#i basically refused to learn anything about this game ahead of time bc i already knew i was gonna play it

[gamingofkenna]

I only played the first two hours of Disco Elysium tonight and I would die for Kim Kitsuragi

[bluebeetle]

Tell me about your dnd ocs

oroooook super late on this sorry, as i said, computer troubles have been plaguing me and continue to do so

oook so the last image i posted that prompted this was mostly of a friends character but mine from the same game was in the corner, who is also the guy in my header:

(Art by @herobrushreplica !!)

anyways his name is Nico (short for Nicolas) and he’s a dhampir since we use a lot of homebrew, and also a ranger. so yeah he uses dueling and has some healing spells bc we are dumb and didnt plan ahead and had like no healers..... and also can turn into a bat

also hes the poor neutral good in a sea of chaotics (and one lawful good) 

He was kind of pre-existing prior to this but i expanded a bit more. anyways im lazy so ill copy-paste what i had written up already:

backstory:

A half-vampire born to a vampire hunter who's love was turned into a creature of the night as an act of revenge from a powerful vampire lord. The couple did not part nor kill each other like expected, however, and Nicolas (Nico for short) was born from this union. Raised in the art of fighting monsters and other creatures of the night, Nico learned how to use both ranged and melee weapons. He was brought up learning how all monsters--including more humanoid creatures such as Orcs, Vampire and Tieflings--were evil and it was the duty of his family to protect those in need from them.

 However, he grew up battling with his vampiric side. His father telling Nico that he was to never reveal it to anyone unless necessary, while his mother assured him he was an amazing creature, and one of good rather than evil. His relationship with his father was rocky, made worse whenever any of Nico's traits showed. He grew up unsure of his destiny, instead focusing solely on the wishes of his parents, and keeping himself distant from other people. 

 However, this was not to last forever, as while Nico aged normally until he reached 25, it seem became clear that like his mother, he was ageless. After the death of his father, Nico's mother left to sleep away her grief, leaving him alone. Nico left to travel the land, hoping to help those in trouble--occasionally for a cost--and find his way. He has a hard time opening up and trusting people, but is quick to become attached and affectionate regardless. He is plagued by feelings of doubt and uncertainty over his heritage and morality, wondering if what his father has taught him about different races is true or not. He worries about his vampire side coming out and harming people--even if he can survive on normal food and animal blood. His heritage is not something he reveals easily--as he has experienced plenty of blacklash for being a dhampir in the past.

 When it comes to taking action, he either impulsively acts, emotion taking over (often his temper) or overthinks, leaving him hesitant and confused. He's easily flustered and confused, wanting to help people and be in their company while also pushing them away in fear of them hating him for being what he is. He is bad at confrontation with authority figures, often instead going behind their backs. His main goal is to find his place in life, to chase away his feelings of loneliness and abandonment and feel assured in his morality and existence, in his choices. Or, at the very least, better understand himself.

He can survive on normal foods and animal blood, but would die if unable to eat any meat. Human blood is still tempting to him. He works best with melee weapons but has skills with the bow and whip. proficiency: arcana,athletics, perception, investigation,  survival

Personality Traits

*I judge people by their actions, not their words.

* If someone is in trouble, I’m always ready to lend help. I don’t talk about the thing that torments me.

* I’d rather not burden others with my curse. I expect danger around every corner.

* I refuse to become a victim, and I will not allow others to be victimized. I put no trust in divine beings.

* I live for the thrill of the hunt.

 Ideals:

*I try to help those in need, no matter what the personal cost. (Good) 

*I kill monsters to make the world a safer place, and to exorcise my own demons. (Good) 

 Bonds:

*I protect those who cannot protect themselves. 

*A terrible guilt consumes me. I hope that I can find redemption through my actions. 

*There’s evil in me, I can feel it. It must never be set free. 

 Flaws

*The people who knew me when I was young know my shameful secret, so I can never go home again.

* have trouble trusting in my allies. 

*I feel no compassion for the dead. They’re the lucky ones.

so yeah edgy vampire oc... but i love him. most of it ends up with everyone being well chaotic and him trying to keep some semblance of order so they can actually reach their goal but usually its. a mess. but its fun. 

my other one ive used once so i dont have anything for her but shes an aarakocra  monk named Zeera! and is Chaotic good and basically just a vehicle for me to be like “ahah what bird behaviour would be funny in this situation”. also her look is based on ornate hawk-eagles bc theyre pretty

Backstory:

Once part of the guardsmen for her tribe, Zeera has since decided she wants to see more of the world. She used to be a soldier, and has medical knowledge. She left the guardsmen, though, tired of horrible commanders. Just one problem: growing up so isolated from other races combined with general bird behaviour, means she tends to stick out as a ditsy trouble maker. 

She takes anything shiny and doesn’t really understand many social concepts such as ownership. But she does understand fighting, oh boy does she. Somewhat childish in personality, acts very birdlike. Aggressive.

Personality Traits

*I enjoy being strong and like breaking things. I face problems head-on. 

*A simple, direct solution is the best path to success.

Ideals

*Independence. When people follow orders blindly, they embrace a kind of tyranny. (Chaotic) 

*Greater Good. Our lot is to lay down our lives in defense of others. (Good)

Bonds

*Those who fight beside me are those worth dying for.

Flaws

*I have little respect for anyone who is not a proven warrior.

*I’d rather eat my armor than admit when I’m wrong.

[firebirdsdaughter]

Don't worry, I'm glad you answered me, although personally I don't think Jin and Horobi's relationship is a lie, if they did, it would be like spitting on viewers' faces, because I don't know if I'm wrong, but what increased Jin and Horobi's popularity was their relationship, maybe this will have some effect on Horobi in the future so that he can voluntarily free himself from Ark, maybe there is mind control or something like what Ark did to Horobi.

Oh, I’m hoping it’s not, exactly bc of that, but I’m also just in a very down mood right now bc of… A lot of things. And I really don’t trust the writers.

Also, even if they do try to act like their relationship is still the same… The events of this ep cast some very weird implications, namely that it very much still comes across as Jin throwing Horobi under the bus, and very nonchalantly, too. And I really don’t see how that could lead to Horobi breaking free of the Ark any easier. In fact, if anything, seems the Ark literally body jacking him would make that harder. Like, I refuse to consider Horobi responsible for the fact that he was hacked by a powerful, homicidal satellite made to control HumaGear and has no concept of free will. I don’t think we’ve seen a single HumaGear reach that kind of breakthrough on their own, even when they didn’t have all that working against him. He shouldn’t have to, nor is it reasonable to expect him to, do this on his own. Sorry, but saying ‘Horobi needs to break free on his own’ really upsets me. He is being kept in a place where he is incapable of doing that. He needs someone to reach out and help him and talk him through it. I was hoping that was part of Jin’s goal, but this implies that he’s not particularly bothered w/ that, and bc of how much I love Horobi and what he has come to mean to me, that really upsets me.

One of the less unpleasant ways I can see it going is that Jin is just… Very not good at subterfuge, and is trying to rise the Ark to destroy it and just, did not think his words through on all levels? Like, I’m cool w/ Horobi not being Jin’s ‘central’ singularity point, esp for Jin, singularity seems to be triggered by a bunch of things together, Horobi can still be important to him and still be a part of who he is w/out necessarily being the ‘central’ thing. I can see Jin trying to outwit the Ark by not telling the whole truth or something. But the choice to have him say Horobi, esp when he must know the Ark is already suspicious and testy w/ him… Is just… A terrible decision. I think I said it before, but it’s like painting a target on Horobi’s back for a homicidal satellite, and doesn’t feel like something Jin would do if he genuinely cared about Horobi. Like… It’s esp jarring after the way he rushed to get Horobi away when Aruto faltered in ep 35, and who had that fond smile when Horobi was working through his thoughts. I think I made a whole post about how I think they should have used another ‘trick’ if that were the case. Bc this either makes it look like Jin doesn’t much care about Horobi, or that he’s just really, really, really terrible at judging personalities and foreseeing consequences. Like… It just feels really ridiculous. There was many a way he could have answered that wouldn’t paint a target on Horobi’s back, to which the Ark could still have reacted this way, and it wouldn’t feel like Jin pointed her right at Horobi.

I’m honestly hoping that he gets a ‘what have I done?’ realisation in the next episode, and I really hope that having the Ark take possession of Horobi was not the intention (even though if it wasn’t, then someone needs to have a long talk w/ Jin about consequences and being a horrible judge of the dangers of homicidal satellites).

But one thing I have realised, after all that ranting, is that we would never have seen this had COVID not happened and they had to stop production and the slowly fill in. So it’s entirely possible that this was a poor call on the part of the writers throwing this ep together in a bit of a hurry. I mean, presumably they had planned for what happens next ep to happen anyway, even w/out this, and the game plan was merely ‘the Ark steals everyone else’s data and then possesses Horobi and Jin is upset’ (he’d better be upset); maybe that was going to be th intention of that still I posted before. Like, him plotting against the Ark is cool, even working w/ someone, and I can see the Ark going after Horobi to get at Jin even w/out that. So hopefully things and their relationship will steady out next ep (well… As in, Jin will actually be upset that the Ark has body jacked Horobi and will want to save him). Like… They write eps long in advance… Presumably 36 was written well before 35 aired. I don’t know the exact time table, but they have to write them long enough before for the actors to learn their lines and for them to film, and they’re usually filming about five or so eps ahead… So I’m wondering if some of the implications I’m looking at were ever meant to come up, and whether this really going to be a big ‘thing’ down the line… I dunno.

And I went off again. ^^; But basically, I hope they’re not doing that, bc it would be stomping on the fans, but I also really draw the line at implying Horobi needs to just ‘break free’ on his own. It’s not like he’ll just be able to think about it one day and be like ‘today I have decided to not be hacked anymore.’ There’s nothing ‘voluntary’ about anything in Horobi’s life except the one time he protected Jin completely on his own. He’s literally under mind control, and soon he’s going to be essentially possessed. That’s not something you can just ‘voluntarily break free of.’ We have not seen anyone break free of the Ark w/out help… Actually, we haven’t seen anyone break free of the ark w/out dying somehow. Naki was disconnected after being shutdown somehow during Daybreak, Horobi and Jin were both disconnected after dying once. Some would likely have gone for Raiden had he not be revived by the Ark herself. It’s just not that easy, and it’s not his fault that it’s not.

[the-quiet-winds]

Make a Move Just to Stay in the Game (part one)

oh look, it’s jules, back on her au.

what can i say, i love this thing so much. @ichlugebulletsandcornnuts and i have worked so hard on it and it’s practically took on a life of its own, so here’s installment three, a bit more soft, but there is definitely some not soft in there too. featuring awesome new character!

i’m going to link my masterpost, so if you’re new, you can go back and read the whole au from the start, which is called hold onto me, you’re all i have.

so yeah! this one is four parts, all a bit short bc otherwise they’d be really long.

[Part 1: Feelin’ My World Start to Turn]

as ward of the queen, katherine was now above her former colleagues in rank, which brought its own challenges and benefits in turn. she still spends most of her time with jane, but she suddenly realises she has a lot more free time where she doesn’t have anything to do now her lady-in-waiting duties had been removed. what she also realises, however, is that she’s rather unprepared for royal life. she’s not the only person who’s noticed, either; on one day, she overhears two courtiers saying some less than pleasant things about her, mostly along the lines that she’s a stupid, uneducated girl who doesn’t know the first thing about being nobility. it hurts to hear those things about her and it sticks in her mind that evening as her and jane sit by the fireplace, jane embroidering and katherine lost in her own world.

“mum?” katherine says very suddenly, and jane glances over at her.

“yes, love?”

katherine pauses a moment before speaking hesitantly. “what kinds of things are ladies of my rank supposed to know?”

jane was obviously not expecting that question. she looks taken aback for a moment, before her brows furrow together and she looks off at the wall.

“well princesses generally have very well-rounded educations.” she thinks for a moment. “arithmetic, history, studies of trade and geography, a language of some sort...” she trails off. “why do you ask, love?”

katherine looks ashamed, but can’t bring herself to lie. “just some things some people were saying earlier.” she shrugs. “that i wasn’t smart enough, stuff like that.” she tries to sound nonchalant, but the words really did hurt. she wanted to be enough for jane.

“oh, love,” jane frowns. “you’re definitely smart enough-”

“but i don’t know a lot of those things,” katherine admits. “i don’t know any other languages, i barely studied any geography, and i’ve never had an arithmetic lesson in my life.” she shrugs slightly, looking embarrassed. “they only taught us to read and write, and things like dancing and-” she stops before she can mention music; it’s not something she wants to think about right now. “there’s so much I don’t know.”

jane can’t entirely argue with katherine. she knows that the girl didn’t have the easiest go, but she never contemplated katherine’s education, or lack thereof.

“what about a tutor, love?” jane suggests. “i’ll bring in some one in to teach you these things. there are plenty of noblemen that would-“

she sees katherine’s face change in that instant, from a curious excitement to immediate fear. it takes her a moment, but she works out the cause.

“or a noblewoman?”

jane’s last words almost take katherine by surprise, as if she hadn’t realised that could be an option. “do... do you think there’s an educated woman who’d want to teach me?” she asks, slightly shyly. jane nods.

“i’m sure there are. I can ask around; I know several of the court have connections to educated circles, and i’m sure i could arrange a tutor to come to court to teach you - if that’s something you’d like, of course. it’s completely up to you, love.”

katherine smiles, not all that confidently but smiles nonetheless. “i’d like that a lot,” she admits shyly. jane grins brightly.

“of course, love, i’ll look into it.”

jane does her thorough research, and one name comes up again and again, one catherine parr.

catherine parr is a humanist, a woman who has written her own book, and by all accounts has a kind but scholarly temperament. from her research, jane discovers that catherine parr and her husband had fallen out of favour with the king a few years back, but recently had been forgiven. by lucky coincidence her husband, John Neville (or Latimer, as most referred to him as) was at court visiting and jane manages to get a letter to him, asking for the services of his wife to tutor lady katherine, ward to the queen consort of england. the letter was more of a formality; with the latimers only just coming back into favour, they must have thought it would be unwise of them to refuse jane’s request, although jane of course wouldn’t do anything to them if they did refuse.

catherine, upon meeting the ward, gave off an air of confidence, unwavering in her sense of self.

she doesn’t even curtsy to katherine.

she bows. long and low.

“it’s an honor to meet you, lady katherine,” she says formally yet genuinely.

katherine looks confused for a moment, before returning a curtsey and smiling slightly. “likewise, lady parr.”

parr waves a hand. “no formalities needed, please.”

katherine smiles wider. she likes her new tutor already.

their first lesson is the day after parr arrives at court. katherine is slightly nervous but mostly excited; she’s always liked learning, and she’s determined to prove to everyone else and herself that she’s smart enough to be good enough. parr greets her with a smile, sat on one side of a small table, and katherine takes the chair opposite her. there’s some books stacked on the floor next to the table and an ink pot and quill next to several sheets of paper.

“today is just finding out what you know, to give me a better idea of where to start off,” parr explains. “please, remember i’m not here to judge you, and if you do not know something then you shouldn’t feel ashamed. that’s what these lessons are for, after all.”

katherine shyly nods. the edge of parr’s lips twitch up in a half-smile as katherine picks up the quill and looks to her earnestly.

“tell me all that you know about christopher columbus’ endeavor to the new world,” parr instructs. she picks up a book and begins to thumb through as katherine writes as much as she can. she fills just over one sheet before she’s finished, striking a line across and looking back to parr.

“explain what you can about the salt trade.”

this question katherine can hardly manage a few lines on; the education she’d had never taught her anything about trade. that was for men, and they hadn’t thought it necessary to tell a girl anything about it. she desperately tries to drum up anything else she could possibly think of on it but gives up with a sigh,  cheeks flushing slightly. to her surprise, parr doesn’t comment, simply asking her to write a list of any wars the english had taken part in. question after question parr asks her until the paper has been filled up and katherine’s hand is starting to cramp from writing. parr takes the papers and offers katherine a kind smile.

“thank you. you may take a break while I read your responses, or if you’d prefer you can get a start on reading this.” she takes a book from the stack on the floor and places it in front of katherine. ‘UTOPIA - by thomas more’ the book reads, and katherine flips it open curiously.

“i wouldn’t worry about the more technical elements of more’s prose yet,” parr tells her. “the first read through i just want you to understand the basics.”

“um,” katherine interrupts quietly, blushing bright red. “i’m sorry, i can’t read this.”

the book was all in a different language. katherine wasn’t sure, but she’d guess it was latin. parr looks slightly surprised.

“i wasn’t told you didn’t know latin,” she says, and katherine internally berates herself for seeming stupid in front of her new tutor, but then parr smiles. “oh, you have a wonderful time ahead of you. latin is hard work, but you’ll learn to translate the most beautiful works of poetry and prose. i just have to adjust my lesson plans slightly.”

with their remain few hours before breaking for lunch, parr begins the latin lessons. she finds herself holding back many surprised smiles as just how quickly katherine is picking up the language, finding verb conjugations and basic sentence structure a piece of cake.

just after noon jane quietly knocks and pokes her head around the door. “is this a bad time?” she asks, seeing both women hunched over their papers.

parr looks up and smiles. “not at all, your majesty, come in.”

she crosses to katherine, who had yet to look up from her concentrated writing. she jumps slightly when jane lays a gentle arm around her shoulders, but quickly relaxes into the hold.

“how goes it, love?” jane asks, kissing katherine’s forehead.

katherine practically beams with a sort of quiet pride. “good, i think!” she sends a quick glance to parr for confirmation and parr nods, laughing slightly.

“more than good, i’d say. lady katherine has a remarkable aptitude for languages, your majesty. i’ve been thoroughly impressed.”

katherine lights up at the praise and jane grins at her, pride welling up in her chest.

“that’s fantastic, love.”

parr finishes jotting down a few notes before setting down her quill and shaking out her wrists.

“that should do it for now, lady katherine. we’ll reconvene in one hour?”

jane looks at her questioningly. “won’t you be joining us for lunch, lady parr?”

parr turns confused. “i suppose i was under the impression that-“

“oh, dear,” jane laughs slightly, “you simply must have lunch with us, right kat?” the girl nods enthusiastically, standing up. jane smiles again. “besides, i’d like a full report on how my little scholarly lady is doing.” she nudges katherine lightly in the ribs.

parr smiles gently. “well, in that case, i humbly accept your invitation.”

“wonderful,” jane claps her hands together. “i’m ready to hear about everything you’ve been working on.”

during lunch, katherine is incredibly chatty, practically unable to stop talking about the things she had learnt in the past few hours. she proudly recites some verb conjugations for jane, who offers a round of applause at the end, laughing slightly at her daughter’s childish glee at learning something new. parr chips in every so often to remind katherine of something or to voice her own praises.

jane feels pride rise in her very quickly, leaving her heart so full she can barely stand it.

parr excuses herself a few minutes early to get everything ready for the afternoon, and, as soon as she’s gone, jane pulls katherine into her arms, lightly kissing her temple.

“i’m already so proud of you, love,” she murmurs. “i know you’ll just continue to impress me.”

katherine smiles into her shoulder and hugs jane tightly. “thank you,” she says softly, “for giving me the chance.”

jane pulls back slightly, resting her hands on katherine’s shoulders. “and how are you finding your new tutor? she seems very nice.”

“she’s amazing!” katherine grins. “she didn’t get annoyed at me once and she explains everything so well.”

it warms jane’s heart to hear that katherine likes her new tutor, and it amazes her how much difference jane can see from the shy little girl who became her lady-in-waiting several months ago.

“i’m glad to hear that, love,” jane says quietly.

the grand clock in the corner chimes one strong note and falls silent, and katherine looks at jane almost a little sadly.

“back to it, kat,” jane gently instructs. she kisses katherine’s forehead. the girl had grown like a weed since they had first met; katherine used to barely hit jane’s nose, now they were exactly eye level. too much longer and katherine would be taller than jane herself.

she’s snapped out of her reverie by katherine saying goodbye. jane smiles, squeezing both of her hands gently.

“go keep making me proud, love.”

katherine blushes and dashed from the room, not wanting to keep parr waiting too long.

the woman is there waiting at the table when she enters.

“ready to continue?”

[cielleduciel]

I have some sensitive questions, and you totally don’t need to answer if they’re too much, but here they are. Did you ever struggle w internal homophobia? If so, how did you manage to overcome it?? And my last question: any tips for softly breaking it to Albanian parents? I know people are individuals but its still the same culture so..

• Same anon as before!! I am an 18-year-old girl that was born and raised in the US. Thank you so much, and take as much time as you need to answer.

• I would also like to add that I’ve struggled with this for a pretty long time now (since I was around 12), so it’s not like I realized my preferences just recently. For years I’ve been telling myself that it’s just a phase or I’m just starved of affection (so I’m looking for it in the wrong place) or that I just haven’t met the right guy yet. I feel disgusted with myself, and it’s very tiring and emotionally consuming. Add in my Albanian relatives on top of it, and I’m just done with it all.

thanks for your patience anon, this last week’s been a bit hectic for me

first off i’m flattered by that first question, bc i was the most self-hating repressed closet gay i knew. i started off as that kid that was like “i don’t have a problem with gay people i just don’t think they should get married and i hate it when they ‘act’ gay”. i went through three boyfriends and two different sexual orientations before i finally accepted i was a lesbian, which took me until april of last year. so if that’s hard to imagine then i know i’m doing good for myself, and maybe it can give you some reassurance too

tbh i don’t think any of us can ever actually avoid or stop struggling with internalized homophobia, given that we’re all inundated with those messages every day in big or small ways. i think at best i just learned how to stop listening to it so much. it took me a really long time though and honestly at your age you’re already way ahead of me than i was, the questions you’re asking yourself now are ones i couldn’t bear to face even in my early 20s

my personal struggle has been very much connected to my family and growing up as a 1½-gen albanian immigrant. if your family and upbringing are anything like mine, then you might understand, and they’re probably just as closely related to your struggle as well. don’t take what i say here as gospel since this is all from personal experience and i’m not even 100% where i want to be yet. but i know how lonely it is for us out there, so i’ll try to be as real with you as i can without getting too personal (idk if this readmore will work on mobile so my apologies and just scroll down really fast @ anyone not reading this)

first thing: don’t be in a rush to tell your parents, even if you’re an adult, and especially if you’re still dependent on them. i assume you’re asking for tips because you already know or have reason to suspect that they won’t take it well. and if you’re still struggling to accept yourself, your parents’ & relatives’ opinions are the last thing you need to be worrying about right now (i know easier said than done we’re albanian i Understand but like. trust me)

second: i really think learning how to stop listening to that internalized homophobia is just a slow process of learning to normalize your feelings in opposition to it. truly the most important thing i did for myself was surround myself with other bi/lesbian women as a way to counter everything else in my life that was telling me to hate myself. the key here is that i did that for years. the logic goes like this: if my world was already and will always be filled with heteronormativity and homophobia, then to fight it, i needed a space i could come back to that’s filled with what i needed to see and could make it feel as normal as i logically knew it was

i didn’t have the freedom to reach out to others IRL so i sought out bi/lesbian women online and immersed myself in those communities. i filled my online spaces with people like me who could show me every day that what i was feeling was genuine, normal, healthy, whole, positive, and worth embracing. when i really began to internalize that, self-confidence and assurance just kind of naturally followed, which made it easier to shout down and ignore the Internalized Homophobia Gremlin in my brain

another thing too, and this’ll sound silly. idk if you’re into video games but they were also a big part of my normalization process. i love role-playing games and for years i used them as a private, risk-free, judgment-free way to “experiment” with women and allow my feelings to “run free” after repressing/ignoring them for so long. i personally know other LGBT people who discovered themselves in similar ways (through DnD, for example). something to consider if that’s your thing. but media of all kinds can be powerful normalizing tools too, if you can find decent ones to your liking 

i had to be really patient and gentle with myself though, and you’ll have to be too bc there really is no quick fix, we’re up against years of internalizing this crap since we were born, basically. do whatever you need to fight against it though, bc there is literally, objectively, nothing wrong with you. you deserve to be happy just as you are, you deserve love and to be able to find it with another woman, and remember you’re never alone in this even if it feels like you are. i think that’s the most powerful reminder

back around to your last question, worry about coming out to your parents when you’re on more solid ground, bc it doesn’t sound like you are rn. everyone’s parents are different but as a general rule i’ve found that when trying to broach a difficult subject, you really need to have your back up against a point that you refuse to budge on, and plant yourself there. you can negotiate or make arguments around it but you need that one point that you’re absolutely sure of where you’ll always hold your ground

in coming out to them, that point needs to be your identity and everything attached to it, so your confidence and sense of self need to be as solid and unmoving as a fucking mountain so that they can’t dig into you and undermine your conviction. esp bc tbh it’s entirely likely that you’ll have to have that conversation several times. so that’s why i stress working on yourself first. for your own sake, don’t jump the gun on this

also, it’ll be much easier on you if you’re not always stuck under the same roof, or at least not totally dependent on them. and i know that’s tough and complicated because a lot of us never truly “move out”, per se, and it’s normal for us to stay with our parents/family for a very long time. but if you can find a way, arrange something with friends, etc., i find it really helps with your general confidence to know you have somewhere else you can go unconditionally, without restrictions. and i don’t mean “rush to move out as soon as you can”, bc like i said, i know that’s hard on us for many reasons and it may hurt you more than you think it will. but if it’s a point you can get to eventually, it does help

after all this, if/when you eventually do decide to come out, i recommend you tell only one of your parents at first. whichever one you’re closer with or find easier to talk to (i’d say ideally whoever’s the least homophobic but like. lmao). do it privately and when you’re both in a good mood. i find altogether this makes the atmosphere less confrontational and more personal, a show like you’re “confiding” in them moreso than making an announcement. depending on how it goes i think you can adjust your strategy from there 

even still, i can’t say with any confidence that it will go over well, but it’s as gentle a way to break it to them as i know. if on the very off chance you have another relative who you know is sympathetic and won’t go telling the entire rest of the family immediately, i’d say try reaching out to them first, as it’ll give you “practice” talking about it and they may be able to advise you about your own parents better than i can, as well as support you directly. but even this i would only do after you’re more confident in yourself and your identity

in the end, keep in mind that you don’t have to come out either. it’s not like a requirement for loving yourself. many of us stay closeted to our families for a very long time simply bc it’s safer, easier, and smarter wrt our situations. again, i know that’s complicated because of how tight-knit our families are traditionally, and how much we may want to remain close to them for cultural reasons. at some point it may make it difficult to hide (my mom started suspecting i liked girls before i even knew i liked girls. it was scary). but like, i’m 27 and i’m still not out to most of my family (my dad doesn’t even know). it doesn’t stop me from being a proud albanian lesbian, or from having and maintaining a happy & healthy relationship with my girlfriend. it doesn’t have to stop you either

and…. i think that’s really all i can say. sorry for taking so long and also for talking so much. i hope i could help even a little, or if not, at least offer some reassurance. it’s a good sign that you’re reaching out and trying to get a handle on your feelings, so keep at it, and remember you’re not alone out there. there are so many of us in the world living our lives and trying to build a future and support each other. i really think you’ll be fine

[clickntreat]

Can’t get a read more to work, so sorry, you’re gonna have to scroll past this whole thing if you don’t wanna read about horse training stuff 

(or just press j if you’re not on mobile)

So, more background to explain what Lady knows/what I’ve done with her so far since some have asked and for a bit of clarification. Some video has been posted and more will be posted soon too. This is concerning the behavior analysis/ training post I made last week so I’m tagging those that responded

@themotherfuckingclickerkid @clickerhorse @clickercake @mylittlehony @french-link @theclassicalhorse @spanishequestrian

(I hope I didn’t miss anyone?) and @anyone else who is interested/wants to help: As far as NH stuff, (skip this paragraph if not relevant to what you meant you needed to know? kinda long. it covers about 8 years of our lives. I summarize at the end of this paragraph with a tl;dr anyways) taught her the typical groundwork stuff like backing up and moving hind and forequarters away from pressure via direct pressure applied to her sides/chest/nose as well as those “mean looks” backed up by waving sticks around aggressively and hitting if she was unresponsive and wiggling the rope and whatnot. “Desensitizing” to swinging the whip around, ropes tossed around her, plastic bag, being touched everywhere, etc. and the NH version of “lunging” / “lunging for respect” (ugh). Did the whole join up thing, spent some time using John Lyons stuff which inspired me to teach her to set herself up at the mounting block (kinda) uh… then my journey took me to Parelli so did the basics of his games, which taught her somewhat to target things (I used this to actually get them to allow me to deworm them without restraints by just giving them treats first for targeting the dewormer, then for letting me stick it in their mouth further and further, etc. Went very well! Probably a key part of me beginning my clicker journey lol). She was always very laid back and very lazy, and therefore very motivated by rest, I learned to use after way too long, and also food ofc, but that was a no-no. I needed Respect from her, not to bribe her. She nearly always required at least one physical hit to get her anywhere beyond a walk, under saddle and on the ground. Under saddle, I rode in a more western fashion, and was inspired like many other little girls by Stacey Westfall’s bridleless performance, and so tried to train for that just by giving a cue to turn that required no reins (I always used outside leg to turn her away from the pressure, idk what you guys consider correct) before backing it up with a neck rein and then a direct rein. Made… some progress there. When I rode bridleless, at the best I got using -R, could get w/t/c with a whip and Lady was always willing to stop so that was no problem, but turning was basically only if she wanted to turn that way anyways. Things improved slightly when I began rewarding big efforts like attempting a jump or trotting/cantering on cue with a break or ending the session, then it reached the point she began charging at the nearest jumpable object if I asked for anything more than a walk just so she could stop. Began rewarding for not charging at a jump uncued/not rewarding an uncued jump and that helped… soon after I began clicker training..

(tl;dr she knows basic NH groundwork, and is essentially green broke with those methods, and was never very willing to cooperate/took a lot of force usually to do anything besides walk aimlessly and I don’t blame her)

Side note, also summarized at the end, I did train her to do some tricks during that NH time period, and I did train those with +R, “because they were tricks, not necessary behaviors” or whatever. Those include smiling, giving kisses, hugs, standing on a platform, striking her foot out when I did to train spanish walk (never got that finished), started training a bow??, which would’ve led to lay down but decided to not train that bc I was afraid she’d just start laying down to get out of work lol, I now regret training bow bc 1. I never finished it and 2. she offers it when I pick up her left foot and hold it for longer than she likes, and smiling bc she offers it sometimes when I just wanna touch her face and isn’t very impressive lol, but the others are great. The kiss is good for when she doesn’t seem to be getting what I’m asking, so I use that to kind of “restart” before trying again with a smaller step or clearer cue or something, and it and the hug are just cute af imo, and she never offers them in an aggressive or nervous way so it’s okay when she offers them off cue, I just don’t reward lol. The leg thing is especially useful. On trails or in new places, when she’s nervous, I can use it to bring her focus back on me and it calms her down very well. It also set us up for “do as I do” so she now steps forward/backward/on things with the same foot I do, which is also very useful. With another horse they might not have worked that way, but for her they’re great.

(tl;dr she knows some tricks)

Idk how to summarize the rest so no more tl;dr’s

Last summer (2016) was when I began clicker training. I spent several sessions - with all the horses actually- charging the clicker with non-mugging exercises, clicking and treating when they quit searching my bag for treats, and once that was solid, clicking for calm, head forward behavior. Once that was solid and they made it obvious they knew click=treat, I started working on other things, but not much with the other horses so just talking about Lady again now: I made a target with a ~6″ section of pool noodle slipped over the end of a riding crop, did some work with that; in general did everything I used to do, but would only ask with the lightest pressure and reward any attempt with a click and treat, and never punish if she didn’t do as I asked. (example: lightly touch her shoulder with my finger, maybe kiss to let her know “I’m asking you to move” and if she leaned her weight slightly away, great, I’d click and treat. If not, I just didn’t reward. eventually of course she would actually step until i quit asking and rewarded) She became much more willing in everything. 

Side note just to brag: My favorite development since using clicker training with her is that since we only have the pasture and the round pen to work with, and with treats they all want to be by me to get some, I need them restrained away from me, so I pour some grain in the round pen to lure the horses in then lock them up, and when they’re done eating, take the one I want to work with out. After a few times, Lady began walking out with me instead of eating the grain with her buddies! I can think of no higher honor than being chosen over grain with her buddies… she’s “second in the hierarchy” so it’s not like she has to fight for it. and if for whatever reason I make her stay in there, she nickers to me whenever I look in her direction <3

Anyways, so with clicker training, on the ground, as far as things she has down very well, she has learned to not mug/default to standing calmly with head relaxed and somewhere not in my pockets and to boop a target. I also use clicker training to reward standing still for grooming and fly spray and for allowing me to clean and trim her feet, which are things she already did, but now I reward her for it. idk if that’s good/bad/neutral or what...

Under saddle, first I taught her to position herself by the mounting block when I stood there. I did this to give her a chance to tell me she doesn’t want to be ridden. I don’t ride much right now bc I’ve become more concerned with saddle fit/bareback hurting her (I’ll probably be asking for help with that soon) so she doesn’t really know this, but end goal is to have her consent to being ridden by standing there for me (obviously, not standing there would be her refusing), and to be able to tell me she doesn’t want to anymore by returning to the mounting block. Under saddle, after maybe two or three short bareback and bridleless sessions using clicker training, she now turns willingly every time I ask. 

On the ground, what I have been working with her on  since I got back home from college is just staying by me and doing as I do, not getting ahead of me, etc. and she actually offered a behavior last week that I’ve been shaping since. I was at her side and turned about 45 degrees from her, and she stepped her hindquarters over so that she was aligned with me, facing the same direction, and that’s kinda what inspired the work on the ground that I’ve been doing. Just stay by my side, if I turn, you turn, if I step over, you step over, if I step back, you step back, etc. I use (what I think is?) a high rate of reward, never asking for more than like… an absolute max of 6 steps/strides before rewarding, and usually averaging closer to 2 or 3, even with stuff we’ve done for a long time, and of course clicking for the slightest try for new things. I break up that work with rewarding for standing still when I’m not cueing anything to remind her that sometimes I just want her to stand still.

The only time she pins her ears is when I ask her to trot/canter, and she never does anything actually aggressive/puts me at risk, and her ears aren’t even super pinned, just laid back a bit more than usual. Anyways, hopefully I can get the rest of the videos up today, but this explains everything I can think of, some of which might not have been caught on video. 

[lliaq]

tagged by @lafitte (well, sort of)

Rules: Answer all questions, add one question of your own and tag as many people as there are questions. 

okay look, I’m not going to tag 50 people, so just, idk, if you see this and wanna do it, go ahead and feel free to tag me

1. Coke or Pepsi: neither

2. Disney or Dreamworks: ghibli

3. Coffee or Tea: both, coffee, tea, and water are basically the only things I drink

4. Books or Movies: books

5. Windows or Mac: windows

6. DC or Marvel: don’t really care about either tbh

7. Xbox or Playstation: I’ve never had an Xbox, so I guess I’m biased, but...Playstation

8. Dragon Age or Mass Effect: see 6

9. Night Owl or Early Rise: night owl

10. Cards or Chess: eh, neither? don’t care?

11. Chocolate or Vanilla: idk depends on my mood?

12. Vans or Converse: converse

13. Lavellan, Trevelyan, Cadash or Adaar: what

14. Fluff or Angst: angst all the way, I mean some fluff is nice every now and then but I can only handle so much fluff before I start craving ULTIMATe ANGST™

15. Beach or Forest: forest...I think? both? idk

16. Dogs or Cats: both, but I’m more of a cat person

17. Clear Skies or Rain: SUNSHINE OKAY GIVE ME SOME FRIGGIN SUNSHINE (I’m deprived, sorry, I just need winter to finally be fucking over) but sometimes rain is nice too

18. Cooking or Eating Out: i’m not really a great cook, but I don’t like eating out, so I’m gonna go with cooking

19. Spicy Food or Mild Food: depends on the specific food tbh

20. Halloween/Samhain or Solstice/Yule/Christmas: urgh neither? I don’t really care about holidays in general

21. Would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot : I’m already always too cold and it sucks, no thank you

22. If you could have a superpower, what would it be?: idk, flying? becoming invisible at will? stopping time?

23. Animation or Live Action: both are fine, both are great, why choose?

24. Paragon or Renegade: ?

25. Baths or Showers: showers

26. Team Cap or Team Iron Man: see 6

27. Fantasy or Sci-Fi: idk I used to be more fantasy, but I’ve warmed up to Sci-Fi

28. Do you have three or four favourite quotes? If so, what are they: “If you ever start taking things too seriously, just remember that we are talking monkeys on an organic spaceship flying through the universe” - Joe Rogan 

“If you do nothing, I assure you, nothing will happen” - Jaque Fresco 

"What is worth living for? I think that life itself is worth living for. And I think that if you're not living the life that you want, then you fight to achieve that life. and I think that there's no one thing that you should be living for; I think it's the journey that is life that you should be living for." - Jensen Ackles

"Once in a while it really hits people that they don’t have to experience the world in the way they have been told to." - Alan Keightley

29. YouTube or Netflix: youtube

30. Harry Potter or Percy Jackson: Harry Potter

31. When You Feel Accomplished: ha .. ha ...

32. Star Wars or Star Trek: Star Wars

33. Paperback Books or Hardback Books: look as long as its a book gimme (shamelessly stealing Van’s answer bc I’m a lazy fuck and I agree)

34. Handwriting or Typing: both? neither? idk handwriting is something more personal? like idk everybody has their own handwriting but typing is so useful like YOU CAN’T CTRL-Z handwriting

35. Velvet or Satin: no fucking clue

36. Video Games or Movies: video games

37. Would you rather be the dragon or own the dragon? I wanna be best friends with the dragon instead of owning it, I want the dragon to want to spend time with me because it wants to, not because I own it. (getting serious af about dragons, yes)

38. Sunrise or sunset: BOTH ARE BeAUTIFUL AND AMAZING I REFUSE TO PICK ONE

39. What’s your favourite song? atm LA Devotee and Slowtown probably

40. Horror Movies yes or no: Not when watching alone

41. Long hair or short hair: short

42. Opera or Theatre: I feel like I should see both at least once before making that choice and I haven’t, so

43. Assuming the multiverse theory is true and every story ever told has really happened somewhere, which one of the movie/book/tv show/game/etc worlds would you pick to travel to first? that’s a lot of possibilties, jfc .... probably Harry Potter world? I want to see Hogwarts and magic and all that shit

44: If you had to eat only one thing for the rest of your life what would it be? uhm, salad? i know it sounds boring, but like you can make different kinds of salad so you’d have some variety at least

44: Are you scared of thunderstorms? Why? NO I LOVE THEM SM THEY ARE LIFE I LOVE THE ROAR OF THE THUNDER AND THE LIGHTNING AND THE CLOUDS AND THE RAIN AND THE WIND OH GOD I LOVE IT SM  (stealing the answer again, BECAUSE YES)

45:  What instrument would you like to learn? violin or piano

46: If you had to be an animal for the rest of your life, what would you be? a cat probably

47: What toppings do you put on pancakes? idk? I think our pancakes are a different thing, bc we don’t really top them? with anything?

48: How do you take your coffee? black ... sometimes with some milk if I’m feeling it, but like..black 9/10 times

49. your first crush (irl/celebrity/fictional/idc tbh): idk, I think the guy that played young adult Anakin Skywalker? I don’t remember his name, it was forever ago

50. Are you a vegan/vegetarian?: