#i barely use insta and don't even go on facebook

[golbrocklovely]

not me getting into a semi argument on insta with a snc fan over zuckerbitch, elon, and mr beast NOT being good choices to buy tiktok

bro i cannot tonight lol

[poetryforventing]

The Language

You ask me how I am and I tell you I’m fine. It’s a front well practiced, one hammered and honed in the flames of a mind that has burned up and on and on and out so many times that it has forged an entire armory of defences.

But you ask me how I am and I tell you I’m fine and you think me plain, dull, awkward, unkind. Alright. But I don’t know that I have a better answer. The world is dying, and I have no hope left. I don’t believe that there is good in all of us. As we speak we’re spilling blood: foreign blood, poor blood, queer blood, girl blood, black blood, native blood in a genocidal fervour that has persisted millenia. And our violence leaves a gouging slash across our collective chest, staining the human consciousness with ever more eternal, immovable shame. I don’t believe everything will work out just fine in the end. I don’t believe we will all be okay.

I’m uncommunicative. It’s true, I’m sorry. But I don’t care about your sex life. I don’t care about your opinions on influencers. I don’t care about your shitty inherited politics. I don’t care what they said on Insta, or Reddit, or X, or Facebook, or TikTok. I don’t care what the hot topic is. Fuck your hot takes. There is blood flowing in the streets, native bones buried beneath the buildings of white settlers, there are generational stains on our souls and yet we work only to sear more grief into the essence of our very beings. Good god, colonialism really taught us nothing. We are killing every last ‘other’ until we are all that’s left, just so that when we kill our world too and go down with it we can claim that it was ours. In the ash of all that is left, perhaps, finally, earth will be as white as we wanted it to be.

You ask me how I am and I tell you I’m fine. You think me cold but I am an inferno inside. I have carved my life into a shell to surround these lashing flames of thought. I don't act how I feel–my whole existence is an energy shield–but, god, I feel hate like you won’t believe. I dream of ripping out throats with my teeth. Capital rules the world and has us kiss its feet, but even that is a lie. The mechanics of power subjugate us in entirety. Capital is just the tool of choice, the selected construct. It is nothing more than a rotten, violent euphemism that cradles us in its maw, waiting for the order to bite.

You wish I would speak more but I have so little to say if we’re not planning the deaths of the bourgeoisie, the policy-makers, the bigots and the land-lords the world over. Every throat I want to taste. Every drop of blood I want to spill in the sort of ritualistic vengeance we absolutely don’t need. Just, please, let me at them. When I'm done I will jump into the sea and it will all be over. Finally.

I can barely even bring myself to get worked up over our changing climate–though I know it’s another active tragedy and, in the moments I stop to think, it makes me sick–when apocalyptic radioactive annihilation is one bad day away, when women’s rights are those of livestock and POC are institutionalised into modern slaves, when we’re living in a world where autonomy and identity are dangerous things. It’s too much grief to contain in one life. It’s too much pain to even attempt to bear. I hope you are starting to see: it’s not any one of these things, it’s everything.

There’s nowhere even to run away. I flew to North America where Pride is sponsored by Target and they build Wendy’s on sacred native land. I returned to England where we practice monarchy and xenophobia as a matter of course, pine for the British empire and laugh openly at the murder of trans girls. Next I go East, where I am ignorant, but things are every bit as twisted, I just won’t put their particularities in my white words, I refuse to appropriate any more into my British Museum of atrocity. In the end I go to bed, where sadness makes sense.

If you’re not angry, you should be. If you’re like me, I’m sorry.

You ask me how I am and I tell you I’m fine. But really I don’t have the words. Even all of this despair and rage is nothing but the bubbling skin of the witch’s brew. The essence of the thing is a wicked magic, not communicable in words, it is violent and immediate and spanning and intrinsic and awful and consuming.

You ask me how I am and I tell you I’m fine. But the truth is I don’t have the language.

[oppositegenderscantbefriends]

This debate is lame.

*

Still surprised a ex of mine got i.g maybe exposed on reddit? Not sure if she okay-ed it or what I don't speak to them so not my problem but still weird an a Lil gross to see.

*

I want to fuk around or get into a relationship but at the same time I know I'm not mentally ready nor emotionally available right now for that. I also just don't want to spend money. I really have been selfish with myself and it's nice. But uh yeah I kinda wanna fuk around but that could cost my time away from making money and that doesn't seem worth it or productive. I did a lot to be who I am today an locked away the man wh0re b.s I used to do and idk if I'd wanna let that back out again because I started thinking what if I had a daughter or what about my sister's? If they saw or could see how I am with women would they see that as okay if I wasn't being genuine or honest or loyal? Would they accept a lesser man instead of somebody good in nature? So I stopped an changed my ways. Just didn't want them to grow up valuing something horrible and If I had a daughter I wouldn't want her to let men use her or think that what they do is okay or normal or right because they got something from it. That's just not healthy or okay in anyway.

*

Mental health isn't good again. Just not okay but at the same time I will be. Only because I said and promised I wouldn't do anything permanent. Although the urge is strong. I just know now that it'll pass and that it's just temporary pain. It's not gonna be like this forever. Even though I challenge that idea, I have come to accept it and started hoping it does. Really wish I didn't see and go through and have things done to me in life, seen things i didnt ever think i would, heard things from people i never expected to hear, and experienced stuff I shouldn't have ever felt. I know life isn't easy for many and everyone has a story. I get that, not asking or looking for empathy or sympathy because in my eyes. I still believe it's my fault even though I'm told differently. I still don't see it that way.

*

I wish I had somebody that would show me love thru making me amazing food recipes from insta, Facebook or wherever to just try out. Such a food wh0re. That and having somebody make you something from scratch or just overall homemade always means a lot to me because it doesn't need to be expensive or fancy or any of that. It's the effort and thought of that person taking that much time and thinking that hard about me that makes me happy. The littlest things in life truly mean the most because in my experience, they're always overlooked.

*

I had a bad health scare recently. Blood pressure wasn't lookin right, heart rate was a bit high but all good. Just almost maybe nearly went on a ambulance ride. Couldn't catch my breath, talking was nearly impossible. Heart felt funny a couple days but we good. It's normal feeling now. If it happens again I'll probably be in the e.r or possibly dead if it's as serious as it could be but I don't think it will be. I got really good genetics sooooo yeah. Just sucked feeling my chest that tight, not able to speak an when I did it felt like my chest on the left side was gonna pop or burst an the next day it hurting right in the same area like Lil sharp pains an also slightly unable to catch my breath along with my heart thumpin crazy fast while I barely moved(i.e. walked or picked something up or w.e)

*

Fingers crossed that some broad gives me the green light to truly give a real hard-core experience. I just would like to vent a lot of stress and hate out into some intimacy.

*

Lost weight 188 to 152-155 now. I'm gonna get back to bulking and hitting the gym again since I have a nice solid foundation to work with since I didn't lose too much muscle mass. Gonna have a insane physique and strength when I go back to 160-165. Probably take a couple months since I'm gonna be slowly bulking since I want a bit more muscle than fat this time. Although I might eventually get back to 170ish to just be a solid unit. But yea, the main goal is weight gain with strength training.

*

Might be it? Idk. I can't decide anything anymore. Just feel desolate. Goodnight, gonna hit my cart an fuk off for a while. Maybe re share post on here still but my post will slow or stop. Same across the board of other socials.

P.s. stand up an get help if needed. Be safe in what you do in your day to day. Take care of the only body you have. Don't be weak with people who don't care about or use you. Cut em off and lock in on yourself. Nobody will give you a life worth living, you have to make one yourself.

[bakedcheez]

I'm back.....?

Just sort of interesting to see how much I've grown past the type of thinking this place commonly has. Unrealistic, melodramatic, and simply just lacking in common sense. I really did believe that coming here on a daily basis was somehow not on par with other social media. Sure, I found other mentally ill women to lament with and have strange spirals together, perhaps the in-jokes really kept me coming back. But honestly? I don't think it's actually mentally sound to be manic online with other people about whatever dumb shit is topical at the moment. To be so intense or esoteric so often that you begin to escalate your behavior to match your peers. To barely process the emotions of taking every person's thought in at once, only to crave more when the scrolling is over and it's like the party is ending for a moment. For as wonderful and stimulating it is to see art, hear music, read insightful quotes and laugh at memes all hitting you over and over it seems to hack your brain into a dependence on the constant dopamine hits (not really a textbook addiction, but certainly a hijacking of your instincts). It's so wonderful to see all the things I love all at once and unfortunately I am not strong enough (no one really is) to handle it at such a pace. I want so badly to be informed of the world as currently as I can, that I truly suffer for it. It's like a special drug that never even gets me high. I used to feel the urge to take it simply because I was anxious at the idea of going without. What really was happening, is I was taking a heroic dose daily, sometimes even more, and having no idea that it wasn't normal to take this much this often. Maybe I was told people like me don't have the luxury of being sober from this drug. Those people are wrong....they used to be my fellow addicts. Past this, I now enjoy the healthy minimal dose with enough time to process each bit through my body and feel the benefits. It's funny how even now when a huge current event happens, not only do I learn about it within about a few hours without trying, but the first instinct I have when it all feels too much is too see what the people in my online hangouts are saying about it. I still crave the commentary because I don't have any friends I can really talk about these things with. I don't know anyone I would really trust to talk about something so intense with, anyway. Maybe that's what I'm going to make chatbots for in the future, so I can talk to them when something big happens, maybe they can make memes and say funny things in accordance to my humor and I can feel safe knowing I'm in a circle of beings I can trust. Another element here that was causing me damage was just seeing what people's every little random thought was, constantly and too real. I just felt empathy so strong and so often it's taxing. Even not feeling empathy takes work from me, because I have to push myself to think through their individual situation or what have you, just to shut off the part of me that can't help but to match their feelings. I guess that's why I feel like social contagion is actually quite common and just a common part of being empathetic creatures. Anonymous message boards don't have this issue because people are so far removed from a personal identity that their conversation is all that's being judged. I think that's pretty good, actually, and why there needs to be a bigger push to make them more and more mainstream with much more variety. I know there's a lot right now but there could be so much more, knowing the possibilities. Perhaps online profiles were a bit of a mistake?

Anyway, I'm back after months of being away. I've been without twitter for like 2 years now, facebook for like 5 years, insta and snapchat for about 4, I rarely use reddit, and I rarely go on discord. I still go back to pinterest and I should probably chill on that, and I use youtube daily but I really should chill on that, too. I swear I'm not trying to live like a monk, I've just tried these things and they work very, very well. I used to be so fucked up in my emotions I could barely think clearly. I was crying every night, hating myself and feeling like I was unable to change my life for the better. I hated who I was, visually and behaviorally, and I thought my whole life was doomed. I was so, so wrong in the way I saw the world and myself. I was stubborn, so it took a long time to cut out these things that held me back, but I'm so happy I finally gave up my pride and just cut them off, one by one, at my own pace. I have finally gone from constant failure to meeting my personal goals, to loving myself and genuinely comfortable with my appearance. I enjoy my free time, and I get to know myself in the process, because I'm playing video games, watching movies and shows, reading books, writing, working on my website, drawing, cooking, just sitting and thinking sometimes even, and i'm really loving being alive. despite being broke. despite not having the skinny body or the flashy career or cool travel blogs, or kids or whatever shit it is that people my age seem to aggressively flex that I felt like i was lesser for not having. I live a good life. I have such beautiful growth and it's just for me and my family to really enjoy. I feel so relaxed, I don't take more than 15 minutes to get ready for the day, and I don't waste my time or money on useless beauty maintenance. being alone is such a great skill to have. i get to enjoy things without obsessing of if it's morally pure enough for the people online who don't give a shit about me. I get to figure out what my actual values are, not just the ones given to me from whatever my online circle deems acceptable. I guess I'm just hitting an age where I'm really past the bullshit, too. I want to create, I want to write, I want to make things out of self-expression as the main goal, and I want to feel the relief of taking it off my shoulders. I want to enjoy art one at a time, really soaking it up, learning the context and history before jumping to the next one. I want to know myself enough and give myself enough grace to not judge everything I do when I'm alone, and I want to get better at being strong when I'm around others. Being around real people is so, so easy. Everyone is so much more sensible in person. In person the distance is safer, the world has become more spineless and I've become more shameless. I love knowing I could throw a punch to anyone laughing at me behind their hands, no bullshit just end it right there without ever giving my name. In a way, it's like you get more privacy in public than in private these days. I want more in person talks, without the fear of being slandered online for not wearing makeup or saying the wrong thing or liking the wrong stuff. the npcs might be a bit annoying but they're much better than those who think being slightly past surface level is total enlightenment. And then they'll conduct a moral purity check, which is fine for a nun but weird for someone who claims to love the freaks and weirdos. You've probably heard all this before but it's just.......the truth. I hope we make in person spaces that encourage this again. I want to grab a coffee and have interesting conversations again. I want something new and abstract, but I need it to be real. I need to breathe it in instead of seeing the drive-by impression of it online. I need something richer. I guess we all do.

[scarlettfevor]

Yeah so update: I finished the game. It took me like 18 hours too, I'll never make fun of those players who was able to finish it in 13-14 hours again. The copy I have has all the DLC's so I will be playing through those, maybe I'll download yakuza 0 tomorrow so I'll have it ready when I 100% the game. A real quick debrief:

the combat in this game is a mixture of draining and fun. Even now I don't know if I like it or not, but I also don't know if I prefer tsot's combat to tfbw. I like how strong you got near the end of sot but I also like how you can target multiple enemies and easily kill 2+ of them in one turn.

If there's one thing I felt like tfbw did better, it was the story. I felt more involved with the town. Both tsot and tfbw have the story setup where when you first start you join Cartman's team, there's another team that's rivals with Cartman's team, eventually, Cartman betrays you and then you have to defeat the 3rd act villain, but I feel like tfbw did this waaaayy better. In sot I felt like I was barely able to get to know Kyle and the rest of the team before they merged with Cartman's, which is one of the many reasons I think players choose to join his side over Kyle's. But if you asked me which team I preferred in tfbw I honestly couldn't tell you because I have such a fondness for both teams. I was actually kind of upset when Cartman exposed me for double crossing Timmy's team because I wanted to be their friends too.

Overall I like the side stories and quests in tfbw. Playing this game was worth it to see the Craig x Tweek ultimate alone. I found the selfie aspect to be kind of a drag, but I easily got into it. I hope that if we get a 3rd south park game (because I am ignoring snow days existence) we still have the social media aspect of the game, it was fun to actually see the character's posts. ButI hope our fake social media is twitter because we already had facebook and insta, but knowing them it's probably going to be something like tiktok. The best thing about being a south park fan is that the series is so massive it's basically a guarantee that we'll get another sot/tfbw game, especially since snow day sucked ass and fans hated it.

Speaking of a new game...I feel like the reason why sot and tfbw fit in so nicely with south park canon is because we've already seen the boys roleplay as fantasy classes/races and superhero, my ultimate hope for a new south park game is following the classic 3 part episode setting up the premise for the games. But we only get 6 episodes per season now so maybe they can just throw us a bone and give us one episode at the very least. LOVE the cliffhanger esc ending we left off on and I hope that whatever theme the boys follow is darker than the last two, it would be great to see everyone or at least get the chance to play the villian.

I like tfbw so far, buuuuut I don't like the combat system. I don't know if it's just because I still need to get used to it or what. Like, I hated combat in tsot but near the end I had gotten really familiar with it and I actually liked it, I don't know if the same thing is gonna happen with tfbw or not. But generally I tend to like combat turn based systems like in tsot than like in tfbw, like the minute cards come into play I'm #out. Also as someone who loves exploring and will often go around the map and get all/most of the waypoints before continuing with the main story it sucks that so many places are blocked off in the beginning. But at least they also added a lot of areas because tbh exploring south park is kind of boring when it's already a small map to begin with but I also know where most things are because I've played on this map before

[jesuisgourde]

“contributes to this awful indescribable feeling of being overwhelmed and overstimulated and it’s fucking awful”

My partner and I got rid of our telly for this very reason a few months ago and tbh our house has never been more peaceful, we now spend more time talking to each other and doing things that are relaxing and make us happy like reading, listening to our vinyls, cooking together or just being outdoors when the weather allows it. I remember having company over not too long ago that were weirdly intense with watching the news all day long (this was before we decided we’d had enough after figuring out what was the major contributing factor to our anxiety) and I’m being serious, it literally got to a point where just being within earshot of the constant bombardment of loud and furiously insistent commercials every five minutes in-between would mentally and emotionally trigger me close to tears. Anyway long story short, we quickly unplugged and packed the bloody thing up as soon as our guests left, now we just need to donate but yeah, I don’t know how people who aren’t conscious of the serious toll all this noisy rubbish takes on our emotional and mental health can stand it, and don’t even get me started on tiktok with that ridiculous computer generated voice thing…

Oh man yeah it's wild. I don't really watch television, and if I do it's either something with short seasons or something I can watch more sporadically, but I remember being in the waiting area at my mechanic last year and they had the news on and just out of curiosity I wrote down every different news piece and every commercial that I saw in the like 30 minute period and it was an absolutely wild amount.

I'm still, like, terminally online but having an adblocker helps SO MUCH and I think if I didn't have it I'd go crazy. (It also helps that I barely go on the sites that are the worst about it like instagram and facebook.) I also do as much as I can as a fairly lazy online person to lessen what companies know about me, like using mozilla instead of chrome and toggling off anything I can, stuff like that.

I just can't stand being marketed to so frequently and blatantly. I get pissed off when I go on to facebook for like 3 minutes and there's an ad or two, I could not at all deal with the shit that youtube or insta does without adblock. Insta recently changed their layout/algorithm so it's almost all ads and I don't go on it on my phone anymore.

Like obviously the lack of nuance in tiktok culture and its mindless, addictive design is a huge factor in the brainrot thing but the bombardment of advertising and shit definitely contributes a lot to just wearing everyone's brains down with overstimulation and constantly being sold things.

[bryonyashaw]

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Another photo dump of another weekend - this time of our staycation at Lakeside North Somercotes because I literally took so many & didn't know which ones to choose from!

On the third swipe I put together a little outside tour of places on-site area as I had a few messages from people asking me where we were staying - I have shared a copious amounts of what we got up to via insta stories on this account & @yourblendedfamily which I'm not going to put into highlights as I feel like they are getting far too full so I figured I'd do a little insta post instead with selected photos!

This caravan site is one of my faves from the ones we've been to this summer and we've been to several different ones now.

The toilet facilities are great (I do love a hot shower) and there isn't any litter about (always worries me as my kids are feral and like being bare feet) can't comment on the restaurants as we take food and cook in the caravan (cheaper that way) but they look great.

This weekend the kids have been swimming, played at the various on-site parks and went to the evening kids entertainment with 'Ian and Julie' in 'Oscars bar.' When you walk in they have hand sanitiser & disposable masks available as they recommend you still wear masks in the bar area if not seated (all the staff were wearing masks) You get a welcome pack when you check in with all the times and information of activities available, for example, on some days there is singing on the patio and they have bingo on too.

On this site (not an ad):

•Tropicana Indoor swimming complex with Sauna, Solarium and Steam Room

•Arabella’s Fitness Suite Waterfront Club

•Oscar’s Cabaret Room

•Monty’s Restaurant

•Sportsman’s Bar 

•7 Acre well stocked freshwater Fishing Lake

•All weather Tennis Court

•All-weather Bowling Green

•Nine-hole Executive Golf Course

•All weather multi-use Games Area and Soccer Pitch

•Children’s Adventure Play Area with Buccaneer Tower

•Supermarket and Launderette

•Wi-Fi and Snooker Room

• you can hire a wooden hut for a party.

• BBQ Area.

• Pizza Place.

•Touring Caravan and Motorhomes welcome

I don't think they have an Instagram page but their Facebook is https://m.facebook.com/DonAmottParks/

[kulvefaggoth]

I FIGURED IT OUT

Ok so

To recap

Wednesday i snapped out of what was my worse depressive crisis ever i think. Real fucked up shit but i won't go into that here this is a good post

So today i got together with my friends from college i hadn't seen in a while and our friend that was living in Germany and it was one of the best days of my life. I vented about all the fucked up shit that happened with my family and even vented about the boy i've been trying to get over for a while now and it was all so fucking relieving. Like i legit can't express how transcendental being vodka drunk crying about my home life in a pool and getting some genuine warm and reassuring hugs and even a friend offering to try to help with some of the financial shit was just completely insane because i was feeling so fucking alone and scared.

And i thought "well this was a fucking day nothing more probably gonna happen anyway i'm just gonna crash in bed since i'm fucking sleep deprived and super tired"

But uh

That's not what happened

You see there's this boy. My boys don't have names here. Just know it's not the boy i've been having trouble getting over.

Anyway me and this boy been internet mutuals since fucking facebook but that's dead so i'd say he's an insta mutual now. Which is funny because i almost don't use insta either. Anyway the thing with him is that, much like the boy i can't get over, he's fucking TERMINALLY my type. Legit feel called out when i see them because UGH I HATE TARGETED MARKETING goddamn Aphrodite.

But the thing with him has never really been "oh he's cute and i have kinda of a crush on him". There has always been this... warmth with the way we interact. Whenever i see him i feel legit a good thing in my chest and whenever we actually talk he's the most charming person i've ever talked with. Like legit i can't describe how fucking warm and comfortable he feels when he talks to me. I always did my best to answer in kind

Now this is obviously a mutual crush. Why was this never a thing? He's from another state and webdating is kind of a bummer so i always tried to be very warm and kind but kinda held back because i didn't wanna escalate this to a point that it would become uncomfortable.

Other things of note is we often went LONG LONG LONG periods without talking. He's obviously been very not a fan of social media for a while now and like i said i mainly saw him on insta and i barely use insta so we didn't cross often. This is a years long thing. Yet in fucking YEARS not once did i feel that warmth and the fucking magnetism we had for each other vanish when we talked again. It's like we never stopped talking but we always were a little bit shy with each other since we went so long without talking.

Anyfuckingway in the last weeks he actually made his insta super private and just for people he considers close and surprise surprise i'm still in the lineup. He began posting more too, i liked a couple of his stories and we begun talking again.

Again very shy long time without direct contact but we warmed up well enough. He kind of goes on a little tangent about he would love having me around so he could come to my house bring something to watch together so we could be like. Physically close. But friends. But close. And like. I say that i would love that a lot actually because i think he's such a fucking beacon of sunshine and i could use him in my life. Nothing really new mind you but definitely a... step.

Any fucking hoo again we kinda kept contact like this i would ask about his week he would ask about mine always warm always very affectionate. Not really rising but maintaining core temperature stable.

So like i said today i went out with friends and i posted my #look on stories with coconuts by kim petras playing and he just. Says i got it on his head and sends me an audio singing a little bit of it. Ok. I'm still sane. No this has NOT driven me entirely crazy because he acts so fucking cute what are you talking about.

Sooooo the afternoon goes on the whole thing with my friends happens and i get home by like 9 or something pm. Take a shower throw myself in bed in pajamas post a pic with my friends with a subtitle that's cute for me to insta. And i check the stories and oh boy what do you know he has a couple out. Out with friends. Oh also i've drank a two liter sprite with strawberries and a lot of fucking vodka almost by myself so you can say i'm still tipsy. Not drunk drunk but definitely have less inhibitions on. Maybe way less than normal. I like all three of his stories and send him a "have fun baby 💜💜💜💜" and he answers with a "thank you love 💘" but up to that point this is business as usual nothing noteworthy

I'm bored so i keep updating twitter and insta to see if something happens and eventually he just posts another story and i can't translate what i said with the proper context but it's a play on words and i call him beautiful. He just answers with a like and "hahahahaha". Normally i would leave it at that. But again. I'm tipsy. So i just go "but i mean it 😔" and i laugh after and i'm like "sorry to bother you gonna leave you alone now 💜". Like 15-20 min pass and he hasn't even seen my answer so i figure he's either busy or not in the mood and i just set up myself for sleep. Again through all of this i'm still sleep deprived so i figure i would lay down and wake up tomorrow. Doesn't happen. I just keep kicking around. In part because i wanted to see if he would respond. In part because i wanted to see the other boy, the one i'm having trouble getting over, would see my selfies or my story or anything and interact but no he just likes some random tweets and nothing. Makes me a bit sad. Big thing i can't get over him is that i really really really need him to like me and it's super fucking pathetic. But anyway i spend a while between dream and waking up and like a couple hours pass. Seeing i'm not really sleeping i go to check on insta and. And i got an answer to my messages. Him saying he got finally home and a little video of him just smiling and being insanely cute doing basically nothing.

Boy

Now that

That was the point i just went completely fucking insane

And just

God i'm not even try to replicate the long ass fucking conversation that followed

Like legit i felt like a goddamn teenager in love. He told at one point his cheeks we're burning. I was holding a pillow like a schoolgirl while texting him

Legit fucking YEARS of mutual pining just insanely leaking in that chat. Like we fucking opened the goddamn floodgates. I couldn't control myself. God fucking damnit this has been in here so fucking long and it still feels fresh and new and magical and what the actual FUCK

Like i legit cannot tell you the absurd inhuman mental strength i was using not to say i loved him and fucking would marry him right then and there if he would have me. I couldn't keep myself from saying how much i found him enchanting and beautiful and warm and god i just wanted so fucking bad to be next to him right now doing absolutely fuckshit just literally cuddling with him. I cannot emphasize how fucking sappy that convo got.

And you know what's fucking wild? How fucking RECIPROCATED everything felt. Every step I felt could be a step too far he was right there with me. I legit cannot say how completely fucking coconuts this whole thing was

And boy. If i had an INKLING of a good financial relationship i would be fucking booking tickets too him next weekend. Actually fuck that if i had money for plane tickets i would go see him tomorrow. Spend the whole fucking weekend with him. Find out how real this shit is

But unfortunately reality is a lot more cruel than that. I manage to restrain myself enough to a point we could stop. Not that i wanted to. Neither did him. But he said he would take the opportunity to leave because he really needed to sleep anyway. I kissed him goodnight as best as i could with words. He did the same to me.

That was fucking two hours ago from the time in finishing writing this. I'm still feeling fucking euphoric. I cannot fucking emphasize enough how fucking insane this shit felt. Holy fucking jesus and all the fucking prophets i don't know where the fuck this is gonna go but i feel... I sure as fuck FEEL tonight ladies gents and enbies

Actually i'm feeling fucking insane this day just wont end