#i assume it's because i'm not writing in my native language but still... why is it hard. learning curve my beloathed ;u;

[olderthannetfic]

No, ppl, VPNs aren't even possible for many MANY ppl in the third world. You can't buy a VPN in a brick and mortar store, and many of us (adults who are parents of kids in schools and everything) don't even own credit cards. Many who do still cannot afford VPN because what is easily affordable to a Westerner could pay my bills for a whole month. It depends on how poorly my currency is performing against the US dollar.

Even Paypal is sth mythical. I mean, I've had pieces accepted in US magazines for what the editors said was a token payment, about 50 dollars. Man, those 50 dollars would've paid off so much! That would be a FORTUNE. But I had to waive the payment EVERY time because Paypal doesn't work in my country. Grrr.

That doesn't mean third world countries listed on the Paypal site can use it either. My country is on it but every time I filled surveys etc and they transferred the money, I couldn't get my bank to let me have it. I know a third worlder in another country who has had that happen to them too.

My heart goes out to fellow readers and writers in Malaysia. Some of the most mindblowingly beautiful fics I've ever read (they were gushed abt by Americans and Brits and Aussies so I assumed the writers were native English speakers) turned out to have been written by fellow third worlders, one of those in my own country! The idea of waking up to find my country decided to ban ao3 is just... unbearable.

I hope the Malaysians find a way around it. And I hope whoever made that horrible decision gets the worst RPF written abt them AND hears about it from their political rival.

--

Yeah, I'm always meeting fans online from certain countries: Malaysia, Indonesia, the Philippines. Some places just seem to produce a lot of nerds. Or maybe more people learn English? IDK. Both a lack of (popular-with-fans) local media and a lack of economic opportunity can incentivize foreign language learning, so I'm sure that's part of it along with a certain amount of randomness.

In any case, part of why AO3 is run on donations instead of having paid accounts with better features is that a lot of core fans who write the fic and make the recslists and make fandom happen turn out to be in situations where they literally cannot pay even if they have the money.

Someone who's popular might be able to get foreign friends to pay for their VPN, but even then, can they actually get access to it? Questionable.

As for the last, it will be with their political rival, and you know it! They'll have to hear from some aide. ;D

[solitude-of-stars]

Yesterday I got accused of using AI for my writing

At first, it simply baffled me. Then I thought about it for a while until I didn't really know what to think or feel anymore. Anger? Amusement? Resignation?

A bit of context:

This December I posted an Advent Calendar for the fandom I'm most active in. One fic a day for 24 days. Various ships and other relationships, various plots and AUs, and all that jazz. I'm assuming this is what the person is referring to by mentioning "mass production".

Now, I know there are people out there that actually write a fic a day. I might have even tried something like that had I been younger, but these days I'm working full time, I'm married, and I need to do annoying things like chores, so I definitely didn't have the time or mental capacity to do that. Instead, I started planning and writing the fics in mid October and it took me almost two months to finish all of them. I don't know exactly what mass production in the context of AI fic means, but I have a hunch that writing roughly 27k words in the span of two months is not that.

I am also not a native speaker. I've been writing fic on and off for over 15 years, but I've only really started writing in English less than two years ago. I take great pride in it, and I've always gotten very positive feedback. Not a lot (because my fandom is mostly dead by now), but whenever people comment, they are very kind and supportive.

Nevertheless, deep down I still expect criticism of my writing. Bad grammar, wrong use of idioms, awkward wordflow ... you name it, I've probably worried about it. There's this feeling that probably a lot of non-native speakers experience: that you have to be better than most native authors to even be considered good enough. Every little mistake, typo, every awkwardly written sentence is proof that you're 'faking it', and that people will see you for the fraud you actually are and tell you to just go back writing in the language you're used to. No one has ever actually told me that, fortunately, but it's a feeling that has been persistently nagging at me since I changed to writing in English.

So yeah, I expected criticism. I just didn't expect this particular brand of it.

I understand the concern about AI fanfics. Really, I do. I read about fandoms getting flooded by authors churning out fic after fic after fic. Personally, I am very lucky that the fandom I write for is so small that AI is basically non-existent (as far as I know). There's only been one author who openly wrote a fic by using generative AI, but the fandom collectively chose to ignore it. No hits, no comments, no interaction all together, until the author deleted the fic.

Now, the only use of AI one could maybe accuse me of is that of an online translator, in the rare case I'm searching for a word/sentence and it's not this abstract feeling but something I can actually pinpoint in my native tongue. But that's it. I've never even considered using AI for one of my fics, because writing has always been enjoyable to me. Why would I leave something that gives me joy to a machine to do it for me?

But, in all honesty, I don't think the bad part about the comment I got was that the person thought I might have been using AI. Because I know I didn't, and most of my readers know it as well.

No, the devastating part to me is that the person feels the quality of my fic can be compared to whatever it is AI would spit out. That's what's getting to me.

I don't actually mind constructive criticism. Maybe it's a generational thing, but I grew up on fanfiction sites where you were actively encouraged to tell the author how they could do better. There were how-to-write-comments that gave you pointers what to focus on, and what could be considered helpful constructive criticism.

Or maybe this is actually a cultural thing. Coming from a country of people that are generally considered very -and sometimes uncomfortably - honest, I don't mind people telling me if there's something specific I could improve on. Will it sting? Yeah. But keep it nice and civil, and I won't be angry at you for it - I'll appreciate it.

Comparing my writing to, or even accusing it of being written by AI, feels like something entirely different. It's a very simple way of saying that what I write is something even below mediocrity. That it reads like it was written by an algorithm that can't understand and will never experience human feelings. Can't comprehend emotions, something that can't be captured by lots of 1s and 0s. Equates me to a thing that takes the stories and feelings other people created, before bunching it all up into one big pile of words, lifeless and replaceable.

And that's what's getting to me. I always thought my fics were good. Not great, but good enough that I personally enjoy rereading them. Writing helped me through some hard times, helped me find joy in creating again, something I remember from when I was younger but hadn't felt all throughout college. Writing was fun, a wonderful way to pass the time, and a way to connect with other people who enjoy the same nerdy stuff as me.

Now I don't feel like writing anymore.

Some people will probably say I'm exaggerating. That it's just one comment among many positive ones. And they'll be right. It's only one comment, but just like one bad day can make you feel like all the good ones you accumulated before don't matter, one bad comment can negate all the positive ones.

Fortunately, I had many people come to my defense already. Geat people that keep telling me I have worth. That congratulated me for writing 24 fics in time, that tell me I improve with every fic I write, and that never get tired of being simply awesome human beings. I'm lucky to have them.

My anxiety keeps telling me they're all wrong. That the one person is right, and that I should just stop trying. That I'm not good enough, that I will never be good enough, and that it's a miracle I've managed to fool them this long anyway.

Now, I will get over it. I know I will. I'll meet my friends and celebrate New Year's, I'll read a good book, listen to some music, play some Skyrim, and, before I know it, I'll be back in the mood for more writing. I can handle it. Because my enjoyment will be more important, in the end.

But you know who wouldn't have gotten over it this easily?

16 year old me. She would have been completely gutted over getting a comment like this. And I know there are many teens like her out there who are probably getting similar comments on their fics. And they don't deserve this.

So I guess what I want to say with my elaborate rambling is this:

Please stay kind. I know, AI is terribe, and seeing people using it to do something that you enjoy, and take over all those safe spaces we have built for ourselves, flooding carefully curated and beloved tags, is incredibly frustrating. And I'm afraid that I don't have a solution for that.

But please think twice before throwing around accusations like the one I've gotten. Maybe you actually find somebody who secretly used AI. They probably won't care enough to stop. But more likely you'll find someone who's just taking their first steps, deciding to write and post something they care about. That takes incredible courage, especially for people that write in a language that isn't their native one. They simply want to reach people, want to interact with them in a way that wouldn't be possible in their own language.

Don't ruin it for them.

[im-the-j-in-anthony-j-crowley]

Okay, here me out, i can't stop thinking about demons and the fact that many of them can't spell

Crowley says that spelling is not their strong point, and we see this exemplified especially in Shax and Furfur, but now recently it occurred to me to look up how to pronounce food in Italian. Remember Hastur? If you look it up, you'll notice it's cibo, and if you listen to the pronunciation, you'll notice it's VERY similar to the pronunciation of ciao (what Crowley says in that scene, remember?).

Learning this is what gives me a start for what I had been thinking for quite some time, because at the beginning I thought that the spelling thing was something for only the lower level demons, after all, Shax and Furfur have leveled up, but initially they were at the bottom. But not Hastur, Hastur is a duke of hell.

And the confusion between cibo and ciao proves that he must likewise have some kind of problem with language comprehension.

Also, I want to add, I'm not entirely sure if this is a good point, because I may be influenced by the fact that I'm not a native speaker, but Dagon's motivational speech doesn't directly reflect poor language use, but I get a sense that it doesn't reflect great command of it either

And then we go to Crowley, I assume we all think at first glance that Crowley has no problem with language, right? But let me remind you of something: Crowley hates books.

Yes, he has books. But the one book we see, has pictures, lots of pictures. An illustrated astronomy book. In addition to this, Crowley demonstrates a strong dislike of books. Contempt. Hatred. Yes, we've seen him write things. Yes, they are well written. But it doesn't seem to be something he enjoys

With all of this information, I'm going to reach the conclusion that ALL demons have a problem with language, especially written language. Even despite the fact that they are able to speak every existing language.

And I feel that this is a curious detail, because taking into account the powers they have, one would think that they could compensate those difficulties by miracles, right?

They don't. They still have those errors, and you could say it's because none of them have thought of it but... Really? None of them have thought of it? In 6000 years? I don't believe it.

So it must be something intrinsic, there's something they can't change that makes it difficult for them to write/spell.

And we could even go further, because one of the things I find curious, is the fact that Shax has problems with sarcasm. A demon, problems with sarcasm. No one in 6000 years spoke sarcastically to Shax?

I don't have enough arguments to add this as a collective demon problem, since Shax is (I think) the only one we've seen with that problem, but it's something close enough to mention.

Mixing all this up, I should mention the big elephant in the room: Demons have written records of who enters hell

We've already established that the difficulties with language go as far as the dukes, and I feel it's not jumping too far if we say that Beelzebub and Satan possibly shouldn't be spared.

So, who are these reports for? It's not like they're going to read them, I know that's hell, but why would they force themselves to go through that torture?

The only thing that makes sense is that those reports are for someone external, and there are only two options: heaven, or directly God.

And both options seem pretty cruel to me, because we know one thing: angels can read.

Aziraphale can, Muriel can, Gabriel can, we don't have any example of an angel who can't read. Crowley had a book before he fell. So we can assume that demons could read.

They could, and the fact that now they can't makes me see only one possible explanation: Falling caused them those problems.

And I feel that if we mix my two conclusions, the ending is something very ugly. Demons have problems with language, especially written language. Those problems started when they were expelled from heaven. They make written records that are possibly presented to those who turned them into demons.

Basically it is a very strong level of cruelty.

Please recognize the demon's rights. They still deserve to have rights

[traincarsandstars]

Some Thoughts about Amphoreus

So I have a lot of thoughts about Amphoreus; however, they are still in a state of "word salad", so today I'm going to share some recent thoughts I have about Amphoreus and post the old ones on a later date.

To sum up everything I have so far, Amphoreus is stuck in a memory loop thanks to Aglaea. Starting from when Aglaea started gathering the Heirs (flame chasers) to their possible defeat by the titans. However, no one realizes that they are in a repeating memory except for the Elysia exp because it's always the Elysia exp.

However, I realized that I missed a few things that suggest that there might be another reason for Amphoreus repeating.

So, when initially read this statement, I thought it was insinuating that that Aglaea had been repeatedly summoning the heirs giving me the idea that things are looping.

Especially with this part.

And knowing what happened to the Flame Chasers in Honkai Impact, I assumed that they failed which is what caused Aglaea to repeat everything. But after rewatching the trailer, and rereading her drip marketing I've come up with a another possible outcome.

What if, instead of failing the Heirs succeeded in taking down the Titans? I say this because of this part here:

At first I though that the speaker was insulting that this was the unreachable end goal that they had. That was what they originally set out to do. However, the more that I read it, the more it sounds like they were able to reach their goal. What they use when talking about the Heirs end goal (smiting the gods, returning the divine fire, etc) is an Em dash. A Em dash (—) is used in writing to elaborate or add additional information.

Examples:

"Sir Henry Wallace sat at his ease in his favorite chair—carved wood with a stright, rigid back and a worn rose-colored cushioned seat—in front of the fireplace in his bedroom."

Here, it's giving us more information about Henry's favorite chair.

"Multiple languages are spoken in Canada—English, French, and Native languages."

Here it's telling us what languages are spoken in Canada.

So if we look at the Drip Marketing again...

We now see that the endless journey included smiting the gods, returning the divine fire, and granting rebirth to Amphoreus. Which poses the question: If the Heirs completed their goals, then why did Aglaea put them on repeat?

The answer to that question I believe is found in their trailer.

In the trailer, we see a red hand placing a crowned chess piece on the underside of a board.

On the top side, we see figures with bases possible representing that they are game pieces as well. There is also a blue banner directly below where the chess piece is on the underside of the board. I believe that this part of the trailer is insinuating that there was political maneuvering during the whole titan ordeal. And based of the speakers words here might have infiltrated or used the heroes. I would also like to point out the color scheme here, which is mostly red and black, we do not see the colors anywhere else in the trailer except in the beginning of their trailer when the speaker is describing the destruction of Amphoreus.

Based on all of this, I would like to speculate that the reason why Aglaea put Amphoreus into a memory loop is because of the political strife that came after the Titan's defeat.

But still, I'm just guessing. If nothing else, I hope this helps draw attention to some of the trailers visual story telling because there is a lot.

(@reversescale) Tagging you because you already listened to my original mega word soup on discord OwO

[amethystina]

Hey <3

There's a personal question that I want to ask you, but I completely understand if you don't want to answer it!

What county are you from? I saw in one of your posts that English is not your first language, so I got curious.

(I'm brazilian, and until now I haven't met people that like The Devil Judge that are not from the US or Korea)

Hi! I'm from Sweden :D

Which was something I didn't tell people at the start of my fanfic career because I was afraid that they would judge my writing more harshly if they knew. Which, sadly, turned out to be true. As soon as people found out about it, I got messages telling me that "oh, that explains why your grammar is so bad. I wondered why a native speaker would write that poorly" or "oh, so that's why you misspell things so often?"

The latter was honestly the most annoying because, more often than not, it was typos, not me misunderstanding the language xD

Funnily enough, I'm now on the opposite end of the spectrum. People seem genuinely surprised when I tell them that English isn't my first language. But I think it still shows in some of my grammatical choices and my lack of understanding of some slang (I've never even visited a country where English is the majority language x'D )

Anyway! Trust me when I say that there are a lot of people who love The Devil Judge from other countries! Or at least I assume that based on the comments I get, which are sometimes in other languages (Google Translate is my friend xD)

Which I LOVE, by the way. I honestly don't care what language the comments I get are in, I'm just happy that my writing moved people enough that they want to comment. I consider that a huge compliment, especially the times I've been told that the person is just so excited they can't translate their thoughts into English. That's such a wonderful thing to hear 💜

So to all of you out there who have another first language than English: don't ever feel guilty for writing comments in your native language and never feel the need to apologise for your "bad" English. It's not bad. You're doing great 💜

[bubblegumflavor]

Something I keep thinking about the past days and just want to get off my chest. That people should remind themselves once in a while to not treat non native speakers as if they were native speakers. I got confronted with something someone took out of context from a conversation I had with someone else where I tried to describe an emotion like.. the heavyness of the emotion and I used a word for it and the person took it as I was saying something else from the conversation was that word. And I wasn't feeling very well that day, I was literally in bed with a fever and they confronted me with my absolute trigger topic I am not willing to talk about anymore (and they know that) and I said to them 'I don't discuss this, please don't talk to me about that' and then tried to write an explanation on where they got me wrong and that I wasn't talking about the thing itself but just an emotion of mine (and they knew I don't like the thing itself so I don't even know why they felt the need to confront me about it) but they came into my dm with a complete opinion they already created about me which was all kinds of wrong but I couldn't even start to try to explain because I was immediately blocked. It's not a big loss for me tbh because recently I already got into a sitiuation with them where they demonstrated pretty clearly what person they seem to believe I am and I have no interest in being friends with people who assume I'm an asshole over just trying to be kind and supportive so whatever, but this just got me thinking of how often people get me wrong and I don't understand why or how because I am not a native speaker. I don't know double meaning of stuff, I'm glad if I know the right or a in my head fitting vocabulary. I always try to be as clear as possible so I don't get misunderstood. Same way the other way around, I talked to a super nice person recently where I thought they made a hate comment but it was just some slang I didn't understand and the translator gave me "they think I'm annoying and disagree". But it was the opposite. But I only found out because I talked to them instead of instant blocking them. This is how misunderstandings happen and I just write this because I think a lot of drama could be avoided if people would give other people the benefit of the doubt especially if they're native speakers vs non native speakers. English is a language I'm learning. I don't have people in my real life who talk to me in english or have slang and double meaning I naturally learn along while it develops. Like it took me forever to figure out the skull emoji means laughing, I interpreted it as 'dead serious' because that made sense to me but it changed the vibe of everything the person using that emoji was saying. (just an example)

So yeah.. just wanted to get that off my chest because though it might look easy and my english is well enough, I still don't think like a native speaker and never will unless I live several years in a country with people who are native speakers.

[imagineanime2022]

Looking For Dad *Part 4*

Chuya Nakahara X Daughter!Reader

Word Count: 939

Requested: Anon

Request: I really need the next part of your amazing writing 'looking for dad ' ,I really want the final part to determine the ending, whether the mother finally wakes up from her coma or not, I can't bear to think about the little girl losing her mother and Chuuya becoming a single parent like… (⁠〒⁠﹏⁠〒⁠)

//I don't mean to force you to continue it right away, but I just want to say that it's a really good fanfic from the things I've read 🤍🤍🤍. Sorry for the diction, English is not my native language.

A/N: There will probably be one more part to this to wrap it all up, but I'm likely to forget so please send it in as a request if you interested so that I don't forget that it exists

*Part 3*

“Your back!” You cheered as you ran towards Chuya wrapping your little arms around his leg, he crouched and poked your nose watching you scrunch it up. “I assume you’ve behaved yourself?” Even if the question was directed at you, his eyes caught on Emi, the woman that he had left you with. “I was!” You nodded your affirmation and the woman behind you laughed. “She got a bit fussy after the first week, I think she missed you.” Emi said, passing over the bag that you had been left with. “She wanted to see her mum, I wasn’t sure that would be safe without you around so maybe she could go to see her soon.” “Thanks for looking after her.” Chuya took your hand as you waved goodbye to the Emi.

After Chuya had managed to get you settled at home with you, he made sure that there was no trouble at the hospital where (Y/M/N) was still being treated and then finally got down to finding out who in the government would want your mum dead.

“What?” Ango’s voice was one that he hoped he would never have to hear again but given he was the only personal government connection he had, he really had no choice. “Why would you want (Y/M/N) (Y/M/L/N) dead?” Chuya asked. “I don’t know that name.” Ango answered. “Don’t lie to me Ango, you dealt with all the names that passed through the Mafia, you know that name, I don’t have time to pick apart every lie.” Chuya warned him as his eyes cast over to you colouring in the living room with some show that you had seen at Emi’s house playing on the TV. “What business do you have with her?” Ango asked. “I don’t have business with her, not now that she’s in hospital.” Chuya answered. “Why are you calling me?” Ango finally asked the question that Chuya had been waiting for. “I’ve been looking into the attack, did you know that there was a child left orphaned?” Chuya asked. “I found out that someone in the Japanese government hired the people that attacked (Y/M/N) because they wanted her daughter. You know anything about that?” “They… What?” Ango asked. “I called you because I wanted answers but all you're doing is asking questions.” Chuya leant back against the kitchen counter. “I don’t know what you're talking about.” Ango answered “if what you have been told is true then this isn’t happening within Special Divisions.” “Or no one told you.” Chuya answered. “I assume the child is yours.” Ango finally said. “What?” Chuya asked. “If they wanted the child, the only reason. It’s because it’s your child.” Chuya hadn’t thought of that, if she had his ability there would be people who would want her especially after he destroyed everything that they had on him and their experiments. “Who would want that?” Chuya asked. “Give me some time to find out.” Ango answered “but you will owe me for this.”

“Boss, the woman woke up.” Chuya stopped dead in his tracks that morning, he was in the process of making you breakfast. “Is she allowed visitors?” Chuya asked. “Yeah, she’s been asking about the little one.” Chuya’s men had taken a liking to you, you’d given them all personal pictures and thanked them for looking after your mum every time you left the hospital. “Alright, I’ll be there soon.” Chuya hung up the phone, he placed your bowl of cereal on the table. “Do you want to go and see mum today?” “Yeah!” You answered “we have to add this picture to her room.” Over the past couple of weeks, you had been adding hand drawn pictures to the room that your mum had been staying in for when she woke up.

When you walked to the room, you stopped looking at your mum who was sitting up, she smiled as she opened her arms “hey sweetheart.” She said softly, Chuya waited at the door as you ran towards her. “Where have you been?” “Dad looked after me, he brought me to see you and even got some people to look after you when we went home.” You explained, your mum finally looked at Chuya who lingered by the door. It had been so long since you had seen each other, he didn’t know what to do. “She found you.” Your mum breathed “well done.” “How are you feeling?” Chuya asked. “Not as bad as I thought I would.” Your mum answered “they said that the superficial injuries have healed and once they are sure that my body is coping well then I can go home.” “How long?” You asked “can you come stay with me at Dad’s house?” “Oh I-” “You can if you want, you know while you're healing at least you know that you're both safe.” Chuya answered. “The person responsible is still around, I’ve been looking for them, I know they are based here.” “Why?” Your mum asked bracing you as you climbed onto the bed to sit with her. “We can talk about that later, for now focus on getting better, I still don’t have all the information.” Chuya answered honestly “and I should probably call that idiot, he’ll want to see you too.” “Idiot?” You asked. “That’s what he calls Uncle Dazai.” You giggled. “Oh right.” She nodded. “Sure you can call him, while you tell me all about all these pictures you drew.” That was when you launched into a detailed explanation of each of your pictures and the days that you drew them.

Request Here!!

[exonerin]

How many and what languages do you speak? Is English your first language or why are you writing in English?

English is not my first language, no. I speak three languages. English, my native language, and German (but I'm definitely not fluent in German).

So, why do I write in English?

When I went to middle school, I discovered the English curriculum assumed that elementary school had already given English lessons. Possibly, they also assumed you would have come into contact with the language online or through other media. I'm not sure.

However, this wasn't the case for me. I knew perhaps three words because we had four Winnie the Pooh mugs with English words on them at home, and my mother refused to translate them after the third mug.

This meant I had already missed the boat for English. Predictably, my predicament worsened. In High School, things were... worse. Because we started reading English literature while I had always picked books for very young kids for my book discussions in middle school. I couldn't read the books. I literally couldn't.

And 16-year-old-me shrugged and figured whatever. Not my problem (despite it being very much my problem).

But 17-year-old-me realized it may be a little problem. And so I switched my internal dialogue to English to practice. And my vocabulary was tiny, so this was a bit of a problem initially. But it worked. Nevertheless, I quickly realized this wouldn't get me very far. because my internal dialogue didn't need that many words and wasn't complex enough to compete with my enemy: the English literature and the horrible spelling and grammar tests. So, I started writing in English, too.

I still have my first English fic. I'm opening it right now. Google Drive is having some trouble (I would also have trouble opening something with so many crinkly lines). It's a 158k long behemoth of terrible grammar and bad writing. But that's how we learn.

I actually have a lot more than I expected from these first few years of English fic writing. I even have one Star Wars fic from this period (never finished, but that's beside the point)!

Anyway, I stuck with English because English is a beautiful language to tell stories with. It works way better for storytelling than my native tongue.

[babyrdie]

why are you always putting disclaimers like "it's just my interpretation" or "I do not know everything about things" on things? Not complaining just curious. I don't see that much around here

[⭐]

Because if you sound confident enough, people will trust that you're right about everything you say. Because if you just state it, people will believe that your interpretation is the only one possible. I say this from experience, how many times have I seen this happen? In fact, I've even had people do it to me before (take something I said as definitive). And yeah, I don't like it.

It's nice when people agree with me, of course it is, but I want people to see what I post as possible interpretations and not as guides on how to interact with a piece of literature. Like something I said? Take it for yourself, make it part of your own interpretation. Disagree with that detail, though? Well, take the rest, ignore that detail. I don't mind, I do the same with other people. Do you have a question about something I said? Ask me, we can talk and I can explain my point of view better and, even if it isn't your preferred one, we will understand each other. That's how we share.

And I think that, when it comes to details that require prior knowledge (for example, when I use Greek or Latin text and make it clear that I """translated""" with an automatic translator and by checking dictionaries and articles and therefore it isn't confiable), I need to acknowledge my ignorance so that whoever reads it knows that I'm ignorant and won't use me as some kind of authority. Because I am not.

I've met people who sometimes feel intimidated with those who post long analyses, as if because we do that we know more than others. But this type of post is just a way of interacting and sharing thoughts, it's not that different from someone who posts fanart in my opinion. This is still a person who is getting involved as a hobby and who has the same authority on the subject as everyone else. In a fanart, you communicated your thoughts about the scene, about the character, about how you see it. In my analysis, I did the same. It's not that different. And I say this as someone who draws too!

I have a history (note that I'm talking about Brazilian fandoms here. Tumblr mythology side is the first international fandom that I've interacted with with any consistency) of being interpreted as "authoritative" or "serious" because, even in my native language, I write in a way that sounds formal. You know that thing about how language changes the context? Well. People would read what I said and interpret it as me being super serious, confident and knowledgeable… and I was, like, 14 years old? Because yes, when I was 14 I already had people on the internet assuming that I was 22 years old simply because of the way I write lol (note that it's the way I write, not the way I think. In fact, I definitely think that if they focused more on what I said than how I said it, they would have noticed that those were thoughts that were too immature for an adult). In communication, how people see you affects how they take the message. If people think you know everything just because you don't sound insecure while talking, they'll never tell you anything because they'll always assume that whatever they think is uninteresting to you (again, personal experience…it happens in my real life too). I kind of tried to solve the problem by making my insecurity clear? I thought that if I was as clear as possible, I would avoid this.

This is also why I try to explain where I got an idea from (whether primary or secondary source), so that anyone interested can do their own research and have their own interpretations instead of having to rely on me alone because they don't know how to start.

[lokigodofaces]

Guys I just got the best compliment ever today.

So I work at a Mexican restaurant. Almost everyone here is a native Spanish speaker. My native language is English, but I also speak Portuguese. With my Portuguese, the few years of Spanish I took, and lots of practice and effort I can BS my way through Spanish. At least enough to talk to Spanish speaking customers and coworkers as necessary for the job, and some part Spanish part English casual conversations with coworkers. Which has been helpful because sometimes I have to translate for monolingual customers and coworkers. Also I'm the only one that speaks Portuguese so sometimes I translate for Brazilians coming in so everyone here has heard me speak in Portuguese.

Also for context I apparently don't look like a white American? I have darker skin, hair, and eyes, and for years people have thought I am Latina (or something else, but usually Latina). Same with my dad and grandpa, idk why our ancestry is English.

Well today a coworker that knows some English but not a lot asked me today how I learned English. I had to ask her to repeat to make sure I heard right. So I told her I was born and raised in the US and English is my first language and I learned Portuguese while living in Brazil for a while. She said she was surprised and thought I was Brazilian and was amazed by my English. So I talked to her a bit because I didn't learn English but I did learn Portuguese and I told her a bit about what helped me (if anyone cares to know the biggest thing for me was talking a ton to everyone. Though I will grant you that might be harder in the US because it was very rare I met someone in Brazil that was weird about immigrants but it's probably easier to run into xenophobia in the US. Or even just people that aren't patient with anyone learning English. But if you can find someone that is chill talk to them a ton and try to keep having new topics. Bring a dictionary to look things up if that makes you feel better. Also learn to describe things. If you don't know how to say pencil, describe a pencil. 99% of the time the other person will tell you what that word is. But yeah expose yourself to the language a ton via conversations, movies, books, social media, even writing in your journal) but it still made me happy. This girl heard me talking to our Brazilian customers, saw that I wasn't nearly as focused as I was when speaking Spanish, and heard my Brazilian accent when I speak Spanish (I have my native accent when I speak English, I don't have a perfect accent in Portuguese but I don't sound like a gringo, and apparently when I speak Spanish everyone can tell I speak Portuguese lol because I have an accent) and that probably combined with my appearance (in Brazil you'll find people of all races skin tones hair colors etc but that's not the stereotype, but maybe if I was blonde haired blue eyed things would be different for me in this situation) and assumed I'm Brazilian. Which wow. She thought I sounded like a native speaker.

Obviously it would be even more insane if a Brazilian thought I was Brazilian but still the fact someone heard me speaking and was like "yep it's so natural to her probably a first language" makes me go a little insane right now.

[ray935sworld]

Hello, hello) it's me? yes, finally 👻. I’ve got my nails done, so now I could use 💅 just for fun (I feel better if you're interested, but anyway)

I hope you've been doing well lately. I'm sorry that the last ask may have seemed passive-aggressive to you, I HONESTLY AND SINCERELY wrote it only with love and respect. (and probably with a bunch of mistakes…) English is not my native language and the semantic structure of sentences and grammar suffer from this, once again I am very sorry about it.

And FINALLY, I finally finished that wonderful chapter of my favorite divorce. Luka is my dearest stronghold of the mind, and I love him for that. I sincerely believe him, he seems so loving and caring to David, I'm glad that Marc gave him another chance.

BUT with all this fuss, I almost forgot that Marc doesn't even know what caused Mr. "I'm delusional " to behave like this and only now hears the reason. Is it horrible, did he not know the reason all this time??! What a nightmare. What a crazy hell he lives in. Oh, my dear Marc, you're wonderful, you absolutely don't deserve it.

AND yes, the scene with David is terrible, really scary and painful, and even if I understand Vale’s position (which is crazy and delusional as fuck, because it is Marc there is no way, absolutely no way, he can do that) - he believes that he was betrayed, his actions make sense, but damn it, even if you believe he is not yours, is just disgusting. Disgusting behavior. You solemnly assured me that he would answer for it, well... I'm waiting, I really have to grind my teeth, well, it's not that easy, but I'm trying.

As a wonderful @calia23 already said «MY BABY MY POOR BABY! VALENTINO DID IT ON PURPOSE! I JUST KNOW! That he crawls on his knees isn't enough, I need him to suffer!!!», Thank you so much for this.

Thank you for reading my essay,

A thousand kisses to you and your writing 💖

P.S., jokes aside, ghost-anon is absolutely love, please don't change it. Another thousand kisses 💕)

OMG HEEEY MY DEAR 👻 ANON. It's so good to hear from you again!!!

Well, what else can I say except ✨💅SLAY 💅✨

And oh I'm so sorry if it seemed like that passive aggressive was meant in a rude way. I definitely understood it like fun passive aggressive like that "you made me cry with Santi WHY?" I just read it in my head that way and thought it was funny. And please ABSOLUTLY NO WORRIES about english grammar or spelling and stuff like that. I'm not a native speaker either and I love learning languages so I totally understand the struggles. Feel free to describe if there's a word you use in your native langue that you see fitting in a situation but there no equal translation, if you want to. I really don't mind.

So about the divorce AU - OH LUCA MY LOVE 💕 when thinking about his place, making him the loving uncle even post divorce wasn't even up for debate.

And about the question if/ what Marc knew for the reason, so Marc definitely knew that Vale assumed that David isn't his son. I mean in this AU Vale even tells the press. And they had a few fights about this (and the dangerous racing still exists but is only a minor part) At a later point, I'll definitely take the fights they had during the last weeks/ months of their relationship into account and describe them. So Marc knew about the reason (that Vale believed that David isn't his biological son) but I really wanted to kind of highlight Vale's view (which will come back later too! There's a lot of figuring out to do) to show why he reacts so strongly.

I mean Vale's accusation and behavior is very extrem especially cause it is towards two people he considered the people he loves the most in the world. So I feel like the explanation that he sees David as the physical prove of the betrayal is important to understand Vale's view (even if it's wrong and he is delusional but he doesn't believes he is delusional and yes I will milk this part so much you won't believe it! Trust me, my goal is it to make you feel sorry for Vale)

And I love writing disgusting action that have somehow an understable reason so this is also just me being mean in writing ☺️😈

OH AND THAT MAN WILL SUFFER. Mentally (and physical) definitely. But be aware that this AU will kind of take very long. I hope to write soon a little more and then get to the part where I can make the chapters longer but the real suffering Vale part will only be after a little more poor David moments

OH YES @calia23 really brought it to the point. Absolutely lovely. She's amazing. Totally stunning. She is also the one helping me with all this and helps developing many rough ideas and concept. Literally I sent her essay messages after essay messages and not only does she actually reads them but she comments and ask about it!!! MUCH LOVE AND KISSES TO HER! 💕💕💕

And oooh, thank you so much, thousand kisses to you too! I'm so thankfuk for your sweet message :)

[america-is-my-muse]

America's Family Explained [Countryhumans]

Fitting that I start off what I hope will be a little series with headcanons about my favorite countryhuman. As biased as I may be, I also just know the most about US history, so it seemed like the place to start. I've tried to combine actual history with sensical storytelling, because the most by-the-book interpretation doesn't always line up with what makes sense for a character backstory and I've taken some liberties in those cases. I will also be explaining the reason behind my headcanons in case people want to know how I got from A to B, not just dropping them and running

Also, disclaimer that this is MY PERSONAL headcanon/AU. You are free to agree with it or not, but don't leave hate telling me why I'm wrong, just move on because there's no established cannon in this fandom and we can all do whatever we want provided it's not wildly offensive.

Part I: Birthday

Establishing America's birthday seems like a silly thing to do, both because most people are going to immediately assume it's July 4th, 1776 and because it seems such a trivial thing to headcanon unless you're specifically setting out to write a fic celebrating his birthday.

Establishing his birthday, however, is actually really important to everything else I'm going to talk about. First of all, 1776 can't be America's birth year because that would mean that a) he just popped into existence fully formed b) he would miss all of the influential American Revolution events that took place before that and c) it doesn't make sense with the allegory of teenage America rebelling against his overbearing father Britain that I like so much. Instead, I picked the year 1607, because it is the year Jamestown, the first permanent British colony in the Americas, was established. Technically, his birthday should be May 13th, but I like having it on July 4th better, so his birthday is July 4th, 1607.

Part II: Parents

America's parents are Kingdom of France and Britain (The modern UK). This is a debated topic within the fandom from what I've seen, because the common idea that America's parents are France and Britain just doesn't really make historical sense, and frankly I agree.

As for France, modern France is technically the fifth Republic, which didn't come into existence until 1981, but even if you wanted to group all the iterations of French democracy together into a single personification (I don't, but theoretically), that still puts her 18th birthday in 1791 (countries turn 18 when they become independent), meaning it's really unlikely she would have been around and of any reasonable age to bear children in 1607 without any good reason to, therefor I have made Kingdom of France (her grandmother) the mother of America and his full siblings.

The reason this doesn't apply to Britain is because I'm considering the 1535 union of England and Whales as the beginning of British rule rather than the 1707 union of England and Scotland, which is when the name Great Britain formally began to be used. This means he is around to father America in 1607.

Obviously, France and Britain were at odds during this period, but they had entered into an arranged marriage when they were younger and were obligated to have children out of it, thus America and his sibs exist without breaking the universe and having this version of France and Britain actually like each other.

Obviously, there are a couple other candidates for America's parents that I could have used. Technically, Spain makes a lot of sense, but the Spanish Empire is male and married to Kingdom of Portugal in my AU, and Britain as the father is non-negotiable to me, so this isn't an option. I know some people headcanon Native America as his mother, but I feel like combining the entire scope of native culture/language/etc. into a single personification doesn't really make much sense and Kingdom of France works better story/wise (though for what it's worth the different Native American tribes/nations/confederations do have personifications).

Part III: Family

America has a lot of half-siblings between all the British and French colonies, so I'll only be focusing on his full siblings. Canada and Australia are the other two full sovereign nations in this group, Canada for obvious reasons, and Australia because Dutch Empire (the other European candidate for his parent) is also male in my AU, so they needed a mom and Kingdom of France makes the most sense due to being Britain's wife, even though there's no real French colonial history there. I don't have an aboriginal tribe as their mom for the same reason I don't have Native America as America's mom. New Zealand was also raised alongside the four of them, though her mom is actually Maori.

Besides that, America also has two twins--Confederate and Virginia (who was born Jamestown Colony)-- and the other 12 original colonies + the states they would eventually split into are his younger siblings.

The states are obviously America's children, but they're a mix of biological and adopted, and a couple more are at least partial siblings (Louisiana and Washington, for example) by blood, but they all view him as a father figure so I'm going to avoid the minutia in this post.

Ending thoughts

I think I'm going to work my way through the British/French family next for this little headcanon series, but I'll probably keep going until I stop having fun or don't have anything else to say. I'll eventually probably talk about character arcs & histories, but I'm trying to ease into this and not promise too much because I have a bad track record for putting a lot of pressure on myself over a fandom project and then quitting it entirely.

With that being said, feel free to drop and ask if you want to know my HCs about a specific country or some more elaboration on something I mentioned here. I have a pretty developed AU in my head/in google docs so there's a good chance I'll have something to say. No promises if you ask about something I don't really know anything about. I'm absolutely in favor of talking about niche subjects and less popular countries within this fandom, but that does mean I would have to do the research, and I can't promise to have the time or energy for that.

[bumblingbabooshka]

Thank you to @trillscienceofficer for tagging me, this was fun! 1. The provisions shop was small, dark and clearly constructed centuries ago. (From: Can you Hear the Bumblebees Swarm?) Fic about Stonn loving T’Pring and T’Pring loving Spock and Spock thinking he might love Christine and Christine mostly just wanting to have sex. There’s also stuff about what happens to Vulcans who lose their logic because I love worldbuilding apparently! 2. “I’m going.” Noss said after dropping off the bag of spoils for Tom and the not-there doctor to shell and cook. (From: A Good Meal Away from Home) A fic from Noss' POV for this fic! I liked giving her some semblance of a backstory and might write more for her - I love yearning and requited unrequited love. 3. The home Stonn had bought for them was two stories with a small garden by the water, a gate blocking it from the road. (From: The Wanting comes in Waves) This is a T'Pring/Stonn fic in the TOS universe. I had a great time describing their house (as usual) and it was fun getting into Stonn's POV since he's such a literal side character - pretty much makes him a blank slate beyond his devotion to T’Pring! 4.Tuvok had never understood the phenomena of Vulcans becoming attracted to humans. (From: When you Speak you Speak to my Soul) Chakotay punches a guy for Tuvok and Tuvok forgets how to act. Here I was thinking about 'Learning Curve' and Vulcan challenges/ritual violence as a display of romantic interest. 5. “Tuvok, are you able to come home?” T’Pel asked. (From: To Eat Until Full) I really liked this one even though it's so niche! It's Tuvok taking care of making dinner for his family on a starbase pre-Voyager and trying to deal with being away from home. Should he speak his native language more at home? Why do his kids keep asking for pizza? Is he doing the right thing, raising them off-world? Will his father-in-law give him a break and let him cook Aikum-Shur with store-brought ingredients instead of hand-picked produce? What does it mean to be Vulcan? 6. The nape of T’Vok’s neck was a new sight and the only bit of skin on her that was unblemished by bruises from a fight Suder had heard but hadn’t seen, tucked safely away in her quarters, writing poetry poorly and growing flowers. (From: Like Scissors to the Neck) What if we went to an alien bathhouse and I noticed you cut your hair and I wrote you poetry I'll never let you read and I kind of want to kill you and I kind of want to stay with you forever and we were both women? 7. Tuvok was aware that his fellow crewmen speculated about how he would reunite with his wife. (From: Burned into Memory - Glowing Beneath the Surface) Tuvok worries about the fact that he has issues and baggage related to the delta quadrant and he isn't the same person he was before - will T'Pel still want to be with him? 8. They were in a small room sectioned off from the rest of the temple with a heavy weaving rug. (From: The Gardener Moves Forward Through Weeds) A T'Pel-centric fic set while everyone still assumes Voyager is lost forever and its crew are dead. Thinking about Vulcan love and its dangers. Thinking about Vulcan care, how alien methods of care and emotional maintenance may differ from humans. It was fun to write love as a foreign invader. 9. Amanda’s bathroom was small to give space to the other rooms in her apartment and Sarek’s things stood starkly apart from her own, even when they were mixed together. (From: Strange Thoughts) Literally just Sarek and Amanda, young, pre-kids, fucking around. 10. “Doctor?” Kes asked, stepping into sickbay. (From: Away - to or at a Distance) Wanted to write a Kes-centric fic and for some reason decided to ALSO try out a more action focused fic? I don't know how this turned out, I'm more of a 'slice of life' or 'angst' writer but hey, it's fun to try new things! I tag anyone who wants to do it, honestly. I don't know who follows this blog and also writes so it'd be fun to see!

[madrone33]

I'm so glad the PJO show stuck the landing. I've seen a lot of shows lately that have a habit of, uh, not doing that, so I'm really happy I liked the finale episode!

(Also because I watched it with my mum, and she hasn't seen anything but the first two episodes and my rambling recaps, so I'm glad my show didn't disappoint me in front of her lol)

MAJOR SPOILERS for the PJO finale past this point!

There are only two things I can think of that I didn't really like, and that Gabe's- whole thing, basically, soz. I get why they toned him down for the visual format, and I'm not trying to undercut the actual abuse that is still happening, I just personally like Sally turning her piece of shit abusive husband to stone and then selling his statue to get money for a degree lol.

And then also the dropped police plot line is a bit iffy. They probs cut it for time or smth, but it just felt weirdly unresolved. Like, they set it up so well, and then they don't follow through at all, just straight up don't mention it again. Idk, maybe they'll bring it back for the 2nd season? Not sure how that'd work tho. It's a minor issue, but it did feel strange to me.

The rest of it was very well done though, imo!

It starts with Luke saying The Thing but different?? Giving The Last Day of Summer from The Lightning Thief musical vibes fr fr.

The fight with Ares was hella cool, with the awesome wave, and the choreography was pretty well done to my completely inexperienced eye. The ichor looked cool, very handy that it's gold so they can show 'blood' on screen and still keep it PG lol. I was cheering Percy on so hard.

They did the flashbacks so well. Honestly, every episode's done the flashbacks well, but Luke? Oh yeah. As soon as he showed up on screen, helping Percy, preparing him, I knew the end of the episode was gonna hit so hard.

The trio is still amazing. They play off of each other so well, and all their actors are so talented!

The necklace!!

Ok, Percy had zero chill on Olympus. He straight up said his shit to Zeus, knowing he'd probably be killed for it and not giving a single fuck because that was his world and his friends and his mum that were going to be hurt if this stupid war continued, and he was going to make Zeus listen even if it killed him.

And then Poseidon steps in and surrenders and when I tell you I audibly gasped I'm not kidding. Like- The gods don't just back down when they're fighting, that's not how their power dynamic works, how the glory system works, how their pride and respect and status works. I'm probs not explaining it very well 'cause it's like 1:30 am rn, (I really should stop writing these essays at midnight lol) but yeah. Poseidon was giving up a lot. And he didn't care. Because that was his son, and his son was worth more than any glory could give him.

Also, funny side note: after they started speaking what I assume is greek, and then switched back to english, my brain for some reason decided to completely forgot my native language and just- didn't process english anymore. I kid you not, it just registered as sounds without meaning. Completely alien. I sat there without understanding the next four sentences they said until my brain clicked back in and I was like, ohhh, they're speaking english. And then I had to rewind and listen to it again lol.

Zeus smugly saying he'll announce his "swift and crushing victory" and Poseidon rolling his eyes was so sibling energy lol.

... So, does Poseidon yeeting Percy back to camp without answering mean he's too overcome by emotion to say 'yes' or that he's too guilty to admit 'no'?

I like how all the cheering and clapping is muffled out by the music at first, because Percy's still shocked that he's actually alive. It's only when Annabeth hugs him that he fully processes the fact that he's safe.

Gonna be honest, I'd completely forgotten that they thought Clarisse was the Lightning Thief. They did a good job of reminding me though.

Yeah, Luke's betrayal was executed better here than the books imo. First of all, the lighting is immaculate. The past episodes had an issue with night scenes and being super dark, but the fireworks lighting up selective scenes really works.

I like how Percy figures it out first, and almost challenges Luke to deny it. And Luke is- not prepared. He had a plan. He was going to ease into this. And it hurts all the more because Percy is scared and angry and betrayed and Luke never wanted to hurt him.

What's done so well is that you can see how Luke didn't want to fight- and then Percy mentioned Hermes and Luke just snapped. Trigger button. Wrong thing to say. Now, suddenly Percy wasn't the 12 year old kid Luke was trying to save and help, he was just someone who'd said the name of That Man and now Luke was just bitter pain and rage.

Also, Percy accidentally cutting Luke - with a sword that can't even harm him anyway - and immediately apologising, and then Luke only seeing a weakness to exploit and going in for the kill. That hurt.

Ok wait imma copy paste a small ramble I posted earlier to here because it stands true. Here we go:

A bit rambling, a might not make much sense, but had a thought about that scene when Annabeth saves Percy and reveals herself. There's two things that stuck out to me; she didn't let herself show any emotion but anger, and she'd been there the whole time but only interfered just then.

She'd been suspicious enough of something to go against the plan and follow them. She heard Luke confess his betrayal while invisible and alone. She heard his true feelings about the gods, about their parents, and now after everything - after Athena. After Percy - she understood him so much more and so much less at the same time. She'd been locked in shocked grief that froze her, and the only thing that snapped her out of it was seeing Percy beneath the blade of the person they'd both trusted, and the need to protect burnt away the numbness long enough for her to compartmentalise and lock away everything but anger so she could move.

Luke's face though. Oof. All I could think was "She's like a little sister to me." (Don't crucify me if that's not his exact wording, it's almost 2am now, I'm tiiiired.) But yeah, the fact that he probably could've taken them both if he truly wanted, but the moment he saw her and her betrayed, furious face, and then looked down and saw the kid he'd been about to kill- He just ran.

The parting of ways, with the trio at Thalia's tree, bright plans for the future, hugging and smiling and making a pact to come back to each other, no matter what- that was so toothrottingly sweet.

And then the cabin scene? Heartwarming af. The mother and son duo is just. You can feel their desperate relief and love for each other. It's so good.

A bit wary when Kronos showed up, wasn't sure if the whole prior stuff was 'just a dream' but I'm guessing Percy was just remembering how they reunited, and Kronos hijacked his nice memory. That was well done, too. Percy was just so Done with this guy, like c'mon, give the kid a break. And then him waking up with his mum again - like I said; they're so sweet. The fact that this happens often enough for them to have a dedicated book lmao. Also, him calling Kronos grandpa was on point.

It exits out of the window Sally was sitting on! And it's raining!! (Also, another side note, but whenever something exits with a window I just think of The Last of Us episode 3).

Ok so they have to make a second season. It's the law. They gotta.

Hmm. Think that's everything I can think of saying now lol.

(Thank you for everyone who worked hard on this! Even if I don't like some stuff, I know that so many hours of work was poured into this and I appreciate it so much!)

EDIT: OH WAIT I almost forgot Ares completely out of pocket line about Percy's mum, and yeah, no way was he getting out of that now, asshole. Also, the way Percy and Luke's parents are a trigger. The character similarities are similying~

[oddballwriter]

Hey! This isn’t a request or anything but I’ve been reading your fics and I noticed that when you write Jake he refers to reader as “beba”. Which I’m assuming is him calling the reader “babe” or “baby” in Spanish. So I just wanted to point out that it is usually written as “Bebe” cause “beba” come from “beber” which can mean ‘to drink’. You can also use “bebecita” which kind of translates to ‘babygirl’ but is also used as ‘babe’ but like in a way that means they’re a hottie. Or also “Bebita” which is also like ‘babygirl’ but it’s more like an endearment in a ‘babydoll’ kind of way. Spanish is my first language so I just wanted to mention that, hope I’m not coming off as judgy or anything because I honestly love your fics! You don’t have to change anything In your fics if you don’t want because they’re honestly still amazing but I wanted to bring that to your attention just in case. Have a nice day or night! Your doing amazing either way!

P.s. in sorry for the long ramble

Hi. So I'm hispanic and have relatives who are either fluent or their first language is Spanish. I was sort of aware that beba would be seen as the term "to drink" by native speakers but there's a bit of context towards why I have Jake call the reader that and that's because that's a term of endearment in my family with the men calling their girlfriends/wives that. So that's just the way we say bebe and baby in my family.

I was sort of waiting till someone came in and mentioned it because of this but I still used it just because I just see bebcita, bebita, mi amor, mi vida, and all that being used over and over again, and I get that those are common terms of endearment and that they're still cute. But i just sort of felt like using a term that I know and have grown up hearing a lot.

So yeah. It's cool. I was just sort of using my own term of endearment that I have heard before. I'm not against using those other terms, I just wanted to kind of stick out a bit more.

Also, I think it's kinda flirty with the drink meaning too because then he's kind of calling the reader "a nice glass of something" like a drink of water and something that he can't live without.

[uncloseted]

i'm so frustrated because every time i take an english level test i get mediocre results. i have been learning? studying? english since i was 7. everyone always tells me i'm good. i don't know how to say this because this is not a thing in the US but i've been studying to be an ESL teacher for 5 years. my teachers love me and believe in me. i can't afford lessons and even if i could i'm too advanced. but i'm not advanced enough for a bilingual job. and that's the only thing i'm interested in

i don't understand. i think in english, i talk to myself in english, i'm the best in all my classes i don't know what's wrong with me or why i'm stuck at b2. i do everything you're supposed to. this is the only thing i've ever been good at and i'm still not good enough, i feel like such a failure (i'm 24)

If it makes you feel better, I don't think I would have known you weren't a native English speaker if it weren't for the content of this message, so I think you're doing pretty well. From what I can tell, it also seems like B2 is where English language learners start to reach a plateau, so you're definitely not the only person who's struggling with this.

In terms of leveling up your language skills, from what I can tell, the C1 exam involves understanding different types of text, such as fiction, newspapers, and magazines, writing, essays, letters/emails, proposals, reports and/or reviews, understanding spoken material such as interviews, radio broadcasts, presentations, and talks, and then having everyday conversations. Assuming that's true, there are a few things you can do that might help you practice the specific skills that they're looking for.

The first thing I would try is signing up for a language exchange app where you can practice your English with native speakers. As you said, you're too advanced for lessons, but having conversations with native speakers may help you pick up some of the facets of the language that aren't taught in a textbook (like idioms or slang) and give you the opportunity to practice talking about a range of different subjects. From what I can tell, people seem to like HelloTalk for this purpose. I'm also super happy to help out if you'd like, whether that's through chatting or answering any questions you might have about the weirdness of the English language.

Other than that, interacting with the kind of English-language material that they're likely to use on the exam should also help. Reading fiction novels, newspapers, and magazines in English and listening to/watching English-language podcasts, lectures, documentaries, and YouTube videos will probably help you get more familiar with what will be expected of you on the exam.

Good luck! I know it's frustrating to feel like you're not improving as quickly as you'd like, but as long as you keep practicing, you'll get there eventually.