#i am trying not to pressure you but it's possible the end of this may literally derange! portions! of my brain! so ... fair warning 😘 | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

justaaveragereader · 3 months ago

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Slashtober🔪|| Misery!Yunho

Pairing: Yunho x Reader

Word Count: 6.0k

Warnings: THE ENDING IS DARK!! Stalker!Yunho, Dom!Yunho, Sub!Reader, Unprotected Sex, Mutual Masterbation, Possesiveness, Yunho Is Toxic ASF, Primal Play, Fear Play, Degradation, Choking, CNC, YuYu Uses His Body To Restrain You, Spit, Spanking, Dacryphilia, Masterbation, Clit Play, Oral, Restraining, Fingering, Ass Play, Squirting, Cum Eating…If I Missed Anything…Lemme Know👀👀

A/N: Because tomorrow is going to be busy, busy for me, I decided to drop Yunhos slasher fic a day early😚! This whole fic is DARK, once again they are based off of the slashers in the horror film. If you’ve seen the movie Misery, you know the movie was crazy as hell, so what do you think this fic will be? Crazy as hell. I enjoyed writing this so much, I apologize for the person I was when I was writing the smut to this fic😀.

Slashtober 24’ Masterlist

NSFW UNDER CUT MDNI!!!!

All Ageless, Blank, and Bot Looking Blogs Will Be Blocked.

“Am I almost finished?” You say while eating peanut m&ms. Letting a smile grace your face you nod, holding up a stack of papers. Making sure not to turn them around you show the camera. Letting all your fans on live see the hard work you have done. You had been working on this book for quite some time. You had taken a well deserved vacation up to northern New York to add the finish touches. Squinting you get closer to the screen, trying to read the fast moving messages.

“What is the plot like?” You read out loud, munching on another m&m, you smile once more. The flood of questions coming in hot. You couldn’t help but feel proud. Pointing to your chin like you are thinking.

“Hmm…I can’t spoil the plot you guys! If I told you the plot then it would ruin the suspense.” With a small laugh, you shift through more of the comments.

“When are you coming back home?” You read. Rolling your eyes slightly, you chuckle.

“Soon Woo! I’m packing up soon, and will be on the road no later than maybe 5pm?” Eating another handful of m&ms. You grab the laptop, moving it to the side. You pull up the curtains of the window, showing all the viewers the beautiful, snowy view. A small sigh leaves your mouth..

“I swear this vacation was not long enough. Look how pretty the snowfall is.” You whisper out, getting caught up in the moment before turning back to the computer. You adjust it once more, reading all the comments on the scenery.

“Where are you?” You read, not thinking much of it, assuming that the commenter is trying to land a spot at the peaceful spot, you laugh it off.

“I can’t tell you all that! You may try to steal my vacation spot.” You let out a small laugh, grabbing another handful of candy, before wrapping up the live. You wave sheepishly, promising to go live once you make it back to New York, closing your laptop. You pack up all your items, double checking to make sure you aren’t missing a thing when you get a notification. You toss your phone in your car, not bothering to check it. As you load your car, you take in the surroundings once more. The peacefulness of quiet envelopes your body, wrapping it in a blissful hug. As a writer life wasn’t easy for you, the pressure had been crushing your windpipe. This novel was well awaited once, your fans had been waiting three years for this book, the uneasy feeling of potentially letting them down always stayed in the back of your mind, nipping away at you like a hungry disease. Getting in your car you begin your trip back home, setting your phone up to use as the gps, as you get closer to exiting the property you begin to notice just how hard it is snowing. The thick, cold flakes sticking to the ground, crunching under your tires.

Thirty minutes into the drive you turn your windshield wipers up to clear your windshield as quickly as possible, the small flakes being very mighty. Letting out a groan you grab your phone off the dashboard, dialing Wooyoungs number to let him know you are going to turn around and head back to the cabin. The snow becomes too much for you to handle, trying to balance between looking at your phone, and at the road. As you are locking more onto your phone, not even a second later you lose control of the wheel. Tossing your phone aside, you grab the wheel tightly, trying to regain steering, pumping your brakes, you wind up spinning out and fall off the small cliff. The car falling, and crashing in between trees, your head smacks onto your wheel immediately knocking you out, the last thing you see is the white flurries of the cold flakes.

Not even a full hour has gone by before Yunho is getting out of his truck, searching high and low as to where your car could’ve gone. When he spots the small puff of smoke coming from your vehicle, the tracker on your car has only done so much luck for him. Notifying him that there had been an accident in the area but not pinpointing where you were. Swifty he makes his way down the snowbank, feet sliding down the hill as he hurries to you. Flinging open your car door he sees your slumped figure over the steering wheel, head lightly bleeding. Your eyes flutter slightly at the feeling of someone grabbing you. Barely being able to put any words together, yet alone thoughts together.

“My, my, my…darling what have you gotten yourself into.” He whispers while grabbing you, head bobbing in and out of consciousness, the darkness aids no help in being able to see. You gather all the strength you have, cold hand lightly palming the strangers wrist who you are now convinced is an angel pulling you towards the pearly gates.

“Thank you..” you whisper out before slipping into a motionless state. A small smile creeps on his face before he lets out a squeal, tugging on your body, he lays you in the snow. Admiring your senseless state, body moving like it’s made of clay, that he is willing to mold to his likings. A warm finger runs down the sides of your face, bringing his face closer to yours, inhaling your scent. The warm scent you radiate tickles his nose, bending down he hooks one arm under your legs, the other arm under your shoulder blades hoisting you up. To a stranger it looks like your husband is carrying you to safety, clutching you close as he climbs up the snow bank. Placing you safely in his car, he makes his way back down grabbing your bag, taking the keys out the ignition before making his way back up. Stopping just short of his driver door, watching your collapsed body in the front passenger seat, still as a doll. Placing your items in his trunk, he climbs into the driver seat, placing your head onto his thighs. The weight of your head makes his body grow warm, admiring your features he traces the shape of your nose, finger tips barely grazing your skin, almost as if he applied any more pressure he’d ruin the masterpiece below him. Starting the truck, he begins to pull off, glee filling his body as he makes his way closer to your shared home, the home he made for the two of you, the home you would wind up never leaving.

Your eyes flutter at the bright light, as you try to move you wince at the pain surging through your head.

“Careful.” A deep voice speaks, startling you. Your eyes shoot open, wincing at such movements. A hand comes up to your forehead, fingertips lightly brushing over the stitches.

“You had a nasty crash, I tried to fix you up with everything I had laying around the house.”

Eyes floating to the person who was speaking. He was gorgeous, broad shoulders, button up rolled to his elbows, friendly smile on his face. You were dumbstruck just by how beautiful he was. If only you had known what you were getting yourself into. He sat in the chair across from the bed you were in. Handing you a bottle of water, he explains to you how he was traveling on the road, and came across your crashed car in a ditch. As each second passed by you started to tune out how he had saved you, focusing heavy on the features of his face. The way he bit his lip when he was heavy into detail. How he talked with his hands. When he caught you staring he gave you a shy smile, a warm blush breaking out on his neck. Nodding your head as you listened to him, you had agreed to stay in the cabin til you healed up. As you were in no shape to leave, he kept you occupied. You had even started to talk to him about your personal life and how you were a writer, soon to be wrapping up and publishing your novel soon. His eyes twinkled with each breath you spilled about your book. You intrigued him so much, he had been following you for quite sometime now, everything you were telling him about wasn’t new news to him. He was well aware of what was going on in your life. It just sounded so much sweeter coming from your lips. As a couple days went on you were up and out of bed, moving around. Becoming independent once again, this did not please him. He tried to give you any and every reason to remain in bed, the nice guy you knew was now smothering you. Swearing he couldn’t find your phone in the crash, going so far to even say that he didn’t get any signal in the cabin so he only had a landline.

Internally you were punching yourself, relying so much on technology you hadn’t memorized anyone’s number but your own. Every move you made in the house it felt like you were being watched. You couldn’t deny that the attraction you had towards him lessened the blow of him being slightly weird. You were very attracted to him but knew this would never work. He was too dominant, too overbearing. Every word you spoke to him it felt unreal, almost as if he was trying to poison you and your brain. Tainting you beyond repair. Each day you looked out the window, the heavy snowfall felt like it would never give up. Part of you wished to be like one of the cold, wet flakes. Free.

You could only get so far as Yunho was on top of everything you did, only letting you in a couple rooms, yours, the bathroom, and the kitchen. He never let you venture out farther than he felt like you needed. He would leave for hours at a time during the week. Saying he was going back to the crash site to see if he could recover any of your items. Forbidding you to leave your room, sometimes even locking you inside. You never bat an eye once at these actions as you didn’t want to alarm him or throw any red flags.

You had been keeping small items you found in certain areas. You were loaded with paper clips, bending certain ones in odd ways to try and leave your room. As the windows had been sealed shut. Keeping track of which paper clips worked perfectly to the locks of the door. You were successful many times, choosing to roam the home when you knew he was quite a distance away. But one day…one very forgetful day your freedom got to your head. Not realizing the time that had passed, and missing the large man who was currently watching you rummage around his items. As large as he was, he moved like he was one with this house. Feet missing the floorboards that squeaked, steps as quiet as a mouse. Watching as you shift around, fingers flickering through his items, you fail to miss the way he takes up the doorway to the room. In such few minutes everything had escalated so quick.

“I just knew you were up roaming around. You almost had me fooled for a while til I realized you left your little key behind.” He says ending his sentence with a snicker to his tone. Holding up your make shift key, your eyes grow wide. Feeling like a deer caught in the headlights, you stand still. His presence looming over your very own. With each small step towards you, his smile grew wider. Your hands fidget by your side. Clearly confused on what to do.

“Do you know what happens to bad girls who don’t listen?” Shaking your head no very slowly, afraid to move any quicker. Your eyes never leave his, with such small sentences he carried such a heavy presence. He owned this place, he owned you, everything around you, you were his.

“Bad girls get fucked.” He says while leaning down to meet your eyes, his large stature swallowing you whole. Eyes growing wide, your breath stops for a split second. Your eyes dart to the door that he came through, empty and clear for taking off. He notices your hand twitching, eyes growing wide with anticipation. Letting out a small laugh, he steps back a bit giving you some space. You take this as a sign, you book it for the door, before you can even get three steps past him he snatches your body off the ground, feet dangling in mid air. You feel a hotter heat stead through your groin, you let out a loud groan. Clearly embarrassed at what noise you let you, your hands fly over your mouth, cupping it in shock. His large hands holding your stomach, just close to where you needed him. Flailing your body you try to break out of his hold, shaking as much as you can, praying that he is strong enough to hold you and not let you. He walks with your squirming body to the center of the living room. Moving one hand up to your neck as the other is holding your body tight to his. Your body immediately stops moving, limbs falling almost as if they are falling into a paralyzation. He smiles almost giddy at the way you so easily submit to him.

“A good hand on the neck.” He emphasizes his sentence by adding more pressure to your throat. Slowly putting you on the ground, belly first so you are laid out on the floor. Kneeling behind you he places his other hand between your shoulder blades.

“And an even firmer hand between the shoulder blades . Now that’s how you usually make a bitch submit.” He whispers into your ear. You feel your cunt clench at his dirty mouth, the more pressure he puts on your back the hotter your body grows. Your private areas are only covered by your bra and night time shorts. You are positive soon he will be able to see your arousal seep through the thin material. He looks below him at your form. The woman of his dreams right below him makes his cock grow bricked. Never did he think he’d have you in his arms. You slightly wiggle your body trying to squeeze your thighs tighter together, any stimulation to your clit will aid in the throbbing heat your body is feeling. He places more weight on your shoulder blades, taking this as a sign that you are trying to wiggle away. As your body aches with need at the more pressure he puts he squeezes your throat a bit before loosening his grip on it.

“I told you what happens to bad girls when they don’t listen.” He replies, voice as still water before the hurricane rushes through.

Squishing your face between his hands, your lips part. Nails slightly digging into your soft cheeks. Pulling your body back closer to his chest he ruts his hips against your ass. Feeling his thick member through his pants

“You like this don’t you?” You grunts into your ear, pulling down his pants with one hand, while the other holds your body in place. Your fingers are biting into your palms, trying your every to remain as quiet as possible you will not give him the satisfaction or play into games. His heavy cock smacks your bottom, the weight of it has you biting your lip, placing your forehead against the floor, letting out the quietest of whimpers. The warmth heats through the fabric of your sweat pants. Placing his body weight on you, he lays flat against you. Fiddling with your own shorts, pulling them just under the cusps of your ass. Pulling your panties to the side so your ass was exposed to him he let out a groan. Seeing the plump flesh has him in a trance. His hand still firmly gripping your face, he hikes your head up. Your eyes looking directly in the mirror, the room is dark as midnight, the soft moonlight catches his eye. Shining in a demonic way, he was up to no good, and here you were refusing to fight him off. The struggle of him on top of you did nothing but make your mouth moist, your body on fire.

“Look at you, taking it.” Your eyes squint, looking off to the side, too ashamed to admit you were getting off at this. Your cunt grows slicker by the second, his smile predatory at best. He looks like a beast in the moonlights shadow, he is the darkness. The light in his eyes died a long time ago, you are almost certain of it. He smells of warmth, but his actions prove he is anything but. You are a stray sheep who got shoved into the lions den.

Pulling his other hand forward, letting his cock go it slaps against your ass. The weight of it has you wanted to smack your forehead against the floor so the lewd thoughts flooding your brain leave. With your head still cocked up, your eyes finally flicker over to him. Wolfish smile still on display, by the end of the night you are certain he’s going to swallow you whole.

“Spit.” He says, your face still squished, while his other hand is held in front of your puckered lips. Rolling your eyes you attempt to tuck your lips into your mouth. Staring him down through the mirror you watch as his smile grows deeper, just when you thought he couldn’t fuel your adrenaline high anymore, he proves you wrong.

“You know..” he grunts, putting more of his body weight on you, placing his head by yours so you both are side by side.

“I love them obedient, but you..” he whispers, with each word he speaks your eyes dance over his lips. Feeling his cock twitch with each word he pronunciates.

“You really are making it hard to be nice.” Your eyebrows furrowed together. You glare at him, trying to rip your head out of his hand.

“Nice?” You muffle out through squished cheeks. Your eyes practically bug out of your head at his outlandish remarks. Just as you are about to continue your sentence, his hand from your cheeks moves to your throat swiftly, the sudden pressure of his large hand in your throat takes you by surprise.

“Yea, nice.” He grits out..

“I should shove my cock down your throat til you learn how to speak to me.” He grits out, hips constantly rutting against your ass. Placing his elbow on the floor so his hand can remain wrapped around your throat. He pulls his hand back, grabbing his cock and smacking it against your ass. The squishy meat makes his hard member bounce back each time he smacks it down. Grabbing one of your ass cheeks in his hand, he roughly rolls it around his palm before giving it a hard smack. Your body jolts forward. Making you let out a choked out whimper. With each smack, he pulls the flesh of your ass, before letting it go and smacking it again. This goes on for what feels like forever, your ass welted, stinging each second. Your eyes fill with tears at the sensation.

“I’ll be good, I promise.” You squeak out, throat still held tightly. The tears poking your waterline make him groan in satisfaction. Pausing his movements he moves his hand to spread your ass cheeks far enough to see where you are leaking, your thighs are drowning in your arousal.

“I’m beginning to think you enjoyed that almost more than me.” He whispers in your ear, grabbing his cock, he coats it in some of your arousal before sliding into you. His large size punches your lungs. You let out a loud moan, eyes rolling in the back of your head. Your cunt accommodating the large stretch of him stings just right, your heightened arousal making him slide in easy. The warmness wrapped around him has him hissing. Biting his lip he ruts his hips a bit forward before pulling out of you completely. The loss of his heaviness inside of you has you whining. Slapping your ass once more you let out a cry, with his hand still firmly on your face. He eases the pressure, letting it go suddenly. Your head almost thumping against the floor.

“1…2…3..” he begins to count, that adrenaline rush clouds your best judgment, pulling his body weight off of you, he sits up, kneeling while balancing on the balls of his feet. Watching your figure as you are confused about what to do. Should you flee or lay there? Your eyes shift back and forth between him in the mirror.

“Go.” He whispers out, watching you scramble to your feet as your naked body takes charge through the house. The small sound of your feet thumping against the wooden floor can be heard in the small space, your panting as you begin to move, heart feeling like in mere seconds it’s going to explode out of your chest. The true race begins now. You run down the halls trying to find any and every door that will open. Realizing all the doors are shut. Kicking yourself you let out a small whimper, you can hear him in a distance getting closer to one hundred. You duck off into a small room far back, a small closet in the corner, a three piece couch in the middle of the room. The blinds to the windows are open, with the moonlight shining in, it makes such a beautiful scenery.

“98…99…100.” He whispers, making sure to leave you on edge. As he stands, he dusts off his knees. Cock springing, hitting the bottom of his stomach with excitement. His feet begin to move quietly as he can easily tell where you are, as he has only left one door unlocked. The small study where he would watch your lives, and filter through all your social media. Letting his long legs lead the way, he can practically smell the scent you leave behind lingering in the hallway. With each quiet step he takes, the more his cock twitches on his thighs. He already had you in his trap, he wanted to play with you just a bit more before devouring you. As he steps outside of the room you are currently occupying, he grabs the handle jiggling it to give you a sign he’s arrived. As he steps in he feels the air thicken, he walks around the room, inspecting it from the side completely opposite from where you are currently hiding.

You watch from the closet as he walks around, hard cock firm in his hand. Each time the moonlight catches his eye, it mirrors off. The bright reflection practically blinding you. As he continues to stalk around the house you watch his every move. Barely being able to keep your eyes on his movements, to warped into the way he strokes himself. Firm hand around the base, twisting just to the tip, before sliding his hand back down. Letting his cock go a couple times, slapping it against his own stomach. The pre cum smearing against his smooth stomach, has your insides twisting, cunt clenching with each step he makes. Wanting to divert your eyes, you look down watching as your hand slowly lowers, two fingers pushing against your throbbing clit. You are soaked, the fabric of your panties is sopping wet. Your arousal sticks to you uncomfortably. Pushing them aside you let your fingers dance around on your clit, you let two fingers slowly slide inside of you. The feeling has you letting out a quiet gasp, biting your bottom lip, you attempt to pant as quietly as possible.

You look up only to realize he is gone. Nowhere in sight, pausing your fingers you wait a couple minutes. Fingers standing still in your cunt while you grind on them slowly. Not wanting to make too much noise. What you didn’t know was that the mirror was catching the reflection of you, you had left the closet door cracked open just a bit to much, while you were to busy grinding on yourself to almost completion, Yunho was right on the otherwise of the door, back completely against the wall, thumb rolling over the tip of his cock.

The closet wasn’t working for you, there was not enough room to get yourself to completion. You were right on the tip of orgasm but your hand was starting to cramp in the small area. Deciding that you had waited long enough and that if Yunho wanted to come out, he would’ve already done so.

Grabbing the knob you open it as quietly as possible. Pulling your other hand from your cunt, the stickiness runs down your thighs as you walk towards the couch. Plopping your body down, with youra back turned you completely face the mirror, you sink into the soft furniture. Burying your fingers back into your cunt, with your thumb stringing along your clit. The feeling begins to overwhelm you, your chest heaves with need, just as you crack your eyes open. You catch a glimpse of Yunho in the mirror, his pearly teeth shining in a wide smile. Letting out a loud moan. You try to pause your movements, fingers feeling like they are moving on their own. You lay your head on the arm of the couch. Tilting your head back slightly, watching as his figure flees into the dark depth of the house. As big as he is , he moves almost like he’s a feather, quiet, and as light as possible. He's stalking you, watching you like you are his prey. You are open, vulnerable, trying to out run him. You know he’s there, you can feel his crushing presence around, suffocating you. The feeling is almost overwhelming, it’s down right addicting. The house is eerily quiet, your low moans and whines fill the empty air. Fingers continue to pump into your wet walls, on the brink of riding your high. His deep eyes blend into the shadows, moving around as quietly as possible. He can’t help but grab his hard cock that’s leaking from the tip. Watching you stuff yourself full with your hand. Pulling himself from the shadows he makes his way quietly towards you, with your head tossed back on the arm of the chair. Eyes sealed shut with bliss, you miss the movements he’s doing. Prey that has been easily left to be eaten. Gripping your hand, his sudden intrusion stuns you, stopping your actions you slowly blink your eyes open at him, body thick with sweat. His eyes bore down at you, that wide grin never leaving his face, he was going to swallow you whole.

Bending down he pulls your hand from your cunt, the juices dripping from your fingertips as he gets lower, grabbing you he repositions your hips. Laying on the couch so he’s right in between your legs. Warm breath fanning your pussy, you buck your hips into his face. The juices brushes against his lower lip. Flicking his tongue out to catch your arousal on his skin, he’s locking eyes with you. With such a small gesture you know not to test his patience as he won’t let you get away as easily now, the chase is over. He has caught what he wants, and he’s going to drink you down.

Letting his tongue poke out, he licks a small stripe from your hole to your clit, letting the tip of his tongue rest against your throbbing clit. Letting out a weak cry, you arch once more.

“Please, please, please.” You chant over and over again like it’s a prayer. He has what you want, normally he’d play with his food a bit more but he was hungry, and tired of waiting.

Diving face first into your pussy, he rubs his tongue all over your clit, switching between sucking the swollen bud, and mopping up the fluids leaving your hole. Letting his nose bump against the bud, he rubs it back and forth making sure the point of his nose stimulates your clit with each swipe. You begin to feel your arousal and his saliva mix, dripping down to your asshole, the cool liquid has you letting out a hiss. Nose still bumping against your throbbing clit, your legs jump each nose swipe he does. Pausing for a split second to inhale your scent before diving back in, wrapping his soft lips around your clit, his long slender fingers make there way to your hole, index and middle fingers sliding in smoothly. As he is making his way through you the satisfaction of your pussy squelching around his fingers makes his cock jump against his lower belly, swiping at some of the cool fluid he coats his hand in, wrapping it around his cock.

Pumping himself to the same speed as your clit, making sure to match the same tempo. Your chest brings to heave. Toes beginning to curl, suckling on your clit, with his fingers working their way in and out of you, he coats his ring and pinky finger in more of the fluid clinging to your asshole before rubbing on it slowly. The new sensation has your body lurching forward. Gripping the sides of the couch you moan out his name, releasing his cock, he shoves you back down. Letting out a small groan at the loss of his hand, never easing up the suckling on your clit. Legs continue to buck around him.

“Pl-ple-please.” You stutter out as he slowly enters your asshole. Your mouth falling into a large O shape. Eyes fluttering in the back of your skull. The sight in front of him makes his cock jump, more precum leaking from him.

“What’s my name?” He muffles buried in your cunt. Biting your lip you helplessly whimper before answering him.

“Da-oh god, Daddy!” You shout before your legs buckle once more, cunt beginning to convulse around his fingers. Arching your back to the highest degree off of the couch. Your fingers cling to the fabric of the couch, his eyes practically turn black at the sight.

“Yeaaa…I’m your daddy.” He growls into your cunt, as your juices continue to shoot out in spurts. Some of it was too much to fit in his mouth. It drips down his chin, coating his chest. Pulling his fingers from your ass, the aftershock of the orgasm sneaks up on you, hips bucking once more against his face, juices smearing even more on his smooth skin. He pulls away, fingers still deep in your pussy. Letting his tongue flicker out against his lower lip, catching the fluid that is about to drip off. That signature smile is back. A chill runs through your body, one of fright, the other feeling just how actually cold it was in there now that your adrenaline rush has worn off.

“Can’t let anything go to waste now, can I?” He says, asking you such a rhetorical question, your eyes following his every moment. His fingers twitch inside of you, letting out a low mewl at the overstimulation. Pulling his fingers slowly from your cunt, more juices rush out. Coating the couch beneath you. You watch as he slowly licks all the juice off his fingers, before moving them to your mouth. Opening, you take his long fingers in, sucking your own juices off of them. With a relieved sigh leaving your throat, it satisfies him beyond compare. Pulling them out of your mouth, he gets off of the couch, his own cum staining his lower stomach.

“Let’s get you all cleaned up.” He whispers out, sticking two fingers on his skin to swipe off some of his cum before bringing them to your mouth. Opening you take his fingers in once more, humming around his fingers at the slight bitter taste. His eyes twinkle with satisfaction. Letting out a deep groan, he helps you stand. You both make your way to the bathroom to get cleaned up. Your obedience begins to make his cock come back to life once more. Eyes growing darker as you walk in front of him, leading the way like you own the place.

As you both make your way back to the room you had been in you cozy up to the side of his body. His freshly cleaned chest warms your cheek. Body slowly falling into a deep slumber as he rubs small circles on your back. Letting out a happy sigh, as he feels he finally has broke you. Letting his own eyes fall heavy, he drifts off for a couple of hours. The feeling of your warm body slipping from him. Cracking his eyes slightly he sees your figure fleeing slowly, watching you move around silently as you try the lock on the door to the room. Letting out a small click of his tongue, making your body halt in its actions. Sitting up slightly, placing his face on the palm of his hand. He watches as you tremble like a leaf. Body jittering with a billion nerves, leaning your head against the door. You are trapped, there will never be any escaping this man. Dropping the bent paper clips you walk back to the bed, head down in shame. His eyes light up at your destroyed figure. Watching you climb back into the bed. You pull the blankets over your body. Letting a quiet sigh escape your throat. Squeezing your eyes shut you try your best to drift off back into a slumber. As your body begins to grow heavy you feel the mattress shift. Slowly lowering his body weight on you, the grogginess of sleep still slumbers well within your bones. Moving slightly you feel your wrists jerk up, almost as if they are being pulled closer to the bed frame. Trying to blink yourself out of your tired state you try to sit up only to realize your hands are being held, you attempt to yank them down from the cloth that has them pinned. Jerking hard once more you groan. Letting out a small sigh he leans his body off of you. The weight of him restraining you is no more, you watch his sleeping figure stand. Looking at the footboard of the bed your ankles are being held by pieces of ripped blanket that’s scattered across the bed. As you watch him unlock the door, leaving it wide open he leaves. For a split second you wiggle your body trying to loosen the tighten restraints on you. The fabric cuts into your skin, biting it with each movement. As the darkness pours in the room, the bright moon reflects in it, the snow from outdoors fueling the small light even more. You hear a loud thud, followed by loud scraping against the floor. As his wide stature fills the door frame you feel dread enter your veins. His eyes don’t leave your own for a second before he makes his way to the footboard. His presence has never seemed so hellish, were you being fooled by his boyish charms? Or had he always been this demonic that you were too warped into his devilish ways to notice? These last couple of days you had been dancing with the devil, but soon the performance he had put on for you was about to end.

He moves swiftly placing a wooden box between your feet that are tied to the bed. He leaves the room, coming back with a sledge hammer. That darkness in his eyes never leaves, the pits of evil continue to rise in every breath he takes.

“You won’t be able to go anywhere.” He says, gripping the sledge hammer with both hands. Before raising it in the air.

“I’ll make sure of it.”

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DO NOT REPOST.

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octoberautumnbox · 3 months ago

Text

Love in the Night Train

IZ*ONE/Soloist Jo Yuri & Male Reader

Word count: 1.5k

Categories/warnings: fluff, mentions of blood, unedited as all hell

a/n: happy yuri day!! :DDDD

~~~

You stir awake gracelessly; your eyes open to an innocent white ceiling that should blind you but doesn’t. You scarcely feel your body, let alone are able to move it beyond flimsy twitches in your fingers and toes. Your neck is sore in all the appropriate spots, as if moving your head too far in one direction will snap it right off. On top of everything, a weight on your chest hinders your ability to breathe in. No way you’re dead at least, but as the memories start coming back, you begin to gather that you may as well be.

Your back stings and prickles with every move you make, and it doesn’t take two guesses why. You’re stuck between a rock and a hard place, but that doesn’t mean you’re necessarily in a bind; you suppose that at this point you’ve gotten used to getting used to it. Instead of attending to everything you can as quick as possible, calm yourself back down, remind yourself that danger is far away from here, and that taking things slow sometimes is not a sin.

The weight shifts from your chest and off to the side, giving you a slight reprieve from the pressure. It hits the mattress with a thud and a slight bounce, but ultimately you know everything is alright. Take in the air a bit more this time, and try to move again.

“Ugh, morning. You awake yet?” Yuri clears the messy hair away from her face and rubs her eyes. She sighs from the bottom of her lungs, making sure to get everything from last night out of her system.

“Barely. I can’t fucking move, babe,” you reply with as much of a chuckle as you can manage, though it isn’t much. She giggles back and places her head on your chest again, this time in a more favorable spot. “You first?” you ask carefully, trying not to rush.

“Mmm, sure. Are you okay though?” She breathes in time with you, all the while tracing little circles on your chest. “I think you’re worse off than I am.”

The moment you try to reach for the salonpas, the stinging pain roars all over your back again. It sends you barreling back onto the mattress, but the split second is enough for Yuri to make out the damage.

“Fuck, I’m so sorry,” she pleads, “never mind. You first.”

Her movements are clunky and careless, dead giveaway to sore pairs of arms and legs. Despite this she soldiers on, and successfully reaches for the antiseptic on her side's end table. She prods at you gently to flip over, and it reveals two things: a back that looks like you kept a raccoon in your knapsack, and bedsheets right under where you were lying, formerly plain white.

She assesses the damage, and once the initial shock leaves her features it's replaced by guilt and what you could only call a mild horror. “It's that bad, huh?” you joke before planting your face onto the pillow.

“I'm sorry, babe, I got too caught up in it last night…” She spreads the antiseptic over her palm and counts, three, two, one, then the pain evolves from stinging to searing. You grimace into the pillow, sucking in what little air you could through your teeth, as Yuri mumbles tiny apologies while applying more of the medicine all over your back.

“Okay, okay, done. I'm sorry,” she says with finality, and prods you to lie right side up again. You find on her lips a small pout, and it's the most adorable thing; you're reminded how lucky you are to land a girl that cares this much for you.

“It's okay, as if I'd be mad about that,” and after sighing you finally make to get up. “Your turn.”

It's easier now, the pain once again evolving from searing to a polite coolness. The salonpas is miles closer within reach, and you tell Yuri, “Face down, love.”

She complies slowly, her joints and muscles still practically creaking with overuse. You peel a strip off the sheet and place it right where her shoulder meets her neck, then again for the other side. Pat them down to secure the adhesive, then move on to the next.

Her lower back, under her shoulder blades, the backs of her thighs–each under her request based on where she aches most. As you place each strip, you rediscover every single mark you left on her, most notably the ones on her neck and chest, which are only starting to go from red to a deep purple. It brings back fond memories, and as you hover over the ones nearby, she smiles and runs her fingers over them too.

“Help me hide these?”

“I think they suit you rather well,” you tease, and after another bout of shy giggles from her she lifts herself off the bed slowly. She clambers to a sitting position in front of you and nearly crashes into your embrace, and the sensation brings you both to reminisce about last night: you kiss the same spots where her little circular bruises sit, and she runs her fingers over each tiny scratch mark she left on your back. Her eyes wander over her handiwork, a tiny sense of pride rising from her chest, when she finds one particularly nasty ring of sore red skin on your neck.

“That one… looks bad,” she says, “I should maybe do something about that one.” She clambers some more onto her feet and scurries off to the bathroom before coming back clutching the med kit. “Hold still,” she commands, and she pulls out a dropper of antiseptic for what you can only surmise is a bite mark, and for how Yuri even more carefully brings the spout near your neck, you gather it looks much worse than it feels.

“I'm okay, babe, I'm–” before an inferno of stinging pain spreads outward from the spot the medicine dropped. Bolts of lightning travel all along your nerves, and it takes nearly a minute before it calms down like the rest of your wounds. Groans escape you the entire time, and Yuri's concern doesn't fade one bit.

“Are you okay?” she asks, hopeful that she's doing more good to make up for the apparent harm. She dabs a square piece of gauze onto one of the deeper marks her teeth left and, once she's sure it's dry, covers everything with a fresh square to stick in place. She masterfully applies each strip of tape, securing it with just the right amount, before she's finally satisfied with her treatment. “All better, Oppa?”

“Yes, thank you, Yuri. How come I didn't notice that one?” A wave of relief washes over her, then moves on to you–her feeling better about things is highly contagious.

Both of your attentions now land on the ruined bedsheet, and you start to notice the sheer amount of tiny bits of red scattered on your side. Yuri shoots you a look: “Help me change this?” and of course you oblige, partly because you feel guilty for having so much blood, but mostly because she's the kind of girl that puts magic into the mundane, as if she's the one that makes life worth living.

You less-than-gracefully heave yourself off the bed before pulling away the covers themselves. A quick trip to the closet and Yuri hands you two corners of a fresh new fitted sheet, this time with a more joyful beige color and a fluffier texture like wool. You pull the garters over the soft edges of her mattress, and once all the pillows and covers are thrown back in place, you crash back onto the bed with her, sighing with exertion for the unbelievably menial task.

“So,” you finally inquire after minutes of plain nothingness in her presence, “breakfast?”

“I don't wanna cook,” she whines, and yanks a pillow over her face. It's strange how cute she can be even without trying, more so when she does, and it's been lost to you a long time ago how to tell the difference. Wrap an arm around her waist, bring her close, find the warmth again that is Jo Yuri: stable yet novel and wild yet predictable.

“Me neither. Let's just get delivery.”

“What do we order?”

“What do you want?”

She stares into your eyes, confessing a million things with each passing moment: I love you, I don't want to get up, stay with me forever, I want to eat in bed, I'm not that hungry, my back hurts, you're my everything. Her chest rises and falls as she breathes, her pupils running over each of your features like memorizing every single thing about you.

She places a hand on your cheek, making sure you're real. The aches in her body are more proof than any pinch will ever be that she's awake, but that doesn't mean she's not in a dream. Yuri asks, “What are you thinking of?” in the quietest voice you've ever heard her make, and it melts the ice in your heart that you didn't even know was there.

“You. Always you.”

~~~

#girl group fluff #kpop fluff #izone fluff #jo yuri fluff #jo yuri #izone yuri #fic box

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borderlinereminders · 10 months ago

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They left you on read, and now you feel like spiraling. So the question is, what do you do? I want to specify that for this post, I am talking about pre-established friendships.

First of all, stop and take a breath if you can. A lot of times, we have urges to spam message someone, or send messages asking if they still care about us, or even urges to be passive aggressive because we feel hurt. This can damage your relationships though. If you are struggling with urges, please read about Urge Surfing. The goal of urge surfing is to "ride the wave" of an urge. Another suggestion I have is to try some grounding exercises to pull yourself out.

In most cases, being left on read does not equal rejection, even though it can feel that way. The next thing to do is to find an alternate reason they might not be responding. Here is a list of possible reasons here, but keep in mind that there are numerous other reasons that are not on this list. People have downtime sometimes, but it doesn't mean they want to fill that downtime with talking to people. Even people who are important to them. And that's okay. It doesn't mean they care about you any less.

If you are feeling rejected, challenge those thoughts. I personally keep screenshots from my loved ones that tell me they love me that I can read back when I need a reminder. I also keep a list of things they've done that show me they love me. Here's a post on challenging thoughts.

The next thing I recommend doing is to focus on distraction. A really great skill for that is ACCEPTS. Here's a write up on that here.

Below the read more is some stuff for some long-term coping/communication. It can totally be skipped though if you were just looking to get through an immediate situation.

Sometimes, greater communication might be needed. While no one owes you unlimited access to them, it might be good to set up plans with people who may feel too drained to talk (possibly for days on end), or even friends that may open a notification and then get distracted and forget to reply (and no, this doesn't mean they don't care about you.)

In the first case, it's so valid to feel drained from talking to people. And while people are allowed to take space they need, sometimes it can be a lot for us if it's going on multiple days. It is possible to find compromise. For example, I have one friend who feels insecure if I go a few days without talking to them. For us, we've established a specific emoticon that I can send that says "Hey, it's not you at all. I just am not up to talking right now." I send the emoticon if it's going on a couple days because I don't want to leave them hanging.

For the second case, someone forgetting, in situations like this it might be good to establish beforehand what an acceptable amount of time is before you can send a follow up nudge. While my best friend and I talk a lot, sometimes she forgets to do stuff that we need for the business we run together. We've discussed that it's okay for me to nudge her once a day because she does genuinely forget.

There are also different rules for different friendships. For example, my best friend is allowed to absolutely spam me. The messages can be related or not. But we've established that it's okay if I'm not up to answering, and in this specific friendship, it doesn't drain me if she messages multiple times because there is no pressure on my end to respond.

Either way, it's okay to talk to your friends about situations like this. Is there an acceptable amount of time they're okay with you sending a follow up message? Is it okay if they aren't up to replying to your message, but have the energy to send you an emoticon or even a picture of their pet without responding to the actual message? (Sometimes I have the energy to share memes, or pet pics, but don't have the mental energy to answer a bigger question, and my friends know and are okay with me coming back to the question later while continuing on the conversation in other ways.) If they frequently go quiet because of their mental health, is there a compromise for both of you? Sometimes, it isn't even about our insecurity but that (especially with online friends) we may be concerned for their well-being and would like an indicator they're okay.

Remember that sometimes friendships aren't compatible, and it isn't a reflection on either of you. But if your friend isn't able to compromise and you feel constantly stressed/worried, then maybe the friendship isn't compatible. And that's okay! It's okay to need to walk away from a friendship even if someone hasn't actually done something "wrong."

A lot of my anxiety about being left on read went away as I worked on my own healing and coping. I used to make my life all about my relationships, and I'd feel lost if I was alone. It took me a long time for me to find an identity outside of other people, and it was so worth doing.

#my post #relationship advice

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petday · 4 months ago

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your art is so so so so inspiring to me which is strange bc my style isnt very similar to yours at all. but it makes me happy to see your art, especially when you make art from things from childhood id forgotten about💫💫💫💫💫🩷🩷🩷🩷

Thanks. Your message and similar messages from others over the years inspired me to try to put into words why I draw 'nostalgic things'. I ended up writing a lot.

There was a period of time when I became cynical about being seen as an 'artist who reminds people of childhood' or a 'nostalgic artist'. I no longer feel that way but I will explain why. Some artists, who I like and respect, will sometimes mention 'nostalgia holding artist's growth back' and 'nostalgia causes learned helplessness.' But I feel differently.

Maybe I perceive time differently. I have lived long enough to witness cycles of 'what is valued, and what is not valued' repeated. For example, I loved what is now called 'Y2K' style, but during mid 2000s, for whatever reason it was derided as something to be left in the past, something embarrassing. "Aren't we glad we optimized things now, and they are 'sleeker' and less complex? Old things were childish, an embarrassing weakness for humans, we must advance and reach our ideal evolution." That became the common attitude. I felt pressure to have the same thoughts. I just couldn't make myself feel that way no matter what, though. Even with the increasing threats about, 'keep up with others or you won't ever develop positive social relationships!' I couldn't change my mind.

(If what is currently valued becomes devalued and then it becomes valuable after that… that's an odd cycle to me. For example, if we like bananas, even when bananas cannot be harvested, we still like them even though they occupy a smaller space in our minds but we don't deride them. Going even further, though, I sometimes wonder if it is possible for humans to eventually remove the 'devaluation' stage, particularly in art 'trends' as I am an artist. Whatever is considered valuable remains valuable. A counter arguement would be, 'no, the devaluation of the previous thing is exactly what causes the next thing to be valued, and then the cycle flows beautifully: X was valued -> Y is valued, X is devalued -> Y is devalued, X becomes valuable again. If you want X to always remain valuable, just develop better patience. Like we cannot pick fruit we like all year, we cannot simply keep adding onto the pile of things we like, something has to be seen as inferior by the majority of humans.' I disagree. I might explain my thoughts against this argument more in the future.)

Anyway, what people call 'Y2K style' or 'art that emulates how things commonly appeared in early years of 2000s' is popular nowadays. Even someone who did not grow up with it can become attracted to it. That 'desire' itself is a communication between past and present. Something can make someone feel 'lighter' [in sense of, "wow, the crushing weight of my circumstance feels not so crushing when I look at this'] -- a similar 'light' to how someone in the past was perceiving it when it was the present and not the past. So, even though two people were born in different eras and may not become friends or even meet, they're still connected by that 'lighthearted' feeling they both like. I know it will be seen as 'lower value' soon, but I truly cannot care because as I mentioned earlier, I might perceive 'time' weirdly.

When I started playing video games, a family member would point out, 'those games were made before you were born, interesting!' but that statement confused me at the time since my perception was, 'well, if these games are from before I was born, I don't understand why she is bringing attention to it. Why is it interesting? It's just regular. They're alive in the present now, because I'm in the present and so are they.' That was when I was a very young child. I subconsciously kept the same feeling even as I was reaching teenage and adult years. The feeling echoed when people liked to ask the question 'why are you still playing games from long ago?' as I got older but still played the same 'old' games. The answer: they are beautiful and will remain beautiful, and something made in the past is still communicating in the present, so are they really truly 'outdated inferior games'...? Just because the cycle of valued and devalued happened to be in a different position and those old things were seen as an embarrassment? (Now there are popular games inspired by the era of games many people ridiculed me for consistently enjoying, lol. Similarly, I was using 'crappy' old versions of programs even through 2017. Now people from wealthy upbringing and background use 'crappy' programs willingly. lol)

The present talks to the past all the time, nostalgia is not a dead end. In that sense I cannot see nostalgia as a death trap but rather a connection made from past to present. A string between the past and present that feelings can crawl across and communicate. Feelings such as 'I wish my life took a different direction. I can't make things like how they were back then, it won't ever be the same again, so I'll do nothing.' The criticism of 'nostalgia' is towards that last sentence. But there are things you can do with those feelings. 'Doing nothing is boring. And I keep thinking of that fun drawing I saw... I kinda wanna try to make something.' Making something while thinking of the past and present at the same time, so there is a communication between past self and present self. Pure bitterness communicating with slightly light-hearted view, the 'end result' is artwork/creation.

*I used light-hearted feeling as example, but nostalgia can exist for any feeling, and not just for people who were nice when they were younger. If someone was cruel as a child/teenager, after the person has been an adult for a while, they can communicate with their younger self about what was it about the cruelty that was enjoyable, and then extract a small part from the cruelty that they wish to bring back into the present -- example, the attraction to 'high speed activities, playful mischievousness' can be extracted from 'hurting people on purpose so they will acknowledge/react to you'. The dialogue could be something like, "'honestly, you and I both know spamming people with bad things felt pretty fun at the time, so let's just keep the 'high energy mischievousness' feeling and leave behind the crap that hurt people deeply, and let's make an animation while thinking of that high energy feeling.

^ I don't answer questions or reply to messages often because of giving answers that aren't too long or too short is tough for me. lol. Thanks for liking my art. I like a lot of art that doesn't resemble mine as well. It's fun! Like appreciating different flavours in the same meal even if you cannot make the meal yourself.

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wildsaltair · 20 days ago

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Stalking Tiger

Pairing: Maximus Decimus Meridius x reader

Rating: M (some non-descriptive spiciness, lots of angst and hurt/comfort)

Word Count: 8.6k

Author’s Note: It's time for some Spaniard adoration! This is actually part of a larger narrative (everything is the same except Maximus was single AU) in which reader is a slave sent to entertain Maximus in the gladiator school, but they end up falling madly in love and kind of living in agony day to day worrying that something will happen to the other. This is a really special story to me, and I hope y'all will enjoy reading it as much as I've enjoyed writing it :)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“I fight Tigris of Gaul tomorrow,” Maximus whispers to you. His mouth is right beside your ear, his breath warm on the side of your neck.

His words register with you a moment later, and you stiffen as you consider the implications. Tigris of Gaul is the only undefeated champion in gladiator history, known for his brutality and ruthless efficiency at killing. The thought of your love facing him is frightening, no matter how capable you know he is.

You’ve been lying with your back against his front, his arm wrapped around your bare waist securely, but you shift to lie on your back so you can see his face.

He moves with you and props himself up on one elbow, looking down at you with such fondness that your heart nearly melts. He strokes your hair from your forehead with gentle fingertips, as if he’s forgotten the subject he just brought up.

“Tigris of Gaul?” you whisper back, knowing your eyes betray your concern. “They told you?”

He sighs softly, eyes tracing over your features with care. “Proximo warned me. He fears that it may be a trap from the Emperor. A way to ensure my death.”

You shudder. It’s no secret that the Emperor wants your lover dead, especially as his popularity among the people has grown.

And what would your life be without him? This Spaniard, this indomitable gladiator, has become your whole life. Months ago, you began as a stranger, a slave sent to entertain him for one night, but every time you look in his eyes, you see the love in your heart reflected in him. You are his hope, his peace, his joy, and he is everything to you.

He feels your shudder and draws you close, burying his face in the side of your neck while you wrap your arms around him. Neither of you needs words to communicate in moments like this.

He presses his lips tenderly to the side of your neck, once, twice, three times. His free hand touches your side and strokes your skin comfortingly, as if you were the one about to face possible death tomorrow.

“Are you afraid?” you breathe into his ear, gently stroking his bare back. His skin is so warm, so smooth between the scars.

He hesitates, just breathing against your skin, then his hand slowly slides up the side of your body. “I fear nothing,” he whispers, “except losing you.”

Tears well up in your eyes immediately at the sweetness in his words, the soft passion in his touch. His fingers trace the swell of your chest, the fragile length of your collarbone, the soft column of your throat. He is still nuzzling the side of your face with his nose, his eyelashes brushing your cheek.

These moments are treasures to your lonely heart — jewels you carry in your chest for the endless days when you are apart.

“Do you think Tigris will cheat?” you ask him softly, trying to think of how this fight might be rigged.

He kisses you again, with the pressure of a feather, just below your ear, and a tremble of pleasure runs through your body. “I am sure that the Emperor will have an added layer of danger to the fight. Single combat is too commonplace for an event such as this.”

He sighs when you drag your fingertips down his shoulder blades, tracing the faint notches in his spine. He dips his head so that his forehead is folded into the crook of your neck, his hand lowering to trace your curves again.

“You will win,” you assure him, though your heart pounds at the thought of him facing a battle already slanted against him. “You always win.”

His hand stops wandering and presses flat against your chest, directly over your heart. He can feel it pounding like a drum beneath his palm.

“I will win for you,” he murmurs, pressing his body more firmly against yours when you lay your hands flat on his back. “I will win if only to see you again.”

Again, tears rise in your eyes, threatening to choke any response you might have. He feels the emotion coiling in you somehow, wraps his arm around your waist to pull your bare body close against his. Your legs tangle with his, your arms hooking around his back so you can bury your head in his broad shoulder.

“Let me come watch,” you beg him quietly, already knowing the answer from many similar conversations.

He shakes his head vehemently, arms locked around you firmly. “No, my love,” he whispers. “I do not want to see what your master forces you to do, and I do not want you to see what mine forces me to do.”

“It’s different with you,” you insist, your voice breaking. “A thousand strangers see you fight every week.”

“You are not a stranger. And I would not have you see the side of me that has won me the favor of the people.”

You know the truth of his words, and in all honesty, you do not wish to see him fight. Despite your curiosity, the thought of seeing your beloved fighting for his life in an arena, facing insurmountable grotesque odds, while all around you people cheer for someone’s blood, makes you sick to your stomach. You know seeing him fight would only increase the fear you already feel for him every moment.

You kiss the base of his neck tenderly, and he responds as he always does: with a faint shiver and a sigh of pleasure. “I will honor your wish,” you promise. “But my heart will be with you every moment.”

“I know,” he breathes against your skin. “That is the thought that has carried me through many dark hours.”

Your designated time is close to being over, so you cling to each other with all the passion tethered in your hearts. Moments like these only serve to remind you of how easily all this happiness could vanish, of how fragile and dangerous such a love is. You are slaves, and your moments together can only last so long as the gods are merciful.

So you just hold each other, basking in the warmth of one another’s skin, and the steady beating of each other’s hearts, and the even cadence of each other’s breaths, perfectly in rhythm.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A roar from the crowd. Deafening, then muted, then scattered, then horrified, then deafening again.

You are perched by the window of your room in your master’s house, your ear closely attuned to the sounds of the crowd in the arena several streets away. You would never violate your promise to Maximus and go to watch his match secretly, but you cannot help listening to the sounds of the crowd to ascertain how he is faring in the fight.

The crowd is chanting his name now, over and over like a refrain. He must be entering the arena.

Spaniard! Spaniard! Spaniard!

They scream his name, yell it like a battle cry. It is a chant, an anthem, a moniker for a fierce warrior and entertainer.

Only you know his true name. Maximus. Only you breathe and whisper and cry out his true name, night after night, cradled in his arms, in the intimacy of his bed, while he looks deep in your eyes and coaxes the sweetest pleasures from you.

And only you have the joy, the privilege of hearing your own name tumble from his lips again and again and again, night after night, when his head falls back and his eyes soften with pleasure and contentment while you thrill him with your own coaxing.

You have been imagining the match in your mind all day, wondering what will be awaiting him when he steps onto the sand. He is such a capable fighter, such an indomitable force, but every man has his limits. The Emperor, you know, will test each of them.

Another deafening shout, his name mingled with the screams of horror and fascination as the match resumes.

Your heart is pounding as loudly as you can imagine that it would if you were in the arena beside him.

You do not know when you will see him next — as far as you know, your master has not arranged for you and the other slaves to go back to Proximo’s gladiator school for at least another week — and you ache at the thought of having to wait that long to see him again. To hold him, to examine him for injuries, to whisper your love to him and feel his body pulsing with life.

You fear for him every day, but these days, the stakes are so much higher, the risks so much greater for both of you.

Another deafening roar shakes the whole street, and you pray silently to every god you have ever heard of that your love is still alive.

How long can this go on? This compassionate allowance to let you and the Spaniard share your love once a week or so? How long can you expect fate to be so kind, so merciful to let you find peace and surrender in his bed, in his loving arms, before one of you is ripped away forever?

Tears spring anew to your eyes at the thought. He could be killed, or seriously wounded and sent somewhere far away. You could be bought as a live-in lover or sent somewhere else permanently.

As it is, Maximus is the most successful gladiator in Proximo’s school and therefore the most likely to be allowed to have you continue coming to him on certain nights. You, on the other hand, have no such power, and your favor with the Spaniard can only last as long as he does.

But what would it matter? If he dies, all your hopes die with him. Your master can sell you as lion bait for all you care, if you have to live in a world without the comfort of your love’s embrace.

The crowd suddenly goes silent, and so does the beating of your heart. Your mind swims with the possibilities. Is he dead? Is Tigris dead? Has something even more unthinkable happened?

Your hands are clenched into fists, your eyes squeezed shut as you wait for something, anything, to give you a sign about what has happened.

The whole world seems to stand still as you wait.

And then, from several streets away, the arena erupts into cheers and screams: Spaniard! Spaniard! Spaniard!

And your heart sighs as you drop into a chair, suddenly exhausted from the strain of worry. The shouts continue to ring down the street, and people outside your window take up the shout as well, acclaiming Rome’s greatest hero since Caesar.

Spaniard! Spaniard! Spaniard!

All their shouts are drowned out by the beating of your heart and the relief that floods your mind.

He lives. He lives. He lives. And you will see him again.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

You are thoroughly shocked when a messenger from Proximo comes to you that night, requesting that your master send you to the gladiator school alone.

Your master’s look is skeptical and disapproving, but the weight of gold coins in the purse sent with the message prevents him from making any comments.

You slip through the front gate of the gladiator school in a matter of minutes, heart flying at the thought of what might be happening, why you could have been summoned here alone by Proximo himself.

You’ve heard what happened in the arena, of course. Everyone has been speaking of it all day. Maximus and Tigris of Gaul, evenly matched, fighting ferociously with swords and axes. Man-eating tigers leaping from hidden trapdoors, barely tethered by chains and swiping at the two fighters. The Spaniard, gaining the advantage and winning the match. Then defying the Emperor’s death command and sparing Tigris’ life, to the massive approval of the crowd.

Your heart swells with pride to think of it, as well as worry, as you slip into the main chamber of the gladiator school and wait for Proximo to appear.

Proximo is waiting for you, you discover, assessing you with cold eyes. “What is it that so fascinates him about you?” Proximo wonders aloud, scanning your body as thought he might find something everyone else has missed.

“He cares for nothing but you,” the gladiator trainer continues, pacing with a feigned air of casuality. “Every time I ask him what he wants as a reward for the fame and riches he brings me, he only asks for you. Over and over. Why?” Proximo’s question hangs in the air, weighty like a storm cloud.

You have no answer for him, of course, and he knows his questions are rhetorical. He waves his hand dismissively in the direction of the gladiators’ cells.

“Go to him,” he commands you with an odd air of defeat, as though you have somehow bested him by remaining a mystery. “He has won the day and the affection of the mob. Again. All he asked in return was for you to come to him tonight.”

Your heart soars as you fly through the hallway. The guard unlocks the cell door, and when the door clangs shut behind you, barely a moment passes before you have flung yourself into your love’s strong, welcoming arms.

Maximus holds you slightly off the ground for a moment, his face buried in your hair while he breathes you in. It’s when he exhales jerkily that you feel something wrong.

You pull back slightly, hands resting on his broad shoulders while he sets you back on your feet. “What’s wrong?” you ask, sensing his apprehension.

He shakes his head, gazing deep in your eyes as though he is amazed to see you. “I did not think Proximo would let you come,” he wonders, running his fingertips through your hair gently. “He must have been very pleased.”

“He was,” you confirm. “He said he was willing to offer you whatever you asked. And he was confused as to why you only care about me, instead of anything else he offers you.”

Your love’s brow crinkles into a frown at that. “He spoke with you?”

“Only for a moment. I think I puzzle him — he doesn’t understand what you see in me.”

Your words are light, teasing, but the Spaniard fixes you with a gaze that could melt steel. He tightens his hold around your waist, pulling you close so you can feel his every breath.

“Am I the only man with eyes to see you?” he wonders, leaning forward to press his lips lightly against your cheek. “Can it be true that no one else recognizes you for what you are?”

Your heart warms at his praises, because you know he means every word. Other men, including your master, see you as unimpressive, plain, suited for little more than gladiator entertainment. But to this man, this Spaniard who loves you so much more than his own life, you are a precious treasure whose every movement bewitches him.

You smile in return, and he lets his lips travel over your face — your jaw, cheeks, nose, chin. His tender affections are right in character for him, but you can’t shake your concern.

“Why did you ask for me tonight?” you ask cautiously, eyes closed as he kisses your forehead with the utmost tenderness. “You have never asked for me on a night when I was not already to be sent to you.”

He sighs, resting his lips against your forehead. For the first time, you realize that he is trembling slightly in your arms, as though nervous.

“I needed to be with you,” he says simply, dipping his head to rest in the curve of your neck.

His words worry you. Perhaps his fight with Tigris frightened him more than he is willing to admit aloud.

Wanting to comfort him, you stand on your toes and wrap both arms around his neck, stroking his back soothingly as he breathes into your shoulder. When his breath catches, a pained gasp escaping his throat, you freeze, afraid of hurting him.

“What is it?” you whisper, loosening your hold on him even as he cradles you in place.

He takes a deep breath to steady himself, shakes his head slightly. “It is nothing,” he assures you. He thinks for a moment, strokes your spine with his warm hands. “I just needed to have you near tonight.”

Still concerned, you put your hands on his chest and push a few inches between your bodies. Looking into his eyes seriously, you ask, “Are you hurt?”

He gives you a soft smile, fingers tracing patterns on the sides of your ribs. “I am all right,” he says vaguely, not answering your question the way you hoped.

Still, he does not protest or stop you when you pull out of his embrace and step to the side to look at his back, which seems to be the afflicted area based on the way he flinched at your touch.

When you finally see his injury, you cover your mouth with both hands, eyes filling with tears of horror, anger, and sorrow.

His back is razed with four long claw marks, stretching from his left shoulder blade to his right hip. His tunic, although clearly fresh, has soaked through with the blood, staining the fabric a deep red. A series of small cuts on the backs of his arms, neck, and spine betray more abuse at the hands of his opponent.

Tiger claws. Your love was clawed by a tiger in the arena today, in addition to nearly losing his life to a fierce opponent.

And he seeks your presence as his comfort, you remind yourself. You are his peace, his solace, his only joy.

Your heart swells at that thought, but it aches and weeps at the sight of his terrible wounds, at the pain he must be enduring even at this moment.

He turns to face you, his eyes shadowed but soft on your features. “Do not cry for me, my love,” he murmurs, brushing his fingertips over your cheeks to wipe away your tears.

You shake your head vehemently, pressing your lips together to keep from bursting out in emotion. “How can they do this to you?” you whisper harshly. “You have done nothing, yet they torture you with this terrible pain.”

“The pain is nothing,” he assures you with a gentle smile. “All I feared was that I might die without saying goodbye to you.”

Your heart breaks again, over and over, at the sincerity in his voice.

“You thought you would die?” you ask in a whisper, leaning in to his touch. He is still stroking the side of your face tenderly, but you are afraid to touch him again, to possibly worsen the pain you know he must be in.

He thinks for a moment, eyes trailing down to your lips. “I came closer to death today,” he finally admits in a quiet voice, “than at any other time in the arena.”

So that is the reason for this midnight visit, you realize. A narrow brush with death. The knowledge that he is not invincible. That he could have been killed by a stray swipe from a tiger. Perhaps his first real encounter with fear since he became a gladiator.

Eyes burning with more tears, you squeeze your eyelids shut and reach up to clasp his hand in yours. “I knew something was different about today,” you mutter. “I could sense it, even last night.”

He nods, still letting his eyes focus on your mouth as though afraid to meet your eyes. “The Emperor grows bolder,” he agrees. “More intentional.”

Again, your heart flips in your chest at that thought. The most powerful man in the Empire, with his sights set on death for the man you love.

“I am glad you called for me,” you whisper, opening your eyes to meet his gaze. “I want to share in everything with you — your joys, your sorrows, your fears, everything.”

The look he gives you is so sweet, so tender, so full of gratitude and adoration, that your heart melts again.

He doesn’t speak, just cups your jaw with his hand and pulls you close for a kiss. Not wanting to hurt him, you rest your hands lightly on the inside of his elbows, stroking your thumbs over the sensitive skin. He sighs into the kiss, lips moving gently against yours.

When he tilts his head to rest his forehead against yours, you whisper, “Are you in pain?”

He hesitates, then presses another soft kiss to your lips before answering. “Not unbearably,” he whispers back.

Which is as close to admitting his pain as he will ever get, you know. Knitting your brow in concern, you tilt your head back to look up into his eyes. The top of your head is level with his chin, and he smiles down at you with such fondness and love.

“Let me take care of you,” you request quietly, stroking the sides of his face. He closes his eyes and relaxes into your touch, sighing in pleasure at the contact.

“I did not bring you here for that,” he counters with the faintest smile, eyes still shut as he basks in your gentle touch. “I only wanted to be with you. Do not worry about the scratches; they will heal quickly. Proximo vowed that I would not have to fight again until next week to give them time to heal.”

His words hardly reassure you, and you slowly run your hands down to the sides of his neck. “Let me take care of you,” you repeat, gazing at him passionately. “I want to.”

Your lover opens his eyes, and his expression softens even further. You can sense in his manner that he did not intend for you to care for his wounds, but that he is grateful and pleased that you want to anyway.

“Do whatever you wish,” he murmurs, leaning in again to capture your lips in a gentle kiss, “so long as I am close to you.”

What love could ever be sweeter than the tenderness he feels for you, that in his moments of greatest fear and pain, he longs for your calming presence?

When your lips part, you step out of the circle of his arms, ready to begin your job of tending his wounds. You survey him carefully, looking for any injuries you may have missed when you threw yourself into his arms earlier.

There are a few small cuts on his face and a bruise forming under his right eye, but nothing particularly grievous. You notice a slice across the top of his left hand, but it has been crudely bandaged with a linen strip.

Meeting his intense gaze, you motion for him to take off his tunic so you can get a better look at the tiger’s claw marks on his back. Wordlessly, he does as you ask. Watching him undress is nothing new for you, but when his tunic is off, the damage to his skin is even more obvious. Your throat clenches when you see the deep cuts on his back.

“You will be scarred from this,” you whisper, hands hovering over his back but afraid to actually touch him for fear of increasing his pain.

He smiles softly over his shoulder at you. “I do not mind the scars,” he teases you, “so long as you are here to ease the pain.”

His body bears further evidence of the fight now that you can see his bare skin. Deep cuts on the backs of his arms and shoulders, and one shallow one running down his side. He’s covered in bruises as well, from his breastbone to his ribs. Every time he breathes, you sense the painful movement of his bruised skin.

Another wave of emotion strikes you at the sight of his wounds. Your hand still hovers over him, afraid to make full contact, and he turns his head to look at you.

A moment later, he turns fully and wraps you in his arms, clearly ignoring the pain it causes. You bury your face in his bare shoulder, blinking back tears.

“I cannot stand to see you like this,” you tell him, your heart breaking as you think of all the pain he has borne. “I cannot stand to see what they do to you.”

He lays his cheek against the top of your head, rocking you back and forth in his arms as if you were the one in need of comfort. “They can do nothing to me that I am not fitted by nature to bear,” he promises you in a soft voice, the one that you know is reserved only for you.

You do not bother trying to argue him out of that philosophy, choosing instead to rest your hands lightly against his waist. He does not flinch, but his muscles relax at your soft touch.

Several moments pass in that way, just holding one another close, enjoying the simple pleasure of sharing a quiet moment away from the rest of the world. Your times together are always so brief, so bittersweet, and your heart aches at the thought of having to leave him like this tonight.

I will make it worth it, you promise yourself. I will take away his pain, even if only for an hour.

Without a word, you lift your chin and look deep into the man’s eyes. He gazes back at you steadily, firmly, lovingly. His hands are feather-light on your waist.

Just as silently, the moment passes, and you take one of his warm hands in yours to lead him toward the bed. He follows you without a word, then sits on the edge of the bed when you indicate for him to do so.

His eyes widen in surprise, however, when you do not join him on the bed. Instead, you kneel down at his feet, between his legs, and lean forward to press your lips against his bare chest. Lightly, with the pressure of a breath, you kiss every bruise on his body — from his collar, to his breastbone, to his ribs, to his stomach. He breathes deep and slow while you trail your lips over his skin, never flinching as you take care not to press your kisses too hard.

When you have finished with his torso, you lean back on your heels and take his hands in yours. Still, he looks down at you with such wonder, such abject shock that you are paying these careful attentions to every inch of his weary body.

He nearly shivers when you press a kiss to the tops of his hands, then each of his fingers, riddled with cuts and callouses. All you want to do is shower him with the love you feel, the love you always worry you will never have another chance to express.

Over his palms, his wrists, his sensitive inner arms with pulsing veins, you continue kissing his skin with utter softness. He raises one hand to rest on the back of your head, tangling his fingers in your hair.

Sitting up on your knees, you push yourself to be at eye level with his chest. Another brief moment of eye contact, his gaze searing into yours as your souls communicate without words — I adore you, I lay my entire life at your feet, for the rest of my life I am yours.

Then you rest your hands on his thighs, leaning forward to press your lips and tongue to his neck, right where he is most sensitive.

He does exactly what you want him to do — he shudders from head to foot and draws a quick breath, overcome by the pleasurable sensation. His hand is still gripping the back of your head, and his fingers tighten ever so slightly in your hair.

You still intend to care for his wounds, but right now, all you want him to know is how much you love him, how much you desire to pleasure him the way he always pleasures you.

Passionately, your lips move against his neck, and your whisper is so soft you wonder if he will even hear it. “Show me where it hurts,” you request. “Show me where to touch.”

He is so vulnerable for you in this moment, his body bared to you and his eyes closed, head tilted back while you explore his neck with your lips and tongue. It’s the most intimate position he can be in, with you so close to his exposed throat and heart. No one else sees him this way: no one else has his trust the way you do.

One of your hands reaches up to rest against his chest, which rises and falls more quickly as his pulse accelerates. The faster he breathes, the warmer his skin grows, and you grip his leg more firmly with your other hand.

His own larger hand falls to grip yours there. “Touch me wherever you please,” he murmurs, breathless and shivery. You are thrilled by the way he responds to you, and you can sense that this is what he needs now — to take comfort in your touch, in your love.

“I will be careful,” you promise, nuzzling his neck while your free hand rubs circles on his chest.

He moans, the softest, sweetest sound you have ever heard in your life, and he whispers, “I am at your mercy, my love.”

And, indeed, he is.

You are careful, just as you promised you would be. He seems to finally let down his guard in front of you now, to stop covering up the pain. You can sense it in his ragged breathing, his flushed skin, his faint winces when he leans forward or back slightly.

Wanting to help him release his tension but also knowing he cannot lie back or rest against the wall, you go back to your kneeling position on the floor. While he takes a deep breath, you lean forward again and touch your lips to his stomach. The muscles there are tight, but he softens and relaxes when you press kisses in a trail lower, his hips moving in an involuntary response.

You’ve reached his lower abdomen, reveling in the warmth of his skin and the pressure of his hand on the back of your head, when he stops you.

“No,” he whispers, voice hoarse with strain. A thin sheen of sweat has broken over his skin, and his eyes are glassy as he looks down at you, breathless.

You rest a hand on his waist again, stopping immediately. “Did I hurt you?” you ask softly, heart aching at the thought.

He shakes his head and closes his eyes for a moment. “No,” he assures you. “It feels so good.”

You smile at that, leaning forward to kiss your way down his torso again, but he stops you a second time.

“Not that way,” he insists, and suddenly you realize what he means. He so rarely lets you get on your knees and pleasure him — just him — without regard for yourself. He much prefers for you to reach your pleasure together, both of you achieving rapture at the same time if you can. You’ve gotten into such a rhythm now that you can manage it nearly every time.

You want to ease his pain this way, to focus only on pleasuring him, but he won’t let you — not even when he’s throbbing and aching for you so badly. You should have known he wouldn’t.

“You can’t lie on your back,” you remind him gently, enveloped by the warmth of his gaze as he frames your face with both hands. “And if you straddle me, your cuts might open again. We need to be careful.”

He smiles back at you, stroking your hair. “We will,” he promises. “Stand up.”

You do as he asks, reminding yourself that you wanted to satisfy him tonight, and if this is really what he wants, you’ll give it to him. As always, you are struck by the selflessness of his gesture — he cannot stand the thought of simply using you for his pleasure if he cannot bring the same feeling to you.

He stays seated on the edge of the bed, but he pulls you close to him with his hands on your waist. Gently, and slowly so as not to inflame the scratches on his back, he lifts the hem of your shift and helps you tug it over your head.

Undressing you himself is one of his favorite parts of lovemaking, you’ve discovered. He delights in slowly uncovering your skin night after night, baring you himself, seeing your reaction to his first touch.

A moment later, his hands are gently pressing onto your bare body, gripping your hips to pull you forward. You finally understand what position he is angling for, and you climb onto his lap with his assistance.

And thus are your next moments spent. He drags his lips over every inch of your skin he can reach — your neck, shoulders, chest, collarbones. Every sensitive spot he has memorized, he attends with his tongue. His hands are tender on your lower back while he holds you in place, smiling into your skin each time you gasp and shiver at his touches.

When he finally pauses to take a breath, you seize your opportunity and do the same to him. He shudders in your arms, nearly comes undone for you when you lean forward, touching your body gently against his.

Every breath is in rhythm with each other, every movement perfectly in sync. While you press open-mouthed kisses to the curve between his neck and shoulder, he aligns your body right where he needs you, holding your waist with his strong hands.

He sets the rhythm, and you follow his lead while he moves you back and forth — always in control, even in this position. Sometimes he winces in pain or tenses when he pushes too hard, but he never stops his pace. He leans forward occasionally to kiss your lips or neck, and you let your hands wander over his broad shoulders, his heaving chest.

Unexpectedly, just as tension begins to coil in your belly, tears spring to your eyes. Even in the heat of passion, your lover looks up into your eyes with such sweetness, such tenderness.

Sometimes his eyes flutter shut when he gasps in pleasure, but he always opens them again, fixes his gaze on you while he makes love to you.

What could be sweeter than this? you wonder. To gaze deep into one another’s eyes while you pleasure each other?

There is no shame, no apathy, no indifference. There is only love in his eyes, sheer joy at being close to you, wrapped up in your limbs and heat and affections.

It’s true intimacy, you know, to have each other’s bodies memorized, and to still be content to look so deeply into each other’s eyes.

He reaches his release first, one arm tightening around your waist. He moans again, deep in his throat, and his head naturally falls back, eyes closed, lips parted. You drag your hands through his dark hair, swipe at the sweat on his temples.

He whispers your name, once, twice, three times, opens his eyes and looks deep into yours while he tenses and relaxes in rhythm with you.

You reach your own climax a moment later, encircled firmly by his strong arms, still moving in rhythm with his body, and you only have the strength to lean forward into his embrace, your head tucked into his neck, while you breathe his name over and over.

The moment is perfect, utterly perfect, in a way that only true lovers can experience.

You are still catching your breath when he dips his head against your shoulder, still breathing deep to recover from his intense release.

“I love you,” he murmurs passionately, “with all my heart and soul.”

You try to reply in kind, but his lovemaking has left you so breathless that you can barely make a sound.

But he isn’t finished. “I am yours,” he continues, lips brushing your neck as he speaks in a voice only meant for you. “All I am and ever will be is yours.”

“I know,” you finally manage to reply, breathless and soft.

“If ever I should die without saying goodbye to you,” he whispers against your throat, “know that I died loving you with my last breath, and that your name was the last word on my tongue, and that I will wait for an eternity until my soul meets yours in the afterlife.”

If you were not already overcome by emotion before, his impassioned confession brings you nearly to sobs. Carefully, you wrap your arms around his neck and pull his body fully against yours.

“My beloved,” you whisper, and he sighs softly at your endearment. “I have nothing to give you but my heart, and it has long been yours. My every heartbeat is for you alone.”

In the wake of your passion, sharing every breath and shiver in your close embrace, your feelings seem to spill over like a waterfall, and he kisses the base of your neck to hide his own surge of emotion.

“You are my only joy,” he tells you. “My only peace. My world is cruel and dark and brutal, but your light wraps around me and gives me something to live for.”

“And you,” you say tearfully, “are the sun in my sky. You are the first ray of morning and the last ray of evening. I have no light but you.”

He rests his forehead on your neck and breathes you in deeply. “I am yours,” he repeats, softly, like a prayer. “I am only yours for the rest of my life.”

Your response is to tighten your limbs around him and rest your head against his shoulder. No more words are needed, for you both can understand each other without speaking.

And in this silence, your lonely heart is comforted, his pain is eased, and your love is only sealed further by the sweet assurance you feel in each other’s arms.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

You know you only have an hour with him, so once both of you have caught your breath and taken your fill of each other’s soothing touches, you finally disentangle yourself from him and sit down beside him on the bed.

Just as you feared, the deep claw marks on his back have reopened after your passionate lovemaking, blood trickling down his back again.

“If I thought reopening wounds could be so enjoyable,” the man tells you teasingly, “I would ask to fight a tiger every day.”

You can sense that he’s covering up his pain with the teasing tone. He is shaken — far more shaken than you have ever seen him — but he’s trying to be strong for you.

Sitting beside and slightly behind him, you are kneeling on the bed. You didn’t bother putting your clothes back on, as both of you have become so comfortable with one another that it seems to make no difference, especially since you’ve just finished making love.

Biting back the wave of emotion that threatens to overtake your words, you give a sighed laugh. “You do not need to risk your life for my attention,” you say, only half-joking. “It is yours whether you are clawed or not.”

After a brief look around the room, you find the one courtesy the gladiator school has provided your injured lover: a bottle of liniment. Fetching it from the table, you fold yourself beside him on the bed.

“Face the wall,” you instruct him softly. “I will rub this into your scratches.”

He does just as you ask without hesitation, bracing himself with one hand against the wall. You can sense the tension in his strong frame, the effort it is taking to keep from betraying how much pain he is in.

Tendrils of blood are still running down his bare back, so you first wipe away the blood with the washrag on the table. He gasps at the first touch of your hands, then relaxes a bit at the relief.

“What was the purpose of giving you ointment,” you ask lightly, trying to distract him from the pain, “if your scratches are impossible for you to reach yourself?”

He relaxes a little more, a laugh shifting his position. “Perhaps they were counting on you to be my nurse,” he replies.

You only smile at his words, rubbing the liniment onto your fingertips and beginning to apply it to his skin. The tiger’s scratches are deep, ripping his skin from corner to corner. He tries to hide his reactions, but he can’t keep from jerking a quick breath anytime you press ointment into his cuts.

“Did anyone even look at your wounds?” you ask him, still trying to keep the conversation light but edging toward sensitive territory.

He breathes, deep and slow, before answering, his voice strained. “Yes,” he murmurs. “Proximo had them examine me after he saw how much I bled. The physician said he did not need to bandage me, so he just gave me the ointment to keep infection away.”

Another gentle press of your fingers, and he arches his back slightly in pain. You’ve only just finished tending the first scratch, shoulder to hip, so you pause and lean forward to press your lips to the back of his neck. He sighs contentedly.

As much as you despise Proximo’s gladiator school and its cruel treatment of your beloved, you take a small consolation in knowing that you are the one who gets to care for his wounds.

The thought of anyone else putting their hands on him, of anyone else seeing him undress and touching his body, is distressing to you. You know he is violated in so many other ways — forced into life-or-death situations every day in the arena — but you have always taken comfort in knowing that he does not suffer at others’ hands the way you do.

You push such thoughts from your head. Right now, all you care about is that he is yours, body and soul, and that he craves your gentle touch to ease his pain.

You resume your ministrations to his back, alternating between wiping away his blood and applying the thick ointment to his scratches. He works hard to hide any pain, your only indication being his white-knuckled grip on his thighs.

“Will you be able to sleep tonight?” you ask quietly. He usually sleeps on his back, but that will be impossible until his scratches are healed.

He just nods, clenching his teeth to keep from betraying his pain. You are rubbing ointment into the last of the four cuts, and you notice that he is trembling again, probably from the pain and the exertion of trying to hide that pain.

You finish as quickly as possible, then wipe away the last of the blood from his back. Eager to comfort him somehow, you lean forward and kiss him softly on the back of his right shoulder, where there are no scratches.

The shiver that runs down his spine, and the breathless moan he elicits, are like music to your ears.

“Are you all right?” you whisper, lips brushing his skin softly.

He draws another shaky breath, nods his head. “Yes,” he murmurs. “Thank you.”

You simply lay your cheek against the back of his shoulder. You long to wrap your arms around him, to hold him close to your body and share your warmth with him, but the scratches make that impossible.

Instead, you indicate for him to turn around again, and he does so, moving slowly so as not to irritate his scratches again. When he is facing you, you begin using the washrag on some of his other injuries.

“Proximo is sending you back into the arena next week?” you ask, dabbing at the cut running down the side of his ribs.

He winces slightly but does not make a sound. “Yes. The Emperor has called for another holiday, and I will be expected to fight in the games.”

You press your lips together. His eyes have fluttered shut, and his hands are still gripping his thighs, all from the pain of you tending his wounds. You can’t imagine him being ready to fight again in only a week.

You say as much to him. “It is as though Proximo does not care whether you can lift a sword or not.”

He smiles sardonically, eyes still closed. “I finished the fight today after being clawed by a tiger,” he says lightly. “He knows I will do whatever I must to stay alive.”

You are grateful that his eyes are closed, because you can’t suppress the worry and sorrow that cross your face at his words.

Every fight brings him closer to his inevitable death, a vicious slaughter to the shouts of a fickle mob.

You bite back tears that threaten to spill over, determined not to burden him with your own pain.

“Who will tend your wounds,” you ask, “if I am not here for the next week?”

He opens his eyes at that, gazes at you deeply, as if suddenly remembering that no fights mean no nights with you.

“I do not know,” he says quietly. “It does not matter.”

It matters to me, you think, but you just give him a sad smile and continue your ministrations. Delicately, you wash the bloodied cuts that form a lattice over his neck and collarbones, then swipe the cloth over his bruises. He winces again when you press the cloth against his chest, and you reach out your free hand to steady him.

“Is it too painful?” you whisper. Your heart breaks to see him like this.

But he shakes his head, biting back the pain and smiling tightly at you. “No,” he assures you as you set the cloth aside. “You have no idea how much it means simply to be with you.”

His gaze swallows you whole, wraps you in an embrace that warms your soul. He lifts one hand to stroke the side of your face fondly, and you lean your face into his touch.

“I do,” you tell him coyly, covering up the wellspring of emotion in your chest. “Did I not just remind you that you are my one joy? My only peace?”

He drags his fingers down your jaw, your throat, the swell of your chest. His eyes follow his fingertips, and goosebumps break out over every inch of skin he brushes. A shiver runs up your spine while he traces his fingertips on your lower abdomen gently, almost without thinking.

He looks up at you through hooded eyes, his lips pulled into a smirk. “You like that?” he teases, dragging one fingertip up the center of your body.

You can’t keep from shivering again, harder this time. The pleasure you just shared with him is still fresh, your skin still sensitive.

“You know I do,” you smile, arching your back. “I live for it.”

With a smile, he tilts his head to the side and continues tracing one finger over your most sensitive areas. He seems weary, you notice, especially after making love so passionately. His attentions are languid, curious, relaxed.

When his fingertips return to your face, tracing the shape of your lips, you raise your own hand and touch his chest lightly. His skin is still warm and flushed, and you press your palm gently over his heart.

It thunders under your hand. At the contact, his eyes close for the briefest moment, his lips parting, but he opens his eyes to fix you with a heated stare.

“It beats for you,” he breathes, swept up in the moment. “Only for you.”

He lifts a hand and presses it against yours, flat against his chest, while he just looks at you with all the love and passion within. Your own heart starts pounding wildly in response, and you impulsively reach for his other hand to press it against your chest.

You sit like that together for a few beautiful moments, just enjoying the familiar rhythm of one another’s heartbeats. One day his heart will stop beating, you remember unwillingly, and you’ll be left alone.

This is the burden of loving a gladiator: never being able to enjoy your time with him fully, because you always have that knowledge in the back of your head.

You push those thoughts aside again, determined to be strong for him the way he’s strong for you.

“It will not take long,” you murmur, leaning forward to press your lips against the corner of his mouth. “You will heal quickly.”

He hums in response, fingertips still tracing quiet patterns on your bare chest. “I will heal as quickly as I can so you can return.”

“Do not risk yourself only for that,” you warn him. “I would rather wait a bit longer than have you go into the arena too soon. You have to get your strength back first.”

“You are my strength.”

Your love bows his head then, resting it on the curve of your neck so he can breathe you in. Your hour is drawing to a close, and you are reminded once again that in his moments of greatest pain and fear, he only longed to be with you.

You can feel his warm breath on your neck, his hot skin burning against yours. The pain is catching up to him, you realize, and he needs to rest now. You know this, but your heart breaks at the thought of leaving him.

“I don’t want to go,” you whisper, tears filling your eyes once again.

He swallows hard, lifting his hand to cup your jaw. He’s still nuzzling your neck, as though basking in your warmth for the last time. “Beloved,” he whispers back, and his voice breaks, and you know that this time you have shared is different, more painful, more precious for both of you.

If only the rest of the world could see the Spaniard this way — completely vulnerable, intimately surrendered to the one he loves.

You trace careful fingertips over his shoulder, down his strong arm, then over his ribs, his waist, while he nestles his face against your neck. You wish you could hold him and comfort him all night, reassure him of your love every moment.

But the guard pounds on the door just then, signaling that your time is over.

He grips your jaw a little tighter, presses a soft kiss to your shoulder, then releases you. If the look in his eyes is anything to judge by, he feels the same bereavement at your parting that you do.

You dress in silence, motioning for him to stay on the bed and not aggravate his claw marks. He watches you thoughtfully, transfixed by every movement as you put your clothes back on.

“Will you send me word?” you ask him quickly, in a hushed voice. “If your injuries worsen, I mean? Or if anything happens?”

His smile is faint, pained, but grateful. “Yes.”

“And you will not rush Proximo to put you back in the arena? You will wait until you are healed?”

“I will.”

You’re dressed now, just lingering because you don’t want to go. The guard pounds the door a second time, but you just can’t tear yourself away.

Taking a quick step forward, you stand before your love, cradle his face in your hands. You press a kiss to his forehead, and when you straighten, he is looking up at you with the sweetest eyes you have ever seen.

His gaze is one of peace, and contentment, and adoration, and tenderness, and longing, and a thousand other soft emotions that he only shows to you.

He tilts his head to the side, kisses your inner wrist as you caress his face.

The door slams open, and the guard loudly informs you that your time is up, but Maximus just holds his lips against your wrist for one more moment, feeling your pulse as it races at his touch.

Then he is releasing you, and you are walking backwards to the door, and even as the door shuts, you can read the message in his eyes.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

More of my fanfiction if you're so inclined :)

#just in case anyone wants to know what's going through my mind at any given moment of the day #maximus my one true love the king of my heart the light of my life #he is everything plus everything to me #oh to be the one to care for his wounds #oh to be the one to reassure him of my love and bring him peace in such a terrible time #the way i love this man isn't normal #i hope that love is obvious in this fic :)#i certainly meant it as an ode to him #gladiator #maximus #maximus decimus meridius #gladiator 2000 #russell crowe #fanfiction #gladiator fanfiction #maximus x reader #maximus decimus meridius x reader #my fanfiction

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rhenysz · 1 year ago

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Your dead eyes

Prologue

Summary: Lifeless eyes were what haunted you all your life, many people say that death was lurking around your eyes, maybe it's true. Maybe you just see things that other people don't.

Pairing: Azriel x Archeron!reader fem.

A/n: I'm very excited, I had this idea in my head for a year and it's finally going in the right direction. English is NOT my native language so I asked an AI for a little help, please if you see something wrong let me know! I'm also very insecure about this, I hope you can read it. Good reading.

*I kept switching between Y/n and You, I'm confused about what to use.*

Word count : 2.1k

Warnings: Nothing yet

The cold wind cut through the entire house; the windows, made of old and worn wood, could no longer contain the icy air. Each breath was held to alleviate the hunger sensation that coated your stomach.

Stay strong. That was all that echoed in your troubled mind as your dull eyes aimlessly wandered through the house. Yoir hands were clasped together, trying to gather as much warmth as possible near the fireplace where Nestha had seated her on a rickety chair with numbered days.

Your sister stood by yor side, posture resembling that of a true queen, a face sculpted in marble, pure disgust in her eyes for the man seated next to her. While Nesta displayed her discontent with their father, you preferred to pretend that his existence was null.

"Feyre." Elain's soft, hushed voice made her turn her head towards the sharp creak of the door. There was Feyre, the youngest of the three but older than you. "Where did you get this?" Hunger was so intense that Elain didn't even inquire about the blood covering her sister or the apparent fatigue on her face. Only pure interest.

"Where do you think I got it?" Her sharp words in her hoarse voice did nothing to diminish Elain's widened eyes, directed at the deer carcass in her arms.

"Will it take long for you to clean it?"Not her not Nestha, and certainly not Y/n – only Feyre. Taking a deep breath, you stood up, feeling for the chair and taking slow steps toward Feyre, but stopped upon hearing her father's rough and worn voice.

"Feyre, how lucky you were today to bring us such a feast." Nesta by her side only chuckled maliciously, as she did at any word that came out of the man's mouth. Pure scorn.

You extended your hands to find the worn table where Feyre had placed the deer. Feyre, your sweet Fey, straightened her back while casting a brief glance at Nesta and then focused her young and tired eyes on you.

"Hungry?" with pale and cracked lips, Feyre asked, a hint of a smile appearing. Your lifeless eyes sparkled for a second, your dry lips parting in a half-smile.

"And when am I not?" It should have sounded like a joke, but it wasn't. It was the reality. There were nights when you lay next to Feyre, praying to anyone who would listen, begging that tomorrow would be another day they'd go to sleep with full or at least not starving stomachs.

Feyre laughed humorlessly at the miserable situation they found themselves in; her little sister didn't deserve to live with the uncertainty of tomorrow – whether they would go hungry or cold.

Pressing your lips together, you reached out to Feyre, who quickly grabbed your hands, bringing them to her face. Your warm and gentle hands traced the contour of her lips, feeling the cracks, moving to her forehead, running her thumbs there and applying gentle pressure to her temples. Feyre nestled her face in your warm hands and let out a relieved sigh; Y/n had magical hands.

"Come on, Feyre, you need to rest." You was concerned for your older sister. Even though you couldn't help Feyre with hunting, you tried to provide relief in other ways. Silly as it may be, at the end of the day, the moment Feyre looked forward to the most was when Y/n would gift her with your those sweet hands – be it on her shoulders, back, or neck. Anything was wonderful for her tense muscles.

Feyre let out a long sigh she didn't know she was holding and, with tenderness, kissed the palms of your hands to move them away from your face, already missing your sister's touch. "Later, we need to eat." Feyre looked around and frowned. "Where's the firewood?".

You mumbled in discontent, letting your arms fall to your sides. You turned your head shyly in another direction because, even without seeing, you could feel Feyre's questioning eyes. "I tried to make her chop wood, but…"

Nesta, who was cleaning her nails, stopped and looked at both of them."I hate chopping wood. I always end up with splinters."

You shrugged with your older sister's voice. Nesta always missed the opportunity to stay silent. "Besides, Feyre, you're much better at it than I am."

Feyre gritted her teeth, making an unpleasant noise that assaulted your ears. Desperate to end the tension, you reached for Feyre's tattered clothes and pulled like a child trying to get their mother's attention."Tomorrow morning, I'll do it myself, Fey." You couldn't. It was easier for you to cut off your fingers than to hit the wood accurately, and both Feyre and Nesta knew that.

"No."

The voices of your older sisters were firm in denying you. Closing your eyes, you sighed. It has always been like that. Every time you offered to help with something around the house, you were turned down and scolded. You may be blind, but you were not defenseless, even though chopping wood may not be your strong suit.

"I'll chop, and you stay here." safe,Nesta wanted to continue, but the word got stuck in her throat, leaving a bitter taste in her mouth. Since when did this cabin guarantee any safety?

Dinner was silent, only the noise of utensils and chewing, occasionally interrupted by Elain trying to start a conversation about how cold it was that morning or how nice it would be to have a new blanket to ward off the cold winds.

When dinner was over, Feyre delicately took your arm and led her to the room they shared, seating her on the bed while changing her ragged clothes for potentially cleaner ones.

"How is my drawer?" With your head tilted, your voice cut through the silence with the question. When it was just the two of them alone, it was easier; there were no constant quarrels between Feyre and Nesta, and, as cruel as it may be, there was no Elain. It was just the two of them in their little happy world.Feyre threw herself on the bed next to you, releasing the air from her lungs, and turned her face to admire her sister's gentle profile.

"Missing ink to finish." Feyre then looked at the drawer and described it with the utmost care so that her sister could visualize it. "There are two spirals in white, one descending and one ascending on opposite sides, looking like smoke perhaps. Also, there are two stars on each side with some smaller ones around."

The younger one hummed in agreement and opened the blanket to lie down, making room for Feyre to lie down too. Facing each others you felt safe, the love they had for each other creating a warm and cozy atmosphere even with the wind making the roof tiles roar.Running your tongue over your lips and trembling your eyes, you timidly asked, "And me? How am I?"

Opening a wide smile, Feyre pulled you into her arms and showered your head with several joyous kisses, eliciting laughter from the younger one. "You look wonderful, Y/n."

In the best of words, at least for Feyre, Y/n was gentle, not a naive and immature gentleness, but a softness that made her seem wise and older. Someone she could whisper her secrets to, tell jokes in her ear that were often so bad they made them laugh until their stomachs hurt, and then warm up in the cozy embrace of her little sister.

"Turn around." Y/n lightly pushed Feyre's shoulder, indicating she should let her go. Groaning, Feyre accepted defeat and did as her sister requested. Massage time.Sitting on the bed, your hands pressed on Feyre's shoulders, easing the tense muscles.

Feyre murmured, "Oh my..." You chuckled quietly, proud to offer your sister a bit of relief. Then, still somewhat distracted, Feyre muttered again, "I killed a wolf."

Your hand recoiled, and her dull eyes widened.

"You what?"

The next morning, Feyre and the other sisters had already left for the village with the wolf's leather to sell, while you stayed home with your father.

"How about gloves?" Feyre asked, singing with bright eyes, like a little puppy.

"No. I want nothing for myself. Go and buy yourself something and please," You exhaled and squeezed between your eyes, "don't let Elain sway you with her complaints."

Feyre's shoulders slumped in defeat, and she nodded, but soon verbalized her response for you to understand."Alright... no gloves then."

The day passed painfully slowly with no one to entertain her. Your father was not the most suitable for such a task and seemed content to sit by the fireplace with the wood Nesta had chopped, after much fuss.Despite all her strong personality, Nesta was great for you, in her own way, but she was a great older sister for you.

The day passed slowly . Your sisters returned in the early evening, and despite all of Y/n protests and grumbles, Feyre gifted her with a small object.

"A hairpin?" You asked with a faltering voice. "Fey..." a pout formed on your lips, and your eyebrows furrowed.

"It was cheap! And I couldn't resist; it was calling to me and saying so enchantingly," Feyre held her sister's face and continued with a laugh, "take me, take me, I would look beautiful in your sister's hair. Convincing, isn't it?"

"Not at all."

Feyre threw your head back and laughed."Well, I thought so. Now stay still for me."

Wrinkling her nose at the veiled order, you obeyed your sister. You disjointed thoughts ceased as you felt Feyre's fingers pulling a strand of your hair and securing it with the hairpin. "A little snowflake lost in your golden curls."

The rest of the afternoon went well, or well enough for another normal day. Y/n spent most of the time with Nesta, listening to your older sister murmur the same story from her old and worn-out book for the umpteenth time.

At dinner, Feyre joined you at the table, enjoying her warm presence and casual conversations.

A deafening roar cut through the conversations, and the sound of the door being brutally ripped off its hinges made your bones tremble along with the walls of the house. Fear flooded you in a petrifying way, turning you legs into jelly.

"ASSASSINS!"

The creature's voice dripped with cruelty and rage. Slim hands grabbed your shoulders and pushed your body toward the wall opposite the voice. Elain crouched with you, holding you in her chest, pressing your ears protectively to muffle the voices.

Being blind was never something you resented; there was no reason to lament something nature decided before was born. But in that moment, in that peculiar situation you found herself in, all you wanted to do was see. See who was directing such anger at your sister, see Feyre's bravery confronting something immensely more powerful than her, and see the exact moment your other half was taken away from you.

You shouted for your sister, shouted until yor voice became hoarse and worn out, shouted until you succumbed to exhaustion, and when you had no more strength, you lamented being the only one who remembered your sister.

Time was relative with Feyre's absence. Some days passed quickly with a good pastime, while others dragged painfully. There were also days when neither happened, and those were the worst.

On those days, you could hear Elain babbling throughout the house about her engagement, Nesta commanding the house – no longer falling apart – like a general, and, worst of all, you could hear the damn noise of that fancy cane you got from your older sister.

"I don't need this." Nesta frowned at the denial, considering it childish.

"Others will ask, and I don't want anyone looking at us like we're animals because you're clinging to the walls to walk," though her words were cruel, Nesta stood firm in her point.

You pressed your lips into a thin line, you fists clenched the white silk dress that adorned your body, baring your teeth like an animal, you snarled, "I'll use it outside. Inside, I refuse."

It didn't happen. You was indirectly forced to use that piece of wood inside the house as well. The servants whispered malice when they saw you hitting the new furniture; the number of bruises you gained while trying to memorize the house left you worse than a bruised tomato, and you didn't want others to think you suffered abuse from your's sisters.

In addition to the obvious discontent with the cane, you also hated the balls; that's where most comments about her condition happened. It was so funny and miserable how men and women made remarks about your blindness.

A compliment that quickly came with a false pity for you, and you unfortunate disability – "It's truly a shame such a beautiful face is wasted."

Hypocrites.

You would bet a finger that those who judged you were as horrible as the monsters Feyre invented for you.

Feyre...

#azriel x reader #acotar x reader #azriel x you #azriel shadowsinger #azriel acotar #feyre archeron #nestha archeron #elain archeron #fluff #angst #eventual smut #eventual romance #azriel #azriel x y/n #~rhenysz #Archeron!reader #nesta archeron

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headkiss · 1 year ago

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annaaa im rewatching cm again and reentering my hotch phase and u are my ultimate favorite hotch writer so may i please beg for something sweet with him? maybe like making dinner or doing some other activity together? of course this is totally absolutely no pressure at all thank u i love u <33

kait my love angel bae i am so honoured to be ur fav hotch writer 😭🫶 this one’s for u and i hope u like it!!! | 0.6k of fluff

Aaron can hear you moving about in the kitchen when he gets home.

It’s something he’s had a hard time getting used to, the intimacy of it all. The sound of pots clanging and spoons scraping dishes as you stir things. It’s the reminder of having someone there, of never really being alone. Sure, he’s not used to it, but he wouldn’t have it any other way.

He’s good at being quiet, has to be for his job, so he shuts the door softly behind him and toes off his shoes. Sneaking down the hall, he spots you through the doorway of the kitchen, your hair up, back of your neck exposed.

Hotch leans a shoulder against the doorframe and watches you cook for a little, the stress of the day sort of melting away as he does.

You only catch him when you turn around, jumping and dropping the spoon you’d been holding onto the counter. “Aaron!” His name is dragged out in a whine, “you’ve gotta stop doing that.”

“Watching you cook?”

“Using your agent feet on me.”

He huffs a laugh at that one, a smile spreading over his face freely the way they seem to spread around you.

“Whatcha making?”

“Just some pasta. You wanna help?”

You offer him an apron, the neck dangling from your fingertips. Aaron takes it easily, tossing it over his button up that he’d worn to work. It’s a funny juxtaposition, the crisp state of his shirt and the stained canvas he wears over it.

“Where do you want me, chef?”

Whenever Aaron’s gone, you tend to worry and worry. That he’ll get hurt, that he’ll get tired of juggling you and his work. Then, he comes home to you, putting on your apron without complaining, and you’re not so worried anymore, because it makes sense. Having him beside you makes sense.

You grin at him over your shoulder, now turned back to the boiling water on the stove, “there’s some veggies in the fridge if you wanna cut those?”

“‘Course.”

As he walks behind you to get to the fridge, he pauses to push a kiss into the side of your neck, his arms weaving around your waist. You lean into his touch like an instinct, like there’s a string that shortens whenever he’s near, tugging the two of you towards each other.

You’re lucky to get him this way. Where everyone else sees Hotch, you only see Aaron.

Conversation comes easy as you cook together, Hotch getting a cutting board and setting himself up at the counter next to the stovetop. Not the most functional spot, but it’s the one closest to you, so he chooses it anyway.

Aaron’s not one to open up quickly. He doubts himself, questions whether he’ll be too much for the other person, worries that they’ll get fed up with his scattered schedule and leave. And then he met you and things were different.

He’d had to cancel your second date because of a case, and you’d barely blinked, telling him on the phone that the anticipation will only make it so much better, that it isn’t his fault and you’d be there when he got back. You said all of the right things and he sent you flowers and that was the start of the best thing that’s ever happened to him.

Now, you live together and your toothbrushes share the same countertop and it might not be perfect all of the time but it’s as close as possible, he thinks.

“Hey. Try this for me?” You’re holding out a spoon, a little bit of pasta sauce on the end, your free hand cupped underneath it to catch any that might fall. “Please?”

You never need to say please with him, Aaron thinks, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t like the way it sounds in your voice.

He leans towards you, bending to taste what you’re offering him.

“It’s perfect, sweetheart.”

Hotch isn’t lying, but even if it wasn’t perfect, he’d still tell you it was. If only to see the way your face lights up with your smile, the way you bounce a little on your feet.

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dollwrites · 1 year ago

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— ⟡ dizzy drabbles disclaimer !!

all dizzy drabbles are written when i am extremely high ( or, dizzy ) and they don’t contain a trigger warnings list. if there’s no indication by the request, you can assume that the fic is nsfw + probably dark-leaning, if not blatantly dark. noncon, dub con, and other triggering content may be present, read with caution ( enjoy your experience <3 )

just think about being femto’s chosen pet.

a hawk that should’ve been sacrificed with the others, and yet you lived. your former leader, the same as your former lover, was gone and in his place stood a looming, dark winged angel of death. however, a soulless crimson gaze remains fixed on you for what seems like hours and hours. clawed hands wrapped around the large, domed cage he’s trapped you in, as if he wants nothing more than to rip the door off and grab you.

at first, you cried and beg to be freed. you call his name in desperate shrieks. “Griffith, please! Let me out!” but, eventually, you realize that it will do no good.

femto has no reaction to your begs for mercy. he is stoic and silent, with ever-watching eyes that follow your every move. he doesn’t try to stop you from pulling at the bars- no, bones, of your cage. oh no, femto reaches his shiny, black arm into your cage, sharp claws extended, grasping for you.

though, of course, you stumble to the back wall of the cage, it is nowhere near big enough to hide from him. you turn your face, feeling the very tips of his claws, like daggers, drag along the fleshiest section of your cheek. you whine at the sensation, certain that if he applied any pressure at all, his claws would pierce your cheek. one, large thumb hooks against your jaw, pulling your face back towards him. you squint, but your body is too weak to fight against his command, and with a small sound of protest, you look up at him. he towers over your cage by at least a full head and shoulders, but his face is leaned so close to the bars that it is nearly pressed against it— his feline eyes pinned out. he looked like a beast, and you were almost surprised that he didn’t snort like one. but, you’d noticed, that femto’s chest didn’t rise and fall with breath, at all.

his obsidian talons scrape along the shape of your jaw, his thumbnail dragging against your trembling, lower lip. you wonder, as you cower in front of this demon king, if there’s a single inkling of Griffith left within him. did he, somehow, recall the taste of the lips that he touched, now? there was a glittering possibility in his eyes. as if he were deep in thought as they focused on your lips. however, his pupils started to dilate the lower his gaze, and his claws, traveled. tearing open your top with ease— as if shredding old parchment.

your chest heaved, up and down with ragged breathing as you whined and begged him under your breath not to hurt you, but he wasn’t listening. by the time his massive palm envelopes your bare breast, his pupils were so blown out that they possessed the entire eye, making them abysmal pools of wicked intent. he teases your taut nipple with his thumb and forefinger, squeezing experimentally before the sharp end of the nails poke and prod at the bud, causing you to squirm and pant, nervous. they nick your flesh, whether he means to or not, and a thin stream of rubies drip from your chest, running down the length of your belly. you gasp, and try once again to recoil from him, but the closer you press yourself into the opposite side of the cage, the closer he leans, until his body is up against the bone bars, and they creak from his weight.

“Don’t… touch…” you whisper, desperately, but it’s much too late. closing your eyes as you feel his cruel fingers tread lower, smearing your own blood into your skin before they delve between your quivering legs. you try to close them, but even his fingers are too strong to defy, and they press against your tender button hard. “A-agh!” you’re forced to bite back the sound of discomfort, the tips of his talons scoring at your most vulnerable core, the slick pads of his fore and middle finger pushing at your nether lips to spread your pussy open. your thighs, shaking but wide, do little to cover the full view of your cunt to the monster, whose smile is faint, and his tongue flicks at his own, vermilion lips. with the length of his ring finger, he rubs between your folds, pulled apart to grant him the access that he wants, and you feel the pressure from every inch of his long, thick digit. “M-monster…”

it doesn’t seem to bother him. in fact, you wonder if he even heard you. his eyes glued to your cunt, his finger rubbing from your clit to your hole, that clenches unwilling at the rough treatment. you hate that your clit swells and throbs against his finger, and that when he realizes, he focuses all of the pressure there, until you’re moaning and squirming, with tears in your eyes.

you don’t want it to feel good, but it does.

you don’t want to cum, but you do.

and you don’t want that to seal your fate as femto’s fragile, little fuckdoll. but it does.

#doll’s dizzy drabblin’ ⟡#femto #femto x reader #femto x you #femto smut #femto berserk #berserk griffith #griffith berserk #griffith smut #griffith x reader #griffith imagine #berserk x reader #berserk x you #berserk #berserk smut

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izvmimi · 5 months ago

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cw: pseudocest. implied one-sided love triangle. reader is technically a silva. yandere undertones.

As in every royal family, secrets abound, some out in the open whether by force or by inevitably, like the fact that you may or may not be your father’s child, and that as a result you may not be a true royal, nor a true Silva, and others more well-kept, somehow even more scandalous.

Like the fact that your purported first cousin by murky blood is in love with you.

“Noelle will wonder where I am, Nozel,” you murmur. It’s late evening in Spring, and you’ve come back to the estate on his request for a ‘family meeting.’ By now, the four main Silva children have grown up, Nozel the oldest and head of the family, now in his early 30s and yet to marry, and as such the differences that marked growing up have now resolved. You’ve been raised in and out of their home due to your father’s inability to parent without the help of a madam, and his unwillingness to marry someone that wasn’t your mother, so naturally, you found your way back here with Noelle. Emotional support never hurts, and you love your cousin dearly.

However, this part of any interaction with this - your - family is hardest to navigate - the fact that Nozel has wanted you for many years, and now has become bold enough to pressure you to marry him.

“But you agree that it looks bad that I’ve remained single all this time,” Nozel states. You look up at him, holding in your desire to roll your eyes before letting out a sigh. The two of you are caught up in a hallway, far from the main wing where dinner had been served, far from prying eyes. You often end up like this these days, him far too deep into your space, his face leaned into yours, that stupid front facing braid close enough that it practically grazes your nose.

“Not as bad as marrying your first cousin,” you remind him.

He rolls his eyes.

“Everyone knows that that cannot possibly be true.” He steps back, and crosses his arm. “Whatever Uncle insisted on is quite silly, I don’t understand why he was so desperate to refuse to admit that you are but his stepdaughter. We would not have treated you any differently-” he starts, but you scoff, covering your mouth with your handkerchief.

“You failed to treat your actual sister well and you dare project the illusion of fairness?”

Nozel’s pale violet eyes narrow, and you look away. You don’t know if you’ll ever stand up to him - it’s been possibly 15 years since the first time you were brought into the Silva family, holding your father’s hand at the doorstep. Nozel had looked at you with so much contempt, that your 8 year old self wondered if you were dirty or particularly hideous, while Noelle had immediately taken your hand, grin wide before she was practically dragged away by her siblings. What irony is it today that even if he’s spared you today, you can still remember him forcing your chin steady and kissing you just weeks ago, confirming your long-held suspicions that he was really crazy enough to do it.

To try to own you completely.

“Do you have better options, ___?” he asks.

You’re not too old to find a suitor, even if the search has not started for you, but you know that’s not what he means. You would be hard pressed to find a man of similar rank, intelligence, beauty or magic ability, and the two of you are well aware of this fact. Even if someone were to object to your union on the basis of close parentage, your father cannot stop him from beyond the grave, and the kingdom may speak, but ultimately no one could truly prevent your union.

Except you, technically, but at times, you wonder if you even really have a choice.

“I don’t, but I would like to continue to have some time to follow my dreams.”

Nozel offers you a small smile, his hand finding its way onto your right cheek and caressing it. “I’m quite delighted you have your own dreams.”

You don’t like the way he says that, and as his hand falls gently from your cheek to his side, you understand that the implication is that of a father entertained by his child’s dream of becoming a dolphin. Ridiculous.

“If you are concerned about Noelle’s whereabouts, I’ll leave you to go find her,” he says, now letting his hands rest behind him, and changing the subject. Where he’s touched you is still asymmetrically warm, as though you can feel all 5 fingers, as though he’s marked you as his. You remember braiding Noelle’s hair in between your legs at age 14, and her 11, and him appearing to watch the two of you for far too long. You’d thought the psychological protective barrier you had around “talentless” Noelle is what repelled Solid and Nebra whenever you came around and fascinated Nozel, but there was something else entirely.

As Nozel leaves you to ponder this not-quite marriage proposal, you shudder. You take a few steps down the hallway to find the banquet room, then slowly find yourself sinking to the ground.

Your legs are shaking, not from fear per se, not from desire either (although logically it’s not unfathomable that you could ever grow to like or even love him) but out of a sheer understanding that your life could so easily begin and end with him in just a few short years.

Your time with the Black Bulls may have spoiled you these last several years, offering you freedom you’ve never had with the Silva family. It’s helped both you and Noelle grow, and while Noelle is no longer under the thumb of her siblings due to her immense power and indomitable spirit, you are simply not as strong as her, nor do you have the advantage of legitimate birth into royalty no matter how much your father tried to give it to you out of respect and adoration of your mother.

You are far more at Nozel’s mercy than you would like to be. To think all these years you spent protecting that little girl, only to find out that she was far more safe than you’d ever be.

Do you have better options?

On paper, no, not a chance in hell. In your heart, possibly.

Before that smile can come to mind, you shake it out of your head and scramble to your feet, Noelle rushing down to find you.

“Gosh, where the hell have you been? We need to leave this place, I don’t even know why I bothered coming,” she starts. It was a show of kindness, but she’s naturally lost interest. Her purple eyes scan to you a little too long, and you force a smile to dispel your unrest. She cannot see it. You’ve hidden the way he looks at you for this many years, no need to reveal everything now.

You don’t want to spend any time explaining your predicament, not to her, not to the Black Bulls.

Not to…

“Asta was hoping we’d meet up with him and Luck and Magna in an hour. What do you think?” she asks. Then quickly, her face turns red and she rephrases herself, as she’s done for years. “Not that it matters that much, you know. I don’t care what he thinks at all! I’m actually considering not going.”

You smile.

“Let’s go.”

You take her hand, and you are young kids again, and like a child, dirty laundry ceases to be your responsibility.

For now.

#asta x reader #nozel silva x reader #nozel x reader #cw pseudocest #black clover x reader #daydreams: black clover #mimi's notes

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pastshadows · 1 year ago

Text

Shadows of the Past

Chapter 7: Complications Abound

Summary: After a year of blissful cohabitation, Astarion disappears without a trace, leaving behind a heartfelt letter explaining his departure. Determined to find him, you traverse Faerûn in search of your lost love, only to realize that some absences are meant to be permanent.

Returning to Waterdeep, you find solace in the company of Gale as you come to terms with Astarion's absence. But just as you begin to heal, Astarion reappears, begging for a second chance at love.

The question looms: can you forgive his abandonment and trust him once more? As you grapple with your emotions and trauma, a sinister force lurks in the shadows, targeting you for unknown reasons.

With danger closing in, you must navigate the treacherous waters of trust, love, and betrayal to uncover the truth behind the mysterious entity's motives. Will you be able to reunite with Astarion while facing the demons of your past? Can you unravel the secrets that threaten your very existence?

Setting: Post End-Game. Mostly canon compliant.

Word Count: 6.7K

Content: Explicit 18+ - intended for mature audiences.

Warnings: [Additional tags will be added, but expect mature content / read at your own risk.]

Spoilers. Mentions of in-game missable content. Violence. Sexual Assault [Implied/attempted sexual assault: Chapter 7]. Past Trauma. Murder. Death. Longing. Sexual themes. Smut. Blood drinking. Angst. Innuendos. High use of sarcasm. Completely fabricated camp interactions.

** Warning ** This chapter contains implied/attempted sexual assault. Please be careful and read at your own risk.

The Sussur Bloom’s glow pours like a phosphorescent waterfall over the delicate blue petals. You can taste the honey-sweet aroma of the flower suspended in the air.

You observe it acutely, trying to figure out where the boundary of its effect terminates.

Aldous grins deplorably, “You would not believe how much this cost to procure.”

Does he think that will impress me?

Drawing in a deep breath, you calm your rampaging heart and swallow the terror balled in your throat.

Adorning your face with an overtly sweet, innocent smile, you summon every snippet of charisma you possess, “A beautiful flower indeed.”

“Not half as beautiful as my current company,” Aldous winks.

Ew.

“Where is your father?” your eyes flash around, assessing the surroundings for advantages you may be able to exploit, “I believe he should join us.”

“Father is away on business. He will not be participating in this discussion tonight.”

Convenient.

“Perhaps we should postpone this little discourse until your father returns.”

Aldous ignores you, “Did you know that the Sussur Bloom nullifies all magic in its vicinity? A useful item against an ornery sorceress.”

“Aldous…”

“Ah, ah, ah,” he sneers, wagging his finger at you, “You will give me the respect I am due.”

HA! A ludicrous notion.

You clench your teeth so hard that the nerves sing, “Saer, I’d like to-”

“Where is the man who was with you?” Aldous cuts you off, “The Elf.”

The door lock clicks, and you nearly wince, but you keep your illusion of poise intact. A grin slinks across Aldous’s lips as he stalks toward you.

“There was no other Elf. You were roaring drunk.”

He chuckles sinisterly, “You may have been able to pull the wool over my father's eyes, but I am not so easily fooled.”

The distance between you and Aldous recedes as he continues his menacing approach. You take wary steps backward, striving to retain as much space as possible.

The poorly lit gloom only deepens as you’re pressured further to the rear of the shop.

Glancing at the door behind Aldous, you concentrate on the stained-glass window. Daylight is fading fast. You silently rejoice and then scold yourself harshly for it.

I shouldn’t be counting on Astarion to save me.

You soak your voice in your most persuasive, candied inflection, “We can sort this little mishap out. There’s no need to involve anyone else.”

“Who is he?!” Aldous rasps.

Anger. A weakness I can exploit.

“No one.”

“Don’t play dull, Sorceress. I will pry it out of you one way or another.”

“I don’t know who you’re talking about,” you smirk patronizingly, “It seems you’re seeing ghosts. Perhaps a visit to a healer is in order?”

Aldous growls threateningly at your taunting. His teeth scour together harshly, sending shivers rushing up your spine, making your stomach reel and pitch.

“He means much to you,” he sneers, “You protect him by putting yourself in harm’s way,” Aldous’s finger taps his chin, “I can’t help but wonder why he would let you come alone. Perhaps you don’t mean as much to him as he does to you.”

“Perhaps,” you shrug, “I don’t."

“You shouldn’t settle for that, Sorceress.”

This little shit dares scold me?

“As if I care what you think.”

“You deserve someone like me,” his hand comes to his puffed-up chest arrogantly, “prestigiously bred of noble blood, wealthy, handsome, and influential. Someone who can provide you with a life of luxury.”

“Gods, you sicken me.”

Aldous places the Sussur Bloom on a table behind him, but close enough that you are within the negating influence.

His face burns red, brows pinched in a nightmarish scowl, “You’re going to have a very miserable night then.”

“If you fucking touch me, I will kill you.”

Not a threat, a fucking promise.

“You’re all bark and no bite without your magic. I will take my apology in whatever form I choose.”

Your stomach warps nauseatingly, and you swallow the bile that soars into your throat.

Grabbing the hidden dagger in your boot, you swipe at Aldous frantically, grazing a weeping cut across his pudgy stomach.

Aldous lunges at you with a howl, grabbing your arm and twisting it, slamming it hard against the corner of a towering bookcase. The dagger rattles to the floor, and Aldous kicks it away swiftly.

“You miserable swine!” he barks, eyes savage and enraged.

Aldous pins you to the bookcase with a bruising grip. His chest puts so much pressure on yours that the air you inhale whines when drawn into your constricted lungs.

Gods, please, just a little longer.

Aldous wrenches at the high collar of your robe, and a snarling shriek tears from your throat. His forehead slams into your face, cutting off your scream.

Pain causes a disorienting parade of light to erupt behind your eyes, and your lip swells and aches furiously. The sharp, ferrous tang of blood coats your tongue.

You spit, and red-tinged droplets splatter across Aldous’s face, “I should have killed you.”

“My, my, what's this on your neck?” he snickers while eyeing the bite mark marring your flesh, “If you like to be bitten, all you had to do was ask nicely. I would have happily obliged.”

Your stomach churns with the insinuation. You yearn to see the little worm beg and plead for you to spare his life."

Pale hands rip Aldous backward.

Astarion’s voice resounds in the dark, “I hear you like to bite, but do you like to be bitten?”

Aldous shrieks as sharp fangs sink into the supple flesh of his neck. You stand, a wicked smile on your face, watching the life slowly drain from Aldous’s eyes.

You could ask Astarion to stop. You could spare the feeble runt his life. You could, but you don’t.

I was never a hero.

Astarion releases him when his eyes are dull and listless, and Aldous’s body crumbles to the floor.

The door creaks unexpectedly, making you jump, and you grasp at the intrinsic magic usually ever-present, only to find a yawning void.

Right. Where is that godsdamned flower?

Gale jogs in, huffing harshly out of breath. Eyeing the Sussur Bloom sitting innocently on the table, you throw it down and grind it to nothing but a blue paste smeared across the floor with your boot.

Astarion and Gale study you with apprehension as if worried you may buckle and break apart. You cross your arms and frown at them.

How soft do they think I am?

“I don’t need mollycoddling like a spoon-fed babe,” you tut, clearly vexed, “What are we going to do about him?”

Gale’s fingers his chin, “This will certainly complicate things.”

“I will handle this,” Astarion concludes.

“No,” you stammer, “I can help.”

Astarion shakes his head, “You and Gale go for a lovely, very long, relaxing night stroll. Greet, chat, mingle with everyone you see, stop at a pub and drink; I care not, just make sure you are seen far from here.”

Gale nods, “We must set the lanceboard in our favour, so to speak. Astarion can handle this. This is hardly the first body he’s had to make disappear.”

Astarion smirks, “Far from it.”

“I could simply set this whole place ablaze,” you muse.

An excuse, more than anything, to see this place eradicated from existence.

Gale pales, “Burn all these books?”

Astarion snickers and sighs dramatically, “Truly, darling, did you not consider the books?!”

You roll your eyes, “They would make for fine kindling.”

Gale mumbles, mouth agape, “How unseemly.”

Astarion giggles at the ill-humoured scowl darkening Gale’s face before looking at you, “Still that twitchy palm of yours. Nothing screams guilty like a raging, fiery inferno.”

“I suppose you are the expert in these matters, Astarion.”

“Oh,” he grins, “Please do continue showering me with your praises.”

“Good Gods,” Gale grumbles, “We should not linger, my friend.”

“Fine,” you throw your hands up, exasperated, “I will spare the damn books.”

Astarion snaps his fingers, “Gale, the scroll, if you please.”

The scroll?

You cock your brow at him. Astarion unrolls the scroll, recites the incantation, and it vanishes.

The swell and tender ache in your lower lip dissipates. Astarion pulls a handkerchief out and wipes the leftover drops of blood from your chin that had dribbled down from the split in your lip.

“Good as new,” he purrs, but there is concern laden in his eyes.

“Your incantations need work,” you tease to relieve Astarion’s anxiety.

He grins but clicks his tongue in disapproval, “As do your manners, it seems.”

Gale weaves you through small, dim alleys and paths while avoiding the populace until you’re far from the shop.

Once you can return to the main thoroughfare, Gale skillfully greets passersby, striking up mundane conversations to ensure you’re noticed and seen.

Neither Gale nor you speak of what happened until you’re safely back in the manor.

“Fuck,” your fingers wrack through your hair, “I’m so sorry, Gale.”

“You need not be,” Gale squeezes your shoulder, “I’m just glad you’re alright.”

“We need a plan.”

Run. Run. Run. Take Astarion and run - your mind chants.

Hells. My inclination toward avoidance has gotten out of hand.

Gale pats your arm, “What have we always done?”

“Outflank. Outsmart,” you echo his words.

“Spot on,” he grins, “We can delve further into the particulars come morning.”

“You’re right,” you take a calming breath, “I think that’s about enough excitement for today.”

“You have a strange notion of excitement, my friend,” Gale chuckles, “Now if you will excuse me, I am in dire need of a bath. Hells. That vampiric bastard can move swiftly. Perhaps I have gotten indolent in retirement.”

After bathing and changing, you sit on your bed and stare at the unfilled space beside you. Just this morning, you had awoken in Astarion’s room, and your eyes overindulged on the sight of him still peacefully at rest.

Can I go back to resting and waking up alone again? Moreover, do I want to?

No.

Your heart whimpers in your chest at the concept, sinking into your stomach with a quiver. The battle between your fearfulness and what you want continues to war on. Everything you crave is situated on the other side of your doubt.

Why do you keep yourself seated in the dark abyss you retreated to when he left when the light is right in front of you, and all you have to do is walk into it?

I’m still running.

Coward.

Reprimanding yourself for being so spineless, you leave the emptiness of your bed behind and make yourself some tea. Sinking into the chair on the terrace, your legs curl up under you.

The waves flourish and flaunt in the inlet, making the boats dance in concert and the tangy brine of the sea wafts in the air. Coasting clouds cause the pastel glow of the new moon to wax and wane.

The fluttering beat of wings alerts you to Tara’s approach before you see her soar and land on the terrace with a grace only she and Astarion could muster.

The pitter-patter of her little paws on the wood boards makes you smile as she draws near.

Tara stretches her wings before settling, “Would you like some company while you await the vampire’s return?”

“Tara, do you know the vampire’s name?”

“Of course,” she scowls, “You’ve been calling out to him in your sleep for months.”

Oh…

Right.

“Why do you keep calling him vampire then?”

“He calls me cat or cat with wings, does he not?” she huffs exasperatedly, “It does not vex him as I hoped, though.”

You giggle at her, “You must try much harder if you wish to aggravate him.”

She nods curly as if she’s taken that into advisement, “I have not seen you out here recently. What is troubling you this night?”

Patting your lap, you invite her up, “It’s hard to find enough peace to rest when your heart is at war with your mind.”

Tara jumps up and lays down with a soft purr, “Have you always been so meek?”

Meek? Not a word I would have ever described myself with.

“No,” you stare off into the distance blankly.

Her round eyes reflect what little light the moon provides, “You have been lonely here, yes?”

How does she know these things?

The unmistakable glint of unshed tears brims in your eyes, “Is there a cure for loneliness?”

She cocks her head, confused, “You do not seem lonely when he is near.”

“I-” your brows pinch together, she’s right again, you think, “I suppose I’m not.”

“Then he is the cure you seek.” Tara concludes, “May I speak bluntly?”

She’s never asked before. This should be good.

“Please do.”

“You are being an idiot,” she says factually.

You laugh, almost spewing your tea at Tara’s curtness, “I’m sorry. Care to elaborate?”

“The longer you keep yourself tethered to this unhappiness, the longer you will live a life not meant for you.”

I hate how right she is.

Your fingers tap the mug fretfully as tears tiptoe out of the corners of your eyes, “What if I can’t get over my fear, Tara?”

Tara puts her paws on your chest, levelling her green eyes with yours with a stern yet empathetic glower, “Then you must do it afraid, Sorceress.”

She makes it sound so simple.

But it is really that simple, isn't it?

You stifle back a sniffle and scratch behind her ear, “Stop being so smart and wise.”

“Perhaps when you stop being an idiot.”

Another strangled laugh escapes your throat as you stroke her silky fur, making her purr loudly. Resting your head on the high-backed chair, your eyes flutter shut.

“You must do it afraid.”

I will.

I just need a little more time.

Tara leaps off your lap, and your eyes open sleepily to see Astarion standing before you. Dirt streaks the pale skin of his face and hands, and trails, where sweat rolled down his temples and forehead, are evident.

“Wake up, sweetheart.”

You scan the sky as the haze clouding your vision disperses slowly. It must be only hours from dawn.

Your nose crinkles, “You smell like dirt.”

“I thought I would try something new; groundskeeper with a hint of grave robber,” his brow cocks seductively, “Is it working for you?”

You giggle, “Absolutely not.”

“Well,” he pouts with a dramatic sigh, “don’t be afraid to tell me what you really think.”

“I think you really need a bath.”

“I do love it when you sass me,” he tuts, “Naughty thing. What are you doing resting out there? You’re shivering fiercely.”

“I was talking to Tara,” your teeth chatter together, “I must have drifted off.”

He kisses your forehead, “Come on. Let’s get you warmed up inside,” Walking through the kitchen, Astarion turns to you, “Are you gracing my bed with your delicious self again tonight, friend?”

Hells. I was heading to his room without even thinking about it.

“Do you want me to?”

“It’s up to you,” Astarion shrugs as if it doesn’t matter, but there’s a hint of hope reflected in the scarlet of his irises.

Gods, tell me we belong together. Please.

“Tell me what you want, Astarion.”

“You, my love. Always and forevermore, you,” he purrs, taking your hand, “My bed it is.”

Astarion’s room is a chasm of blackness when you enter. With a flick of your wrist, you light the candles instantly with a smug smile.

He chuckles, “I forgot how handy you are to have around.”

“Truly indispensable,” you chime back in jest.

“Better set that ablaze as well,” Astarion points to the fireplace, “You get grouchy when you’re cold.”

You gasp, hand coming to your mouth theatrically, “I’m never grouchy!”

“Oh, don’t fret, my dear,” he glowers at you playfully, “You’re adorable when you're grouchy.”

“Go bathe, you smell.”

He giggles with a shallow bow, “As the lady wishes.”

You sit on the edge of Astarion’s bed, and a smile trails across your lips. These moments with him feel so familiar, so right, and they quiet the clashing present inside you.

Why are you making things so complicated for yourself? It could be as simple as telling him you want to be with him, so why don’t you?

He would finally stop calling me “friend,” at least.

Astarion returns with only a towel hanging loosely around his waist. He nudges your legs apart with his knee and leans in close. His hands slip up the bed by your sides, forcing you to lean back until you’re propped up on your forearms. Your heart parades in your chest, seemingly skipping beats the closer he leans into you.

“Well, you’re not wrinkling your cute little nose at me anymore,” Astarion taps the tip of your nose softly, “A good sign.”

Leaning in close, you kiss his shoulder while making a dramatic show of inhaling deeply, “You stink… less.”

He giggles and gives you a gentle shove, “Less?! Darling, I’m hurt,” he imitates shock with a sulky flair, “I smell excellent.”

Hells, does he ever.

“How do you know?”

Astarion taps your chest over your heart in rhythm with the quickened pace with a sly, boyishly handsome smile, “Your body tells me everything I need to know.”

“Pleased with yourself, are you?”

“Indeed,” he coos, “Now, to bed with you, sleepy love.”

Yes, rest. Gods, I’m tired.

Astarion’s thumb sweeps lazily back and forth over your arm, and you lay your head on his chest. Your eyes feel heavy and sag closed.

Lifting your hand, you draw all the flames from the candles into an orb floating above your palm, extinguishing them. The flaming sphere winks out, bathing the room in darkness except for the glow from the ebbing embers in the fireplace.

Astarion kisses your forehead, “Braggart.”

You giggle, but your voice sounds distant to your ears as the current of your trance pulls you under. Astarion starts to hum while running his fingers through your hair.

“I love you,” you say in a whispering sigh.

Wait… did I say that out loud?

Astarion’s crooning hum cuts off, and his fingers come to your chin, guiding your face up.

The silky skin of his lips caresses yours tenderly, “I love you too. Rest, my only one.”

Gale rubs his eyes, “Where was Mr. Blackwell?”

“Aldous said he was away on business,” your leg bounces nervously, “He didn’t elaborate further.”

Astarion’s hand slips over your thigh under the table, stilling the ferocity of its jostling.

“We have some time then,” Gale concludes, “I have business in the city today. I could make some inquiries.”

“Bloody Hells, you are terrible at this,” Astarion groans, clicking his tongue and rolling his eyes, “Gale, if you go making odd inquiries, you’ll implicate yourself.”

Gale scoffs, “Oh, my deepest apologies if I am not proficient in the matters of covering up a murder.”

“Apology accepted,” Astarion drawls, “We could always kill Mr. Blackwell. What’s one more murder?”

“Mr. Blackwell has a wife,” Gale scowls, “Aldous’s mother.”

“You say that as if it’s a problem, Gale,” Astarion shrugs, “The wife as well then.”

Gale’s skin goes a deathly white as his mouth drops open, eyes round, “You cannot seriously be suggesting we murder an entire family!”

You cut them both off, “Astarion is trying to get under your skin, Gale. Don’t let him.”

“You’re no fun,” Astarion’s lips purse into a pout, “I had the wizard going.”

Gale’s body unknots with relief, “Very funny, my sharp-toothed friend.”

You rub your temples to stifle the headache brewing, “How well connected is Mr. Blackwell, Gale?”

Gale’s fingers tap his chin, “Connected would be an understatement. The man is friends with every high-ranking official in the city.”

Certainly a complication.

Astarion’s fingers drum on the table, “Could we not convince him that his son ran off with some trollop?”

“I could try,” you nod, “but Mr. Blackwell is already suspicious of me. He will not make an easy target.”

“You do have a very delicious silver tongue,” Astarion’s hand slips up your thigh and between your legs, “I have no doubt you could persuade him.”

You sit stiffly, trying not to expose the crudeness happening below the wood tabletop as Astarion’s fingers sweep over your crotch.

“I could try,” you choke out as you clench involuntarily at the sensation, “but it’s not foolproof.”

Astarion scoffs, “If you want foolproof, my dear, we better circle back to the murder option.”

“Do you not feel any remorse for what you’ve done!” Gale explodes out of his chair, irritation creasing his forehead.

Astarion stands with bared teeth, leaning threateningly close to Gale’s face, “I feel only pristine satisfaction. You have NO idea what he was about to do to her, Gale.”

“Stop it! Both of you,” you roar, slamming your hands on the table to get their attention, “I could have stopped Astarion, and I didn’t. If you must hold someone responsible for this, the blame is mine, Gale.”

“Enough!” Astarion’s crimson eyes send shivers down your spine, “You are not accountable for my actions!”

This is about more than just this event.

“Gale,” you sigh with a forced smile, “Go make your inquiries, but be discreet.”

Gale bows shallowly and excuses himself, glancing between you and Astarion. There is a grim tension in the air.

Astarion’s finger taps rhythmically on the table, a telltale sign he’s upset with you.

“Spit it out, Astarion. What is really troubling you because it isn’t this.”

Astarion’s forehead creases as his brows pull down low, and he shouts, “You must stop holding yourself at fault for what I’ve done!”

“Aren’t I?” you scream back at him, coming to your feet abruptly, “The night you left, I made you uncomfortable, and what happened? You fucking ran from me, from our life, from us!”

He left. Gods, he left, and it nearly killed me.

“It-” Astarion’s eyes dart around, “It wasn’t because of something you did.”

“My fault or not, I paid dearly for it.”

You ran and took my heart with you.

You rush to your room, locking the door. It’s too much. It’s all too much at once, and you cannot process it quickly enough.

It was my fault Astarion left in the first place, wasn’t it?

I pushed him too hard, didn’t I?

Gods, you don’t know. You’ve been punishing yourself for all of your missteps since he disappeared, and you can’t relinquish your guilt no matter how hard you try.

Why will I not allow myself to let this go?

Astarion’s soft knock resonates on the door, and your head plummets into your hands.

You cannot do this right now, and your voice rumbles, “Go away, Astarion.”

Astarion plunks down on the floor outside your door, “I will wait until you are ready to speak to me.”

He used to do this when you lived with him, giving you space but ultimately staying close by.

Wrenching the door open, you seethe, “Go. Away.”

Astarion rights himself and pushes into your room as if nothing is amiss. Despite your fiery temper, Astarion was never easily goaded into a fight with you.

“Astarion,” you leer at him in a warning.

“You’re angry with me,” he retorts, “I’m well aware and well acquainted with your ire.”

“Then you know you should be leaving me alone,” you admonish him.

“You never used to retreat from arguments with me.”

Fuck. He’s right. I ran.

Again.

You groan, slamming your door and drop to the floor. The headache you had felt starting is now throbbing in your temples like a battering ram. Pressing your eyes shut, you kneed at your head with your fingers.

Astarion sinks to the ground opposite you, and his hand settles on your forehead, “Darling, are you alright?”

The chill of his skin eases some of your discomfort, and you push into his touch with a relieved sigh, “Just a headache.”

“You did not get much rest last night,” his fingers massage your temples, “I’m sorry. I should not have shouted at you.”

“I don’t want to talk about this right now.”

“You do not have to talk, but you will listen, and listen closely,” Astarion tilts your head up, and you open your eyes to meet his, “You must stop blaming yourself for what I’ve done. The guilt is not yours to endure.”

“But…” you swallow the lump in your throat, wrench your eyes down and fidget with your fingers, “But I made you uncomfortable the night you left.”

“My leaving was not due to anything you did or did not do. I’m-” he sits back, running his fingers through his hair, tousling it, “I’m a coward,” he shrugs, “I’ve always been a coward.”

“You have never been a coward, Astarion,” you shake your head, “What’s changed? What will stop you from leaving again?”

“I am no longer afraid,” his fingers sweep across your cheek before rubbing your temples again, “Well, perhaps that’s not entirely true. I am afraid of losing you again.”

How did he get over his fear?

“Astarion,” you sigh as his fingers skillfully knead the throbbing ache, “you could never lose me.”

“I did,” the corners of Astarion’s mouth creep downward mournfully, “did I not, friend?”

This word haunts me.

“May I ask you something?”

You nod, “Anything.”

“Ever since I returned, you have been exceedingly gentle with me, far beyond customary, even for you. Why?”

“You mean,” your voice trembles slightly, “when it comes to being intimate with you?”

“Yes.”

Fuck, I don’t want to tell him this, but I must stop trying to escape from the truth.

“I-” you inhale a long, slow breath to calm your pounding heart, “You left me the night I made you uncomfortable. I suppose,” you pause, trying to gather yourself, “I suppose I have been worried that if I make that same mistake, I will scare you away again.”

Astarion takes your hands, “I promise you do not have to be afraid. I am here to stay. You need not be so gentle with me.”

Don’t I though?

“Can I trust you to tell me when it’s too much?”

“I will always tell you,” he says conclusively, “Could we please get off this floor now, beautiful?”

Right…

“Sorry. Where would you like to sit?”

“The bed,” he says, helping you to your feet, “Does your head still hurt?”

“Yes,” you groan.

Your brain is bashing against your skull, trying to escape your head.

“Sit. I will rub it for you like I used to.”

Sitting on the bed, Astarion pulls you between his legs, your back against his chest, and you let yourself sink into him. His fingers work the achy spots perfectly.

“What happened yesterday,” Astarion says in a low timbre, “with the boy. Are you alright?”

Am I?

“It’s not the first time I’ve been attacked.”

“Yes,” Astarion looks around anxiously, “but there is a difference between being attacked and being,” he pauses, searching for a way to put it delicately.

“I know what you’re getting at,” you sigh, “I’ve lived a hard life, Astarion. This is just another one of those things that’s better forgotten."

“I understand,” Astarion kisses the top of your head, “But if you cannot forget, I am here if you need me.”

I always need you.

“Thank you.”

“You will tell me more about your life someday, yes?” Astarion’s voice is hopeful, “I wish to know everything.”

My past - another thing I run from.

“Will you tell me more about yours?”

“For you, my love, I am an open book,” Astarion murmurs, “Ask, and I will tell you to the best of my ability, but there are things I cannot recall.”

“Like your face?”

He smiles sadly, “Yes, like my face.”

You and Gale have been practicing magic together, and you asked him to teach you Mirror Image. The incantation was straightforward to learn, but Illusionary magic is not your realm of expertise and mastering the hand movements was tricky.

Mirror Image was meant to be used on yourself, but you and Gale often try to find new ways to use or cast various spells.

After many trials and failures, you’ve figured out how to use Mirror Image to mirror someone other than the caster.

Should I?

“Do you-” you trail off, wondering if this is a good idea, “I could try something - if you want. If I can pull it off, you will be able to see yourself.”

“What?” Astarion jolts off the bed, eyes round with astonishment, “How?”

You turn to look at him, “Do you remember that night in camp when Gale was inspecting a magical copy of himself?”

His red eyes shift around, crazed, and you wonder if you’ve made a mistake and stepped too far.

“Of course,” he groans, “How could I forget his incessant preening?”

Astarion looks anxious, and unease blooms in your stomach, “Are you okay? Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Please,” he pleads, his scarlet eyes wide and wild, “If you can, would you please?”

“This may feel odd at first,” you warn, “like countless fingers running over your skin. Don’t be alarmed.”

I can do this. I will do this.

Grasping the Weave, you wrap it around you and Astarion with the finesse of an archmage. Reciting the incantation is as easy as breathing, and it rolls off your tongue poetically.

The hand movements are far more complicated, but you’ve practiced this, and your fingers dance the perfectly choreographed pattern.

Astarion’s eyes stay locked on you.

You pull the threads, and the Weave unravels, only for you to stitch it back together in the image of Astarion.

“It’s done,” you smile, “All you need to do is turn around.”

Astarion takes a deep, shuddering breath but doesn’t turn, “What should I expect?”

You cock a brow at him. You’re not entirely sure how you expected him to react, but hesitancy didn’t even cross your mind.

Is he scared he won’t like what he sees?

“You will see yourself as the world sees you,” you say, calm and encouraging, “You don’t have to, Astarion. If it’s too much, I can always recast this when you’re ready.”

“No, I want to. Gods. It’s been so long, and I just… I just do not know,” he swallows hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down, “Will you hold my hand? I do not think I can do this without you.”

“I’ve got you,” you interlace your fingers with his, “When you’re ready, love.”

He smiles, “That’s the first time you’ve called me that since I’ve been back.”

No… No, I couldn’t be. Is it?

“I- Uh…I-”

“Oh, don’t worry,” he giggles, “I won’t get my hopes up, friend.”

Astarion takes another slow, shaky breath and turns around slowly. The image of Astarion faces him, but its eyes are closed. For a moment, you think you didn’t cast the spell correctly, but when you look at Astarion, the figure mirrors him as it should.

Giving him this moment, you lean your head on his shoulder and wait patiently.

Astarion recoils slightly when his eyes open, and he sees the image standing there. The figures stare at each other, awestruck.

Astarion takes a step closer to the image and touches his face, running his fingers along his jaw, down the bridge of his nose, and over his cheekbones. He racks his fingers through his hair. Leaning in closer, he inspects his eyes and fangs, utterly captivated.

“Good Gods,” he pants breathlessly, “That’s me?”

“It’s you, Astarion,” you can’t help but smile, “in all your earth-shatteringly, realm-ending handsome beauty.”

“I am positively magnificent, aren’t I?” he muses agog, “Now, all your fiery jealousy makes perfect sense.”

You nearly chastise him, but when you look at him to shoot back some witty retort your mind hasn’t yet formulated, he’s staring at you with tears shining down his cheeks.

Shit. Maybe this was a bad idea.

“Fuck, Astarion,” you wipe the tears spilling from his eyes with your thumb, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

He looks at the image of himself again, “I- I don’t believe I’ve ever cried happy tears before,” he chuckles low, his eyes downcast, “Not that I can remember, at least.”

Happy tears?

Before you can process his words, he sweeps you up in a cradling embrace, pulling you off your feet, “Thank you, my love.”

The spell wanes, and the figures form flickers before fading away. Astarion lowers you to the floor and looks at the empty area woefully.

“Astarion,” you guide his eyes back to you, still shiny with unshed tears, “I can recast that spell whenever you want. You only have to ask. This need not be the last time you get to see yourself.”

“Gods, don’t tell me that,” he sighs dramatically, with a striking crooked smile, “I’m likely to overindulge."

“Fine,” you giggle, “You will have to earn your overindulgence.”

“Oh,” Astarion smiles devilishly, eyeing you through thick lashes and hooded eyes, “How would you have me earn it?”

“Oh,” you tap your lips, “I’m sure I can think of something like warming Tara her milk,” you taunt.

Astarion scoffs, “The cat can wait for her milk. I was thinking more along the lines of depraved carnal lust?”

“Now?”

“Well,” Astarion smirks, “Now is as good a time as any, but I need to ask something of you.”

“What?”

Astarion sweeps your hair back and looks deeply into your eyes, “Stop being excessively gentle with me. I’m not as fragile as you presume me to be.”

Isn’t he?

“I-” you stammer with worry in your voice, “I will try.”

“Good girl.”

“Lock the door,” you tug at this shirt, “and lose this.”

“Demanding thing,” he chuckles, sliding the lock into place, “As you wish.”

Astarion pulls his shirt off and stands so close that your breasts graze his chest with the rise and fall of your breath.

Astarion’s fingers curl under the hem of your top, “May I?”

You nod, and Astarion lets his cool fingers caress the warmth of your skin as he strips you. The temperature contract makes your skin prickle, and desire flushes your complexion red.

Your nipples skim across the chilled skin of Astarion’s chest, making them harden into peaks instantly, and you shudder at the sensation.

The pad of Astarion’s thumb teases your sensitive peak, “You have no idea how perfect you are, do you?”

His teasing causes a breathy whimper to escape your lips, and heat pools as your nerves are set alight. Astarion takes your lips in his. The kiss quickly becomes primal, urgent, and all-consuming.

He nips your lower lip gently, forcing your lips to part, and his tongue traverses your mouth. Bolts of electricity ripple down your spine, awakening the achy need in your centre.

Astarion grabs your hips and rolls them against his throbbing erection with an urging grunt. The swell between your thighs sings with the decadent banquet of friction, and you moan low, ghosting your lips over his ear as you melt into him.

“You have no idea how much I miss being inside you,” Astarion growls with a voice soaked in burning want.

Gods. I miss it too.

The walls of your core clench uncontrollably as depraved thoughts and memories of him stretching you, claiming you, swim through your head.

Astarion shoves you hard, and you fall onto the bed with a giggle. Pushing your legs apart, he crawls up, kissing your stomach before swirling his tongue around your nipple, making your back arch and body twitch.

Gods. He could undo me with that alone.

Your splayed fingers slip us his chest, sweeping across his nipple, eliciting a pleasant rumbling groan deep in his chest. His lips meet yours urgently, and he bucks his hips into you, pushing the throbbing bulge in his trousers against your swell.

His presence is intoxicating, and you can’t control your body. Hells, you don’t want to control your body, and you writhe against him greedily, needy for relief.

Astarion’s hand slides up your thigh and his fingers ghost over the pulsating flesh, “How wet are you?”

Embarrassingly so. Nigh on soaked.

You groan as the flush of embarrassment courses through you and cover your face with your arms.

Astarion gently moves one of your arms away from your face, “Do not hide from me. You never have to hide from me.”

He rocks his hips against you, and you convulse and tremble against him with whimpering, sputtered murmurs.

“You’re soaked, aren’t you?” he teases, “May I, friend?”

“Gods, yes.”

Astarion slips his fingers into your waistband in an agonizingly slow descent that makes you wonder if you might combust before his fingers find their target.

He parts your folds while expertly avoiding that pulsing bundle of nerves that is craving his stroke.

“Hells, you are positively soaked,” he drawls, “You’re making quite a mess. We should get these off, yes?”

Astarion hooks his fingers into your waistband. You lift your hips in silent consent, and he slips your pants off you.

You squeeze your thighs together, feeling far too vulnerable under those piercing hooded crimson eyes studying you.

“I wish to look upon you, friend,” Astarion glides his hand between your thighs, “Will you let me?”

He uses gradual force to encourage your legs to part, and you allow your legs to spread for him.

Those cardinal red eyes devour the sight of you, full of unwavering adoration, “You’re beautiful.”

His fingers roam down your thigh to your folds, slick with desire. Breathy, sputtering moans escape your lips as your hips lurch at his touch.

His fingers trace the swollen border of your achy clit, “Do all your friends make you drip with need?

“Astarion,” you gasp.

“Yes, love?”

“Please,” you beg, “For the love of all the Gods. Please.”

“How many fingers?” he growls.

What?

Your mind can’t focus enough to string together what he’s asking. You squirm, trying to motivate his fingers to move faster, but he stills and waits for you to stop your writhing.

“When was the last time you were filled?” Astarion says firmly as he eases the contact of his fingers to nothing more than a light tease.

Do I admit this?

“You.”

Astarion’s brows pop up, eyes round with surprise, “Me? You haven’t been with anyone since I left?”

You stare at him, confused by his shock, “You are all I want, Astarion.”

Wait, does his shock mean he’s been with others since he left?

Don’t be so blind and naive. Of course, he has.

He has...

Under the overwhelming realization, your heart warps and bursts, violently rocketing the razor-edged shards you’ve been cutting yourself with, trying to glue them together. You clutch your chest as they tear you asunder anew.

The world feels like it’s crumbling down around you and drowning you in it.

Your cheeks feel wet. Are you crying?

Astarion’s hand cradles your cheek, and you leap off the bed to your hands and knees on the floor, recoiling from his touch.

How many others has he touched with that hand?

Stop.

But Hells, how many since you?

No. Stop.

Astarion is coming toward you, distress twisting his brows and shining vividly in those beautiful crimson eyes.

How many people have looked into those eyes since you while he drove them to their release?

Stop. Stop. Stop.

Fuck. How many?!

His mouth is moving, but Gods you hear nothing over the stampede of your heartbeat thrumming in your ears.

Run. Run. Run. Run and never stop , your mind wails.

You can’t breathe. Hells, you’re suffocating in this room as it caves in around you.

You can’t take anymore. You must escape. Picking yourself up off the floor, you throw on your clothes in a panicked scurry.

Astarion’s cool hand grazes the skin of your arm, and you shrink away, gritting your teeth.

How many? Fuck. How many?!

Astarion backs away from you, alarmed.

Run. Run. Run.

You’ve barely finished dressing before you find yourself sprinting through the manor.

You need to get away from this place, get away from him, get away from yourself.

Swinging the door open, the sunlight floods in. Someone cries out, but you barely register Astarion’s pained yelp. You launch out the door, slamming into a startled Gale, eyes wide with confusion.

Gale tries to halt you, but you push him away with a hard shove that nearly sends him toppling over.

You don’t stop. You can’t stop.

You run.

Thank you to all those who read/like/comment/follow/reblog/etc. I hope you're enjoying reading this! Let me know what you think :)

Chapters Master List - Shadows of the Past

AO3: Crossposted

If you're interested, I also write fanfic for Ascended Astarion x Spawn Tav - Fangs and Fractured Hearts

Small Notes: - Well, the noble is dead (yay), but how will they deal with the consequences? - Poor Tav :(

#astarion x tav #astarion x you #astarion x reader #astarion smut #astarion ancunin #bg3 astarion #astarion #astarion x mc #astarion romance #baldurs gate astarion #shadows of the past #astarion x oc #astarion fanfic #astarion fanfiction #astarion fic #astarion angst #astarion spawn #spawn astarion

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