#i called my parents crying which makes me feel guilty i don't want them to be sad

[casperghosty]

what a day, had to go to the city to get some Important Shit done for some reason couldn't get my medical insurance card thingy idk what it is, how fun 😀 but I at least managed to get back home before 14:00 cause boy is it a hot day 🥵.

had time to even swim in the river but gell asleep on the beach and my eyes had trouble focusing for 20 minutes afterwards 👁👄👁

organized some stuff around the house cried that I can't see my parents and started to write up my expenses so I always know where my money goes.

over all not the worst day,I'm just always anxious something bad will happen that'll make me really really upset my parents aren't here 😭 it's so weird to actually grasp the reality that I am in fact an adult and it is totally normal to live without your parents.

[brucewaynehater101]

Hear me out for something Silly. Jack is not Tim's biological parent. Jack, Janet, and Tim all know this. So does Tim's biological parent. Tim does have contact with his Biodad and they do get along wonderfully. When he has time off from his very busy job and thinks it's safe, he will 100% drop by Gothem to see his son. Even if they can't see eachother a lot, Tim and his dad are still very close.

As for how this happened, Janet and Jack had a three way with a *very* interesting stranger about the time Tim would have been conceived. Since he didn't exactly look like Jack, they did a DNA test and then called the guy and asked him to do a DNA test. He told them he would but only if he got his DNA back after the test. Just one of his weird quirks that worked as Rizz on the pair.

Honestly though, it's nothing short of a miracle that they got The Question of all heroes to do a paternity test, but then again. He has always wanted to be a dad and this is an opportunity that just fell into his lap! And the day he walked into his son of 7 years old standing infront of a corkboard covered in pictures and string? It was the proudest day of his life. He had little Tim talk him through all of the strings and explain his theory and Tim started by smacking his little hand on the board and saying in the most manic voice, "BATMAN IS BRUCE WAYNE."

By the end, Question was pacing around the room as Tim also paced around the room, both rambling at eachother as they used Bruce's connections to uncover who well over half the leauge are. Does Question feel a little guilty about finding out his coworkers identities? Maybe. But he doesn't care, he's bonding with his son! His son is brilliant!! Not even he knew who Batman was!!! He could never have been prouder and it nearly made him cry.

Years later when Tim became Robin, he freely told Question about it and while Question didn't approve fully, he knew there was nothing he could do to stop his brilliant, wonderful, adorable, *stubborn* son. Tim could out stubborn a hundred mules, just like both his mother and his father. Maybe he could even out stubborn the both of them, as evidence by Question being the one to cave first. He caved on the condition that Tim get *proper* training and go to a few people of his choosing after he trains under the people that Bruce wants him to train under. Tim agrees and gets a few extra teachers in his time away.

Tim does not tell the Bats that Question is his Dad, simply assuming that if he could figure out who they were at 7 years old, they can figure out something as simple as who his parent is. Turns out, all of the Bats think that Jack Drake is his father and he doesn't find this out until Jack dies. When he does so, Bruce asks where Tim is going to stay and he replies, "with my Dad and his wife, obviously." To which there is quite a bit of confusion until Tim scoffs and crosses his arms as he states, "Jack Drake was never my father. He and Mother were very open about the fact that they had a 3 way and the other guy there is my biological father. I've been in contact with him regularly since I was 3. Sure he's not there all the time but he makes sure to visit minimum once a month. Usually at least twice a week. He's a good person and I'll be fine living with him and his wife. Hell, he's been trying to get me to move in with him for years anyways! Honestly, I thought you already knew this Bruce. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to see my Dad." And simply walked out if the cave.

The Bats. Don't know who his father is. Nor for lack of trying though. His dad is The Question that man leaves no evidence of anywhere he has been and never walks into cameras. He leaves just enough that they know he's real. Jason has seen the man with his own two eyes and swears he is a red head, but the man vanished before Jason could say a word to him. However Damian saw Tim talking to someone with black hair and and blue coat on patrol, but didn't get a look at his face. The guy was gone before Damian could get there and Tim tells him that it was his dad doing a mid patrol check in, which he does sometimes.

There is nearly a very big fight about civilians and identity hiding until Tim snaps, "HE KNEW FROM THE DAY I KNEW. HE HELPED ME WITH MY FUCKING EVIDENCE BOARD AND ENCOURAGED ME. BESIDES, HES NOT EVEN A CIVILIAN ANYWAYS!" And before anyone can question it, he goes on a long rant about how it can't be that hard to piece together who his dad is because they haven't been hiding it from them At All and how disappointed he is in them. As he does so, he is texting someone and when asked who, Tim snaps, "my Dad! I'm telling him to come to the Batcave because you're all idiots who couldn't find the link between us!" This leads to Bruce getting angry about inviting strangers to the Batcave and Tim scoffs about Bruce having invited his dad there before.

30 minuets later, when The Question walks in and says, "Hello Batman." Bruce turns to him to ask why he's there but Tim cuts in and says, "finally! Dad, can you believe that none of these idiots put it together?! They have no idea were related!" And Question just says, "but. We've been living together for nearly a year. I've known you all your life and you are the greatest thing I've ever helped to create." And Tim blushes a bit at the last part but plays it off by insulting The Bats, "right? And they call themselves Detectives!"

They spend the next hour roasting the Bats together and also mentioning off the walls crazy theories that are actually true.

Years later when Tim goes on the Brucequest, he doesn't go alone. He shows his evidence to his dad and Question and Huntress both come with him to help. Tim doesn't loose his spleen thanks to them but they do have to team up with the LOA because they have Tam held hostage. They also blow up the leauge but all credit goes to Tim and when they get Bruce back, they try to give credit to Tim but the Leauge just points at Question and Huntress and says, "those two did it."

Holy shit. This AU is fantastic.

I do not know nearly enough about Question, and you've pointed out the errors in my ways. I should know more about him because you are absolutely correct (also, AUs that speculate who can be Tim's bio parents are hilarious to me).

Fuck. I just binged some of his content (a very small amount), and I swear to gods this man is hilarious. His dry wit, conspiracy theories, humor, and overall demeanor is grand. I should find more.

Anyways, I absolutely love how Jack, Janet, and Question are peacefully coparenting. There's no drama or tension. Jack isn't jealous or mad. They just raise Tim together.

Tim and Question bonding over theories, research, stalker tendencies (referencing when Question said he goes through everyone's trash), and pin boards is adorable. This is a friendship/mentor bond I didn't know I needed in my life until now.

I'm also vibing with Question messing with the Bats while Tim us legitimately confused how they haven't figured anything out yet.

I'm also imagining post Jack's funeral (if this is a good dad Bruce AU), that Bruce turns to the newly orphaned Tim. He has adoption papers metaphorically behind his back and does a blue screen at realizing that Tim has been hiding even more parents all this time. It seems his adoption addictions were stopped this time, dagnabbit.

[speedycoffeedelight]

An Animalistic Disaster

Summery:Where you reveal a bit of your past and go on a shopping trip with the girls (And Pentious).

Masterlist

CH-14 :Past memories and a shopping trip

Tw: domestic abuse.

"When I was six, me and my mom went to live with mom's brother, my uncle and aunt. They had a daughter and a son, Melody and Skylar.

Melody was younger and more timid than me. I gradually realised that Melody was almost like a puppet to her parents. They gave all their focus on Skylar. Which would make sense since he was a kid then. But they took it too far.

They would never try to discipline Skylar. It was clear her parents had a soft spot for him. Skylar understood that very clearly and would abuse that."

You sighed, remembering what used to happen in that household.

"Skylar would scream and hit Melody whenever he wanted and if we as much as raised our voice on him, he would cry endlessly in front of his mom like we hit him brutally. Before you say anything, he would only do that whenever his parents were around to hear, so that little shit knew what he was doing.

And of course his mom would believe him every fucking time. So since I couldn't make him behave, the best course of action was to lock myself up in my room so he couldn't get in and cause trouble for me."

"That sounds horrible...." Charlie gasped.

"That's not the end of it." You sadly smiled. "I haven't even told you why I'm hated."

"I hated how they treated Melody from the bottom of my heart. I would speak up for her since she couldn't.

She would often seek refuge in me and stay in my room away from everyone. I read her my different storybooks, showed her my favourite shows and shared my experiences. Gradually she began to think for herself. She began to stand up for herself. Her parents hated that.

They blamed me for corrupting their sweet child with my venomous company. They were mad they couldn't control Melody like before.

Their scolding and hitting got worse from then. There were times we would stay locked in my room for hours while her mom kept shouting all shitty things she could say about me. She even told Melody, A child, to live with me instead of them if she liked me that much."

"Please tell me you guys did something about that later..." Vaggie almost pleaded.

"When things got worse and I couldn't take it anymore, I finally told my mom one day after she got home from work. I didn't want to tell her at first before cause I didn't want to make her worry. My mom and aunt had a huge argument then. Later finally, we rented a small house for ourselves."

'But what happened to Melody?' Angel quickly asked and Charlie translated it just as fast. Everyone had the same question in their mind.

"She...stayed back. I asked her to come with me but she smiled and shook her head. She said she wanted to stay and make that place better."

'Ya gotta hand it to the kid. She had some real guts to stay in a family like that'

You nodded at what Husk said after Vaggie translated it.

"She really had. We did get to see each other from time to time in our family gatherings and such and kept in contact through texting and calling sometimes. But I'm glad to say our bond ever wavered no matter how long we are away from each other "

You said with a small smile looking at everyone.

"Melody has learned to be her own person since I left despite still being in those harsh conditions. And even after all this time, I've never gotten close to her parents for this reason."

You finally finished talking and looked at them for their reactions. Charlie almost immediately tackled you into a hug.

"I knew you were great person! Thank you thank you thank you!"

"Thanks for what Charlie?"

"Nothing don't worry about it!"

Charlie was relieved that you were actually a good person. She doesn't have to feel guilty for defending you. She hugged you tighter in happiness almost choking you.

"C-charlie, can't breathe-"

"Oh sorry sorry"

She quickly let you go and smiled brightly at you. "You're a nice person (Y/n)." Vaggie gave you soft smile.

Everyone in the room was thinking the same thing. The earlier suspicion on you vanishing in an instant.

"Yeah well anyways" you scratched your neck while blushing from all this attention you're getting plus seeing all their eyes on you. "We should eat dinner and go to sleep. I plan on going shopping tomorrow. I want Charlie, Vaggie and Niffty accompanying me since they turned human."

"We get to hang around in the human world?" Niffty said excitedly. You chuckled noticing her enthusiasm.

"Yes you can plus we'll be doing job hunting for you guys. We don't know how long it'll take to find a job so we should start searching from tomorrow "

"Awesome!"

With that, you all slowly went around cooking while chatting, making jabs at one another. Angel was almost thrown into a cooking pot by accident but Charlie noticed it immediately. Other then that, everything was fine.

After sleeping again in previous positions, you woke up to Vaggie calling you this time. You smiled at her and went to the bathroom to freshen up.

After you finished,you went to the kitchen to see Charlie cooking this time with her tongue out a bit upwards as she was flipping pancakes very carefully. It was honestly quite adorable to watch. Vaggie was about to call you but you put a finger on your mouth, making Vaggie go quiet.

You slowly tiptoed behind Charlie making Vaggie look at you confused. Just as Charlie finished flipping a Pancake, you went 'Boo' in her ear playfully. But you didn't expect what happened.

Charlie let out a surprised yelp as she let go of the pan. A bright golden light engulfed her as something fell to the ground in a thud.

As the light disappeared, there was Charlie again, but in her sheep form.

'Oh no, oh no, oh nononono! I'm not getting stuck in this form again!'

She started to scream in panic with sheep sounds and ran around. Vaggie quickly tried running after her to try and calm her down. She picked up a very scared Charlie and held her close as you looked over with guilt.

"Hun calm down, breathe." Vaggie patted Charlie as she looked looked up at her girlfriend teary eyed. "Try to see if you can become human again okay?"

Charlie nodded and calmed her nerves as she tried to imagine herself as human again. After some time, a golden light engulfed her again as she again reappeared as human in Charlie's arms.

"Vaggie, I'm human again! I'm human!" She said shaking Vaggie. "Yes, I can see that...but what happened? Can we turn to our human and animal form at will?" Charlie shruged, not knowing. You came forward looking down.

"I'm really really sorry Charlie. I didn't mean for that to happen.." you said meekly.

"It's alright... It just gave me a little shock that's all" Charlie said nervously laughing. "But at least I turned back again."

'What happened? Why are you all looking so shaken?' Husk said stepping into the room alongside Angel and noticing the pair on the floor holding each other as well as you looking at them apologetically.

After Vaggie told him his eyes were wide open. 'Wait, no shit? That actually worked? Let me see if I can try.' Husk and Angel both tried to imagine themselves as humans but nothing happened. 'Guess it only works with those who already transformed..' Angel sighed.

"Make sure to let others know about this and oh-" Charlie's nose picked up a burning smell. "MY PANCAKES!" She quickly ran towards the pan to salvage the food before it's fully wasted.

You volunteered to eat the slightly burnt pancake as an apology and after that, it was time to go shopping. You, Charlie, Vaggie and Niffty all dressed up in your clothes. Vaggie gathered all the animals before going.

"I'm leaving my front door open in case you all need something. But for this reason, I'll need you all to stay close to the house as well to guard it." You said looking at all of them.

"Especially you Alastor, you're the only one that can do something if a burglar comes by." Since you saw how Alastor could fight even in this form in the woods, he was the best option.

'Yes, yes, I know you can't do anything without me. You girls can go ahead without worry. I'll keep watch." Alastor said in a bored tone but inside he was fuming with pride that you relied on him the most.

"Now then, we shouldn't take too much time. Be safe you guys. You're free to go." With that you went to get the car ready as your three companions waited patiently.

Sir Pentious was about to slither back to the cabin but stopped seeing Cherri head towards your car. Being confused he quickly followed her. Cherri jumped into the car's open trunk while you weren't looking and Pentious did the same.

'Misss Cherri what are you doing here? We're supposed to be back at the cabin!' Pentious whisper shouted.

'Wha- Hey what the fuck man. Don't creep up on me like that!' Cherri was a little spooked seeing Pentious behind her. She thought she was being discreet.

'And I'm going to the town with them! I can't wait till I've transformed see what the world is like now since I'm the last. So I'm hitching a ride!'

'But isn't thiss a bad idea? What if sssomeone sees uss?'

'Oh quit your yapping. You can leave if you want.'

But he could not even if wanted since the trunk closed on them followed by the car starting. Cherri had a grin on her face and Pentious had a look of worry.

Niffty decided to sit next to you on the car and Charlie and Vaggie sat behind. While driving, you started some songs for everyone to enjoy.

All three of them were enjoying the sight of human world as they were practically glued to their windows. Especially Charlie since she spent her entire life in hell. Even though they went outside in your cabin, it was nothing compared to driving through various places like this. The sight of them made the corners of your lips turn up.

"By the way Niffty, did you get any powers like us?" Vaggie asked suddenly remembering.

"Not really, no. Me and mr.Alastor tried really hard to see if I had any type of powers but nothing worked." Niffty answered while her eyes were still glued to the window. "But I can turn into a dog again at will now!"

"I see..oh and (Y/n). Can I request something..?" Vaggie asked sheepishly.

"Hm,yes? What is it?"

"Can I get some glasses? I think my eye sight has lessened.."

"Oh yes sure! We'll get your eyes checked then!"

Finally you reached your place. You parked the car and you three finally stepped outside. Suddenly Niffty started sniffing the air with her ears moving.

"Niffty? What's wrong?" Charlie asked concerned. Niffty didn't answer as she stepped behind the trunk and opened it.

"Uh-huh! Found you! I knew I heard some weird sounds coming from the back!"

"What? Who's there?" You went to stand beside Niffty and found Pentious and Cherri red handed.

You quickly pulled the hood down and looked around see if anyone was starting at you. Having a squirrel was fine but people might report you to the police if they saw you have a snake in your car, thinking you're a poacher. And the worst thing is they'll take him away to who knows where.

"What the fuck are you guys doing here? You guys should be at the cabin!" You hissed through your teeth at them.

'What? Taking a stroll couldn't hurt! Plus this dumbass followed me here himself.' Cherri said looking at Pentious. 'I wass only trying to ssee what you were doing!'

You sighed. You couldn't leave them both here. Who knows what they'll start doing if they're left alone. You don't want to have any more trouble in your hands. Rummaging through the car, you found a big shopping bag that you usually use for groceries.

"Jump in here and not a single peek from either of you got it?" You said holding the bag in front of them.

'Got it!' Cherri grinned as she jumped inside and Pentious followed. You gave the bag to Niffty.

"Niffty can I ask you to take care of this bag? Make sure none of them peeks their head out of try to come out okay?" You requested her with worry. "Can you do that for me?"

"Mam,Yes Mam! I'll make sure of that!" She copied military style and gave you a salute making you chuckle a bit.

"I'll hold onto that then"

After that was over, you guys went to buy foods and two extra mattresses for now. Then you guys went to buy clothes. They didn't buy much since they could just wear your clothes for the most part as you suggested and bought personal items. You'll have to spend more money on the boys clothes when they turn human. And finally on Vaggie's glasses.

After a successful trip, you four bought some ice creams as you headed towards your car. Cherri did try to sneak out a couple of times but Niffty made sure she couldn't. Some people on the street thought the three of them were cosplaying and wanted to take selfies  but you quickly declined.

You also collected some informations on the places looking to hire right now. You decided to sort through them later. You led them through a shortcut to reach the parking lot faster. You spent more time than you planned on getting sucked in the fun hanging out with them.

All in all it was a successful shopping trip. That was until you turned a corner while walking and bumped into someone making you spill your ice cream over them.

"I'm sorry! I'm so so sorry!" You quickly yelled out looking at the shirt that now had a stain and some bits of ice cream falling to the ground from the shirt.

"Oi look where you're going bitch!" The guy yelled out pushing you away from him. You would fall to the floor if Vaggie didn't catch you in time. "Careful!" She yelled out.

As the guy started to come closer Charlie moved in front of you defensively. "She said sorry already! So please stop this!" She pleaded as you stood up again.

"Fuck no. That bitch ruined my shirt and now she'll have to pay for it!" The guy shoved Charlie aside and grabbed your collar making you look at his face.

Niffty was standing behind Vaggie still holding onto the bag as the scene transpired in from of her. She started growling unknowningly as she took a step ahead.

Sir Pentious and Cherri were listening to everything that was transpiring outside.

'Shit, something very bad is happening outside!' Cherri said looking a bit nervous.

'It sounds like (Y/n) is in trouble..' Pentious said as they both peeked out of the bag just as you were grabbed by your collar.

'(Y/n) no..I can't let anything happen to her!' Pentious said as he jumped out of the bag. Niffty finally noticed him. "Pentious you're not supposed to be out!"

'She helped us all these time, fed us, took care of us. The least I can do is protect in danger!'

His body began to grow bright yellow. Vaggie who was about to jump onto the guy, stopped and looked behind her.

The man's disgusting breath hit your nose like a tornado. He raised one hand to hit you as you quickly prepared yourself to defend. But a hand came from behind you, catching the attackers raised one.

"I don't think it's in proper manner to hit a lady."

A.N: So I've realised that I should probably make the chapters longer otherwise there's gonna be a huge number of chapters by the time I'm finished.

So yeah, heads up for that! (⁠・⁠∀⁠・⁠)

Also I didn't tell here before, but I'm planning on a QnA if I reach 1k votes and kudos in ao3 and wattpad. I already reached 1k on wattpad and now for the ao3 (⁠~⁠‾⁠▿⁠‾⁠)⁠~

You guys can ask the cast or me any questions during that. But of course, no telling spoilers.

Tag list: @legostars @glowinthedarkbones1150

@darifes @aria-tempest

[ericshoney]

Secret Sister ~ Chapter six

Summary: After spending much needed time with your family, you invite your adopted parents over for a big family dinner.

Warnings: possible swearing, nicknames, mention of adoption, crying, slight angst, fluff

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You were in the kitchen with MaryLou, helping her cook. The two of you had some music playing softly, laughing and joking as you made plenty of food for your family. Tonight you were having a massive dinner with your birth family and adoptive parents.

"Hmm, it smells good in here!" Nick shouted as he walked in, throwing his arms around you and your mum.

"Because it's real food, sweetie." Your mum replied.

"Mum we don't live on take out." Nick responded.

You laughed as your mum mumbled a response. He heard Chris calling for him so he ran off seeing what he wanted. You smiled as you continued cooking with your mum.

"I hope I've made enough." She mentioned as all the food was placed out. You laughed slightly, seeing the kitchen island and counters covered in trays of food.

"I'm sure you did, mum." You answered, making her smile.

Just then, there was a knock at the door. You ran to get it opening it to see your adopted parents, Jacky and Luke.

"Hi sweetie!" Jacky called, pulling you into a hug.

"Hey, come in." You said, making them smile.

"Guys Jacky and Luke are here!" You shouted.

Nick, Matt, Chris and Justin all came from various places in the house, introducing themselves, as your parents came over to join in.

"How are you guys?" Jimmy asked.

"We've been well, how about yourselves?" Luke responded.

Both sets of your parents continued their conversation before heading to the kitchen to talk. You sat with your brothers chilling before dinner.

"So, I don't wanna sound rude or anything, but like, did you call them mum and dad?" Chris asked you.

"Not rude, bro. I know when I was really young I did and when I was told I was adopted I still did, but sometimes would use their names." You answered.

"I guess you can say the same for us. Sometimes we call mum and dad, MaryLou and Jimmy." Nick responded.

You nodded as you started talking about random stuff, Chris shouting loudly as Nick tried to tell him to be quiet.

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, all four parents were chatting. MaryLou and Jimmy, slightly in shock by what they've just been told.

"Are you both serious?" MaryLou questioned.

"Of course we are. Y/n is a daughter to us and we love her, but seeing how she is with you and your sons, we can't take that away from her anymore. What do you both say?" Jacky replied.

"If you are both sure, we'd love to." Jimmy answered.

"Amazing, we'll tell them over dinner." Luke responded.

"Which is now. Kids come eat!" You mum shouted.

The five of you went to the kitchen and grabbed a plate, getting some food, all of you sitting around and chatting. Laughing as jokes were exchanged.

"Honey, there's something we want to talk about." Jacky called.

"What is it?" You asked.

"Well, seeing how well you're getting on with everyone and how happy you are and don't want to take that away from you." She began.

"What we're trying to say is, if you want, you can stay here. Be with your family." Luke continued.

"For real?" You asked.

"For real, sweetheart." Jacky said.

"Is that cool?" You asked, looking at MaryLou and Jimmy.

"Honey it's more than cool. We'd love to have you back." MaryLou responded.

You smiled wide as your brothers all cheered, happy to have you home permanently. But there was a sudden pang in your chest as you looked at Jacky and Luke. Why did you suddenly feel guilty?

"Can....Can we talk for a minute please?" You asked, looking at the two.

Jacky and Luke nodded, leaving the table with you, heading outside to the back garden. You felt the tears in your eyes, but held them back.

"What's wrong, darling?" Luke asked.

"I....I guess I just feel bad. I know that's my blood family there, but you guys raised me." You admitted.

"Oh honey, we fully understand. We just want you to be happy and from what MaryLou has told us, it was like you were never gone. Your brothers love having you back and couldn't imagine you going again." Jacky replied, hugging you tightly.

"You're always more than welcome to visit us." Luke added, joining the hug.

You nodded as you all went back inside, joining your family to eat again. You smiled as Matt made a joke, making everyone laugh and knew, this was your home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tags:

@lgbtq-girl @mattsfavbigtitties @onelesslonelygirlbieber6 @riowritesitall @sturniolo-fann

[a-substantial-trash-pile]

real downer mental health stuff below cut. sorry. it's been a real hard couple weeks and i need to get things out somewhere or i'll go crazy.

i just need to get my feelings written out because right now i feel like im going to explode and i can't afford therapy right now and i can't talk to any friends because i cant live with the guilt of burdening them with my problems. so this is the only way i can think of getting it out of me. but i still feel guilty even doing this so im turning reblogs off because i don't want anyone to feel like they need to provide words of comfort or anything like that. would turn off replies to this post too if i knew how to do it. i just need to get it Out.

a few weeks ago, my family had a discussion about putting our old dog down. he's deaf and blind and has dementia that's gotten much worse this year. and he isn't really "living" anymore. i'm not sure he even knows who i am anymore. and it hurts so so bad. i know it's time. but it hurts so fucking bad. i don't want to be the one to make the phone call and make the appointment and solidify the date i lose him forever, so i asked my dad if he could do it. my mom wanted to do it immediately but my dad said he would make the call after my mom's surgeries for her parkinsons that was happening this month. i know my dad doesn't want to put our dog down. the whole thing was brought up in the first place because my mom keeps bringing it up. and it makes her and my dad argue which is not what i fucking want right now. she tends to bring up the subject with my dad and i at the worst times, when im feeling especially terrible. she just had her last surgery yesterday so she brought it up again tonight. the way she brings it up has kind of really sucked for me. i was already feeling especially depressed because everything was just feeling so overwhelming today (stress from thinking about my dog and also hearing that my mom fell on her face and got hurt while i was at work). the past couple times my mom has brought up my dog with me, she's started it off by asking if i had been crying and then when i say that i was, she asks when we're putting our dog down. i don't know why she's doing it like this. i feel upset at her for doing it this way, but at the same time i feel bad for being upset at her because she has parkinson's and just had surgery. even though the surgery went well, i still feel guilty that i'm upset with her.

i couldn't give my mom a straight answer because again, i don't want to be the one to solidify the date, so i told her i'm waiting for dad to make the phone call. she said, "ok i'm going to tell dad." then i went downstairs and cried while she immediately went to tell my dad. i could hear my parents argue about it. it's not a subject my dad likes to acknowledge and my mom has been really pushy about it with him and me. i regret and feel guilty about asking my dad to make the call. i should have just sucked it up and said i would do it. i think i might have to be the one to do it. but it hurts so fucking bad.

whenever my mom talks about it with my dad, she always tries to pressure him by bringing up how sad it's making me. when she does that it feels like im being made into the main "reason" to put our dog down. that if we don't put him down as soon as possible, my mental health will keep spiraling. and yeah, im not doing great right now, but i don't want to keep hearing it brought up over and over like that. i don't want to feel like it's my fault. i know my dog needs to be put down. but i don't want to feel like it's because of me. does that make sense? is that selfish? is the amount of crying i've been doing not "normal" in this situation? it's not like i cry all day. i only do it at night and i try to hide it as best i can. i don't want my mom to see and tell me "this is why we need to put him down now." which she has done before. i don't know. it just hurts so bad.

i haven't been able to tell my mom about how she's been upsetting me. because she'll get upset about it if i do. and i feel bad for being upset in the first place. because i know in the end, these actions she's taking is because she's worried for me. she just. doesn't think things through all the time. she's always spoken before thinking. although im not sure if her parkinson's has made this habit worse. i can't remember if she's always been at this level or if this is something exacerbated by parkinson's. which makes me feel even more guilty about being upset at her. god. everything just feels fucked right now. so overwhelming. i wish i could see my therapist again, but i just can't afford that expense right now.

i've been having more nightmares. been having the stupid sleep paralysis shit. been having more frequent intrusive thoughts of driving off the bridge i go over on my commute or looking at my pills and wondering what would happen if i took everything in the bottle at once. i don't think i would ever actually act on these things, because i love my family too much to have them deal with that kind of hardship. it's just been exhausting for my brain. and some days the thoughts feel closer than others. but that's depression for you. been dealing with it for many years. this has just been one of those real bad times for it. if anyone is actually reading this, please dont worry. i know that's kind of dumb of me to say considering everything i wrote here. but really please don't worry. i just needed a place to put my thoughts and feel like i'm releasing them somehow. im still here. i've had these bad thoughts before and i'm still here. i will still be here. it'll get better. i just need to hold on again.

i just wish dogs lived longer.

[xxlady-lunaxx]

Emotional pain | {DouKaza}

Theme: Angst+Fluff

Note: Manga spoilers<3

Have you ever felt guilty for something at an excrutiating level, to the point you feel that you can no longer live, no longer feel and you go numb, not wanting to live, anymore, just wanting to end everything? And yet, you don't know why. You don't know why you feel like that, you could never understand yourself, but you still—still—feel so fucking guilty. 

Douma sat with his head buried in his hands, wishing he could rid of this ache in him, wanting to understand what the hell he'd done to make himself feel like this. 

Footsteps, quiet, familiar.

He turned.

"Akaza-dono?" 

Uppermoon three stood at the doorway, his arms crossed, eyebrows raised. "Didn't know you spent your free time crying," he said.

"I'm not crying!" Douma protested. 

Akaza sighed and walked forward, untangling his arms and reaching out, wiping Douma's cheek was strange tenderness. "You're crying. You literally have tears staining your cheeks," he said, showing him the tear drop he'd gotten on his finger.

Douma reached up and rubbed at his eyes. "No... I just got something in my eye," he said, pouting.

"Whatever you say."

"Why are you here, Akaza-dono?" he asked, tilting his head.

"Because the sun rose and this place had to be the only close shelter," Akaza said, rolling his eyes. "Just my luck."

Douma beamed. "We can spend time together!" he said.

"Fuck no, I'm not spending any time with you." Akaza turned abruptly. "I was planning to not even talk to you but I heard someone crying."

"I wasn't crying," Douma whined. Then remembered why he had been and said, quietly for he was afraid Akaza would only call him stupid, "Akaza-dono, do you know why I feel guilty?"

Akaza paused in his tracks. "Guilty? Of what?" 

"I'm not sure," he admitted. "But it hurts."

The shorter Uppermoon turned. "Hurt? How?"

Douma placed a hand to his chest, pressing slightly. "Like pain that wasn't there but hurt a lot," he murmured. "I could tell, only, that it was guilt. I... don't know why, or how, or what happened, or anything. Only... what."

"Oh." Akaza blinked. "Do you have any idea why? Did you recently do something regrettable?" he asked, tilting his head slightly. 

Douma shook his head. "If I did, I wouldn't know. I never know." He looked down. 

Akaza sighed, moving forward until they stood face to face. "Listen, guilt is like a form of regret that comes if you did something you felt you shouldn't have or if you didn't do something when you felt you should've. Something like that. Might not be obvious to you since you're a dumbass, but try thinking about if you know anytime that might fit my description." 

Douma nodded, sitting down on the cushion he always sat on while he spoke to his patients, except this time he was the patient being spoken to, helped.

Akaza sighed and sat down as well, figuring nothing bad would come out of this anyways. Besides, if he made Douma realize how to understand emotions maybe he would stop bothering the shit out of him.

And so he waited in silence, the only sound in the room was their breathing which came out soft and quiet, even in the silence.

Akaza started counting the seconds, his boredom getting the best of him. 

When he got to around four hundred and seventy two, Douma spoke up, his voice loud and startling both of them. 

"Sorry," Douma said, lowering his voice to a near whisper to fit the silence that had spread across the two of them.

"Mm, did you figure anything out?" Akaza asked. He was curious, although he'd never admit that.

"Well, there was this woman... Her name was Kotoha. I dunno... I kept her with me for a bit but later she found out I was a demon and ran away and I killed her and she dropped her child off a cliff." Douma shrugged. "That's all I can think of. Well, I've always wondered what would happen if I had emotions. People say they would feel horrible if they killed someone or if their parents died or anything like that, but I never felt anything when all of that happened for me." He sighed. "I don't konw, Akaza-dono. I can't figure anything out." 

Akaza stared at him. "Why did you kill the woman?" he asked completely ignoring everything else.

"Because she ran away?" Douma said, confused. "Why not?"

"She's a woman!! She didn't do anything wrong!! Besides, I'm sure she would be devestated to know she dropped her child," Akaza said, crossing his arms. 

"Huh? But... she was a human?" Douma said.

"And?" 

They stared at each other for a beat before Akaza sighed.

"Fine, we'll drop that topic. Why did you keep the woman with you?" he asked.

"She was pretty! And really cheerful." Douma smiled, reminising in the memories. "I sometimes feel like I shouldn't have killed her. But I don't know if it's guilt. She was just good company."

Akaza rolled his eyes. "Clearly you have no experience in emotions despite living for over a century. A normal person would feel horrible if they killed someone they enjoyed spending time with. And what you said about your parents dying, they'd feel bad for not doing anything. Unless they didn't give a fuck about them, of course," he said, lifting a shoulder in a half shrug.

"...Okay," Douma said, nodding. "So maybe that's it? But then... why's it so... intense?"

"Why's what?" 

"The guilt? Or whatever." He looked down. "Will it go away?" 

Akaza shook his head. "It might go away, it might not. Depends on if you will still care."

Douma nodded again, closing his eyes. Fuck it wouldn't go away. It appeared less, now, as if he understanding it better could bring him to feel better as well. But it wasn't gone. 

"You alright?" Akaza asked as Douma's facial expression contorted to one of pain. 

The slight concern hidden in his voice brought the rainbow eyes to open and he looked up, nodding stiffly.

"I'm scared, Akaza-dono," he mumbled.

"Why?"

"I don't understand anything. I don't like this." His voice was so meek, small, so contrasting to everything he'd ever done.

And it made Akaza pity him. Sort of. 

He stood, then, sitting next to Douma and placing a hand on his back.

"Listen, sure, we're demons, but everyone needs some time to understand shit and learn. You'll understand eventually and it's not like you haven't functioned before without understanding. I just... don't stress it, it's annoying and you're going to keep asking me for help, probably. Whatever you regret, it's in the past and you can't change that." Akaza paused, then, his mind flashing him everything he regretted, too fast for him to comprehend but slow enough for him to notice. He sighed. "Whatever happened just try not to let it happen again."

Douma nodded slowly. "Okay... That makes sense," he said, turning to look at the Uppermoon. "Thank you, Akaza-dono." He smiled, an action that looked so much more genuine than normal and made Akaza's heart flutter with something he'd never admit to even himself. 

"Sure, whatever," he said, slipping off the cushion and standing. "I'm going to go find a room to stay in here. Don't talk to me anymore."

"Okay!" Douma said, a lot more cheerfully than before. 

Akaza gave him a slight smile then wandered out the door and into the halls, his mind stuck on the image of Douma's smile.

{Word count: 1245}

A little explanation to Douma's silly guilt:

Mostly, I was thinking, he felt guilty for not being able to feel bad or feel anything and react properly about anything

He'd been helping his patients and had been hit with a sudden thought that people poured out their emotions to him and he responded with more or less a lie and a half hearted sorry to hear that and he felt bad about that, but he didn't realize since he'd been doing it his whole life and had never realized it wasn't really normal 

[fishhawish]

hellooo good day to you ! :D

i've read your cheater Diluc x vindictive Reader but i was hoping you could do this but this time with ayato cheating on reader with chiori. i want reader realising he is cheating from her oldest child.

you can ignore this if you're not ok with it !! stay safe~

(ps. if you have anon emojis, may i be 🌸 anon?)

Awe thank you<3 ofc 🌸 Anon! I don't have them but You can be my first. Also sorry for long response, stay safe as well!

I'm currently still also mad at chiori because I didn't get her sword on weapon banner and I wanted it for albedo so perfect lol.

And sorry it's short I have no motivation rn.

♪

Perfidiousness • Ayato x Reader

Angst with some comfort

Tw: cheating, manipulation, toxic relationship, slight misogyny, divorced parents (lmk if I missed anything)

At night winters in Inazuma can get quite chilly. And even chillier in your marriage with Kamisato Ayato. Despite being next to him at night, the bed still felt cold unlike how it used to be. The once attentive and doting man began to neglect your relationship. The beautiful Chiori designed sleep wear being the only thing to warm you. The beautiful pattern in the colors that you loved detailed the high quality fabric elegantly.

Sooner than later, even those luxurious items of clothing couldn't keep you warm when you saw your eldest daughter coming back with a sickened expression, but refusal to answer. "Sweetie what's wrong?" Your voice gently calls out to her as she whips around and shakes her head frantically. "Are you feeling unwell?" Worry in your tone. "Please do not worry, I just happened to see a dead cat when I went for a stroll" she responds trying to hide the panic.

You could see through the lies of hers. "Oh my, I'll send Thoma to give it a proper burial. Is that okay dear?" You said as you put your hand on her shoulder to comfort her. "Yes, that will be appreciated." Your daughter said walking off. After she left You peer though the open crack on the door to see Ayato assisting and giving chiori his goodbyes before she left for the night. He paid her to make you a custom garment for your anniversary.

Something look quite off about the two giving each other their goodbyes. It seemed.. unprofessional. Perhaps more, close? You decided to ignore it. Your daughter looked at you from the corner of the hallway hoping you noticed her father's affair with the fashion designer. She looked guilty, looking down at the ground. Contemplating wether she should tell you about his affair or not. 'Maybe You already knew and is ignoring it?" She thought.

The next morning she called out to you. Her voice ringing in your ears as you turn your attention to her. "Yes dear?" You said, voice bearly above a whisper as you smile at her sweetly. "There's something you should know.. Have You seen Father and Miss Chiori recently?" She looked worried. You nodded in response. "Do you know what's going on between them?" She asked nervously watching you shake your head 'no'.

She looked even more nervous. "I believe Father is having an affair with Miss Chiori.." she watched your expressions, which although looked sad it didn't change too much. "That's okay, she can't replace me." You tell her, a surprised expression evidence on her facial features. "You're not going to leave Father?" she said. "It'll take me a lot more than just an affair to leave him, after all I won't give up being his wife. He can have his affair all he wants, but I won't divorce him." You looked confidently at her.

"But why?" She said distressed. "I have my reasons" You replied softly while hugging her. She was about to cry. She didn't understand the reasoning for which why you would ever stay with Ayato if he's cheating. "If I divorce him, It'll ruin your little sibling's family lives, and it'll take away my power in Inazuma." You look away from her smiling softly before releasing her from the hug.

She looked up at you, slightly hurt but understanding. "Are you sure?" She whispered as you nodded. "I'm positive" You said nonchalantly. "Thank You, I will be returning to my corridor. I love you." She looked at the ground sounding defeated. "I love you too sweetie" you said before returning to your current task. The day goes by and ends quickly.

Day by day, you see Chiori with your husband. Her giving you backhanded compliments, at some point your daughter even almost snapped at her and started yelling at her. Your Husband constantly getting onto your daughter for her behaviors. At some point you'll have to stop him from getting angry and yelling. And yet you watch Him cheat on You with Chiori every day. And she's blissfully unaware.

[autisticempathydaemon]

Hi! These matchups you do are really fun so I thought I’d give it a go :)

What song are you fixated on at the moment? What lyric or verse, and why?

I’m a Megan Thee Stallion fan! I love her songs, they get me so pumped. Right now I love one of her older songs Plan B. It makes me feel confident and reminds me not to take sh*t from anyone!

“Ladies, love yourself 'cause this shit could get ugly That's why it's, "Fuck n***** get money" And I don't give a fuck if that n**** leave tonight. Because, n****, that dick don't run me”

What is your Enneagram type?

I’m an ENFP :)

Do you love gargantuan Youtube video essays, and if so, which is your favorite and why?

Yes I do! I love to listen to them like a podcast while I scroll on Pinterest or draw. I enjoy watching Wendigoon. I’m a horror gal so I love urban legends and creepy stuff. My particular favorite is “The Deal With The Devil That Created Rock And Roll”

Tell me about your childhood imaginary friend.

never had one

What is your go-to way to fall asleep?

Listening to bf asmr or reading some fanfics

If you had to change your name, what would it be, and why? (In tandem, if you have changed your name, why did you pick that one?)

The funny thing about my name is that nobody calls me by my government one. It’s one of those long, slightly formal names. So when I was baby I was given a nickname. Now everyone in my life knows me by that nickname. I didn’t pick it, but i like my nickname and I feel like it fits :)

What is your favorite of Redacted’s audios, and why?

Oooh that’s a hard choice. I like so many of them. But I’d have to pick Gavin’s first confession audio. It’s so sweet and I’m a sucker for confessions.

What Redacted boy holds no appeal to you, and why? Like, not the one you hate but the one who you don’t get the hype for. (I won’t judge, I promise.)

Hmm, I think Asher. just doesn’t appeal to me. I think our personalities are too similar

Tell me about that one book/movie/tv show you know all the words to.

”The Parent Trap” with Linsey Lohan! or “Clueless”

Which Redacted boy are you platonically attracted to? Like- forget dating, which dude do you want to be your best friend?

I think Guy. He’d be a fun bestie, and he’d make me cry laughing

Do you have a go-to thing you ramble about when you’re tired, and if so, what is it? (For example, my boyfriend knows I’m ready to sleep when I start talking about space.)

Not rlly. I get more quiet when I’m sleepy.

Tell me your go-to gas station and drink combo.

Combo pretzel and cheese chips and a Coke!

Tell me about your favorite playlist at the moment. 

It’s titled ‘Bad Bitch’ and it’s filled with Kim Petras, Twice, Kali Uchis, and ofc Megan Thee Stallion :)

What’s your guilty pleasure media, and why?

Cheesy rom coms and romance books. Also Studio Ghibli movies

Extra info:

I’m an extrovert

I love the sunshine x grumpy trope

I’m a fashion girlie and I must have a cute outfit at all times if I’m going out

that’s all, thank you!

Easy peasy! I think you and your match would have a lot of shared interests, but it’s the love of fashion that cinched it. There’s no better match for that than Gavin.

Like, literally, you’d like so many of the same things; horror, K-pop, Megan Thee Stallion, romance novels. The music especially is such a fun thing you two share; he knows all the choreography, maybe even all the words. (I think he’s a Girls Generation fan if I had to pick. Given his age, I think Gavin stans the classics.) You also share a book collection, the incubus often getting saucy and using them as inspiration or quoting them.

All in all, you’re a very compatible couple, an extroverted pair who looks good together. I can see y’all going on really cute mall dates, thrifting cute clothes, buying new books, going to see the new horror movie of the week, and Gavin laughing at it to everyone in the theater’s surprise. (Because of his demonic, supernatural nature, I like to hc Gavin as enjoying horror but not being scared by it in the least.) (Also, I really love that both of you go by nicknames instead of your birth names; it’s meant to be.)

Song:

I'm talkin' all around clock/ I'm talkin' hope nobody knocks/ I'm talkin' opposite of soft/ I'm talkin' wild, wild thoughts/ You gotta keep up with me/ I got some young energy/ I caught the L-O-V-E/ How do you do this to me?

Once you get Gavin properly acclimated to pop culture and music, he becomes the king of it, always his finger on the pulse. I love to think of him as a pop idol, Sabrina Carpenter fan- especially of this fun, flirty song and how it’s performed. He loves to play this while doing chores around the house, coming up with his own naughty refrains like how Sabrina does during live performances.

Runner-ups:

Given your love of fashion, I had to put Milo somewhere in your big three. Anton, in contrast, is a runner-up because of how adorably you’d contrast. I love a good introvert/extrovert pairing, and I really get a giggle out of imagining Anton flustered at hearing WAP for the first time.

Read this post and send me an ask if you’d like a match-up of your own! 💌

[elaboratedbee]

As a fellow Bigby lover, I must share my latest thought: I’ve been unable to shake the thought of Bigby being super reluctant to discipline his kids as youngsters. It HURTS to be the one to say no or have to send them to time out, especially when they cry about it. 🫠

idk how i didn't see this but you are sO INCREDIBLY CORRECT

everyone expects bigby to keep his kids on a tight leash and be pretty harsh with them (because does he have another setting?) but they're all very very wrong

bigby literally is obsessed with his kids, but he has a lot of insecurities and anxiety about being a father, which he hates talking about because he's repressed as fuck. he sees himself as a monster, and he's terrified the whole time before becoming a dad that he's going to struggle with staying in control around them, or that he's not going to be around for them like his father wasn't. he doesn't want his kids to turn out like him, he wants them to be better

this basically manifests itself in bigby... being a gigantic softie for his babies

he cannot say no to them for the life of him, especially when they get upset or beg or cry, he gives in 9/10 times which is absolutely awful and just causes more problems because they're used to getting their way lmao.

he is very very soft with them, he's the kind of dad who cannot handle his children growing up whatsoever, he literally carries them everywhere and he hates when he has to step in and discipline them, but he does reluctantly do so when they're fighting with one another. even though he knows logically he is in the right, and would be actively letting them down if he didn't parent them, his insecurities play on their mind when they're upset and he feels like a monster. he feels super guilty whenever they're sad or unhappy with him. it’s pretty funny, because he’s the sheriff, so he should be good at handing out punishments, he’s just not when it comes to his little ones

if anyone comments on his parenting or even WORSE?? his kids behaviour, he literally picks them up and puts them on his hip and becomes that 'don't talk to me or my son ever again' meme because his kid did NOTHING wrong you fuckin prick

bonus: bigby has an extra soft spot for the runt of the litter like his mother did for him (darien calls winter the runt a lot), and would be extra extra soft and always pay them special attention, just giving them a little bit of extra love and protection to make sure they know how loved and cared for they are, maybe taking their side a little more often than is justified :')

[roguetelepaths]

memory

for @b5-minvember

content warnings: family separation, mentions of parental abandonment, implied systemic homophobia, cult indoctrination vibes (because Psi Corps)

summary: Chloe Ford dreams of her life before the Corps.

Sometimes, Chloe wakes up in the dorm blinking away tears, grasping at threads of a quickly vanishing memory. 

In her dreams, Chloe Ford— Chloe Neely— lives in a little house in the Scottish countryside, with two men whose faces are foggy and distorted, but whose voices are still perfectly clear to her even after all these years. She’s young, maybe four or five, running through the house in a sparkly green dress with iridescent stitched-on butterfly wings. One of her dads catches her, spins her around gently, and oh, she can feel his love for her, as truly as she can feel her own. 

“You're it!” he playfully shouts, squeezing her tight before setting her down. “Now, let's see how well you can find me.” 

She giggles, confident that she'll find him in no time at all. She's good at hide and seek. Really good. All she needs to do is just follow the background hum of idle thoughts he doesn't even know he's broadcasting. She counts to ten, then she's off, following the trail as best as she can, until… 

…just know they'll find any excuse to take her away from us…

She pauses. She knows her dads love her very much. She knows that they aren't able to have children of their own, so they wished for it really hard and asked the right government agencies really nicely and eventually, when she was too young to remember, she was given to them. They've told her that plenty of times. So why would anyone ever take her away? 

…there's no way the Psi Corps will ever let us see her again if they take her…

And that's when her heart drops into her feet, and she remembers that this all happened a long time ago. 

“Daddy?” Chloe calls, and suddenly she's not in her body anymore, she's watching as the hallway darkens and becomes longer, and then black-gloved hands grab her arms and pull her into the dark. Into… 

Into wakefulness. 

She sits up slowly and opens her eyes, feeling them wet with tears that she wasn't awake to remember crying. Why was she crying? She loves it here. She has a great time every day with all her friends, under the watchful and gentle eye of her cadre mother, Miss Isabela. I don't belong with them anymore, she tries to tell herself. The Corps is Mother, the Corps is Father. 

<Are you okay?>

Now everyone in the dorm can tell I was having a nightmare, she thinks to herself, concealing it carefully. Stupid. <I'm fine, Milena,> she answers. Milena is one of her best friends, even if they're technically all supposed to care about each other equally. She'd arrived and been assigned to Chloe’s cadre only a year after Chloe herself, and they'd become close friends just by virtue of being the two newest arrivals. 

<You were dreaming about your old life again, weren't you.>

Guilty as charged. <Yeah,> Chloe says. <I know I shouldn't.>

Milena projects support and something that almost feels like solidarity, which Chloe instinctively shies from before accepting it. <It's okay. I do sometimes too.> A burst of bitter laughter comes through their telepathic connection. <Which is crazy, because my birth parents didn't even want me after my telepathy came in.> 

<Yeah, well, my dads did,> Chloe replies, making it clear just how much she doesn't want to hear it. <They loved me. They wanted me, and they wouldn't have just given me up.>

<But they did.>

<Because the government made them. Something about failure to report…> Chloe feels herself beginning to cry again, and wills herself to stop. It’s unfair. Out of everyone she knows with family outside of the Corps, hers are the only ones explicitly barred from having anything to do with her. Everyone else's, like Milena’s, simply don't want to. <They're not like your birth parents. They didn't stop loving me when they found out I was a telepath.> 

There is silence for a while before Milena responds. It's clear to Chloe that she doesn't understand— that she can't. She had nothing to lose when the Corps found her. Chloe, meanwhile, lost everything. <I'm sorry,> Milena offers, <for what it's worth. They sound like great people.> 

<They were,> Chloe answers. 

<Promise me you'll tell Miss Isabela about the dreams?>

She wants to make that promise. She trusts Miss Isabela more than anyone. But she's hesitant… even more since she doesn't feel like she's allowed to be.  

<Yeah,> she agrees. <I'll do that tomorrow morning.> 

[fatimaah]

low-key sad June

After the cooking day (13th) I had a big fight with my parents. First I didn't call them and didn't tell them that I will be done at 7, then I kinda messed up on the way home cuz I forgot to tell my dad to let the power on since we have food in the fridge. And after that....worse, I came home to find my mom literally FURIOUS. She told me that I really messed up, I didn't text her enough time and wasn't online when she texted me and I didn't have time to clean the house properly after the girls left. We had this annoying dinner when everyone is silent (of course I didn't eat anything and soon went to the kitchen cuz I was mad at them too).

And the thing that got me super mad and sad and every negative emotion ever is that after dinner my mom was like nOw wE wiLL gO tHerE anD cLeAn afTeR u. As if I didn't clean ON PURPOSE. I insisted on cleaning everything the next day or at least going with them to do all the job myself but they didn't agree and told me to stay home. So technically....it was their choice to clean after me, I told them I'll clean it the next day morning. But that time I felt super guilty which then made me sad too and I cried myself to sleep. Messed up. Literally nothing that bad happened but as always, she made a whole drama. I swear everytime she does it she acts like I AM THE drama queen.

Anyway, Eid came soon and we're preparing for it. I think my grandma told them about me crying because they both didn't say a single thing about it in the morning. We were preparing presents for everyone and blah blah blah.

This Ramadan, and this Eid Kurban I don't feel like celebrating... because of Palestine and Sudan.

But we went to my grandma's house for a barbeque, my cousins came and we did henna tattoos together and then my father got a parrot as his present. He is really into birds and he looked really happy. He still is, I swear he is literally in love with this Jako (I love him too but I was more excited about my dad being so happy because these months he wasn't doing well with his job and everything)

Days passed buy, I mostly got money for Eid and didn't really get much material presents.

Yesterday was a scary day. Really really scary. My dad got into a car accident. I cried so much when I heard about it. Happily, he wasn't hurt much, just a bit on his arm and neck. Now he's better.

Because he had to sell his car five months ago, he was using my mom's car. Now my mom's car is absolutely crushed by the accident

(it's really REALLY lucky that my dad even survived because the whole car except for his seat was literally crushed)

We used to have two cars, now we have none - that doesn't make me sad tho. I still feel so happy my dad is alive and okay. Alhamdullilah.

And...I realized that anytime, anything terrible can happen and it can take all of my happiness. Anytime, anyone I love can die. And I don't want to think about it. I would rather die than living my parents' deaths....I feel scared. I can't imagine what would happen if he didn't survive. I don't want to think about it but I can't help myself.

Unfortunately, life is always moving forward. Never back to the good old days when we were fine and didn't worry much about money and everything. Never back to school girl era where I was just enjoying my friends' company. Never back to times when we had things to talk about with my friend group.

I can try to keep our friendship the same but....it seems like we have less and less bonding with each day. Less things to talk about, less things to trust....less things to ask.

Can't blame anyone, life just moves forward, and never back.

June 19, 2024

[detachedfacade]

part two | read part one on ao3 | see all parts

eddie had seen it before in the mirror, the face of a man clinging onto the hope of love despite all the evidence on the contrary being thrown at him. and he saw it again, there at work on a normal wednesday evening, when an old aquaintance (cough crush cough) was staring him in the face with a broken look in his eyes and the news he was waiting for his boyfriend.

the word waiting sat heavy in the air, eddie had watched him sat in bar for over an hour, bored and lost. hadn't realised who it was until they were face to face, felt guilty about the bet he'd made with his coworker on whether the cute guy had been stood up.

and maybe eddie hadn't ever been in a real relationship, so maybe steve was right when he said he didn't understand, but god, steve had to leave this guy right? eddie wasn't a complete idiot about these things. and with steve sat silently in the passenger seat as eddie drove him back to his place he couldn't keep himself from saying

you know, you are worth a lot more than a guy who makes you wait two hours

to which steve scoffed, and eddie added

i'm so serious steve you were the hottest guy in school you could get literally anyone you want

thats not exactly true though is it? steve answered , i've had two serious relationships in my life. nancy broke up with me and brick...i don't know if he's gonna wanna see me again after what i said

what did you say?

...i said he was a self centred asshole who treats everyone around him like shit to try and live out his high school fantasies of being a popular kid

steve stopped, looked at eddie whos eyebrows raised and lip quirked upward

its kinda harsh, huh? steve asked

eddie sighed, he shouldn't date a bitch if he didn't wanna hear bitchy things

rude. steve replied. I am a bitch though, for example, what the fuck happened to your hair, munson?

eddie pulled into his buildings parking lot, ran a hand over his sheered hair, he shrugged

there was a lot tied into who i thought i was back in school. started to feel more like a prison than a freedom

steve laughed. yeh i get that, he said. you lose the vest too?

oh absolutely not shes upstairs in my appartment, we should probably - eddie signalled to get out of the car

this is weird, right? steve said, finally making their way into eddies appartment (he lived on the sixth floor, the elevator was out of order, neither man was as fit as they were in high school) we've not seen each other in two years and now i'm staying the night, steve continued

well yeah i guess, but you know between demobats and vecna and oh steve harrington is gay now? not the strangest thing thats happened

steve harrington was always gay you just had no gaydar, steve retorted

hard to practice in hawkins, eddie replied, you still live there?

it wasn't eddies fault, he didn't realise it was a loaded question. he didn't know that steve's relatationship with his parents had become strained since his coming out, he didn't know that any time steve went back home he felt the absence of the pride they once felt for him, even if they hadn't chucked him out, even if they had helped him get an office job in the city it was still easier to be away from them.

and eddie didn't know either, that since nancy and robin had gone to college and the kids had started driving themselves around steve had gotten more lonely than ever, back in hawkins, that his life had come to revolve so much around brick because he had had no one else for so long

uh yeah well. steve started to answer, sat down on the sofa. i was meaning to get my own place but i just kept staying at uh - at bricks so..

oh shit, eddie said, don't cry man

yeh. steve said. yeh i'm sorry - can i just use your phone? i should go. i should call him i'm an idiot

steve, just sleep on it, please. he'll be there in the morning.

but eddie couldn't stop him, he had to let him use his phone, had to watch him get picked up by the same boyfriend who had abandoned him earlier that night. but as he left, he stopped, took eddies arm and a biro and said, - this is my pager number, lets catch up okay? under better circumstances

part three

[bita-bita]

....... I had a conversation with my uncle ×_× he told me some.. things... and told me I'm very dependent on my parents and that he worries about me and my future when my parents nor him will be there to look after me.

I already feel bad about it and struggle w very very bad anxiety ×_× and so... it affected me so much that when I got home I burst out crying and asked mom "am I a bad child? Am I a burden to you and dad?"

And.. mom is generally not very affectionate. Almost not at all. But it's at these times that I notice how protective she is of me. She got very angry when she found out I feel that way because uncle had said some things. I had to assure her that uncle didn't mean to offend me and was coming from a place of worry and care.

"How dare they make my daughter feel this way?? How you live is none of their business! I'll call them right now! (It was 1 A.M.) They made ME feel like a burden, and I tried so hard to give my daughter a life that wouldnt be like what I lived. but now they're making my daughter feel that way, too?!" 0_0 that's part of what mom said. I didn't think she'd get so angry. I had to reason with her not to say anything to uncle and granny. It would have been really bad x0 I don't wanna cause drama. I just needed to talk to her about it.

I know I'm (in some ways) dependent on my parents mostly because of my anxiety 🥺 but doesn't everyone struggle with some things? Is my case so horrible that I've made all my family worry about me and talk about it amongst themselves?

Just because my parents support me and give me the freedom to do or not do what I want- is it bad that I want to have an easy life? Doesn't everyone want that? Is it bad that I'm not forced to do things?

I've been blessed with such caring and supportive parents who give me the space to heal at my own pace. Should I feel guilty about it instead of feeling grateful?

And WHY do I start SHAKING everytime I go through an emotional thing?! It's been an hour and I'm still shivering ffs. Sigh. But trying to find something positive in this, I had a bonding moment with mom, which is something I needed.

[f1-disaster-bi]

I just saw your send me asks post and I come bearing two ideas. Just choose which one you like more or none or both whichever rocks your fancy! I've just rediscovered your disabled lando au with Jenson and Seb as parents and it sounds so good! Do you have any more ideas for it? Maybe something where Lando experiences a setback when he's a bit older after he just got through quite a serious case of pneumonia and is still incredibly weak. Or on a happier note, Lando's first race where he can watch it with his dads and being a complete gremlin but so so loved by all the staff and drivers. The second idea is neurodivergent Lando: I don't know whether you would be interested or comfortable writing this but I really like your writing and would love to hear your thoughts. So I think racing would be his passion and when training and in the car he would always feel at peace and the most himself, but there are many aspects connected to f1 that he really struggles with. The constant swarm of people as well as the loud noises constantly. So I think noise-cancelling headphones and someone he knows close by (Jon my beloved) is a must. Also, Lando saying in interviews that he often wears sunglasses, even inside because he finds it too bright or always wearing hoodies because the material and fit feel a lot better to him. There are days where his sensory issues are less and days when they are a lot more prominent and I just love the idea of trainer/big brother Jon being the biggest support through everything and especially someone Lando trust wholeheartedly even when he doesn't feel good and his anxiety is bleeding through.

I absolutely adore the second idea, but it's been so long since I've gotten to think about of explore my foster child Lando/Disabled Lando au that I just can't not think about it now!

I hope these two ideas were what you were referring to ( one and two) what you were think of.

Lando having some complications as he grows older from the car accident when he was two that took his leg. Especially after how the orphange he was at often failed to bring him for check up's, so when Seb and Jenson adopt him when he's five-turning-six, they make sure to keep on top of everything. That's when they find out that Lando has some issues with his lungs because of the crash, and they often find themselves back in the doctor with colds and sore throats so they never turn into something worse

But when Lando is a little older, maybe ten, he starts to realise that people look down on him because of his prostetic leg. He realises other kids make fun of how he walksh and runs, how he gets so sick sometimes, and he just wants to be normal. He wants to be healthy, so when he starts to get a cough after going swimming with his class and someone dunking him under water a few times, Lando tries to hide it.

Seb and Jenson notice something is wrong but they think maybe it's the start of his pre-teen moodiness that he doesn't want to cuddle and watch movies or hang out with them in the evenings. They notice he's a little pale, but Lando brushes them off.

And then Lando collapses on the way out the door to school one day and Sebastian is in bits. Jenson was already gone for the gym, and Seb was doing drop off and he ends up calling Jenson from the hospital in a panic because "we missed it, he was in pain and we missed it". He'd feel so guilty, especially when Lando admits to everything, but first he was to endure his little boy needing surgery because his pnuemonia had collapsed his lung.

Lando wakes up to both his dad's holding his hands, just watching and waiting, and it makes him want to cry because he ws so scared the kids at school were right and that his dad's were tired of his disabilities but then Seb is there playing with his hair, kissing his forehead and whispering to him in German while Jenson kisses his hand and tells him he's safe and okay, and Lando knows his dads love him and feels so stupid for not telling them everything and doubting it

[fierceawakening]

So I think the thing that's not translating wrt the boundary discussion is that like... something being a basic human need does not mean that any one person is required to give people that thing.

people's worst impulses often come from basic human needs. people need attention and care and love and are willing to do horrible, horrible things to get it. this does not make the horrible things somehow okay-- and it also does not mean that you are required to drop everything to meet those needs so that they won't do horrible things.

figuring out how to get those needs met in a healthy, safe, loving way is an individual person's responsibility. if they can't do that? it's a crying shame. but it's also not the job of people around them to put aside their other basic needs (like "physical and mental safety" and "privacy") to take care of them.

because at the end of the day, you are responsible for figuring out how to meet your own needs, and trying to force yourself to meet the needs of everyone around you means you burn out fast and hard. even if you work as a professional caregiver, you need parts of your life where you put yourself first.

you've been conditioned to put your own needs aside for other people's benefit-- which is real common for people with parents like ours- but like, that's the opposite side of the same coin. it's not actually the ethical thing to do here, no matter how much other people might tell you it is.

Thank you, yes.

This is the thing I'm trying to articulate, and the thing I feel like a lot of people on Tumblr don't acknowledge.

Sometimes I feel like people don't acknowledge it because they don't actually know people like you and me exist, which would mean they think they're asking for a small thing when they're actually asking for a big thing. ("Let me be narcissistic" as "Don't judge me for having a delusional belief in my own inherent superiority, as lots of people believe very weird things and you ignore them" vs. "Let me be narcissistic" as "Don't let on that YOU believe I'm not superior because hearing that will hurt me. Dance around it forever to protect me, because I'm in pain." Which is the thing I hear, usually. And I'm like, "I can dance around it a LITTLE bit right this SECOND to be courteous, but long term? Nah, bro, nah. BTDT.")

Sometimes, though, I feel like people don't acknowledge it as a power move. ("If I say that, as a narcissist, I need supply, I can turn a whole social media site into a generator. Especially if I tell them they're ableist if they don't pitch in. Isms mean you're evil. No one wants to be called ist, and they'll do a lot to avoid it.")

And that's what I feel like no one wants to talk about, I think. That sometimes maybe it's just a power move. That if you suspect it might be a power move, it's not actually weird or uncalled for that your reaction isn't just "no," it's seasoned with emotions like anger, or judgment of character, or "first of all how dare you."

Do I know for sure if it's a power move on my mom's part, or if it's legitimate psychic pain? No, I don't, and thinking about that in depth I suspect it's a mix of both.

But here's the thing.

If I think it might be a power move? Then there's not actually something untoward about me being angry. About my reaction not JUST being "I can't do that for you without killing myself, so I regretfully choose not to," but being, you know, "Hey! Fuck you!"

And what I want right now is reassurance that "Hey! Fuck you!" is a way I get to feel.

Which I think everyone is saying! But when people say "Oh, but it might be a legitimate access need," I start to feel guilty or weird for "Hey! Fuck you!"

So what I think I need from people (if they agree with this, but I think they do agree?) is

"Keep screaming 'Fuck you' if that's what you feel like doing. It's okay to leave 'what is the legitimate access need here, if any?' to one side right now. Maybe forever!

"'Fuck you' is the reaction you're SUPPOSED to be having to realizing this isn't just annoying but abusive. You can decide what to forgive later, if anything--for now, the forgive is Jesus's job."

[loafbreadcake]

talking about father again

I don't know why I keep talking about him

After the job trip with his colleagues he seems more depressed and he's talking quieter but he looks like he's constantly on the verge of exploding and/or crying. Because he technically kind of is.

He hasn't been going to work too much for a few days and, today for example, it seems to me like he drank all day too.

I'm not critiquing him I just don't know how to feel about this. He told me over calls how much he hates the trip, that he's too old to go on trips like this and that he wants to go home I'm not sure what happened

I feel so bad saying this I'm so sorry but it extremely annoys me to talk to him. Especially when he's drunk. He doesn't listen (even more so), he doesn't make sense, he can be really loud, really angry, starts going up to me and talking to me about kind of strange subjects

And again I feel bad cus technically the things he says aren't that bad?

Like he just keeps repeating how much he loves and misses me.

But it's so annoying. I literally got back from my running practice at around 7pm, like I often do and have been doing for like a year and he started almost sobbing and kept asking where I've been gone? It's not like he doesn't know we literally walked together before my practice and my coach picked me at 5pm in front of his eyes and I always practice for 1h 30mins-2h

Father also kept repeating and begging for me to never leave him? Then asked why I didn't text or call?? I never do because I physically can't bro I'm literally running

Then I was eating my dinner and just sat new to my parents cus idk I thought I needed to. I even tried to make small conversation. There was some kind of news stories on tv about crazy people hurting others and my father just kept repeating and repeating that I don't ever even think about going anywhere alone in the dark and I answered "I never do but okay I understand" I have no idea what was going on with him he kept getting even angrier like he was arguing with me and just kept pestering me, repeating the same thing and I just repeated to him the same thing as well. This probably doesn't seem too bad but bro it's unbearable to talk to him when he's like this. Again he was like arguing on purpose even though I wasn't even disagreeing with him? Well he was drunk so that's probably why

Then, almost through tears, he said that if something happened to me he would kill himself. Which like wow thanks? I don't want to hear this shit

And AGAIN I feel bad cus he's saying all these things cus he loves me and wants to spend time, wants me to be safe and he's most likely incredibly depressed but the way he says all these things man I can't

All I can do is hug him back, reassure him that I understand what he's saying and when he says "I love you" I can say "Me too" But I feel incredibly painfully guilty because I'm not sure if I really do. I feel ungrateful to my father because he does care deeply about me but I wish he wouldn't. And I don't know what to do about all this.

Anyway, he did lots of other things today too like petting our dog one second and then yelling at her to get out the next

This is so dumb I just have to be grateful to have a caring father at all but yet again I really wish he wouldn't make me his life purpose and center. I don't think people should make other people their lives' purposes in general. That's very unhealthy in my opinion.

But I guess for a depressed man who had a hard lonely life he doesn't really have anything else. I should just shut up and be grateful. I'm sorry I really am. I wish my father would go to some kind of group therapy for men or something. It actually pains me to see or even picture him crying. I'm sorry

I'll be gone for 2 days for the race I mentioned, so maybe things will fix themselves a bit somehow idk

This is my father's favorite song or at least one of them. It's a very good old song by a nice old band