#i am thinking of multiple characters but in particular im bitching

[exmeowstic]

it is in fact 1 am which means were approaching bastion little bit of a bitch moments again

[dungeonmeshi-confessions]

I wanna do more kabumisu positivity following that other anon. it really brightened my day so much.

bc really I dont want to bash other ships to lift mine up!!! and I actually also really love and respect labru, and know the majority of labru shippers arent Like That, just like most kabumisu shippers arent Like That. every group has some annoying, loud, opinionated people and they dont represent the average person who likes the ship, you know? I would love to see some labrus follow suit and send in some positivity as well!!! If the positivity keeps going I will come in here and post all my fave things about labru, labru art, and labru shippers as a kabumisu. lets ditch the bitching and hold hands instead!

anyway, some reasons I really love kabumisu

- as a neurodivergent disabled person dating another neurodivergent person, this is like. THE couple to me. and like its not just about mithrun being taken care of. taking care of mithrun actively helps kabru be more mindful of his own needs. In my life, I may struggle to feed myself, but I can make breakfast if my partner is hungry. other times she may do the same for me, it depends on who is doing worse.

-they both struggle with insomnia also

-from everything we've seen, pre-dungeon mithrun wasn't entirely dissimilar to kabru (high masking people pleaser) and thats Fascinating to me.

-kabru's job seems pretty stressful (no matter how much fulfillment it brings him, its a lot of responsibility for one person!) so I feel like coming home to that one guy he can take his mask off around and not even have to try and impress must be such a huge relief. also add mithrun with cooking experience to this, making kabru a nice meal after a long day of work.

-Mithrun is actually very perceptive and sees straight through kabru's bs multiple times and doesn't hesitate to call him out. Laios isnt the only character that forces kabru to be honest. ("unless theres someone else?" "theres someone you want to tell that story to.") mithrun is also the one who gives kabru the information he's been seeking this whole time.

-I am very interested in exploring mithruns whole desire situation. what desires does he gain? I think it is probably a lot of little ones that weave together. oh also I think sometimes things may seem more mithrun centric bc in any story where he is going to end up in a relationship he is going to have a much more dynamic arc than whoever he is paired with. literally dynamic as in like. he requires a lot more growth to achieve the outcome. and there are ways to skip it or gloss through it but. a lot of these stories require that in some way you show the progress has happened.

-to me, kabumisu is more often queeplatonic than romantic. but Im aroace so that could just be my aroace glasses. ALSO kabru is vaguely aro to me. you mean the guy thats super desirable that doesnt really seem interested in anyone particular outside of pursuing friendship? that guy? (also the way he did rin omfg)

-random but I dont think kabrus PTSD is talked about enough and also like the extent of his trauma. its not just utaya/monsters/his mom dying; its being raised by a single mother, its his blue eyes, its being adopted, its being raised by an elf, etc!!!! a lot of things he does bc of ptsd get attributed to autism (I also hc kabru as autistic, and some is symptom overlap. but it is secondary to the ptsd! he is traumatized first and foremost ty) I really love kabru so much. ty for the ptsd rep <3

-also out here to say I know an amount of kabumisu content is mithrun centric. I will tell you from my pov specifically though its bc I deeply relate to mithrun (as someone who once told a therapist many years ago I desired nothing and truly meant it. she said I was like a puppet without strings. of course I saw mithrun and was like. oh.) and Im in love with kabru. kabru reminds me of all the people who gave me a reason to pull through. people who saw good in me and treated me like a person when I didnt feel like one. I also really relate to kabru though as someone with complex trauma, even if my traumas are not the same. thats why I say I think not enough is attributed to his ptsd. anyway, once I just opened a notebook and wrote kabrus name over and over again with hearts. I have never done this to mithrun. so dont tell me kabumisus dont like kabru !!!

-kabru and mithrun are both so gender. Ive seen so many variants on their gender and gender expression in the ship. some people hate this and insist they must be one way or the other. I think theyre neat lots of different ways. I love when theyre both feminine men. I love when mithrun is super masc. I love when theyre butch4butch. I love when theyre both trans. and so much more. its all beautiful. a very good variety of food. the other day on my dash I had a tallman art of mithrun with the biggest tits imaginable and the very next post he was like a little porcelain doll. keep up the good work guys. I love you.

.

[aetherceuse]

So.

It's been a few weeks since I announced taking a step back from Lusamine's blog, and, I think I'm at a point where I can put my struggles into words.

Before I get into my issue, I'm politely asking that this post is read and digested. In the past, whenever I post about something that I am struggling with in terms of roleplay and community interaction, my post has been used as a springboard for the dash to turn into "vent hour." That isn't what I want. I'm genuinely asking for people to read this, to digest it, and respect the fact that I am having a major issue with writing this character, which has been preventing me from actually being active-- and it is rooted in how the muse, and her information, has been treated.

I'm not tagging this as drama, because it is not drama. This isn't pointed at any individuals, because frankly, it's an issue I have had with writing villains my entire life, and it's only been amplified on Lusamine's blog in particular.

For starters: Lusamine is a beloved muse of mine. She is one of my favorites to sit down, dissect, and write about. It's important for people to understand that all of my canon muses are retellings in a way, but with Lusamine, that's ESPECIALLY important to understand. This Lusamine is not canon, she is a retelling, with her own backstory and world-relevant lore that is very important for people to read, grasp, and understand before proceeding forward with interactions.

However, it doesn't seem as though people really-- respect that, or even bother to read the bio and headcanons that I've written on her. I can tell, because a lot of the interactions I get are people reacting to canon events that haven't happened in my retelling. Mother Beast, for example, hasn't happened, and I've stated that multiple times over and over, yet that seems to be falling on deaf ears.

I really need my writing partners to actually read my content, and understand what I'm doing. I don't write headcanon posts and bios just because I wanna take up space on Tumblr dot com. I write them because they're a crucial part of what I'm doing.

And honestly-- that's not even the biggest issue I've had.

It is EXHAUSTING to open my ask box on a daily basis, and deal with asks sent in just calling her: bitch, cunt, 'Lusa-mean', 'Lusa-bitch', whatever. I don't think you guys understand how mentally taxing, and depressing that is for me. I get it. I'm writing the villain. Lusamine hasn't done great things. But I feel as though people are forgetting that there is an actual, human person sitting behind the inbox, who is writing a character that he loves-- and instead of getting thoughtful engagement, it's a barrage of "bitch." I've had to block people for doing this (IF you are reading this post on the dashboard, that means you're not guilty of doing this.).

But, this extends to the dashboard too. I feel as though I cannot write or do anything without someone dash comming or being automatically aggressive the moment Lusamine even so much as opens her mouth.

It's really, really not fun to be minding my business, and receive asks, IM's, or dash comms of this nature-- especially when I'm trying to write a complex character. I pour my heart and soul into what I write. And it's really sad that I have all of this stuff that people could be reading, interacting with, and reacting too-- and instead people just focus on all of the potential trauma that Lusamine could subject them to. It's not fun. At all. It really makes me feel like shit. I don't want to be used as the target of someone's parental trauma. Just because I am writing a villain, does not mean I am consenting to be nothing but an angst punching bag. I want to write stories, not just receive one-liners and zingers and "AH HAH, GOTCHAS!" in my ask box.

Frankly, I do not have nearly this much of a problem on any of my other antagonist blogs. Even though I'm still subject of whump at many times, it's not nearly as bad anywhere else, as it is on Lusamine's blog. It's really discouraging, and it makes me feel like I'm writing something that people don't really have any care or interest for. I get that my writing can be a little strange and off putting. I know that I dig into uncomfortable topics. It's not for everybody, but, I've never been the type of person to try and appeal to the greater audience. I'm very niche.

We talk about communication in this community a lot. We talk about wanting to interact. We talk about feeling as though engagement is down. And while I sit here and write this, I'm reflecting on that ongoing issue. I really feel as though we can improve the health of peoples' experience in this RPC if we-- y'know-- actually sat down, read what our partners are writing-- and ask questions/engage with it.

I don't know when I'll return to Lusamine's blog. I'm not deleting it obviously, I've put a lot of hard work into her character. But, until I feel as though there's a genuine interest in reading what I have going on, and engaging with it fairly, I'm going to keep my focus on Proton-- because, honestly, I feel really insecure on this account. At least over on Proton, it seems as though people are reading my glitch lore, respecting my muse/worldbuilding, and interacting with it. And it means the world to me. I hope to have that here one day too.

[pathos-p]

"Weirdly Specific Artist Ask Game" but i got tagged in it so i am gonna answer all of them 'cause theyre fun

questions by @/i-like-eyes

thanks for the tag @king-chook!! ^^

1. Art programs you have but don't use

i thiiink i have a license for clip studio paint that came with my old wacom tablet but i never rly used it. also used to have krita installed for the longest time but just always felt off to me idk why. don't currently have it installed anymore tho

2. Is it easier to draw someone facing left or right (or forward even)

to their right is a bit easier i think. not smth i consciously notice, mostly i'm just thinking abt when im doodling on the margins of stuff they usually are looking to the left of the page

3. What ideas come from when you were little

uhhh idk tbh, i dont think much of my art draws from that

4. Fav character/subject that's a bitch to draw

cityscapes !!! i love cities they r so pretty and cool looking but goddamn theyre so hard to draw

5. Estimate of how much of your art you post online vs. the art you keep for yourself

80-20? i post everything that i finish. basically the only stuff that doesnt get posted is sketches i give up on

6. Anything that might inspire you subconsciously (i.e. this horse wasn't supposed to look like the Last Unicorn but I see it)

hmmmm not that i can think of rn...

7. A medium of art you don't work in but appreciate

watercolour !! i've tried it a few times and Struggled but i love seeing ppl's work in it

8. What's an old project idea that you've lost interest in

so many animatics ..................... also many comic ideas ..................... i get so many ideas that i just never start on or start and only do a little before losing the hyperfocus/fixation and just Cannot continue them. it sucks

9. What are your file name conventions

usually the character name, maybe a bit of description of what theyre doing... idk not much of a convention to it

10. Favorite piece of clothing to draw

hmm i like jackets :)

11. Do you listen to anything while drawing? If so, what

yes, usually music. sometimes random youtube videos like stream highlights or video essays.

12. Easiest part of body to draw

uhhh hair? maybe idk. hard question bc it varied a lot depending on what kinda style and just. sometimes smth is hard in a particular drawing then easy later idk

13. A creator who you admire but whose work isn't your thing

i cant think of anything i will edit it in if i think of anyone

14. Any favorite motifs

in my drawings i dont feel like i use any much. mostly i pull motifs from whatever im doing fanart of lol. in music, i like religious motifs (but not like. ones abt christ or bible stories, rather heaven, hell, god/divinity, angels)

15. *Where* do you draw (don't drop your ip address this just means do you doodle at a park or smth)

at home pretty much exclusively. in bed lol

16. Something you are good at but don't really have fun doing

idk i feel like the stuff im better at is the stuff i like bc i practice it more for fun lol

17. Do you eat/drink when drawing? if so, what

not usually

18. An estimate of how much art supplies you've broken

surprisingly little. mostly bc i do more digital art lol

19. Favorite inanimate objects to draw (food, nature, etc.)

weapons and nature. especially ice for nature

20. Something everyone else finds hard to draw but you enjoy

i cant think of anything ill add it if i do

21. Art styles nothing like your own but you like anyways

i love rougher styles, like ones with a lot of visible brushstrokes and bold lines and shit. so cool. idk how to make it look good lol i dont have the confidence in my lines for it

22. What physical exercises do you do before drawing, if any

none... probably i should change that

23. Do you use different layer modes

yeah, often i use a multiple layer for shading then a variety to colour adjust at the end

24. Do your references include stock images

sometimes

25. Something your art has been compared to that you were NOT inspired by

cant think of any

26. What's a piece that got a wildly different interpretation from what you intended

there was this poem i wrote about capitalism and how shit it is and someone thought it was abt interpersonal relationships/smth along the lines of a breakup. i rly didnt mind it tho i thought it was cool bc the emotion was not far off, the sense of betrayal and abandonment. just a very very different subject

27. Do you warm up before getting to the good stuff? If so, what is it you draw to warm up with

no lol

28. Any art events you have participated in the past (like zines)

i ran a zine (digital only) for the dimension 20 zine jam! and also made art+writing for others in that :D also was part of a polygon yt fanzine a while back

29. Media you love, but doesn't inspire you artistically

spider-man (not the MCU, mostly tasm and a few of the comics)

30. What piece of yours do you think is underrated

IS IT BAD TO SAY A PIECE THAT GOT QUITE A BIT OF POSITIVE ATTENTION ?? maybe

i rly like the cj comic i did i am genuinely so goddamn happy with the result so . even tho it did very well by the standards for the fandom its for and my current follower base it is underrated

alternatively this one https://www.tumblr.com/pathos-p/704380503765221377/tridential-sovereignty?source=share bc it didnt get all that much attention on any social media site but i think its cool !!

(mostly only using recent ones bc i dont wanna dig back further esp onto my old twt acct, too much work lol)

[henswilsons]

omg it’s the young royals anon here and i just that you finished season 2, what did you think!!

omg lovely anon i was just thinking of u!!! i have literally been thinking of nothing BUT young royals for like a week because one of my friends is doing a first time watch rn so this could not have come at a better time

i’ll also put this under a read-more bc my thoughts got very long sadgfhdsfh

well i mean i absolutely loved it!!!!!!!!!!! i forgot how much i missed everyone until i saw them all again and was like :’’’’)))) WILLE!! FELICE!!!!! SIMON!!! MADDIE!! I love you i love you i love you. (+ felice’s 2 gay bffs whose names i admittedly can’t remember but who stole every scene they were in and had the best hair and clothes.) (which btw that storyline in particular mwah mwah mwah). sara was already on the rocks from how she ended last season but she did kinda get on my nerves this season because of how she was lying to everyone. It was so sad too because i was rooting so hard for her!!! like she and felice (+the girls) would have these lovely moments together and i was like i love them :’) and then i’d remember that sara was willingly still hooking up with august (puke) despite KNOWING what he did to her own BROTHER and i was like oh yeah no. so i did also know the felice/sara reveal was going to happen but it still made me sad bc felice deserves better and also actually so does sara!!!!!! get away from august !! this isn’t you queen!!!!

speaking of august (vomit) – he was SUCH an intriguing character this season. For a second i thought they were trying to give him a redemption arc and i wasn’t sure how i felt about it, because i disliked him so deeply in s1 and i was kinda annoyed that the redemption arc was sorta working. but then he was a lil bitch again so i felt much better. He ended the season the mud where he belongs <3

(though the 1 thing i Am nervous about is whoever that guy who is now Prefect or whatever—like they set him up to be so cartoonishly awful im afraid august is going to have his redemption arc in s3 where he returns as prefect and everyone’s like oh august you’re so much better than this current prefect who’s basically gone mad with power!!! And this is entirely a personal opinion bc i Do Not like august even if i can begrudgingly admit he is in a position where a redemption arc wouldn’t be unfathomable but i do not want that. let him get exposed and rot thank u x)

wille/simon ofc wrecked me. i love love loved them this season, tho forever salty their first s2 kiss was with wille in that hideous wig (like im sorry but that was acc the worst costume party ever, like if my school tried to put me in a powdered wig i’d be like absolutely not). i think their back-n-forth throughout the season was so sad and so lovely and also so realistic (like both actors ate this season but wille’s actor in particular, like hello mr edvin ryding!!!) though selfishly i do wish it had been resolved a little sooner, i think things kinda went around in circles for a lil bit. Also while i absolutely adored wille in his bad bitch era i think in a way that was what is keeping s1 a little higher than s2 if that makes any sense? like s1 was so tender and quiet and so grounded and s2 was the same but it felt a little more….. dramatic (which duh yeah it’s a teen drama) but i didn’t obsess over that as much. having said that wille vs august would be the only youtuber boxing event i’d pay to see and wille threatening to abdicate bc his bf was doing karaoke with another dude is still the funniest thing ever.

although actually on the point of Marcus – what was his point!!! i both felt kinda bad for him and wanted to shake him. like yeah sorry you have Other Love Interest In A Teen Drama Syndrome but also simon told you multiple times he didn’t want a relationship/made it pretty clear he wasn’t over his past relationship and Marcus was like no baby true love can conquer all <3 and then got mad when it didn’t. like don’t get me wrong i do think simon didn’t treat Marcus the best but honestly that’s marcus’s fault, like simon told you and u did not listen. Sorry not sorry king

(also wille x felice bestiesm FOR LIFE. i did say audibly ‘oh no’ when they kissed in his room but i love the way they resolved it and i actually love that felice stood up for herself. like i was thinking to myself it’s kinda annoying felice is kinda just wille’s Ear for simon problems who is totally okay with everything but i love that she was like that was a shit thing you did and it’s worse for me. like go off queen)

Anyway basically end thoughts: i think i do prefer s1 but i still did adore s2, i binged it all in one sitting while eating pizza and i CANT WAIT FOR S3 like that cliffhanger!!!!!!! PLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wille really said fuck the royal family that WAS my bare ass all over the internet and im so so excited to see the fallout.

[gebtoons]

my contribution to the bapo timeline discourse bc i’m just gonna propose a timeline and will not be taking criticism <3 (under the cut bc this is gonna be a long post probably) 

ok disclaimer I am quite stupid, however I’m gonna use my knowledge from my own 12 years in american public high school and what little info I have about american boarding schools/catholic schools that I have from my friends lol. so. idk. 

i’m also gonna date songs/major events and i’m gonna be taking some “just trust me bro” liberties bc y’all are right it does NOT make that much sense. 

January 6: Epiphany; this is like an actual holiday lol. like its always on the sixth. idk its good that this is the starting point bc its an actual date yknow? For the purposes of this timeline were going with that its early in the week, so lets go with Monday idk

January 6-13: You and I, Role of a Lifetime; so we’re all kinda in agreement that this timeline (at least the beginning) only really makes sense if you and i/role of a lifetime aren’t like. a singular moment and are instead multiple days. so yeah, of this first week, this is like. monday-next sunday ish yknow. 

January 14: Auditions, Plain Jane Fatass; ok so having auditions for a spring musical right after kids get back from break actually makes perfect sense to me, like i can see it being like “ok take break to prepare so as soon as you come back we can have auditions so we can jump right into rehersals” yknow? and since the rave is clearly on a friday (”we’ll meet in tanya’s room on friday night”) so i’m going with the monday before.  

as for pjf, i know it doesn’t make a ton of sense for them to get a two week late birthday package their first few weeks back from school, but hear me out it makes sense. the implication throughout this entire show is that the twins have decently shitty parents. from bits of dialogue (in this song in particular lol) i’m kinda inferring their the “only concerned with how their kids make them look to others” kind of neglectful. so I don’t think it’s too outside the realm of possibility that they went away for the holidays, didn’t bring the twins, and instead mailed them a birthday package and having it show up two weeks late. realistically the timing of this isnt that important and the explicit “two week” time frame could’ve been an exaggeration on nadia’s part to mock her shit parents (idk its in her character) basically ppl are a little two fixated on this imo but anyway. moving on. 

January 18: Wonderland, A Quiet Night At Home, Rolling, Best Kept Secret; a very agreed upon point in the timeline. its the friday following the auditions. moving on. 

January 21: Confession; also very agreed upon. the monday following the rave. moving on again 

January 23: Portrait of a Girl; the date here is kinda arbitrary, but bc sister chantelle says “ok lets try to put yesterday’s rehearsal behind us” and i for the life of me cannot think of a scene she could be referring to (there’s none in the script either) that implies it wasn’t the same monday as confession (bc even in a boarding school i think holding extracurriculars that aren’t sports over the weekend (especially when they are no where near crunch time lol) is weird and not common) so i just picked a random day during the week

January 25: Birthday Bitch!, One Kiss, Are You There?; from matt’s line in wonderland, ivy’s birthday is a week after the rave. in my timeline that’s january 25th (an aquarius queen). 

btw given all grown up’s “17, how will i manage?” ivy is 16 during 17 at her party, which is strange given shes a high school senior and seniors are typically 17 during 18. so either a) she skipped a grade, not an unheard of thing. or b) shes not a senior, shes just a junior who hangs out with a bunch of seniors, which is also pretty common. and looking through the script i can’t find any mention that she is also a senior, other than yknow she graduates with them, but she isn’t mentioned during the class ranking scene? so idk not that it really matters just a fun detail 

February 3 (at night): 911 Emergency!; ok controversial. i know i like the joke about how its funny that peter having a weird dream when he was high prompted him to want to come out and really ruined his relationship with jason. BUT. i think the dream (despite it’s weirdness) would have a lot more meaning if it wasn’t the result of being really high, but if it was a dream he had like a week later as a result of a building sense of guilt/anxiety bc he told matt. also it fits better given later timeline things. (this timeline literally only exists if there are weird jumps in time that don’t make a ton of sense) (EDIT: I forgot one line about Jason crashing at ivys but fuck it forget that bitchass line this makes for more drama its staying this way)

February 4: Reputation Stain’d, Ever After; the next day following peter’s dream, idk what else to say, moving on. 

February 25-28: Spring; another jump! i’m sorry but the only way for this to make sense logistically is for there to be quite a few time jumps! however, i also think this one works bc i think it gives time for everything from around ivy’s party and peter and jason’s break up to stew emotionally. like obviously a musical only has so much time to tell a story so the audience cannot see every realistic beat, but honestly i think it makes the whole thing a little more dramatic™ if there’s space for everything to settle, and for ivy to come and apologize and such. also, the reason it’s multiple days is bc in the script, ivy is trying to study (presumably for some sort of midterm) while nadia is playing, so that probably takes place a few days before they move out, so before finals. but in the script, jason and peter are packing and peter is leaving, so that part of the song/staging takes place on the 28th. yes, that’s weird, but we are clearly thinking more about the logistics of this school than the writers were so. 

March 1: One; assuming st. cecilia’s works kinda like boarding schools here, they probably do staggered move out/move in, just bc that would be a lot to have people coming and going at once so it makes sense that peter left the day before, while jason and ivy are leaving the next day. also, given that peter is trying to call jason while he and ivy are banging, it’s probably been a hot minute since the actual break up, since peter was clearly very hurt by the whole thing, it would make sense (at least to me) that peter would reach out a month ish later, rather than like a few days later (you have to make so many assumptions to make this timeline work granted they aren’t super out there assumptions but still this is annoying) 

March 1-25: Spring Break. the coworkers I have who are in boarding school work over their school breaks, which are longer than the public school breaks (which are only a week) so i put their spring break at 3 weeks. it makes sense, and it makes the later part of the timeline make sense. 

I know i’m already halfway through this, but to me it makes sense for their to be quite a few time jumps in the story bc its a musical. they cannot show every day. there are a lot of other shows (particularly shows set in high schools) that are set over a whole school year, but if you just look at the events of the story that doesn’t make sense, so you have to imply that obviously they are not showing every little detail. moving on. 

March 25: Wedding Bells, In The Hallway, Touch My Soul; peter wakes up from his nightmare in the church, so im assuming he fell asleep in church (like he almost did during epiphany). also it makes sense that class ranks are announced in late march-early april, I know my school announced ours in like, the first week or so of april? so yeah. moving on.

(from this point on i was giving myself a headache trying to make it make sense so its all weird from here!!)

April 4: See Me, Warning; the date doesn’t really matter here, I picked a random day in early april. the script said peter is calling from him and jason’s old dorm room, as he was picking up the last of his things, so he clearly made the roommate switch after school started (makes sense to me). 

April 15-20 (approximately): Ivy finds out she’s pregnant. look google tells me on average people find out they are pregnant around 5-7 weeks after conception. i went with around 7 just so this timeline makes a tiny bit more sense given the later stuff, so yeah here we go. 

May 4: Pilgrim’s Hands, God Don’t Make No Trash, All Grown Up, Promise, Once Upon A Time, Cross; a rough night for our heroes. so given sister chantelle saying “again? wonderful.” and nadia saying “i can’t believe you missed rehearsal again”, clearly ivy has been missing quite a few rehearsals, so for dramas sake maybe from when she found out she was pregnant? also i know i’ve been saying they wouldn’t have rehearsals on weekends, and given my weird timeline this would be a saturday, but its tech week so i’ll allow it. 

May 5: Two Households, Bare, Queen Mab, A Glooming Peace; pretty self explanatory, and it makes sense to have the spring play in early may. rip jason. 

May 11: Absolution; the day before graduation peter goes to confront the priest. gives him a small amount of time to start processing, and it makes sense it would be the night before, at least to me. 

May 12: No Voice; i fucking hate this. “peter, we graduate next sunday” i hate that stupid fucking line. do you know that this timeline literally would be fine if it weren’t for that stupid fucking line? bc then, the school play would be in early may and graduation could be in late may-early june (when most high schools hold graduation) but no. keeping with continuity, they have to graduate the sunday following the school play. “peter we graduate in a month, are you really never gonna talk to me again?” would have been fine. but no, now we have beef. literally everything else about the end of this timeline being kinda weird would work itself out, except for the fucking graduation. god damn. anyway, may 12th, the graduate on may 12th which is really fucking weird bc of that one fucking line. whatever. i didn’t write the damn thing bc if i did i wouldn’t have written that fucking line. (i’ve been at this for over an hour and a half, so i’m a tad annoyed, can you tell?) 

anyway, that’s it. that’s my long as hell proposed bare timeline. if there’s anything glaringly wrong with it i don’t care bc this timeline literally cannot make sense. but honestly, now that i think about the Popular Tween High Schooler Musicals (heathers, bmc, deh) the timelines of those (especially heathers and bmc) don’t make tons of sense either. that’s just the way it is, that’s the way its gonna be. and we have to live with it. 

this post is so long it is actually slowing down my laptop as i type it

[tigerdrop]

hey i just wanna say the long posts genuinely make my day. also can you talk more about gordon freeman character because the way you write him makes me quake in my gay little boots

i would love to talk about gordon freeman. thank u for the opportunity

the first thing i need to communicate about gordon is that this dude sucks. and i say this in the fondest way possible. he is a bitch from the moment he drops into the world until the moment he goes out. if you dont believe me, give it another watch! gordons mouthy and rude for no real reason, at least so far as “being a regular dude on his way into work” goes, and this dude goes around calling his coworkers names with zero provocation. (of course, we all know that the reason is because its a funny guy improv stream that borrows a bit from freemans mind, but im talkin from a character sense.)

but my argument isnt just that gordon freeman sucks. its that he sucks in a very specific way that i find insanely endearing. i love this dude. i love to hate him. hes awful in a very mundane sense - weve all known a guy like this, at least if youve spent too much time online - and its cathartic to watch him suffer because of it.

gordons a smart guy. as written, hes gotta be - hes a recent MIT grad, on his way to work at a top-secret research facility to do weird shit with crystals and theoretical physics. but the thing about smart guys is that theyre often......selectively intelligent. we can see this in the way that he has a hard time navigating his surroundings, and needs the science crew to guide him through it and keep him alive.

this is one of those things that is a natural consequence of somebody going through the game for the first time, but that i am interpreting as “gordon is kind of stupid sometimes”. its uncharitable but its not like he doesnt deserve it. he likes to boss around the crew as if he knows what hes doing, when he often very much does not, and is fond of demeaning their intelligence. hes real bad about this with tommy in particular, treating him like hes a kid whos playing at being a scientist when tommy is actually a decade older than him. all i am saying is that gordon ought to stay humble. hes awful cocky when he perceives himself as better than others.

which, i think, tracks with how cocky he gets when he gives up on the whole “well-meaning citizen” thing and just unloads bullets into people. he puts up a front of being a Nice Guy, you know, just some dude caught in a bad situation who doesnt like seeing his companions obliterate every NPC they come across, but that doesnt stop him from cackling like a fucking madman and mowing down aliens (and soldiers) every once in awhile. when he stops seeing himself as helpless and starts seeing himself as the one in control, the gloves come off. he gets mean. and i think thats very sexy of him

this, among other things, is why i am insistent that gordon freeman is a control freak. he desperately wants to be in control of the situation at all times, shepherding around the science crew primarily by bitching at them, but its of limited success. its futile. sisyphean. tommy, coomer, bubby, and benrey exist almost to torment him with exactly the thing that would make him suffer the most: a gaggle of people running around causing problems for him, but he cant go anywhere without them b/c hes reliant on them to make it out alive.

its perpetual suffering, and its cathartic to watch. and funny, too. and if youre a little weirdo like me, its very, very enjoyable. how twisted up he gets when nobodys listening to him! how sweaty and frazzled he must look. its cute, and it also makes me want to reach through the screen and shake him and tell him to just be a little nicer. he wants control but he doesnt know how to attain it, he doesnt know how to play nice like a real leader. i think its a neat contrast to gordon freeman as we know him in HL2, where he literally is the leader of the resistance and has to live up to it. this is gordon freeman but if he was moe through helplessness.

“helpless” is, i think, a great way to describe him. a core bit of imagery in half life is this sense of railroadedness and helplessness, with gordon freeman being put into play like a chess piece and having no choice but to move forward. and this iteration of gordon leans into that by being totally dependent on the science crew in order to make progress and Not Die. and hes also subject to the whims of benrey, local eldritch weirdo who has basically made it his life mission to fuck with gordon.

gordons anxieties dont help with that. if he wasnt so fun to stress out and fuck with, the science crew probably wouldnt do it so much! too bad for him that they like fucking with him so much that he was driven into a panic attack (multiple times, even, depending on your interpretation). hes got that real neurotic mindset. always worrying about shit that could go wrong, and attempting to exert control over his surroundings in an effort to control the anxiety.

IMO the real way to nail the Neurotic Gordon Freeman Experience is to combine the ever-present anxiety with his pervasive sense of self-loathing. he openly states that he has no friends and nobody seems to like him, and to that, i really gotta say, i wonder why. he doesnt really seem to factor in that hes kind of a bitch, and has way too high an estimation of his own intelligence relative to everybody elses. its really one of the worst ways to be: aware that people dont like you, but unaware of exactly why. if he was like, 10% nicer, he probably wouldnt have had half as many issues getting through black mesa, but also, its funny to see him squawking his way through the game. so, you know.

its stuff like that that makes me headcanon him as a dude with low self-esteem in general. convinced that hes not likable, not attractive, out of his element......impostor syndrome, except that theres some truth to it. this is a guy who truly does not realize how good he has it: he really is just an average shitty dude, and yet, somehow, benrey took a shine to him. some poor motherfucker out there actually likes him and wants to suck his dick. thats dedication

also, i keep bringing up “repression” when i talk about gordon. and hopefully, what ive been talking about helps explain why. he has a strong desire to be a regular dude, not just murdering his way through black mesa, but if hes pushed hard enough he leans into it. gets bossy. picks up a cigar off a dead soldier and takes a long drag, before smacking forzen around with a pistol and ordering him around. gordon freeman is a regular, kind of anxious guy who likes competitive swimming and streaming on justin.tv and making anime references, and he is also a guy who takes a filthy pleasure in making a trained soldier his bitch. and i didnt make up any of this shit - this is purestrain canon, baby. this is a guy with problems

to me, this screams the kind of guy who represses a lot of shit b/c he doesnt feel like its morally decent. you run into this guy a lot online: the wokeboy, the online leftist, the guy who spends too much time on social media websites. (like reddit. i think he would actively use reddit and he would never get any appreciable amount of karma but he never stops posting. its sisyphean! cathartic.) from the way he talks about “bootboys”, i think it tracks. he knows about imperialism, he knows about feminism, but at the end of the day hes your average american white dude who struggles with internalizing it.

a lot of those dudes struggle with sex and gender issues. (dont we all.) when youre trying to be a Good Person(tm), you spend a lot of time thinking about your own relationship to sex and kink and all that shit. and i maintain that a too-online dude who buries a lot of his control freak tendencies would also try to bury a lot of weird sexual shit in an attempt to seem Normal and Well-Adjusted and not like a little freak. i justify this by the sheer number of times gordon blurts out weird sex shit as a joke. there are only two outcomes to making that many piss jokes: either youre secretly a piss guy, or you lathe-of-heaven yourself into becoming one. i will stand by this

ive talked a lot about why this dude sucks. now, let me talk to you about what makes gordon so much fun to write. first things first: hes funny! a subjective evaluation, yeah, but both in- and out-of-character, hes aiming to be funny. and being the straight man to everybody else plays into that whole “helplessness” thing.

secondly: underneath it all, there is a good dude under there. gordon worries when his companions get hurt, he tries to clean them off and patch them up, and hes got his lil leftist heart in the right place. you could even read a lot of his bossy, bitchy demeanor as him wanting to make sure everyone gets out okay and doesnt hurt themselves. when it comes to animals and anti-imperialist sentiment, gordons a pretty good guy.

hes the kind of guy who would probably see a dog on the street and get excited and play with it, but would get really prickly about the correct way to put dishes in the dishwasher. control freak tendencies.

finally, subjecting such a miserable, tormented guy to even more psychological anguish is really, really fun. you feel a little bad for him, but he kind of deserves it. so many problems he goes through are purely of his own making, and if gordon would just relax and quit trying to hard to maintain control - of himself, of the people around him - and own up to having Problems and Issues, he would be a happier guy. but thats why its fun to bend him until he breaks. being a little control freak myself, putting gordon freeman thru psychosexual torment is cathartic.

when it comes to writing his thought processes, the fact that he is canonically some kind of psychotic (yes, i am boldly claiming this. suck me) and i am also canonically some kind of psychotic makes it easier to write what i think his thought processes are. i just give him my brain issues of “getting lost in thought” and “overthinking fucking everything”. a touch of paranoia helps. even if i dont explicitly label him as schizophrenic please know that i am writing him as a paranoid little nutcase at all times because, uh, you write what you know.

paranoid. anxious. of the mindset that everyones out to get him (which isnt helpful when everyone is out to get him). repressed and deeply Not Normal but trying so very fucking hard to be normal and well-adjusted. a control freak with sadistic tendencies who also really, really likes getting bullied by his best frenemy. a hapless little nerd who sounds really cute when his voice starts to break from nerves. and, most importantly, a dumb jock. do not ever forget this.

thats gordon freeman, babey. hope that helps

[cheseyre]

good news, sluts! my brain's no longer being completely stupid (only mostly), i've seen the new asides and...have some thought-y thot thoughts:

*deep inhale*

Okay, first things first: this art style is soooo fucking cUTE and I'm a jealous, squealing bitch. Anyone who knows who the artist is, could you link me to them, stat? I think Thomas mentioned them at the beginning of the ep, but nYeh, brain hurt, doesn't wanna do wooork-

Okay, I'll admit, I was a little...apprehensive when I first saw the thumbnail and title. Part of it's just me being a bitter Remus Stan, but also...okay, deep breaths, controversial opinion time, get ready:

I don't ship Prinxiety.

Like, at all. 

I can see the appeal, and these dorks were so very, VERY cute in this particular ep, but I was honestly turned off by the ship long ago due to how overwhelmingly popular it is and how some fans characterize these two and treat this relationship as if it's the only valid one, y'know, the works—slight tangent, but that's also why I don't ship Logicality or Remile. I honestly vibe much better with ships like Roceit or Analogical, y'know?

Cutting in for another brief tangent: I'm surprisingly okay with Demus/Dukeceit/Receit/Trashnoodle/Whatever-Their-Ship-Name-Is-Oh-God-Why-Do-They-Have-So-Many-Fucking-Names; maybe it's cause they haven't actually interacted in canon and the fan content gives me such good Gay Disney Villain content, idk man im weird—).

Still, their interactions were both hilarious and sweet and like I said, I see the appeal, it's just not my cup of tea. y'all Prinxiety fans got fucking FED and I'm happy for you nerds. Enjoy ze happy boys!

I guess another factor in my...low-key hesitance when I first saw what the ep was about is that...okay, get ready, another controversial opinion, le gasp: well, I'm not a big Virgil fan. In fact, at times, he swaps places with Patton as my least favorite sides—especially with some of his recent behavior in eps like DWIT (the "prohibit your breathing comment" really triggered me, for example). Sometimes, his attitude, especially around other sides like Roman or Janus, reminds me a little too much of my sister, who I don't have...a very good relationship with. Add to that how the more...intense side of the fandom has a disturbing tendency to turn him into the 'uwu precious woobie emo baby who can do no wrong' while unnecessarily villainizing other CERTAIN sides in the process, and...I think you all see where I'm going with this little rant 😅

However, upon actually watching the ep, he wasn't...that bad? I don't think? I enjoyed watching him be a flustered, disaster-y mess and genuinely excited at the end, his interactions with Roman were nice enough, and him literally pushing Thomas to make a move with Nico despite his obvious panic attack was a nice moment of genuine character development. I like seeing that, that's the good shit right there. And him being all flustered and shit, and smiling so much at the end of the vid was just...well, adorable. This man has no fucking right to be this cute, my god

alsoooo 

pURPLE EYESHADOW

PURPLE EYESHADOW HE LOOKS?? SO GOOD?? WTF?? SLAY EMO, SLAAAAAAAY FUCK, DOES THIS MEAN I HAVE TO CHANGE MY HALLOWEEN COSTUME NOW?

alsoooo 

hAPPY ROMAN

YESSSSS~ MAH BOI MAH SON MAH DUMB BITCH HIMBO PRINCE MAH EXTRA MESSY CINNAMON ROLL

ITS  BEEN SO  LONG

AND HIS LITTLE HEART EYES THROUGHOUT THE VID, OH MY GOD-

IMMA JUST IGNORE THAT "ADDING [MISTAKE] TO THE LIST" COMMENT I AM LOOKING AWAY I DO NOT SEE IT LALALALALA

THOMATHY, SIR, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT MAKING THESE TWO GAY IDIOTS SO BAEBY

Okay, but Virgil not realizing that "cyberstalking in real life" is literally just stalking is both a big ass mood and further proof that, yes, Logan is indeed the only one holding the braincell out of this disaster of a lot. God help them all if he ducks out in the next ep.

👀

And Thomas x Trash Can is my new OTP.  I dub thee ✨ "Trashmas" ✨

we sTAN TRASHMAS

Wait, does that mean Remus actually WAS in the ep? Cause, y'know, trash man?

hmmm

👀 👀 

Okay, okay. 

With how much Virgil and Roman were going off about Thomas constantly lying, I was (understandably) a tad bit disappointed my snek son didn't even make a fucking cameo, but y'know what? In hindsight, I'm okay with this it's fineee~

He was just off playing with shadow puppets and stealing money from us desperate, content-starved peasants with his sheer extra-ness and, honestly? Gotta respect the hustle. 

Get that precious, precious coin, dapper snake! Wring us poor losers dryyyy!

*evil snek laugh*

Also, this is a breather ep and adding Janus in probably would've caused unnecessary drama with the Roceit breakup and the constant antagonism between Virgil and him. It probably would've distracted from the point of the ep (flirting with social anxiety, exactly what it says in the tin)—much like it wasn't really Virgil or Remus's place to show up during POF. Does that make sense? I think it makes sense. Sorry, brain going brr-

Still, I can't believe the "Fuck Janus Sanders" Club is actually canon now 😂

God, first Patton in a skirt and now this. 

Thomas Sanders, you delight in fucking feEDING this gremlin nest of a fanbase, don’t you? You RELISH our screams of joy and pain and suffering, dON’T YOU?

What's next, actual canonical Janus and Remus interaction? Patton saying the fuck word? The Dragon Witch comes back? Janus's bowler hat gains sentience and takes over the world, Doris-style? What do you have planned, Thomas? Joan? WHAT ART THOU PLANNING, I MUST KNOW YOU HEATHENS YOU FIENDS-

And Virgil's little "would it be fair to him" comment, tho.

👀

Like, I get in the context of the ep, he was likely talking about Nico and how it wouldn’t be good for a potential relationship with Tomas to be founded on lies, but still...my anxceit heart aches, man. 

Gimme that sweet, sweet angst with a side of mutual regret and possible future reconciliation and maybe something more wink wink nudge nudge on top, pls

...and fries.

Honestly, tho, that entire bathroom monologue was fucking beautiful, man. And relatable, too—i can't tell you how many times I've talked to myself in public restrooms because I just didn't know how to get the words I wanted to say out. It's...kind of embarrassing, tbh

Speaking of embarrassing, uh, crying stall guy.

Just...

Crying Stall Guy

Like, I was expecting someone to come out the bathroom stall after Thomas stopped talking, but...I honestly wasn't expecting that. God, that whole scene was so cringe worthy and fucking hilarious

Honestly, Thomas in the ep in general was a huge ass mOOD and we collective gay/bi disasters ALL related with him, and if you say you don't, you're either lying to yourself or a demon. 

There is no in between 

sorry I don't make the rules

Like, I get this series is literally a gay disaster talking to himself for thirty minutes or longer, but like- EMPHASIS on the 'disaster' part 😂

Like...Thomas, you're lucky you're such a goddamn bean, because GOD, I cringing so hard when he first started talking to Nico

Although, I too have apologized profusely for genuine mistakes and am a flustered bi mess around my crush sooo

😅

And god, Roman's "thirty = old man" jokes made me feel old...and I literally just turned twenty, like, come on, man!

Maybe that's because I was literally watching this ep after finishing my ACT and had been sitting with a bunch of high schoolers, with their tiny fucking desks and tiny fucking water fountains smeh

*clears throat*

Anyways, uh, we STAN Nico Pintrovert Florés in this house

Like

He gives me such big Carlos from WTNV vibes for some reason and this makes me sooo happy

and YESS, he's a WRITER

And he's??? So sweet?? A pure bean?? Just sits on his laptop at the mall food court all day, like a god-fucking iCON?? A Nightmare Before Christmas fan?? weARS GLASSES??

my hEART

*cries*

The fandom seems torn between "Nicomas" and "Karrot Kings" as a ship name atm—personally speaking, I'm casting my vote for the latter

*crosses fingers* please dont be another janus x remus multiple ship name issue guys, please please please I can't keep track of them all-

*clears throat*

On that note, I'm guess I'm gonna go try and whoo over my crush with carrots now. If THIS disaster can do it and make it actually fucking work, god damnit, so cAN I

Meanwhile, in hell, my brain's just screaming "CANON LOVE INTEREST CANON LOVE INTEREST CANON LOVE INTEREST-"

God, I hope Nico isn't just a one-shot character, he's too pure and Thomas and him are adorable gay Disney fans and I stan

Oh, I wonder how the other sides'll react to him.

Wait.

Oh god.

Oh god.

This ep just unleashed a new fresh hell of potential Nico x Sides ships, hasn't it?

Welp, time to prepare for ze incoming flood of fanfics, I guess. I'll get my umbrella and rain boots.

That last shot of Virgil during the endcard was so fucking ominous oh my god mom im scared can you come pick me up-

Goddammit, Thomas and Joan, I'm NOT fucking ready to be traumatized again, fUCK

I wish I wasn't a broke ass university student so I could contribute to Thomas's gloriously extra Patreon—both so I can support my favorite content creators who make this amazing blessed content and also, to join my boi Janus in fucking  destroying society by giving money to the people who actually deserve it, fuck YOU GOVERNMENT-

Okay. 

Okay. 

New headcanon time as to why Patton, Remus, and Logan weren't in the ep: they were helping Jan film that Patreon promotional video. 

Like

Remus directed it, Logan helped with the lighting and script, and Patton was just there as the cheerleader. 

The reason Janus made a dog with shadow puppets wasn't just to flaunt his deity status and prove how he is truly above us mere wretched mortals 

despite that being the absolute truth and we all know it, don't lie to yourselves

No, it was really him trying to do something cute and silly for Patton, because Moceit rights, daMMIT

*inhales*

noww 

guys, gals, and nonbinary pals

it’s time forr

the most wonderful time of the yearrr

WAITING FOR THE NEXT EPISODE

Step right up, folks! Hear ye, hear ye, my prediction for the next episode: Prinxiety v. Moceit! With special guest stars: Karrot Kings vibing in adorable gay and Intrulogical, bitter at being excluded aGAIN

Who will win? Who will lose? 

here’s a hint: we all will because in this sick twisted game they are no winners only losers-

Place your bets, folks! ✨

Haha im not readyyy~

tl;dr

this episode has cleared my skin, watered my crops, and ended my suffering—an adorable calm before the... angsty fucking shitstorm that’s coming far too soon. Prinxiety stans, enjoy your food. Place an 'F' in the chat for me and my fellow grieving Remus stans. Trashmas is the true OTP, but Karrot Kings is cute too I guess. I've only had Nico Florés for 24 minutes, but if anything happens to him, I'll kill everyone in this room and then myself. Purple eyeshadow Virgil makes me question my sexuality aGAIN, and happy gay disney prince rights y'all. Say a big ole 'fuck you' to capitalism by giving your local dapper snake moneys. Concussion makes brain go brr and imma go buy some carrots and be gay now.

psst hey @quarantinevibes2020​ you wanna join me in being disaster-y? i’ll bring my best gay stare and you bring the wine

Until next time, my lovelies! ~ Ches 🖤

[hayleysstark]

*Queenie appears wearing a Hufflepuff robe and scarf* I'm curious...which Hogwarts house would you sort the Merlin characters? And, if you're comfortable sharing, do YOU identify with a particular house, or multiple houses? Have a pleasant day, and a cookie, too! *Hands you a chocolate cookie* P.S. It's from Publix. I can't bake to save my life, but Publix can turn out some damn good cookies lol

OH MAN YOU’RE A HUFFLEPUFF ?????? lucky bastard, you get friendly housemates and your dormitories are right by the kitchens ???? unfair. im calling bullshit. wtf. who allowed this. who allowed Hufflepuffs to be the luckiest honestly. unfair. ALSO all chocolate cookies are good cookies, i appreciate any and all chocolate cookies on offer tbh. actually. i appreciate any and all cookies period. 

also i am a Ravenclaw!!!! not v smart, but i value knowledge more than anything else, so it’s the only House that i fit lol

fghyghgbn all right all right but i’ll have you know, one (1) immortal warlock emrys is too old, too tired, and too sober for all the drama and Discourse™️ ((and believe me, Sorting fictional characters brings a lot of Discourse™️)) so the consequences for this are firmly on YOUR head, my Queen.

Merlin is a Slytherin. and don’t none of y’all @ me about this. don’t none of y’all come at me with “uwu he’s actually a hufflepuff, sometimes he can be a halfway decent human being for two (2) seconds” don’t!!!!!! do that to me!!!!!!!! i’m old!!!!! i’m tired!!!!! and i’m too sober!!!! Hufflepuff Merlin is honestly dead to me !!!! also this would get WAY too long if i stopped to list all the reasons why one Merlin Emrys is, in fact, more Slytherin than Salazar himself, but this is obviously a controversial choice, so i’ll just remind y’all that this is still where i stand: 

tl;dr: Merlin Emrys may be an absolute dreamboat but don’t let those gorgeous clavicles or peg-me eyes fool you, he is still a man who will stop at absolutely nothing to get what he wants, including manipulate his best friends, attempt to murder his best friends, actually murder somebody who presented zero threat to him just to protect his secret,,,,,,, need i go on????

Arthur is a Gryffindor, with strong Hufflepuff tendencies. all right, i admit it, this is one area where i could absolutely change my mind at any point. Arthur definitely has as much Hufflepuff in him as Gryffindor, to be honest - he makes mistakes, sure, but he’s got his heart in the right place, and he genuinely just wants to love and be loved. he’s the heart and soul of the series, and Camelot as a whole, and i do think he would be an excellent fit for Hufflepuff House, but ultimately, he prizes his courage far more than his compassion, so i think he would wind up in Gryffindor either way.

Gwen is a Hufflepuff, with strong Gryffindor tendencies. we got a complete reversal for our beautiful Queen here!!! Guinevere has a lot of Gryffindor in her, there’s no doubt about that, but she’s the polar opposite of Arthur. she holds kindness in far higher regard than bravery, and for all her nerve, the Hat would put her firmly in Hufflepuff.

Morgana is a Slytherin, with strong Gryffindor tendencies. honestly, i could go either way with this bitch. yes, she’s cunning, she’s ambitious, she’s determined, and like Merlin, she’ll stop at nothing to get what she wants (although, terrible as Merlin is, Morgana’s motivations are far less admirable.) but, for all her faults, Morgana is a lady with a strong, unshakable sense of justice. she doesn’t want to kill Arthur and claim Camelot as her own just for kicks. she wants to remake Camelot, reshape it, she wants to tear it all down and rebuild it from the ground up. she wants  to make a haven for sorcerers. she wants to create a sanctuary for magic. she wants to build a safe place for people like her. as twisted as her viewpoint is by the end of the series, she genuinely believes she is fighting for what’s right, and her own sense of her nobility could easily place her in Gryffindor.

Gaius is a Ravenclaw. don’t get me wrong, Gaius definitely has a Slytherin streak of his own, and you’d better believe it’s a mile wide, but he values knowledge and intellect above all.

Kilgharrah is a Slytherin, with strong Ravenclaw tendencies. not to say Kilgharrah isn’t absolutely brilliant, because of course he is, but he’s no scholar, and ultimately, he’s cut from the same cloth as Merlin and Morgana. he will do what it takes to survive. and the pursuit of knowledge will always come second to that.

and for all the rest:

Leon is a Gryffindor, with strong Hufflepuff tendencies.Lancelot is a Gryffindor.Gwaine is a Gryffindor.Elyan is a Gryffindor, with strong Hufflepuff tendencies.Percival is a Hufflepuff, with strong Gryffindor tendencies.  

great to hear from you, as usual, Queenie!! 💖💖💖 have a wonderful day!!

[somnusvincitomnia]

SHIPPING INFO !! Answer the following for your muse so people know how shipping works on your blog.

WHAT IS YOUR OTP FOR YOUR CHARACTER?: It’s more of an ot4, but I think polyship roadtrip/chocobrot4 is both my favorite and also inherent to how I play my character & how I see their dynamics. Regardless of who in particular I’m playing with or who I ship Noct with, I write him as having had some degree of feelings for all three of his friends (and Luna, tbh). Polyamory doesn’t always work/happen and because I don’t have a lot of shared verses yet on this blog, most of my threads that are headed in a ship direction/are shippy are for 1x1 pairs- but I still see Noctis as having or having had feelings for all of them, and (in non-ot4 situations) putting them aside to try and focus on making one partner happy. (Or, as it sometimes is in the case of Promptis- Gladio and Ignis already being in a relationship, and Noctis not wanting to disrupt/intrude on their feelings for each other, so sharing his romantic partnership with Prompto and simply admiring Gladio & Ignis/their happiness with each other from afar) I just feel like he loves them all so much! Who he is as a person is shaped by how deeply he loves all three of them, and while I adore the individual ships I think the concept of Noctis being able to pick a favorite/romantically loving one but not the others just isn’t plausible to him. It’s just whether the relationship works out or whether he’s willing to act on those feelings that changes verse to verse.

WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO WRITE WHEN IT COMES TO SHIPPING?: A pretty broad range of stuff. While I adore a good, healthy, loving ship, I’m also both willing and interested in exploring the unhealthy, the messy, the unrequited, etc. I- so far- have mostly focused on small-scale mess on this blog- mutual feelings that are unable to be acted upon for propriety’s sake, leftover feelings that are unresolved between two trauma survivors who never expected to live this long, the uncomfortable question of consent and power dynamic in a situation where a lover is appointed by one’s birthright, etc. But I’m also perfectly willing to work with downright unhealthy ships, manipulation, gaslighting, abuse, you name it. It requires a little more trust between partners, but ultimately I like exploring every aspect of relationships, good and bad. I actually tend to prefer a little drama to pure, happy fluff! I think the ideal state of a thread for me is bittersweet- they’re in love, but ___.  That being said, I have some boundaries! My rules page covers most of them, but they’re mostly common squicks/triggers- I also generally discuss what I am and am not willing to do with partners OOC before we get into any ship situation, so I’m always willing to have someone approach and ask, so that at the very least I can give an honest yes or no!

HOW LARGE DOES THE AGE GAP HAVE TO BE TO MAKE IT UNCOMFORTABLE?:

two thousand years is still within range so Honestly, it’s character dependent. There are some characters well within Noct’s age range I’m uncomfortable shipping him with, and some outside of it that I am. In general, I’m completely uninterested in shipping him with anyone in his father’s retinue- so Weskham, Clarus, Cor, etc, but this is more about history and his view on them than about age gap. On the other hand, Ardyn is still on the table for sheer interest in the chaotic, messy, awful dynamic there. In the other direction, I won’t ship him (at his canon age of 20) with anyone younger than 18-19. 20 is not terribly much older than an 18 year old, but I’m still more inclined to ship him with characters who are 19+. While I do like post-canon Noct/Iris, it’s a hell of a lot different for a 25 year old and a 30 yo than it is a 15 and 20 yo. But in AUs where he is younger- pre-canon, or (for example) the Hero Academia AU, I’m willing to ship him with classmates or peers the same age as him.

ARE YOU SELECTIVE WHEN SHIPPING?: Absolutely, but I’m highly selective when roleplaying, too. Overall I need a good OOC and IC dynamic before I ship, because... well, first and foremost because I want someone who it’s fun to discuss (read: scream about) our ship with. I’m also a slow burn bitch, so I prefer a nice buildup or at least a good amount of IC exchanges/asks & ooc talk before we ship.

HOW FAR DO STEAMY MOMENTS HAVE TO GO BEFORE THEY ARE CONSIDERED NS/FW?: Honestly I would say the moment a character makes any mention of/reference to being turned on. I’m pretty cautious with my NSFW tagging, so once things look vaguely heavy, I’ll at least stick a “mild nsfw” tag on there. 

WHO ARE THE OTHER CHARACTERS YOU SHIP YOUR CHARACTER WITH?: I have a pretty broad range of them, but the main ones are: Prompto, Ignis, Gladio, Luna, (25 y/o) Iris. I can also be persuaded to like him with Cindy or Aranea, depending on the interaction and buildup.  Aside from that, it’s all based on interaction! I can like him with anyone, including OCs and/or crossover ships, if we have a good dynamic!

DOES ONE HAVE TO ASK TO SHIP WITH YOU?: Definitely. It’s absolutely fine to have characters flirt or make advances and/or send in romantic memes without asking- but before presuming romantic reciprocation or relationship I definitely like to talk OOC about it. All the ships I have going/building right now came from talking OOC about them! It’s a great way to figure out what you want out of the ship and how to build it.

HOW OFTEN DO YOU LIKE TO SHIP?: Despite Noctis’s feelings for the others being a central component to his character, I think I prefere a good exploration over pure fluff/pure shippy stuff. Almost all the ship threads I have/ships I have on this blog focus on exploring both characters rather than focusing on the happy or sexy aspects of a relationship. It’s super fun writing some kinds of fluff, but I get a little worn out if it’s more than a little kissing/cuddling/sweetly making macaroni together or whatever. Gotta have conflict, internal or external!

ARE YOU MULTISHIP?: Definitely. Well, first and foremost I play Noctis as poly, so IC he’s comfortable with the idea of multiple partners, and OOC I like lots of different ships and dynamics! I am a little hesitant about shipping with multiple iterations of the same character- not because I don’t like shipping with multiples, but because it can be kind of hard to come up with multiple unique scenarios for them to interact/get together/etc and I worry about ideas from different threads bleeding into each other. But if I think the dynamic is right and if they mesh well, I’m down for that too!

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SHIP IN YOUR CURRENT FANDOM?: I gotta say chocobrot4 again!! I just want all of them to be happy. Together. And kiss. Because they all love each other.

FINALLY, HOW DOES ONE SHIP WITH YOU?: 1.) begin playing with me (send meme/approach on messenger/starter call/etc) 2.) have characters interact 3.) ask if i am interested in shipping 4.) ????? 5.) profit

Tagged by: @lustralium  Tagging: @bestchocobro @floweringeclipse @edenslostwallflower @descientia @silenceisgoaded @ravusnightblossom @oraculideluna and uhhhh thats all that tumblr auto suggested i tag so im gonna also say anyone else who sees this and wants to tag me!

[marioclash]

the "i beat gta san andreas via the definitive trilogy" mini-review

also some spoilers for this 2004 video game story

great game, still holds up but i will list some of my gripes

cj is a great protag (my second favorite gta protag with me liking niko slightly more), i cant stand sweet with some of his dialog, big smoke is fucking legendary and a great antagonist, ryder was hilarious and one of my favorite characters, and im still mad to this day that he was killed off like he was and barely mentioned afterword, pulaski was a real piece of shit and it was very satisfying to kill him, and despite wishing i couldve killed him myself, tenpenny was another great antagonist a real mean son of a bitch who i was glad to see die, samuel l jackson did great work making me hate the fucker

also cesar feels like one of the most underrated characters in the series, hes a good dude with a shaky moral compass, but the fact that he loves kendl so much is really sweet

when he asks cj for permission to marry her i cant lie it made my heart melt a little bit

i didnt much care for his missions, but it was always a treat seeing him, one of my favorites

i felt like the story kinda lost itself in the middle stages where you just do... WACKY STUFF! i loved how grounded the beginning of the game felt, and i do think its kind of a shame that the game didnt really stick with it, but i do really like how the game does go full circle back to los santos

with that said... i had an immense negative reaction to the whole taking back the streets with the gang war thing

not because its a bad idea, but because right before the last missions you are essentially roadblocked until you take back enough territories

it was an AWFUL amount of padding, and it was fucking horrible

being roadblocked out of the very last mission to do this wave bullshit? holy fuck i did not like that

now with the definitive trilogy specifically

bear in mind that i am playing this after what i assume to be multiple patches (i played the version on xbox series x)

i didnt encounter that many glitches, some wacky antics like cars randomly spinning but nothing that really hindered gameplay

i didnt experience any crashes either (the bar is low. i know.)

the issue i had was the strange places where the game would give you a checkpoint

in particular the mission where you have to steal the jetpack, i had a TINY amount of health (i.e. where one shot would kill me) and it gave a me that checkpoint with that little health at the point where you actually escape the military base, i died at least 30 goddamn times (i am not joking, the 30 is generous at that)

also some missions had really baffling placements of the mid-checkpoints too

sometimes it would be, appropriately at the middle of the mission, sometimes it would be RIGHT near the end of the mission, or RIGHT near the start of it where you wouldnt really need a checkpoint

the graphics in this definitive trilogy are... well... like youve probably seen the screenshots, it doesnt look too hot, a ton of the atmosphere that the game had was wiped out with this "graphics overhaul" they did

there ARE points where i can say the game looks good to great with the overhaul, but for the most part, no

it looks like one of those really shitty graphics ENB mods things you can download on the pc version

[actualmermaid]

#please tell me your gay lace readings im stuck at pretending its some dumbass human scholars that didnt know jack shit about translating que

@russandildo here u go dude

“It was at all times lawful for any of the Eldar, both being unwed, to marry thus of free consent one to another.”

Notice how he says “any of the Eldar,” not “any man and woman of the Eldar.” Since he didn’t specify, I’m taking this literally: any two Eldar, whether a man and a woman or any other combination of genders, may choose to marry and have their union recognized by their people. This is the case for a lot of the other passages about marriage and family: wherever he uses gender-neutral language, I assume the laws and customs are gender-neutral in application, and therefore any use of “husband and wife” are merely examples of one type of elvish family.

“There are, however, no matters which among the Eldar only a ner [man] can think or do, or others with which only a nis [woman] is concerned. [...]  All these things, and other matters of labour and play, or of deeper knowledge concerning being and the life of the World, may at different times be pursued by any among the Noldor, be they neri or nissi.”

This paragraph (it’s long and I don’t feel like typing all of it) explains that men primarily hunt and fight (among other things), and women primarily heal (among other things), but it isn’t due to the intrinsic nature of their gender. It’s implied to be customary instead: because hunting and killing are said to diminish the power of healing, and most of the hunting and killing are done by men, it follows that most of the healers are women. He also assures the reader multiple times that although there are certain customs about occupations and gender roles, they aren’t set in stone, and that there are fewer differences between male and female elves than there are between male and female mortals (i.e. less sexual dimorphism). Again reading this literally, I see a great acceptance of gender variance, and if gender is not a barrier to whatever an elf chooses to do with their life, I don’t see any prohibition of queer relationships. This isn’t to discount the gender essentialism expressed in that passage (”men are better at X craft and women are better at Y craft”) which is, truthfully, an unfortunate relic of Tolkien’s time. But, since we’re erring on the side of “death of the author” here, I'm reading that as cultural trends and not worrying about it too much.

There’s a footnote which says that ��the only ‘character’ of any person that was not subject to change was the difference of sex. For this they held to belong [...] to the person as a whole” and explains that when an elf returns from Mandos, they keep the same sex that they had before. He also says that gender is also an intrinsic part of the spirit, not just the body. I am choosing to read this in a way which, again, affirms a wide variety of genders as well as transgender identity. Did Tolkien intend for me to read it this way? Probably not, but I don’t care, because he’s dead and if he intended for me to read it a different way, he should have specified.

“Otherwise ‘first-cousins’, as we should say, might marry, but seldom did so, or desired to do so, unless one of the parents of each were far-sundered in kin.”

There are only a limited number of canonical characters this can apply to, and most of them (including the most popular one) are gay. I’m taking this as license to ship them.

There’s a bunch of other stuff in LaCE about the nature of souls and the Valar and marriage etc etc etc, but I’m tired and there’s a lot of it and it’s not as relevant as the stuff I quoted.

This isn’t to say that LaCE is ground-breakingly progressive gender theory--it isn’t. I recognize that Tolkien lived in a conservative environment in a different time, and naturally he is going to have some outdated ideas about gender and sexuality. However, the author’s background merely informs the content of the writing, and doesn’t necessarily define it. Taken as it is written, you can interpret these passages as being much gayer than Tolkien would have intended, and since we don’t care what he intended unless he wrote it down, LaCE is gay (sorry, I don’t make the rules).

When the gender essentialism and heteronormativity in some bits of LaCE are harder to reconcile with my reading, I choose to see it as an in-universe document written by someone’s Vanyarin grandma/grandpa: it might reflect the ideal for certain segments of upper-class Amanyar society, but for the rest of the elves, real life is a lot queerer and more fluid. (In particular I apply this reading to the “sex = marriage” part of the text.)

The major takeaway: if Tolkien wanted me to read this as uncompromisingly straight and cis, he should have specified, and he didn’t. Death of the author, bitches.

(Yes, I am still paying off the loans I took out to pay for my English degree, which has nothing to do with what I do for a living. Why do you ask?)

[whatisntgrace]

1.) what’s a song you depict with your childhood? two step by ciara 😩 2.) did you have a memorable childhood pet? WAFFLES the dog 3.) have you ever been drunk? like once and it was p lit 4.) have you ever tried drugs? YEAH LMAO a few times ive smoked weed and it was chill but eh 5.) have you ever completely regretted what you’ve said? umm not ever really 6.) have you ever made someone cry? uh duh 7.) has someone ever made you cry? UH DUH 8.) have you ever been in love? if so, describe the moment you knew it. um only two times, and i only knew because it was the strongest feeling ive ever felt and its too familiar 9.) which came first the chicken or the egg? dis dick 10.) are you part of the lgbtq+ community? do you support them? im bi B so uh yeah 11.) how many siblings do you have? 3 but all have one different parent 12.) have you ever been in love with someone you couldn’t love? umm thats a weird way to put it 13.) are you a good cook? i probably am but i never really cook 14.) what is your favorite tv show? big mouth but theres only one season /:

15.) what is the last movie you cried during? a REALLY sad korean movie called Hope

16.) what are songs you’ve cried to when you first heard them? (if any) Praying by Kesha for some reason

17.) do you have a middle name? Christine

18.) have you been out of your country? nope

19.) are you a chocolate fan or not? not really lol

20.) how many people have you kissed? two but if someone asks i say one because one makes me uncomfy

21.) what is your favorite album? Starboy or Digital Druglord

22.) what is your dream car? a jeep buf i forgot the exact type

23.) what is your lucky/favorite number? 7 cause my bday month

24.) what is your favorite flower? i like poppies and pink roses

25.) books or movies, why? movies because i dont stay focused enough to read

26.) have you ever been on a blind date? no n it sounds scary

27.) has one of your friends ever backstabbed you? a couple times but i left those bitches

28.) have you ever backstabbed one of your friends? NO

29.) what thing do you symbolize love with? sometimes music

30.) do you have neat handwriting? SOMETIMES LMAO

31.) do you have a friend with benefits? nooope

32.) do you want a friend with benefits? not rly

33.) if you could be anything in the world, what would you be? a famous animator

34.) have you ever been blackout drunk? NO LOL

35.) have you ever met someone famous? i met a local celebrity but not rly

36.) how many concerts have you been to? like 4

37.) which concerts have you been to? dont get me started

38.) do you have a hidden talent? no bc everyone knows all of them bc im a showoff

39.) what do you do when you’re stressed? scream, cry, sometimes eliminate whatevers stressing me out

40.) do you think money can buy love? if the persona dumb enough ya

41.) how old would you date? like 5 years older is a good stopping point but never younger unless its by months then idc

42.) have you ever done something illegal? smoking weed before im 18? or 21 ya

43.) what is your biggest fear? heights and rejection :3

44.) what is an unusual fear you have? that ill lose something important to me but ig thats not unusual

45.) can you drive? i can but i dont have a license

46.) do you believe in supernatural creatures? not really but ghosts can hmu

47.) do you believe in karma? HELL YEAH

48.) what is one quality you need in your partner? humor or quirkiness

49.) do looks matter? sometimes

50.) does size matter? not really

51.) who is the last person you forgave? my stepmom ig

52.) what is your favorite ice cream flavor? mint chocolate or coffee

53.) what languages can you speak besides english? spanish and sign language

54.) ever been on a plane? when i was 4 so technically no cause i dont remember

55.) ever been on a boat? when i was like 8 ya n i got a gnarly tummy ache

56.) is there anyone you’ve lost touch with that you wish you hadn’t? not really

57.) are there any friendships you regret? heck yeah

58.) are there any friendships you wish you could make? not really

59.) have you ever stayed awake for 24 (+) hours? no im not a maniac

60.) have you ever walked outside after 12 am? yeah just around my block tho

61.) have you ever seen a sunrise completely through? yeah im up at 5:30 errday

62.) are you scared of rollercoasters? not as much anymore

63.) on a scale of 1-10 how stressed are you usually? 6

64.) do you have any plans this weekend? just practice

65.) do you miss anyone right now? kinda not rly

66.) who do you wish you were talking to right now? no one idk no one in particular

67.) if you could have any superpower, what would it be? invisibility

68.) who is your favorite superhero? batman b

69.) are you dirty minded? no lol

70.) what is your favorite song from every decade starting at that 80’s? dont

71.) how many kids, if any, do you want? 000000

72.) who is your biggest OTP? me w myself

73.) what is your favorite food? sushi

74.) do you want to be married one day? yeah but it aint a big deal if im not

75.) dogs or cats? cats

76.) do you drink enough water daily? NO LOL

77.) have you ever seen a shooting star? nop

78.) if you had the opportunity to go to the moon, would you? no that shits scary

79.) how many best friends do you have? 3

80.) when was the last time you cried? idk tbh

81.) have you ever laughed so hard you peed yourself? MULTIPLE TIMES BUT IT AINT EVER FULL ON ITS LIKE oh shit

82.) have you ever made anyone laugh so hard they peed? probably (;

83.) if you could travel any where in the world, where would you go? japan or hawaii

84.) what are 3 words you would use to describe yourself? stubborn, generous, witty

85.) do you consider yourself a loyal person? of course

86.) what is your favorite season and why? fall bc its not too cold but its not freezing n pretty colors

87.) have you ever told anyone you loved them, and didn’t mean it? yes and yes bc i wouldnt say it if i didnt mean it which goes for everything

88.) do you know how to play any instruments? violin but i aint good

89.) do like like falling asleep to music or not? no i find it distracting

90.) what are you allergic to? cats and chlorine

91.) have you ever wanted to be someone else for a day just so you could see what there life is like? yeah but idk about what specific person

92.) if you could be any character from your favorite tv show would you, and if so, who would you be? i dont want

93.) if you could be best friends with any celebrity who would it be and why? taylor swift idk why

94.) are you outgoing? kinda

95.) have you ever wanted to kiss someone, but weren’t brave enough to? um ya

96.) are you a good flirt? probably idk

97.) have you ever been turned down, or have you ever turned anyone down? yes and yes

98.) which planet is your favorite? neptune

99.) are you superstitious? a little but not rly.

100.) are you a good listener? yes

101.) are you a good kisser? IDK

102.) would you kiss any of your friends? NO

[undyinghappinessblog]

Catch up

Oh Hiya! 

Fuck man, so its been a couple of months since my last entry and a shit ton of stuff has happened. Like a holy fuck ton of stuff has happened...whoops.. Okay, so consider this a catch up/’Previously on..” segment. Also.. Sorry self for not documenting more. I will try to be better for you. 

Okay here we go. 

Alrigghttt so. This summer was great. Super fuckin busy and hectic, but great. First of all, I turned 24. Yeah...gotta say I definitely felt it this time. Other than when I turned 20 (not a teen anymore...traumatizing) I have never really felt affected by turning another year older, you know? But for some reason, 24 scared the shit out of me...I am sure I will look back on this and laugh...but still. I guess I felt a sort of pang of panic fearing that I won't be able to accomplish all that I want for myself in time...or I’ll be too old. Which is a really stupid thought to have as an artist...ANYWAY I digress. 

I performed a staged reading (with blocking and costumes..basically it was a full show with scripts in our hands) of one of Neil Simon’s plays called ‘Rumours’ with a group of incredibly well practiced and experienced actors. I’m talking multiple movie roles, MA in theatre, roles on Big Eyes, iRobot, Smallville, etc. Like these people know what they are doing. I felt like SUCH a noob right from the beginning (rightfully so, I am still incredibly new to this industry). I gotta say it was the most humbling experience I have had with acting so far. I had a very small role, so I mostly sat and watched during rehearsal until it was my turn to speak (which, when the time came, I completely shit my pants haha). But I gotta say, they were all very gracious and kind and willing to teach me and give me advice (Camille Mitchell in particular...SUCH a wonderfully kind woman-I literally  had two lines in the whole show and she would always say “Paige, you always know how to affect us all when you get on the scene”..like...HOW SWEET IS THAT.). Another really cool thing about working with experienced actors on an equity run show is that there is no drama what so ever. I have been used to seeing actors become very defensive when given directions on their performance (I have even found myself feeling that way at times), but these guys literally just took the direction, changed the delivery and nailed the scene. AH and the stooorrriiiesss. Man the stories they would all tell together and to each other. I could have listened to them for hours on end. See, these actors had gone to school together, done shows together, seen each other through marriages, divorces, tragedy and their love for acting was still so strong and present through it all. It was so lovely to see and it made me feel so hopeful for the survival of this craft and also my own career. It was an amazing experience and I feel so lucky to have had the honour of sharing the stage with them all. 

My roommate and I also made a film this summer. Fuck that was an ordeal. I mean obviously it was so much fucking fun and I want to make more, but holy shit. Making a movie (even if its a short one) is literally like getting ready to have a fucking baby. Like. You need money, you need equipment, you need people to support you, you need permits, you need locations, you need vehicles, you need food, you need costumes, you need a lot of shit. It was stressful man. Haha at one point our house was FULL of camera and lighting equipment, which took hours transporting around. I am really happy and proud to have actually MADE something with people, but fuck. Its a lot of work hahah. I can see why shooting films and shows can take years to make. But at the end of the day, we fuckin made something together. Like. From scratch. And its a film that tells an important story with humour and rebellion and feminism and I am really proud to have been a part of it all. 

After shooting our film, I went straight into Sea of Stories rehearsal in White Rock. Which was another huge learning experience for me. Fuck man what a struggle. You’d think a musical about a fuckin suburban town on the coast of BC would be a snap, right? YEAH, NOPE NOT FOR ME. NOT FOR PAIGE. I have never experienced such insecurity and anxiety about my performance in my life. I’m not sure if it was because of the writing (it was very poorly written..a show about White Rock man...what do you expect?), or the fact that I was working two jobs and trying to do everything at once, but fuck. I could just not connect. I had to have private meetings with my director, I was constantly worried about fucking up, or doing it in a way that wasn't how she wanted it, or getting fired, or being seen as unprofessional, the fuckin works man. I was all in my head and I could not get out. All of my cast mates were there for me and would constantly remind me that I would be okay and that I could do this (I played a woman who buried her baby...WITH AN IRISH ACCENT FOR CHRISTS SAKE..I should have been able to do this). But man I tell you, sometimes, out of fuckin no where, anxiety and insecurity hit you and it is a BITCH to battle with on stage. Fuck. I will say that we got really great reviews, everyone loved it (including Julia Stiles, who was expecting her first child with Jan’s son...she gave Tegan and I hugs saying we were ‘great’ and had ‘beautiful singing voices’...I MEAN THATS PRETTY FUCKIN COOL), and I suppose that is why we do it, right? WE do it for the audiences, and as long as they like it, and we are all doing what we fiercely love, thats all that matters really. I am grateful for the experience and for the people I was able to meet. Despite the anxiety and insecurity I experienced, I wouldn't have changed a thing. It was so much fun and I learned a lot about myself that show. I want to say that I over came an amount of something through the experience...but I’m not sure if i will totally know until I get on stage again...We will have to see!

After the show, I went home for a week to celebrate my sister’s birthday. I havent been there for her birthday in years, and I was ready to come home for a while. But I gotta say, as nice and comforting it was to be home with my family again, there was definitely a sense of sadness and shame for missing out on everything that was happening there when I was gone. My sister is struggling to find her place in the world and my mum is very nervous about her, my cousin (who is literally like my second sister) is getting married, my grandmas are getting older, the kids I used to babysit are getting older...its all just changing so fast and I am not around to see it. Seeing all of this change made me so emotional man. It just made me realize that while I am out here so focused on my career and trying to get involved with as many things as I have energy for, my loved ones are changing...much like I am...it just made me sad to not be there to share it with them and witness it all for myself...

I suppose thats natural though..right?

After coming back to Van, I performed at a small venue just across the street from my place. It was at the back of a restaurant and had a very narrow black box stage. My friend Missy, who I have been doing women’s performance boutiques with for about a year had rented the space, but her original plans fell through and the group of us performed all of our works for four nights. I feel so lucky to be apart of a community of such strong and beautiful female artists to connect with and to look up to and to collaborate with. I felt so connected and protected by and for these women I performed with. I wrote a monologue about what a panic attack felt like for me, which basically ended up being a staged panic attack at a bus stop hahaha. I got a really great response from it by the audience though. People would come up to me saying that they knew what that felt like, and that it was very brave to show such a vulnerable part of myself. But the thing is, I didn't feel like it was brave at all. Or vulnerable...it felt so natural for me to be up there, telling these people my story so openly. Maybe its because anxiety has become such a fuckin prominent thing to deal with in my life and I feel it everyday...I don't know. But hearing from and meeting other people who knew what it felt like made me feel like I was doing something right with my life. Like I am on the right path. Telling stories to connect with other people and making them feel normal and letting them know that they belong somewhere. Its pretty amazing. Fuck man...this is my job...Hahaha how crazy is that? 

Immediately after the boutique, I did a staged reading of Thomas Hardy’s Far from the Madding Crowd with Tegan and a few other great people I was happy to meet and play with for a couple of weeks. I read for the part of Cainy Ball, so my part was smaller, but it was such a fun character to play with and perform. Fuck I love working with Tegan, man. I think she's going to be one of my creative partners in this life. I think we could make gold together...and Im pretty sure we will. I’m going to keep her for a good, long while, I think. 

Alright..so that pretty much brings us up to date! I’ll be back with more when theres a personal crisis or a rant session I need to get off my chest (as I do)!

....Stay...classy?

I’ll come up with a better closing statement..

Fuck...