#i can see her so clearly in my mind
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Why'd you have to leave so soon? Why'd you have to go? Why'd you have to leave me when I needed you the most? 'Cause I don't really know how to tell you without feeling much worse I know you're in a better place, but it's always gonna hurt
#charlie puth#see you again#music#see you again solo version#i heard this on the radio in the car and then today i got an email and just for a split second#it looked like my best friend's email addy#i miss you heather#i'm always going to miss you so much#she was my best friend for 37 years#christmas is going to be hard#it was her favorite time of year#she always came over wearing her santa hat with a bell on it and wearing a necklace that lit up like christmas lights#i can see her so clearly in my mind#ageless aislynn#Youtube
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Here's cowboy!Ghost's "guest" house on the Price family ranch
#simon ghost riley#cowboy au#the only other floor plan that I can see so clearly in my mind's eye#witch's house and cowboy!ghost's house are so distinct in my mind#yes his closet also has his water heater in it#but at least he has in unit laundry#Goose does not know this#Ghost doesn't tell her until she discovers it when sleeping over one night#he likes when she does his laundry because she makes it smell nice#cowboy!ghost
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In season 2 Hotch is suspicious and worried that ‘Is that Legal’ Emily Prentiss is a pawn Strauss placed in the BAU.
Prentiss is the last person troubled by Elle Greenaway's 'questionable' shooting. Spies are built with moral ambiguities. But Hotch didn't know that.
(Pre-London Emily tried to reset her life. And succeeded before Ian Doyle re-entered her life. Post-London!Emily realized and learned she could 'live' with her moral ambiguities.)
#emily prentiss#aaron hotchner#david rossi#penelope garcia#tv: criminal minds#jill gideon#criminal minds evolution#cmedit#my edit#criminal minds s17#criminal minds s2#its just very amusing to me on a rewatch#hotch was suspicious of emily that she's some sort of#pawn strauss placed in the BAU because he thought#emily 'is that legal?' prentiss#would be shocked and appalled at a questionable shooting#she used to be a spy so shadiness is part of the job#and early seasons emily was actually trying to#remake her image working for something 'clean'#but also hotch gets to know prentiss pretty well#and knows about prentiss' growing comfort with#her own moral flexibility#and still leaves the BAU Team in her hands#its just both amusing and FASCINATING#also you can clearly see emily think in the second gif#this man does not know me#emily used to be a spy#emily the spy#if it's not obvious#i support women's rights and emily's wrongs
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I'm gonna froth at the mouth over this in the tags so bear with me but reason #1278038 why the way rick went about breaking up jiper was bad: rereading her povs in hoo where she gushes over jason feels like even more of an unreliable narrator queer girl comphet psychological horror story
#it's not that that isn't interesting (it's fascinating actually. especially for a daughter of aphrodite!!!)#it's that it Obviously wasn't his og intention. the ending of hoo is clearly intended to give a positive impression of jiper#this is worsened because shelper is wildly underdeveloped so it's like Dude what did you even do this for#literally just an afterthought. a footnote really. he said “ok here's your canon sapphic rep pls stop shipping theyna now” /j#she was a main character in one of the main couples in hoo it's so crazy? how can that happen. he would never do this to percabeth#can you imagine if percabeth broke up offscreen and 2 months later annabeth was with some complete rando and then percy died. girl what#it's the kind of setup/payoff issue that is difficult to put into words because he set up something (jiper and all its complex morality)#to ultimately be good because they're making the choice to love each other in the end (poorly executed but whatever I don't hate it)#and then in toa????? he just obliterates them for no payoff and creates a new impression of the most literal case of comphet imaginable? wh#toa is my absolute least favorite sorry#marginally related but if we can Be. Chill. and acknowledge that he originally wrote nico as crushing on annabeth#(we can argue all day about how Definite the crush was but come on. he did not put percy's speculation of it in there for no reason)#(and he obviously did not plan for nico to be gay back then you will literally never convince me of this)#(representation was NOT on his mind in the first 5 books that's why the cast is almost completely white except charles and ethan)#(the disposable poc who die tragically btw)#then I see a similarly confusing debacle but like. in the opposite way#something something sexuality is fluid you can be gay and feel confused about how u used to have a het crush but are still gay#nico says so himself to piper which is hilarious#it's just the lack of consistency and poor planning that I hate........... it is a ginormous pet peeve of mine and it's All Over His Books#piper already reads as having so much growing to do regarding her gender and sexuality because Somebody#(the man writing her) littered her pov with internalized misogyny/anti hyperfemininity and went nowhere with it#rr crit#percy jackson and the olympians#piper mclean#jason grace#pjo hoo toa#anti jiper#<- I PROMISE I am not actually anti-jiper I am very neutral about it as I am with all jason ships. they had cute moments#tagging that just in case#this comes from a place of deep love for the franchise and it's characters btw I have been a fan since I was 8
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Barnaby dissapears for an entire day and then suddenly he's back with a cone around his neck like "I don't want to talk about it."
AGAHSBJASNAFKN PLEASEEEE
#stop i can see his face so clearly#he looks so pissed off in my Mind's Eye....#ears scrunched up in there...#'i dont want to talk about it' ashgdasjbkjasfnlafs#rambles from the bog#yk i might scribble a lil something for this except its 'poppy is making me quit smoking' instead of. yk lmao#the mental image of her wrangling the cone onto his head...#or wait no she waits until he falls asleep and then he wakes up and its There
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as someone who absolutely adored Sam/Melissa in Scream 5 while most everyone else was hating on her and her acting, I’ve been thinking about this for a while and can honestly write a whole dissertation on this SO
Melissa was never a bad actress in 5. I’d argue it all comes down to how Sam was written and that she was intentionally a little more stoic. And then, as soon as Melissa had more input on the character and fought to give Sam more complexity in 6, suddenly everyone loved her and was praising her for “getting acing lessons”. Someone doesn’t just improve their acting that much in the few months timespan between when 5 came out and 6 was filmed, she was always that good!
The real reason I’m writing this though is because there’s a certain subtle aspect of Melissa’s acting that I’ve never seen anyone talk about before, but it might just be my favorite thing about her portrayal of Sam. MELISSA’S BODY LANGUAGE ACTING IS INCREDIBLE AND IT’S TIME WE SPEAK ABOUT IT!!
Maybe it’s just the mental illness in me that sees the same things I do in her, but a lot of little things she does/the way she carries herself stick out to me and I love it so much. The way she crosses her arms like she’s closed off whenever something particularly bad or uncomfortable is happening (she does this in shrine scene when Tara catches her talking to Billy, at the police station after Gale is attacked, and in 5 when she begins to tell Tara about finding the diary), the way her leg bounces when she’s nervous/anxious (like when she’s talking to Danny after the ladder scene), the way she fiddles with her hands (like in the scene right after she’s attacked in the hospital in 5), it all really catches my attention and it’s so subtle but perfect.
Melissa’s crushing it as Sam, and was way before everyone finally started appreciating her performance in 6. When I see her do those things I’m like!! I do those exact things too! It may not be a big deal to anybody else and they may not even notice it, but I notice it and absolutely love it and feel seen by it. It just feels like Melissa really put the time, effort, and thought into Sam and her mannerisms to make her a more well-rounded character, and I just think we all need to talk about it more.
#whew this ended up way longer than I anticipated#sorry I just have a lot of thoughts about melissa and the massive amounts of hate she got for 5#no one’s even gonna see this but it needed to be said#I know it’s a lot better now and people like her now but man being a sam/melissa stan in 2022 was ROUGH#it still weighs on my mind sometimes#like clearly none of y’all have watched Vida!#bc that girl can ACT#anyways I love melissa so much like that’s my girl <3#melissa barrera#sam carpenter#scream
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Finally some more Dreamling Anastasia AU!
(Obligatory link to the masterpost with all the other posts in this AU - it's also pinned at the top of my blog!)
So, it's been... a while... but I've recently finally got some motivation to write a bit more of this. Apologies to everyone really looking forward to the finale/resolution - I've decided to go all the way back to the start of the story, instead. I hope you'll enjoy it nonetheless!
(Tag list: @10moonymhrivertam @martybaker @globglobglobglobob @anonymoustitans @sunshines-fabulous-legs @dreamsofapiratelife @malice-kingdom - since it's been a, uh, really long time, please let me know if you're no longer interested in this AU/fandom and don't want to be tagged anymore, I won't mind! On the other hand, if someone else would like to be tagged in future updates, please let me know!)
---
“Sister… it’s me.”
The man on the dilapidated theatre’s stage shrugs a heavy, moth-eaten velvet coat off his narrow shoulders. It crumples into a dark semi-circle around him, releasing a dramatic cloud of dust.
“Dream… of the Endless~”
.
“Ah. Hm.” A somewhat fussy older gentleman in the empty space usually reserved for the audience adjusts the small circular glasses on his nose, grimacing in a polite and distinctly English way - which he has, once, after first coming to this realm and taking this form, spent hours practising in the mirror - while checking a long list in front of him. “Mr… Carter, was it…?”
“Oh, please.” The man on stage flicks back his white-streaked bangs. “Call me Hal.”
“Yes. Of course, Mr. Hal.” The gentleman purses his lips. “That was… not, er. Not terrible, I suppose. And we’re pleased to note that you appear to have… brought your own cloak.”
“Don’t get used to it. Zelda and Chantal only let me borrow it for the audition.”
“Well, it is a lovely cloak. Only, ah, while Dream of the Endless was known to have quite striking eyes, I do think that, perhaps a little less eyeliner…”
“I could tone it down, I suppose, but I really think the performance would lose something without the makeup.” Hal sighs melodramatically. “I can sing and dance too, if you need it for your… what is this audition for, actually? Play? Music hall show? Ooo, one of those moving pictures?”
“Er.” The gentleman fidgets with his cane, grass-green eyes flickering around the empty theatre. “Well-”
“Thank you, Hal.” The younger man beside him interrupts with a winning smile that only barely covers the boredom and frustration lining a rather ruggedly handsome face. “We’ll let you know.”
“Hm.” Hal, clearly enough of an old hand in the acting business to know a polite “you’re not getting the role, piss off” when he hears one, frowns, and bends down to gather up the borrowed cloak, stalking off towards stage exit right with his head held high, not deigning either of the two men with even one more look.
“...I really do not think this will work, young Robert.” The older man mutters, decisively striking through Hal Carter’s name on his list. It is the last. “None of them look even remotely like him. And the voice-”
“I know, Gil. I know.” The younger man, Hob - only Gilbert is proper and precise enough to call him Robert - rubs at his temples, as if to stave off a headache. “They never manage to get the voice right, do they.”
“Ah, if it were only that…” Gilbert sighs, setting the list down. His eyes are soft and unfocused, seeing far into a past that has long since been razed to the ground. “His Lordship, he… he had a certain air about him, you understand. An otherworldly strangeness. He was the dream-maker, and dream-made, and to look at him was to gaze upon infinity.”
A soft scoff.
“Even if we claim that he has been greatly reduced by being turned into a meagre human - no offence, dear friend - as long as he does not have some spark of endlessness about him, nobody who has ever met him would fall for the ruse. And we are attempting to con his family. I simply cannot see any viable path to success.”
Hob does not respond, for a moment, picking up one of the flyers on their table.
It reads:
.
SEEKING Actor, slender, pale, tall, dark-haired, in the 20-40 age range to play the role of Dream of the Endless (method actors preferred). Generous pay and further benefits await. Auditions each weekday at 6pm at the Old Whickber Street Theatre, Soho. Ask for Hob and Gil.
.
“We’ll find him.” Hob insists. “The perfect pretender. He’s out there, I just know it.”
“We are not the first fools who have attempted a, a caper of this sort.” Gil points out, almost gently. “None of the others ever succeeded.”
“Yes. Well. None of the others managed to find and correctly identify the late Dream’s own pouch of genuine dream-sand on sale at the black market.” Hob shoots back, gesturing at the cord just barely peeking out from under Gil’s collar. (They’ve decided it would be safer if Hob comes into contact with the sand as little as possible, and Gilbert has taken to carrying it as closely to his heart as he can manage.) “It’s hard evidence, Gil, it’s a sign, it’s our chance - and it might just be enough. The trick with a good con is really making it look like you’re giving the mark exactly what they desperately want… and there’s nothing in the world Death of the Endless wants more than to have her brother back.”
.
(She wants it so desperately, in fact, that she’s offering immortality to any sentient being who manages to procure Dream for her.
And, well.
There’s nothing in the world Hob wants more than to live forever…)
.
“Your word in- or, well, kept out of Destiny’s ears, young friend.” Gil sighs, collecting his lists and notes and the remaining flyers, tucking them into his coat and reaching for his cane. “In the meantime, how about we go down to the public house and have a bit of a snifter to wash away the memories of all those atrocious performances, eh, my lad?”
“Best idea you had all day, Gil.” Hob grins, clapping a hand on Gilbert’s shoulder. “Are you buying?”
Gilbert raises one grey brow. “At the risk of provoking a joke regarding my non-human status: in your dreams, Robert.”
Hob laughs; and, together, they step out into the winter night, old snow crunching under their shoes and new flakes beginning to drift, gradually, down from the sky.
.
.
.
It has been a decade since the end of the Endless’ reign.
Ten years since humanity tore Destiny’s book from his hands and burned it.
Ten years since Destruction abandoned his siblings, hiding away in his own, separate exile.
Ten years since Despair’s first aspect was killed, and another took her place.
Ten years since Delight went mad with grief and became Delirium…
.
And ten years since Dream of the Endless was captured, bound, turned human, and killed.
.
People still whisper about it. Still speculate, trade gossip and hearsay back and forth. Some insist that the Dream King yet lives, hidden away, turned human, just biding his time, waiting for an opportunity to return to his siblings.
It’s a lovely legend, Hob supposes. A fitting end and non-end, for the Lord of Stories, to live on in one… but that’s all it is. A pretty tale, which will breathe new life into a myth only for as long as it’s being told. It isn’t true…
…but now, ten years later, Hob and Gil will damn well make it so.
.
.
.
Ten years is also, coincidentally, all that a man a few streets down from the old theatre can remember of his life.
Ten years since he was found, naked and emaciated and bleeding, in a ditch next to some countryside road in East Sussex.
Ten years of fighting his way through a life in poverty, with no family, no friends, no-one to care for him, except perhaps the birds.
Ten years of strange and haunting dreams, blurred faces calling out to him with names he can never remember later but knows are his; ten years of waking every morning with tears on his face and a longing for someplace - and someones - he wishes he could remember; ten years of a woman’s voice begging him night after night to come home to her, to them.
.
Ten years of being much too busy starving and freezing and barely surviving to spare even a single thought to the dying legends of the Endless.
.
This man turns his face up to the sky, snowflakes catching in his dark hair and on his coat like stars glinting in the night; and he shivers, his breath clouding mist-white in the air, curling thin arms around a narrow torso.
(For a moment, just a moment, his eyes glow dark and infinite, a mirror to the night sky and the endless universe beyond.)
And then, he ducks his head down into his scarf, shivers again, and continues on through the snow.
Ten hard years have taught this man better than to waste his time standing about and daydreaming.
#WyWrites#dreamling#the sandman#anastasia dreamling au#it's been 84 years......#i've got a rough draft of a scene or two after this too#endlessly busy with uni of course#and getting back into Good Omens my old love#but i've been feeling like dabbling with this au again lately so why not#and i just HAD to give you Hal doing the iconic coat drop scene#he would have been iconic as drag Dream of the Endless just saying#Hob and Gil are missing out#and the first glimpse of Murphy... I can see it in my mind's eye so clearly#him looking up at the sky with the stars in his eyes and the snow in his hair#and Death forever calling out to him in her sleep#gosh have i missed this au#can't guarantee too much more#but a few more bits are definitely in the works!
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Hear me out (or don't... it's fine I'm just venting and mean) yeah um I don't believe Chakotay was saved in Prod*gy s2.
#the 'time travel' makes no sense when you think on it. What happened to Prime Chakotay? He got killed they showed that.#At the end s1 Janeway finds an 'alternate chakotay in an alternate timeline' and that's the one they go and get#we saw the original get merc'd in the message. That ACTUALLY happened. Lmao.....#They didn't prevent THAT death because they didn't go to THAT Solum with the Infinity and stop it from happening#instead it was 'ALTERNATE#' implying other.#OG Chakotay wasn't taken over by the alternative one either nothing suggests that was the direction for him in s2#they didn't do anything like 'well you see chakotay because at the end of s2 when we converged timestreams you have merged with your other'#if they did want to recover the original from s1 then keep that clear instead of being convoluted dont use an alternate timeline wtf#instead the plot was focused on gywns stupid fucking paradox plot and her being fixed#chakotay was the one in a paradox too did that not matter nah dw about it he had to die for this outcome or someshit lmao why#In the extended message given to admiral janeway it shows him clearly getting left behind and surrounded. Sadly no one intervened.#I dont understand why they couldnt have just made s2 about his rescue alone IF they took their time it wouldnt be so difficult#to follow#above that the one they rescued was ruined by the 10 year gap so he wasn't 'saved' at all. God i hate s2 when you break it apart#I dunno the more i look at s2 Janeway and Chakotay the more upsetting it is. Janeway would NOT have settled for an imposter.#everyone going goo-goo gaa gaa over s2 but it's sloppy af imo and undermines a huge portion voyagers struggles#id really like them to flatly lay out their ideas because literally nothing ive heard explains the story or choices of s2 with conviction#instead it's oh clap for wesley or the new vulcan and other references yay#describe to me your timetravel clearly and i'll happily take a seat on it (there is still other crap stuff mind you)#this is the most repressed shit i my head i swear#im angry because s1 is so clearly mapped out to a brilliant degree and for whatever reason it's not in s2#i can see through it#insultingly people are eating it up and claiming it's better than ever nah dawg embarrassing#there are nice ideas inside s2 but they arent adequately rewarded#it doesnt compare to the timetravel in other trek because they kept it clear#i mean it could have been an interesting parallel to endgame but in the end janeway didnt even rescue him lmao they dropped her#why bother building up this mission only for her to give up and go 'i'll hand it over because im told to'. Janeway had fuck all this season#let alone settle for not fixing her own timeline and her own friends deadly circumstance dw just grab another one from the shelf i guess#the emotional fallout was absolutely missed because they didnt elaborate on anything. Plenty of show but no substance from the characters
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Hi! Thank you so much for the feedback about my Elka art! I really appreciate it. And now the question : What would Elka's mental world look like? I was wondering what you could suggest about this. It always seemed to me that the symbol of her world would be a mirror
Well actually my boyfriend and I had an idea for Elka's brain world we called "Elka's Ever-after!" I need to write down some big document for all the ideas we had about it but for now [should put a tw for like, idk, I think Elka would be an alcoholic as an adult. Theres a vague reference to that here? I mean Bobs Bottles exists so--]
It was a little 50s sitcom-type world, all in black-and-white and such, complete with it's own laugh track! Mostly it would be a representation of the "perfect" life she had always wanted for herself (the one she had pictured in all her years chasing after Nils and their predestined relationship (that as a child she conveniently ignored meant it was doomed to fail)), all with its own dandy Nils stand in, "The Husband," and their two darling regret children. The "plot" of the brain world (in the sense that, if someone were to go into it the "goal" of the world in order to "fix her issues") would be to disrupt this, although perfect, entirely fabricated life Elka, or rather "The Housewife," had made for herself.
The Housewife is stuck in a miserable marriage she pretends is perfect, but the signs are there. The cigarettes, the empty bottles, the constant misfortune written on the calendar on the fridge, the non-stop bad news on the television and the radio and the newspapers. It's obvious things are bad. But Elka is too proud, and far more than that, too resigned to what she sees as her predestined fate to even attempt to change anything. So she just tries to make sure everyone else thinks it's all as perfect as she always told them it would be, even in her own brain world.
She cant change the miserable future her visions showed to her, so why bother even trying? She feels helpless. Her visions are more in control of her own life than she is. There's a lot that I'm skipping for the sake of not rambling on and on, but the end of her world, I think, would be set in her childhood home (rather than the "perfect" home The Housewife lives in.) A little child Elka sitting in the dark of her living room in front of her TV, playing her first vision on loop. The start of all her issues, the beginning of the end of any control she felt over her life. It's mentioned she has a vision of a puppy getting run over in the Li-Po doc and I take that as being one of if not her first vision, so of course she's upset. Giving her the remote to the TV would be symbolically showing her that she is in control, that she doesn't have to just do whatever her visions say, that she has a choice in her life, that she doesn't have to just watch it all happen.
Heart! I could go a LOT into the intricacies of how it all plays out (and I will if you'd like but it would just be a written play-by-play of how I think going through the world would be (complete with bossfights!) from the perspective of Kitty and Franke since they're the ones going through her mind in my and my boyfriends Au!), with all the symbolism and whatnot, but this answer is already long enough.
All in all I have thought about this a lot (,'. Though I do think mirrors could really be a big thing for her. A lot of her issues, including not feeling in control, I also think would stem from her mother treating her precognition as a parlor trick. I think she would see a lot of her mother in herself (and father too for that matter. I figure Barney is the one who cheated (though mostly because of Mable's unhealthy obsession with bad predictions, not that that is an excuse) and I also figure he and Elka were close due to them both being psychics and having their unique precognition. So him leaving would put a lot of strain on her.) and hate that, so mirrors could be a fantastic symbol of that.
#elka doom#psychonauts#be nice#how-good-day#WAHOO I LOVE GETTING ELKER ASKS#she is such a complex beast in my mind#I can see it so clearly#Hitting her with the divorced parents/helplessness complex/BPD combo#Also obviously all of this is overdramatized#In an actually realistic depiction I think the most Doublefine would do is make her some miserable woman who hates her husband#And that's fine too I just love thinking way too much into the lives of these little freaks#I mean could you imagine? Having the ability to see the future expect everything you see is always bad and you can't even control it#That sounds absolutely torturous
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Curly laughing after Jimmy finds the gun that Anya hid, litteraly right under his nose. I have to wonder if it's an ironic laugh, laughing at himself, how he he misses things in plan sight. Right in front of him but not wanting to look. Rarrrgh dead pixels and shit brother. I think about curlys laugh so fucking much the only other moment that holds a candle for me is Daisuke's blood trail from the vent and knowing despite his injuries he still persisted because he was so fucking scared for his coworkers. His friends. And also Jimmy using his empathy against him and manipulating him and convincing him he's the only one who can save them, who can fix this in that moment.
#im much to simple minded to talk about mouthwashing but know. im thinking.#crazy how much a character who can not emote or speak can somehow show more remorse for his actions than jimmy.#god their fucking parallels. jimmy saying so much thru the game and it meaning fucking nothing. compared 2 curly. god.#i also have thoughts that Anya wasnt talking about her suicide when she mentioned her worst moments#like yet its established that the only locks are in the med bay but i also have to wonder if its a bit of payback#at curly for being blind. for not seeing what is so clearly there. and forcing him to watch the consequences of his own actions#but thats my crazy talk probably. idk im insane about this game i love the confusing atmosphere
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hello! i was planning on drawing the rawnsyf characters, but i don't really have a clear idea of what every character looks like. do you have any examples of what the characters would wear on a day-to-day basis?
OMG WHAT THATS SO SWEET 😭 😭 😭
For Marcia I generally imagine her in like preppy pastel 2 or 3 piece sets that have a kind of 50’s meets 90’s vibe, very reminiscent of her premiere episode yk? Skirts and sweaters and matching tops. She also of course has her matching workout sets that she wears all the time :)
Anetra I think is a little harder to pinpoint, I don’t think her style is as distinct. I generally imagine her a little more on the light grunge side, like big t-shirts and cargos and flannels and leather jackets, but I also think she’s still figuring out herself and her sense of style so there’s definitely more wiggle room with the way she presents herself haha — just definitely not hyper femme and retro like Marcia
I hope this is helpful somewhat!!! Lmk if you want any other characters and also omg I am still kvelling this is so incredibly sweet I am HONORED that you want to draw my girls 🥹🥹🥹
#I feel more confident about Marcia’s outfits#also there’s this one green tweed set that I can picture so clearly in my mind but idk how to find that I picture her wearing#like very coco Chanel but two piece#Anetra in general is more casual I think#I talked to saph and she said she just put her in a sweatshirt or something#anyways!!!#I hope this is helpful#I can’t wait to reread rawnsyf and find out I am completely wrong about this#but whatever I am author so if this is innacurate I am retconning past stuff and this is what it is now#okay okay#I shall post now#anyways this is so sweet wowoeowowow#I can’t wait to see what you come up with#gonna dedicate this next chapter to you I s2g#rawnsyf#running away will never set you free#ask#asks#razpb3rryshortcak3#I think I got your user right sorry if I mistyped it in here I can’t edit tags on my phone
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Day 253
#Day 253#2 Hours 8 Minutes#For years I've wondered about how to ensure people of very dark skin could have lineart work#And I had several theories#I hoped that someday someone would give the answer as a tutorial but I never seen one#So I quick tested several concepts out#I made sure to do this out in the sun to be sure I could still see the lineart clearly in such conditions#The top middle one is me trying to render a bit normally#Because a full render will make it readable like how pics of real people read fine#And then I have a point of comparison of seeing if the flats/simple renders match the feeling of that level of darkness#I also drew the lines as thin as I'm able to be sure it wasn't just my Thick line style that was permitting it to read#So here's about my results#The lighter colors of the skin have two flavors. Reflected light and light impacted by blood#So forehead vs cheeks in this image you can see it best on the render#So I was checking if the cool vs warm vibed more as this person etc in the flats#I consider the jaw to be the mid tone since it seems least impacted by light#But idk if that's how everyone would view it#I tried to see if relative color could make her appear darker as well#But yeah I know the drawing is a bit gunched but I was nyooming#Relying on sunlight is part of it but I can't remember my state of mind#on my desktop monitor my render looks so baaaad#But on tablet when I turn brightness to full (which I do to check that it works on desktops) it seems fine?#Just how bad are my monitor settings...
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It's a good sign I'm recovering from my creative slump that I was able to brainstorm a story that makes me laugh.
#all it took was one shot from the disney batb#beast made a face that was very expressive of the man underneath#and a retelling started forming as a cheerful version of the beast started chattering at me#lovely man#doesn't know how to shut up#it's a major issue between himself and his beauty#(who is introverted and serious and a bit cranky)#he insists on telling the story to his children#despite my doubts that he'll be an objective or honest narrator to these young ears#and even then he refuses to tell me most of the story#all i've got is his first dinner with beauty (did not go well)#and i'm like 'how did she go from that to wanting to marry you?'#and he's like 'i'm just irresistibly charming'#and i'm like 'clearly not because you just told me how she resisted you. why did she change her mind?'#and he's like 'idk. lack of options? i'm just thrilled it happened i'm not self-aware enough to figure out why'#and i'm all 'can you at least tell me what you did? it can't just be that you had long boring days in the palace#'and then she suddenly fell in love'#and he's like 'but what if it did happen that way though?'#and i'm like 'make something up! i don't want people to fall asleep reading this'#and he's like 'sorry can't help'#so i try to talk to beauty but she doesn't want to talk to strangers so i'm stuck#but what i do have is a very hopeful sign of returning creative health#for some reason even though i have a jillion batb ideas#the funny ones are the only ones i get interested in enough to actually write#we'll see if this becomes one of them#adventures in writing
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Thinking about Celann and his ever present grief at the life he could have had, he and his wife and (he always hoped) their daughter. A life where he was a father--he'd hardly ever wanted anything more than that. So full of love he was ready to burst and needed somewhere to put it, wanted a life with his favorite girls.
Thinking about how the ever present desire haunts him no matter how deep he buried it. It keeps coming back, relentlessly, this anguish that he threw it all away. He could have had exactly what he wanted and he was stupid enough to abandon it all, and for what? Because he was upset? But then he always remembers how hollow he felt after the incident, like if you rapped him with a knuckle you'd hear he was just a shell. He forgives himself, then, remembers how wrong everything felt, and he thinks about all the time he spent desperately trying to make everything feel right again.
Remembers when he realized he was the problem, what needed to be fixed. Removed.
He abandoned the life he had and every dream he'd ever held close because he wasn't him anymore. Celann would never have killed anyone, would never have done... that. He was some other Celann, different, trying to make himself fit in the life of a man that no longer existed. And so he left.
And he has no right to ache so badly at the thought of what he gave up, no right to ache at the loss of a family (of two families, but he starts thinking that and breaks every time, so he's gotten good at simply skipping over the thought) when he was a killer--an adept one, a practiced one--that could mangle and maul and kill and do it again and again. What right does he have to still want that happy little dream?
But the dream is a ghost and it haunts him, is there every time he's out on a supply run and sees kids playing around the marketplace, sees women cradling infants and fathers carrying sons on their shoulders. (He reminds himself of the blood on his hands, is scared he might stain them with it if he reaches out to touch them.) It's there when he has a bag and his axe hanging from his hips and finds a girl crying for her mother, lost and separated, jostled by the crowd.
It's there as he calms her, kneeling on wet and gritty stone, hovering between her and the flow of the crowd so they give her space. He lifts her and holds her against his side with one arm and something in him weeps, feels something soft in him as her tiny weight settles and she starts chattering at him about the groceries she and her mother came to buy.
They weave their way through the marketplace as they help each other--she tells him where he can find what he needs, and he silently curses the nords and their height as he tries to peer over shoulders to catch a glimpse of the woman she described--and that cold weight that's usually settled in his chest, his grief and remorse, lightens with every step. She's warm through his sweater and splutters indignantly every time the ever changing wind blows her brown hair into her mouth and he laughs, quiet and warm.
They check places she's already been, in case her mother doubled back looking for her, and take detours so Celann can fumble to place newly acquired groceries in the bag beneath her, unwilling to hold her over the side with his axe and equally unwilling to put her down, awkwardly shifting her weight as she laughs at him. He's silly for buying such expensive things, she tells him, and he light heartedly tells her Skyrim is silly for not having the things he used to use in High Rock. The revelation he hasn't always lived in Skyrim excites her to no end, and the rest of the trip is a Q&A of the sort only a small child can provide.
He feels warm inside, in his chest, where usually he feels vaguely cold at best, and for a moment he's reluctant to relinquish her when they finally find her mother, guided by the sounds of panicked calls of her name. There's a fond sadness as he sets her down on the stones again, and the woman looks at him oddly for a moment before the look turns knowing, though he's sure the conclusion she reached is slightly off.
She quietly asks if her daughter reminds him of her. He stands there silently for a moment, looking down at the little girl as she rifles through the things her mother's found.
He tells her yes.
#celann#fucking girldad#guy who wants small house white picket fence and 2.5 kids forced to become a murderer#cant live with the guilt and horror and becomes a man he cannot recognize in the mirror more at 6#me thinking about this last night: he uses Adult Privileges to be tall and look out over the crowd#me writing this: his short ass cant see over everyone else#its fine enough when hes just in the fort like usual but then theres a crowd and hes like goddammit#anyway he has to go get his fancy ingredients because NO you CAN use that but it doesnt TASTE RIGHT#and so he has been banished to specifically get his own goddamn groceries#celann: im a cold blooded killer and i can never atone for the atrocities i have committed. i am incapable of good#also celann: 💞💞💞😊😊😊#the loss of self after the incident really fucked him up he doesnt know who he is#he keeps trying to categorize himself and neatly file himself away but the fact remains#he is both the old celann and a new one simultaneously#however he feels tainted by his actions and thinks of the Before as like a purer time and he is not a pure man#so CLEARLY he is not AT ALL the old celann and those good traits are gone#anyway he goes soft when theres kids just absolutely melts#like the only guy in the dg that can be trusted to watch a small child#also in case it wasnt clear when the mother akss 'does she remind you of her' shes assuming his daughter is dead#shes asking if her daughter reminds him of his own#delivering your typical celann angst and remembering when i said i should write happy things for him#unfortunately this has not happened yet the happy things just happen in my mind
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decided that in my own personal canon, Santiago’s maker looked similar to Louis, simply because Ben Daniels stated that Santiago was very likely in love with his maker. and wouldn’t it be some kind of torture to fall in love with the man who murdered your first vampiric love? to then watch him fall in love with another, who bears an eerie resemblance to that first love? to be witness to something tender and affectionate blooming, every moment a memory of how none of those you’ve adored have ever wanted you back? it would be agony. it would be torture. god, you would just hate them to pieces, loathing even as you loved them. and you wouldn’t know peace - not until the whole pack of them learnt the horror of love, just as you have.
#I like to think that Santiago was courted by his maker. that it was a genuine interest#perhaps turned to be an immortal companion before his maker saw his mind and past and realised how dull he was#imagine being sold the beautiful dream of having an immortal companion who loves you and chose you out of everyone#to be the only they spend eternity with. forever in the arms of love#just for him to see you. truly see you as nobody ever has. and then instantly recoil#abandon you in disgust. he doesn’t care what you do. he doesn’t care where you go. he doesn’t care what you call yourself. francis.#santiago is a strange inverse of claudia#she is a grown woman struggling against her body - constantly being viewed as her past rather than who she truly is#but she is capable and knowing and refuses to pretend. she is Claudia the adult woman. she is Claudia the cage breaker. Claudia the killer.#while I think Santiago is still deep down Francis. lonely and needy and wanting someone to pick him. but nobody ever will#and so he covers himself up in lies and leather and performs on stage. and nobody thinks anyone is standing there but Santiago#I just LOVE torture. imagine how upsetting all of it would be#he’s still a foul cunt. but god the agony. Armand killing the man he loves. Armand falling in love with someone who looks so similar.#and Santiago can have none of them. will only be touched in anger. so make them angry. get them to touch him.#furious desire to hurt is a kind of desire. he’ll take what he can get. he’s going to get it.#he decides to become the new master of the coven when every part of him is clearly begging#please please please want me take me need me make me yours please don’t turn away don’t pick someone else#he’s so careless with the women because life’s not fair ladies! the powerful want you then they drop you after they’ve used you#if I’m a toy you’re all toys. if I’m used I’ll use up the lot of you.#exactly my favourite kind of guy. wants to be loved eternally would flinch if he received it because what even is this?#santiago iwtv#santiago#ldpdl#louis de pointe du lac#armand#armand iwtv#armand interview with the vampire#iwtv#interview with the vampire
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trying to gather my thoughts on unruhe. something about this exchange is so vital to me…about how scully maybe isn’t as natural a seeker as mulder. about how her work as a pathologist is focused on “how” rather than “why”���whereas mulder’s profiling is the inverse. a woman is dead and a man killed her and no amount of probing the inner workings of his psyche, his dreams, his nightmares will remedy that situation. discovering the why doesn’t bring about any deeper sense of justice or peace. because really, no why could ever really explain the mundane horror of a woman’s abduction and murder. if anything, it just more starkly reveals the ugly simplicity of the human capacity for cruelty.
but i also love how later, she leans on the why. she channels mulder and his profiler brain. schnauz even picks up on it (“great. now they got you talking like sigmund freud,” in reference to him calling mulder freud during his interrogation). she asks him why he does it. why her. why this. why did his sister kill herself. why did his father do what he did. part of it’s to keep schnauz talking but it’s also another example of how she reaches for him, even metaphorically, in moments of fear and difficulty.
i also love how this episode, with its themes of unrest and strife and trouble, focuses on scully. mulder is usually the more restless character, always searching and seeking and chasing and moving. but scully is just as, if not maybe even more so. her mother’s remaining daughter. her father’s disappointment. a catholic to her bones, even as she lapses. a woman in a man’s job. who imagines a life to be a husband and kids and big sunday dinners, but who can’t stop following the mad man in the basement. who always insists she’s fine, who locks it all away, who chafes and squirms and explodes in impulsive incendiary bursts. who is always always trying.
there are just some things we don’t or can’t look too deeply into. if god is real, or why the woman in front of us is dead. scully will dig and scrape for proof and explanations for many things, but some interrogations aren’t worth the effort, or the fear of what might be found. some things just are, and they’re too big to move or change or overcome. women die because men kill them. what the hell does it matter?
#the x files#does this say anything at all? you decide.#to me this is especially a specific moment that points out the difference is gender dynamic between mulder and scully#which is not to say that mulder fails to grasp the depth of vulnerability women particularly face - he often does#but there sometimes feels like there’s something a little more…academic? to his approach? as a profiler and an investigator#in the sense of like. seeking out reasons and building out the psyche of the perpetrator even once he’s caught#like there’s a woman lying dead on the road and her killers in custody so why are we talking about dreams and nightmares and psychic photos?#scully as a woman who has experienced gendered violence doesn’t need to go probing because this is how the world is#men kill women because they can.#there is something vital about living in a violent world as a woman that mulder cannot fully understand#idk if i’m articulating my thoughts on this clearly at all#like there’s so much here…the fact that it’s lobotomies…the loss of the mind and sense of self#and scully is or at least likes to think of herself as cerebral so that’s terrifying to contemplate#and then being confronted with how restless she is and refusing to look at it….#also i know at the end she says she sees the value in looking at why monsters do what they do in order to understand them#and ultimately stop them#but i think that still troubles her and#doesn’t come easily to her#IDK i’m just saying stuff ok bye
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