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whumblr · 1 day ago

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Losing battles, winning wars

Crossed out - Continued from ch.11 - Prologue

“A visitor?”

Ava brought up her agenda for the day, pressing the phone to her ear with her shoulder. Sure enough, she hadn’t missed anything; the only thing scheduled for the upcoming hour was a quick meet with Sarah. No outside clients for today. With half an eye still on the file in her hand and the phone in the other, the name the receptionist gave her didn’t fully register through her surprise—and annoyance.

“Yes, ma’am, he is—"

“Tell him I don’t do walk-ins, Fletcher, and that he can make an appointment like the rest of the world.”

A soft rustle sounded, as if Fletcher turned away from his visitor and cupped a hand to the phone. “He says he’s police,” he whispered, “and that it’s urgent.”

Ava didn’t bother repressing an annoyed sigh. “Send him up, then. I’ll give him ten minutes.”

Police… she mused when she put the phone back in its holder, a little more forceful than necessary. Not uncommon given her line of work and the defendants they represented, but usually handled through the right networks and with the right communication. Given this deviance – and the ambush – she had a feeling she knew what this was about.

The USB drive Lucas had given her was snugly plugged in her laptop. She removed it, put it in a drawer, and closed all digital files still open. Unreasonable, she knew that, not like he was going to tell by glancing at the stick what was on it or get anywhere near her computer, but still.

A knock on the glass door interrupted her musings and she turned.

“Ava.” Her secretary, already a girl of small stature, stepped aside in the doorway, dwarfed by the man she was escorting. “Mr Mathison.”

The man gave a polite nod and smile at the girl in thanks and she didn’t seem uncomfortable in his presence.

Ava, however, put on her game-face to hide her surprise. She had seen this man before. Leading a pack of black-clad armed men into a theatre. Marching back out with a bloodied Lucas.

He was wearing the same long black coat as he had then, a white dress shirt underneath and wearing black slacks. Given his clothes, here in the business district he could pass as a cunning lawyer or business man – probably what he was going for in public – and if she’d passed him in the lobby, she wouldn’t think twice about that assumption. But his manner and poise – the at ease stance with his hands behind his back – betrayed a little something else. And, well, having seen him having a bloodied man carried out of a public theatre might skew her judgement. Despite his attempt at this ‘disguise’, it was clear up close that this man was law enforcement through and through.

Not to mention she had done her research. Or rather, Lucas’ research, combined with some searches of her own. She was well aware this was the man Lucas suspected of murder, a man in charge of a prison, probably holding Lucas in custody. Illegal custody.

“Mr Mathison,” she echoed her secretary, but with a hint of ice in her tone. Time was precious after all, especially if it was taken from you like this.

“Ms Akwebe,” Mathison returned the greeting with a slight nod, his voice a deep rumble.

He shook her hand, less firm than she’d expected, and he immediately took a step back, making sure to keep a distance. The gesture seemed polite, but to Ava it seemed calculated. A façade that he merely kept up to compensate for his intimidating presence and that now clashed with how he’d bulldozered his way in here.

“Thank you for meeting me. I understand I am taking up your time so I’d like to get straight to business.”

He sat down on the sofa without waiting for an invitation. And just before he settled down, something caught Ava’s eye and she bristled with suppressed fury.

“Mr Mathison, you’ve either got a lot of guts or a lot of issues carrying that into my office.”

She nodded at the slight bulge next to his chest, under his coat, where she’d noticed his shirt had crinkled in a way that seemed familiar.

He didn’t seem bothered, didn’t adjust his coat nor moved and merely gave a polite smile. “Well spotted.”

“Do I need to call security in here?”

“I do not believe that is necessary. After all, they cleared me at the entrance as I have a concealed carry permit. I do apologise if it makes you uncomfortable.”

While anger was a form of discomfort, bubbling up inside her chest, she would never let it show. She had remained standing behind the other couch, perhaps an unconscious manner of creating some distance between them. But before he could notice and add to her ‘discomfort’ she walked around and sat directly across from him. This was a power play through and through; showing up assuming she’d make time for him, carrying a gun into her office.

“I assume you’re here about Lucas,” she said, not wanting to give the man a way to beat around the bush. After all, ten minutes is ten minutes.

“I am,” he said. “You are his supervisor?”

“I don’t supervise, mr Mathison. I lead a team of skilled people and I need them to be competent enough to work independently, without me holding their hand along the way.“

“Maybe it you hadn’t just held his hand but actively pulled him back we wouldn’t be here.”

“I don’t like what you’re implying.”

He held up his hands. “My apologies. You are aware what the charges are against him?”

“Helping a client with some less than scrupulous advice.”

“Yes. We are under the impression that he was acting independently, so none of that rubs off on you or the other people here.”

“Which client?” Ava pressed, and she expected him to blink and go ‘what?’ in that fake polite voice of his but the man didn’t hesitate at all.

“Unfortunately I cannot tell you that. The investigation is still pending and I can’t name names. I’m sure you can understand.”

“I need to know to make sure others don’t fall for the same trap.”

“I can assure you this person will never walk into this building to seek legal or other unscrupulous assistance again. Should that change, I will be the first to give you a heads up.”

He was quite invested in this fake story. While Ava was more interested in the real story and the illegal detainment. But she was stuck there. She couldn’t ask, couldn’t hint, couldn’t press. She’d only oust herself and paint a clear target on her back. So against her principles, she had to relent and allow him a win here. She’d strike when the time was right.

“We think he acted independently,” Mathison said again when she sat back on the sofa, “but I wanted to ask you if you noticed anything… different about his behaviour the weeks before his arrest.”

How antsy he was, bolting out of the building at random times, working overtime once his regular work files had been finished – though uncharacteristically rushed – clearly exhausted but working like a possessed man? While she’d hated him ambushing her at the theatre, at least it cleared the fog and he had finally confided in her. “Nothing unusual,” she lied.

“You were with him the day of his arrest.”

Ah, so that’s why he was here. Combed through security footage, now, had he. She could turn him away with a single word; merely as warden this man did not have the jurisdiction to get involved with any investigation. But doing so wouldn’t get her anywhere, it would only give her a mental win while what she needed were answers.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“We were at the theatre. We were seeing a movie.”

“Which movie?”

“The journey to Mars.”

“Did you plan this trip?”

“We happened to meet inside.” Close enough to the truth with him ambushing her.

“Did he give you anything?”

“Cash for my niece to get snacks.”

“Nothing else?”

“Nothing else.” An enormous headache, sure, but probably not as bad as his own when they’d carried him out, near-unconscious. A tinge of rage twisted in her stomach.

He asked several more questions and she answered with as little information as she could but still enough and being cooperative, to make sure that, first, he’d believe she was no threat, and second, to never have him ‘visit’ again for more follow-up questions. At the end, he seemed satisfied and at ten minutes sharp, he stood, thanked her for her time and left as sudden as he’d announced his arrival.

Ava dropped back on the sofa, still whirling from this force of nature that had just blown through.

A knock on the door again, this time from a welcome visitor.

“That was him?” A blonde woman, carrying a stack of files almost reaching her chin, walked into the office. Sarah, the person she actually had a meeting with and who probably had hovered awkwardly in the hallway, carrying pounds of paperwork and waiting for them to finish up.

Ava nodded and sat back with a sigh, gesturing for her to sit down. “That was him.”

With a heavy thud Sarah dropped the stack of files on the table in-between the two sofas. She looked back, as if she could still see the imposing man retreating out the door. “Seems like a handful.”

“You have no idea… What did you want to discuss?”

“You asked me to look into the financial aspects of the prison. His prison.” She nodded back.

“What did you find?”

Sarah scattered a number of files over the table and opened one of them. “Mostly what you’d expect to find. There are, however, monthly recurring transfers that aren’t from the government or charities or corporations, but from private persons or institutions. Booked as donations.”

“Is that uncommon?”

“Not in itself, but it is in this amount and usually donations are one-off. So, I looked into some of the names and that’s where it starts to get odd. I recognised some of the cases connected—” she pulled out two files from under the others and opened one, pointed at the name, “— this one, rather obvious, connected to the local mob, so that’s enough to make you wonder. But this one—” she opened the other file and tapped the name at the top of the page, “—Newport, government family who lost a son in that hit-and-run a few years back, whole thing was splashed over the news.”

“I remember. High profile case. They donated? The family?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Multiple times?”

“Over multiple years.”

“Are we sure these donations are voluntary?”

“No. But it seems they are.”

Ava furrowed a brow. “Are they donating or paying…?” she pondered out loud.

“Donating to keep their son’s killer incarcerated?”

A far reach. Something she absolutely would have dismissed before. Before she had read Lucas’ research on the prison.

She didn’t want to speculate too much. Get the facts first, they will point out a pattern and confirm their hypotheses or not. “Good find, Sarah. Run through all the names behind the donations. Double check them with the names of inmates – ask Robin for help with that, he’s looking into that – see if some are connected to the mob or rivalling factions, families connected to any crimes or victims—”

“Everything.” Sarah nodded, already ahead of her. “I’m on it.” She stood, but lingered near the door. “Any word on Lucas?”

“Nothing. All silent on the front.”

Sarah bit her lip, gave a solemn nod but her eyes blazed with determination, and turned back to her own desk.

Ava looked at the stack of files in front of her. A wry smile formed at her lips and the same determination lit in her eyes.

You may think the world bends to you, Mr Mathison, but that’s going to snap back at you some time.

Backing down was not her style, but she knew damn well when to pull back a little for the sake of winning in the long run. She wasn’t sure she’d parried all of his suspicions but even if he weren’t fully convinced they weren’t involved, he couldn’t do a thing about it. They were all involved. And they were coming for him, and coming for Lucas.

She opened the file Sarah put on top of the stack, settled in for work, and read the top line.

Newport v Georgiou.

Tag list: @gala1981 @chaotic-orphan @lolrpop @andithewhumper @tippytappytyping

@suspicious-whumping-egg @cherrychupachup @alexmundaythrufriday @defire @withdrawingramen

@light-me-on-pyre @treasureguardingdragon @notactuallyluska @fortunately-cool-penguin

#whump #whump writing #caretaker vs whumper #prison whump #crossed out #my writing #happy almost christmas #Im dead tired I'm taking a christmas writing break :))#need to see which chapters are next for lucas...

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mumms-the-word · 2 days ago

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Notes on a Caretaker

I find something about this note so fascinating. Every time I pick it up or scroll back around to it I have to sit with it and just...linger, trying to understand it.

So this is my attempt to break it down and sort through my thoughts about this note, which I think is so obviously from Solas. I think it hints not only to his spirit background, but also his perspective on the path he feels is set before him. Which, idk, is cool!

Mini analysis under the cut! Also a lot of Veilguard spoilers!

This note has a smear of paint on one corner: Have they always been here? There are beings in the Crossroads unknown even to the wise, though the most ancient ones make any domain their own. Certainly, this Caretaker belongs here now.

We’re led to believe this note must be from Solas because of the smear of paint. And I would argue the paint perhaps clues us in to when this might have been written. No doubt Solas was painting murals when he was running around as the Rebel Fen'Harel, since we see some of them in Trespasser, but I think he painted the murals in the Lighthouse after he left the Inquisition (in part because we have that last mural where he kills Flemythal, and he left his paint pallet in the music room after recreating the Inquisition murals there). So it could go either way, but...

I can just imagine Solas, lost in the throes of his regrets, painting his sins on the walls of the library and his memories of the Inquisition in the music room, finally noticing the Caretaker who has arrived, or perhaps was always there. Perhaps he pauses to consider the nature of the Caretaker, and the mystery of when it arrived. We find this note in the kitchen/dining area, where Solas still has a single place setting laid out for himself. So perhaps the Caretaker arrived to take care of him?

Or maybe this is a really, really old letter from when Solas first retreated to the Lighthouse and began to use it as his base of operations. How ancient is the Caretaker? Did they arrive to see to the Lighthouse during the days of the rebellions against the Evanuris, or did they arrive later? Did they arrive because they were drawn to the needs of dozens, hundreds of rebels and refugees, or drawn to its echo after they were gone? Which is it?

I personally go back and forth about it, but it's fascinating that the letter subtly supports both perspectives. Anyways!

I wonder what we look like to them. Need is a scaffold, and the needs of the living ever rise and fall upon it. Hunger, thirst, sleep... imagine the constant cacophony to one sensitive to such things.

The "we" suggests maybe this is a much older letter. I can see a much younger Solas leading his rebels to the Lighthouse and contemplating the nature of this Caretaker, worrying about how so many physical bodies in one space might affect a spirit sensitive to physical needs. But I can also see a much more recent Solas pondering this new (or new to him) creature, so I don't know.

Either way, "we" vs. "them." Solas is well and truly part of the living here, as opposed to viewing this all entirely as a spirit. It's like he's wondering what these spirit-born elves, or even mortals in general look like to a spirit like the Caretaker. A spirit whose focus is on needs, surrounded by these elves with physical bodies who now have very real, tangible needs. Hunger, thirst, sleep, things a spirit does not feel. But the Caretaker does, at least, sense these things in others.

The chorus of one person's needs must be a lot, but the cacophony of dozens, hundreds, as there would have been when the Lighthouse was in its prime? No wonder Solas has a moment of concern for this benevolent spirit.

Or am I too simple? Wants are fleeting; needs have deeper roots. Perhaps that's why I find this particular spirit's presence both comforting and disconcerting. The prospect that our heart's desire and our truest need could differ—or are even at odds—is hard to contemplate.

This. This is the most fascinating part of the note.

Or am I too simple? I think this is a hint, super early in the game, that Solas is a spirit. Spirits are the pure manifestations of emotion and thought. Complexity comes with personhood, with being part of the living in the tangible world. But spirits in the Fade (even before the Veil) are always pretty simple.

Solas is grappling with his nature here.

Wants are fleeting; needs have deeper roots. Perhaps that's why I find this particular spirit's presence both comforting and disconcerting.

I wonder if this is Solas struggling a bit with the unique experience of being both spirit and elf, undying but also very much alive, originally intangible but now physical. Wants come with being a spirit—spirits want to see beyond the Veil, if they're curious enough, or Cole as Compassion wants to help, he wants to look like the boy who died in the Spire. But here it's like Solas is suggesting that need is an intrinsically mortal or at least physical thing—something he didn't need to consider much before he had a body.

After all, spirits who don't have purely physical bodies don't seem to have the same needs. Like when Dorian talks with Cole about having a body, despite him not seeming to have physical needs:

Dorian: Do you need to eat, Cole? Or sleep? Cole: I thought I had to. But I don't. The Old Songs can pull me.

Or Blackwall suggesting that now that Cole is more human (if you take that path) the physical needs will likely come up:

Blackwall: So now that you've dealt with the templar, you're a real boy? Cole: Realer. Blackwall: Good enough. I suppose you'll stop looking into people's heads soon? And you might want to look into, I don't know, eating. Cole: Blech.

Often I think Solas struggles with where he stands, what he is, what he can be, what he should be as someone whom was first a spirit and then a person with a physical body. Short of dying, it sounds as though the process of going from spirit to elf is irreversible. He cannot return to the Fade as a pure spirit anymore. After the Veil, he can only return in dreams, at least until he finds ways of tearing through to the Veil to enter physically again.

But time and again he thinks and acts like a spirit with a simpler, focused nature rather than a complicated nature like a person might have. When he asks, Am I too simple? it feels like he’s acknowledging this. Is he too simple, too focused, too spirit to understand the experience of being fully, complexly mortal or physical?

The Caretaker’s presence is both comforting, because Solas knows that his (or others’) needs will likely be tended to, and yet disconcerting because it’s probably weird to even have those needs.

Ah but here we come to my favorite part.

The prospect that our heart's desire and our truest need could differ—or are even at odds—is hard to contemplate.

I’m sure this is hard to contemplate even for a normal person. How often do we struggle with knowing what we want isn’t always what we need? We may want the sugary cake, for example, but our bodies may need the healthier vegetables or fruits instead.

But going deeper, it’s easy to conflate needs and wants when it comes to abstract things. Like, say, vengeance, penance, atonement, or restoration.

Solas wants to repair the mistake he made thousands of years ago by creating the Veil, but he doesn’t need to do that. Yet in his mind, he treats it like a need, with roots so deep he can’t escape being bound up in them.

He wants to honor Mythal, who died because of his mistakes, who died again at his hand, but he doesn’t see that he can let go of that purpose, because somehow this want isn’t fleeting or fading like wants normally do. It sticks around. Therefore it must be more than want, right?

His heart’s desire is for the elven people to be restored, immortal, free, prosperous, and he throws his entire being into making that goal come true, that dream a reality. But he doesn’t see that his truest need is actually to be freed himself. Free from the purpose he’s given himself in the wake of Mythal’s death. Free from a path of vengeance that no one asked him to take, but that he feels obligated to walk.

His truest need, which he can’t see, because he can’t seem to sort through what is more want versus what is more need (and who can really, when they’re in the thick of things?), is not to cling closer to Mythal and honor his friend (or whatever it is they were), but to be freed from any and all entanglements with her.

He doesn’t want to let her go, but he needs to.

But without her around to release him, he clings to his plans to restore the elven people, restore her people, and hope that that will be atonement enough.

I think that’s why in the redemption ending, when we do see Mythal release Solas, he nearly collapses with this mixture of grief and relief. When he finally straightens up again, yes he’s hurting, but he’s the calmest he’s ever been in the entire game. As in, not tense, not plotting, not agitated. You get the sense that he can see or think with clarity now. Perhaps even breathe freely for the first time in ages.

And he finally sees that what he needs to do is not fix his mistakes, if doing so only causes more chaos and heartache and death for thousands or millions around him, but to seek atonement.

I love the line Rook can say when they’re trying to talk him down and make him bind himself to the Veil.

“[Making the Veil collapse] is what you want. Making amends isn’t about what you want.”

It doesn’t convince Solas, because he still doesn’t see removing the Veil as a want. He views it as a need. Not his need, but the world’s need. The world needs to be restored to the way Mythal would have wanted it, or so he believes.

I think that’s why Mythal has to release him before he can see everything clearly. She is the only one who can give him what he needs but does not what—freedom from her service.

It may not be everyone’s favorite choice, but I understand how we get here, especially since we find this letter so early in the game. Whether this letter is Solas from the distant past or the more recent past, it sets up a trajectory that we can trace all the way to the end of the game. And I just find that fascinating.

#idk if any of this is making sense #but i just find this note so WEIRD #dragon age #dragon age the veilguard #datv #datv spoilers #dragon age spoilers #solas

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zeondraws · 3 days ago

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Did some stuff today, first thing was fixing that Roper model I made in this UE thingy.

I ended up taking screenshots of him doing dumb expression and I could not stop giggling, just... look at them

heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp

Me when I am about to punch Rennick in the face after he tells me "no" (I can't stop giggling, look at his face)

Roper has went insane.

I accidentally made him do this pose, I.... I can't take Roper serious anymore I'm.. I'm gonna banish him into the pontoons. Roper STOOOOOO-

I think the ears aren't perfect but other than that.. His head looks almost identical to the concept one. But how do I make this Roper look like ingame Roper- But I firstly have to figure out how to convert the file you can export. Oh jeez...

I'll try to focus some more on other characters soon, since some folk were curious about Brodie and Raffs. It just gets increasingly confusing the more info or tiny details I discover

I am still trying to puzzle Roper's lore. Something new I understood, while you are in MC one of his audio files shows he's muttering Rennicks name, you can barely understand it. But he's saying something like "Rnnick/Rennck" Or in the deleted MC audio you hear him in the backround uttering Rennick names a ton of times, while once saying "enough.... Rennicke" I'm not sure what this points towards.

After the helicopter crashes the roof of MC gets damaged, but that's the only visible damage. But Roper is such a mess in there. But if mutated Rennick would go in this room it would look worse. So he probably wasn't in there? Yet? Nothing else inside this room hints at anything.

Ok this thought just popped up as I am typing this, say the helicopter crashes and hits MC, this is where everything inside the room shakes.. We see chairs fell down and some stuff is not in place. The chair Roper was sitting in is also tilted.... say, the moment the helicopter hits MC, Roper looses balance on his chair and mutates...? I mean I have no other explanation for this? You can't hear his voice at aaaall while you get chased by infected Rennick. I hear other voices in the audio files of Admin, but not Roper.

It must be one reason he wasn't at the helictopter, maybe he felt unwell and didn't stop Rennick. Perhaps he tried to tell Rennick that his behaviour is unacceptable, hence why saying "Enough Rennick"

SURELY he got something on himself when the explosion happened, I have no other explanation what happened. He keeps babbling Rennick's name, as if he's stuck in something.

Also look what I finally figured out

I have the metahuman inside UE5 now hueheuheuheuheuehuehueheuheuheuehuehuehuehueheuheuehuehuehueheuheuehuehueheuheuheuehuehueheuheuheuehuehueheuheuheuehuehueheuheu *keyboard smashing*

I could animate him.... I can finally try to learn animation through my obsession *explodes in joy*

How to export him into blender is another challenge, but for now this is good enough! I can work with this. This could also help me with Rennick but I'll see about that in January! I'm frigtened to start modding dear god

Ok, enough of my rambling, I should really pack my stuff, I'm heading to my friend tomorrow for christmas, I have done nothing but swtd shenanigans

Maybe I'll tag this too, is a big discovery

#still wakes the deep #swtd #roper swtd #I am going BANANAS as we speak

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sleepyparalysisdmon · 2 days ago

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Orbit - Act Three

Y/N has a little problem and it’s that she’s literally never alone. She hasn’t known what a little peace and quiet is for nearly a decade. When her therapist suggests a wellness retreat, she expects to be bored to death and just maybe learn to like meditation a little bit. She does not expect to meet someone that she has an insane connection with. Too bad it might be too good to be true.

You can find the masterlist here.

Genre: medium au, a hint of soulmate au, heavy on the angst

Pairing: Minghao x reader (featuring therapist!Jeonghan, best friend!Junhui, and ghost!Vernon, with a tiny bit of coworker!Seungkwan)

TW/CW: *deep breath* a lot of discussion of death and moving on (or not) afterwards, grief, trauma (specifically regarding a car accident), therapy, meditation, hypnosis, sleep disturbances, psychic abilities, discussion of mental illness and treatments, and explicit smut. MDNI.

There are some difficult topics in this story and they are handled as delicately as possible, but proceed with caution if anything here might be upsetting.

Word count: 8.4k

Minghao watches the snow fall outside. He’s physically relaxed, lost in thought. It kind of feels like how he drifts in his sleep, but he’s awake. He’s just… not with it today. This time of year bothers him. He’s far away from family and won’t be able to visit this year, meaning he’s left with his thoughts.

“Minghao?” He snaps back into his body, looking at Jeonghan, who looks patient but a little concerned. His notebook is already on the table. “You look a little lost today.”

“Sorry,” Minghao clears his throat. “What were you saying?”

“I was asking how things are going with that woman. Y/N, wasn’t it?”

His heart races and it’s both a good and bad thing. It’s now been a couple months since he started dating you and he’s still head over heels. You seem to be too. But he’s sort of feels like he’s living a double life lately.

“She’s good. Things are good.”

Jeonghan raises an eyebrow. “Where’s the stupid grin that you normally wear when you talk about her?” Minghao opens his mouth but then thinks better of it and closes it. Jeonghan purses his lips, glancing at his watch. He doesn’t have to remind Minghao that he’s shut down early. He just knows. “Trouble in paradise?”

“No!” Jeonghan’s eyebrows shoot up at Minghao’s knee-jerk reaction. Minghao tries to recover, if only a little. “I mean, it’s fine. Great, even.”

“But?” Jeonghan trails off. When Minghao doesn’t respond, Jeonghan uses his tried and true tactic. He tells you how you feel and he wants you to correct him. “It’s hard to let someone in, right? You seem like the type that might find it difficult.”

“I’m gonna throw more than a pillow at you.”

Jeonghan shrugs like he’s heard worse threats. “Am I wrong?”

“Yes,” Minghao insists hotly. “It’s not hard to let her in on 99% of things. It’s actually very easy.”

Jeonghan gives him an irritatingly easy smile. “Right. Soulmates and all.” Minghao’s fingers grip the pillow in his lap at the way he says ‘soulmates’ like it’s entertainment. It’s not entertainment to Minghao. It’s soul-crushing in the best way possible. “Tell me, what could you possibly not tell your soulmate of all people? What’s in that 1%?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe the astral projection. She’ll probably look at me like I’m crazy,” Minghao avoids.

Jeonghan looks highly entertained, leaning back and smirking. “What, is she not a believer in that sort of thing?”

“No,” Minghao grates, already growing frustrated with the conversation. “The astral projection itself wouldn’t be a big deal.”

“Then what is?” Jeonghan presses, curiosity evident.

Minghao groans, squeezing his eyes shut. “It would make me sound crazy.”

“Do you realize where you are? That’s what I’m here for,” Jeonghan deadpans.

“Fine,” Minghao huffs impatiently, pressing his fingers into his throbbing temples. He hates thinking about this. “How would I tell her that the first time I met her wasn’t at the retreat?”

Jeonghan tilts his head to the side, looking kind of perplexed. “I’m gonna need more than that.”

Minghao opens his mouth and words just start to fall out. It’s long winded and rambling and probably makes no sense. When Minghao falls silent, Jeonghan is quiet for a long time, a weird expression on his face as he looks outside at the snow. It makes Minghao snort. “Told you it sounds crazy. You’ve thought so since I told you about the wellness retreat.”

Jeonghan shakes his head vehemently. “Oh no. I believe you. Don’t take my silence as doubt.” His smile turns wry. “It’s not exactly what I trained to deal with, you know?” Minghao thinks he looks like he has a million questions, but he starts with, “when did that start?”

Minghao shrugs though he knows exactly how long it’s been, almost right down to the minute. “Ten years ago or so.”

Jeonghan’s interest is piqued. “Was there a catalyst? Or it just happened one day?”

“There was a catalyst. I’d really like to not talk about that.”

Minghao is kind of surprised when Jeonghan backs off. At least from direct questions, anyway. “And what exactly keeps you from telling her any of this? Do you think she would judge?”

Minghao immediately shakes his head. “No. Like I said, she wouldn’t be fazed about the astral projection. She’s got her own things going on. It’s the… other stuff that I’m worried about.”

Jeonghan pins him with a look that is strangely stern for someone who is supposed to be calm and relatively impartial. “So she’s told you her secrets, but you can’t tell her yours? That’s a pretty big double standard, Minghao.”

“It’s not just one piece that I’m worried about,” Minghao bites. “I’m worried about the other ones that fall like dominos when I let her in on one.”

Jeonghan must recognize that he won’t be getting anywhere on that path today, because he chews the inside of his cheek for a second. “Fine. The thing is, if she finds out without you being the one to tell her intentionally, it could upset her. You should think about it.” Minghao feels more sober than he ever has in his life. Jeonghan doesn’t let him linger. “Tell me more about the astral projecting.”

He answers but his mind is on other things.

You’re restless. So restless, in fact, that you feel bad for keeping Minghao up. You’re at his apartment tonight, but there’s very little hope of sleeping, so you leave him in bed and go to the living room, curling up under a blanket and turning on the TV.

This time of year is hard. Historically, your mood hasn’t been great anyway, but it majorly tanks by now every year. Maybe there’s some seasonal depression - or just straight up year round clinical depression, but there’s a heaviness that follows you like a black cloud each year the moment snow hits the ground. After all, it’s just a week before the anniversary of the accident. Jeonghan says that kind of mood shift would be normal for anyone, but you think he was trying to soften the blow right before he tells you he wants you to go back to the psychiatrist, this time for anti-depressants or the like. You have something scheduled but you don’t know if you’ll show up for that.

And your mood had been good. Worlds better than previous years thanks to Minghao’s presence in your life. He gives so much warmth to you that sometimes you feel a little undeserving. You’ve noticed his mood is a little off this time of year too, and he admits it’s because he’s so far from family. You do your best to match his warmth, but you don’t know how well you do at that. But even with him next to you, you could still feel the black cloud hovering over your head and you fear you’re bringing him down too.

You like staying at Minghao’s apartment. It’s peaceful, far more peaceful than your own apartment sometimes. It might be because of how far into the metaphysical stuff he leans. He’s got the incense and oils and crystals, you name it. You wonder if maybe he bought some of them for you, but you haven’t been brave enough to ask. You still don’t have a lot of that stuff in your own apartment, if only because you want to get a handle on this thing without relying on all the tools.

Still, that peace you feel in his apartment means you eventually doze off on the couch to reruns on the TV. You actually dream this time and it feels like reliving what you and Minghao jokingly call your first date - the night drive to look at the stars. That brings a lot of peace too, remembering how you realized you were in love with him that night. You were honest when you told him nothing would ever compare.

You wake up slowly, but your body wakes up even slower. You’re staring at Minghao’s TV as you lay on your side, but you can’t move a muscle. Just like every time you experience sleep paralysis, you feel that slice of fear. But there’s nobody in front of you asking for anything this time. So you will your heart to stop racing. You don’t know how long it will take to come out of this, but all you have to do is wait.

As the panic fades, you realize you’re hearing whispering.

“You’re such an asshole,” one voice snaps.

“And you’re totally innocent here. Right,” another voice bites.

“I don’t understand why you’re hanging on to this secret. It would actually make a difference for you.” You feel your stomach flip because both of these voices sound a little familiar in your hazy mind.

“Then it leads right to your secret, which you’re holding onto with an iron fist. Which is stupid, by the way, in case I didn’t tell you that already.”

“It matters because you’ve been visiting her like this for years! I can’t see the line that goes out the door. You can.”

“And how would she handle that, Vernon? She’d run the opposite direction. It doesn��t matter if I can’t help it because it’s creepy.”

“Creepy to check up on someone that you have a connection with? Do you remember who we’re talking about here? That would be the least of her concerns.”

This voice hisses, intense anger pouring into the sound. “Stop calling it a connection. It was an accident! It has nothing to do with what we’re like now. It’s not why I’m with her.”

“It has everything to do with it, Minghao. Why do you think I’m still here? If you could just get your shit together, maybe I could leave.”

“Will you stop blaming me for that? I take the blame for the accident. I don’t take the blame for keeping you here. That’s on you!”

“And I think she’d like to know that you had something to do with the accident that ruined her life too.”

The moment your body unfreezes, you spring up, breathing jaggedly. Vernon and Minghao are across the room and they both spin to you at the sound. Vernon looks normal to you, but Minghao looks… not quite right, like he’s fuzzy in quality. They both looked panicked. Then you blink and they’re gone.

You bury your face in your hands, the jagged breathing getting worse. You hear the bedroom door fly open and you jump up, brushing past Minghao in the hallway.

“Y/N, please let me explain.”

“No,” you grate out, swiftly changing clothes. You start stuffing your things into your bag with more speed and aggression than necessary, but you can’t wait to get out of here.

“Y/N? I’ll explain everything, please just stop and give me a minute.”

In the middle of stuffing things in your bag, you glare at him over your shoulder, angry tears rolling. “Tell me, how long did you know? Was it the moment you saw me at the retreat and you just casually forgot to mention that you had a hand in ruining my life?”

“It’s not like that!” Minghao cries out. “I wanted to say something but I didn’t know how to.”

“But you didn’t say something. You let me pour my heart out that first night of the retreat without batting an eye.” You laugh humorlessly. “And now I know why! You already knew everything, didn’t you? The accident, my stupid fucking gift, how fucked in the head I’ve been for the last ten years. It’s all looking so clear now. That stupid connection wasn’t even real, was it?”

“It doesn’t matter if I knew anything. I let you come to me.” You can tell he’s building up some anger, but you have almost a decade of it built up to match. “And you know that connection was real. You felt it too. I know you did.”

“You let me come to you and you tried to fix me. Did it make you feel better?” You sneer. “Did it make you feel better to try to undo everything? Did you feel a connection or did you just feel less guilty?”

“You act like you’re the only one that was hurt in that accident. I lost Vernon in that accident. And I haven’t had a normal fucking night of sleep since then.”

“And you had every opportunity to open up about it and bond with me over that, and you didn’t. You let me feel like a freak that needed all the help in the world from you when we could have been commiserating instead.” He doesn’t have anything to say about that, a blend of anger and devastation on his face when he looks at you from across the room. You wipe your face angrily. “I should have known all of this was too good to be true. I find someone that finally brings me some peace and I should have known that there was a reason behind it.”

You hike your bag up over your shoulder and brush past him out of his bedroom. He’s tugging you back by the arm and you want to curse, and scream, and maybe even hit him. But he lets go when you stop and glare up at him. “If you want to leave, fine. But let me drive you home. It’s the middle of the night.”

You let him get dressed and you lead the way out to his car. He drives to your apartment, glancing at you every now and then, not that you give him a single side eye. The silence is deafening in the car, nothing like the usual comfortable silence, and he’s barely put it in park when you’re flying out of your seat and slamming the car door behind you.

You feel kind of numb by the time you get into your apartment and lock the door behind you. There will be no going back to sleep tonight. You think about watching TV, but you were doing that earlier before you heard that little secret. You think about sitting outside on your balcony, but you and Minghao have done that too many times. So you go to your bathroom and run a hot bath. You stay in it until it’s ice cold and you need a warm shower to stop shaking.

You hate this time of year, yes. But this year is the worst you’ve ever felt.

You call out of work for the week, saying that you think you have the flu. It’s a believable story, because something like that has been going around the office. And you might as well have the flu because you stay in bed and go through boxes upon boxes of tissues. In fact, that’s what gets Junhui to come over.

He calls one afternoon to check in and can tell by the sound of your voice that something is wrong. He’s been around for more than a decade, so he knows what you’re like this time of year. But he treads extra lightly this time, asking if you need anything. You simply say, “tissues”.

When he gets there with your tissues amongst other things, he must realize that it’s much worse than normal and you feel bad that he’s sort of tiptoeing around you. But you’ve had a steady stream of tears for days and must look like a mess and there’s no covering it up. Jun simply gives you a hug, demands that you finish an entire glass of water in front of him, and sends you off for a shower.

When you come out, he hands you another glass of water and a bowl of stew. It takes you forever to eat because you can’t remember the last time you had anything and you kind of forgot how all of it works. He doesn’t look offended when you don’t finish it, simply packing away the leftovers for later.

The thing about Junhui is that he doesn’t really ask questions. He just lets you be. It’s nice, really, something that you’ve always appreciated about him. You recognize that you’re the demanding one in this friendship, the one that constantly needs the help and support. And you can’t swallow the guilt anymore that you’ve paid him back for all of that patience and support by keeping secrets.

You’ve tried not to think about your conversation with Minghao the night you rushed out of his apartment, but you’d very quickly realized how much of a hypocrite you were for criticizing him for keeping a secret. It’s not like you’d been open to him about everything. And he was a special case compared to others. Outside of Jeonghan, no one in your life knows what you really deal with. It’s not even about getting help or understanding from Junhui now. It’s that he’s been by your side this whole, unflinchingly helping you without really knowing what he’s dealing with and that’s unfair of you.

So you sniffle and look at him from the other end of the couch. “Junhui, I need to tell you something.”

He nods. “Okay. What is it?” He’s always had an abundance of patience and it makes your heart hurt.

So you tell him everything. It comes out more like word vomit, totally random and absolutely not in chronological order of any sort. You tell him about your abilities, and the sleep paralysis, and meeting Minghao, and Vernon, and how they’re both apparently connected to the accident, and how they both kept that a secret from you.

When you run out of words, Jun just takes a deep breath and nods, opening his arms for you to crawl into. You and Jun aren’t the touchiest of people together, but the offer of comfort brings more tears so you lean into his side and let him wrap his arms around you. “You must think I’m crazy,” you mumble against his shirt that’s quickly becoming damp.

“No, I don’t. I always had a feeling there was something else you were dealing with, but I didn’t want to press.” He lays his head onto of ours, both of you staring ahead at the TV. “It kind of puts all the puzzle pieces together, honestly. Sometimes, you check out and it takes a long time for you to come back. It… makes some sense now. So no, you’re not crazy.”

You sigh, burrowing deeper into his chest. He tugs the blanket up, kind of cocooning you. “Thank you, but I still don’t know what to do with any of it.”

Jun thinks for a while, before finally saying, “Maybe you don’t do anything with your abilities. At least not right now. Just let it be.” He hesitates and you kind of stop breathing for fear of what he might say. “But maybe you shouldn’t let this thing with Minghao and Vernon sit.” He must feel how you tense against him and he rubs a hand up and down your arm comfortingly. “Think of it as closure, maybe. I’m not saying fix things with Minghao and get back together if you don’t want that. But, this situation seems to weigh on all three of you. Maybe it would help all of you to just clear the air and then see where you’re at.”

You don’t say anything because you don’t know if you could approach Minghao and you don’t think he’ll approach you. Not with the way you both left things the other night. And you don’t know if you’ll see Vernon again. He was always the one to seek you out and you don’t know how to seek him out even if you wanted to.

The rest of the night passes quietly and Junhui stays when you ask. You don’t want to be alone right now. You laugh when you realize that, because that’s all you’d ever wanted for the last ten years.

Jeonghan calls you the morning of your next appointment and cancels. Actually, he fires you. You were silent, kind of stunned by the words, ‘I can’t treat you anymore’.

But, to your surprise, he follows it up with a request to meet for coffee the next morning, which is a Saturday. You’re perplexed by the offer and even try to bring a little levity to it. “Jeonghan, are you asking me out?”

He had snorted into the phone. “No, Y/N. I can’t be your therapist anymore. But I can be your friend. That relationship has fewer limitations.”

You don’t know what that means, but you do your best to clean yourself up and meet him at the coffee shop. Jeonghan is already there in a corner booth when you arrive and he offers to get the coffee for both of you. When he comes back with it, he gives you the same wry smile that you would normally see in therapy. “So, I hear things have been rough lately.”

Your mind stalls out. Your appointments have been solely focused on your abilities. You don’t think you’ve even mentioned Minghao, and certainly haven’t had the opportunity to tell him about the blow up the other day.

“How did you know that?” You whisper, fingers gripping the cardboard cup.

He looks a little sheepish, or awkward, or uncomfortable. You aren’t quite sure. But he squirms in his seat the same way he’s called you out for thousands of times. “I have a confession to make and it will skirt around a lot of guidelines I’m supposed to follow.” You blink at him, fearing the worst. He sucks in a deep breath and then sighs. “I happen to know who you’ve been dating because he’s told me about it.”

Your brain freezes and your eyebrows pinch together because you’re totally confused. “You… know him? You treat him?”

He squirms again. “I can neither confirm or deny that, but… yes, I do know him. And I happen to know that you guys are on the outs right now.”

You lean back, arms crossed over your chest, pressing your lips together tightly. “Is that why you fired me? Because you… know both of us.” You watch your words, understanding now what he meant about skirting around guidelines. He can’t tell you if he treats Minghao.

“I fired you because I can’t help either of you without being able to admit that I know what the other side is going through. That’s actually been a difficult thing over the past few months, honestly. Not letting on to either of you. I’ve been playing dumb a lot and it’s driving me nuts.”

You don’t know what to do with this, really. You’d never considered that Jeonghan knew more about your life than what you talked about in therapy. “And what can you tell me now that you’re no longer treating me?”

He purses his lips, thinking for a minute, probably trying to filter his words to not get himself in trouble. “Naturally, anything mentioned in my office is off limits. But we can talk about what was said outside of my office. If you want to hear it, that is.”

You’re undeniably curious. Minghao might have kept secrets from you, but you wonder how direct he’d been with Jeonghan. “Did he tell you about the accident?”

Jeonghan picks at his coffee cup. “Eventually. Not that he needed to.” You give him a perplexed look. He sighs, digging into his bag and pulling out a manila folder. “I got curious after our first attempt at hypnosis when you gave a description of the other car, so I requested a copy of the police report. I was trying to validate the information you gave, but I discovered something else.”

He slides the folder to you and you don’t touch it right away, like it might burn you if you do. Jeonghan sips his coffee, waiting for you to work up the courage. When you finally do, flipping the folder open, the first page has your name at the top. And Minghao’s. And a Chwe Hansol. You wonder if that’s Vernon’s name. You’d never thought to ask, always assuming Vernon was it.

The words kind of blur for you, which frustrates you because you’d kind of hoped you were out of tears by now. But you can see the important things. No one was determined to be at fault for the accident, citing bad weather and slick roads. There was no indication that either driver was driving recklessly. It could have happened to anyone. There’s a description of the damage, with the phrase ‘images attached’, but when you go to flip the page, Jeonghan reaches out and stops you. “Maybe look at the rest later. You can take the folder.”

You close the folder slowly, placing your hands flat over top of it, kind of at a loss for words. Jeonghan gives you a long time, more than he ever has in therapy, probably because the clock isn’t ticking and your bill isn’t running up the longer you take to pull yourself together. When he gets the sense that you’re almost there, he speaks up again.

“I’ll ask you the same thing I asked him. How are you feeling with all of this?”

“Hurt. A little naive. Guilty.”

“Guilty?” Jeonghan asks with a hint of shock. “What for?”

You rub your forehead because it’s starting to throb from all of this. “I may have reamed him out about keeping secrets when I was keeping my own.”

“And what were you keeping from him?”

You laugh humorlessly behind your hand. “It would make me sound crazy.”

“Y/N,” Jeonghan huffs. “How many times do I have to tell you I won’t think that?”

“I know, I know,” you wave off. “You find the term unethical or whatever. But it will sound crazy.” You lean back again, assuming your typical defensive position. “You know we met at the retreat?” Jeonghan nods. “Well, I had a hard time with yoga at one of the sessions. I was trying to sort through everything in my head and I must have missed when the instructor called the end of the session. Minghao touched me to check on me and everything went silent. Not a single voice except my own. It happens every time he touches me.” Jeonghan’s giving you a look that makes you have to look away. “Told you it’s crazy.”

“That’s,” Jeonghan pauses, laughing in a short burst, “actually the least crazy thing about all of this. It actually makes a lot of sense.”

You give him an incredulous look. “Jeonghan, you’re sounding crazy now. Do you have a therapist?”

He’s still chuckling to himself. “I can’t believe I didn’t think about that.” You call his name, losing patience. He shakes his head. “In psychology, there are terms such as shared trauma or collective trauma. Neither of them quite fit, but what you’re experiencing might be related. You guys bonded over this accident, whether you realized it or not. It seems like it was more of an unconscious thing. And… some strange things came out of it. Those strange things aren’t all that strange, actually. People report all the time that a guardian angel saved them in situations like that. In terms of consciousness, the accident connected you. Not just you and Minghao, but Vernon too.”

There’s so much to digest there, but you find yourself saying, “You know about Vernon?”

Jeonghan nods. “Not from you, of course. You didn’t tell me you had a regular visitor.”

You feel the overwhelm creeping up on you, so you bury your face in your hands, feeling so exasperated. “What do I do with all of this, Jeonghan?”

“You go talk to Minghao, and maybe Vernon when you’re ready to clear the air.”

The level of exhaustion that you feel when you pull your hands away from your face is massive. “I don’t know if either of them want to see me.”

“They do,” Jeonghan says simply without a hint of doubt. “But you should take your time and be ready for it. They’ll wait.” You don’t have anything to say, so Jeonghan nudges your coffee to you. “Finish your coffee. I just lost some income, don’t let me waste any of it.”

“I will throw this coffee at you.”

“Go ahead. It’s cold anyway.”

Minghao hears the ding of the bell at the shop door and glances up, before looking back down at his book without a word. He’s been doing it all morning. He’s not in the mood to work, but he can’t exactly afford not to open up the shop today. He’s frankly not in the mood for anything.

Least of all, the fact that no one is at the door.

It freaked him out the first couple times earlier this week because, despite his little gift when it comes to dreaming, he hadn’t experienced anything paranormal while awake before. He’d never been opposed to it or held any disbelief for it, but he’d never seen it with his own eyes in the daylight. But the bell at the door kept ringing like it was opening. Sometimes, the door would even clap shut like it had been opened an inch or two and then closed again. But sometimes the door stayed firmly shut and the bell still went off. He’d thought about disengaging it, but he was kind of afraid that he’d miss someone actually coming in.

The bell dings again and he peers up over his book to see the shelf next to the door shaking a little. Not enough to tip over, but it made him squeeze his eyes shut. He’d been going through the soil like crazy this week, because pots had mysteriously been knocked over throughout the shop constantly. He’d had to repot at least a dozen things and sweep up the mess, only for it to happen again on the other side of the store an hour later. He’d refused to truly acknowledge both the door bell and the pots being knocked over.

The day creeps by. A flower shop just doesn’t get as much business during the winter, outside of some poinsettias or an order of red roses or the like for a funeral. It’s not the time of year for anything brightly colored and Minghao himself has a hard time looking at some of them right now, no matter how much he loves them the rest of the year.

He would normally close up shop a little early to go see Jeonghan today, but his calendar is clear so he stays until 6pm, cleaning up yet another fallen pot before leaving. At home, he makes dinner and goes about a quiet night. But things move then too. The salt shaker tips over in front of him and he rights it, sweeping up the grains into his palm. The microwave goes off like something is inside it, but nothing is. The faucet turns on by itself and he shuts it off at least four times while he cooks.

His bowl of food scooting away as he tries to get a bite is kind of the final straw. He drops the chopsticks and sighs. “Vernon, stop it.” The bowl jerks again and Minghao kind of resigns himself to having to clean that up too when it crashes to the floor any minute now.

He’d been avoiding sleeping. It was far from a healthy decision, but that was how he saw Vernon and he was avoiding him, still upset about the last conversation they had. Sleeping also meant seeing you, and he didn’t want to risk you seeing him again when you weren’t ready. He was following his rule of letting you come to him, even it was eating him alive.

The TV turns on behind him, volume shooting to full blast. Minghao rubs his forehead. “Fine!” He yells. The volume is lowers. “I’ll go to sleep.” The TV clicks off behind him.

It’s early, but Minghao cleans up from dinner and gets ready for bed. He’s usually meticulous about his bed, making it every morning and putting fresh sheets on it every week. He should have done that yesterday, but he didn’t because the sheets still smell like you and he’s feeling particularly weak about it. So he crawls into bed in crumpled sheets, pulling the bunched blanket over himself.

He drifts off fast and knows where he is right away. He’s outside of your room and there’s a line out of the door. You must be asleep. Vernon is at the end of the hall and watches carefully when Minghao maneuvers between people to get to him. “Busy?”

Minghao glances behind him. “Yeah, just like it always is.”

Vernon gives him a hard look. “You know, avoiding me means you’re letting her suffer, right? I can’t wake her up if you don’t tell me when it gets bad.” Minghao doesn’t know what to say as his jaw ticks. Vernon sighs. “I take it you guys aren’t talking.”

“No,” Minghao says. “You know my rule. I’m letting her come to me.”

“That’s a stupid fucking rule and it always has been, particularly after you met her in real life,” Vernon says sharply.

“Yeah, because saying, ‘you don’t need to introduce yourself because I’ve been checking up on you every night in my dreams’ is super comforting,” Minghao bites sarcastically, tone equally sharp.

“It might have been, but we’ll never know now, will we?” Vernon’s jaw is tight. He’s been bleeding frustration since the first night Minghao stayed over at your apartment. “It’s up to you guys to fix this. I can’t do anything except watch you guys, particularly you, run from this. It will have been ten years tomorrow and I’m tired, Minghao.”

Minghao feels grief-stricken every time Vernon implies that he’s stuck. It’s been a comfort to know that he’s still right there. It occurs to him that maybe he’s been selfish, clinging onto the idea that he’s not really gone. But he’s lost on how to fix it.

A sharp voice comes from your room and Minghao spins. Some people give him looks as he brushes past them, but he’s learned to ignore it. There’s a woman leaning over you, hands on your shoulders, shaking you. Some are so desperate to find some peace that they become demanding and threatening. Besides a pinch in your eyebrows, you’re still asleep, unaware of this. Minghao found years ago that he couldn’t do anything himself. Couldn’t touch you to wake you up, couldn’t pull the demanding person away. But Vernon could, so he turns to him.

Vernon gives him a hard look again. “If you don’t want her to see you, you should leave.”

He follows instructions, stepping out into the hallway. He knows when Vernon’s woken you up because the hallway clears, the crowd leaving looking dejected. You can’t (or won’t) help them when you’re awake, so they’ve long given up trying.

Minghao can hear that you’re angry when the crowd clears. He makes himself comfortable, sitting down in your hallway. “Why are you here?” You ask sharply.

“You can be mad all you want, but I’m not going to let them drain you,” Vernon says stubbornly.

“They’ve been draining me all week,” you snap, bed squeaking like you’re sitting up in bed.

“I’ve been busy,” Vernon evades.

“Vernon, I don’t want to be made a fool anymore, so please stop dancing around the topic,” you practically beg.

Vernon is silent for a long time. “So you want to talk about it?” His words lack most of the heat from earlier.

“You’ve been visiting me for nearly a decade and you never told me why. I think we’re long overdue to talk about it.”

Your desk chair squeaks and Minghao assumes that Vernon has sat down. It feels like he’s encroaching on a private conversation, like he’s done far too many times when it comes to you in this particular situation. So he wills himself to wake up.

When he’s back in his own body, he doesn’t think twice of gathering a blanket and going out to his balcony. It doesn’t matter that it’s snowing and freezing. He’s skipping out on sleep again, if only to give you some privacy for once.

It’s actually very easy to find what you need.

It takes what feels like a year to shower and get dressed, mostly because you’re not ready for today. You linger under the hot water and you change your clothes a few times when you’ve never really done that before. You usually take a quick five minute shower and throw on whatever is closest. Maybe you care more about what you look like. Or maybe you’re just trying to delay the inevitable for a little while longer.

The subway is busy. Not with the living, naturally. But there are a lot of wanderers out today. It’s obvious that’s what they are. They walk through things and don’t have coats for the blistering weather. Some of them have evidence of their death, some gruesome, some not. You spend far more time looking at them today, risking being caught.

You get off at your stop and start walking. The gates are open when you arrive and you pull out the map. This is what was easy to find. You make your way to the spot you’ve marked, trudging through the snow.

You aren’t really surprised to see Minghao at the gravesite when you arrive. Vernon said that Minghao visits it every year, sometimes for hours on end, rain or shine, snow or sleet. Doesn’t matter.

What does surprise you is that he’s sipping from a bottle of brown liquor that’s half gone. It takes many long moments to steel yourself before you approach. He glances up when your shadow casts over him. “Mind if I join?”

“Go ahead,” he says, taking another sip. When you’re seated, he offers you the bottle. You take it without a second thought and sip from it as well. It burns your throat and whatever face you make must be funny, because he chuckles when you hand it back. “Not much of a drinker?”

“No,” you cough a little. “I didn’t really take you to be one either, especially in broad daylight in a cemetery.”

“The groundskeeper never says anything about it. They must see a lot of that here,” Minghao says. He’s probably right. Silence takes over and it’s so much quieter than normal because of the snow. It’s almost eerie, especially when you can see others creeping around. You make a point to not come to cemeteries because, much like funeral homes, they’re busy places for someone like you. But you’re kind of surprised that there’s kind of a hush in your head here, like it would be rude for the ghosts to be loud.

Like you told Vernon last night, this conversation was long overdue. But, much like your conversation with Vernon, it was hard to figure out where to start.

Minghao must not expect you to start with, “I’m sorry”, though. His head snaps to you, eyes wide. You can’t look at him long.

“What could you possibly be sorry for?”

You reach your hand out for the bottle again and he hands it to you. You sip and cringe at the taste before handing it back. “I may not be happy that either of you kept secrets like that, but I kept my own secret. It was hypocritical of me to lose it on you like that.”

“It couldn’t compare to the secrets we were keeping, surely,” Minghao shakes his head.

“I don’t know.” You give him a hesitant smile, trying to soften the tension between you two. “Card on the table? For both of us?”

He doesn’t smile back, anxiety clear across his face. He swallows thickly and begins.

He was an exchange student at the time and his host family was Vernon’s family. He and Vernon became close, separated in age by only a few months or so. One night, Minghao was driving them home and the roads were bad. He lost traction and ended up in a ditch, along with another car. Your car. He was awake but groggy, immediately checking on Vernon. Vernon was responsive and insisted he was okay, all but demanding that Minghao go check the person in the other vehicle.

Your window had been smashed in, the door crumbled next to you. He’d reached through the broken window to shake your shoulder and see if you’d wake up, but when his hand landed on your shoulder, something happened and the lights went out for him.

He woke up in the hospital bed the next day to the bad news. But that didn’t make sense to him because not long after that conversation, they’d given him another dose of morphine and he’d drifted off to sleep again. And Vernon was right there.

So over the months following the accident, Minghao loved to sleep. He’d sleep for more than twelve hours at time, angry about waking up when he did. Everyone let him, thinking he needed the rest, not realizing that rest had nothing to do with it. He’d drift off and end up wherever Vernon was, and that often times was with you.

He knew it was you. Knew what you looked like from the accident. In time, Vernon put the pieces together too. Knew that you had something special about you and it was draining you.

And then he’d met you at the retreat, totally blindsided by seeing you in real life again. Totally blindsided by the immediate connection. He had a lot of fear that it was only because of the accident and his almost nightly visits to check on you. But by the end of the retreat, he was sure that wasn’t it. At least not entirely.

When he runs out of words, he rubs his face. “God, this sounds like a bad movie.”

You glance around the cemetery. A lot of the information isn’t a surprise because Vernon had filled in some of the gaps last night. But there’s still some shock. It makes you laugh and the feeling in your chest seems entirely inappropriate. “You could say that. I mean, I’m seeing ghosts right now. It is a bad movie.”

Minghao looks at you for the first time since starting to explain anything. His gaze is a little watery, eyes unfocused. “I’m sorry,” he mumbles. “I should have just told you. But there was no way for me to tell you that without you running the other way. Which would have been fair. It would be fair now too.”

You chuckle again, sounding a little watery too. “You haven’t heard my secret yet.”

Minghao chuckles back, sounding a little hollow. “It can’t compare to the gravity of what I just told you, Y/N. You don’t have to try to make me feel better.”

You purse your lips, looking across the cemetery. You gesture to a particular headstone, a towering monument that surely cost an arm and a leg. “Do you see that large headstone?” He looks over and nods. “There’s a woman sitting next to it. I’m pretty sure she’s passed on.”

Minghao glances back to you, confusion all over his face. “Okay?” It’s not unkind, like he doesn’t want to hear about your gift. He just doesn’t seem to know where you’re going with this. You hold out your hand expectantly and he gives you a blank look.

“Hold my hand for a moment, please.” Your words make the look in his eyes change, turning softer. His hand is freezing when he folds his long fingers around your hand. You can’t help that your mouth twitches up a little at the touch. You look over to the headstone again. “She’s gone.”

The confusion on his face doubles. “What do you mean?”

You readjust your hand, intertwining your fingers with his. “I mean… your touch is like an off button for my little ‘gift’. My head goes quiet and I don’t see anything, at least not nearly as much as I normally would.” He’s staring at you with a a painfully vulnerable expression. “You asked what happened at that yoga session at the retreat, when you touched me. That was it. I resisted it for a while because I didn’t want to depend on it. Didn’t want it to be why I was with you.”

Minghao looks at your joined hands, almost admiring them. “And… that’s not why you were with me?”

“No, it’s not,” you say genuinely. “Was this connection in your dreams why you were with me?”

Minghao shakes his head instantly. “No. Don’t get me wrong, I had a soft spot for you because of it, but that’s not the whole story.”

After a long beat, you slide over in the snow covered grass and Minghao wraps his arms around you right away. “What now?” You ask. Cards on the table doesn’t mean you really know what to do with any of it.

He presses a kiss to your forehead with cold lips. “Let’s go home. We can figure it out later.”

Minghao is working on an order and it’s kind of a weird one. It’s sweet, no doubt. Someone’s done their research. But normally, people will pick a single flower for a bouquet, or maybe even two or three that coordinate well. Not six that don’t coordinate in the least. This is a hodge podge of everything to do with love. Baby’s breath, camellia, carnation, honeysuckle, morning glory, and pink roses. Orders like this make him laugh because it’s really coming on strong.

Not that he blames anyone for that. He’s been known to come on pretty strong sometimes, if only when it comes to you.

It’s the middle of the summer now, a little over six months since fixing things with you. You both kind of agreed to forget about the week that you guys were off, calling it water under the bridge. But things had been distinctly different since fixing things on the anniversary of the accident. No secrets were allowed anymore. You’d seemed like you kind of expected him to hesitate in agreeing to that, but the only secret he’d ever wanted to keep from you was already out. Since then, things had been what you often called soul-bearing. Junhui was disgusted to be around you guys most of the time and Jeonghan even said that he regretted helping you guys fix things sometimes. He recognized that you both laid it on thick sometimes, but it really, genuinely couldn’t be helped even if either of you wanted to.

Motion at the propped open shop door makes him look up and smile. “Good afternoon,” he says lightly.

“Good afternoon,” you greet, smiling and looking around the shop like it’s the first time you’ve been here. You do this from time to time and he thinks it’s cute so he’s helpless to stop it.

“Can I help you find anything?” He plays along, biting back his smile.

“I’m actually here to pick up an order,” you say, approaching the counter to lean on it, propping your head up on your fist.

“Oh?” Minghao continues to stuff flowers into place. “What’s the name for it?”

“Boo Seungkwan,” you say, sly smile spreading across your face.

Minghao stops, picking up the order form he’s working on right now, then raising an eyebrow at you. “Is there something you’d like to tell me?”

“That depends. Is my order ready yet?” You ask cutely, glancing at the bouquet in his hands. He gives you a look, wrapping it up in paper and laying it on the counter, and picking up the order form.

“May I ask who this is for?” Minghao asks, leaning on the counter too, face level with yours.

Your smile is light. Lighter than he thinks it ever has been. “I’ve been seeing this guy. He’s pretty great and I’m very much in love.” Your eyes bounce down to the bouquet. “If you couldn’t tell.”

Minghao thinks you may never stop making his heart race stupidly. “Someone’s been doing their research. I thought I noticed a book missing from my shelf at home.”

You’re smiling though you start to flush, some of your boldness waning. “Guilty. They’re for you. I just wanted to be sneaky about it.” You stand up straight, reaching for your purse.

Minghao reaches out to stop you, grabbing your hand. “Be sneaky all you want. I’m not going to charge you for this one.” He presses a kiss to your hand before letting go. He picks up the bouquet, admiring it. Unlikely as it is, it’s pretty. “I’ll admit, it works in a weird way.”

You shrug at him. “It was less about it working and more about sending a message.”

Minghao puts the flowers down, walking around the counter. His arms wrap around your waist like second nature now as he leans down to press repeated kisses to you - your lips, your cheeks, your eyelids, doesn’t matter. You chuckle, hands flat against his chest. “Message received,” he says simply, pulling away.

“Any plans tonight?” You ask, looking up at him in a way that makes him putty.

“No, I’ll just be wherever you are. If that’s okay,” he tacks on.

You press a kiss to his cheek. “More than okay.” Your phone rings in your bag and you groan. He laughs, letting you go. You’ve taken a new position at work and it means you get a lot more phone calls nowadays. “I guess I better go before someone comes looking for me. I’ll see you tonight?”

“Of course,” he says kissing you one more time before you go.

The afternoon is busy, but he finds some time to put together his own bouquet. It’s equally weird and shouldn’t work. But like you said, it’s more about sending a message than anything. He leaves with that bouquet when he locks up. He hopes that you’ll get the message, just like he got yours.

Bonus: I couldn't fit this in the banner but I laughed until I cried when I came across this.

#minghao #xu minghao #the8 #minghao x reader #xu Minghao x reader #the8 x reader #seventeen #svt #seventeen x reader #svt x reader

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runes-menagerie · 15 hours ago

Text

Sky giggled and shivered a bit when Viktor nuzzled against her breast. She looked down at him in clear amusement. It wasn't the first time they had laid like this but she still found it enjoyable when he decided to use her chest as a pillow. She was a touch suspicious however given what had happened last she she was between them.

"(When we left the lab that day I thought any chance of this happening was gone so I buried those fantasies deep, not wanting you to feel like you weren't enough Viktor. But now that I have you both... well... It's hard not to remember them.)" She commented sheepishly while glancing between them. "(Even if it took us a while to get here. I'm glad we're all together now. And now that I have you, I'm not planning to let either of you go.)"

There was the tiniest hint of a possessive darkness to her words and the subtlest of shifts in her colors for just a moment. There was a chance Viktor might recall a similar feeling from before he merged with the Hexcore. The next instant it was gone however and Sky was giving both her boys sweet kisses before looking at Jayce worriedly.

"(There's plenty to go around in the commune. We can ask someone to bring some food and water for you as soon as you two are back in your bodies. My body will need to be healed before I can use it again but that should be too hard with Viktor's help.)" She said as she turned slightly towards him and reached up to rest a hand on his head. "(We have bathing pools too. After you eat, you can get cleaned up and I can take a look at your leg and any other injuries. I'm sure we have enough supplies that you and Viktor can make some upgrades to your brace as well if it's still needed after the healing.)"

Already she was making lists and plans based on what she knew of his physical state. Her conclusion was that they would have to help him get into a healthier state but fortunately she didn't think he was at the point of no return since he had been able to eat and drink something while in that cave. The question was simply how that had impacted his body. She planned to give him a thorough medical exam as soon as they returned to the physical world.

"(You're with us now Jayce. You're safe and I'll make sure you're taken care of, just like I did before.)" She said with a reassuring smile, clear confidence in her words and expression. "(You're back in my care now. I'll make sure you don't have to worry about pain or hunger again. And if you're ever afraid of something then I'll be right by your side. Just like I am for Viktor.)"

Viktor’s calmness only grew stronger when he was joined by Sky in their snuggles against Jayce. His slim frame moved aside for her to fit between them, where he saw Jayce wrap an arm across her waist and onto his, pulling them both close in a hug. He slipped his hands around her hips, nuzzling his face against her breast before letting out a dreamy little hum. Her admission touched his heart with a shade of adoration, which seeped into his eyes as he gazed up at her from her chest. “(All those years spent in the cold… We shall have to make up for lost time, now that we are finally together, as it should be.)”

Jayce acted as a pillow for Sky’s upper body, with his head nestled in the crook of her shoulder. He was quite tall, so it wasn’t hard to fit her whole body against his, and Viktor’s head was in perfect petting range for his hand. So he laid there, pressed up against Sky and petting Viktor’s hair. It felt right. Perfect. Like Sky said – warm. “(I could stay like this forever. It’s like the outside world doesn’t even exist…)”

“(We are safe here. We have time.)” Viktor assured as he placed his cheek against Sky’s breast, his hand very gently stroking and pressing the skin of her hips. “(I…I had often thought about what I would do, if I could have both of you in my heart… This is like a dream come true.)” He chuckled breathy and soft. “(Ahh… My heart. My dream. I am so happy…)” He smiled against her skin, eyes closed with relaxation.

“(You know, I always wanted to know what this felt like, and you’re right, Sky. It’s perfect,)” Jayce sighed out. He moved to use his other arm as a pillow for Sky’s head, fingers draped over the edge of the mattress. “(I don’t know how I’ll be able to go back to my body after this. No pain, no hunger, no fear…)”

Viktor perked a little, knitting his brow sympathetically. “(Is your body hungry?)”

Jayce shrugged a shoulder with a smirk. “(You two saw my memories. I was living off of cave salamanders for half a year. Not exactly the most robust diet.)”

The smaller framed man frowned, looking to Sky first before his eyes fell back on Jayce. “(Once we return, we should get you fed… There is plenty of fruit and bread to give.)”

#ic #mxchineherald #sky muse #herald hammer assistant #time rewritten thread #S2 content

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alex-supremacy4 · 9 months ago

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open yhe noor. OPEN THE NOO

why should i

#i thank you for sending me this ask with the charlie image .#i can now hint at what i am going to make

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the-judicial-assistants-notebook · 2 years ago

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*KICKS THE DOOR DOWN* WWWAIT FREYA I HAVE MIXED FEELINGS ON FANDOMS VIEW OF THIS SHIP I NEED TO KNOW UR OPINION. HOMUMIKU???

WKSHJSHJDBJHAHAHAH HIIIII, GRACE!!!! ❤️💕💞💝💗💖💘💓💕💞💖💞💘

Homumiko (HUGE spoilers for DGS after the bingo sheet):

I have been waiting to get into this ship properly, because I have THOUGHTS and I need to be forced to get them out coherently.

Let's get into the basic ship itself. Honestly? No comment. I think hmmk cheats a bit by relying on the literal decades people have spent shipping Holmes and Watson together, and I doubt that they would be half as popular without this history; but, as someone who has never had strong feelings about HolmesWatson either way, I don't have that bias! Even if we're just going off of DGS and looking at how they complement and trust each other, and are obviously more comfortable around one another than most other people, I don't really have a strong opinion on them. I do think they're close, but whether that bond is platonic, romantic, sexual or some mix of the two is just not something I particularly care about. You know who I do care about, though?

Susato-san.

OKAY, SIT DOWN, EVERYONE BECAUSE THE SHIP BINGO PART OF THIS IS OVER, AND NOW WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT THE PARTS OF HMMK I DO CARE ABOUT AND WHY THAT ACTUALLY HAS VERY LITTLE TO DO WITH THEM AND EVERYTHING TO DO WITH HER.

Let's get this out of the way first. Based on my very modern sensibilities, I take a rather harsh stance on Mikotoba's parenting.

Do I think he loves his daughter? Sure. But which parts of his daughter? Because it's very easy to love a child who is always obedient, elegant and the literal embodiment of idealised Japanese womanhood without knowing or truly even looking at her. I think Susato made it easy for him to love her, because she believed she had to earn it. Her father left when she was born, consumed by grief over her mother's death -- her mother, whom she killed. I know the game tries to justify this by saying it was Jigoku who dragged him away (and I do think him leaving was good for him, because I doubt he would have been a good father even if he'd stayed due to his grief), but the point is that he still left. For six years. And when he returned, he didn't even return because of her (whether she knew that from the moment she met him or not is debatable, but I think, at least on a subconscious level, she knew. And, of course, it's also debatable whether he could have returned sooner because of his commitment as a transfer student, but the Mikotobas are a powerful family, and, if Soseki could return before his period of learning was fully up, I think he would have been able to pull strings to return home if he wanted to).

This falls under speculation, so I understand not agreeing with it, but I don't think Mikotoba ever properly spoke to Susato when she was a child, especially not about what he did in England. I believe that a part of the reason why Susato started reading the Sherlock Holmes stories to begin with was because they featured a doctor in London, like her father had been, and she wanted to feel closer to him through those stories. And it probably worked! Her father probably did start engaging with her more after after she picked them up, because it was an easy way to connect with her. That's why I believe she was so insistent on the existence of John H. Watson, as a doctor, when she met Iris and learnt the truth.

There's this distance between Susato and her father which glimpse in moments in the game, like how he remarks on her lack of composure in court (suggesting that he isn't used to seeing her yamato nadeshiko mask slip), how he less requests her trust and more orders or expects it forthright, and how he seems reluctant to face the parts of her that inconvenience him (like how he asks her to play the koto when he isn't home and how, when faced by her real anger, he looks to Holmes to explain the situation rather than actually attempt to himself).

HOWEVER, in the setting of the game (Meiji-era Japan), I will concede that Mikotoba is a fantastic father. He may not have been very present in her life growing up, but men largely weren't expected to be. Their jobs were to provide for their children, not nurture them. And Mikotoba went well beyond his duty in that regard. Add to that the fact that he had her properly educated, ensured she knew how to defend herself, and allowed her to pursue her studies overseas at a level that was on par with any man, and you can see that he's really quite a great father; which is why I don't think he sees his absence as a flaw or even notices he was absent. Susato, though, does.

Now, Susato is obviously a product of her time, too, so I believe she'd be insulted if anyone was to suggest that her father or childhood was lacking in some way. That being said, I do believe she is aware of the distance between them in a way he is not. I think her affection for him is founded on a sense of duty and filial piety rather than pure love (although, obviously, she does love him), and, as she grew older, she stopped vying for his affection; hence why she's obsessed with the Great Detective more so than anyone else when we meet her. I also think that this distance contributed to her becoming so attached to Kazuma, in spite of the fact that he kept her at arm's length, too; he may not have allowed her very close, but he was always there, and he saw her for who she truly was. When she leaves at the end of the first game, Susato is not so much anxious that her father is ill as she is shaken -- she seems more upset that she's leaving her Baker Street family rather than that her actual father might be dying, and I think that's because she knows how to live without him. This distance between them, I believe, becomes all the more apparent to her when she goes to London and sees the deep bond held between Iris and Holmes.

And, speaking of, you know who else I think is aware of the distance between them and the part he played in creating that distance? The Great Detective himself, Mr. Sherlock Holmes.

See, I think Holmes has always known about Susato. I'm quite sure that, from the moment they met, he knew that Mikotoba was running away from something and that he had left an infant daughter back home. He just didn't care.

We don't know what Holmes was like when he was younger, but I believe he was a lot closer to how he appears in a lot of modern adaptations and how Watson describes him in some of the Sherlock Holmes stories: the 'cold, calculating computer' character. I don't think it's a stretch to think that Holmes viewed marriage and children as mere distractions and interferences to the mind; and Mikotoba was, presumably, his first real friend. He wasn't going to let something pesky like a baby back home detract from his friend's obviously sterling character and brain! After all, it's a lot easier to ignore this nebulous, abstract entity when you simply consider its existence, and thus its abandonment, unimportant. It's a lot easier when you don't know what it's like to be a father yourself. It's a lot easier when you don't know her.

Here's the thing: I believe Holmes's image of and relation to Mikotoba began changing from the time he started raising Iris. Suddenly, that inconsequential baby seemed to bear quite a bit of consequence, actually. But it was still all right to keep dismissing her, because maybe Mikotoba's baby wasn't special the way Iris was. Maybe she was a brat or an idiot, and really not worth much time at all! Maybe she could've lived without him and been perfectly fine, regardless...? As time went on, I believe the excuses he made for Mikotoba's decision all those years ago became increasingly flimsy, but he was still able to hold onto them because The Daughter was still an indistinct figure in his mind. She wasn't quite real.

That is, until he met her.

In the game, Holmes tends to keep a certain width between himself and Susato. He very rarely initiates conversation with her the way he does Ryuunosuke, and from a Doylist (ha) perspective, this is obviously because Ryuunosuke is... the main character. Looking at it from a narrative perspective, though, I think he was afraid of hurting more than he already has and must.

Holmes is a very resolute man. He sticks by his decisions regardless of what anyone else thinks, so I don't think he ever regretted what he did. However, I do think he felt guilty. Certainly, he didn't quite take her father away from her, but he did play a role in keeping him from her for so long. I think there was a part of him that consciously guided Mikotoba away from thinking about Japan while they lived together, because, well... he didn't want him to leave.

There's an interesting layer to the separation that Holmes creates with Susato, because, beyond the distance he maintains between her and himself, he also keeps her identity separate from her father's. Contrary to how he refers to Ryuunosuke by his last name, Holmes only ever calls Susato "Miss Susato" or "my dear (madame)", and never "Miss Mikotoba". I view this is his way of, perhaps subconsciously, dividing from that little girl he once decided did not matter. And it's interesting because, to an extent, he tries to do with her and Kazuma, too.

In the SS Burya case, despite meeting Susato first and seeing how affected she is by Kazuma's "death", Holmes largely ignores her in favour of focusing on Ryuunosuke and his bond with Kazuma. He calls Kazuma Ryuunosuke's "dear companion" and pretty much only interacts with Susato when he has little other choice... until he sees her cry.

See, I believe that when Holmes found out Susato was going to England and was about to be wrapped up in the whole messy affair, he was fully committed to Not Giving a Damn about Her. Sure, he would let her and Kazuma live with him, but by no means was he going to allow himself to grow attached to her because, again, he values his relationship and history with Mikotoba too much for it to get complicated in this way. Susato's relative composure throughout the case helps him hold on to this resolution; however, when he catches that final conversation between her and Ryuunosuke in the cabin, he is finally forced to see and acknowledge the amount of pain she is truly in. It forces him to at last face the fact that he can't avoid or fake aloofness around her any longer, because she is not some nebulous, distant entity he can continue to ignore. She is an actual girl with a fiercely strong spirit, a brilliant mind and real, human emotions. A girl whom he's hurt twice-over now and must continue hurting until all his lies finally come to light.

When he makes that decision to enter the cabin and console her the only way he knows how, he throws away any hope he had of feeling anything but apathy towards her. In truth, he probably didn't have much hope of that to begin with, because at his core, Sherlock Holmes is a good man, and he cares.

He cares for her, too, even though he may have no right to. How could he not, when she loves him so openly, trusts him so readily, saves his life? How could he not, when she comes to him in the middle of the night with a secret she can't tell anyone else because his judgement is the only one she wholly trusts and believes in? How could he not, when she refuses to accept he lied despite the living, breathing evidence he did until he admits it himself? How could he not, when after everything he has done, she still looks at him the way she always has and says that she's proud that her father is the assistant of "the Great Detective"?

How could anyone not? How could Mikotoba not... love her the second he laid eyes on her?

And of course this doesn't shatter his love for Mikotoba -- he has no right to these feelings in the first place: no matter how indignant or guilty he may feel, it doesn't change the fact that he has been lying to and manipulating her the entire time they've known one another. He can't even bring himself to tell her that he's been lying; he has to go through Ryuunosuke instead, because, even after all this time, he still can't face the woman whom he's done nothing but cause pain for from the moment she was born. When he can't even give her that ounce of respect, who is he to judge Mikotoba?

So he doesn't. Till the end of the game, he keeps Susato at a distance and pretends that everything between him and Mikotoba is as it was from the start. But, inside, I think he knows it isn't. Because I think Holmes can see that Mikotoba doesn't feel half as guilty about what they've done as he does, and that he doesn't view the fact that he left Susato 16 years ago as a real problem. And while he doesn't judge Mikotoba for that, I don't think he can look past it anymore. That final investigation and dance of deduction, to me, is less an assurance that they are still the same partners they were before, and more a final farewell to their old, uncomplicated bond -- the one that did exist before they grew to love other people and understand what love truly meant to both of them.

Going back to the ship itself, I think shipping them pre-DGS works perfectly well. They both had a huge impact on each other's life and changed one another for the better; Holmes by drawing Mikotoba out from his grief, and Mikotoba by pulling Holmes from his life of solitude and loneliness. They needed each other, but it is also because of these reasons that I think there was an issue of codependency between them, hence the semi-horrible for each other box I gave them. With Mikotoba, it's clear cut. Holmes helped him run away from his very real issues at home and allowed him to live like he was a bachelor with zero familial obligations again. With Holmes, it gets a bit more foggy, but I believe that Mikotoba basically allowed him to live believing he was the only person Holmes would ever truly connect with and properly befriend. Holmes is obviously his own person and whatnot, but I do think there was a bit of unhealthy attachment there on his end if not both.

During DGS and post-DGS is where their ship gets more complicated for me, because, while Susato is still very much there at the beginning of their relationship, her role in their lives and what they did to her becomes impossible to ignore once she and Holmes actually meet. I don't believe that they can just pick up from where they left off because there is now (imo) a fundamental disagreement in how they view their actions and how it affected her. So, even if they do go back to being lovers or whatever afterwards, I feel that there should be this chasm or weight between them that they simply don't talk about or acknowledge in any way. Because I don't think they'd discuss it. Holmes because it isn't his place, Mikotoba because he sees it as a non-issue (maybe he doesnt even notice this distance), and both because sweeping unpleasantness under the rug is so ingrained into their cultures.

My main issue with the way this ship is often portrayed post-DGS (why they got a 50-50 on the I would erase them from existence box) is that it ignores what happened with Susato. The few times I've seen the concern that she might have an issue with their relationship even brought up in hmmk works is always because they're gay. Which, like!! Fair!!! It's the 1800s, I get it, but!!!! You're ignoring the actual, very big issue for why she might be hurt and that's because DGS ends with her finding out that three of the men she's closest to have been lying and using her for their own means her entire life!!!!!!!! And she just has to take it!!!!!!!

Which brings me to the second most popular interpretation of this ship which doesn't just put Iris and Susato in a box somewhere unseen, and that's the one where all four of them are a peaceful happy family with 0 issues! And this one bothers me because it seems like it's taking what Susato said at the end of the reveal as what she 100% sincerely meant down to her core, rather than something she had to say because (1) it is her duty to honour her father no matter what, and (2) because Iris was there. When she learns the entire truth, I don't think Susato knows what she truly thinks or feels about any of it; but she sees Iris, and she sees this little girl who was abandoned through her circumstances as a baby, named after her mother, and forced to grow up much sooner than she should have been, and she sees a girl who is more her sister than anyone else. So she does what she always has and tucks away her own emotions so she might tend to someone else's. She has been the perfect daughter her whole life; she can be the perfect sister.

Even if you don't subscribe to the, admittedly, harsh view of Mikotoba's parenting that I do, I don't see how you can get away from the fact that they still lied to her for a significant portion of time. Especially from Holmes, whom she trusted and believed in more than anyone else! In the face of his shoddy deductions, she still held onto her unwavering belief that he was a genius and a good man, and then it comes out that he's just been lying to her from the first day he met her. I just can't extract the ship from their treatment of Susato, so when I say that I would erase the ship from existence, it's mainly about these two bits. As with Asoryuu, the primary reason why I don't ship them personally is because I can't do that to her.

And, obviously, it's just shipping and fun and games, and everyone should feel free to ship whoever in whatever way they want bUT IN A SPECIAL WORLD MADE PERFECTLY FOR ME. iris would be perfectly oblivious, and susato would have tossed both holmes and mikotoba into the thames and left them to figure it out. In a world that must still vaguely make sense with the canon of the game, though, then Holmes would have given Mikotoba the boot and taken the kids; because he may be a coward, but at least I can see that he knows he fucked up, and he allows Susato to set the terms of their relationship, just like he does Iris.

Anyway, I'm so sorry for how long, convoluted and only tangentially-related to the ask this is, but thank you so much for it, Grace!!!! I don't think I quite got down what I meant precisely, but it's the closest to coherency I've ever gotten so. Thank you 💖💕💗💓💕💘💕

#this one's getting TAGGED bc i spent TIME on it & bc ive been trying to articulate my thoughts on holmes & susato for ages #homumiko #susato mikotoba #dgs sherlock holmes #yujin mikotoba #dai gyakuten saiban #the great ace attorney #dgs #tgaa #honestly i feel like i still didnt quite say what i wanted to but this is the best ive got so far. i like the way their relationships are #handled and depicted in canon but the fanon ones just never sat right with me #i feel like i came across as very harsh to yuujin here wjsjdgak i think he's a good man and he did his best!! grief gets the best of us #sometimes. but i cant get over how he seems to show 0 compunction for leaving susato behind as a baby and openly saying without a hint of #'oh i was also ready to be with my daughter finally' that he was FORCED out of london. like???? ALSO the way he says he wants ryuu to go #back with him & leaves susato out to dry??? i know he says it's respecting her freedom and whatnot but doesnt that seem a LITTLE neglectful #in a way? like it can very easily be read as 'oh i dont need you with me' or 'i cant be bothered to worry about you right now' especially #when he's already abandoned her once like. !!!!! and even if you dont view it that way doesnt it seem a bit dismissive of her role in those #cases? susato was crucial to all the cases ryuunosuke won (and he would attest to that) but yuujin makes it seem like it was all ryuu and #just disregards how important susato was there and i. i dont like that.#some might say that i am unfairly biased towards holmes and that's fair. i kind of am wjsdh but the reason why i dont bash on his parenting #as much is because he never pushes iris to love or respect him as her father. he very much leaves that up to her so when iris asserts at #the end that holmes IS her father you know that there is a real sense of love between them. that's why that scene is so important and #that's what validates their father-daughter relationship #ofc u could still argue im biased bc he did leave a 10 y/o to go on a cruise for who knows how long so. yea. valid WKASGAKSH #anyway. thank you SO much and im so sorry i completely went off the rails there. i hope anyone who read everything got... something from it #💕💘💓💖💖💘💖💕❤️💝💞💗💘💞💞💕💓💞💕💖💖💖💖💖💕#sorrry again grace 😔 i hope i came a little close to giving you what you wanted #mikotoba susato #mikotoba yuujin #dgs spoilers

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