#i can’t believe i left for 2 weeks and came back with this shit smh

[askinsomniafukase]

erm..you’re getting baby sitting job too…shovez auditkase over to you.

he..he brought uh….something.

[silverquillsideas]

Hi...how are you? If you don't mind me asking, what are your top 10 favorite anime? And why? (I've already asked before but in a bad time when you're still busy, sorry about that). Sorry again if you've already answered this question before....

Hi! Thanks for asking again! ^^

My top 10 favourite animes...hmm...this was much more difficult to answer than I expected 😂 anyway, here they are :

1. Yuri on ice

This one takes the top spot without question 🥺 if I start writing about why I love YOI and how it made a huge impact on me personally, we'll be here for days XD so....short answer : I STILL LOVE THIS SHOW SO MUCH 😭💕

2. Kikis delivery service

My most favourite ghibli film 💖 this one has it all, a young girl's journey to find her place in the world, creativity and passion for your job, and what it means to lose it. Getting back on your feet when life turns shitty. Found family. Learning to be self reliant. Dealing with self doubt....just...chef's kiss 😘

3. FMAB

The classic. Everyone and their great grandma has seen it, and never stops raving about it and deservedly so. I watched it simultaneously w an irl friend of mine, and we kept giving each other spoilers throughout the week we saw it lol. Additionally, the only show that has Edward Elric my gremlin son Riza my wife, I had a huge crush on her lololol and Roy the bastard I'm willing to fight for Riza's hand in marriage 😌👌

4. Haikyuu!!

Imo, the greatest sports anime I've seen (my experience is limited tho lol). The series that inspired me to get out of a long phase of stagnation in my early college days. I owe this one so much ❤️ every single character left an impression on me, I laughed with them, cried at their losses, and cheered equally for the opponent team as I did for Karasuno. It wasn't just an anime for me, but a whole personal journey from beginning to end. Can't thank Furudate sensei enough for creating this masterpiece. 💕

5. Oofuri

This show is SO. DAMN. UNDERRATED. Whyyy?? Like?? Imo, it deserves as much hype as haikyuu or other sports animes, because at its core, Oofuri was so much more than a sports anime. It was about friendships, learning to trust others, knowing that they had your back, and learning to value yourself more, realising you were worth more than you believed. It was just.... So so precious 🥺💕 and it has at Mihashi!!! My sunshine child!!!! 🥺💕

6. 91 days

Angsty. Gritty. Kept me on the edge from start to finish. And oh. Also major heartbreak. I cried for a week 🙃 Bonus : it has Angelo Lagusa, the protag who desperately needs someone to give him a hug 😭 he didn't deserve all that shit :'))))

7. From up on poppy hill

My second favourite ghibli movie. I related so much to the protagonist, Umi. She had to take on so much of responsibilities from a young age, tried to hold it together for her family's sake, and was just.... In general, very very like me 🙈😋 it was like seeing myself on the screen, you get me? I loved the idyllic location, the analogy of boats passing by and Umi waiting for a person who was never gonna come back....it was very bittersweet :')

8. Dokyuusei

Such a sweet, nostalgic story, the animation is beautiful ❤️ and does the art of Asumiko Nakamura justice 😌

9. Garden of words

Ad narrator voice : If u have a foot fetish and are fond of age gap ships, then this is just the movie for you!!

Lol just kidding 😂 this movie has a special place in my heart because it was my introduction to the world of Makoto Shinkai and I was MESMERISED. I remember exactly how I saw this film. Back in 2016, it smh came in my youtube recommendations, and I clicked on it without much thought. and HOLY SHIT it was an EXPERIENCE. I was in awe of the sheer details, the colors, the fluid animation, the mood every single frame had.... Much of the story didn't register in my brain at all, I was too busy drooling over the gorgeous visuals 😋💕

10. One punch man

Lol this show was GLORIOUS. 😂😂😂 Extremely entertaining, would recommend 10/10!!!!! Saitama in the gif is my spirit animal, for I too, have lost many a battle against 5 mm long mosquitoes 😔

[readmylip-s]

thank u, next.

so here we are, a week left until we usher in the new year. 2018 is probably one of the more major roller coaster rides i’ve had for a while now. i’ve had quite a few accomplishments and fcos the usual emotional-down-turns. i’ve also had tons of blessings and a lot of lessons learnt through the year. i’ve always been told to count my blessings so thats exactly what i’ve been doing. 

if you know me you’d know i prefer keeping my social circle small, though it may not seem that way on socmed. but thats the thing, thats social media. i dont revolve my life around social media. i think i’ve said this way too many times - what you see is only what i choose to show. on a personal level, i rlly prefer the company of a small group of people, even if it means just hanging out with one or two friends. i think 2018 is also the year i’ve had one of the most me-time. i enjoy going to the movies alone, having the entire couple seat to myself, i love sitting at starbucks sipping on GT Cream or seasonal drinks and occasionally with a plate of beef pie. teehee.

i’ll prolly share some positive and not so positive highlights of my year, as well as all the blessings i’ve had through the year. 

this year, just like the past 2 years, i landed myself in the hospital. 

pretty much because of the same old issues i’ve been having. was put on oxygen supply for quite a fair bit, had multiple needles poked through my skin, and multiple bags of glucose. it was a crazy period because it was during the fasting month and prior to the hospitalization, i was fasting. and even when i was in the a&e and eventually warded, i was still not allowed to have food. i was cranky, i was upset and best of all? i felt like i was gna faint. i was due for surgery, again, the next day so i couldnt eat. but i was a rebel. during the night, i secretly chewed on Mr Bean pancake that my brother got me when he accompanied me for a bit. so glad i didnt get caught hehe. fast forward, post surgery, i ate like a monster. the little brother was supposed to fly off the next morn for his school trip but he still came to visit me during the night. he even brought me bubble tea?! i was discharged after what seemed to be a torturous 3d2n staycation at NTFGH. 

2018 was the year i get to tick off certain things in my bucket list. i finally, finally did something i really wanted to do.

i got myself a septum piercing. its a pretty unorthodox thing considering how i dress and all but hey, a girl can dream, and make her own dreams come true. it was on a very random sunday that i decided to get it. but i’m kinda glad i did. i guess all the needles from all my hospitalizations helped me coped with the needle that poked through my septum. pretty sure this is only gna be a phase so all you hateful people, shut your trap. hahahaha. :)

also this year, i finally got to climb a mountain again. 

it was DFOALC’s first overseas staff expedition. (no, i wouldnt consider pulau ubin ‘overseas’, haha) it was the toughest climb i’ve had of all the 4 climbs i’ve done before. in summary - my injury acted up during the ascend and descend, and i also almost lost my life to Gunung Berembun. i survived, alhamdulillah. i just needed my cast when i got back to Singapore. phew. 

moving on to counting my blessings, i call them my constants. 

#4. 

its no surprise that AY is one of the greatest blessing i never knew i needed in my life. i never know where to begin when it comes to how beyond blessed i am for his presence in my life. its still so surreal how we were friends for the longest time and now we’re planning for a future together?! WHAT. hold on, time! 

it is rlly crazy how this whole love thing works. but whatever that is, it has brought so much joy in my life. and AY has made me the happiest kid ever since we began our journey in chasing NZ! thank you, AY. you’re so bloody amazing, and i can’t wait to spend forever and a day with you. dont know what i did to deserve you but i’m glad i did. x

#3.

my bestfriend; nurul. we went through our poly days together, and even when we were separated in to different classes, we still made it a point to have lunch together atleast once or twice a week. clingsterzx much. we even applied for the same job together and among our group of friends who applied, only the two of us got it. is this fate or what?! thank you sissy for being there, always. and for always being the one with the sneaky pick me ups, and listening to all my sob stories. but please dont degil when i try to help you find a boyfriend??? but if you insist then i hope you find your oppa lah okay. we have had our differences and our bumpy ride but what doesnt kill us makes us stronger, yes? so much love for you, sissy! x

my other bestfriend, zulh.jsmn. this photo is the exact representation of our bestfriendship. he annoys the living shit outta me but i have got no choice but to accept him the way he is. unlike nurul, this one is lowkey always asking me to find him a girlfriend. smh. your day will come soon, buddy. i’m grateful for all the times you made sure i was always in check. also for being my guitarist bcus i’m that much of a loser who cant play the guitar, and most importantly for the letter you wrote to me 5 years ago for me to look back to when i feel like the worst person on earth. oh and all the times you traveled down for me just to send food that you cooked so i’d have food to break my fast with during my internship?!?! you always have the most interesting gifts for me whether its for my birthday or just a random gift. the box of clouds from genting, i still have it! appearing in Chicago with SD and a guitar to sing me a birthday song at midnight for my 19th birthday. and the lantern we flew for my 20th birthday in Tennessee at midnight? i choose to believe its still flying somewhere in the sky! thank you, buddy for everything. smell ya in futura tomato saucin, buddiok! #OHOS #GBT #NZV lives! 

#2

my sister, SD. oh sisthur, the resemblance we have is uncanny. it is no wonder people automatically recognize us as sisters through photos. our taxi stand incident will always be etched at the back of my mind. it is one i would never forget bcus it is that one short incident that led us to how close we are up till today. though things cannot be exactly how i imagined it to be, i’m still glad i have you almost entirely. here’s to more sisthur hangz! sayang sawah! x

#1

and of course, my number one constant, my only older brother. you suck and you’re such an idiot but you care for me in ways no other human would. no one, and i rlly mean no one, can ever take your place in my life, for blood is thicker than water. i promise, to always make you proud of me. and i too promise that when the day comes that you shed your tears for me, i’d cheer you up and promise to always be the same baby sister you grew up with. thank you, for calling me your bestfriend, and for loving me with all your life. growing up together hasnt been an easy feat but i’m glad our rivalry only lasted through the times we wore the same sneakers, shared the same room and have the same mp3 player. you rlly suck sometimes but i love you every other day. x 

/wow so much of a summary and a wrap up, nurfa./

but yep, these pretty much sums up my 2018. fcos there were pockets of crazy shit that happened through the year; from suffering cuts and bruises bcus of anxiety attacks, to losing my sanity, to falling out of a relationship, to my injury and to losing friends i thought who would be around a little longer. 

some other things i ticked off my bucket list was meeting Haqim Mokhtar and watch him perform live, singing on stage (i got to sing with sufian suhaimi!), being present for TLV gigs, and fcos, completing my desired Nike Collection hehehehe.

i am very much thankful to God for allowing me to unlearn and relearn whatever i needed to. i dont really do resolutions but in 2018, my goal was just to seek happiness. i’m glad to say that i have achieved my goal of being happy. and in 2019, i pray for constant happiness with the people i love most, and for inner peace. may 2019 be the year i break the chain of having to be hospitalized, and may 2019 also be the year of recovery. 

x, nvrfa 

1623 | 23rd December 2018

[savannahjanisxo]

boy, oh boy have I neglected posting this concert experience story (3 ½ months overdue yike) for the people who probably could care less about it, but it is finally here, & it is v v v extensive as it includes basically every detail I can recall accurately.

Here ya go, curious cats:

I went to the show in Santa Ana, CA on March 5th. I got to the venue maybe 20 or 30 minutes after doors opened, so the openers were already in the middle of their set. I dragged my older guy cousin w/ me (since my sister was doing a photoshoot in San Diego that night + the next day), & during the opener’s set, he pushed me to the front of the crowd since he knew how long I had been waiting to see hippo. Then they came out & did their thing, & holy shit. Okay, it was so worth waiting almost 2 years. Their set was so fucking surreal; I may or may not have almost cried.. Also in the middle of their set, some guy pushed to the front to let Jake take a hit off a joint, & it was p iconic lol.

After the show, the crowd waited like 5-10 minutes to disperse due to the hope of a possible encore. I then got merch & waited inside the venue for maybe 15 minutes since the last time I was at the Observatory, the band I saw met fans inside the venue, but after seeing most of the fans walking outside, I followed.. Also b/c they kicked everyone out lol.

There were maybe 60-70 (possibly even more) fans outside waiting in the parking lot for the guys, but hippo had chosen to wait everyone out until there were 30 fans max which was 1 - 1 ½ hours later. During that time, I made a few new friends since my cousin decided to just wait inside of his car for me to do my thing.

(Whistler left right after the show to spend time w/ his family, sooo y'know.. I didn’t get to meet him.)

The first boy to come out was Nathan, but he stopped to smoke a cigarette w/ security lol. We were on our way to meet him half way, but we stopped when we saw he was busy (DON’T BOTHER THEM IF THEY SEEM BUSY OKAY). We then just waited for another one of them to come out or until he was finished.

Jake:

Jake came out next, so we went over to him to take pictures & whatnot. I’ve been promising him a lame dad shirt for the past two years, & I still have yet to provide. I apologized for that as we were about to take our picture, & he simply replied, “aww, next time!” whilst rubbing my arm. Not to be dramatic, but Jake is pure sunshine. I wish I had more time to chat w/ him, but so many others were trying to speak to him as well, so after the pictures, the girls & I were off to the next boy.

Nathan:

We went to Zach since Nathan was still smoking, but everything w/ Zach will be addressed last since that was most of it.. SO after seeing Zach the first time around in the night, we went to Nathan, & my conversation w/ him is kind of a blur, but basically the gist & a few specifics: he called himself a whore (I briefly explain here for those wanting further explanation), he told me to get out of California, & I called him a hippie which he asked me to explain myself, but he was literally rolling a joint as he was giving his “stop being on your phones, go outside, & interact w/ your friends” spiel. (One of the girls took a snap video of him, & in it he says “like at the same I want the ability to be able to be here now, so.. that’s what cigarettes are all about.” C’mon hippie sticker boy, admit it.) I also brought up his twitter & how this one time late at night, & he was the only one of the boys awake, so he was bored & asked to be sent poetry. I sent a realist suggestive poem about me “doing homework when it should be you” (my recent works are definitely more tasteful & not that trashy.. but sticker boy told me the other night (in direct reference to my previous statement) that “trash is & will always be better than we think.” sooo maybe he enjoyed it? I don’t know about that cryptic boy), & he told me he didn’t remember. Then he asked me what year this happened, & I told him it happened in 2015 to which he said, “I was a different man then” lol okay, child. Little something about sticker: he comes off as a very serious person when you speak to him, but he isn’t at all. Although, he is very formal. When I first went up to him, he went in for a handshake, but I had been waiting too long for this to be a handshake; I needed it to be a hug. We then introduced ourselves.. Ooooh. I also talked to Nathan about his sister, Madeline, b/c she’s been following me on Instagram for a couple years (I didn’t even follow her first lol), & oml the look on his face when I told him that. He rolled his eyes & said, “ohhh, Madeline.” It was hilarious (love you, Maddie). Overall, we just had a 5-10(??) minute conversation about life (in the midst of the conversation, someone was pulling out of the parking lot blasting one of their songs (can’t remember which one.. violet maybe?), & Nathan yelled, “turn that shit off.” It was iconic).. Then I went back over to Zach.

Zach:

Background info:

About a week before the show, I was tweeting this boy so much? Within a week probably 30 of my tweets were liked by him; it was so excessive, & soz to anyone who was following me during that time b/c yikes. Anyway, basically the main part of it was that we were finally going to fight, & the whole Zach only liking tweets & fighting has been a running joke since 2015 okay, so this isn’t new. He also agreed to “match” outfits w/ me, hence the denim shirt over his sweatshirt.

(You can peep the embarrassing twitter thread here. Some tweets contain their own threads too js lol.)

At the actual show:

When Z finally came out, the girls I was w/ & I booked it over there, & he was chatting w/ some people, & he talks for a long time which is really nice, but also time consuming y’know. (Also oml okay as we were waiting for them to finish their conversation, this bih smiled, & I kid you not, my weak ass squealed a bit. Like those dimples? Are you fucking kidding me?) Anyway, when our turn finally came to, I went first since we had a whole plan going. It was a thing where I was going to greet him by saying something vaguely rude, so he’d be aware of the whole fighting thing b/c if I greeted him like I actually would have w/ the whole “hey, how are you,” bringing up the fight would’ve been a tad awkward, thus “Zach, you ass” was born.

(You can watch that on my twitter here. It’s also part of the thread, but eh y’know.)

Subsequently after the denim shirt talk (the video cuts right before this, but he actually apologized for not bringing his other denim shirt, & I told him that I was just happy he even brought/wore one b/c I asked, & he said, “yeah, well thanks.” what an awkward angel), I called him out about some twitter things such as why he doesn’t reply, & he said, “I just like b/c it’s like a binary sort of thing.” Then I told him that I actually would have brought him candy in which this bitch smugly replied, “maybe I don’t like candy.” Uhm this boy liked the tweet, & if it is actually a binary thing, he is indicating that he does like candy smh. Anyway, I asked, “what about donuts or something?” This bih then decided to sass me aGAIN by saying, “Whistler likes donuts,” & I was so done. BOY, NO SHIT. EVERYONE & THEIR MOTHER KNOWS WHISTLER LOVES DONUTS HOLY FUCK. I WAS USING THAT AS AN EXAMPLE FOR A SUGGESTION. Ugh then he said that I should bring him fruit, so I asked which is his favorite, & I thought to myself, “he better not say mango,” & HE DID. I was disgusted, everyone else was disgusted b/c of my reaction, & it was a mess. Then we continued to talk about fruit for a few more minutes (it was a long fruit convo) such as the correct way to eat grapefruit (peel the skin & put sugar on it), pomegranate being bomb, & yet another opposing opinion which was on putting tajín on fruit (Z hasn’t had it, so he believes that “salty things don’t belong on fruit.. that’s for pretzels” ..tajín is chili powder that tastes like candy, & it is amazing, especially on watermelon). Then I said bye to him after we took our pictures, helped the girls I was w/ take their pictures, & we went over to Nathan (which I already went over).

Second time around talking to my mango bitch: So after talking to Nathan, I went back over to Zach alone since the girls I was w/ decided to leave (it was maybe 12:15 AM at this point, & it was Sunday night, soooo y’know). My phone had also died when I was waiting to talk to Zach the first time, but then it came back on by itself when I was waiting to talk to him the second time. It was living on the edge, so I ran back to my cousin’s car to get my portable charger (we had parked right by the bus in the very front of the venue, so it was very convenient), but tHAT WAS ALSO ON THE EDGE. I went back in line, & I was the last person to talk to Zach, so it was a long time spent. We said hi again, & we took so. many. pictures. These were all snap filter ones, & we did that for a few minutes. Okay, so my bitch ass oml I made him retake a few, & at one point, I actually said, “ew, I don’t like this; we have to retake it,” & hE LAUGHED AT ME, & THEN HE MIMICKED ME. I can’t believe. Ugh okay, but a part of this was that we were going to do the infamous face swap filter, but it was unavailable, & we realized it was on the picture face swap instead right as it was finishing loading, & we both said, “wait, this is the picture one” & almost switched w/ the picture I had just taken w/ Jake. Then I asked him how tall he was, & he said, “I don’t know, 6′1?” I told him that I think he’s def 6′2. I also asked him if he was sick since I noticed he had been coughing a bit throughout the night, & he said he was, & I just kNEW he would probably get me sick too, & wow what a surprise, he did. Afterwards, I had him record a video for my best friend who couldn’t come (she started liking hippo when I did, but she is not as present in the “fandom” anymore), & I asked him if I should use the flash or not b/c I did not want to blind him w/o warning, he said whatever I want is fine, so I chose to do it w/o the flash, but ahh okay, I kept having to wave him around to try to be in better lighting, & I felt so bad. Then finally we said our goodbyes after he noticed that I was actually shivering, & he said, “well, it’s cold. I gotta go get warm; you gotta go get warm. It was so nice to see you,” & we hugged, but then we ended up walking in the same direction. As we finally broke away & I was almost to the car, he calls over & says, “I’m still only going to like your tweets,” & I deadass call back over & say, “you are annoying as fuck.” 

Post related events:

So when I got home from the show, I took to twitter to express my love & annoyance for such mango boy to acknowledge which included me tweeting him less than an hour after I left saying that he’s cute, & t’was a good fight. Also the next day (the day they had their second Conan performance), I tagged him in the comments of the first post I made of one of our pictures calling him out for not liking it & that we actually have to fight again if he doesn’t like it, & this child decided to like my cOMMENT INSTEAD. Then I commented again explaining that I was meaning the picture & not the comment, & he liked that one too. About a week later, I had told my mom & her boyfriend about the whole Zach thing, & I tweeted something my mom’s boyfriend said about me fucking up by not kissing Z (which would’ve been highly inappropriate wtf why would I??), & he liked that tweet too lmao. I was mortified. He’s liked some more stuff within that same period to now, but I cannot recall if they’d actually add anything to this?

Okay also disclaimer: I do not hate Zach, & he know this. It’s just how we are (which are two v extra people).. but he is def the bitch in our relationship thanks. 

[ohhhhmyblog]

#StoryTimeWithMy - Me & #HurtBae handle things differently...clearly.

Ok... So I was with him over 3 years at this point. But in recent times, we had had multiple convos about not being together for various reasons...but there was still that lingering love. You know? Where you still speak everyday, still hang out, are still intimate, etc... Still...to the point where one week prior to this "incident" we did a little day trip where we took Teagan out to eat and to Liberty Science Center. You know, regular shit...

So on this day, I spoke with him a couple times throughout the day. I let him know I had made plans in his area later and we agreed to just hang out until my girl got off work. Soooo.... I go.

I get to his house and everything's regular... drinks, music, his friends, their girlfriends...typical weekend night at his place.

Then the bell rings, he goes to open it, and a woman comes in. I don't think anything of it at all...at first. Then I notice all of his friends get weirdly silent (completely out of character for this bunch). The woman is totally comfortable. She goes into the fridge for something, takes a charger out of the wall and heads toward his bedroom. She's out of sight for about a minute and I decide to go follow her.

And there she is...sitting on his bed, phone plugged in the wall, just scrolling through her phone...super comfortable. I do the only thing there is to do... "Oh hi...I'm MyAsia. Who are you? I'm *insert name i dont remember because it didn't matter*. Oh. You're here for *him*? How do you know him...because you clearly KNOW him? I've known him for years." She starts to look worried. She's catching on... (lol, funny now...wasn't funny then)

I go back into the living room. I approach him. I just stare at him. He gives me this look like "Fuck!" but tries to play like he's confused. "What?" he says., I just stare at him...

In that moment, I am trying soooooo hard not to burst into tears because...y'all...she was comfortable there. She wasn't new. She knew where the outlets were in his bedroom. She didn't require an introduction to his friends. She was comfortable enough to go in the fridge.

"Who is she? Why is she here?" He just stares at me with the goofiest "I have fucked up" face. She walks into the living room. It's now awkward af. I. LOSE. IT. I have so many questions and I'm asking them all...in front of everyone...at max volume...without one single fuck to give. Not. One.

His friends start to head to the door. The gf of one his boys stays behind and attempts to get me to relax. Nope. I'm on one. Then something in my head is like "MyAsia, you are making a fool of yourself. You are flipping your shit and he isn't even reacting." He is still in the same spot...looking dumb.

The woman gets her things to leave. I start to leave too. He follows. (I think he thought we would get into something...but no, my issue was never with her.) But in that moment, I interpreted that as him wanting to save her from me. I started swinging. You know when you swing as you talk? Why👊would👊you👊do👊this👊to👊me? Why👊have👊her👊come👊here👊when👊you👊knew👊I'd👊be👊here? He gives me this "I didnt know she was coming" bs...which only pissed me off even more. Now I know she's comfortable just popping up here? Ok.

I start bawling. I am sooo hurt. I felt betrayed. I felt stupid. I had placed him on this pedestal...because in my mind, he would never be "this guy". I attempt to storm out. He stops me. Now he has answers. Now he wants to explain. He wants to tell me that "we broke up already". He wants to tell me "we already decided not to be together". He wants me to believe she just came around in the last couple weeks...this woman who goes in his fridge, knows his friends, comes over unannounced and knows where the outlets are in his bedroom... I. Can. Not. Stop. Crying. I want to...because I feel weak and stupid...but I can't.

I snatch away from him and leave. I can't leave. I have an excruciating headache suddenly. I can't see thru the tears. I was a wreck...smh. I get in the car, drive one block up and park. I call the friend I was suppose to link up with after she got off. I am hysterical. She can't understand me. My phone beeps. There's another call coming in. It's his friend's gf from back at the house. She wants to know where I am. I tell her and click back over. I give a short, prob super inaccurate version of what just happened. At this point, he is Satan to me...so I can only imagine what I said.

Anyway, I tell her where I am and hang up. I am legit hysterical. My head is hurting. I am angry. I am hurt. This woman wasn't new. This woman was comfortable y'all. When he reacted to this whole "incident", he considered her. I saw it. It was too much. I sat in my car just shaking...trying to talk myself out of setting his house on fire. Seriously... The ONLY thing that stopped me was knowing that children lived in the unit above him...the children who stomp around and make so much more on those weekend mornings when he and I just wanted to sleep in. Those loud ass children kept me from making a super irrational decision that night.

I'm startled by a knock on my window. It's his friend's gf. She tells me to unlock the door. She gets in the passenger seat and just sits there, silently. I'm still crying. I can't make it stop. My head is racing. Then the other friend shows up. She gets in the car. We just sit there for a minute. Then my friend who missed the whole thing says "what the hell happened?"... I tell her...and finish with "My head hurts. My stomach hurts. I need a drink."

We all get in her car andride around North Newark looking for a bar. It's dark. It's late. Everything is closed. Then we see this little corner bar that seems to be open. We get out. We go in. There are all Hispanic men over 50 in this bar, y'all. I didn't care. They had liquor...lol I had shots and cocktails with these 2 til the bar was closed. I spilled my little heart out in there...to 2 women who weren't even THAT close to me...but in that moment I appreciated them. They let me vent and talked me down...well kinda... ...Because now, I'm angry AND upset AND still feeling stupid...and I've spent the last hour drinking continuously...

I decide I am going back to his house. They try to talk me out of it...but nah, I'm going back. I call his phone. He answers immediately. I tell him I'm coming back and he needs to be there and alone. I promise you in my head I was going back to that house to hurt him. I considered killing him...in real life. I thought of how I'd do it, how I could get away with it, how it'd make his mom and sister feel, how I'd explain it to Teagan...all that. SMH

We leave the bar and head back to his house. They wont let me go in alone. I ring the bell. He comes to the door. In that moment...something happened to me that I cant and wont ever be able to explain. In that moment, I needed him. So many times before I he had been the ONLY person to see me through bs and tough times. This time was no different. In that moment, I was searching for and anticipating comfort and consolation...from the very person who had just hurt me. SMH Why was I like that?!

I start yelling, crying and carrying on...and he tries to hold me. I'm fighting him...I want him not to touch me and I want him to hold me tighter...at the same... damn...time. Y'all... I was all messed up.

We go inside and he's giving me the same story and I'm so over hearing it. I zone out and I'm just wondering why I'm back at his house...seeking solace in the same man who had upset me in the first place. I got angry. I was back and forth between literally throwing blows and falling into his chest crying asking him why. The whole time my head is KILLING me.

Suddenly it's silent. For a while there's just me doing that "I just finished crying", sniffling thing lol Then he takes my jacket off of me, lays me down in his bed, takes my shoes off and just cuddles up next to me. He says he's sorry and that he never meant to hurt me like this and this isn't how he ever thought this would go. I fell asleep...in the arms of the same mf who I had just thrown jabs at...the same mf I seriously considered killing just hours before. I woke up the next morning and left silently.

I was violently ill for days. I learned then just how real "mind over matter" is. I had literally gotten physically SICK...because of mental and emotional pain. I also learned that you can not ever view someone the same after heartbreak. I learned that anyone is capable of anything and pedestals are for trophies, not people. I learned that everyone is just moments of hurt & anger away from a Snapped episode so I don't judge.

Fast forward to present time...fast forward pass months of personal growth and experience...fast forward pass a bunch of laughs and tough convos between us over the years... This guy is still one of the closest ppl to me. I still love him to death. I currently consider him a friend of mine. I just know I can't ever look at him THAT way again...and that's ok.

That #HurtBae video struck a nerve with me. No one is above being hurt. But when you're in a situation that is emotionally and mentally draining, get the hell out of it!

[deeeelowz]

9 4 2k12

it all started back in 2011 when I first ever known of this nigga named “SteezyCruzz” an he knew of a shawty named “Insane’Diamon Lara “ both fb famous like a mf. Yet no contact at all. We brushed each other off, cause we both was like who tf is that ? you hella fine doe but you a stranger type shit lol. He had a shawty at the moment, I was diggin his boy , so when this thang called “The Mist” which is a teen community party, shit was booomin. We was like 13? lil thots everywhere now that I think bout it 🤔 anywho. I spotted this boy who I’ve been fw thru Facebook, we hug but soon as we done huggin. I see the finest, dipped asf Steezycruz we looked at each other no more than .5 secs an I wanted him bad. I began to lowkey stalk his fb cause like I said he had a girl so I wasn’t gon b that pendeja n do sum hoe shit just cause I didn’t knw her. So I finally gave up on the nigga cause he seemed to b happy. Months pass, an we end up becoming fb friends after so fucckin long.. started talkin, he was playin hella hard to get too smh lol I wasn’t gon give up tho. We continued talkin for a min, finally meet ! at Lloyd of course. He came and wrapped his arm around my shoulders and me playin stupid like idk it’s this foo behind me. He was so cuteeeeeee.. we got comfortable together hella fast , i loved that . So as weeks go by we been talkin for a longtime. He asked me out but I rejected cause I felt it was to soon. When I got home I regretted it so bad n wished I said yes! ........ anyways one day he comes over after being on house arrest n thangs, we yapped it up in my room for hours before he had to leave to the cause of a argument, that lead to tears from my eyes an sadness in his.. my first time ever putting a razor to my wrist over this boy lol fckn dumb ass ... anyways , I loved him so much so idgaf.. him and I both can’t remember when he asked me to be his girl but we believe it was that night !.. September 4, 2012.. One day we meet up at Lloyd cause we both happen to be there and when we ran into each otther our fam knew each other from waaaay back an was hella coo so we’re like confused an just laughin thinkin it’s a small world. One day he came over for my sis 19th party and we had to decorate the front of the house ,I sucked so when he stepped in it was hellaa cute to me back then aha.. One night I snucked him into my house but I had school in the AM. I went to school n told him to not leave cause I wanted him to b there when I got off. So I ended up skipping 2 period n went home which is only 15 mins from benson to my house on 82nd. I bought us snacks from the vending mechiane an we laid up on the couch and watched jerry springer haha. I ended up goin back to school n he stayed.. Phora has always been our shit. One day we had the house alone just wit my bro n his gf. We play fighted that ended up being the first night you gave me a head for the first time ever in my life lmfao🔥.

One day, after school you picked me up n we headed to your house in Gresham so I can stay the night , I meet your mom for the first time that I actually got to talk to her nd we of course was hella coo lol. That night you took my virginity and made sure I was ok the whole damn time. It was painful at first but as you made me more comfortable it soothed me down an we got to enjoy it. I remember you going to get cereal after lmfao always. You took a nap after too n looked to cute. I took a pic, and posted my #mcm.. my mom picked me up the next night and since then I was madly inlove you. Sex was never in our minds together, we just loved being around each other.. I’m 20. I was 15 when i became a young women. You became close with my bro n cousins too.

One day you woke up and felt nun for me.. you began becoming sombody I didn’t fall inlove wit. You became sneaky and disrespectful. You became distance and then you disappeared on me. Come to find out you got a whole female. I of course was hurt like a mf. Then when a blessing came his way I had to cut it offf cause he had a family now.. 2013 we broke offf our relation cause it wasn’t healthy no more....

almost 5 yrs wit noooo contact at all..We did confesss to each other that we did think of one another time by time but felt like we both hated each other an we didn’t lmao.. but we both were in relationships so of course we ain’t gon try it ....

2017... we reconnected, meet up an we realized something never left that we both vibe wit cause it didn’t even feel like a 4 yr gap lol. We both didn’t want to get intimate the first day , but knew it was gon happen but didn’t want to believe it when it was happening.. I left that night and we talked every damn day after. I tried to come over as much as possible we just wanted each other so much! we showered together, we slept together, you cooked for me, you dicked me down, I rode tf outta you, we laughed during sex so much lol, I cried to you and you made sure I was ok, we opened up to each other bout a lot. We relate a lot wit our life an mom situations . We both lost out on this adult shit it’s hard to catch up so we hide out. I feel for you , Ima always love you an like we say we will always have a piece of hearts for each other. Cruz & Diamon lol that’s history everybody n they mama knew from 2012. We went to fast now we fallin off. Shit sucks but ima always remain coo an knw my spot. I love you cresencio thank you for everything even the bad times.. me and moms will ALWAYS b Gucci tho I love her.

take care bucket head ass✨

-DiAMANTÈ (you gave me that name too,always calling me it💕)

[solasulad]

Two Weeks Worth.

Feb 1st recap

And I can’t believe the lies that I went though

Thought you where mine but you decided to be with him tho

You took my feelings and just through them out the window

Feels like it’s too hard to fall in love again no

On some nights like this shorty I can’t help but think of us

I been reminiscing simply missing ya

Can you tell me what’s with all this distance love?

If I call would you pick it up?

On some nights like this i just want to text you but for what?

You gon say you want me then go switch it up.

Just gon play with my emotions just because..

You gon get my hopes high boy.

How am I feeling?

I cried my eyes out last night because of josh. (Jan 26)

Did a 13 hour shift and closer to 9ish I messaged him asking how he was with his girl? And he replied back saying that

“I decided to say with her and see how things go, I don’t want to ruin anything because of our anniversary and that would break her. So I’m just going with the flow”

I read that message at work and sink in my seat. I felt bad all over again. Like wow.

I don’t know what i was expecting with him tbh. Like he fed me the idea that he was unhappy with his girl, and that’s what i kinda took and ran with it.

I cried so much last night, both eyes tearing when i normally cry form my left only.

I felt my chest getting heavy and my breathing was barely there. Like I was hurt bad. Then i started thinking about all the other guys who’ve put me last.

He wants to protect her and her feelings okay, but also look at mine, I had sex with you, I hung out with you, I make stupid moves and showed you who I was.

I shouldn’t be catching feelings but, once you been shown something that feels so good it’s kind of hard to forget about it.

I asked myself this question last night:

When are these guys going to look at me and see me. When are they going to be like damn I really hurt her. When? Cause I’m giving up at this point.

Even hair.

I went to see him Thursday Jan 26 @ night. Had back and forth messages through text. I made plans to see him Thursday at 6.. but I was running late and there was traffic.. he asked me to come by his ends.. okay.. but when I got there he was in a white van, light tints, parking in an open space.. so i was kind of shocked how low he thought of me. He said he couldn’t hang up the call cause he was on a conference “meeting” call.. so he put it on mute and fucked me right there in the open space next to a church. I felt disgusted with myself afterwards. Like I can’t believe I allowed myself to want that.. met up with Marisa after that didn’t tell her it was Thursday we had sex but told her we fucked Wednesday. I feel no ways towards hair at this point either, cause josh was bigger than him but also how he didn’t care tbh. Like you finger me that’s just it. He doesn’t even eat. And I was doing the most on his dick. Like the fucking most deep throating it, back and forth holding it there for a bit then going on. I don’t even know if he came from head cause he switched me over like 5 mins into it. We fucked, I felt space between his dick I think I got bigger but 🤷🏾‍♀️.

Spoke about josh with Marisa she says he’s a pussy. Which he is. Didn’t tell Marisa about hair cause she would look at me crazy.

Who wouldn’t look at their friend and think of them as a thot or hoe? After fucking a guy in a open space next to a church? Damn.

Feb 7th cont. recap

It’s been 2 weeks so far since I fucked hair..

Didn’t speak to him afterwards or anything, after I left the car he asked me a question saying basically how I want sex but I don’t get it as much as I want. Told him yah and something along the lines of I got a guy but my sex drives on high lately... idk wtf I said but when I left that car I had no intentions of linking him up again.

Josh.

After crying my eyes out, our snap streak died. I also decided to just let it be. I worked that pervious night on the 27th of Jan. So we been just sending memes on insta and Snapchat was pretty dry, on Sunday feb 2nd he has the nerve to message me a snap with 1 second.. I was busy doing school work and replied back along the lines of “you sending 1 second snaps might as well send a nude cause I can’t see shit” so.. he send a dick video.. I sent back a twerking vid (someone I sent to hair) and then.. that was it. He saved the video and nothing else. I went to sleep woke up seen a meme and we never spoke about the video afterwards.. that following week, he messages me saying come by his place and we can go swimming. Uhm.. I did want to go but honestly.. it’s just conflicting cause I’d be holding myself back knowing he has a girl and wants to fuck. So I just lied and said I was busy. On Wednesday night that week, the fuck it in me went thru but instead it was just to “kick it” didn’t bring a bathing suit, went there just to smoke and leave it as is. We smoked in his parking lot basement, felt that all over again, he was talking about my body telling me i got thicker, i just wanted to hang as friends but honestly we could’ve, but i felt his vibe and I left. Now I’m high as fuck and went home. He sends me a message asking when is he gonna see me again. I told him when the weather ain’t shit & that convo died.

Fast forward now to second week of February..

Past Monday he sent a snap with 👀 eyes.

I replied back wassup? He’s like I’m tryna see you.. alright, bam.. I was on the phone with Valentina and then replied back saying what you wanna do? He’s like you... so I let the convo go until he said he wanted to fuck. I paged him saying “you confusing as fuck, don’t be saying one thing and do another” he replied back saying sorry and alright. So fucking short and quick. Wow. I was on the phone with vale during that time and then later on in the night I sent him a snap saying “I just wanna fuck no confusion just fuck?” And he replied back saying the same thing.. then told me to pull up it was like 10 ish at night or so I had shit to do the next morning told him nah can’t but tomorrow...

Now fast forward to yesterday aka Tuesday feb 5.. he messages me in the evening around 5ish saying he finishing up with his lawyer, told him come by my ends. He comes by my ends but I’m paranoid cause my older bros out and i don’t want him seeing me. I pick him up from the station with the quickness. Ended up just driving down the Main Street all the way until I reached downtown. Smh my dumb ass was literally in the heart of the city and I didn’t know what to do. So the car ride was pretty chill we just talked about nothing pretty much. His girl friend wasn’t brought up, his feelings wasn’t brought up but he kept saying things like you cute, sexy ass. Etc to show he was into me. I went in dressed as a niggah. No make up, hair tied back, black sweats and a grey hoodie. Wtf am I looking cute for tryna get some dick?

Anyways. We leave downtown go to a park next to the lake and smoke. The ground is filled with Ice and I’m sliding all over the place in my A1’s. smh. We smoke it’s pretty outside but cold a fuck, we get back in my car & I think the biggest mistake I did that night was giving him the keys to my car. I was high but fuck, I should never allowed him to drive. He drove back to his ends and we said fuck it went into his parking basement and fucked right there. I gave him some head and then said it was time to fuck, he goes in to put it in and I’m like where’s the condom??????!!!!!! He said he didn’t have one and forgot when we went to 7/11.. smh he said he’ll pull out but I was so scared then he went in to give me head tryna get me wet.. like wow this guy is a fucking goof, he knows what he’s doing. After I said I was kinda iffy he went in to get me horny.. smh

We fucking how he’s going in hard and I’m digging my nails into his thigh, I’m pretty sure I left marks.. he pulls out and I felt a drip. He asks me to finish him off by giving him head so I go in. I’m sucking it deep throating it until he says that it’s painful.. okay, so I’m just sucking the tip and moving my hands with his dick.. he kept saying “oh shit” and I didn’t know what was going on thought I was hurting him but after I pulled up he told me he came.. wtf I swallowed it and I didn’t even know?? Kinda disrespectful tbh, like let me know when you coming so I can catch it. Anyhoo, I swallowed and sat up, he said that this was the short amount of sex he had but the most intense ever, lol okay? We leave the parking spot and he drives us out. I don’t want to be seen tbh. So.. we get outside have a cig and then I leave him off. He was paranoid his moms would see him from the window. Smh okay whatever.

I’m ashamed with myself big time but at the same time I wanted that dick so badly. Like confusing as fuck how you want to say one thing then do another...

We fucked and that was that. Wednesday he had to do that immigration stuff so he didn’t really message me or anything, Thursday now; I asked him how it went and he said he got accepted. Okay... wow..

But shits not gonna change. I’m dead ass just leaving it as that, like I caught myself wanting dick again just thinking about Tuesday night smh. Now I have to wait until my period comes to make sure I’m not pregnant. Smh my periods due sometime this week or next week. But woowerz.

Let’s just be friends?

And with being friends you can’t be all sexual towards me. Gotta have boundaries. No hand holding, back grabbing or kissing.

Let’s just fuck?

And with fucking we can’t be friends cause that’s just going to lead to wanting it more than we should. Wanting more than each other’s time.. peeping what we doing and who we with?

Let’s just dead it?

Cause fucking or being friends is just too much at this point. We can both just do our own thing and not worry about each other?

Who knows what’s next cause it feels like at this point shit just happens randomly in life.

[just-hazardous-thoughts]

Current chapter: winter is not coming but shitstorm is on its way

What about this relationship train wrecking thing that is going on at work, huh? Well, it’s hard to unveil but I’ll try my best for my own sake. I’m always writing for myself anyway.

These past months, we’ve been hiring a lot at work. We have needs hence the new recruits to help us out. When I joined the company a year ago we were around 12, now we’re over 30. Growing fast, right? We’re also moving out next year (though I’m not sure I’ll be around for that).

Anyway, I befriend one of my female coworkers three months ago and we bonded fast. I can’t remember how fast or how it happened but it did. Before her, I don’t even remember how I was doing in there. Not that I had a hard time but it’s just different when you have someone you can open yourself to, you know?

Since her, a lot of guys have been hired and as anyone can guess, shit’s going weird. They’re around my age and we began to form a bit of a crew (the three new guys aka "the 2 Be 3", my female coworker and me). It’s working well, they’re cool and we match. There’s still a bit of awkwardness as it’s really recent (2 weeks at best) but it’s ongoing and it’s pleasant.

But as the cliché needs to be more than just a cliché, it became… weird?

I don’t even know how to explain things but I feel weird vibes about them and my 6th sense is screaming at me that something’s off. I always trust my guts though my rational mind tends to calm me down like "Geez, you’re overthinking it". Not sure I am.

So there’s A. The first one who’s been hired 2 months ago. He’s doing a 6 months internship with us.

There’s B, who joined us a month ago and who’s there for the 2 next years as a part-timer (same as me with the same rhythm between his school and work).

And last but not least, there’s C, who joined us last week in my department (so now we’re two, yay!). He’s there for a year (same as me) and also has the same rhythm as B and me (as a part-timer).

Anyway, here are the 2 Be 3 that became close very quickly. Then there’s my female coworker and me.

Now onto my thing.

Since the early beginning, I felt like B was kind of sending signals towards me like when he mentioned to my female coworker (FC) that she and I were awfully close. My FC and B are in good terms so they talk a lot and he’s saying a lot of things to her that she then proceeds to tell me back (silly people still don’t understand that she tells me everything (like THE guy still talks to her about stuff smh)).  So he once mentioned that I had nice legs, this sort of things. Now said like that people might be like "Damn, it’s nothing, she’s clearly overthinking stuff" but there’s a lot more of these that I just can’t recall because my memory sucks. Anyway, if it’s not enough, at least trust my guts. They’re never wrong when it comes to guys and they never failed me once (but it could start, who knows?).

So about B, it’s weird. But let’s be clear, I wondered about the possibility and I just noped because I can’t see this happening. He’s not that attractive (to me) and he kind of repulses me when he eats his nails. Or maybe is it the fact that he farts aloud I’m not sure?

Then there’s A. Fucking A. Where do I begin?

When he arrived, he was sat on the desk next to me and I didn’t pay much attention. We were joking a lot with my FC (she was on the desk behind me at the time) and another coworker but three days later the desks were changed and reorganized due to our new recruits and where they were going to be fitted according to their department. So I was exiled on my own before B and C came on the desk in front of me (when we did that they weren’t hired yet).

I must say I was quite upset. I was being sent away from my FC and from the fun because I was going to be left alone on a deserted part with the tech (that don’t talk much). Though it’s completely wrong cause now I talk a lot with the tech and they’re just super duper cool. I just needed to get out there and talk with them. Silly me.

After that, nothing happened really. But after B and C joined, the crew came to life a bit and now I’m talking a lot with them. I feel like in high school once again when you hang out with a group. I guess I missed that. Of course, I see my friends outside of work and school but it’s not the same when you hang out this much with a group.

A week ago, there was our Team Building. We went to the Basque countries and it was awesome (much more compared to last year’s one). Trust me when I say this but nothing really happened, nothing. I just hanged out a lot with my FC and A. B missed both his trains, god knows how he managed to do that but the end result is that he couldn’t come, and C wasn’t scheduled to join us yet (#paperwork). We were just all really friendly, which is the sole purpose of a Team Building: tightening the links between us all.

So hear me well, last week, everything was still okay. Shit began to go downhill in the train bringing us back to Paris. Two nights before at one of the dinner, we were sitting next to each other (A and me) and I don’t remember how it came to that but we went on tinder and we both found each other. Of course, we matched for fun and the weirdness began. We pretended to be strangers talking for the first time and I must admit it was fun (though it may come out weird to some people). Back in Paris, I thought nothing much of it.

We ended up taking the train together to go back to our home if that matters.

Anyways, after that, we continued to play the pretend game on tinder. It was still okay but after a couple of days it just went from "lol it’s fun" to "wtf". We casually talked but on tinder. We did not switch to text messages even though we have each other numbers (because we gave them out on tinder) and I don’t know why or if it’s relevant to mention.

So since then, I learned a lot of things from my FC. It serves that she’s talented to hear things at work and to make her ways to info.

Basically, A and B are talking about me somehow? I’m kind of confused but from what I gathered B is open to "seducing" me but he’s letting A go his way because he’s more advanced on the path. Disgusting, right? I feel like a trophy or a goal. "Who’s gonna fuck her first?", right?

I also learned that A’s kind of thinking about an opening with me since a party from September, where I got trashed real bad so, what is that supposed to mean? I was wearing a sexy attire and I was out, like, OUT.

Also, it appears that at one of the Team Building’s party, I was kind of tired and drunk and I asked him to accompany me back to my room but then I switched to one of my coworker (who I’m friend with) and apparently, he was kind of upset because he had this plan to "catch me" on the way to my room. Red flag? I don’t know. I still don’t want to believe this shit. I hate myself right now because I’m so overthinking about A and I’m letting him take a toll on my life. I shouldn’t even be thinking about him.

I’m still trying to convince myself it’s all in my head but the lonely me doesn’t want that, she wants this to be true. The rational me is holding this thing and telling me to not hope for anything. What is there to hope anyway? He only wants to fuck me. Final point. That’s how I see it for several reasons.

One time we were talking about this girl he’s seeing and they fuck but she’s beginning to be attached. Being who I am I told him that it was better to let her go if he didn’t feel the same way. I then proceeded to ask him what was wrong with all these people who want to get labeled? This truly is what I think. I don’t like commitment and labels but I think he took it as a hint of being sex buddies, maybe because he, too, told me he just wanted to chill. I fucked up I guess.

Anyway, I can’t be your sex buddy because I’m a virgin. Yeah. I’m not seeking a meaningful relationship (though if I can have one it’d be cool). I don’t even know what I’m searching still. I just want to chill and spend time with a guy but not for sexual means. It’s complicated and I’m conscious it doesn’t make much sense. I’m not against it but as a virgin, it’s just complicated. And I don’t think a guy like him wants that so…

I’m already torturing myself with all this shit for nothing because nothing (good) will come out of that and the lonely me is already clinging to this shitstorm, while the rational me is screaming at the top of his lungs that this shit will get me down. I can feel it. I just know it. This smells bad.

This is fucked up. I didn’t ask for this. I never ask for it. It’s true. I never dearly searched. These past months I enrolled on tinder to pass time (truly) and that was me attempting something I guess but it never got far.

Shit’s always coming my way, I never pray for it to happen (well I do tend to hope for something to happen but not this way). Though I’m kind of happy something’s happening, I know it’ll end up badly and I’m already hurt to see this hurting me. It’ll leave scars for sure.

I ask for peace but I know peace is boring me out. At least it gives a little spice in my life but it also calls for suffering. Sigh.

Holy fuck.

I guess I like to suffer?

I’m pretty sure this post is written in terrible English but it’s all so mingled in my mind that there’s no way in hell that I can write this properly...

[solasulad]

November Update Mo’de.

November 9th I don’t even know what’s going on. I thought I wanted dick tbh. Like thought I was okay with fucking with him cause I didn’t feel anything for him. Turns out I play myself and etc you already know how this goes...

So I’ve been talking to mode on and off lately mostly weekdays for like 2 weeks we been texting. Was supposed to see him Sunday or something but said fuck it and he never replied back. So he says he has a phone issue okay I get it cause he downgraded to a iPhone 6. Kinda make sense but idk if I even wanna believe his phones been acting up since February.

So.. we had talks of plans on meeting up. Come Monday he’s been very friendly with me via text. Even when I give him half ass replies he takes it and says something else. Told me me missed me again, I said yah sure should’ve ghosted your ass he’s like why? I told him he’s like sorry we can chill this week. This week ended up turning into a w/e feeling tbh. Like I was horny mad horny i was even down to fuck him and not say anything either. Just go there fuck and leave nothing else. Maybe even end it the feeling was just trash tell him I moved on or something and that I want to focus on my self. Sound like a white bitch but it’s true. I really wanted to end it at some point. Everyone I know says he’s not worth it. Damn even my mom says he’s not worth it. He challenges my insecurities. He isn’t that good looking but he makes me feel like I’m just average at best.

Nov 20th So cont. he sends me a message on Tuesday asking about my bday and that I should let him know if anything changes. I said I would, then he finishes the text sentence for me with one word & I reply back like you finishing my sentences he’s like yah real one I’m like cringing rn he’s like boo I’m like don’t.

Lol^ but he never texts me affectionate stuff so that was a turn off since I was already tryna distance myself from that.

So come to Wednesday we still talk via text only** I was horny too 😭 so I messaged him asking if he was busy after work. Then replied back he’s with his homie.. asked me if tomorrow was okay I was like okay.

I just wanted some dick tbh nothing else maybe a little cuddle that’s all 😰

Come Thursday, we text during the morning was still replying late the other day. W/e but we did have plans to link up that night. - we link up Thursday night. He pulls up to tim hortons in my area and I get into his car. We’re just talking for like a bit suddenly out of nowhere my younger brother pulls up, him and his friend in my step dads car. I see him get out the car smoking a cigarette and just standing there.

I’m shook at this point. I lean back in mode’s car because I don’t want to be seen. I confused because I don’t wanna expose myself but I want to approach him and smack him across his head. So he goes into Tim hortons, mode tells me that I should go and just say I saw him pulling out of the drive way. Once he goes inside I quickly run in the store and approach him. I look at him and can tell he’s high. His eyes red, smells like shit & can’t even focus.

So I talk to him and tell him fix up. That’s not the kinda path he’s gonna wanna be on when he’s older.

Long story short, I told him go home and I’m see him there.

I leave the area call mo’de to link up again and he follows me to another spot near by. We talk for a bit I can’t even remember what cause it was two week ago. But we talked for a bit then started making out. He pulls up to another spot, we get in the back and he’s so horny. My intentions that night was to fuck. But the whole seeing my bro thing fucked me up. Like my mind wasn’t there. I couldn’t do it.

I couldn’t fuck knowing what I saw. And he was really horny too. I recall him kissing my neck down to my breast and me feeling sad. Like I felt like crying. I even shed a tear but wiped it away. I was just looking at him rubbing his chin, and asking him if he missed me he’s like he does. But I ended that night. Told him I had to go, it was getting late he’s like what, come on Im super H’d. My whole Mode just changed man. Like I felt like crying, felt so bad and sad. Just wanted to be held nothing more. I realized it he can’t love me and that hurts. He can’t love me how I want him to love me. Made me even cry harder that night. So I left it as that. Messaged him later that night when I got home saying I was sorry & that shit just caught me off guard. Didn’t mean it. He’s like he understands. Texted him Friday morning also and then he said he could see me later on after work. I said that was cool, yah cause it’s Friday why not. So I ended up agreeing for 8:30 ish. My friend was buggin so I invited her over and went to the mall together to do a little outfit  shopping for Marisa’s bday. So... times getting closer and he’s not hitting me up. I message him at 9 and ask busy? He’s like yah i say it’s okkk. I leave it as that. From Friday to next week Thursday I never hear from him.  Whole week last week I was like when’s he gonna text me. Check for me? Send me snap? Nothing. Anyways I literally left it as it is, & see a text from him Thursday afternoon asking what’s up. I reply back and so we make plans to link again. He asks about my mtl plans and that’s a flop. Says he’s still going so I’m like lol have fun, he’s like why don’t you come. Awww he’s such a lair I love it. Like tell me to come with you and you gonna hurt my feelings. That’s what niggahs do.

November 22nd cont. He texted me Thursday we talk about the basic shit and kinda make plans to link up but the doesn’t happen. Friday night we say let’s met after work, okay bomb so it’s planned. I get home and have to deal with my older bro getting him a rental under my name. Smh so I’m running back and forth in traffic in the city with him. Let mo’de kno what’s going on. Text him he’s like it’s cool, after works still a go. I get back to the house around 8pm perfect timing. Tell Hoyo I’m about to step out for a bit then bam. He hits me with “his friend got into an accident this is his second accident in two weeks” damn I said. Alright.

Next morning he asked what I was up to I was busy dealing with family wedding planning that weekend so I wasn’t really checking for him like that. I send a text asking if he could visit me and he’s like yah around after the wedding and he’s like yah that’s okay. I’m at the wedding waiting for a text back from him kinda, cause it was an early wedding dinner. By 9:30 I was out that place back home. Didn’t want to stay home but I tried to see what he was up too. No reply back I just left it as that. Texts me in the morning Saturday now asking what I went when I texted him. Convo continued, it was kinda dry. But never really cared. Just wanted dick at that point but also was on my period :(..

He still messages me Monday and we agree to see each other after work. The time comes to see him and I’m already ready at this point. I’m home I leave without telling anyone just out the house Start the car and wait to text him.

We met around his ends a plaza parking lot. I arrived at the plaza around 8:10 maybe waited till 8:40 for this guy. So I was just in the car playing music crying going through emotions while waiting for him.

He comes, I get in his car and we drive off to the back of the plaza... I’m on my period so nothing could even happen. But he parks the car and we talk. We didn’t talk about my bday or the Mtl trip, we didn’t talk about us and how we wanna go from here, we didn’t talk about texts and how we waste each other time. Instead we talk about stupid shit that won’t even matter. I just called him names that whole night. Made fun of him jokingly but seriously. But I did kiss him when I got into the car at first.  

Woah, my train of thoughts everywhere. Shit probably doesn’t even make sense but I’m tryna sum it up. So we talked for a bit then made out. Jumped into the back seat to make out further. Took my jacket off and had him kissing all over me. His soft ass kisses, shit got intense cause I felt his boner through my pants and pad. I had him screaming, moaning telling me he’s coming don’t stop. My jaw got fucking tired but it ended he came so much cum holy. But to end that night, he told me to text when I get home, I told him hit me up if you wanna go out, aka niggah I’m tryna go out..

So fast forward next day Tuesday I’m still calling him names via text. Convo doesn’t really go anywhere but I wanna see him again 😔😔 I just wanna cudddle it’s so cold outside :(

Wednesday I tell him I wanna cuddle then says come then said I’m wild for leaving in the cold. W/e I just want dick and to cuddle not a big deal.

Don’t have plans with him to see him but once my period ends I’m gonna fuck.

- Friday November 23rd. 

So i thought. 

Thursday evening around 7pm the convo was going. Mostly all Tuesday and Wednesday was kinda sex talk. But thursday night he messages me asking if i was home told him yah he's like lucky I'm like nah i wanna be cuddled up with you.... That was around 7pm.. 

i don't get a text back until 9am friday morning aka tonight.. He messages me like so come through.. Im like damn. its a little to late now, then he follows up with a confusing ass convo talking about how he always fucks up things.. Im like L o L have a good weekend talk to you monday.. He's like where you going? I'm like dead at this point because nothing he's saying makes sense and is confusing as fuck. So i sent a text around 6 or 7pm once again and get no reply now its 11:30 just ending off the night. 

Well i know what we are and know we won't be anything more. I don't want a relationship no matter how much my tummy feels for it. 

I can't deal with that that type of fucked up ness in my life. 

Either you with me or you aren't.