#i am too afraid to check
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WAIT wasn't the last line of the last fifty shades book something like their kid is nursing and christian grey says "he likes tits. got it from me" or did I dream that up
I can't I can't I can't I can't
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I wonder how many works there are on AO3 about brizzo during the 2016 season
#i am too afraid to check#bet theres at least some#that's kris bryant and anthony rizzo from the 2016 chicago cubs for people who dont know baseball and/or were not in chicago in 2016
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Oh wait that's so cool
So basically sex ed + acting workshop
(auto translation)
#winter is not the death of summer but the birth of spring#i wonder if they read some of the babying comments on MDL that basically were like#“main actor with 18yo too young to have ever just heard about sex existing but has to play sex scenes anyways”#🙄#I mean I am afraid they did indeed read that because new and indie companies always check comment#making of nc scenes
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Blog as confessional moment look away or dont ^-^
#Three things to say about chess guy that i feel too embarrassed to tell anyone in my life because i am afraid of talking about him too much:#1. i check on our game like once a day at different random times each day and somehow for the past like 3-4 days every time ive checked#its been exactly one hour since he did and im getting freaked being synced like this#2. 2 of my best friends work in [scientific field] and i hear about it all the time. ive had one conversation with this guy about [field]#at thrift store i see shirt with huge ironic lettering saying [field] across the front. and immediately thought of him before either of the#3. he is now doing his own research on the pool water dinner situation and sending me CDC links about chlorine in water and its really#getting to me i really find it extraordinarily endearing and amusing and bizarre
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i had to do another doodle of today's OF content to get my late night drawing fix somehow since i can't keep staying up for them most nights lol
#käärijä#khaarija#time for me to go to sleep#and probably not actually fall asleep before midnight and check on my phone in bed what fresh hell they're unleashing on us tomorrow..#the last two have been too tame i am Afraid
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Me: (has never understood the appeal of reader x character fanfiction)
Jing Yuan: Hi
Me:
Me:....
Me: (sighs) well, fuck. (Opens Tumblr)
#honkai star rail#honkai starrail#jing yuan#reader x jing yuan#no i have not checked ao3 yet i am too afraid#see i started this game because of himeko#then Kafka#and like i don't prefer men most of the time#because ✨women✨😳#but omg does this man have a hold on me#i wish he was real so i could date him#im so glad i won the 50/50 and got him
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as i'm waiting for my new tablet to arrive i'm reminded why i don't shop online ever and hate paying in advance for something i haven't been able to hold in my hands yet.
it's starting to seem like it won't arrive before my birthday tomorrow so i am officially livid. i specifically picked a store that wasn't far away and promised delivery on the 28 at the earliest but it looked like they only shipped it on the 28th judging by the status 😒 the one time I order a gadget online instead of going directly to a store and this happens. birthday officially ruined.
#i am genuinely so livid i've been livid for days#i ordered a week in advance it should have arrived it's only from moscow to saint petersburg#i was checking the status update and it hadn't changed for the first 3 days after creating the order#so it's not that they failed to deliver at the earliest date it's that they didn't even try#i tell you i haven't been this mad in a long time i am fuming#sorry im not the best conversationalist when im like this#it looks like the case will arrive from another country faster than fucking moscow#ugh there's a reason everyone hates moscow#im so livid im shaking i tell you#i can't concentrate#this is pointless but i needed to vent#also explain why i might be in such a shitty mood for my birthday#which is tomorrow#it was the only thing i was looking forward to#i was this close to cancelling the order on like 26th or 27th to order from a different store#but i was afraid they will take too long to return the money (could be like a week) so yeah#i know i chose badly but they were promising 28th and i naively thought they would deliver#other stores' window was from 29th#i know it's stupid but it really has ruined my birthday cause it's all i can think about
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im so sick of embarrassment and anxiety being kind of in control of ?my entire life? at this point
#when someone maturely points out a behavior of mine they are politely asking me to stop doing or is even just checking to make sure im ok#i burst into tears#and no one is more bothered about that than me IM SO SICK OF CRYING OVER NOTHING#IM SO SICK OF MAKING A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLEHILL#IM SO SICK OF BEING COMPLETELY UNABLE TO REGULATE MY FEELINGS#Is it repression when i try to cheer myself up or is it wallowing in self pity when i just let myself cry#is it proof of decent willpower and self motivation skills that i can and will make myself do something i Don't Fucking Want To Do#or am i just not taking care of myself#secret: its the second thing but the REAL problem is that i need to be okay with it#it needs to not be a problem#i love doing mock trial but all the stress around it makes me want to quit but we're so close to regionals and i cant do that to the team#and i hate that i want to quit and i hate that the reason im not quitting is because im afraid of being embarrassed by doing so#and i hate myself andmy feelings and my irresponsibility and im still just half-assing my assignments#and i have a lot of casual friends but i know for a fact im not anyones best friend im not anyones favorite friend and#i want people to ask me to hang out but im worried that if i dont then it looks like im not interested but im worried that#if i do it too much i look desperate and like im imposing myself and like im . well this phrasing is painful for other reasons but#im scared of acting like im closer friends with someone than they think we are#and i dont know where the line is and i dont know what to do or what to say all i know how to do is make small talk and#exaggerate my facial expressions and tell a stupid fucking joke every 3 seconds#i like my life but im so fucking sick of the fact that *im* the one living it#i dont even want to be someone else i just want to be a version of myself thats not a fucking loser#who can actually put effort into assignments without wanting to throw my laptop out the window#who can be normal about other people#who doesn't have the dumbest fucking anxiety disorder ever#who consistently memorizes the stuff i need to know and can improvise on the fly#who's not an embarrassment to my team and also That One Guy They Keep Letting Hang Out With Us For Some Reason to my friendgroups#who can answer questions in class without looking like a suckup and also does it the right amount to make an impression but not enough to b#embarrassing#who can FUCKING talk to someone instead of making a vent post on *tumblr dot com*#for fucks sake i even wish i didnt use tumblr so much. maybe if i could get into a different social media that's normal i wouldn't be so
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fucking hell i hate being sick so much
#marzivents#before the autoimmune shit being sick was annoying but i could get through it#it was fine. i didn’t like it but it was always over in like 2-3 days#i wouldn’t even miss school unless i was running a noticeable fever#(though by high school i kinda stopped checking)#now though? being sick is so much more treacherous than before#i have to rest so much. log this symptom manage that symptom keep your doctors updated#don’t stress out too bad! don’t wanna trigger a flareup#it’s scary. a cold could land me in the hospital if i’m not careful#plus. the symptoms of a cold feel a lot worse when your autoimmune flareups start like colds#it’s just the worst. am i gonna have to spend the rest of my life afraid of the common cold#how the fuck do i go about being immunosuppressed without developing germaphobia#i know that in a year or two this will feel normal and i’ll be used to it#but right now it’s still new and it’s so so frightening#it feels like everyone is sick all of the time. at any given point in time 2 of my friends have some sort of cold#this winter season has been especially abysmal#but even before then. several folks i knew had walking pneumonia in the summer#there’s all these outbreaks always happening. it’s terrifying#plus there’s the inconveniences of missed class time#i don’t want to miss school. i like school. i want to go and learn and get my degree#but i have to rest so i can’t go to class which fucks up my grades which stresses me out#which makes me more likely to get sick later! it’s fucking awful#i dunno. i need to go to bed i think. i’m just… stressed and tired and sick of it
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just wanna ask, are you planning to upload the stardew sims up to the gallery? :o
hi! i won't upload them to the gallery because they've too much cc and i haven't updated the game in months, but i can upload their tray files later on today ❤️
#i just need to make elliot maru penny and sam and i can post the other part#alex and leah are made already#but i will upload the first batch tonight when i get the chance 🤞#need to catch up on assignments#i am too afraid to check their due dates because i fear it may have already been due 💀💀#ask
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I fucking HATE how the fandom treats m.ine. it's so bad 😭
#ash rambles 💚#so many shitty takes... too much time on twitter ruins a man#i hear one more person call him a crazy obsessive yandere and i think I'm actually gonna lose it#he's either portrayed like that or as one half of a ship#his actual character is lost on so many people because oOoOOoOOooOoO mInE wAs GaY#i dont doubt that he likes men. it's just that I've seen so many people be weird about it-#also. it's not fucking sexy to wanna kill your partner. a bullet between the eyes isn't an act of love.#I saw a tweet today about how m.ine actually wanted to kill k.iryu because he thought d.aigo liked k.iryu romantically#and m.ine only wants d.aigo to himself. and THAT'S why m.ine wanted to kill k.iryu.#let that sink in. 😐.#i hate how the fandom treats him SO MUCH#i will sit in my corner here. and i will kiss m#m.ine. and we will kiss a lot. and things are good. we are happy. we are far away from all of that.#I'm not saying every fan of his is horrible. I've seen a lot of great stuff and content! but holy shit I've seen some horrible stuff too#and it's hard to not feel like I'm doing something wrong by shipping with him. by loving a guy who the world has always hated.#and ofc I'm not! but still! even whenever i rb content of him here I'm always so afraid ajdhajsj#like ah yes this is the day i finally get cancelled on tumblr dot com for (checks notes) ... shipping with y.oshitaka m.ine??#I'm honestly afraid to take him up to being an official f/o ajdhajsb i think he'll stay in crush jail a little while longer..#i hate how the fandom perceives him so much!!!!!!! i also just hate the y.akuza fandom in general lmao#i do also like k.iryu so.. I've seen shit 😐#I'll delete this later but oh boy i am in a mood#and i know this isnt the first time I've blogged about this#and for that i do apologize. but i really do love this guy and despite wanting to look for content of him i always end up finding the most#infuriating shit!#i know he's done fucked up things. he's not a great guy. but! our relationship is built on mutual trust and i will NEVER write any of that#creepy obsessive shit that the stupid fandom always portrays him as doing! he's not going to kill someone for getting too close to me-#I'm just... upset- get behind me honey! I'll shield you!#and by kissing him I'm not brushing over any of the shit he does in the game. yes he beheaded that guy. yeah he slapped that orphan.#but i adore him and omg i hit tag limit... oopsie daisy lol sorry guys 😭 I'm really sorry for always talking abt this#you were beautiful 💸
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🤨
Ft @bonesbeenshatesstickbugs’s spidersona Mike, and everyone’s favorite guy Gabriel O’Hara
#the Spanish translates to ‘I need that old man’#when Miguel forgets he’s not the only one here who speaks spanish#he’s not doing it to be sexy he’s just stupid#my art#across the spiderverse#peter b parker#miguel o’hara#others ocs#MIKE!!! I don’t remember his last name and am too afraid to click out of the app to check#gabriel o’hara#Peter b x Miguel#miguel x peter#I don’t know if this ship has a name sorry
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What I am learning from existing around people who date is that apparently if you want to date someone you just… tell people you think they’re attractive and then ask them to go on a date? And if they say yes then you hang out and essentially conduct an extended vibe check to see if you’d both be down to clown in whatever way you both desire? And then you keep doing that until you decide the vibes are bad or you die, and throughout this process you’ll likely get to know them very deeply in some personal and intimaste way?? Essentially, dating is basically deciding to make a deep connection with someone based on an aesthetic vibe check???
#I thought you needed the emotional connection first??#or maybe you do?#I don’t get it#like do you just see ppl and be like hell yeah they’re pretty I’d fuck them and then go and tell them that#or do you see someone and be like hell yeah they’re pretty and then once you know them you start wanting to fuck them?#do all allo ppl experience both? or do they mainly feel the first? or the second?#this is making me think I’m maybe not Demi but just have so much shame & fear around sexuality that I freak out at the get to know you part#like. I think it’s not often but I DO see ppl when I’m out and about that make me go 😍😍#but usually I don’t approach them cause I have too much social anxiety and am afraid of rejection and people confuse tf out of me#dating rules are confusing#so if I see someone I like and I talk to them I go the friend route first cause then I can check the vibes & figure out how to talk to them#but then sometimes ppl I didn’t go 😍 for initially make my heart flutter and go 😍 later#and that’s confusing and I feel bad cause I didn’t know that was gonna happen and I feel like I need to hide it#but why#there’s no shame in finding someone attractive?#if I suddenly find someone attractive that’s normal? maybe?#it’s not bad though#WILD#googoogajoob
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its wallowing hours! again.
#vwoop.noises#I'm sorry for like. One of these daily. I am trying to . Not#But my journal is only so effective opposite attention seeking...#I have been having an extended episode for a bit now and I just don't know how 2 distract myself anymore :(#They were not lying. Mental illness has hands#And I am substantially self aware too like I Know. When too much is too much for other people. It's just rough out here!#I wish I wasn't so dependent and suchlike#And I should do school stuff but like. I don't want to do anything at all because of The Episode. Just like. rot#Stuff that would usually cheer me up sorta got hit in the crossfire of other brainstuff too so its like. Sad Mrew Noises :(#nondescript personality disorders . Am I right gang#Well it's descript to me. But you see. People are so mean in this world and I am afraid people would think differently of me...#even tho. It Checks Out. It's not a well-kept secret#i should probably make a tag for when I'm Wallowing so it's easily filtered but like. I don't want people going thru it#Or to tag as The Catchall. Events. Because people go through that to be weird yknow.
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At this point I don't care about the hot swordsman with Orphic themes at all. I only care about the heathcliffean master craftsman
#*they said less than 24 hours after finishing a book on traditional Chinese fencing with the jian*#A lot of things reminded me of Jingliu. Some of them of Blade‚ yes. And perhaps even more things about Jing Yuan#But many many things reminded me of Jingliu#I may save some lines here later#Anyway... They didn't have to make Yingxing a revengeful shy self-conscious child#regarded as nothing in the society he grew up in but that came to be an arrogant craftsman skilled beyond any expectation#Yet they did#And now I am bound to love him#It's like they took the traits of my favourite type of character‚ story‚ trope and motif#and shaped them into a very aesthetically pleasant man#But I'm so mad. I can't stop thinking about him. He haunts my every hour#It's been what? Two months almost? In the rare occasions in which I'm not thinking about him I'm thinking about Jing Yuan#What a good character he is. And totally the type of character I love too. Checks all the boxes#Goodness I am so afraid of being let down by their writing. The potential is so good#The pieces are so well set‚ the parts are so neatly crafted together for now. It would be such a pity to waste it all#I talk too much#I should probably delete this later
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Ugggh.
#I am not doing the best but I will pretend I am!#My brother (the only one of my siblings that don't live with us and actually the one I helped moved last Saturday) is dealing with a lot#Like two weeks ago or something he had some exetremly high blood pressure and he ended up in the emergency room#Yesterday he went to the doctor again for a check up and she told him something is extremely wrong#She didn't tell him anything else other than that and the closest appointment he can get is August and I know he's exetremly worried#I love all my siblings so much but we were forced to live with my dad his girlfriend and her kids and he was the only thing I had there#I don't know if things will be okay#Ugggh too try to take my mind off of things I have been thinking maybe I should try going to college but I'm afraid if I'll fail#Sorry if you read this things are weird and I'm real worried about my brother#Anyway back to pretending things are fine!#May delete later
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