#i appreciate the honesty but you could have told me sooner

[harlequinlestat]

Womp womp.

[adddddiiii]

absolutely part 2! this is so cute and i’m glad that you loved that idea. also love our dog

-🦜

Things We Don't Say #2

Author's Note: Glad you liked part 1!

Contents: Damian Wayne x bestfriend!reader

The next time you and Damian met at the dog park, the air felt different. Maybe it was the way the winter sun clung stubbornly to the horizon or the faint tension Damian had been carrying lately, but something had shifted.

Penny was already dragging you across the park when you spotted Damian on the usual bench. Titus, ever the regal guardian, sat at his feet obediently, his tail thumping against the ground when he saw you approach.

"You're early," Damian remarked as you settled next to him, "you weren't supposed to be here until the evening."

"Maybe you're just late." You were slightly breathless from keeping up with Penny. "What's your excuse this time? Brooding? Secret mission? Titus holding you hostage for more treats?"

He huffed out a small laugh. "None of the above. For once."

Your eyes lingered on him for a moment and you studied his unusual demeanor. Damian wasn't one to wear his heart on his sleeve — quite the opposite, in fact — but you could always tell when something was off.

"You okay?" Your voice dipped to a gentler tone.

Damian glanced at you and his green eyes narrowed slightly, as if debating whether to tell you the truth. Honesty wasn't always easy for him but you had a way of making it feel less daunting.

"I have been distracted," he admitted, his gaze falling to the grass in front of him.

You tilted your head. "Work stuff?"

"No," he paused. His fingers brushed over the edge of Titus's leash. "It's... personal."

You nodded, letting a silence settle between you. Damian had always appreciated how you never pushed or prodded, but simply waited.

Penny bounded over at that moment, breaking the stillness as she dropped a stick by your feet. You leaned down to grab it and tossed it back into the field with a grin.

"She's relentless," you laughed.

"Much like her owner," Damian quipped, a faint smile tugging at his lips.

"Hey!" You flicked his arm with your fingers lightly. "If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were complimenting me."

Damian hesitated and his smile faltered. "Maybe I am."

You blinked, having been caught off guard by the sincerity of his tone. For a moment neither of you said anything and the weight of his words hung in the air.

"Damian-"

"I know it's not the right time," he interrupted. His voice was quieter now. "But you mean more to me than anyone else ever has. And I care about you more than I should, more than just a friend should. I wasn't supposed to feel this way but..." he exhaled sharply, as if the words had been dragging him under, "here we are."

Your heart stumbled in your chest, caught between disbelief and something you couldn't yet name.

"I-" you started but before you could finish, Penny came barelling towards the bench, crashing into Titus and sending both dogs into a tangle of fur and leashes.

The moment broke and laughter spilled out of you as you leaned down to untangle the mess. Damian watched you, a faint smile making its way on to his face despite the interruption.

"You're laughing," he said in a wry tone.

"I'm not laughing at you," you looked up at him, "I'm just... surprised. In a good way."

"Surprised?"

You nodded and stood up to brush off your hands. "You're an idiot."

"Excuse me?" He blinked up at you.

"You should've told me sooner," you sweeped away a stray tuft of grass from his jacket, "because I feel the same way, Damian. I have for a while now."

Relief washed over his features, his shoulders finally relaxed. He let out a small laugh, one that made your chest ache in the best way.

As you sat back down on the bench, the dogs yipped excitedly and ran around the bench.

"Guess they're happy we worked it out," you grinned.

"More observant than most people," Damian replied, his tone lighter now.

As Titus settled back at Damian's feet and Penny began chewing her stick, you leaned closer to Damian. He didn't pull away. Instead, his fingers curled around yours, grounding you both in the quiet realisation that everything had changed — and for the better.

[shoot-the-oneshot]

BEST OF MOTOGP

Marc Marquez x reader x Carlos Sainz love triangle.

Read Part 1 here

3 years ago

With every step towards the garage your heart beat faster and faster, you have been working with the brand for what felt like forever and you finally got it. Redbull social media specifically focused on MotoGP you honesty would’ve been happy with any type of racing but you were ecstatic with your placement.

You don't know why you were nervous everyone has told you again and again how kind Marc was but you’ve had some unsavory experiences with other athletes coming up that didn’t understand or appreciate the new way of technology and in turn you.

You tried to keep your head up walking into the Repsol garage being amazed by the fast past everything was moving at. Being so caught up you jumped when a hand landed on your arm.

“I’m sorry, I’m Marc didn't mean to scare you.” He spoke holding a hand out for you, happily taking it. “Hi I'm Y/n, a part of the media team, its so nice to meet you”

Marcs eyes widened. “A new member of the family! please allow me to show you around.” He lead you all around the paddock introducing you to everyone you passed. Ending back at the Repsol garage he left you to a meeting with your boss wishing you good luck before he sped off to practice.

“He’s really nice right?” You spun to the right at the new voice seeing a slightly older than you blonde woman, who nodded to where you were watching Marc leave.

“Out of all the people I’ve worked with this team is by far the best and most welcoming, I'm Susan by the way while I'm technically in charge as long as you do the job and don't cause havoc we won’t have an issue.” She winked making you drop your shoulders and let out a breath you didn't know you were holding, making her laugh.

“Come on, I’ll show you the best spots for content during the race.”

1 year later (2 years ago)

“I’m really glad you let me come.” Marc spoke almost shyly with a red dusting across his cheeks as he followed your lead down the streets of your hometown. “How could i not, you practically begged.” You teased, smiling as you looked up at him as you stopped walking now there was only a few inches between you both.

“I’d beg just to learn your favorite color if that’s what it took.” He whispered, his fingertips grazing your cheek as he moved a strand of hair out of your face. Marc wishes he remembered the moment he fell for you, when he stopped seeing only the color of your eyes and started seeing his everything in them. But it's times like this he almost doesn’t care when, just that it’s there now.

“It’s red.” You answered breathlessly almost speechless from the was he was gazing at you. Your heart started racing as you noticed how close he’d gotten, his breath fanning across your face. “Tell me to stop.”

“I don't want you to.” Clutching his shirt in your hands to keep him close. Marc laughed lowly brushing his noes against yours, “Then tell me to kiss you.” He had to hear it, he had to know you wanted it as bad as he did before he did anything that couldn't be taken back.

Tired of waiting you pulled on his shirt crashing his lips against yours, Marc got over the shock instantly, pulling you tighter against him, so close you couldn’t tell where you ended and he began . Pulling away only when the need to breathe became overwhelming, even then he didn’t move away far.

“I really wish you would’ve done that sooner.” He smiled against your lips, and reluctantly stepped back remembering you were in public. Not before taking your hand in his. “Where’s that cafe you wanted to show me?” At his words you lit up practically dragging him in your excitement “Oh it’s right around the corner come on!”

During the season you shared many moments like the one shared then, getting closer and closer to each other and after the season you and Marc found yourselves back in your hometown it was just small enough that no one bombarded him plus he had never seen you so relaxed than when you were there. So his pushed to come back during the break.

“Come on champ i thought you were an athlete!” You shouted behind you where Marc was, you wanted to show him one of your favorite hikes it was rough but the view up top was worth it.

“I’m just making sure you don’t fall behind amore.” Marcs words dragged making you look back seeing his eyes locked on your butt, he only smiled being caught making you laugh.

Reaching the top, you shouted in excitement spinning around “we made it! Marc quickly wrapped you in his arms spinning you around kissing all over your face. “Marcy!” You giggled meeting his lips as he set you down.

“Come on we need a picture to remember this great feat.” You cozied up to Marc as you held out your phone being sure to get the view behind you, and capturing Marcs wide grin.

“One last photo together hm?” He said, looking everywhere but at you, sighing you rubbed his arm “It’s hardly the last time we will see each other, I’ll only be gone one season.”

“Practically forever.”

Present

Out of all the things you expected to see once you turned the corner was to see Marc and Carlos in some stand off their respective teams separating the two men. “What’s going on?”

Carlos who was just shaking out of Charles hold looked like a deer caught in headlights. “Nothing”

You looked to Marc knowing he would tell you the truth. But he just walked past you pausing once your shoulders met staring at the wall ahead. “I take it back, don’t pick him.”

Spinning around you grabbed his arm not at all finished with the conversation.

“You always tell me what to do first, not to fall for you now, don't fall for him what do you want!” You exclaimed not able to handle the mixed signals it nearly broke your heart when Marc told you nothing could happen between you two all those years ago because you worked together.

Flashback 1 year and a half ago

You and Marc layed by the pool soaking in the sun, legs tangled together. Smiling as you felt him press small kisses leading to your neck from your shoulder. “Stop” you laughed softly. Pushing him away just making him tighten his hold even more ensuring you couldnt escape. Caressing his face when he pulled away from your neck running your thumb over his cheek bone as he gazed at you.

“What color tie are you going to wear to the gala this year.” You asked out of the blue making his brows furrow and pull away further, making your hand drop. “Probably black why?”

“I wanted to make sure my dress matched.” Being a part of Redbull socials you were invited anyway and thought it would be cute to tie together. But seeing the look he got on his face you were starting to second guess yourself.

“You know no one can know we’re doing this right?” Your world screeched to a stop like a scratched record at his words. “What?” You breathed out. Marc sat up pulling away from you and sighed. “I don't want it to look bad on you if it got out, i care about you and don't want you to get all the hate you’d get for being with me. But we can still dance at the gala.” He spoke cuddling back into you, which you were gad for so he couldn't see your eyes glassing over. “Yeah” your voice cracked “yeah we can.”

(Flahback over)

Marc sighed. “We both knew being just friends would never work.” He grabbed the back of your neck pressing his lips against your forehead. “I’m so sorry for what i said before but i was always yours and i hope you’ll be mine one day.”

With those as his parting words you found yourself alone, needing time for your thought you decided to walk through the paddock to clear your head. Your heart eached seeing Ferrari red everywhere. After Marc shut down any chance of being serious, you begged for a change of scenery landing a place in F1 more specifically Toro Rosso whatever pain you felt Carlos helped you overcome and then you went back to MotoGP and everything got complicated.

“Y/N! Y/n wait!” Your body froze before you could think Carlos stood in front of you the next moment his eyes begging you to hear him out.

“I’m sorry you had to see that, you weren’t supposed to.” He breathed out, hands twitching like he fighting the urge to reach out. “Didnt apologize for doing it” he everted his gaze at your words before straighting up taking a deep breath.

“I know you have feelings for both of us, and i know i can’t do anything about it. But i just want you to remember who broke your heart and who picked up the pieces.” Carlos squeezed your hand that you didn't know he grabbed before turning to walk away,

You sighed falling onto your bed at the hotel, you knew it wouldn’t be smooth sailing with Marc showing up at Carlos race but you didn't expect this much trouble. Carlos was right he did pick up the pieces of your heart after Marc broke it, but part of you wondered what would’ve happened if you didn't run to F1 after that conversation.

During that season Marc didn’t disappear he made his presence known despite the unopened text from him in your phone he still sent flowers to every race and invited you back to Spain for the summer, perhaps he was right. Being just friends would never work

Your inner monologue being cut short by your phone going off, leaning over with a groan your brows furrowed at the text.

Carlos: check your email.

Ignoring the message you open your emails seeing a brand new one from Ferraris head of marketing personal email.

“Hello Y/n, it has come to our attention you were looking at other options outside of your current employer, you have come highly recommended from some of our employees during your time in F1 a few years ago and we would love to add you to our team. Given your close relationship to one of our drivers we think you would make a wonderful addition.

We have reviewed your current contract with Redbull and would like to offer to buy it out and add a 20% raise to your salary plus benefits. No need to interview please get back to us at your soonest convenience.

Scuderia Ferrari, Social media, Marketing team

Practically throwing your phone across the room your breathing picked up. While it was a fantastic offer and one that would definitely keep you and Carlos together it wasn’t what you wanted, wasn’t who you wanted.

Rushing from your bed you pulled open the door to your room and ran through the hallway stopping abruptly as you nearly bumped into Marc a few feet away.

“What’s wrong?” What are you doing out here.” You both spoke simultaneously.

“Ferrari offered to buy me out of my contract.” You rushed out making Marc roll his eyes and chuckle humorlessly. “So that’s what he meant.”

“You, you knew?” You stammered over your words. “That’s what he told me earlier” you’ve never seen Marc so withheld before, at least not with you.

“And you didn't tell me!” You exclaimed, Marc sighed running his hand over his face. “If it’s what you wanted i didn’t want to stop you. Would it kill me, yes, but all i want is for you to be happy even without me.”

“How good is the contract?” He asked before you could say anything, keeping a good few feet between you.

“Really good.” His face hardened at your words nodding his head he made a move to turn away before you stopped him.

“But not good enough to leave you.”

Marc spun back around so fast though thought he would’ve broken something making you giggle. “Really?” He asked needing to be sure it wanted to his imagination. “Ever since that kiss you’re all i wanted.” You whispered being afraid any louder tone would break the spell.

Marc quickly erased the distance between you and wrapped you in his arms nuzzling his nose against yours.

“Tell me you’re mine.” He smiled against your lips reminding you of the first time.

“I’m yours, i pick you.”

That next break you found yourself back sun bathing with Marc at your home in Spain, the sun shining off his wedding ring from its place on your thigh. Your husband sending daggers at stitch who was lounging in your arms.

“I never thought id be jealous of a dog.” He grumbled laying his head back down on your chest when you giggled. “Aw poor baby.” Rubbing your hand through his hair, feeling him smile against your skin. While it was a rollercoaster getting there you wouldn’t change the life you had for anything.

Woah what a ride i hope you guys liked it let me know in the comments Carlos’s part will be out soon check out part one and Carlos part here

Best of both worlds prt1

Best of MotoGP Marcs ending

Best of F1 Carlos ending coming soon

check out my master list for more

Tag list @starxqt @motylekrozi @yeolsbubbles @laura-naruto-fan1998 @mooone90 @damianodavidhands @zig-zzag @its-astrotea-love @peakywitch @obsessed-fan-alert @lenniebordeaux @marelovesf1 @capela-miranda @enjoymyloves @amsofftrack @coffeehurricanes @speedysimp @jasondeservedbetter @chilwell-mount @buendiabebeta @dan3avacado @valkyrie418 @ricsaigaslec @idkiwantchocolate @mydutchproblem @thercher @blckgrl-sunflower @xjval @downinroma @pleasantducktimetravel @princessria127 @caidi-paris @mehrmonga

[storm-angel989]

Hello! I don’t know if this makes sense or not, but I was wondering if you could do Valentino’s child meeting Lucifer? She doesn’t really like him or isn’t comfortable around him though. Sorry if it doesn’t make sense!

(btw, I really love your work! It really brings back a lot of past experiences in a good way and that it is mixed with my fav fandom is even better! Keep the work up! 🩷)

Hi there,

Apologies for the delay. On a personal note, there was a death in my immediate family and I’ve been….really thrown off, to put it lightly. Tonight was the first night since it all began that I was able to sort of sit and write. Hug your loved ones a little extra tonight and remember to treat all those who come across your path with kindness and grace. You never know what battle they might be fighting, and a smile costs nothing to give.

As far as the story, think Reader from OTO. As always, feedback is appreciated!

<3 Mandy

Valentino had no desire to introduce his daughter to her Great Uncle Lucifer. 

Sure, he was there when she was born. Hell, if he was being honest, his magic was probably the only reason his wife made it through the labor itself. But with the chaos of heaven and hell, two busy schedules and a plethora of arguments between Valentino and Lucifer, she hadn’t seen her Great Uncle since before she could remember. 

Nor, was she aware she had a cousin, Charlie. Someone who Valentino also couldn’t stand. Someone who, in her vain attempt at fame or whatever, had the audacity to stand in his studio and speak to him about his daughter. To dare try to convince him to get her and his wife and himself even to her piece of shit, happy go lucky hotel. 

Come to think of it, Valentino wasn’t entirely sure his wife knew about Lucifer’s daughter, Charlie. In fact, if he remembered correctly, Lucifer told his niece that he didn’t have kids. Valentino didn’t know the reason for the lie, and in all honesty, he couldn’t have cared less. All he cared about was keeping his daughter safe, and as far away from that self absorbed angelic blowhard as he possibly could. 

“No, mi amore. We are not going to go to the palace for dinner. Nor are we bringing reader,” Valentino told his wife firmly. “If you want to go, be my guest. But the only thing that man does is piss me off every single time he opens his mouth. I know you love him, and that he’s the only remaining string to any biological family you have left, but he’s a pompous, arrogant…”

“Val, you’re getting your blood pressure up for no reason,” his wife replied mildly. “It isn’t up for discussion. Uncle Lucifer invited us.” 

“I couldn’t care less. She doesn’t have a relationship with him. I don’t want to go. So we’re not going,” Valentino said firmly. “I’m not going to change my mind.” 

And yet, here he was, dressed up and in the limo as he pulled up to the palace gates. 

“Hey, I love you,” his wife whispered with a kiss to his cheek. “Thanks for coming with me.”

Valentino didn’t answer. Instead, he took her hand in his and gave it a gentle squeeze as he watched his daughter press her face to the glass window. 

“Daddy, Mommy, look!” She said excitedly, “its a castle! Like in the story books!”

Valentino listened and watched as his wife joined his daughter. He bit back a smile as he watched the two people he loved the most in the world point and giggle together at the sights. He was still irritated, of course, or at least, he had to pretend to be. But as he watched his wife and his daughter giggle together, a sense of calm washed over him. He supposed he could make it a few hours. 

His daughter cradled with one arm and his wife holding the other hand, he walked towards the front door of the oversized red and black mansion. The castle, he knew from Vox’s data, was more for show. His real house, his real home, was a much larger estate tucked quietly in the back, hidden from the common view. 

Their footsteps had no sooner hit the front steps than the two front doors flung open. 

“Reader! Valentino! And my sweet niece, welcome!” He exclaimed loudly. “Come on in, come on in, everyone is here!”

Valentino felt his daughter hide her face in his neck and he shot his wife a look. She ignored him and quickly followed behind. Valentino found himself a quieter part of the room and stood as he surveyed the room with distaste. Royalty from across the seven rings of hell mingled, laughing and drinking as they socialized. It was all Valentino could do to keep his focus on his daughter, rather than his disgust at the scene in front of him. 

“Well, well who do we have here?” Lucifer’s voice broke across the party. 

Valentino turned as Lucifer seemed to streak across the room. “Ah, Valentino, let me see my sweet little niece! She is the cutest, I bet she is!”

Lucifer outstretched his arms and Valentino felt his daughter's grip tighten and her face burry harder into his neck as she shook her head no.

“She’s afraid of strangers, Lucifer,” Valentino told his father in law firmly.

“Aw, but I’m not a stranger, I’m her Uncle! Come here little one, come give Uncle Lucy a hug!” Lucifer pushed. 

Valentino could feel the frustration rise in his throat. He swallowed back the annoyance, and any smidge of loyalty he might have felt to Lucifer vanished. 

“She said no. Do you understand the meaning of the word? If not, I think we have a book in the diaper bag you can review.” Valentino said coldly.

Anger and embarrassment crossed Lucifer’s face. He opened his mouth to protest, but his Reader grabbed his arm. She flashed a look Valentino couldn’t quite read. 

“Dad! Come here, Auntie Ethea is here and she’s just dying to see you!”

Quick as a flash, Lucifer darted across the room. Reader slid up to his side and leaned on his shoulder. 

“I made an excuse to leave. You ready?”

Was Valentino ever. As soon as they were safely back in the car, he looked to his wife.

“How did you end up so different? So….”

“My father was military. My mother wasn’t there. This lifestyle wasn’t anywhere close to what I was raised in.” Her voice lowered and she leaned into kiss his cheek. “Good job standing up for our daughter. I love you, Val.”

Valentino gave her a soft kiss in return. “Always.”

[lixiesfreckless]

below is my general reaction/review of part one of because even then, I knew by @catboyieejeno . contains SPOILERS

not to mention I did betaread/edit this fic, so it may not have all of my first reactions(and I reread this on call with carina LOL)

"When he was 7 he fell in love."

sorry this is just the most endearing and relatable thing I've ever read. I had my first crush at five years old, pretty much the second I entered elementary school, and the concept of loving someone in a way that differed from how I felt about my parents was so all encompassing and overwhelming, that when my best friend spilled the beans to him, I had never felt more rage towards a person than I had towards her in my entire(albeit, short-lived) life. crazy how things become magnified before you reach adulthood lmaoooooo

"Why can't he stop looking at you?"

I can't get over how insanely human this feels. It's such a humbling feeling, having your apprehensions about something and nevertheless veing drawn to it all the same. Especially when that "thing" is a person. The juxtaposition between "I swore I'd never" and "why do I keep running into this" stirs some kind of critical thinking in all of us that I CANNOT get enough of ughhhhhh

"Seokmin found himself looking forward to seeing you every single night from then on"

not much to say here my heart just hurt a little bit remembering what that felt like. it feels so innocent, and you try to find other reasons for your selfish actions, but sooner or later you admit to yourself the real reason why you do what you do and it's so. SOOOOOOOOOOOOO

that part where seokmin dreams about how you'll thank him for returning your phone and also readying himself to stand "he didn't forget, he just wanted to sound nonchalant"

painfully human. I have to applaud you for how relatable all of these emotions are. and it makes me kind of happy how obvious it is that in this story, I'm seokmin instead of y/n YIKES

"And stop moping. You're making the flowers sad. They feel these kinds of things"

LITERALLY JUST READ A MINGHAO FLOWERSHOP AU WHERE A SIMILAR THEME WAS PRESENTED UGH I LOVEEEEEE

"Are you still sulking over the pretty girl from the bus?"

ngl I would die of embarrassment here lmao there is no way he just got outed like that lmao

"Simply put: you were not her."

ahhhh subtle but appreciated emotional maturity. that's hot

"he starts counting down the hours until he can see you again."

TOOOOOO REAL I WANNA BE IN LOVE AGAIN AHHHHH

"I wanted to."

THIS. why is it casual honesty that feels the most attractive to me? my ex's close friend had told me that honesty is intimacy and I think she might be right. the vulnerability has to be somewhat attractive to me but MANNNNNN it's always gonna get to me isn't it?

"This is me"

never ever EVER getting over this double entendre. "this is me" meaning that that is your bus stop, but also that that song was just the embodiment of you. and seokmin not only accepting but LIKING that part of you is more than wholesome IT MAKES ME WANT TO RIP MY HAIR OUT

"You don't have to, even if you brought it all the way out here. It's up to you."

as someone who plays guitar, this is so reassuring. a lot of time the pressure/nerves of playing in front of someone gets to you and it feels too daunting of a task, so the reminder that it's up to us is genuinely so kind

"Have you always been this lovely, or am I just starting to see it now?"

stood up from my bed and clapped(in my head)

"A little embarrassed but somehow happy to be caught."

"happy to be caught" THE WAY I COULD WRITE A WHOLE E S S A Y ON THIS

"What's this doing all the way out here?"

no bc an american penny all the way in seoul is kind of magical. like it was meant for them. ughghgshghsjdhsdgjs

"your hands anchoring each other"

the way this is phrased is so beautiful but I honestly just needed a minute to rant about the entire karaoke/kiss scene. as someone who has lived through that kind of love-drunkenness, it is insanely well written and accurate. the unexplainable gravity between the two of you, the not wanting to be far from each other, the inability to find reasons to leave each other, the reluctance to look away, everything. that kind of stumbling down the street with stars in your eyes love is something that I hope everyone who reads this fic experiences one day. it almost hurt a little bit to relive that, knowing that my heart is similar to dk's in the sense that it's apprehensive towards feeling it again, KNOWING where it leads if everything goes wrong. ITS SO COMPLEX but the scene is so sweet I just wanna lie down and cry

I'll post a separate one for part two <3

[bradshawsbaby]

Hi! 👋🏻 Thanks for opening requests for TGM's 1st anniversary! 😘 I'm having thoughts about Rooster or Hangman actually being a mechanic. 👀 I don't know why the beach scene helped quite a lot. 😇 Have a nice day!

Mechanic!Bradley was something I never knew I needed until this moment! I may have gotten slightly carried away 😂

It all started when you needed an oil change.

“It’s been a while since I’ve had one,” you admitted to your friend Charlotte over lunch one day, after complaining about a couple other problems you’d been having with your car lately. “My dad would probably kill me if I told him that,” you added with a laugh.

In all honesty, you had no idea what you were doing with your car. Whenever you’d run into issues in the past, or needed things like an inspection or an oil change, your dad had always handled it for you. But since you’d moved out to San Diego on your own, you’d been left to fend for yourself when it came to such matters.

The main problem, as you explained to Charlotte, was that most mechanics could sniff out your naïveté right away and looked for any opportunity to exploit it and overcharge you.

“Oh no, you have to go to Mike’s guy,” Charlotte insisted, immediately grabbing her phone and scrolling through her contacts. “He has his own garage. Mike’s been going to him for years. If you tell him you know us, he’ll give you a good deal,” she assured you.

If Charlotte’s boyfriend trusted this guy, then you knew you could, too.

“I’m texting you his number now. His name is Bradley Bradshaw,” she explained, tapping away on her phone until she hit SEND. “He’s really nice. And really cute. And from what I know, really single,” she added with a wink.

“Charlotte!” you exclaimed, feeling your cheeks grow warm. “I just need a mechanic, not a date.”

“I say you need both,” Charlotte grinned, nudging you playfully.

You ended up calling Bradley Bradshaw the next day and making an appointment to bring your car in.

“This guy better not charge you more than $75,” your dad insisted when you spoke to him on the phone. “And even that’s pushing it. He tries to charge you a penny more, you just walk right out of there.”

“Alright, Dad,” you nodded, working hard to hide the amusement in your voice.

Ultimately, Bradley Bradshaw—who was incredibly cute, just as Charlotte had said—only ended up charging you $40 for the job.

“That’s it?” you asked with wide eyes, mentally kicking yourself for giving away your surprise.

Bradley chuckled, wiping his freshly scrubbed hands on a small white towel, which he then tucked into his back pocket. “That’s it,” he nodded, smiling at you. “It’s an easy thing to do, plus you come highly recommended from Mike and Charlotte,” he grinned.

You felt butterflies in your stomach when he smiled at you and you suddenly forgot how breathing worked. Fingers trembling slightly, you opened your purse and pulled out $60. “Here you go,” you offered, handing him the money. “Keep the change. Please.”

“Oh, you don’t have to,” he insisted, trying to get you your change.

“No, no. Thank you. Really,” you said, waving your hands. “It’s hard to find a trustworthy mechanic. I’m glad Charlotte recommended you.”

And not only because you’re breathtakingly gorgeous, you left unsaid.

“Well thank you,” Bradley said appreciatively. “Next oil change will be on the house.”

“I might be back sooner than that,” you admitted sheepishly, rubbing your arm. “My car’s kind of been acting up lately.”

“Can’t have that now, can we?” he replied, running a hand through his sun-kissed brown hair. “Why don’t you bring it back on Friday and I’ll see what I can do?”

“Okay,” you squeaked, trying not to focus on how good he looked in the white sleeveless shirt he was wearing, streaked with oil and grease.

And that was how you ended up going to Bradley’s garage every couple weeks, every time some new issue with your car popped up. At first, you really were having issues. Your steering wheel needed realigning, your brake light went out, you needed a tire change. Bradley always handled your cases personally as opposed to handing them off to one of his men, and he always charged you a fair price.

“Hey, he charged you even less than he charges me!” Charlotte jokingly complained once when you told her. “He must like you,” she added, waggling her eyebrows.

What you didn’t admit out loud was that you certainly liked him. Very much so.

It wasn’t just that he was handsome, though that was certainly the case. You’d never seen a man more rugged and muscular, and you’d also never been so attracted to a mustache in your life. But it was more than that. Bradley Bradshaw was also kind, funny, and a gentleman to boot. He was always patient when he spoke to you about whatever trouble your car was having, and he always made sure to personally walk you out whenever you visited his shop.

Which was why you’d now started visiting him for even the tiniest of problems.

“Hi, Bradley, I’m sorry to bother you, but my car was making kind of a funny sound on my drive home from work today. Would you mind looking at it?”

“This light keeps coming on and I don’t know what it means. Do you think you could help me figure it out?”

“Do you think I should get my car detailed? I keep hearing people talk about that.”

You felt like a fool, but you couldn’t help yourself. For his part, Bradley always indulged you. He never laughed in your face or told you to get lost. And lately, he hadn’t even been charging you for your silly little visits that took up his valuable time.

One day, however, after performing a thorough check on your car, he approached you with a hand on the back of his neck, rubbing at his tanned skin. “Hey, so I looked everything over, and I really can’t find any issues. I know it’s an older car, but I really think she’s got a bit more life left in her.”

“Oh,” you nodded, deflating slightly. You were running out of excuses to hang around the garage.

As if reading your thoughts, Bradley went on, “I hate for you to always have to go out of your way to come here. Unless you run into some major issues, I really think you should be good until it comes time for your next inspection.”

That was months away.

“Oh,” you repeated, deflating even further. You supposed this was his nice way of telling you to stop bothering him. “Okay. I’ll just come back in a few months then.”

Bradley surprised you by placing a hand on your arm. “Even if you’re not coming around with your car, I’d still really like to see you,” he murmured, his ears turning red. He almost looked a little shy.

“You would?” you gasped, once again unable to mask your surprise.

“Of course,” Bradley nodded, grinning brightly. “You don’t think I put in this many hours for just any customer, do you?” he teased.

It was your turn to look shy.

“I would really like that,” you told him, biting your lower lip as a smile broke out across your face.

“Can I give you a call tomorrow?” he asked, nervously shifting from foot to foot.

“Yes,” you replied quickly, your eagerness showing.

“Great,” Bradley beamed, his dark eyes sparkling.

This time, when Bradley walked you to your car, he rested his hand on your lower back and helped you settle into the driver’s seat.

“Until tomorrow then,” he smiled, brushing his fingers against yours.

You grinned, already thinking about how you had to call Charlotte. “Until tomorrow, Bradley.”

From my “TOP ONE” Anniversary Celebration! (Requests are now closed)

[nescaveckwriter]

Old Barrooms, Saving Grace & Guitars - Chapter One 🐞🤠

A/N: Alohaz, my dear bugsies, this is not requested, but instead a prompt I saw, for the 'month of love' to write about a rockstar, and who better than our 'Dean Winchester', but I'm gonna warn, y'all this is a tear-jerker, I hope you all enjoy this first chapter, if you do, please let me know.❤️🐞

Side Note: Thank you for all the love Bugsies, I appreciate all of your support.🥰❤️

Warnings: Some profanity, mentions of death, drug use and alcohol use mentioned, if anything else, please let me know.🙈🙊

Also Please take Note: That only the first song/poem is my own work, as for the other lyrics used in this chapter, is from 'War Hippies' aswell as 'Carolyn Dawn Johnson'🤠🥰

Description: Famous Country-Rock Artist, High On Drugs, Booze & Guilt, after almost hitting rock bottom and meeting a angel in a smoky old bar room, his saving Grace, he finds his way, during the last words she'll ever say.

Chapter One 🐞🤠

The sound of the acoustic guitar plays throughout the studio, the man's voice, tugging every heart string as his southern draw comes through with every word, ''You were my saving Grace, my safe space, maybe if I prayed a little longer, the bond between me and up above would've been stronger, maybe if you told me sooner I could've loved you for a while more, but that's not what fate had in-store, between my whisky drinking, my heart and hopes sinking, into the darkness I wanted to dive, then you came along, with your eyes, looking so full of life, I'm man enough to admit that at first I hated you, my heart already knew, but my mind had no clue, Your honesty took me by surprise, your smile could brighten up a room like a sunrise, your sweet voice told me not to fall in love, but how could I not, ho do I just make it stop, when I first tasted your lips, feeling the touch of your fingertips, you made it possible again, for me you know, the part of living, when the news came you were dying, of course it destroyed me, she just smiled and said that's how it's supposed to be, I found my way, in the last words, she'll ever say, during her last breath, I found my will to live, I realized during that time, I found true meaning of love and light, Knowing, she weren't just my lover, she was my Saving Grace, oooooh, she was my saving Grace'' 

As he looks up over the studio, you can see his emerald-green eyes, is moist, his dirty-blonde beard, defining his amazing jawline, the smile on his rosy plum lips is warm, raking his longer hair through his fingers, so it will fall backwards, and out of his face, showcasing the lines on his face, telling a story of a few hard years. His smoky voice fills the emotional crowd. ''Thank you'' he mouthed.

Walking closer to the dark brown armchair, he greets the woman with the short blonde her, pulling her into a side hug. 

Her voice a little hoarse, ''Welcome Dean, glad you could finally make it,''

''Thank you for having me'' he smiles

''That song was beautiful as always, it always leaves a tear or two,'' she chuckles, while swiping away the last evidence of the wetness on her cheek.

Letting out a laugh ''Thank you, this song means more to me than anyone will ever know,''

''Yes, for sure, its so different from your usual stuff'' she suggested

''That's very true Claire, the other songs were just words, stringed together, but this, this, song its a story, its my reality, it was Grace's reality, it speaks about me hitting rock bottom and how she saved me'' his voice breaking a little at the end.

''I hear you, that woman had a voice of an angel'' she said smiling

''More like a choir of southern angels'' he lets out a chuckle

Laughing with the good looking man, ''Tell me Dean how does it feel knowing, you've reached double platinum and millions of online streams, with your song 'Saving Grace'''

Pulling his fingers through his hair, a smile curving on his lips ''You know Claire, I feel blessed of course, I never thought that it would reach so many people, but I'm satisfied in knowing that it means so much to them''

The live studio crowd, cheers and claps, in response. One of the guest's takes the microphone , going around, ''Excuse me Dean, can I ask you a personal question?''

Turning his glance towards the woman in the crowd, smiling, ''I'm a open book, ask away''

Smiling excitedly, ''How did you two meet, or rather what's the story behind the song?''

Letting out a nervous chuckle, ''Well, I met her during the darkest time of my life, when none of you wanted to listen to my music anymore, and I was a drunken, jerk with a huge ego''

''I always loved your music'' she laughs

''Thank you'' he smiles ''Well it all started two years ago''

----

'Heard about the crossroads

Yeah it's a real thing

Sold my soul, traded love out for a dream

Yeah she's gone for good and it's killing meWhen the curtain falls

And there ain't no missed calls

The room is empty

And I should be feelin' ten feet tall

The shootin' star that's killin' it

But I ain't feelin' nothin' at all'

''Thank You'' he shouted, stumbling off the stage, with his guitar, holding onto the walls, as he walks backstage, ordering the drummer, for another bottle of whiskey, Garth just shook his head, and handed him the bottle, knowing, there's no use trying to make him see the light.

As he fell down, on the couch of his dressing room, swallowing, away the gold liquid, hearing his manger saying the same old tune, ''Dean, you got to start getting your act together, your loosing fans with your drunken ass, when last did you write, some of your own songs'' 

Glaring at the old man, ''The people love me, I'm Dean freaking Winchester, best damn, country-rock artist, they've ever heard, the charts don't lie'' he slurred, 

Clearly frustrated with Dean the old man leaves, walking into the smoky old barroom. The bar was just almost too quiet, you could hear a pin drop so to say. Glancing over at the stage, there stood a woman, he heard about her, but never really heard sing.

Her voice was sweet and filled with a deep southern accent, almost like Wynonna Judd, or Dolly Parton. ''Good evening, Nashville, who's ready to go back to their old country roots, tonight I'll be doing one of my favorite songs of Carolyn Dawn Johnson,'' the crowd cheered ''Yes y'all its 'Die of a broken heart'

'And take me fast or take me slow

I don't really care how I go

In the daylight or in the dark

Just don't let me die of a broken heart

Take me fast or take me slow

I don't really care how I go

In the daylight or in the dark

Just don't let me die of a broken heart

No, don't let me die of a broken heart

No'

A sweet smile, on her face, revealing the rosy cheekbones,  her fair skin damp, from the heat, her strawberry blonde, hair draped over her shoulders, the blue denim jacket hugging her hourglass figure, her electric blue eyes glistening, with the stage lights, her voice filled with life, ''Hit it Jimmy, lets give these folks a little taste of a simple life''

'Spend my days in the sweet sunshine

Rock in my swing and watch my garden grow

Know that I'll always have someone to hold

Oh I wanna live the simple life, yeah

I wanna take a blanket down to the creek

And let the water sing me to sleep

And let go in time

Live the simple life..

Well lately I've seen too many city lights

I wanna go somewhere where i can see the stars at night'

As he listened too this beauty singing her heart out, he had an idea. Almost running over too Dean after he'd had a talk with her manager, only too find the man passed out drunk. When he promised his daddy he'd take care off him, he'd never would've guessed this would happen, he's not really sure were Dean's life took a turn for the worst, maybe the day his brother walked away, not wanting to deal with his crap anymore, hell maybe the day, his fame went to his head, maybe the day the car crash took Kevin's life, but whatever it was, he needs too find a way to help him, and something tells him that Grace Tucker is the answer.

Chapter One Here :)

Chapter Two Here :)

[quotergirl19]

The night of Polin’s engagement party:

Lady Danbury: What troubles you Miss Featherington? Isn’t this what you wished for? For Mr. Bridgerton to choose you? To be able to call your dearest friend your sister, and the man you’ve pined for, your husband. You will never need to worry about money or security ever again because you will be a Bridgerton. Finally and rightfully. The family loves you. You will be happy with them. So why do I get the impression that you are having second thoughts.

Penelope: It all happened so quickly. One day Colin was proclaiming he would never dream of courting me and the next he was proposing at the queens ball. If we’d had a courtship, we would’ve had time to talk about everything… about things he does not know about me. What if he finds out and regrets choosing me? What if he comes to resent me, thinks I trapped him and hates me for it. What if he leaves me? I cannot lose him. I do not know what to do.

Lady Danbury: What on earth could you have possibly done that would elicit such a response?

Penelope: Nothing of course. I only mean that—

Lady Danbury: I have seen, you two together, we all have. The Queen herself is certain that he loves you. He might be surprisingly understanding and even appreciative of the gamble that honesty and trust are. Put your faith where it belongs, and confide in your betrothed Lady Whistledown.

Penelope looks nervously at Lady Danbury, realizing that she figured out her secret, and Lady Danbury just smiles and tells her that she would like to have her over for tea soon. A private tea so Penelope can tell her how and why she started writing and to discuss how best to handle the Queen’s ongoing and well known search for Whistledown’s identity. Lady Danbury also tells Penelope to bring her new husband so they can work to devise a plan for how best to tell the Queen.

Penelope finds Colin to tell him she has a headache and wants him to escort her home. Once alone Colin starts kissing her but Penelope pulls away and he can tell something is wrong because Penelope looks sick and she’s clearly stressed. He asks her to tell him what has her in such a state and she does. She confesses that she is Lady Whistledown and explains what she did and why she did it. Her hands are shaking and she can’t meet his eyes at first because she’s so afraid of seeing his anger or worse, his loathing. Eventually Pen looks at Colin and he is clearly furious.

Penelope is sure that she’s just ruined her only chance at happiness and she knows she’s going to break down and burst into tears because Colin must hate her now. She does her best to keep her composer but her voice cracks as she places her engagement ring on the table nearest Colin and promises he never needs to see or speak to her again. That she will leave town for good if he will give her a day to make arrangements. She turns to reach for the door handle and he’s beside her in an instant, pushing the door shut. He still isn’t speaking so Penelope wasn’t sure if he meant her harm and she instinctively flinched away. Colin is horrified that she could ever be afraid of him when he would never hurt her. Not ever. Colin told her that he was furious she hadn’t confided in him sooner. How if she had, it might have prevented so much because he would have helped her. But most importantly that he would always protect her because he loved her. She was his woman, his Penelope. His wife.

That night with their families and the entire ton across the square at their engagement party, Colin placed his ring on Penelope’s finger, and they exchanged confessions of love and vows from the heart. They made promises and planned their future and it would be just a few days before they were legally wed, but that was the night they became an unbreakable team. It was also the night they conceived their first child, a son. The future heir to the Featherington title.

[elskamo]

Dafuq is happening with Ron? The Masterpost!

Hey all, sorry it's taking me a while to update you properly about what's going on IRL. There is... a lot that's been happening and some of it has taken me awhile to wrap my head around and figure out how to explain so please bare with me.

If you just want to know what's happening with my various blogs and accounts (on Tumblr that'd be this blog right here and @official-fresh-tv-blog) then feel free to skip to "My Fandom Situation" at the end of the post (hence the Total Drama tag attached). At some point I'll be updating the abouts on both blogs so if you CBA to read this then you can at least get a vague idea of what's changed when those update. You may also be able to kinda twig one of the main announcements from the tags as well.

I'm gonna put all this shit under the cut because it is LONG. As always if I forget to tag something please let me know so I can add it ASAP. And if you have any questions please don't be afraid to ask me outright.

My Health Situation

As I've mentioned before both my physical and mental health are utter shite that I barely get any help with. I have very little recollection of my childhood, especially before age 8 or so, as an adult when it comes to my dissociation I only lose a couple of days memory at most. Despite this I recently lost two whole months of my memory, hence my disappearance around late April/early May to late June/early July.

A couple of weeks ago I was finally able to speak to a doctor on video call about my mental health and to get a clearer picture on what my dissociation actually is. Given my background and anecdotal evidence from friends (but not family because they notice absolute fuck all) I'm pursuing a more up to date diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder which the doctor agreed is likely (as well as FINALLY getting an official C-PTSD diagnosis). In total honesty I've had my suspicions since around 2018/19 when friends started mentioning suspicious changes in my behaviour and voice as well as my apparent use of a completely different name at one point.

When I finally started interacting with other people who dissociate within the Total Drama fandom during the lockdown in 2020 I realised what might be happening and kept telling myself to reach out to other users but I was far too scared to say anything due to my own lack of knowledge on DID and Dissociation in general and my confusion about how I could possibly not know for so long. If there are any users with DID that are willing to reach out I'd really appreciate it, especially as I'm getting used to the various terminology and figuring out how to interact with the rest of the system, most of which understandably ignore me for the most part given some of my previous shitty and ignorant behaviour and reluctance to get properly diagnosed.

I still haven't told the family I am in touch with simply because they don't particularly give a shit about my mental health, they tend to just assume they know what's going on and run with that. The fact that zero people in my family noticed anything strange when other people around me did also put me off saying anything, right now I'm planning to wait until I have an official diagnosis but I may say something sooner.

I'm waiting on two appointments, one with the same doctor to catch up in September and one with a psychologist who'll have a deeper understanding of trauma and Dissociative issues. I'm also waiting to start new meds as mine have been completely overhauled, this means I'm currently having withdrawal symptoms coming off the old ones and when the new ones are finally ready I'll likely be a bit erratic for the first few weeks due to the side effects. Apologies in advance, I promise several people IRL have been informed and will be keeping an eye on me to make sure I'm okay until the meds kick in properly.

Following my two month memory lapse I also had Covid for the majority of July and am still kinda foggy now, which explains the rest of my absence. I'm not entirely sure what my physical health is like due to having lost my memory but my chronic pain doesn't seem to be flaring up at the moment at least, that being said I was having major problems with my chronic pain prior to my two month dissociative period.

On the plus side of things I finally have an appointment booked with a new NHS gender identity clinic in London so that I can get assessed to start Testosterone therapy! At the moment it's tentatively booked in for September 3rd however I've been told they may be able to move it to a different time slot if they can find one with one of their newer staff given how difficult it'll be for me to travel up there for the early morning (for context it takes about 3 hours to get to London from where I am in Dorset and another 3 hours to get back, most of the appointment slots are at 8 or 9am!)

My Home Situation

Absolute fuck all has changed with my home situation. I'm still stuck at the house where I was previously abused a lot and am not currently in a position where I can find a new place or move in with someone else. A couple of friends have offered to let me sofa surf back and forth between them if needed but I have no immediate long term plans.

I found out a couple days ago that Damien decided to make a post on my behalf venting about my home situation which I will now be deleting. Essentially while everyone in the household caught Covid last month my relationship with my Mum swung back to being quite abusive again and she threatened to kick me out. That being said, I will acknowledge she has genuinely been trying to understand my situation and be a better mother towards me since I became homeless the first time around back in 2018 and no physical abuse has taken place since then.

Right now it appears I'm safe but at the time Damien posted there appeared to be a very high chance that I was going to be kicked out and have nowhere to live. My mum hasn't brought up her threats again since Damien's vent post so hopefully we still have somewhere to stay for the time being.

My Money Situation

Leading on from my home situation, my money situation has worsened drastically. As many of you know I've been fighting a losing battle for years attempting to get my disability benefits back and since being made redundant twice I've been living solely off of the single component of Universal Credit which amounts to less than £400 a month to cover all my living expenses. My housing benefit is gone until I'm able to leave Mum's and I'm still waiting for my appeal to get the unfit for work/sick portion of my Universal Credit back.

My mum refuses to budge on the amount of money that I pay her to stay each month and she has recently been getting me to pay for more frivolous expenses like multiple takeaways because she hasn't been buying enough groceries and being ill has left the three of us unable to cook. Factor in other expenses like transport to get to appointments, the most basic phone bill I can get away with, and unexpected emergencies like my tech breaking and I'm no longer able to cover my living expenses at all and no longer have any savings money left to cushion the blow.

I'm now at a point where I'm in my overdraft every month and resorting to begging friends for loans to keep me afloat so I don't get charged. The situation with my health has not helped with being able to find work, either freelance or a permanent role, so unless I'm able to get money from things like my Ebay, Etsy, or Redbubble stores I don't have anything else coming in that can help me cover my most basic needs.

I'm doing my best to get back on track with job hunting as both the job centre and the local Restart program I've been forced to go onto are insisting I need to be applying for a certain amount of jobs per week and attending regular face to face appointments with them otherwise they'll take away my benefits. I've almost finished updating my CV and website and have a mandatory job fair I've been told to go to on Wednesday so hopefully I can find work again soon, but given my health situation and the fact that I shouldn't actually be working this may still be very difficult.

I know I post about this a lot and many of you have your own financial struggles but please if you're able to, donate to my Ko-Fi page or buy something from one of my stores. Even if you're not able to help me directly just sharing them with your friends/followers can make a huge difference!

My Fandom Situation

You may have noticed by now that my Etsy store has been closed for a few months and I've gone back to posting a lot more infrequently on my Tumblr, DeviantArt, and Archive of our Own accounts. I've also been letting asks pile up in my inbox. I'm attempting to catch up on my fandom stuff as fast as I can but obviously I'll be doing this around all the IRL stuff I'm dealing with.

For some reason a lot of the asks and messages I've been receiving have been straight up disappearing, right now I only have one ask on each blog and one private message to my knowledge, everything else has somehow gone. If when I post answers to both asks you don't see yours answered please feel free to send it again and I'll get to it as soon as I can! If it's something I'm not comfortable answering I'll say so outright so you know that I did receive and view your ask.

I have a massive backlog of fics and art I'm trying to finish off and post, again I'll get to these as and when I can before starting on any new projects. I've been keeping a spreadsheet of all the smaller pieces I want to work on for people to vote on once I've cleared my backlog. My larger projects will take a little (okay, a lot) more time to post.

I'll only be reopening my Etsy store once I'm certain I've got a handle on my health, as usual I'll only be accepting a few orders at a time and keeping the prices fairly cheap so they're more affordable for people that want to buy. As always, Redbubble is always active as is my Ebay account, though there are still a few products I need to update or upload on both platforms that aren't on there yet. If there's any art you'd like me to prioritise adding for you to purchase on Redbubble please feel free to reach out and let me know.

I'm going to be updating the about posts on both my Tumblr blogs soon to better reflect what they're for and who is posting. I'm currently planning on making the Ronnie Rambles tag my personal one instead of using it just to show which posts have been queued up ahead of time. The two alters that I've talked to will definitely have their own tags as well though I have no idea how often they'll be posting.

[polyamorousmisanthrope]

Don't Be the Cool Chick

https://polyamorousmisanthrope.com/wordpress/2016/05/25/dont-be-the-cool-chick/ I am in a relationship and in love with someone who is poly-curious, but I also currently don’t trust him. I met him several years ago and we had a strong connection that left me broken-hearted when he (very sheepishly) admitted that he had a long-distance girlfriend. He then left overseas for a winter, during which time, I was catapulted to a whirlpool of self-abuse. I am currently realizing and coming to terms with low self worth issues and am making great strides!

After the winter, he contacted me and wanted to patch things up. He had broken up with his girlfriend and had felt guilt over what happened. I forgave him and we eventually became a couple. But I soon realize that our perception of our relationship were not aligned. Last November, he revealed to me that he met another women that he felt a strong connection to and have similarly led her on, betraying both of us. I cannot tell you how bizarre it was to be on the other side of this and how stupid I felt to be deceived twice. He is also on his own journey of self-discovery and has made indications that he might be polyamorous or at least poly-leaning. I am trying to figure out if I am okay with being in a poly relationship, but it has been a big struggle. He is genuinely sorry and promises to be honest from now on.

In a way, polyamory seems like a utopia where all of my worst flaws – insecurity, jealousy, obsessive behavior – have to be dealt with and resolved in order to work. I wondered if I could be poly if only I didn’t have this past or maybe in other relationship. However, we both know that our past cannot be separated from us and I am currently in this relationship.

He is clear that he wants me to be his partner but in order for him to be happy, he has to not feel constraint to explore the connections he feels with other women. He said that he would not pursue a physical relationship, but does not want to and will not stop an emotional one. I press him to define if he means polyamory, but he refuses to label it. Would it be fair to ask him to use labels? I feel like I am being accused of being restrictive and closed minded if I do, but using strict vocabulary would be so helpful!

I am working on myself every day and he has been supportive and a big part of my self-discovery in this and other areas. I know that love clouds judgement and would appreciate some observations on this situation. I am trying to trust him, but I am always thinking in the back of my mind – if i am betrayed again, i will be the biggest fool of them all for not ending it sooner.

Thanks again for your time and thoughts.

You are right that working on jealousy, insecurity and obsessive behavior are great things to do.  No matter what path your life takes you down, this would be a good thing.

The thing is, when we work on trust issues, this isn’t to tie ourselves into knots to trust people who don’t deserve to be trusted.  He has to earn your trust, cupcake. You’re not being closed-minded.  You’re being told you’re not The Cool Chick because you expect some damn honesty, and want some expectations set.  This isn’t about his needs or any confounded journey of self-discovery. It’s about you being told you’re more developed if you’re convenient.

If he really, honestly, wants a relationship with you, he is going to have to re-earn your trust.  Thing is, earning trust is not necessarily about him always telling you what you want to hear. It’s about telling you the truth, even when it’s hard and he’s worried that the truth is going to be a deal-breaker.  We do not want relationships under false premises, right? 

I would encourage you both to read the article I wrote sometime back on How to Rebuild Trust. The tl;dr version is basically that the person who has broken trust has to commit to being fully truthful and forthcoming – no rules-lawyering, and volunteering info they know the partner would want to have, even if it’s uncomfortable.  The person whose trust has been broken will need to presume benevolence and not put the person’s behavior under a microscope.

As I think about your situation, though, it’s not as if he screwed up, is very sorry, and is committed to repairing it.  He’s developed a pattern of dishonesty. He still refuses to commit to saying specifically what it is he wants to do. By not nailing it down, he denies you an opportunity to make an informed decision about whether or not this is really what you want. From your letter, he does not exhibit behavior that looks in any way to me like someone who wants to repair a relationship. It seems to me he just wants to get the demanding bitch off his back.  Sorry for putting that in such a harsh way.  I don’t think insisting on honesty as a condition for a relationship is particularly demanding.  However, people who are into emotional manipulation are past masters at using any compassionate feelings you have combined with insecurities as a choke chain strong enough to hold Fenrir.

While a healthy polyamorous relationship is not supposed to be some sort of “get out of jail free” card for the commitment-averse, I’d be a diamond-studded liar if I said that the label was never used that way.

I know there’s a lot of pressure to be the Cool Chick—the tolerant one who’s just so damn easy to be with.  I’ve given in to that nonsense myself.  While I think kindness, forbearance, and being forgiving are all excellent traits, and even necessary in a relationship, being the Cool Chick means giving up your own needs and identity to keep a relationship.

I don’t think that’s really a great way to live.

[jodilin65]

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 2010 Woke up to find myself up a pound despite all the running and hunger I went through yesterday, so fuck it. Why kill my knees for nothing? Besides, I’m piling on water like crazy, I’m bloated to hell and back, and my titties feel like they’re about to explode, not that I’d personally mind it if they did. Yeah, some days I really hate being a woman. Today’s one of those days that serves as a reminder as far as just which gender God favors.

Anyway, work is still going well for Tom and they seem to have plenty of it to be done. They’ve even hired more people. I’m getting less worried about them letting him go anytime soon, but still not too hopeful of them hiring him on since temps are more common these days than regular workers. Everybody wants temps so they don’t have to pay them for holidays and give them insurance. :( Oh, well. I haven’t been insured in 8 years, so what’s 20 more? One of the best things about being uninsured is that I won’t know it in time to try to save my ass if I got cancer. Therefore I’d get to exit this crazy world a little sooner than most. Sounds funny and crazy, but it’s true, LOL.

I am eating another granola bar even though I shouldn’t, but like I pointed out in the last paragraph, every negative has its positive. The best thing about being fat is that you don’t have to worry about getting fat if you’re already there. With a 29” waist at just under 5’, I’d say I’m there. :)

I still may set up my own site sometime, but I realized that if I do I may not get as much traffic there because most people who are looking to read other people’s journals/blogs go specifically to journal/blog sites, not some privately-owned site that just one person runs. I guess I’ll stick around a little longer now that they’ve got their shit together here at least somewhat until they go and fuck it up again. I’ll set my old journal private again, but keep backing it up. I keep forgetting to do it every day anyway and usually do it every 10 days since that’s about all I can fit into an entry.

Maliheh’s such a disorganized slob with a shitty memory that she’s paying a fortune to have someone come and organize her shit today, LOL. And she hates doing laundry so much she’s been known to buy underwear at Walmart to get out of having to do it, LMAO! I didn’t know an admitted bitch like her could be so funny. She needs a wife! She asked how many loads of laundry it would take to do my clothes (just my clothes). As I told her, before my folks sent all the clothes they sent I could carry them in both arms. I told her I’d shoot pics of my drawers and closet, minus Tom’s shit of course, so she can get a sense of what it’s like to be organized. As I told her, if I haven’t worn it in a while or it’s too big/small, I usually Goodwill it.

She said she’s got a picture of her and Karen Carpenter from the 80s before she died of anorexia. I told her I want to see it and she said that when she finds it, she’ll share it.

OSU finally identified themselves as a woman named Christine. In my last entry I said I would love to “meet” some of my regulars who come around just about every day but who have never left any comments.

Today I got a message from Christine who said she was one of my regular readers who has not previously engaged in commenting and has been following my blog for approximately a year after discovering it on MD. She said she appreciates my humor, honesty, and the opportunity to peek into a life distinct from her own. Additionally, she's of a similar age and finds it intriguing to read about the experiences and perspectives of women in her age group and considers it more captivating than the fixation on teenagers prevalent in culture. She feels a sense of connection and relatability with the content, she told me.

So I guess if she’s my age and usually bookmarking in from OSU she’s some sort of teacher or staffer there as opposed to a student.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 29, 2010 My knees felt like they were on fire after running like the devil was chasing me for 25 minutes. Tomorrow it will be half an hour. The numbers on the scale are making up for the pain, though. :)

Today I will be doing some cleaning and then I’ll try to get over my writer’s block. I should do some language studying, too.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2010 Other than nearly choking to death this morning and taking a nap to screw up my schedule, I’m having an ok day. The melatonin supplements usually only hold my schedule for a week or two at the most, but I think I’ll still probably crash in the early evening as planned. I still feel kind of groggy. I wasn’t even going to do an entry today.

Alison’s comment about the guy living above her vacuuming every day got me thinking about the times either just myself or both Tom and I lived in apartments, duplexes and motels, and I am so, so glad those days are just a nasty memory! We got one extreme after another, mostly college kids and freeloaders. If vacuuming was all we’d gotten, we’d have had it easy, but we heard everything! Our neighbors practically let us know it every time they farted. We met in April of 1993 when Tom bought his house from one of his brothers after he moved into his new wife’s house. I joined Tom in September of that year thinking it might be nice to have a child with him within a year or two. Six years later we moved out of there with me hating kids after what they put us through while we were there! Yeah, first it was Mormons, then it was a black C-8 family and finally a Mexican C-8 family before the welfare bums drove us out of there. Yeah, God picked out the perfect neighbors for us, and it was their behavior I had a problem with. Not their color or anything else, just so I make that clear up front.

Kids will be kids. We were all kids at one point, so I understand. But I also don’t understand. Kids of today – and even a decade ago – aren’t what the kids of 30 years ago were. Most of us were taught manners, respect and discipline 30 years ago, but it seems that’s become a thing of the past. Why is it a fact that when old trends return for a while, they’re either bad ones or ones that are neither good nor bad?

Either way, this is why I remain forever determined to buy a place (if we ever do get that luxury) either out in the country or in a retirement community. People simply cannot control their dogs and they cannot control their kids, and so the only way to escape it is to remove ourselves from the mainstream altogether. We may still get some barking from a distance, but oh how nice it is to escape the car stereos, the 5-hour basketball games within arm’s reach of the wall of our place, the footsteps, the TVs, the doors slamming, and so much more!

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 2010 The dogs went crazy from 4pm onward yesterday when Jesse took off as he usually does on Friday nights. I just didn’t expect him to take off 3 hours earlier than usual.

The only dream I remember having was one where I was marveling at the fact that we were suddenly living in a roomy, modern house. Until I heard all the chaos just outside. I looked out the side window dismayed to see tons of barking dogs just a few feet away and tons of screaming kids just a few feet away on the other side of the house.

Played around with Andy on Formspring and Twitter, spoke to Maliheh last night (she has turned out to be one damn good buddy), and Nane’s on Facebook right now. So I guess I might get some new wall decorations over the weekend. :)

I guess this wraps up this boring entry. Sorry I don’t have anything more and exciting to say. Guess I’ll edit my last book and work on my current one.

Later…

Aw, Nane got offline without contacting me. But the weekend isn’t over yet, so we’ll see.

Maliheh mostly told me about how she’s been cleaning her place, walking every day, hoping it doesn’t snow, and having trouble falling asleep. She was so sweet at one point, telling me she’ll try to be a good friend, she’s there to talk to, and she understands my desire to escape this little trailer and wished that herself for two years. But she certainly doesn’t miss sleeping in her cold, cramped truck and having the cops tell her to move when she had no place to move to.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 2010 Doesn’t look like my “sniffies” have been sent yet. I ordered 100 perfume oil samples from my favorite smelly site, but according to my account, they’re still working on it.

I added my maiden name on Facebook. When I first set up the account they didn’t have a place for maiden names. I wanted it included in my name in case anyone decided to look me up who knew me before I left the East and got married, but these days I don’t give a shit who may be looking for me.

Last night as I was falling asleep I was thinking of all those who have encouraged me to go for my dreams throughout the years. And while I know they meant well, I don’t think some people realize that not all of us have the blessing of simply picking what we’re good at and what we want to do and then simply “going for it.” Some of us are simply trapped by fate in a sense, and can only do so much because of our circumstances. It’s sort of like a paraplegic dreaming of becoming an Olympic runner. The thing that sucks with me is that it seems to be life’s simplest things that are often out of reach for me, and this really bothers me. It bothers me because it makes me feel all the more singled out and picked on. Even though I’m far from the only one who had an abusive mother, for example (though it still has a way of making me feel “punished”), most people don’t have such fucked up melatonin levels that they can’t even keep a damn schedule. I try to tell myself that things could be worse. And they could be. But sometimes they’re bad enough. But yeah, there are worse sleep disorders than mine, some of which can even be deadly. If your melatonin levels are that off you can fall asleep in a second without warning no matter where you are or what you’re doing. Tom worked with a guy in Oregon whose mother had this problem. Her doctor gave her a medication assuring her that it’d keep her from falling asleep while driving, yet she fell asleep behind the wheel anyway and her car went off the road, killing her instantly.

So yeah, some people have it worse than me. But that’s not the point. The point is that I totally believe without a doubt that I was given the type of sleep curse I have and my driving phobia to hold me back in life. Especially the sleep curse. I feel like I was put on earth to be an asset to others. It’s like I do a better job of making others profit than myself. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for those I care about. If it’s within my means, I would do it and I wouldn’t expect anything in return. But I’m as selfish as I am generous and as indifferent as I am compassionate. If I don’t know you, I don’t give a shit if you’re having a rough day, and no, I don’t want to help you or give to you in any way. If that makes me a bitch or a bad person, then so be it.

Back to my point about not being able to simply “go for it.” I would love to be able to find something I enjoy doing online where I don’t have to worry about schedules and transportation that wouldn’t pay slave wages like MT. I’m just as willing and capable as anyone else of working just as hard. But something up there has been sure to place me in a position where opportunity simply can’t knock. Not on my door anyway.

Right or wrong, my old attitude used to be that some money was better than none, and that may be so in desperate cases, but we’re not desperate right now, and so now I want to be paid fairly for my time and work or else I won’t bother at all.

I dreamt I spoke on the phone with Dad and that my rat grew wings and could fly. It’s a good thing that one can’t be a premonition, LOL, cuz I swear I’d cut those wings off so fast! He gets around and into shit just fine without them.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 2010 Jesse came down yesterday at 3:30 to blanket the pipes since it’s been freezing at night. I was surprised when he took off yesterday afternoon for a while and the dogs remained quiet. But not surprisingly, he took off today, probably to his parents’ house, and took the peace with him. I don’t know if the dogs went off for long. I didn’t want to know, so I slammed the sound machines on.

Tom decided to light the pilot on the main heater. Even though the blower’s still not working, the pilot will help give off extra heat and doesn’t take up much propane.

Anyway, I guess Jesse’s trying to retire instead of going on disability. I’m just glad we no longer have to deal with the 5am - 9am barking sprees anymore. Thank God for bad backs!

I swapped messages with Maliheh, who isn’t doing anything today, but a little cleaning and walking. Otherwise, she’s just going to pig out and relax.

She confirmed that she is an only child, saying that this might be the reason she’s selfish.

I had to laugh when she said she went camping twice and both times there was a tornado. So we both hate tornadoes.

I’m feeling the opposite with her as I once felt with Marie. I wish I would hear from her more often, even though I hear from her every day. It also kinda sucks that the feeling’s not mutual. But since I’m still the only one flirting, I’d say she’s still not attracted to me.

Said hello to Nane in a PM, who hasn’t appeared to have been on Facebook all week.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 2010 I’m so pissed at this site and all its damn tech issues! Just when I thought they’d gotten the problem with changing background pictures squared away, it’s back with a vengeance. I had to reset it with one of their boring designs, so if you see some lame shit like this for a background, I didn’t lose my sense of creativity. I just couldn’t change the fucking thing.

All the problems are making me think of leaving, but that’s just the problem right there; all sites have problems, so where could I go? It seems that every single site I’ve ever used has changed things around periodically. Why can’t anything ever stay the same???

Tom said that when he has more time and gets a permanent job (hopefully where he’s working now), he’ll set up a site for us. I’ll miss having such a detailed tracker, but I really look forward to being my own boss and never changing anything unless I want it changed!

I have to laugh at how some people have been better at figuring me out than I myself have been. Maliheh’s pretty sure I’m starting menopause while Cindy’s pretty sure I love Maliheh. Well, I’m not so sure about Cindy’s theory, but love is never a bad thing so why should I worry if there is a touch of love beaming from me across the country and over to someone I envied the hell out of yesterday for having near 80º temps while I froze my ass off in the rain. I guess anybody worthy of a 19-year crush deserves at least a little love for hanging onto my heart for that long. Yeah, she’s one tough lady, LOL.

She said she’s not visiting her relatives in the Midwest this year for the holidays because she doesn’t want to get near snow again if she can help it. She said she told them that if they die in the winter, don’t look for her to attend their funerals. See, I’m a bitch, she added, and I told her she was actually sweet and kind compared to me, who refuses to attend her parents’ funerals for the 3 basic reasons I explained (because I’d only beat the shit out of anyone that started shit with me, my being there couldn’t bring them back, and I can mourn them from here just as easily as I could there).

The weather has been terrible here, but I’m so glad I’m not in K-Falls now. Yeah, the Klammers are at -2º now, LOL. Yesterday there was tons of rain, wind and fog until late morning. Then the sun finally came out and the wind settled down. We were supposed to get down into the 20s last night but only made it to 32º, not that that’s still not bad enough. The mice didn’t like it. Yeah, I think we have a mouse in here, so I set up the traps under the sink. This cold just sucks, though, and I might add Maliheh’s state to the list after all.

Last night I dreamt that I let the rat run around loose in some huge building somewhere. When I didn’t see him for a while I began to panic, even though rats always find their way back to their owners and don’t get “lost” like other rodents would. This is the second dream of this nature I’ve had of him, so like Tom said, it’s just warnings not to let him outside, even though he’s been oddly fascinated by the idea of it. It’s kind of funny, though, how he goes to the door like a dog begging to be let out. I open the door just a crack so he can sniff the outdoors, but not wide enough for him to slip out, even though he wouldn’t go anywhere and would be ok so long as I was with him to keep dogs, cats, raccoons and skunks away. Ever since he waited on the porch for us while we bombed and then in the car with us when we got back, he’s been wanting to go outside.

That damn rat sure raised some hell yesterday! He jumped on the shelf and I told him to get down. He decided to ignore me and so I went to pull him off. While I was pulling him off he pulled one of my Indian dolls off and broke her thumb. So while I was looking for this bitch’s thumb to glue back on, he swipes my cotton candy lip gloss. If I didn’t love him so much he’d have gotten his way with going outside, only I wouldn’t be around to guard him against the enemies!

This is the quietest winter we’ve ever had at this place. I knew the dogs would no longer bark non-stop from 5am - 9am like they used to when Jesse worked, but I expected them to at least bark every time he went out somewhere, yet they don’t other than on Friday nights. It’s a sign of the “end.” Meaning that we’ll be leaving soon. Yeah, I don’t get it, but I’ve lived in enough places to have noticed a strange pattern. Things seem to be at their quietest when we first move somewhere as well as right before we leave. But it makes no sense for us to leave what’s probably the cheapest place in the area if we’re just going to buy a house in less than two years.

Ok, I’m off to work on my story and looking forward to the long weekend with Tom, my ratty, and sugary treats my waistline definitely doesn’t need, as well as lots of thoughts (both explicit and not) of someone very special. :)

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 2010 Ever want to beat the shit out of someone? I mean just totally beat the shit out of someone and rip them apart limb by limb? Yesterday was boring, though I kept busy. At one point, however, I was just doing whatever when all of a sudden this intense anger came over me and I suddenly had the urge to kill. It was the weirdest thing. I wasn’t angry about anything in particular. In fact, I wasn’t even angry at all. I just wanted to kick some ass, but not just anyone’s ass. Not an innocent being who never did anything to me and certainly not someone I care about. No, I wanted it to be some sick asshole that would really deserve a good beating. But my strange desire to attack and torture passed as quickly as it came.

It’s raining like crazy out there and no doubt snowing up in the mountains where Tom works. He said it was weird how it instantly changed on his way to work yesterday. He was driving along wet roads when all of a sudden there was 6” of snow.

They say I either go at something obsessively or I don’t bother at all. For the most part, this is true, and while some may say that’s not exactly a great way to go, it’s that obsessiveness that got me where I am today with the languages. But I still feel like I’ve got a long way to go and I probably always will feel that way no matter how much I learn because I’m just like that at times. I was doing journal entries in Spanish and Italian at Lang-8, but then I’d either forget to do them there or would be too busy so I ended up slacking off for a while. Maybe I should get back into it.

Yesterday was a dead day online. I didn’t hear from anyone. Not Maliheh, Nane, Alison or Kim, though Dieter was a little rude to me. Yeah, that’s another strange thing I don’t get. We were talking about living in Europe vs. the USA, and he was saying how he loved living in the middle of Germany because he was close to so many countries. I was saying that since California’s practically the size of all of Europe, I didn’t have the kind of variety he’s got, but there was certainly a wide range of climates around here. That’s when he went off on me for no apparent reason saying we “Americans” forget that we came from those “little countries in Europe,” and he would not indulge in that any further.

Like I said, kinda rude if you ask me. I almost dropped him, but then I just didn’t bother to do anything. I’m certainly not going to mention it to Nane and risk pitting them against each other should she agree he was rude. Besides, she has nothing to do with it anyway.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2010 We’ve got a couple of wet days in store for us, then it’ll warm up and get sunny, at which time Jesse will no doubt be out making a racket of some kind.

Hopefully, I’ll get some work done today if the rat can leave me alone long enough. The freedom junkie just loves to be out running around and climbing all over me when he’s not off exploring and getting into things by himself. Rats are supposed to be nocturnal, but he copies my schedule and is up when I’m up. Most of the rats I’ve had do this. He’s jugando in the living room now.

I’d decided that even though money doesn’t mean what it once meant to me, I’m going to make $3 a day on MT Monday - Friday. That way if I ever do want something, I’ve got $100 a month to spend and that’s not counting savings. Our savings is going to take forever to build up, though, when things like car insurance creep up on us, but oh well. I’ve pretty much figured for a while now that having a few grand in savings is just a dream, no matter how much we make.

Although they didn’t say they’d hire him on, Tom’s boss said she told the temp agency he works for that they’re really happy with the job he’s doing. This is nice, but it doesn’t mean much without being hired on and given proper benefits. It’s like with me and my writing. All the people in the world can tell me I’m good, but it’s not the same as actually being paid for my time and work. That’s why I gave up on Helium, though I still can’t seem to lose my stars, LOL.

We went to the IHOP yesterday morning. He got bacon, eggs and pancakes and I got steak, eggs and pancakes. The steak was a bit tough and the waitress a bit loud, but otherwise it was very good.

Andy came out and told me he was the one asking the weird questions on Formspring and would keep a good variety coming. I figured it was him, but hopefully I won’t get 30 questions a day. I’m too busy for that! And when the economy picks up a little more I’ll be even busier when I go back to sweeping and psyching out the wins!

I received a surprising amount of attention and wall decorations from Nane yesterday, LOL. Back when she was in Turkey and wrote on her wall, I thought she was saying her flight home was canceled when she was really saying her balloon flight was canceled due to rain. So as a joke, I sent her a balloon heart for her to “fly” back home in next time she’s down there, hahaha.

She gave me her email address to send her a copy of my story when it’s done after I reminded her that I can’t send much at a time on FB. She said she didn’t know what to make of the first part of chapter 1 because it was a conversation and asked what it was about. I explained it to her in a PM while she got herself another glass of wine, but yeah, the first part of the chapter was all dialogue. So I’ll send her the story in its entirety once I’m done proofreading it in about a month.

I laughed at how she said to “kick the rat’s ass” when I mentioned him getting into things. And how she was in the mood to “cancel” some people on FB and said that 6 people had to go. I’m glad I wasn’t one of the ones she axed, LOL. I guess she wasn’t too happy with someone who put a silly love-you-forever video on her page.

I had to laugh at her confusion too, between the time differences and my schedule. She asked, “Girl, don’t you ever sleep?” We chatted twice, once at the start of my day and once at the end. She said she herself was a real night owl, even though she can’t afford it since the boss man was waiting for her in the morning.

I told her that thanks to her I could now recognize Greek and Turkish writing, and she said she read somewhere that she was a Greek God in a previous life which must explain her affinities to the Mediterranean and that someday she’ll be buried there.

She said her first vacation was to Florida when she was 19 and she loved it.

Besides “good looking” and “gorgeous” and “hottie,” I called her a Greek Goddess on my way out for the night. She laughed and smiled at that one.

Today I put a musical heart on her wall and said I enjoyed our chat yesterday, though she hasn’t been on FB yet that I know of today. She spends most of her time there late at night and right now it’s only after 6pm in Germany.

I wondered if she came into my blog at 7am her time this morning, late last night my time. She asked what kinds of contests I used to win and I told her about OLS. I also sent her the blog entry link containing all my wins. Ironically enough, that entry was accessed yesterday, but the hit I got that I suspect accessed it had no city, state or country info. Tom said that if she’s using a unique browser or device, the tracker may not be able to make sense of it. Yet when I traced the IP# it said it was in Texas, so I don’t know what to think.

It looks like Dieter recently viewed my blog based on the fact that I got a Germany hit from FB, he never appears to be online on FB unlike Nane, and the hit was up in northern Germany by Denmark. Nane, I believe, is in southern Germany, just outside of Munich heading towards Austria and Italy.

I’ve also got a regular in Kansas now that’s got me bookmarked. Wonder if they know Maliheh?

My “plea” for my regulars to step forward and say something (like my OSU fan) failed to do me any good. I figured it would, but I thought I’d try anyway.

The dogs just “bumped” into the bedroom, something I hope they don’t make a habit of, thus risking waking me up.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2010 Maliheh went to a bar to attend a gathering for the guitarist friend of hers that recently died, and she said that may’ve accounted for why she was in such a bitchy mood. She was glad she went but didn’t want to at the same time. She said it was hard seeing the guy’s wife, his friends, and hopes there won’t be many more of those things to attend.

I wish I could be around to be of support to those I care about who are far away. I mean in person. Not just online or by phone. I wish I could be there to hold them when they’re down and smile with them when they’re up. I love being a wife to Tom, but I sometimes wish I could be one to someone else as well if that makes any sense. Ah, the impossible dreams and desires we often possess! But some things just weren’t meant to be, like it or not, and so the best I can hope for is for our electronic bond to continue growing and maybe – just maybe – a future visit someday.

I know some people prefer to be left alone when they’re down, but I still wish I could be more available than I can be from a distance if ever I was needed or wanted, if that too, makes any sense. And then there’s the what-might-have-been game I still play at times. Could things have worked out then or now? It’s still hard to imagine they could have, LOL, only because we’re so different and I would think that no matter how hard I tried to keep the peace she’d be bitching at me for just about everything and anything. I can see her maybe putting up with my not driving, but my funky sleep schedule? I doubt there’s more than a handful of people that could deal with that, although I once had a dream where she was telling someone she liked the idea of it because then she got to have more space to get more things done during those times when I wasn’t around to distract her train of thought as much. But that was just a dream and reality is still reality.

I dreamt we moved. We’d been on the road for quite a while, but don’t know where we were heading.

Nane surprised me with a couple of wall decorations on FB the other day. The same dream catcher I once sent her, and a colorful Fantasie Herz (fantasy heart).

Although no one’s abused the shoutbox, I decided to turn it off simply because I don’t need it. If someone wants to leave me a comment, they have enough other places they can leave them.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 2010 Wow, Maliheh’s up late tonight. When I got up at 10pm I saw she hadn’t hit my blog at all or left any messages, but I know she said she was to be busy. But then she came in at 3:30 her time.

I sent a message but didn’t hear back from her, so she probably either just woke up for a while or was just going to bed.

I’m looking forward to a weekend of fun, relaxation, and no housecleaning or cooking. Just a couple of loads of laundry and that’s it. I’ll probably do some writing and language studying, though, cuz that’s what I do. Today I’ll be pigging out, tomorrow it’s IHOP day, then next it’s back to dieting and exercising. I just may have to run indoors because we’re having a wet spell again.

I heard Jesse on that dreaded ATV yesterday morning, but he didn’t get noisy or anything like that. I’m wondering if maybe he’s just bringing outgoing mail or something down to the box by the main road.

Although it’s Friday night, the dogs are quiet. Maybe he didn’t go into Sacramento.

I’ve noticed for a while now that I have some regulars who have followed this blog consistently for a while yet have never left comments. I’d love for some of them to step out of the shadows and speak up for once. I’m just curious as to who they are, how they found my blog, and what it is about it that keeps them coming back.

Yesterday I got a message from a Helium staff member complimenting my articles and saying how good they were for a newer member. Then today my writing score shot up again and I’m back to having two stars, even though I haven’t been writing articles because I’m sick of getting just pennies for them. But I gotta admit it’s funny as hell that I remain starred without even trying while so many complain they can’t get stars, they have their articles deleted, and even their accounts shut down.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 2010 When I updated my status as I usually do when I first get up, I checked my stats and saw that I had just missed Maliheh. Since it was after midnight where she is I figured she’d gone to bed and so I wasn’t going to bother checking for messages. It’s a good thing I did 15 minutes later as there was a message from her she sent after checking again not long after I updated my status. So she was obviously looking to see if I’d get up before she crashed. :)

No fair! The 5-cast says it’s going to be in the 70s where she is, but we’re going to drop to the 50s, then the 40s, and get rained on. Definitely not what would come to mind when I’d think of California.

She said she’s still feeling tired but managed to get out for her daily half-hour walk. She said she hates running and would rather stand at the end of a runway and let a 747 fly up her ass, LOL. Love that one!

She asked what I thought of the X-rays at airports and the pat-downs, saying Al-Qaeda gets a good laugh out of it every time they hear about another unhappy flier. “You probably won’t talk to me after this,” she said, “but I say profile and stereotype away.”

I told her I not only agreed, but they should keep the crazy mother-fucking extremists outa this country who weren’t born here.

“I like the way you think,” she said, LOL, and that the subject would make a great article. She said Germany just told them to learn their language and become a Christian or get the fuck out of their country. They’re also bringing the IQ down over there.

She may’ve lived in more states than I have. In the message I sent for her to have for when she wakes up, I asked what order of states she lived in and at what ages. I know she lived in Hawaii for a while, but it was too costly and they hate whites, so she couldn’t stay there. She doesn’t know if she’ll be in NC all her life but knows she won’t go where there’s cold, snow, earthquakes or tornadoes.

She asked what the desert was like and said she wouldn’t mind finding a state with no state tax.

Where MyOpera was posting to Twitter but not to FB, now it’s posting to FB but not to Twitter. rolls eyes Whatever.

Someone stumbled across this blog by searching for “pet tapeworm,” LOL, from when I said how nice it’d be to get a tapeworm to help eat my weight off.

I’m pissed at Helium because I’m not only getting pennies for thousands of words, but they extended one of the Marketplace articles till the 20th. Now I rank 12 of 21, so I’m really getting my ass beat good. I hope the other one stays closed, though I don’t see how I stand a chance there either. So it’s ok that I’ll eventually lose my star because I don’t want to work for nothing.

I taught the rat how to climb my leg for treats like Tinkerbell and Blondie used to do. He’s so cute!

I’ve had a tough time trying to motivate myself to do any Turk work (at least it pays more than Helium even though it too, is slave wages) and I realize that the reason isn’t just because we’re not desperate now. It’s also because money just doesn’t mean to me what it used to. Don’t get me wrong, I still love money and would be thrilled to have a ton of it. It’s just that after going through what I went through years ago – and getting sick of a bunch of space-hogging dolls I’m sick of dusting – it tends to change one’s outlook on things. It’s just not the huge priority and obsession it used to be for me.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2010 Hello, ladies and germs.

The submission deadline has ended and now I’m keeping my fingers crossed!

Still getting some rather interesting questions on Formspring and still pretty sure most are from Andy.

Didn’t hear from Maliheh yesterday, but she was in my blog once. The day before she said she had an upset stomach and a low-grade fever. Hopefully, she isn’t too sick and will be better soon.

I both do and don’t like some of the new changes on MyOpera. I hate change in general and I just wish they’d leave a good thing alone. If I didn’t like MyOpera the way it was I wouldn’t be there. At least they got the picture-uploading problem taken care of. It was taking forever to load pictures and backgrounds.

The countdown they added is ok too, but even though my account is set to PT, it had already dropped a day when I got up and checked at 7pm.

I don’t like how they grouped things that used to be laid out and within easy access, and I don’t like how you have to hover over the friend and inbox icons with your mouse to see if anything new has come in. Before, a number would appear at the top of the screen.

I sent Nane the first part of chapter 1, but as I told her, it’s not completely edited yet and cannot be sent on Facebook if she decides she wants to read the whole thing. FB just doesn’t allow for long messages. I told her that if she’s uncomfortable sharing her email, fine, I can send it a chapter at a time on LM, but it’ll take 25 messages to do it.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 2010 Swapped messages with Maliheh. :) She’s consistent but not obsessive like Marie was, and I like that. She’s smart and interesting, too.

We only swapped a few messages because she had an upset stomach, but she wanted to say she hoped my day went well and she liked what I wrote. Awww. :)))

I told her I got a direct hit from Greensboro and asked if she knew anyone there. She said no, and that she hated it there. The town sucked and the people sucked, but wouldn’t you know she found the world’s best damn salsa there right before she moved.

Andy said he’s getting a kick out of my Formspring answers, some of which are goofy as hell when I don’t know the answer to something like why the US never took up the metric system.

I asked Nane if she wanted to read my last book once it’s edited, and she replied by saying she likes to read, no, she loves to read. But what exactly am I asking her to do?

sighs Is her English not as good as I thought it was? Or am I just so focused on other languages that I’m lacking in my own?

I’m now in the running with two articles, each paying $56 if either of them is selected for publication, which doesn’t look good. One currently ranks 3/16, the other 8/17. I still have a few articles in the #1 spot. They really love the rats and crushes, LOL.

I gotta laugh when I hear some people complain that they write and write and write, but they still can’t earn a star. And I basically quit writing except for these special assignments that actually pay what they’re worth (if I’m selected), yet I’m still “starred.” LOL

taps head thoughtfully Do I or don’t I put certain southern states on the “list?” Yes, no, I don’t know, maybe so. Hmm… I like the idea of being safe from hurricanes yet closer to the beach. I’ve been two or more hours inland for over 18 years now! I also like the idea of being closer to those I care about, but I do like being where it’s drier. The only time it’s not dry here is when it’s actually raining.

I’ve lived long enough to know that a lot can happen in 588 days, which is how much longer we’ve got to go to cash in on his pension and hopefully get to pick a state and where we’re going to settle down in it, so it’s way too soon to go making any decisions. And like I said before, if he’s making a lot of money we’ll want to stay here which would also be ok since this isn’t MA or OR and we don’t have hard winters here. If we’re back to being broke, then we couldn’t go anywhere anyway, so heading east or even down to the CA or NV desert would be out of the question. I don’t know yet what state it will be, but it will definitely be either a rural or a senior community that we end up in. I can’t stand the chaos of the mainstream – barking galore, loud stereos, rowdy kids…

Why am I gaining weight again, and why is it so damn hard to keep it off? Am I not running enough? Eating too much? But I swear I’ve been eating a reasonable amount! I guess “reasonable” just doesn’t matter when you, like most Americans, are naturally fat. And a natural fatty I am. The only time I could stay thin without trying was on and off as a kid and throughout my 20s. I do, however, get carried away on some days. I’m only human. But why is it that not dieting for most people simply means that they don’t lose weight while not dieting for me means I gain weight? I’d be 500 pounds by the time I hit 50 if I had 1500-2000 calories every single day, even if I kept running.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 2010 Opposites attract. Or do they? Most people don’t seem to think so, but I think they do, even if that “opposite” I may be attracted to isn’t attracted to me in return. I personally find it boring if someone is too similar to me. It’s like buying two collectible dolls that are exactly the same. They can be nice, but isn’t one enough? Being opposites keeps things interesting and allows us to learn about new ways of thinking and doing things. We can learn about places we’ve never been to and activities we’ve never done. Sure you want to have some things in common, and that’s ok. Believe me when I say I’m glad Tom doesn’t smoke either!

But most people want duplicates because they are often uncomfortable with the unknown and so they prefer to have what’s familiar to them and that’s ok, too. Me, I just like the fascination of learning new things from those who are different than me and have had different experiences.

I didn’t realize this till now, but it turns out that even though no one can read anyone else’s article, they’re still ranking the ones up for publication. When I saw I was #5 out of 14 I sighed and said to myself, “Is #5 really the best you can do?” With 4 of them ahead of me, it’s not likely mine will be chosen.

Made some smashed potatoes as I sometimes call mashed potatoes. They were great once I got the amount of garlic salt just right.

The rat was so funny when I was preparing dinner the other day. He tends to hang out in whatever room I’m in, and so he did a fine job of keeping underfoot when I was in the kitchen, eagerly catching any crumbs I may’ve dropped. He’d stand on the top of my foot and hug my leg as if that’d get him any treats any faster, LOL.

My hair seems to have shot out of my head another inch practically overnight. When it starts getting below the waist is when I really start feeling the weight of it and it becomes a real pain in the ass. Who knows, maybe I’ll hack it to my shoulders before I can sit on it yet again.

Molly’s finally getting sick of me. She used to come to my blog an average of 15-30 times a day, but today it was twice, yesterday none.

Got a new fan that’s got me bookmarked in Dublin, OH. I checked and it’s just 11 miles away from Columbus where my OSU fan is. Wonder if it’s the same person.

Maliheh and I swapped messages. It’s kind of going to suck when I start sleeping later, but oh well. We’ll catch each other when we catch each other. I’m just amazed at how accepting she is for what once seemed like such a cold, insensitive bitch. She hasn’t even questioned my screwy schedule.

She’s really into TV, unlike me, but it’s nice that she has something she enjoys. Especially since it doesn’t seem like she has much else going for her at the moment other than her teaching job.

I had a really funny thought. I know it’s a crazy, crazy thought to think, but I can’t help it. back when things were heated up with Marie and I and I began to think there was a real possibility of us eventually meeting and getting it on, I remember thinking to myself how hard I’d have laughed had someone told me that the next person I’d have sex with might be her. But imagine how much harder I’d have laughed if someone else had stepped in and said, “No, it won’t. It won’t be Marie D. It will be Maliheh B.” Not saying it ever will be for real. Just something funny to think about.

I still flirt with her even though she doesn’t flirt back. She must not mind, though. :) She did answer when I asked her if she had a certain type of appearance she preferred in a woman and she said no.

Now she says it’s Barnes & Noble that publishes unpublished authors, and that I might not make much at first, but that in time I will.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 2010 I let everyone know that I will no longer be discussing Maliheh in my blog. Not what we talk about, not my dreams, not my thoughts, nothing. Just that we talked or something vague like that. There will no longer be any details. After all, a journal is supposed to be about my life, and even if you may be part of my life, your life should still be up to you to decide whether or not you want to share it.

I’m actually thinking of stopping public journaling. It was fun for a while, but now I’m not so sure. Whenever I think I’ve got it clear as far as what’s ok and what’s not, I find out I was wrong and someone gets mad or disappointed. Well, the last thing I want to do is upset anyone! I really have to wonder what’s wrong with me at times. I used to live for getting on people’s nerves, yet now it seems I upset them without even trying, that’s how good I apparently got at it. I will think about it for a day or two and then make my decision.

Maliheh said she’s not mad at me and she knows I wasn’t deliberately trying to upset her, but she’s disappointed with my talking about her so much. Even if it’s nothing personal and is something as trivial as how she’s got to rake her yard, whose business is it? She commented on how I said I found out what she did for work, but couldn’t say. Why say I found out in the first place?

I’m sorry I disappointed her, but there is some good in this as well and that’s that now I no longer have to worry about upsetting her and wondering if I edited enough of what I wrote about her before posting it online since I will no longer be posting anything.

I woke up hot at 2pm because we’re having a warm spell. That would’ve been fine if I’d been smart enough to remember to leave my window cracked and the fucking fan on. I just have to be on nights now. :( I’ll have to remember to pop the lower rod out and lift the light blocker so I can open the back window before bed as we’ll be around 70º all week. I forgot to write about that, but yesterday we got the light-blocking kit for the back window. It does a great job and it’s so easy to take in and out, too. Wish I’d had it years ago. I just hope that with weather like this, whatever racket Jesse makes won’t wake me up!

I also had a dream my purse and rat were missing.

Speaking of rats, Nane posts a lot of music videos on her wall and she left a message attached to one of them saying my rat would love this one which I almost missed because I’m hardly on FB anymore. The only reason I went in was that I got an alert that Mitch posted to my wall. The video was shot in an old, rundown and abandoned building, though this rat would love to explore anywhere and everywhere.

Shortly after I got up we did the 3 scratch tickets we got and ALL of them lost. :(

At least I had a good run.

I answered the 60 Formspring questions I still think are from Andy, and soon Maliheh and I will have our nightly chat which can only be discussed in my offline journal.

Later…

Chatted with Maliheh. She was telling me she heard that Kendall, who makes an electronic reader that you can read books on, also publishes stories and they pay the authors, too. But according to my research, they only publish educational stuff. I doubt they’d find “Nadirah” tossing “Joni” on the bed and giving her a night to remember very educational. I’ll keep looking, though.

I was even brave enough to tell her Tom and I don’t sleep together. Yeah, that’s something that’s not in my blog and very few people know. I guess I don’t bare my soul as much as some people might think I do.

She helped with a couple of the Formspring questions, too.

She said she’s going to sleep in, even though she can’t sleep in till 2pm like she used to.

I “liked” the video Nane posted, left a comment, then sent a message asking if she’d like to read my book when it’s done. I told her not to hesitate to say no if she’s not interested or too busy, and that I won’t think she’s mad at me, LOL.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2010 Ah, I really have the best of both worlds – a great hubby and a great cyber girl. I sometimes wish she was more tangible and less cyber, but cyber’s better than wondering about her as I did for 19 years.

We swapped a few messages which was so nice, and the more I get to know her, the more I admire her. We talked about our likes and dislikes and things like that. When I mentioned her being the star of my blog she said something about her 15 minutes of fame coming to an end. I read this part of her message a few times and tried to read between the lines. Is she really saying she thinks her fame will come to an end, or that she’d like it to? But then I remembered just how outspoken she is and how she doesn’t hold back. Really, she’s not afraid to tell it like it is, LOL. And she didn’t tell me to put a lid on it or anything like that. Even so, I will still be careful what I say and start keeping most of the dreams to myself. I have so damn many anyway, not that I’m complaining, LOL. I love every dirty little minute of them.

I know some people think she likes me too, but if she does, she hasn’t said anything and so I have to automatically assume she just likes me as a friend. Hey, I guess I’m just interesting at times, LOL, with my not knowing that Wally World was Walmart. Yeah, she and Tom got to laugh at that one, but that’s ok. I kinda got to laugh at her when she didn’t know what LMAO meant. :)

She cracked me up by saying she ran out of ass wipe, and hey, what’s a girl to do? Drip dry? She didn’t think so! And so she went to Wally World and said the whole town must’ve been there, LOL. Poor girl. She swears as much as I do, too.

We talked about the weather here and where she is, and it got me thinking. Not only does it suck that we probably won’t ever see each other again, but sometimes I wish some of my friends (or someone that was a little more of a friend at times) lived close by. Not just for obvious reasons like hanging out together every now and then, but so that one could be there for the other when times got rough. Had Andy, Paula, Jessie or some of my cyber friends been in Sacramento those hours we were homeless, I’m sure they’d have let us borrow a corner of their living room floor and given us something to eat. Then again, I didn’t have any cyber friends back then. This was in the fall of 2007 and I didn’t start “meeting” people online till the summer of 2008.

I teased Maliheh about being stuck with me because it would’ve been all over for us by now. Yeah, Tom went and looked and we would’ve just received our last check next week had he still not been able to get a job. Yeah, we were coming down off of tier 4. That damn number I hate so much. Then I’d have gotten a lobster and we’d have gone to a casino, gambled it off, and left it to fate. If we walked out penniless, we’d have come back and ended it since I never could make it on the streets, and he would never leave me alone to die on my own in that particular case. If I became terminally ill, that’d be different. So I wouldn’t be editing my story, my rat would have to go live with someone who may not love him enough, and once again Maliheh and I would be history had things not worked out. It’s almost scary to think about how many things could’ve gone wrong along the way that could’ve prevented us from making it. Funny, as they say, there’s a reason for everything.

And so the would-be dead woman lives on to say she really wishes at times that she didn’t have ADHD. Things are taking me so much longer than they should because I can’t stay focused and so I end up wasting time because I jump from task to task. Yeah, I live a challenging life at times. But medication is a definite no-no even if I were insured. Not with all the side effects they bring, some permanent like the tardive dyskinesia I’ve got to live with for the rest of my life that the quack shrinks didn’t tell me about until it was too late.

Maliheh’s got what I thought she said was 11 magnolias in her yard, but what are actually 11 trees with 3 being magnolias in it when I went and re-read the message, and so she has to go out raking leaves tomorrow and do some housecleaning, too. I said I was sorry I couldn’t help and that I would engage in a leaf fight with her if I could, LOL. Yeah, I’d be naughty and really get my boss going! She must have a good-sized yard for all those trees. I hope she’s in a house and not a duplex, for her sake. I told her about the nightmare we went through in the Oregon duplex. When you can’t even get any peace living next to one single old lady, where can you get it from?

Let’s see… what else? She too, hates religion and the people in the Middle East cuz of the way they treat their women. She hates how the humidity there makes her hair so curly, so out comes the straightening iron when it does. I thought she had naturally straight hair.

She usually walks briskly for 35 minutes a day except for when it’s really hot and humid, and she once worked the cornfields in the Midwest to get money for clothes for the new school year. Did she come from a poor family or something? The pictures I once saw of where she lives suggests she doesn’t have much money.

She used to love to tan by the lake but didn’t swim because she doesn’t really like the water.

I wonder if she even lived in Hawaii because she mentioned the natives hating outsiders which made it rough, whatever that meant.

Once again I can’t help but wonder about the jinx-writing thing. I’ve deliberately tried to jinx-write things into happening, like how I once had a character get rich. But it seems I can’t make life imitate art. It just happens by accident, even if “Nadirah” doesn’t quite see “Joni” the way she sees her. It’s weird, though. Just weird.

I’m so glad the boss said I could keep the prank in the story now that I’ve changed the name, year and location. Yeah, with one click I changed her name 1066 times. Changing the prank would’ve been a HUGE job since it’s so much a part of the story. As I told her, it’s reality turned bullshit.

Because she hates the cold and snow, she doesn’t miss Sunderland and Amherst, but she misses the clubs and dancing, saying the 90s had great dance music. But one thing we do agree on is that the 70s had the best music!

She mentioned chatting (I assume she means with our webcams) and this idea both excites and embarrasses me. Of course I’d love to see her and hear her voice. But then she gets to see how fat, old and ugly I look these days with my dorky little pink glasses. Can’t see shit without them, though. I’m two-toned too, LOL, since my hair is dark blond on top and light brown on the bottom. But I’m never going to be young and skinny again or have good vision, so what the hell.

Tom will have to help me set things up for chatting. Other than chatroulette.com, I’ve never done this before, and that site only allowed people to see each other, not talk to each other. You still had to type to each other. But I’m not sure exactly what it is she’s talking about, so I’ll wait till I hear back from her.

I really do love our chats, though my schedule will eventually roll forward and I’ll be asleep at the times we’ve chatted so far. Guess we’ll just have to chat at other times or wait till I’m awake at those hours again. At least our schedules won’t always clash.

Got over 30 questions on Formspring today and I still think they’re from Andy. They’re written like he would write them, though saner than usual. They were interesting, but I didn’t know how to answer some of them like what requirements does it take to be a mortician? So I just made up goofy answers.

Tom and I had loads of fun playing with the rat, who seems to love to try to lick the lotion off my legs after I apply it. He’s been biting more when he gets playful, but it’s ok because he doesn’t hurt us. If he does start getting rough we tell him to ease up and he does. He’s such a sweetie. A troublemaker, but a sweetie. He was out for hours exploring and climbing all over us.

Fortunately, there have been no more bees in here since we bombed. The rat was out at the time, and so I’m sure I had to be the only one in the world to mace a bee while trying not to step on a rat, LOL.

I’ve thought about it and decided what to do as far as Helium goes. Spending hours of work for pennies isn’t my thing. So instead of doing articles, I may do the ones Marketplace Approved Writers are eligible to do whenever they happen to have any available I can do. And that’s only if I get selected for publication with my first one. Remember, I’m up against the best of the best. If they all come and kick my ass, I’m not exactly going to feel like getting up and trying to kick theirs back.

I’m just one of those who isn’t meant to make much money. The sleep curse alone tells me that. I totally believe without a doubt that it was put on me, along with the driving phobia, to help hold me back in life. It was just a miracle that I got someone like Tom who accepts me as I am. Most relationships are so much about what you can contribute to them financially and materially. So what if you might love them as they are, be a good listener, and make the person laugh when they’re down? And so what if you might be a good housekeeper and good at supporting them emotionally? It’s all about making money these days, and hey, I love money, too. I just don’t put it above and beyond love, good health and happiness.

Well, I may not make the amount of money the average person makes, but if only I could get insured, get to a sleep clinic, have them diagnose it (wacky melatonin levels are supposed to be easy to diagnose), then get my disability benefits reinstated! It may only be a few hundred a month, but I feel I am rightfully entitled to those benefits. I know I am.

In another week or so I’ll start trying to aim my schedule for that evil 4th in case Tom and I want to go anywhere that day. Even if we don’t, I know my folks will call that day and if no one answers all day, they’ll worry. They’ll constantly be checking the news for anything about NorCal being rocked with a giant earthquake, even though we’re not on any faults.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 12, 2010 Let’s see… in Realityland, my parents sent a $25 IHOP GF, Tom’s fine, the rat had fun clothes hamper diving, I talked with Maliheh, I might have “influenced” Alison to feel and sleep better, and then I ate too much. Not at the IHOP as we have yet to go. Just wish I could make my southern hottie feel better too, but she’s further away, and I’m new at this long-distance influencing thing if Aly wasn’t just a coincidence. Time will tell.

In Storyland, Alison was kind enough to suggest some really good Arabian names, both of which Maliheh likes, and we’ve decided to go with Nadirah. She’s not Arabian, BTW, just her name is. Aly and I both love unique names. No Marys, Kathys, Sarahs or Karens allowed in my books! Anyway, I will slowly comb through the manuscript, not just for errors, but to make the changes my boss wants made. Then someday when Tom and I have our own website, I just might put some of my stories up for sale there.

Tom had his jeans lying on the futon and the rat tried to pick his pocket. Tinkerbell managed to get his wallet out, but not Tinkerboy. Not yet anyway. I was drawing Figure 8’s on the floor and he was chasing my hand, as usual, and climbing all over me. Made a real rats’ nest of my hair too, LOL. He’s a klepto, so I’m careful where I leave things. When we lived in Oregon we were going to walk to the store. Tinkerbell was asleep in the closet and we agreed she’d be ok there since the store was close and we’d be back in a few minutes. But then when I went to get the list which I had thrown on top of my shoes by the door so I wouldn’t forget it, it was gone. The little devil had dragged it into her cage before heading off for her closet nap.

Haven’t heard from Mitch or Dorian in ages. Wonder what’s up with them?

Maliheh and I talked about music. Tom was a trombonist in the Air Force, so they’re more the musician type than I ever was. Words, foreign and not, are more my thing. And when I am involved in music it’s either to sing or just listen to it. I told her I could picture us laughing and teasing each other, me with her spelling and grammar and her with my lousy guitar timing and math abilities. She said she’d never laugh at the timing thing but has to try not to laugh when some of her guitar students sing off-key, as mean as she knows it is. That’s when I told her I could never be a language teacher in person. I’d never be able to keep a straight face listening to some of these people learning English. But by just listening to sound files on a computer, I can laugh all I want. And I do. :)

She had to pay $130 for a new car battery and doesn’t even want to get in her car and go anywhere tomorrow for fear of something not being right.

You can say anything you want to the people there so long as you say “bless their hearts” afterward, so she learned.

She also would never want to own a place again after owning two trailers because then she has to pay for anything that breaks. That’s definitely the worst thing about owning, but at least you can do what you want when you want to do it and not have to worry about pesky landlords that may want to do shit when you’re sleeping.

She also told me what she has for breakfast which was kinda funny, after saying we have a bit in common after I said I can’t eat much after I first get up. She mixes OJ, a banana and a raw egg in her Magic Bullet. A raw egg, LOL? That can’t be good for her cholesterol levels. I just may try it someday, though, even if that’s got to be something like a 300-calorie breakfast, and even that would be too much too close to whenever I got up. My coffee’s just 35.

In What-if-land, it’s like I said before where I have mixed emotions about things. I have no regrets about leaving the East and meeting Tom. I like my life overall, though it isn’t perfect any more than anyone else’s.

But what if? What if things had been different when I first met Maliheh? What if I hadn’t been such an ass? What if I’d been a little better looking? What if we made it big together singing in a band? LOL, I’d have loved the money, but I’d have hated the traveling, all the people I’d have to deal with, and the fame. I live like a hermit for a reason and it’s not because I don’t drive and can be a strange, eccentric and unique little bitch.

She really is one tough and talented lady, and the more I get to know her the more I’m surprised by having more in common with her than I’d have guessed. Sure, we’re different in some ways. She can at least keep a damn schedule, she can drive, and I doubt she’s crazy enough to have a mannequin standing in the corner of the room, LOL. I meant it when I told her I was a one-of-a-kind! But unlike Marie, she herself is anything but crazy. No wonder she probably doesn’t like me in that way. You know the rules – if it’s crazy, it likes me. If it’s sane, it doesn’t.

I’m also surprised by how many things I guess wrong about her. I’m usually pretty good with people, but I’m getting more wrong with her than I am right, LOL.

It’s strange thinking that when she was last in L.A. (if I’ve got my times straight), I was right under her nose in Arizona, though it was about to become more like under her chin when we dropped down from Phoenix to Maricopa, not far above the Mexican border.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 2010 They’ve been Formspringing me to death again, LOL, with nearly 50 questions. I’m still trying to guess who it could be, though most do seem like questions Andy would ask and more his thing than anyone else I know. It’s fun trying to guess who it is, but not frustrating. So whoever you are, if you’re reading this journal (and I think you are) you need not step forward and identify yourself unless you want to. Most of them came in at what would have been around 9pm in Germany, but they just don’t seem like they’d come from Nane. Andy would ask something like, “Do you think cow farts are bad for the environment?” along with most of the questions, but who in the world would ask me how I got so damn good-looking, LOL? I studied the questions, the spelling, the grammar and the overall writing style and I’m still leaning toward Andy. What’s weird, though, is that he’s never hit me with so many questions at once. I first got 29 questions. Then while I was answering them, I got hit with 13 more. That’s the second time a batch came in while I was answering questions. I just don’t get how they all came in at once. They can only submit one question at a time.

I’m listening to KD Lang right now. I like some of her songs and she has a beautiful voice. How can a woman who looks so manly sound so womanly, LOL?

I was surprised (yeah, that woman is full of them) with a message from my favorite lady. Didn’t expect it cuz I thought she was busy today. She told me what she does for work. Yup, she’s a music teacher.

She also told me the other reason she was worried about my story being posted as it was. Duh! I really am stupid at times! Why didn’t I think of that one myself? Yeah, it’s about the world’s close-minded bigots. Even without her last name, her first name is unique. It’s kind of sad. Not just for obvious reasons, but if she ever met Miss Right (if she hasn’t already), she would probably be afraid to marry her no matter how much she may want to just so she wouldn’t have to worry about the shit that went with it.

I’m sure that had I been totally straight I’d still be ok with gays. What the hell would I care about who others slept with? Sometimes I just wish I didn’t have this nearly 20-year-old crush because it’s pointless, but it’s also loads of fun at the same time. :)

Some of you know that I had a thing for one of the guards in the jail I was in a decade ago and that they had a thing for me, too. She practically had to spell it out for me that she liked me, though, because I’m always afraid to assume things that may not be true. As you also know, I’ve done that before, and so I try not to make the same mistake and let my wishful thinking get me carried away into thinking or believing what isn’t true. My point? Well, I know this isn’t the case, but at first I was worried that the only reason Maliheh was being nice to me was that she felt it was the only way to ensure that I kept on respecting her request not to publish the book with her name in it. But now I know better, and just for the record, I prefer to run and hide from those I may not get along with unlike 20 years ago when I preferred to get even. The shit for neighbors we had in Phoenix was a different story. I wanted to ignore them, but at just a few feet away, they wouldn’t let me.

It seems I misunderstood her, though. I thought she only wanted the name, year and state changed only if I were to post it online or try to sell it, but that if it just sat there in Word doing nothing, it didn’t matter. But she expressed a desire for it to be changed either way and said she’d hate to see me “waste my talent,” blushes with flattery and that I should try to sell it when it’s done. That goes to prove that no, the idea of me profiting from it was not a concern like some had thought it might be. She wants me to make money doing what I love. The problem is it just isn’t that easy no matter how good you may be because there’s just so much competition out there. Why, I’m not sure, for as I told her, most people hate to write and aren’t very good at it. But I do enjoy it, it’s in my blood, it’s who I am, and so I can’t stop whether or not I get paid. All I can do is keep improving any way I can and make sure my spelling and grammar are right on and that it flows well. If it doesn’t read smoothly and you gotta re-read a sentence of mine more than once just to get it (assuming you aren’t incredibly stupid), then I didn’t do a good job as a writer.

She read my running article, too. :) And again I am both surprised and flattered. :) I just didn’t think she’d be interested. I hope these entries aren’t too long or too boring for her.

Going back to her unique name, I wonder if I should start omitting my dreams of her. She hasn’t asked me to, but it’s something to think about.

I’m gonna let her pick out her new name for the story when she gets a chance. She said Malika (I’m still trying to keep her Arabian as we not only need more books with lezzy leads but also with more Arab/Jew couples to help promote tolerance there, too) is not exotic enough. I don’t like Nada which is also a Spanish word for the word nothing. I really don’t think she’d like to be called nothing any more than her real name. Nashita is a definite no-no. I doubt she’d want any “shit” in her name either.

She’s almost an inch taller than me – woot! She’s 4’ 11½”. I usually like ladies to have dark hair, dark eyes, and be taller and heavier. Hey, three outa four ain’t bad! The number on the scale could be changed, but with Twix candy bars and fried chicken running around out there in this world, it ain’t gonna change much. I must seem like a real blimp in comparison, muscular or not. :(

She’s just amazing appearance-wise. It all goes to hell for most of us when we hit 30 (for me it was 32). What made her such a fluke of nature and so damn privileged? I wonder.

Today I had the runs twice and more palpitations. Strangely enough, though, my heart settled down after I talked with Tom and had some decaf coffee. Oh, can’t forget the bad news she had for me and that’s that I may have perimenopause based on my heart palpitations. She said it takes years to go through and so do the hot flashes, vertigo and shit like that. She could have a point, though I haven’t had any hot flashes or vertigo. She said vertigo got really scary for her when she was driving.

Why can’t I just turn 65 instead of 45? Then I could be past menopause, older than Tom (since women live longer and he’s 8 years older) and eligible for Medicare. And hey, if I’m not all that great-looking now, why not get even uglier, LOL?

If she’s right, though, and someone had told me a year or so ago when this first started that she of all people would be the one to diagnose me, so to speak, I’d have laughed my ass off so hard, LMAO! I told Tom what she said and asked if he thought she was right and he said she very well could be from what he read about it. I’m the right age. I also asked if he thought God hated women. He said he didn’t know about that. I sure feel like something sure seems to hate us!

Ok, that’s it for now. Now I’m off and editing, wishing my arms were long enough to reach out and hug my GF.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 2010 Someone in Italy found this blog by doing a search for “Italian foster parents,” LOL. I still miss mine, but I can’t find them. There are no obits on them in MA, but they are old and the halfway houses they owned are gone now, so I doubt they’re still alive. :( I was the only minor there back in 1982 and the only foster kid they ever had. If they are still alive then they’re not in MA. They would be in their early to mid-80s today.

Anyway, I got a little down last night. I do that at times, but fortunately it isn’t too often lately. Sometimes I just feel stuck in a rut and like life is one big waiting game where I’m waiting for things that never happen or take forever to happen. Or wishing for the impossible.

Maliheh surprised me again with an email message. It seems she was waiting till I got up. She knows that when I first get up I usually reply to comments. She said she was having a hell of a day with car trouble, and what’s wrong with trailers? She’s lived in them before. And I’m only trash if I tell myself that and she doubts anyone else thinks so, but if they do I don’t need them in my life. This was in reference to my last entry saying I sometimes feel like trailer trash going nowhere in life.

Later…

A 6-year-old girl sent out into the hallway of her school gazes through the window in the door to her classroom. Long braids trailing to her tush, she watches with a big grin on her face as the teacher and students tear up the room in search of the glasses she hid on her not-so-lucky fellow classmate. She knows where they are, but she’ll never tell.

They eventually find them hiding behind some books on a shelf, but she is still laughing, even though she knows she’s going to have a seriously sore ass come later on that afternoon.

Yeah, that 6-year-old was me. And yeah, I was a real little shit at times, LOL.

I forgot to say this in my last post, but at the end of my day yesterday I got hit with lots of palpitations. They’re annoying, so I hope that doesn’t happen again or at least not too often. I mean, I’m sure it’s gonna happen again as the damn things seem to have become a regular part of my life. I just wish they wouldn’t come so often at times.

Swapped messages with Maliheh. I cannot believe how often we’ve swapped messages! And how much she’s shared with me. It’s still not much, but it’s more than I expected to ever learn. I still can’t believe I’m talking to Maliheh B of all people! I just can’t believe it, like wow! grins with delight

It’s amazing just how far we’ve come in such a short time. Life is strange at times. We couldn’t get it right when we were practically neighbors, but here we are, so far away, yet closer than I ever would have thought we’d become even though she doesn’t like me in the way I like her. And yeah, that kinda sucks, but it’s also ok at the same time. Her liking me as a friend is better than nothing. Talk about having mixed emotions, though! I’m glad I got the hell out of New England and glad I met Tom, but sorry she and I didn’t work out.

It’s amazing and even funny in a way to learn that the so-called mean bitch really is human after all. And as she herself is no doubt learning, so is her troublemaker. Yeah, maybe we’re not so “opposite” after all, just like I told her.

Learning about her has been an interesting and fascinating experience. I really thought she’d turn out to be little more than just a mean little asshole all wrapped up in a pretty package.

Although I don’t know when it was, I was surprised she was homeless twice in L.A. She said she met this really nice guy who helped her out by showing her how to get one-day-old bread, where to get the right food from the garbage can, etc. He got up at the ass crack of dawn and collected cans and bottles for 7 hours until he had enough to get dinner with. The man really worked for a living, she said, and to this day she has a lot of respect for him. She took a night job so she could park her car in a park and sleep in back of it. I’m surprised she could do that there without anyone bothering her or the pigs telling her to move.

She said this is why trailers seem like a palace to her. I told her about our miserable 36 hours of homelessness a few years ago (assuming she hasn’t read my bio) and how the motel room seemed HUGE when we could return to it.

She might have a bug from being sneezed on, and so I’m doing spells to help kill it. I asked where she’s been that she’s being sneezed on, and guessed her job to be in law enforcement, though I know that’s not true. I just don’t want her to know that I know she gives guitar lessons. Or at least I think she does.

Before she crashed she said not to let the asstrolls get to me, LOL. I like that one!

Her saying she thinks too many people have been sneezing on her sure got me thinking about a question on Formspring where someone asked: Can you get sick if an old lady sneezes on ya?

Was it her? Hmm…it was well spelled and written for her. She may have potential but is otherwise a lousy writer like Marie was and I often have to re-read things to get what she’s saying.

I think of her a lot. She’s always there in my mind. When I write, she’s there. When I’m out running, she’s there. When I’m doing the dishes, she’s there. When I’m in the shower, she’s there. When I’m out running errands, she’s there. When I’m in bed, she’s there. blushes Well, not literally, but I can dream, can’t I?

I wonder about her life, past and present, and I picture us in all kinds of scenarios. I’ve never been the “man” in any of my relationships with women, so even though I think I might be bigger I let her take care of me, so to speak. I’m sure she’d at least like bossing me around, LOL. I imagine us hanging out together talking, laughing, joking, maybe working out together, singing, listening to music, doing things on the computer, and yes, that too. Even I know that Fantasyland just wouldn’t be complete without that. And so that happens on the moonlit path of my imagination quite frequently.

Once again I can’t help but think about how life can sometimes imitate art. I write this book about us reuniting, falling for each other, etc. Then we reunite for real. I don’t think she’ll ever fall for me, but still. We’ve become friends and it’s just really weird that the same kinds of things aren’t happening but they are.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 9, 2010 I got up at noon and was kind of bummed, though not surprised, not to find a reply from Maliheh to the message I sent her telling her I was thinking of her and to have a good day.

“What did you expect?” I asked myself. “You know the feeling’s not mutual. You may never hear from her again. Get over it and move on.”

Well, the feeling may still not be mutual, LOL, but I did hear from her later. Not saying what she said, though. :)

I slept solidly for the first 6 hours, but in the last couple of hours, I woke up often. At least it’s been quiet around here. Too cold but quiet.

Still not sure what to make of all the Formspring questions I got yesterday. Not much has come in today so far, but I don’t think they’re all from Andy. Some of them seem like questions he’d ask. He and I both have that sick, crazy sense of humor, but some of them seem like they could be from a teenage girl. If that’s him, though, trying to throw me off, he’s done a great job, LOL.

I’ve wondered about Nane, Maliheh and Marie, but this doesn’t seem like Nane or Maliheh’s thing. They’ve been weird, interesting and fun. I hope they come back, though receiving 30 questions a day 3 times a day is a bit much.

Later…

So, it’s true. Maliheh not only played the guitar and was a roadie manager in a band for a while, but a singer, too! So she lived out one of my old dreams for a while. Why does this make me sad? Huh? Why am I still saddened by people getting things I haven’t even wanted in like forever now???

She said she was glad she did it but it was time to move on. The lead guitarist died of a heart attack a couple of weeks ago and was a good friend, and she said it’s been hard on her. She said she had mixed emotions about watching a DVD of one of their gigs. She also has permanent shoulder damage from toting the PA systems all those years. Now she only performs for benefits.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2010 Thank God rats come with collapsible rib cages. I accidentally started to sit on the poor guy!

When I awoke to 22 questions on Formspring my first thought was that the troll was on a roll over there now too, but these questions, as incredibly weird as some of them may be, don’t seem like the troll’s style. But clearly, it’s someone who knows me. They know I’m Jewish, they know what town I live in, and they know I have a sister. I’m surprised there were no questions about my GF. And I hope she doesn’t mind my calling her that, though my very outspoken boss will surely let me know it if she does, LOL. Thanks to whoever left me the nice comment here saying she probably wishes I’d succeeded in killing myself. I deleted it, and any more shit like it will be deleted as well.

Despite having the period from hell and the cold 50-something-degree weather, I made myself get out and run.

My competition for getting my article chosen and published for $56 is climbing. I can’t see what the others have written, though.

Tom just had me cracking up after I said I missed having incense around. “So get some of that instead of sniffles or whatever it is you said you wanted to get,” he says. Well, those “sniffles” are really “sniffies.” They’re perfume samples.

Later…

Geez, they hit me with 20 additional questions on Formspring! Is it Andy? Yeah, it probably is. When I tried to ask if it was him a few days ago, he simply replied with, “Isn’t Formspring supposed to be anonymous?” And he insisted I was just trying to get “info” out of him, whatever that meant.

But some of the questions don’t seem that Andyish. It could be that he’s just trying to throw me off, but while asking if Cheryl Ladd’s vagina speaks to me at night and what gay men eat for breakfast may be more his style, the person asked what I meant by saying “just two words lying under carpet” when I left a strange answer to one of the strange questions. But he should know and remember this joke clearly. It’s from an old Stevie Nicks song where it sounds like she’s saying “just two words lying under carpet,” when it’s really “dusty words lying under carpet.”

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 2010 I’m signing in a little blonder than I intended to be and wondering just what kind of temporary insanity I may’ve suffered in my sleep last night.

To both my surprise and Tom’s, I actually look good as a blond. With my fair skin and green eyes, it’s ok so long as it’s not super blond. I just wish it covered evenly, but while it’s dark blond on top, it’s light brown on the bottom.

As for the loss of sanity; I don’t know what happened. As tired as I was I couldn’t fall asleep till 3am, but that’s part of what this kind of sleep disorder entails. I hadn’t slept much for the last few days so I knew I would sleep forever, and I did. I didn’t get up till 12:30. But when I got up the little notepad I keep by my bed in case I remember something to write about or to do after I’ve shut down for the day, was on the other side of the shelf above the bed, and the first few pages had been torn out and thrown on the floor.

WTF?????????? Just WTF was that all about?????????

Tom said I probably had a dream about writing something down or something like that, but all I remember is dreaming about living in a two-story place where it snows, which isn’t going to happen unless Tom was offered a job that paid at least $30 an hour, and twirling around in a long, full-skirted dress, then stopping to wave to someone off in the distance.

The biggest shocker is that Maliheh and I have sort of become friends! Here’s what would get me dumped by her in a heartbeat, though, if she ever found out about it. Yeah, I know it’s rather devious of me, but it seemed to be part of what drew us together and finally got her talking to me. I pretended to have another troll on my case and made them appear to have known her at one point or someone she knew. Again, I know it’s wrong and I intend to be totally honest from here on out.

This was when she told me she had 16 friend requests pending, including mine, but hasn’t felt like adding anyone and is thinking of shutting down on Facebook due to all their problems, and we agreed to keep in touch on Yahoo.

As I said online, I will use my best judgment as to what I say about her in public. I guess she wouldn’t mind trivial things, but if she tells me anything personal like what she does for work and things like that, it won’t be mentioned. I may be Miss I Don’t Give a Shit and she’s Miss Private. We both may be bitches, but she’s definitely not as “talkative.” We’re even different where we’re the same – she’s a mean bitch and I’m a crazy bitch. :) So even in Bitchland we’re as different as night and day. I guess that except for Tom, I don’t attract opposites but they attract me. :)

I asked what she thought of the story and she said she didn’t read it because she hates to read and has eye issues.

The first thing that came to mind was yeah, right! I think she did read it but just doesn’t want to admit it because she doesn’t want to have to critique the story and say what she liked/disliked. I asked Alison and even she doesn’t buy it, though I’m sure she does have an eye problem.

I admire that she had the balls to admit she’s a bitch and would never win Miss Congeniality, and as I told her, I accept her as she is. I always try to accept those as they are. If the person’s abusive, that’s one thing, but if they’re just being who they are, that’s another. Even she said that if her speaking her mind and her not liking child molesters, rapists and murderers makes her a bitch, oh well. As I told her, though, if those things make her a bitch, then she’s an AWESOME bitch!

She likes this reality show called Amazing Race and was pissed that the football game went longer and delayed the show.

I get the impression she’s single, but who knows for sure?

I realize I may’ve guessed some things about her incorrectly. I guess I better not assume too much where she’s concerned, LOL, cuz she sometimes comes out and surprises me. I really didn’t think she’d care one way or the other about my articles, but she not only told me she read them but that she thought they were good. This was quite flattering! I was practically dancing with delight and grinning like a mad idiot for hours, LOL.

In regards to the one I wrote on teen suicide, she said: Nice article on the suicideyou wrote. I v always said an alcoholic is one drink away from being a drunk and a person who has tried suicide is one thought away from being suicidal again. I don’t believe it ever leaves a person..you just keep it under control. Buts that just what I feel.

I told her it’s so true. Every time the shit hits the fan in my life I think of suicide.

She said she has trouble falling asleep but is fine once she’s asleep and I told her to think of me and she’d fall asleep and that I’d will her to sleep and that she better dream wet and wild, LOL. Yeah, I flirt with her at times, and while she tolerates it, she hasn’t flirted back. I agree with Alison when she said she must like me at least a little to communicate with me. I hope so anyway, LOL.

I also realize that she may not be as indifferent as I thought she would be as far as what happens to me. A few days ago I’d have told you she’d probably shrug and say, “I don’t care,” if someone told her I was hit by a car, but now I’m not so sure anymore.

She’s smart, too. Anyone that can put up with that Mac crap she’s into has to be somewhat of a brainiac, LOL. Even those Crapple keyboards suck! Most of my favorite programs simply weren’t Mac compatible, and so I went Mac and was quick to go back. :)

Yesterday she said, “It’s Saturday and that means I have to go to work. Do you know what I do for work?”

I said my only guess was that it was music-related cuz of how her friend said he used to play drums for her and knew her from the music scene, but other than that I didn’t know where to begin as far as guessing what she does.

Sure enough, she didn’t tell me. But she did answer one of my questions, believe it or not. I asked what her favorite color was. She said someone got frustrated with her last week that asked that because she doesn’t have a favorite color.

I exchanged emails with Alison and a few messages with Nane on Facebook. I don’t feel the excitement I used to feel when something would come in from Nane, which suddenly seems to be more and more all of a sudden, but it’s still nice to hear from her.

Yesterday we got two crossword tickets. One lost, the other won $12. Not the hundred or more bucks the dream premonition suggested it may be, but $12 is better than the free ticket or $4 I had been winning before.

Tom and I were having a rather hilarious debate yesterday while we were sitting in the car having burgers and fries when we were bombing. He thinks I could run longer, but not faster than him.

I laughed and said, “My ass you could!”

“Leg length makes a big difference,” he added.

“Yeah, but I’m fitter and I’m lighter. I suppose you think you could kick my ass, too.”

“I didn’t say that, but I could run faster.”

And so I told him he was welcome to let me show him how easily I could leave him in the dust whenever he’s ready. :)

After eating we went to a drugstore and browsed around. I ended up getting a 10-pack of flavored lip gloss, and some scented lotions that were on sale: Sun Blossom and Flower Passion. There’s glitter in it which looks cool. I didn’t realize this at first till I looked down and saw myself sparkling, LOL.

Unfortunately, we had to leave the rat on the porch cuz his cage wouldn’t fit in the back of the car. When we got back we had to wait for a half-hour so he sat in the car with us and explored the front and middle sections of the car.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 5, 2010 It’s after noon now, so I feel confident they’re not going to turn off our power today, and I don’t hear anyone working out on the main road. At least not from what I could hear when I walked up to an open window.

Interesting Formspring questions I got. It’s obvious whoever asked them knows at least a little about me. Hmm…wonder who they could be from and why they chose to be anonymous?

Last night I sent Maliheh a message. But what did I get? Nothing as usual. So again, fuck it. Just fuck it. I get the message! I will fuck off and never bother her again. I was so very flattered to have her follow my blog regularly, even if she didn’t care about me personally, and I guess I still am, but what’s the point? I just don’t get it. If she can dislike me enough to ignore me, then why bother with my blog? It’s like she ignores me but she doesn’t. WTF is up with that??? Fuck trolls and fuck those who don’t give a damn about me! Just fuck ‘em! At least I’m the one who’s warmer now – na, na, na, na, na, na!

I swapped messages yesterday with Eileen and Nane (OMG, you mean somebody actually cares?!) who told me in all caps that she wasn’t mad at me and added lots of smileys. She too, noticed the messages weren’t going through and that the chat feature was broken. As I told her, once I saw that everyone was ignoring my messages I knew that all those people couldn’t be mad at me, LOL.

Helium may be more promising than I thought now that I’ve learned more about my status as a Marketplace Approved Writer. You can write about certain topics that pay (if they select your article to publish) an average of $30 - $90 and require 200-2000 words. The only catch is that they don’t have many of these and they pick the topic. You also have to follow their writing guidelines. You can’t just write it however you want. You have to mention specific things.

I submitted one article and the submission deadline is the 17th of this month. Then they have till the 15th of next month to make their decision. I’m trying not to get too hopeful since these other Marketplace Approved Writers were given that title for the same reason I was – because they were thought to be good. And some of these writers are a lot better than me so I’m up against some serious competition and not likely to succeed. If by some miracle I do, however, then I’ll have made $56 for writing a 429-word article that took less than 15 minutes.

My writing score dropped to 91%, though I’m up a dime in ad revenue. While that may be piddly shit, the cool thing about it is that I don’t need to do a thing to get it. Just being a Marketplace Approved Writer is all it takes!

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 4, 2010 The first part of this entry was written by hand at 1pm:

I’m writing this by hand and will type it up later when the power is back on. Yeah, we’re having another one of those because they’re working on the main road. I’m starting to worry this will become a regular thing. Fortunately, I can type around 200 WPM, so it shouldn’t take long to type and post this.

I called Jesse from the cell shortly after it went out at 11am. He was home, though it took him a while to answer. An hour later he came down to tell me he just talked to the electric company, and they said the power would be back on in an hour. I hope so because we’ve got a lot of shit in the freezer! At least it won’t be 90º today. Just around 80º instead. It’s a gorgeous, quiet sunny day. It’s days like this, especially since it’s already November and I had to sleep with the window open and the fan on last night, that makes me think we don’t live in such a bad climate after all. But in a few days, it will be cold and rainy and I’ll be dreaming of some nice tropical place.

The power’s now been off for two hours. I was hoping that starting to write by hand would jinx it into coming back on, but nope. Not yet. I also got tired of sitting around bored out of my mind and doing nothing.

Maybe I should go fix my broken windsock.

Tom’s got to get crossword scratch tickets for sure. Especially after last night’s dream. It must’ve been a big winner because it seems like he had half a dozen or more words. What was funny was that two of them were swears, but they were perfectly acceptable. It said so in the rules, LOL. The weird thing was that we didn’t know the amount we won right away. It was something that had to be looked up. Some time seemed to pass in the dream and I asked Tom, “Did you ever look up to find what we won?” and he said no, he’d just take the ticket in tomorrow.

I got to thinking of certain people, and I am so tired of giving and getting nothing in return. Everyone’s ignoring my messages despite my asking them to reply. One can only meet others halfway so many times before they say “fuck it. Just fuck it.”

I’ve offered my friendship to these people, they didn’t want it, so now it’s time to move on. I’ll think of them from time to time and I wish them well, but I’m sick of reaching out to others who simply don’t give a damn. Tom gives a damn and that’s what’s most important. I’d rather only he care than for 1000 others to care. Those others would’ve been just bonuses, though nice ones. But if I’m not good enough for you, why should you be good enough for me? Because you might be good-looking? I don’t think so!

I’ll be here if they ever change their minds, but for now, why come to my blog or anything like that if you don’t care?

I’ve cleaned the bathroom, trimmed and polished my fingernails and toenails, and now I don’t know what else to do other than to write and play with the rat. Why is it he comes to me when I call him, but he ignores me when I tell him not to go where I don’t want him going?

Someone’s chainsawing now. I hope Jesse doesn’t spoil the peace with the damn bulldozer, but I don’t think he will.

I just went outside and whoever’s sawing is in back.

The leaves of the Trees of Heaven are turning gold and soon they’ll fall off.

I’m starting to think that what they told Jesse is wrong and that the power will be off till around 4pm like last time.

Before the power failure, which was kind enough to wait till after I got up, I saw that my writing score made quite a jump to 95%. I have 4 articles at #1 too, and am up to 6¢ in ad revenue.

I’ve been seriously slacking off on story writing because I’ve been busy focusing on articles. I’d write part of my story by hand, but I don’t remember where I left off. Guess I’ll start another one!

This part was written now:

The power was off for 4 hours and didn’t come back on till 3pm. And all those people I thought were ignoring me just didn’t get my messages (I’ll write about it later) because Facebook is fucked up for the millionth time. :(

I told Maliheh, who’s apparently getting antsy for my next update, that I sent her a message on FB last night and to please reply, but that’s one person I don’t expect to hear from.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 3, 2010 To me, Maliheh’s coming to my blog has become like a special meeting place for us. A place where we meet, acknowledge one another’s existence and keep in touch. It doesn’t make up for the lack of contact but it’s something.

I tell myself that someday I’ll forget her and I’ll move on. Someday I’ll go back to being not mean and not a prankster, but not forgiving and not friendly. While I understand Maliheh will totally disagree with this, Maliheh’s worst fault was making me feel led on and then cruelly dumped before I was even given a chance. Before we were given a chance to become anything together. But as she said 19 years ago, she wasn’t interested in me or becoming anything. Can I blame her for my being too stupid to figure that out? It wasn’t her fault I let my own hopes and desires prevent me from seeing that the attraction wasn’t mutual. And it’s certainly not her fault I handled it all wrong and started prank-calling her and letting Fran get her number so he could threaten her. The point I’m trying to make is that I wish I could stop caring for those who don’t care about me! But I’ve been in love and lust with those who basically don’t even know I exist a few times in my life. I know this happens to everyone at some point, but it still gets old.

Damnit! There goes Jesse on the fucking bulldozer. This was after he gunned the motorcycle 3 or 4 times in less than an hour for seemingly no reason at all, and went zooming around on the ATV. Yeah, I figured the peace couldn’t last a whole week. What the hell is he doing up there??? I doubt he could be clearing space to build anything since the steepness and trees don’t leave him much space for building, so what could he possibly need to bulldoze for so many hours at a time? He hasn’t got enough room up there for farming either, so I just don’t get what he’s doing other than being a major annoyance.

People have been messaging me to suggest I edit the story like Maliheh wanted and re-post it. Oh, but it’s a lot more work than you think! For example, if I change the name Maliheh, I’ve got to come up with a similar name since one of the neighbors accidentally referred to her as Maria, or change that, too. There’s also the part where I tell her the meaning of her name. Well, that’s another thing that would have to be changed. So one change usually leads to several more. I may as well just put all my energy into creating fresh stuff.

I made a whole cent on the writing site so far. Yeah, lucky me, huh? But I know I really have more than a penny since the accounts don’t reflect most things till the end of the month. After that, I’ll probably quit.

I don’t get why so many people say they can’t even achieve one star. In just a day I got two, so I don’t understand why they’re having such a hard time. If you just use proper spelling, grammar, and punctuation and remember to use paragraph breaks, there shouldn’t be a problem.

We’ve been having warm days and cold nights.

Every now and then I search for what new stuff may come up on Maliheh, and I wonder if she’s a guitar teacher or some sort of musical instructor based on a comment of hers I found on a public post.

Later…

That penny in my writing account is ad revenue – duh! I forgot about that. Like I said, I’ve got to wait till the end of the month to see what I’ve earned, but the good news is that all but one of my articles is in the top 5, and 3 of them are in the #1 spot!

Other than a few minor annoyances from Jesse and having a bee scare the crap out of me that managed to break in, I feel very ignored and abandoned. Not by Alison and Kim, but I feel like everyone else is ignoring me. I was hoping Nane would “like” some of the pictures I uploaded (at least Marilena did) after I’ve “liked” some of hers, but nope. Not a peep out of her. No messages, no comments, no liking anything, no responding to the chat I tried to initiate. Nothing from Dieter either in response to a German question I asked him, who “poked” Alison, so she told me.

Even Mitch and Eileen are ignoring me and that’s totally not like them at all, though I know they’ve been to my blog.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 2010 Once again I’m contemplating leaving Helium. First, though, I got my Marketplace Approved Writer badge in just 3 days. This is for writers they feel do a better job than most and they give them this so that they stand out to publishers. This is quite a compliment as I know some people can’t even get one star and others aren’t even allowed to write for Helium in the first place.

But when I saw I still had two stars yet still $0 I was like whoa! I’m working for free. Then I delved more into the payment and earnings and how it all works. Now it looks like I have to get “selected and published” to get any money if I’m reading things right, and the most I could earn from an article is $2.50 but that’s only if I have 5 stars, something I can’t imagine I’ll ever have. Only the best of the best achieve even 4 stars. My articles are only worth a buck with two stars.

Some girl on ripoffreport.com said that before they made it a rule to pay only those with at least one star, she wrote for them for a year but could never achieve a star. Then she tried to cash out at $20 saying she couldn’t achieve a star but wanted to cash out anyway and close her account, but they wouldn’t let her and so she could never get her $20 or the articles removed. They just kept telling her to get that star she could never get.

So I’ll really have to think about whether or not I want to keep writing there. Praise isn’t something I care about, but money is. I’d rather 100 people tell me I was lousy while I at least got paid for my time and work, rather than 1 person tell me I’m great and not receive a penny.

Marie unblocked me on Facebook but hasn’t added me back. If she tries to I’m not going to accept it this time around. I wish her well, but I think we’re better off just getting on with our lives.

Later…

Tom and I read up on Helium some more and clearly, I can make more money on MT, but I decided to give it another month just to see what happens. This is because they select, publish and pay their writers on the 24th of every month. So I won’t know for a while if I’ve made any money yet.

Jesse’s been amazingly quiet despite the warm weather we’ve been having. Just heard the motorcycle a couple of times today and that was it.

We’re going to have to bomb this weekend since the creepy-crawly count is on the rise.

Let’s see… what else? Not much other than receiving 19 views from my stalker today. But I got an extra one from someone special.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 2010 Now that the rat is settled back in his cage (after practically dragging me around the place by the hem of my robe for nearly half an hour) I can make an update.

I’ve hidden my friend list thanks to crazy Molly going down the list and harassing them and thanks to MyOpera’s lack of willingness to do anything about this crazy mother-fucker. Yeah, my karma for adding Maliheh’s friends. Only I simply added them. I didn’t go and harass them. I did discuss the book with one of them and ask another how they knew Maliheh, but that was it. So the karma doesn’t quite fit the crime.

Incredibly, Jesse did give us a day of peace yesterday. I heard some loud vehicle up there at around 9am today so he might’ve just been getting propane.

Tom and I were joking about getting our own piece of land, hauling this trailer out to live in till we built a better house, then laughing over the thought of Jesse’s reaction to coming down here one day to find nothing but his hideous strips of fake grass and a big bold “bet you need a beer now!” spray-painted in bright letters along a part of the mountainside that mostly consists of rock and dirt, LOL! Yeah, you can really let your creative side fly when you get pissed at someone, LOL, even if it might get you in trouble at times.

I talked to my dad this morning. Mom was out getting a part on her car fixed. I was telling him I dreamt that Tom and I were in Florida last night. It was surprisingly dry and cool for being Florida, but I loved it and wished we could move there. As I also told him, I don’t know why we didn’t just go to their place in the dream, but instead we went to an abandoned motel to save money. We weren’t there long, though, cuz some guy with a tow truck came and told us to get the hell out or else he’d tow our car away. So we started packing as fast as we could, but the more we packed, the more we seemed to have left to pack.

I was saying how we still hope to buy a house in a couple of years but don’t know what state or if it’ll be in a rural or retirement setting. I asked if he thought barking dogs would be an issue in a retirement community, and he said no. He said they have a Homeowner’s Association where he can technically go in his neighbor’s backyard because it’s his land too, but he can’t leave a dog out there.

He also lives where most dogs are considered household pets unlike the West, and so that’s why I worried that dogs would be left outdoors 24/7 even in a retirement community out here, but he doesn’t think it would be that way if that’s what we go with.

He said just pick a state we feel we’ll be happiest in, and as I told him, that’ll depend on how the money is at the time. It’s kind of a Catch-22 when you think about it because if he has a good job at the time, we won’t want to throw it away to move, yet if we’re broke at the time we still couldn’t move anyway. So I think we’ll probably be in NorCal all our lives even if it’s too cold half of the time. I just don’t want to risk getting into similar jams like when we moved to Oregon and then here.

I told him Jesse’s out of work due to a bad back and getting on my nerves with bulldozers and his fleet of various vehicles, and he said maybe he’ll hurt his back some more soon enough. I laughed and said that was exactly what I was thinking, LOL.

He asked about restaurants here and as I told him, we don’t go out to eat much since it’s too expensive. He said they have too big of a variety to choose from where they are, but that it doesn’t cost them as much because they get senior discounts. They can’t eat as much as they used to, he said, so they take the rest home.

Dad’s now down to 188 pounds, saying there was once a time he was 217. I told him Tom lost 50 pounds. He’s now down to 235 and dropping. I’m still between 125-130 because I just can’t discipline myself to stick to 1000 calories day after day after day. I wish I couldn’t eat as much, but if it weren’t for money and weight gain I could and would eat all the time. I love to eat!

Ma’s at 160-something and trying to lose a little weight. That’s still not too bad even though she’s only about 5’ 3”. She still has to take two shots of insulin a day too, because she’s diabetic – ugh!

I asked him if he thought the health care reform thing was a joke or if it would really kick in since we don’t know for sure that Tom will have a permanent position anywhere in the near future since they’re getting harder and harder to get. It’s like the whole damn country’s nothing but temp workers these days! He said they’ve got to do something and take care of their own instead of doing so much for other countries as a way of maintaining friendly relations.

“They should quit kissing ass and just send a cute little e-card instead and show their friendliness that way,” I said, and he agreed.

I told him about Helium and said I didn’t expect it to pay much but I’m giving it a try. I almost quit. It just seemed like a lot of work and steps you had to go through in order to achieve one lousy star, and the last thing I want to do is work for a damn star and not money. But when I woke up this morning to check for a stats update, I found I had two stars and a writing score of 87.58%. Two of my articles rank #1. So maybe I’ll stick with it a while longer.

Instead of Marie dropping in on my blog from time to time like I told her to in that one message I sent her before accepting her friend invite, she dropped me as a friend and blocked me instead. I guess she really wants someone who will basically devote their entire life to her, but this is cool. Now I know I don’t have to worry about her bothering me. Instead, I’m being stalked by Molly. Hey, someone’s gotta stalk me, huh? It just can’t be anyone as good-looking and as sane as Maliheh or Nane. beats head

Well, Jesse’s around. I went into the kitchen for some water when I saw Whiskey outside. I went out and said hello and patted him for a few minutes.

[missdbrill]

27.10.24

A LETTER

Dear Danny

I can't believe it has been nearly 2 years since we first started messaging and our first date.

You came into my life and made me so incredibly happy. You loved me how I had always wanted to me loved. Your hand on my face felt so protective and so safe. I am so calm in your arms. It feels like home. I have never felt like that before. Our relationship was on fast forward the first few months. The first Christmas we didn't even get to spend together but you thoughtfully bought the kids a shark game. The first New Year's eve when we made love on the sofa as the clock striked 12 and they played 'It must be love' as the fireworks lit up the London sky on the tv. It could not have been more perfect. The hot chocolates you thoughtfully made me with all the trimmings, marshmallows, cream AND pretty blue sprinkles stars and balls. You were so cute. You loved me so hard. We talked of trips and you spontaneously booked Florence for our first Valentines. I was so blown away. It was an incredible first trip together. We talked of holidaying in the Maldives. We talked of marriage and then babies when I accidentally fell pregnant. We wished we had met sooner. We wished we had a family but at least we did meet at all regardless of timing. You called me your wife during sex and the chemistry was through the roof. The passion and fire of our lovemaking was intense. We would spwnd whole days in bed together. The hours would fly by. I remember staring into your eyes and feeling so much love for you and in return. You loved me so so hard. You told me I would always be your priority. That you would support me. You generously gave me money when I needed it. That we would work through anything together.

Then I don't know what happened but you started to doubt yourself, to doubt us. You knew you loved me but seemed to have an internal battle. Our relationship started to yo yo, a push and pull that was excruciating for me at first. I didn't know what had happened, why it had happened. One minute I was your everything, the next you were so distant. Yet you were always amazing with the kids. They loved you and you made so much effort with them. Which endeared you even more to me.

But then the cycle continued, you changed before my eyes. You made less effort. You seemed to care less. You blew hot and cold. I did at least get to meet Josh, and then your parents at Christmas. I was grateful for that. I needed it.

But now here we are, nearly 2 years later and I seem even closer to losing you. You shun commitment. You are honest about that and about how unsettled you are in life. And I appreciate the honesty. But it brings me so much pain. Sometimes I don't hear from you for over 24hrs. My msgs go unanswered. We don't speak on the phone, I wish we did. Sometimes I need that connection. You jsed to barely be apart from me for a week. Now 2 weeks pass and I am not sure it even phases you. If you even miss me at all. I am so aware you will leave. And it is the most awful emotional pain I have ever felt. We aren't perfect but we are perfectly imperfect together. We are enough. I feel so safe with you. There is nothing after this. I wouldn't want to love again. I finally found love but love didn't find me. You tell me you arw unreliable, that you make snap decisions, you don't trust yourself. And I am here loving you more than I have loved anyone. I understand you more than you understand yourself and you don't even know. You don't even realise. I don't want to lose you. But you want to lose yourself. And there is nothing I can do but hurt.

[deardiaryxo1]

Dear Diary,

I've decided to start writing a diary here, a place where I can pour out my emotions and thoughts without fear of anyone ever stumbling upon it. 🤫

High school can be such a whirlwind of emotions, and I desperately need an outlet to put my feelings on something 🫠.

You see, there's this guy that I'm head over heels in love with, but he doesn't even know I exist lol

Every day, I see him walking through the halls, he is year older. He's …..HOOOOOOT. 😱😭 But there's one problem - he already has a girlfriend.🙂

It's hard for me to understand why he's with her. She seems more interested in the idea of dating someone as attractive as him, rather than truly being in love with him. She's the popular girl, the one everyone adores. With her blond hair and blue eyes, people say she's the most beautiful girl in school. But honestly, I don't see it. To me, she just looks like an average popular girl from any other school.

It's frustrating to watch them together, knowing that I could offer him so much more. I see the way he gazes at her, hoping to find a connection that seems to be missing. I yearn for him to see me 😭

But for now, I'll keep my feelings hidden, locked away inside the pages of this diary. I'll continue to watch him from afar, silently cheering him on in my heart. Maybe, just maybe, someday he'll notice me and see beyond the facade of popularity.🫠

Anyways, let’s get to the small twist of this all lol {DRUM ROLL} 🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁

You see, for the past two weeks, I have been talking to him on Facebook, but there's a twist to the story - he doesn't know it's me. 😭😂

Let me explain.

I created a fake Facebook account, using a different name and all info, and approached him with a weird shit story lol I told him that I had seen him around and blah blah blah and surprisingly, he went along with it.

The chats have been going on for two weeks now, and we've developed quite a bond. 🫠 We talk about our days (as if I don’t know his day 🥲). It's quite amusing to listen to him sharing his experiences, knowing I already have insight into his life.

I must admit, it's become a bit of a best friend conversation, despite the fact that most of what I've told him is a lie.

However, amidst all these lies, there is one truth that I've stuck to - my name. I may have created a fake persona, but my name remains unchanged. Perhaps it's because deep down, I believe that honesty should be at the core of any relationship, even if it's built on deception.

I find it intriguing how easily we've formed a connection, despite the dishonesty that lurks behind every message. We seem to have a lot in common, and it's effortless to keep our conversations flowing. Yet, there's a part of me that wonders how long I can maintain this charade without it coming crashing down. 😫

I can't help but wonder how he would react if he discovered the truth. Would he be angry, hurt, or understanding? Would he appreciate our connection enough to overlook the lies I've told? It's a risk that I knowingly took, but now it keeps me up at night, wondering about the potential consequences. 😭

As the days pass, the situation with him becomes increasingly complicated. It seems that he is eager to take our online connection to the next level, suggesting meeting up or casually saying hello in person. This puts me in a precarious position, as I am torn between maintaining the facade and coming clean about my true identity.

Whenever he brings up the subject of meeting, I find myself crafting feeble excuses to avoid the situation. 😩 So far, my excuses have been successful in diverting his attention away from the idea. But deep down, I know that this cannot go on forever. Sooner or later, I will have to confront the truth and make a decision about how to proceed.

Maybe I am selfish but let me say one thing - whatever is going on is better than nothing 🥹

Yours sincerely,

A Hopeful Hearty

[theautisticbarbie]

A Bird of Praise

Act II

Chapter IV: Someone Familiar

Previous Chapter

Next Chapter

Word Count: 3,420

Woof! I meant to post this sooner but woke up with a pounding migraine. But better late than never, right?

Chapter summary: Tara immediately presses charges against Jason for his crime, but begins to experience an otherworldly fallout due in no small part to his actions.

Warnings: mentions of rape, interrogation after being raped (Hopper doesn’t exactly understand the concept of being survivor-informed), traumatic medical settings (getting the rape kit was HELL for Tara, Billy being a cheating douche, smut (p in v, shower sex, dubcon) Russian ballet teachers (real ones understand why this is a warning), body shaming.

In the office, you could hear a pin drop.

“Can you describe the man who raped you?” Hopper asked.

“I know who it was. Jason Carver. He goes to my school,” Tara said.

Hopper let out an exasperated sigh.

“Why don’t you start off by telling me what happened?”

“I went to a Halloween party with my boyfriend.”

“Is he here with you?”

“No… he’s back at the party. He doesn’t even know what happened.”

“So, you left without him? You left him there at the party, correct?”

“Yeah…”

“Okay. Were you drinking at all?”

There was silence.

“Tara, I can only help you if you tell me the truth. If you were drinking, Jason’s defence attorney is absolutely going to use that against you. So it’s better to get out in front of it now. Were you drinking? Yes or no.”

Tears ran down Tara’s face as she took a shaky breath. “Yes. A lot, actually.”

“Okay. I appreciate your honesty. It really makes a difference.”

Tara started to hyperventilate as more tears flowed down her face.

“I know this is hard, but I just have a few more questions.”

By the time they were done, Tara was in full blown tears.

“I think that just about wraps this up. The deputy is gonna escort you to the hospital where they’ll do the rape kit. You’ll need a change of clothes. The costume is gonna have to be taken in as evidence of the assault.”

“Can I please make a quick phone call first?” Tara asked, wiping her tears away.

“Buckley Residence.”

“Robin, it’s Tara. Do you still have the key to my place?”

“Of course! Why do you need something?”

“Yeah. I need a change of clothes. I was just raped and they need to take the ones I have on as evidence. Can you stop by my place and bring them over to the County Hospital ER?”

“Of course!”

The exam was brutal. Despite the fact that the nurses were very kind and understanding, the highly invasive amount of evidence they had to collect took a massive toll. Several vaginal swabs, a blood draw to show evidence that she had been drugged, pictures and notes of the bruising and several other things. Thankfully, she had some privacy to change into a hospital gown and hand in her costume as evidence.

When Robin got there with her change of clothes, Tara just about collapsed into her arms in tears. Robin comforted her the best she could.

The deputy was kind enough to escort them back to Tara’s car in the school parking lot after the exam was done and all of the paperwork was completed. The deputy also told her that an officer would follow up with her tomorrow to sign off on the finalised police report, seeing as how the secretary had gone home for the night hours ago.

The drive home was completely silent until Robin spoke.

“I told your mom that you asked me to get you out of the party because it was a snooze fest.”

“You’re the best.”

Once Tara got inside, she immediately went up the the bathroom and started puking. Like Billy, Daniel was still at the party. Eleanor came up while she was cleaning herself off and knocked on the doorway, getting her attention.

“You know, Tara, if you ever need me to come get you, you can call me,” she said.

“Okay,” Tara said, simply acknowledging her mother.

“I have to go to work, but if there’s anything you ever need to talk about, I’m here.”

“Okay mom.”

The truth was that to Tara, Eleanor’s actions and her words didn’t match. She always berated her for small human errors and made her feel worse about herself.

Eleanor left for work, leaving Tara to take a shower. She stood under the running water and just sobbed, punching the bathroom wall in anger and frustration.

Once she got out and changed into her pyjamas, Robin was in her room waiting for her.

“Tara, if you want me to stay over and spend the night, I can.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, no problem!”

Robin did everything she could think of to take Tara’s mind off of the events that transpired tonight. Thankfully, she was already pretty tired so it didn’t take long for her to fall asleep.

In her dreams, she saw the burning New Belgium lab. This was a dream she was having quite regularly, but every time she tried to approach it, she felt an unshakable sense of dread. Still, the frustrating plateau that Tara found herself with in terms of controlling her powers drove her to move forward. Before she could enter the burning building, she heard the chime of a grandfather clock. When she turned around, there it was. For some reason or another, this particular clock had her frozen in sheer terror.

She woke up drenched in a cold sweat, gasping for air. She turned to her left to see that Robin was fast asleep.

After taking a deep sigh, she decided to have a snack to calm her nerves.

When she passed by Daniel’s room in the hallway, she heard the sound of his bed creaking and a girl moaning. “I guess Billy didn’t come back up to bed,” she said to herself.

When she went downstairs, she saw Billy splayed out on the couch, unconscious and clutching a nearly empty bottle of tequila.

“Go figure,” Tara said, exasperated.

She went in the kitchen and fixed herself a pizza bagel, her designated safe food.

While she was eating her snack, she heard a knock on the door and looked at the clock on the stove. 3:14 am.

Who on earth could that be at this hour? She decided to approach the door to see if she could gauge who it was without answering it.

“Billy,” the girl on the other side slurred. “I know you’re there. I followed your car home.”

Of course he drove drunk.

“You can’t just make me cum like that and disappear. Come on.”

That hurt. By now Tara was used to Billy having sex with other girls, but she didn’t expect those girls to literally show up at her door.

“You really get me, Billy. I need you. Now.”

Tara couldn’t take this anymore and decided to step outside.

“Who are you?” the girl slurred.

“I’m his girlfriend,” Tara replied flatly. “And I’m sorry, but he’s playing you.”

The two sat on the steps of the porch while they compared stories.

“I’m so sorry,” the girl said. “I swear I didn’t know he had a girlfriend.”

“I believe you. He does that.”

Tara looked at the cigarette which she had taken a few puffs of and sighed. “He turned me into a monster.”

“I wouldn’t say that. You didn’t come bite my head off when I showed up.”

“I’m so sick of this. All he does is drink and cheat on me and I’m stuck with him.”

“Why is that? Why can’t you leave?”

“It’s complicated… I’m sorry, I never caught your name.”

“It’s Patti.”

“Patti,” Tara repeated.

“Guess he duped both of us,” Patti offered.

“Come on. I’ll drive you home.”

The drive back to Patti’s house was relatively quiet, apart from the occasional sounds of the nocturnal wildlife.

Once Tara dropped Patti back off and went back to her place, she completely crashed, leaving her half-eaten pizza bagel in the kitchen.

She woke up to the sound of her very hungover boyfriend vomiting in her bathroom.

She entered the bathroom and placed a gentle hand on his back with one hand and held his hair back with another.

“God, baby, you’re so good to me.” Billy said.

“I’ll get you some water. That and a shower should make you feel better.”

“Why don’t you join me?” Billy offered suggestively.

“Because I already showered last night.”

Well, it’s a good thing that the nurses got everything they needed for the rape kit because once again, Billy got his way.

The shower water ran over them both while his cock was buried to the hilt inside of her.

He was riding out his third orgasm, kissing Tara hungrily while obscene moans fell from his lips.

“God, baby! Your fucking pussy feels like heaven! I love being inside of you! I could goddamn live inside of you and I would never complain once!”

He thrusted harder, bringing on his fourth and final orgasm.

Speaking of orgasms, Tara didn’t have any. Maybe it was the roofie still in her system. Maybe it was because of everything that happened, but she didn’t cum.

Once Billy and her got dressed and walked out to the driveway, Tara stopped.

“What’s wrong, doll face?” Billy asked.

“Um… it’s just that I have an important errand to run after school, so I think it would be better if I drove myself.”

“Important errand?”

“Yeah. Something happened and the police want me to come down to the station and give a statement.”

“Ah. Cops. Gotta love ‘em.”

“I mean, it’s not really a suggestion, Billy.”

“Yeah, I got that. See you around,” Billy said, slamming his car door in an annoyed manner before riding off at standard Billy Hargrove driving speed.

Once Tara pulled up to school, things seemed okay for a bit. Nancy was absent during first period, which worried her.

She only remembered her trying to shoo her away from the party. Everything else was a blur until she was assaulted.

Did something happen, she wondered.

Things continued to go askew when the PA announcement chimed.

“Attention Hawkins High! If you are a member of the cheer squad, the gymnastics team or the ballet team, there has been a gas leak in the dance studio. Classes will be held in the gymnasium and on the blacktop until the problem is fixed. That’s all. Please continue to go about your business.”

Okay, that’s tedious, but at least class would still be held.

When she got to the gym, however, the students who got there seemed frazzled and nervous.

“What’s going on?” Tara almost didn’t dare to ask. “Why is everyone so upset?”

“It’s a conspiracy! The universe hates us!” a ginger freshman shouted.

“Summer, what’s wrong?” Tara repeated, trying to remain measured.

“Coach Yelling Bitch is subbing today!” Summer cried.

Maya Jelavich. The poster child for Russian Ballet teachers. She takes the motto of “no excuses” and ramps it up to eleven.

So much for being able to use today’s class to decompress.

The first half of class, the warm up, was held on the blacktop, with track fences being used as substitutes for ballet bars.

Once the dancers were warmed up, they did the second half of class in the gym, where the boy’s basketball team was playing shirts and skins. Billy was on team skins because of course he was.

Tara noticed Billy was giving Steve a particularly hard time. Perhaps she should have payed it less mind because she was immediately berated by Coach Jelavich for “ogling the basketball boys”.

There was always a running bet to see who would either be reduced to tears or leave class early first when she was subbing and how long it would be.

The fact that everyone made it through the first half of class was impressive, but this is where she gets real.

The first one came when the dancers were practising their fouetté turns.

“I can see your lunch, Miss Cunningham.”

Poor Chrissy literally ran out.

“That was mean! Chrissy works really hard!” Tara said.

Tara was not normally bold enough to stand up to her teachers, but between Nancy possibly being missing, getting sexually assaulted, seeing her boyfriend cheating on her with 2 girls at once and one of said girls coming back to HER HOUSE looking for him, Tara was fed up.

“Well, Miss Newman, perhaps you can go next.”

Tara was never the best at fouetté turns, but Coach Jelavich was grilling her hardcore. The criticism and badgering were overwhelming, and that combined with improper spotting made her fall over.

“Absolutely pitiful! Again!”

A reprieve thankfully came when Vice Principal Whitmore came into the gym and asked to speak to both Coach Jelavich and the basketball team coach in private.

The boys were told to keep playing and Tara was told to keep practising.

Billy wasn’t letting up at all. He was really giving Steve the business. It all came to a head when Billy literally threw the ball at Steve’s face, knocking him over.

“Eat shit, Harrington!” Billy whooped.

“Billy! Stop that! Leave him alone already! What are you trying to prove?” Tara finally said, losing her patience.

“It’s just harmless fun, babe. No need to get your panties in a twist.”

“Doesn’t look harmless to me.”

“What do you care if he gets bitched on, anyways? You’re MY girlfriend. You fucking him or something?”

“For the millionth time, Billy, no! I am not having sex with Steve Harrington! He has a girlfriend!”

“Look,” Steve interjected. “I think, for whatever reason, we’re all a little upset and frustrated. Why don’t we just take a breather and—“

“Except that’s not your call, is it, Harrington? That’s for coach to decide and he’s outside getting his shit wrecked by Bitchmore.”

“Come on, man. Don’t call her that. I know she’s a hard-ass but be cool.”

“Well, Harrington, it seems to me like you went from being the expert on being cool to the last guy who would know jack shit about it, so—“

“We get it, Billy!” Tara interrupted. “You’re the alpha! The be-all-end-all of ultimate manliness and every girl absolutely worships you! Is that what you wanted to hear?”

Billy scoffed and walked away to take a swig from his water.

“Um, thanks, I guess,” Steve said to Tara, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Where’s Nancy?” Tara asked, definitely more accusatory than she intended.

“You’re kidding, right? Why don’t you ask him?” Steve said, pointing at Billy. “He was the one egging you on to verbally massacre her.”

“Verbally massacre?”

“Yeah, you told her that you two weren’t actually friends and that you didn’t need her. Oh and apparently she was only pretending to be your friend to feel better about herself.”

“I would never say anything like that!”

Just then, the two coaches came back.

“Well, you did.”

Without another word, Tara returned to her fouettés.

Coach Jelavich ramped up her heckling, compounding her berating and insults with a phrase that stung.

“You are embarrassing, disappointing and amateur! I would have never cast you as principal! You will never be Odette!”

That hurt. Tara fell to the floor, losing her balance and tears fell from her eyes, prompting her boyfriend to finally intervene.

“Jesus Christ! Lay off her!”

“Mind your own business lunkhead basketball boy.”

“At least I’m not a former Commie.”

“You are simple. You toss around ball and think that entitles you to endless accolades. Ballet is a culture. It’s a way of life. And if you do not live that way of life, you do not deserve pointe shoes.”

Billy decided he was uninterested in what she was saying and ran over to Tara’s side.

“Are you okay, babe?”

He tried to help her up, but she snatched herself away. “Don’t touch me!”

Tara got up and grabbed her gym back before turning back to Billy. “We’re through!”

And with that, Tara stormed out, leaving Billy with an initial look of confusion that gradually became seething anger once he realised that he had been dumped.

Truthfully, Tara had never run out of class before, so she had no idea what to do or where she was going.

At least until she saw mullet man smoking in the designated smoking area.

“What are you doing out of class?” he asked, causing Tara to give a mortified expression.

“I’m just messing with you, princess.” he said with a chuckle.

Tara responded with a half hearted chuckle, still VERY uneasy about the situation.

“First time cutting?” he asked.

That question initially caught Tara off guard and she had an expression that looked like it could have been panic until she had a realisation.

“Oh you mean class?”

“What else could I have possibly meant? Yes, I meant class.”

“Oh… yeah…”

“Hey, sorry about last night. My girl, Brenda, if she sees me interacting with someone who has even one iota of cleavage, she assumes I’m trying to cheat.”

“Seriously? That’s awful!”

Mullet man shrugged. “She’s been cheated on a lot in the past. You know the old saying. Once bitten, twice shy and all.”

Tara thought to herself and came to to conclusion that as unfaithful as Billy was, he wouldn’t ever presume he was cheating unless she was given indisputable evidence like the many times she found the leftover undergarments in his car or the one time she literally caught him in the act. To accuse someone of cheating simply because the girl had cleavage seemed a bit extreme, even under her circumstances.

“I should go. This isn’t me. I’m not meant for truancy.”

“I can respect that. See you around, princess.”

On the way back to class, Tara was stopped by the school nurse.

“Tara what are you doing?”

Her blood ran cold and she froze like a deer in headlights. Getting caught cutting class was not something she wanted on her record and it definitely wasn’t something she wanted to explain to her mother.

“You walked right past me. Again,” she said shaking a pill bottle.

Right. Her heart medication. It was time to take that, anyway.

Once lunch rolled around, Tara saw Nancy eating with Jonathan. She was relieved that Nancy was okay, but boy oh boy did she have some splainin’ to do.

“Nancy!” Tara called. “Nancy! I’m so sorry!”

“For?” Nancy asked, shooting a look of confusion.

“For what I said at Tina’s party last night!”

“What?”

“Apparently I said some things at the party while I was drunk but I want you to know that I was way out of line and I didn’t mean any of them!”

“Okay. Good to know,” Nancy said, still very confused.

“Friends?”

“Of course,” Nancy said, still perplexed before Tara gave her a one-sided hug.

By the time school was out for the day, it occurred to Tara that Billy might decide to take the fact that she broke up with him out on Max and decided to stake out the parking lot to intercept her before she could get hurt.

She saw Billy out there with another girl. Guess he wasn’t all that upset about getting dumped. Then again, it’s entirely possible that he made plans with her the moment she said she was going back home without him.

The two of them were waiting out there for quite a while before Billy finally said “Screw it! The little shit can skate home!”

After he drove away, Tara emerged from the car she was hiding behind and decided to go find Max herself.

She trekked the grounds of the middle school looking for her.

“Max? Max?”

Where on earth could she possibly be?

After rigorously searching through the halls, she ran smack dab into what initially looked like another middle schooler.

“I’m so sorry! Are you okay?” she instinctively asked before taking another look at this little girl. The first thing that immediately struck Tara was that this kid looked vaguely like she could be a younger version of her.

However, she could only get a glimpse before the very clearly agitated girl decided to fling her back at least 10 feet away.

Once Tara recovered from the shock, she looked up to see the girl had her arm extended outward and blood ran from her nose. As she got up, she put the pieces together and realised that this girl had the same abilities that she did.

But how was that even possible? She was the only survivor from the New Belgium facility.

Or was she? She needed answers. Just then, the girl started to walk away.

“Wait!” Tara called.

The girl decided to run. Tara followed but whoever this kid was, she knew how to run for it.

“Wait! Stop!” Tara pleaded. “I’m a friend!”

She extended her arm in an attempt to use her powers to stop her, but with the roofie still in her system, it was no dice.

She got away.

“Jason Carver, you dirtbag!” Tara shouted, kicking a locker in frustration.

[writteninscarlet]

Her general understanding of engineering didn’t cover the workings of his boot. Or any of the suit. And if she was only casually observing, she probably would just believe he was working. But her eyes weren’t on his hands and their movements, it was on his face. Her brow furrowed as he turned away, that feigned attention elsewhere. No, whatever he was doing wasn’t requiring such attention or time.

Wanda could have butted in at any point, but she let him speak. Such honesty was refreshing. Not that Tony wasn’t usually honest with her, but this was a wave of thoughts instead of what he had handcrafted and selectively picked out to tell her.

Wanda appreciated the honesty, but she never thought him a LIAR. Except maybe to himself. She wasn’t deluded enough (anymore) to believe that he had never lied and everything was sunshine and roses. Because he had lied, as had she. But he told the truth more often than not. If you listened.

As for what he was actually saying, he’d used a lot of words to cover the same ground. But it made her smile. It was a Tony answer and truthfully - unless rushed - she rather liked them. Because if you listened, you could learn a fair bit. And store enough information to tease him later. But Wanda had no intention of teasing him this time. And if HE had been able to wander in his reply, then she would do the same.

“You know, Pietro and I of course knew who you were before we joined the Avengers. I’d rather not go into the fact that we didn’t work out the link between you and Iron Man sooner, but that’s beside the point.” Her arms folded across her chest, a soft and nostalgic smile on her features. A hint of humour flashed through before it was simply warmth. “And I was amazed both by what you were capable of as Iron Man and as Tony Stark. Just being you. That hasn’t changed. You still impress me constantly. But back then I thought you were simply just above everything else. Pietro and I were so poor, and mutants, and foreign, and it was so difficult to find common ground with anyone… I thought you were rather out of reach.”

Her hand reached out, not quite touching him for a second, before her smile widened and she learned over further to nudge his arm with her fingers.

“But I learnt differently rather quickly when we worked together. So annoying and petty and obsessive and honestly the number of times I found myself having to argue and talk back— I was so frustrated with decisions I thought you’d made unilaterally and without thinking—“ Her face crumpled, her emotions showing showing so easily in front of Tony now that even just thinking of those moments caused a petulant frown to cross her expression. A huff of feigned annoyance that ended with a smile. “Looking back I appreciate it. Because you made me feel comfortable enough to do that. And I felt confident. And you do what you can to help.”

“You’re right. Even the frustration is not so bad. I like being myself around you. Though I'm not sure I'd like to think what the next stage of insufferable is.” But perhaps that was too deep, but it also seemed the simplest way to explain it. They had been throughs ups and downs. Wanda never thought him perfect, but who needed that? Who needed such false pretences and boredom? Tony wasn’t broken, he just had his flaws as she did she. It was what made them, cliche as that felt to think. They were both intrinsically flawed.

And again, if he could ramble, then so could she.

“I always knew you cared, Tony. What happened— to us both—“ Silence falling, a little almost imperceptible shake of her head except her auburn locks bounced. “Well, it’s in the past. Maybe we both could have done more, but I only think of that to make me try harder now.”

“You’ve ALWAYS been important, Tony.” To her. To a lot of people. But she wasn’t thinking of others right now. Wanda was really doing her best to be more open these days. Bottled emotions had led to destruction in the past, and as she’d had just said, she wanted to learn from those mistakes. Tony was important. And she cared for him. Right here, right now. It wasn’t a conscious effort she had made, it simply happened. It was just that the words were stumbling from her.

“I like… this. Us, here just now. What if I like weird?” So close to just the simplest way of putting it. “Or like you?” That was a good job of being casual, the slightest tilt of her head and upturn of her lips.

And he was going to be content with that reply. That was…Safe. It was careful. Noncommittal. Taken at face value it came across as nothing too out of the way or out of left field or too much, which was more than not the case with him. It sounded like any other teasing compliment he could give that could be left at face value and interpreted that way managed to not upset the metaphorical apple cart. It could be left alone. Left standing as-is and that was, you know, fine.

And he was willing to leave it there, accept that as Good Enough, lean back over the disassembled jet boot in front of him and get back to things that were less nebulous - things he could fix, things that were straightforward, in other words - and the world would spin on. Besides, why agonize over words that had been carefully (oh so carefully) chosen for their neutrality, why be bothered that in the worry that he was maybe leaning too much to one side too obviously he'd managed to instead maintain the status quo to the point it would be funny, if it were anyone else.

No, he had bigger things to occupy himself with; something had been overtaxed, deep within the flight propulsion system's innards, in that last callout, and the jetboot carefully reduced to the whole of its parts had been sticky ever since, and he'd be in trouble, if he didn't actually do what he'd set out to do, which was find the issue, repair it, test it. Test it again. And then figure out why it had happened in the first place so he could go back to the drawing board, correct the issue from the ground up in a tweaking of design and, eventually, a new set of boots.

Besides, it was better, right. Leaving it there. People grew close and pushed each other away all the time in this business - it seemed to attract a crowd that was prone to it, overall, himself very much included - and while she might enjoy their time together now...A week, a month, six months from now, the answer could and probably would be very different. Grace was finite. And he had a laundry list of various character flaws (and a monument to mistakes) that said one day he'd exhaust everyone around him of second chances and forgiveness.

Instead, he found himself shuffling the internals of the boot around, looking busy without being able to focus on the task at hand, because the task before hadn't been checked off satisfactorily.

He always got accused of making people's choices for them (guilty), and he got accused of being secretive and taciturn (also guilty), but he liked to think, generally, he eventually learned from those mistakes he'd made, even if some proved harder to remember the lessons of than others, and this one most of all. It was dishonest, leaving it there. Better, maybe, for the both of them, but dishonest.

"-What I mean is-" He finally put aside the long nosed pliers he'd been toying with, more than anything, giving up the pretense he was actually working, "-It's not just about the fun, easy parts? The frustration's not a bad thing. I'd rather be here frustrated at you, than unfrustrated- Actually, rephrase that: Unchallenged. Can you imagine how insufferable I'd be?"

It sounded like a joke, but it was just facts: He'd no doubt convince himself he was right, that the course he'd chosen - whatever it was, in any situation - was the right one, and it would inevitably blow up in his face because contrary to his own protestations, he did not know everything. And Wanda had never once been too shy to let him know when he was being dumb, or overbearing, or insufferable. To give him a reality check on his ego.

"I've just been thinking a lot, you know?" Which, maybe, wasn't that huge of a surprise, no, but he'd said it many times before: He was always thinking, but oftentimes it was about completely the wrong thing. "About everything, yeah, but especially the past. You know, that time we spent out in California."

The Wackos. Force Works. Undoubtedly the worst examples to bring up, but the most salient.

"I know I didn't exactly make things easy for you, and I know you probably wanted to strangle me more than once and then…" And then he wasn't even him. The ending was still a little fuzzy, as far as his memories were concerned. "And there's a lot of water under the bridge since then, but…I always thought the world of you even when I was being an asshole. You know that, right? I really did. Do. Never stopped. When we thought we'd lost you, I blamed myself more than anything. Realized if I'd told you more often, checked in more often, things might have been different."

He fell silent a moment, toying with the lens of the boot's repulsor to keep his hands busy, more than anything. "I just didn't expect it to be like this. And, you know, I don't wanna make things weird, but it feels dishonest not to say so, and honesty and transparency are things I'm giving a shot these days. And…And that's all."

[the-dawn-star]

Place to Stay part 23 Klaus M. x GIlbert!reader x Elijah M.

A/N: Hello and happy holidays! I'm sorry for the wait but here it is now.

-S

+ 2300ish words, proof read by Ana_Mia_Lisa on ao3. extra plus: comments, reblogs are high appreciated.

For a moment my heart stopped beating, ceasing its respective function entirely. My hands clenched into tight fists.

The inevitable confrontation. It had come sooner than I expected it to.

My sister, accompanied by the spawns of satan walked through the front door. 

They would certainly not let her walk into danger alone! My brain commented sarcastically. 

Some, –mostly the elderly or mothers that had marriageable sons– would say that my sister looked like an angel sent by the Gods. This chapter of our lives had completely reassessed that statement. Elena was no angel if she walked right besides him. 

Why was she here? To exact revenge? Make a statement? Tell me to pack my things and leave? Lecture me on how I should pick my friends? Those were the only options. Because, what was there left to say besides that? 

My sister, who I loved so much, the only biological family I had left, the only person who had seen me grow up and become who I am today. For better and for worse. Wasn’t on my side anymore. 

What was left of our family was a mess. 

I took a sharp breath. Enough was enough. I would not let her or the vampire she pretended not to love shove me around anymore. 

My throat closed up, and I glanced  at the wine bottle, left on the coffee table. I drank from the bottle itself without a second thought. 

Why should I care about how I look in my own home? 

I remember the nights when Elena went  to parties while I stayed at home. And the moments when she came home drunk and barely able to stand straight. She’d only gotten a slap to the wrist before mom told her to get to bed and sleep the alcohol away. 

When did I become the one to day drink alone? 

My mother had always called me the more empathetic of the two of us, and maybe I would have shown some semblance of empathy towards my sister, if she had the guts to confront me on her own. 

She did not. 

Damon freaking Salvatore with his icy blue eyes and a creepy behavior towards minors, stood there with his signature mock expression. 

How could she bring him here, to our home? After all that he had done to me? To her? To Caroline?To Bonnie? Had she really thought that this would be the smoothest way to approach me? With this particular vampire on her heels?!

Not a chance.

Elena opened her mouth to say something, her hands locked in front of her chest. Was my sister nervous? I didn't know and I certainly didn't care enough to know. At that moment I couldn’t feel much of anything towards my sister. 

“Hello lovely sister! How has your day been?” I did not stand there, turning on my heels, I walked towards the kitchen. “Please, let yourself in. Although I would prefer that you'd leave the dog outside. I've just cleaned up, you see.” 

I knew that the sarcasm couldn’t bring anything good, but holy god it felt good to show my distaste for once.  

I disposed of the half empty bottle into the trash can. 

“Well, well. The kitten has claws.” 

Damon's comment was ignored. By me and my sister it seemed. 

“I know that you are angry, and I’m really sorry how all this turned out–”  

“So tell me Elena,” my tone dripped with sarcasm, “how exactly did you hope it would have gone? I’m genuinely interested.”  

But I didn’t get a response from her, because like I expected she didn’t have one, at least one that didn’t have the possibility of me dying in the hands of the Original family. Because there wasn’t such a possibility that I had gotten the daggers and survived.  

“You hooking up with Klaus, until you have wrapped him around your finger that he has no choice than to save you, that was the first draft of the plan. But you fucking Elijah too was just a nice addition, so good work with that,” Damon spoke way too calmly and somehow dared to give me a thumbs up.  

People often talked about seeing red, and in all honesty, I never knew what it really meant. But if it was real and not something that the poets and writers made up…, this must have been what it felt like. An anger unlike anything that I had felt ever before. Was this the feeling that people felt right before killing someone, because at that moment I really wanted to kill Damon Salvatore in our living room.  

“I’ve always wanted you to be safe Y/N, you know that.”

My breathing was shaky, too much for my liking. Maybe that was the reason why I felt like I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t look at them, I couldn’t look at the man that I wanted to murder so badly, and my sister...oh my dear sister, who would rather side with him than me. Her family.

I stood up slowly, making sure that I wouldn’t trip, I walked to the kitchen and finally turned my back to them. I lowered my eyes to the counter and took a deep breath.  

But I could feel Damon’s stupid smirk and my sister finally looking at me.  

Okay Y/N, you can do this... 

5 things that you can see... 

One my hand, two my shirt, three the counter top, four the oven next to me, five the knife block. 

Knife block...  

God, I want to hurt him, but I would never be fast enough to get close to him, I wouldn’t get a scratch to his skin.  

“Damon! Don't be an ass!” Elena whisper yelled to the vampire.  

“Yeah, Damon don’t be an ass...,” I repeated and slowly turned around to see the couple standing in the living room too close to each other for my taste. I leaned on the counter and finally in a long time I looked Damon in  the eyes.  

“Don’t abuse your brother, or Caroline, or Elena. Don’t compel people to be in a relationship that they do not want to be in. Don’t kill your family members. Don’t kill innocent people just because you are sad. Don’t compel me to fuck people that I do not want to fuck...,”  

I pulled away from Damon’s icy eyes and turned to look at my sister who looked to be in shock from my words. I could see tears forming in her eyes but the empathy hadn’t sunk in yet. 

“But don’t be an ass, works too...,” I shrugged. 

I hadn’t known Damon as long as Elena had, but one thing that I had picked up on, was that Damon had to say the last word...always.  

“Oh, come on, we all know that you had a thing for them long before this thing, so don’t blame me for your inability to understand how relationships work.”  

My hold on the counter tightened and the need to throw anything towards Damon got stronger. Maybe my death would be worth it if I got to stab Damon Salvatore first.  

“Did you say that to Caroline too?” I asked, biting the inside of my lip until I tasted blood in my mouth.  

And somehow, Damon fucking Salvatore had the fucking nerves to roll his eyes!  

Deep breaths. 

I took a step to the side and silently pulled a knife out of the knife block and hid it behind my back.

“Hey, why don’t we all just calm down?” Whispered my sister, clearly wanting to break the tension in the room. Her hand slithered against Damon’s arm and I wanted to throw up. I held the air in my lungs, letting the burn take over my body. 

I took a few steps closer to them, closer to Damon than Elena and I let myself breathe the precious air again.  

If I was going to die today, with  the hands of Damon Salvatore, at least I could try to break the rose-colored glasses on my sister’s head. 

But I couldn’t look at her watery eyes. They reminded me of the time she had fallen and gotten a bruise on her knee. And I held her while she cried until dad came with a band-aid.  

“Did you want me to die?” I asked as softly as my rage could contain. 

Damon didn’t say a word but gently shook his arm out of my sister’s hold. He was a lot taller than me, but it didn't even bother me.  

“Did.you.want.me.to.die?” I asked again, this time voice louder and my tone clipped. 

“Or do you not want to tell the truth because Elena? Do you think she would forgive you after admitting that you wanted me to die?” 

That was the button... 

With a human speed his arm reached for my throat but somehow, I was quicker than him.  

The blade sank through his stomach and his hand stopped mid movement.  

I heard Elena gasping and Damon grunting while bending in pain.  

This wasn’t enough...  

I twisted the knife inside Damon feeling the blood trickling down my hand and dropping to the wooden floor. Mom had always talked about how important it was to keep hardwood floors clean.  

I heard my own name slipping between Elena’s lips but I didn’t turn to look at her. I don’t think I could ever look at her...  

Damon let out a painful sounding moan and I twisted the blade again.  

Slowly, painfully slowly for even my own taste I pulled the knife out of the vampire, letting it fall past my fingers and hitting the floor.  

I heard my name again but I paid no mind to it. Watching the blood on my hand was hypnotizing...  

Had Klaus felt like this when he hurt Damon last night? Had he felt this euphoric last night? 

“You little shit...” Damon mumbled while Elena tried to cover the bloody wound with her hands. I took a step away from the vampire and the doppelgänger and to my delight they allowed it.  

And slowly with steps quickening with every second I walked out of the front door slamming it and ending Elena’s yells. The sunny and warm sky was the most comforting thing in a long time. The warmth that I hadn’t felt even in my own bed with a teary face.  

I let the sun wash over my skin for a second before taking a quick look back to the house. And then down to my feet, which were only covered by socks...  

I couldn’t think... I couldn’t think of what I had just done. 

My legs were shaking due to the adrenaline taking over my body. I shoved my bloody hand to my pocket, just in case someone saw me. And I didn’t want to see the blood of Damon covering my hand and trickling to the asphalt. I’m not sure if I can ever watch my hand without the feeling of warm blood covering it.  

My head was banging in pain. Was it for the scene that I had just witnessed?  

I knew that he would be fine. Most likely he was healed before I took a step outside. But still, I had done it. What was I worth if I acted just like the people who I criticize? Sure, I wasn’t a murderer but that is not a very high standard to be reached.

The road was empty and I could feel the cold ground under me. Last night the ground had frozen, but I hadn’t paid attention to the fact that I had more important things to look after.   

This is better, not thinking about it. I need a distraction, I need one right now. 

Right fucking now... 

Maybe this was a good moment to look for those five things.  

I looked around the now darkening sky. The trees that were losing their leaves so fast.  

One the orange and red shade leaves.  

Two my feet are only covered in a pair of socks.

Three the blood on my sleeve.  

The blood, the fucking blood on my shirt. The blood covered arm that was shoved in my pocket. How have the people in this town killed so many people and seemed to have no remorse for it.  

--- 

I’m not sure when I decided my direction but it happened mostly without a conscious choice. But I knew I couldn’t go home not now. And Caroline and Bonnie would most likely judge me more than I could handle right now. How could I ever look at them after all this.  

And how would I even survive with the wrath that Damon could show me. He had killed people from a lot less than stabbing him.  

--- 

The house was the most comforting sight in a long time. I walked up the few stairs, legs shaking dangerously for my balance. I tucked my bloodied hand from my pocket. I took one deep breath before knocking on the door.  

My hand fell against my side, fuck I was tired. For a moment everything was silent, and for that small moment I forgot the blood and the sight of Damon’s face looking at me ready for a murder. And I could almost feel a smile pulling on the corner of my mouth.  

Klaus looked as amazing as always and I couldn’t stop the smile from blooming on my cheeks. 

The hybrid shared a smile with me before taking a good look at my form.  

My form without shoes and jacket, and my hand being covered with a layer of blood.  

I heard my name but I couldn’t find anything to say.  

“What happened, love?”  

My smile fell and I took a step closer to him.  

“Whose blood is that?” There was a weird panic in his voice but it made my heart only beat faster with something I could not name. I took one more step closer until we were chest to chest. I needed to be closer to him. I needed him, like a human needs air. Like a vampire needs blood.  

“I stabbed Damon Salvatore...” 

---

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