#i am too autistic to deal with this absolute bullshit lol

[possiblyunhinged]

LMFAO, millions of families in the UK are living in poverty, and idiots genuinely believe the most pressing issue facing normal people is freedom of speech. Can't afford to eat or leave a fan on in the piss-boiling heat but... can you say racist shit without being called a racist anymore? The REAL issue.

Then these absolute dingleberries think the revolution is being led by a BILLIONAIRE?! FYI, a billionaire who probably couldn't tell you what colour eyes his children have or what day they were born. What a top boi... has everybody lost their fucking minds?

[reasonsforhope]

@testingcheats0n I've seen you and a few other people asking this, so I wanted to give some advice/answers on how to do this if you have anxiety. In way more detail than you possibly wanted lol

And by the way, I say this as someone who has struggled with anxiety since uh *checks notes* Real Fucking Young. I had to deal with a lot of Bullshit That Gives You Anxiety, and I had to claw my way back from absolutely debilitating social anxiety when I was younger, and I still struggle with anxiety, if thankfully to a lesser degree. So I'm saying this as someone who has absolutely been there.

Start small. Groups and shit are intimidating and hard to coordinate and stressful. Start by messaging one or two friends, maybe about separate things

After Roe, I asked a friend if she wanted to come over to paint protest signs, which I told her I planned to go hang up around the neighborhood by myself. She said yes and we had a great time

Schedule something near a holiday so there's an "excuse" (but preferably not on the holiday, or you'll get more nos)

You can deliberately level up in Stuff You Can Do With X Acquaintance with a campaign of something like: text asking about something you need/have an excuse for (like homework or work deadlines); text asking about something you need again and then start "small talk" about related subjects; repeat 2-4x; message them without a clear excuse (yes this will stress you tf out the first time) 2-3x. If they're responding decently to all that, then hit them up for lowkey plans. "Hey, you wanna grab coffee [or whatever] sometime next week?" "Hey wanna do X Activity [e.g. that's on the list above]?"

Why yes I am autistic why do you ask

Also it's fine if you hang out one-on-one and don't super hit it off by the way. I've done that with people where we both mentally went "Hmm. Unfortunate" and then went back to having fun hanging out with whatever group we knew each other from

If you have a friend without a car or with a disability that can make getting around hard: "Hey, I'm running to Trader Joe's [or whatever] tomorrow night, want a ride?"

If you have a friend who also likes crafts: "Hey JoAnn's has a big sale rn, wanna go hit up crafting stuff this weeekend?"

I love dinner parties and entertaining, actually, but it really sucks when people flake. If you're doing that, start small, with just a couple close friends, and you can ask if they want to come hang out and cook with you so the prep is less overwhelming (or do potluck style)

When you have a friend or even an acquaintance who's sick or struggling, message them offering some string-free help. Invent (or actually have) an excuse for why this would be helping you out as well, if you'd prefer: "Hey, I know you're having a really shitty week[or feeling sick or whatever]. I accidentally made wayyyy too much soup the other night because I didn't check the recipe - I can bring some over tonight or tomorrow if you'd like! No pressure tho obv if you're busy"

For event spamming, follow local groups you're interested in on Facebook, Eventbrite, etc.

I've had pretty good luck with "arts and crafts hangouts." Some of them I invited friends, but I also have literally just posted "Art in the Park" events on groups like Lex and Meetup and had a nice couple people show up and a great time (and a bunch of future interest)

See what local orgs or nonprofits are around that you can volunteer with. A lot of local ones will host fairly small events, so less intimidating, and they're a great way to meet people who also care about helping their communities. Food pantries can be a reliable option too

Prepare to meet mostly of cool old people at volunteering things, btw. Cool old people are great - they have no idea what the latest cool bands or whatever are either, and also are pretty much always happy to have a whole extra Young Person (tm) volunteering. (Young is literally anyone under 45-50 here, btw)

Do your best to detach from outcomes. Easier said than done, obviously. But if you can do a thing with one person or two people, consider that a great big victory! 15-person dinner parties are for Expert Mode. When I hosted the Art in the Park events, I very deliberately went, "Okay, if no one shows up, that sucks but it's FINE, I'll just hang out in the park and do art and eat these chips by myself and have a lovely time"

I'm generally an advocate of picking an idea where if no one shows up, you can still have a good time doing the thing yourself or getting some work done or whatever

Is doing a lot of this going to be super uncomfortable, especially the first time? Yeah. And it'll suck.

But annoyingly, in order to deal with anxiety, you have to challenge and push through the anxiety a lot of the time. So sometimes, you just gotta grit your teeth and do it. Gotta close your eyes to make yourself hit "send"? Zero shame. Etc. etc.

Pace yourself. Practice reaching out like you're building a muscle. Do nice things after to reward yourself for Doing The Thing. I promise it can help

How to start building your social village--

How do you go from isolated to being apart of a properly connected social circle?? How do I go from that isolated individual to an actually connected person without having to force myself out to be a regular at a club or something??

Pick the most used social media across all your connections (for my this is sadly Facebook but I'm sure you could do this through discord or some other site I'm like 90% sure this is transferable in some formate maybe other ppl could pitch those ideas tho-) and then add everyone you know! And here's the fun stuff you could do in your group!

Functional ideas Village Group for-

Offer to swap babysitting/chores/errands or even buddies for these things

Offer to exchange sale/coupon/bulk buying info (A good example of this is a have a friend who knows a butcher and so her family once every 2 months bulk orders from him directly and it'd WAY cheaper for everyone)

Holiday organizing

Dinner party ideas/hang outs (know 2 or more ppl who like sewing? Organize a dinner once every few months and watch a movie and sew! Do a book club!)

Trade/swap/leading stuff (ex tools, books, unused snacks, boardgames, clothes, etc..)

Offer to be apart of a shared calander (I use Cozi personally but again use your preferred)

Event spamming (community event sharing bc no one ever gets proper info on them in time)

Plant swaps (I personally know like 3 different plant ppl who specialize in different types of plants ex 1 person does a lot of herbs and another does all succulents and another does super well with berries and they always wanna get rid of the babies or spread the spoils)

Organizing work parties (repair parties ex fences/roofs/, bulk cooking parties ex my families perogie parties, tax prep parties, hair dying get togethers, etc..)

Fun ideas for village-

Make a village badge/crest of some kind (at one point was making badges for dinner parties as gifts so this is an easy one for me)

Funny pet photos/meme dump ground

This allows for a pretty fun way to also make ppl feel connected. If I get to know someone fairly well like my neighbor or another parent from my kiddos school- I'll just add them to my weird little club thing! Here's a patch for you. Your family now!!

[symptoms-syndrome]

I haven't posted in a bit. Anyway I'm gonna bitch under a readmore as per usual.

I know I have a "the thing I hate abt the way people talk online' thing every other week. Anyway this time it's about like. The way people use "neurotypicals," and it isn't even beef with how people use "neurotypical" to mean "not mentally ill" when that's not even what it means.

There's smth about the way people use it that strikes me as odd bc people will be like "oh only neurotypicals get x" or "neurotypicals hate when u x" or whatever when it's like. Not even really related to any sort of neurotypicality or anything at all it's just like. Neurotypical is just used for "people who don't get it" which like. Sometimes is just "people not in on these niche internet memes" or "people not in fandom" like I guarantee you getting annoyed at someone for making everything an anime or meme reference is not "#neurotypical things" or whatever it's just that they don't get it. Am I making sense? My brain feels at like 30% charge today.

IDK I think it's also weird bc it's used in really weird ways sometimes and like. I think people are getting too comfortable w the idea that "neurotypical" just means "people who are rude to me/don't get me" which is weird not only bc you're assuming someone else's mental wellness or whatever but also bc there are absolutely mentally ill, autistic, etc people who will also do those things.

Esp when it's used in like. IDK ways where it's like "oh neurotypicals don't understand that I can't do the dishes bc I've been playing my fave video game" or some shit like that like it's circling right back to "autism = childish behavior" sometimes. Like some things that people label as #neurodiversity are just like. Refusing to learn, being rude, being childish etc. And a lot of things labelled that way are harmless (like. While it's annoying to label "obsessed with anime characters" as a #neurodiversity trait it's mostly just annoying) there's def some things I think will have greater consequences, mostly stuff related to like. Interpersonal relationships. Like I do obvi understand they're gonna be different for ppl w diff brains n stuff. But simplifying things to "the way Neurodiverse people Do Thing (correct)" and "the way Neurotypicals Do Thing (incorrect)" is so. Reductive and pointless but also often? Bad. Not being able to communicate your feelings and just stewing in resentment isn't #neurodiversitythingz it's emotional immaturity and they're not the same thing. Like autistic ppl do have more trouble than neurotypical ppl w labelling and communicating our feelings but that isn't an excuse to just be like "LOL it's #neurodiversity Neurotypicals™ need to deal w it" bc it's also harming like. Other not-neurotypical people. I guess I'm just tired of people hijacking the idea that autistic people don't need to change just for the sake of "not being weird" just to say that autistic people never need to change or grow...ever. bc that's not really. What that's supposed to be about. Autistic/mentally ill/etc people also do need to grow and mature etc just like #Neurotypicals (if there is such a thing, which also brings the idea that people are reframing the fight against a systemic issue to a fight against individual people they perceive as not mentally ill)

IDK it's just. Immature to me. Also so...dismissive of people who don't fit into your mold of what you think mental illness/autism looks like.

IDK if this makes sense. I'm just bitching bc if I see another post that's like this I'm gonna flip a table I think. It's given me such a knee-jerk reaction to any post about "neurotypicals" bc I just automatically assume it's bullshit.

[lair-of-the-jabberwock]

I don’t think Disney will ever stop frustrating me with the way they handle certain topics. Particularly, how they dance around the topics of gender identity, sexuality, and neuro-divergence. They literally have the absolute perfect neutral platform to help teach kids, in a very simple and easy format, about these topics. Yes, they’ve been getting better about some ethnic representation in their movies, but they still don’t touch on those topics that are really needed nowadays.

Disney functions on a basis of ‘their parents can teach them about that stuff, they’re too difficult of topics for us to explain in a kids’ movie’, and usually just leave it at that. Sure, sometimes they’ll toss in a glimpse of a gay side character, or make a very small nod here and there to non-cis people. But that’s exactly what I mean when I say they are dancing around the subject. They avoid it, and simply try to placate us with these very tiny side comments you often have to squint at the margins to notice. Shame on you, Disney. These aren’t actually difficult topics, and you know it.

I spend a lot of time helping my older sister as she helps our older cousins by watching their kids. So, I’m around young kids a lot. I’m around them a lot, their ages ranging from 5 to 10, and I am a bisexual, trans-male, autistic individual with severe depression and anxiety, as well as some PTSD. -le gasp- Oh, no! How am I supposed to make all that make sense to a five-year-old?! He’s too young to understand it, it’s too complicated for him! ...... Psh, yeah right. It’s a two-second conversation, and it’s a fucking piece of cake to explain.

‘Hey, buddy, you know how your parents and everyone call me ______ and call me a ‘he’ even though I look like a girl?’

‘Yeah’

‘That’s because I picked out that name specially for myself, because I’m transgender and that means I’m actually a boy trapped in a girl’s body.’

‘Oh, okay, -uses chosen name instead of dead name-.’

Yeah. See how easy that is? Kids understand things WAY better than adults do, and are a lot quicker to accept the information presented to them and just roll with it. It’s the same with the 7-year-old and the 10-year-old cousins I have. ‘I’m transgender and that makes me a guy just like you.’ ‘Okay.’ Now.. what about my sexuality? ‘Hey, guys, you know how your mom and dad love each other the way they do?’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘I have a partner that I like the same way, and they’re a girl, but I also sometimes like boys like that too.’ ‘Oh, okay.’ Boom. Sexuality, check. Gender identity, check. But what about my neuro-divergence? Lol, still very easy.

‘Hey, guys, I really want to hear everything you have to say, but since I’m autistic, it makes it hard for me to keep up when you all talk at once, and so I get a little overwhelmed and need things to slow down so I can make sure I hear everything and I don’t get too stressed that I panic and get upset, okay?’ ‘Oh, okay. We can take turns so it will be easier for you.’ And I’ve explained my depression and anxiety to them in similar ways, telling them that sometimes I just feel really really sad with no explanation, or that sometimes I just get really nervous and worried about things even if it doesn’t seem like a big deal just like how they can sometimes get really worried about a bug crawling near them or they suddenly get too shy to talk to someone even if they know them.

Point is, Disney has the perfect neutral platform to teach kids about ‘difficult’ topics, but they don’t use it, and that pisses me off. Even when they do have a more prominent character that is definitely coded a certain way, and people point it out to them, they will deny it because they have a mindset that they have to be ‘super PC’ and all that bullshit. Like, everyone absolutely knows and agrees that Lilo is definitely very much autistic (specifically with what is likely an Asperger’s diagnosis), but Disney still denies it and just tries to be like, ‘oh, no, she’s just a little different but she’s not autistic.’ Yes, she fucking is, Disney. She has pretty much my exact diagnosis, and she is an AMAZING representation of it! Take the praise and run with it, ya fucktots!! Honestly even Milo in Atlantis has a lot of autistic traits, with his centralized interests and info-dumping and social anxiety and awkwardness. But yeah. Hell, fucking look at Soul!! 22 is clearly non-binary, and when Joe is in the cat’s body, that cat is a fucking calico and calicos are almost exclusively female only! There’s a perfect way to explain transgender and how it feels to be in a body that doesn’t feel like it’s the right gender for you! But did they use that? No. They just decided that the cat is also a boy so it just works and they can blow past it. Just saying.

Long story short, Disney is scared to touch on some very important topics that they have the perfect platform to explain, and it pisses me off.

[thistangledbrain]

Ok y’all, I’m sorry I’m having to catch up! We got a new foster in a few days ago - a particularly broken soul - and my mind has been *entirely* on him. But he’s settling in a little now, so here’s the last 3 days in one post ☺️

Autism Acceptance Month

Day 10!

“Sensory Life”

This is sort of hard to describe, but I’ll try! This is different from the next entry about stims, though both are sensory related.

It’s like being on microdosed ‘shrooms *all the time*. If you don’t know what that’s like, I’ll try to describe (this is collaborated with a friend who regularly does this - I don’t...it would probably be far too overwhelming).

Colors are far sharper to me & I emotionally react to them far more than most people. That results in some colors being genuinely offensive - not just “I don’t like that color”, but it will make me intensely angry or physically sick. This makes me curious about chromotherapy, but I haven’t really looked into it that much. My tolerance of certain colors can ebb and flow depending on my emotional state/mindset. (This crap is so sharp, I’m actually getting a twinge of irritation just *thinking* about my most hated colors LOL 😂 🤦🏻‍♀️)

Textures/skin sensations are another big one. (By now you may be asking, how TF did this chick manage Marine Corps training/exercises?!) I guess if you want something bad enough, you can shut down some of the overwhelming aspects of the sensory thing...this ability to disassociate probably isn’t what NT’s would call “healthy”, but it’s quite handy if you’re autistic, and those of us who have been through real trauma seem to be especially skilled with our ability to just shut off all circuits and “embrace the suck”). Like...I’ll nearly panic to get out of a store or something if my underwear starts feeling uncomfortable, but I’ve literally been soaked head to toe, covered in mud and sand in my *everywhere* (and I HATE SAND anywhere but on my feet) AND I pissed myself, because nobody’s gonna stop shooting/training just because you have to go potty 🙄), and I remember literally giving zero fucks about it...so it really is entirely a mindset thing. But let’s talk about when I’m NOT in “Marine mode” (cuz let’s face it, it’s been close to two decades since I got out, and I no longer HAVE to tolerate overwhelming sensations).

Sensory input is just basically dialed to 11 & the knob’s been snapped off. Bright lights, loud discordant noises, too much touching/not touching the right way, things like that. I am particularly sensitive about body hair (my own). I *strongly* prefer to have my head shaved on the back and sides (but I leave the top long). The only time I haven’t done this, was in the Marines (it was considered “eccentric” and not allowed, so they made me grow it out). Even though I leave the main part long, it’s *always* in a bun or ponytail - well, unless I’m super dressed up for something, but even then I prefer some sort of updo. Despite the fact that I like my long hair (well on the top anyway), I can’t *stand* the way it feels on my neck or especially my face - I HATE IT when my hair touches my face. If I wasn’t married...there’s a decent chance I’d just shave it all off and be done with it LOL 😆 My ponytail pulled through the back of a baseball hat is I guess what they’d call my “signature look”.

And you think NT’s have bad misophonia? *I’ve jumped out of a moving vehicle before* to get away from the noise of someone chewing loudly/smacking their lips in the back seat (he was a coworker and punching him in the mouth - which is what I DESPERATELY wanted to do - would have gotten me fired 😕)...but humans eating, or dogs licking their junk, makes me want to crawl out of my own skin. It’s mostly humans though....you have *no idea* the level of self discipline it takes to keep me from either rage crying or actually getting violent around someone smacking their mouth during a meal. I *cannot* be around my husband when he’s eating breakfast cereal even though he’s a very mannered eater - I don’t know why, but it’s *so loud* (and I’m terribly hard of hearing) - it sounds like he’s chewing rocks. It took us years to work this problem out LOL - he thought it was dumb that I had such a deeply emotional reaction. Then he tried to “chew quietly”, which all that did was slow down the rock tumbler inside his mouth 😂...gradually, for everyone’s sanity, we realized that cereal eating should not be done in close proximity to each other lololol....and now, when it’s time for family meals around the table, I’ve learned to either keep the range hood fan going (white noise is definitely my friend), or have the TV on. If it’s just mainly the sound of everyone chewing, I simply won’t eat at the table. I lose my appetite. (And all of my dinner guests/family are very polite diners. It’s MY hangup.) Phone calls are another big one. I could probably come up with several reasons why I hate it...I LOATHE it. This is one sensory hangup some people in my family just refuse to accept. I don’t think they realize I equate unexpected or immediately demanded phone calls to running naked though a mall or getting a root canal. Hissssssssss!! Give me some time to prepare myself for this shit please - you’re actually asking a *lot* from me. (And when I do have a call? Ugh I babble and am so awkward, because I’m so effing uncomfortable, which I also hate.)

But here’s an area where my “sensory overload” serves me very well:

Dogs.

I am usually *intensely* dialed into the energy and body language of an animal, but particularly dogs. I’m *so* sensitive to them, that I often actually can feel things even happening behind my back - can basically sense the energy in the area shift. (Roughly 75% of the time. I’m spacey sometimes too LOL.) The work I do with “behaviorally challenged” dogs is the biggest area where I am *grateful* for my autistic mind. I don’t think I could really do the things I do without it, successfully. (I can do this to a large degree with people as well, as can my youngest son. You cannot lie to that boy about your feelings or mood.)

We all have different levels of sensory sensitivity and different triggers, but every autistic I know has several “sensory hangups”. It often is one of our biggest hurdles to deal with, when it comes to “normal functioning”. So, many of us constantly have headphones (or muffs) on, some of us wear sunglasses *all the time*, etc (I wear a baseball hat - and I genuinely don’t like going anywhere where I have to get dressed up and can’t wear my hat. Been like that since my early teens. That hat shields me from all sorts of real and imagined sensory triggers.) You do what you can to mitigate, you know? But my “microdosing shrooms” and “knob dialed to 11 and snapped off” is really the best way I can summarize. (And that’s not all bad - my trips into a new natural space, like the redwoods, is an absolute *thrill*. I also occasionally love sensory overload - many auties do - like rollercoasters. My youngest son and I can ride till we pass out LOL!) So sensory life is love/hate, really....but I don’t think I’d change much about it.

Except the fucking misophonia. I hate that I go into almost a murderous rage over someone just chewing food loudly 🤦🏻‍♀️ - but seriously. It’s impolite anyway. Don’t do it. 😆

———————————————————

Day 11!

Stims

This is one of the biggest areas where neurotypicals struggle to understand us.

We all have stims. Stims are basically any stimulus that brings us joy or comfort. It could be rocking, flapping, walking in tight little circles, clicking your fingernails together, spinning, making weird sounds or whistling, etc. And it’s usually repetitive - that’s the part that gets on people’s nerves.

I’ve found that most *women* hide most of our stims. We only let go and stim our little hearts out when we’re alone. I do that, because some of my stims grate on my husband. Sometimes I don’t WANT to feel “watched” anyway...I’ve noticed males don’t have quite the same issue with that.

I have quiet stims I do to soothe myself, and happy stims. One of my quieter stims when I’m trying to soothe myself (like in public) is clicking my teeth, particularly my right canines. I also have this silicone bite stick I wear around my neck sometimes, that I chew on (my sons like the bite sticks as well). I carry a little bag of fidget toys in my purse, to soothe myself with when I’m stressed. There’s a thing sort of like a fidget cube, a little cowrie shell and twine bracelet that I fiddle with almost like a rosary, a small stuffed axolotyl (her name is Blossom), and a few other toys. My little stash also comes in damn handy when I encounter a bored child LOL!

One of my sons makes funny little sound effects randomly (and he’s grown & still does it). The other used to randomly shriek when he was younger - then he learned how to whistle, so he couldn’t say a whole sentence without punctuating it with little whistles (we actually thought it was adorable).

My favorite stim is putting my headphones on, putting on some favorite music, sitting with my legs crossed, closing my eyes, and rocking. I’m happy to TELL you about this stim, but it’s one I do alone, because I like to get completely lost in it and I can’t do that if I feel I’m being watched...and you’ll damn near give me a heart attack if you touch me while I’m lost in that world. (And boy does it irritate me to get yanked out of that before I’m ready, for some bullshit non emergency reason.) Better to just isolate myself (except my dogs are always with me). Another one I do alone - and I have no idea why i like it so much - is squeaking my bite stick across my teeth. (This one is weird to me because I usually HATE my teeth being touched...yes dentists are a problem.) This one I enjoy doing kind of mindlessly while I read, but damn would it irritate anyone in listening distance LOL...I mean, it would irritate the shit out of ME if someone else was doing it, because *other people’s* repetition, especially if it makes noise, gets on my damned nerves. 🙄 Figures lmao!

Stims can be damaging sometimes, though. Like I used to twist and twirl my hair when I was younger so much that the areas I usually grabbed were frayed and broken (I also chewed my hair sometimes). One stim I cannot break myself of even though sometimes it’ll make me bleed, is chewing the insides of my cheeks or my lips. That’s my most frequent (several times a day) one, and the one that is both gratifying *and* soothing. It’s also the one that’s hardest to suppress.

Some auties are either unaware or literally don’t care how you feel about their stims, but I am and do. I’d like to think I’m pretty “appropriate” *most* of the time with my stims and other people around, except the lip/cheek chewing. If my husband notices I’ve gotten pretty furious about it (even using my hand to push my cheek into optimal biting position), he’ll gently put his hands on mine to bring me back to awareness - if I’m gnawing away, I’m either super stressed or way lost in thought. Either way, I can accidentally hurt myself, so he gently guides me away/distracts me.

Stimming is an important part of Autie life and should not be discouraged unless it hurts Your Pet Autie ™️.

And if you’re looking for a neat gift for an Autie? They actually make stim toy packs. Get them one, they’re fun. ☺️ (Most stim toys are designed to withstand being put in mouths and bitten/chewed, too - LOTS of us have oral fixations.) And hey, even if you’re a NT, try stimming sometime (lots of normal people have stims, they just don’t realize that’s what they are - like nail biting. Bite your nails a lot? Get a bite stick!! God they’re so satisfying!)....

Happy stimming!

———————————————-

Day 12!

“Favorite Autism Charity”

This one is short and easy: ASAN. Autism Self Advocacy Network.

“The Autistic Self Advocacy Network is a nonprofit organization run by and for individuals with autism. According to its mission statement, the Network’s goal is ‘to empower autistic people across the world to take control of our own lives and the future of our common community, and seek to organize the autistic community to ensure our voices are heard in the national conversation about us.’”

————————————————-

Day 13!

“Family”

Well that’s kinda ambiguous, isn’t it? 😒

I’ll start with this tack:

Being an autistic mom with autistic kids.

I mean for years, none of us KNEW LOL - and maybe that’s what took me so long to get around to pursuing a formal diagnosis for my youngest. To me, for the longest time, he was just sensitive and different like me (same with my oldest, for the most part, but I’m pretty sure that was me buying into the “brilliant people are just fucking weird ok” mindset also), yannow? So it was like, “well mama always told me I’d have one like me & then know what I put her through” 🙄 My oldest got lumped into the “all bright kids are quirky” category - but as I learned about ASD through my youngest and myself, it became damn obvious the oldest was also in our camp. (He’s taken the prelim test now anyway, but is not formally diagnosed.) I genuinely believe that our “shared weirdness” binds us very tightly to each other - and I’m super pleased about that.

It brought a whole new level of understanding and awareness within our little family when we realized it was ASD I guess - and acceptance. (I 100% believe that diagnosis - or even affirmation - is critical to our self acceptance and understanding.) I wouldn’t trade my little family for anything, and consider myself remarkably blessed. I can talk about how complex and brilliant my boys are ALL day (and often do LOL). Hubby is neurodivergent, and can identify with (or at least sympathize with) MANY of our hangups....but he’s “normal” enough that he’s been able to guide us (mostly me) with things like how to use tact (not often a skill we naturally possess lmao). My heart breaks when I read posts by auties whose families either don’t understand or don’t accept them & are constantly trying to basically mute who they are. Auties “live out loud”, and some people find that off putting. I know growing up, I was constantly getting my ass chewed for being “dramatic” or too sensitive, too, so I shut down and hid my sensitivity far, far away. I’m only *lately* (last few years) discarding that silly tough girl mask. (I can still be quite the little wolverine at times, but I’m not afraid to show my soft sensitive actual self anymore...to stay soft in today’s fucked up world takes actual courage - a lot of it - and strength. I was looking at the concept of being “strong” entirely the wrong way.)

I swear my husband has lived with nearly as many phases and facets, as years we’ve been together. Sometimes I ask him if this ever bothers him. He says no, because who I am at my core never changes...and he grins and says “and you damn sure aren’t boring” 😂

But since I’ve known I’m autistic, I’ve given myself more freedom to discover who I am without these socially dictated parameters. And permission to be precisely who I am, without cringing apologies when the real me shines through awkwardly.

And my husband and boys have been there every step of the way, embracing me, as we do with them. ♥️

Yeah. I love my family. We’re some pretty cool people. 😁

[unproduciblesmackdown]

40, 47, 59, 62, 76

lmao hell yeah thanks for All this support i love it!! quastions

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

really idk i feel like even our schools’s Antics were pretty par for the course and i was just sitting in the corner reading the whole time basically......trying to think if anything wild happened in college but even then it was p similar. well you know what, whatever donors covered the majority of the cost of the school’s black box theater being renovated apparently Stipulated that every other year a rodgers and hammerstein production be put on. absolute freaks. my roommate/friend and their then-boyfriend, the one mormon i have Knowingly Known in my life, were in pirates of penzance (sic?) together. hilarious

47. favorite type of cheese?

i like cheddar and like, parmesan, smoked gouda.....let’s get that shit Sharp!!! and hard lmao

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

idk i’d be like an npc just doing their weird thing on their own. i’ve never played pokemons unless you count pokemons Go but i think about the famed “i like shorts they’re comfy and easy to wear” npc kid. like, yeah. i feel the same. and would say similar bullshit nobody asked about

62. seven characters you relate to?

oh god.........recognizing the self through the relatable characters :|

well let’s just talk about the wrol roles right off b/c the characters that Most occupy my gay thoughts (which is to say: my general thoughts) will inevitably get priority when it comes to Remembering things

1) whom among us doesn’t relate to jared kleinman........will roland emerging from relative obscurity and coming for our entire fucking lives like the goddamn legend he is. it’s tough b/c it’s like, oh well alana is relatable too, so is evan unfortunately sorry evan, and in ways i might ~usually act~ like one of those two more than jared but. no. it is Jared who wins the relatability contest, and we all get to be beautifully haunted by it forever

2) leaning hard into winston even with the few glimpses of him b/c somehow will Cannot play an allistic cishet. and this is even More of a case where maybe i don’t much have winston’s demeanor.......even without winston being a beacon of confidence, he has more confidence lmao. and he has that ability to just Be Himself in a situation which, i wish i had that moxie lmao. i am a lot more [usually trying to be accommodating wayyyy harder than i should], booo......even though he’s clearly not great at conflict considering how it doesn’t take Too much to put him out, it’d be pretty impossible for me to be all “called them hacks and lame” or carry out a very irritated monologue in front of four people in the first place lmao. but who knows. and it’s more in the details of like, oh no winston’s the odd one out even though he hasn’t really Done Anything, but we all ~understand~ why he Deserves it.........his expectation / treating it basically as Fact that he will disappoint people.......the [weird] [offputting] behaviors and his way of speaking in What he Says and How He Says It seeming wrong to people.......like it’s only 15-ish min of content that we have here and we don’t have the least info about will’s own thoughts on the character but it’s like. how is this such an iconic Gay Autistic Quant b/c these vibes are so rare. and i appreciate that he can be ~difficult~ lmao. same with jared though i didn’t mention it. i can be difficult!! love it for us...

3) briony atkins from murder of bindy mackenzie as a character who Does act more like how i Usually Act Like lmao.....god we’re only on three i forgot there was seven of these. and yet i know there’s probably at least 2 dozen characters who could make this list and i just won’t think of most of them unless directly reminded......but anyways yeah i mean in person i mostly do Not want attention unless i feel comfortable enough / in my element or whatever. especially if it’d be some situation like “sitting in a group of randos” lol. i mean it depends b/c i also can sometimes be ~on~ in terms of Masking and trying to be like Haha I’m Social I’m Regular and i def engage in Nervous Chatter sometimes, but like, very often it’s like god don’t talk to me and i don’t want to talk either.....and then yeah people Will be surprised that like, idk, i’m opinionated as shit and idk that i Enjoy Things / Have Thoughts And Feelings coz the assumption i guess is that you must simply have nothing to say. so the dismissal of this person who seemingly has nothing to contribute and must be Boring rings true lmfao.....but then of course it’s also important that her personality Under that is the one getting mistaken for emily’s lol cuz yeah At Heart i am sure of that dramatic / intense / excitable type Sometimes. but it takes some excavation before i am like “oh i can engage in my actual self” and like weeks and months to get comfortable w/ people and i’m always suspicious that anyone actually would enjoy it and i’m not too much......i am a motormouth actually and have something to say about any and everything and like to Have Fun Here but like. idk i come off as boring and can be Notably Quiet lmao

4) oscar martinez from the office is weirdly [Haha Same] sometimes lmfao. sort of keeps to himself but also has to pipe up with Opinions and Pedantry and the kind of Drama of a restrained theatre gay. some deleted scene from an episode where during an interview clip of Jimothy in a theater lobby and you have oscar call from across the group in that [wearied Ugh God] way of ‘jim, they’re remaking ___’ while jim just kind of gives a cursory “wow gosh” or whatever and like, i sure don’t have lots of Theatre Opinions but that “oh jeez i have a Take on this and have to share it with someone” vibe is like hahaha yeah.....it’s funny in the “the gang goes to the ice rink for a third of the ep” bit where you just catch oscar doing [ice skating turn] with some solemn intensity.......the “here’s a question nobody’s asking: is this worth it” quote.........way at the end where there’s a whole deal with one of the indoor plants and he’s like “why is it a He” @ the collective gendering of the houseplant lmfao.......i love the one thing where he and pam and uhh toby right? have the Finer Things book club or whatever and jim wants to join just like ~ironically~ and pam has to tell him that oscar doesn’t want him to join b/c he’s not going to take it seriously and use it as a Jokes Vehicle. and then you get the scene at the end where jim Is basically doing that and they’re just like taking it out of him and oscar’s all very seriously like “did you get it all out of your system” lmfao like yeah, earnest members only lmao.....the thing where he gets mad at angela’s like Jazz Musician Posed Babies posters all “it’s kitsch it Destroys art” lmaoooo and in a totally different season all “this is the problem with debate” over the completely inconsequential “is [whichever actress, i forget] Hot” “”””debate””””.......the whole tendency to get involved and always have a take to get across.....opinionated-sometimes-to-the-point-of-petty central. also that he’s the canon gay, are there even any others? anyways and as the us office’s spiritual successor i’ll add on to this by uh what’s the name of billy eichner’s character on parks and rec? it’s craig right. that Self-Powered Intensity is very #me as well.

5) augh god........im like lmfao shit who represents my Hater Club side. hmmm. oh no wait you know what. totally different but i love Prof Beatrice Hotchkiss in the trt nancy drew pc game. she’s holed up in her room writing all the time and just is weird when you try to talk to her all like no i won’t open the door, bring me food, do this Research, bring me my Ski Boots i guess......and then when you do meet her it’s all at like post-midnight in the lounge and she’s all like, encouraging you as a Night Owl and your investigative curiosity and all and i’m like oh word yeah being up in the dead of night is the shit. she’s just weird and passionate and this is another character i might not Act hardly at all like but who i vibe with lmfao. hotchkiss was the supportive adult in my life

6) remembering how hotchkiss is a historian made me think of academia which made me think of like, once again with “these vibes are So So Rare” i really ought to put the wrol role of Nato on the list cuz like. that essential representation of “gets gr8 grades but isn’t really ~academic~ / doesn’t care about that and really just cares about Hanging W Friends and [real specific interests]” is like wow damn that’s the Mood. coz like to an extent i can always Relate to the ~overachiever~ types a la the [nerd character gets all-A’s and other nerd shit] deal, but there’s eventually the issue of like.....those characters like bindy mackenzies and alana becks Care about their achievements (not exclusively as some ppl would have it 9_9) and are Studious whereas i always hated school and was a godawful student in terms of Habits and always got good grades b/c the devil was with me or something and like people will think i must have tried real hard and dedicated myself to Academics and stuff and it’s like.........no................not at all hardly, sure i did my hw every night but at like 11:29 pm or studied for a midterm at lunch right before the class lol or flipped through a lil bit of the sat study guide the night prior.........the “low-effort dumbass who Academically Excels Anyhow” representation is so crucial like!! i run into a wall when it’s the Good Grades nerd character who is real studious and focused and stuff like. couldn’t be me. meanwhile the “naturally weird + probably some ‘deliberate’ weirdness” and “likes animals” and “most likely to just wanna Roll With It” and “shitty focus lol” and “non sequiturs” and “without [activity] i do nothing” is all like....ahahahohoho..........nato rly got to make this list. and honorable mention for Wrol Jeremy. again: whom doesn’t relate!!!!!!!!

7) damnit i know there’s So many answers to [characters i relate to] and whom cover like, more particular Facets here but i’m struggling lmao. Uh. like i’m like, who’s the Hot Mess / continually evolving disaster characters i vibe with......who’s the peak despresso detached Haters rep......who embodies the solo production lifestyle........dammit you know what lol i tend to Feel for like, the background ~nobodies~ who might just get like totally destroyed in some movie with life or death stakes just to like, show how much danger our heroes / Important Complex Protags are. same w/ jeremy not feeling like the Hero / the one who the story’s about / the cool guy / player 1 / etc etc etc i’m like oo i’d be the npc who doesn’t really do anything, i’d be the rando getting blown away in the background of someone else’s story. on a totally different note another shoutout / honorable mention to wybie from the coraline lmfao one of the best characters invented from thin air for an adaptation......tangentially relevant b/c he’s entirely here to support the protag / not his story at all, just here to help and prompt interactions / exposition really.......but love that [weird loner kid who’s best friend is a cat and annoys the other kid and doesn’t Get it and has specific interests and entertains himself and just is doing weird shit around here tf dude lmao killing it] like, #mood. #lifestyle. less dismal to relate to than the bg person who dies......his counterpart who totally dies is somewhat fleshed out / given Investment so it doesnt Really count as [background Nobody who’s really just fodder for “defining the stakes / threat level”] Character Concept

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

latkes maybe......Yummy

[emkayoh]

Spider-Man: Homecoming Fic Recs

Alright, I snapped y’all. I’m blown away by the quality of writing in this fandom and I want to share some of my absolute faves that I’ve found. Especially since I haven’t really seen any fic recs and these fics deserve to be spread like wildfire. So here are my top favorite reads, mostly Tony and Peter centered because of course. 

(Under the cut because this is looooooong):

How to Repair a Broken Heart by InfluentialPineapple (WIP)

Summary: The Mechanic has a lot on his plate; Thanos is coming, the Guardians of the Galaxy are marooned, Thaddeus Ross is reaching right down his throat, and a budding super hero deserves his full attention. He's also dying. No big deal. He can fix it. He can fix anything.

And he can do it all without even opening that stupid phone.

Now, where did those notes on Extremis go...?

Relationship: Tony and Peter

Rating: Mature

Notes: Holy shit, y’all. This is definitely my favorite fanfiction... ever. Out of everything I’ve ever read. It’s still a WIP so beware of that, but I am extremely confident in the author’s ability to finish it. And honestly, it’s well worth reading even if it isn’t finished. It has some of the most spot-on characterization, an amazing plot that rivals whatever Marvel cooks up for Infinity War, and glorious writing. 10/10 I am in the fandom for this fic specifically. (Warning: Violence, torture, lots of death.)

The Long Way Round by undeerqueen

Summary: Tony wants him to hold on. Peter just wants to go home.

Relationship: Tony and Peter

Rating: General Audiences

Notes: Okay, warning... this is a death fic. But it’s my favorite death fic ever written. It’s so beautifully written in a way that keeps you hanging on until the very end and leaves a hole in your heart that never goes away. If you’re like me and enjoy that kind of stuff, please, please, please for the love of god, read this fic. (Edit: This is a whole series now!!! Even more pain abounds.)

three words that became hard to say (i and love and you) by madasthesea

Summary: Tony likes giving gifts to prove his love, but they don't usually have four paws and a tail.

AKA: Tony, Peter, and a dog named Maggie learn how to be a family.

Relationship: Tony and Peter

Rating: General Audiences

Notes: I’m crying???? I’m usually not a fan of fics that kill off May so that Peter and Tony can be a family because she deserves better than that, but this fic is the ONLY exception. May isn’t cast aside as unimportant, Tony struggles to make Peter accept him as his new guardian, and there’s a dog! What could be better than that? (Edit: It’s a whole series now!! Tears from beginning to end.)

Everyone You’ve Ever Loved by JBS_Forever

Summary: “You will lose, Tony Stark,” the man says. “You have taken everything from me. Now I'm going to take everything from you.”

(Or: A masked-man threatens to destroy everyone Tony Stark has ever cared about. He starts by taking Peter.)

Relationship: Tony and Peter

Rating: General Audiences

Notes: I honestly had a hard time picking out a JBS_Forever fic to include in this rec list, because everything they write is amazing and I recommend all of it, but this fic stands out. It’s a classic “Peter gets kidnapped and Tony has to save him” fic, which is a favorite trope of mine lol (are you noticing a pattern with the fics I tend to like?) It’s a oneshot but it’s MASSIVE and really realistically portrayed. I love how she writes Tony and Peter and I was holding my breath the whole time. 

Astronomy In Reverse by pansley (WIP)

Summary: A year after the Winter Soldier failed his mission in DC, Bucky Barnes is doing his best to stay under the radar from both Hydra and Steve Rogers. His hope for a peaceful day-to-day life in limbo goes awry, however, when he meets Queens’ newest hero; a pure-hearted kid with a death wish and a ridiculous pair of red and blue pajamas.

The last thing Steve expects when he finally tracks Bucky down is that, not only has the man been living in Queens all this time, right under his nose, but also that, in the two years since they last saw each other, Bucky somehow acquired a kid.

Alternatively: How Peter Parker effectively fucks over Bucky Barnes, and also totally saves him.

Relationship: Bucky and Peter

Rating: Teen

Notes: I guess I should mix things up a bit and rec one that isn’t a Tony and Peter fic! This one took me by surprise. I read it because I was intrigued by the relationship tag between Bucky and Peter and didn’t know how it would work. Spoiler: It works very well. It’s so different from a Tony fic but it’s so precious. Featuring foster kid/homeless Peter Parker. Also a WIP and only in the beginning stages but I sense a really interesting plot. (Warning for attempted sexual assault in one of the chapters! But it’s very, very brief. )

Weak Spot by grilledcheesing

Summary: Peter Parker has been sent back in time hundreds of times after their last face off with Thanos to do the one thing nobody else can: save Tony Stark.

Unfortunately, he has to find a way to kill his past self to do it.

And the last thing Tony is going to do is let him.

Relationship: Tony and Peter

Rating: Teen

Notes: Back on my Tony and Peter bullshit. This author is a very prominent author in the fandom so I’m sure you’ve read at least one of their fics if you’ve read a lot of Homecoming fics, but this is my absolute favorite of theirs. It’s such an interesting (and heartbreaking) concept and it’s another one of those stories that leaves you feeling empty inside. Warning for more character death.

pretending by ace8013

Summary: Natasha reflects on what she noticed.

Relationship: All of the Avengers really, but come on I read it for the Tony and Peter

Rating: Not Rated

Notes: I’m honestly... flabbergasted that this fic has so few kudos. Pls go read it and give it more. It’s really short but so poignant and says so much with so little. I honestly love it so much. It’s in Natasha’s POV which is really interesting and the author really nails her personality. It’s absolutely soul-crushing and it will only take you like 2 minutes to read please just do it. (Warning for so much character death...)

Tony Built a Son by Footloose_Poets

Summary: Peter navigates learning to be human. Tony navigates fathering an android.

Relationship: Tony and Peter

Rating: General Audiences/Teen

Notes: Ohmygosh... this one probably isn’t surprising considering the massive amounts of fanart I’ve drawn for it. The idea is so obvious yet so unique and satisfying to read. The author does an AMAZING job creating a realistic world where Tony builds an android son to keep his loneliness at bay and keeps both Tony and Peter so in character despite the vastly different circumstances from their movie counterparts. And it’s a whole series! Every new installment is a beautiful read, and the author even created a tumblr: @friendly-neighborhood-android to post mini ficlets, art, and factoids in the interim. 

5 Times Peter Thought Tony Was Mad by caraminha

Summary: ... and one time he actually was.

Set a few months after Aunt May's death where Tony is Peter's legal guardian. Navigating a new life together and settling into being father and son is a rollercoaster - falling in love with the kid? Easy. Dealing with a grieving teenager, and trying to figure out how to do this whole parent thing? Uh... not so easy.

Relationship: Tony and Peter

Rating: Teen

Notes: Oh no more dead May. But I promise I only recommend these fics when they’re really well-written! And this is a REALLY good fic. I got so many feels reading this and domestic Tony and Peter really gives me life. Tony messes up a little but more than makes up for it, and then Peter messes up a lot but it’s okay because Tony loves him. It’s so adorable and heartwarming and I had the warm fuzzies the whole time.

Only Human by tonysta_k

Summary: When Flash takes things too far - pushes Peter too far by mentioning his fathers and what happened, Peter can't take it anymore.

Or, an au where after civil war, Steve was put in prison, Tony has a hard time facing his feelings, and Peter just wants to see his pops.

Relationship: Steve/Tony (Past), Tony and Peter

Rating: Teen

Notes: Damn. I don’t even ship Stony. I don’t like it, Steve has hurt Tony too much for me to ever see them as romantically involved, but if Stony just so happens to be in an intriguing Tony and Peter fic... fine, I’ll read it, so sue me. But wowowow did this fic hit me where it really hurts. It’s good because it acknowledges Steve and Tony’s failed relationship and puts Peter right in the middle of a REALLY nasty divorce. It’s really heart-breaking and realistic and claws at your emotions. 10/10 had to hug my parents right after reading. 

for good by Madelinedear

Summary: "Sorry, May, we can't all be best friends with a celebrity.”

May opens her mouth to retort reflexively, the words 'we aren’t even friends' on the tip of her tongue before she closes her mouth. Because they are friends, now. They’re way past that point.

Oh my god, she thinks somewhat hysterically. Tony Stark is my best friend.

(or; Tony Stark, May Parker, and the road to something like friendship)

Relationship: Tony and May

Rating: General Audiences

Notes: YES!!! YES!!! YEEESSSSS!!! Finally, the Tony and May fic I’ve been waiting for!!! To end this rec list on a fluffier note (because boy do I love angst, huh?) this fic is hilarious, heartwarming, and so in-character. It’s a really good study of how May and Tony’s relationship might evolve over time due to their mutual bonding over fiercely loving Peter. It’s everything I ever wanted in a May and Tony friendship fic and more. 

---

And these two are not necessarily Homecoming fics but I have to include them because they are on the list of my all time favorite Spider-Man fics: 

Weaver of Silk and Dreams by a_stands_for

Summary: Ben Parker sighed as he looked up into The Thing's eyes, so expressively human in spite of the rest of his rocky appearance.

“My fifteen-year-old nephew--who's practically my own little boy!--” he choked out with a tight voice, “h-he can't pass for human anymore. He's scared, and he's isolated, and he just needs someone else to talk to! Someone who can understand. Please."

_____

Some alternate realities are unrecognizable, and some are indistinguishable. This one lies somewhere in between.

Peter Parker's life was derailed when he mutated into a strange human/spider hybrid, and he knows that's not the way things went down for him in other realities. Still, he's determined to forge a new path and make the best of it. Sometimes "the friends we made along the way" really is the greatest treasure anyone could ask for.

Relationship: Peter Parker/Wade Wilson (Peter Parker/Johnny Storm)

Rating: Mature

Notes: Okay so this is more based in the comic-verse, but I pictured Tom Holland Spidey while reading it anyways. I don’t even ship Spideypool tbh but I got curious. I didn’t even watch the Deadpool movie or know anything about Deadpool (or the Fantastic Four, who feature prominently in this) but still... it’s SO. GOOD. More spidery Spider-Man isn’t a thing I knew I needed until this fic, and it honestly reads almost like a fantasy. The world-building is incredible and the fic also comes with great drawings to help you visualize this strange new Peter. (Warning though: There are sex scenes. I was kinda hesitant about whether or not I should rec this because of that, but honestly the fic is worth it. I don’t usually like to read fics with sex scenes, but the plot more than makes up for it.)

I Like Birds by chinashopbull (WIP... possibly abandoned?)

Summary: Peter has Asperger’s/ASD. Yes, of course he’s still Spider-Man. Deadpool tries to accommodate, with mixed results.

Some feeble plot happens eventually, blood gets on the walls, etc. I play fast and loose with canon but try to stay true to (what I perceive to be) the spirit of the characters. 

Relationship: Peter Parker/Wade Wilson

Rating: Mature

Notes: Okay, so this fic predates Homecoming so it’s definitely not about that Spidey (even though I picture Tom Holland anyways), the summary doesn’t do it justice, the way the fic portrays Tony Stark makes me sad, and it’s most likely abandoned because it hasn’t been updated since May 2017 (Edit: This totally updated after a whole year. It’s still going!!!)... but hear me out. This fic is worth the heartbreak of reading an abandoned fic. First of all: Autistic Peter!!!!! Written by someone who is autistic themselves so it’s very accurate!!!! I know I say this a lot but the plot is AMAZING. There’s an amazing side story about suicide bombers that’s really intriguing. I love the mystery element of this story so much, it reads as it’s own standalone work of fiction. Also, the slow burn is so slow that the Spideypool never happens, so if that’s not your thing, don’t let that stop you from reading this truly incredible fic. (Warning: A really, really graphic eye injury in one of the earlier chapters that’s pretty gruesome. )

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IS THIS LONG ENOUGH FOR YOU?? If you read any of these fics KUDOS AND COMMENT because the authors deserve your love! Feel free to send me any recs too! You know what I like. ;) 

[shirtlesssammy]

The Man Who Would Be King: 6x20 Recap

Then:

Cas Baby is just doing the best he can.

Now:

Well, here were are, at the pinnacle of Cas episodes (until season 12 came along and we had a gluttonous feast on our hands.) We open with Cas reflecting to the audience on his time spent observing Earth, and humanity; its successes and failures (dried dung can only be stacked so high after all), and he remembers the apocalypse that never came to be. When two boys, a drunk, and a fallen angel rip up the rules, well, how’s he supposed to know if he made the right choice? Goddamn, this monologue really sets up a beautiful episode.

Beauty Break:

Beauty Break Pt. 2:

After the title card, we find Dean cruising around at night in the Impala. Cas flaps in with a, “Hello Dean.” He wonders how Dean is doing, and Dean asks if there’s any news on Crowley. And despite there being quite a bit of very important news about Crowley, Cas says no. Dean says that he’s on his way to meet Sam, who’s tracking a Djinn in Omaha. Cas regrets his inability to help, but Dean gets it, and adds, “No worries. But, Cas, you'll call, right? If you get into real trouble?” Damn, I’m already starting to tear up here, guys.

Cas flaps away to Crowley’s torture den of torture.

Crowley is busy doing a very thorough autopsy on Eve (Fun fact: I didn’t know that was Eve until I read the transcript just now. I’m a fake fan.) Crowley gets a bit testy when Cas asks about Eve opening the door to Purgatory. Crowley doubts Cas’s loyalty and tells him to stay away from the Winchesters (after some heavily implied innuendo about Cas’s trenchcoat.)

Cas admits to the audience that Crowley is right, he still considers himself the Winchesters’ guardian. <Insert lots of sad imagery from Swan Song here> They taught him to fight, and they won, but at a terrible cost. So, our poor, loyal, misguided angel went back to the pits of Hell and retrieved --most of-- Sam.  

Crowley tells Cas to kill the Winchesters, which Cas declines. Crowley loses his shit over underestimating the Winchesters (and in retrospect of season 12, what a weird, sad full circle to this. He never underestimated them, they came to be allies, and he still died --only because he was helping the Winchesters, not trying to hurt them.) Cas orders Crowley to find Purgatory, and to leave the Winchesters alone again.

At Bobby’s, Sam and Bobby interrogate a demon. Dean walks in and motions to Sam and Bobby to talk in private.

Dean tells the others that Cas popped in on him and he lied about what they were up to, and that they were getting close to Crowley. He adds, with great remorse, “You know, he's our friend...And we are lying to him through our teeth.” Oh, Dean. So loyal, so misguided when you let your heart muddle your instincts. The others are still worried he’s working with Crowley. As they admit their feelings, the camera cuts to Cas watching them, without their knowledge. Agghhh. As Bobby worries that they’re dealing with “Superman who's gone dark side”, Dean projects that Sam is Lois Lane (lol, Dean, it’s season 6, we see through your projection bullshit by now.) (And for the record, lying liar Castiel looks SO REMORSEFUL. I FORGIVE YOU!)

Cas knows Dean’s conflicted, and it’s heartbreaking. Bobby heads back to continue knifing info from the demon. Under duress, the demon admits that he doesn’t deal with Crowley. He deals with a demon called Ellsworth (Oh man, this is too good to not believe this is a coincidence. Jim Beaver will always be Bobby now, but there was a time -for a very long time- that he was Ellsworth. Sigh. #TeamDeadwood)

We then get to meet the demon version of Bobby. He deals with lots of bubbling blood phone calls, and the occasional real phone call, while Yeti demons sully his living area with trussed up victims. To neutralize the chances of the Winchesters getting killed, he smites the demons. He justifies to the audience, “I had no choice. I did it to protect the boys. Or to protect myself. I-I don't know anymore.”

Sam, Dean, and Bobby burst into the demon house, but find the place spotless --too spotless. Cas reflects on his motives. After he “saved” Sam, he went back to heaven (specifically his favorite heaven: an autistic man’s day at a park), only to be confronted about what happened in the apocalypse. The angel, Rachel, insists that God brought Cas back to lead the angels (she’s half right), but Cas counters that God wants the angels to have freedom. He then heads to find Raphael, who tells him that he will bow to him and swear his allegiance. After that, they’ll free Michael and Lucifer from the cage and get this show going again. Cas refuses, and tells Raphael he will stop him. Raphael then blasts him back to his heavenly park, and tells him obey or die.

Back at Crowley’s dispatcher headquarters, the boys and Bobby search for clues. Bobby notes that the place is “Mister Clean clean” and it’s...suspicious. Dean suggests calling Cas, to the eyerolled derision of Sam and Bobby. Fed up with their doubts, Dean lays out his argument: Cas broke ranks and laid down his life for them… Also, this is CAS. (I love that this is Dean’s habitual argument regarding Cas. “It’s CAS”)

Sam relents and prays, then Dean gives it a shot. Cas loiters invisibly in the background, too afraid to show himself. He knows he would buckle under their interrogation. Suddenly demons appear out of nowhere, attacking Dean, Sam, and Bobby. Cas recognizes the attackers as Crowley’s elite squad of killers. He’s faced with a choice: don’t intervene and risk losing the Winchesters or save them and face the consequences with Crowley. Castiel sweeps in and smites the demons swiftly and without mercy (starting with Dean’s demon - just sayin’).

*Fans self*

After the fight, everyone puts themselves to rights. Cas tells them that he’s come to the conclusion that Crowley is alive. Dean smiles in relief and prompts Bobby to apologize for doubting him. They confess to Cas that they were hunting Crowley without him, thinking that he may be involved.

Cas acts astonished and a little abashed at this. “Wonders never cease,” the voiceover intones, “They trusted me again.” And then...Cas earns a new nickname as the most foolish angel of the garrison when he goes on to chuckle, “It is a little absurd though. Superman going to the darkside?” Bobby and Sam exchange significant looks and Dean’s face just falls entirely. Cas just let slip that he was spying on them.

Oh, Dean Bean.

Later, Cas busts through the doors of Crowley’s weird little dissection chamber.

For Science:

Cas is pissed that Crowley tried to kill the Winchesters. Crowley is astonished that Cas could possibly be so blind. Cas, he maintains, wants the Winchesters to believe in the good and righteous Castiel so that he can believe it just a little bit longer. Instead, Cas needs to realize that he is down in the dirt right alongside Crowley. If he’d only take care of those Winchesters...

Cas takes him by the coat and shoves him against the wall so hard he breaks tiles. “If you touch a hair on their heads, I will tear it all down. Our arrangement. Everything.” He flaps out. GOD Cas is so smitey in this episode I love it UNAPOLOGETICALLY.

And we flap back in time to how Cas got into this mess in the first place. After Raphael beat the shit out of him, Cas went to Dean, who was raking leaves outside of Lisa’s house. He arrived invisible at first and as he watched Dean, he found he didn’t have the heart to take him from his well earned rest.

While Cas contemplates his options, Crowley pops in. He’d like to propose a little business arrangement. “It all comes down to the souls in the end,” Crowley says. “I’m talking about Raphael’s head on a pike. I’m talking about happy endings for all of us with all possible entendres intended.” CROWLEY, you absolute delight. Anyway, Crowley begs for just five minutes of Cas’s time. Cas agrees and follows Crowley into Hell, assuming he can outwit that lesser demon any day. After all, Castiel’s “an angel, you ass.”

Crowley leads Cas through the new Hell, an interminable waiting room line designed to torture even the most insatiable masochist. Cas insists that his only options with Raphael are to submit or die. “What are you, French?” Crowley asks. There’s another way, sunshine. Crowley 1) proposes that Cas start a civil war in Heaven and 2) that he loan Cas some soul power to get him started. Crowley expertly strokes Cas’s ego while offering him options to join his side. If they can get at Purgatory they can split the souls between them. They just need to figure out how to get there.

“Wouldn’t you rather have me in charge down here?” Crowley asks. “The devil you know?” Cas can save everyone. He can preserve what Dean and Sam worked so hard for. “God chose you to save us,” he says. And Cas buckles at last.

Cas, powered by the power of 50,000 souls and a hefty dose of pride, heads back to Heaven and blasts Raphael into next Tuesday. “There will be no apocalypse,” Cas announces. Angels are either with him or against him.

Back on earth, Sam and Dean hunker down in the demon dispatcher’s headquarters. Dean prays to Cas, asking for a meeting. Cas arrives promptly, convinced he’s in their good graces. They greet him casually, whisky glasses in hand. Sam tells Cas that they have a way to track down Crowley. It’s CAS...dun dun dun. He throws a match down and captures Cas in a ring of holy fire.

They ask him about spying. “You know who spies on people, Cas?” Dean asks insightfully. “Spies.” They interrogate him about the overly polished dispatcher headquarters and Crowley’s mistaken bones. Cas tries to explain his way out of the predicament but then Dean asks him to look him in the eye and tell him he isn’t working with Crowley. Cas can’t do it. He looks away.

(Me: tries not to clutch my heart at this. Fails.)

Cas tries to protest that he did everything he did to protect everyone. He tries to play what he thinks should be his ace up his sleeve. “Sam, I am the one who raised you from perdition.”

Everyone raises their heads at this and Sam sniffs, “No offense, but you did a pretty piss poor job of it. Wait. Did you bring me back soulless on purpose?”

Cas is appalled that Sam would think that and tries to back up, explaining his war against Raphael. “I had no choice.” Dean tells him that he had a choice and made the wrong one. He bites out that he shouldn’t have made another deal with the devil. Cas tries to throw it back on Dean. Maybe he was wrong, but where was Dean this whole time?

“I was there,” Dean tells him. “Where were you?” Cas reluctantly agrees that he should have approached the Winchesters for help but it’s too late now. From the distance, demons swirl towards the building.

“I can’t turn back now,” Cas says frantically. He shouts at them all to run. Dean looks back once, a world of pain in his eyes, and then they’re gone.

Demons smoke into the building and Crowley arrives. Oh lookee at the mess. He snaps his fingers and the holy fire ring whiffs out. “You know what I see here? The new god. The new devil working together.”

Cas has had enough and tells Crowley to GTFO. “You know the difference between you and me?” Crowley asks as a parting shot. “I know what I am. What are you, Castiel? What exactly are you willing to do?” (<-- Ah, the thesis statement.)

Cas flaps into Bobby’s cabin later and Dean wakes to find him standing at the foot of the couch. Cas tries one more time to explain to Dean his mission. “I’m doing this for you, Dean,” Cas insists.

Dean tells him he’s a “friggin’ child” and begs him to stop, merely on the strength of their familial connection. “You gotta trust me, man.”

“Or what,” Cas asks ominously. (Or stabby stabby.) Dean and Cas part without peace between them.

Flash forward again to Cas sitting on the bench finishing his prayer. “That’s everything. I believe that’s what you call a tragedy from the human perspective.” He looks at the sky and begs, one last time, for direction. “Am I on the right path? You have to give me a sign. Give me a sign…” His prayer breaks down, showing how desperate and scared he is. “If you don’t, I’m gonna do...whatever I must.”

Natasha: I’m never ready to have my heart broken by this episode. The framing device of a prayer to God for help is so beautifully done. It creates an air of desperation while threading together what is essentially a long running montage in a cohesive way. It ties Cas to Heaven, to Hell, to Earth, and to Dean. Everything builds to a crescendo and at the end we all sit, stunned, with what we had thought of Castiel in shards around our feet.

You Never Look Like You’re Quoting:

The stench of that Impala’s all over your overcoat, angel.

Sometimes we’re lucky enough to be given a warning.

Am I the only game piece on the board who doesn’t underestimate those denim wrapped nightmares?!

He is the Balky Bartokomous of Heaven.

If I knew then what I know now, I might have said. That’s simple. Freedom is a length of rope. God wants you to hang yourself with it.

Explaining freedom to angels is a bit like teaching poetry to fish.

You never look like you’re joking.

This is not how synergy works.

I wanna help you help me help ourselves.

I’m an angel, you ass. I don’t have a soul to sell.

Lucifer was a petulant child with daddy issues.

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