#i been struggling so bad with her hair so im proud

[mako-the-zora]

ms paint always brings the best in me

[dilxcc]

epilogue

summary. in which two friends who desperately clings to each other until the other slips away . . .

contains. fem!reader, friends to lovers, this chapter contained some suggestive stuff, fluff, slowburn, cussing, grammatical errors . . .

notes. im glad that i managed to finish this. the slight angst at the end was meant as um... well you know T-T i miss him sm

previous chapter

it wasn't often like this. satoru felt bad for waking up late. after moving in with you, he doesn't like to be the one to wake up late. he had made a pledge to himself that he will wake up first before you do because he wanted to do everything for you first thing in the morning.

so when he woke up finding you nowhere on your side of bed, he almost panicked. in your relationship, satoru was always the one to cook for you. he likes doing so. a smile soon plastered on his face when he heard the slight clattered in the kitchen.

he wasn't used to you cooking him breakfast. but he still enjoyed watching you struggle as you squint your eyes at your phone to look at the recipe. it wasn't that your eyes are bad or anything. he could tell that you were just making sure that it is the right ingredient.

he crept up behind you and wrapped an arm around your waist. "what are you making?" he asked softly. "just... pancakes," you tried to smile with pride but the slight burn on it made you do the exact opposite. "you're doing great," he kissed your shoulder softly.

as you continued to make breakfast, the white haired male moved to sit at the table. "you know that i don't mind cooking for you everyday right?"

"i'll feel bad," you chuckled. "plus, i wanted to make you something once in a while. you do everything for me,"

"i love doing everything for you. i don't mind if it makes you happy," satoru muttered as he downed the hot chocolate. since he likes sweet things, you learned to always make him anything sweet. his hot chocolate was always extra sweet.

you hoped that he wouldn't need too many sweets in the future.

.

satoru smiled to himself as he watched you sleep, his hand caressing your head carefully. he was proud of you. you were always stronger than he ever was. he didn't care what people say. he didn't care when people said that he is the strongest.

in his eyes, you will always be the strongest to him. carrying a baby for 9 months and giving birth to his child.

he was glad that your daughter had gotten your eyes. your eyes had always been the most beautiful. the way that her hair shines a beautiful white under the moon light gave a light tug at his heart. his daughter had been given both of her parents' trait.

he was glad. maybe it would be fine then if he were to leave you behind one day.

taglist: @wooasecret @charisthemaniac @tw0fvced @1lellykins @dnnalssndra

masterlist

[valdrinors-writing]

so ive been working on both my p4 and p5 asau concepts and decided to write down my current ideas for p4 (foolsuke plot bunny is coming soon too! i just need to think about it lol)

yu narukami - naoto shirogane

moving into a new town when your grandfather is sick is pretty rough and then you get swooped into this investigation? naoto is still pretty intelligent and good at deduction, but struggles with making friends - partially because he's distant and tends to get hyperfocused on his latest interest, and partially because he's just... so good at everything (except skiing, and talking to people). also im using he/him pronouns for naoto, i imagine that he's not out in terms of official papers, but he is out socially, and most people use he/him pronouns for him

yosuke hanamura - rise kujikawa

rise never became an idol in this universe, but has a desire to become one that she often keeps hidden because she thinks its embarassing. she works at her grandma's tofu place and was close with saki as they both bonded over not being linked to junes', but when saki started working at junes', they began to drift apart, with both rise and saki feeling like the other 'betrayed' them (saki by leaving rise and rise by staying at the shopping district). her shadow represents her idol wishes and her desire for attention (in reality her desire for someone to love her for who she is)

chie satonaka - teddie hanamura

theodore 'teddie' was adopted by the hanamuras when he was like about 8 years old, a fact that he has mixed feelings about. the hanamuras are much more strict about junes' in this world, often feeling like they have to lord over their children in order to keep them in line, which uh... doesnt help. teddie is outwardly an upbeat and athletic kid who just wants to 'score' with girls, but in reality feels insecure due to being not fully japanese as well as adopted (think a lot of ann's issues with her being not fully japanese, but with the bonus of him being in a fully japanese family). he's jealous of yosuke, the heir, while he feels like he's less important

yukiko amagi - yosuke hanamura

take yosuke's canonical small town boredom, add on the pressure of running junes' and being isolated for destroying the business district? yeah yosuke's not going so hot. he's still the kind, upbeat guy we know and love, distracting from his boredom by working his ass off at junes' to make his parents proud. as he's the third subject of the midnight channel, his shadow acts as the 'ruler' of that dungeon, which appears like a pirate ship with his goal being to escape inaba as quickly as possible - including escaping his responsibilities as the heir of junes'

kanji tatsumi - yukiko amagi

still the heir to the amagi inn, but began to lash out following a traumatic experience in middle school in which she was bullied for being 'prettier' than the other girls, because kids can be cruel. unlike kanji, who has a rough exterior but a soft, squishy centre, yukiko was made bitter due to her bullying experiences and views the amagi inn as a prison that she's trapped in, her entire life being decided by her parents and the people around her. she's much more distant compared to canon, but she managed to make the news due to a scuffle with another group of girls which lead to a report on delinquint problems plaguing inaba. this leads to her becoming a subject of the midnight channel... but its not a castle. its a prison, with yukiko being more resigned to the fact that she's stuck there no matter what she does

rise kujikawa - kanji tatsumi

ooh boy you thought kanji's rejection sensitive dysphoria and fear of being judged was bad in canon? add him to a visual kei style idol group and see how that goes. kanji is the drummer for the group, and is often considered very reliable and cool, with many people having crushes on him for his outwardly brusque and badass demeanour. but take off the makeup and the hair dye, and he's just kanji, a socially awkward timid kid who's scared shitless of being rejected by those around him. he moved back to inaba for a fresh start after an argument with the group lead to him being kicked out of the band, and the rumors forming around him are causing him to spiral. his dungeon is p much the same steamy bathhouse as in canon, but with the added bonus of shadow kanji switching between flamboyant and girly to tough and masculine because that's the 'role' he was given in the group

that's p much all at the moment, but star!marie and fortune!chie are coming soon once i think of their characterisation lol

[seeingivy]

method acting asks!

wait i totally agree. i think for the last of s4 press he would want to grow it out to the manbun again cuz that's kind of the iconic look but after that y/n would give him a haircut every time it started to get too long and he was kind of getting annoyed by it.

and yes, louis partridge my beloved is my perfect eren. when his hair was a little bit longer (before he cut it currently) it always made me giggle when olivia's fans referred to him "as the bob" and I totally think y/n's fans would do the same

hehe. more margaret and bruce references in the next chapter. but yeah they're literally always going to be so famous AND im so excited for the next chapter I have been WAITINGGG to use margaret by lana del ray

I posted the tracklist a little while ago. i've linked it here!

that being said, I am also so so emotional about only having one chapter left. I was rereading chapters last night just to make sure I cover all my bases and mention everything I want to for the last chapter and weirdly enough I got so nostalgic and just started crying LMFAO. really though, i've been writing this fic since last july - and i've lived a hundred lives since last july. truly this academic year has been the hardest i've pushed myself and generally struggled the most - and I always found myself running back to this fic and writing it whenever I was really down. getting to watch people nitpick and find all the little easter eggs I was leaving really made my day when I was down in it.

and in general, the fics I wrote before method acting were really soft and sweet - but with little depth of topics that were discussed? if that makes sense? and i'm in no way shitting on my own work, because I am really proud of my work (all of it, no matter how bad or good I think it is now), but this was the first time that I really got to push the limits and kind of talk about other topics and lessons i've learned in my little old twenty years of life. even yesterday, I was rereading the beach and remember that I wrote that whole dialogue about how your life is not meant to be a punishment and you're meant to move forward - and how deeply delighted I was when that was the line that most of the readers resonated with. it's sweet to feel like i'm pouring my love and heart into a fic and have people enjoying it on the other side.

anyways, sorry @tangerine-neonlight this is so long and i'm emotional and i'm about to start working on the last chapter so i've been feeling all types of ways.

here are my no context spoilers for the last chapter:

lover by taylor swift BUT ACTUALLY in the worst way you could possibly imagine it

connie girlfriend reveal (spoiler not spoiler, but we've met her already, and dare I say, she's quite the fan favorite)

the seattle aquarium

SNL host eren l/n-jaeger ft musical guest y/n l/n-jaeger (YUPPP)

eren and y/n releasing songs about fucking each other on the same day again. yeah <3

[bigmack2go]

I got live‘sies so its time to appreciate‘sies some brackrond‘sies detailies

Not rly bc but i live how it looks like were zooming up, and then back down the lodge before and after santafee prologue

Why tf is crutchie su confused when he wakes up

Jack proceeds to sleep with one of just drawings wtf

He waves his hand infront of crutchie like „ur eyes closed yet??“

Al playing and leaning on the rail ahhhh ahshwksmdnxlxl (in case u didnt know: i love albert)

Race laughing and slapping specs

Everyone just deads in their tracks and teams up when Albert gives his coment that went to far

Finch scratching his head is so real

DID BIRD FLY TWEETY BOY JUST LEAN IN FOR A GOODMORNING KISS

AND DID GINGER MF JUST REFUSE BIRD FLY TWEETY BOY HIS KISS??

The slap on his chest like „not now honey“ 😭swejfcizp

Ike and mike arent in the same thibgy thing. For fucks sake thank god cuz its been bothering me for a while how they only get mentioned in the same context. I hate it when they do that. Wait nvm that looked like mush but it actually was mike.

Naw sniper can be so adorable

Did i mention i fucking love jojo

Smalls snd finch sharing a room ™️

Crutchie is so done w jacks bullshit

LMAO BUTTONS COMBING HIS HAIR

Albert posing infront of the „mirror“ is so me tbh

Ive mever seen anyone struggle this mutch to out on a hat as blink. All those tbh thats smt that could be me prolly

Specs babe what r u doing on the floor

Race shaking his jaket is so overdramatic and its perfect

Mush and henry are a duo I didn’t know I needed.

Why is mush acting like hes in a circus lmfao

Tommy struggling with the pants is everything

Elmer just took his cap off, put it in his pocket, and the magicaly made it apear in his other hand???

Who is tommy saluting at

Naw specs is like a big brother to livesies blink and it breaks my heart in the best way possible

Albert jumps in the middle like when i slide through the kitchen on my socks lmfao

Tbh sniper just wanted to move too

Sky. What was your thought process when you looked at darcy‘s ass instead of Katherine‘s even tho you knew this was gonna be in the proshot?

BUTTONS WTF??

Finch is such a mood istg

Snipe honey ily but you are being a little creepy

HENRY YOU JUST PUT ON THE JACKET HOW DID IT GO OFF U AGAIN?

I demant to know what jojo is doing

Ok smalls just sitting there dangling their feet is everything

BUTTONS ALSO LOOKED AT DARCY INSTEAD OF KATH WTH ?? HER ASS CABT BE THAT BAD /j

Kath awkward queen

Darcy going „alright“ like „okay thats enough, im done— your dONE“

HES SO PROUD 🥹

Specs. Going down backwards are leathers. This are stairs. Please watch where you’re goibg

RACE TOO IS EYEING DARCY INSTEAD OF KATHERINE

Istg romeo and jack r the only ones eyeing kathering wtf is thos?

RACE LOOKS AT CRUTCHES SO KNOWINGLY LIKE AN INSIDE JOKES UNDER BROTHERS LMFAO I LOVE THAT. THEYRE MAKING FUN OF JACK TOGETHER AHSHWKENFN

Ok so elmer actually looked at kath but he honestly just looks angry

Tommy boy save me, youre the only normal person here!

Nvm

Race wtf is your deal??

OKAY SOMEONE HELP ELMER I THINK HES HAVING A SEIZURE

How is blink STILL bot done?!

Jacks just talking to the air

Every single one of finches facial expressions. Like i can’t even count them all.

Hes so done lmfao

Mush? Wtf? Stop? Please?

You wanna share with the class tommy? We wanna laugh too

Buttons just watches like he just gave up like,,, ah whatever you do you

Mush is becoming a poledancer??

WJEN DID SPECS GO BACK UP THERE WTF

Race slapping buttons on the cheek like a grandma💀💀💀

We all agree that albert is that one friend where the whole friendgroup thinks he’s the token straight friends but hes everything but that, its just that he doesn’t talk about it a lot. And there’s that one friend (i wonder who/j) that knows fron experienced how thats just so fucking wrong

Elmer is like „😒😒😒—oh shit thats my cue- IM HAPPY“

So i got aprox two seconds into it and now in tired so see u lmfao

[panestates]

I just reorganized my Victoria, Rachel, and Nathan Pinterest boards. links to each board, organization, and miscellaneous notes added under cut because I get antsy when I'm not dedicated to something silly. I will probably update this post if I make any major changes

soooo fun fact these started as a Victoria/Nathan shared board called "dead and buried" in June 2024 but I started to branch off into individual boards for individual characters with specific sections for relationships as I got farther into this hyperfixation!! We love virgoisms!!

each board is fairly self explanatory. the body of each board is dedicated to the character themselves and organized by color - Rachel's board begins in monochrome like Victoria and Nathan's, but her first in-color images are in shades of brown and her board ends in pinks/reds because we only know her as a dead person at first then she comes to life :) the sections are organized by quotes that almost always apply specifically to each section without referring to characters or relationships by name! "⌙" is used for the board sections to designate BAD relationships (eg Nathan and his dad and #that man with Nathan and Rachel), "⟡" designates better relationships (still not great but BETTER! eg kristine and Nathan, Rachel and Chloe, and Victoria and Nathan), while "┊" seperates out quote images because I think they look really clunky in the body of the board! however, each board begins with two quotes and some lyrics :)

Kind of a secret not sure if you could tell but Victoria is my favorite character. I really want to redo the red into orange into yellow into brown into sepia section because I think it's just a leeeedle messy but . It'll be done eventually. you'll notice a lot of Audrey Horne images here it's because I'm a fucking NERD. I need to stop adding images of Oxford shoes but I don't want to. the description quote is from episode 4, "I know how this art game has to be played. it's brutal" is also from episode 4, "like brother-sister or something" is said by Taylor in episode 4 too what the fuck, and "she already has everything she wants, doesn't she" is said or written by max during episode 1... aren't you glad I didn't say episode 4. I've been on the fence about naming the quote section either "et in arcadia ego" or "everywhere you go, there I am" but I like them both too much! by the way it's really hard to find images for the Victoria and her parents section (said about relationship that was never actually developed or mentioned or implied to be something worth analyzing up until one very specific line in episode 4)! I am the most proud of this board than I am any other board I've ever made!! it is my baby and I get really angry when I see images get taken down from it. I've wanted to put in a Rachel/Victoria section for a long time now but I think all the images I'd put in it would not be allowed on Pinterest OR SOMETHING

this is my most recent solo board - Rachel originally shared a board with Chloe called "fire walking" and just received her own board because she's been on my mind more lately :) I'll probably create a solo Chloe board one of these days but I think I only have like 40 images dedicated to her right now while Victoria/Rachel/Nathan all have well over 150+ 🥲 you can't blame me all she does is smoke weed have blue hair and die!! but!! Rachel's board is still a work in progress, I'm just trying very hard not to be generic.. I struggle so often with character boards and playlists where I don't want to have the same images and songs as all the other boards and playlists even if that sounds pretentious and silly! with Rachel's board, I tried to really focus on a ghost/deer/faceless/california motif and I hope it doesn't come across as too repetitive. "the last binder in the row reads 'Rachel'" is from the episode 1 script but it's empty right now because I'm scared, "...in the dark room" is from episode 3 and is sort of a cop out but fuck you (I almost named it dark room junkyard besties but absolutely not), "fire walking" is from before the storm and it is also the only acknowledgement I'll ever make of before the storm and I am also trying sofucking hard to find an amberprice quote I like from the first game so I can get rid of any mention of bts, and "you can't cover over that sunlight" is said by Samuel about Rachel's missing person posters in episode 1! fun fact: her board and Victoria's board have images from the same photoshoot but with different models!

Nathan my boy forever. Sorry. sucks. I will always choose the ending where he's murdered. I have nothing interesting to say honestly.when I made that post like "what color is Nathan's hair I can't look at him long enough without laughing" that was so serious I have no fucking clue what his hair color is so a lot of these images are redheads some are dark haired!! it;s like a rorschach test. the description quote is from the episode 2 Jefferson lecture before Kate kills herself, "I told him what he needed to hear" is from episode 5 - I was on the fence about making it something from the Jefferson sms message "you want me to treat you like an adult who can get things done on his own? impress me. I'd like nothing more than to be proud of you. I'm not there yet." because I think it characterizes their relationship super well but I couldn't choose a part I liked most, "you'll thank me someday" is from Sean's email in episode 4, "I miss you and your pictures" is from Kristine's email in episode 4 (I also have a private board dedicated to her but it's pretty barren so I doubt it'll ever see the light! it's called "back to the mangrove!") and "kill the rich kid" is said by Hayden in episode 1 :)

[akaakeis]

HEY HEY HEEEEYYYYYYY bokuto moment

HI SAV<33

first of all shut up and pretend I didn't see ur sideblog posts THE THING IS I LOVE LOVE LOVE SENDING ASKS BUT LIKE I DIDN'T KNOW IF ITD BE FREAKY TO SEND RANDOM ASS ASKS TO YOU EVEN THO I BLEAT IN UR DMS EVERY OTHER SECOND

N E WAYS HIIII im having lunch rn !! IT RAINED SO BAD SO ITS LIKE 5PM AND IM STILL IN MY UNIFORM AND STUFF i had like.. stuff planned on my schedule and stuff :cccccc

dude the way i do NAWT feel like writing at all but also im dying to get yns pov in the first chapter like PICK A FUCKING SIDE OMFG literally had to pause writing this to think

TODAY I CORRECTED THE ENGLISH TEACHERS GRAMMAR IT WAS SO FUNNY LIKE I WAS WRITING AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS HUGE ASS WHITEBOARD SO I WAS KNEELING ON THE GROUND AND SHE GOES TO CORRECT SOMEONE'S (ALREADY CORRECT) GRAMMAR AND I LOOK UP TO HER LIKE UH NO THAT'S RIGHT ACTUALLY AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN QUESTION IT JUST TOOK IT LIKE A CHAMP??? LIKE GIRL WHEN EVEN U KNOW UR WRONG????

THE SENTENCE WAS monica went to her grandmother's house for summer vacation AND SHE MADE IT WEIRDER SOUNDING "during vacation" LIKE GIRL NO??????????? sorry for ranting god im such a hater

AND LIKE THESE FUCKASS TEACHERS WONT SEE MY TEXTS (i love them) BUT THE EXACT SECOND I PULL UP TO THEM AT SCHOOL IM GETTING MY CHEEKS TUGGED AT LIKE "oh em gee alina u did such a great job we r sooo proud of u" DIE. AND IM SO SCARED CUZ IM NOT STUDYING PROPERLY OR ENOUGH I THINK AND MY SCHEDULE IS SO FREAKY AND WEIRD AND THE !! RAIN !! EW 🤮🤢🤮🤢 not that i hate the rain, it just conveniently happens NOT when im at home ready to go to school, but rather otw to school or otw home so i'm just late everywhere. also MY WATER BOTTLE DISAPPEARED?? AND THERES A GIRL W THIEVING TENDENCIES IN CLASS LIKE IM NOT POINTING FINGERS BUT BUT BUUUUUUUT um. ANWYAYS I SAW A SUBMERGED MOTORCYCLE AND ALSO MY CHEM TEACHER TAKING PICS OF THE FLOOD LIKE WTF HE WANT THEM FOR "look wife im not cheating im actually trapped in school"

dude.. biceps r so..... like... kuroo... IM LOWK A KUROO ENTHUSIAST HE IS SO YUMMY LIKE U JUST KNOW HED LET U BITE IT (my intrusive thoughts r like. if he existed irl. nom nom time) NOT EVEN IN A SEXUAL WAY BTW I JUST NEED A CHOMP

ANYWAYS I FOUND OUT LIKE RN THAT I GOT 77/90 IN PAPER 1 AND 95/110 IN PAPER 2 OF BANGLA AND I ONLY GOT AN A* BECAUSE OF THE THRESHOLD (171) LIKE WHAAAT. (I GOT 172)

ITS 5:18PM RN AND IM GNA TAKE THE FASTEST FUCKING SHOWER OF MY ENTIRE LIKE CUZ MY HAIR GREASY ASF AND ITS SO EW AND THEN ILL DO CHEM NOTES HASHTAG STUDYING TRUST ME ! ! !

ANYWAYS last anyways of the day HRU MY BABY POOKIE PIE DARLING SWEETHEART POPEYES MUFFIN CUPCAKE HONEYPIE POPSICLE POOKIEBRO HOW WAS UR SLEEP HOW WAS UR YESTERDAY HOW IS UR LIFE WHATS GOING ON AND ALSO ALSO ALSO i forget give me a sec um erm ueueue OH I GOT IT I ABSOLUTELY ADORE U FOR READING ALL OF THE THINGS I SEND U LIKE!!!!! SHIRRJSKSKSOKSKS ILY okbye!!

HEY LINA!!

yeah im gonna act like u didnt see that sideblog post bc i SAID i wasnt trying to hint at anyone... AND NO THATS NOT FREAKY?? idk man i send in asks to ness like every day bc i think its fun to talk that way!! paragraph asks are genuinely so fun to receive!! ALSO USING THE WORD BLEAT IS CRAZY YOU R NOT BLEATING IN MY DMS

omg i hope you had a good lunch!! im answering this like an hour later so i assume u already finished? idk its weird that we're 12 hrs apart 😭 AND NOOO THATS AWFUL :(( sorry to hear that love :( hopefully the rain didn't flood any area and you and your fam are all good!!

HELP THATS SUCH A REAL FEELING i was battling with that yesterday so bad omf... i feel like sometimes we can attach somewhat negative connotations w writing bc sometimes it can feel like a chore? so sometimes it's a struggle to get up and decide to write? maybe thats js me but like yeah 😓 BUT GENUINELY SO EXCITED FOR YOUR APOCALYPSE AU!! ITS BEEN AMAZING SO FAR!! AND ANYTHING IVE READ FOR IT MAKES ME WANT TO LET OUT AUDIBLE SOBS ‼️ that sounds negative but i feel like you get why i want to LIKE GOOD GRIEF anyway write whenever you feel like it!! dont force it <3

THERES NO WAY??? PLEASE THATS SO FUNNY TO ME 😭 I LOVE THAT SHE DIDNT EVEN QUESTION IT OMG? YOU PROBABLY SPEAK MUCH MORE FLUENTLY THAN HER ANYWAY LMAOAOAO BUT PROUD OF YOU!!

okay like maybe im stupid but i feel like both of those sentences make sense? like "monica went to her grandmother's house for summer vacation" makes sense but so does "monica went to her grandmother's house during vacation" it's just that it doesn't specify whether it's during summer vacation so it can sound awkward ig?? idk man ive been stuck reading old english for the last couple of days bc of the hobbit (I DESPISE THAT BOOK IT CAN GO DIE) sigh

HELP?? I MEAN IM SO HAPPY YOURE GETTING GOOD GRADES THO!! AS LONG AS YOURE ABLE TO STUDY JUST ENOUGH SO THAT YOURE CONFIDENT IN THE TOPIC THEN I THINK YOURE GOOD HONESTLY 😨 and the rain sounds like its out to get u thats wild??? PLEASE im not pointing my finger at anyone... im just agreeing here... there's a chance 😭 having classmates with tendencies to steal is such a pain in the ass tho i hope you're able to retrieve your water bottle!! AND HELP I LOVE THE WAY YOU DUBBED THAT "im not cheating im actually stuck in school" had me giggling sm

HELLO? BITING KUROO'S BICEP IS INSANE (but lowkey i would too VERY LOWKEY because i feel like im not super attracted to big biceps and stuff idk?? but just a little chomp 😋😋)

WHATATATAT AT LEAST YOU GOT A* THOUGH ‼️ GOOD JOB!!!

AAA ENJOY YOUR SHOWER! I HOPE IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER!! AND YES WE LOVE A RESPONSIBLE STUDIOUS GIRL 😋

AND IM ACTUALLY DOING GOOD MY POOKIE WOOKIE SUGAR PLUM COOKIE BROWNIE PUMPKIN PIE HONEY LOML (i laughed an obscene amount while writing that)!! TODAY IM GONNA BE SUPER BUSY.. I HAVE SPEECH AND DEBATE AFTER MY SCHOOL DAY IS OVER AND THEN I HAVE VOLLEYBALL PRACTICE UNTIL... 7 PM???? I THINK???? GOD. AND I SLEPT SUPER DUPER WELL I WOKE UP RLY COZY IN MY BED AND IM STILL HUDDLED UP IN HERE LMAOAOAO 😭 YESTERDAY WAS GOOD!! I DIDNT HAVE ANYTHING I NEEDED TO DO SO I GOT TO CHILL AT HOME AND LISTEN TO MUSIC AND LITTLE PODCASTS (i listen to the bit my tongue podcast by nailea devora SOOO MUCH) AND AWHAGSHHA LINA!! I ADORE EVERYTHING YOU WRITE AND ANYTHING YOU SEND TO ME!! ILL ALWAYS MAKE TIME TO READ SOMETHING YOU SEND ME!! ILY!! <3

[elsfairy]

➝ 𝐖𝐄𝐀𝐊𝐍𝐄𝐒𝐒. (I'm just fucking emo, here)

You always felt like you didn't fit in anywhere. Even from the ages of 10+ you never felt like no one wanted you around. It was sad, actually. Being told by all the children you wished would let you join in with their games, that you were just boring and you were just weird.

The amount of times you've tried to remove those memories from your brain was easier said than done. You weren't a kid anymore, you were living your life. A life you sometimes wished would be easier. A life you wished sometimes just.. stopped. That was your feelings a few years go. Sometimes those thoughts crept up into your mind, even if you tried to not let them.

Then there is Sevika. Someone you trusted more than yourself. You never trusted yourself. Fuck, you didn't even trust your own family but you trusted her. You trusted her with everything you have.

❝You've been quiet for the past few days, is something bothering you?❞

It was a question you've always been asked, yet ignored because you trusted them more than your own answer. Always being told no one cared enough to listen to you. She knew you didn't go well with talking about your feelings, but she asked you everyday to make sure you were truly okay.

❝Is it the same thing as the other night?❞

Your girlfriend didn't have to try hard to find out what what was bothering you. She could always tell by the way you looked at her, either on the verge of tears, or anger. You were sad because no one has loved you like she does. No one has given you a chance like she has. You were angry because of how upset and broken you felt. Of being treated like something someone throws away after using it once.

❝I don't feel good enough Vika❞

No matter how upset you became, she was instantly right there with you. Holding you, stroking your hair and reassuring you that you were more than enough. That you are worth fighting for. She hated how broken they made you feel, how fragile you've become because of being pushed away. How used you feel.

❝I know that you don't believe me but, I mean it when I tell you that you are perfect the way you are. Any bad day you have, I'm going to be right here, telling you that you're doing perfectly fine. I will be here to let you know that im proud of you and I love you❞

You never had a chance to interject with your own arguments because she didn't let you. Sevika didn't like the way you spoke about yourself. She refused to listen to you put yourself down. She didn't see you that way. She's always seen you as strong, caring, gentle, kind, amazing. Even if you did deal with your own problems, to her you were strong because you are still here. You are still here, with her.

❝Vika⎯❞

❝Don't do that. Do not say that you're not good enough. You've always been good enough. You're always going to be enough. You're worth it. You are allowed to love, you are allowed to be loved. Do you know why? because i love you. I love you so much and it breaks my heart when you think these things. You are my weakness, but you're also my happiness and i need you here. I will go through every single bad day with you if it means i still wake up with you in my arms. I need you here, do you get it? i cannot be without you, but i hate how broken they've made you feel.❞

Sevika wasn't a crier, but when it came to you she's crying with you and for you. She wasn't ever worried about how tight you were holding onto her, it was more that she was scared you were going to pass out from how much you cry. Years of struggles and worries bottled up until you can't handle it. That's what scared her the most when you cried.

❝I'll never hurt you, Sweetheart. I will murder anyone who tries to hurt you. I will do anything and everything to make you feel safe. I will always protect you, even on your good days. As long at it means you are still here when i wake up, because i love you❞

❝i love you❞

idk, i listened to some sad song and came up with this.

[mississpissi]

im asking you to explain :mic: abby and her dad go

ok this all started w bulks post about “abby” meaning “father’s joy” and it got me thinking about the contrast between cecil’s relationship with his mom versus the relationship i imagine between abby and her dad. fair warning that this mostly exists in my head but u bet ur burger im still gonna try to back up my ideas w quotes from the text (AP lit and lang babey).

first of all, looking at cecil’s relationship with his mom is super important. one of the first things we hear about her is that she used to hide from cecil for days and that she covered all the mirrors in their house (33). she also tells cecil to “beware, be warned, be wary”, which she apparently says to everything and cecil interprets to mean that she’s proud of him. we also hear in “Homecoming” (55) that cecil looks forward to seeing his mom every year at the homecoming game and was disappointed when he wasn’t able to. in “It Sticks With You” (182), we learn their mother would take them into the woods and walk quickly, cecil saying, “I think she wanted to lose us in the shadowy labyrinth of tall trees.” she would leave flowers at the base of the same old tree every time. she would ignore cecil’s questions. in “Bedtime Story” (132), which im convinced is about cecil (but that’s another post), cecil says “he just wanted his mother to show interest in his curiosity.” and even if that story isn’t about him, it is a story his mother would tell him at night, one he never heard the end of. in the traffic section of “Pioneer Days” (143), cecil tells a story of a boy left behind, abandoned by his family, left with nothing but a snake. im also fairly certain this is about him (cecil loves to tell his own story without ever really telling it). 

most revealing is what cecil says in “Ghost Stories” about his mother and her death. we learn their mother left when cecil was 14 (whatever that means), that cecil “thought that Mom would be back at any moment, like maybe she was away on business. Or out for a walk. Or just hiding.” He says, “And Mom flew away, when all other defenses failed her.” we learn she returned many years later, sick and old and “sorry”. we learn that she died soon after in a way that was “mundane”, that cecil was at work when it happened. we learn that cecil mourned her passing.

all of this paints a picture of a relationship that was strained, full of pain, downright abusive. and we see cecil, as he does so often, retrofit this pain to be something more palatable. she was hiding because she was proud. she didn’t speak to him because she was focused on something else. her defenses had failed her. she was struggling with alcoholism and mental illness. she was playing a game. she covered the mirrors because of pride. she came back! her death was inevitable. he misses her. he grieves her. he loved her. she might have loved him. he makes excuses for her because to do anything else would be to admit that he had experienced immense pain- to re-experience this immense pain. better to change the story.

now abby. 

we don’t know nearly as much about abby as i wish we did. we know she “approach[es] life with a total practicality,” that she will save her pain for when she is in private (It Devours!). steve says, “With Abby around, I can't imagine a bad thing that could happen" (89). we know her relationship with cecil has been tumultuous, that she leaned on cecil and then on steve as she raised janice. in “Bedtime Story”, the sister in the story fought with her brother, telling him she hated him. “she would wrestle him to the ground and pull his hair.” after the boy is buried in the ground, the sister often visits the tree he becomes. she plants flowers, removes beatles from his bark, reads in his shade, plucks his fruit. she visits with a man and a child, visits with joy and with tears in turn. this sister, this abby mourns her brother and tries to protect him, fights with him, loves him. 

and, again, in “Ghost Stories”, we learn that abby was “reserved and controlling”, that she dropped out of college when their mom left to raise cecil, that she blamed him (that cecil blamed her for not being their mom). we learn that abby was there when their mother died, that her death prompted cecil and abby to reconcile their differences. we learn that cecil and abby are both haunted by their family. 

here’s where i diverge from what we really have. 

we haven’t really heard from abby. everything we know of her we’ve learned from cecil and steve. but i have to imagine she resented their mother, that she hardly wanted to drop her plans for her future to raise her younger brother.  i hardly have to imagine what it’s like to have that kind of responsibility thrust upon you when all you wanted was to live your own life. i have to imagine watching your mother die, your mother who just reentered your life after years of neglect, would hurt, would be complicated, would cut deep.

i imagine mr. and mrs. palmer bringing home their first born child, naming her “Abby”, naming her “father’s joy”, naming her after the pride that swelled in her father’s chest. i imagine mr. and mrs. palmer doing their best to raise their daughter in a town as hostile as night vale. i imagine them wanting a sibling for their daughter, someone to keep her company when they couldn’t. i imagine abby struggling with the idea for a moment, then embracing her brother wholeheartedly. i imagine mrs. palmer naming their son “Cecil”, naming him “blind”, naming him after the future she saw.

i imagine abby, her father’s joy, watching as he brought his son to “work in the pasture” with him (132). watching as her brother was injured by his curiosity, watching as her father avoided him in his anger. watching her mother hide from her brother. i imagine abby realizing she would have to be the one to patch him up, even while both parents were still home. i imagine abby hearing her father promise that he “would give [his] life for [his son]”, hearing him say her brother could never be a doctor because “he feared for the boy's future patients”. i imagine her wanting her father to offer his life for her, to invite her to the pasture. i imagine her becoming more reserved over time, realizing her brother needed more help and attention, willing to step into the background because she loved him, because she wanted to be strong for her family. i imagine her doing everything she could to live up to her name, to be someone worthy of the joy of her father.

i imagine abby, her father’s joy, watching him leave. maybe she knew why, maybe she was simply left. i imagine abby watching her mother slowly fall into paranoia and fear because of her brother, because of what she had seen. i imagine abby following her mother into the woods, placing flowers on the trunk of a tree she recognizes, trying to keep cecil distracted by playing a game with him. i imagine abby making sure cecil got to school, got food when their mother was hiding from him. i imagine abby finding out her mother too had left, left her with now full time responsibility for cecil. i imagine abby becoming controlling because she had to, because she had lost control over so many other aspects of her life. i imagine abby channeling what she could remember of her father, trying to be strong, reliable- ignoring that he had stopped being that very suddenly. i imagine abby yelling at a teenage cecil, telling herself that it was better than ignoring him like they had. i imagine abby finding out she was to become a mother, a mother without a father, a mother to a daughter who had more needs than she could handle on her own. i imagine abby finding a man who wanted to help, who could provide a stability cecil was unable to, for all his enthusiasm. i imagine abby, kicking her drunk brother she had raised out of her wedding, not willing to look him in the face for years without seeing her father, seeing her mother, seeing ghosts.

and i imagine abby listening to her brother describe their father on live radio. i imagine her cleaning up after the dinner steve made, hearing about a man with a “thin mouth… [and] threatening, beckoning eyes” (192). hearing about a man, their father, her father, going into the forest with a shovel, digging himself out of the ground. i wonder if she put the pieces together retroactively or if she’d had them all along. i imagine her waiting for the shower to cry. i imagine her hearing that cecil received a photograph of their father (201, 219). i wonder if she went to see it, if she was able to, if she even wanted to see it. i wonder if she listened in, checking that her brother was taking care of her daughter, only to hear that her father, the man who’s joy she had once been, was actually talking to cecil (224). i wonder if she wondered why he was reaching out to cecil and not her. i wonder if she called cecil after, or if she knew he meant it when he said, “I refuse to look into it further.” i wonder if she hopes that when cecil is made to remember their father, she gets to as well. i wonder how long she was her father’s joy, and how long she spent grieving whatever changed that.

most of all, i wonder if WE’RE EVER GONNA GET TO HEAR ABBY’S FUCKING VOICE!!

[onlyjaeyun]

oh my baby how are you???? im so so so sorry i kinda disappeared for a little while but i’m backkkk, i was doing so bad mentally but i still read ur chaps and honestly it was the best part of my day, i will talk about them so sorry for the long ass ask my love, also, my sweet angel girl this is UR smau and the final decision is URS so don’t pay attention to those mean asks, there’s a bunch of people who love the characters and the plot so fuck them mean asks, yeah i said it 🤗

soooo the last ask i sent was for chap 24 i think? (i swear i will get the 9.4k words tattooed on my back) but i’m back so let’s talk about the last 4 chaps, cuz BABY SHOTARO IS BACK AND IM SOSOSOSOOSOSO HAPPY, black hair hoon. someone hold me back. UGH HE IS SO FINE AND THE DAMN GYM PHOTOS AGGHHHHH, but oh my baby yn, when she talked to yunie about her moms grave and how she spent 2 hours talk to her i felt my heart shattering i swear, and then yunie going “we thought y’all were fucking lol” OH AND YN GETTIBG ALL DEFENSIVE BABY U ARE SO OBVIOUS 🙈🙈but oh my goodness the kenya and yuki thing, i got so mad, like it seems like they don’t have a heart a swear AMD THEN THE AUDIO, IM DIZZY WHAT???? AGGHHHHHH

also no need to read the other asks i am going to send, it’s way too much of me yapping but i just love and appreciate u so much and the hard working person u are, rest well my baby

-🪼(1/?)

HELLO MY SWEETEST LOVE OMG I JUST SAW THIS AND THE OTHER ONES YOU SENT ME AND I GOT SO EXCITED BC I MISSED SEEING YOU IN MY INBOX!!!!! am sorry to hear that you've been struggling yet I hope you're feeling a little bit better baby and are taking care of yourself! so so so proud of you for trying your hardest!!! im so glad youre back and are enjoying CH as much, you know your words mean the world to me and I love and appreciate you so so much! gonna try and get back to your other asks once I've answered the other ones but I promise I read them all and love them sm :( youre the best!!!!!☁︎♥

[runa-falls]

Em I did not come to say hello in very very long time (woopsies ahah) but ANYWAY i've been seeng your 123 celebration going on and i came to say hi and congrats on all the milestones!!!!!! I'M VERY PROUD OF YOU FOR ALL OF IT!!!

anyway im meant to be writing but lmao here we are?

LETS PLAY!!

shipping game: send me a brief description of yourself (preferably your pronouns [so i don't get it wrong!], hobbies, likes/dislikes, personality, etc.) and i'll match you with one of my blorbos! -- also include if u want some spice 🌶️ or not!

ok ok so. um.

I use she/her pronouns, I've got big wavy hair that has a bit of a curl to it. I used to do competitive swimming/general swim classes for about 7-8 years until Covid (meaning: my poor. poor. poor. hair.). I am average height at 5'5 and a bit, and I've got big brown eyes. I struggle a LOT to find good clothing cuz I'm very heavily on the curvy side and dress modestly, but I tend to be a little extra with my clothing and like to dress up for the smallest occasions (like. i will go to the mall. in an evening gown. i dont care.) I looove collecting things like rocks, old records and specifically pins- I wear a hijab so I adooooore collecting little things I can use to pin it with. Super fun. I love cooking but I hate cleaning up after, I sleep in a lot, and I love to read romance books. My favourite colour is green, and I dress in a lot of earth tones, and I am heavily touch starved, my love language is....I think physical touch or gifts cuz I loove making things for people!! I write a lot, fanfiction and novels (less on the novels lmao). Ummm, I loove parties and social gatherings, and I like someone by me who enjoys going on adventures and exploring the world (biggest history nerd you will meet its so bad)

ANYWAY THATS ENOUGH WOW AHAHAHHA

anyway i love you mwah mwah mwah mwah

-Clem

HI CLEM :D

i ship you with: miguel o'hara :))

i feel like miguel was a lot more sociable when he was happy so he'd love to have you on his arm when you two attend parties and shit.

miguel loves it when you dress up. he doesn't need to see a SPECK of skin to get riled up for you LOL. he 100% hypes you up whenever you get ready "there's my girl 😍" (he's a simp). you have to physically push him away before he ruins your make up and wrinkles your clothes bc he's so needy ugh.

miguel also loves giving gifts to show his affection. he's the type of guy to randomly give you little pins for your hijab or a record by an artist he's seen you listen to. he also loves to have you in his arms. he's a protective guy and having someone who's a foot smaller makes him FERAL. not to mention his love for curves :3

mig is open to traveling, but both of his jobs (scientist/spiderman) kinda keep him in one general area. he'd probably make exceptions for you tho (SIMP). mig can cook for you, but he loves your food so he usually ends up cleaning up anyway. he's an early riser so the kitchen is clean for you every morning!

[sunmoonjune]

okay sheesh i’ve been gone for too long exams took up too much of my time why did i chose to be a woman in STEM and god knows if i’ll even pass but 😭 I FINALLY GOT TO READ THE NEW (not so new) LTM UPDATE

a little late but late is better than never no?

FIRST THINGS FIRST i love your writing so much ik i mention this like everytime i send anything but your writing is genuinely mesmerising and i have to re read almost every line because you could rival shakespeare your writing in fact would make him jealous he would literally plagiarise you in fact he would wishe he could write that good if he was still alive!!!

the way yunho is so considerate and knows all of bugs ticks and how she’ll feel 😭😭 the one thin blanket so she doesn’t feel suffocated I CANT he’s so sweet give him not one but TWO kithes!!

and jongho being so caring and keeping watch and taking care of bug his love language is literally acts of service and he is servicing his acts!! big protector boss!! and the little forehead bump was so cute when he blushed when bug held his hand back AND HE CALLED HER LOVE >{^]!|$~! i’m literally gripping my hair rn

BUT BUGS DEVELOPMENT she’s sleeping soundly next to them which means she feels SAFE! and COMFORTABLE! but also the fact that it’s been one year omg that’s their baby that’s literally their baby

NOW HONGJOONG!! the long awaited bugjoong moment hath arrived!! the way he was on her left side so she’d see him instantly and not get scared,,,, the way he was so gentle in waking her up tapping the floor??? him bringing the mattress AND TELLING HER TO SIT BACK DOWN? she was sat instantly like girl me too tf

WE GOT A NEW SIGNED NAME AND ITS MY HONGJOONG!!! she called him HOME!!! and he HUGGED GER AND SHE THINKS SHE LIKES HUGS (girl me too) it’s over for me i’m gone im literally gone bye bye

AND THEN HIS STORYYYYY JOONGS BACKGROUND STORYYYYY him and bug deserved so much better im sat here crying :( but he was being so comforting of bug he was thinking about her mostly when telling his story he needs all the kithes in the world

and then woosan creeping and staring at bugjoong that’s literally all the readers creeping in on bug and her moments with all the ateez members staring like o_o

they’re so snuggly wtf i wanna be there too

anyways as per usual you absolutely DEVOURED THAT it was astronomical im gonna have to re read a couple times now again ‘‘twas too much for me

make sure you take care of yourself MWAH !!

- 📚

📚 anon I've missed you <33

gosh babes I totally understand the struggles of being a woman in STEM :")) it's a rough journey but you'll make it! I'm proud of you :D <3

omg omg omg better than Shakespeare??? No way I love you so much omfg <3 thank you thank you <33 that entire paragraph literally had me screaming crying throwing up :'D

yun is SO sweet and he knows his bug SO well :"] he takes such good care of her fr,, def deserves kisses and hugs <33

jongho's love languages are DEF acts of service <33 he just wants to take care of his partners and keep them safe <3 his lil forehead bump with yun was so cute too xD

also shoutout to 🪷 anon for helping me decide what nickname jongho would call bug xD I struggled for SO long and 'love' was mostly their idea hehe

THAT'S THEIR BABY <33 BUG IS ATEEZ'S BABY <33333

HONGJOONG <3 he was SO worried about bug and didn't want to frighten her even though he wanted to speak to her SO bad :') ALSO bug ogling joong's muscles while he brought over the mattress, so true of you babe xD

her home <33 the founder of ateez and the founder of her home <33

and joong's backstory :"(( they were clinging to each other and confronting each other the whole way through <3

woosan watching them snuggle was so cute xD they were blushing and kicking their feet fr :}

hehe I'm so so glad you enjoyed the update my dear <33 thank you again for your lovely review :D I enjoy them every single time <33 take care of yourself as well <33 kiss kiss <3

[nancyalgrenawi]

When a man tells you for many years same sentence i cant leave my kids i cant make a quick decision when iy comes to my kids ( 9 years later) he means he cant admit to you he loves his wife cant leave her for another man to snatch, he hides behind the kids so you dont harm it. Hes aware of what you can do after if he speaks clearly and and intentionally. Hes scared of your acting then…

At end is all form of abuse, manipulation. You should embrace the truth and walk away with the truth not with his robotic lol ways of saying things…. Don’t get used to it and normalize such a disrespect to your character.. how you sit around see all happening many birthdays, holidays together with good and bad. How you normal that stuff??? Did pot make it heal and make it better. Work hard on your character and play harder on priorities. Dont buy the fact that kids makes you stay in any relationship by force. It didn’t make me!!!

Even if i leave my marriage?! That my standards. it wont be he choose otherwise! U love what you scared to lose. When a man dont love you he dont care where you live who u sleep with or he wont stand a chance by being far for to long imagine years. Thats not love thats sex attachment and blow blow. He feeding his need by manipulating and lying. He will tell things you want to hear such my wife is jealous of your hair lol lol my wife knows we the thang still manages to protect his family by court. Proofing to many. he don’t. Care about the consequences you get. Thats simply not love. ❤️

If he gets you arrested not to sleep with someone else thats obsession. He will manage to tell step dad crapshoot. Know the difference make the right to save YOU. I will Know the difference and i will save my FAMILY.

The ideology is to move on maybe with no someone else but with yourself and love yourself a little bit more to see things clear, not his ways not my ways but the right way.

A man with a faithful side chick will do vacations and dates with one intention for his wife ( happy life) with another excuse for his side chick to keep her loyal. I got married because… i went to Maldives because…. I gave her diamonds because…. I have another kid because…. I sleep in bed with her because… i give her money because… i do certain things because…. I cant go out because…. I work a lot because… i drink coffee with her because… i dont leave because… i have emergencies because… i cant divorce her because… i live with her because… i keep going on ✈️ because…. I say i love to her because… i call her hayati because… i watch tv shows with her because…. I buy her flowers because… I love her because shes my HOME.

A man will build his wife up awhile destroying the side chick down. He will consume her time and years and age by her not feeling the years passing by. He will make veins pop out your forehead, gray hair in ur head at ealry 30s, he will age and take best years of your life that can never come back. He will make you believe in this idea of you winning him over by making you struggle to control you. Its not his position to change that for you is you to change that direction of your life to a happy place just for you. Its your responsibility to leave an unreal play of relationship, yes he will secretly answer your wants and needs at cheap cost so you can believe you have a say. He will make you believe hes not giving his wife a life that she deserves, or causing some distress in her life to accommodate your evil plots. Thats just between you two. How is that real? At this point i been living the happiest moments of my life that i could never imagined i work for all my belongings. I work 48 hours a week to accomplish all my needs and wants, i live for my kids nit for a man even if hes my husband, i am the maker of my happiness , i was wrong before but there is always room to grown. Im proud of all i got and how i got it decent way. I don’t bother proofing to any man i love them unconditionally, im in love with me and i give me unconditional love. I don’t post for anyone… just tumblr because i got a fan here. Shes my fan and the man she chases also my fan.

Don’t be lazy chase work, chase money, chase life all together, chase who chases you and value you.

2022 to 2025 nothing bothers me 🎶 just your imagination of me and what you tell my husband about me kind bothers me, because i don’t know you, how can you know me and describe me!!’ You’re a person that slept with my husband before me and got stuck and sticky with the mentality you will break my home, a home me and him build together voluntarily, me and him only know the day we met we couldn’t never stay away after that, yes he gave me a child so he can tell his parents he got be with me and get a house… not the other way around the truth is one. 1️⃣

Yes you confused him in may 2016 not going to lie because you the friend he knew before me, you involved sex thats a weakness of a man. He loved the idea you chasing him and calling private begging for his attention he enjoyed it because he wanted that before you came to do it after he gifted me and an apartment with furniture and all… he took some years of his life but not once he was confused who he wnated to end up with. I know that hurted you because you didnt see that coming after yall was done you thought you were in time to come back and manipulate him more … he struggled and did so much sacrifices as a muslim background to let it all go. He did a lot flips for me yes because i was WORTH it, because of an experience of an excort duty. Escorts are the best at what they do, i give you that trophy. 🏆

Im just simply someone he hid his love for from the world not to post ( match ) lol you will only post to damaged whats a important to him. When u figure how much he loves and protects me you resolute to posts and blah blah you know best i give you that too 🏆. You posted to hurt him and revenge him.. only because he dont love as you thought he did in 2014. The truth the guy has sex with you wakes up panicking with your face around him. Didn’t you notice? Not because your that ugly because you not his cup of tea! Lol And ur hair is long but thin.. dont even look good to say that about a female like me.

The point is froggy, is not to get comfortable and worry about gifts and flowers. Is to get uncomfortable and ask him to leave me 💐. That my dear will stop him manipulating you a least he’s not doing much blah blah. He will do actions… don’t always believe words i believe actions little bit more…

I do my part i don’t believe in his words of nagging about money, work stress blah blah i believe in actions how much he’s done and doing for me and the kiddos. I don’t always believe words.

One more last thing, for god sake stop smelling my scent on him and have standards for god sake my kids have them they dont share their candy or toys, whats theirs is theirs, who am i to say that tof a person that shops at savers.

The end…

[crymea-river]

4/26/2024

leap years are for remembering

god sometimes i read the things i used to write on here or even in my old journals and i cringe (for lack of a better word) at how seriously i was taking things. this page is such a time capsule. i love it, im glad ive documented my feelings over the years but it makes me feel… weird. nostalgia is so interesting.

im having a really good and also strange time with (what i assume is) my adult brain. good bc i can trust my judgement better than i have ever been able to; things just make sense in an innate way now, a way that i struggle describe. strange bc i feel like i know myself less than i ever have but also way more than i ever have at the same time ? im the same person i was at 11 and 12 and 13 and 17 and 18 and 22, and its so crazy to me how different all these ages felt but theyre all me. they didnt really go anywhere, theyre all still inside me. i remember being 22 and still feeling relatively connected to my high-school-self but then just 2 years later i felt decades removed from her. and now i feel decades removed from my 22-year-old-self. the way i would reminisce on 2016 in 2020 is how im reminiscing on 2020 now. lol leap years are for remembering, i guess.

ive found myself reverting back to a lot of things i used to do and enjoy in adolescence. lots of silly topical things, like using pantene instead of all these expensive hair products ive tried over the years. i loved the way it made my hair smell back then and it made it so soft and who cares if it coats my hair in silicon or whatever ill just clarify it every few weeks itll be fine. im also finally letting myself enjoy things from back then that i was afraid to fully embrace for fear of being judged. thats a Huge fun part about getting older i’ve noticed, not caring what others think. id have told you back then that i didnt care about that, and on the surface i didnt. but it would get to me to some degree. i think my music taste from back then is a prime example of that (im not gonna elaborate i know what i mean).

i hope im making 11 and 12 and 13 year old me proud. and i want to tell 16 and 17 and 18 AND 19 year old me it gets better, but also to stop taking such trivial things so seriously maybe. life does not revolve around having a boyfriend (or whatever youd call those fuckers from back then). itll happen when its meant to and it will be so worth it. no one knows what they want at those ages. i barely knew what i wanted until it fell into my lap to be honest, and that only happened after i stopped yearning so hard for that shit and began TRULY enjoying my own company (and my friends’ obviously. love them). this is not where i wanted to go with this, i didnt want to talk about men. i think thats what cringes me out so bad about my old posts/entries, theyre allllllll (mostly) about bOyS. which was age appropriate i GUESS but idk it just brought me so much unnecessary stress lol. i learned eventually, and im glad i did so when i did.

all this to say im very happy. and peaceful. and i love the people i have surrounded myself with. i love being in love and i cannot describe in actual english words how thrilled i am that its with will. even 4 years into it.

being 26 is just so strange i think

[schizowitchic]

thing my mum is currently mad about: that i am not helping with the housework (ive literally been home all day with a migraine and period cramps so bad i can barely stand, as well as being exhausted bordering on sleep deprived from exams for the past week).

massive vent under the cut that goes super off topic.

tw for fatphobia and mild ableism and mentions of suicidality and poor mental health

like be more mad at my siblings who are not ill and perfectly capable of helping? before he left (hes away for the weekend) my dad was like "make sure to help ur mum this evening since im away so i cant" like hello? im literally ill at the moment. i get that my mum is super stressed and tired as well but like. right now. im literally physically ill. ive had almost ten full blown panic attacks in the past week.

ALSO ive tidied and hoovered my room, i collected wood from the shed in the garden from the fire, and changed all the hand towels over to clean ones so it's not like ive done nothing at all. ive emptied and refilled the dishwasher as well. plus whenever she's said "can you get this for me" ive gotten up to get it for her.

furthermore she hasn't asked us to do specific tasks so like. i have no idea what needs doing. im always available to do stuff if im directly asked (bc it's not like i can refuse without getting complained at all evening) so idk how im meant to telepathically know what house work she wants us to be doing. and even when we do help she always complains that we dont do it in the right way but never tells us what to do just complain about how incompetent we are

like im gonna be honest i just end up feeling less motivated to keep even my own room tidy. and that im constantly never enough for her. bc even when im sure ive done all the things i should. theres always something else i shouldve known how to do, or that bc ive never done it before that somehow erases that ive made process

for example she's always on at me about shaving and washing my face and etc. and like. im mentally ill. it is such a struggle to get up and get clean each day. and i was super proud of the fact that i now manage to clean my face at least once a day every day now. but that's not enough for her is it "you should be washing your face twice a day". and i was like "but surely one is better than the none it was before" and she just gave me a look like i was being ridiculous. and she's always on at me about shaving hair from my legs, getting rid of hair on my face and my back. i never was selfconscious about my appearance until she said i would be bullied for having hair, until she used the words "rolls of fat" to describe my stomach, until she said the slight bulges on the back of a dress were unflattering and would make people bully me, until she said that i needed to lose weight and exercise more. (for context on how ridiculously fatphobic this is. im skinny. i have high metabolism. but that's not enough for her)

the worst part is that she has no idea how harmful this stuff is. she thinks this is how to show she cares. that she's doing it for us. to the point where i feel bad putting this rant out onto the internet where like 5 people will see it. but then. just bc i know she loves me doesnr mean i feel like im loved.

like. im not even allowed to be tired or stressed without her saying how her job is so much worse so she has it so much worse (not like she witnessed my mental breakdown aged 15 not like she's accompanied me to mental health appointments for anxiety). we both had covid at the same time and whenever i was like "damn i feel like shit" well guess who felt like even more shit? and she always says how we get more days off if we're sick and it's like. you control how many sick days you have. plus she'll complain about how she never gets to rest and stuff but like i see her resting???? and also. im expected to still help out if we've gone on a long hike all day (i have severe joint pain) but im meant to be able to continue past that and not let it stop me

also neither her or my dad will say the word autism. it's always "neurodivergent" "neurodiverse" (why i not always a fan of "neurodivergent traits are x") they won't tell my siblings i cant discuss my pending diagnosis with them in front of my siblings like it's some bad thing that needs to be hidden. bro its just autism.

idk my main issue is that she complains about how i sit around on my phone/reading and it's like. well. do you even know how much i have to distract myself to stay alive. but she's really fucking annoying when she's concerned for my wellbeing (like toxic positivity. meditate do yoga solve all your problems type shit). lmao whatever whatever im going to uni this year

[anime-grimmy]

(possibly some spoilers)

Lets start out with Paya

Can I just say how freaking proud I am of her. Like, I never rly thought much about her in BOTW, but I did find her really endearing. But now seeing her grown up, more confident and as the Sheikah chieftain, and not to mention being able to talk to men and LINK, man, I am so damn proud of my girl.

I see her as a caretaker figure and a bit of a people pleaser, which was already evident in BOTW, but this definitely translates in her position as newly appointed chieftain. In her diary we see how she kinda struggled when Impa just pushed the title onto her and peaced out, and also how she is now determined to be an active leader and interact with her people, which also expands to the Zonai Survey Team while they’re in Kakariko. I do feel the potential for a burnout saga for her, like, trying to prove herself and getting way too into the role of caretaker. But we know from her diary that everyone in Kakariko stands behind her, so I think she’ll be fine in the end.

I think Paya would love to be close friends with Zelda and maybe Riju, as all three of them are young women in a position of power, yet still cant manage to fill those shoes quite yet, tho Riju among them the best Id think. We see that Paya develops quite an interest in the Zonai language while trying to help out, so Id think she and Zelda even have that innate curiosity in common. Tho, if her glorifying Link from all of Impa’s tales was bad, then it must be even worse with Zelda. I can see Paya really wanting to bond with her, but she reveres Zelda as such a mythological figure, she just cant bring herself to do it.

Tho, also speaking of Zelda, I can see her being quite the object of jealousy for Paya. Need I remind you how huge her crush on Link was and how it seemingly still lingers even now. Now imagine Paya when she sees the legendary hero get flustered around the princess. Im not even talking through a ZeLink perspective here, I just mean that there had to be an adjustment period when Link was still trying to figure out how to act around Zelda. We know from dialogues and texts that Link never left Zelda’s side in the time period between BOTW and TOTK, and Im sure Link and Zelda had to first find even ground before they got as comfy with each other as we see at the start of TOTK. So, I can totally see Paya being just a bit jealous when Zelda hogs all of Link’s attention (even when not intentionally). Now, I wonder if that jealousy could come back when another prominent guy in her life runs straight to Zelda to share some new thoughts on the Zonai…

Tho, ngl, Zelda - Paya - Tauro Zonai study group would be a blast.

Now on to the big boy himself, the ever elusive Tauro:

I find it so interesting that this guy gets his own portrait and all and we only have like, one quest with him. I feel robbed, I wanna know more bout him.

We do know Tauro is from Lurelin, though, I cant imagine he has been there in a long time. I mean, (spoilers for sidequest) Lurelin was absolutely decimated by pirates and every other person you find from Lurelin tells you this. Tho, they also were all displaced from Lurelin, so it makes sense, but still. Id have loved for Link to tell Tauro this and that he shows some care for his home village.

Though, that brings me to my other point, his childhood, or rather, his heritage. This dude is in no way a normal Hylian. This guy has like, twice the mass of any other person in Lurelin! He has no fish, rock or bird attributes, so he sure isnt a Zora, Goron or Rito. I have seen people speculate that at least one of his parents is either a Gerudo, cos of the height and abs, or a Yiga, because he basically has the physique of a Blademaster and some white hair. I personally subscribe to the idea that one parent of his was a Yiga. Not only cos of the physique and such, but also cos that makes me think that maybe the Lurelin parent of his traveled a lot with Tauro as not to endanger the other villagers.

Id like to believe that this is also the source of Tauro’s fascination with other cultures, especially ancient ones like the Zonai. I can see him be very interested in the Sheikah/Yiga tales his parent told him, maybe he even had a big fascination with how Hyrule used to be before the Calamity, which, through his travels, then ended with him unearthing something about the Zonai and becoming absolutely HOOKED.

His chara portrait literally states that Zelda found him digging through Zonai ruins, and I cant imagine he did that only after the calamity was gone. This man for sure has no fucking self preservation. He digs through any ruins he finds barehanded, no matter how hazardous, hence why his hands look absolutely fucked. The first few times I saw him I hadnt even noticed that he had visible scars, but when I walked passed him, I caught the scars on his arms. You dont see many characters with many evident scars, and if Nintendo points them out, then Immma fucking roll with it. So, this dude ran from Guardians on a regular and he has the scars to prove it.

Now, you cant just give me a character who hides his face like that and not expect me to think he’s hiding something. Way before I thought of Tauro as part Sheikah/Yiga, I was like, his hair has to have some other reason than age for being white in some parts. So, Tauro gets a big ass scar on his face cos while he dug through ruins, man activated some kind of mechanism and either Sheikah or Zonai tech exploded in his face.

Last but not least, let me ramble about their relationship:

At first, I did actually not ship them. Heck, at first I did not even NOTICE Tauro. I got to Kakariko rather late game, so when I walked into it, saw Paya’s hair and the big Impa hat, I got so excited by the prospect she might have been the chief I did not even see Tauro. Only when he got his name card I was like “Oh, OH…oh, hey, hows it going :)”

And truth be told, my brain, for once, did not immediately go ship mode with them. But, then you had them compliment each other a lot, work together, Paya being comfortable around a half naked man and especially the way Tauro says “And then she did the smart thing and immediately contacted the Zonai Survey Team... The chieftain sure is amazing.”, dude, I couldnt help but ship them in the end.

And really, it’s cos their relationship is built on respect. They think very highly of each other, which is evident through dialogue and Paya’s diary. I also think both of them have a good two way street of affirmation and compliments. They work well together and do let the other know if they did a good job. Also the shared excitement over the mystery of the Ring Ruins and learning Zonai language is just, so freaking cute.

Also, through this respect, I can also see them be good support for each other. Paya is struggling with her role as chieftain, and generally confidence, but Tauro already has seen her worth and he is sure to let her know and lift her up again. On the other end, Paya’s caretaker nature makes sure Tauro doesn’t literally run into danger and she makes sure he’s treated well if he gets hurt. She aint happy at all with what state he got his body into, so she’s gonna look out for him. Paya also showing interest in learning about the Zonai and helping out with all the Zonai stuff gives Tauro someone to geek out with or rather ramble to, but Paya is patient and willing to learn so she lets him talk as much as he wants.

I can also see Tauro be really, really interested in what the Sheikah chieftain has to share about her culture and their past, making maybe even Paya herself more interested in their lost technology.

Now, for a bit more shippy stuff, I think both of em are the exact opposite on how they show affection. Funnily, while Tauro also doesn’t hide how highly he thinks of Paya, I do see him more as a touchy feely guy. I can just see him thrown in a quick side hug or pat on the back, and he totally is the kinda guy that always lays his hand on your back. Like, he leans down to say something to Paya, hand on her back. They both leave somewhere, he opens the door, hand on her back. He gives her encouraging words, hand on her back.

Though, at the same time, any kind of intimate touch makes him kinda nervous, just cos his head was always six feet under looking for ancient relics, so anything more heartfelt than a good natured pat gets him flustered.

For Paya, she already had the tendency to hide behind her hands and ramble back in BOTW and I think that still carries over now. She’s too shy and jumpy most of the time to initiate physical affection, so she makes her feelings known through increasingly flustered and panicky rambles. Tauro finds it very endearing.

Though, when things get serious and she has to deliver her thoughts and feelings clearly, she can talk without blushing and with determination.

Tauro would totally be her hype man, mostly though in the way he’d hype her up and do the stuff she really wants. Like the thing Ive talked about earlier with how Paya wants to be friends with Zelda and Riju. Paya is just standing a few feet away, fidgeting around, not being able to bring herself to approach them. Then Tauro comes outta nowhere, hypes her with how great she is and manages to convince her to bite the bullet and try.

This is also the reason why I say Tauro is showing his feelings through actions, cos Id think he can just ramble like 20 compliments in a sentence, so he’d have to find other means to genuinely convey his feelings. He can totally get Paya flustered though when he just tells her how great she is in never ending variations.

Tauro is super rambly in many ways and at some point Paya just figures out ways to shut him up quickly without being rude or making herself flustered. She just gotta take his hand and give him a certain smile and his words just drizzle out and he sheepishly rubs his neck. Paya just finds many small ways to get him just nervous or flustered enough his train of thought interrupts but dont make him uncomfortable.

Well, thank god I got that out, hopefully I can now focus long enough to throw together sth. Those two still live rent free in my head for now and I do have some very funny comics planned still.

You know, I actually did make myself an upload schedule, but I already promised myself to finally post that Trigun comic Ive been pushing back on Sunday, but at the same time I gotta drop this or Imma not be able to concentrate on that paper I hafta write til Monday.

And, so, here we are, my Paya and Tauro headcanons post cos my brain went into overdrive again. These two just fit perfectly in that “Important enough characters to get some background info and feel for their personality, but literally leaves enough open to just dump thousands of hcs on them” category. So, yeah, after thinking and flashing them out in my mind a lot, and eventually thinking about their relationship, made me think up a looooot.

Long rambling will be in a reblog

btw, leave doggie name suggestions