#i can hatch but thats not the same effect...

[inkats]

i see... chartpak's screentones zip-a-tone maxon and letratone are all defunct...... there doesnt seem to be any other companies that made them other than deleter... there seems to be people selling them secondhand but that defeats the purpose of a cheaper alternative....

[zelenbug]

more ridiculous biology rayman headcanons. this time for several species. this is from july 29 i forgot to finish this again

-

teensies are mammals basically (again you cant apply cladistics here because everyone was literally created by god but still). generally theyre like the closest thing anatomically to a human (that isnt. a human)

and yeah they can have breasts

i couldnt tell you why they dont all have nipples though (ie nookins dont but teensy hermit does)

the most notable thing is the giant schnozzle. which is all soft tissue and squeezable, their skulls must be very short and weird looking like go ahead and imagine that. you know how cyclopes were possibly imagined because ancient people saw mammoth skulls and thought the giant nose hole was an eye socket. yeah.

anyway i think the reason for the teensies giant schnozzle is that thats where the organ is that helps greatly with... synthesizing magic? something like that? its important for them to be able to use magic effectively, and is the reason teensies have a much easier time with magic than most other glade species. youd still have to learn magic to be any good at it though

the reason ales mansay is so bad at it is partly because his magic organ thing is broken and doesnt work really well, but mostly because he dropped out really early from magic school (because he hated everyone in it and everyone bullied him in turn) so he just doesnt know anything

elaborations on aleses magic abilities with bonus non-biology headcanons

itd be possible for a teensy to get around the Magic Synthesizing Organ Is Broken issue, and still be able to be good at magic if they make an effort to learn it. itd just be more difficult for them than for other teensies. and i suppose itd be more similar to other species learning magic despite them not having the magic organs (ie red wizards for globoxs species)

the magic organ isnt part of the nervous system, so any potential brain issues would be separate from any potential magic organ issues

teensies dont hatch from eggs but i still stand by reproduction being magic and features not being real. so i dont know how itd work with them. as far as im aware theyre delivered by a stork idk (the stork thing is not a real hc but itd be really funny)

also i forgot to bring this up but the majority of teensies are just bald, possibly more commonly than even globoxes? if teensies do have hair its likely to be really short. if they have long hair they either have a wig or are romeo patti

although if teensies are such good magic users (and such spells exist as, according to a cut origins line, "ten foot toenails" (which ales got affected by) which is weird because i dont think teensies even have those to begin with),.... they can definitely just magic themselves some hair. maybe thats what romeo did to himself

oh yeah. curiously for mammals (same here applies to raypeople also). no external ears whatsoever, i guess then they have either earholes (that are just never shown, much like any nostrils on any teensy etc even though they DO apparently have nostrils) or like. external eardrums like frogs

-

raypeople are also basically mammals, but the classification is even weirder for them since basically all of them are created even more magically than usual. they do also got nipples though

have i delved into how limblessness works in the glade? its really common but raymans species are unique just for HOW limbless they are. anyway its obviously heavily just magic. all the interconnected system things (ie the digestive systems, blood vessels and such) connect between floating body parts with basically just portals. so if they eat something the food just baiscally teleports from the head down to the body

generally how itd feel like to have limblessness is like. still feels like youre moving your hands/whatever with (nonexistent) muscles using your own brain? but you have a greater range of motion, like how i brought up how globox would be able to use his feet as a propeller to swim

it works weird with ray people. or just rayman idk. instead of still having limited range on how far the floating body parts can go, he can throw his fists a lot further, but his hands can also just come off like at the start of rayman 3. and magically reattach back to him so he can actually use them

im also thinking about how in the ending its shown how his hands just wandered off while rayman was asleep and scared andre into existing. i think its moreso like sleepwalking? its interesting though that his hands could just move THIS far from him for this long, while ALSO when hes asleep. can he move his hands this far when awake and concious of what hes doing??

also he can just fall apart which. yknow also is canon but its interesting thinking about this with regards to these biology headcanons

greater range of motion still stands. he can absolutely turn his head 180 degrees backwards (which also briefly happens in rayman 3 in the vortex cutscene because he got spun too hard). i think he just wouldnt tend to do it often because it freaks people with necks out

anyway THESE guys giant schnozzles grants them a better sense of smell. idk what else itd do

as ive mentioned reproduction is even more magic than every other species, they get created by either very very powerful magic people (ie fairies, ie betilla; also accidentally happened independently with the bird one and tarayzan, upon which he immediately ran off), or actual raypeople somehow having a kid (ie with the musicians strangely small-nosed baby). its also possible they have to ask a fairy nicely to grant them a kid idk (however. i dont think this would fit for raymesis the giant cringefail loser that he is.) in any case they absolutely do just magically pop into existence which is somehow different from whatever teensies do to pop into existence

i dont know if raypeople can inherently have helicopter hair or how does it even work when their hair is any other different shape that cant turn into a chopper. can the magician helico? can the musician or his family helico?

raypeople have no inherent magic capabilities like teensies do, theyd also have to learn it, like the magician whos like about the only known rayperson to utilize magic to that extent

ray people are also a decently rare sight. most everyone only just knows rayman. though i suppose theyd have to be frequent enough for everyone to view raymesis as "who even is this dweeb" as opposed to treating him any more special for being this rare species

-

so theres like. a general type of insects that dont tend to look much like insects on the surface. like they have 4 limbs, appear to have proper external skin and eyelids and other stuff that a vertebrate would have. however theyre still all bugs and do NOT have bones

im talking this about so vaguely because im referring to several species. as in greenbottles (murfy), mosquitoes, and also uglies, and there could be more that fits this criteria

its clear why greenbottles and uglies would be like. the same strangely vertebrate-looking type of insects

mosquitoes look more obviously buglike but they still have eyelids and such. i think theyd also be closely related (((as far as that goes with everyone literally being created by god))) to the other two

arguably these flies also count as closely related despite having 6 limbs. this thing is wrinkly as hell. anyway this is just silly all of these examples are literally just dipterans

having rather vertebrate-like external anatomy might just be inherent to the arthropods in the glade because i can think of many more examples. though its not entirely applicable to all of them, this is mostly just a regular crab

anyway yeah. this part was rambly and poorly written but either way The Bugs Are Weird. i think they have internal supports thatd still be more similar to a normal bug exoskeleton, theres still no bones

anyway green bottle flies in real life are blowflies and deposit their babys in rotten meat! this is why i think murfys preferred meals are meat too rotten for everyone else to bother with, with obnoxious amounts of honey or nectar or something other too sweet for everyone else to bother with. of course everyone else thinks his food taste is insane meanwhile he berates globox for just trying to make a salad with fruit and fish in it

i think murfy was also a little baby worm at one point its because hes a fly. the difference from real flies i think is greenbottles would pupate at the equivalent at around 13 years old (which, according to my other headcanon, would be close to 40 decades in glade years). then they get out of the pupa non-wormly and with wings, but unlike real life insects still keep growing after that until they can actually be considered an adult (in real life insects are 100% adults and wont grow any further if they have wings)

also murfys (and other greenbottles obv) wings are detached and floating, very convenient for clothes

-

lums barely even have biology to speak of. theyre entirely made out of magic (and therefore mostly glow, unsurprisingly enough for the thing that is called a lum)

even despite being glowing orbs with wings (or sometimes no wings) they still have a physical form that you can hold onto (even before origins i mean). their external traits are rather inconsistent but they can often have faces, limbs, and they can all make noises

heres a pic of globox just holding it like normal, and interestingly you can tell hes holding it by the more solid glowing part of the lum

anyway in particular a notable example of those lum traits is andre. hes like a little bug, he doesnt glow at all, he loves plum juice, but hes still a lum and entirely made out of magic. theres no internal anatomy to speak of so the plum juice he drinks doesnt even go anywhere

i dont know if you can dissect a lum i think it just wouldnt work

also yeah red lums do just come with an inherent built in flaw of turning evil sometimes because they got too scared. it just never got too out of hand until one of them happened to have arms and any intellect at all (with regards to how to make other black lums) and then he caused there to be magnitudes more black lums than there were around previously, well enouogh to be a threat to everyone

lums are everywhere, ever present, seemingly predate even the glade itself (that was the case in r2 anyways), at least some other creatures might be made OUT of lums (rayman is seemingly either made of those or electoons??)

i dont really know why sometimes they have limbs and sometimes they dont. even when its just yellow lums. it might be possible that theres distinct types of yellow lums, and theres 1000 specifically that are important for the heart of the world, and like countless lums that people just catch for sport and those have arms and legs. idk

OH YEAH. the fact that lums are magic is like, i think, The thing that makes hoodlums function. its mostly fairly regular fabric, but the fabric itself makes them just inherently assume certain roles with certain behaviors and voices and stuff. somehow. the black lums make it work and thats how they can walk around and shoot people despite most of them not having arms (andre does but it didnt even matter because his hoodmonger form functioned the exact same as any normal hoodmonger)

semi related (not biology related) neat fact! the currency in rayman kart, which is just coins, is also referred to as lums (even internally). they just have rayman faces on them but the fact that theyre called lums is still notable. you can build interesting lore off of this

also semi related, electoons and darktoons i think are also just composed out of magic. but they have more solid non glowing forms. i dont really know what electoons do though, origins suggests theyre responsible for The Fabric Of Reality which is A Lot (but i guess it does fit with what theyre named after. electrons tend to be in atoms [citation needed])

-

knaaren. i dont even know what to class them as (beyond being vertebrates)? are they reptilian? mammalian? what? huh? do they hatch from eggs? either way one thing i can say is that theyre a single sex species. theres some cut lines in rayman 3 where they literally say female knaaren dont exist

those were. definitely cut for good reason because this seems to me like a weird misogynistic joke. and its literally not true knaaren can and do run sometimes.

anyway im going to pretend some knaaren just decide theyre women anyway. but yeah at the very least the vast majority of the population consists of men

they can still have kids, idk how either, they ask the leptys nicely for it or something? either way as a result the vast majority of knaaren have either just a dad, or dads (they mostly just mention their dad). i dont know if heterosexual knaaren even exist (outside of women, but that still suggests cishet knaaren are not real)

LATE EDIT: lady knaaren that will only kiss other ladys are also real of course just uncommon

also knaaren might be carnivores? i dont know what exactly they eat though outside of brains. i dont imagine they get many visitors do the desert (so they could eat them since theyre just okay with doing that to fellow sapients). since their god is a giant mean bird i imagine theyd revere birds and not eat them. some of them have pet rats so they probably wouldnt eat the rats either? tbh i could see it bc theres SO many rats in just one map in their level

also yeah the knaaren were made by the leptys (the aforementioned giant mean bird) not polokus. i think leptys just showed up in the galde and went "Ok polokus im putting a bunch of violent brain eating dudes onto your planet have fun" and polokus was like "uhh ok sure"

also knaaren spend enough of their time just bullying teensies to depict it in murals all over their caverns for some strange reason. like its important to them that they chase teensies and carry them around on ropes. although tbh the teensies dont even look scared about it so im not sure whas going on here

like girl you are voluntarily holding onto these ropes at this point

-

speaking of the gods. i dont know if they have any standard anatomy to speak of either. and theyre not bound to one external appearance either (though they do have like a "true" form), but polokus is about the only one that shapeshifts for fun (or because he was going through a tragic breakup idk), and i guess jano randomly turning really really big is also related to this

so what i mean is. idk if theyd have internal anatomy either, much like lums. this polokus line from origins kind of reads like its the case though?

so obviously its difiicult to deduce The Biological Features And Anatomy Of Gods because they can look and be shaped like basically anything

in practice though, whatever forms they take theyre still like, Physical and they can definitely just disguise themselves as normal people. i think this is what voodoo mama (NOT THE NYMPH)/mama hite did so most of the red wizards around the docks where she hangs out just assume that shes just. another globox person. and not like A God. physically she appears exactly the same as those she just has way way more magic powers (because shes a god) and also divorced polokus (because theyre both gods)

this is past biology at this point but gods can also end up creating other more minor gods. but about the only instance of this is with polokus accidentally creating jano, all the other ones in the glade just kind of formed on their own much like polokus himself has

and of course they have way more magic capabilities than literally anyone else. i think jano literally is responsible for the entire pocket dimension of land of the livid dead (origins) existing, and thus also like all the nightmares in it

-

ever think about these guys?? i dont know their biological classification either but i can tell that they have hair (not that that really means anything)

i tjink these are mostly found around aeropolis (instead of the common population mix of teensies and globox people with occacional others) and theyre even more closer to just the most average guy you can get. no specific magic capabilities, no nothing

sometimes theyre also just bald for no reason but hair seems more common than on teensies or globox people. seriously though that woman is bald

anyway its very obvious why razoff could be connected to these. but the weird thing is that, instead of a stripey nose, he just has a bunch of spots all over him (including the nose), and he has 3 fingered hands instead of 4 fingered hands. also a way longer neck that mans a giraffe

(showing him with his hat off makes the resemblance between him and the aeropolis people more obvious though)

so the question is is razoff just weird or is he part of a closely related species to the aeropolis people? is he part of a subspecies? why less fingers?

whatever is going on with him hes definitely a lot more reptilian looking. although its seems he doesnt have scales anyway, he just has fairly smooth and shiny skin. but i guess you can then assume aeropolis people are kind of reptiles??? but they can also jsut be nothing because cladistics are not real in the glade

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the way the rat looked with present mouse_eye textures (instead of having that part of the mesh be entirely white (because the mouse_eye texture is gone) so it looks like some kind of frill) in the earlest rayman 3 demo we have. this thing literally has faceted eyes you cant convince me otherwise

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this thing is a glute and it is a bird that can eat and derive nutrients from anything (or at least digest anything)

it has antennae for communication, jumps around, and i think teensies have bred it into numerous fancy varieties. and theres of course feral glutes that just act like pigeons except theyre flightless and they eat your lunch AND the pretty rock you just found on the beach AND probably try to eat you too and this is why globox hates them.

and they dont even make for good meat! so you cant eat them back!

i should share that drawing i did recently of various glute morphs and breeds i think thats pretty fun

[mideop]

Because there hasn’t been a lot of posts today (I was too busy partying lol) Have some.. ★Dust!Goldie fun facts★

(I apologise in advance, this has a lot of dumb ranting ALSO - I refer to Dust!goldie as both Dust (his nickname/codename) and Goldie!)

• Goldie, after waking up/being revived, waited in the back rooms for roughly another 7 months until he heard Freddy and the others getting their Christmas presents, and they didn’t bring one for him, thats when he realised he wasn't getting let out. Thats also when he learnt to teleport! He wished to be out the backrooms so badly, it actually happened! (Was rather jarring for him at the time.)

∙ Dust cant actually eat anything, no one can clean out his stomach hatch because no one that can clean it knows he exists! (He is very sad about this fact.)

∙ Mike knows Goldie exists, he isnt paid enough to care.

∙ One time, one of the animatronics found an old Golden Freddy plush, and brought it to Freddy. Freddy just played it off as a special edition recolour of himself and took it to “throw it away.” He kept that plush and hid it away in a drawer. He could barely look at it.

∙ Animatronics have to have limited amounts of tears right? They cant cry forever, they'd run out of water eventually! That happened to Goldie, he physically can’t cry because he’s out of tears. He cried so much he can’t anymore. (Ignore that one comic where Mari gives him a gift and he tears up, that was just for special effect 😅)

• Where does Dust charge? How does he get energy to stay alive? Well, the same way he solves all problems in this AU, theft. He steals the charge boxes. And implants them himself. Hey, he’s gotta do what he’s gotta do to survive! • Dust is actually kinda scared of Freddy - I mean the dude literally almost left him to die (at least from his perspective) , even though he's seen how remorseful Freddy is and how depressed he is, that knowledge he could literally kill you if he wanted is gonna make you wary of the guy, if Freddy did ever spot him I feel like it would go like this :

"Wowwieee omg im sorry for almost leaving you to die uh you still shouldnt have killed that child though. So happy your still alive you wanna go play tetris or something?"

"AHHHH-PLEASE DON’T KILL ME-“

• Goldie in this AU never really got his stomach/mouth cleaned after the bite, he was just straight away thrown into the backrooms. There’s still traces of blood in his mouth that he can taste but he can’t eat anything to distract himself from it. Moths/butterflies (I can’t remember if it was moths or butterflies that are attracted to dead bodies, but it was one of them) are attracted to him because of the blood still remaining inside of him.

Might edit and add some more later!

[kopathefox]

Characters :

Vyffor (the purple-ish novabeast thats BASED OFF my furry version of Vakuum from Pokemon xenoverse)

Losi (the razewing rathalos/blue winged red wyvern, in my AU his name is Losi instead of Ratha)

Kyle (as a grey-ish Corgi)

Vakuum (the dragon creature with the same patterns as Vyffor)

Avinia (as a blonde lioness)

Frostfamg (the barioth/Wyvern sabertooth monstie)

Cheval (as a red wolf with stegosaurus’s spikes on him)

Rathi (the Rathian/the green wyvern)

Ena (the blue-ish Wyverian dragon, that dragon creature is basically the way i draw the wyverians, Wyverians are basically humans with pale skin & long elf ears that can live for above 100 years and they will still look young)

Navirou (the small blonde & brown cat)

Tsukino (the grey cat with the purple clothes & pink human hair)

Zellard (the black Wyverian dragon)

Kayna (as a blonde-ish caracal)

Oltura (first appears as the shadowy figure, the colourful & bright dragon with 6 wings in total)

Forsaken winged Vyffor (the wolf-wyvern thing that is basically Vyffor’s monster form)

Explain time:

Yes! I got into monster hunter! But only monster hunter stories, i finished 2 but not 1 so please do not spoil me, so basically this is my Monster hunter stories 2 au of the arsism au (its not only pokemon anymore), so basically the protagonist is Vyffor, the lil strange-looking novabeast, basically it goes that way: this takes some years later after the events of the Pokemon xenoverse au, Vakuum still didn’t got an answer to his question, how come a mortal can have such a big & meaningful effects on someone? Specially a god like him (cuz Sorrel made him change for good), so he said “hm, this world of monsters & humans seems like its gonna have a new threat coming, why not testing it by overpowering a random mortal?”, so he basically blessed Vyffor with his power (which caused him to look like him), but despite that, Vyffor didn’t really had the best life out there, as you can see in the beginning, Vyffor sitting by the window for days, slowly getting sad & saying “Red?….”, he was waiting for his grandfather, who was the only one available to take care of him, but little did he know that Red was killed by a Nergigante (when he was 2 years old, he’s currently 13), as the other frame shows, “Homeless, moneyless, lonely, bullied, orphan, unhealthy, trauma, phobia of Kayna”, he was homeless for the entire main story & its prior events, he had no money to afford even food, he was lonely, he lived in the streets all alone, he was unhealthy because he lived in poor conditions & always had to eat from the trash, he is orphan (well, spoilers, later on his parents, Sivan & Sam, comes back after they long vacation, they just didn’t knew that Red, Sam’s daddy, died), he has trauma from both his rough past & his entire traumatic moments of his journey (like Oltura, everytime he almost died, Losi getting kidnapped, getting taken by force to Lulucion), Phobia of Kayna, while Kayna means well, she’s very rough with him ever since he was small, and he’s a big softie, so that causes him a fear as he sees her as a threat, bullied, he was bullied all his childhood, although when he started his journey nobody dared to bully him anymore cuz he had his monsties to protect him & they had no monsties nor weapons, so basically during his journey he met some new friends & even few enemies (like Zellard & his cult),

he met Avinia, Kyle, Cheval, Orgo (not shown here), Tsukino, Navirou, Ena, Vakuum (first met in a vision of Vyffor), Lilia (not shown here), Reverto (not shown here), Alwin (not shown here), he also befriended new monsties, Losi (same as the actual story, by hatching him from an egg from Ena), Lil Kitten (Nargacuga took from the nest of a dead Nargacuga), Kadachi (tobi-kadachi after slaying an hostile tobi-kadachi, he found Kadachi as a baby, all weak & starving to death so he took him with him), Dylan (Lagiacrus, that moment where the crew had to fight a Lagiacrus so the Lagiacrus was about to kill Vyffor until Dylan came out of nowhere & fucked the Lagiacrus up & joined Vyffor), Palamute (got an dragon palamute egg as a gift from Kyle when he wanted to confess to Vyffor so instead of a diamond ring he gave him a Palamute egg thinking its much cheaper but he had to buy a lot of better equipment so no, not really Kyle), Mizu (Mizutsune, Basically, when the crew were about to leave the Porome garden, Vyffor saw a Green Nargacuga killing a Mizutsune & trying to kill Mizu/its son so he saved Mizu & ran away without slaying the green nargacuga), Losi was the closest monstie to Vyffor that Vyffor owns, Vyffor views Losi as his big brother, although sometimes treats him like his child, without Losi Vyffor will go on scared-feral mode & will freak out, his relationship with the characters are: Kayna is like his predator in his view until some events after the main story (my own postgame events), where they’re simply friends, he sees Lilia as his aunt (specially after when he realises his parents are her childhood friends), she knows it & really likes that, Kyle & Vyffor are literally boyfriends, Vyffor sees Avinia kinda like his mommy, she knows it, she thinks its cute (specially because he’s a furry & he’s very cute-looking), but never comments on it, Vyffor’s relationship with Cheval is basically a father & son, Cheval even adopts Vyffor at a certain point in my exclusive post-game events, it wasn’t that hard for Cheval, after all, he raised Sivan (the mhs1 protagonist + Vyffor’s mamma) ever since she was 1 years old, so why would Vyffor be a challenge? Cheval is also really protective over lil Vyffor, Reverto & Vyffor are simply friends, Navirou & Vyffor are really good friends, Vyffor might sometimes cuddle him in his sleep, Orgo & Vyffor are also simply friends, Tsukino is really close to Vyffor because of his relationship with Kyle, exactly like Navirou, Ena is also kinda like Vyffor’s mommy figure (yes, 2 mommy figures & 1 daddy figure, totally normal), Alwin is very protective over Vyffor because of him being Red’s grandson, Vakuum really loves Vyffor mainly because he was the key to the answer to his question, How can a mortal have such a big affects on someone or something? Even mortals are meaningful, only because they aren’t some powerful beings that can create & destroy stuff with simple fingers snap doesn’t mean they’re weak & useless, they’re strong in their own ways, and he saw something really special in Vyffor as well, and thats it i guess

[homeofhousechickens]

If the failed hatch was just caused by the creeper gene it would explain the brain deformities but my problem with that theory is that none of the more normal chicks had the shortened limbs and deformities typical of homozygous creepers. I think im going to have to compare and measure the leg length of my birds soon.

I did learn recently that a big sign of creeper is chicks who die before hatching for seemingly no reason and it can also cause that exact kind of brain deformity where parts of the skull are missing but i am still suspect and would want to see other failed hatches that were knowly caused by the creeper gene to compare. Only problem is-not everyone does egg necropsys for some reason which is annoying but ill keep my eyes open.

If it is just the Creeper gene i would just breed it out by outcrossing and not keeping any short legged birds. If its something like hereditary exencephaly that would be more tricky since its rare not well documented and doesnt express or pass on consistently even in lab settings.

What i do know is that its definitely stemming from Cannoli. His breeder has said they did get two chicks with the same deformity over a 10 year period, i also know a local who got birds from them and also experienced that same deformity which is really interesting.

I always assumed Muffin and Cannoli might siblings due to similar coloration but if that were the case wouldnt those eggs have suffered the same deformities? But they didnt and Joy and Oreo have always easily thrived. Really makes you think but thats why chicken breeding in interesting. Thinking more on that subject this failed hatch also had Sassy as a mom not just sugar, Sassy is MuffinXNugget so why would her chicks be effected? I do need to do another batch out of those two pairings but i dont like the heartbreak of failed hatches.

Definitely need to bring in some new blood. I think this year ill focus on raising some new blood.

[istherewifiinhell]

anyone wanna get emotional about collaborative art with me?

[Mirage 19 Story: E&L, Layout: Eastman, Pencils: Jim Lawson, Inks: Laird, Letters: Steve Lavigne]

ID from alt: Cropped section of the page annotations by Laird, (relevant) text: Page 18 is also the beginning of what I think of as "Brick hell" - Jim drew so many panels with hundreds of bricks in them, and I felt obliged to ink them all in. That was a LOT of bricks." Left is a panel showing Raph running down a curving brick tunnel, the wall is drawn with individual bricks, uncountable amounts of lines that illustrate the curvature.

If not, enjoy brick hell instead (I'll leave, just a doozy of a brick hell image at the end)

(this issue has beautiful layout paneling, which little snippets of could never replicate. great one to check out. imho)

come one come all to the worst barn party of the decade...

[IDS AND ALTS THE SAME]

ID: Jones family barn interior. Mike and Don speaking to Raph (off panel). Mike, in an open gesture: Life is good here... It's given us time to heal, to accept what's happened. Leo's needed this time, too--. Don, by his work table, no mask, wearing an apron. More neutral: We're not the guardians of society, Raphael... we never were. END

ID: Three panels, Raph pushing Leo around, yelling at him. The background moves from uninked, to midtone, to dark tone, as they both get more angry. Raph: No-- You're hiding out here... scared to face facts... And you're dragging all of us down with you! Fun and games are over, Chump... Look at yourself! END

ID: Two panels, Raph looks down to a wooden sword Leo (off panel) has held up in his way. He looks at it, unimpressed. Then looks up, pissed off and says only "Mistake." END

1. Three panels, Leo in the forground, just his leg seen. Raph on the floor against a wall. He whips his chin, saying "You were always good, Leo...". Close up, spit hangs from his mouth, continues "... One of the best..." He stands and finishes "...Which makes life here even more of a crime."

2. Four panels, Leo has Raph in a choke hold, holding him from behind, they are on the floor. Sweaty and teeth grit with exhertion. Leo says "--Do you hear me?!" Raph starts throwing punches to Leo's head, just above his own. As each one land we close in on Leo's face. END

Well. Thats great. Ill eat my own heart out how abouts.

AND ANYWAY. My favourite favourite effect.

ID: 1. Four panels, Leo, Mike and Don, run along a roof top, grab some fire escapes, and make their way to street level, skirting the edge of a street lamp's glow. The entire set is pen inked normally, and washed completely with the mid tone, save the small circle around the lamp, glowing white.

2. Large panel. Raph, 3 point lands, kicking up dust in the center of a spot lit section of sewer. The tail ends of a hood he wears trail up with the motion. Very little double-tone is used on the page, instead the shadow is communicated by increased hatch lines still following the shapes of every object in shot. END

ID: Raph sits in the tattered remains of the turtles lair, his brothers shadowed in the foreground. Raph, not very warmly says "Welcome Home." END

Okay okay. cry forever and every. please for the love of god. read comics. now. more brick hell

ID: Three panels, showing the entrance of a sewer tunnel into a larger area, closed and open pipes along the wall. The shot holds empty for two panels, then with the inclusion of Raph jumping out the exit in the third. If you are to look carefully. You can tell, though the scenery remains the same, in each, the intricate pen inked brick work and shadows have been done three separate times. END

LIKE. I KNOW ITS TRADITIONAL MEDIUM COMICS. But sir.... SIR? Another annotations from Laird specifically. Have mentioned using the copier to place certain things in backgrounds.... i just.... SIR?

[throwsomecheeseonit]

20 Years of Clean-Chapter 15

We made the rounds and was impressed by his friends/ Royals starting lineup. All of their wives were absolutely stunning and frankly, I felt out of place. They didn't make me feel that way it was just my inner voice that made me feel like that. It was hard to remember names so for the sake of this narration we will use my inner monologue and their beauty for inspiration.

Golden Hair: "Brandon can we borrow your girl and get some shots"

Me: No. No. I don't need any shots. I'm good.

Perky Ass: " Come on. We're celebrating. Don't make us peer pressure you. Pretty please." Batting her eyelashes.

Perfect Teeth: "Yeah. Come on. You don't mind Brandon do you?"

He just laughed and shrugged his shoulders, "I can't speak for her." They proceeded to look at me and jut their lower lips out at the same time. "Fine! You are peer pressuring me by the way!" Red grabbed my hand and pulled me to the bar with the girls in tow. I asn't the most outgoing person and this particular interaction was out of my comfort zone. I looked over my shoulder to see if Brandon was there if I needed help. He was there alright with 2 other ladies, that I didn't recognize, engaged in conversation. A twinge of jealousy started to build in my chest. Turning back around, the girls didn't notice and Golden Hair was buying a round of Kamikaze shots. "Batten down the hatches babies and lock up your men because we're going wild tonight," Red shouted. "Cheers," the women shouted and smiled at each other in unison. They had to have been cheerleaders in the past with their perfect perkiness. "So, Michelle. How long have you and Brandon known eachother?" "I'm going to give you the edited, condensed version. About 30 years." Every single one of them gasped. "30 years, how old are you?!, Perky ass asked. "I'm 37, he's 38. We've known each other since Elementary School." They all "Awww'd" at my admisson. "So are you guys dating now, that's soo cute," Red cooed at me. Looking over my shoulder again Brandon was with 1 of the 2 girls he was speaking with. Her hand was on his shoulder. "Doesn't look like it," gesturing towards him and the other. "Don't worry about that. We call them groupies. It doesn't mean anything." "I need another shot," a low growl in my throat. The bartender granted my request. "Honestly, I don't know what we are. We've been talking for months and this is probably the third time I've seen him since our 20 year reunion. I don't know what he does on the road. Look, we're almost 40. Do 40 somethings call each other boyfriend and girlfriend? That sounds so strange. Were just friends I guess." It hurt to say out loud but it was the honest truth. The alcohol had me spewing my absolute truth to these beautiful strangers. The buxom Blonde talking up Brandon stood on her tip toes and gave him a kiss on the cheek and a pinch on the ass before walking off. "Another," red asked. "Keep 'em coming." "How do you guys deal with that, the groupies. I don't think that's something I could deal with constantly." "We're just used to it by now. What's a relationship without trust? You have to have thick skin being a girl of a pro athlete." "I guess. I commmend you guys," starting to slur my words. By this time, we were 4 shots deep and the bestest of friends. "You have nothing to worry about. Look at the way he looks at you.," Perky ass motioned towards Brandon. It took a moment for my eyes to focus out the bluriness and when they did I saw 2 of Brandon. His fine ass was looking at me and smiling from ear to ear. The unmistakable effects of alcohol warming his cheeks. HIs hair was little messier and his suit jacket was hanging on the back of the chair in front of him. I didn't smile back. I still felt the pang of jealousy in gut, also the effects of my lingering buzz. "He's drunk. Thats the look of obliteration my dear." They all laughed and perky ass gave me a hug. "You girls want to dance," Golden hair piped up. "No thanks. You girl go ahead. I'm gonna stay here."

I did shimmy my way to where Brandon was standing. Mad at him for no apparent reason other than he entertained a conversation with some Bimbo. "Hey baby," he tried grabbing for me. I stayed still, not moving towards him any further. Not deflecting his advances but also not giving into them. "What's wrong," his voice low and serious. "Nothing. You just have a lot of groupie friends." "That was nothing," waving his hand around in the air. "They all want a piece but they can't have me." He winked to further his point. "And why is that slugger," mocking him. He threw his head back with a loud drunken giggle. "Ladies and Gentlemen! Can I have your attention please! Yo Listen up!," Brandon shouted over the crowd, even the music went silent. "What are you doing," asking him in a tortured whisper. "This Beautiful, Sexy woman is my girl. No one else. I flew her out here to be with me and she's the only one I'm interested in. Groupies beware!" My girl group started cheering along with every guy in the place. Instantly turning red, I inched closer to Brandon and tried hiding under his massive arm but he didn't let me hide. He grabbed me, dipped me and gave me a big, happy, wonderful sloppy kiss in front of everyone. "Now, if you excuse us were going home." I just stood there stunned and mortified but deep down my soul was beaming with happiness. Massive applause could be heard all the way from the venue to the Uber we took home.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

"Do you want to have sex with me?." Brandon's question caught me completely off guard. My head was already swimming, dorwning actually in alcohol. "Like right now," confusion splayed across my face. "Not necessarily." Brandon was slurring his words completely intoxicated. "Of course I want to have sex with you but. Can this conversation wait until we are at your place. Not in this uber." The uber driver looked at me from the rear view mirror. This couldn't be anymore awkward. "Fine," Brandon crossed his arms like a little boy who wasn't allowed to get a cookie from the cookie jar.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Five minutes later we were at his building making the wobbly trek up to his apartment. As soon as the door closed behind us Brandon was right back into this rather unexpected conversation. "So what's the deal? Are we friends? Have I been friend zoned," he plopped down on the leather sofa. Honestly, this discussion should be done when we were sober because I had no tolerance for this affront at the moment. "Can we have this conversation when we're level headed," asking him. "No. We are having it right now." Brandon's voice was very deep and stern. "Fine. Of course I want to have sex with you. I'm very attracted to you." I was beginning to wonder if his friends were in his ear saying something like, you haven't hit that yet. "Where is this coming from Brandon?." "Ohh you used my first name. I must be in trouble," he said mockingly. "You barely touch me. I feel like I'm the only one who shows affection. Not to mention we barely see each other. I've wanted to jump your bones since you got here but you just don't seem interested. His admission made me cringe a bit. I've wanted to jump his bones too but when we were in Tampa he expressly told me he wanted to take it slow. "Aren't you the one that wanted to take it slow in Tampa? I'm not trying to muck things up between us." At this point all I wanted to do was go to bed. "That was Tampa Michelle. How long ago was that? 2 months. We have played it slow." "I think it's best that I sleep in the spare bedroom tonight," crossing my arms and making a little huff sound. "What?! Why, because I wanted to have an honest conversation with you." He couldn't hide his hurt and agitation. "Because it's been a long day. We're both drunk and I don't want to say something I'll regret in the morning." "Fine," he stood up from the couch, walked to his bedroom and slammed the door behind him.

Our first fight, drunken fight might I add. His anger ticked me off even more. How dare him slam the door, give me attitude. If anything I should be the one with the attitude, girls all up on him all night, kissing his cheek and pinching his ass.

My reflection in the mirror was sad. I would be lying if I said I didn't shed a tear or two while removing my makeup. Was this it? Were we over before we even really began? I composed myself and went to lay down. Tomorrow morning i'll be better rested and ready to make a game plan. He wasn't wrong about showing affection. I don't think he was able to now how long i've felt for him. This is brand new for him and for me this is somewhat of a fantasy I've had since we were teenagers. He wouldn't know because I never expressed that at fear of driving him away. Tomorrow morning will be better.

[that-purple-creature]

Sorry it's over three hours late but @adustjay @wiggity-wiggity-wack @drpepper-fan

Homestuck (2009) can be read as an analogy for colonialism and racism, in the loss of one's land to another who sees this as a game. The inverse can also be said; The seeing of oneself as the saviour or God of a self-constructed society. These are the trolls' and humans' cases respectively, and there's a secret third thing I will touch on later. Each society within Homestuck has a unique sociopolitical structure, built and established ground-up as we see the story develop through an ever-warped narrative perspective.

The "Humans" are not as we know ourselves, though anatomically almost identical with accountance for stylistic choice; Red blooded, organs, bones, eyes, hair, houses of brick, mortar and drywall, a similar class hierarchy to what we know as humanity. There exists another session of humans parallel to our act-one protagonists, with our socio-economic and -political climates long extinct. We'll come back to them, but the important element is that they're not the humanity and class systems that we know, especially for the two dumped far in the future. They're also dead!

Next; The Trolls. The "Gods" of this earth in terms of immaculate creation, but with barely any say in its current day. Their societal structure, and the violence and general human-regarded immorality of it, dwarfs our own, classed by their hemotype, or blood colour, ranging from rust/burgundy to Fuscia, from 'Filthy Lowbloods' capable of nothing but hard manual labour, to Her Imperious Condescension, who had to fight for her place and then demands that same fight of any who dare challenge her. Any who rebel are pushed down and literally culled for their insolence and weakness. We saw snippets of this narrative-required violence earlier, with Dave Strider - one of our Mane Four for the first two acts or so - and his Bro, through the abuse he suffered under the guise of training. Train him it did, but it also Severely Traumatised Him. This is the way of life on Alternia, but in their case this is dialled up to Eleven at all times. Their family structures and even the way their years work are entirely different because it is a different planet, with different members and a different culture.

This is demonstrated somewhere around page 004671 of the original webcomic, where we find my favourite canon exerpt of it. This reads;

tG: how old are you

gC: 6

tG: goddamn

tG: okay now i know youre messing with me you arent 6

gC: NO 1TS TRU3!

tG: whatever that's bullshit

tG: ok fuck it

tG: just don't tell your parents

gC: WH4T 4R3 P4R3NTS

tG: thats about the saddest thing i ever heard get said

This is also how we hammer home the fact that Dave Elisabeth Strider is very Texan.

The Trolls are raised by those who are essentially teenagers; anybody over ten sweeps (or 21.667 years) is sent to fight for Alternia or culled, leaving newly hatched wigglers to be raised by adolescent jadebloods until the decision is made to cull them or hand them over to a lusus, seemingly done right around first or second molt. Humans would regard this barbaric, but humans who got close enough to the Alternian empire would be in a similar state to these infants quite soon after, if the Empire's horror stories of hostile takeovers are honest enough. They are their universes most successful colonisers, splitting their planet in a dichotomy for the ages to revere and sacrificing the best and brightest for the sake of More. Going back to that doomed timeline from earlier, we see the evidence of this when, even though decades of fight and turmoil, the Alternian Empire destroys earth, strips it down to bare bones and leaving only two teenagers left alive. If the condescence that we know and loathe found earth B, the impact would be catastrophic, even without SBURB in the way of everything.

This is an amazing example of the destructive effect of colonialism and settling on land that is not ones own.

We also have a third perspective, one of taking land for a game, for the funnies of tearing a world away from those native to it and handing it to one who longs for the secrets it keeps and the fun of having land to call his own. The force that drives this is suspiciously named; Lord English.

Lord English is Claiborn's favourite puppet, the namesake of, to him, one of the manliest people ever to exist; our very own Jake English. He is the main villain of the later part of the comic, the BBEG you could say, (though I'd say the real BBEG is the friends we made along the way), and he's controlled, puppeteered, torn around on his strings by Caliborn. The so called embodiment of masculinity, of violence, cruelty, and malevolence, such as the patriarchal societal structure of colonial England puppeteered the countries they tore out by the roots. His opposite, the lovely Calliope, isn't able to stop this rampant machine of terror and torture herself, and it is up to the oppressed peoples to fight back, tear out their own hair in effort to destroy him from the ground up.

No conclusion because I just formatted this in class as a particularly unhinged goodreads review but there you go folks.

who wants to see my nonsensical essay about homestuck and colonialism that i wrote to spite my english teacher

[dirk-has-rabies]

Bro Strider (ongoing as i add more sources)

im gunna clear something up for the people on tiktok (and probably other places) who think that just cuz they read the wiki that means they know everything about a character and their underlying story and personality.

Bro strider has a background. 

a statement that shouldnt be considered bold or cancelable.

let me start of by saying that this is an explanation NOT an excuse for his actions. Bro strider is abusive yes, that is not the argument, but HE doesnt think he did wrong.

pg 48 book 3 “in round 1 of daves strife with bro, he warms up against his old puppet sparing buddy, lil cal. bro operates cal so fast you cant see him. it is suggested this is a pretty common battle routine for the strider brothers, an extreme training regime to prepare dave for battle. its almost like bros training him to face the last boss. or it would be if the last boss had the slightest thing to do with this creepy puppet,which of course is preposterous.”

bro knew dave was coming before he was even born which we know since he was waiting with a pair of tiny shades for the meteor carrying dave. 

he orders an extra copy of the game not for himself but for dave just to make sure he can get in the game because he KNOWS that the end is coming. 

the first thing he does besides joke around and train with dave is save his life by cutting the meteor in half and then upon entering the game he instantly goes to the biggest boss he can find to fight so dave will be safer. 

bro is influenced and corrupted by lil cal. cal from day one is a juju containing the soul of caliborn, gamzee, and arquiussprite. the cal that bro has is a future version of the cal that dirk goes to earth with and an even MORE future version of the cal in daves nightmares. cal is corrupt and corrupts and controls those around him. He can move when bro isnt alive or around because he can have YOU move him. he has bro, dave, and gamzee move him in canon, dave not even realizing hes doing it himself. not even bec nior can turn away from cals influence as he disposes all the “trophies” except him as cal needs to move along to “hatch” so he has bec keep him. doc scratch literally calls him “the most important character is homestuck” even caliborn calls the evil puppet for what it is by telling alphadirk to chuck him out as he is a “nightmare who curses all who live in the same universe as it” 

staring into cals eyes brings out insanity (as seen by both gamzee and jack doing this) this is why bro and dave wear shades. it protects them from the puppet which he is tasked to protect and serve by fate. 

even dave calls out the puppet for being a large factor in bros personality on page 7749 of homestuck

DAVE: i guess it didnt help either that we lived with what we have come to understand may theoretically be the most evil doll to exist in any universe ever DAVE: in fact its my tenuous understanding that he came down to earth with that thing and like actually grew up with it DAVE: maybe... DAVE: maybe spending 30 some years being unseparable from that hell puppet had some effect on him?? DAVE: maybe if it hadnt been casting a pall over our apartment 24/7 since he took me in...

according to the skaianet documents: “He(jake) just set up an infant from the sky named Dirk(bro) down in Texas with a trust fund, setting him on a path to be of use to the company.” proving that bro grows up knowing about the game and is influenced by cal and HIC to get ppl to enter the game so she may take over. 

Bro cares about dave. Bro loves him truly, he just doesnt know how to do it correctly. a big part of his story resonates with people that were forced to help raise their siblings and ended up being the bad guy since the parent who should of been raising the kids never taught them how to do it correctly. bro was just a year or two over 20 when dave landed (hes 32/33 when dave is 13 according to hussie) he was not trained on how to raise a kid (not to mention all of dirk and bro is autism coded so most of his problems correlate with that) he was only trained to fight and to train others to fight. and so thats what he did. 

[mxtantrights]

Steve Rogers, they failed you.

this is gonna be a rant. This will include spoilers at the end for The Falcon and The Winter Solider. (I WILL PUT A READ MORE BEFOR IT! BE WARNED) just based on what's happening in the first episode. 

what the writers in Endgame did to Steve Rogers was character assassination. To the point where I really don’t care what happens to him as he is now (old man). I only care about how this effects the characters who care about him like, Sam, Bucky and Sharon. The writers disregarded his whole arc which was about being a man OUT of time and being able to move forward / move on. His arc also included Bucky (like for his trilogy Bucky played a noticeable role in all films it would be dumb to say he isn’t) Steve committed crimes, fought his friends, almost killed his teammate, etc. for this man and somehow I’m supposed to accept that, yeah he’ll go back in time to live out this weird crush fantasy?

Not only is it erasing his whole arc, it’s making Steve out, the person who has lost so much and sacrificed so much, to be an actual simp (derogatory). It’s making him out to be so selfish that he goes back in time to live out a fantasy with a woman who told him on her death bed to move on. (She also told him she had a family, and don’t come in here and say it was him all along because you know his ending was not hatched out during civil war!!)

Think about the logistics for a moment. If he goes back in time and stays there, then he knows things that are going to happen. (I’m not sure if he would or wouldn’t just revert to that ‘timeline’ or whatever later on) He knows what happening to Bucky. He knows what's going to happen to Tony’s Parents. He knows about the CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT??? He knows way too much to not do something about it / take part in it. So here’s my take... whatever timeline he jumped to, he ends up changing a lot of shit. Think of it as Steve going on a ‘fix it’ mission. He’s able to do all the things he didn't do. This is the only thing that I can use to justify Steve Rogers abandoning his friends at the moment. 

His ‘ending’ also makes no sense to me bc I feel like Peggy Carter would shut his ass down FAST. I’m not saying Steve shouldn’t have went back in time to return the stones. I’m not saying he shouldn't have had that last moment with Peggy. But I think it would’ve been greater to see him have a moment (NOT A WHOLE ASS LIFE) in the past. To be able to say goodbye to that and MOVE ON. 

This also would legitimize him passing the shield to Sam. I feel like him coming back an old man just kinda offered up this excuse as to why Sam would take over. ‘Steves old, so it goes to someone else now’. I feel like, if Steve came back (the same age) and gave it to Sam it would solidify that he’s done, because he’s CHOOSING to be. Not because he’s old and he can’t (physically) anymore. And if he was being selfish in THAT way, I could live with it. I could understand his character more.

SPOILER WARNING -

-

-

At the end of the first episode we find out that Sam has been DUPED. He gave up the shield because 1) he thought he couldn’t fit it and 2) the Smithsonian wanted it. ONLY to find out that - nah they were just racist. They wanted a white Captain America. Only a white man can fill this role in their eyes. (Which isn’t that surprising, but to see it actually play out , with the added fact that Steve is an old man now, is insane)

If Steve didn’t stay back in time, he could’ve spoken tf up about it. He could have came out explicitly against this. It’s common knowledge that he gave the shield to Sam, especially after the speech Sam gave in this episode. So there has to be some outrage by some people that saw that happen (outside of Sam, Sarah, Bucky, etc.) IMAGINE THE OUTRAGE THERE WOULD’VE BEEN IF THE ‘FIRST’ CAP SPOKE AGAINST THIS! 

AND THATS WHY I HATE HIS ENDING!!! Steve Rogers wouldn’t have given up like this, especially when it came it his friends. He left Bucky to grow old alone, and he left Sam to fend against the very government that they knew was shady and twisted. I’m not saying Steve doesn’t deserve to be selfish. But I think we know enough about him (from his trilogies) to know that he wouldn’t have done it like this.

I'm still gonna watch the falcon and the winter solider (duh) but let it be known that if we get some type of funeral scene for Steve I really won't care. I’ll just re-watch TWS or something.

if you made it all the way to the end , thank you for listening to my ramblings. I love Steve Rogers (from first avenger to infinity war). And I can’t wait till we officially get Sam as Cap. ( LETS GOO SAMMY!!!)

[spotsupstuff]

Im feeling soft as hell and Broken Shield simply wont fucking leave me alone, which Im not strong enough to fight bc Im having the time of my life, so some facts about WonWan!Tiso overall and few about his relationship with Broo:

Hes really bad with relationships. Like, even back home, in his colony, he didnt get to have too many friends

He managed to have only one friend that he hung around almost all the time with (Spencer ;) ) who I dont have anything on yet, except the fact that they were much more responsible than Tiso and knew him since they hatched

One day the colony got raided or something, Tiso tried to prove himself as a capable amazing warrior. And how the tropes go, Spencer gets killed in the process of saving Tisos ass

Tiso, quite frankly absolutely destroyed from such loss, makes himself a shield out of Spencers armor and writes a note for himself: “In memory of Spencer, dont forget”

The name at some point gets scratched out and he forgets. I might do a story once about him remembering again and journeying back home to investigate or smth but that is so far in the future that I cannot promise anything

Tiso leaves and enters the Wastelands. He travels for long, collects more expreriences, becomes a better fighter, even if his combat skills are focused on survival more than effectivity (such is why he gets far in the Colosseum, but then gets his ass kicked by the Mawlek)

His social skills are pretty much shit and he knows this, but tries to ignore it bc “strong warriors dont need companions”

His story arc in WonWan during Ghosts journey through Hallownest is the same, except the Trial of Fool - he does it with Ghost by his side (against his will)

Thats how he manages not to die, too. Ghost beats God Tamer and then races to stop the bugs that run the whole place from throwing him into Kingdoms Edge

He ends up living in Dirtmouth and after the infection passes, Myla moves in with him and they become these awkward as hell roomies (their house ends up being right next to the siblings)

And now for Broken Shield -jazz hands-

They stay friends for FUCK ALL LONG before developing their relationship further

Like they even start pining after each other at some point a bit, but both of them are like “no, I can NOT feel that towards him/them, theres just no fucking way”

Hollow was the only one who could see this and HAD prodded Brooks about it so they kind of ended up as their counselor which somehow worked out kinda okay

They fought together in the Colosseum and actually won all the trials before admitting their feelings for each other (Broo taught Tiso a bit about fights so his skills got more refined)

Right to that: they admit they want to be together after they get surprised attacked by some bugs- idk man- and Broo ends up pushing themselves too much and almost dies again bc of their heart going “no, thanks, Im quitting this bullshit”

Tiso carries them home for Ghost to fix and the falls asleep at their side (WonWan discord yall know what Im talkin bout ;) ). After Broo wakes up- and just stares at him for a while- they wake him up, too. He kinda breaks down and lets himself be truly vulnerable to them. Fluff ensues and then they admit they want to be partners. They proceed to fall asleep in each others arms

Nothing much changes at first, maybe they just stand closer next to each other, maybe they arent so afraid/embarrassed to lean against the other

Broo makes the first steps to make the relationship feel more natural. They pull Tiso along to learn their sign language more intensely (he isnt against it at all- he might have needed a moment when he understood multiple sentences for the first time to stabilize himself and not cry like a lil grub). They make it a point to tell him often how much they love him and dont expect him to say it back for quite long time. They figured it must be harder for him bc of smth in his past

At some point Brooks moves in with Tiso and Myla and its incredible fun and the amount of times Myla laughed bc of them or schooled them in something are incredible. Shes very supportive of their relationship and tries to offer good advice whenever one of them needs it

They get comfortable with each other both really slowly and a bit too fast at the same time. Once they get finally going, they often end up holding each other or just nuzzling close, especially in their free time. After 8pm its cuddles time!!!

Bonus, both Tiso and Myla often find Brooks doing this shit when they say they are going to cook dinner:

[mousehole5000]

wow i made this draft on november 1st i really took a break from this huh anyway tgcf chapters 121 - 142

i realize now this coffin scene was inevitable. feel kinda weird about hua cheng  back and forth from Teen to Big Man but it is very funny that theyre having their “dude dont look at my boner” moment while in the jaws of a water dragon

pei ming: why didnt you guys make a bigger coffin so you didnt have to squish together like that? xie lian: haha yep!! anyways what brings you here?

“In the grand, spacious centre of the entrance hall sat a person. And this person, dressed in all black, its face snow-white—was a corpse! Instantly Xie Lian shut the doors soundly.” - king of minding his own business.

okay this is where i stopped putting notes here for a while but i did save some in my e-reader so here’s some of the highlights

“Guzi used to have a good sleeping form, but perhaps with his cheap dad’s bad influence, now he was also spread out on top of Qi Rong’s stomach like a dead fish. Lang Ying himself was curled neatly in the corner, and was covered by a few shirts. Xie Lian lifted the blanket covering Qi Rong, suppressed the urge to smother his face, and covered the two small children.” - xie lian funny moments. also it would be really funny if qi rong redeems himself by learning love through these misfit chiildren and it might actually endear me to him but i hope that doesnt happen

Every heavenly official was yelling, and even Ling Wen was throwing a fit. “DON’T THROW EVERY BIT OF USELESS INFORMATION MY WAY, HOW MUCH DO YOU THINK I HAVE TO GO THROUGH EVERY DAY? DON’T YOU ALL KNOW TO USE YOUR BRAINS A LITTLE BEFORE ASKING ME?!” - ling wen marry me right now

“An expression like “seen a ghost” that only mortals experienced was now showing on his face for the first time. Shi Wudu’s pupils shrank to the smallest they could, and he blurted, “You’re still alive?!” “I’m dead!” He Xuan said coldly.” - okay everythings going tits up rn but i did laugh

i did see spoilers re: ming yi/he xuan reveal + shi wudu’s fate beforehand so i dont have a genuine reaction other than oh shit

“He slowly enunciated each word. “I won’t touch your fate. But, here in this place, chop off your brother’s head for me.”  CLANG! He threw a rusty blade onto the ground. Shi Qingxuan stared at that blade, his eyes wide. He Xuan continued, “Then, never show yourself before me again, and I will pretend you’ve never existed in this world.” - okay idk what else is going to happen but rn im concerned that this is like the 2nd biggest ship. i guess we’ll see?? i mean i am really curious whats going to happen to them. shi qingxuan keeps calling he xuan “ming-xiong” and i... sad

shi wudu im not really invested in you as a character but these next two bits... interesting

“If I don’t die but have nothing, then that’s truly a fate worse than death. If I’m not the Water God, I can’t take care of you. I won’t even be able to protect myself. I’m scared that we won’t even last two days…TAKE IT!” - damn. something about the wealthy losing everything and not knowing how to live without it bc thats their entire life and identity

“EVERYTHING I HAVE TODAY, I FOUGHT FOR MYSELF. I WILL FIGHT FOR WHAT I DON’T HAVE. I WILL CHANGE FATE I DON’T POSSESS. MY FATE IS UP TO ME AND NOT THE HEAVENS!” - okay so the whole committing spiritual fraud by tormenting a man and his family to get your brother a cushy title thing aside this was kind of badass. heretical? possibly. but still. also is he intentionally riling up he xuan so sqx doesnt have to kill him? if so damn...

also okay as long as im here im just gonna say it. the choice that he xuan gives shi qingxuan is fucking brutal but i actually think its probably as fair as it could be. sqx didnt know about or participate in what happened to hx but they did benefit from it greatly while hx lost EVERYTHING and i can understand he xuan’s thinking of “if you really feel bad for what happened to me then you have to make a sacrifice and understand the suffering and this is as clean as its going to get” and theres a bit where sqx is trying to beg for mercy but cant get the words out which im guessing is bc theres no good argument!! what happened was fucked up!!

“When Pei Ming saw that reinforcements had arrived, he didn’t appear particularly delighted; instead he threw the sword into the ground, then rubbed his nose and said, sounding grim, “You all just had to come just as I finished making these, what the heck.” - pei ming making coffins chopping down trees with his sword i love it #wastehistime2k17

“Xie Lian brought that basket of eggs along, and gave them away as souvenirs from the mortal realm. Many who received the eggs were overjoyed; some deciding to eat it along with their own blood, and some proclaiming they would hatch an eight-foot monster.” - GHOST CITY GHOST CITY

“Placing the brush down, he blew lightly at the ink and smiled. “If I like something, then my heart will not have room for any other, and I’ll always treasure it. A thousand times, a million times, no matter how many years, this will not change. This poem is the same." - thats nice and all but king... get therapy. i actually have further thoughts but tbh i dont want to put them into words bc they are simply too personal! moving on

didnt take any notes but somewhere in here was the bit with mount tong’lu opening and hua cheng losing it and kind of um. hm. that scene. thats another trope i really hate tbh i dont care for it as a way of including physical intimacy between characters and idk if it really ever adds anything but whatever moving on

The Half-Maquillage Woman - kind of interesting monster idea bc women and aging…. yeah. however i think this would be a lot stronger if there were a) more girls and this was b) discussed or illustrated at all prior to this moment. still interesting that its included knowing the author is a woman tho and there’s been comments on how ling wen is perceived vs pei ming. this book does keep giving me hope for interesting female character arcs i really want it to deliver something

quan yizhen..... i get u

lmao i have a note on a bit with lang ying that says “please dont be hc in disguise” and..... my clown nose was on but at least i knew that. for real this is bothering me how much he’s just. always. there. i know he’s a lead but we didn’t really need him around for a lot of this. oh well.  okay now to my current notes

“Yet it was precisely because it wasn’t cooked that it had to be eaten quickly. Once Xie Lian cooked it, it wouldn’t be edible anymore” - fucking fantastic

“Xie Lian hugged his belly. “Of course! Only after having met you did I rediscover that it’s such a simple thing to be happy, hahaha…” Hearing this, Hua Cheng blinked. Xie Lian’s laughter quieted a bit, realizing what he just said was a little too revealing.” - okay i know i said what i said about being tired of hua cheng being everywhere but... the line…. the fact that theyre laughing together…. :pleading:

“It’s not,” Ling Wen said. “At least, I believe, there will definitely not be another in history who can create a dish called ‘Incorruptible Chastity Meatballs’” - and truer words were never spoken

“I, DO NOT WORSHIP GODS. “I, AM GOD!” - this was every bit as badass as i hoped but no one told me it was immediately followed up by a little bit of the ol dinner theater fjalkdsfjsd. also puqi shrine noooooooooo

“Xie Lian sighed as he thought, “Qi Rong has taken Guzi away, who knows if the poor child was eaten or abandoned. Wind Master...... ..... who knows if Black Water took him away. Pray they’re both safe.” yeah hey are we going to fucknig. find out what happened to the child???

and yeah i dooooont really care for the age regression? thing thats going on. i just dont like that trope tbh. but tiny hua cheng whipping out his fat ghost king wallet in the store was funny tho. it is really funny that hualian are just like wandering around some random towns while the heavens are in an uproar. i guess theres not much else to do but its funny

“Me too, me too. You all know of my shixiong, right? Talented, with an infinite future! He only had one small vice: he loved playing women. Decades ago, a little prostitute ghost seduced my shixiong and sucked him dry into human jerky, and that Hua, Hua, Hua, that ghost king dared shelter her.” - yes omg give me the forbidden hua cheng lore i love this for him for real it goes along nicely with xie lian’s principles about giving another cup. god i love shared values

“Hua Cheng poked again, and a small hole appeared on the wall, as if the wall was made of tofu.” - how’d he do that. why is this a ghost king power. its useful tho

*me shaking qi rong when he pops up* WHERE IS THE CHILD

mu qing fu yao is here okay im happy now. once again no one has a good grasp on their secret identity and i love that. this inn has descended into chaos and im delighted and im glad lan chang is back

“The good ol’ kitchen was suddenly squished and crowded, loud and noisy. Fu Yao was chasing that fetus spirit leaping up and down, Lan Chang was chasing after Fu Yao like she had gone mad. Half of Qi Rong’s face changed shape by the way Xie Lian was pressing him down on the chopping board, his back turning into a target for those yellow talismans Fu Yao hurled while being observed by a crowd, and Lan Chang would step on him from time to time.” - this is pure chaos. i love that mu qing was in that room when the mob checked and he didnt say a word didnt open the door just sent out a talisman as a warning. king your disguise is transparent

“Xie Lian remembered the way Feng Xin laughed until he was hoarse when he first heard that verbal password all those years back, and couldn’t help but feel nostalgic, even though it wasn’t the right time.” - awwwww omg im emotional about this... faithful friend feng xin laughing at xie lian’s stupid joke password and remembering it!!! ;_;

“They have, but they’re not effective,” Feng Xin said. “Usually they’re the most diligent in scorning the Palace of Ling Wen, like they could do the job way better if they had the position. Now that we need them to take up the task, not a single one can do even half of what she does.” - typical... typical typical typical

also emotional about the fact that feng xin contacted xie lian at all.....

also!! emotional about lan chang as a mom and wanting to help out sick lil guzi.....

xie lian forcing “fu yao” to let him help “his general” is making me.... what is friendship if not playing along with your buddies little shenanigans while also making them accept your help

“Someone like Mu Qing, even though he’s narrow-minded, petty, sensitive and skeptical, has a bad personality, constantly guessing, doesn’t say nice things, likes to nag, always offending people and has a lot of people who dislike him, has no friends, can remember small, unimportant details for a long period of time…” ”Xie Lian went on in one breath with a straight face, but in the end he concluded with, “...But I’ve known him since we were kids, after all, he’s still got principles.” - XIE LIAN PLEASE AFJDLKSFJDL omg ive seen this quote before but i figured he was talking to someone else not actually to mu qing himself fgjasdkfjsl. god thats amazing. hey im gonna help you out because i care but i will roast you first <3

waaaaaait so is lan chang aka jian lan that girl from book 2 we took a page to talk about and then disappeared? that has to be it why else would we have stopped to discuss her

“Jian Lan spat on his face, then choking his neck, she slapped him twice again. “WHAT SHITTY SUPREME! YOU SURE KNOW HOW TO BLOW YOURSELF UP! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, THINK YOU’RE EVEN WORTH TO BE THOUGHT OF AS EQUALS WITH THE OTHER THREE SUPREMES? WHAT ARE YOU EVEN GOOD AT? YOUR THICK SKIN? OF COURSE I DARE HIT YOU!” - oh this feels so good i cant lie. YES GET HIM!! CHOMPING AND VIOLENCE YES!!!!

okay this description of cuocuo.... im... that sure the hell is a creature

this book is so entertaining bc i already saw spoilers for the feng xin/jian lan/cuo cuo reveal and yet i could never have predicted the circumstances that brought it about. imagine being feng xin. the heavens are in an uproar and your only friend/enemy has been jailed for possible fetus spirit-related crimes but he escapes along with this female ghost who keeps causing problems. you figure “fuck it lets see if dianxia kept his old phone number” and he has but then he hangs up on you. you’ve got fuckall else to do so you go find him. mu qing is there but he’s in his disguise the two of you were using so you could watch over his highness while staying aloof. you think you see hua cheng only he’s a chiild for some goddamn reason but who knows at this point. the female ghost is also there and theres a fetus spirit climbing trees and biting your arrows in half. you realize the female ghost is your ex and the little demon is your son. it bites you. what do you do

amazing that despite everything going on everyone is still playing along with the “fu yao” persona when it would probably be easier to drop pretenses at this point. then again tbh if i could explain my actions to my friends while pretending to be a third party.... i probably would so.. carry on

“With all his devotees gone, only Feng Xin still treated him like the Flower-Crowned Martial God and His Highness the Crown Prince. ” “...his protection charms were all seen as trash. However, Feng Xin was still determined and tireless in handing them out; telling Xie Lian, look, you still have devotees.” “After all, he was the darling of the heavens since birth, high and mighty. Feng Xin so naturally spun around him like he was the world, so how could he possibly have his own life, his own heart” “Whether or not that fetus spirit was Feng Xin’s son, if it was that period of poverty that made Feng Xin lose the girl he loved, Xie Lian wouldn’t be able to forgive himself no matter what." ohhhh my god this relationship i. im...

oh my god i still have 30 more chapters until book 4............ its naptime now i think

[acrobaticcatfeline]

Of Books, Brothers, and Broadway (Creativitwins College AU) Chapter One!!!

Word Count: 1771

TW: So Remus, obviously, swearing, ocean mentions, sea creatures and reptiles, and I think that’s it!

Pairings: None yet. This chapter is just a ton of platonic creativitwins!

Notes: This is three pages that I wrote last night. I’m now at ten pages of this. I don’t know what I was possessed by but I’m not about to complain. Its a college AU, I mention it I think, but Roman is a theatre major and Remus is a marine biology major with a minor in creative writing. I’m excited for you guys to see more of this!

Summary: “Bro!!! Bro I found a giant ass lizard in the yard look at it bro!!!” Roman and Remus Reyes live together. They figured it would be cost effective to do so while in college. Roman deals with Remus’ reptiles and fish tank, Remus deals with Romans singing at 3 in the morning. They’ve had an interesting relationship, and when Remus reminds Roman of a deal they made years ago, hes ready to start crying. Can a couple of kids from Florida make a Broadway musical?

“Bro!!! Bro I found a giant ass lizard in the yard look at it bro!!!”

Roman was done with his brothers bullshit. He doesn't know where he got the bright idea that the two of them should cohabitate in an apartment during college, but as he panickedly climbs onto the kitchen counters to escape him he knows he must've been on some sort of drug. He released a scream as he backed into the corner of the room as his brother held out a lizard that was definitely going to jump and attack him.

“GET IT AWAY!!! ITS SLIMY AND GROSS AND MALICIOUS!!!”

“This little guy malicious? Nah bro, that's a you problem. He's so cuteeee look at his scales they’re almost a holographic!”

That caught Roman's attention. He stopped panicking to actually look at the critter in his brother's hands. Remus was right, he was almost holographic. Roman gave it a weak smile and Remus beamed.

“See? It's not that scary! I'm gonna keep him! He's gonna be named fred!”

Roman chuckled softly as his brother finally left and brought the lizard to his room. He slipped off the counter and followed at a safe distance.

“Don't you think you have enough reptiles? If you keep getting more you'll need more heat lamps and i'm giving you more of the electric bill”

“Ok fair point but hear me out, have you ever seen a collared lizard quite as colorful as this one? I mean he's such a pretty one aint he?”

Roman took more steps forward, relaxing once the lizard was placed in the terrarium. The lizard was quite colorful, and Roman couldn't deny, it was one of the prettiest ones Remus had captured. It immediately scurried around and dived into the water bowl. Roman laughed at it.

“Besides, he was just begging to be brought in! Like really this time! He kept bumping into my feet, he started climbing my pants leg, it was so cute you should've seen it!”

“I'm sure I would have cried.”

Remus chuckled as he moved to the other wall of his room covered in a giant aquarium that Roman was still amazed fit through the doors. Remus grinned at all the fish swimming around, tipping a good portion of fish food into the tank after turning off the filter. He then made his way to his bed and sat on the twin sized mattress covered with octopus blankets. He grinned at his brother and Roman rolled his eyes.

“When are you finally kidnapping an octopus huh?”

“I'm glad you asked! You know my internship right?”

“Of course, the only time you don't talk about the marine institute is when youre talking about your reptiles”

Remus popped up and grabbed Roman's wrist and dragged him to the whiteboard calendar that hung on the outside of his door, pointing excitedly at tomorrow's date while bouncing on his toes.

“Well they just got an octopus buddy in that needs constant care that they don't have the time for! She's real fucked up, she needs meds twice a day, she needs to be hand fed, its a real fucked up case, they were rescued from a seaworld copycat, the poor thing hasn't been healthy since it hatched we think. There's a chance that she won't even be able to be released cuz she's been so dependent on humans for her whole life. But they opened up for applicants, and I was the only one willing to take her in. they're coming and checking my tank tomorrow and if it is good enough, which i'm certain it will be, and then they'll hand her over and i’ll be her caretaker!”

Roman grinned at the excitement his brother had. He ruffled his hair quickly.

“That's cool rem. I'm happy for you. She got a name?”

“Mhmm! Her name is Cephanie! But I've been calling her Cephy. She's so pretty ro, i can't wait for you to meet her! And she's so friendly!”

“You know every day I get less confused at your choice in major. And more confused about your minor”

Remus grinned at Roman and released his wrist, skipping over to their kitchen, relishing in the fact that Roman followed still. He poured himself a cup of coffee and jumped onto the counter with a grin still plastered to his face. He took a sip from his mug, the one with a tentacle handle, and kicked his feet.

“I don't know why! It's totally sensical to have a minor in creative writing ro! It's not like you can expect me to be your playwright if i don't know what i'm doing! Besides, i can write epic lovecraftian horrors that aren't incredibly racist and who doesn't want that?”

Roman blinked. He had to process what Remus had said and he was still confused. His head tilted like a dogs.

“My playwright?”

Remus giggled, it was funny when Remus giggled, it wasn't a sound that you would expect to come out of him. And yet he did it often.

“Did you forget? Aw ro, you can't back out on it now, you asked me when we were still in middle school to write you a book for a musical, and you were gonna write the music and you kept saying you were gonna get it on broadway. I've held up my end of the deal! In fact, I actually have a story started, I think you're gonna love it! Course, i haven't written it all out yet, it's gonna be my final”

“Wait, you remembered that? Rem we were like 10!”

“And now we’re 21, what's your point?”

“We, we can't get on broadway! We’re a couple of idiots from florida! I’m, i'm not a musician, I'm barely even a dancer, what are you talking about? That was a fever dream from a couple of kids, it's not like we can actually do it!”

Remus frowned. He set his mug of coffee down and hopped off of the counter. He crossed his arms over his chest and gave Roman a serious look.

“Do you know when lin manuel miranda wrote his first broadway musical?”

“No i-”

“His sophomore year of college. Who says we can't do the same? Roman you under sell your talents. You're a theatre major, you may not be amazing at any instruments other than your voice but damn bro, your voice is good enough on its own. I've seen you dance, you're one of the best dancers i've ever seen and you're in your fourth year of college. We have potential. I know we can do this if we try, but i can't make it happen alone. I need your help”

Roman looked lost. He wanted, oh so desperately he wanted, to make it happen. It had always been a dream of his to make it to broadway, but he wasn't wrong, they weren't lin manuel miranda, they were some twins from florida, they had no idea what they were doing. And yet. And yet he held out his hand to his brother.

“Ok. ok, we can try this. I can, I can make a score. We can do this”

Remus grinned again and took Roman's hand. He tugged him into the living room. He sat on the couch, pulling out his notebook and flipping to a bookmarked page. Roman sat next to him and looked over at it. There were a few doodles around a plotline that was both gorey and Romantic a la sweeney todd but also quite similar to ella enchanted. Remus grinned at the book and then started explaining.

“Ok so the main character, played by you presumably, is an author”

“Did you just write out your personal fantasy Remus?”

“No, shut up! Ok so he's written several books, like neil gaiman or terry pratchet level several, but those aren't all the stories he's made, he has several stories that have never seen the light of day. He writes his stories in notebooks and journals ordinarily, waiting until they’re fully developed to make them digital. In one of these notebooks there lies a bit of magic. So he writes in this unknowingly, writes of a powerful magician, and as he sleeps it awakes. The magician escapes and brings each of his hundreds of creations to life just the same as him. The characters run amok and the author awakes to see the most beautiful man he's ever met at the foot of his bed. It takes him seeing the magician running through his home to realize that these are his characters. And the man is the protagonist from his most famous novel, one he wrote as a guilty pleasure, writing of a man he had met in his dreams. And he finds that these characters were pulled from different points in their books. The character had been pulled from the early pages, after he had suffered a major trauma and had no clue of the powers he possessed. So now, with his dream man in his living room, in pain from an event he had written, and gifted with emotionally driven powers, he has to fix this mess with the added hurdle of the character creating villains and fiends ready to destroy humanity as a whole with no way to stop. Along the way, some of his characters suffer mortal wounds at the hands of heinous and violent creatures, and all the author has is one magic notebook to fight them off. Romantic plot between the author and dream MC, with angst from the reality of once everything is dealt with, he will have to go back to the book. Thats what ive got so far, what do you think?”

Roman is starry eyed. It's far less violent than Remus’ normal brand of writing, it doesn't inherently include any sea monsters or snake men, and it's something Roman can really appreciate. He loves it, he can already feel the gears turning for songs and dances. Now that he heard the actual story instead of just going on the drawings, he saw far more nutcracker vibes from it. 

“Oh, and there's a happy ending or whatever that the author gets to like, marry the other MC, and everyone lives happily ever after. I know you like the cutesy shit”

“Remus this is amazing! I can't believe I hesitated, I already have some ideas for the score! Remus you're a genius. I love you!”

Roman launched into a hug with Remus, which had the other laughing. Remus hugged him back.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

It was Roman's turn to turn into a giggling mess.

Taglist: @fivebyfive-finebyfive @tacohippy56900 @analogical-mess @crookedlyoptimisticdestiny @angels-and-dreams @fandomloverangel

Let me know if you want to be tagged in my writing!!!

Thank you for reading I will see you later ladies lords and nonbinary royalty!!!

[eggcats]

tbh im still fucking salty nintendo made it so only sumo/ultra sumo can be connected online JUST to fuck up my specialty shiny breeding/rare seed giving from x

[momestuck]

Epilogues: Meat ch 1-8 [Epilogue 1]

I’m eating so you get one more of these before I try to salvage a bit of work from today.

We’ve read through the whole of the ‘Candy’ branch of the story. It went places! Spoilers for it below.

Somehow Jane turned into a fascist dictator, Karkat became a heroic resistance leader, a whole lot of ships were made and broken, Dirk killed himself but somehow it was fake (???), John went through multiple existential crises and a failed marriage, Jade destroyed Dave and Karkat’s relationship but ultimately got with Dave, Gamzee was brought back to perform a ‘redemption arc’ and was generally awful but ultimately ended up getting sexually assaulted and then murdered by Vriska, let’s not forget that the cast had three entire fucking babies and one of them ran into her own namesake... and Obama was there. And that’s not even covering all of it...

But that was all in a universe that was ‘inconsequential’; it was in a bubble disconnected from ‘canon’, spread out on the event horizon.

Now we wind the clock back, and consider what happens if John chooses on that day to go forth, recruit a group of other selves from elsewhere in Paradox Space, and fight Lord English, as ‘canon’ dictates he eventually must...

Chapter 1

This one is in second person, and features narrative prompts, which was also true of the first chapter of Candy.

This time, John eats the meat in a really gross way, manages to not puke everywhere, says awkward goodbyes, writes a bunch of letters, and fucks off back into Canon(TM).

Not a lot to say about that! P much what we expected. Wonder where he’s gonna end up?

Chapter 2

I pretty much expected them to dive straight into Canon, but no, in fact similar plots as the first one seem to be abrew. We meet Dave and Karkat - no Jade here, this time - as Dave breaks the news of Jane’s presidential bid.

So, Dave proposes, Karkat should run against her. Which was a possibility floated in the other story... it does feel rather like, at this point, whatever V said, I might have read them in the wrong order.

Dave brings up Obama as a reason he’d want to see a good president - Obama who, in Dave’s timeline, got killed by meteors before he could ‘fix the economy’. Which I guess makes his appearance in the other branch a little less of a non-sequitur, though still fucking weird don’t get me wrong!

DAVE: or maybe not... maybe there was like an escape hatch in the white house that led to his own secret presidential session of sburb

DAVE: what if hes just chillin there now

KARKAT: DAVE, I THINK WE’VE COVERED YOUR “OBAMA’S SECRET SESSION OF SBURB” THEORY WELL ENOUGH ALREADY.

So the Obama chapter was all payoff for a very long term brick joke? This is not the revelation I expected to be having in Meat.

Anyway, Dave basically explains how scary it is to have the human government in charge of troll reproduction, echoing Karkat’s words back at him. Apparently the way the whole weird eugenic system got put in place was that, before Kanaya arrived with the Mother Grub, the government reproduced trolls exclusively ectobiologically.

The other issue is... The Economy. We get a little note that, indeed, this is an alchemy-based post-scarcity economy:

DAVE: ok if shit goes sideways i guess we arent gonna see like raggedy turtles and pauper chess men standing in bread lines or anything

DAVE: thats just the nature of alchemy-based post-scarcity economies the depressions tend to be pretty mild

DAVE: but it will still be bad

DAVE: a healthy economy is fuckin IMPORTANT

DAVE: if for no other reason than it protects the societal context for what it means to be fucking rich, like us

So uh what do they spend money on... I guess there’s services, those can’t be alchemised (except for the fact that ludicrously advanced robotics exists?). someone actually has to work the alchemizer...

Anyway most of this chapter is... electoral strategy.

DAVE: consorts overwhelm the other kingdoms in sheer numbers but due to unscrupulous gerrymandering, all kinds of fucked up voter suppression policies and some electoral “counterbalancing” measures to account for their ridiculous population growth rate their voting power per capita is kind of pathetic

DAVE: also its hard to drive turnout

DAVE: this may come as a shock but legions of easily distracted low information amphibians primarily concerned with eating bugs and farming god damned mushrooms arent the most politically motivated demographic

The chapter ends with Dirk calling Dave... to... cut off his head. Yeah. That joke again.

OK, this sure is a direction. Welcome to Homestuck Electoralism Edition I guess. They probably won’t have quite as many kids?

Chapter 3

John apparently has a specific list of retcon interventions, apopros of Rose. The first is to appear on the battleship during the three year journey in the non-canon, pre-retcon timeline, open a fridge containing Aradia and Gamzee (god I’ve forgotten so much), and take the ring that Aradia is holding (which ring is that again?). Then, John decides to shove Gamzee back in the fridge.

> Do everyone a favor and put an end to his preposterous narrative relevance.

You wisely decide that this clown will lend nothing valuable to the narrative whatsoever if he is allowed to remain outside of your childhood refrigerator. You put both hands on his chest and shove him into the fridge where he belongs. He goes easily, issuing only a pair of weak honks in protest. You slam the fridge shut and resolve to never think about Gamzee Makara again.

So... we’re going with that, huh.

I’ve said enough about the Gamzee Issue already perhaps. But I guess I thought they were going to do more than to bring Gamzee back mostly to mock the idea of ‘redemption arcs’, and ‘punish’ him some more for being a bad character.

Chapter 4

John interrupts two other retcon-Johns, one trying to cancel out the other, a Dave, and a grimbark Jade during some of the shit that happened when Jade got mind controlled or whatever... it’s been a long time...

Dave’s the first recruit, along with Jade. John gives him a rather half-assed explanation about why, after several years of ‘boring adult lives’, they need to go and fight Lord English now.

Chapter 5

Back to the real story: Dave and Karkat’s electoral bid.

Dirk has apparently been... playing the heel in televised rap battles to Jake’s face so that Jake’s endorsement of Jane’s political candidacy would be more effective. Yeah.

Also he disagrees with Dave on fiscal policy. The cad.

He has a rather weird conversation of alternately discouraging and encouraging Dave and Karkat’s opposition. Then, to round out the chapter, V and Cephied deliver... an entire stanza of Jake’s rap. Oh boy.

At the end, Dirk... tranquilizes Jake (????????) to take another call from Rose.

This is the ‘real’, ‘canon’ storyline now? Oh Homestuck.

Chapter 6

John’s assembled a group of god tier kids in his back garden. The alpha and beta kids are present, but there are no trolls.

There’s a rather uncomfortable moment (for the reader, as well as John) when young Roxy hits on adult John.

You weren’t prepared to get passively hit on by the Definitely Not Legal version of a girl you used to have a crush on at the age she was when you first met her, only a few hours after you watched the Actually Legal version of her engage in passionate hand-holding with her possibly aromantic skeleton alien monster girlfriend.

‘Legal’, really!

Anyway, John feels rather strained watching this rather rushed rehash of the reunion scenes from the original comic. He wonders about the ethics of all this...

You wonder. Do you see these teen versions of your friends as “real”? Are you treating them, at Rose’s behest, as simple puppets? Doing your part to insist they fill friend-shaped recesses in an essential plan to stabilize all else that can be considered important, a distinction no longer applying to them? Do you care at all about whatever fate it may be that you are sentencing these children to? Are you becoming as complicit in the fatalistic evils of Paradox Space as Lord English himself? Are you becoming a monster, John Egbert?

foooof i mean he’s not wrong! let’s call them the ‘child soldiers’ from here on out...

Chapter 7

Time to catch up with Rose. We finally learn what’s wrong with her: she’s ‘ascending’, taking on the full burden of the ‘ultimate self’.

The same is also happening to Dirk, but he is somehow more resilient to it. So that’s what Obama did to Dave, huh.

Also this puts the prompt ‘Dirk: Ascend’ before his suicide in a rather different light.

The pieces are thus falling into place: this is why Dirk was building a Rosebot. Quite possibly the Dirk and Rose who were flying away from Earth C in the Candy timeline actually entered it out of this timeline, which would explain how Dirk was alive.

Chapter 8

Time to see the full events of Caliborn’s ‘Masterpiece’.

This is all Caliborn dropping an extremely corny buildup:

CALIBORN: BUT NOW. THE TIME HAS COME.

CALIBORN: FOR EVERYONE TO SHUT UP ABOUT HOW GREAT MY MASTERPIECE WAS.

CALIBORN: AND THE TIME IS NOW AT HAND...

His laughter turns into a low, cracked gurgle. It spikes towards you in waves, distorts and pitches low. He is beyond pleased with himself, and with the line he is about to deliver.

CALIBORN: FOR YOU ALL TO *BECOME* MY MASTERPIECE!

We need more organs to give that the proper level of scare chord...

End of Epilogue 1

Well that explained at least some of the wild horseshit we experienced in Candy, I guess.

So somehow this is all according to keikaku, which is to say Dirk’s design - he fancies himself as an engineer, putting each piece in its proper place. Rose isn’t entirely in on it, but she will be. We still don’t know why Dirk’s doing this, why he needs Jane to be president, why he’s ultimately going to need a new SBurb session...

As for themes and stuff... this just felt like ‘setting the board’. Rather hastily, even though it’s a full eight chapters. Compared to the emotional heft of some of the stuff that happened in Candy, anyway... this is all plot.

[abundantchewtoys]

HS Epi: Meat p21 reaction

So, Dave, huh?

Doesn't seem as if Dirk is expecting him to fall unconscious too from the looks of it.

But that doesn't mean that he might not. It depends on who's really behind the condition, Dirk or Alternate Calliope.

You'd think Dave might get called by Roxy when they can't wake Jade up, but that might happen in the latter half of the page.

It's notable that Dirk even as almost omniscient narrator seems harried to continue acknowledging certain scenes. As if he fears he might be influenced.

"DAVE: holy shit thats disgusting KARKAT: DON’T BE A FUCKING XENOPHOBE DAVE: im not being a xenophobe" Yeah Dave, be more sensitive towards the people whose body image is celestial. :P

"Karkat doesn’t respond immediately. He shuffles his feet to the edge of the outcropping they’re standing on and stares down at the brood pit, where the Mother Grub of Earth C is squelching out unfertilized jelly." :O They actually left their hive! And they're meeting up with Kanaya! So... yeah, didn't think we'd require further indulging into the reproductive cycle of trolls, we had TMI already, but here we are. :P Jelly to go into the slurry, unfertilized like fish eggs. Joy.

"No answer. This silence makes Dave actually back up for three seconds and think about what the hell just came out of his mouth." Karkat's just distracted, thinking of something else or looking for Kanaya, I suspect, but Dave goes reading too much into it.

"Dave could definitely be handling this situation with a certain measure of restraint or grace. But he’s got my genes, so he decides to handle it a different way than that." Well, Dirk did say he owned his own faults. He wasn't lying.

"DAVE: but im almost as passionate about this troll speciesism thing as i am about the economy which you may not have known is my number one" Heh, Dave's really getting worked up about this, assuming he came over poorly.

"Karkat still doesn’t answer. He’s staring real intently at the jelly." He doesn't spot any mutations, by chance?

"KARKAT: HEY DIPSHIT, SHUT UP FOR A MINUTE. KARKAT: I’M NOT IGNORING YOU BECAUSE I’M MAD. DAVE: what DAVE: that wasnt what i KARKAT: I KNOW THAT YOU PERISH LIKE A DELICATE LILAC BLOOM IN THE FUCKING DESERT IF NOT SHOWERED WITH MY VERBAL ATTENTION AT ALL TIMES. KARKAT: BUT I’M KIND OF WITNESSING THE REBIRTH OF MY ENTIRE FUCKING SPECIES RIGHT HERE. KARKAT: YOU EVER THINK THAT THIS MIGHT BE A MONUMENTAL MOMENT FOR ME?" Wow, this is actually really much more like the Karkat we're used to hearing rants from.

I can definitely understand he feels some very heavy feelings right now, since everything that happened in the A2 session and after has lead to this moment. So I'm definitely allowing Karkat a measure of solemnness, and perhaps even feeling proud and aloof at the achievement.

"Dave comes to the edge of the outcropping, standing shoulder to shoulder with Karkat as he too observes the majesty of translucent goo getting birthed out of an alien asshole." So majestic. I'm definitely getting "Mufasa showing Simba the Pride Lands" vibes from this scene. :P

"KARKAT: WHAT PART OF THIS IS DISGUSTING? KARKAT: IS IT THE SLOW DEFLATING OF ITS DISTENDED ABDOMEN? KARKAT: THE SOUND OF DOZENS OF SEGMENTED LEGS CLACKING AGAINST ITS EXOSKELETON? KARKAT: THE UNFERTILIZED SLURRY BEING SLOWLY SQUEEZED FROM ITS OVIPOSITIONAL SPHINCTER? KARKAT: IS THAT IT? IS THAT DISGUSTING TO YOU DAVE? DAVE: kind of KARKAT: ... KARKAT: YOU’RE RIGHT KARKAT: IT’S HORRIBLE" You know when people sum up three items, the third one is often the most important one. :P And yeah, I figure Karkat can still see how horrific this is even as a troll himself. We know how much he could get grossed out by Equius' sweat and strongly voiced his dissent, and this is a whole new level of excrements.

"KANAYA: Im Sorry But I Can Hear You From Down Here" Kanaya has excellent hearing, being able to discern their blabbering from all the squelching and clacking. It might the rainbow drinker abilities.

"She’s glowing. Her skin, I mean." Yes, we already established she and Rose would adopt, if they'd ever go for progeny, if Rose can be convinced. :P

"Kanaya steps out from beneath the canopy where she was doing grub science, wiping her hands on a silk cloth." It's cool to see Kanaya do such a Jade-like activity! It's actually quite logical that her kind would be well versed in biology, given their strong dependence on the grub for (biological) reproduction.

"Her mood can be politely described as pensive." ... Something might be bothering her. A lack of donations, so far? It's not as if the imperial drone system will be set again, right? Depends on how they did things on Beforus, which she might shed light on. ... Figuratively.

"DAVE: whats shaking sis KANAYA: Must You Always Call Me That DAVE: nah but it does feel pretty rad to say DAVE: like wow my sister in law is an alien how" Pffff, yeah, that's right! Well, that's the first time someone besides Calliope (and Joey) is called sis! What'd that make Karkat to Rose? :P Since he has ties to both Kanaya and Dave.

"DAVE: i love our awesome planet where everyone is free to form xenophilic family units without fear of government interference or reprisal" That's an odd thing to say, but okay.

"Karkat pauses to imitate a very common Davism that involves two hands and a double-wrist swivel. It’s an incredibly good imitation, because he sees this particular bit of body language like ten times a day." ... Does Dave make a jazz hands signal when he's trying to change the subject? :D

"KARKAT: IT’S THE STUPIDEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN AND YOU DO IT LIKE TEN TIMES A DAY." ... Is Karkat picking that up from the narration, unconsciously?

"DAVE: im dropping a beat DAVE: like im using a turntable and scratching one song into another" ... Well then, less dorky and more related to his interests than I thought.

"KARKAT: IT LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE TRYING TO FOLD LAUNDRY YOU FORGOT TO IRON." At this point both he and Dave have forgotten Kanaya's presence. :P

"KANAYA: So This Is About The Election KARKAT: AH." She was expecting them. I wonder if they'll get as much an evasive answer as Roxy and Calliope gave Jade.

"KANAYA: I Do Get The Internet Down Here" Pretty good reception though! 'The Internet', such a Kanaya-ism.

"KANAYA: I Am Impressed That You Managed To Be Seen In Front Of That Many People Without Spontaneously Bursting Into Flames" So he gave a public statement! Nice.

"KARKAT: WOW THANKS, ANOTHER VOTE OF CONFIDENCE FROM ONE OF MY DEAREST FRIENDS." Yeah, well, your speeching days are kind of behind you, and even then it was only in front of 12 people, she may or may not have a point.

"KARKAT: THIS CONDESCENSION IS REALLY RICH COMING FROM THE PERSON WHO DECIDED HER NARCISSISTIC OBSESSION WITH BEING THE ONE TO HATCH THE MOTHER GRUB WAS MORE IMPORTANT THAN NOT SEEDING OUR PLANET WITH A STOPGAP SYSTEM OF REPRODUCTION THAT WOULD CAUSE SYSTEMIC SPECIESISM TO OSSIFY INTO SOCIETY FOR 5000 YEARS." Pfff, Karkat already mentioned he discussed these topics so often with Kanaya over the phone. It'll be interesting to hear her retort.

"KANAYA: But I Do Not Think It Is Productive To Attribute These Resultant Troubles To A Single Decision Or Individual KANAYA: It Stands In The Way Of Our Efforts To Address Them KARKAT: MMNNNRRRGHHH......... DAVE: (shhhhhh)" I like this, Kanaya's right in absolving herself at least in part of the blame for the end result. Karkat is doing wonders in restraining himself from shouting. Dave is shooshing Karkat.

"KAYANA: You Know As Well As I Do That We Must Present A United Front" Yeah, that'd be best to not cause societal upheaval. But they're not doing a good job already of course, running two different campaigns.

"KANAYA: I Have Nothing But The Utmost Faith In You" ... is the new "I believe in you".

"Kanaya reaches out to put a hand on Karkat’s head. He doesn’t duck away in time, and she gives him an affectionate, matronly hair-ruffle between his horns." I love how Kanaya's motherly/sisterly feelings towards Karkat manifest sometimes. :D *pap pap good crab*

"KANAYA: While I Know That It Is Difficult For You To Take A Direct Compliment KANAYA: I Have In The Past Put My Faith In You When The Threat To Our Survival Has Been Immediate And Literal KANAYA: Its Basically Nothing To Ask Me To Do It Again Now That The Threat Is Far More ... KANAYA: *Existential*" Awww. Yeah, she always was one of his closest confidantes. Even going through with the trolling of the kids when she didn't feel like it would be that effective. And she's right, the dangers now are far more vague.

"KANAYA: Is How I Think I Shall Put It KANAYA: If We Are Going To Be Polite" ... And personal, I guess, since they come from within their own group. (Let's be honest, the trolls were a team but not a cohesive one. In that regard, the players on Earth C are far more kin.

"Dave is watching her, but Karkat’s looking contemplatively at his entwined hands. Kanaya’s right: it’s almost excruciating for him to take a completely unironic compliment, especially face-to-face, like what she just said to him. I understand this about Karkat. It’s one of the precious few things he and I have in common." Well, it stands to reason that if Karkat has a lot in common with Dave, he'd have a lot in common with Dirk too! But maybe some of those things are not part of the same set.

"We internalize and project the quality in very different ways, however, which is why I’m going to win." Here goes Dirk again, assuming he's the real leader on his side. He assumes his way of dealing with compliments will make him come off better, but he might just seem arrogant.

"KANAYA: Jane Has Been Here To Speak With Me Recently In Fact" Oh! I actually figured the issue was being discussed over the heads of the actual people impacted by a decision. ... Like is so often the case on our own Earth.

"KANAYA: You Know I Do Like Jane KANAYA: In Some Regards She Reminds Me Of A Friend We Had Who Sadly Did Not Survive Our Time On The Meteor" Feferi?

"KANAYA: She Was Unfailingly Kind To Everyone She Met But She Also Happened To Be The Heiress To The Throne Of A Vast And Bloody Empire" Aww. We didn't have much interaction between them, but it seems she held Feferi in high regard. It would have been a different empire under her. Different from Beforus as well, since the troll race had been influenced so severely by Doc Scratch and )(IC by then already.

"KANAYA: And While She Had A Lot Of Opinions On Reform She Had Already Wrenched Some Of Her Power From Our Last Empress In The Traditional Manner" Via the lusus. That might be her reasoning behind waiting until after the time skip to hatch the Grub. For the bond that would form between troll and grub. Maybe she felt she alone could handle the responsibility, or she craved a little sliver of that contact she lossed with her own custodian.

"Karkat finally looks up at the description of one of their many dead friends." Yeah, this would surely stir something with him as well.

"She rests an ear against the rise of its massive stomach, then taps the shell with two perfectly manicured fingernails." That calls back to when she got the matriorb out from her dead lusus' body.

"KANAYA: By Which I Mean That Jane Is Perfectly Pleasant And I Believe That She Has Only The Best Of Intentions KANAYA: But I Cant Shake The Feeling That Deep Inside Her Lurks The Potential For Despotism" Yeah, we know how it could have manifested in Feferi from Beforus.

"KARKAT: OKAY I GET WHY YOU GUYS KEEP CALLING JANE A CRYPTO-FASCIST KARKAT: BUT FUCKING FEFERI? SHE WAS HARMLESS. KANAYA: These Things Take Time To Gestate Karkat DAVE: damn" Dave is impressed by Kanaya's political analysis.

"KANAYA: Power Corrupts In Small Steps KANAYA: Compromises KANAYA: Concessions KANAYA: Appeasements KANAYA: And Leaders Follow The Example Set For Them KANAYA: Look At What Jane Has Modeled Herself After Already" So maybe the situation on Beforus wasn't Feferi's doing single-handedly, just a situation that grew and grew over millennia. A goal reached by means bartered over, the result corrupted in the process of achieving it.

I don't think Jane really modelled herself after the Condesce consciously, but if it's the only example of a powerful business woman she had, then of course she'd unknowingly copy some bad habits she doesn't think are bad.

"KANAYA: This Is Why I Trust You Karkat KANAYA: Because You Listen To Advice From Below And Beside You Not From Above" Plus, the Sufferer is his precedent, whether he believes in him or not. And yes, Karkat might admire achievements made by what he believes to be his betters (Vriska, Meenah, the Condesce), but he's learned not to copy their behaviour.

"DAVE: so weve got your endorsement then

She laughs, not kindly. KANAYA: Jane Offered Me “A Seat” On The “Board Of Responsible Troll Reproduction” KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK. HOW DARE SHE! KANAYA: That Is Exactly What I Said" Wow, yeah, that was definitely inconsiderate of Jane. Trolls should be the end responsible of their own reproduction, and if there's a board, there's a chairman, but as long as there's a president above either and she's human, the inequality persists.

"RECREATION SPRAWL" Troll term for park.

"KANAYA: In Case You Cant Tell I Am Actually Fucking Furious About This" Well, thanks Kanaya, I really couldn't!

"KANAYA: Our Reproduction Method Is Alien And Unfamiliar KANAYA: To A Human It Must Sound Monstrous KANAYA: Uncontrolled Even" While it wasn't, of course, there's a rhyme and reason to it. Especially considering the dangers on Alternia, a big pool of spawn to go through the trials is necessary. ... I wonder if they're going to set up new trials on Earth C, in the brooding caverns?

Come to think of it... What the grubs go through... It's kind of similar in a way to how in humans, the male sperm has to survive the trip to the egg cell.

"KARKAT: WHEN I HEAR ABOUT HOW HUMAN GRUBS CHEW THEIR WAY OUT OF THE FEMALE MATESPRIT’S ABDOMINAL HOLE BEFORE CONSUMING THE WOMB MEMBRANE IT MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT." That's... well, a different phrasing but still close to the truth. Makes us sound like birds hatching from an egg, though.

"KANAYA: I Hope That There Is At Least One Principle We Share As A Planet KANAYA: Which Is That We Must All Work To Ensure Equal Dignity And Respect For Every Species" It's sad that in real life, so many people disagree.

"KANAYA: Otherwise KANAYA: What Was This All For

The three of them stare at the floor in adorably cartoonish synchronicity. What was this all for, indeed?" It's almost as if they're looking down to the narration, acknowledging Dirk's presence. :P

"Morality is a cultural construct. It’s pure ego for any of them to believe that their personal interpretation of it will result in the most effective laws." As for your personal interpretation, Dirk? :P

"DAVE: would you be willing to say that exactly but DAVE: like in front of a huge crowd DAVE: and also a television crew or six" She'd actually pull it off better than Karkat. Maybe she could be his press speechperson on troll subjects? :P

"KARKAT: OR MAYBE JUST IN FRONT OF JAKE ENGLISH? KANAYA: Oh Dear Has Jane Recruited Jake" The Jakestakes return. Kanaya also believes in that Jake will sway the vote.

"KANAYA: That Would Be Disastrous KANAYA: He Is Beloved In The Troll Kingdom For His Perky Ass" Why. Of all the universal constants.

"DAVE: seriously? KARKAT: I TOLD YOU IT’S NOT JUST ME! KANAYA: It Has Some Terrible Arcane Power KANAYA: I Have Never Seen Anything Like It" It's like his <3 quadrant, a black hole everything is attracted to.

"DAVE: but jane is one of his best friends so we gotta approach this with a scorched earth policy DAVE: give him a whole cadre of sob stories thatll make him feel all manly and heroic for lending his support DAVE: just gift wrapping babies for him to kiss KARKAT: TROLL BABIES EVEN? DAVE: sure that can be part of the deal he can kiss the first natural born grub right on its gooey lil head" He'd don a mayoral sash, top hat, fake moustache and monocle for the occasion, I can just picture it.

"KANAYA: Have You Spoken To Rose Yet DAVE: uh no DAVE: i mean DAVE: shes

Dave mimes laying down and taking pills. The look Kanaya gives him is neither fond nor patronizing." Very tactful, Dave, real smooth. At least Dave didn't bother Rose while she's otherwise occupied, like during the start of their session. Progress, right?

"DAVE: whats up with that anyway DAVE: are you guys uh DAVE: grub pregnant" Oh, yeah I should have figured Dave would start wildly guessing when not knowing the specifics behind the migraine.

"DAVE: cmon karkat dont you wanna be an uncle to a lil bundle of love and unnatural genetic tampering" Oh, now the baby became a genetically manipulated crossbreed. Jegus, Dave.

"DAVE: ok stop freaking out im just saying from what i understand of troll reproduction it would be technically possible for a troll and human to KANAYA: No DAVE: and with ectobiology anythings possible" Well, it's true the fandom speculated about crossbreeds, but uh, Dave is just approaching the subject from the worst angle.

"DAVE: i dunno its just unusual for rose to brush me off for our annual ecto sibling oversharing session" I would have thought they'd AT LEAST schedule it monthly, not annually. :P

"DAVE: shes been sick for a while DAVE: either shes pregnant or i got reasons to be worried" And NOW we get to the REAL reason Dave's breached the subject.

"DAVE: id be cool with it yknow DAVE: bring on the rosemary combo grubs KANAYA: Rosemary" Hah, nice! Shipping name dropped! Maybe that's what Dave thinks of them in his mind sometimes, like how "Dave and Karkat" became a concept to their friends.

"DAVE: like rose plus your last name which is maryan or something right KANAYA: Maryam" Oh Dave, inconsiderate much? :P

"DAVE: the rosemary babies would have her hair and your horns or whatever DAVE: like when two cartoon animals of different species give in to their lust and have preposterous children" Like what Dirk drew for Jake and Roxy.

"KANAYA: Im Going To Call My Wife And You Are Going To Stop Talking" Oh boy, here we go. Is Dirk going to answer? Making him both narrator and character at the same time? Is he going to impersonate Rose? Or will Rose unexpectedly wake up?

"Dave and Karkat bicker about what their combo kids would look like, in the event that they decided to stop being such laughable wusses" Even Dirk is rooting for them, kind of. And why would they even discuss this subject if the subject of becoming more than friends even scares them so much they don't acknowle- wait I answered my own question.

"Rose’s line rings for a long time. It’s unusual, she thinks. Rose rarely leaves her phone unattended." She rarely leaves an occasion hanging to be able to speak long sentences.

"Rose is in absolutely no condition to be having a conversation with anyone. Not even her cherished bride. DIRK: Hey," Is Dirk going to lie, I wonder. It would just be another mark against him, but a big one, as it'd be a confirmed action of malicious intent.

"Kanaya’s voice turns sharp right away. KANAYA: Excuse Me

She can sense that something’s wrong." Alright! He won't be able to spin the wheel on her, if he'd wish to do so.

"She’s also smart enough, and facile enough in handling questionable men" - right, Doc Scratch.

"to understand that she quickly needs to regulate the tone of her voice for diplomatic purposes. KANAYA: Dirk KANAYA: Is That You" Not fooling him at all, Kanaya, he knows you know it's him. This turned almost into a call with a hostage-holder.

"I don’t answer immediately. I’m distracted by something." His own narration, or something happening to Rose? ... Or perhaps... Perhaps Dirk is making contact with Reload Dirk, if he still exists. It would be something if he lost touch with Earth C for a while.

Perhaps it's more like what Blaperile thinks, Dirk is being distracted by events in the Furthest Ring, leading up to the upcoming perspective switch.

"She really should chill out, anyway. I’ve got everything under control. Not that she’ll ever be able to fully appreciate this." Well that's the understatement of the year. Kanaya would never forgive him, and it's only questionable if a lot of his other friends will. It'll dependent on further developments.

"I don’t have time to explain right now. John’s doing something vaguely important to the plot again." You'd think that what we last saw, John and the wallet, is where we'd continue his scene. But maybe Dirk fastforwarded his narration of John (he showed off at one point and let him spend a few hours, remember?), and now Rose's timeline caught up.

But this means Dirk's currently not in a state to answer Kanaya, but what does that mean? Is he going to freeze with Rose's phone in hand for a few hours, or has he broken off the call to "write" the narration?

"DIRK: Kanaya, I don’t have time to explain right now." That's not an acceptable answer for her and you know it. Unless he has her fall unconscious, too, Dave and Karkat and her are going to come over!

"DIRK: John’s doing something vaguely important to the plot again." Wow, he actually repeated his narration into the phone. He really doesn't control his situation as much as he thinks.

"KANAYA: Dirk... KANAYA: What DIRK: This is gonna have to wait. KANAYA: Dirk DIRK: I’m putting you on hold, ok? KANAYA: DIRK!" "Putting you on hold", pfffff. It's a personal cliffhanger for Kanaya. At least he's partially outed himself to the other people now. Unless he can continue his conversation with her with a 'reasonable' delay of only a few seconds from her perspective, and then proceeds to smoothly talk around what he told her, with his narration powers influencing her to drop the subject.