#i am very sick. i have work to do for my phd. one of my friends is incredibly sick on one side of the continent.

[transmechanicus]

Can this shit pretty please Not break me.

[wetcatspellcaster]

very kindly tagged by @cursedhaglette, thank you for giving me a chance to talk about my writing :)

1) How many works do you have on AO3?

11! :)

2) What’s your total AO3 word count?

lmfao. 985,659. That's nearly ten thesises (theses?) in the time of my PhD programme, so I'm going to just go quickly walk into the sea.

3) What fandoms do you write for?

the majority of my fic is for videogames with love interests and OC potential (BG3, Dragon Age) but I did briefly fall prey to the darklina disease, which I have to admit to here in order to answer some of the other questions

4) What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1- Pieces Still Stuck in Your Teeth (bg3)

2- Party Favours (bg3)

3- A Bleeding Heart (bg3)

4- The Stars Don't Shine, They Burn (shadow and bone)

5- An Honest Lie (bg3)

5) Do you respond to comments?

as best as I can, I typically clear out a previous chapter just before I post something new (so that's one way to monitor or predict my posting activity lmfao)

6) What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Lmao. Sunblindness (shadow and bone) which takes an 'eye for an eye' approach to an amnesia AU. I actually wanted to end on a major character death but my pal's response was "jesus Emma, this is something people read for fun" so I watered it down :')))))

7) What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Party Favours currently!! Happier endings incoming, IMO.

8) Do you get hate on fics?

yes, occasionally, I'm still in single digits thankfully. i always find it so funny bc nobody is more critical of my fic than me. you think you can hurt me? babygirl, we're in the 5th dimension of insults in my brain, your surface level comment barely touches the sides.

9) Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

nope! call me the Astarion!spawn ending, the way I fade-to-black :')))))

10) Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I crossovered Stardust and Shadow and Bone, but it was not a straight crossover it was more a chewed up, swallowed, and digested version of both premises. I similarly wrote a Wintersmith/Shadow and Bone crossover that I never posted bc the sickness left me.

11) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

lol. lmfao, even. :)))))

12) Have you ever had a fic translated?

I have had requests made of me and given permission for that to happen, but I do not know if it was ever posted!

13) Have you ever co-written a fic before?

no, it's not for me unfortunately, I was that horrible kid in group projects who just wished she could work alone :')))))))))))

14) What’s your all time favorite ship?

honestly there are many but the two that are indelibly written on my soul are Howl/Sophie and Spike/Buffy like the simple bitch I am.

In terms of things I've written? zevran/surana, hands down.

15) What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Anything I post I will eventually finish, out of social anxiety alone. At the moment I'm worried about the stuff sitting unposted in gdocs.

16) What are your writing strengths?

hahahahahahaha i don't fucking know i think i can make character voices distinct so you can usually tell which POV I'm writing from once the perspectives are established?

I have been complimented on my dialogue.

I think I'm usually brave enough to take a risky decision, even if it doesn't pay off. These decisions also land more than they used to so it's a skill I've built with time and one I am proud of.

My jokes don't seem to just be for me anymore, I like it when other people say I made them laugh.

17) What are your writing weaknesses?

If there's something that can be said straightforwardly in a sentence, you know I'll say it in three paragraphs instead. I wouldn't be surprised if people think I'm a purple-prosed motherfucker.

Smut and lack thereof

the repeat of 'conversation, stage direction, eye contact, expression, repeat' is not a weakness but it is something I become intermittently self conscious of.

18) Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I am a fan of it and I appreciate it when its done well (pour one out for Naomi Novik's fic/writing where the language work is cringingly poor), but not something I can personally do. Admirer in others, of the skills I lack.

19) First fandom you wrote for?

*dabs* Dragon Age, the OG. It was the pandemic, and I didn't want to replay Wicked Eyes Wicked Hearts bc I hate timed sections, so I wrote a fic instead.

20) Favorite fic you’ve written?

I feel bad writing this on the blog that's currently 99% BG3, but The Stars Don't Shine They Burn. It was my first time plotting something that diverged greatly from source material, and I was going through some stuff at the time that I can feel viscerally when I return to it and read the words. It is a work of personalised comfort. There's one scene in it that still gets me, every single time.

I don't know, it's funny to see Pieces get attention and I'm very, very proud of Pieces, but some of what I'm thinking through in that was in its proto-form in the other fic, which is finished and I'm really proud of it... so let's see if anything comes along to bop it off the top spot once I have a critical distance and am not in the writing trenches lol.

Tagging wise, I actually want to do an open call on this one!! this was a really pleasant exercise, so anyone seeing this who wants to talk about their writing or celebrate their achievements can take this as my personal invitation :)

scared? do it anyway x

[kloppinthekop]

15 Questions, 15 Friends

Tagged by @kraeki and @ollieflopkins, my tumblr partners in crime hehe

Are you named after anyone? Nope! My name just happens to be something my non-English speaking Chinese relatives can pronounce.

When was the last you cried? Last night I laughed so hard that I cried at a friend’s birthday party when we were playing a silly game. This was a vast improvement over the previous few weeks, when I was crying every day out of frustration over work/colleagues. 🫠

Do you have kids? No. My family’s bloodline dies with me! 😈

What sports do you play/have you played? I am so incredibly not athletic, even though I’m obsessed with watching football (and baseball when I was younger). I did ballet from the ages of about 5-10 years old but I never made it to pointe, which is somewhat of a regret in my life… but I’m very short so I would never have made it as a ballerina anyways. 🩰

Do you use sarcasm? Yes, and it is one of the only ways I stay sane and refrain from saying very brutally honest things at work that would possibly get me fired.

What is the first thing you notice about people? Honestly, I’m not really sure. I think it’s probably different for everyone, but probably hair and face? And if they have a cool/unique sense of style.

What is your eye color? Brown

Scary movies or happy endings? Both, but if I absolutely had to choose one, then happy endings. Especially LGBTQIA+ movies—I’m so sick of sad gay movies that leave you without any sense of hope. There was a time when I sought out the most heart-wrenching stories possible, but now I just want my faves to end up happy.

Any talents? I like to collect small talents/skills here and there when I go into various obsessive phases. Currently I am pretty proud that I can make little earrings and bracelets and such using some chainmaille techniques. I also used to be very good at the piano and violin (my parents have a shelf full of my trophies, and I even won a major scholarship prize when I was younger) but I don’t really touch those instruments now.

Where were you born? Boston! But I didn’t grow up there.

What are your hobbies? Watching movies, listening to music, chainmaille, occasionally cooking or baking, singing along to Kate Bush in the car, etc.

Do you have any pets? No, but I would like to adopt a cat or two!

How tall are you? 5 feet even

Favorite subject at school? English literature — so much so that I got a PhD in it 📚

Dream job? To have no job, lol… But okay, in an ideal world where capitalism does not exist, I’d love to have a job where I could curate playlists, book recommendations, photo and art exhibits, etc. — maybe in a bookshop that I’d own with my queer friends and there would be cats and pretty cocktails and lots of tea.

Tagging (no pressure, esp. if you’ve already done it and I’ve just somehow missed it!): @mebiselfandi @stormoflina @onherereading @lexqa @trenty @photmath @liverpool-enjoyer @jarellquansah @lfc-xnda @moomin279 @immortaltale @trentxaa @endowataru @shob-chop-lai @across-light-and-dark

[yana-marie]

Ok, I came up with some more or less concrete expectations and ideas for how the next years would ideally look like:

I do well in the political theory exam and will tutor the course next year. I take all my exams and for writing my thesis, I take a half year Erasmus+ in either Lille or Turin. After finishing my Bachelor‘s and the three/four extra certificates that I am doing within 2026, I apply for an Erasmus Mundus Master‘s in Dublin, Paris and Vienna. I’d only actually do this Master‘s if I receive scholarship. If not, I do a Master‘s in Berlin and apply for another Erasmus+. Afterwards (or maybe also at the same time) I apply for PhD in the U.S. and UK.

What is important for me is that until I move abroad, I work as much as possible next to uni and keep my expenses as low as possible. I just came up with this new rule, that the only money I am allowed to spend on coffee&food is the money I get in tips. So that the money in my bank account only goes to what is most necessary to survive with.

Language wise, I want to take as many Arabic courses as possible and want to pass Persian I and II. Depending on where I would live abroad, I want to do either Italian, that I can already understand and read somewhat, or French, that I have never started learning. Thinking about it, French would definitely be more useful.

Job wise, it will always be my goal and priority to work at uni, if I get the chance, I will do it. Other than that, I want to do all kinds of different things as side hustles. I love side quests and very unique jobs. Working as an administrative assistant of a theatre is not something that I ever though I’d do for example — but somehow I ended up with it. I like working in gastronomy for tips and sometimes, for the social aspect of it. But I never want it to be the only thing I am doing. I want to work for organisations or do an internship in EU institutions (ideally…). I also love doing seasonal work on farms, I was born a farm and horse girl and I will always stay one.

Lifestyle wise, I want to keep up living the concept of „share and care“, essentially as somewhat of an au-pair/maid and hope that I will find people that are up for that and trustworthy. I don’t need much space and I am not interested in owning many material things. I can also imagine living in somewhat of a commune (I have actually done that before and I loved it). Travelling will only ever happen with the help of couchsurfing. I am not a person for hotels or airbnb. There is also the possibility to travel taking part in exchanges organised through that pan-European organisation I am part of -- they get funded by the EU and are therefore incredibly affordable. Perhaps one day in my thirties I am sick of making certain compromises, but I think I have no claim to think like this yet.

Of course things might end up being different, but this is somewhat of a direction. What I am learning right now is that who I am is based on what I read, think, say and do and how I create opportunities for myself. And not about what I own and where I am.

I have witnessed different episodes of my best friends life: moving from Europe to the U.S., moving four times within two years in the U.S., applying to countless fellowships — change and adaptation just never ending. His life fits into two suitcases, but they don’t define who he is. He exists within himself and no matter where he lives and what he has, his approach to life and his habits are what makes him successful and grounded.

What is most important, is not to have unhealthy habits, to eat well, work out and read. To keep going and be honest with oneself. Learning to stick to all of this, be disciplined, hard working and optimistic is all that I can ever do. Forgiving myself and not giving up on myself.

It’d be funny to one day look back at this post and see how things turned out.

[neon-rhapsodies]

On not writing

A few weeks ago I wrote in my notes app: "Do you still want to write?" I then turned that note into a post, also in my notes app, that read: "What's the point of writing if nobody reads it?". I came back to that post the other day. I copied that question and pasted it into Google. A lot of stuff came up saying that, if you like writing, you should do it anyway. You should do it because you like it. You should do it for yourself. Basically, you should do it because it's worth it; you should do it because it has value to you. This is the tricky bit. I'm not sure my writing has any value to me anymore.

There's another post, in my other notes app, titled 'On writing'. In that post, I shared the story of how I'd always been good at writing, until I had an accident at university, and now I struggle with writing. The post was a much shorter version of another series of posts, again in that same notes app, in which I explained how I used to be good at writing as a child, then got gradually worse as a teenager, then struggled through university, then had my accident at university, and now I have trauma from that experience and feel sick whenever I try to write anything.

The truth is… none of this is true. At least, not entirely true.

I've always been good at writing, and I still am. I know I am, because I've been told by many people over time throughout my life. I was told by my teachers in primary and middle school. I won prizes and awards in secondary school. I scored several first class marks at university with my essays, and I even got a first class in my BA degree and a Merit in my Master's. When I was first looking to apply for a PhD, I once wrote a proposal over 10 hours of hyperfocus-induced writing, and my potential supervisor, who is now a professor, told me that it was great, and he wished he was as good as me at writing.

I should note that I am actually a very humble person in real life, and that that paragraph was one of the hardest things I've ever had to write in my entire life. But I had to! I had to write it down to make it real. Make it real to myself, as much as I keep saying that I struggle with writing, that there is a fair amount of evidence suggesting that, historically, when I've written something, it has usually been good, and I should keep that in mind.

As for the question of what's the point of writing if nobody reads it… that's more complicated. I have a blog. I've had a blog for many years. I've been asking myself that question for about as many years as I've had a blog . And yet, despite everything, I've kept writing. But behind everything I've ever written, there was a deep need to connect, to belong, to be part of something; to share a piece of my soul and see it reflected in that of others. All that stuff before university, I wrote it because I knew that it was going to be read. And that is a fact, because I have plenty of ideas for stories or posts or research that I never wrote about in my spare time, and that's likely because of that question. Because for me, writing, at least in prose, for some reason, has always been about being read. Not to prove my worth or anything. But to be seen, and to see myself being seen. And I don't know why that is, but I know it is, and that's the way it is.

When I started writing on this blog proper, I had just finished university and I was looking for a way to connect, to find my community, having just lost my fellow community of Classics students and aspiring researchers. I thought I would go through my ideas and start writing on them one by one, but it never happened. First, for a very true, very good reason -- I actually had trauma. I was actually unwell, feeling sick just at the thought of writing, and there was nothing I could do about it -- I had to stop. But also… no matter how hard I kept working on the form, the format, the way to put my writing into existence, I never quite managed to make it happen. All I could do was keep writing about the writing itself and all the circumstances surrounding it -- all the issues with academia, with Classics, the Classics community as a whole, etc. And as I look back at that list of topics I wanted to write about… now, I don't know what to think. They don't look so great to me anymore. I'm not sure.

This is why I started this post the way I did. Because, after I spent some time examining the question "what's the point of writing if nobody reads it?", I realised that the actual question was the original one, and that is, "do I still want to write?". Do I still want to write about this stuff? Do I still want to write about these topics that I do find fascinating in their own right, but I would never want to venture into, knowing that I would never have anyone to share them with?

Which takes me back to the other issue of me no longer being good at writing. The problem is not that my writing has gotten worse over time. The problem is that I've had fewer and fewer people to share it with. And granted, that can also mean that one's writing gets worse over time. But historically, for me, that has not been the case. Instead, what has changed? Simple! I am no longer a student. I work full time. I don't have time to write. I can't make time to write. And I don't have anyone to write for, so, I find it more difficult to get motivated. Because, at least in prose, I don't write for myself. I write for others.

I should definitely note that I know this is not right. I know that there is definitely something going on here, something to do with my self-esteem, my self-worth, and how it is tied to how others perceive me. I know it, and I get it. But also, the fact that I do know this does not make it any easier. And I'm not going to get over my perfectionism, anxiety or imposter syndrome about writing anytime soon. It does help that I understand it. But again, it doesn't solve the issue. It just tells me what works and what doesn't. And right now, this… this doesn't work. I can't write for myself. I can only write for others. At least in prose.

At least in prose, I keep saying, because verse, instead… it's a lot easier.

I've been writing poetry for years now. I have a lot of stuff in my notes apps. Some stuff I even put out online when Poetizer was a thing. Now I'm thinking of posting it on a sideblog on Tumblr. Otherwise, my main craft would be songwriting. I have written a few songs in the past, with some success, and ideally I would like to go back to writing songs on the main. That includes recording and performing them live. In theory, I see myself as a musician, with a dash of poetry on the side, and a few stories written here and there. But at the moment, I am doing nothing. Literally nothing. This is because I've had a few issues in my life, and the issue with writing has taken over everything else, poisoning any other form of creativity -- because how could I possibly find it easier to write songs or poems, when 'serious' writing had always come so natural to me?

I suppose it has something to do with feeling alive. Poetry, music… they make me feel alive. Writing, however… when I think about how the word itself makes me feel, I see so much death. Death of the self. Death of my worth. Death of… well, actual death. Near-death experience. Yeah. I've had that. And it was because of writing. It was because of the pressure that that 'serious' thing that writing is can put on you. Granted, it was me who did it. I put the pressure on myself. But it was all about the writing. And I don't want that anymore.

When I try to visualise that kind of writing, the one that once got me down so bad, I see the faces of all the people who had such high expectations of me, and whose trust I betrayed… whom I let down. Again, all in my mind. Remember when I said that I've always written for someone? I also meant them. Not just the readers in front of the page, but all the people behind it -- my family, my friends, my lecturers. A huge crowd of people looking in, checking in, making sure I'm doing alright. Ah, the pressure! Unbearable. But with music or poetry, I've never felt that. I have had my poetry read in public. I've played my music in front of live audiences without skipping a beat. I've had people come to me and be so surprised, asking me where that came from, telling me that on stage I'm a different person. I've always loved that feeling. But then, I also like it when there's no audience. When I write a poem that I like, or record a song that makes me feel alive. I love it! But with writing, I haven't felt like that. Not in years. And I think I can see why. Music and poetry have always had value to me, even without an audience. But not writing. To me, writing has always been about the others.

So now, when I look at my ideas for topics I would have liked to write about, I just don't see the value in them. I mean, they're not that bad but… they're not quite as worth writing about as I would like. They're not as academic as I'd like, and there's no academia to make them worth my while. Again, I keep thinking: if no one reads it, what's the point? I'm not happy with the topics, I'm not happy with the medium. And most importantly, there's no community for me to write for. That's why I had worked so hard on that project of mine to create an online Classics community, a "forum-like space", where people like myself could share their ideas and writing and seek feedback from others. But that went the way it went. As did all my previous and subsequent experiments on genre and style.

I've now gone through my list of ideas and sorted them out. I think if I touch them again, it will be for a PhD.

Yes, I have been thinking about doing a PhD. Not now, of course. But at some point, in the future. Because now that I've established that the trauma from my university experience, whilst very debilitating, is not the main reason why I've been struggling with writing, something in my brain has unlocked. Now that I know the real cause of my problem, I can see also what the solution would be. Need an audience to write? Make one. Do a PhD. Pick an interesting topic. Really, I'd write about any topic. But let's choose at least something that tickles my interest. Then, get a supervisor. Maybe two. Get a community of aspiring and established researchers. And then see what happens.

Going through my posts again on this blog, I was struck by something I had written about my prior project of the online Classics community. That perhaps it would help if I saw my project as a job to get done, some great mighty endeavour, rather than the passion thingy I had been cultivating on the side. That's why, thinking about it recently, a PhD sounded more appealing. Because at least it would give me a reason to write -- not for myself, but for others, for the research community, for the greater purpose of contributing to the knowledge of all humankind. Again, I'm not fussy about the topic. Because to me, it matters not the what, but the how.

In another post not long ago, I joked: "Video essay this, video essay that. But what about a video PhD?". Obviously, the times are not ripe for that. Not yet, at least. But I have noticed that saying and recording things out loud is highly beneficial for me, and I would like to incorporate it into any writing practice I would do for a PhD. And whatever institution or supervisor I end up doing it with, it will be very important for them to understand that I want to do this on my terms. First of all, remotely. Part time, obviously. And crucially, using whatever methodologies I see fit. With lots of contact, and stream of consciousness writing, and flexible targets to help me stay on top of things. I'm sure there's more for me to explore and find out, but this, this is fundamental. I refuse to follow a stifling tradition that revels in elitism and dogmatism and all other useless -isms. I am looking to embrace creative and intellectual exploration, collaboration, and appreciation.

I would be lying if I didn't admit that, for once, I want to do this not just for others, but also for myself. I want to prove to myself that I can do this, and that I can do it the way I want. And I want to prove to others too that it can be done in this or any other way. Because yes, I want to do this for myself, but also because of my main goal: to help make Classics more accessible. Because if a PhD can be done in whatever way one wishes, surely there's no limit to whatever other ways our interactions in the world of Classics could be like, whether personal or formal, in public or among academics. I dream of a world where these things do not exist in extremes or even opposites, but rather as a seamless experience, where inreach and outreach fuse to become a single and different kind of reach -- reaching deep inside our own humanity and out to our fellow human beings. A dream a being can dream… a dream of being. Not just seeming, or existing. But living.

A PhD to me is simply a step in the right direction. Accepting to play the game, but only in order to change it, and for the better. Rejecting the rules, ready to make my own, and wishing for others to do the same. In the hope that one day, we won't be just a few, but many. Not a cohort. But a community.

That is worth writing for.

So, for now, that is it. I won't be blogging regularly anymore. I won't be writing long posts. Not even personal ones. Instead, I will dedicate myself to poetry and songwriting, at least until the time comes for me to do a PhD. I might still return to long-form writing if I feel like it. But right now, I don't. And to me, that is the rightful conclusion to a chapter of my life that I have let define and speak for me for too long. It is only but natural for one's relationship with writing to evolve over time. It is time that I let myself leave these pastures to seek new ones. To set myself on a journey of self-development… for a new, transformed relationship with writing. But even if it will be different, it will still be writing. To quote the header of my main blog: "We are writing… We are writing… We are writing…".

[kxowledge]

I thought I’d be more anxious about the whole PhD applications process. I am not. I am actually very much fine with the prospect of not getting in. Partially, it’s because I have only applied here, which means that, if rejected, I still can apply to many other places & equally that I haven’t gotten a string of rejections, which perhaps would have tugged at my self-esteem. Partially though, it’s because I’m fine with the idea of not doing a PhD.

It's not because I don’t want to do one – I think this sort of career would suit me very well! – but at the end of the day, it’s a job like any other. I’ve always known that I could have gone for something else and be okay, but now this doesn’t feel like a second choice imposed upon me. If academia isn’t for me, I can perhaps think of doing something else that’s completely different – something that could help with the lack of meaning I feel at the moment. I don’t have clear plans, I’ll decide when it comes to it, but there’s many opportunities I’d consider. There’s three-four I keep circling back to, around agroecology, teaching, and more directly helping others. I would still apply next year (and possibly another cycle as well) before giving up, but I wouldn’t be too upset if it doesn’t work out.

I have the second and final interview next week. And I’m very calm about it. Confident in my abilities and confident that I’ll be happy no matter what awaits me in the future.

I did a tarot reading two days before my first interview. Three cards popped out. The Tower – representing a surprising change – is very fitting. It’s an invitation to embrace it and look at it in a positive light, which I think is the attitude I have going forwards, no matter what this change will entail. Looking at the card, I also thought of “bad” habits I’m trying to get rid of. It also indicates a revelation, and I must say, I am going through a period of realization, understanding more and more what’s important to me: human connection. This means love and helping others and so much more. The Eigth of Cups signals a similar direction: the seeking of a deeper meaning, focusing on my personal truth and concentrating on what is important. It also speaks about growing weary and lacking energy, which is very much the condition I find myself in. Not emotionally, but physically. Allow me a small parenthesis about this.

It has been almost a year since I started feeling this way. ["This way" being fatigued, often with a low-grade fever, stomach pain, exhaustion after very little activity, frequent headaches, little appetite, nausea]. I thought what I was experiencing was burnout. August is when things got worse – surely triggered by the bacterial infection I got in India. I thought I had started making progress towards the end of 2023, but then I got Covid (again) and it all went downhill. It is entirely possible that this is long Covid. It could be something else. It could be nothing.  I haven’t seen a doctor about this. I mentioned it in my last visit and it got dismissed. I will go in the next few weeks for another visit, as I promised my dear ones. I don’t have much faith however in the doctors’ ability to do something. Especially if it is long Covid, there really aren’t recommendations and treatments in place (though research is underway).

I haven’t been fully transparent with my family about the extent of how fatigued and sick I am, though they know I’m not in top shape. My boyfriend on the other hand is similarly worried (but hasn’t gone down the spiral of googling what specific types of illness it can be). I am too. It feels like something serious. And it’s so much pain that the other day I actually thought that I don’t think it would be worth living like this. I hadn’t had this sort of thoughts for a long time. I’ve been trying to manage my energy more and I might share bits of this journey here, as perhaps they might be helpful for someone else too.

Finally, the Emperor. Structure, which is what I need for growth. An order and sound principles. The way forward.

[potato-jem]

hello nero my beloved soulmate!! <33

i’m back and i am already suffering from severe PHD (post holiday depression, i decided it is a thing). my friend left last night and i hate this. it’s so unfair that we live in two different countries and we can’t see each other as much as we would like to. i’ll probably see her soon, i should have another week off in august and we were talking about me visiting her this time so hopefully i’ll be able to go.

anyway, on to the trip!! it was so cool!! i mean the first week we stayed in tuscany, we went around florence and a few other cities around here, and we got tattoos!!! i told you about this already but they are so cute!!! our little irish dinosaurs (they’re irish because we met in ireland <3 they’re named saoirse and niamh).

then for the second week we went to rome!! oh it was so nice!! we found the perfect weather. it was always sunny and warm enough to go around in shorts, but never too hot not to be able to explore. we went for the usual places: the colosseum, the pantheon, the squares and fountains, all that. but also we accidentally found ourselves into the roman forums and they were amazing!! i’d never been in them, only seen them from above, but they are so big, you can see a whole city. but the highlight was ostia antica. it was this archeological site near rome and it’s so quiet because not may people know it. it’s an 84 acres site where you can literally walk into houses and shops and temples and theaters from the roman period. and it’s amazing because usually rome is very protected, like there are fences and barriers everywhere, you can’t get too close to a lot of stuff, but in ostia antica we could literally touch the ruins, walk through them and find our way back in a maze of doors and corridors. it was so cool!!! also that’s where i found the cats!! they were so cute and friendly 🥺

last thing before i close this letter. the food!!! oh the food. we found this little restaurant on the very first night, which was actually so close to the trevi fountain, and it was so cheap and good (very rare combination to find in the middle of rome). they had some of the best spaghetti i’ve ever tried. also we kept going back there in the next days so they recognized us and they were so nice because they offered us appetizers and wine and they always remembered that we liked to order three plates of pasta to share between the two of us. they were so nice!!

i really needed this trip. i needed to be off work for a few weeks and just disconnect from all the drama and stress. and the good food and wine helped a lot with that lol. but seriously i’m so happy, it was an amazing trip and it was so good to see my friend again after so long <3

but enough about me now!! how are you doing nero?? what have you been doing these last two weeks??

also, about our last letter, i am very happy that you are following my orders and planning a very relaxing trip :) you deserve to not even think about uni when you’re on a trip. and it’s gonna be so fun to dance to that kind of music!! can’t wait to hear all about that one!!

and i’m very happy you’re obsessed with me getting tattoos because this is turning into a sickness. i can’t stop now :’)

but here are my other two tatts!!! the little rainbow one is very simple but very personal. i’ve been waiting forever to get it and it looks perfect 🥺 (yayyy you can start booking stuff!!! that means tattoos coming soon!!!)

i’m enclosing a hug and a really big plate of cacio e pepe (a kind of spaghetti with cheese and black pepper) just because one can never have too much pasta <3333

hi cece my beloved soulmate!!!!

i believe phd (post holiday depression) is a thing, i get it every time. it’s sad that your friend has gone home, but think about august!!! that should be so fun!!!

i’ve seen pictures of tuscany and it’s so beautiful!! and yes tattoos!! the fact that they are irish dinosaurs named saoirse and niamh because you met in ireland is the cutest story behind a matching tattoo ever 🥺🥺

oh rome!!!! that weather sounds lovely, i’m glad it was around for the entire trip!! sounds like you got up to quite a lot!! i’m literally imagining you walking around and pointing out these little tourist attractions 🥺 but ostia antica sounds so beautiful. a whole 84 acres to explore and experience the ancient roman life?? i would go crazy in there, especially with all the cats!!

oh the food sounds incredible!!! it’s so amazing you found something good and cheap!!! but those people sound so nice 🥹🥹 i’m glad they also added to such a wonderful break you had! i feel like pasta now…

you definitely needed that trip!! just a refresh is sometimes all you need, and good food and wine are recommended to help relax by doctors actually 😌😌😌 but i’m so happy you got to see your friend after so long and i’m so glad that you enjoyed yourself!!!!

i’ve been doing alright!! i had my trip to sydney and my twice concert, and it was so much more fun than i thought it would be!!! so i took my best friend and a family friend of mine, and my manager from work came too, but we all booked our concert tickets together so it was me and my friends, my manager and her brother and his partner. (don’t even ask me how stressful buying six tickets was)

the japanese place opened up again, and we were staying somewhere even closer to it. we basically walked everywhere, because the train station is in the shopping centre next to the japanese place, and that was only ten minutes away. so i took my friends to eat more ramen than we could see and we shared a bottle of soju (my friends are lightweights and it was VERY funny to watch. i had to finish the bottle off though)

and then we did lots of activities on the tuesday before the concert and we went to that album shop and book shop again and i spent way too much money, cece’s orders 😌😌 i spent so much money in the album shop they gave me a free album and preorder benefit photocards (which are really rare!!) and i had to show my id in the book store because i bought a level one restricted novel (actually banned in my state, but my professors made me too curious), which was quite funny

the twice concert was so fun, literally everyone in the audience were dancing and singing, and i was gay panicking and it was wonderful! each of the members of twice also had a solo performance and they did so well! one of them, momo, had this dance where she HAD A POLE?!?!? AND SHE HAD NEVER POLE DANCED BEFORE?? she was so good, i will save your eardrums by not sending the video i took 😌

anyways, here’s the photo they posted at the end!! we are in the centre and slightly to the right <3 (i’m sure you’ll see me 😂😂)

and then we actually got the chance to go to the harbour bridge and the opera house, which are in the same place, so we didn’t waste too much time there! and then we went to this room of claw machines near the eateries and i managed to win two things!! (one of them i spent way too much money to grab out, but he looked so lonely and i had to get my son out 😭😭) and then we had gelato mochi, which my friend found. so they get a scoop of ice cream and wrap it with mochi! we all got two, because none of us can make a decision and it really was a good end to the trip 🥺

other than that, i am running a little behind on uni, but i decided to use some of my leave and take the week off work. i’m just going to smash out the essays i have due (and overdue) and i’ll probably be able to rest better during the big exam session 😌

i’ve been looking forward to seeing these two and you didn’t disappoint! the rainbow one is adorable and the font for the script on your ribs is beautiful!!! i think i might be addicted to your tattoo addiction 😂 (yay!!! i’m so excited!!)

i really wanted this cacio e pepe, all this talking of food made me hungry! i’m squeezing you back real tight and i’m giving you a bowl of ramen <3333333

[super-ion]

Ion & Emily

Honeymoon - part 3

(I can't find the link to part 2, so here's the AO3 link)

With a last furtive glance down the street, I knock on the door. It's a plain little townhouse on a plain little street, very easy to miss.

Actually, it actively tries to be very easy to miss. The only reason my attention doesn't slip right off is because I've been invited here before.

It sounds like magic, and honestly… I'm pretty sure it is… I mean there is super tech that can do that too, like variable perception fields or whatever. I honestly don't know how all that works. I could ask Sarah to explain it, but she's currently suffering a concussion.

Speaking of…

"No…" she hisses into my ear with a slur. "He's going to violate causality at us!"

I suppose I should clarify that she could explain variable perception fields. Magic straight up freaks her out. She's got like three PhDs, advanced physics and stuff. Nothing about Dr. Hands' powers make sense to her.

Before I need to knock again, the door opens and there's Hands, wearing nothing but a fluffy pink bathrobe and a pair of slippers. He's just like this portly guy, gray and balding. He could totally be someone's weird uncle or something.

The fact is he's almost literally older than dirt. Like, I'm pretty sure he was like a mischief deity in Mesopotamia or something. These days, he's a low stakes supervillain and the DM for our ttrpg group.

"Ah!" he says with delight. "Jennifer! I was hoping you and your…"

He pauses and takes in Sarah and me.

"This is not your beautiful wife," he declares.

"Hi Hands!" Sarah says with a weak wave. "I'm rescuing Jen!"

Dr Hands raises a bemused eyebrow.

"It's a long story," I interject. "Can we come in? We need a place to crash and she needs medical attention."

"Ah, well," he says with a welcoming grin. "I'll have you remember that I am a doctor."

"I thought you taught anthropology."

"Hm? Oh, yes. Well… I did serve as a field medic under Wellington during the Peninsular campaign. I do remember a thing or two about it."

Yeah, the great thing about villains is sometimes they just casually drop the fact that they served in the Napoleonic wars and you just gotta roll with it.

He gestures us in and lends a hand getting Sarah settled on a sofa in the sitting room.

Like, literally lends his hands. That's what he does, he conjures disembodied hands. It's one of the creepiest things I've ever seen, and that's saying something for my line of work.

"Will your bride be joining us?" he asks as he gets Sarah settled.

"Uh, yeah," I reply. "She's just cleaning up some… stuff. Listen, can I borrow your shower? I'm kind of gritty from being kidnapped."

He nods enthusiastically, and motions down a very long hallway. Did I mention that the interior of the house is impossibly spacious?

"Seventh door on the right," he says. "I'll keep the light on for her, don't worry."

"Thanks Hands! You're the best!"

He offers a genial bow and I make my way in the direction of the indicated room.

The adrenaline is wearing off and I'm exhausted. I'm worried sick about Emily, but I have no idea how long I'll be able to keep my eyes open. I tentatively reach out with my powers and am rewarded with a spike of pain in my head. That lightning bolt really did a number on me…

Yeah, I'm no good to anybody like this.

Emily can handle this.

She's fine. Totally fine. She used to do this all the time.

I'm worried sick.

I open the designated door and… holy shit.

It's like a whole honeymoon suite, giant bed, satin sheets, so many candles everywhere. Huge glass doors overlook majestic mountains and a lake that glitters in the moonlight.

Yeah, I know, the front door was in Paris and this room is in… the Alps? The Pyrenees?

Magic, remember?

Anyway, the shower is amazing. It's one of those lavishly big walk in things. Absolutely perfect temperature and pressure.

Of course, when I get out, there's a satin night dress and robe waiting for me.

Okay, that sounds creepy. I swear Dr Hands doesn't have a creepy bone in his body… or… well, not like that, at least. He's good people, trust me.

It fits perfectly, accenting my assets and downplaying the dysphoric bits. It's perfect and I finally let my guard down. Ion goes away and Jen takes over.

Jen is worried for her wife - desperately, achingly.

I pace the bedroom a few times, get tired, sit down and fidget for a few moments. Maybe I should just put my head down, rest my eyes for a little bit…

***

"Hey," someone murmurs softly in my ear.

I blink awake and there's the most beautiful woman in the world. Her hair is mussed and sweaty and the costume has a few scorch marks, but otherwise, she's perfectly unharmed.

I throw my arms around her and pull her into a desperate exhausted kiss. She relaxes into me in relief.

I try to drag her closer, but she grunts in protest.

"Babe," she gasps as she breaks the kiss. "I want nothing more than to fall asleep in your arms right now, but I very badly need to change my clothes."

I reluctantly let her go and she draws back, but her eyes linger on the gown.

"That's really fucking hot on you," she says.

There's a flutter in my chest and my face heats.

This woman is my wife. I'm somebody's wife.

God, I love her.

"How about you?" I ask. "You look fantastic."

She cocks a whistful grin and turns to show off her ass.

"Don't get used to it," she says. "Special occasions only… and don't you dare make a habit of getting kidnapped."

I smirk at that.

"Okay," she says reluctantly. "I gotta hand it to Sarah, she did a good job… don't tell her I said that, I'd never hear the end of it."

"Ah…" I say. "Yeah, about Sarah…"

A flicker of concern flashes across her face.

"Is she…?"

"She's fine… probably. She's in good hands."

I pause for a moment. She closes her eyes and lets out an exasperated sigh at the pun.

"Soooo… she uh… tried to kiss me," I admit.

Emily raises her eyebrows at that.

"She also told me breaking up with you was the biggest mistake of her life," I continue. "Or maybe breaking up with John and Dale was the biggest. She wasn't really super clear on how it stacked up."

Yeah, I'm rambling a little bit.

Emily sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose.

"I wasn't going to tell you," she said, "but she drunk texted me two weeks ago."

She takes me by the shoulders and fixes me with a desperate look.

"Jen. We need to get them back together."

I nod.

No idea how that's going to work given that they're archenemies… and Dale… I'm not super clear on how he fits into their super dynamic.

One thought has been nagging me though since the almost kiss. I chew on my lip and debate saying it.

"Okay, but consider… if we wanted to, you know Sarah would be totally down to… you know…"

"Excuse me?" she deadpans.

I raise my hands disarmingly and make a tiny laugh.

"Kidding! I'm kidding!" I say. "Mostly kidding…"

"Oh my god, you're a menace," she says and drags me into another kiss. "Listen, if you want to scratch that itch, go right ahead. I'm cool with it, but count me out. I do not want to have a threesome with my ex. Who, by the way, if you recall, is your brother's ex and also my brother's ex."

"Okay, fair point," I reply. "So how do we get them back tog-"

"No," she says, placing a finger to my lips. "That's a tomorrow problem. Right now, I am taking a shower and you are going to join me. Then we're going to bed."

A grin spreads across my face and I'm suddenly a lot less tired.

[slowtides]

On my birthday, I had lunch with my step mom (my mom’s wife) and talked to her about the possibility of coming out to my dad. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time because I’m trying to decide about PhD programs, and the idea of going to a program close to my dad is a commitment of at least four years with him over my shoulder.

At lunch, I tried to explain how I feel. How I’m not really interested in sex so much as I am interested in intimacy and tenderness; how I have yet to meet anyone who is more important to me than my solitude; how I’ve known I liked women more than men since high school but didn’t really let myself know until after university; but how the idea of sharing space with someone and touching them all the time is just very disarming at this point. Is there a word for that? The closest I’ve found is I rest in the plane that’s created when I’ve connected the dots between asexual, bisexual, and an intermittent desire for shared space. Is this plane even worth coming out of?

I told her how it felt to be hyper aware of being around my dad when anything other than heterosexuality came up in a movie or song or conversation. It’s this dread that follows every word, waiting for him to blow up and shout at me like he did when I was a child.

I asked what it was like coming out to her parents, how there was rejection and anger and loneliness. How her dad died before there was true acceptance (they had turned a good corner). She told me that my mom felt one of the best moments they had was when her dad had two cookies and he gave one to my moms to share and kept the other for him and his wife. My mom felt like he was making their relationships equivalent by sharing a cookie for them to split. Because the institution of marriage is about splitting cookies in half on the bus. I felt sick listening to this. Crumbs.

She asked what I was afraid of when telling my dad, and I started to cry before I could answer. But the things I’m afraid of are as follows. I’m afraid that my dad will blame my mom for me not being the perfect straight daughter. I’m afraid he will be ugly to my mom and say I wouldn’t be this way if I hadn’t been raised by her. I’m afraid that in his anger, he will say something unforgivable. I’m also afraid of losing my only living parent. My mom is dead and I know she loved me for me, and she would have loved anyone I brought home. And I don’t really have that anymore. I don’t know if my dad will love anyone I bring home. I don’t think he will. I’m afraid that I’ll get hit by the “I love you but I don’t agree with your life choices” talk because I don’t think I can carry that. I’m afraid of him yelling. I’m afraid of not having my dad anymore. I’m afraid of him not loving me enough, but realizing he’s the only parent I have left.

I’ve been working on sharing essays on my Audre Lorde side blog, and the essay I read yesterday was “The Transformation of Silence into Language and Action.” In that essay, she basically asks her audience to consider how we can learn to speak when we are afraid, because we already do everything else when we are afraid. And I’ve read this essay so many times but it still moves me to tears. I have to think about this some more.

[studymustelid]

February 21st, 2024 at 12:07 p.m.

Hello all! I have been so busy! So so busy! I started working as a TA finally. The class is online this semester which made me think it would be chill. It is not! The professor didn't respond to any of my emails initially and after asking when I'd want to meet, he somehow missed my immediate follow-up :/. I wanted to ask him to be my practicum advisor because I enjoyed his class but after that I'm not really feeling it anymore. I do have another professor I really enjoy this semester, and I'm thinking of asking him instead.

The backlog is crazy, I'm really trying but there are so many dashboards. I also fell sick over the weekend which isn't helping. I'm gonna try and knock out as many as I can but man,,,,man.

In other news, I am a part of a little competition. I signed up and forgot about it and I regret it slightly because now I'm doing more work on top of my current work which sucks. On the bright side it'll be over in the next couple of weeks, and I may get a couple hundred dollars if my team wins! It's mostly medical students and PhD students, so I do feel a bit outclassed only being in my masters rn, but we're still having a good time, and they appreciate my ideas and design skills.

I had a little moment where I deleted all my (temporarily deletable) social media. I got overwhelmed and needed a little break lol. I later found out my younger sibling had the exact same thing happen despite being at a college a few hours away and not talking for a while. We're twinning!

Overall this month has been a rather messy one and I kind of blipped out and got very overwhelmed. I'm maintaining good grades in my classes which is nice. Hopefully I'll be more active in the future, but man. Man!!

[catboybiologist]

any tips on dealing with the fear of not getting into the biology grad-program you want bc it has very limited spots ?

This isn't the advice you want to hear. But... you're probably not going to get into the exact graduate program you want.

I applied to 12 schools for my PhD. I had a top choice for a graduate program that felt perfect. I already had my master's, putting me above applicants coming straight out of their bachelor's (For people in Europe, Oceania, and elsewhere- US PhDs are 5-7 years, but don't require any other postgrad education[although it helps for applications][also the rest of North and South America, as well as East Asia, also work like this]). I had already worked with a professor at this institution, and therefore my previous research had a lot of great connections with research at that institution. I had a strong mix of experience in the wet lab, computational work, and as support staff working with a tech. The university was in a location I loved, I had a friend who went there and we talked about how cool it would be if we both ended up there, and the coursework and educational focus was exactly what I wanted out of my career.

I didn't get in. Out of the 12 programs I applied to, I got into 2. 10 rejections was a blow to my ego, ngl, and for that and various other reasons, I felt miserable during that rejection season. I had staked a lot of my future visions for my plans on this one graduate program, so it was a nasty ego hit.

The blunt reality is that this will likely happen to you. And that’s okay. It means nothing about how qualified you are. The problem with graduate school is that it's not like undergrad. They're not just agreeing to educate you- they're *hiring* you to be a research associate. As such, they're not looking at how "good" of an applicant you are as an absolute scale. They're going to look at the particular mix of experience you have, and determine whether it's something they need for their program at that time, as well as the mix of experiences represented amongst all applicants.

For example, two of the things I had going for me were bioinformatics experience and animal research experience. Turns out that my dream program already had a lot of bioinformaticists there, and didn't have a strong emphasis on animal research, so they didn't need my particular skills at that time.

There's a mantra you'll hear so much in grad application times that you'll get sick of it, but it's unfortunately true: they're not looking at how "good" of applicant you are, they're looking for if you're the right fit.

The way to deal with this is realize that you probably won't get into *that one program*, but you *will* probably get into several others. And guess what? All of those will have amazing opportunities and educational environments for you. It might not be exactly what you pictured for yourself, but you will make it work. And above all else, don't let the rejections affect your sense of self worth.

I know because I'm extremely happy where I am now. The program I got into and went to has been phenomenal, and they actually kind of knew what was up with accepting me- my skills fill a particular void in one of the labs I said I was interested in. So I've been useful, productive, and happy here, doing interesting research.

[inkofamethyst]

August 14, 2023

Went to Target, noticed that many of the decorations on sale were deep greens and pale purples, realized that maybe I'm not quite as original with my ideal room colors as I'd anticipated. What is life but a series of events in which I realize that I'm not as special as I thought I was (I am being dramatic and hyperbolic but still).

Took out my mini twists (finally); in loveeee with the ultra-defined fro. Game-changing style for sure, but I can't wait this long in the future to take them out bc the twists were majorly raggedy.

In this day and age, and into the future, I can imagine personal branding becoming more and more important in landing academic jobs. And by that I specifically mean having some sort of online presence that connects who you are to what you do. That one old friend of mine, probably the person I've known the longest outside my family even if we really don't ever speak, she is very successfully building an online brand doing just that, and it's pretty incredible to watch, actually.

Speaking of branding, I'm trying to come up with pseudonyms to change my name to. Mostly to minimize the effect of this blog on any personal branding I may decide to do (I recognize that the internet is forever and that the damage is therefore already done, but no one needs to know that I have a deeply and perhaps inappropriately personal tumblr whatsoever). Genuinely, I'm the kind of person to grow unreasonably attached to the first thing I come up with (floralfountainpens), but I want to spend some time considering several options. I give myself a month max to think on it.

Oh also I'm normally a matte lipstick girlie but my mom convinced me to try the maybelline lifter gloss and I think I actually kind of like it?? It's really buttery, non-sticky, and, best of all, works well with my skin tone even though it looks crazy pink. I've been a little inspired by Barbie, I guess. I dig it.

I'm watching phd vlogs on youtube (because of course I am), and this small vlogger I'm watching right now talked about how she was a commenter on some papers at a conference for the first time. As she was describing this role (and I've seen this done once or twice I think at the national conference I went to the past two years), I was horrified at first by how daunting the task seemed. I really struggle with trying to sound appropriately intelligent (...to prove that I am capable of being in a situation and not raise anyone's doubts which I now recognize is not a particularly healthy attitude), so coming up with meaningful commentary/critique, especially if on the spot, sounds horrific. Then, I realized how similar it is to something I did in my last two years of undergrad. For the last two years, I was a moderator for what is essentially a conference for my humanities program, and I had to perform a fairly similar task: asking insightful and coherent questions to panelist presenters whose work I was seeing for the first time. I actually received compliments on my moderation. So I'm not as fully unprepared for that kind of thing as I might think. Which is a little cool. [edit: I think one of the biggest takeaways from my experiences as a moderator is that coherent and simple but interesting questions are better than rambly and intelligent-sounding questions. Of course, I'd like to go to more talks and symposia in grad school to really dissect this kind of role so that I may be prepared for it, just in case.]

And you know while I'm far from being a crypto bro, I'm starting to like,,,, lowkey get into investing???? In the simplest ways possible, really, with a Roth IRA and a CD (and medium-yield savings account I guess), but the idea of getting started early, making regular contributions, and then possibly not having to worry about retirement (assuming we survive as a species long enough for me to get there) is kinda sick ngl. Most of my money isn't really liquid, I guess, which is a little nerve-wracking, but The Market generally seems to be headed upward, so I'm not pressed in the slightest right now. The FDIC can't hold my hand forever if I wanna see real gains. At least, that's how rich wealthy people see it.

Last thing: I liked Barbie for its obnoxious femininity. The first two-thirds or so felt like a release. It was silly, it was goofy, it made me smile. The last quarter or third or so in its seriousness did have a real message which I could relate to on some level, but it felt fairly didactic, especially the whole monologue on what it was like to be a woman or whatever. Like yeah, the message was there, but I felt like the movie beat me over the head with that bit out of fear that the audience wouldn't get it maybe? I think They Cloned Tyrone did a better job at having a clear overtone message without being as in-your-face with it (or maybe they just balanced the message with the plot a bit better idk). There are certainly other criticisms of Barbie that I've encountered, and while they have merit, I feel like I can just accept this movie as its own new thing. [edit: To add, a """seminal work""" [edit 2: isn't it peculiar, calling a movie like this "seminal" ... what about ungendered terms for the same thing... alternatives include influential, groundbreaking, formative, innovative. I like the term, generally, but I sort of wish there was a feminine equivalent.] doesn't need to be flawless, in my opinion. It merely needs to exist and set in motion some sort of change in thought as a result of its reception (whether that change is how the audience approaches media or how creators approach media or something else entirely). I think Lost is another example of an imperfect work that changed media and still deserves recognition despite its shortcomings. Time will tell whether Barbie is the start of some wave or if it merely remains a one-of-a-kind event.]

TODAY IM THANKFUL FOR THE STAR TREK STRANGE NEW WORLDS MUSICAL EPISODE???? Never in my life did I think that this serious sci-fi franchise would be able to pull such a thing off, but that error's on me because this franchise switches between silly and serious at the drop of a hat. Like,,,,, "Apologies, the most confounding thing: I appear to be singing; most unusual, so peculiar" LITERALLY CRYING AAAAAAAA THE WHOOOOooOOoOoOOooOLE THING (vocals, orchestration(!!!!!), plot, ensemble, choreo, technobabble) WAS SO STINKING FUN

((in two weeks im flying away.))

[edit: this post was all over the place (even more than usual) because it's more of a collection of thoughts from the past several days rather than a single entry written all at once]

[ruegracieuse]

hello! a quick note to say I'm back from an impromptu months-long tumblr break (although my queue has been running the whole time, worryingly). here are all the things that came together in the last two months that beckoned this absence:

T and I got married, a little hurriedly (married for love reasons, hurriedly for visa reasons)

we moved back home (to the other side of the world) for a few months

I began the process of contacting and talking with PhD supervisors, fine-tuning my proposal, researching potential case studies, and so on

a death and a funeral interstate

I was offered and accepted a new research job, to start in the coming weeks

All this while working in between, catching up with family and friends in our home country, and the other predictable-unpredictable shifting sands of life. I kind of needed a break from scrolling, but tumblr is also the only social media I interact with at all so I was always going to come back. And tonight I simply got sick of checking the news every hour so here I am <3

I have been thinking quite a bit about ways to bring writing that isn't related to work or school into my life more consistently. I want to share my writing but still be (or just feel) anonymous. I thought about substack since everyone seems to be thinking about substack but I don't want to charge people, and I don't have the self esteem to have a newsletter that is emailed straight to people.

So I was thinking I would blow the dust off my old writing blog and start posting little things again. Back in the day I would use it to post little snippets of creative writing. I was thinking I'd start doing that again, but also just share things I've been reading, watching, listening to, enjoying... I love the reading lists so many people here share, so I'd like to try my hand at writing my own.

all of this is to introduce at least a granule of accountability. I am very cowardly when it comes to my writing but I have a lot of creativity running slowly underneath me - it is just mixed with quite a lot of fear. this venture is very daunting to me, but perhaps be a base to neutralise some of that fear.

anyway, I hope you are all doing well and enjoying summer/winter (I have fled summer and do not miss the heat or the extra daylight one bit. but I hope you all in the northern hemisphere are enjoying your tomato girl summers or whatever you kids are onto now)

[sg-x00-airgetlam]

Trans girls are not "disproportionately autistic" lmao that's just what Tumblr has led people to believe (because it convinced itself more of its userbase was autistic by a long series of miscommunications and allistic people who are slightly to the left of being allistic that they were autistic)

Hi! There has been actual research conducted about this. Here is the largest/most recent one I am aware of:

The short version is that 5% of the cisgender people were autistic vs 24% of the trans people.

My assertion that trans girls are disproportionately autistic was actually based on real science and things I heard outside of tumblr. My (neurodivergent) therapist's PhD thesis is actually about the overlap in autism and gender diversity, and how to provide better treatment for autistic trans people.

That's that on The Facts, but here's my opinion piece on (what I perceive to be) your flippant dismissal of a lot of the autistic people online.

Are there people on tumblr self-diagnosing as autistic because they are "slightly left of being allistic" (which I assume refers to people with just media hyperfixations and poor social skills)? Yes, probably. But, generally, they are not hurting anyone, and, if things like stimming, weighted blankets, infodumping to friends, fidget toys, using tone indicators, etc helps these people too, does it really matter if they meet your metric for autism? The more people engaging with these things, the more normalized and visible they become. The more available and affordable they will become.

For a similar example, my mom has celiacs disease. It means her immune system acts up and destroys her intestinal lining in response to gluten. Growing up in the 90s, it was very hard to find gluten-free foods at the store or restaurants that knew what gluten even was. The trend in recent years of gluten-free diets is complete bullshit: unless you have celiacs or a gluten allergy, abstaining from gluten does nothing for you. But the popularity of gluten-free ended up creating a massively expanded access to gluten-free groceries, and tons of restaurants now offer gluten-free menus.

Putting aside how furious I am that there was drastically more effort on this front when it was a fad diet than a legitimate medical problem, the fact is that the people who weren't "really" gluten-free ended up normalizing access to food for people who actually needed it.

The other issue with trying to be hyper critical of which of these online strangers is truly autistic is that there's a lot of grey area between self-diagnosis and formal diagnosis. A lot of people seem to think that self-diagnosed people just skimmed a list of symptoms and labeled themselves on a whim. But there are plenty of people who came to the conclusion that they were autistic via significant introspection and engagement. Who realized it because other autistic people saw themselves in them. Who worked with a therapist or other mental health professional to come to that conclusion, but are not pursuing a formal diagnosis because they either do not want to or are unable to. A lot of autistic people may have no formal diagnosis, but it seems disingenuous to dismiss them out of hand as self diagnosed. When a lot of deep thought can go into self diagnosis. When they were effectively diagnosed by someone with the expertise but not power to formally render it, (because our mental health system is broken).

I have a formal autism diagnosis. It was not easy to get. The wait time in my small semi-rural city was almost a year out. I had to be there from 8 am to 3 pm while a neuropsychologist and his assistants evaluated me. Essentially a whole school day of autism evaluation. I imagine that would be prohibitively expensive without my insurance covering all of it. I imagine many autistic people feel sick at the thought of subjecting themselves to that.

Oh, and if you think the grand prize for all of this is "People will take my issues seriously now because I have an 18 Page Degree in Autism", several people's response to me telling them about my diagnosis was a skeptical "but you're too smart to be autistic". You can not win The Neurotypical Scrutiny Game, even if you jump through all their hoops like I did.

In the end, you can't really pursue people over whether they might not really be autistic. It's a bullshit witch hunt. It's almost like trying to decide whether someone is trans enough, and we really don't need Transmedicalism 2: Autistic Boogaloo on this website. If your concern is that "fake autistic people" are going to talk over the rest of us, may I direct your attention to significantly bigger sources of That, such as: "Autism moms", Autism Speaks, and the Healthcare System.

Now let's get out there, and infodump about something that sings to our souls.

[kxowledge]

I have decided that I will not be applying to PhD programs this round, with one exception (my current uni).

Realistically, I don’t think I’d be able to submit good proposals for each in any case and a poor work isn’t going to get me in. I do need more time – for this and for completing my degree, because my pace of work has taken an abrupt turn. This past semester I have completed very little coursework (7.5 ECTS only, plus retaking a course to improve one of my grades) and progressed little with my thesis. The main reason behind this is a drop in my health. My immune system has taken a turn for the worst, according to the latest analysis. Taking into account chronic stress and insomnia, I’m not in a good place. I am glad I didn’t take more courses, as I would have been unable to go to class. I even had to drop another one I was retaking because it was too much. The issue runs deeper than just productivity. I’ve been sick, feverish, my mind foggy, for the majority of the time. It’s an awful state to live in. I’m in no state to start working on my PhD as things stand. I want my mind to be clear, I want my health to be better, and I want a good system in place. I am unable to unwind. My c-PTSD affects me every week in terms of nightmares and heightened reactions that harm my close relationships. I’m deeply unsure of myself. The list goes on.

I want to take the time to work on myself – a year with less pressure would be good. I say less because the work would still be there: the thesis, the coursework, GRE prep (if I can), tailoring the research proposals, etc. But it would allow for time for other things, surrounding self-improvement. Exactly what I hope to detail in a later post, but it will be around what I mentioned it’s causing me grief (health, sleep, ptsd, etc.). Back to the basics.

Among other things, I’ve started to develop what I guess could be described as agoraphobia – except I’m not scared, but I do get very anxious when it comes to leaving the house. I’m not comfortable being outside for extended periods of time, I’m very much distressed at the thought of travelling to other cities (which has been affecting me really bad considering that I have travelled to other cities in the past few months and I’m also travelling a fair bit over the Christmas holidays). Overall, I’m very reluctant to leave the house. I’m even more scared of travelling because of Covid. I’m just putting this out here because I’ve been very reluctant to admit it. Around a year ago I cancelled plans to go ice skating because the thought of being surrounded by people made me too anxious. From there though, things have precipitated, especially after being bed-ridden for a while. I think I went for three months without leaving the house alone. I’m not at a point where this is severely affecting me, but I know it can evolve into something worse and I don’t want it to. Baby steps though.

[glittertrail]

hiya sandra!! i hope you’re having a great day <3 it’s question time once again!!! do you remember learning how to read? if you do, what was that experience like for you? what was the first book you remember reading, and what was your first favorite book? what was the first fic/fandom your read fics for, and what was your first favorite? do you like to read now?

Under a read more just for brevity's sake.

Keep in mind something very important when reading this: I'm nearly 30 and I started to read fics when livejournal was well and thriving so this might also count as an ancient history lesson

I remember learning how to read but not being very enthusiastic about it, unless there were prizes involved. My mom tried, unsuccessfully, to get me into The Little Prince when I was 7 or 8. I fell in love with it later, when I was 12, but I remember I read it with her before because we were on a holiday in which I had gotten sick and was very bored and desperate to be allowed to play outside or at the very least to be allowed to do anything but reading.

I usually refrain from talking about Terf Rowling or her books (bc nostalgia trump's it all... unless nostalgia involves the work of people that are very alive and funding despicable organizations when they're not too busy saying stupid stuff online) but the first book i remember actually liking and my favorite for a long time was HP, my mom had to bribe me and my brother into it at first tho (bc remember... prizes). It started with her reading us a couple of chapters aloud then us taking turns with her to read out loud to the other two and whoever read the most chapters by the end of the book would get a prize, we both got prizes ofc (each of us got our favorite chocolate bars and we got to go to an amusement park) but by the end we were actually eager to read the rest of the books so we stopped needing prizes very soon.

That was also the first fandom I read fanfic for, criminally young because I was unsupervised a lot on the internet and after finishing all of the published books and while waiting for the next one to be released, having tiny stories written by other people sounded neat. Out of them all my favorite fic were the ones about the marauders (the generation of HP parents, of which there was barely anything out bc not all of the books were published) mostly bc this was back when the HP fandom was at war about people that preferred one ship over other and I wanted nothing to do with them and liked to play in my corner away from them. There's this fic written in Spanish, whose Basque writer has long become a published author now, her books are amazing and so is her PhD thesis on renewable energy, she literally ruined me for fanfiction for a long time because it was just so good (if you ever find Nora by Irati Uriarti I recommend). I have a small army of cousins, of which my favorite is my same age, her mom was desperate to get her into reading and my great idea was to initiate her into reading by reading her this fanfiction... It worked. She only reads fanfiction now tho. So I might've also ruined her forever lmao.

I do like to read now but I am mostly into non fiction these days. Investigative work and theses and sometimes re reading classics. When my brother and I were waiting for the rest of the book series of Terf Rowling to come out, we would take periodic trips to bookshops and leave with as many as we could convince our parents to let us buy, out of them Jules Verne books were some of our favorites (reading 3000 leagues under the sea while pointing at a globe where are they now in the book was very fun).