#i can feel my mind deteriorating day by day i HATE it. but here we are.

[syn4k]

and like we're never gonna stop making art. i would genuinely explode. i'd just like to have more than three crumbs of recognition. we all would. it's every man for himself out here and i always hated being competitive. the view's pretty damn dark from the bottom of the ocean here, huh

[stargirlinterludefr]

BLACK FRIDAY: jj maybank x fem!reader

synopsis: you struggle heavily with your mental health but you never show it as you’re jj’s pillar and when jj moves in with you to finally get away from his dad, he begins to notice more and more

TW: mentions of child abuse, drug & alcohol usage, talks of an ED, talks of self h@rm, body dysmorphia, mentions of bad mental health thoughts, mention of luke maybank, HEAVY angst, fluff.

notes: if you struggle with any of the things listed within the trigger warnings and feel like this will potentially trigger you then please do not read! If you do continue, read at your own risk. i have created a post here where you can learn more about ed’s & self h@rm and there is also helplines on there! my inbox is always open for anyone who needs to vent, you’re not alone!

-

JJ had never felt a shadow cover the light you bring to his life, not even the shadow his father casted over him could diminish your light. But JJ never expected the light within yourself to be dimming, he blames his own troubles for not noticing it sooner.

Before he took the big leap to completely detach from his father, he was so intertwined in his own mess of a mind that he failed to be the observant boyfriend he’d always been. He forgot to provide light to you like you’d always done for him.

In your opinion, JJ is a consistent light in your life. He always has been and that will never change, but in JJ’s mind it was like this.

You know how bulbs dim over time, they grow duller and make it harder for you to see when you turn the light on? That’s how he felt he’d been treating you because eventually that bulb goes out and you’re left in the darkness.

He’d always known of the issues you had with self harm, of course he’d known, because before he was your boyfriend he was your best friend since third grade…he’s seen the scars.

But he’s ashamed to say he’d never been actively knowing about the problems you had with eating. Sure he’d seen you have off days, the days where you didn’t eat, he’d made the ignorant decision to put it down to the fact that everyone has off days.

But now he’s living with you, in the home you share with your mother who is almost never home, he’s noticed.

He sees you sneaking off to the bathroom after eating things you cook for the two of you, how you’re never hungry, always tired…hell you’d fainted on him a week prior.

He didn’t want to push you to talk or to confront you but when he sees the tell tale signs of you deteriorating before his eyes, he’s not going to allow that to continue to happen.

The two of you have just finished eating, you’ve cleaned the dishes and as you’re about to scurry to the bathroom JJ gently reaches out and tugs at your wrist with a knowing look on his face that makes your stomach churn.

“I- baby…there’s somethin’ i wanted to talk to you about.” He says, never letting go of your wrist as he looks at you with such adoration and so much guilt it makes your lip quiver.

“What is it?” You ask quietly, but you know, you can tell by his eyes what he’s going to say.

Your boyfriend swallows, a heavy breath ringing out through his chest before he speaks out.

“I’m kickin’ myself for never noticing, but…you- you’ve been making yourself sick a-and you’ve hardly been eating, god I’m so worried about you, and I’ve been worried about askin’ you about it but whatever it is that’s going on in your mind…don’t hide it from me, your pain is my pain remember? We gotta share these things, i hate seeing you in so much pain and i-“ Through JJ’s ramble he begins to choke up, cutting himself off as he catches the sob and swallows it as you blink rapidly, tears beginning to well in your eyes.

You chew your lip, hand coming to rub at your arm where past pain resides upon your skin and when JJ notices his face breaks and he takes your other hand as he shakes his head.

“Please baby, just tell me, whatever it is I’ll make it go away a’ight? I’ll take it away, let me be your light now come on.” He pleads, his eyes so beautifully piercing and endearing that you finally crack.

“I-I don’t know with all the scars and i just- wanna better body…better skin, i-i wanna be perfect like all our other friends.” You say, voice trembling and as you mutter the last words, JJ brings his hands to cradle your face, tears streaming down his cheeks.

The Maybank boy shakes his head, his thumbs gently wiping the tears from beneath your eyes.

“You listen to me, okay? You are so beautiful, everything you are is pure gold…I-I’d give up my life for yours because your very existence is more important to me than anything on this godamn planet…n you always look so pretty, l-like the sun or somethin’ you know i could watch forever while you shine on everyone?” As JJ speaks through a watery tone, his forehead gently falls onto your own as you sob quietly before he pulls you into his arms.

You feel the abundant amount of kisses he places to your head as he cries quietly and you know the guilt he’ll feel…that’s why you tried to hide it from him, any pain in your life and JJ immediately feels guilty that he can’t retract any inch of unhappiness from your being.

“I don’t know how to stop Jay, i-i feel like i suck the life out everything.” You sob against him and the boy violently shakes his head as he gently strokes your own.

“You don’t, believe me baby, every time you touch me i feel adrenaline like you’ve sparked me with life and you’ve always managed to see the light for me in my darkest times…so I’m gonna do the same for you, you hear?” His words hold so much sincerity that you feel some weight lift off of you and for the first time in months your body relaxes as it allows itself to feel all the pain you’d had bottled, JJ knows so he gently lowers you both to the floor while he holds you securely.

“I’m gonna help you get better, I’m gonna be here for every dark battle with your mind…you’re not on your own okay? I love you so godamn much.” The boy says, voice thick with tears as he sniffles while placing a kiss to the top of your head.

You cling to him because now that all that pain is out, what else are you supposed to do?

[2023himbotournament]

CONTACT YOUR GOVERNMENT AND DEMAND A CEASEFIRE FOR PALESTINE

For Eu look up:

Voices in Europe for peace

For Usa look up:

US campaign for Palestinian rights

BOYCOTT FOR PALESTINE

FOA (Friends of Al-Aqsa) have organized a boycott in support of palestine. Here are the key companies to boycott:

HP (Hewlett Packard)

Coca-Cola

Israeli produce

We will be ending our call to boycott

PUMA once the contract with IFA officially dissolves in 2024. Until then, we encourage you to continue boycotting PUMA products.

Please help to spread the word by sending this copypasta to as many blogs as you can and/or going to FOAs website where you can find posters to download and print out

Ok I'm not a copypasta person unless it's memes but like. Look I'm not Palestinian but I'm also a Southwest Asian and my mental health has definitely deteriorated seeing just. Everything. Especially the increase in racism and islamophobia (I'm also muslim) and seeing all the hate crimes and knowing that someone could probably shoot me in the head while I'm writing gay fanfiction in public and justify it by saying that I could've been a dangerous terrorist and therefore my entire family tree must be eradicated-

basically what I'm trying to say is that I'm hoping that making this post on the himbo tourney blog will get some eyes on this. Like. I've been feeling really powerless about this and kinda just like shriveling up and dying lately. Tbh. The world is fxcked right now. In the year of our lord 2024 /ref, here we are post undertale we are being pro-genocide how funny is that haha. It's not funny. It's. It's not. It's not funny . I can't. I've seen too many videos of children dying and crying and I just. I saw the one thing about the kid with cerebral palsy whose parents got shot right in front of them for literally no reason and then they got yelled at by soldiers and like. People literally will look at this and call these people animals?? I saw that term get thrown around a lot. It's just disgusting and like.

have people seen the bingo the literal genocide bingo. People are treating this like a joke like. Do people not realize that Southwest Asian people are like... people??? We're people you know. Like this is mainly targeting Arabs but I've seen stuff about people discriminating against the rest of us too (mainly because they can't tell the difference. Because the idea of not treating Asian cultures as interchangeable applies until you get to Southwest Asia I guess even in progressive circles everyone just says Arab for everything even here I've seen people like-). I'm Persian and I'm still scared someone will cut my life off. I'm 16. Nowruz is next week and I just want to live to it with my family. My mind is inundated wit the tears of the families that had never gotten to have their celebrations. Because of one group on one day.

one group on one day. One group on one day. it's always that. it's always that for people like us.I feel like I'm going insane. It's just 9/11 in America all over again. I wasn't even born for that. But you can just feel it all around you. And now we have the sequel, across the world. But it's used the same way. 7/23. Can't wait for the memes /s. This one thing happens therefore we can dedicate multiple months to killing all of you just making you suffer stripping your dignity you don't deserve anything and we'll make the world hate you because fxck you and then the world goes along with it because nothing good ever happens and I just want to escape from this but every time I go on tumblr it's just this and I know if I ever stop seeing this it means that the worst has happened anyway

and then people try to act like YOU'RE the bigot because you're trying to hold a country's government and military force responsible for war crimes just because the country has its branding in minority groups. How about I make this crystal clear: I don't give a flying fxck about what Israel is, it's what it's doing that matters. I'd be saying nearly the same shzt if they were PERSIAN, and that is MY ETHNICITY. I literally do not care. It doesn't matter. Because killing people is wrong and that should not be a controversial statement but I guess some people like the sound of screams in the morning. The Palestinian death toll has surpassed the 7/23 death toll. And it's still going. And not all the deaths have even been accounted for because bodies are still buried under rubble. Because they're still bombing people and they won't stop. And no one will make them stop.

like I don't give a fxck about Hamas either, I heard some of the members did genuinely say some like directly quoted antisemitic shzt and also they like condoned a racist caricature of a black woman in a magazine I think but I'm not sure about the second one (I know the magazine thing definitely happened but I'm not sure of their like involvement at all-) like. I don't need to suck there dzcks like some people do it's one group of fxcks like I don't. They're just the excuse being used for this. You're bombing the entire population of a country where the majority population is fzcking tater tots. You're attacking children. You are killing children. Paint yourself purple. Dammit. Just. Again it's 9/11 all over again but in another country.

even then like it's like. You know that trope in cartoons that shows up more often than you'd think that was in like Avatar and Korra and RWBY I think where there's like a fictional minority that is oppressed and wants rights and then active protest is represented by an evil terrorist group who attacks people and is the villains of the media and passive protest is always portrayed as good and active protest is evil and there's no nuance and also they just frame the group as just like evil spawned out of nowhere not addressing that they literally would not exist if not for the truly evil system of oppression that basically created them. Like.

You know Hamas only exists because Palestinians were already treated like shzt right? Like they were already displaced and didn't consent to the whole Israel thing and like look up Nakba it's fzcking awful like. Hamas is just a symptom of the disease and there will just be another Hamas if you try to knock it down without actually like. Doing anything about. the fact that Palestinians are oppressed. but people will just act like you can keep punching at Hamas like that'll result in anything like they're the flowers not the roots y'know-

also I'm calling it here, this entire thing is gonna definitely be used down the line by Neo-nazis I mean it kinda already is being used to justify antisemitism but like I saw the stuff of people trying to redefine antisemitism to be synonymous with antizionism and make isrseli and jewish synonymous and to basically gatekeep jewishness from anti-zionist jews (I'm not kidding I actually saw shzt like that) and it's like. Y'all they're gonna turn around in a year or two like "ohhh look at the big bad scary jews- I mean Israelis their identity is literally tied to the genocide of Palestinians they are inherently evil there is no denying it!" (Ignoring the fact that the USA and other bastards of colonization did the same shzt as Israel literally the same story history is repeating itself but we have social media brands this time-). And then like what the fxck do you do about it when the word antisemitic now means anticolonialist so no one takes it seriously anymore. What the fxck are you supposed to do about that. And when they probably made themselves right because they probably contributed to Palestinian Genocide themselves they don't care they're just using them as props in their fxcking jew hatred. But like. Yeah you are now tied to this nationality that is tied to fxcking genocide what do you do? It's like perfect to use for fearmongering around Jewish people since the shzt they used before somehow worked despite literally being pulled out of their xss istg like where the fxck did any of the bank stuff come from like. The fzck?-

im tired. I'm so tired. Both in the literal "It's past 1am" sense and the less literal "make the stop" sense.

I just don't want people to die. I just want people to be happy. I just want people to not suffer but every day it feels like it's getting worse and I just want something to change for the better and I'm scared. Why do people act like it's a bad thing to not want people to suffer? I don't understand. I just. I just don't understand. I. am I naive? For this?

does this wish make me naive?

[vaniloqu3nce]

Yoko Headcanons Pt 3. (this has been in my draft for a while)

Yoko isn’t a big romcom fan but Enid and Divina are so her and Wednesday end up watching them begrudgingly for their girls. That does NOT stop them from complaining though.

Wednesday: Yoko I can feel my brain cells deteriorating.

Yoko: Girl same im getting dumber watching this and I’m already the dumbest person here.

Unlike Enid, Divina helps Yoko study on her own and teaches Yoko little tricks to help her remember things in class. Enid usually just lets her copy.

Though Yoko acts very confident, she does have a lot of insecurities surrounding her intelligence because she’s never been really good at operating in a school setting. Things that don’t immediately capture her attention will often not keep her attention very long.

Yoko can sit and read Wednesday’s books for an hour straight squealing but she cannot take a math test for thirty minutes.

Yoko finds out Wednesday likes Enid (not that she didn’t already guess) because Viper so obviously has a crush on a new character that’s supposed to be Enid.

Enid and Yoko met in their freshmen year, Yoko tried flirting with Enid but Enid wasn’t really interested. Which is how they became best friends.

Young Yoko was a bit more of a menace and much more spoiled due to her wealthy upbringing. She absolutely thought she could have anyone she wanted and Enid was like “I’m not really attracted to you.”

Yoko: Not possible but OKAY.

Enid: Well do you want to be friends?

Yoko: This is literally the most embarrassing day of my life. Yes.

Enid and Yoko are literally inseparable. Yoko is an only child and Enid has only brothers. They’re literally so thankful for each other.

Because of her upbringing, Yoko has a lot of trouble showing and expressing negative emotions. Enid is like a sister to her and is always patient with Yoko when she needs time.

Yoko calls Divina princess, at first it was an insult because she’s stuck up and such, but it grew on both of them. Yoko is very affectionate with Divina when they’re alone, Divina loves it.

Divina: Get up. We have class.

Yoko: Come back to bed, princess. It’s cold.

Divina: Because you’re dead. Get up.

Yoko: You don’t love me.

Divina, rolling her eyes and climbing back into bed with her: You’re right. I hate you.

Yoko: Mhm. :)

Nobody in their right mind besides Enid would believe Yoko is so affectionate and loving because outwardly she is so against relationships and she kicks girls out as soon as they’re done. “I’d call you a cab but you live next door.”

Yoko is in fact only soft for Divina.

I raise you Yoko and Wednesday having a talk about being afraid of emotions.

I raise you Enid and Divina wondering if their girls actually like them because they have those kinds of insecurities and little do they know their girls would die for them without question.

I raise you Wednesday at first being jealous of Yoko until she realizes there couldn’t be anything to be jealous of because all Enid and Yoko do is argue.

Yoko, kicking the door down: Wednesday get your fucking girlfriend shes DOING IT AGAIN

Enid: Babe DONT LISTEN TO HER SHES LYING

Wednesday, sighing: Do you want this chapter done or not, Yoko?

Yoko: with ALL MY HEART MI AMOR

Enid: STOP FLIRTING WITH MY GIRLFRIEND FOR CHAPTERS

Yoko: STOP TELLING MY GIRLFRIEND WHEN I SKIP CLASS

Basically Wednesday was jealous up until she realized they’re basically siblings and they are trying to kill each other at least 90% of the time.

Divina had to win over Enid and Wednesday first. It was like asking for their daughter’s hand in marriage.

Wednesday: What are your intentions with our idiot?

Enid: I will skin you alive if you ever hurt her.

Wednesday: I’m so in love with you.

Thing, Yoko, and Enid have girls nights.

Yoko never liked Tyler either. “He just looks like a card board cut out.”

Yoko actually wants to become a movie director but not many people know that. Specifically horror movies.

Yoko was the kind of kid who would film her own movies on her phone.

Since Yoko has trouble expressing herself, her forms of love come in physical ways. Bumping Enid in the halls, playing with Divina’s fingers in class when she’s distracted, ect.

Wednesday and Yoko actually become amazing friends. They have a lot to bond over. Their love of horror, they both hate Tyler, they both have girlfriends who love them more than anything, they’re both bad at expressing emotions.

[grimlins-chaos]

Lo'gosh/Vari revamps! full body w/ comparisons to the og designs + alt looks + my mad rambling under the cut!

Do keep in mind these are my takes on the character and this is for my fic that's in the works where i'm doing some MASSIVE retconning of story and world building to 1, feed my brainworms because this *is* a warcraft x ffxiv crossover and 2, keep my fucking sanity because blizz retcons their own shit so much and the way they handle characters so inconsistently it makes me violently angry i fucking hate the books with every fiber of my being

I'm more than happy to give clarifications on some of my ideas just be aware that i might sound unhinged as i explain the ideas i've cultivated in my brain case for literal years like a conspiracy theorist so without further ado LET'S GO!

First things first let's get into Lo'gosh!

He starts off with his OG look as functionally it works and it's an iconic look in a ring where your gladiators are being pitted against guys who are damn near naked you don't want to disadvantage them with too much armor

the only few changes i made was switching out the sash for some more straps and the armored pieces are not nearly as bulky (i did straight up forget his spikes but i'll add them another time when i have a bit more time so just imagine they are there lmao)

But as iconic as the look is his clothes do deteriorate especially as my version of lo'gosh gets tossed around on the regular (think of captain america's "i can do this all day" while bloodied and beat the fuck up) on top of because it being such an iconic look Lo'gosh would need a change of clothes to replace the torn ones he was given as well as make him blend in a little more with your common adventurers, so when he meets up with allies in the eastern kingdoms he gets some new drip

he does hold onto the old armor pieces as to hold on to the lo'gosh identity for as long as he can before he has to return to being Varian Wrynn (to build more upon his feelings of "i don't know this varian, is that really the life i want?" in issue 7 of the comics because it was such a missed opportunity for internal conflict, we love a man who's struggling emotionally)

Storywise i felt that rather than have him be the strong willed half of Varian while the other half is more "weak willed" instead Lo'gosh and Vari represent two different sides of his ideals, attitude, and how he expresses love (yes we are going FULL fuckin' cheese mode here) Lo'gosh would represent the rebellious side of Varian, the one who would try so desperately to escape because he just wants to be free. Pre-split this would present most in his younger self who would regularly sneak out to have fun and support his people, away from the pressures of his duties that would later on take away any minuscule amount of freedom he had in his life. Lo'gosh also represents Varian's strong sense of justice, never afraid and not even hesitating to throw himself on the line to defend complete strangers because (unknowingly to Lo'gosh for most of the story) his past with a young abused girl that he once called best friend along with Arthas very much ingrained it into his head that he would never leave anyone who takes advantage of others and hurts them like how he had failed that girl

Lo'gosh is the side of Varian that's a force of nature that will act on the spot to protect others, unwilling to back down and has absolutely zero fucking idea on when to just give up (granted giving up seems more like a made-up concept to him)

When it comes to Vari (the nickname i gave to the more charming/gentle dad side of Varian just for the sake of making it less confusing) I do have a lot more to say so buckle the fuck up XD;;

In terms of design i fuckin' hate his pajama suit, i tried to redeem it, i very much did, but it wasn't workin' out for me XD It makes sense in that when it comes to Vari i very much see him as being extremely insecure, and so while katrana bumps up his charm to obnoxious levels the actual charisma he displays is a mask to try and hide his struggle. So it makes sense for him to make himself seem less regal and wear as simple as clothing as he can outside of obvious formal affairs and Katrana would very much prey on this especially as corrupt black dragons lean on self-importance and ego and so she'd make herself wear purples and reds while Vari blends more in with the crowd, she makes it so your eyes go to her rather than the fuckin king because she has manipulated her way to the top and holds all the power over him

But the whole body suit deal? uglier than sin, this ain't your wish medieval batman costume so for my redesign i gave Vari this

it was a combination of norse inspired renfaire tunics and as well as the outfits in one of my favorite movies; Quest for camelot (as King Arthur was a minor inspiration for my version of Varian)

And as for armor it does still have close resemblance to the og look in the comics but gave it a bit more bulk and baggyness in some areas as i imagine Vari representing the protection spec while Lo'gosh is of course fury, so to take a bit more of a beating he's got more protection

Vari being the half of Varian that retained his memories, he carries the brunt of the trauma and guilt brought on by all the trials and horrific events he's experienced but to cover his pain not only to try and hide from it but also in an attempt to protect his son and be there for his people (the mask of "everything's just fine" while the wearer of that mask is actively drowning). But Vari also carries the fatherly attitude of Varian, this is the half that presents Varian's love of his son the absolute most and for him he's willing to literally jump off a cliff just to save him. Vari will defend those he loves with his life.

Lo'gosh: Offensive Vari: Defensive

Together they are the two halves of one ballsy motherfucker you really do not wanna piss off

Anywho if you've made it this far i personally applaud you for subjecting yourself to my madness, i hope it was at least entertaining and a fun read!

[blossom-adventures]

Ok… rant incoming, feel free to ignore it, somethings just come up and it really irritated me, I’ll put it under the read more because it’s a lot… personal stuff, family stuff, I’ve kept this rant bottled up for a pretty long time so it’s a long post

I don’t mind if you don’t read it

I came so close to scrapping this again (I have typed this story out in the past and deleted it) but sod it! I need to get this out of my system!

TW: Illness, death

So… I have a half sister, she’s my dad’s daughter from a previous marriage, much older than me and my brother

I’d not heard from her for 13 or 14 years but when my dad’s health deteriorated she turned up, acting like she’d been present for the last 13/14 years, my dad had invited her over so I remained civil, as much as I hated her being there

A little extra context, she has 4 children and my dad, their grandfather, met the youngest 2 for the first time just before lockdown in 2020, they were 9 and 7 years old!

When my dad was at his worst, about a week before he died, she turned up again, at the same time my dad was being seen to by an ambulance crew (his temperature was worryingly high, given his condition) and with lockdown rules, only 7 people were allowed in the room; my mum, dad, 2 ambulance crew, our GP was there as were the 2 visiting nurses that came to the house 4 times a day to help with his care, so I went in the living room out of the way, when she got there I told her that we needed to wait in the living room, so what does she do, yep… goes into the room where my dad is, acting the concerned daughter.

When she gets told to go and wait in the living room by my mum she comes in and sits down, never asking if I was ok, or anything like that, no she says “what’s wrong with dad?” Oh I had to hold my tongue sooooo much, I could’ve gone off on a rant, but I didn’t, I said “they’re making sure his temperature isn’t because of COVID” then she says “how would he have got that?”

Now bare in mind… I was still working full time, I was going into work not knowing if he would be there when I got home, I was at the end of my emotional tether, if it wasn’t for a couple of friends at work, I’d have exploded at that comment, I read it as she was blaming me for making my dad’s health worse, I couldn’t deal with her, so I retreated to my bedroom and cried for a while.

So… dad died in October 2020, I made it clear that I would not sit next to her at the funeral, we shared a hug at the end but she said nothing to me, not that I wanted her to, and that was the last time I saw her.

Fast forward to today… a whole 2 years, 7 months and a few days after he died, and my mum comes down with piles of photos, and she says “I know you’re going to ask, so I’m just going to say it, I got a message from her (she used her name but I’m not going to use it here) the other day asking if we had any pictures of her with dad, I know we have a couple so I’m going to look for them”

And this is what has irritated me, after nearly 3 years of no contact she asks if we have pictures of her and dad?! And assumes that my mum can just say “oh yes, we have a lot, I’ll send them you, dad kept them in a special box” because NO, he didn’t, we have like… 3, and they could be scattered in various piles of photos!

So now my mum is having to search through photos to find pictures of her… it’s just… it’s really annoyed me…

My mum has been avoiding looking through the pictures, because it upsets her, I know it does, so I insisted that she put some upbeat music on (Pet Shop Boys, mums favourite) and to stop when she needs to

Ok… rant over… I’m just going to… go and calm down for a little bit

[ssleepdeprivedauthor]

I'm like, new to posting on Tumblr. But can I make money from here? I kinda need that bag 🙏

Posting fanfics in reverse order who... I'm sorry if the writing rapidly deteriorates.

TW: Suicide

Summary:

No, no, no. This was not happening right now. “Tweek?” There was too much blood, too much coughing, too much everything. “Craig?” “Hold still, everything will be–” The small, raggedy breaths coming from Tweek stopped. At that moment, Craig’s heart stopped too.

No, no, no. 

This was not happening right now. 

“Tweek?” 

There was too much blood, too much coughing, too much everything. 

“Craig?” 

“Hold still, everything will be–” 

The small, raggedy breaths coming from Tweek stopped.

At that moment, Craig’s heart stopped too. 

CLICK. 

“Tweek? Clyde’s asking us to go to his birthday party. I don’t really care if we go or not, but what do you think?” 

Twitching slightly, Tweek replied, “Um . . . yeah, I think we should go. Clyde’s probably gonna kill us if we don’t.” 

“Please. His punches are like a balloon hitting you.” 

“ ACK– Balloons can be dangerous! What if they pop in your eye? We definitely have to go now!”

“Relax, Clyde’s not gonna pull any shit.” 

“If you say so.” 

The party was okay, more or less. Nothing much happened. It was boring, but not too boring.

“I hate it here. Can we leave?” Craig asked Tweek, a deadpan expression on his face. 

“I don’t want Clyde throwing balloon punches at us!” 

“Jesus, fine. We’ll stay 10 minutes more max.” 

“...Fine.” 

Clyde walked over towards the couple, startling Tweek.

“Hey Craig! Oh, hey Tweek. I didn’t really think parties were your thing, but cool to see you!” 

Craig stared at him, “What do you want?” 

“Aw come on, be nice to the birthday boy. Anyways, have you guys seen Bebe?” 

“No, and she’s not interested in you. And we have to go now, right babe?” 

“Gah– oh, um, yeah. We have to go.” “Seriously? But you just got here!” 

“Too bad, so sad,” Craig responded, turning away with Tweek’s hand in his. 

“Fuck you guys!” 

“Yeah, yeah, fuck you too.” 

As Craig got into the car, Tweek’s head filled with anxieties. What if Clyde hated them and decided to attack them? Or something worse? What if he did something so terrible, they would never recover? Or broke them up?

“Dude. I can see you shaking, calm down. Clyde can’t attack us, he literally doesn’t have the strength to. Plus, if he does, we’ll just beat him up.” 

“That’s not the point!” 

“Then what is the point?” 

“He could still want to attack us! Or hate us, or try to break us up!” 

Craig sighed, “He’s not going to do those things.” 

“Stop using logic against me!” 

“Right. Fine. How does this situation make you feel?” 

“Um, scared. And anxious, and terrified.” 

“And why do you feel those things?” 

“Clyde will hate us! And then, he’ll want to get revenge or something, and then my life will be ruined—” 

Craig pulled Tweek into a hug, wrapping his arms around him and gently stroking his hair. 

“Alright. Do you have it out of your system now?” 

“Yeah . . . I think so. Thanks, Craig.” “You’re welcome.” 

As Craig finally started the car and drove home, Tweek started to calm down, his mind quieting. Yeah, Clyde probably wouldn’t do anything like that. 

Back at Craig’s house, on Craig’s bed, Tweek decided to take out his phone and find something to do. A notification from the news app popped up, saying:

TWEEK BROS: METH DETECTED IN THEIR COFFEE? 

What. 

“Craig?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Can you come over here?” 

Craig walked over to Tweek, peering over his shoulder to lake at his phone. 

No. There was no way. 

A moment of disbelief flashed through Craig’s eyes, “I can’t believe it. There’s genuinely no way.” 

“How many cups of that shit do you drink per day, Tweek?” 

Tweek was still frozen in shock, trembling softly. Had his own parents been drugging him since he was 6? Is that why he had all these tics? Was he a meth head? Did he never really have ADD? 

Tears started rolling down his face. 

“Hey, hey, shh . . . We’re gonna figure this out, okay? We’re gonna get you clean and off meth.” 

“There’s no fucking way, man. My parents have been drugging me my entire life!” 

“Your parents are assholes.”

“You’re telling me.” 

“I’ll make you coffee, you’ll drink that instead okay? I’m not letting you have anymore meth.” 

“Okay,” Tweek said, his expression a mix of numbness and horror. 

CLICK. 

Weeks passed, and nothing Craig tried was working. He didn’t know how to actually ween a person off meth, that was something doctors were supposed to do, right? 

Fuck. 

He had to do it for Tweek, though. He was not going to see another minute of his boyfriend crying because he was a drug addict. 

“It’s not working, Craig,” Tweek mumbled softly. 

“It will.” 

“No, it won’t. Just give up already.” 

“Okay, stop your negative shit, we’e getting through this. Alright? I’m not letting you giving up on yourself.” 

“Craig.”

“I’m not giving up on you!” 

Tweek shook, and his body started to rack with small sobs. Craig moved closer, wrapping his arms around him and tucking Tweek’s head under his neck, “You’re gonna be okay, I promise.” 

CLICK. 

Where was he? Craig had been calling Tweek for the past hour, and he still wasn’t picking up. They were supposed to hang out today. 

Craig started to get a really, really bad feeling. 

“Come on Tweek, pick up . . .” 

Fuck it, he was going to Tweek’s house. 

Walking through the neighborhood, he finally arrived at Tweek’s house. As he knocked on the door, Mr. and Mrs. Tweek opened the door. It took every bone in Craig’s body to stop himself from beating both of them up for what they’d done to his boyfriend. 

“Can I see Tweek?” 

“How adorable! Yes sweetie, of course you can. I’m sure he’s right upstairs in his room, just building legos again.” 

“Okay. Thanks.” 

Craig rushed past Tweek’s asshole parents, making a beeline for his room.

“Tweek?” 

“Tweek?” 

“Tweek, what the hell is this?” 

Small coughs could be heard. There was a gunshot laying next to Tweek, and his body was curled over as he bled out. 

“Tweek!” 

Immediately, Craig rushed over and embraced him tightly, tears starting to fall onto Tweek’s body.

“Why the fuck would you do this?” 

“I . . . I knew I wouldn’t be able to recover from the meth. So I– I decided that this was my only way out.” 

“You fucking idiot! We were supposed to grow old together, we were supposed to start a family! What the hell is wrong with you?” 

“I’m sorry, Craig. My life was shitty, and this is the end of it.” 

“No, no, no, no, no. This is not the end of it, and you are not saying was! Is, is shitty, because you’re not dying today!” 

Craig pulled out his phone, dialing 911. 

Tweek was coughing up blood now. 

“Hello 911, I have an emergency–” 

Why couldn’t he hear the small, raggedy breaths anymore? 

Craig pressed decline. 

“Tweek!” 

His knees felt weak, and Craig collapsed to the floor, sobbing. Why the fuck would he do this? Did he ever consider the consequences of his actions? 

Craig sobbed into Tweek’s dead body, holding him tightly. 

“Please. Just wake up, for even one minute more.” 

“I love you.”

[skwonkk]

I want to have power over you. I’m so, so weak. You have more power over me than you want to admit. I hate it. I can only have power over you through the power of observation, I guess.

And I do observe.

I observe your mannerisms, your tone of voice, the words and phrases you choose. I believe I could imitate you quite well if I had to. But could you imitate me? You never shut up about what an enigma I am, but I’m really not all that mysterious. I think you just choose to believe I am mysterious to cover for the fact that you’re too stupid to understand me. Or that you don’t want to understand me. Because if you understood me, you might not like what you’d see.

I was wise to choose the mask of indifference, because a mask of joy and friendliness would be impossible to keep up around someone like you. Just seeing your name puts me in a bad mood. You drain me. Of course, I’m sure you don’t intend to, but we can’t hide behind good intentions forever, can we?

I wonder if you know how scared I am of you. I hate that you’d own anything related to me. I hate that I exist in your mind. I hate that you have this possessive tendency that comes from simply having spent a lot of time with me. You think you know me. And to an extent, you do. That’s terrifying.

Ah, I hope you’re not still reading. But if you’re truly curious, perhaps you’d indulge me in allowing your blood to run cold? I know many things about you, and you as well, but maybe not you. Yes, well, I know about G.L. and Angela. Having a bad day, pull them up on the computer. Or if I got the wrong person there, I know about all the goth cartoons and what you think about them. Yeah, I know even more than that, actually. I could tell you even the specific parts and traits and things. I have to calculate carefully so as to not indulge you in any of those parts or traits, while still keeping up the appearance you love so much, but you know, that appearance is deteriorating and it’s your fault.

Some of you know this next part, so it doesn’t concern you, but for some others, well... it’s funny of you to call yourself smart when you’re not very clever or wise. Have you ever tried sneaking around in the maze, memorizing its patterns and traps so you neither get lost nor set anything off? No, you run around and wake up the Minotaur before you’re even aware what you’re doing. You memorize the walls, but you don’t think about where they lead, and you couldn’t even draw them accurately because you only think of diagrams and never textures or designs. You brag about your IQ to make up for the fact that you lack abstract intelligence and you can never hold your tongue.

If this is you, if you are not merely an observer questioning the meaning of these words, them I’m sure you’re in shock, anger and denial. I’m sure you want to run over and yell at me. Because you think this is about you, and only about you, and certainly about you. Sure seems like it, huh? What can you point to, though? Anything you point to will evaporate the longer you look at it. That’s right, it evaporates from the world and travels straight into your mind. No one else can see your mind. No one else is perceiving this the way you are. It’s a frequency only you can hear, and it might not even be a real frequency, but I’ve decided to make it feel real just for you.

However much dirt you have on me, I have even more on you. That’s what I’d like to believe. But I’m not sure it’s true.

Well, I’m saying all of this because I’m a coward, after all. Really, I’m the one backed into a corner, baring my teeth just to remind you that I have them. But why should you even get to know that I have them? That’s my own weakness. Forget all of this. At least let me have my place to say things.

Every word I just said here is a Rorschach test.

[watery-pancake]

To All of You; Ecuadorian Boy

I'm sorry for being selfish, for wanting you to talk about your feelings when you're not ready. It got me fucked up when you post something publicly, for friends, family, but yet it was too private for me. I miss you. It's selfish to miss you the way I do. I know the best for you would be to leave you alone, give you space.

I think you forget sometimes I live quickly. I'm always ready for when the day comes and a new diagnosis destroys my life again. I think you forget that, I'm temporary. I'm not going to be here for as long as you do. It makes me selfish, to make the most of the little time we have together until this body gives out. I want to drink, get drunk. Smoke, get high. I want to have fun while I can last. I never admit it, I keep it in the back of my mind all the time. I never mention it to you, since I know how it makes you feel when I remind you of my expiration date. How my health always deteriorates. How when I pass, you won't have me to comfort you about the loss of me. I guess you were right, with saying that me asking how you feel was just for myself. Another check, right? Haha.

It makes me a little happy to see our relationship quickly fall apart this past month. By the time my diagnosis comes, you will be in another woman's arms, and due to my online privacy, you will never know I'm not a call away, or even a visit to my doorstep away. I will be in a universe you can never travel to. Far, far away from you.

I know I say I don't want to fall in love due to emotions. But you forget how my emotions are molded like clay by the fucked up hormones in my thyroid. This is why I ruin every relationship. I still blame myself and say my thyroid is an excuse. Within this mind, it's impossible to tell, my dear. I'm terrified that when I'm gone, they'll never get over me. I'd still be lying though. This part of me wants them to never get over me, to always have me lying in their memory, to dedicate a space in their mind for the memory that I was. It makes me feel real, to know I can continue as a memory. But that's the thing with being chronically ill, you can't be selfish. With every last bit of energy, you can't forget. Just because you're only here for a limited time, doesn't mean they are. So it would make sense to make them forget you, to leave the room for all the new lovers and friends and family they can create. Your space in their mind is holding them back from their potential.

I don't regret meeting you. I don't regret being able to know you on such an intimate level. I don't regret falling in love with you. I regret allowing you to fall in love with me, with knowing how I'm brittle.

Y'know, you mentioned how you always wanted a nickname for me? I always liked flower. I know your dad owns a flower shop. It reminds me of myself. You always love to admire me, to stare at me when you think I don't notice. You adorn your whiteboard with pictures of us, with me.

You noticed how I only have a dimple on one side; my left, your right. You liked how my fingers felt alongside yours. You mentioned how you liked how I breathe, something I've never heard before, but yet such an intimate detail I could have only ever dreamt of hearing from another human. You mentioned once during sex how I looked like an angel, something you've only said once and only after weeks of dating. Despite sitting right next to each other, I noticed how you still checked what music I was listening to. You mentioned once how much I loved listening to Strawberry Guy, despite me never mentioning a single time how much I like his music. Not once, but yet it's a detail you would have only known if you checked on what I was listening to on Discord. Sometimes you put your fingers through my hair, combing out my curls despite me always hating how you straighten them, but I allow you to since I know you enjoy the intimacy of it. Sometimes when I hug you against my chest, you comment "nice heartbeat." I don't think you know you're the first person who isn't a doctor to comment on my heartbeat, nonetheless compliment it. Once you mentioned how you loved my eyes, despite me always hating how uneven they are. You never even noticed they were uneven until I said it. You just loved how pretty they are when they look at you.

I still remember when I used to send you outfit pics, and you would fangirl to me how beautiful I am. I felt like a supermodel, despite having such a broken body, I felt beautiful. The first time I didn't wear makeup around you, you never noticed. I pointed it out, after several hours together, to which you said I looked the same with and without it. Whenever I go out without makeup people treat me differently, worse, but you treated me just the same. I found a random bracelet at work and gave it to you, and now you wear it every day. I gave you one of my hair ties, and despite having a shaved head, despite the dangly bits falling off, you wear it every day. One time we were play fighting, and we bit at each other, chipping your tooth. It's silly, but I like it, how now you have a permanent reminder of me. I still remember when you used to twirl me randomly, despite you no longer doing it. I still remember. I remember too the time at Target you told me to jump inside the cart, and you rolled me all around the parking lot, abandoning it at a stop light and we ran away like troubled teens. I still remember our first date, in New York. You held my head against your chest in the bus, and whispered sweet words to me. I wrote in last year's journal what you said, I'll spare you the details haha.

I remember us doing stupid stuff behind college, something I'll spare the internet of knowing. I wonder if you remember, the night under the stars, where we pointed out the constellations before running away in fear of campus police. Even though we missed out on the blood moon that one night, I loved just walking around the overly humid Stevens campus at night, and talking deeply about... us. You still have the book from that night. I hope you read it. It would be worldly irony to have you forget to read it, haha. I hope you don't read this entry. It's embarrassing, how even how shitty you spoke down to me today, I still retreat to these wonderful memories to remind me you love me.

I guess I'm like the flowers your dad sells. I'm not like the cheap Walmart ones that wilt and dry. I rot, before I wilt.

Flower would be a nice nickname.

[kingtom-hearts]

1. Uuuhhh. Gee. Good question. Some few years back I would've said sunglasses. My eyes are photosensitive and I pretty much wear them whenever I go outside during the day. I dunno what I'm really know for now. Most of my friends now are people I've met through Grindr, so, I guess the common theme is gay slut? I mean, my closer friends might or would associate me more with my love of Kingdom Hearts, but out of everyone I'm in contact with now uh,,,definitely that hoe. 😅

2. Definitely hitting with the hard questions. Guess there was a guy I was really close with till he moved away. Showed more compassion, generosity, and the least amount of judgement outbid anyone I've ever known in all my 22 years. Even now we've been apart, I'd still trust him with my life, and feel safer with him than anyone else. I was too dumb to see it at the time, but I really do love him. Tbh I think I'd like to find someone else that makes me feel the same way. Someone I feel I can talk to about anything without fear of judgement.

2a. Ok also uhm, definitely all the brave people protesting against all the stupid anti-trans shit. It's been really scary watching this unfold. I mean I'm in less danger as a cis person, but I guess just like the height of covid it's not me I'm worried about. I don't know their name but I saw someone give a brilliant speech at some sort of congress. Towards the end they tried to silence them and a young black person came to protect them. Honestly that was quite moving. I hope to see more people stand up to the atrocities that are unfolding before us.

3. Uhm. Hmm. I'm sure I would've said Grizz (refer to question 2), but I dunno. I've come to learn that he isn't as perfect as I thought. I mean he never did anything wrong to me, but I think he didn't really express himself and his feelings. At the moment I think it's my best friend Misha. :)

Oh I gotta answer why. Uh. We just get along really well. Been letting them slowly play through the Kingdom Hearts series at my place. I've really enjoyed getting to share my lifelong obsession with someone else. Also they're fucking cute, and we get along really well. I've said quite a few times before that I'd still be happy to hang out and see them even if we weren't having sex. I really do appreciate their company.

4. Oooooo. Cats!! Cats!!! I love cats. Really been missing them ever since I moved to this hellhole. My Dad's moved far away and I don't have a car so I never get to see him or put old cat. :(( Her name is Little Miss and I little miss her,,,so much,,,

5. Uhm. As in what colour am I obsessed with now, or like, what colour do I associate with my obsession? I dunno if Kingdom Hearts really has one colour. I've come to love pink tho. Been rocking teal hair more recently. I think it looks damn good. Def still favour the pink hair but I needed a change.

6. Haven't thought much about decor in a long while. Keeps thinking I gotta tidy up the room first. I'd love some cute plants if I could manage to keep them alive.

7. Uuuhhh. I think I'm pretty decent at singing? Would love to do some lessons just for fun when I can afford to. I can do a pretty good Goofy and Mickey Mouse impression. Though the Goofy impression has deteriorated and I can't quite seem to get it right anymore and I'm not sure why.

8. Ooooo. Yeeeesssss. Love fashion. If it wasn't so dman hot here in Australia I'd wear cute layered outifts. But I do have a bit of fashion. I really love this like, 70s/80s style button up I got from Dangerfield a few years ago.

That's just one example of a few of my favourite clothing items. Hehe. I love that shirt tho.

9. No, but I really wanna try it! I think I'd look so cute. I wanna wear eyeliner but I also hate watching things go near my eyes so, that's a bit iffy. Even then there's a lot of other fun stuff I wanna try. Don't wanna do it on my own tho. 😅

10. First thing that comes to mind is Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland. I'm not as fussed on it now, but back around 2013 I loved it. Like I understand now that it's not really a great adaptation of Lewis Carol's "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland," but as a movie of its own I really enjoy it. Like, yeah it doesn't really understand the essence of it which is whimsy and a girl that has interesting thoughts to herself, who quite frankly I'm convinced is autistic but that's beside the point. I started reading Lewis Carol's "Through The Looking Glass" recently and I understand why Tim Burton's sequel film didn't work at all. I mean he practically took everything from that book for his rendition of Wonderland. But yeah I guess I was always a fan of the imagery, always loved all the emo shit. I reckon if I was more confident in my appearance and cared less of what people thought of me I def would've had an emo phase. I've also always loved stories where people get shocked away to another world to have amazing adventures. It especially resonated with me when K was younger. I always felt so trapped. I wanted people to like me but didn't know how I was supposed to behave, hated the way I looked, and quite frankly found the real world to be painfully mundane. But yeah anyway, I dunno if I'd recommend the film, but that's one I liked that critics and reviewers online didn't.

11. Oooooo. I've been watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer. My god I wish we had writing as good as this today. Been thoroughly enjoying it. And it's starting to get really gay and I know it does get gay so I'm looking forward to that. I do also know there's an unfortunate tripebin there so, not so looking forward to that. Also uh, if anyone has any good crossover fics with this and Supernatural let me know, cause uh, I feel like they'd go together REALLY well.

12. Oh my god so many. I can't remember a lot of them now. Used to get a lot of recs from friends in high school. Now that I've left high school I can never seem to find any good ones. But my first was "Howl's Moving Castle." Love that film, but if you don't count that one, understandably, my first anime show was Sword Art Online. Watched the first season of that and loved it. All apart from that really awful scene where the bad guy starts tearing off the woman's clothes... That...that was awful.

There's quite a few others I can think of. There's been so many I enjoyed but can't remember most of them. I really loved Haruhi Suzumiya. That show was so good. I know I've enjoyed some slice of life but the only one I can remember is one about a high school girl who secretly works at a maid cafe, which as much as I enjoyed it was discontinued. I remember it resonating with me quite a lot, as a gay kid in the closet. I remember I binge watched Yuri On Ice while I had a cold in high school. I know it's not really great representation, but I sure enjoyed the eye candy while I was sick. XD

If anyone has any good anime recommendations please let me know! I've been trying to find a good show for so long but all I seem to find are duds. I wanna watch another slice of life that makes me have some deep introspection. I wanna watch a good anime that makes me feel stuff. Like all I can find are the dumb isekai power fantasy crap. Like nothing has any substance.

13. That's a good question. Probably video games if we're counting that. There's some beautiful storytelling in some games. But I guess if not then maybe music? Really love Yoko Shimomura's soundtrack for Kingdom Hearts. Oh, also Utada Hikaru is a brilliant musician, though I tend to favour her albums from the 2000s.

14. Video games, watch shows, have sex. Sometimes I like to sing to myself. I wanna get back into knitting too. I enjoyed that.

15. Usually one? Like I have 4 and I'll use two if I'm just chilling in bed, but to sleep it's just the one.

16. My brain craves the night too much. I always wanna stay up late. Even if I know it's really important to get an early night.

17. Uuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh. Def love Roxas. Think I might have my first fictional crush on Riku. Reminds me of Grizz. Like he cares so much about Sora and he's matured so much. But he's also a dumbass and puts what he thinks Sora's needs and wants are before his own.

18. No. It's a plain white one I got with my phone. Just haven't been able to afford a new case yet.

19. I mean obvi theres my favourites, Simple and Clean, and Sanctuary by Utada Hikaru, but, I'm gonna tell you about one song that meant a lot to me while I was in the closet. Secrets by Mary Lambert. Was the first song that really uplifted me and made me feel like things were gonna be ok. Def recommend a listen.

20. Been kinda sick. Only symptom nownisnrunning out of breath very easily so, while I've been stuck at home it's been kinda nice actually? Like for the first time in a couple years I'm truly letting myself relax. Like no, I shouldn't be cleaning my room rn for I am too ill. Haven't felt this rested in a very long time. Started playing a new Minecraft Modpack last night and so far I'm really enjoying it. Might just be my favourite pack so far.

21. Love you too!! :D

not a dream

Hey everyone, I've thought about some cute questions for you to answer so here they go, leave the answers in the replies or reblogs and tag people who you want to answer said questions as well. You don't have to answer all of the questions, no pressure, answer the ones you like if that's easier for you!

What's one thing that your friends say that applies to you? Like a quirk or something they know you for? Something they associate with you always?

Who inspires you in your life? I don't mean a celebrity, but a person you know, brag about someone incredible that is your inspiration.

Who do you consider to be your favorite person and why?

What's your favorite kind of animal? If you lived with said animal, what would you name them? If you have said animal, what is their name?

What color is your most recent obsession?

What's a little decor item that you want to own in the future?

Do you have any mundane but cute "talent"/thing you can do? Something just slightly unusual but also completely usual?

Do you like fashion? What kind of a dresser are you? More casual? Fancy?

Do you wear makeup? What's your go-to makeup look? If you don't wear makeup, have you ever thought of wearing it?

Recommend us one movie that the critics/public didn't like that much when it came out but you personally think is a hidden gem!

What show are you watching right now? Recommend it to us!

Have you ever watched an anime? If yes, which one?

What's your favorite kind of art medium? Recommend us an artist or show us an art piece (could be music, painting, crochet, whatever) that you really love!

What do you like to do when you are bored?

How many pillows do you sleep with, if any?

Do you have trouble with sleeping? Do you remember your dreams a lot or forget them as soon as you wake up?

Who is one cool character in something you've seen in your life that you hyperfocused on at a time in your life.

Show us your current phone case!

Recommend people a song that has meant a lot to you sometime in your life and share us the story about if you'd like.

How has your day been so far?

UwU - I love you!

[taichiwakare]

songs for taichi | a mamoru miyano x chihayafuru fanmix

001. // while wandering we discovered the other side of the sky we were looking up to, the continuation of an endless dream...if you believe in the miracle of us meeting, we can overcome any future. //002. even if we can't choose our tomorrow or draw our future, these thousands of star fragments will rain down upon (us). if we don't fear anything, we'll have nothing to lose, right? ...crossing the white waves, we met. it felt like our swaying heartbeats had been calling out to each other. //003. i'm consistently in helpless situations, and beginning to hate this very small 'me.' though i might lose sight of things...when i remember your smile, nothing feels scary to me anymore. //004. you're a strong person who keeps saying, 'i'm fine!' and laughing no matter what happens. it's okay to not worry anymore and talk about it. everyone knows that you're doing your best, so no matter how hard it is, just smile. //005. if you feel tired, put down the weight you're carrying on your shoulders...there is no need to be scared. if you don't worry about being strong, you can move forward. //006. an anonymously written song of love that survived hundreds of years without deteriorating still makes my heart tremble. an everlasting cycle of love. falling and scattering, let me dedicate these fleeting emotions (to you)... no matter what i lose, even if it is a wish that will never reach you. //007. was our meeting itself a mistake? the remnants of us that scattered and fell are glowing faintly, even now...can you hear my voice? i'm here, thinking of you...if i had one wish, i'd just want to see you again. //008. you, who smiles bright like light...what can i say to see you again? ..i want to be by your side, even if i don't know how to convey it. //009. the reason i was able to come this far is not because of anyone else, but because your voice was there. no matter what, we are beside each other and believe in each other, laughing and crying together. that is what becomes our strength more than anything else. //010. i thought that if i was alone, i could find the answer, but the truth is, i want to rely on you more... 'it's not just you' no matter what, you were always beside me, watching over me. (i wanted to protect you but) you taught me that i was the one being encouraged all along. //011. those days when i was always struggling and losing, in search of something absolute, trying to reach perfection, i hope i can let go of all the tears and hours i felt hurt...being surrounded and held by your voice, illuminated by the light of dawn, this farewell is the first step on my next journey. now that i've voiced my feelings to you whom i love, i will become the person that i've always wanted to be: ...i will become me. //012. i keep holding you tightly, letting go of our tangled fingers... i want to keep you in my heart for just a little longer... if i can hold you, even my doubts can melt away. //013. i found my soul a best friend. if i touch my hand to my heart, the first face that comes to mind will be only you... to you, who found me, i say, 'i'm glad i met you.' ...i've spent every one of these precious days just laughing with you.

[kurowvie]

pairing: ceo!yoongi x secretary!reader

word count: 1.5k words, 6k characters

au: ceo!au // genre: angst, crack in one line

warnings: tons of cursing, yg is a shitty boss and friend, reader was depressed between the ages of 18-23, Yoongi threatens reader, unedited ++ rushed, not my best work :(

© retrojennie 2021. do not repost or copy

masterlist

A 019. ❝I was eighteen! I was jobless, I had no family, I couldn’t get into a good university! Then came your stupid little heart break, I had to leave everything and come to your house in the middle of the night! I missed my admission test because you wanted me to be there for you! That night I went home and had nothing to eat! Not even a single slice of bread while you had the latest phone, the most comfortable bed, all the food you ever wanted, rich parents who got you into your favourite university but when you cried I came! Why? Because I was your best friend. ❞

A 042. ❝All I ever wanted was to be enough for you!❞

A 045. ❝I can’t stay here anymore.❞

F 047. ❝I am who I am because of you.❞

"Lee ____."

The sound of your name echoing in the empty cabin broke you out of the thoughts that were living rent free in your mind since last month.

"I was calling your name through the speaker, Miss ____. This is a workplace, not your house. I don't need another one of my good employees slacking off," Mr. Min said in a harsh tone.

You really couldn't blame him. Your performance had been deteriorating recently. Although there were many reasons for that, you couldn't help but blame one single one.

Breaking your friendship with your boss.

The atmosphere of the sixth floor of Min Corporations, Seoul was extremely awkward ever since you screamed at your boss and told him to f*ck off.

It was a pleasant day for Yoongi on the fourth of October but unfortunately for you it wasn't. You had been receiving taunts from your coworkers since the last 6 months because of the unfair mistreatment of every one except you.

You spilled coffee on some of the important papers? It's okay, Mister Min got Yena to duplicate them with a deadly glare.

You broke the printing machine? It's okay, Mister Min told Sam to contact people to get it fixed even though it was his break.

You lost your identification card? It's okay, Mister Min doesn't charge you for a new one even though he did charge Mingi who informed just 2 days after you did.

Eunha accidentally messes up the presentation (which goes unnoticed by the investors)? It's not okay, Mister Min screams at her till the poor girl is crying in front of her coworkers.

You go to console Eunha as you heard her crying in a bathroom stall? It's not okay, she shoves you away and says that you have a privileged that no one at that office had and that you'd never understand her.

You hated to admit it but you were glad that Yoongi was treating you like that. You had never faced his wrath and you wished to keep it that way but you couldn't.

You knew just how bad your coworkers were feeling at your idolization by Yoongi so you confronted him.

A soft knock on the door makes Yoongi say come in. You slid inside the room, closing the door behind yourself. "Oh ___, it's you," he says as he looks up.

"We need to talk," you pause, inhaling a deep breath, "about the mistreatment of your employees."

"What about it?"

You scoff.

Was he really unaware of what environment he had created in his office?

"'What about it?' Can't you see that you're favouring me?!" you speak in frustration.

"Do you not like it? I'm your friend after all-" he begins but you cut him off.

"It doesn't matter if we're friends, Yoongi!" you speak, "not only is this extremely unprofessional but also very disappointing! You can not favour me just because we're friends! Did my coworkers not work as hard as me for the interview? Why was I informed that I got the job an hour after giving the interview when it took Ji-Hoon 3 months?"

"If you hate me so much then why di you come to my company? There are tons of other companies!"

"I was poverty-stricken!" you scream at his face.

"Wh-what?" his eyes are wide, "you didn't have money?! Why didn't you tell me! I could've helped y-"

"I didn't need your help," your stand your ground, "I didn't want to depend you and use you but I did by applying for your company, knowing full well you would give me the job because I was your friend!"

"You could've told me, ___..." he sighed, hating that you both were in this situation.

"I never felt comfortable enough..." you whisper, "everything was about you, Yoongi. We never talked about me which is I was relieved of because I was ashamed. It was always what I ate or if i was free to hang, never 'are you ok?'"

You were growing angrier every second, your face contorted in rage.

"I regret taking this f*cking job! I regret going to the interview but there was nothing else for me to do!" You breathe heavily before continuing.

"I had nothing but I had to be there for you at all times! I was eighteen! I was jobless, I had no family, I couldn’t get into a good university! Then came your stupid little heart break, I had to leave everything and come to your house in the middle of the night! I missed my admission test because you wanted me to be there for you! That night I went home and had nothing to eat! Not even a single slice of bread while you had the latest phone, the most comfortable bed, all the food you ever wanted, rich parents who got you into your favourite university but when you cried I came! Why? Because I was your best friend."

"____, I didn't know you felt that way..." Yoongi spoke.

"No, Min Yoongi. You knew how I felt! You knew that I missed my admission test. You knew that I had a bad time at my previous job. You knew that I was going through depression but you did nothing."

"You were my only friend, I would be all alone without you. Yes, you treated me like shit but atleast I could hang with someone. And that was the only reason why I was always there for you. I didn't want you to find someone better and replace me... All I ever wanted was to enough for you! But you had to be a f*cking piece of shit!" You yell in frustration, "I... I can't stay here anymore."

"I understand how you feel, ____. I was a crappy friend as well as a crappy boss. I am sorry for all the emotional distress I have caused you. You may leave early today," He spoke with brown guilty eyes.

Wait

He didn't really think you were going to stay with him, did he? He thought you had no self-respect. It was difficult to find a job then since you were so inexperienced but now you are the best at what you do. You could find a job easily.

"No."

"I am quitting this job. I will not be with someone who hurt me. I am qualified enough to find another job, thanks to you. I am who I am because if you." You spoke.

"Lee ____, you are going to keep this job. Either you can stay or I could blacklist you. And you already know, as the CEO of one of the biggest companies, I could blacklist you right now and you wouldn't find a job anywhere else. You wouldn't even be able to sell fruits," He said with a glare.

"Are you threatening me?" You scoff, "f*ck off, Min Yoongi."

And with that you stormed out of the building with a high head leaving a regretful Yoongi behind.

The most embarrassing thing was that you failed the interview for your new job after that speech.

[rumblelibrary]

Hello,

Can you do a zemo or Laszlo x reader where he is helping the reader get away from an abusive boyfriend?

Also happy (late) birthday!!! 🎁 🎉💐

Acceptance [Dr Laszlo Kreizler x Reader]

Word count: 1.5k

Warnings: mention of abuse

A/N: I had to do Laszlo, mostly because I feel like Zemo's way with you in an abusive relationship would be like: consoling you while accidentally getting your ex murdered.

Laszlo was quietly dictating to you while you typed quickly onto your typewriter. You were his private secretary and you helped him with correspondence and noting down ideas and reflections during his sessions or while he planned a new article or book.

You loved your job, you learned so much and your vision of the world broadened widely since you met with the alienist.

Somebody that wasn't happy with this arrangement was your fiancé. Your engagement was going on from few months but he courted you a lot before, your father adored him because of his military background and your mother would have prepared you to move into his house in a second just because of his last name.

You weren't deeply in love with him from the beginning but at least he gave you the feeling that you could earn some happiness, some kinship maybe with time.

But then the twist of fate, your friend Sara found you this job opportunity at the Institute and you begun enlarging your circle of friends and then Dr Kreizler taught you a lot about human mind, about what is instinct and what is feeling, about how some ideas that they put in your mind were just the easy way out to complex questions about women’s bodes or human mind.

He trusted you and you trusted him.

You fiancé seemed unsettled by the situation and often gave out remarks on how Kreizler kept you out at ungodly hours and it wasn’t respectable for your name and how you should be more careful. You found Dr Kreizler an handsome and interesting man from the moment you shared the first courtesies, so you didn't feel like getting mad at your boyfriend since you had a little pin of guilt in you, even if in reality nothing ever happened beside a very good friendship, but in such times even that could be seen as too much and you, being you, knew perfectly how your mind travelled discreetly toward the handsome doctor.

The situation with your partner started quickly deteriorating, your family admired him so much and saw him as the perfect candidate for you that they didn't even consider something could be going wrong. When you slowly begun to put together how he talked to you, the words he used to address you started striking in, from remarks to proper insults until they felt like a judgment given from above to you. You talked about it with your parents but they justified him. He probably meant it to 'wake you up'. You're too sensitive. He is a hard man, he probably means it in the best way and you're overreacting.

When words became actions, you didn't know who could you talk to so you kept quiet.

Under the heavy cloths of the victorian Era your shameful secret was guarded, the tickling clock toward your wedding day felt more and more like being condemned to life sentence in prison.

"Damn"

You hissed as you typed the last sentence wrong and you had to do it all over again.

"Y/N" Laszlo said as he leaned his head on side, cursing from you was rare if not completely unexpected.

"I apologise doctor, we can keep going and I will adjust it alone, I don't want to rob you of your time"

It was a tendency that you took up lately to be a bit too much apologetic. You apologised for everything, he almost expected you to be apologising for breathing. Which wasn't healthy but he promised himself not to be his usual alienist self with you and start analysing every change.

But he hated to see you like this, you were disappearing for some reason. You brought sunshine in the Institute and in his office, you decorated your desk with your favourite items and colours and he missed to see them, to see you express yourself, your smile, your questions always giving him the chance to rethink, to revise theories he gave as granted.

"Come, stand up" Laszlo said as you looked up at him surprised but he was already walking away so you had to follow up.

He guided you out of the office and up over the stairs, you climbed more and more behind him huffing because of the clothing giving you little space for movement until you arrived to an heavy door that Dr Kreizler opened with a key he kept in his pocket alongside with others.

Little it took you to understand you were on the roof of the Institute, the cold breeze hitting on you as he held the door open for you and you came out with him. It wasn't too cold, the sun was still up in the late afternoon.

"I hoped you'd like to talk to me here, I lock this place because kids would come here and it is not too safe, but i often come up here to reflect"

You nodded slowly as you stared at the buildings and then at him again.

"I am fine"

He stared at you as he leaned his head on side as he leaned over the edge of the roof in a relaxed sitting position, the wind blowing lightly his perfectly combed hair "Take your time"

"Dr Kreizler, I really don't"

"We agreed about you calling me Laszlo, did I do anything to have you taking this privilege away?"

You stared at him, breath clung into your chest.

"No, it is not that, it is, well, it is not easy with my fiancé, I mean to have me working for a man and call you by your first name is not, well, appropriate”

He stared at you as he could tell it was a truth, but it wasn't enough.

"Did he want to call off the engagement? I can talk to him, reassure him that nothing happened and of my integrity toward you and the absolute respect you ever had toward your profession"

He said as you bit the inside of your cheek, but you tried to hide it.

"I think it is not needed"

"So it wouldn't be enough for him, that's what you mean?"

You almost chocked on air because it was true, it was an hazard he did from that comment but the result made it worth it.

"Y/N" he said taking a deep breath in and moving closer to you “I am not here to tell you how to live your life, I am nobody’s counsellor about right choices”

You looked up as he was so close to you and he was staring directly to you.

“Don’t take this as me talking to you as an alienist or your chief, but as a friend who is deeply concerned about your current state”

He took a brief pause and the fact you were too afraid by that closeness to reply, it just showed how much there was underneath the surface.

“Nothing can’t be undone, not even an engagement” he finally said “It is some time that you’re not only distant and that’s since that ring appeared on your finger, but you’re also deeply sad and I am afraid to ask what is going on with your left shoulder to make you always wince when you lift even a pen”

You bit on your bottom lip as you trembled on the spot biting so hard, almost to the bleeding point until he pushed gently his hand to touch your jaw making you undo that silly torture onto yourself, the lump that you kept for month in your throat finally ready to be set free as you let to a sob of pure pain.

“I-I..”

He looked at you and smiled warmly, welcoming

“..I am so scared”

He leaned his hand on your back gently pulling you into a hug as you begun to cry like one of the kids in the Institute.

A cry made of heavy tears of fear, of loud uncontrollable sobs and your hands clasped over his jacket like for a dear of life.

“It is okay, I am here, you can stay here for the night and we will make everything alright”

His voice calm, warm like the home you daydreamed when imagined to have a family yourself.

“Doctor, I swear I am not lying”

“I know Y/N, I know, I believe you” he said as he gently held you resting his hand on your back, gently caressing you into warm circles “You are being so courageous to do this first step, no fear now, I won’t let you live another day like this”

“But”

“I told you” he murmured looking down at you “I believe you”

You nodded as you finally accepted it, he could really help you, even if you said barely anything he saw it, he saw your pain and your pain could have been caused by a needle, an angry cat or an abusive man.

It didn’t matter, your pain was now his, and he won’t let you live with it any time soon.

Tagged @cazzyimagines @lieutenantn @handmaiden-of-mischief@thesunflowersutra @zemomybeloved@fictionlandslanddreams@charistory @greeneyedblondie44@apparrio @hb8301@whatawildone @rhymerhymerhyme @thehuiabird @lilith-blackrose @unbeatablecurlgirl@obsidianlaszlo@alindeluce@zemosimp05 @baronesszemo-blackwood @nocapesdahling

Let me know if you want to get tagged to my publications too <3

[prcttylittlebirds]

openpassionates​:

VENUS COULD ONLY shrug once rafael points out that she was using the label as a reminder. even with him saying he’s aware, she still believed that he needed it because he would act on his feelings without any second thought. she fights the urge to cross her arms again. “you’ll say you don’t need a reminder but yet you subconsciously act on your feelings with no regards whatsoever. you spent weeks acting on feelings and left. so i’ll say we’re friends however many times i want until you really get it because i can see that you don’t. it’s all in your actions.” as much as she wanted to ignore what she’s blatantly shown, she couldn’t. outside looking in, she’s aware that people may be under the impression that her relationships with aiden, gabriel, and christopher may have ruined her outlook on love but she thinks her mistrials have made her wiser and more self-loving. “you already live in la. you have a house in la. acting like it’s a huge move is not being honest with yourself. excitement or not, look at where you are. you going back to la would just be you changing your mind. you hopped on a long ass flight and you’re talking about you haven’t fully decided. you’re saying you still have a choice but you’ve made the choice already rafael, and now you’re just speaking on technicalities.” if there’s one thing venus hated, it was when people sugarcoated things or said things that they thought she wanted to hear. she feels like that’s exactly what he’s doing. his way of expressing that he wanted her was genuine to her at least, but she wasn’t buying into anything else. “you did what you wanted to do. i can tell. you’re so hell bent and comfortable with london that you wished that i lived here as if you don’t have a house in both places. if you have some regret then okay but don’t sit here in my face and say that you haven’t made a choice when we’ll be 8 hours apart again in 72 hours.” venus asserts, followed by a small sigh. she creates more space between them by pouring herself another glass, suddenly needing another swig of what they were drinking before they went out to the dinner that turned into chaos. “what else is there to discuss? because this wasn’t supposed to be something dragged out for me. i just wanted to say that i don’t do ultimatums, had no expectations that you’d choose la anyway, and that what you did wasn’t a good thing to do.”

mentally coaching himself, raf knows his patience is slowly deteriorating. he doesn’t want to give up, but his head is starting to hurt from all the tension building in his face and neck. there’s nothing he could say that can break the wall venus seems to have up now. “even with me saying i agree with you and that i was in the wrong, which i clearly was— you still find something, anything to push back with. i acted on my feelings, and i should’ve been using my head. i’m a very passionate person, when i want something, i go for it. i want you so i went with what i was feeling. this is getting out of hand and i honestly, truly am sorry for being misleading with my intentions.” he apologizes again so that she really hears him because he doesn’t think she’s listening. he’s in no way excusing his wrongdoings and he doesn’t want her thinking otherwise. he takes a seat in a chair in the corner of the room, away from her. he needs a second. as he’s sitting he listens to her speak about how he’s speaking in technical terms, when truthfully, to him, la isn’t a second home, but a place where he crashes during race season. he’s been thinking about her everyday since he’s met her. since that day his view on la has shifted a bit. he wishes she could see that. “you know—“ he quietly begins. “you say i’ve already made up my mind… made my choice. okay. let’s say i have made a choice, does that erase how we feel about each other? i know how i feel about you and living in london isn’t going to change that. you calling me your friend isn’t going to change that. i can change my living situation. i can change my mind. if i want to live in la what’s stopping me? an argument isn’t.” he stops talking again to give her time to respond.

[thefanficmonster]

Just Two Sad Roommates

Corpse Husband x Reader(Female)

Warnings: Swearing (maybe)

Genre: Angst, Fluff

Summary: The power of medieval tavern music gets put to the test when Corpse’s roommate is having a rough day. SPOILER ALERT: it’s more powerful than anyone could assume.

Requested by Anon. You know who you are 😊😋 Wish I could tag you, I loved this idea so much and had such a fun time writing it. Hope you enjoy it just as much 🥰

The last twenty four hours haven’t been so great. 

Last night I had a huge fight with my boyfriend over his flirty messages with several girls. It was not just witty banter, it was way more and way more hurtful to me. He obviously denied it and defended himself, at least in the beginning of the argument. Then he took on the accusatory stance, pointing fingers at me for living with another guy. That had me absolutely fuming. Not only was his statement fabricated and literally made up on the spot, but he also used some seriously horrible insults for him. I was having non of it. Corpse is a really great roommate, sweet guy and overall amazing person. I haven’t once argued with him since we’ve started living together. We’re actually quite good friends. So hearing my asshole boyfriend call him all those names was more than enough to chase him out of the apartment. Thankfully, Corpse wasn’t home to hear all that. He rarely leaves the apartment but by some miracle this was the time he was absent.

Then this morning my mom called me to have a chat. It started off decently enough but it only remained that way for so long. It didn’t take her long to start criticizing each and every element of my existence. From my job, my boyfriend, my living arrangement, the career I’ve decided to pursue, the fact I moved to a different state, my paycheck that’s lower than her friend’s daughter’s...…..You get the point. 

Now I’m sitting here, contemplating what the two years I’ve been in a relationship with Marcus mean to me. I guess it is just like a phone call from my mother - starts off nice but slowly deteriorates. All things follow this pattern in my life, apparently. And just like the phone calls, I’ve considered ending things between me and him many times but never actually decided on it. Until now. The last part of this decision is executing it, which doesn’t look very promising. My thumbs are frozen, hovering over the keyboard.

I take a second to take a look at my life from a third person point of view, like an out of body experience. I am wrapped in a blanket, huddled on the couch like a burrito with a face. A really sad burrito with a face. I have a job where I work as much as three highly ranked workers and get paid a little over a secretary’s paycheck. I’m in a constant state of exhaustion and disinterest. I often forget I’m human and just assume I can live like a cactus - no food, no water. I have a boyfriend that’s cheating on me and most likely has been for quite some time now. And we’ve been dating for two fucking years. Man, that must be the longest cheat streak in history. Who knows with how many girls as well. And I still have trouble deciding weather to break up with him or not. Actually no, scratch that, I have already decided, but it feel so unnatural and so out of character that my body refuses to complete the task of delivering the final blow to the structure of this relationship which was already weak to begin with.

And it only got weaker when I started catching feelings for another guy. I know, I know, I’m a bad person for that, but I was never planning to act on those feelings. They have always just...lingered, loomed over me. They got stronger and stronger every time Marcus and I would fight, as though they were laughing at my mock of a relationship.

Speaking of laughter, I hear my roommate laughing in his recording room. I gave him the spare room for his recording equipment for a cheap add to his rent fee and it’s probably the second best decision I’ve ever made - first being picking him to be my roommate. He was among the first to reply to my online add and appeared the least sketchy over the phone. More hypnotizing if I’m honest. He could’ve told me he was a hitman and I wouldn’t have batted an eye, handing the keys to his room and the apartment without a second thought. All he had to do was keep talking. Again, SUE ME.

“Fuck, I’m so fucking pathetic!“ I drop my phone when all the strings inside me snap, releasing the sobs and tears I’ve been holding back for so long.

I bring my knees up to my chest, hiding my head in between them, desperately trying to shield myself from the plane crash that is my life at the moment. Crying makes me feel even sadder and more miserable but I have nothing left to do to get all the crap that’s piled up inside me out.

I’m on the verge of falling asleep, the tears have dried and the sobs have died somewhere in my chest, when I hear what sounds like music straight from Robin Hood’s time. 

Holy shit, I’ve lost it

I lift my head from in-between my knees, looking around the living room for the source of the jolly, lighthearted tune which despite all the heaviness of my self-loathing makes me feel like the main character in an medieval adventure. Wait...Holy crap, it’s that medieval adventure, Robin Hood-ass music I hear from Corpse’s room!

I whip around to face the entrance from to the hallway where I see an arm sticking out, holding a phone which is where the music is coming from. 

“Corpse?“ I call out to him in a questioning manner, shifting to a sitting position with my blanket kicked off of me and bunched up next to me.

“I can’t tell if you’re angry or sad...or both. Didn’t want to get attacked upon entering the room.“ I see the right side of his face peek out as well.

I break out into laughter, covering my mouth with one hand, “You’re such a dork.”

He takes this as a sign to come in, pausing the music as he does so. “What’s wrong?”

My laugh stops but a smile remains on my face as I look at him. He just has that effect on me. “A lot. What’s going on with you?”

He shrugs his shoulders, plopping down on the couch, “The usual, streaming Among Us. You should play with me and my friends some time.”

I scoff, “I can pull of a lie no problem. Maybe I really should.” I don’t actually consider it, it’s just funny to think about. 

I have never watched any of Corpse’s content. Not his scary story videos, not his streams, not his animated compilations. Just his songs. And let me tell you...they are hella good. One song and I was hooked.

“Hey, I have a question.“ I tilt my head to look at him, “What’s with you and your love for medieval adventure music?“

“Medieval tavern music, and it’s not really love.“ He shakes his head with this dopey grin that is just. so. adorable. “More like a coping mechanism. Tell me, did you feel less sad I played it for you?“

I stop and think for a second. “Yeah, I think so.”

“Point made.“ He declares, leaving me to nod in amusement. “Now, tell me what that ‘a lot’ is.“

So, I do. I tell him everything, from how my boyfriend is cheating on me to how my mother thinks I’m a complete failure. He listens carefully, paying close attention to everything I’m saying. I catch myself laughing a few times while I retell the recent upsetting events.

Must be that music.

“So, you broke up?“ He asks once I end my monologue with a sigh

I shake my head disappointedly, “Not yet. I still haven’t pulled the plug. I don’t know what to say.”

He holds out his hand to me, “May I be of assistance?”

I look at his hand then at him and contemplate for only a second before deciding ‘what the hell’ and handing over my phone after unlocking it. The screen displays my boyfriend’s chat so Corpse just types away what he has in mind. Before pressing ‘send’, he hands the phone back to me. “Proofread it.”

‘Dear Marcus, this is one of your girlfriends speaking. Yes, one of them. You think I’m not onto what you’re doing, you little shit? Well, to your dismay, I am. And so, I discontinue this relation between us. That word might have been too long for your IQ so let me rephrase: We are over. Finished. Hope your other girlfriends wake up too, unless they are already in the know, of course. Love, but really hate, Y/N‘

I was never aware this level of sass even existed.

I add a smiling emoji and send the message, sighing in relief. “I can check that off my to-do list now.”

We both lean back on the couch, looking up at the ceiling. A moment of comfortable silence takes over, leaving us both wandering in our own heads.

“Hey, um, I wanted to do this when I first moved in, but then I met your boyfriend and I took the hint. Now that you’re single, would you want to...“ he sounds a bit uncertain but continues regardless, “It’s ridiculous cause I don’t really like the idea of going out, but maybe we could order take-out...“

“Are you circling around asking me on an at-home date?“ I am surprised by how unbothered I manage to sound while I’m squealing on the inside. It’s fascinating how quickly a person can flip someone’s day around. Turns out it wasn’t the music at all. It was him that had the positive effect on mine.

Out of the corner of my eye I catch his face turn red and have to contain my laughter. The grin can’t be tamed though, especially not when he says, “Yes.”

Internally squealing, I launch myself from the couch, standing up straight in front of him. “Thai. My usual order is on the sticky note on the fridge. But first,” I offer him my hand, “I need to find out if a person can even dance to that ridiculous music.” At his amusement, my grin widens, “May I have this dance?”

He laughs that adorable laugh of his I’ve only heard through the layer of a wooden door. It’s even cuter when there’s nothing between me and its source. The source is cute too, not gonna lie.

With a shake of his head which is most likely disbelief, he takes the hand I’ve offered him, saying: “And you call me a dork.” 

@susceptible-but-siriusexual  @simonsbluee  @save-the-sky  @hacker-ghost  @itsminniekat  @bi-andready-tocry  @imtiredaffff  @jazzkaurtheglorious  @hereforbeebo  @fandomgirl17  @chrysanthykios  @maehemscorpyus  @loraleiix  @letsloveimagines  @annshit  @i-cant-choose-a-username-help  @enigmaticmaze

[h50europe]

Why the myth about Steve's PTSD doesn't add up and other inconsistencies

In the last few episodes of H50, PL tried to sell us a mentally broken Steve suffering from PTSD. Only the whole thing came a bit too late. The clip you see is from season 4 and ended up - no, not in the series - but somewhere on the floor of PL's editing room. And why? after Kurtzman and Orci departed, along with their writers, PL took the helm and started turning Steve into a super-soldier. He stylized him into something that wasn't meant to be. Instead of developing the characters, PL began to incorporate more and more hair-raising action sequences into the series and then let Steve fight on the front lines. There was no mention of Steve's mental state, and a lot was explained by PL with: it just happened "offscreen." Yeah, sure. PL can't create a decent character. He can only produce stereotypes and one-dimensional beings. Like Adam. What potential would that character have had had he been turned into Five-0's antagonist? But no. So his role remained diffuse and monotonous. Sometimes even tragicomical.

Back to Steve. When SEAL Team started on CBS, PL also lapsed into SEAL mania. If someone who writes fanfiction were to produce as much garbage as this man did, he would be chased away from every writers' platform in disgrace. PL's Super SEAL also had to rescue his team members from a blazing inferno. Not man by man, no, he flew a helicopter right into the danger zone and lifted a whole cabin out of the burning jungle. If lunacy had a name, it would be PL. While the action became more and more exaggerated and unrealistic, the same happened to the protagonists. After the departure of Daniel Dae Kim and Grace Park, PL completely lost his mind. And please, don't blame the writers for the nonsense that was thrown at you. A series stands and falls with the showrunner. He dictates what he wants and passes it on to his staff.

And so, lovable Steve became a soulless robot who only showed feelings here and there. Danny diminished more and more into a sidekick. McDanno became a ship that drifted anchorless through a stormy sea and threatened to capsize again and again. From season 8, it became a reboot of the reboot. PL tried an ensemble show and failed more than miserably. Often the actors just stood around bored. At least that was the impression. The only highlight was episode 8.10. A feast for all McDanno fans. But even here, the outcome of "who shot Danny" was more than insubstantial.

Wait, there was something about SEALs... Oh, yes. Junior appeared on the scene and became Steve's lapdog. I really wondered when there was going to be an episode where he would fetch sticks for Steve. Luckily we had Eddie for that. And because he thought he was so clever, PL invented the episode speed dating. How many subplots can you squeeze into one episode at the same time? In some episodes, you couldn't even take a look at the bag of potato chips without losing the thread.

The case of the week became the yawn of the week. There were so many loose ends that PL then came up with something called retconning. That's what you do when you're no longer satisfied with what was once established in the series years ago, or it no longer fits. But PL went one step further and did the same with the characters. The more the series was dragged out, the more the characters deteriorated and became OOC. It means, often, they were not recognizable at all. And that's where we come to Steve. Because PL, in his desperation, didn't know what else he could do to Steve, and so he killed Joe White. He did it in such a cheesy way with a fake sunset that it made you sick.

Of course, one episode later, there had to be another gig of PL's favorite Barbie. He stuck a fake beard on poor Steve/Alex, so he couldn't even hug Danny/Scott properly. The episode also raised more questions than it answered any. And Steve? He still didn't suffer from PTSD, even though he had now lost Joe White and a fellow SEAL. Everyone is dropping like flies, except for Steve, who is standing like a rock. No matter what. He doesn't need in-depth talks with Danny, nor psychological care, nor any sleeping pills. No, he's doing great. He also opens a restaurant with Danny because apparently, the carguments are already getting on PL's nerves. Unfortunately, this plot device leads into nirvana. The idea was nice, but nobody thought it through to the end. And the merry-go-round continues. Until we get to season 10, where it gets even more absurd. Now PL is almost bombarding us with McDanno episodes, or at least it should seem that way. Oh well, he's already planning for season 11, so a new character has to come on board quickly. While in the beginning, Steve's mother, Doris, dies.

Alex was allowed to take on the subject. Of course, only under the strict eyes of PL. He then nullifies Alex's idea that Steve kills his mother. Because a good soldier and Super SEAL won't do that. Little does PL know. THAT could have been the opening of a PTSD scenario for Steve. However, apart from that, this episode would have had any potential for a multi-arc. Just imagine Steve chasing his mother across multiple episodes. Again, PL stepped in and butchered Alex's episode. You can really feel sorry for the guy. PL at his best or worse? He just can't help it. And then, on the very last meters of the series, he brings someone new, who is allowed to cruise around with Steve most of the time. Because Danny was kidnapped by Wo Fat's widow, PL also invented quite late to have some villain at his disposal. This wannabe mastermind must really have been living under a rock somewhere if she wasn't even mentioned by her husband or appeared earlier.

Because towards the end, PL obviously ran out not only of steam but also of ideas, everything culminated in a wildly illogical scenario. Steve has to live through a dramatic day with Eddie, who stands as a metaphor for Steve (as I said, PTSD was never a thing for Super SEAL), Danny bangs his brains out in a ladies' room with a complete stranger, who dies shortly after that in an accident with Danny's rental car. Apparently, there was no budget to turn the Camaro into scrap metal. Danny then also goes home alone, ignoring the incoming emergency vehicles. Everything remains open at the end of the episode. While Steve expresses his gratitude to Tani and Quinn and says, he would be just as lost as poor Eddie without the dog and all of them. The strange thing is that you never notice anything until that sentence. A few forced dialogues are supposed to make the drama visible, but they all happen way too late or are so poorly written that you miss them.

PL had decided early on to make Steve a Teflon hero. That also means he didn't need to put much substance into the character. Which you can clearly see if you compare the first three seasons to the rest of the series. But towards the end, PL wanted to turn the tide and forcefully rewrote Steve's past. There is a huge difference if you compare Steve from seasons 1 to 3 with Steve from season 10. It is only a sparse remnant of what made this character so great. This change in Steve's personality also affects his relationship with Danny. The witty, affectionate banter degenerates into a snappy, humorless bitch-fest that takes all the joy out of it.

The final two episodes could have been written for any other crime show. As mentioned, we have Cole, who even gets a book'em Cole from Steve, which can only be described as out of line. And it begs the question, was that what Lenkov originally had in mind? Danny out of the show and Cole in? Was the last episode, which mainly featured McCole, something of a test run? Did all the McDanno moments happen only to tear the two apart eventually? Was the real final scene the one where Steve and Catherine take Danny's coffin back to Jersey? Was Danny not supposed to survive? Was that the real reason Steve wanted to get out of Hawaii because he wanted to pay his respects to Danny? And would he really have returned to Hawaii later? Or would he have turned his back on Hawaii? To me, this ending is more plausible than what PL served us. Then, Steve handed over his credentials to Cole instead of Danny, his second in command. Honestly, you can't make the end of a series any more sloppy and dumber than that. And I won't even lose a word about the last 1:30 minutes because I think everything has already been said.

No PL, mission absolutely not accomplished. You created Teflon-Steve. You never wanted him to show any weakness. You turned him into a superhuman who can survive anything. Only to pull the rug out from under him on the last few meters to the finish line and spit on his legacy. How can you dismantle such a great series and its characters like you did? How much do you have to hate something to do that? In the final interviews, the showrunner didn't exactly cover himself in glory either. Everyone who grew up with the series from day one knows that its end was wrong on all the possible levels and that the showrunner is solely to blame for that. It takes a fair amount of egoism and carelessness to drive 10 years at full throttle against the wall. Not many people can do that. Whether you can be proud of that, however, I doubt.

My respect if you have made it this far. Each of you gets 10 extra brownie points for it.