#i bet he can do absolutely killer magic tricks

[floridagirlboy]

Where's Florida? - Apr. 15, 2020

[at the end of the episode]

[yoonsshadow]

BLIZZARD BLUES ⎯ myg

⇰ summary ; There’s a storm coming. Literally. And some idiot is standing outside singing Christmas carols.

⇰ pairing ; yoongi x fem!reader

⇰ genres ; strangers to friends to lovers[?], snowstorm!au, romance, fast burn [?]

⇰ themes ; fluff, a bit of crack

⇰ warnings ; talk of a natural disaster [blizzard], lots of banter, brief talk of male genitalia [balls lol], a bunch of sweetness

⇰ word count ; 1.8k

⇰ note ; Happy holidays everybody!! I hope that you all have a safe and happy day, no matter what you are celebrating. [Also this is largely unedited.] xx

It doesn’t always snow on Christmas Eve. Sometimes, when the sky feels selfish, it will open its clouds and welcome through the sunlight, especially harsh against the previous snowfall that is melting on the ground. What was once a white wonderland, snowflakes clustered together in a fine powder, becomes a muddy expanse of grass, dampened by the flowing tears of the melted icicles.

The magic of Christmas, so often associated with the pure white sheen of snowfall, is gone within hours of a clear sky.

But not today.

Today, the sky is selfish in a very distinctly opposite way.

“Temperatures will be reaching a record-low tonight, and snowfall is expected to only get heavier. With the possibility of a blizzard on the way, citizens are urged to stay indoors tonight.”

“Aish.” Licking droplets of mulled wine from your lips, you sigh at the latest news update. Just yesterday, you had been complaining of the warmth in the air, expecting yet another disappointment out of Christmas Eve. The universe seems to have answered your pessimism with a natural disaster.

Thankfully, you are one of the many lucky ones with a roof over your head tonight. The townhouse is small by standard means, but it feels so big to you. Though it may be cosy, it holds everything that is important to you, every memory that you have collected over your life, every momentum that has ever brought you joy. It is an extension of yourself, of your innermost being, and now it even protects you from the howling wind that you can hear picking up outside.

As you sit in front of your roaring fireplace, wrapped in blankets and listening to the Michael Bublé christmas album play on your scratchy record player, you think that maybe this is serenity; this feeling of calm, of contentment, when chaos surrounds you.

A harsh knock at your front door breaks through the sound of the wind.

At first, you think that maybe it was a trick of the mind, or perhaps a branch hitting a window, but the rapid knock-knock-knock against the wood is far too deliberate to be a mistake. Plus, when it’s followed by several more⎯⎯less patient⎯⎯knocks, you know that someone is here. At your house. At ten o’clock at night, as a blizzard is brewing.

It takes a moment to detangle yourself from your comfortable cocoon of blankets, but you eventually shuffle to the door as quickly as your cold toes [the things just never seem to be warm] will allow. You’re expecting an emergency official telling you to evacuate, or a neighbour asking to borrow supplies.

You don’t expect a shivering, disgruntled man reluctantly singing ‘Oh Christmas Tree’.

“Your boughs so green in summertime...stay bravely green in wintertime...O tannenbaum, O Christmas Tree...How lovely are thy branches…”

“Are you seriously carolling right now?”

The man stops his ‘singing’ to glare at you, as if you’ve just interrupted the most important performance of his life. “Hey, either let me finish the song or let me move on. It’s fucking cold out here.”

“No, but like, why are you singing at all? Didn’t you see the news?” The chill of the wind is biting at you even through all of your layers, so you don’t know how he’s surviving right now.

The man sighs, the air fogging in front of his face. “Look, lady, I lost a bet, okay? I gotta sing these carols, and I’m not backing out just because it feels like my internal organs are shutting down. So, what’ll it be? I can take song requests, if you’re feeling spicy.”

It takes you barely a moment to make your decision. “Option C. Come here.”

And you all but drag him into your house.

“Y’know, this could be considered kidnapping,” the stranger says as he slides out of his soaked jacket and toes off his boots. Despite his words, he doesn’t seem at all reluctant to be within your warm abode. “You could at least take me to dinner before inviting me in.’

His voice sounds harsh, mean even, but for some reason you aren’t intimidated by him. Maybe it’s the way his nose shines pink from the cold.

“Well,” you say, already gathering some towels for him, “it seems as though you haven’t watched the news in the last three hours. There’s a blizzard on the way, buddy, and you looked about halfway to frozen already. I thought that I would save the neighbours the trauma of digging your body out of the snow.”

“How considerate.”

“What’s your name, by the way? Since I’m extending my home and hospitality to you. I’m Y/N.”

“Yoongi. Also, you barely extended anything. More like forced. But, I’m a kind man, so I’ll let you believe that you’re being selfless. It is Christmas, after all.”

“And a merry Christmas to you too, mister Yoongi.”

“Ugh. Don’t call me mister.”

“Whatever. You should go take a shower to warm up, I should have some of my dad’s clothes for you to wear. I also have a shit-tonne of blankets and a big pot of mulled wine, so whenever you’re done just come downstairs and sit by the fire. And don’t steal anything. Or piss on the carpets.”

“Oddly specific, but okay. Thanks, generous kidnapper.”

Yoongi takes nearly an hour before he re-emerges from upstairs, to the point where you wonder if he’s actually pissing in your carpets. He looks clean, though, and flushed with warmth. And absolutely adorable in the ugly, oversized Christmas sweater that you laid out for him.

“This is fucking horrendous.”

A snort escapes you at his blunt statement, watching as he sinks into an armchair opposite you. His hair is sticking out from where he’s hastily dried it. “Thank you. My dad is the reigning champion in his workplace ugly sweater competition. He takes immense pride in inducing nausea. Want some wine?”

“Absolutely.”

When you pass him a mug, the liquid steaming and aromatic, he seems to pause, hesitation in the grip of his fingers. You give him the time he needs to arrange his words.

“I guess, um...thank you. For bringing me inside.” Yoongi isn’t meeting your eyes, but the tips of his ears are turning pink. “I was probably too stubborn to realise how bad it was and...I don’t know, it could’ve ended up really bad. So. Thanks.”

“Hey.” His eyes flicker up, briefly, but enough to see the bashfulness hiding behind all that sarcasm. “It’s seriously fine, but you’ve got to make a habit out of taking care of yourself. I’ve known you for two hours and even I can tell that you don’t take yourself very seriously. Hell, I could’ve been a serial killer, and you still just walked into my house.”

“I could’ve been a serial killer as well, hypocrite.”

“Killer Caroller does have a certain ring to it,” you admit. He’s deflecting, but you accept the divergence easily. “So, mister serial killer-”

“Don’t call me mister.”

“-Why don’t you tell me about yourself? There’s a chance that you’ll be here for a little while, so we may as well become acquainted.”

Taking a lingering sip from his mug, Yoongi keeps his eyes trained on the fire before him. “My name is Yoongi, I’m a Pisces, and I enjoy long walks on the beach.”

“Romantic.”

“I was born in Daegu.”

“Makes sense.”

“I’m a music producer.”

“Impressive.”

Yoongi rolls his eyes, though they hold more mirth than annoyance. “Oh, and what about you, miss charity? Tell me about yourself.���

Biting back a chuckle, you reposition yourself in the armchair to face him better. “Well, my name is Y/N, and I have never been to a beach.”

“That’s sad.”

“I take self-defense classes.”

“Convenient.”

“And I’m a social worker.”

“Very fitting.”

The quick banter between the two of you pulls a smile across your face before you can tamp it down, but it seems like Yoongi is fighting one of his own.

Somehow, you have both converged to your larger couch, huddled together in a wine-drunk, giggly mess.

“No, I seriously would’ve won! But then he totally caught me off guard. I was sabotaged.”

Yoongi’s recounting of the story of how he lost his bet is nothing short of hysterical. “This Jeongguk guy sounds like a menace,” you say, throwing your legs over his lap. “I mean, who swings their balls in a friend’s face just to distract them? That’s just low.”

“Right?!” His voice is so loud, but your little bubble is barely disturbed. “And they were all hairy, too. I swear that I found a pube in my hoodie.”

This sets you off, for some reason, and your chest erupts in light giggles. Yoongi has only told you a few stories about his six male friends, and it has filled you with a kind of joy that you don’t remember ever feeling.

“It’s just...I bet that women aren’t this immature with each other. Am I right?”

You hum. “Sort of, but also not really. A friend of mine once stole my diva cup just because she was mad at me for using her hair brush. I tried to explain that it was an accident, but man was she pissed.”

Yoongi pauses. “What’s a diva cup?”

Blinking at the man that you’re draped across, you bring a hand up to pat his soft cheek. “Oh, honey,” you whisper, offering a small smile.

Slowly but suddenly, his hand comes up to cover yours, keeping it on his face. Your heart skips a beat, but you don’t notice.

“You’re really nice,” he says. His pupils are blown from drinking, and maybe from your faces being so close. Your cheeks are flushed for the same reasons. “And totally not a serial killer.”

“I’m still undecided about you,” you joke, breathing out a laugh. “But I do know that you’re pretty nice, too. And not as bad of a guest as I thought you might be.”

“Is it-” Yoongi cuts himself off, takes a slow breath as he closes his eyes. When he opens them again, he seems determined, if a little nervous. “Is it weird if I say that I enjoy spending time with you? And would, maybe, want to spend more time with you in the future?”

A lazy grin stretches your cheeks as you tuck yourself a little closer to him. It’s peculiar, maybe, that you’ve just met a man that you feel you’ve known your whole life. Curious, perhaps, that conversation with him feels more natural than with most people you know.

But weird?

No, you don’t think so.

“No. Not weird.” You lean forward a bit, shyly; wait for him to maybe do the same. “You do owe me the rest of a Christmas carol, after all.

He does lean forward, just a bit, and just as shy.

[jngles]

Thoughts You Definitely All Asked For on ‘The Mandalorian’ Season 2 Finale!!

These are in chronological order for the show.

One of my biggest fears about them reintroducing Boba Fett was that by removing some of his mystery, they would make him less cool. Thank god that has not been the case. He’s still an aloof and nasty piece of work but with dimensions added.

We all know the Empire is most often a metaphor for America right? At least when it’s not being Nazi Germany? The Imperial pilot talking about destroying an entire planet (of peaceful weaponless civilians no less) to stop terrorism hits a little too close to home of the nuclear bombs the US has dropped and the endless destruction of the Middle East in the “war against terror.” And of course we frame all our wars in similar language like “our troops died to keep our country safe,” which hasn’t really been true since WWII.

I do think it’s worth noting that this is the first time SW has had someone acknowledge the human losses of the Death Star blasts. Usually it’s framed as a loss in construction time, strategical advantage, and power. The Empire proved time and time again that the lives of its soldiers were utterly expendable, which always made me question why people remained loyal outside of fear. Through this pilot’s phrasing, you can see the propaganda Imperial superiors used to twist the truth to their followers, always blaming those deaths on Rebel aggression instead of prideful Imperial neglect (I.e. not abandoning ship when there was still time) or even direct Imperial aggression like Operation Cinder where they fired on thousands of their own (discussed in S2E7.)

You can’t tell me Din wasn’t into it when Cara shot that asshole pilot. That cold faced revenge shot? 100% Mandalorian style, and also very very hot.

I appreciate that it was a pretty equal match between Boba and Koska Reeves. So much of Boba’s advantage comes from his suit, but since she also has one, it’s a battle of wits on how to use it, and they even out. This both maintains his legendary badassery and also that of highly trained Mandalorian warriors, and hopefully avoids asshole chauvinist SW fans on the internet complaining abujt “pandering to feminism” (fuck off @ all of them, especially since Mercedes Vernado who plays Reeves is a WWE champ and could kick all of your asses.)

Din point blank asked how many Death Troopers there are and Dr. Pershing never answered, and that annoys me.

Why is no one suspicious why Dr. Pershing is being so helpful and revealing so much information? He totally did not have to tell them about the Dark Troopers or any of the specifics of locations on the ship. He’s still with the empire post-fall, implying he’s a loyalist, so... wtf on his part (since no tricks come of it), and “be smarter” on the part of everyone else. Unless he’s been captive as a clone engineer all this time. But couldn’t he have made his escape back in Season 1 when Din killed everyone at that lab to get the kid back?

Bo Katan really could’ve just told them how the retrieval of the dark saber needs to work in the flight before the mission instead of being vague about “he belongs to me.”

Boba Fett’s usage of “Princess” and “don’t worry about me” are a good throwback to Han Solo and the culture they both grew up in. You can never quite tell if it’s based in misogyny or resentment for upper classes, but both of them seem to use it as a shield for begrudging respect they hold for a woman they think is brave but following a fool’s errand (the Rebellion and retaking Mandalore).

The Comms Officer (Katy O’Brian) assisting Moff Gideon will forever and always look like Ilana Glazer to me, and then I get swept up imagining what would happen if the Broad City cast accidentally got transported to Star Wars.

The launch tube sequence has some amazing cinematography.

The second I saw Boba was cut off from the pack, I really thought they were going to kill him again and make his return bittersweet. Glad they didn’t.

God this team of Bo Katan, Koska Reeves, Fennec Shand, and Cara Dune is SO BADASS. I’m just obsessed with all these characters and their various motivations to get shit done. I honestly didn’t even think about the fact it’s all women until my re-watch, showing that the writers made it feel natural, the way women deserve to have their representation done. You can bet I am SO EXCITED for my future daughter and the wealth of possibilities she’s going to have of characters to play pretend as, action figures she can relate to, Halloween costumes to wear, etc. It’s so validating that we’ve gone from only Princess Leia as a female main character to all these women + Rey, Jyn Erso, Ahsoka, etc. etc.

Can’t wait for the trap remix of the Dark Trooper activation noises. (And the transition from that to the minimalist flute theme is perfect.)

The spy movie version of the main theme music is sick.

The Dark Trooper droid faces have a lot of similarity to Darth Vader’s mask. That callback is especially apparent when the one is literally lit from the inside with fire. He was already a martyr/legend to the Imperial remnants, Kylo Ren didn’t start the trend of ignoring his redemption.

Cara’s “excuse me” right before shooting up Stormtroopers is hilarious. Literally “can’t talk rn, doing hot girl shit and murdering space Nazis.”

Finally an Imperial ship got some frickin security cameras. Truly- the amount of times people just wander down hallways they’re not supposed to be in with no one being able to find them throughout the course of Star Wars is ridiculous when you think about the degree of surveillance our real life society carries out. I also love that this means The Mandalorian characters have also seen The Mandalorian.

The storytelling does such a service to Pedro Pascal and his already heroic efforts to portray emotion through a helmet. For example: Din easily could’ve killed the one stormtrooper outside Grogu’s cell much more efficiently, but instead, to show his absolute rage, they wrote in Din choking him out with a spear.

Moff Gideon would have been the BIGGEST pain in the ass in philosophy class. “Assume I know everything” my ass. I want to hear about his backstory (he would’ve been “coming of age” at the time of the Clone Wars) mostly just to hear about him getting bullied at school.

Smart move honestly, to try to tempt Din with the Mandalorian throne, given the Mandalorian power struggles of the past. Proud of our boy for keeping his priorities straight.

So has the blood from Grogu been transferred out of the ship and back to the remnant empire already, or do they have to find a new “donor” to help with building Snoke and Palpatine’s clones? Will they continue to go after him with Luke?

Lmao Din being so annoyed by Bo Katan being stringent about the tradition of winning the Dark Saber through combat is HILARIOUS, coming from a man who up until like a day ago hadn’t shown his face to a living being in decades.

The dark troopers can punch in blast doors but NOT Din’s helmet?? That’s a wild testament to beskar. Somehow that’s the comparison that sticks out to me, more even than its resistance to lightsabers.

This show works because of the cynicism of so many characters adding contrast to the moments of heart. Cara Dune is not a “fan” the way Rey was (for the record I love Rey, don’t come at her, it’s just different). Cara doesn’t see an X-Wing and go OMG THE REBELLION I LOVE THEM. She’s been through too much to believe in the magic saviourism of the “good guys,” and is instead thinking strategically when she, the one Rebel present, brushes off the usefulness of “one X-Wing.” The only positive things she seems to feel in battle situations are moments of relief and brief satisfaction in hurting the empire, with a dark knowledge that it will never make up for the hurt they did to her.

How do you keep a cloak hood on while fighting? Both from a technical standpoint (my hats fall off without me even having to move- is he expending force energy just to keep it on and look cool lol?) and also because idk, maybe it’s just me, but peripheral vision is helpful when surrounded by killer robots on a thin bridge above oblivion. I know his first lesson was to “see” through the force, but every resource helps, right?

Now that she has the ship, I wonder if Bo Katan can reprogram any salvageable Dark Troopers to help with retaking Mandalore?

There is nothing like seeing Luke’s fighting style, with its efficient choppiness and twinge of darkness. I always wonder how much is natural and how much is influenced by his first fights with Vader (that Skywalker diva flair). I love how they’ve advanced his technique but also kept him extremely “grey” here- like to straight up COMBUST a Dark Trooper takes some violent energy lol.

How tf is Moff Gideon alive after threatening Grogu’s life twice directly? That’s a wild testament to Din’s regard for Cara.

I love how seeing Luke slice through a bunch of murder droids like butter probably was a huge point in his favor for Din actually letting Grogu go with him. Like he will only send his child to boarding preschool if he knows the teacher will be a certified killing machine.

Oh my god they finally brought in some OG Star Wars theme music for Luke to take his hood off to 😭 It felt weird seeing him fight to different music, so the emotional payoff is huge when his themes come back for the face reveal.

Whoever added the digital young Mark Hamill face NAILED those classic shining Luke eyes and the earnest eyebrow lift.

Whoever shines the glass of Baby Yoda’s lil puppet eyeballs each day deserves a raise. The light caught in those babies is devastating.

Din is shaking as he takes off his helmet. This is the most enormous show of love he could give him, and possibly the last he’ll be able to for a long time. He only just got Grogu back and is desperate for a moment of real connection before letting him go once again.

This is the first time anyone has touched Din’s face since... likely his parents as a child.

Whoever wrote this scene clearly actually has kids. Anyone who’s ever had to leave a young child even just to go out for a bit or to drop them off somewhere knows that heartbreak of seeing them look in your eyes and hold on to your leg, trying to keep you with them. Especially when they can sense your mutual separation anxiety. The one thing that starts to make them feel better is something fun like a new toy or friend who can be their guide in the new environment, and R2’s friendly introduction is exactly that (since digital Luke isn’t being particularly emotive or child friendly... I hope that’s just because he’s reaching into Grogu’s mind while also keeping an eye on the multiple people with guns trained on him, not because he’s going to be totally unfeeling raising this kid.)

I love that Grogu and R2 are immediately buddies in contrast to Episode 5 when R2 was like “fuck this guy” @ Yoda stealing food and hitting him with a walking stick lol. I would imagine Luke must be reminded of that first introduction too and entertained by this display of playfulness in a *positive* light between R2 and mini-Yoda.

I need to know if Luke and Ahsoka have met- it is KILLING ME.

Does this mean Grogu will get killed by Kylo Ren when he fucks up Luke’s academy??? I will reincarnate Ben just to kill him again if that’s the case.

How does Luke not even fully SMILE at Grogu?? An adorable little baby version of his beloved master Yoda, and you’re telling me he doesn’t have the same heart stopping gasp we all did when we first saw him?? Maybe he did when they first connected through the force. He has a bit of bemusement on his face, and also wonder in his eyes, but I want a grin of recognition and welcome, dammit.

I really wish Luke had somehow acknowledged Cara Dune. Everyone else seems to see the tear drop Rebel sign and know it means Alderaan. He could’ve been like yo I have a badass warrior sister from your planet that you should meet. Or just “thank you for your service.” (I know this actually wouldn’t have been cinematically good but my heart wants it.)

Luke didn’t tell Din his name?? Or ask for any details about the kid and his care?? I could literally never let my kid go with someone, regardless of how worthy, and not be like, “Excuse me sir who are you and where tf are you taking my tiny beloved green goblin in case I need to find him? Here is my contact info. He likes to eat frogs and eggs, and he can have macarons as a treat. He’s 50 years old and his favorite toy is still a ball. Bedtime is 8pm and he’s allergic to dairy.”

Another reason I wish Luke had identified himself would be to see the mishmash of reactions that would ensue. Cara would be like DAMN IT’S THAT GUY WHO BLEW UP THE DEATH STAR AND KILLED THE EMPEROR, ACT COOL (and she would indeed act cool). Fennec would be like ugh it’s that guy who helped kill my best paying client Jabba the Hutt and then fucked over my boss Boba, I helped save the kid for THIS? And I would LOVE to know how Bo Katan feels about him, assuming she’s heard of him, and especially if she knows he’s Anakin Skywalker’s son. That confusion is probably the reason WHY the writers didn’t have him reveal himself- they didn’t want to break the emotion of the scene.

Let‘s all be real I’m just being needy about wanting things from Luke because of what he meant to me as a kid and my resulting innate need to have more canon of him, whatever it is, whenever I can get it. Especially in this form that’s so similar to ROTJ, a movie I watched on endless repeat. Even getting this was incredible though. Who else could we trust this lil heart-stealing green bean with so fully? Yet who would be so arrogant as to try to train a baby yodling (see: Ahsoka’s wise refusal)?

R2 is reckless as hell lmao. Not that we don’t already know that, but for him to just head on in, effectively abandoning Luke’s ship (how can they know if there are more troopers or not who might blow it up?) and also putting himself in the path of the ridiculously deadly Dark Troopers is NUTS. I’m usually on his side but he absolutely deserves a scolding by C3PO for this one.

I wonder if Grogu has any memories of R2 or vice versa since they did occupy the Jedi Temple at the same time. Can Grogu understand droids? They could swap stories about mutual acquaintances.

Does Din pretty much have to go with Bo Katan now since a) he’s shown his face and may not be able to go back to the Watch, and b) because he has the darksaber and has to figure out how to get it back to her without dying?

How in the hell did Bib Fortuna (whose chins age was not kind to) go from being butler to being boss? Were all the henchmen just like, “Fuck yeah, no Hutt parents no rules, let’s do what we want!!” And then they’ve spent the last ten years living off of whatever money they could salvage from Jabba’s non-banked wealth? Why has no one challenged them for that prime real estate and loot? I would love to hear that story.

Fennec Shand says “respect sex workers” so you better fuckin’ do it.

Idk dude Bib Fortuna really was a good butler, and he seemed pretty willing to comply with whoever’s in power. Did he screw Boba over in his attempt to return from the dead and earn that killing shot somehow? Or was this to make sure there was no one left who would have a claim to loyalty? Or maybe Boba just really wanted to sit in that chair.

Does “The Book of Boba Fett” mean we’re not on Din Djarin’s story anymore? Or is it a new show? I would much prefer the latter. I want to see Din help retake Mandalore or at least get a hug.

[zargsnake]

Knightkiller: Anakin and Obi-Wan’s First Adventure

Chapter 6: Tila Juna

Word Count: 1659 Links: Chapter 1, Table of Contents

  *   *   *

As he is meditating, several guards burst through the curtain into Obi-Wan's room.

“Alright, Jedi, what did you do?” asks a Rodian.

“Do?”

“Where is your boy?” asks an Ithorian in his steady, peculiar language, which the cosmopolitan scholar of course understands perfectly.

“Oh, dear. I thought he was with you!”

The Rodian smacks his insolent guts with her staff. “He's run off! What did you tell him? What did you give him?”

“Nothing. I know nothing about this station. And I haven't left this room.”

The Rodian whacks him on the head. “Sneaky Jedi rat.”

The Ithorian wearily halts his coworker’s attack. “Juna’s girl will work just as well for your death matches. Your boy was only ever extra bait. Now he has proven himself to be only trouble.” His gaze is imperious and bland. “When we find him, we shoot on sight. Then we’ll slice off his head before you can pull any of your magic tricks, and divide the spoils between the upper officers.”

“You underestimate him. He cannot be found if he doesn't want to be.”

“We shall see,” the third guard, a Zabrak, threatens.

Obi-Wan feels no fear at her appearance. She looks far more like his Zabrak friend Master Koth than the Sith. No one looks like the Sith.

But, for Anakin, he feels great fear. What did Anakin do? Where did he go? What is he thinking? Anakin amazed Obi-Wan with his knowledge of these low-lives. But on his own, in a place like this? With all the street smarts in the world, he won’t last an hour.

I have lost the Chosen One. Qui-Gon would kill me.

Nevertheless, the bold knight tuts and laughs. “You would love to hear our master plan, wouldn't you? Ah. I pity you all for what's about to happen to you and your little tournament.”

The Rodian hits him again.

“Alright, then,” says Obi-Wan, grimacing. “If you want answers, you'd better bring in your boss. I'll only talk to Knightkiller.”

“Not likely,” the Ithorian responds. “You'll only fight Knightkiller once you’ve defeated all the others. So many of our athletes are paying through their noses for the chance to kill you.”

“In that case, please do drop a line if my Padawan turns up.”

The guards leave, irritated.

A minute later, they return, now practically hysterical.

“Alright!” yells the Rodian. “Something IS up! Where's the girl, Jedi?!”

“What girl?”

“Juna's Padawan!”

“Goodness gracious. Can't you keep a better eye on us?”

The Rodian moves to hit him again, but stops since he doesn't seem affected. “We know you're behind this.”

“It's almost like the most highly-trained warriors in the galaxy can just slip through your nasty little fingers.”

She hits him again.

“The teachers will pay for their students' disobedience,” says the Zabrak, who pulls the other two guards out of the room and slams the door.

The warriors beside Obi-Wan have gone quiet, intimidated by his taunting, in awe of his unknown abilities and those of the other three Jedi. Obi-Wan wonders how long that awe will last, if he can't escape as the clearly more competent children did.

Suddenly, the door to the arena opens up. He hears the crowd chanting his name. When he steps out, his arm shielding the brightness from his eyes, they all cheer for him. He feels disgusted to be a source of admiration for people like this, for doing the worst thing in the world. The sand underfoot is congealed with spots of blood. An attendant hands him a clean sword.

As the announcer speaks, and Obi-Wan's eyes adjust to the light, he sees that his opponent is that boyfriend-killer Tiango. The Mandalorian flexes and poses for the audience, but they are not swayed in their support for Obi-Wan.

In the same chair on which they had bound Anakin, now they have bound Master Juna. Where Anakin was terrified, Juna is peaceful, even content. She is a tall, large, fuzzy alien, a Lollian. Centuries ago, so he’d been told, her fur was bright orange with brown stripes, but he has only ever known her to be gray and silver. One of the two horns curling around her head is broken, but that was not from this death game; it has been like that as long as Obi-Wan can remember. The woman seems entirely unfazed and unharmed by the experience. He knows this cannot be remotely true, and yet she hides her pain so well -- or else, the Force is so strong with her that she sits on a plane of existence above it all, unbothered. She nods at him and he feels as one blessed.  

Obi-Wan instinctively reaches out for his own master. The years of physical peril and spiritual confusion in the life of a Padawan trained Obi-Wan to reach out to Qui-Gon as an immediate reaction, utterly replacing his natural fight-or-flight instinct, the ways of the Jedi overcoming evolution itself.

But of course he cannot reach him. Grief strikes him harder than any of these crooks could, harder than even any Sith could.

He's got to replace that instinct himself, this time; he's got to do it himself. There's someone else he has to reach for now, someone who feels entirely different, strange, and small, still smarting from a bad first impression. And -- more than that -- he, Obi-Wan, has got to be ready for Anakin whenever Anakin needs him, for whatever, just as his master was for him. The weight of this responsibility could crush the young man.

Anakin is here in the audience. Obi-Wan can sense his presence.  

Obi-Wan glances over the crowd -- Tiango seems to be posturing still -- but he can’t locate his Padawan. Anakin seems panicked, urgent. He has seen Tiango kill before, kill someone he cared for. He must be worried Tiango will be too much for Obi-Wan to handle. But Obi-Wan took down several Yoroo Soldiers less than one year ago. Sure, they're not an easy fight, but he knows their tricks; he knows their evil cybernetic enhancements.

Chahlee sends a laser, suddenly, at Obi-Wan, from his blaster-arm. Obi-Wan deflects it deftly, causing the audience to gasp, but the impact bends his vibroblade. Obi-Wan stares at it. He forgot they did that.

   *   *   *

Freed, with the help of Fenn Gallowk and his acid-blaster, on the upper floor of the space station, Anakin knows he needs to hide his Jedi robe and Padawan hair. These people might even know his face. He got lucky with Fenn -- the next person who recognizes him from the Boonta Eve race probably won't give Anakin a chance to talk it out.

Anakin wonders if anyone here bet ON him. He doubts it. But it's a big galaxy, and maybe someone out there took a chance on him.

He remembers Qui-Gon's confident face, and how the man had picked him up to put him into the podracer, and then picked him out of it in the end and carried him on his shoulders. If Anakin is honest with himself, he knows Qui-Gon was, really, the only person who believed in him. His mom, Padme, and Jar Jar had supported him, and hoped beyond hope he would make it out alive. But Qui-Gon was the only one, probably in the whole universe, who believed -- foresaw, even -- that Anakin would win.

No, that's not true. Anakin had believed that too. How could he fail, when they all needed him so badly? When there was absolutely no other way, no choice?

Anakin hurries down the prison hall. The cells are closed on all sides; it is impossible to see who is being kept in them. He hides behind the flap of a garbage chute as a security droid passes; he sits with his back and legs pressed against opposite sides of the chute, careful not to fall down into who-knows-where. It smells awful. He jumps back into the hallway and finds the door to the public area ajar. He pushes his way out and tries to blend in with the crowd, keeping his head down and arms crossed around his blaster and the front of his robe.

Recharging: 3%.

Of all the blasters he could have stolen...

Just around the corner, he sees a big green alien at a desk and, behind them, a coat-check. Anakin ducks under the desk and sneaks into the room full of these criminals’ coats and cloaks. It smells even worse than the garbage chute.

He holds his nose and searches for something bulky, obscuring, and somewhat in his size. He finds a fur cloak, the pelt of a pink monster with its horned face still attached. He puts it on and ties the lower part around his waist so it doesn't drag on the floor. With the hood up, he can hide his own face inside the monster's mouth. He hides the blaster in the copious folds of fur.

Maneuverable? No. Inconspicuous? No. Unrecognizable, and able to hide his weapon? Yes.

Exciting? Yes!

Now he's got to get to Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan will know what to do. Even if he doesn't, it's Anakin's duty to be at Obi-Wan's side.

The loudspeakers announce the fight between Obi-Wan and Chahlee Tiango. Anakin feels afraid, and tells himself Jedi do not feel afraid, but it doesn’t help.

He sneaks back out from under the desk and finds two large furry aliens on the way into the arena, arguing with each other and paying no attention to anyone. He sticks close to them and pretends they are his parents. Once the hairy family has entered the arena through this upper-floor entrance, Anakin separates from them and waddles through the balcony seats, trying to get as close to the arena as he can. He sees Obi-Wan and the Mando have already begun to fight. He takes a seat on the floor at the very front of the balcony and holds onto the bars with his shivering hands.

“Come on, Master.���

Chapter 7: Jane

[queensdivas]

Hidden Blade Chapter 1

Y’all I’ve been to excited for this because I loved this movie with a passion. (Nothing beats Bohrap btw but damn 6 Underground was awesome not just because of Ben. Though he really made the movie even better.) If you’d like to be tagged in future chapters please hmu! 

Please enjoy and I’ll see you guys in the next chapter or one of my updates. I’m on a train ride to London from Edinburgh so it’s about five hours. I plan on getting a crap done this ride so you might be seeing multiple updates! 

Enjoy! 

Next Chapter

Masterlist

Governments should always be in fear of who they govern over..those who are being governed should never be living in fear of who they are ruled over. Yet we live in a world where those in power abuse it badly so they can live the lavish life of the vices, greed, lust, and even the gluttony of having everything at their feet. Those who suffer under those sadly are living in a society in fear, hate, and uncertainty of whether they’ll be okay by the end of the day. 

That’s where I come in. 

You have to start somewhere small in order to cause a chain reaction. That lovely snowball effect. I start small by cutting off the suppliers resources, such as their plants, dirty shacks, and even the old warehouses. Once the resources are extinguished, I then move up to those in high up positions in order to really cause the rolling to begin. 

Yet I was given an opportunity to do a little more good with a lot less strings attached. Who doesn’t love a little more freedom. But what I was offered was complete freedom and who wouldn’t want complete freedom. 

You ever played the Assassins Creed games? I like to consider myself a walking version of that except no magical abilities, no special creed, or even a long line of ancestors that are meant to look similar and only the first three or four games nailed the similarities. Not the point. For those of you who’ve never heard of those games, imagine someone who's able to scale an entire flat building, stand on top of a metal cross, and even have some really cool equipment to help get the job done. We’ll be getting to those a little later. 

My name is eight. The Assassin. 

What’s the difference between a Hitman and Assassin you ask? One gets paid to do any form of killing for money, the other one does it for either political or religious reasons in this world of ours. But you both kill people? True. Never declared myself a saint anyhow in this world so shush! Story time! 

I pulled up to one of the abandoned planes to turn off my 4runner and climb out. Love the whole abandoned airfield look for the hideout. Really gives that fast and furious sort of vibe. How many movies are in the series anyhow? 

A ram truck came pulling up next to my 4runner as I began grabbing all my junk to hopefully store somewhere that was a little more secure than my new apartment here in California. Keeping a bunch of ropes, weapons, and my vast amount of foreign fruit would get me busted and I certainly love my Nectarine! 

“Glad to know I wasn’t the only one brought into this little adventure.” He appeared in front of me as I swung my duffle bag right on my shoulder. I closed the door as I turned to see him all dressed in american/military gear. An American soldier? Real power move.  

“Glad to see we got ourselves a soldier. Eight.” I held my hand out to him as he shook it. 

“Seven. At Least according to that dude.” He pointed as one came out of a tiny airplane and smiled. 

“Weird to see you not looking like a GAP model.” He showed up at my apartment in Israel looking like he walked out of Sunday church for some god knows reason. At first I thought he was apart of Jehovah's witness but as you can see we’re about to kill some mother fuckers.

“Ah really funny. Come meet the rest of us oh so lovely fellow campers.” We walked into the base as a women with blonde hair was reading a map while another woman was reading what looked like some sort of medical book. 

“Ladies this is seven and eight our newest batch of newbies. The one reading the map is two and in the cap is five. Not sure where the other two are but I imagine they’ll be showing up sometime soon.” I gave them a small wave as I put my bag on the ground next to the large table. 

“Look who finally showed up. Four this is seven and eight our eyes from the sky.” He tossed his hoodie down on the table as he gave us a small smile. The last member came into the room which is what I’m assuming was three. 

“There’s this trick that we all do to get through our day. We take a box and into that box, we place all the horrors of the world, all the wrongs humans do to one another. And then we close the box and pretend it doesn’t exist. Only some of us spend too much time inside the box. We’ve lost our ability to pretend. We know there’s too much unfinished business in this messed up world. Our job as ghosts is to do the dirty work the living can’t or won’t. And we do it from here. This is our haunted house. It’s a lot like the Batcave, except it’s nothing like the Batcave. Seven, eight. You’re dead. You’re gonna be restricted to cities that you’ve never visited before. People that you’ve never met. All of course your fellow ghost, none of whom you’ll know by name, only number, for safety, and so no one gets too close.” I mean. All we need is a butler, some random child to say “geez guys” and I think we would be set. 

“So basically what we’re doing is a sense of a justice league but with no moral codes?” Asking as One nodded. 

“Yes. Except Wonder Women uses guns and Batman is okay with killing people.” I..okay that works. 

“Each one of us has our own little gifts we bring to the table and now that we’ve required you two, we now officially have a set team.” 

“We’re like the A-Team but on steroids except Mr. T is this guy.” The Spainard commented as everyone just stared him down. 

“In your vast dreams.” One commented.

“Will we be required to wear matching rings?” Asking which made I believe his name is four chuckle a little. 

“Funny. Alright c’mon I wanna show you two something.” We all followed him into another room where a wall covered with nine pieces of paper with a single roman numerals on each one. 

“This is our target hitboard. These nine fuckers have been placing too much shit inside the box. So now they answer to us. Target number one: this prick. The Dictator of Turgistan Roach Alimov.” I walked over to his photo and began studying the guy. Radiates small dick energy already from all the work I’ve done over there, kind of like Kim Jong-Un except he doesn’t flaunt his money. 

“God I’m really craving french fries. Can we finish this over at Luckies?” I believe he’s three asked the group as I began walking past the other eight pieces of paper as I lightly saw their faces. Efrain Gracian. He runs the largest drug cartel in Mexico and has been killing a shit ton of innocent people in their villages. Oh my god they put Kim Jon-Un on their target list hell yeah. 

“So we plan on just killing all these pricks because they keep shitting on their countries and the rest of the world?” Leaning against the wall facing them as one nodded. 

“I say we finish this thing at Luckies. I’m really feeling a shitty beer to set the mood of introductions.” One began walking out of the fort as everyone else followed except for me as I looked at the wall again. Figured there would be less on the board in all honesty. 

~~~

I slipped into the booth with myself facing the middle of the window and the inside of the restaurant, seven sitting to my left while four was on my right. To think that I’m now officially dead and I cut all my ties off when I left home so no funeral. Bet they thought I was already dead anyhow so this works nicely. 

“So what do you bring to the table?” I was asked as I tossed my car keys on the table. 

“The soundless steps of a killer is what I bring to the table. You guys make a shit ton of noise if I think I know who you are. I’m assuming you guys we’re the one destroying Florence?” His eyes widened a little which makes my assumption correct cause these fuckers really had fun in Florence. 

“Florence was an absolute disaster.” He stopped talking as the waiter came to the group. 

“A round of Heineken for everyone. Then whatever else they want.” I ordered as everyone smiled a little as they began ordering their preferred drinks. 

“Figured you’d be a good match since you graciously just bought us all drinks. So if you’re a soundless killer, who have you eliminated?” You can thank the new democracy in South Sudan, and ending an entire sex trafficking operation in Chad. Both we’re super difficult to achieve but damn I did an awesome job. Both were run by major cunts obviously and took months of planning to even get close to them. 

“Who do you think got rid of the cunt from South Sudan?” Seven looked over at me then leaned across the table. 

“You killed Zafir Bahri?” Seven asked as I nodded. 

“Yup. Yet it was one of my most difficult assassinations since I had to make a break for it in the countryside. Kind of stuck out like a sore thumb till I made it to a reservation station.” The waitress came with the first round of beers. Four took a big gulp of his beer then sighed. 

“Alright if we’re going to show off what our past selves have done. I got the chance to steal a 5.0 carat ruby necklace that had two smaller diamonds that were about 4.2 carats that was about 100,000 dollars worth.” Yet he’s sitting here in an American restaurant drinking some shitty beer and eating high heart attack food? Sounds about right. 

“And here you are in America drinking Heineken and about to eat a very greasy double cheeseburger. Cheers” I grabbed my bottle as he did for us to clink our bottles together. Four seems super chill actually and now I’m kind of curious how he pulled off that heist. 

“So. What’s the absolute best thing about being dead? I mean you don’t have to pay taxes anymore.” Seven asked the entire group as they all had an inner conversation with themselves about the best part of being deceased. 

“No more dmv lines, no more shopping for Christmas.” Christmas has always been stressful for my old life and I didn’t even celebrate it!

“Or backstabbing girlfriends.” Raising my eyebrow at four. Damn someone broke his little heart. I’d play the worlds saddest song on the tiniest violin but not sure if he would get the reference. 

“They should make an “Out of office” reply for dead people. Sorry I’m away from the planet right now. I’m fucking dead.” That’s a bit much but if it makes her feel better about being dead then let her do her own thing. 

“No more tax, no more criminal records, no more getting arrested by the pigs just for being naked and or just the usual stuff. You know, being naked, getting drunk. Casual stuff.” How is being naked casual? Since when is being naked considered casual in any standard? 

“Umm. How is being naked any form of being casual?” He took a drink of his beer as he licked his lips.

“Ya know. Just walking around naked on your balcony or even on your front porch. It’s a casual thing.” I..I still don’t see that as a casual thing. Around the house yes because oversized t-shirt and underwear is always a comfy.

“Is that like when Jersey people say it’s a jersey thing?” Before he could answer One chuckled a little. 

“Guys. You’re all wrong. The best thing about being dead is the freedom. I mean, we’re all gonna die. May as well do it while we’re alive, right? When you’re young, you lock yourself into all of these bad decisions. Marriages, mortgages, and all that kind of stuff. But you die. It’s all escaped. Poof! Gone! From that point forward, all that matters is what you choose. The point is that we should bring seven and eight behind the curtain. You wanna hand me those over there?” Three handed him a bunch of plastic cups as leaned a little more forward on the table. I looked out of the corner of my eye to see him quickly glancing away back at the demonstration. Guess he’s kind of cute, not exactly sure how getting involved with people on the team is viewed. Rather avoid the whole situation. 

“Alright here. A little deminsation, no technology. So this is how to stage a coup in three not so easy steps. Alright you got a country, Turgistan right? These are the people, nice people, going about, doing their thing. Then you got the four generals, cuatro cunts, very bad guys. But there’s one worse guy. That’s the piece of shit dictator, right there at the top.” Sounds about right. That was basically the entire set up in South Sudan. 

“Don’t forget his brother.” Brother? Oh yeah, the guy has a brother that basically has been isolated or off the face of the earth at this point. Gotta love it when Governments hide those wanting a better world, or hiding sick pedophiles when they fake suicides so they don’t go to prison or end up being executed. 

“Democracy loving brother.” So we’ve got a shitty dictator and a loving democratic. Of freakin’ course!

“He’s the key. So we’re gonna hit the four generals. They’re gonna lead us to the brother.” 

“You kill top Generals, you fuck the dictators day.” Three shoved a few French fries in his mouth. 

“Can confirm.” I took a big gulp of my beer as I leaned back against the booth.

“Second thing we're gonna do is free the brother. And the last thing we’re gonna do is we’re gonna say goodbye to piece of shit dictator and hello to democracy loving brother.”

“It all goes down in four months, El Dia de los Muertos, The Day of the Dead.” Kinky.

“Oh that’s it?” Seven and I looked at each other for the both of us to nod in approval of the plan. 

“Um well that’s pretty simple ya know. The cups.” I took a drink of my beer as I began mentally seeing the whole plan in my head. 

“Wonderful presentation.” We’re gonna die aren’t we?

“So we’re all gonna die?” At this point I say that’s a hard yes. 

“Not me.” What confidence she has because there’s something about her that just kind of scares the shit out of me. Must be something federal in her former life.

“She’s not, we all are. Painfully.” Peachy. Real fucking peachy. But hey I’m already technically dead so this works out perfectly in the end. Just when my body shows up at someones house or is found floating on the coast, going to be quite a headache trying to figure out since I’m already dead. 

Maybe I should be more optimistic with this new life. Could be worse. I could be stuck in a work camp in Siberia. Maybe we just see where this goes and if it doesn’t end well I just disappear into the unknown. Sounds like an absolute plan! 

Taglist:

@bonafiderocketqueen @filmslutt @imjustboredso @intoanothermind @4lendow-norris @wickedholland 

@takemetoneverland420 @art-flirt @intoanothermind @raylan-c

[kae-karo]

Shigaraki x Natsou?

slkfjlksdjf yes - send me a bnha character or ship and i’ll give u my thots (x)!

the crack ship of the century since they’ve never met lmao this is like dabihawks bass boosted 

here’s the thing right??????? so natsu is. gentle boye. good soul. cannot stand to see people suffer. i feel like, in the right environment, he could really help shiggy like. heal? not to steal this from kiribaku but i feel like natsu would be the chicken soup for shiggy’s soul

i’m just. imagining how they could possibly meet. like. does dabi bring his buddy home one day? just to fuck with endeavor? like hey dad sup this is my friend uhhhhhhhh shmigaraki. no not shigaraki. shmigaraki. anyway he’s gonna hang out here for a while cause the cops are- uh, i mean, cause he’s………….bored idk whatever 

and u know shiggy is a touch-starved babie who is also like. extremely horrified at being touched bc he’s never been able to shake that fear of what if he accidentally dissolves someone he doesn’t want to. and oh, sure, everyone in the damn todoroki family has to be prettie they couldn’t all be gremlins like dabi

anyway natsu’s like 1. obviously it’s shigaraki but also 2. if touya trusts him and brought him here he can’t be that bad right? (like first of all you trusted touya dabi is a literal serial killer okay natsu i’m sorry but have a little common sense)

i feel like their relationship would start as like. the abandoned/abused cat who was adopted into a loving home sort of thing? like shiggy is not about to trust Anyone but he’s sort of forced to hang around inside all the time and natsu’s home all the time studying u kno so they end up like. in the same room all the time. and proximity breeds comfort. besides, what else is shiggy gonna do with all his time besides lounge around watching natsu study? so what if he’s nice to look at

u bet shiggy never comes to sit at the dinner table (in part bc endeavor just glares at him the whole time and threatens to turn him in, to which dabi’s like ‘lmao no u won’t or i’ll tell everyone what u did to me’ and that shuts him up) but fuyumi’s like. hey should we like,,,,,,bring shiggy some food or smth? and dabi’s like eh he’s a gremlin he can figure out where to get his own food. but natsus like,,,,,we should bring him some food. this has absolutely nothing to do with spiting his father

anyway so back to the point here which is that natsu starts like. being intentionally kind to shiggy, who basically reacts like a frightened cat by lashing out and being snarky and natsus like,,,,,,,,he is a goblin. but like. kinda a cute goblin

so cue like the casual establishing of trust here, including the fact that natsu definitely notices shiggy’s awkward accommodations for his quirk and one day he’s like ‘okay look i noticed u were like. idk i guess ur quirk is kinda a pain in the ass so here’ and he gives him these 2-fingered gloves @ shiggy what is wrong with u how have u not discovered this life-saving device yet and like. u know shiggy goes around like awkwardly touching a bunch of stuff in the house trying to see if it’ll somehow magically fuck up and he dissolves either the thing or the glove

(he pretends to be irritated that he can’t dissolve things at will without taking the glove off but he’s actually kinda really grateful and just doesn’t know how to express it)

shiggy starts taking advantage of this whole ‘being able to touch stuff freely’ thing and just. y’know. casually sets his hand on natsu’s shoulder when he’s trying to read whatever natsu’s writing

natsu would definitely try to get shiggy to open up like change my mind he just wants to help also he took a psych class that one time and he absolutely thinks he can get shiggy to fall for all the classic tricks to get him to talk abt himself and like,,,,,,,yep yeah shiggy absolutely does cause y’know this is the first time someone’s ever asked about him who he thinks might actually. just want to know him better???? instead of trying to purposely manipulate him for their own gains? or to like force him to be a better person or a worse person or w.e??

anyway this is becoming like fic-length hcs lmao i’m sorry i really should stop now lmao

[thisyearingaming]

2011 - This Year in Gaming

Ghost Trick: Phantom Detective - Nintendo DS, January 11th

A quirky adventure game where you are fucking dead, and you gotta work out who killed you. Ghost Trick is like Ace Attorney at first glance - it looks similar, and is made by effectively the same development team. Give it a shot on iOS.

Dead Space 2 - Multiplatform, January 25th 

Dead Space 2 was the undisputed king of alien horror until Alien: Isolation released. Yeah, you battle massive acid-spitting aliens, but it’s the necromorph babies you’re gonna be shit-scared of. It isn’t quite as unique as it’s predecessor, but it’s definitely much better to play. Bring your brown pants.

The Nintendo 3DS Releases - March 27th

The 3DS was like magic when you first fired the 3D slider all the way up - then it became a gimmick you never used again. Releasing with a few decent launch titles and being able to boast Street Fighter IV as playable, the 3DS arguably didn’t really pick up much steam until a few months after launch. While more powerful than the original DS which was six years old at the time, I can’t remember being particularly interested in it at the time.

Portal 2 - Multiplatform, April 19th 

Valve’s final single player experience until their jump into VR was a bloody good one - very funny and amusingly written with the best Steve Merchant performance since The Ricky Gervais Show, Portal 2′s puzzle solving adventure is rarely a chore to play through, and has thousands of custom maps courtesy of the Steam community.

L.A. Noire - Multiplatform, May 17th

Rockstar’s foray into adventure games has stood the test of time as an enjoyable and often startling journey nto the seedy underbelly of 1947 Los Angeles - as Cole Phelps you’ll threaten a Jewish man with the gas chamber, arrest a paedophile instead of a clearly guilty father, quote Hamlet to a prop skull at the scene of a car crash, destroy thousands of dollars of property, and yell at a child whose mother’s just been murdered. Great fun!

The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings - Windows 

CDPR hit it out of the park with a fantastically improved sequel to 2007′s Eurojank diamond in the rough The Witcher, and really introduce Geralt of Rivia to more people for the first time with this game. A branching story that sees Geralt hunting Letho, the killer of King Foltest, and allying either with smelly hippy elven leader Iorveth and his terrorists who don’t appear in the sequel or the very cool but quite racist Vernon Roche and his special forces group, who are supporting characters in the sequel.

Alice: Madness Returns - Multiplatform, June 14th

A surprisingly charming, unsettling dive into the fractured psyche of the Victorian equivalent of an actual goth gf, Alice is a sequel to American McGee’s Alice from 2000. Surreal as fuck and absolutely drowning in atmosphere. Just don’t look at any of the YouTube comments on videos of the soundtrack. Rather bizarre show...

Duke Nukem Forever - Multiplatform, June 14th

Sometimes it’s best NOT to bet on the Duke. I bought this game to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and I did neither - DNF is fucking boring, and I blame it ALL on Randy Pitchford’s devotion to ruining things I like. DNF could’ve been brilliant - either embrace your heritage like Doom Eternal would eventually do, or make it into a “last hurrah” kind of thing where Duke realises he’s getting old and can’t kick ass forever. The greatest disappointment of the 2010s so far - but worse would follow with it. The King is dead - hail to the King, baby.

Deus Ex: Human Revolution - Multiplatform, August 23rd

The piss-tinted prequel to 2000′s excellent conspiracy RPG Deus Ex, Human Revolution is like smashing Robo-Cop into a world where Detroit is not a humanitarian disaster zone. Adam Jensen, the gravelly-voiced biomechanically enhanced security chief of David Sarif, is dragged into a world of American conspiracies involving FEMA death camps, the government enforcing martial law in US cities and massive Chinese conglomerates plotting to control the world. Just like real life! DXHR is my favourite in the series for its design, atmosphere and narrative.

Dead Island - Multiplatform, September 6th

Eh. Wasn’t that good. Notable for having the most misleading fucking trailer since Metal Gear Solid 2, but nowhere near as fulfilling upon release. An open world zombie survival game with a focus on melee weapons more fragile than your granny’s second hip. Oh great, now there’s a dead kid on my page. Thanks, Techland!

Driver: San Francisco - Multiplatform, September 6th

A game you literally can’t buy anymore, DSF was incredible to play when it came out and has only really gotten better with time. It’s still so unique for a driving game that I’m surprised Ubisoft have had the good sense to just leave it and not go pants-on-head retarded with the franchise since. Nick Robinson had to buy Subway gift cards just to purchase this game. 

Batman: Arkham City - Multiplatform, October 18th

Arkham City was so cool at launch and it still is today. A proper Batman epic with twists, turns, and the most addictive combat arena for years. This whole thing is gold from start to finish, except for the Harley Quinn DLC. I can’t even go into detail about it here, but I fucking LOVE this game.

Sonic Generations - Multiplatform, November 1st

Sonic Generations is the best Sonic game since 3 & Knuckles, but has now unfortunately convinced Sega that not only do people despise the Adventure games, they also really want to see Classic Sonic and Green Hill EVERY GODDAMN DAY. Generations is like a proper celebration of Sonic’s history, even including stuff from every reviewer’s favourite punching bag Sonic 2006 - I really like Generations and it has a stellar modding scene on PC.

Uncharted 3: Drake’s Deception - Sony PlayStation 3, November 1st

The “finale” of the Uncharted series until Naughty Dog decided it wasn’t. Uncharted 3 may not be as tight as Among Thieves, but it’s just as enjoyable. As quipping invincible action hero Nathan Drake, you’ll ruin historical artifacts and “incapacitate” about 4000 guys in your quest to find Iram of the Pillars, chased by Cruella de Ville and her mercenary squad of a million faceless Englishmen. 

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 - Multiplatform, November 8th

God I was so excited for this. World War 3 never looked cooler, and then it came out - and it wasn’t that good. It didn’t feel as epic as MW2, not as well-written as MW, and not as interesting as World at War and Black Ops. Multiplayer was... fine? I think this is the point where most people realised that Call of Duty was basically downhill from here.

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim - Multiplatform, November 11th

See this paragraph? You can read it. Another installment in Bethesda’s cross-franchise “Little Lies” series, Skyrim has been released more times than China’s created a pandemic. But it’s still really good and when you rub it the right way it comes all over your screen like a particularly excited storyteller, ready to point in the direction of adventure.

Super Mario 3D Land - Nintendo 3DS, November 13th

Yeah this was the point I decided I wanted a 3DS. It looked incredible and so fluid, and it really was! Playing this was great fun. That’s really all there is - I can’t be funny about it, nor overly critical. What do you want from me?

Assassin’s Creed: Revelations - Multiplatform, November 15th 

I didn’t like this when it came out - I thought the new graphic style was bad, Constantinople was dull, and the music was too different. Ezio was angrier, older, and the complete lack of any supporting cast from Brotherhood had me thinking this was a game that nobody wanted to work on - but now that I’m older, I can see this for how good it really was. Revelations blends the Ezio and Altair stories together, culminating in a satisfying emotional climax. 

Saints Row: The Third - Multiplatform, November 15

This video speaks for itself.

Minecraft - Windows, November 18th

There’s something beautiful about those early builds of Minecraft. Quiet, unassuming, and riddled with potential for exploration. I could talk for hours about the first time I was thrown into Mojang’s survival experience, about how I still get a bit weepy hearing Wet Hands by C418, about how shit-scared I still am of the mines and caves. Minecraft is immortal, and always will be. 

[mikami]

Death Note Audio Drama 03

Disc 3: Beloved Enemy - a summary / partial translation

Prior translations / an explanation as to what the fuck this is.

The title of this disc is so alarming, but it’s actually the first disc out of the ones I have listened to that doesn’t title drop in the text. The plot is still not going off the rails. In this: long conversations about porn, chips vs flips,  some good old L and Light first meeting (devoid of tennis) and..... Light being a nightmare retail customer who needs to speak to the manager.

___

We’re at To-Oh entrance exams. The teacher gives lengthy exam instructions, very teacher-typical. He also explains how big and important To-Oh is, because a German listener will naturally not necessarily be aware of that. The exam starts. The door opens.

TEACHER: You’re late, Mr...

LIGHT: Yagami. Light Yagami. I always get nervous if I have to wait too long.

TEACHER: You should still come earlier as to not bother the others. Please sit.

RYUK: Oh, he doesn’t like you, Light. Your cool attitude apparently--

Light coughs loudly. 

RYUK: Calm now. Nobody here can see or hear me. So here’s where the elite fights to get into University? All those freshly-scrubbed students with their freshly scrubbed brains... Oh, somebody is running even later.

TEACHER: What’s up with you millenials? As if there was nobody else in the world. And where’s your shoes? 

L: Bare feet help me think. 

TEACHER: It’s January. Aren’t you cold?

L: No.

TEACHER: You can sit here, next to the other one who was late. Mr...?

L: Erm, Ryuga. Hideki Ryuga. 

TEACHER: Really? That’s your name?

L: Yeah. 

TEACHER: Like the actor?

L: Yeah.

TEACHER: From TV?

L: Is there anything wrong with that?

TEACHER: Well, good luck, Mr. Ryuga.

RYUK: That’s not his name, Light. That’s not his name. He’s lying. 

LIGHT: I’m trying to focus here.

RYUK: I’ll bet. But I’ve got the eyes of a shinigami. And I know who that guy is. I can tell you, you’ve got a fan. A big fan. He pretends to study the task at hand, but he’s watching you. Like he’s been watching you for weeks. Don’t turn around now, but sitting behind you... is L.

____

TITLE MUSIC ____

Soichiro and L are watching Light. Soichiro insists Light is gonna study, but L points out that Light is about to leave the house. They notice the piece of paper that Light uses to check people coming into his room. Soichiro justifies it as “He’s a teen. And his sister always steals his pens”. 

_____

Ryuk and Light on the street. Light explains to Ryuk that someone was in his room, based on the door handle trick from the manga. They took out the more complicated pencil lead check. Light coerces Ryuk into looking for cameras the same way as in the manga. 

_____

Light returns home. We’re back with the surveillance team.

L: Now let’s see what your son is going to do with the rest of his evening. Camera 3. 

SOICHIRO: The exams are only a week away. He’s going to study until he falls asleep.

L: Weeell, you could put it that way.

SOICHIRO: Good lord. 

L: Is “Skimpy Cousins” on the curriculum this year?

SOICHIRO: My son of all people...

L (amused): It looks like a pile of books for studying... and with a very wide definition, that’s true.... Mandatory material, so to say. Camera 7, zoom in just a little... I’d like to read the titles. “Minxes in Uniforms”...

SOICHIRO: What we’re doing here isn’t right.

L: We’re looking for a killer. He’s looking at dirty booklets.

SOICHIRO: I’m just saying, watching this... is wrong.

L: If we witness it coming to a murder, it’ll be worth it. Though ‘coming’ might be the wrong term here. 

SOICHIRO: You’re enjoying this...

L: Not as much as he is, apparently. Or are we just supposed to think so?

L launches into his whole thing about how Light almost seems to just immediately want to point out what it is that he’s hiding. Soichiro is pissed. “You wanted evidence? There’s your evidence. My son likes to look at naked girls. Not quite a crime.” He’s very insistent that this is prove of Light’s innocence...

____

Ryuk chatters while he looks for cameras. He doesn’t get why human men love ‘the female form’. Women in the shinigami realm don’t even always have skin. Ryuk personally is very very into teeth on demon ladies. 

____

L and Soichiro are still arguing about the surveillance. L asks Soichiro if he’s told his family about the investigation, Soichiro denies and points out ruefully that he hasn’t been home a lot lately. L is like “Well, at least  every passing moment without your son doing voodoo magic or summoning the devil or whatever brings us closer to taking him off our list”.

_____

Ryuk found a lot of cameras and explains that to Light.

_____

A lengthy Sakura TV feature about a resident from an Australian village named ‘good old Tommy Smith’ dying. He left a goodbye message and shot himself. 

_____

STORE CLERK: Can I help you? 

LIGHT: Yes, I’d like to buy a portable TV. A small one.

STORE CLERK: Oh, alright. How small?

LIGHT: Small enough to fit into your pocket.

CLERK: Oh, you want a pocket TV? 

LIGHT: Exactly. The smaller the better.

CLERK: Oh, alright, good... Maybe you’d be better off looking on the ground floor.

LIGHT: Where they sell the cell phones?

CLERK: Yes. Practically every smartphone can stream TV nowadays.

LIGHT (in annoyed sing-song): But I don’t want a smartphone. I want a TV.

CLERK: Yes, okay, fine! Of course. I’m just saying. If you want a screen that fits into your pocket, then usually--

LIGHT: I said it before. I don’t want a cell phone. I also don’t want to use the internet. I don’t want to stream. I don’t want a two-way data transfer. 

CLERK: But--

LIGHT: I want a device that’s constructed to receive and display a TV signal. And I want this device to be small.

CLERK: Alright, I’ll just the manager real quick. 

____

A continuation of the Tommy Smith report. After his death it turned out he was a killer who was now in witness protection. People from the village get interviewed. Tommy Smith was a perfectly fine citizen to them.

____

MANAGER: Hello, sir. I’ve heard you’re looking for a portable TV?

LIGHT: That’s correct.

MANAGER: Did Gina tell you about our offers in regards to smartphones?

LIGHT: I don’t want one. Do you have portable TVs or not? 

MANAGER: You’re actually serious. 

LIGHT: The customer is always right, isn’t that so?

MANAGER: Well, we haven’t sold something like that in years. And even second-hand, you’ll probably be out of luck. An analogue terrestric signal hasn’t been broadcasted in forever. That means that everything that was produced ca. 2002 is only a useless pile of metal today. But wait... we still sell pro monitors! It’s what directors use to see what the camera is filming.

LIGHT: And those can receive TV signal?

MANAGER: Sure. But it really won’t be cheap.

LIGHT (sighs): I’ll pay in cash.

____

Muffled TV noises with cheesy lines.

SACHIKO: Sayu dear, do we really have to watch this during dinner?

SAYU: He’ll say it now! 

LIGHT: Who’s saying what? 

SAYU: He’s been taking his time for ten episodes now! 

SACHIKO: But you can record it and watch it later...

SAYU: Can not! I need to send my tweet right when he says it! Exactly in that moment! 

LIGHT: In what moment?

HIDEKI RYUGA (muffled from TV): I love you. 

Sayu gasping frantically.

SAYU: Yes! Yes! Oooooh my god. Oh my god! He said it! He told her! Hideki Ryuga is such a dream...

SACHIKO: And here I thought the guy was playing for the other team...

SAYU: Why can’t my school have men like you, Hideki? 

SACHIKO: Sayu, now come and eat your dinner.

SAYU: But mom...

____

The dinner conversation plays muffled. A phone rings. L picks up.

L: Matsuda, what’s up?

MATSUDA: Absolutely incredible. Hideki just confessed his feelings to Miko. 

L (through grit teeth): In the Kitamura household...

MATSUDA: They’re all watching channel 4. The whole family is parked on the couch in front of the TV.

Since everyone is watching the same channel, they’re broadcasting their fake message about 1500 agents being on the Kira task force now. Light calls them idiots for announcing this on the media. He also calls out that it’s an exaggeration by the police rather than true news. And he then takes chips and goes up to study.

_____

Ryuk explains some more about the cameras, that there are 64 and they cover every inch of the room. 

_____

SOICHIRO: What is he doing?

L: Studying. XXL party bag of chips, but... he’s studying.

SOICHIRO: This is exactly what we call a negative positive.

L: What do you mean, chief inspector?

SOICHIRO: We get a ton of equipment just to find out my son is doing.. nothing. 

L: We still don’t know how Kira gets his victims into his scope.

SOICHIRO: But we can strongly suspect Kira isn’t doing so by reading books and eating flips.

L: Chips.

SOICHIRO: They are flips.

L: Chips is the genus.

They are interrupted by another task force member (Matsuda?), mad about them wasting time watching Light doing nothing. 

_____

Light and Ryuk go out to the park, so that Ryuk can eat an apple. Light explains that nobody else likes Barbecue taste in this family (they kept the flavor change from the VIZ translation) and thus he can hide the TV in his flips bag. When Ryuk calls it a chips bag, Light actively corrects that it’s flips. Seems to run in the family.

_____

L is woken up because Ukita is calling on the phone about new murders that weren’t reported on while none of the suspects could have seen the news. L is suspicious that the family is cleared right on the first day of surveillance. Soichiro is annoyed.

______

The trash gets taken out and Ryuk points out how expensive the TV was, just like in the manga. Ryuk calls it a chips bag again and Light corrects to ‘flips bag’ again. 

______

A news report about Misa’s stalker dying. Misa herself is on air, recounting the event and claiming that Kira protected her like a guardian angel. 

_____

Paula Virilio calling L. She’s at a poolside because the FBI stint got her suspended. She wants L to rethink his illegal surveillance plans, since he might otherwise end up like her. L tells her the cameras were already removed. L briefly speculates that Kira might actually be God, then immediately gets rid of the thought. It’s the same as the thoughts he has as an internal monologue in the manga. Virilio says that once Light’s innocence is proven, he’ll be a totally normal college student again, and that gives L an idea....

_____

SOMEONE: You want to do what?

L: The entrance exams for college are next week. I’ll participate in them and naturally pass and thus go to college with Light Yagami. Look at him up-close, in person.

Agents laughing.

MATSUDA: L, come on, it’s not that easy. 

SOMEONE: Light does his entrance exams at To-Oh. That’s basically the best in the country.

MATSUDA: The average exam-taker passes at fourth try only. Those kids prepare for years.

L: Yagami seems pretty confident...

SOMEONE: He passed the test exams as the best. He’s the cleverest guy in the whole country. 

L: Out of the known guys. 

More laughter.

MATSUDA: Seriously now. You want to come in there, basically from the streets, and beat Japan’s best?

L: Hmm, yes.

MATSUDA: I’ll tell the others. We’ll open a betting pool. 

L: No, we’re not telling anyone. We’re just doing it. 

MATSUDA: Just... doing it?

L: Yeah, we’ll register and all. I’ll write the tests. 

MATSUDA: Okay, but you’ll have to give them a name.

L: Then let’s give them a name.

MATSUDA: Which name?

L: Just come up with something. Anything.

[ Side note but I have no idea if all of the Matsuda speech here is Matsuda, men’s voices are killing me. ]

____

L approaches Light at college and Light is annoyed, until L introduces himself as L. L is being a huge brat in this scene as well (”Oh come on, Light. You’re cleverer than you let on. Or at least I hoped so.”). Light lets on that he knows Kira needs a name, L points out that they haven’t released that info. Light justifies it by it being obvious because L is using a fake name.

L says Light could help with the investigation and invites Light to coffee. (He’s paying!)

_____

Soichiro and Kitamura are talking. Kitamura is noticing that he’s being watched and confronts Soichiro about it. (”Since Christmas, there’s been a few too many gas leaks in our street... or electric workers... even Jehova’s Witnesses have suddenly risen from their graves. I think if I was a criminal, I’d suspect someone is looking for excuses to snoop through my house. And then I think... No. Because last time I checked my business card, it said goddamn general inspector top honcho of the whole national police department! ”)

____

Light is hiding out in the café bathroom, having his little speech about L challenging him and him taking the challenge of them playing friends. (”Alright, L. You wanna be my buddy? Chill out with me? Let’s do it. Let’s see who breaks first.”) He’s far less angry than he is in the manga in this scene.

____

Ukita and Matsuda are supervising the scene from outside the café and L is bugged, too.

____

L tells Light he suspects him of being Kira. The L and Light dialogues in this episode are largely fairly close to the manga without too many amusing quips or interesting new bits. 

____

Soichiro and Kitamura keep arguing about the necessity of surveillance. Soichiro discloses that his son is a main suspect. 

SOICHIRO: The team is currently out trying to cross my son of the list once and for all.

KITAMURA: How can they do so?

SOICHIRO: Face to face.

KITAMURA: Isn’t that dangerous?

SOICHIRO: Mortally so.

KITAMURA: What exactly are they doing?

SOICHIRO: They’re probably having  coffee together. 

KITAMURA: Hah. Well that’s at least some not totally wasted working hours.

SOICHIRO: If you have a better idea, just come right out with it!

KITAMURA: How about this? Catch me a killer. 

SOICHIRO (tense): I’m sorry it’s not going fast enough for you.

_____

L shows Light the ‘L did you know’ message. Now (unlike at first mention), they point out the coded nature of the messages. L also gives out the faked ‘and they have red hands’ message addition. 

_____

Kitamura is still pissed about the Kira investigation not going anywhere and how it impacts his reputation. Soichiro gets extremely angry that they don’t have enough men and that just getting paid some more doesn’t solve the problem. 

SOICHIRO: Can you even imagine the pressure these men are under? Men with families? With children? I don’t think you can! If this was a flu epidemic, you’d mobilize the army. But sadly it’s just a row of unexplained heart attacks. So I’m left with just half a dozen men. 

KITAMURA: I gave you a cheque book with endless credit, Yagami.

SOICHIRO: Money doesn’t solve the problem, sir. The men think my task force is a suicide mission!

KITAMURA: Maybe that’s what it is, Yagami. But if we admit the full truth, we’ll have a nationwide panic.

SOICHIRO: We’re doing all we can. Everything. We’re following every hint. This criminal is smarter than any we’ve met before. He’s invisible! And kills from a distance! So... yes. I will bug your home, if it brings us even a centimeter closer to the truth. I can’t remember when I last slept. I haven’t shaved in days. And I go home and face my little boy, my firstborn, with all his potential.... his charm... his mother’s eyes... and grades most parents can only dream of... And I have to pretend... I have to... ghhgg. Uughh... [having heart attack noises]

____

Light says he wants his dad to prove L’s identity as L to him before he joins the investigation. Then both of them get the phone call that Soichiro is in the hospital. 

____

In the hospital. Soichiro’s gonna be fine, hurray. It was just stress. L lets Soichiro know that Light is gonna join the team now despite still being a suspect. That’s all the content in this conversation, everything else from the manga is cut. Soichiro asks L to watch over Light and L is like ‘yeah, I won’t take my eyes off him’.

Light immediately calls that out when they’re out of the room. (”Is that supposed to be funny?”). L and Light part ways outside the hospital, promising to find Kira together.

L’s car leaves, Ryuk points out that Light is playing with fire. Light ends the episode with the words “The game has begun.”

[racingtoaredlight]

The degenerate’s guide to college football TV watch ‘em ups, 2019 season, week 4

The game of the week screams off the page but there are plenty of actually decent footballs happening on this here beautiful final Saturday of the summer.

Let’s see if I have the mental fortitude to write even a single word for each game, good or not. What the hell does good have to do with degeneracy, anyway?

Times are Eastern, schedule is stolen from FBSchedules and odds are ripped from Vegas Insider.

Saturday, September 21

Matchup                                                          Time (ET)          TV/Mobile

11 Michigan at 13 Wisconsin                         12:00pm              FOX

You can throw out the rankings when these teams play because neither one of them has any business being ranked this highly! One of these teams will be basically out of the running for the playoffs by the time this is over. Everybody expects Michigan because Wisconsin hasn’t allowed a point this year and Michigan has mostly sucked so far in both of their games but this is the perfect place for a shitty Wolverines team to start tricking people. Wisconsin is up 110-0 on teams that are made of sawdust. Michigan is at least particle board, if not sterner. Wolverines +3, under 44.5.

Michigan State at Northwestern                    12:00pm               ABC

With an o/u a hilarious 36.5 I wouldn’t turn to this piece of shit if every single person on twitter were cryptically sending out tweets like “MICHIGAN!” and “nooooooooo” and “asdjseskrjhjsdbf” and “THERE’S STILL A WHOLE QUARTER LEFT!” You aren’t fooling me.

Western Michigan at Syracuse                       12:00pm             ACCN

What the hell is this ACCN thing, anyway? It’s just an ESPN skin but it’s got like 2% market penetration. At times like noon, September 21st, 2019, we can all be thankful for the unlikelihood of accidentally switching to ACCN while searching for football to gamble on.

ULM at Iowa State                                            12:00pm               FS1

Louisiana-Monroe is a real dark horse contender for the Big XII title.

UConn at Indiana                                              12:00pm               BTN

Webster’s dictionary defines the word “torture” as...

Tennessee at 9 Florida                                     12:00pm             ESPN

I’ve had this weird premonition all week that Florida is totally going to fuck this up. On the one hand, the Gators should score more than 14 on defense. On the other hand, they should give up some points on offense. On the third hand, Tennessee is in a very bad place as a football program. Vols +14, under 49. But don’t put more than $1.50 on any of it.

Southern Miss at 2 Alabama                            12:00pm              ESPN2

Do people bet a lot on Bama games? Nick Saban seems to willfully undercut gamblers every week. The Tide are easily 39 points better than Southern Miss but they could realistically sit on a 24-0 lead for the entire second half.

Boston College at Rutgers                               12:00pm                BTN

BC just lost to Kansas by 24 and here they are favored by 8 the next week. Rutgers is probably really that bad but that still seems impossible. 32 points worse than Kansas? NAIA schools aren’t 32 points worse than Kansas.

23 California at Mississippi                              12:00pm              ESPNU

Don’t look now but 6 Pac teams were ranked in the top 25 this week. Rather, go look now. No way that lasts. Never trust a west coast team heading east for an early kickoff.

Elon at Wake Forest                                           12:00pm               RSN

Wake Forest sucks but nobody sucks more than Elon Musk.

4 LSU at Vanderbilt                                             12:00pm             SECN

Some things you can count on. One of them is LSU’s football team never making a goddamn lick of sense in any context.

Morgan State at Army                                         12:00pm            CBSSN

The Troops have a -49 point line as I write this but apparently every other betting option is off the books? Not sure how that works but it’s probably illegal.

 Coastal Carolina at UMass                                1:00pm       FloSports / NESN

There needs to be better vetting before allowing teams to just move up to FBS status. This is horrible.

Louisiana at Ohio                                                 2:00pm            ESPN+

This is a very tiny step up from the 1pm game. Ohio has been a mess so take the Ragin Cajuns on the road +3.

CCSU at Eastern Michigan                                 3:00pm             ESPN3

There is no watchin this one up, either, so find other things to amuse you. Like gambling or day drinking.

Troy at Akron                                                        3:00pm            ESPN+

Finally we get that magical intersection of stupid, useless, and entertaining and it’s a goddamn ESPN+ game. For shame. SHAAAAAAME!!!!

Louisville at Florida State                                    3:30pm            ESPN

Did FSU’s big comeback last week wake the ghosts and get Willie Taggert on track in Tallahassee? Probably not. What little I’ve watched of these two has me thinking Louisville is a straight up better team than FSU so my advice would be to take the Cardinals +6.5 but that’s right there on the line. Don’t think twice.

South Alabama at UAB                                        3:30pm            NFLN

The Iron Bowl, Jr.! UAB -11 seems like pretty good value but you CAN THROW OUT THE RECORDS WHEN THESE TWO PLAY! A fun game to play if you watch this one is to see what fanbase is best represented in the crowd: UAB, USA, Bama or Auburn. Roll damn Tide.

Temple at Buffalo                                                  3:30pm          ESPNU

This seems like a conference rivalry but it isn’t. That’s all.

15 UCF at Pitt                                                       3:30pm   ABC/ESPN2 (RM)

I saw UCF mentioned as a legitimate top 5 team this week so I’m expecting them to lose. If Pitt wears their sweet yellow helmets I especially expect UCF to lose. So load up on UCF -11 because I am a fucking idiot. Book it.

22 Washington at BYU                                        3:30pm    ABC/ESPN2 (RM)

Poor, sweet UDub. What might have been? Probably nothing but what will be is definitely nothing. BYU is sure to follow up their big upset of USC with a belly flop.

Wyoming at Tulsa                                                 3:30pm         CBSSN

O/u has moved up to 46.5 but that still seems low to me. Very appropriate CBS SN fare here. This is just good watchin’.

Miami (Ohio) at 6 Ohio State                                3:30pm            BTN

I don’t want to be a true believer in Chase Young or Justin Fields. I need to stick to my traditional hate Ohio State stance because any time I’ve flirted with liking a player on their team it has ended in heart break.

SMU at 25 TCU                                                       3:30pm            FS1

SMU has looked better than a dead fish so far this year. I’m kind of intrigued in this game as entertainment. I don’t want to pin expectations on it but I might hang around for a quarter or so.

Bowling Green at Kent State                                 3:30pm          ESPN3

Here comes the MAC to ruin my good mood.

Appalachian State at North Carolina                     3:30pm          RSN

And here’s Mack to ruin my good mood even more.

8 Auburn at 17 Texas A&M                                      3:30pm          CBS

Just the words Auburn and Texas A&M next to each other promises a level of psychosis that will be tough to live up to. I hope you’ve got a defibrillator nearby if you take it upon yourself to place bets on this game.

Kentucky at Mississippi State                                 4:00pm        SECN

I think this is the entertaining side of S!E!C!

South Carolina at Missouri                                      4:00pm       SECN Alt.

And this is dark, depressing, unwatchable side of S!E!C!

Central Michigan at Miami (FL)                                4:00pm         ACCN

Once upon a time there was a small, slow, relatively unathletic wide receiver from Miami who went to Central Michigan and became a huge star, one of the best in the NFL, a Madden cover boy, probably a serial rapist who is now unemployable even though he’s still one of the best football players on the planet. Where am I going with this? Oh, yeah, don’t move to Pittsburgh.

West Virginia at Kansas                                            4:30pm          ESPN+

What if Kansas wins again? Does Les Miles sign a fully guaranteed 25-year extension and then immediately retire?

New Mexico State at New Mexico                             4:30pm         ATTSN

That’s some rivalry game you’ve got there. Would be a shame if it happened at the end of the season instead of the middle of September. What the fuck is this game doing on September 20th? What are these two teams planning that’s so important at the end of November?

William & Mary at East Carolina                                6:00pm         ESPN3

Has William & Mary always used “Tribe” for their team monikers? I definitely should have noticed that before now. That’s really kind of gross and weird. Anyway, I don’t see any betting info for this game but if you’re looking for a FCS -over-FBS upset for this week, this is the one for you.

Hampton at Liberty                                                      6:00pm         ESPN+

Liberty’s football team only went to FBS because Jerry Falwell, Jr. made a promise to a young man in a locker room and the younger Falwell is a man of his word when it comes to young men in locker rooms. Allegedly.

Wagner at Florida Atlantic                                           6:00pm        ESPN+

Wagner “Seahawks” is a missed opportunity so obvious I don’t think it needs to be spelled out. Prove me wrong.

Ball State at NC State                                                    7:00pm       ESPNU

I always think of Marvin Gaye when I see Ball State. And for the last couple of years every time I think of Marvin Gaye I think about rumors that he was a serial killer. I don’t believe every rumor I hear about rich and/or famous people but I do believe most of them. NC State -19.5 is a pretty solid bet if I get to use your money for it.

16 Oregon at Stanford                                                   7:00pm        ESPN

I don’t want to sell myself as some kind of Pac-12 expert but I absolutely expect Stanford to win this game by 30 because it is exactly the kind of thing that happens in Pac-12 football.

Baylor at Rice                                                                 7:00pm       CBSSN

Baylor out here sullying the good name of CBS Sports. It’s like finding out Matt Groening was a passenger on the Lolita Express.

Old Dominion at 21 Virginia                                          7:00pm        ESPN2

I know it’s ODU but Virginia winning by 27 seems like a dodgy concept against literally any team in the country. UVA has a decent shot at going 12-0 and losing the ACCCG by 100.

Southern Illinois at Arkansas State                              7:00pm        ESPN3

If you asked me once a week every week for the next 52 weeks if Southern Illinois is a D-1A school or not I would be wrong more often than not. It turns out they aren’t in the MAC at all.

Georgia State at Texas State                                         7:00pm         ESPN+

Get rid of FCS and make a real college football playoffs, you cowards! Isn’t a game like this between two FBS level programs mockery enough? How much more degradation can the product withstand before you have to give up the ruse and pay the players?

Charlotte at 1 Clemson                                                  7:30pm         ACCN

Charlotte’s odds of winning the Coastal are as good as anybody’s.

UTSA at North Texas                                                      7:30pm     Facebook

utsa-unt utsa-unt utsa-unt. There! Now you’re beatboxing!

San Jose State at Arkansas                                           7:30pm        SECN

Bad west coast team going east to play a bad SEC team in the evening. Hmm. Not sure the rules here.

Oklahoma State at 12 Texas                                           7:30pm          ABC

Chuba Hubbard is gonna get his Heisman moment tonight. I can feel it.

Nevada at UTEP                                                               8:00pm      ESPN3

The dark heart of football degeneracy is still beating. MWC and CUSA linking back up for a game only the most stupid among us can love. And I am as stupid as they come.

Nebraska at Illinois                                                           8:00pm       BTN

I told you ranking Nebraska was a mistake. I don’t think I needed to but it’s still worth noting that I did.

7 Notre Dame at 3 Georgia                                               8:00pm       CBS

This is only the third all time meeting between Notre Dame and UGA. The line for this one is up to 14.5 but both previous meetings were decided by one score or less. That’s not necessarily relevant to this matchup but Georgia -14.5 still seems crazy to me even though I hope they win by 58.

Colorado at 24 Arizona State                                     10:00pm     Pac-12N

The first rule of Pac-12 after dark is betting on a Pac-12 after dark game is a terrible idea. That’s probably the only rule.

Sacramento State at Fresno State                             10:00pm     Facebook

A game that belongs on facebook. Maybe only on facebook. Why waste money on upkeep for stands and press boxes?

Toledo at Colorado State                                             10:15pm       ESPN2

I will for sure be torn away from the TV but this late run of weird matchups in style and uniforms is exactly what I love about college football and it will just keep getting better the deeper we get into the night.

Utah State at San Diego State                                     10:30pm      CBSSN

This is my entire brand explicated. A potential first round QB playing against San Diego State until 2am east coast time on CBS Sports? Be still my heart.

UCLA at 19 Washington State                                     10:30pm       ESPN

And the marquee late game is Mike Leach and Chip Kelly in a seemingly very lopsided matchup. Run it up, you stupid boomer pirate.

Central Arkansas at Hawaii                              11:59pm  Spectrum / Facebook

A great night of degenerate football only truly ends with a Hawaii home game. On facebook? Sure. Facebook should make one of those stupid little handheld black & white TVs that only receives facebook sports broadcasts. I would probably buy one just to watch Hawaii on the smallest screen possible.

[leaparrish]

Stick to the Status Quo || Lea & Amadeo

AJ finds out things he probably shouldn’t. Popular kids can also be jerks.

It was a good fifteen, maybe even twenty minutes after the final bell. Lea had spent some of it in the library, making sure that she had a few books that she'd need for her final projects and essays. The hallways were empty now - with the weather improving, more and more students made their ways outside as quickly as possible. But that was fine, she didn't need all the company right now. She made her way over to her locker and switched the books into the crook of one arm, fiddling with the lock with her other hand. Before she could catch them, she felt the books slipping and did a quick 360 of the hallway before reaching her hand out, palm flat - stopping the books a few inches above the ground. That way they didn't have to fall and make a loud noise or let her papers spill everywhere, creating unnecessary messes. Locker finally unlocked, she bent down to grab her books and scoop them back into her arms, holding them with both arms this time.

AJ had stopped by the main office on his way out of the school. After the locker mishap that had effectively ruined one of his favorite shirts plus permanently stained the bottoms of his Converse he had decided to start keeping his stuff in the office. He spent his free period there working as an office aid for the secretaries anyways, so they were more than happy to let him store his stuff there during the day. The secretaries seemed just about the only three people in the entire school not hell bent on ruining AJ's life recently and he was pretty sure they did most of the kind things they did for him out of pity. AJ didn't need their pity, but he did need them to keep turning a blind eye to his copier and laminator use, so he figured he could keep paying the heartbroken puppy dog for at least one more year. He got trapped in a conversation with one on his way out that put him behind getting out of the school. By now the student parking lot would be backed up with traffic, so AJ was in no real rush to get to his truck. Turning into a hallway heading towards the exit he stopped suddenly when he noticed Lea Parrish out of the corner of his eye. He knew her more by reputation than anything else. He had seen her with the same group of kids that had ostracized AJ on a few occasions. Plus, AJ was in a couple classes with her brother. But until the moment that she dropped a few books and they began levitating mid fall, AJ had never really had any interest in learning more about the girl. "Well, there's something you don't see everyday." He tried to keep his expression neutral, but inside he could feel the wicked grin splitting across his face.

Lea pulled her backpack off her back and set it on the floor before opening the locker more fully. She absent-mindedly fixed a few of the Instax mini-polaroids of herself and her friends that were stuck with magnets to the door of the locker and set about grabbing some of the notebooks that she'd need for tonight's homework plus three of the books that she was reading for fun at the moment. But she felt herself half jump when she heard a comment. Lea had been so sure that she'd been totally alone. "My backpack?" She said, standing up to face the source of the voice. Amadeo - AJ - whatever he preferred to be called. "It's pretty cute, I know." She twirled her ponytail around her fingers. Because of course it was that - it had to be - because there was no way that someone - anyone - had seen her do magic, especially not so shortly after the whole Dustin thing. Dropping the ponytail, she crossed her arms over her chest. "Didn't exactly take it to be your style though, but if you want, I can give you recommendations." Just fake it - she reminded herself. Pretend things like magic aren't real and that one of the most intimidating boys in school didn't just maybe see you do magic.

Stuffing his hands into his pockets and strolling down the hallway towards Lea as slowly as possible, AJ let the tension build. They both knew exactly what he had just seen, and if AJ played it cool for just a moment longer maybe he could get some kind of nervous breakdown of a confession out of the girl. He had certainly never seen anything like that before in his life, although he had always suspected that it had existed. He considered himself a pretty logical guy, but growing up in a town like Ashkent Creek with a detective for a father, a line between logical and impossible had to be drawn. Had Lea's little trick taken him off guard? Yes. But had it surprised him? Not so much. Now standing just a few feet from Lea, he leaned against the lockers and stared her down. The girl seemed innocent and fragile enough, but he had seen first hand just how cruel the people she called friends could be. He wasn't dumb enough to let people off the hook just because they didn't look like they could harm a fly. Especially when they could do whatever the hell Lea had just done. "I'm more interested in your textbooks actually. They looked light as a feather. They practically floated to the ground. You know, if I had books that light I'd just carry them around with me all day. I certainly wouldn't have to use that damn locker of mine." He was assuming she had heard about the blood in the locker prank earlier in the week. Since it had been her friends that had arranged it and her brother that had actually tried to help in the aftermath. "Care to share your secret?"

Every fibre of her being wanted to turn around and leave, but for some reason Lea couldn't move. She watched him carefully as he walked down the hallway before stopping just a few feet from her locker. She slammed the door of her locker shut with as much force as she could manage and raised an eyebrow at the boy in front of her. She shouldn't have stopped the books. But then they would have made too much noise and could have caused unnecessary messes on the hallway floor. Which was absolutely not what she wanted. Too much of a mess of things - of anything, be it books or something more abstract, was bad. "Well, my locker's in a good location." She gave a shrug, one she could only hoped implied a lack of care. "I don't know what you're saying about them being light, though. Sometimes I think my backpack ends up weighing more than I do." She let out a nervous giggle. "Or so my parents say." Lea fiddled with the edges of her sweater, tugging it down a bit more over her leggings. "No secrets to share, unless you want to know how I keep my nails neat for weeks at a time. I don't know what sort of thing you thought you saw." She glanced back behind her. She couldn't leave, still. Not now.

AJ had to admit, Lea was impressively committed to this playing dumb act. If AJ hadn't mastered the art of avoiding the question and changing the subject, he might actually think that the girl was just nervous around him instead of lying to him. Given AJ's reputation, especially coming from the people she considered her friends, he couldn't really blame her for being nervous around him. He had been accused of everything from blindly ignoring that his father was a killer, to helping to cover it up, to committing some of the murders himself. The rumor will was on steroids when it came to AJ Ricci. "Right." AJ released a single, humorless laugh at the awful excuse and feigned disinterest. Two could play at that game. "Maybe I'll just go talk to the principal about getting my locker changed then?" He pointed a finger, hoping Lea would follow it right up to the camera swiveling up and down the hallways. It had only been a year or two since the cameras had been installed following a break in that had resulted in a kid being killed, but AJ had to admit that it had worked in his favor on multiple occasions. "I bet I can even pull up some footage to show him exactly where I want the locker too." He pulled his hand free from his pocket and held it against his heart, giving a heartfelt sigh, "We could even be locker buddies."

Lea should have just left school when the bell had rung. With Jenna and Katie, and any of the others. They could have gone to somebody's house, done homework and just hung out and then she wouldn't be in this situation. Her mother would kill her if she knew how foolish she'd been, especially after Dustin's idiotic move. She was supposed to be the better sibling, the one who never did any wrong. It was part of how she was able to use Dustin's misbehavior as leverage against him. Yet here she was, standing with perhaps one of the worst people who could have seen what just happened, especially because he did not seem all too keen on brushing it off as a sort of trick of the eye. Too tired, too much studying, the brief heat in Maine getting to him. "Can't get lockers moved this late in the school year." She pursed her lips to the side. She'd heard about what had happened to him in his locker - and felt bad - though she didn't know just who it was who had done it. But that didn't excuse what he was doing now. She followed his finger up to the cameras and sucked in a brief breath. "These lockers are all taken." Lea half-snapped, taking a few steps back. "Don't think the administration'll switch up lockers, no matter who they're doing it for."

AJ crossed his arms. From the looks of it, the two were at some sort of stand off. Lea, unwilling to admit what the two of them had both clearly seen and AJ unwilling to let an opportunity like this pass him by. Trying to find the evidence that he would need to prove his dad's innocence would be tricky enough, and while AJ had no clue what all Lea had up her sleeve in regards to the magic he had just witnessed he did know that whatever it was it was a trump card he intended to hold. The two stood in a stare off for what felt like an hour before AJ broke the silence again. "Look, I know what you've heard about me. I know who your friends are. Given the stories that they've told I don't understand why you seem so hell bent on pissing me off." He began. It was dark even for him. Usually he hated playing on the rumor card. He spent so much time vehemently denying anything that related to his father's warrant for arrest that the idea of using those same rumors to get what he wanted just seemed... wrong. As if nothing else he did to get what he wanted wasn't just as morally ambiguous. AJ wasn't going to get the chance to fully play the card anyways it seemed, when he heard the voice behind him squeal out in protest. "Lea! What is he doing?" the voice sounded startled, like low budget thriller film startled. AJ rolled his eyes and shifted his glance over at the group of three girls rushing toward Lea and him. The one leading the charge, Amanda, was a junior like AJ, followed behind her was her little sister Katie and another friend, Jenna. "What the hell do you think you're doing talking to her?" Amanda excused AJ, practically stepping in between the two as if Lea's life had been in danger or something. "Hmm. Free country? Class project? Magic?" AJ spirit fingered in Amanda's direction while giving a quick but hopefully noticeable side-eye to Lea. "Take your pick. You usually just make stuff up for me anyways."

Lea narrowed her eyes at him. She wrapped her fingers tightly around the straps of her backpack and gave a small huff. She'd never flat out say she'd just done magic, especially not in front of him, of all people. If Jenna or somebody had caught her, she might have - but not in front of a stranger who she'd heard more bad than good about. When he finally spoke again she took a few steps back. "Yeah, but if you try anything, there's the cameras, remember?" She snapped back, pointing right up at the cameras. But before much else could be said, Amanda, Katie, and Jenna appeared. Lea startled briefly before reminding herself that they clearly hadn't seen what she'd done, because they would have rushed to intervene long before. When Amanda stepped in front of her, Lea let Katie grab her and pull her back, though she carefully watched Amanda and AJ's interaction. "Not in any of the same classes," she rolled her eyes. Amanda replied, "Maybe it is a free country, but harassment is still frowned upon, especially on school grounds. Especially to freshman girls." Lea glanced around the hallway, wondering if any of Amanda's other friends were around. Right now, she just wanted to go, but at the same time, she wasn't about to step in between Amanda and whatever she was doing. Especially if this got her out of having to circumvent talking about what she'd just done. "All I wanted to do was leave, frankly." She said with a small shrug.

If there had been time before Amanda and her gang of mindless Barbies had shown up to rescue Lea from the big bad wolf, AJ might have mentioned that he controlled those cameras at the school. The footage was kept stored in an otherwise empty office used mostly for storage and the thing went unchecked unless a specific case was brought up against a student. AJ spent enough time in the office to have plenty of opportunity to delete anything that might be used to criminalize him for any reason, but there had been more than a couple of times that a certain disc with footage of a student lighting up in the hallway in between classes or lighting a trashcan on fire had mysteriously found its way onto the Principal's desk. Upon Amanda's threat, or what AJ assumed had meant to be a threat, he let out a single laugh. "Harassment, right." Is that what this was considered? "It's not like it would be the worst thing you've said about me. Does it ever get tiring? It's got to be exhausting to constantly make up lie and after lie. The least you could do is get a little more creative with them." Amanda scowled at him, as if he was nothing more than a gnat that had flown too close to her ear. Behind her, the three freshman stared wide eyed at the exchange. They didn't speak, but they didn't leave either. Two years ago if AJ had been in Lea's place would he have done anything different? "I don't tell anybody anything that shouldn't be heard. We were friends with you. We don't need others making the same mistake." AJ rolled his eyes, using his leg to push himself off of the locker and pacing from locker to locker. "Next time could you tell them that I like skinning Dalmatians for their fur? Or that I like stealing voices from mermaids? Come on, give me something to work with here." He turned to Lea next, "It wasn't like I chained you to the locker. I'm not an X-Men."

Moving closer to Katie and Jenna, Lea watched Amanda carefully. She was incredibly elegant, even if the words she spoke were not done so in a kind manner. But if it distracted from what AJ had seen, it was fine. She quickly admonished herself for thinking so - bullying wasn't okay, but if the things Amanda and others had told her about AJ held any truth, Lea was at least fairly glad that they'd come up before anything else could happen. Her mother would kill her if she found out what had happened. Then Dustin - well, she didn't know what he'd say. He was in the same grade as AJ, but she didn't figure the two knew one another well, if at all. In a small enough school as theirs was, rumors got around and people mostly knew each other at least by vague recognition, but she wasn't entirely sure how much Dustin knew. But he could easily call her a hypocrite, or an idiot, or anything. She wondered if he'd be concerned for his or her well-being at all. "I didn't try and be friends with him." Lea whispered to Katie and Jenna. "He just showed up." Katie rested a firm hand on Lea's shoulder, almost modeling her behavior after her sister's. "No worries." She whispered, low enough that neither Amanda nor AJ would be able to hear. Lea's focus returned to Amanda and AJ. "You don't deserve things to work with." Amanda scoffed, rolling her eyes. "Murderers and the children of them should get nothing - and that'd be a blessing." Lea took half a step forward as AJ addressed her again. "No, the X-Men aren't real anyhow, and I think that'd be a few steps past harassment if you did that." She watched as AJ paced back and forth and bit her lip. "You could've just let me be." Lea continued, all but locking eyes with AJ. He wouldn't say anything, not right now. That much she had a pretty good feeling of. It wasn't like he could get Amanda and Katie and Jenna to believe it, anyhow. Besides, Amanda stepped in to speak again. "You shouldn't have talked to her. You should know better, know your place in this school."

AJ didn't let words get to him. It was the cardinal rule. The one thing that he couldn't get away by just faking. He had constructed a hurried but sturdy wall around himself made of glue, capturing the words and making sure not to lose them. Each harmful thing making his wall that much stronger. He had his own words as weapons, a carefully crafted sword of sarcasm and jokes to keep everyone else at a distance. Things worked better that way. His dad had always called him soft as a child, he had never believed it until he realized how hurt he had been when all of his friends had turned their back on him. He didn't want to feel the sting of that betrayal again. Everyone now was an enemy, all of them ready with daggers to plunge into his back. "And you could have walked away at any time." He didn't even bother trying to defend his father again. That shtick had gotten old long ago. He would show them all. "Don't you worry a head on your pretty little head Amanda. I've already figured out my place." Before leaving, he turned his focus onto Lea one last time, "These used to be my friends too, if they ever get around to telling the truth once in awhile. They dropped me as soon as they found out that my imperfections didn't fit their narrative. So if you have any skeletons in your closet you better hide them. You might end up just like me." Then he turned his back to leave.

Lea sucked in her lower lip. Her father and mother would be displeased to see her act this way. She even knew the term - bystander effect - letting something go wrong when it should not. But if she spoke up, she could be found out, and things could fall apart. Which absolutely could not happen. Lea felt her nails dig into her palms - she knew there'd be light marks there, now. She remained standing by Jenna and Katie, protected by Katie's almost ethereal (despite her cruelty) sister. "We believed in you." Amanda murmured, each word filled with ice. "The last time we'll dare make that mistake." She clicked her tongue against her teeth. Lea startled as AJ addressed her again, giving a rolling of her eyes. "They care about me." She said, seeing Katie and Jenna nod out of the corners of her eyes. "But thank you so much for the advice." She replied, watching as he began to leave. Before he'd even gotten out of earshot, Amanda turned to Lea and the other two, and commented - "Let's go. My car's all ready. Wouldn't want to be around someone like that any longer." As she began following the three out, Lea looked back, giving AJ's back a small glare. She'd have to make sure none of this ever got out, ever. Absolutely and totally simple.

[carrollwollstone-blog]

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