#i can cope up with being alone better than anyone i suppose but i still think i'm... missing out a lot

[holysweetnachofries]

how do you guys make any friends in your universities, i've tried talking a lot (considering how socially anxious i normally am most of the time) but i still can't land a single circle and it makes me really sad

[ephemeral--dreams]

take it & put it inside of me (1/2)

Scaramouche/Reader

Rating: M

Word count: 1042

Warnings: He's so angy and he's taking that out on everyone around him, unhealthy relationships, minor violence. He's in his Fatui era you know what to expect

Notes: Back at it again with another multichapter

( part 2 )

☆ ☾ ☆ ──────────────────

Stupid recruits who don't know how to leave well enough alone or respect those in power - the most annoying kind of person to deal with. Were it up to him, he'd not have any of this. Scaramouche has enough people working under him already, and they're all trouble enough. But here he is having to waste his time punishing someone for their idiocy.

He raises his hand—

You catch his wrist before the blow lands.

The recruit goes running off the moment he gets the chance to, leaving you all alone to deal with the consequences of your intervention. Ungrateful. But Scaramouche doesn't care to pay attention to that right now, as he rips himself out of your grasp. You don't flinch as he turns the full force of his anger on you. If his glare frightens you the way it does everyone else faced with it, you don't show it. 

You're one of the Tsaritsa's attendants, that much he can tell by the uniform. Were you his own subordinate, you'd have been obliterated by now. It's only by his good graces that you're still standing and not begging on your knees like the man you'd just saved. 

"Just what do you think you're doing, getting in my way?"

"You go around attacking anyone who makes the mistake of earning your wrath, hm? I suppose that's why everyone avoids you."

Who do you think you are to speak to him that way? You were on your way to being the next one under attack. "What business is that of yours?"

"Well, for one, it disrupts productivity in the Fatui if people are injured, and also, shouldn't you find another coping method-"

His eyes narrow. In a split-second, lightning-quick, he has you against a wall with a hand around your throat.

"Get to the point. You think you're any safer from me than anyone else?"

Your gaze is steady as it meets his. Your pulse under his touch only increases pace slightly. You're not nearly as afraid as you should be, and it's throwing him off. And then you open your mouth and make it worse.

"All I'm saying is that you've got a lot of anger. Wouldn't it be nice to have someone to take it out on? One person, instead of everyone?"

"You can't possibly be serious. You're telling me you want me to hurt you?"

"Let's just say it'd be mutually beneficial. Yes or no?"

And so it goes. Whenever he feels particularly angry or violent, he seeks you out. You never seem to be far away, nor do you ever protest when he drags you off somewhere, even if you're occupied with something else. It's odd. Everything about this arrangement is odd. 

At first he goes along with it because he's interested in how much it'll take before you back out. He figures it'll be soon. Scaramouche is not known for holding back. He certainly doesn't do so with you. It would be counterproductive. 

But no matter how he beats you, bullies you, even uses his vision… You do not try to tell him to stop. He's not sure if he's fascinated or irritated. You're an enigma to him. He dislikes not being able to figure you out. Especially when you seem to have him all figured out.

Still, he can't say you were wrong. It's nice to have someone entirely under his control whenever he feels like it. It'd be more fun if you'd beg a little, but he'll take what he can get. It does the job. It's almost funny that you can take a beating better than any of his subordinates who were supposed to be trained to be stronger. 

Yes. It's fine, as long as Scaramouche ignores the sense of wrongness he feels when he looks at you. As long as he doesn't question why you let him do this.

☆

Sometimes it's as simple as that. Sometimes it goes further between you. Then again, he's rough no matter whether it's sex or violence, so does it matter on the end?

There's always this empty sort of look in your eyes when he hurts you, like you're not entirely there. It's frustrating - nothing he does ever seems to pull you back to reality. Sure, your body reacts to the pain, but it's not quite satisfying when he doesn't get to see the light leave your eyes in despair. You're a distant creature, too far above it all for anything to cut you too deep. It reminds him of the gods he despises. 

Either you're far too good at hiding your emotions, or you simply don't feel any at all. 

Scaramouche envies you in that regard. He has no heart yet can still feel more than he wants to. You have one yet don't seem to be more than a husk of a human being.

He watches you move to get up, the way your back is covered in bruises, the tired sigh that shifts your frame. "You said this was mutually beneficial. What are you getting out of it?"

You hum, sliding back into your clothes before bothering to answer. "Does it matter?"

"Are you in the habit of answering questions with questions? What, is it that you're a masochist or something? There has to be some reason you let me do this."

You choke on a laugh. He wishes he could see your face, but you haven't once turned back to face him. "Sure, we'll say it's something like that. Goodnight, Balladeer."

☆

It proceeds this way for a couple of years. The arrangement works for you both, even if he never comes to understand it, so there's no need to change anything. You easily shed any questions he tries to ask, keep your heart guarded from his hands, and remain as solitarily distant as ever no matter how much he tries to pull you down to him.

Annoying, horribly so, but useful. At least you're pretty to look at.

It doesn't last much longer. He goes to Inazuma, then it's all a rollercoaster of uphill-downhill from there. You do not go with him, of course. He's hardly going to drag his punching bag on the run with him. And as for when he gets to Sumeru… Well, you're not there either.

Yet as he is wired into his new godly form, he wonders what it would be like to have you as one of his followers.

Scaramouche does not have time to wonder soon after. 

[iamgodsoopsie]

Astarion Headcanons (that you probably won't like) Pt. 3:

Part 1 link

Part 2 link

More Astarion headcanons that are mostly me projecting onto a fictional character to help me process my own trauma!

BG3 does an excellent job at depicting SA trauma and the beginning of the healing process/journey. Many of the headcanons I've seen floating around (intentionally or unintentionally) gloss over the uglier side of healing from (prolonged) trauma. I'm not judging anyone for magically healing him, he's fictional after all, but I'd like to make some more ...realistic... headcanons.

Disclaimer: Everyone's healing process looks different, but they tend share commonalities. These headcanons are based on my own experiences. Not everyone who is healing from their trauma will experience what I have or have experienced it like I have.

[Please don't message me with explicit details about your trauma. I am at the point in my healing journey where I can share my experiences, and commiserate with other's similar experiences, but I am unable to support others in a more personal manner at this time. I wish you the best of luck in your healing process/ journey.]

Spoiler warning

Mental illness, SA, & SH (suicidal ideation) Trigger Warnings: More descriptive and potentially triggering than part 1, but about equal to part 2.

These headcanons are based on an Astarion who is still a spawn and romantically involved with a Tav who honestly loves him and isn't abusive or manipulative. Also Cazador is dead and Astarion got to stab him. They also assume that he himself does not turn into Cazador 2.0 or wish.com Cazador.

Have things been going well for awhile? Is he reclaiming his sexuality at an exponential rate? Does he think he's practically conquered his trauma?

-> If you said 'Yes' to any of the questions above, then be ready for: A trigger he didn't know he had hitting him out of no where and setting his mental health on fire.

->-> If he's at a place in his healing journey that he is able to recognize what happening and use his healthy coping tools/ honest communication to process his unexpected emotional (maybe literal) flashback then it'll be a not fun time for him, but he'll get through it fairly quickly with minimal mental damage.

->->-> If this happens closer to the beginning of his healing journey then be ready for him to spiral and catastrophize. He'll insist that he'll never truly be free of Cazador, that he's broken, that he isn't allowed to be happy, etc. All you can really do during this time is be there for him. Reassure him that you love him and that you believe that he will get better.

->↑ This is a normal part of the healing process, it's shitty and God-awful- but it gets easier to manage and happens less frequently over time.

Even if he weren't an immortal vampire he's still a high-elf and will probably outlive you. And boy oh boy the pressure he's going to put himself under to hurry up and heal is going to be immense AND counterproductive!

-> Poor bby is terrified that he'll finally be happy only for it to be ripped away from him.

->-> Him rushing his healing will only make it harder for him to heal, and he knows this. But Gods damn it all he can't seem to shake the feeling that he's running out of time (okay Hamilton).

->->-> I gotta be honest, I have no fucking clue how to help him with this. I suppose that the only thing you can do is love him with the time ya'll have.

->->->-> TBH I can see him deciding that he'll KHS when you die. I know you have the best intentions, but asking him to live for you after your gone will (probably) be perceived as very manipulative.

->↑ I honestly don't think ya'll are going to come to an agreement on this if you're vehemently against the notion. It may be best to make your preference known and then leave the topic alone- as pressing it will only cause him to double down. (After 200 years of not being allowed to make any decisions for himself, he's not going to let anyone tell him how to 'live' or die).

Surviving "200 years of shit, PURE. SHIT!" had to have been exhausting. And healing from trauma is exhausting. All Astarion wants to do is rest but he feels that he can't truly rest until he heals from his trauma and he's so damn tired and has to keep dealing with this shit and he really wants to give up somedays but he'll be damned if he lets Cazador 'win'.

->↑ Healing is hard work. But it is so damn worth it.

I'll go back and edit any grammar and spelling mistakes later, but I'd really like to post this now.

[ohgodmyeyes]

Hi dad... im 20 and trans in the us and i have no idea what to do with myself... ive heard from family up in canada that things are also bad there... im just so scared how are you coping? i dont know what to do and dont really have anyone else to talk to in my family theyre all hardcore trump supporters. sorry for telling you all this i just dont know where else to turn... i hope youre well though despite everything happening right now

hey! ❤️ I'm almost 40 and definitely-not-cis, and I'm not sure what to do with myself either. we've got a jerk up here who's itching to call an election and try to form his very own ass-kissing Vichy knockoff just in time to roll out the red carpet for Leon Cocksucker and his new Führer; conservative premiers (provincial governors) have already been testing the waters re: health care and bodily autonomy; and at all levels of government, they're threatening to invalidate our charter rights via the abuse of a heretofore rarely-used mechanic intended solely for emergencies.

i genuinely believed that this was all going to turn out differently, but it hasn't, and facism spreads a lot like a cold. Canada likes to pretend to be cool but really we're just an annoying little sibling... which our collective behaviour tends to reflect, oftentimes not for the better.

by Canadian standards I'm kind of garbage, but by global standards my life is pretty charmed; i've known for a long time that it wasn't entirely sustainable, but i genuinely didn't believe I'd have the rug pulled out from under me quite like this. in retrospect i've been watching it happen my whole life, but the recent acceleration has been really — well, not surprising, but... it's been something.

anyway, i'm going on — what I really meant to say was "holy shit I'm sorry you're stuck with people like that" and "please focus on keeping yourself safe, because that has just become your primary obligation". not that it was a picnic before, but being trans just got a lot more difficult. it was supposed to "get better" — but frankly it hasn't; not meaningfully, and i'm horrified that we've let it get this bad.

not that it can't get better again — but we kind of all dropped the ball (i mean us oldish people especially), and now we have to pick up again. print out and save gay and trans stories; write down your own stories; research the past and preserve it for as long as it's available to you. strike a balance between being safe and being yourself, because while visibility just became more dangerous, it also just became that much more important.

months ago, i took my pride pin off of my bag; i hated doing it, but people are becoming increasingly abrasive, and (selfishly, certain caveats notwithstanding) I didn't want to attract any negative attention. i regret that decision now, for as much fuss as it might have spared me, and so i think I might consider putting it back on soon. maybe that will be part of coping; maybe it will help someone; maybe it will be ineffective or even harmful... but like you, I'm not sure what else to do right now. not in light of what's just happened.

things had already been a bit tough, and this isn't exactly helping, but knowing that i'm not alone in grieving what we've lost counts for something. i'm bad at people (VERY bad, like disability-cheque-bad), but none of us can afford to be an island anymore... so i actually can't thank you enough for reaching out. you've probably helped me more than I've helped you, but i hope there's something in this that resonates and makes you feel less alone anyway... because you're not, not at all, even though i'm sure it feels like it in the midst of that hellscape.

i'm going to go watch star wars now, maybe write something... but i'm still here.

someone smart once told me that if it isn't okay, then it just means it isn't over yet. i believe them. we'll make it because we have to; what other choice do we have?

[bluegekk0]

I will be honest with you, Gekko... I got Milo and Asta mixed up... I thought Milo was the darker one, and Asta was the lighter one. 😭

Aside from my little blunder... Here's an Ask;

We know of Vyrm's fear of waters and drowning... But what is Grimm's biggest/worst fear? It'd be ironic if he was scared of complete darkness, like pitch black spaces. Or maybe he's scared of tight spaces, can't handle tye cramped areas?

Hahaha yeah I can't entirely blame you for that, I usually draw them together and they have a shared reference sheet. I do want to eventually sit down and give them separate ref sheets, maybe that would help a little. Maybe it's also cause female non-human characters are often designed to be lighter in color than male characters? It is a fairly common trope so I could see why someone would assume that for the twins. I suppose it's a funny coincidence that the two male kids are both pale in color hahah

As for the question. Grimm's biggest fear is death, but not his own death, rather losing his loved ones. The fact that he could lose them at any moment keeps him up at night quite often, and he gets especially nervous when any of them gets injured or sick.

But from a more specific fear... Maybe he'd be afraid of being completely alone and isolated? It makes sense, his true form is trapped with no company or way to permanently escape, and he surrounded himself with others the moment he was banished from Godhome. Though before that, he spent a lot of time figuring out how to even create his physical form in the situation he ended up in, and I'm sure that whole period felt extremely isolating. It was just him, the only thing breaking up the complete silence was the beating of the Nightmare Heart. It'd make anyone go crazy, so it's not surprising if he now fears being put in a similar situation.

Which only makes it more sad that in his depressed state after Vyrm disappeared, he grew numb even to that fear. He'd avoid others and isolate himself in his troupe office, and it was only thanks to Divine and Brumm dragging him out of there that he was able to cope somehow. Perhaps that would only fuel his fear even further, since it'd remind him of that awful time in his life.

Now, I don't think it would be as debilitating of a phobia as Vyrm's fear of drowning, he can spend some time on his own without any trouble, though he still needs the assurance that if he needs company, he can always find it. Though that's also in big part because, unlike Vyrm, he's generally far better at coping with his fears on a daily basis.

[esidolmail]

Wataru! Mika! Hello!!

I'm also an adopted kid, just like you. My parents gave me up for adoption due to some inconvenient circumstances surrounding my conception. I was put up for adoption before I was even born and taken home by my adoptive parents shortly after my actual birth. I have a somewhat complicated relationship with my adoptive parents; I know that they mean well, and they're trying the absolute best they can, but my upbringing was incredibly rough. Granted, they're much better people now than they were before, but the damage has already been done. Despite being taken in by people who were supposed to provide for me, I had to learn to fend for myself at a rather young age. It's because of that that I've barely even had a childhood. I felt envious of people who still had their birth parents in their life, even moreso parents who gave them unconditional love and support that they needed; ones who protected them when they needed it most. I wish I didn't have to be that for myself at such a young age. I wish that I didn't have to grow up so quickly, and that maybe I could've had someone who at the very least had my back, so I could relax a little bit. Now here I am, with years worth of trauma and a grocery list of disorders to top it all off.

But that's not the point, I'm sorry to traumadump on you guys. I guess my question is, how is your situation with your adoptive parents? Did you guys ever feel any sort of resentment or yearning regarding your birth families, like you lost something you might not have even had in the first place? Did you ever have to cope with your circumstances regarding yourselves and navigating the world as an adopted child? Do you ever (still) feel out of place compared to everybody else who still had any of those people in their lives, aka their birth family and blood relatives and whatnot? Did you ever feel upset regarding the circumstances behind the way you ended up now? Did you ever learn how to cope with such a deep-seated feeling of loneliness resulting from within?

I'm sorry for bringing about such a heavy subject, and in such a long letter, too. I guess I just can't help but feel envious, despite the fact that I have more than I could've even asked for. It could be worse, I could have never been adopted at all. I could be living on the streets, truly alone. But even with all that I have, I still just can't let myself warm up to anyone. I can't let myself open up to or put any trust in anyone. That's probably not even related to the adoption thing, but other, more complicated traumas that I don't need to tell other people about. There's a lot of things that even my closest friends don't know about me. They assure me that I'm safe, that it's okay and that I'm going to be okay, but I can't fully trust anyone yet, even after years of somehow being involved in their lives. And that leads me to now, writing to you guys.

Have you ever felt the need to talk about this to anyone in your life at any point at all? Who was that person for you? How long did you have to wait to find that person?

Thank you for reading through such a long piece of rambling to the end. I'm sorry if this weighs too heavy on either of you due to its subject matter at hand. Next time I write, I'll try and leave something more of a positive note, okay?

Please take care of yourselves, and I'll continue to try and live as freely as I can in order to continue supporting you all.

Yet again, thank you.

[druidx]

Since this bit got cut in the plot rejig, but I'm still quite fond of the glimpse into Elo's character, I thought I'd share it. Please ignore the SPG issues - it's still raw.

The pair of them walk out and into the corridors of the City Hall. "So where are we going?" Nirric asks. "Actually," Elo says, "is there any possible way I can convince you to not follow me? The thing that I want to do is a bit of a personal situation and I'd like to do it alone, if I could." Nirric gives her a level gaze. "I'm sorry ma'am," he says. "But I like my head more than I like allowing you your privacy. I find I'm rather attached to my head, as it allows me to, you know, continue living." Elo stares. "King Storri wouldn't behead you just for letting me out of your sight for an hour!" she says. "He can, and he would. He'd do worse and all if you got into trouble while I was absent." "But… that's barbaric." "Aye, but such would be his wroth at me not performing this explicit duty. to be honest, I'd let him. I could not face my kin if I allowed myself to perform so shamefully." elo just stares at him. "Damn son," she says. "I know I have an overdeveloped sense of honour sometimes, but… yeah. damn." Nirric gives an easy shrug. "Either way, you're not getting out of losing me, even for a few minutes. so, I shall ask again, where are we going?" Elo stares at him, then sighs. "We're going to the training grounds associated with the Kord arena," she says. "Why?" "Because I want to get into trouble, in a controlled and orderly fashion." Nirric stares back at her. "Yeah. nope, you're going to have to explain that to me." he says. By this time they have gone down the elevator, and out the front doors and Elo hails a taxi for them.

"so, here's the thing," Elo says once they are safely ensconced in the taxi and on their way to the training ground outside the city limits. "I find my work restrictive sometimes. I get points where I find I cannot cope with the violence and horror I see on a daily basis, with no outlet to deal with it. I can't afford to lose my job, and so I can't afford to act on the urges I get towards some of the worst criminals we arrest – namely that is to destroy them wholly and completely. I must hold myself above and be better than the scum that we have to arrest and hope they will go 'down the river to the big house'. so to relieve myself I go to the Kord training grounds, where they have no qualms over under estimating a little girl like me, and so I can thoroughly thrash them, and get some relief from the trails of my day job." "So that's where we're going?" Nirric asks. "somewhere you can beat the living daylights out of someone in a free and safer environment. where there are clear cut rules of engagement and you can expect that no one will try and actually kill you." he nods "I think I approve of this idea. we, of course, have our own training grounds, but yes, I suppose our focus is on technique and restraint, not on how much damage one can do to another person without actually killing them." "Nirric," Elo says seriously, "you can't tell anyone about this, okay? No one living knows I come here." "Why not? It's a marvellous idea. I may have to suggest it to our instructions back home.." "Nirric, no. At least, not for a while. It can't look like you babysitting me and the idea has anything in common." He gives her a sideways look. "Are you… afraid?" he asks, surprised. "You never struck me as the sort of person that would be afraid of people thinking you were doing something to control yourself, and your urges and make you a better person." "I am not afraid," Elo states emphatically. "I… just don't want anyone to know." "Why?" "They… they might stop me coming. They might think less of me for being unable to control myself. For needing this crutch. People look up to me, did you know? It's unfair when there are so many other good officers, that I get held up as the example of good officership, but it still happens, and so I can't allow it to get out that I'm… not." Nirric quirks an eyebrow at her. "That sounds like fear to me. You're afraid to let people see you for a person with weakness like any other." "I have standards to maintain," Elo grumbles.

Nirric settles back and looks out the window as the houses outside get less grand, and then fewer and further between as the distance grows between them and the center of the city. "I think it's admirable," he says quietly. "I think you'll find that people will respect you more. You admit to having a weakness, but you can manage it. This sneaking off to let off steam and burn off the restless energy that brews from your job and the pressures from it is far more healthy than say turning to alcohol or other worse habits." he gives her that side long look again. "Perhaps, I may at least suggest it to his majesty? Some physical activity might lessen his nightmares," Nirric says quietly. Elo considers him for a moment, then looks away, out her own window. "Fine," she says, "but don't you dare let on that idea came from me. I find out you do and I will give you such an ass whooping." Nirric laughs. "You could always give me an ass whooping now, if you like," he says and gives a contemplative grin. "I quite like the sound of those bragging rights: me and the reforged blade of Toregurd met blow for blow, and though she kicked my ass to the curb like it was nothing, I still got to meet her in the arena and trade those blows." Elo lets out an indelicate snort and rolls her eyes, which makes him laugh again. "You people are ridiculous," she says. "Sure, and you're not?" he asks, to which she sticks out her tongue.

Soon enough, the taxi is crunching over the gravel car park in front of a large building. They get out, and Nirric insist on paying the cab fair, saying King Storri gave him spending money for her, and then they are walking up the steps to the building. It is a curious building, a mix of western brickwork and utilitarianism, with strong eastern influences shown in the scooping points of the roof tiles and large round windows. Nirric looks askance at her for it, and Elo gives an easy shrug. "Orock paid for part of it with profits from the plot hook. He uses it to train his students just as much as he does in the bar. Plus the federation that runs the Kord arena next to the plot hook likes to keep their own students on the edge, so the merging of disciplines helps keep both parties sharp." "How do you even know about this place then?" Nirric asks. "I trained with Orock for a spell myself," Elo says. "I had a very privileged training regime," she adds at his raised eyebrows and open mouth. "I see," he says, and then he laughs. "I bet that's had a hand in the way you obsess over the standards you have to keep up too. All those people poured all that effort and time and cash into making you the best you can be; anyone would feel churlish if they didn't replace that with being the absolute best they can be." Elo graces him with a soft smile. "Now you understand," she says. "Now you know why no one can know I come here. Standards-" "-to maintain," he finishes for her. "Yeah I think I'm getting it."

[writingforfishes]

lurker here. anyone got advice for being normal around people with hiccups irl? because right now my main strategy is “remove myself from their proximity asap” and i need better solutions. i know there’s nothing wrong with being horny but sometimes i don’t want to be

So, first off, I totally validate that response. Yeah, there's nothing morally wrong with being horny, but that doesn't help the discomfort of being horny when you don't want to be.

For me, personally, customer service experience has helped a great deal with being in situations that activate a part of me I don't want to feel. It's a similar feeling to being just a little tipsy (bordering on drunk) or being just a little tired and forcing oneself to still communicate as if you are completely cognizant.

I just focus on being aware of the person as someone I need to listen to (if I have to communicate with them). I pretend to be a person who is very interested in how they are or what they're saying.

I make-believe and act. I take on the role of someone who is not me. I suppose it's a very subtle kind of disassociation. It helps me stave off the mental desires and take the edge off of the arousal.

I am still going to feel arousal. I'm going to feel my nether region's physical effects. But I'm going to channel any energy from that into becoming focused on something else, whether it is distracting myself with something visual if I'm not interacting with the hiccuper (getting really into reading something or doing something performative like organizing something in front of me) or talking to the hiccuper about whatever it is they're talking about with more enthusiasm or interest than I would normally have.

But, also, I think it is completely okay to acknowledge that you are uncomfortable in the situation and need to walk away. There's no shame in taking care of your boundaries, regardless of if the hiccuper knows what they are or not.

If you're still young (18, 19, or early 20's), anonymous, you might be able to develop more tactics to stave the sensations and desires as you grow older.

You might also work in thinking of situations where you'll be with someone or around someone with hiccups and plan ahead as to what you think would be the best way to deal with the situation. There might be a specific distraction technique you could use that would be easier to apply if you have already thought it through.

It's a lot easier to come up with coping techniques (because that is, I think, what we're talking about) if you've already planned something as opposed to relying on yourself to come up with something on the fly. This might also include lists of excuses if you do need to walk away from a situation. (i.e. "I don't feel well" "I'm getting a little overwhelmed right now and need some alone time" "I'll be right back; just thought of something I need to do really quick.")

Those excuses may seem unsubstantial, but if a lot is going on anyway, most people just nod and let it be. If anyone asks, chances are they just want to make sure you're okay. Assuring them that you are and that it's not anything serious (and not anything that they're purposely doing) is the best way to escape a situation without as much scrutiny.

I hope any of this is helpful. It's hard to describe the act of being overly present in order to deal with what is causing arousal. It seems paradoxical, but it's worked for me to the point that I can even talk to someone who has the hiccups ABOUT their hiccups if I just overly involve my interest in what is being said.

[quiet-confessions]

I was so sure that I had ADHD or ADD, potentially combined with ASD but after seeing the psychologist and going through testing my diagnosis/suspected diagnosis is- Major depressive disorder (severe, recurrent) and generalized anxiety disorder, both of which were already diagnosed Schizoaffective disorder, Bipolar type 1, and Anxiety. The last few days have now have been.... really difficult for me. He talked to me about psychosis, paranoia, melancholic disposition, my hyper-dependence, and I asked about Bipolar since it runs in my family I was not expecting schizoaffective disorder to be on that list and it really scared me to read it. I have a lot of internalized ableism I supposed about reading a schizo-spec diagnosis, immediately I felt the impulsive thoughts come on, I was scared of how my partner would react, and my close friends, my family

My aunt has Bipolar type 2 and I talked to her to ask her about what she experiences, but she also told me a bit about what runs in our family. Bipolar, anxiety, major depressive disorder, schizophrenia... even my own brother has gone to the hospital due to his hallucinations.

I've had hallucinations but I don't know, I guess part of me brushed it off thinking they were normal, and that everyone gets those. Now I'm reading more and more about delusions and I'm understanding more about myself, but also angry? I'm mad that I never got help, especially before getting like this. I have so much I need to learn, so much to unlearn, I'm likely going to need to change medications and that scares me- I already hate taking medications and I don't want to have to take a lot, but maybe it would really help...

The psychologist also wrote a bit how I wasn't displaying symptoms or that I didn't mention certain things, but I wasn't asked DIRECTLY so I didn't bring them up, partially still for the above. I was also masking hard, which has been a learned and forced behavior, especially when I'm in public and trying to focus or absorb info or perform well. I mentioned echolalia and he wrote it off because I didn't do it in the meetings we had, but I'm 24, not under 12. I've learned self restraint and can do it better than a child can. That aspect feels a bit unfair to me, but now I'm questioning everything about myself, my brain, my actions

How much of what I thought was undiagnosed ADHD or ASD what actually undiagnosed schizoaffective disorder and bipolar. How much better would I have performed in school? Would I have wanted to kill myself, or almost tried, in highschool? Would I be less obese bc of my poor coping mechanisms I didn't understand I was doing? Would I have more friends, would I have less trauma from past friendships bc of being able to recognize abuse better? I'm angry.

I want better for past me but I'm also so scared for what's in store for future me. I feel better have a label and a reason, but I'm scared of the label and have to get past that, I'm afraid of how others will see me, I'm having the 'the world is against you and your friends will hate you' thoughts, I'm having the imposter syndrome thoughts, but idk idk idk

I'll use this blog again to vent and write out my feelings. Maybe that will help me, and maybe writing will help me explain my feelings to my therapist when I see her in 2 weeks.

If anyone ends up reading this and is willing to comment advice, reassurance, their own experiences etc, feel free I think I'm feeling alone and confused right now, and definitely overwhelmed

[darkdevasofdestruction]

Chapter 22 - Crimson Spider Lily

"RAIAN, WAIT!" Kisara yelled after him, but it was to no avail. "That idiot's going to get himself killed!" the auditorium was filled with cries of disdain at seeing yet another murder before their very eyes, while others were wondering whether this blatant murder was going to end up with a Kengan Penalty. Kisara was happy she was smart enough to kill the Ogre after being declared the winner, thus, it was an altercation outside of the match. Still, whatever, or... Better said, WHOever Raian noticed, was bad news.

Back in Katahara's room, the Patriarch declared the Kure Clan was pulling out of the competition, and they will be refunding the money for the contract. Nogi was angry, but there was nothing that he said out of anger that could shake the old Kure leader - After all, no contract is above family. Edward Wu, despite being Toyoda Idemitsu's guest, had to be killed - It didn't matter that they were going to be direct enemies of the Worm or Purgatory - Nothing mattered, except revenge. The leader of the Wu main clan urged Erioh to hurry already - Though neither of the old men had any idea it would be the last time they ever see each other - A friendship stronger than anything earthly, yet death takes us all, and life was truly a harsh, cruel maiden.

"Ohma." Kisara called out to her lover. "I'm going after Raian. I'm worried about him." "You know well enough wherever that brat is, there is also danger, don't you?" the girl nodded, making her husband sigh and pinch the bridge of his nose. "I suppose I know his strength better than anyone. Fine, go ahead, if anything happens I'm sure he's well capable of protecting you. Still, I want you to run away and come get me if you get overwhelmed, alright?" "Knock on wood!" Kisara gulped with unease. "Still, I have my katana at me. Might as well use it if needed. Hopefully not though." she spoke, looking absent-minded towards the hall that might still be leading towards Raian's secret destination. "You know... For a little Psycho Brat like him, Raian has been a very important person in my life while you were, well... Dead. I owe him more than I'd like to admit. The least I can do is check on him. He may be physically stronger than most, but his emotional outbursts are going to lead to his downfall if he forgets to use that dumb brain of his." Ohma recalled the frequent voice and video calls that the two had during his stay at the village, and he almost felt himself cringing. The times Kisara would shriek her desperation into the sky, urged by the Kure brat, or when he'd encourage her to cry her whole weight in tears and irrigate a whole flower garden were the times when his resolve felt the weakest, and he wanted to run to her and reassure her he was still alive and very well.

He had been shocked to see how well a snotty brat like Raian could cope with Kisara's supposed loss of her fiance, and how self-destructive she got; Frankly, Ohma never imagined his death could impact her to such a degree, but to have the ultimate confession coming from her on a late night ( As the timezones were so damn screwed between Japan and whatever country she was in at that time ) that were it not for Raian, she would not have been able to smile again, let alone muster the strength to laugh; Get the strength to get out of the bed every day, no matter how hard it was to cope with the awful reality of the excruciating loneliness she had been feeling until not too long ago, and realise that perhaps there is still a reason to keep on going, to see the Sun rise just one more time, to see the starry night at least once more, or to take in the smell of the flora, or delight yourself with the thrill of the birds... It wasn't easy, but it wasn't impossible either. Not anymore.

In theory, the man had a lot to thank Raian for - Not only for being taken care of for so long, but being helped to train so thoroughly, and even for the tremendous emotional and moral support that he offered his most beloved person alive - But like hell was he going to thank that snotty brat. It would only get to his head. Perhaps one day, though, when he gets knocked off his high horse, and Ohma wins in terms of numbers at least, during their sparring matches.

Kisara noticed that Akoya went on for his fight, and considering she couldn't care less about his fight, nor of that flamboyant blond guy's, she abruptly turned to the rest of the Kengan fighters still remaining standing in their assigned chamber, and she threw them a leisure peace sign and a grin. "As the designated emotional support of the group, and also, the coolest fighter that Kengan has - It is my duty to wish you all fantastic matches, and tell you that I'm proud of you, no matter the outcome of your matches!" she spoke cheerfully, before sending herself off with a lazy military salute, imitating her Senpai. "I'm going to look after Raian. In theory, I should be back by the time Psy-Cop is done with his match. In practice, well... That honestly depends on what he's up to." "Hey, hold up--" Takeshi was the first to voice his concerns, as well as everyone else's. "You've already been attacked once, and you're a prime target for the Worms. I'm not sure you should go out there, all alone, even if it is Raian you're searching for." Kisara, however, winked at him dismissively. "Let me worry about that, okay, Best Friend~?" she blew him a kiss, before skipping outside, towards the hall. "You sure she's going to be fine, Tokita?" Ohma looked at the Kengan fighters, all of them present ( with the exception of the odd Masaki ) having become such indispensable parts of his wife's life, without whom she couldn't imagine her life; He, of all people, knew how much she would gush over all of them, in their own way, and how much she appreciates and treasures them, equally, for everything they did for her. Ohma shook his head at them, showing his uncertainty - But has danger ever stopped Kisara from going above and beyond when she had her mind set on something in particular? "I'll just hope Raian finds her before anyone else."

That wasn't the case though, for it wasn't Raian who found Kisara first, but the other way around - Not the way she expected to ever see him though. Raian was on the ground, beaten up to a pulp, and in a pool of his own blood, laying with his face down, like a pitiful, overused ragdoll. "R-Raian...?!" the girl gasped, falling on her knees besides him. "Raian, what the hell, get up!" who could have done this, she kept asking herself - Raian was one of the strongest men she's ever known; If even HE could get beaten up to such a degree, there is no way she would ever, in a million years, stand a chance against the assailants who could get him in such a state. How could she protect him, when he has always been her protector? It was Raian who protected her against Tanji three times, he who protected her during the coup, and he who was eager to help her instill her revenge against her parents, who betrayed her - And most of all, it was he who went out of his way to text her all the stupidest things that he heard, all to make her smile, as he knew very well the struggles she was going through. She could never repay this emotional debt she feels towards him, and especially, she could never reciprocate the way he did for her. "Raian, please, get up! Don't scare me like this!" she kept trying to shake his shoulders, but he wouldn't budge.

Suddenly, a few footsteps echoed casually towards her; Based on the look of the three men towering over them, they must be members of the Westward Faction - They were really scary, and their powerful pressure sent a chill down her spine. She almost felt death knocking on her door, just by the way they were looking at her. "To think Alan tripped over a pitiful pebble like this." the one dressed more casually was the first to speak. "I guess we expected too much of the kid. What do they say in manga at times like this?" the one dressed in a suit smirked at the other. "Hey, missy." the one wearing an animal print shirt lit up a cigar. He must be the leader, Kisara realised, based on how buff he was, and how overly confident he acted towards her. "Tuck your baby boy to sleep and tell him a nice story so he won't cry from getting a boo-boo playing with the big boys in the playground. By the time he wakes up, the world will have already changed." the woman dared say no word, simply settling for tightening her grip on the Kure and nodding almost meekly. Not only was she in a clear numeric deficit, but the power imbalance tipped the scales... From Heaven to Hell, an infinite distance.

As the trio turned around on their heels and began to walk away, the warm body that Kisara was touching disappeared, and Raian had rushed forward at unimaginable speed; And though one of those three kicked his foot backwards to slam the Devil in the face, the brat was grinning, having used his forearm as a shield. That was the only successful maneuver that Raian succeeded, however, as Solomon Wu slammed his body like a golem into his own, smashing him against the wall and easily avoiding the cutting palm that the brat attempted at his face, as Fabio grabbed him by the underarms, turning him into a punching bag for the former. "Those guys are my spares. I possess the ego of Wu Hei, thanks to Huisheng. Huisheng's a little tricky, you see - You could theoretically use Huisheng on the entire clan to mass-produce Wu Heis, but that'd just lead to anarchy, cause Wu Hei's personality doesn't like serving anyone else... Then again, if the successor dies, Huisheng stops there - So I need spares, like them." Kisara cringed painfully as she watched her friend get nasty punch in his pretty face, over and over, and the knuckles of Solomon Wu breaking his skin, splattering blood everywhere. "There's also Alan, who you killed, and one other, meaning there are five of me in the Westward faction; Though we call each other by names out of convenience. Oh, wait - Guess we're down to four." "PLEASE STOP IT!" Kisara yelled, throwing herself over Solomon's arm, and keeping her whole weight to block his elbow joint, and keeping one foot straight over Fabio knee, while the other was firmly planted on the ground, she was somehow capable of keeping the fist from connecting with his face. "LEAVE HIM ALONE, YOU FUCKING PSYCHOS!" The trio laughed in unison at the girl, only for Solomon to overpower her with such ease, and elbow her in the diaphragm, slamming her to the ground, far away from them. "Silly girl, you think you're a real fighter, just because you fooled around a little and beat up some guy from the very bottom of the barrel? How cute, ain't it?" Edward Wu taunted her, watching as she was coughing and wheezing on the ground to regain her proper breathing.

Raian took advantage of the moment everyone's eyes were away from him, and he broke free with the activation of Removal - With one swift move, he was able to launch a punch to one, and a kick to another; Yet not only were both parried, but with Edward joining, he got kicked down from three spots, at the same time. What a disgrace. "Now that's what I like to call Perfect Sync. We're all ME after all." Edward laughed, cigar still between his teeth. "You're mad, aren't you? Is it because we hurt your mummy crush? Or maybe you think it's unfair, baby boy - And you'd be god-damn-right that it's unfair, and we're gonna be unfair, and fight you three-on-one! We can begin with that lovely lady over there too, just to get a rise out of you." that cruel chagrin of his was quickly wiped off by none other than the Kure Patriarch, who came out of nowhere like the true Master Assassin that he was, and impaled Fabio with his sword from behind. "Make that Two-On-Two." the Mighty Demon, Kure Erioh, had arrived. Fabio wailed as his torso was ruthlessly stabbed, yet despite such an injury, he hadn't died - Instead, he growled in anger at having had his brother killed. What a mess of a monster.

Kisara thought the Kure were strong as hell, but these guys too... They were complete maniacs, to say the least, and very, very scary. Despite his best effort at releasing his Guihun at 100%, the Patriarch cut him in half, vertically, with a simple, swift move. Kisara had formally trained in kendo herself, yet she couldn't even dream of matching the elder's assassination and sword skills overall. For once in so long, her interest had been piqued, and she found motivation to learn something more, to push herself further, just like she trained with Hatsumi and Agito previously, and master, as much as possible, another fighting style. "Edward Wu, your head is mine." the old one spared no time to waste, as he lunged forward to attack, only to have Master Wu Xing, the Head of the Chinese branch of the Wu Clan, the Master of Phantasms, engage in a surprise attack - He avenged his uncle, and now, it was time to avenge his beloved.

"Stay behind me." Raian growled, pushing the red head behind him as he started properly fighting Solomon Wu, who wanted to break free and aid his other Wu Hei sibling. "Raian, be careful! Don't let that sucker provoke you!" Kisara exclaimed, only to see that he wasn't taking any advantage over his opponent, but instead, he remained in a platitude of evenness that irked her. "Raian, you're wasting energy on unnecessary movement! Get a grip already!" the brat was glaring like a monster at the foe before him, and he was getting distracted by the main fight of the three clan leaders. "RAIAN ---" "GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK ALREADY!" Raian roared, his voice resounding harshly through the halls as he kicked Solomon so painfully strong that he sent his foe in the direction of Erioh and Wu Xing. "HEY, GRAMPS!!! MOVE YOUR ASS!!!" like a cat, Solomon ended up on his feet, very close to the main Wu Hei iteration. Raian roughly grabbed Kisara's wrist, dragging her to the other two. "YOU, SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY AND KEEP SAFE!" he was outright fuming. "I'M GONNA KILL YOU ALL!!! GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!" as if to anger the brat even more, Wu Xing and Erioh shared a look, and with a simple nod, they activated their secret techniques - Evidently, both with 100% capacity. "HEY, FUCK OFF, GRAMPS!!! HE'S MINE!!!" "Can it, whipper-snapper!" the Patriarch snapped at the boy. "Miss Kisara, if you will, please keep this brat away from this fight, he'll only get in our way." "A-Alright...!" thought the woman couldn't help but look with confused bewilderment at the old man, it was her turn to grab the boy's whole arm and cling on it. "Time to become a parasite. Sorry, kid." "What do we do? It's two on three now." clearly, Solomon wasn't counting the woman as an opponent. Great mistake for later. "What do we do? Simple!" Edward smirked at his counterpart spare. "We just bring them down to zero." what a simple reply, yet the execution was going to be hellish.

But Kisara couldn't, with her 50-something kilograms of a body, to stop the powerhouse of an unstoppable force that Kure Raian was, and though he was careful to shrug her off without hurting her, he was able to easily evade Solomon's punch by diving underneath his arm, and springing towards the Westward Faction leader himself only to get punched away with ease - She looked at the gargantuan man before her; She had a lot of very tall and well-built friends that towered over her like the Empire States Building, but the way he was glaring down at her made her afraid as never before. Oh, how she hated these fucking Worms.

The only thing she was able to witness was Edward Wu throwing away all three of his opponents with such ease that it was almost painful to witness. As Solomon turned his head to look at the three fallen opponents, Kisara quickly dug her hand inside her large pants pockets and found the opioids pills that she gulped down, and an adrenaline shot that she quickly injected in her body, and a lidocaine shot for her stitched up wound. With all the doses being a little over the superior parameter limit, she was sure, soon, she would be able to fight properly; Or at least serve as some sort of decoy. "You troglodytes are nothing like me. You've just witnessed the power of the conquerors, who've spread all across the world." she could see the way Edward smirked like the evil mastermind that he was, but her vision was getting blurry, and her mind was getting a little foggy - To be expected when engaging in a slight overdose of so many substances - They weren't even supposed to get combined, it made so sense whatsoever, but it was all she had, the very single bet she had. "It's high time you accepted death, losers." the woman yelped as she felt a merciless grasp oh her beautiful, long hair, roughing her to the ground to kneel. "Taking hostages, huh? You're an embarrassment, Solomon. You're supposed to be Wu Hei. Act like it." "Sorry." Solomon grumbled, his grip on her hair tightening. "Here, use this, have fun, but take care of the clean-up. I'll get us some 'legs'. Meet me outside when you're done." Solomon easily caught the knife that he was handed. "OI, LET HER GO, YOU FUCKING COWARD! COME FUCKING FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN!" but Raian's eyes widened as, with a move as fast as gramps', Kisara slashed away at her hair as if she was some kind of Mulan going to war, and with a twist and two slices. "FUCK YOU! OHMA LOVED MY LONG HAIR, YOU GODDAM FUCKASS! NOW IT'S ALL CHOPPY AND UNEVEN!" came her first concern as she cut Solomon's body in half, before decapitating him and kicking his head towards Edward, like a soccer ball. "I DIDN'T FUCKING TRAIN FOR SEVEN YEARS TO CONTINUE BEING ALL OF YOU, FUCKERS', FUCKING DOORMAT!" Raian's seen Kisara angry enough times - In fact, he was sure he's seen more different emotions on her face than even her husband - But now, she was livid like never before. "I DIDN'T CHANGE EVERYTHING ABOUT MY FUCKING PATHETIC SELF, TO CONTINUE BEING TOUCHED BY THE FILTHY HANDS OF DISGUSTING WEAKLINGS LIKE YOU, EDWARD WU, OR ANY OF YOUR FUCKING WORMS!" her raw yells seemed to stir some kind of inspiration in Raian's heart. "I'LL GET RID OF EVERY FUCKING SINGLE ONE OF YOU! YOU WILL PAY FOR EVERYTHING THAT YOU'VE DONE TO US!" "Gah, give me a break. You're angry at the wrong people, missy. If it weren't for Xia Jing sending the Tiger's Vessel that heart, he wouldn't have come back at all. Without us, he'd be as dead as years ago! The way I see it, you ought to sell your very life, body and soul to us, as gratefulness!" "SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DIE!" though her whole body was feeling so out of it that she was close to transcending through some kind of parallel universe, and her emotions were scorching with wrath and hysteria, she was able to see a familiar member of the Kure familiar, having come out of nowhere, a knife in his hand, ready to assassinate Edward Wu. Feigning muddle-headedness, Kisara sprung forward, pretending to slash at the enemy to offer Reiichi the opening he needed. Unfortunately for the both of them, the foe had senses them and easily immobilised them both with an iron grip on their weapon wrist. Kure Hollis also appeared out of nowhere, threatening Edward Wu, who had activated his Guihun, and throwing the two away, started throwing a barrage of punches at Hollis, who was easily drawn backwards - He couldn't release an output above 80%, and Reiichi's was even worse, at around 50%. There was no way either of them could accomplish anything at this rate. Everything remained on the trio's shoulders.

Neither of them gave up though, as one by one, Kisara, Reiichi, Hollis, and even Erioh and Wu Xing went ahead to attack the enemy, only to get tossed around like they were nothing. Reiichi seemed to have lost consciousness, whilst Hollis was stumbling, barely able to get up in a sitting position. The Patriarch had used himself as a sacrificial pawn for the Wu Leader to stab a needle in the artery of the foe... But it had failed. Kisara was the only one still continuing to get up, ever time she'd get swatted away like a fly, and thrown away like a broken porcelain doll - She couldn't feel the pain any longer, or rather said, she couldn't feel anything at all. She hadn't known the plan of the four prior to all this mess, nor that they catalogued themselves as 'Assassins', and they bet on provoking and baiting Raian to bad that he, the strongest Combatant of the Kure clan, would go so crazy that his powers would go beyond anything imaginable, including Erioh's in his prime.

Still, she needn't know the plan - She knew very well how Raian was so emotionally problematic that you could play him like a fiddle. She knew just how to get him to react so bad, that not even his own clan could recognise him. She watched as Edward Wu, with a rageful aura, snatched the needle from his neck and threw it to the ground. "Now you've done it. You've pissed me off for the last time. Pathetic! You're all just PATHETIC!" Wu Xing watched with wide eyes as his most potent poison wasn't kicking in. Hollis, unable to keep his eyes open from pain, growled, realising the opponent used Removal on his artery, and Reiichi, unable to get up from the ground, was unable to comprehend how their very old fossil of a grandpa was able to stand toe to toe with such a monster. Raian was still on the ground, and Kisara and Erioh alike could feel the dark aura emanating through him. "A single Removal user was able to defeat four of the same kind. Clearly, you don't need either Removal or Guihun or whatever the hell you call it to defeat a monster. You know what Ohma said once? Humans aren't so weak as to  need saving from heroes, or be incapable of defeating monsters." "Oh, really? Is that so?" Edward's maniac laughter would have made her run for the hills, if she wasn't so doped up on a shit ton of substances. "You think just because you killed Solomon, you can kill me too? How fucking stupid!" Kisara took off her blouse, feeling feint from the heat the turtleneck was causing her. "Oh, yeah? Fucking watch me, you fuckass. Some weak shit like you can't defeat me!" of course, she was bluffing, but it was the only way to get Raian so thoroughly fucked in his overly-emotional brain that he would snap beyond comprehension.

Every time she's rush at him, she'd get so easily countered, that it would have made her feel pathetic, were it not for the whole damn Kure clan being just as easily slapped away without even as much as a bead of sweat on his forehead. He picked her up and threw her to the ground, he roughed her up, he swatted her and even kept such a tight grip on her neck that he threatened to snap it like a dove's, only to break the concrete ground with her. Each time, however, Kisara got up, albeit, wobbly. She feared all the effects would wear off soon at this rate. "You really want to die, don't you, you stupid bitch? You doped up on all sorts of shit just to get to the same level as the weakest of either clan, but you don't compare even to scum. You're not a fighter, and you'll never be. You're being ridiculous - What are you trying to accomplish? You're giving these guys a break? The fossil's spine is broken, and all the others are weaker than children. I'll squish all of you, like the cockroaches you are - Starting with you, then that fucking brat--" "DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE INSULT RAIAN EVER AGAIN!" the boy's eyes widened with shock at the unexpected turn of events. "I'M THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO CALL RAIAN A FUCKING BRAT - BECAUSE HE'S MY FUCKING PSYCHO BRAT! MINE! HE'S MY BEST FRIEND! MY REASON FOR LIVING, MY PROTECTOR, MY FUCKING SAVIOUR -- A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT LIKE YOU DOESN'T GET TO SPEAK OF HIM!" what the hell had he done to garner such superlative compliments? He just made the girl laugh - And he hit on her all the time, while her husband was right next to him, and would hit him as soon as he hung up. He lied to her for almost three years about her husband being dead. "You call me weak and pathetic? Sure, go ahead, because that's what I am! Everyone knows I used to be a shut in who was afraid of people and lived on too much coffee and a meal per day. I used to never leave the house and only study all the time. I used to be the most pathetic thing, struggling to even open water bottles, damn it!" Kisara took a few deep breaths, her hands on her knees, unable to keep herself up straight. "But once I met Ohma, my whole life changed, you know? I found a reason to get out of bed and actually live. I have so many friends -- And they mean so much to me -- And my husband is back too -- I can't die here! Not you some fuckass like you! I can't die when Ohma's come from the dead!" "You're speaking as if you're some kind of irreplaceable beauty, how hilarious! EVERYONE is replaceable!" Edward laughed so loud that her ears were ringing from the echoing - But she yelled even louder. "I'M NOT FUCKING REPLACEABLE! I THOUGHT I WAS - I WAS SURE I WAS -- BUT I'M NOT!" she growled at him with such emotion that it made Raian tremble on the ground. "Who would call Hatsumi, Senpai? Who would be Tsuki-san's best friend? Who would play Mortal Kombat with lil bro Cos? Who would laugh at Akira for accidentally showing his nudes to his childhood best friends? Who would be Gaolang's personal cheerleader? Who would teach Agito about the real life? Who would Raian protect from all those fucking creeps - And of course - Who would be Ohma's little crybaby dumbass bookworm?!" though she tried to hide her face with her forearm, tears were streaming down her face, and the chopped up short hair was barely able to hide anything. "I DIDN'T SPEND DAYS IN A SHADY PUB FILLED WITH CREEPS JUST TO FIND A MAN I'VE NEVER MET IN MY LIFE AND HOPE HE CAN TURN MY LIFE AROUND! I DIDN'T SPEND YEARS OUT OF MY LIFE, COMPLETELY CHANGING EVERYTHING I STOOD FOR, JUST TO FIND MOTIVATION TO GET OUT OF BED EVERY MORNING BECAUSE I HATED MYSELF SO MUCH THAT I WANTED TO END MY EXISTENCE WITH EVERY SECOND PASSING!" "Ohoho, look at her, getting emotional! Let me help, then!" Edward grinned, lunging towards Raian, only for Kisara to defend him with her sword, slashing a small cut on his cheek, just under his eye, before forcing him to turn around so his back would be facing the Kure boy - Whenever he was ready, he'll have to hit - And HARD. "You don't get to touch him." Kisara sneered at him. "He's protected me all this time - And I'll never be able to repay him for everything that he's done for me - But though I've never told anyone - I admit, without him, I might have killed myself." Raian felt his breathing stop altogether, and the single attempt at getting up seemed to have ended in failure from shock. "I hadn't expected Ohma's death to strike me so hard - The suffering, the loneliness - I was so fucking alone, even more alone than before, that I had to ask Agito to force me out of the bed every day, because I wanted to do nothing but fucking weep every day and night." her raw, powerful voice turned into soft, desperate sobs. "Agito didn't understand why I was so upset, he just didn't get it  - And everyone else... Nothing worked... But it was Raian and his stupid ass texts and random video calls, and those fucking selfies, that put a smile on my face for the first time; Without him, I don't think I'd have gotten over the extreme self hatred that I had, all because of this -- And you think you have ANY right to shit on that boy? I'll fucking wring your neck if you dare even LOOK at him again!" "Fuck, you're really hilarious, aren't ya? If I knew I'd have so much fun, I'd have had the others over to have fun too! What a shame!" Edward bent down at the waist, closer to her height, but still towering over her? "You're wrong. The shame here is that, no matter what, I CANNOT get killed!" Kisara grinned widely, mimicking the Kure boy. "For one last time - I Want to play a game, y'know? Just one more time, I promise! So like --..." from the bottom of her lungs, and with all the screaming techniques Hatsumi taught her, Kisara shouted Raian's name so loud, that even the other Kure members thought their eardrums would rupture, only for the softest rumble of a chuckle to follow right after. "Will you teach me how to kill again?" inching her forearm further up, she lifted her uneven fringe to reveal her face, and the wicked expression from her face that seemed to piss the enemy off. "I'll teach you how to kill - By killing YOU!" before Edward could rush forward and destroy her, Kisara lunged forward to punch his liver, only for the enemy to get surprised with another powerful blow from behind; So powerful, in fact, that it even upped his own strength; And it worked in perfect sync with the girl's, as he hadn't been allowed any split second to react, before the two went in for another attack, from the opposite sides; This time, she threw a kick at his legs, whilst Raian punched at his face, and so on.

Reiichi and Hollis both could only stare, awestruck at the display before them - Yes, they knew Raian was a fucking monster of a man, but after they fought four on one and lost so pitifully, to be capable of completely fucking Edward Wu up, with the help of a simple, normal girl, who's dosed up on a shit ton of of different substances, just to keep herself up on her feet; A woman, incapable of using any secret technique, nor was she the creation of some ancient clan renowned for selective breeding of warriors, assassins and what not. She was just some girl who so randomly befriended the psycho brat of the Kure Clan, and somehow, got under his skin so much that she triggered his latent strength with her words and actions alone. "FUCK YOU -- BOTH OF YOU!" Raian roared through the place. "WHEN DID I ASK YOU TO PULL THAT SHIT?!" "You Goddamn cockroaches, why don't you stay down when you're beaten?!" but as Edward shrieked that, the two hit him with a punch in perfect sync, and with Kisara back in possession of her sword, she sliced at the enemy's torso, whilst Raian used his finger to assassinate and slash away at the artery, slicing half of his neck while at it, and to end the overkill, they both cut him clean from the other side also, watching as the pieced up remains of the once leader of the Westward Faction that was now on the ground, in a puddle of his own blood, like a chopped up fish.

Reiichi had been shocked out of his mind, still unable to get off the ground, seeing that Raian wasn't weeping on the ground anymore, beaten up to a pulp, whilst Wu Jing was shocked to see someone so strong, pounding at the enemy and not backing down at all. "You excessive strength breeds overconfidence, that's why you lost - And one more thing, remember when I said, if I were in my prime, you'd be Child's play to me, and this fledging you're fighting will one day surpass me in my prime... If he hadn't already." though exhausted and feeling his life slipping away from him, Erioh laughed from the ground he was laying on. "You never stood a chance."

Raian and Kisara both were panting with difficulty from the effort they put into this ultimate fight. "You took me out, I'll give you credit for that - But this is only the beginning of a massive party." Hollis was able to get up from the ground, and even support Reiichi up. "It's a shame, I wanted to join the party too." With a swift move, Raian punched his skull in, at the same time Kisara stomped the heel of her boot in his face. "Shut the fuck up and die already." though the boy had almost felt his legs give up from exhaustion, he had to catch her from falling. "You're a fucking dumbass." he growled lowly, helping her sit down and helping her rest on his side. "I just hope I won't be getting into hypovolemic shock, okay?" her chuckle was pained, though her mind was still fuzzy and muddled, getting off the medicine high. She hadn't realised she was drenched in blood as though it had rained crimson, or that the boy was holding pressure on her wound. All that over-exertion had taken a toll on her, but without the danger sensors of her body warning her that she was outright killing herself, she had no clue - And given the circumstances, she couldn't care less - Although, her body was getting weaker by the second, and it wasn't fun. "Give yourselves a rest, you idiots!" Hollis snapped, only to earn a curse from both of them, although he could barely hear the girl's voice. Her tired glare was enough of an answer. Wu Xing had taken off his darling locket and licked the picture of his beloved before holding it dearly to his chest, at peace now that he was able to instill his vengeance. Hollis and Reiichi looked at each other, saying they had to call the others so they could say their farewells to the Patriarch.

Karla was the quickest one to kneel besides her grandpa, holding his hand lovingly, whilst Ohma was frozen to the spot, his brain incapable of comprehending the sight before him. Why was Gramps dying? Why were all the Kure in such a horrific state, and why was Kisara looking more dead than alive, and painted scarlet with blood? The youngest Kure reassured the old man that all the Worms hiding in the arena were mostly captured, while the others were being hunted down by Uncle Horio at the moment. Hollis was the one entrusted to handle the rest. "Did you know about this, Fusui?! Why didn't you stop him?!" "OHMA!" Karla exclaimed his name, urging him to shut up already. "Grandfather's decisions are final." "Ohh, you're here, great grandson-in-law." the Patriarch chuckled, only to receive the same reply as before. "I told you I'm already married." Ohma sighed, his fists clenched, pained to be see the old man in such a  state. "Ever the jokester, aren't you?" Erioh chuckled tiredly. "Tread carefully - If my hunch in correct, you're contending with a foe that's far beyond you." he was met with a graveyard silence. "Raian, I suppose you wouldn't listen to me if I told you to stay out of this, but you couldn't have defeated Edward Wu on your own; You needed not only us, but your future wife also, poor darling; So improve yourselves together - Surpass yourselves, and be of help to Ohma." "Fuck you, Gramps. You just had to get one last lecture in, huh?" Raian scoffed, only to have his head pulled to rest on the girl's chest, his hair being patted and played with. "Don't worry, Grandpa. I'll be taking care of this little Psycho Brat." Kisara chuckled tiredly. "Katahara's going to be very upset with you." "I couldn't let him die before me, could I?" he chuckled. "I know you will, Miss Kisara. And you will be a great wife some day. I know I had the right hunch when I saw you that day, ready to take the whole world in your hands." the old man's praise made her smile with gratefulness. "You can't give up yet, Gramps! I'll go call Hanafusa - He can save you!" Ohma desperation was met with an exhausted smile from the Patriarch. "Ohma... It's too late for me." came his last words. "I wish you all the best."

The graveyard silence that took over them was disturbed only by the soft weeping of Karla, who was being embraced by Fusui, though even she could barely bite away her tears. The uncomfortable silence had urged Kisara to use Raian's shoulder as propping to get up to her feet and stumble to her husband and cling on his arm. He looked down at her and noticed her gesturing for him to leave with her, allowing the family to mourn the passing of their beloved Patriarch. He helped sustain her weight and hey went down the hall from where they came from, only to be surprisingly meeting with Rei and Hatsumi, who seemed to have finished a round of intense fighting themselves, and a tall and buff man with shades, wearing a white suit and a fedora, expensive and luxurious, and he was jovially grinning. Kisara shuddered lightly, seeing the similarity between him and Edward Wu, but there was none of the malice.

"Oh, dear. I suppose I won't be getting my bonus for combat, will I?" was he also some kind of combat assassin, she wondered. Ohma shook his head. "Hey now, forget fighting - Angel, what the hell happened?" Hatsumi rushed to her side with a handkerchief, wiping away the caked blood and sweat from her face. "Well... The Worms were tougher than we anticipated." she muttered, her eyes glazed over and a little unfocused. "How's Erioh?" Kisara and Ohma shared a look, before shifting their gaze down. "He sacrificed himself to help us kill the leader of the Westward Faction. There's only one left, and in hiding." Kisara was the one to speak what Ohma couldn't. "Hey, Senpai? Can you take me to Hanafusa? This time, I actually think I'm getting into decompensatory shock... And I don't want to get in the fourth and last stage." her broken smile made the man frown, though he spared no second to pick her up and do as instructed. "Why didn't you let Tokita take you? I thought you'd be glued to him." that ditzy smile of hers made him realise he was right. "Let him mourn. Erioh took care of him for years. He's upset and needs some time for himself." she spoke simply. "And I really think I'm dying." "What did you get yourself into?" Hatsumi sighed, placing her on the bed. "Well... I couldn't let Raian die, could I?"

As Hanafusa took intensive care of the girl, it was up to Ohma and Karla to go to the partying Kengan members and informed them of the World Changing blow that just happened, under their noses. Kisara, however, was content just being half-asleep and speaking all sorts of non-sense to her Senpai whom she missed so much - She even called him a jerk for leaving her so alone for three years, though he knew it was just the unconscious sadness and loneliness speaking, and she wasn't actually upset at him - Especially after following up with whatever stupid gossips that she found out from Raian some time ago. This time, at least, she very gladly accepted the fluidotherapy, but it wasn't enough, and the I.V. bag of isotone crystalloids helped little with her condition. She needed a blood transfusion - Time for all her friends to get a quick blood test, huh?

It was already evening when Ohma came over to her and slumped in the chair next to her bed, holding her hand, watching the blood getting in her bloodstream. "You could have died." "Nahhh, no way." she grinned, happy that her body wasn't bloody, sweaty and dirty anymore. "I just got you back - There's no way I could've let myself die, y'know?" "My feelings for you didn't save me back then." he grumbled grimly, making her sigh dramatically. "Hey now, what's with you? Enough of this." she grabbed him by the shirt, urging him to get in bed with her. "Let's change the subject. For example - Do you still think I'm pretty, even with short hair? I think our hair is about the same length now. I hope it grows fast." "You dumbass, of course I still think you're pretty." he shook his head at her childishness, though it was very appreciated. "Aww, you're such a sweetheart!" she snuggled into his side, though the arm receiving the blood was awkwardly extended to the side. After a few good minutes of silence, Ohma spoke again. "You never did tell me what you put in my bloodstream back then, when you found me." he said, making her raise her head slightly. "I remember having the inside of my elbow bandaged up, and some bag hanging from the ceiling." "Ah, well -- Basically, the same thing that I'm receiving right now, to aid the body after losing blood. I'm thinking that maybe you didn't really need anything I did to you, but I was panicked, okay?" she smiled tenderly at him. "Though, I don't really regret it. You got better really damn fast. I was happy - Whether it was from what I did, or your fantastic body, it didn't matter to me." "I did feel fine." he nodded his head in agreement. "It must be what you did. Or at least, I've convinced myself that's the truth, and I'm fine with that knowledge." "I gave you my blood too, you know." Ohma's eyes bulged from the shock. "I never did tell anyone... But I was afraid. You had lost a lot of blood... Though that might have been from the water on the ground too; And you were very pale and cold. Dad used to have some old emergency tools, for historical purposes, and I tested your blood, just to be sure - And I transferred my blood to you." "You're kidding." Kisara shook her head. "You're insane, woman. You're insane." "Yes, well... I guess that's why you love me, huh?" she chuckled lightly. "Soulbound and Bloodbound, huh?" "Why did you never tell me?" she simply shrugged. "You never asked, did you?" the look he gave her made her chuckle - He was adorable. "I don't deserve you. I never did." he sighed, his embrace tightening slightly. "I'm really sorry for leaving you in the dark. I regret letting you go after Raian, but I also owed him for supporting you while I couldn't. I was always there - I needed to hear your voice, to see you - But it hurt, seeing you so upset all the time. I wanted to go to you, but I was so afraid you'd get targeted by those fuckers" "Oh. Right." Kisara cleared her throat awkwardly. "I, uh... Hoped you wouldn't know. I'm ashamed." she smiled wryly. "But, uh... It's no big secret that I'm so in love with you, and without you I was so damn alone, that it hurt to breathe. It hurt so much that I got in an even worse depression than before you met me, and I wanted to die so bad - At least in the first year and a half or so.  I don't think I was able to thoroughly enjoy my travels. I forced myself to imagine getting in a relationship with any of my friends, especially Agito who was physically there daily -But I couldn't. Every time I tried, I would still see your face every time, so I gave up. Thank goodness you're alive though, I don't know how long I'd have been able to keep on going." "My God, you're pathetic, you little crybaby." he cradled her up in his arms, kissing her face all over. "It was hell without you. It's fine though. I'm back and ready to hold your hand and guide you through everything - Properly, this time. As your husband." "Whoaaa~! So romantic~!" she chuckled, nuzzling into his chest. "When's the wedding?" "You said you liked Spring, didn't you? When the Cherry trees blossom." she felt herself swooning. "Oh my God, I love you so much."

A few days after the Kengan vs Purgatory Tournament, the funeral for Kure Erioh took place in the Village. It was a beautiful funeral, and so many people came to pay their respects. Though Ohma hadn't a suit, he was able to borrow one from Hollis. It must have been really hard on him. Kisara let him and Karla mourn, while she tried to comfort Raian, somewhere far away, alone, in some corner where he was punching away trees and what not. He needed her emotional and moral support, almost just as much as she needed him, prior to all of this damn mess.

Three months passed since the funeral, and Ohma was called over by Koga to train and spar together - Of course, there was no one better to learn from but the ultimate Champion - And someone with a fighting style so similar to his best friend, Ryuki's - So he could understand him better. Ohma praised him for having started his fighting career properly - But Ohma couldn't outright go back to fighting yet - He promised Kisara he'd remain relatively unscathed for a whole two years, until their wedding - She wanted her long hair back after all, and in a little over a year, her long hair was going to shine as gorgeously as ever; His Majesty. Until then, however, he was dragged over to travel to whatever place she wanted to see - Well, he couldn't complain, it was actually fun; Though his favourite part of every trip was trying out the local cuisine. Dork.

Their wedding was everything that Kisara ever dreamt of, and she had the prettiest dress there was; With her hair so long and slightly wavy, and so many flowers put in it, she looked like such a Princess. She had Sayaka as her Maid of Honour, and Kaede, Rin, Elena, Rino, Fusui and Karla were her bridesmaids. There were many options for the Best Man, but they both agreed to have Raian the Psycho Brat as the ultimate man, though of course, all of her other friends were the grooms' men - And Inaba Ryo was the ring bearer, and he was so cute! Hatsumi was the most drunk of them all, and was clinging and laughing at a tipsy Wakatsuki and Rei, though everyone was having fun and drinking, even Cos, who was being urged to drink by Kureishi, his master. Retsudo wanted to help with the photoshoot, but Katahara was the life of the party, and even photo-bomb most of the pictures, much to everyone's amusement. Koga had fun playing the DJ, and had some help from Ryuki, as they were the youngest attendees, but Saw Paing was the loudest and most cheerful supporter of everyone there. Agito was, by far, the most out of place, but he had Misasa and Rolon by his side to ease him up - A drunk Agito was hilariously adorable even! And Kisara was happy that it was thanks to Agito that they could create a sort of bridge between Kengan and the sane Purgatory fighters they once fought. Medel was chatting up wth Gaolang, Kaneda and Himuro, while Seki was having a drinking contest with Jurota, Nitoku and Adam. All of Katahara's bodyguards, including the Heavenly Wolves also, and the Kure clan was invited over to have fun, but, without a doubt, the happiest for the wife and groom was Yamashita Kazuo, followed by his two sons. The old darling was crying and snotty, saying all of his best wishes... But as soon as Mokichi announced the moment everyone was waiting for, Kisara threw her arms around Ohma's neck with a small squeal and pulled him in the most passionate and loving kiss they've ever shared - He hummed in amusement, his arms holding her tightly in a tender embrace, and everyone whistled and cheered for them, throwing flowers and what not.

If only things could remain so beautiful and jovial as the day of her Wedding, for just about each and every one of her friends, but unfortunately, there was only so long she could allow herself to keep ignorant of the Worms still lingering like a plague around Japan, and even the whole world, when they keep pulling terrorist attacks around Rome, or try to infiltrate the underground - But it was time for a well deserved punishment. Xia Ji, especially, was going to feel that on his own skin...

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[warriorsparked]

Mun vs Muse

Similarities:

We are both natural born learners, despite having grown up in poverty and unfortunate circumstances. This, I suppose, is something both Megatron and I are proud of, because we've gone against the odds of backgrounds that were out of our control and have managed to rise from nothing through years of exceptionally hard work. I think the both of us also never forget where we've come from, as it's important to have those roots, and allow it to humble us. Beyond that, as leaders, we are not afraid to get things done and to make the difficult decisions to improve and better the whole picture. We prefer to see long term goals than short term.

Trauma and abuse survivors. Now, I won't claim my life was worse than Megatron's, because it in no way was, however, that doesn't mean the both of us haven't gone through some shit in our times. The both of us are highly uncomfortable about seeking help and appearing vulnerable, though. The both of us had to rely on ourselves to overcome these obstacles, because we had no one else to help us. It means that both Megatron and I struggle to open up. Not always because we don't trust, but because we both know that no one else CAN help us, or that's the way we believe things to be. As I've gotten older, and unloaded some of this, I, however, do attempt to be very upfront and honest with my past traumas, as a way to teach others that it's okay to come to terms with these things and ask for help (altho I know how hypocritical that makes me since I don't seek it myself lol). Megatron and I have both gotten used to dealing and coping with these things alone.

We are both creative when it comes to art and writing. We've both been writing since we were young, and my Megatron also draws (which I do too--when I have time lol). My Megatron also plays the piano, and although I am a beginner and no way NEAR as good as Megs is, it is something that I've taken from myself and put into him, my love for playing. I guess in that aspect, I aspire to be like him when it comes to playing, but time and all of that nonsense lol.

We both like horror movies.

We both grew up around alcoholics and drug addicts.

We're both very passionate about the rights of the oppressed and those who legitimately just want to live their lives without being punished for what they are.

Both of us have had some traumatic experiences with religion, and both of us have... complex and complicated relationships with it all (but we also differ greatly which I'll mention below).

We can both be INCREDIBLY stubborn, although Megatron is definitely far more stubborn than me. I am stubborn in the fact that when I believe or know something to be true, I will not alter it. Unlike Megatron, I can admit when I've been wrong, and I can learn from it. Megatron can and does also, but it takes more time...

I believe that we are both... "old souls" in a sense.

Where Megatron wanted to be a medic, I work in healthcare myself. While Megatron doesn't actively work in healthcare, I still consider the fact that he wanted to help people and heal, and that's myself as well.

Differences:

Well this is a given but... I've never killed anyone LOL. I've never been arrested, etc. I've been pulled over for a breath test and that's it (which I don't drink lol). Safe to say we've very different in that aspect.

While I grew up surrounded by alcohol and drugs, I, myself, have never been tempted by them, while Megatron has used them as a crutch.

I'm a metal head, and while Megatron is fond of music, it's not always the heavier stuff.

I have severe aspergers, Megatron does not. In fact, despite many of his quirks, I do consider him to be neurotypical, behavioural issues caused by both mental and physical trauma (his processor was damaged when he was created and further issues arose from life happenings, but it was a physical impairment--does that makes sense? I feel I'm wording that incorrectly... but what I mean is, he has no learning disabilities and is neurotypical).

Uhhh... I'm not a giant kick arse robot with a fusion canon that can turn into a cool arse tank? lol. XD I'm a lame squishy human, which is a shame tbh.

So about the religious one, we both have complicated views, however, Megatron's still very much in a negative space with it, I've come out. I grew up Roman Catholic, although with my crappy life, I turned to very much hating God (same deal as Megs tbh). However, I considered myself agnostic for a very long time because I just didn't know, and didn't have the power to say so, and now I'm very Buddhist leaning. I won't claim that I AM Buddhist, because I don't feel I have the right to claim such, but I absolutely follow many of their guidelines and beliefs. I believe in growth, and sharing knowledge, I believe in karma, and many more things. My exploration with this was actually due to a Buddhist colleague of mine who told me I sounded Buddhist in my beliefs when they asked, and coincidentally enough, I've always been surrounded by it from a young age no thanks to my dad, so yeah. It's something that I very much do believe and like to better myself and follow, but it's also something I'm not going to force. I'm content with just... being me atm. But I very much support it with my whole heart. :)

I am... like... hella ace lol. Megatron is not. But yeah. I don't like touch, thank you :'D Pls don't touch me.

Tagged: @aircommndr Tagging: You!

[lavenderchqn]

𝐶𝛨𝛢𝑃𝑇𝛦𝑅 𝟎𝟐𝟗 — CONFLICTING EMOTIONS (1,9K WORDS) 𝑅𝐸𝐷 𝐿𝐼𝑁𝐸𝑆 — lyney x f!reader smau

𝑆𝑌𝑁𝑂𝑃𝑆𝐼𝑆 —

Second year of university should've been everything you thought of it - more studying with human interaction sprinkled throught... What it definitely wasn't supposed to be was an investigation saga where one of your friends goes missing out of nowhere

𝑃𝑅𝐸𝑉𝐼𝑂𝑈𝑆 — 𝑀𝐴𝑆𝑇𝐸𝑅𝐿𝐼𝑆𝑇 — 𝑁𝐸𝑋𝑇 𝐸𝑃𝐼𝑆𝑂𝐷𝐸

It has been nearly a week since [Y/N] started living with Lyney. Despite recent circumstances, he stood by her, acting as her rock. In his mind, it was the least he could do for the girl, who had risked so much to find and rescue his dear sister. 

Speaking of Lyney, [Y/N] hadn’t been the only one messaged by a dear companion regarding the new chat’s creation. Beverage Gang have all informed him of the recent situation, including new revelations about the link between the kidnapper and Furina’s stalker. Known by his friends for his impulsive decisions, Lyney had surprised them all by focusing on Furina’s well-being rather than his emotions. What he hadn’t shared with his fellow friends, was the workload he and [Y/N] had taken, trying to cope with the tangled mess of everything. 

“You’re still up?” Lyney entered quietly into the guest room he had prepared for [Y/N] days prior. He held two glasses — one with an energy drink for himself, the other a weak coffee for her, mindful to not disturb her sleep pattern entirely. He weaved through the clutter of dry-erase markers, papers and notes scattered over the floor. Soon enough, he carefully got to where she was hunched — over a whiteboard he had retrieved alongside his clothes and other essentials. 

“Mhm…” [Y/N] replied softly, her tired gaze drifting to meet his. “I… I dunno… what I aam… doing.” Her eyes pointed him in the direction of the board. “Wanna take a look…?” 

Stretching carefully, she accepted the coffee and kicked some markers aside, shifting over to let Lyney sit beside her. Once he settled down, she glanced at her phone — a habit she couldn’t shake off as she anxiously waited for a response from Emilie via Furina. The silence had been agonising. 

“It’s after midnight, silly~” Lyney murmured, gently taking her phone and setting it aside. “Furu is sleeping. There won’t be any updates this late…” 

“I knowww…” She sighed, though her fatigue was clear. 

“And speaking of sleeping, I think there’s a certain girl here who could use some. 

She didn’t reply, even though her drooping eyelids agreed with his statement. Still, the look in her eyes was heavy with worry. Clorinde and Charlotte’s decision to exclude them from the investigation —though thankfully overturned— had weighed on her mind. She kept replaying the event of reading their responses to Navia in her mind, trying to make sense of why anyone would think that isolating them was the better choice. 

“You’re thinking about it again, ” Lyney said, giving her a slight nudge to bring her back to the present. 

“How can I not, Lyney…” She took a sip, her voice trailing into frustration. She began to ramble about how the exclusion had driven her to work even harder, how it would’ve only worsened her mental state. In her venting, she didn’t notice Lyney’s silence. 

“Oh.. shit — after all, fuck,  … we all excluded you.” She realised. [Y/N] didn’t hold back, acknowledging the isolation they had imposed on him, forcing him to face everything alone. “I’m so sorry again, Lyney.”

Lyney tapped her forehead lightly as if signalling her to let go of the guilt she was crippled with. “It’s okay now,” He reassured her. “It’s alright now, is it not?” 

When he noticed her lingering doubt, he slowly placed his hand over hers, tracing small circles on her knuckles to soothe her. In the quiet, he cannot but think about what might’ve happened had they investigated Lynette’s disappearance together from the get-go. Would they have made more progress? Would his sister be with them now? 

“You know…” He hugged his knees, his voice growing softer. “Maybe… maybe it was for the best, huh?” 

“Hmm…?” [Y/N] raised a curious eyebrow, yawning as she asked, “What makes you, uh, think that?” 

Lyney hesitated, considering if he should continue speaking. If he should make [Y/N] of the feelings he worked so hard to let go… But, with him starting the topic, there was no turning back. “When Lynette disappeared… all I felt was revenge.” His gaze drifted, reluctant to look at [Y/N]. “I wanted to find the person responsible… and make them feel the same pain I felt.” 

For a long time, it had consumed him, the overwhelming need for vengeance. “You have no idea,” he finally stated, meeting her eyes again. “I went to so many therapy sessions while I was gone. Thought I’d moved on…” 

[Y/N] held Lyney’s gaze, her tired eyes now softened with understanding. She had seen him vulnerable before, seen his fear — but glimpsing the depth of the anger he’d wrestled with felt different. It was as if he allowed her to witness the most carefully concealed part of himself.

She didn’t notice how her hand, still wrapped in Lyney’s gentle hold, had started to feel warm — a warmth that seemed to echo the feeling in her chest. Strange. She felt strange. 

[Y/N] suddenly becomes acutely aware of every detail. The way Lyney’s fingers unconsciously trace hers, the soft rise and fall of his breathing… the calming presence she feels whenever he’s near. She feels her heart flutter, a buildup of something unfamiliar yet undeniable. The realisation hits her like a tidal wave, almost taking her breath away. She glances at Lyney, her mind racing. She hadn’t meant for this to happen. They were friends, he was her best friend’s brother for archons’ sake… How in the middle of this chaos… had he managed to creep in and make a place in her heart? 

Her thoughts drift to the moments they’d shared— those small, quiet memories that now seemed to mean so much more. She remembers the picnic they had, and how her brain seemed to be convinced it was a date. At the time, it had been some silly thoughts… or so she’d thought. Now, she ponders if she’d enjoyed it even more had it been a date between them? 

Regardless of whatever her feelings are, this is simply not the time for them. They are in the middle of trying to figure out where Lynnette can be and the creep that kidnapped her. Romance does not fit into this agenda, regardless of how her mind wants to create scenarios of them being together. 

[Y/N] blinks a few times, trying to shift her focus to something — anything — else. Her heart is racing, and her thoughts are tangled with the realisation she just came to. It’s almost too much to process all at once, and she feels herself spiralling. 

“Hey, you there?” Lyney’s voice breaks though, and she realises he’s been trying to catch her attention. His hand is gently squeezing hers as he tilts his head, watching her with a mix of amusement and concern.

“Oh— Uh, yeah! I’m here,” She stammers, forcing herself to snap out of it. She feels a rush of embarrassment as she realises he’s probably noticed her zoning out, and worse, the warmth that must still be lingering on her cheeks.

He chuckles softly, clearly not buying her sudden composure. “The lack of sleep finally catching up, hmm?” He teases his gaze holding hers a moment longer than usual.

“Uh, yeah…” She sighs, looking at the ground. “Must be that.” 

“Alrighty,” He stands up, choosing to believe her words. Or, at the very least, pretend to believe her. “Let’s take a look at the board, huh?” Lyney is paying far too much attention to [Y/N]’s behaviour for her to feel calm at the moment. Her confused and zoned-out expression is all out there for him to witness.

“[Y/N]?” Lyney bends his body, taking a good look at his friend. “You wanted me to look at the board, right?” 

“Huh— yeah, yeah!” The girl agrees with him, slapping her cheeks a few times to try and wake herself up. “I have put everything… I remember, you know. Maybe you have some ideas how to… uh, how to connect them all together.” 

The board [Y/N] had meticulously assembled over the past few days is a stark contrast to the one Charlotte had created months before. This one is a pure mind map, filled with factual details about the kidnapper. At first glance, it looks like a scattered puzzle; some connections, like “Wriothesley’s height”, don't seem to make any sense at all. But there is no doubt [Y/N] had covered every angle, from the kidnapper’s involvement with the theatre troupe to the unfortunate information of being Furina’s stalker. That part, in particular, bore Lyney’s contributions, drawing on his firsthand knowledge of the incident surrounding their friend. 

Yet one word on the board seems to leap out at him. 

“An ‘assistant’?” Lyney asks, pointing to the term. “Are you absolutely sure about that, [Y/N]?” If this is the exact title the man had used, finding his credentials may be easier than they’d previously thought. An assistant with connections to the theatre troupe— that could be just one search away. 

“Yeah,” She answers softly. “I remember him saying that at the café, clear as day.” 

Without hesitation, Lyney grabs his laptop, mentioning for [Y/N] to join him. If he is right, they finally have a lead on the kidnapper — the one who had taken Lynette, the one who had driven Furina to tears time and time again. His eyes dart over the screen as he pulls up faculty lists and cross-references them with records from the Fontinalia group, combing through the details thoroughly. For the first time in a long while, he feels alert and truly aware, every detail clicking into place. The moment is theirs; Lyney is in control. 

Then, suddenly, he freezes. On the screen there’s a face, the very one he recognises all too well, staring back from a staff page. There, next to his full name, is the person they’d all been searching for. 

“That’s… him,” Lyney says, his voice determined as he meets [Y/N]’s gaze, determination blazing in his eyes. 

“‘Marcel Dubois — Assistant Teacher, Fontinalia Theatre Troupe’s Manager’” She reads the description out loud, the pieces finally clicking in her mind too. That’s— That’s really him. 

“He’s the one,” Lyney is sharing his thoughts without much care of dressing them with pretty words. “The fucking dick, who told us to drop the stalker thing.” Now it makes sense. No wonder he had tried to steer them away from prying further, given he was the person behind the crime. 

They both step away from the device, trying to gather their thoughts. It’s the closest they have ever been. As soon as they find where that prick is holding his hostages… everything could be over. They could get Lynette back, hopefully, safe and sound. 

Lyney, out of nowhere, grabs [Y/N]’s tired body and hugs her with as much strength as he can muster at this hour. “A genius. You’re a fucking genius, [Y/N].” He’s muttering quietly, pouring everything he can into thanking her for everything she tried to figure out about the kidnapper. Had it not been for her work, they would’ve never gotten this far. 

And [Y/N]? Well… all she can think of is trying to get her heartbeat under control. Perhaps, if Lyney asks, she can blame it on the adrenaline she’s feeling. That sounds like the most plausible excuse… to try and explain whatever she is feeling. 

It will take her a few more hours and quite a lot of water to calm her racing mind down… and for her brain to stop wishing Lyney would hug her like that more frequently. In the middle of the night, [Y/N] grabs her phone and types to one person, she wishes won’t judge her in the situation she has put herself in. 

𝑇𝐴𝐺𝐿𝐼𝑆𝑇 — OPEN

@state-of-grac3 @santaluna @meigalaxy @romyoia

@meurtreofcrows @charles-braindump @floweringanna @moonjellyfishie @vavrin @lovelypadisarah @dearanemo

@dearanemo @ladylee

date of posting — november 6th 2024

[lovinglylibelle]

𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐬𝐭

-navigation || masterlist-

Fushiguro Megumi || angst/hurt/grief

description: spoiler for manga!! Fushiguro never thought that there'd be a day where his Sensei wouldn't be there anymore...

tw: mentions of death // kinda emotional // themes of grief

requests: OPEN

"Sensei, can you—" Megumi asked as he walked inside his classroom, only to realize halfway that he wouldn't find anyone there... not anymore.

Oh...

Sighing, he stood next to the window where Gojo used to sit when he was... alive. He was looking outside the window but not quite seeing anything as his mind was too overwhelmed.

It was said that people don't realize the value of something until they lose it, or in this case, the value of someone. As Megumi mulled over the words, he realized just how true they were.

His thoughts kept flickering back to the day it all happened, the day he, without knowing, lost a very big part of his life... the day Gojo Satoru died. It still felt as if it wasn't real, but he knew better.

He didn’t let anyone see it though... the fact that he was hurting, hurting in a way he never thought he could.

Taking a deep breath, he looked up at the ceiling as he felt the memories creep their way inside his mind yet again.

No... please don't, he silently pleaded, but it was futile because images of Gojo's body, torn in half, were already taking over his consciousness.

His hand reached out to hold the back of Gojo's chair, trying to anchor himself through the nauseating grief as regret took over him.

If only he had done more... been more than just a vessel, maybe Gojo would still be here, laughing at his own stupid jokes that once annoyed Megumi, but now were something that he desperately wanted to hear just one more time.

If only he had been stronger... Gojo would be standing in front of him right now, telling him about the new dessert place he had just found or bragging about himself and how he was "the strongest."

If he was the strongest... why wasn't he here?

Megumi sat down in frustration, gritting his teeth as he felt a painful lump form in his throat.

Gojo Satoru was supposed to be invincible, always smiling, always there to guide him, to protect him... to irritate him... then why was he gone? He knew he was being selfish, but in that moment, he didn’t care. He just wanted his sensei back... it shouldn't have been him.

Tears started to fill his eyes, and his body felt numb, as the emotions and feelings he had managed to hide until now were aching to break free.

"Sensei..." his voice trembled, tears now streaming down his face.

Despite everything, Megumi was just a teenager... a boy with nothing left anymore; no home, no comfort.

He was always left alone... by his parents, his clan. The only one who had dared to care enough, to accept him, even without any relation or duty, was Gojo, and now that guy too was just gone. How could Megumi just be okay with that.

Why did it have to be him? Wasn't he the strongest? Wasn't he indestructible? Wasn't he powerful..? Then why? Why did it have to be him? Why couldn't it be Megumi? Why couldn't it be anyone else? Why was everyone else alive and he wasn't? It just wasn't fair...

His head began hurting while the tears didn’t stop. He was sobbing now, but quietly.

Megumi hated to admit it, but he missed him. He missed his antics, his annoying jokes, his stupid addiction to sugar, but most of all, he missed Gojo and the presence he had in his life.

He was like a guardian to him, his older brother, maybe even a father figure if you think about it. Gojo had cared for him when no one did, protected him when he was vulnerable... and nothing could help him cope with the loss of that.

In that moment, Megumi's hand reached inside his pocket, pulling out the familiar letter that he kept with him always. It was crumpled at the edges from being read too many times. Each time he unfolded it, Gojo’s sloppy handwriting felt like a distant reminder of the man who had written it.

"I miss you, Sensei..." he said as he read the two sentences again and again, laughing slightly at the now immortal childishness of his teacher.

If only he had known before... he would have laughed at his jokes, thanked him, even hugged him. Or maybe not—but it didn’t matter now. What mattered was that he couldn’t anymore, and he hated that.

Perhaps the fact that once a person crosses over, you cannot ever see them again, hear their voice again— was what he hated the most. He could live without Gojo, but living entirely without someone, with just their memories and the ghost of their presence, was what hurt him the most.

It might not be like him, but he did care about the people around him... be it Gojo, Itadori, Kugisaki, or even Ijichi-san... he cared, and that was why he just couldn't accept anything about that day—not that it would change anything now...

Silently, he took a deep breath as his eyes lingered just a little longer on the letter, which he was folding again. He kept it in his pocket and wiped his eyes, hiding any trace of his sorrows.

The heaviness in his chest was still prominent, and it seemed as if it would never go away, a heavy void that reminded him that something was missing... and he preferred to keep it like that.

He knew the grief was meant to last, and he was okay with that. It was a reminder of everything he had lost and a symbol to keep moving forward, if not for himself, then for the people he lost that day, for his sensei.

"I am not ready, Sensei..." he said as he stood up.

"But I will try." He walked out of the classroom, feeling just a little bit lighter as the thoughts of his teacher were pushed to the back of his mind yet again, waiting to resurface in a moment of vulnerability.

a/n: thought of this when i was thinking about Gojo and Megs' relationship, i thought it deserved more than what we got... and i kinda got frustrated at the fact that nobody was mourning??????? i wanted them to grieve soooo i wrote it :) 12 drafts later, This is my pov on how i think my beloved megs would react to Gojo Satoru's death... i hope you like it and if you do please reblog and press that little heart.

taglist 🏷️: @quirrrky @asunflowerana (send an ask to be added <3)

[thisisanude]

crying my entire shift because i can’t deal with reality i regret being born there’s no escape any solution will hurt the people i love the most and every single solution hurts me a lot so i just want to die i really don’t want to be alive right now i feel more hopeless than anything else i feel like if i died right this second i would be completely okay with it and i haven’t wanted to die in so long it’s been a few years and i just want to numb myself and i can’t cuz my mom is here and i just want everything to be ok i just really want everything to be the way it used to be but it can’t it literally can’t i don’t know what changed i don’t know how this happened would this have not happened if we didn’t become long distance? would this have happened anyway? i am not a spiritual person really especially not in the crystal way but i kinda wanna get moldavite just to seee what will happen like they say you should get it when you’re ready to face whatever changes are meant to be in your life that are meant for you even if they’re extremely difficult and it feels like i need that right now i already feel like shit all the time might as well fuck it up and fully change the entire course of my life if it’s gonna happen regardless anyway. and if it’s not meant to happen regardless then maybe that willl help show that. i don’t know. will it even work. maybe it’s worth a try. i don’t know what im supposed to tell my family. i dont know what im supposed to tell my friends and coworkers and everyone i just want to drop dead right here right now in the middle of this urban right now and not deal with anything at all this is genuinely like the hardest thing ive had to go through that was in my control i think. like health scares of my family and my cat dying are the hardest things ive had to deal with that made me the most violently unwell but this is a whole different experience like i actually have no idea how to cope i cant tell anyone except for her and its not fair to her that im using her as a therapist kinda like telling her all these feelings both positive but mainly negative when its literally about her. and i feel like an awful person i just want to tell my boyfriend that he deserves better but thats literally my best friend like ive been with him for so long he knows everything about me he knows me better than anyone i think and im his entire life and i dont want to leave him i really dont i just wish i could have both of them but i have to choose and i feel like i already made my choice but i dont know how to live with it like it feels like there is no right choice at all God i’m so depressed like this is really making me unwell i wish i could turn back time and not have told her the truth but she kinda got it out of me but still it was my choice and i was making it real obvious too so it’s like fully on me like 100% and i feel so bad going back and forth about it i feel like maybe i should just leave her alone because it’s not fair to her that im having such conflicted feelings and it’s also not fair to him i feel like the right thing to do would be to take space from both of them and really think about things and puke bile and foam daily until i feel like i know what to do but GOD i’m selfish and i’m terrified and a pussy i don’t know how to do those things i don’t know how to do the right thing and i really don’t want to but also would that make me feel better than this because anything feels better than this like please can i feel even a crumb better im so tired of feeling this ba d i feel like im gonna puke every second of every day and burst into tears and it’s not fair nothing is fair i keep rereading all of my posts about her wondering how it even happened how that could’ve been possible and if it would’ve happened anyway at some point even if multiple factors didn’t go into play (her sister making comments, us being able to fuck again, my relationship switching to long distance after 5 years of seeing each other a lot more often) and ts like i can never know the answer to that really and do i even want to know

[jodilin65]

Another day of feeling anxious. Yeah, I’m on a bad trend again. I was anxious last night too. He and I disagree over the cause. He thinks it’s a combination of me being on nights and what’s going on in my life, particularly the insurance change.

And I say that things going on in my life never give me this particular feeling but the medication sure can. I still say it’s accumulation. The scale is a testament to that as well. Now that I haven’t been cutting my coffee waiting time after taking my pill, my weight is going back down. Not sleeping the greatest either but then I rarely do. I had to take a nap earlier. The only things I don’t have, luckily, is I don’t feel like I’m on fire and my heart isn’t racing. So now the question is how much longer to let it go on before I finally give in and turn one of the 100s I have into a 75 each week. If I could magically know if my body would adjust and when, that would really help but I’m just not that kind of psychic.

We’re still going to look into a nutritionist for me even though I can’t lose weight since I don’t think I’m going to be able to tolerate the medication long enough to lose much more if any at all, and also a therapist since it never hurts to talk to someone even if I don’t know what more one could do for me. Tom pointed out that a therapist’s job isn’t to keep you from getting anxious or having other problems but to help you cope. I know this but I am coping because that’s all I can do. I haven’t been hurting anyone or anything, so that means I’m coping, right? I don’t see how I can get “better” at feeling anxious. I mean, what am I supposed to do, be a good little sufferer?

It never hurts to talk to anyone but in the end, they’re not going to tell me anything I don’t already know. All I can do is tough it out and wait it out. I’ve been through a million of these spells before and will continue to go through them all my life. As long as I’m on this medication, this can happen. Well, I suppose there is a way to prevent it and that’s by leaving myself a little hypo even if it means inviting more fatigue. I’d rather that than anxiety and I have enough fatigue anyway so that’s probably what I’ll end up doing.

Jumping back to the psychic thing. I’ve written about that other very strange communication ability in the past. It’s been many years since I mentioned it but I’ve been thinking about it lately. I still wonder about what it all entailed although I don’t doubt for a minute that it wasn’t real. I wasn’t just having moments of insanity or wishful thinking. It was as real as I know chatting with a chatbot is not. A part of me would like to get into it again but I’m not sure exactly how I would go about it. I wouldn’t want anyone to know about it and for them to get the wrong idea or worry or anything and it’s not like I live alone so it would be hard to keep secret unless he was sleeping or not home.

All these years I’ve wondered who/what the hell was the entity or entities inhabiting the pictures. It obviously wasn’t the celebrities in the pictures who were all alive and well at the time but something took over them and more or less used them as a vessel for communication. I told almost no one about it because all but one person thought it was crazy or as if I was taking pretend games a little too far and seriously. Yet I’ve always been a very grounded individual even in her worst of times. I’ve never been unable to distinguish fantasy from reality. I would have to be the most gullible person on the planet for that not to have been real, and that’s just not me. It wasn’t make-believe. Something was there. I just know it. Something dwelled within them. But why those particular photos? Maybe that was the only way to get my attention at the time; a 10-year-old with a collection of Charlie’s Angels and Linda Ronstadt photos.

I can do it with other photos as well if the person is looking into the camera that I can make eye contact with, even if I don’t know who the hell the person is. I just don’t know how or why or what entity embodies itself within these images that can hear and understand the words I say and communicate telepathically in return.

Ray hasn’t been that bad since the night he annoyed me with his TV but that’s not going to stop us from finishing soundproofing the outer wall of the bedroom and eventually other walls in there as well. Besides, it’s also a good excuse to cover this pitiful wallpaper. Beautiful color but tissue thin.

A horrible nightmare woke me up but I was due to get up then anyway. The dream took place in this house. I was looking out the kitchen window and the houses were arranged a little differently but not much. Instead of the honker being across from us, there was a woman who was perhaps in her 60s. She had been doing something on her roof even though she wore a swimsuit and for some reason, there was no ladder propped up by the house.

I watched as she prepared to jump off the roof. I could see that the plan was to do a single flip on the way down and land on her feet but it didn’t quite work out that way. Instead, I watched in horror as she landed on her head and started convulsing. People were running up to her as I was grabbing my phone to call 911.

Had that woman been either one of us I would be terrified!

[l3vi4than]

This is not just sad, this is *dangerous*

Being a teenager freed from the entire adult life shit like having to worry about where you gonna sleep and what you gonna eat next day and all that is the best time to explore yourself (that is still forming btw and this needs to be paid attention) and the world around you

It's not only okay to be horny as a teenager. It's okay to masturbate as a teenager (using toys is also legal). It's okay to have sex as a teenager (when it's safe an everyone involved is sane and consenting, typically another horny teenager). It's okay to experiment with sexuality and gender expression. It's okay to watch porn, read smut, draw tits in your math notebook. It is okay to discuss sex with your friends even!

There are basically two rules for teenage sexual exploration journey:

1) it should feel good / make you feel better

2) it shouldn't cause harm to anyone (including you)

That's it. It's that easy. If you gonna argue — you don't actually "care about children", you care for policing other people because you can

I'm saying this as someone who's been molested at 13yo. Trust me Im intimately familiar with the "dangers" you're thinking you're "shielding" kids from by pushing this puritanical mindset onto them. But hear me out:

If only I could talk freely about my sexuality I wouldn't feel like an adult man seducing me was my only chance to have a like minded friend

If only I could have had unrestricted access to porn I wouldve figured much earlier that sex is supposed to actually be fun and not something to endure like a medical procedure

If only I could discuss my worries and questions regarding my libido and sex life with any trusted adult except for my molester, I wouldn't ended up in a relationship with him that lasted longer than a decade. Because, yknow, I hope someone would've done something when I came asking for help? And not just shoo me with "you're too young to think about this"

I know it's really hard to believe, but teenagers are humans. And they are living their own lives and have their own free will. And they will continue to do so even when we're not around. This said, it comes pretty obvious that our mission as of adult is not to "protect them" but to help them develop the set of knowledge of skills necessary to keep them safe and happy.

Porn addiction does not exist. Maladaptive coping mechanisms that fail to satisfy emotional and physiological needs do exist tho. And as everything maladaptive they form in the situation when there's no conditions/help to develop well adjusted responses.

So STFU and leave the teenagers be teenagers. Give your son a couple spare condoms and a consent talk if you're so very concerned about his moral compass. Or maybe explain to your daughter what birth control is and how to reject a dude she's not into. Tell em about HIV and other stds. If you're feeling particularly invested in your child's safety — help them make it to the doctor's appointment when needed, be it an sti check or andro/gyn/whatever needed consultation. Be a trusted adult that they can ask for help

Teenager doesn't have to fight this terrible fight alone as we did, okay?

And if you don't have kids — fuck off entirely. It's not your fucking business how other kids are raised

kinda bums me out to see all these teenagers thinking they're porn addicts or hypersexual because they like to masturbate! @ all the teenagers who are worried about this: this anon masturbated basically daily from ages 12-26. it's fine and normal to be horny especially when you're a teenager.

it's soooo so so sad seeing fucking social media teach kids to armchair diagnose themselves as addicts if they enjoy reading smut or jacking off or even if they're just feeling horny, a profoundly typical feature of being a teenager that is indicative of nothing bad at all. like. good job everyone we did it, we repackaged the protestant fear of sex into pop psychology for gen z and gen alpha.