapointment draw on her face. “Please Chlo, don’t cut it out my words…” Beca throw some tissues to her. “…he looked for some creative roles, for his theatrical things that he owned now.” “Wow..wow..stop right there, so Jesse has his own theaters ?” Chloe gasped. “..yeah, well he said so. But, I’m not sure enough.” The barista called Chloe’s name, she grab her orders as fast as she can. “I said no, of course, and I asked security to escorted him got out from the studio.” “..wow, that’s my girl yeah!” in second Chloe feel proud of Beca’s gutt. “thank babes!...” Beca drink her caramel machiato, and now left in by half. “…but, now the disaster came up.” Chloe’s expression tells everything that she’s so curious about that. “Jesse came to my boss, and gave his proposal…” Chloe’s jaw dropped. “…and is he agree?” “…in a flash.” “Wow…that was so amazing!” Chloe almost chocked with her own americano. “Chlo!—“ Beca smack her, and make her laughing out loud. “—Stop it! It’s not funny at all, you know. It sucks!” “Chill out Becs. As long as you never get hook up again with Jesse, all is well” “But…how ?” Beca start to imagine that she start her day to meet Jesse everyday as a partner. “Working with ex’s never get it right you know, but well, just take it for granted.” Chloe hold her breath. “You can stop it, when you reach your limits” And again, Chloe always has something to say that make anyone around her, feel comfortably safe from their bad day. 

***

The Apartment

Amy step inside the apartment while handed 2 big bags donuts, and stop it when she sees Chloe was already on her dress, her black dress that stopped on knee and brown boots on her both feet. “Where are you going Chloe? Didn’t you see me, brought these whole donuts for us?” Said Amy, she seems dissapointed. “Hey, what’s going on?” Beca step inside either, and shut the door behind her. “Uhm..sorry guys, I have to attend this company celebration party.” Chloe check out her make-up once more before she finally going out with her car, and made Beca gave assumption that ‘you seems won’t to be attend.’ Yes, you’re right Becs, deep down inside, I won’t. *** Company Celebration’s Party “Good night Ladies and Gentleman! Happy 55th Anniversary to Pixar Motion Pictures!—“ said the MC’s that already owned the stage from the start. Every eyes in this ballroom looked at him. “—And welcome to Moose Production House, to being our partner for this project, cheers!” Riley arrived to the ballroom, and first person that she look up for is Dave, her deadly crush, as she always said, and gotcha! She found Dave, her steps was very confident to coming up for Dave. “Hey, Dave!” She’s interupting Dave with his friends. “Oh..Hi Riley!—” Dave look around Riley, and he didn’t see the girl that he’s already waited for. “—where’s Chloe?” “Who’s Chloe, Dave?” one of Dave’s friends curious about that, because Dave always mention that name everytime they hang out. “Yeah, you always mentioned her!” Dave just giggling everytime his friends so curious about that. Meanwhile, Riley that stand beside him, listen to it carefully. “Ah..Chloe? Is she your ex Dave?” One of Dave’s friends scratch his chin smoothly while remembering few years ago. “Ah..yes, I’m pretty sure that, this girl was your ex, when you went to Art School, right Dave?” “Bull’s eye, dude!” Riley dropped her jaw, get in shock literally, she’s almost drop her pouch. Few minutes later, a girl with black dress, red wave-hair head, mind her step through many people inside the ballroom, bright smile on her face, and stop by them. Everyone greet her with wide smile, including Dave, that already waited for her attending. “Hey, Chloe!” 2 words that made his friends tease Dave again. “So Dave, this is Chloe, right?” Chloe nodded her head. “Hi, I’m Ben!” “Don’t make fun of it Benjamin, I knew you” Chloe hugged Ben warmly, and confusing the rest of them. “Ben was my college’s friend guys” “What? So, you pretending to didn’t know her, Ben?” Asked Dave, still didn’t believe that. “I didn’t Dave at first, until she came out from her car, and step inside the ballroom—” Ben explained everything that they have to know. “—and what? Is Dave your ex, Chloe? How come? This jerk—“ *SLAP SOUND* Neither Chloe, or Dave and the rest of them got shock for what happened, and every couple eyes in this ballroom turn away to them. “Why did you do that Riley?” Dave grab her hand roughly. Both Riley and Chloe didn’t expected that she can did that, and after that Riley just ran away outside the ballroom. Chloe got speechless. “Are you okay, Chloe?” asked Ben softly. “Yeah, I’m okay.” trying to put her smile on her face, although still got shock, not because her cheek’s hurt, it’s because she felt being humiliated with her own nephew. ***

[survivortaveuni]

Episode 13: “Chaos Squad” -Lily

This is a fun one. 

So, at this point, Chaos Squad’s plan worked, so now they made an alliance chat. That made it official. They would all stick together, of course. 

Now, there were two distinct sides: Chaos Squad’s alliance, composed of Charlotte, Jack E, Jordan, and Lily; and then the other side, which was made up of Charlotte, LA, Steffen, and Tyler. Charlotte was in both of them, making her the swing vote. 

Jordan won immunity for the second time. After this, he revealed to his alliance that he had yet another idol, the Rainbow Idol. This gave Chaos Squad all the more power. Their target was Steffen once again. Chaos Squad was very confident in this vote because of the fact they had the majority and had a Rainbow Idol in their hands. They were so confident that they wanted to spell out Chaos Squad with all of their votes to make their presence known (and I just wanna say, thank you for doing this ;D). 

Initially, Charlotte didn’t trust Steffen, so she was eager to get him out. However, Charlotte became wary of the rest of Chaos Squad; to her eyes, they seemed much tighter, and she thought she was on the bottom of that alliance. She couldn’t get Jordan out, though. For awhile she (and the others) had been wary of Lily and her power in the game. Charlotte decided to flip back to her old allies, and together they blindsided Lily in a 4-3 vote, creating the amazingly beautiful, iconic CHAOS SQU vote. 

Hoo Boy Shitheads This Is Fucking Happening, a three page essay by me So, I had been slightly out of tune with the game for the first bit of merge, but I think now I've gained a full understanding of whom stands where'st'd've, and the signs are looking good. Here's the lay of the land, and the land of lay's potato chips (not sponsored). Okay, so there are two distinct alliances at this point. Me, Jordan, Jack, and Charlotte on one side, and then Steffen, Tyler, and LA on the other side. Steffen might think I still wanna work with him, but he also may know that I'm against him. Steffen's entire side /thinks/ they have Jack with them, which is going to be a huge help for this next vote, since that means Steffen won't need to risk his extra vote. Even if he does, we'll win on the re-vote. The main problem here is LA of course, though, because that's who must have the Rainbow Idol. None of the people in our alliance have the idol, Steffen was the one who originally let me know it was taken, LA seemed to have all the stamps a while ago, and Tyler is... Tyler. So that rules out everyone but LA. It'll just leave us in a scramble if LA ends up using the rainbow idol or being voted out, seeing who can reach their host chat first and slide into that merchant's DMs. And I'll be waiting. Watching. Winning. Weedsmoking-- I mean what

Kevin’s note: Lily only just beginning to gain confidence at this point of all points is hilarious

Another night, another tribal council. I'm starting to hate half the people on this tribe, if I'm being honest. If they're not shady, they're just stupid - and I'm not sure what's worse. (Not everyone - I love some of you. But  l o r d e  ) First of all, I'm just going to say - I'm sorry to anyone I offend with my salty ass confessionals, but if ya'll had just listened to me three votes ago we wouldn't even be here. Steffen. Welcome to your tape. I wanted to work with you. I did, trust and believe, but not once, not twice, but three times you were so shady that it became impossible to trust you. Half the things I said to you ended up getting back to other people, and trying to get anything out of you was like drawing blood from a stone... and for someone I was supposed to be in an alliance with, bruh, you didn't tell me jack shit. That's why I don't trust you. That's why I'm voting you out tonight. Not because Jordan has me in his pocket. Not because 'talking to charlotte is talking straight to jordan'. I'm voting for you because I don't trust you. I don't trust you to keep me safe, I don't trust you to get me further in the game, and I don't trust you not to take anything I say and repeat it to other people. Do I like you as a person? Yes. Would I have rather worked with you than Jordan fucking Pines? Also yes. But here we are. My point still stands... if we'd just voted out Jordan that week he wasn't safe and I brought it up. SMH. but ya'll didn't think it was time to do it, maybe this game wouldn't have ended the way that it did. I could side with the 'Heroes' of the game and try to get out Jack E, or Lily, and see how far that gets me... but when you flip on a 'villain', they're going to come at you with everything they've got and be out for blood. It's not in my best interest to flip on them right now.. best case scenario, Jordan and or Lily realize they have a better chance winning against  me than each other, since they've both played awesome games, and I can slither my way to the end without too much blood on my hands. Sorry, ya'll. Villains gotta vil. 

Why did I put myself in the middle of Steffen and Jordan? Because I'm an idiot that's why. If no big move happens this tribal, I'll be the next one gone because Tyler is just a goat at this point and people will wanna drag him along. Steffen doesn't think Lily will turn on Jordan and Char probably won't turn on Lily and Jordan will get his pick of ftc 'cause of all that. I really need to win the next immunity challenge if I survive this tribal.

later...

Note to self: Don't try and plan with Char Mo at 2 am again.  This might not be a mess anymore. 

Okay, so, remember that salty confessional about Steffen? Depending on how conversations go this afternoon, he might get to live. It's all about making sure we're all on the same page. It's all about the devil you know, vs the devil you have no control or sway over. If we can blindside Lily on this vote... that would be a game changing move.

Kevin’s Note: This was sent not even two hours after she ranted about Steffen, I love it

Okay you know what I said in my last confessional??? Yeah forget all of that apparently Jordan has the rainbow idol so we're 100% good on this, only thing to worry about is regular advantages from Steffen LA and Tyler (soon to just be LA and tyler >:3) Sorry for being so quiet btw, I kinda died about a month ago so I haven't been able to talk

The plan tonight is to get Lily out. Since we can't get Jordan out, we plan to get out his closest ally, Lily. Charlotte came to Steffen and I saying that the other side of Jordan, Lily, and Jack think that she is working with them, but she isn't. She said they were targeting Steffen. If this goes as planned, we rope LA in and then we get Lily out and the four of us will be the majority and we can pick them off. 

Dear Abandoned Diary, So as we know the plan to get jordo to flush his chaos idol worked so you know, that's a party, but SOMEHOW THE PLAN FOUND ITS WAY BEACK TO GOOD OLD PINSO. So now I'm sitting here, down an ally and wanting to die, so LA and I go to the shelter crying about how much we don't trust Jordan and this whole mess.  I'm feeling down and out since it seems Charlotte went all the way over to Jordan and Jordan's immune, A RECIPE FOR GOOD!!! I have no idea what to do, so I call LA and we plan to talk to Tyler and Charlotte separately, so I'm here talking to Charlotte seeing what I can do to save my ass, even saying we didn't need to go after Lily cause they were close, even tho it was clear Lily was closer to Jordan, she wasn't answering so I went to make out with my date, then I grab my phone after an hour or so, and Charlotte says "she's been thinking" SHES BEEN THINKING YALL ITS A BLOODY MIRACLE Turns out she wants to mount a blindside on Lily, because of the reasons that have been laid out to her, AND I FINALLY FIND OUT WHO'S BEEN THAT RATTY HOBISKIT, turns out it was Jack E who leaked the plans and everything to Jordan......god damn it, I thought TS MEANT SOMETHING, either way I'm here with this news of not being able to trust Jack with anything anymore, but now I know I can trust LA. So we devise a plan to vote out Lily, but make it seem I'm voting out Jack or Charlotte.  ATM Charlotte and I are placing a lot of trust in each other, so we're here hoping for the best, or I'm just hoping I'm not getting played tonight and Jordan's rainbow idol (yes he has the rainbow idol) doesn't get played to save Lily, cause that'd be a problem.  Anyways I could leave tonight with an extra vote in my pocket, but that thing ain't gonna come in handy tonight, if anything, I need EVERYONE to do what they say they're gonna do, so if all is done correctly, it should be 4-3, if not well it's been real y'all. Sitting here having an emotional breakdown in a Starbucks, Steffen

I should probably feel bad about turning on my alliance, but since I've flipped back and forth like twelve times... well, you do what you gotta do to survive. Basically I need to do whatever I need to do in order to get myself as far in this game as possible. Sorry, Chaos Squad. If I turned on Steffen and Tyler so quickly, you probably should have expected that I'd do the same to you guys. Lily and Jordan have played together before and they're a strong duo. Suggesting trying to take her out was in my best interest with Jordan safe. If the votes fall on me tonight and I actually go home, hey, I commend them for getting the best of me. 

either i'm going home tonight or i make it to the final 6. i love making very bland confessionals xoxoxo

The most difficult think about this round is making our votes aesthetically pleasing. Its the only challenge we have

[de-constructionsite]

Drunk Dancing

They emerged from the steamy basement and into the cool night. Bodies milled up and down the sidewalk, smoking joints and cigarettes, fiddling with smart phones, kissing and grabbing each other and they wove their way around without drawing any notice and linked up with Allie and Arroya where the crowd dispersed and night began. Terrence walked beside Allie who was connected at the arm to Arroya. Their bodies were warm and wet from dancing, their skin felt chilled in the evening air. Cars screeched past, trunks rumbling and rattling with deafening bass, the growling sounds echoed off the walls of the skyscrapers all around them. Drunken bodies appeared now and again, solo and in pairs and packs, navigating the sidewalk. None of them could find a word to say and so they listened to the night and grew restless in the late night heat. They could think of nothing.

A few blocks north of the diner, it’s big red shimmering sign came into view. J-E-N-S spelt out vertically along the wall of the three-story building. All the apartments above the diner were dark and sleepy.  A larger, louder group of people appeared three blocks ahead passing beneath the red neon sign, parading north with great exuberance towards Terrence and Allie and Arroya. They all merged together a block and a half later, smiling awkwardly, passing with lighthearted greetings in a night of fleeting memories. Allie and Arroya plowed through, linked arm in arm. Terrence passed through the mob behind them bearing a quiet smile as he crossed the final human’s path. She came in to focus beneath the orange streetlight, a blur of bushy brown hair. It was Rosy.

“Oh, fuck,” said Terrence.

Rosy smiled with the warmth of the sun. “Well look who it is,” she said.

All accompanying parties had made the appropriate about faces to figure out what interjection had caused their abrupt halt.

Rosy smirked deviously. Terrence thought of an otter for a moment, only to quickly feel his brain deliquescing down into his spinal column and lungs and his toes tingled and he almost choked on his own spit. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,” he thought, and then spoke. “The wayward one returns home.”

“I’m here,” she said, glancing back at her friends. “I’ll call you, or something,” she told them. “This is an old friend. Is your phone good?”

Another woman in the mob nodded, “yes,” she said. Rosy turned back to Terrence. He shooed off Allie and Arroya.

The night felt crisp. A slight breeze ruffled the trees lining the sidewalks. The streets suddenly felt cavernous and hollow.

She was as Terrence had recalled her, the same short curly brown hair, the same nose, defined and pointed and deep brown, her thick-rimmed spectacles. She wore a white blouse and dark blue skirt that fluttered about her knees like the leaves in the trees.

“Well,” she said. “Let’s find a place to talk.”

And so Terrence walked to the Jen’s, another block away, and unsurprisingly found Arroya and Allie sitting side-by-side in one of the noisy rubber booths. The seats were brilliant red and squeaked when they squirmed about in them. Allie looked at Terrence, utterly baffled, and Terrence looked back at her broad and dumb like, “What was I supposed to do?” and Arroya looked at the white boy thinking “Boy you could have brought her anywhere but here,” and Rosy saw the two girls and recognized them and immediately smiled wide and bright, like the ocean this time. The counter seemed an appropriate place to sit and so he took a stool and Rosy popped a squat beside him.

A waitress set out flimsy plastic menus before them and poured ice water from a pitcher in two red cups. The ice clattered and cracked softly. The waitress left them to examine their menus.

“I almost forgot that last dream,” Terrence said.

Rosy looked at him, still smiling, always smiling. As reliable as the ocean and taxes and death. “Hmm,” she said. “What happened in that dream?”

“Ha. Maybe I’ve overlooked others since then, huh?”

“I’m just kidding. The one out near Sisters. Sylvia. Ya, I remember that one.”

“Feels surreal, seeing you back here. In person, I mean. As opposed to a dream,” he said, to which Rosy could not say a thing. She just sipped from her cup, stared at the wall behind the bar. She was afraid Terrence was about to reach out and touch her arm or something. He wanted to but wouldn’t dare.

The sound of forks and knives clattering on plates filled the room with sharp, metallic chaos. Terrence turned his head and observed Allie with her arm thrown around Arroya. They leaned into one another, hunched over a plate of French fries with greasy fingers and the corners of their lips stained with ketchup.

“Didn’t want to sit with your friends?” she asked. Terrence faced her quickly. She had now averted her attention to the menu, speaking absently, to anyone willing to listen, to anyone able to listen. She still smiled.

Rosy looked back at Allie and Arroya, slunk over each other, feeding one another French fries smothered in cheese and ketchup, and waited for one of them to return her gaze. It was Arroya who first looked up and met Terrence’s gaze and then Rosy’s smile and nodded and laughed. Allie looked up to and immediately knew trouble was afoot.

“They look fun. And preoccupied. We’re probably doing them a favor.”

Terrence just went on staring behind the counter, nodding his head stupidly. Not tonight, he thought. No wine bottle orgies tonight.

The waitress returned and they both shrugged indifferently at her. She offered coffee. They shrugged once more. She took the menus with a sigh and drifted down the counter. Terrence and Rosy sipped their waters.

“Did you want to forget the dream?” “Just the dream?” Terrence said, swept with great caprice, his lungs sucked empty of air, his toes tingling once more  He pinched his nose. “No. The dream was a respite from everything else I guess. I’m glad I’ve got that to hold on to. I’d have to go way back in time to find something worth forgetting. Something to forget about that might actually make a difference.”

“Wow,” Rosy said. She finally gave him a glance, mid-sigh, for a split second, before looking back at the stupid, purple, coffee ring-stained counter top. “That was quite a thought you had there.” She rolled her eyes and the smile returned after a sub-momentary absence.

Terrence too was a bit astounded by his exposure and could only sigh and assume attention at the space right in front of him.

“Do you want to forget me?” Rosy asked.

Again, something ruptured inside of him. But this time it stung violently, radiating first in that gut, and then spreading into his neck and cranium. He was being hollowed out, drained at the thought, and so he inhaled air and then took a sip of water. When he looked to his left Rosy’s eyes were waiting.

“What do you have brewing over there?” Terrence asked. She held her water cup to her face and bit into it, humming quietly.

“Come on now! What are you doing popping up like this, and in my dreams! Sending me strange letters. I like you and all, but you need to clue me into what all is going on, what I’m getting dragged into.”

Rosy looked a little alarmed. Terrence spun around to look for his friends. Allie and Arroya were gone; the half-eaten tray of fries the only evidence of their presence. A server bussed the table. It would be filled in a few minutes.

“I don’t like feeling oblivious. Like my own life is out of my control,” Terrence said.

“When is it ever in your control though?”

“Look I can relinquish control, I’m not a control freak, but I’m not diving headfirst into a pool that I don’t know how deep it is.”

“You’re missing the whole point,” she said.

“I’m going to need something more concrete then.”

“Well…” Rosy said. She had acquired a napkin. She was tearing it to tiny little pieces. She bit her lip. She was making Terrence anxious. “You don’t have any control. Ever. I think that’s all there really is to it.”And so Terrence rolled his eyes right back at Rosy, cause he couldn’t help but roll his eyes with all the nausea“Give me a break,” he said. “Then what are you doing, going on some foreseen mission, a fate you’ve seen. How do you know how this is going to go?”

“I never said I knew how this was going to go.”

“Oh my god,”

“Do you want something concrete or not? I don’t have any control over this. Maybe I have some clues, a lead. But, it’s nothing, really. Just a hint. A trail to follow. Like a horse after a hot dog, or whatever.”

And Terrence felt himself quake violently from the inside. He looked up for the waitress, as if he had a bill to close and Rosy fell solemn and silent with sunk shoulders to the bottom of the sea. She looked at the pile of tiny tissue papers before her, lightly lifting and dropping the useless bits. She spoke.

“I can see some things coming. Once in awhile. Usually just for myself. Sometimes others. Sometimes they come true, sometimes I see moments come and go, staged exactly as they were in my vision, but one split second changes and the reality continues on, new, random. Sometimes I set myself up in preparation and this has proven to be both very beneficial and completely pointless. Some things, I have to pursue. You can imagine, right? I know I can’t bend and mold fate to my will but if there’s a chance, why wouldn’t I? When it’s too good to pass up., at least.”

And the ensuing silence was sharp and empty. The void of what had once been forks and knives was now the slurps of coffees and shuffle of tables being cleared. A few folks chomped through final bits of pancakes, fried eggs, cold coffee. Terrence’s water was empty, so was Rosy’s. He desperately wanted to be gone from the diner.

“You don’t have to come down there with me,” she said. “If you want to forget me, move on, whatever. I’m not very reliable. I don’t blame you. You’re really nice though!” Terrence cringed noticeably, she touched his shoulder and everything inside of him went to knots. “And you’re probably going to end up there, anyway.”

Her words pulled all those knots tight around each other in his guts and intestines and his shoulders sunk to the bottom of the sea too“Just trying to warn you,”

“Let’s get the fuck out of here,” Terrence said.