#i am the only person who wasnt fucking good enough to graduate from high school

[rabbithaver]

im like this 🤏 close to collapsing into a tearful breakdown it's fine

[puppmeo]

Have you ever been assumed to be romantically attracted to someone and even just the thought of that makes you want to throw up . Anybody

[piratadelamor]

sometimes i wish i could move to somewhere far away from here and start a new life only to run away from the decisions i've made and the path i've chosen and to not have to deal with everyone else's disappointment

sometimes i wish i didnt have an intelectual job bc i just cant put myself to study and i hate university i hate graduating i cant stand it anymore and i feel like the dumbest person in the world and i feel like such a huge failure

all my friends are so smart and they are building big careers and they've always had this path paved for them bc they were born into intelectual families but i dont come from the same place as them and sometimes i wish i could just do a part time job on something like customer service and enjoy the rest of my life doing things i actually like for pleasure

this is so unrealistic and i hate this so much i wish i was smart i wish i could focus on studying i wish i wasnt living like im constantly trying to escape from my responsibilities all the time

i love being a teacher but im so fucking frustrated bc i will never become the teacher i wish to be if i dont study properly

i still have so many shit to do this year in order to graduate and i feel like im gonna break down so hard bc im so late to do everything i need and i dont have the energy for it i just dont have ANY motivation im tired of my life im tired of graduation i just wanna rest

i even chose the easiest way to get this degree and i cant even do shit with it like how much of a useless piece of shit can i be. im such a loser im such a big fucking loser i hate myself i really wish i could move somewhere else and get a customer service job and not have to deal with everyone else looking down on me. im tired of only having friends so much richer than me im tired of only listening to stories about things i cant accomplish im tired of seeing them and never becoming like them im tired of their success and of my failures im tired of having dreams and goals that dont belong to my own reality bc i only received an education for people who already had everything so i was only taught to dream so high and what if i dont fucking care about any of this shit? what if my happiness doesnt fit their idea of happiness? there are people i admire there are professionals that inspire me there is a kind of life i imagine i'd be happy to live but everything seems just. so so so far away from me. sometimes i wish i went to a public school as i should've gone, sometimes i wish i didnt had got that scholarship, i wish i didnt have to spend ALL MY ENTIRE LIFE feeling left out and behind and feeling like i was so much less than everyone else, i wish i didnt have to grow up thinking so poor of my own family bc it didnt have the money the stability the houses that my friend's families had, i wish i didnt have to study at a place that humiliated me daily for not being like them, i wish i had found friends that were more like me people i could identify with, i live my life always feeling like i dont belong anywhere i go and im so fucking tired of it, im never enough for these places im never enough for these people

i'll never be the person they taught me i should be they taught me i should dream of becoming

it would be great to be like that but maybe that's not my life maybe that's not something i can actually accomplish maybe that's not who i am

i really wanted to be a teacher but maybe this big elite school and maybe this big elitist city are too much for me. i'll just never be good enough

i cant work myself to be good enough

i cant pick up a fucking book and read bc im too busy trying to find sources of pleasure that cover up all the holes i have on me, bc im always so exhausted i just wanna rest and sleep, bc i fucked up my brain and i cant concentrate on anything anymore, and i fucked up my brain so bad bc i was SO. FUCKING. SAD. AND. ALONE. and i spent all my fucking time on a fucking screen

while my friends were going to theatre classes and dance classes and art classes and studying other languages and going to their beach houses and practicing sports and traveling abroad and having healthy and happy family meetings and learning the piano the guitar the violin

i love my friends but i cant fucking stand this bc all my entire life i wanted to be like them and now im 26 and well im starting to think that maybe this will never ever fucking happen

and maybe if i didnt grow up like this maybe if i didnt have such high expectations maybe if i hadnt lived with all this pressure maybe i'd be ok with working harder. bc i'd be doing it from my own standards. bc i wouldnt be constantly comparing myself to people who live in a completely different reality than mine.

i feel like i dont even have anyone i cant talk about this bc i feel like this is about everyone i could talk to and none of them would understand

im just so sad man im really really sad here. im tired of telling myself i should be grateful for that scholarship and ignore all the shit it made me feel and the way it cursed my whole fucking life but i just cant fucking escape from it

[daddy-socrates]

okay I'm curious Why did you mention salior uranus in your thesis?

THANK you for asking because i love to talk about it hehe >:3c buckle up

back in undergrad, i was invited to do a senior thesis. i wanted to do mine on language and gender because my (problematique fave) professor whose class got me into the field at the start just... wouldn't use my pronouns. she's very bad at using pronouns and frankly i think she does not understand limits. a philosophy of language class does not mean you get to just say ~whatever.~

basically, this project was borne out of "hey! use my fucking pronouns :))" i had (have) pretty severe "i can fix her" disease :// i....... was not a really great student in undergrad. people who have followed me since then can probably attest to that through my personal ramblings. my advisor (a different professor) was disappointed in me like the whole way through and i live in constant fear that she will find this blog and go "oh! thats why you didnt pay attention in class, dumbass :)" (though maybe she would see this post and say "oh.... growth :)" who's to say)

but see, though i struggled to get myself to stay engaged in my advisor's class, both she and that problematique fave had assigned texts that would lend themselves beautifully to my dream project - even though i just..... had a terrible habit of misunderstanding readings to basically an absolute inverse degree. like it's a chronic issue. maybe i should have figured out "this is what im understanding so the opposite is probably more correct." i'm working on it, though, and i'm better at getting it the second time around now that im in grad school. ^^;;

SO this brings me back to my thesis: basically, why does language matter? one of my chapters was about representation. i talked about janet in the good place reminding people every day, "not a girl." i talked about haruhi fujioka from ouran high school host club, "i don't care if people see me as a guy or a girl. it's what's on the inside that's important." i talked about stevonnie from steven universe, being the first fusion to be addressed with they/them pronouns. i talked about jesse and james from pokemon and their frequent "gender swapped" costumes. and, at last, i talked about sailor uranus - tenou haruka - using both masculine and feminine self-referential language and presentation.

the thesis statement of my tragically mediocre thesis paper is basically "when you have access to language, you can better describe your experience and understand the experiences of others." you can come to a stronger self-understanding, form connections with others who share some traits, discover community, come into support, enact change, and so on.

the paper im writing "writing" right now for my epistemology class is pretty much an elevated version of that, though i'm focusing less on gender identity and discussing like.... more like the "concept of identity" itself. one of my first grad classes was hermeneutics - the study of meaning, where it comes from and where it leads - and there is so much ~delicious~ overlap between the texts for that class, those from the undergrad class on language, the undergrad class on gender and intersectionality, and my current class. my current paper is on "epistemic injustice;" that is, lack of access to language (whether deliberately or unconsciously through systems that no single individual person had set up) puts people at disadvantage for the huge sector of life that they otherwise could understand.

ALL THIS to say, i was a snarky asshole in undergrad but i have very real investment in media representation. if i had watched she-ra before i presented my paper, i would have included double trouble (my beloved), and i have yet to watch owl house but i see there's another they/them? we love they/thems <33 i am always thinking back on when korrasami became canon, how that was a huge moment of positive bisexual representation. i think about sophia in orange is the new black, introducing to a more adult audience different layers and kinds of violences that she and other trans women, especially she as a black trans woman, are uniquely at risk for.

my graduate school thesis is going to diverge a bit from the language of justice and of personal and group understanding to an even broader scale, though i am going to have a lengthy chapter on the matter. (literally like one hour ago i emailed my county representatives to say "hey, the training material for my substitute teaching agency Fucking Sucks, how can i help bring appropriate language and subsequent recognition of mentally ill, neurodivergent, and disabled folks to the stage?")

the many forms of the philosophy of language is what sparked my passion for the field, and i want to give language to those who may have difficulty understanding texts like i do. i want to take all that i am learning and share it as best i can with others, or at the very least, use it to aid my interactions with others. that's why i have this stupid tongue-in-cheek blog in the first place! academic shitposts and some current social and political events are so important to share.

i do have a side blog for fandom shit since i wasnt smart enough to make that the main and this the side, so fan artists see @/daddy-socrates liking their posts and i am So Sorry About That but like... i don't want to take everything in life so, so, gravely seriously. OBVIOUSLY there are subjects and scenarios that are not to be joked about, but i think we get so bogged down in the severity of all the global problems that we forget to play around a bit. purposely putting a handful of anime characters into my undergrad thesis was my way of being both playful and highlighting how fun is a critical social learning tool. it may well have been the only really solid thing about that project, honestly. i hope that in the future i can revamp it, using what i have now.

so............. that was WAY more than you asked for, but there you have it, my whole raison d'être. :'^) thanks for asking, hope i made sense

[justmikerrss]

to all the boys that will *never* love me:

Dear christian, stephen, mikio, oscar, royce, pat, manny, derrick, mars, gill, rex, max, kevin, and nick -- whether y’all were a crush or someone i saw myself being in a relationship with get ready bc i’m going IN. I’m gonna use this time to rank these catastrophes from level 1 to level 5. level 1 being a crush yenno not so bad or scarring, and level 5 being sad machine playing while the world is burning to pieces like bish you left a MARK on my heart. if you know me i think you know who that person is hahaha

*alexa, please play truth hurts by lizzo*

christian - level 1. lol let’s take a trip down memory lane to my first crush ever!! my gosh i remember being so kilig over this boy in elementary school at st. leander lol it was so obvious. hahaha. your spikey hair and like goofy ass smile i don’t know i was such a sucker for that. the first filipino boy i ever crushed on waow <3 but then I left st. leander and never spoke to you again. you went to o’dowd, i went to sjnd and that was it really. you went to sfsu i went to usf. idk how we ever found each other on insta, but it is so cute to see posts of you and jasmine haha a USF don as well!! the last “convo” (i wouldn’t even call it that) was when i commented on your graduation post and you commented back thanking me and saying congrats too. so happy that your trillest brand is killing it and you know nothing about me anymore but what a great time it was to know you were my first crush ever lol. thanks for this <3

stephen - level 1. lol i left st. leander and moved to sjes and was like ok, who am i gonna crush on now?? hello stephen, my first white boi lol. i knew fosho that you thought i was weird in elementary school like there is a particular time where in church i sat next to you and during the our father you did not want to hold my hand LMAO and that’s when i knew. i stood from afar. touched your thumb for heads up 7 up HAHAHA gosh you were so out of my league and such an asshole tbh. you and nick, forever making fun of me for liking mikio lmfao hate y’all forever. you went to lmu and that was history. lmao you were so mean to me. but all well. you were like not a good person i think i just liked you because of your looks? lol hahaha

mikio - level 2.5. oh my god the epitome of my boy problems in high school lmfao fuck you. jk. but high school mika wouldn’t take that back. oh myyyyy what a FLIRT were you. i had so many fantasies thinking we’d be together, we’d be m&m HAHAH BARF wow, and then you dated mel and it was just like??? then you were my escort but then i was like nope and switched you with ryann LOL suuuuper crazy like I don’t really remember the details of everything but i knew in high school being so kawawa over not being noticed by you. but then you went to davis, slo, and now in sl?? idk where you are now but you had my heart back then (barf) but that was such a long time ago that honestly it doesn’t phase me anymore!! a feeling high school mika wouldn’t have thought was possible. so thank you. i liked you because you gave me little glimmers of hope of like maybe we could be together -- you were nice, flirtatious, close to your family... not afraid to make a fool of yourself for the one you’re interested in. which wasn’t me but again that’s okay! I wrote a letter to you didn’t i? idk what i was doing why was i so dramatic tbh. you did things that honestly weren’t in my control so i can’t hate you really. again realizing that you fit my type so it just, idk

oscar -- level 1. when mikio was being a butt i knew i could crush on you. LOL the hugs, the convos, being able to laugh at anything when you were in the room what a time SJND was when you were there. now you’re in boston with your boo and i’m still really regretful over not being able to see you when i was in boston last year but it’s okay. happy that you’re happy out there :-)

royce and pat -- level 1.5. ah. USF college times man. these two were literally a duo. RA’s of the 4th floor (share yall are silly for assigning that haha) and damn, what a trip it was to crush on you. royce you were a dj so thats how i knew my thing for dj’s came. you both did your jobs at ra’s, pat you were on eboard so i saw your hustle there which i super appreciated. and this is also how i knew filipinos were my type? lol. EVEN THO YALL WERE LIKE WITH BOOS lol i am cursed but yall had hustle, swagger, passion for what you love, and still made time for partying it up and studying. and now i see royce at parties sometimes n i would awk hug him (rip at the phoenix hotel party) and i havent seen pat since he graduated but hes so happy with becca!! so cute. and its cute (and weird) how kierst is happy with royce.

****DJ SPARKY/AGANA/YURI -- level 1. yall are dj’s who i will always cringe at bc of how naive i was at shooting my shot... BUT IM GLAD YOU ALL ARE THRIVING OK LETS DISMISS THOSE BOIZ NOW 

manny -- level 2.5. ahhhhh manny manny manny. my first trip towards using dating apps and matching with someone on TINDER!!! LOL!!!! ok anywho i met up with you for a few times and it was just like... a lot of question marks bc i didn’t really know where my standards were when it came to online dating. we went on dates? but the first time i paid, and the second time you “forgot your card” so i paid again?? and then you walked me to my dorm and kissed me on the forehead?? red alert!! then you kept wanting like a second chance, to prove me wrong and i kept ignoring you bc wtf lmao... then i was foolish to let you into my life again and realized that was a mistake and blocked you again. and now you’re like a bonafide dj living your edm dreams. i saw you at audio TWICE omg rip. i liked you because lol ur filipino, a dj, buttered me up a whole ton which again problematic bc i didn’t see any of it within myself... but its okay mika is better now. better to not be talking to you. but thank you for being my stepping stone into dating apps.

derrick -- level 1. omg at times i forget about you! which i don’t know is a good or bad thing but i don’t think i ever told anyone about you lol. we met on okc, this filipino boi (lol a trend) andddd i went on like two dates with him? one, i met up with him at that one coffee spot near golden gate park. then we walked over to ggp and we just talked and thinking about it now it was very ideal for me to be myself fully, in public if that makes sense. you were so nice and genuine omg. we went to sweet maple the second time around and you paid for the food which was like wow!! diff than manny!! and i remember talking to you about kh and you loving it as much as me. but i got scared because you were like 26 or somn? i was still 20 i think and i was like this dude might be asking a lot out of me...so i told him the “this is on me i don’t feel ready and not sure how i feel” spiel. and that was history. i honestly don’t know what he is doing now but he was really nice. i felt no malicious intentions from me, i just wasn’t ready to move forward w him. the first nice guy i ever let down bruh. ugh.i hope you’re doing well now though.  

mars -- LEVEL 5. fuck me i hate this chapter SO MUCH lmao. so many drunk cries and just cries in general post this whole... like chapter. but lets start off with why i liked you: handsome as hell, close to your family, athletic, hustled, SO MF KIND EVEN WHEN I WAS BEING CRAZY, a great homie and bf quality, gave me the false hope of like “yeah ill see if i can come through” “ill let you know when i listen to this” the forever ILL LET YOU KNOWS but still views my stories and still doesn’t let me know mentality.... you never initiated any of our convos. i was STRAIGHT pursuing you even though i didn’t believe that you’d change your mind about just seeing me as a friend. you made that clear to me from the start but i didn’t take that as an answer LOL which is why i was so crazy to keep hanging out with you... even tho you were super busy and i felt like a burden you STILL made time with me, whether that was peruvian food, or thursday nightlife followed by dancing at a bar together (which i ruined when you took me home and asked you about your love language lmao), souvla, and then our final time of seeing each other: san tung and tpumps. what a fucking few months that was...only to come out of it with another girlfriend with the same name as me. LIKE WHAT. ARE. THE. ODDS. i still can’t believe it till this day. my gosh you were so nice to me mars. such a great homie. and i wasnt empathetic or smart enough to make diff decisions to retain what we had...but im happy that you’re happy with mika. other mika. yeah. man i never felt so in the dark when going through this time, this was so rough. i wasn’t eating, i’d cry in bed for days, it was so bad. i’d like to say that I’m healed from that though. lol to burning the shirt which honestly i should have kept bc it was a cute shirt.. but yeah. thank you.

gill -- level 1. lol you were dumb to think i was attractive enough to dance with at the soulection event. we exchange numbers and i think because i told you i was 21, you backed off. lol guess i was a fetus then. still am. lmao. we text for a bit but then i find out you tried to get into arcilla’s pants?? lMAO. oh and then i see you at that pool party, saw you talking to other girls and i broke DOWN bc i was crossed as hell LOL sorry ate kayla that you had to take me home that day LOL ugh i hate myself for that night. and then i see you right in front of me at OSL. in 2019?? for childish?? that was such weird weird fate. thank god you didn’t recognize me (i had long black hair there, you remembered me with short brown hair plus it was dark). i just thought it was crazy. uhm you had the fuckboy vibe and look on point.. knew everything about soulection. family oriented. but it just fizzled bc i blocked you and then just stopped talking to you lol.

*****chris l/frankie -- level 1. again i cringe at how dramatic i pursued yall sorta as crushes but for sure bc yall were soulcycle and about fitness YES bodies 10/10 and you understood soul. but omg chris pls get ur life together (which is what it seems like ur doing??) and frankie well you’ve been having your life together being married and all so0o0o0 im trash for crushing lmao BUT IM GLAD THATS ALL IN THE PAST AND THAT WE’VE FORGOTTEN i think lmao

rex -- level 0.5. lmfao you were dumb you’re gonna keep looking at me and emily only for me to make the move in letting you know i was interested, follow you on ig, and then you block me?? weirdo. bye.

MY HINGE BOYS </3 

Max -- level 3. oh maximus lmao. we talked for a whole month and what a pleasure it was to text you every day, receive and send memes, curate playlists, be w/ each other at different events... only for it to end after we netflix party/facetime where i don’t feel the kilig i’d feel when texting you. so i told you i wanted to be friends. and then i try to still reach out and be friends, but i got delayed responses to no responses. and now you just, look at my stories? lmao i know it don’t mean shit to look and you recently liked my post, but i feel like i invested a lot into our quarantine reality. you had GREAT music taste (even tho ur playlist was a lil questionable), for all i know you were just telling me things to like get you on my good side, motivated, privileged......... yeah. i hope you find your 5′0 qt rave queen that can go to events with u

KEVIN -- level 1. lmfao honestly you SUCK hahaha even with the benefit of the doubt, it does not take 10 hours to reply...even if you are busy at work NICK AND MAX WERE ABLE TO!!! you were spotty to begin with but then we netflix party and then you dont talk to me anymore after i ask if we could exchange music playlists? i didnt even ask u to be my boyfriend its a fucking playlist.... we talked about music so much. ugh BOYS ARE SO DUMB LIKE SERIOUSLY. hope amazon treats ya right

NICK -- level 4. ugh. ughguhgughgh. i liked you because your profile/resume was all my criteria: music taste A1 bc of bryson, i hated mint chip, i loved spongebob (even tho you NEVER sent me spongebob memes fuck u), you were hapa (he he but fuck u) (i laugh while typing this i am so dum), uhm. yeah. we talked everyday consistently for two weeks. you were such a joy to text bc you were funny (i was funny too), even tho it was hard to keep the convo going w you at times in the beginning because you never inquired about me at times. max did. its like you were better than mars, but not like A+ in replying like max was. you never really flirted with me? lmao i mean even those attempts of me tryna bait you, i always got... friend vibes. benefit of the doubt maybe you just didn’t know how to flirt but you had posts of your past relationship up on your feed so you cant tell me that that exp did not have you pursue a girl and flirt her up. to me, there was no initiative from you. i was chasing you for sure. this dating life is a two way street -- life doesn’t work where one pursues you only otherwise like no. bet if i went the fuckboi approach, gave you lame responds would you have kept the convo going? prolly not bc ur a cancer and want to feel needed. the only thing ill commend you on is when you’d apologize for delays in text messages but then you kinda stopped that. like understand i should also feel like i should be pursued and never did i feel that i felt like you just responded just to respond... like you’re a cancer its in your nature to dive deep and ask deep questions but you never did, you were the type to play video games with your pals LMAO and like/????/? me understanding gamer life i was like YES this boy gets me but like CMON. lol so many things. ok maybe i am reading too into this but this is the freshest heartache :/ you never like told me i was cute or anything like... max made remarks about my looks and you never did. i mean cool maybe you were just vibing off my energy but i just now question if you were actually interested in me? bc i was trying so hard to make you like me. every meme, was a move. you didnt play your cards right!! its like i kept hitting you with plus fours, and then all you’d put down is the same color number card. where was the fun in that? it was super effortless but anxiety filling for me at the same time bc i was convinced that you were the one. :’/ super good news to hear that you wanted to meet virtually literally NO EXPECTATIONS but then monday rolls around, you dont text me the whole day, i check in at 530, you tell me you go to costco instead and want to reschedule bc you thought i was ghosting you????? wtf did u just like expect me to just call u right at 7 and expect u to be ready?? max texted me after work and was like “we still on right?” so i was high key expecting that from you bc 1. show interest and 2. take initiative but you DIDN’T!! so i was honest in telling you how i felt but kept it light and asked to reschedule. you take forever to reply, but when you do you tell me it was silly OF ME to think you were supposed to confirm it which i get i initiated it i shoulda texted you earlier (but what if i had the worst day ever and couldn’t text you??? would you have just let it be and not text me anymore bc you assumed i ghosted you???) you also said that you thought maybe it was too quick to assume that i ghosted you which is YES tru. however i was not going to apologize for not texting you earlier and waiting for you to reply bc boy, that was on you to make a move to double check. if i was in your shoes i woulda texted. that would indicate to me that oh wow this boy is making sure we are meeting and confirming! even drop a hey hows your day you excited for tonight? i made it obvious to hype you up on your photos and everything, you just were like wow your photos are so good! wow i hope you posted that picture! like idk. i kept it light bc i still really wanted to meet you, and just wanted to attribute this small ass thing as a misunderstanding between the two of us but after long hours of making me wait, you decide you don’t want to reschedule because you were unsure of how you were feeling and that you couldn't put your all in and said sorry. no sentiment towards wanting to be friends just a straight goodbye which basically meant, in harsher terms im prolly not as down as you are for me and maybe i am nervous to meet u (idk ill never know if you were) anddd im not interested anymore bc you’re crazy and ME being the womyn that i am ended up being the mature one and said the goodbye hope you have a good life without me text and then our lovestory ended lololol what a great two weeks am i right? honestly maybe you still need to do some growing buddy but relationships are not easy going they are a two way street but also ill never know maybe you were just texting me just to text me and you still wanted to be the nice guy bc you were scared of how invested things would be post call so you call it off and it was just in the moment for you to be down but then have it change on another day.... i woke up in a better headpsace today about how this turned out but like god fucking dammit i had high hopes for you you infj CANCER. *squidward voice* so thanks. thanks for NOTHING (this is when you start your spongebob dialogue of all how to get everyone on board for practicing for the bubble bowl and sing sweet victory)

so, the end LOL basically. to all the boys who will never love me, ultimately thank you for being a part of my life. thank you srsly. thank you for making me exp the pain, the kilig, the uh everything. growing pains these are, but at the end of the day, i hope you have a good life. whether or not we cross paths again this gives me clarity as to what i’m looking for and what i deserve. this goalgetting, resilient, funny, hardworking, awkward but in the best way pinay is a force to be reckoned with!!! she has the best support system out there!!! she has so much to live for because she is determined to not let down anyone counting on her!!!! so fuck u for missing out on that!!!

k. my ideal man list is coming soon. until then... see ya later.

xoxo,

Mika (allison to some)

[nikvs-blog]

pov rp: i try to wink at u but i close both eyes like jinsoul in this gif <3 SBJDWBDJWBDJ hello im xan im 22 & from the est timezone i use she / her pronouns & ur watching disney channel. is this super late ? yea...but thats super on brand for me its fine its fun its sexy so * jugkook vc* let’s get it !

— jung jinsoul. she/her. cis female. | was that niko seo i just saw in the hideaway lobby ? i hear the twenty-two year old spends most of their time working as a waitress, but i’ve always just seen them scribbling poetry on napkins. they live in 3A and i often see them in the halls. they always give me a vibe of making wishes on falling stars, silk ribbons adorning messy ponytails, and breakfast at midnight.

BACKSTORY

so miss niko was born in a teeny tiny suburban town in north carolina to a pair of  young high school sweethearts ! unfortunately her mom passed away during childbirth so it was a very bittersweet arrival into the world for baby niko

her dad was a mechanic who never made it to college since his girlfriend got pregnant towards the end of their senior year. they got married before niko was born though because they were pretty serious abt raising her right but they never really got the chance to /: but her dad loved his job he loved working with cars & it was something his own dad did before him plus it was a job the town really valued since it was so tiny ( u really only needed one of everything )

when i say tiny i mean everyone knows everyone tiny. growing up the town kinda pitied niko bc of her mom dying so to compensate everyone kinda tried to do their part in raising her ! her neighbors were just as much of a parent to her as her own dad was, and everyone had stories abt her mom so niko kinda appreciated how small the town was.....sometimes

that changed as she got older ! when she started high school her dad kinda entered a rough patch & started drinking more with his buddies, started working less, and niko started getting calls from the sheriff at 2 am like “hey we’re gonna keep ur dad for the night he didnt do anything crazy but he got a little too drunk u can pick him up tomorrow” sort of thing 

she was there for him every time but it got kinda overwhelming knowing everyone was in her family's business & how much kids would gossip at school or adults would give her sad looks

basically she kinda just....became very disillusioned with her reality & began to realize no one around her was really.....happy or had big dreams and their entire lives revolved around this tiny town which scared her

but also ? it had started becoming her life, too. she was voted prom queen senior year, she had a job at a diner where the same people ate everyday, she’d been dating the same boy for four years and everyone talked about how they’d probably get married soon. she’d become exactly like everyone else without even realizing it....she didnt have some big dream.....she didnt even have plans for college she was just so stuck

and then disaster hit the summer after she graduated high school. her dad had crashed right into a tree on a rainy night trying to drive home after a night out drinking & died on impact. the news honestly didnt feel real to her until her grandparents were helping her clear out her house so she could come move in with them 

which is when she finds her mom’s old diary ! and boy was that thing . fat & juicy ... it had all four years worth of her mom’s high school years inside and niko became ...obsessed with it. all she did that summer her dad died was read her mom’s old diary learning more abt the woman from those pages than she ever had from the mouths of everyone in her town

 thats how she found out her mom had always dreamed of moving to some city like seattle and starting this new life once she found out she was pregnant with niko ! so niko was like ok this has to be a sign....told her grandparents she loved them but she couldnt stay in north carolina.....and boop ! she pretty much disappeared from the town, didnt tie up any lose ends ( including her bf of four years who she was kinda engaged to ? JSDBJBDJ ) because she just had to leave that bad. 

cue a scene on bus with niko looking out the window as some dramatic song abt new beginnings plays . JSDBJSBDJW seattle was truly her new start at 18 ... and all she wanted to do was just ... reinvent herself 

so she did ! first thing she did was get a job as a waitress bc uh ur girl was BROKE broke but she knew she was good at serving. the first year was.....pretty rough there’s no sugar coating it niko was struggling bad, probably living in some questionable apartment when she wasnt coach hopping at her coworker’s places. despite all this she was....insanely happy she really believed ( and still does ) seattle is magic !

she was working at a diner ironically, just like she had been back home, but this diner changed her life about a two years ago. one day one of her regulars ( a very well off lawyer who worked downtown ) told her she was way too pretty and charming to be serving at a place like this & that he had a buddy who owned an upscale restaurant near his job downtown & that he could probably get niko a job there if she wanted

so she was like UH hell yes....showed up the next day at this fancy restaurant, charmed the pants off the owner, and the rest ? is history !  she moved into hideaways a bit after getting this new job & has been there ever since <3

PERSONALITY + TIDBITS

personality wise niko is kinda ....hard to figure out. she doesnt do it on purpose, she’s just still learning about who she is and what she really wants. back home in north carolina she was kind of the small town golden girl, loved by everyone type of deal but also very romanticized by those around her ??? ppl thought she was brilliant and knew so much about everything when the truth was she just knew a little about a lot. she would read to escape the suburban boredom of her reality & took a special interest in things like art and poetry and astronomy. shes the type to want to share the stuff she’s learned with those around her

in seattle since no one knew her the way they did back home, niko decided she wanted to keep it that way. because of this and because shes so hesitant to talk about her family sometimes she can come across as mysterious but she’s a surprisingly open person !! she’s naturally super curious and friendly and she’s found it really helps to be the kind of person people want to get to know and trust when working in the service industry. she’s got the type of aura about her that makes you feel as if maybe you’ve known her forever, even if she’s only told you one thing about herself ( which is often the case) . can probably make anyone feel at home within five minutes of talking to her & you won’t even realize how she’s doing it. her boss swears she’s charming enough to sell honey to a bee ! 

she’s also got a flighty side though that comes out when you get too close. niko’s great at relationships when they aren’t deep, but the moment you start and figure her out and see past the smiley walls she’s got up she recoils fast. in a way she’s terrified of anyone knowing too much about her because she’s scared that once they do they’ll pity her, and niko can’t stand being pitied. she’s also super good at dishing out affection but not so good at receiving it. the type to fall in love then right back out of love in one day. kinda a heart breaker bc of this but she doesn't mean to be, she just gets infatuated kinda easily & isn’t very good at keeping things serious ever since literally running away from her long-time ex in north carolina JSBCSJBDJW 

some fun facts: she wants to get a cat and name it cat so bad but she’s not sure she’d be a good pet mom so she just settles for petting stray cats in public. 100% that weirdo crouching in the street making kissy noises because she saw a cat and wants to pet it. she can name just about every constellation & loves to sit outside and look at the stars on clear nights, usually while smoking a joint . she’s a hardcore lightweight .... im talking one tequila shot and she’s floored ... two glasses of wine and she’s taking her top off  then crying kinda deal like she CANNOT handle her liquor so she tries to keep partying to a minimum. she’s got a collection of napkins from work were people have scribbled their phone numbers onto as well as a collection of napkins niko herself has scribbled on. she mostly writes poems and sometimes she even leaves a napkin with a poem on it behind at a table like a little gift for whoever sits there next. she’s probably always writing poems for all her friends or infatuations so if you’re in her life....you’ve gotten one at some point ! 

the only thing she brought with her from north carolina were all her records. she’s got a pretty extensive collection that ranges from donna summer to louis armstrong to led zeppelin & when she finally got a record player of her own in seattle it was probably the best day of her life <3 she really likes to watch scary movies but also they scare her so bad so it’s a cycle of oh yes lets watch this.....fuck why did i do that.....im sleeping with the lights on rinse & repeat. she really likes to cook ! she learned at a pretty early age out of necessity but now she does it for her own pleasure also because of her growing interest / knowledge in the restaurant industry. her wardrobe is 95% thrifted and 5% stolen from miscellaneous people ( her dad, old boyfriends, hookups, friends, etc. ) is a notorious hoodie thief so dont lend her yours......

and this is WAY too long im.....so sorry this literally always happens aha <3 yes i ramble but thats bc . i have a lot to say and i also have a lot of love to give ! spare some plots ? we can im on tumblr but i am 100% easier to reach on discord  @ EL i love u 💖✨🌙#8172 so hit me up there & lets get this show on the road baby ! 

[lesbianboobees-blog]

My coming out story

This is long, but to be fair, it took me 10 years. My thoughts may be a little scattered, I dont think I've told this story all the way through before.

I was 18, a senior in high school. I was that goth kid but I was also in the honors and AP classes. I mainly hung out with a small group of other goth/punk kids, a few were open lesbians. One of them, we will call her shannon, ended up being in my Spanish class. We got pretty close, and she started hitting on me. I had always liked her, and I realized maybe I did like her more than a friend. My senior year, a lot of other things had happened to really bring me out of my good girl shell. "Dont knock it till you try it" was basically my motto. So, eventually I slept with shannon. It was ming blowing. There was some typical lesbian triangle drama after that, so we never did it again or had a relationship. One time thing. I didn't really even consider that I only liked women at that point. I just thought "well, I guess I like girls too." And that was that.

My senior year, I had lost my virginity (I had been raised catholic and believed in saving sex for marriage), on a separate occasion I was sexually abused, and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, type 2. A lot was going on. So I just decided to identify as bisexual.

As a note, I fully support all bisexuals. It is a real thing, it isnt a phase, or any of the other crap people say. In my case, dealing with bipolar disorder and everything else was already too much, I wasnt ready to deal with my sexuality.

I dated another lesbian in my group of friends for about a month. I dont even remember why we broke up, but we stayed friends after. After high school, I went back to dating guys because it was easier. I just got too nervous around women. (Yup, definitely gay). Now, I think bipolar disorder has had a big effect on this story. One of the parts of bipolar that isn't talked about is an extremely high sex drive. Since I wasnt very nervous around men, it was easier to fulfill my sex drive. I am still ashamed of that now, but shit happens. I got engaged to a guy a year and a half after graduating high school. But I freaked out about marriage and cheated on him. The one and only time I have ever cheated. I will never do that again. On to more relationships with men. I broke up with every single guy I was ever with. (Theres yet another sign). I had slept with a few more women, but still hadn't had another relationship yet. I was going to community college, and attendance failed most of my classes. Eventually I decided I wanted to become an automotive mechanic (gayyy). I moved to Arizona to go to a technical school. 2 year program, and I did not live in the school housing program. The whole school was probably 95% men. There was one lesbian I was friends with, she was in a toxic relationship she refused to get out of. So, I was with guys again. Near the end of the program, there was a party I went to. this straight girl admitted she had a major crush on me. So, we slept together. After.. she bowed to me. Full on kneeling on the floor bowing. I was sure she was just drunk and being silly. But unlike anyone else I had been with in school, I was proud of being with her. (Oh the gayness). There was one other girl I had met that I wanted to be in a relationship with, but she didn't seem interested in anything more than sex. I knew I was probably leaving after I graduated anyway. So there wasnt a good reason to pursue it.

I graduated, and moved back home. It was a rough time. All my friends were gone. They got married, or had kids, or moved away. It was so lonely. Going from having so many friends around me for 2 years.. to zero... depression hit hard.

A guy I knew from college stayed in touch and showed interest in a relationship. A few months later, I was moving to Ohio to be with him. Worst years ever. The depression was so overwhelming, and he was clueless. I was lucky enough to find a roommate so I could break up and move out. Eventually I got a job back home and went back. Again, no friends. Same damn story, a guy at my new job showed interest. I guess my thought process was "I just need to try different types of guys". Another relationship. During this one, my only gay cousin died in an accident at the age of 34. It absolutely crushed me. I was not close with him, and barely talked to him, and it took me a long time to realize why it hit me so hard.

After I ended that relationship, I reconnected with my high school ex girlfriend. He was transitioning and wanted my support. He introduced me to his friend, we will call her Jenny.

Now, this part still stings. But it was the relationship that changed things for me in a lot of ways. She pointed out things from my past that were exceptionally gay. And that got me thinking. Really, that was the only good thing to come out of that relationship. After 8 months together, I slowly found out she is a sociopath, pathological liar, and lied and manipulated her way through absolutely everything and everyone. I broke up with her after 10 months. Great first real relationship with a woman. Anyway.

2017 and 2018 (age 26 and 27) was when I really took a good look at my past and considered my sexuality. There were soooooo many things that made me think. I went from " maybe I like girls more than guys" to "holy crap, I'm so fucking gay". But at the same time, I was trying to heal from the deep scars left by that toxic relationship. I started working out at the gym, trying to lose weight, and just focusing on bettering myself. It took me therapy and a little over a year to finally feel like I had healed enough to trust again. Meanwhile, I haven't dated or slept with anyone.

I am 28 now. 10 years from my first gay experience, and I want to have queer friendships and maybe start dating again. I am overcoming the shame of being gay that was learned in my catholic upbringing. 2 of my 3 siblings know I'm gay, and are fine with it. I'm still not out to my parents. I have been living with them so I could pay off my student loans. I'm so close to getting them completely paid off. This year, my goal was to move out and come out to my parents. I dont think my dad will react well, and i would rather not be homeless. Until i can move out, i want to make friends. The vicious cycle of loneliness leading to relationships is going to stop.

I also wanted to mention, when I identified as bisexual, I felt like I wasnt accepted into the LGBTQ community. There was a few women I would've loved to be in a relationship with, but I got the vibe that they werent interested because I was bisexual. I realize now that i may have made that up as an excuse. But I understand the bi struggle. And I fully support every letter of the LGBTQIA community. I dont want anyone to feel like they dont belong here. We are stronger together, and can make a huge difference in each others lives.

That's why now identifying as a lesbian, I feel like a baby gay. Even though I have experience with women sexually, everything else is new. I've heard people say that our generation has had it so much easier coming out, mainly because of the internet. I did not find this true. I was so lost, I didn't even know where to start, or what to search. I mean, you can't search anything lesbian without filtering through a fuckton of porn. I didn't know how to find the information I wanted. I didn't even know what I wanted to know. I felt (feel) like a teenager all over again trying to figure out who I am and how I fit into this community.

And that's where this blog starts.

Please feel free to comment, I'm always open to advice and conversation. Also, please be respectful, it feels very vulnerable putting this out there. But I feel it is important to share these stories. If just one person feels less alone and can relate, it was worth it to share.

[citrus-feline]

the ultimate difference between me and my sister is our idea on how a life is supposed to be lived. even if i didnt have depression i would feel the same.

i hate how it is considered ‘normal’ to actively destroy your body and mind for the sake of capitalism. but she is the type of person who amplifies that expectation x100. she has no understanding of the concept of having fun. i swear the only thing keeping her sane is her dogs, which she has 3 of. because just one or two isnt enough for what shes doing.

she also shoves that expectation on everyone else. if you dont meet that, you are automatically a failure to her. when i told her at thanksgiving how we just moved out, her response wasnt “good job!” it was “okay now do something else”...... she was crying to me a few months before about how i was “killing our dad” because i was still at home. so i moved. a big, difficult thing. but that meant nothing to her.

she doesnt understand my personal need to take things slow or i will literally try to kill myself. she doesnt fucking get that. ive explained it to her. once even mentioning how bad my suicidal thoughts get. and she just got MAD at me. she acted like i have no right to feel like dying, because i don’t DO anything. look, i don’t do a lot, but i still do some things. i have a job that i make okay money with and i clean a little and cook a good amount of the time. yes i should be doing more, but the fact that im doing ANYTHING is fucking incredible compared to how i was a few months ago.

i know i go on and on about my sister all the fucking time but its because about 90% of my awful thoughts / expectations of myself can be lead back to her.

i dont even keep my depression and anxiety a secret from my family or anything. i have been open about it (or, as open as a very anxious teen can be). she never believed me. she never thought it was REALLY a problem. and she continues to feel that way about me. she thinks im weak and a disappointment. “you used to be so smart and talented!!” yeah. i was. but serious mental illness can easily ruin that if it is ignored for years like she wanted me to do.

honestly i fucking wish i wasnt the “smart” kid when i was younger. FUCK, i wasnt even for that long in school. i STOPPED being the smart kid by high school, even earlier. my only talents were writing papers and understanding the content without much trouble. that is NOT enough to consider me smart.

i dont know what she wants. well, i DO, but i wish it would be something POSSIBLE. she wants me to have a high paying job that i work full time & get benefits with like health insurance. she wants me to stop having fun and to focus on just work. she cant comprehend the way my body works because she has never dealt with anything like that. she has never experienced that dread and empty tiredness. that feeling where you think the best way to get out of it would be to just die or sleep.

sometimes i wonder what she would do in the scenario of my committing suicide. i planned on doing it before graduation, so it is something i think about a lot. what would have happened if i actually went through with that? would she care at all? she claims to love me but then she turns around and shows me every single way im worthless and a burden.

you wanna know WHY i SINCERELY believe that i am a burden? something that i am constantly told is a horrible thing to say but no matter what i still believe it? because of HER. the guilt tripping and the shouting and feeding all of these thoughts into my head how i am selfish and horrible for what i am doing / lack of what im doing.

i thought a long time about what my suicide note would have been. and i still think about it every few days just in passing currently. ‘I’m sorry I was such a burden’ or, ‘I’m sorry I’m so worthless’. Or maybe just ‘I’m sorry. I love you.’

its an awful thing to think about, i am aware. and i am aware that my view of myself is basically the most self-damaging it can be. but its fucking hard to unlearn that shit!! ive been SO SLOWLY starting to appreciate my appearance (which i still have tons of problems with), and even just that is taking so fucking long. i dont know HOW to fix myself. i could see a therapist, yeah. and just say how i feel and feel a little bit better afterwards but have nothing really change. my medication is already very high doses, so increasing that is not on my list of to-do’s.

i don’t know how to better explain that most of the time i sincerely believe that i am worthless. literally completely void of worth. i don’t think i have a right to be alive and where i am now. i don’t think i deserve any of the kindness i’ve been given. i don’t think i can get better in a meaningful way without it taking a decade if not longer.

it is true when they say that you are your biggest bully. but sometimes you have to pay attention to WHERE those ideas came from. what was the seed for that toxic thinking? a parent? a teacher? a sibling? or even just the media?

sometimes i imagine how different i would be if i never believed what i was told and never thought too hard about it. my sister has never outright called me a burden (i dont think?), but she has implied it enough for me to believe it. it can be the subtext that causes all of this. which REALLY fucking sucks because i pick up on subtext like a fucking natural.

im sorry. this post is too long and i am going to end it now.

[b0stonmanor]

since yall kept fuckin asking heres 1-155. Go ahead and see how fucking lame I actually am

1: Full name: Madison Lyn (I’m not putting my last name on the internet lmao)

2: Age:19

3: 3 Fears: heights, elevators, being alone for the rest of my life 

4: 3 things I love: cats, coffee, sleeping

5: 4 turns on: (I’m gonna make it nonsexual okay): body mods, humor, good vibes, nice laugh

6: 4 turns off: (gonna make these nonsexual too): rude, nasty, conceited, takes days to reply lmao

7: My best friend: girl: @bohoangel guy: @bostonnanner

8: Sexual orientation: pansexual

9: My best first date: haven’t had a best one yet, need someone to change that lmao

10: How tall am I: 5′8

11: What do I miss: lots of things and people both too many too name

12: What time was I born: 2:06am

13: Favourite color: blue

14: Do I have a crush: still crushin on my last man

15: Favourite quote: either some vine or “I’m here for a good time not a long time” I have way too many favs

16: Favourite place: my room, best friends house, or beach house

17: Favourite food: buffalo chicken or alfredo

18: Do I use sarcasm: of course not 

19: What am I listening to right now: music ;)

20: First thing I notice in new person: smile

21: Shoe size: no

22: Eye color: hazel

23: Hair color: naturally brunette currently red

24: Favourite style of clothing: gothic, pop punk or hippie/boho

25: Ever done a prank call?: I havent personally 

27: Meaning behind my URL: I needed to change my url of 8 years and I wanted something short and easy to remember but I also wanted it to be a band so it would fit my blog and surprisingly this one wasnt taken

28: Favourite movie: I have way too many 

29: Favourite song: again way too many

30: Favourite band: AGAIN way too many

31: How I feel right now: I feel fucking exhausted 

32: Someone I love: okay now Im sad 

33: My current relationship status: okay NOW Im crying but single

34: My relationship with my parents: welp my dads dead and my mom and I are okay

35: Favourite holiday: Halloween or Christmas

36: Tattoos and piercing I have: no tattoos yet and I have my nose pierced and first and second holes pierced on my ears

37: Tattoos and piercing I want: too many

38: The reason I joined Tumblr: I was 12 that should be enough

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?: No. In fact I could never hate him and I dont think I’ll love anyone like I did/do him.

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?: eh sometimes

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? last text over imessage yes

42: When did I last hold hands?: I have no idea

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?: I dont do anything really so not too long

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?: dont out me

45: Where am I right now?: my room

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?: @bohoangel

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?: both

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?: mom

49: Am I excited for anything?: nah

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? @bostonnanner

51: How often do I wear a fake smile?: eh

52: When was the last time I hugged someone?: yesterday

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?: I mean idc but it’d just be fucking weird cause they’re kissing in front of me 

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?: plenty of people lmao

55: What is something I disliked about today?: I’ll do yesterday since today hasnt really happened. But it was fathers day and my heart was hurting so bad cause I miss my dad more than anything and really wish he was still here

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?: my fuckin soulmate bitch

57: What do I think about most?: in all honesty, my ex

58: What’s my strangest talent?: I can do this smile thing that nobody else can do and it makes me look like a frog

59: Do I have any strange phobias?: probably

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?: in front

61: What was the last lie I told?: that I was a child of God

62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?: video chatting but I dont mind either

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?: fuck yes and fuck yes

64: Do I believe in magic?: I’m a god damn witch bitch

65: Do I believe in luck?: I believe in karma

66: What’s the weather like right now? according to my phone its currently clear and 61 degrees

67: What was the last book I’ve read?: I have no idea

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?: eh

69: Do I have any nicknames? Maddie, Mad, Mads

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?: I had a staph infection in my foot that went back and forth across my foot and then up my leg (doctor said if my mom didn’t bring me when she did I would’ve died cause it would’ve gone to my heart)

71: Do I spend money or save it?: spend it 

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue?: nope

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me? ye

74: Favourite animal?: cats

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?: I have no idea

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?: oh shit I’ve never thought of this

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?: good question

78: How can you win my heart?: Be Italian 

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? I honestly have no idea

80: What is my favorite word? bitch

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr: I get asked this way too much

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?: probably some hippie bullshit

83: Do I have any relatives in jail?: I’ve had relatives in jail but I dont think anyones in jail rn

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? theres too many lmao

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? probably if I’ve smoked or drank or have done anything bad but only if my mom was asking

86: What is my current desktop picture? its just basic 

87: Had sex?: nah

88: Bought condoms?: nah

89: Gotten pregnant?: nah

90: Failed a class?: nah

91: Kissed a boy?: ye

92: Kissed a girl?: ye

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?: nah

94: Had job?: ye

95: Left the house without my wallet?: ye

96: Bullied someone on the internet?: nah

97: Had sex in public?: nah

98: Played on a sports team?: ye

99: Smoked weed?: ye

100: Did drugs?: nothing hardcore just smoking weed

101: Smoked cigarettes?: nah

102: Drank alcohol?: ye

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?: I’ve tried

104: Been overweight?: no answer

105: Been underweight? also no answer

106: Been to a wedding?: ye

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?: ye

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?: ye

109: Been outside my home country?: nah

110: Gotten my heart broken?: of course

111: Been to a professional sports game?: ye

112: Broken a bone?: ye

113: Cut myself?: ye

114: Been to prom?: ye

115: Been in airplane?: ye

116: Fly by helicopter?: nah

117: What concerts have I been to?: pink, metallica/volbeat, warped tour 2016,2017,2018, jingle ball, some birthday bash, I cant remember if I’ve been to any other ones lmao

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?: not entirely 

119: Learned another language?: not fully

120: Wore make up?: ye

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?: I’m a child of god

122: Had oral sex?: nah

123: Dyed my hair?: ye

124: Voted in a presidential election?: not yet

125: Rode in an ambulance?: couldve a couple times but my parents decided to drive me

126: Had a surgery?: nah

127: Met someone famous?: I guess? 

128: Stalked someone on a social network?: who doesnt do this

129: Peed outside?: ye

130: Been fishing?: ye

131: Helped with charity?: I think so

132: Been rejected by a crush?: who doesnt get rejected

133: Broken a mirror?: probably

134: What do I want for birthday?: lots of things

135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?: I have no idea

136: Was I named after anyone?: No but I have the same middle name as my aunt

137: Do I like my handwriting?: ye

138: What was my favorite toy as a child?: I have no idea

139: Favorite Tv Show?: American Horror Story, Bob’s Burgers, The Office, or Drunk History

140: Where do I want to live when older?: New Hampshire

141: Play any musical instrument?: I can play the violin and piano and can also sing but idk if that counts lmao

142: One of my scars, how did I get it?: its barely noticeable but literally right under my left eye (like right at the edge of my dark circle lmao) I got attacked by a dog and it bit me in the face and I had to get stitches but I bitched out and had it glued instead lmao

143: Favorite pizza topping? cheese

144: Am I afraid of the dark?: depends where I am

145: Am I afraid of heights?: ye

146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?:nah

147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?: haha yeah

148: What I’m really bad at: everything

149: What my greatest achievements are: I fucking graduated from high school. Like I would never wish what I went through on anyone ever not even my worst enemy. It was worse than hell

150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: I honestly dont remember 

151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery: lots of stuff

152: What do I like about myself: my eyebrows

153: My closest Tumblr friend: I cant say @bohoangel cause I’ve known her since 5th grade so I’ll say @bostonnanner even though we met on omegle years ago lmao

154: Something I fantasize about: lots of things

155: Any question you’d like?: literally whatever anyone wants to know

[vaporwavegirl]

2017 has been the craziest most emotionally damaging and most exhausting and weirdest year of my life. But through all have that I've met some amazing people and learned so much and grown up so much as a person I'm really started to learn about who really am and I've opened up and really matured alot this year. Started college and really starting to save up money and buying my own car and turning 18 and being given so much more freedom becoming so much more open and with my mother and forming such a close unbreakable bond with the women who adopted me and saved my life really was I was a baby. SHe and my father (who recently divorced) gave up alot to adopt me and my brother and raise us the best they could. We're not perfect and we definitely are difficult and mean and make stupid decisions sometimes but our parents despite going through alot them selves and our family struggling with alot of deaths and being broke and not having jobs for awhile have still done what they could to give us a good life. My mom is still there for me and is trying her hardest to take care of me and this year has been shitty but it has transformed me into an entirely new and happier and better person honestly. I've become much more spiritual and I'm so much I more in touch with myself .I'v been through alot but I wouldn't have it any other way it has been for the best. I have met so many of the most amazing people this year some of which were only in my life for a short time unfortunately. But I hope to keep in touch with these people and grow and thrive with them and I'm so happy I'm entering 2018 with some of the most amazing talented creative beautiful people I have ever have the pleasure of knowing in this life. This year is going to be about becoming an adult and making my way out of my mom's house and being on my own and figuring my future and my life out. I plan on moving across the country to the Washington /Oregon Seattle or forks or Portland or something because that's where i really feel like I belong and will thrive the most. I currently live in Alabama and there is nothing for me here except all the friends I've made. But I really feel like I want a fresh start somewhere completely new and amazing and meet many more new Amazing beautiful and live my life to the fullest. After Tonight I'm quitting all of my partying and drugs atleast until I get financially stable enough and atleast am moved out of my mom's house or am living on my own somewhere and I can afford to party and live my life a little so that will probably be when move to Seattle and weed and stuff is legal and it's more acceptable to be who I am up there. I'm quitting smoking weed for atleast like 2-3 months after today. Only reason I am not longer is because I smoke marijuana to medicate myself for my depression and anxiety and shit as opposed to prescription stuff because the stuff doctors give me just make me feel numb and not myself and I'm still low-key depressed. I'm only taking a break from weed to start saving up money and really try to focus and finding a place to move out to when I graduate around may and saving up to do so. Don't judge me but while I'm taking my few months off from smoking and I'm going to be selling a bit of bud to my close friends to make some extra money on the side because weed isn't quite legal here yet and it's a little difficult for my friends to get sometimes and it's going to help me out as a student who finds it hard to find a part time job that doesn't pay minimum wage (7.25 fuK THAT) and gives me decent hours it's always not enough hours for decent pay or they work me to FUCKING dEATH for shit pay and it stresses me out. I quit my recent job about a week and ago I'm started 2018 fresh with a new job starting pay a little above minimum wage at 8.50 an hour and after a few weeks I'll get a raise. They say I'll hopefully get decent hours like 25-35 a week and it's a small Japanese/ Asian/ pop culture shop owned by a Chinese lady that coincidentally has the same name as me and there's only like 3 other people that work there and they are all really cool good friends of mine that's I've met through cosplaying the past few years. So starting with a new hopefully better job. Starting off sober with my mind focussed on graduating cosmetology school and saving up money and working hard and getting my life together. The last thing I'll probably really spend money on and do for myself this year is Kami con at the end of this month. My family has helped get me different parts of my lapis lazuli (gem from Steven universe) cosplay for me as Christmas gifts and it is tradition that if at all possible I will do everything I can to attend each year and I have for the past 5 years and this year I will have my first legitimate good cosplay and I'm excited. But after that every bit of my money is to school tuition, helping my mom with the phone bill and our car insurance and groceries when she needs it and saving the rest for moving out and starting my future. When I move to Seattle and hopefully become successful enough? at cosmetology that I open my own salon that I'm hoping my unique edgy choice in hairstyles with be accepted and eventually apprentice as a tattoo artist and open a piercing/tattoo/body shop open up like with my salon that like a super weird dream of mine I had for awhile and honestly I'm probably not going to be good enough but I'm going work my ass off and be sober and focus on my future so I can reach my fullest potential I have been put through too much and made it way too far to not try and live my life to the best of my ability and do everything I can to really be happy and stable and eventually fall in love and maybe have a kid and honestly I truly believe I'm going to marry this boy that I've been on and off with since freshman year of highschool. We both lost out Virginity to each other after dating for the first like 6 months and that was the first time we dated which was almost 11 months after we broke up and went a little crazy and just kinda started dating random people not really for love just because I was so scared of being alone and I hated idea of it. So I just fucked around alot and never really had anything as serious as my dude (I don't wanna say his name but if u know me and ur reading this u probably already know who I'm talking anyways. We were distant and not even on speaking terms for maybe two years. After i grew up a bit and started actually making goals and becoming a young adult I contacted him and asked if he wanted to meet up and catch up on our lives and try to give being friends a shot. Its been maybe a little over a year since I had reached out and started talking to him again. We've tried dating again and we have been on an off since then and we both are young adults trying to figure out our lives and we are both struggling alot as far mental health because of the stress of having to grow up kinda and it just kept fucking up out relationship and my emotions were so all over the place and I was really struggling with trying to figure out what I need in life and how to be happy without have to rely on a relationship or drugs or material things. I had to learn how to enjoy the actual important things in my life like all the beautiful amazing people I've had the pleasure of knowing in this life and how to cut toxic people and thinks and places out of my life if it's affecting my mental health and over learned that it's ok to be sensitive and to want to take care of yourself and have a good mental health. I've learned how to just live in the moment and to surround myself with positive vibes and only be around good honest genuine people that actually care about me and want me to succeed. I want the people in my life now to be people that I know forever and people that are going to be there for me in future. Anyways Over those two years me and the boy didn't talk i never got over him matter how hard a tried and thought I was and that i could potentially be falling love with some one. I just cant. I am in love with him and always will be no matter what. If i still feel so happy and deeply in love with him after.he broke my heart and didn't talk to be for 2 years I know this man is meant to be apart my life forever weather it is as my lover or as one of my closest friends. We are soul mates and I know that I will absolutely love him completely and unconditonally for the rest of my life. Those two years when I wasn't with him kept failing my classes in high school freshman and sophomore and was extremely suicidal and didn't give and fuck about school and even went to the mental hospital for awhile towards the end of my sophomore year and at that point i literally thought I was so stupid and worthless and not even worth the effort of living and being such and disappointment to my family and my friends because I could pass one class in high school and I had given up. Until my counselor transferred me to a kind of alternative school that I could do everything at my own pace and only do the essentials and stuff I absolutely need to learn instead of busy work and stupid shit like public school. This place had no semesters or exams or grades. It has 4 different very well educated and super cool and awesome genuine teachers that actually care about helping you get the best education and they really do care about their students and they are so passionate about helping these kids actually learn and have an opportunity to have a future. Theres one teacher for each subject and 5 councilors that the 70-80 kids are divided between them and it was such an amazing really healing place and i met some really amazing people that year and learned alot about myself and started doing art therapy and I got my work done and realized I wasnt actually stupid like I had been so sure I was but I'm actually very intelligent I just have manic depression and severe social anxiety and I just needed to start working on myself and start making the effort to keep myself happy and actually work on my life and be the person I want to be. After that year during summer I made the decision not to go back to public school for what would have been my senior year so as soon as I was 17 I dropped out of high school and got my GED and I started cosmetology school at 17 years old before my graduating class even finished there senior year. My GED teacher was also a councilor and i became very close to her and she's honestly helped me make a future for myself and she supported me and saw how smart I was and she would help me no matter what and still to this day if in need to talk or need help with something i can call her and she will 100% help me because she is such a good and selfless and kind woman that genuinely cares about me and my future. It's rare that you meet teachers that actually help their kids . I honestly made the decision to do whats best for me and my mental health and i got my career and life started as early as I could because I'm determined to live my life to the best before I'm too old or die super young I'm some crazy way because honestly life is so short and way too short not to do everything u can to just really be the best you can be and enjoy life and do what makes u fuckin happy. So starting this year I am being sober so I can graduate school and work and save money and start my life as a young independent adult. My teenage years have been so wild and I've been through so much but it's I wouldn't trade these last few years. I've met so many kind beautiful amazing souls and I've learned so much about life and other people and relationships and I've learned about happiness within myself and I've learned alot about who I am and what it really want in life. I've learned alot about my mental illnesses and how to cope with them the best way possible for myself. I've had some of the best and most amazing adventures and i made so many amazing memories so despite the bullshit I've been through in my teenage years and all the stress of becoming a young adult in this super fucked up world we live in today I know that I have made it this far and I become stronger and better everyday and I'm thriving and finally getting where I want to be. I'm becoming more content with who I am and I'm learning to love myself and be who I am and I'm so happy with the person I becoming and I know I'm going to continue growing and thriving and becoming a beautiful and amazing person living the best life I can. This started out as a new years resolution post but im on alot of stuff right now and I felt like I needed to just write about stuff. Anyways. Happy new years yall here's to a fresh start and then beginning of my life as I figure out how to be my own person. 2018 is going to be so fucking good

[embroideried]

MARJORIE!!!! please do all of the questions for the end of the year ask thing, thank u and i love u

............u got it only bc i love & miss u

First things first, did you have a good year?hmmm i guess so yeah! overall it was good. weird and hard but still good.How old did you turn this year?18!Did your appearance change in anyway?i....am a lot lazier with my appearance. ive gone out with no makeup and unwashed hair more times than i ever have in my entire life and i hardly dress up anymore. i hope to get back to....looking nice next year. i gained some weight but i have a feeling it wont stay on me very long. i have long hair now also? and ive had a few different colors of hair and got a tiny hashtag bodymodPost your favorite selfie.

honestly? its this stupid ass snap i sent to ellis one day

Which fashion trends did you love?fishnets under ripped jeans....i did that. but thats only cute in certain ways. i never wore socks over leggings much bc i dont have many cute long socks but honestly? it can be cute. also the embroidery trend overall of course but surprisingly enough i dont have anything thats like....Embroidered. yk. like with florals. i only have one embroidered cap but its just got the vans logo on it so who care. i’m also enjoying the comeback of fun dyeing methods like tie dyes and acid washes but again....only ok sometimesWhich fashion trends did you hate?vintage band tees cut down the front halfway in a v and laced up with big chunky things for the eyes of the laces and just. fat strings. uglyWhat song sums up this year for you?no offense but caught in the middle by paramoreWhat album came out and has been on heavy rotation since then?AFTER LAUGHTER BY PARAMORE! best album of the year. melodrama by lorde hasn’t got many plays apparently from me buuuut still a fave. im gonna see her in march!Did an actor/actress catch your attention for the first time this year?dont lump me with those weirdos but the kids from it are so good! i love finn and jack especially. i also got to see jaden smith truly for the first time in the get down and now i know i’ll look out for him again in the future.Favorite new TV show?pretty sure i watched black mirror for the first time this year so BLACK MIRROR BINCHWhat food did you try for the first time?i truly cant think of something Genuinely new that i tried....i found that i enjoy wine? and sangria. i don’t DRINK but i’ve had a bit of that. i started eating fried eggs with runny yolk often! i like that a lot now...especially when i also have like the shoestring-style hashbrowns to eat it with. goodDid you make any big permanent changes this year?i got a tattøø and also officially soiled my name with explicit gay rpf smutWhat was one nice thing you did for yourself?i treated the fuck out of myself this year until i had no moneyDid you develop a new obsession?i took up embroidery but i dont think thats like....an obsession. i’ve definitely gotten much much much more into film and writing this year oh shit yeah thats itDid you move?fucking yeah i went to college and moved there but also my mom and my dad both got a new place so i live nowhereDid you get a job?nope! just kept the same one from last yearDo you regret not doing anything?oh fuck yeah bitch im not talking about the meet and greet againDo you regret doing something?again yes all my big regrets revolve around the gotdam ARTOPIADid anyone/thing make you so mad it stayed with you for days?yes ma’am but thats my personalityDid you lose anyone close to you?i don’t believe so. anyone i truly lost i wasn’t close with in the first place.Did you fall out of love?yes ma’am also i change my answer on the question about falling in love because i forgot that happened in like january and not last yearDid you start a new relationship?nothing romantic but i made so many beautiful amazing friendships? all this year! this really was a great year for me on an overlookDid you have to cut ties to someone?nah ive stopped being friends with people just from falling out of touch but i havent excommunicated anyone. i deleted the like....3 melanie martinez songs i had but that wasnt a tragedy in the slightestWho was important to you this year but wasn’t important last year?all of my mcbeautiful friends whom i will call out right here that i am genuinely surprised that i only met this year? You.....Miss Avia, asya, christiana, hannah, ellis, edy and like everyone else. if you’re actually reading this, probably you too. and my perfect roommate and other friends i made this year that im a dick for not mentioning and the girls i am moving into a suite with next year. also im very into jake gyllenhaal this year i’ve always loved him but its gotten Bigger and Better in 2017If you could have a do over on one thing you did, would you take it?Yes Bitch I Would Have Gone To Fucking Artopia On Time And Met Josh And TylerWhat was the best moment of the year for you?there were....so many good things. here’s some of my favorites: - meeting all of my treasured friends here i am still in hashtag shock that its only been that long- twenty one pilots winnin their grammy- meeting my roommate- hand embroidering hoops for two of my beloved teachers and making them cry- singing “we go together” with all of my friends on stage as we all finished our last show of high school together- giving one of my best friends a joke award at our drama banquet and calling him chicken little because hes like hardly over 100 pounds and like really tall and him running up to me and hugging me so hard he actually picked me up with his chicken ass arms and im small but im not. light- graduating high school- seeing twenty one pilots TWO TIMES!- sobbing louder than i ever have during march to the sea at tour de columbus simply because i was unsure of what it was but then i recognized it and started absolutely BAWLING because i was so excited that i knew all of the songs this time- having a CAMEO IN CHRISTIANAS COWBOY FIC- receiving my packages from you and christiana- this list is so long and you know what i’m gonna do? im gonna stop and im gonna write out lists of all of my fave moments with all of my friends with whomst i owe 55 fucking letters. i love y’allDid anything happen that you were sure would change you as a person but it really did?this and the vice versa of this question are strange to me because i truly dont know this is the year of #personal #growthWhat have you learned about yourself this year that you didn’t know in the years prior?i love hummusDid your opinion of anyone change for the better?i love jake gyllenhaal more than ever beforeIf you make resolutions, did you complete them this year?i dont make them!What do you wish for others for the coming year?luv and happiness and moneyWhat do you wish for yourself?luv and happiness and money

[olpirtmoved]

1-65 fucker

MOTHERFUCKER Original post here: http://fueledbyjyler.tumblr.com/post/78153547750/65-questions-you-arent-used-to 1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?Sometimes, but not often. 2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?Most of the time it's about a 1 or 2, but sometimes it turns into 4. Not even because of anything sometimes I just get freaked out for no reason. 3. The person you would never want to meet? I don't really have anybody in mind ?? 4. What is your favorite word? Don't have one. 5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?A willow tree - for obvious reasons. 6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?Better than yesterday, I guess. 7. What shirt are you wearing?A pink t-shirt with a koala on it that says "I'M GIVING OUT SLAPS AND CUPCAKES & I'M ALL OUT OF CUPCAKES". 8. What do you label yourself as? An asshole. 9. Bright room or dark room?If you're talking about my own bedroom, it's usually bright, actually, since it has gold curtains and tends to light up really nicely. If you're talking about general preference then it really depends on the room and which aesthetic would suit it better. 10. What were you doing at midnight last night?I think I was sleeping. 11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?Fourteen. 12. Who told you they loved you last?My best friiiiend. 13. Your worst enemy?Responsibility. 14. What is your current desktop picture?It's a spacey desktop. Nice purples and blues mmmmm. 15. Do you like someone?Ya. 16. The last song you listened to?Forget by Pogo. 17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?Pence. 18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?Idk ?????? 19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?Eli, and I would have them love and appreciate themself / themselves (???). 20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)I like my eyes, but that's pretty much it. 21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?I THINK ABOUT THIS A LOT AND I AM NOOOT ANSWERING THIS QUESTION. 22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it? I don't - I brag about all of my talents none of them are secret. 23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of? I don't think there's actually anything unique I'm afraid of. I'm scared of some pretty standard shit. 24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal. A REALLY FAT SANDWICH. That's it, just a basic sandwich that's reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally fat. It isn't a good sandwich unless you have trouble eating it. 25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it? NEW DRESSES. 26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?To see my wonderful friend, Eli the magnificent, Eli the brilliant, Eli the fANTASTIC - 27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be? UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. I'm not gonna be brand specific but some kind of vodka I guess ?? I'm not a fan of alcohol in general but I like vodka so - 28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? SHIT MAN I DONT KNOW I WASNT BUILT TO RULE. 29. What is your favorite expletive?FUUUUUUUUUUCK. 30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno? My phone probably, but since that's always on me anyway and would've been safe already, my laptop. 31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?My grandmother. Just - her in general. 32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?34. What was your last dream about?I can't remember most of my dreams, and this is no exception. 35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?Person. No. 36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?Yeah, when I was a baby my grandmother fed me spoonfuls of nutella. That's how everyone found out I was allergic to nuts. 37. Have you ever built a snowman?Yeah, but not in a few years. 38. What is the color of your socks?Not wearing socks. My feet are very cold. 39. What type of music do you like?All kinds, but I like industrial & classic. 40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?Sunsets. 41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?Vanilla. I'm basic. 42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)I don't like sports ummmmmm.43. Do you have any scars?Countless, but not from serious stuff. They're all really stupid, and usually start as something minor before I pick at them so much that they just sort of become permanent. 44. What do you want to be when you graduate?I graduated high school this year (2017), and haven't started college yet. 45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?I would give myself more motivation. 46. Are you reliable?Depends on who's asking. Generally no, though. 47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?Why aren't you dead yet. 48. Do you hold grudges?Yes. 49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?Bitch I'm not breeding anything let the animals do what they do. 50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had? I once had an in depth conversation with my friends about whether or not it would be considered incest if you were to fuck a clone of yourself. If I'm being honest I've probably had weirder but that's the one I can remember best. 51. Are you a good liar?Yes. 52. How long could you go without talking?A looooooong time. 53. What has been you worst haircut/style? When I was in elementary school and had long hair. It wasn't necessarily a bad STYLE, but I neglected it so much that it would regularly tangle and form dreadlocks that my parents would have to force out each morning before school. I cried a lot. 54. Have you ever baked your own cake?Nope. 55. Can you do any accents other than your own?Yeah, but not many and not very well. 56. What do you like on your toast?Just butter, but a good amount of it. 57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?I can't remember, I don't draw often. 58. What would be you dream car?I've never really thought about it. 59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.I sing in the shower sometimes, but not as often these days. 60. Do you believe in aliens?Yes.61. Do you often read your horoscope?Noooope. 62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?Why the fuck would I have a favorite letter of the alphabet. 63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?Dragons 100%. 64. What do you think about babies?Eew. 65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.YOU DIDN'T ASK A QUESTION HERE HA I'M FREE.

[wickymicky]

i got tagged by @chuukitten like a month ago lmao oops

rules: answer 21 questions and tag 21 people (im too lazy lol im sorry i just like to talk about myself so thats what im gonna do HAHA)

im gonna put this under a read more cause it got long

1. nickname: my bf calls me cube

2. zodiac: i dont do zodiac shit lol sorry

3. height: i dont actually know, im bad with remembering things like that

4. hogwarts house: the “fuck jk rowling” house (okay fine im hufflepuff)

5. last thing i googled: farmersonly… dont worry about it

6. favorite musicians: i mean yall know my kpop ones haha… loona, dreamcatcher, fromis 9, pentagon, exid, red velvet, twice, eyedi, weki meki, etc……. outside of kpop oh man where do i begin… its tough cause ive basically only listened to kpop in 2019 but okay so i’d say the band idles, death grips, grimes, streetlight manifesto, huh idk i have a lot that i like but i dont know who else i would consider my “favorites” at the moment

7. song stuck in my head: right now its pirate king by ateez

8. following: 1800 lol

9. followers: on this blog 264, but 724 on my main

10. do you get asks: occasionally

11. amount of sleep: i should sleep way, way more than i do

12. what are you wearing: pajamas

13. dream job: hmmm. i mean i dont dream of working, i dont have a dream “job”, but if the question is about my dream “thing i wanna do a lot of in my life” then i guess my answer is… idk… something where i can just engage in whatever is interesting to me at the moment. like in the vein of my tumblr blogs where i can just post and talk about stuff im interested in. idk if that means being a youtuber or journalist or just someone who does something else and engages in my interests as a hobby, but yeah. or something to do with linguistics of course. though like i dont wanna be a teacher and thats basically the only path lmao (that i would even consider, anyway)

14. dream trip: you know i dont actually have a lot of interest in travel. idk, it stresses me out. i cant think about going places without worrying about how i’ll get around, what i’ll be doing, what i’ll be able to eat since i have a lot of food anxieties… idk. if someone i love wanted to go on a trip with me i’d probably be down, but i dont really know on my own.

15. instruments: i wish i could do music lol

16. languages: are amazing and i love them. okay fine lol i only speak english, but i took german in middle and high school, i took latin in high school as well, then took latin and ancient greek in college, and then after college i did a lot of looking into hungarian, vietnamese, a little bit of indonesian, turkish, and polish, and then recently i’ve been pretty focused on korean for obvious reasons. i speak none of those languages tho, lol. if i heard someone speaking some of those i could get the gist of what types of things theyre talking about most likely, but honestly my whole thing with languages is that im more interested in learning about the intricacies of how languages work and especially how they change over time than i am in actually learning the language. i’d love if my dumb adhd brain allowed me to focus hard enough and really commit to becoming fluent in a second language because so far i’ve only steadily approached being barely conversational, i’ve never actually reached even that point yet lol. and being only fluent in english makes me feel like a stupid american lol. i pick up bits of language really easily, but the rigor of learning ALL the vocab and ALL the little details you need to become actually fluent is where i fall off. 

like whenever i go through an anime phase, i pick up lots and lots of japanese. like if they keep using a word i’ll see it in the subtitles and figure that it must mean that, and then i’ll pay attention to the endings they use and how they inflect it and i’ll make little inferences about what those signify, so then when i hear a word that i dont recognize but it has a grammatical ending that i know, i can infer the meaning of the word from context, and im going through this same learning process with korean now and it’s super super fun and i’m loving how much progress ive made (though i could have been making progress like three times as fast if i was actually taking a korean class)… but the actual work of learning common phrases, learning the sheer volume of vocab, all that stuff… yeah that’s where i fall off. so idk how fluent i’ll get in korean, but i’m down to find out, lol. maybe this is the one i’ll really try to focus on and achieve it with!

17. 10 favorite songs as of now: of all time????? um okay i cant possibly do that without spending a looong time thinking about it, so i’ll just do the first ten songs that come to my mind when i think of songs that i adore more than most others

keep the streets empty for me by fever ray

colossus by idles

watch it crash by streetlight manifesto

lucky girl by fazerdaze

realiti (demo) by grimes

egoist by loona (olivia hye)

picky picky by weki meki

mother by idles

peekaboo by red velvet

hi high by loona

18. if you were an animal: red panda maybe haha

19. favorite food: pizza cause im a garbage trash person

20. random fact: idk... if yall couldnt tell and didnt already know this, i’m a linguist haha. i went to school for linguistics, i majored in linguistics and classics (latin, ancient greek, etc) though honestly i was only into the languages, roman and greek history is cool and all but not really what i’m most into. majoring in classics was a mistake lol but oh well. i didnt end up graduating though because of unrelated reasons.... adhd, depression, just a general sense that the way the whole system works just wasnt made for me and it didnt click with me and ive never been good at forcing myself to be good at school... and like i was tired of hearing from professors that i have “a very organized mind when it comes to linguistics stuff” (something a greek professor said that meant a lot to me) or that i “understand how language works better than most other students my age” and that im a natural and that its impressive how nuanced my understanding of these concepts is.... while also failing or almost failing all of the classes whose professors said that about me. like basically all those statements were followed by a “, but” or a “, so if you just-”.... sigh. so i guess i’m not “actually” a linguist. whatever “actually” means there. 

so other random fact i guess, which is still related but anyway... i have a conlang! that’s a constructed language. ive been working on a language for like 6 or 7 years. its at a state right now where it’s not really something i can just like... speak? it was at one point, maybe. but basically what i like to do is try out various ideas i have about language and phonology and morphology, so my language is kind of like a sandbox lol. if youre a scientist you conduct experiments, if youre a linguist i think you should try making a conlang. its not a common hobby but its something i spend an unconscionable amount of time thinking about lol. like basically 24/7. i’m almost always thinking about my word for x thing im seeing or thinking about, or like some sound change i heard that some language had, and how that would sound if applied to the words in my language... 

like the reason my language isnt at a point right now where i can speak it is because getting into korean has made me think about massively reconfiguring how the grammar works. its always been kinda like latin and german, cause those are what i was taking when i started, and then it got kinda like ancient greek, so the grammar has/had a lot of complicated conjugations that are just honestly so superfluous... its such a mess lol... i have a much better understanding of how those systems come about in language now, so even if i remake my language to have verb conjugations like latin or greek, it’d be a much more coherent and natural system than the one thats existed in my language for years... but after learning about hungarian and korean in particular, i really wanna try making it a lot more logical like those languages are. but my big thing is phonology (speech sounds), so i just get hung up on sound changes and cool new consonants and vowels to add, so i keep putting off actually fixing my language lol. also ive become attached to my awful, amateurish words haha. im so bad at this... a real conlanger like tolkien or the dude who made the languages for game of thrones would look at mine and scoff haha. most of my words are just straight up stolen from words in latin, german, many others, but predominantly... english. i just mangle english words and call it my own lol, and ive been trying to replace those words with original ones that i made up arbitrarily... like my word for nose is just “nass” and my word for dog is “handir” which is just based on english “hound” and german “Hund” and stuff lol. i wanna change those

21. my aesthetic: if you actually read this long ass post, you know that my aesthetic is just “too much information” but not in a sexy way or even an interesting way

[tijuana-blues]

I waited until i got to work to type this.

The end of this month crosses the 1 year mark. only one year ago my world was completely different, and on the Verge of Collapse. A little backstory is needed before i continue.

Yesterday was a normal Tuesday for me. Work didnt stress me, no problems arose. My parents texted me and my brother to eat steak for Dinner. The Food was delicious, and i was preparing to head home, hit a Nice Big Dab, play a round of Smite, and hit the sack, seeing as how i hadnt slept in over 24 hours, and the only thing fueling me was the Gram of Coke i bought on Monday lol.

So as i Get up to Put away my dishes and say goodbye, i get a FaceBook Message. Its my Cousin, Isaiah.

He says he got into an Argument with his dad and got kicked out. He needed somewhere to sleep for the night. 

Sure, I tell him. I cant just ignore him if he has nowhere to go. He meets me at my house 5 Minuets later with a backpack full of beer, a bottle of Vodka, and half a loaf of bread and sandwhich meats. My Cousin is crazy lmao, he has the Apache Blood in him more than me. Anyway, since hes staying, i ask if he can find some Wax, so i wouldnt be taking from my Brothers Stash. We meet up a half hour later and pick it up.

so were in my garage, passing the rig back and forth while i Showed him how Smite Worked. And then suddenly he pulls a rolled up baggie out his pocket.

A rolled white Baggie full of powder.

“well we can finish this off, then. since youre letting me Crash here.”

Im not one to ask for payment to crash at my place, but i wasnt gonna say no either lol.

he pours it out on the glass i had been using myself and began to chop it fine with the razor blade i used too.

i had taken a couple pretty good sized dabs in quick order, so i was pretty toasted when he handed me the glass and rolled up dollar. I only saw the 2 lines he had cut on it, so i just assumed he cut two for both of us and i was going first. So i just aim the dollar at the line on the right and Snort away, dragging the dollar quickly, then my Nostril Burst into Flame. I had made a mistake, he cut one line for Me from the PILE on the left.

The PILE i just Tornado’ed up my nose, and was now drinking water to keep my throat from going numb from the river of coke mucus running down it.  I hear my Cousin laughing next to me.

“youre a maniac, Cuz! you railed that whole Fat ass pIle!”

Well Fuck. so much for sleeping. Lighting Coursed through my Veins 5 minuets later, and i started drinking Beers to fight the Drip.

Now Isaiah told me that it was Good Shit, but i hardly take his word for it Nowadays. hes off mark most of the Time. Not this time, Though.

15 Minutes Later im Chainsmoking Cigarettes out front of my Driveway Drinking beer and my Jaw was shaking in my Head.

You know its  Good Shit when it makes someone who spent the last 24 hours doing Coke often, gives him the Jabber Jaw.

me and Isaiah just began to talk bullshit into the NIght. at Around Midnight he was talking about a girl he knew for awhile now liking him. And him liking her too but he didnt think a Relationship would be good at the Time.

Then Youre Face appeared in my Head. Like it always does. I havent Gone a day yet where i dont see you in my head.

I dont know what caused this, Perhaps it was the Coke in my System with the Beer. Or Maybe it made me finally push past my Insecurities.

i Began to talk about how i Felt the Same, how i couldnt really talk to other women or really want to because of the Luggage i was Still Carrying with My Ex, Maria.

And from there i began to talk and Talk and Talk. I couldnt Stop, the Words i had been saying in my head Every day this Past Year came out.  I sat in my Garage all night Long, Until 5:00 AM, Talking to Isaiah About Her.

I didnt hold back, and surprised myself as my eyes stayed dry and my Voice Stone Cold.

I told HIm about How every Woman i ever Dated All Cheated on Me and Left me without a Second Glance.  About How My First Girlfriend Megan roped me into a 3 year Lie and ruined my trust in people. I talked about how the girls i dated afterwards all did the same thing, and how i wished i was joking to him.

I told him about how i blamed myself for each failed relationship, and how id spend nights trying to figure out a way to fix myself. How i felt like i wasnt meant to be Happy with anyone and how i stuffed it all down deep and dealt with it only in my most private moments.

...And Then i told him about How I Met her in my Junior Year of High School. The Class was Anatomy, a class full of 24 teenagers with the worlds Laziest Teacher. It was the First Day, and I walked in to a semi empty classroom with kids walking around, picking out a seat for the rest of the semester. the desks all faced forward, in groups of twos in four rows across. I took a seat on the outside Left side around the Middle. I just dropped my Bag and sat in my Seat, waiting for the class to start, checking my phone every now and Again. 

And the seats began to fill up, the Desk next to me taken by a Tall Nerdy looking kid with blonde hair and Garth Glasses, A KId i Befriended. Daniel Butttruck. Thats not how you spell the last name but thats how it sounds lol. So i named him Butt Truck and thats his name to this day lol. 

The Chair in front of Daniel on the right was taken by a Friend of Daniels, A glasses clad Girl name Aly, And all you need to know about her is that she has a IQ just North of a Bedroom Slipper.

And lastly, A Girl In crutches slowly approached the chair in front of me, and slid into the Chair as the class started. She had a big black velcro Boot strapped to her Leg, and it stuck out into the walkway on our left a bit. She had Dark Hair that was cut into a really cute short style. At first i didnt really notice her until a few weeks into the semester where the Teacher flipped the front two desks around, making Pods of 4. So Now She Faced me and Aly faced Dan on the right. 

Thats When i noticed her.

She had Brown Eyes that shone slightly, like Fine Wood Tarnished to a Dark Brown Mixed with Lighter Browns. Her nose was a small little Button Nose between her prominent Cheekbones that raised when she smiled. She didnt Wear much Makeup, or at least looked like she didnt. I remember to this day about how i would see her smile and laugh a bit as we all got comfortable as a group, me cracking Jokes and being dumb some days, with Days. As time passed i began to Notice her more. I began picking her out in the hallways as i walked to class. Sometimes I would say Hi and see her reaction.She was like me in some ways, wasnt a morning person, and had the same sense of Humor. I remember the time Dan Told us about how he Broke his Leg at Blizzcon.

Yeah, if youre not 12 years old, Dan was the Kid who Broke his Leg in like 2006 at Blizzcon Dancing like a Zombie. He was on Tosh.O or was going to be? ill ask him next time i see him lol. Anyway, hes telling us this story and Maria and I are Freaking Out because we realized he is Internet Famous, and Laughed Like Crazy.

Soon enough, I went from saying hi when i saw her to stopping by her morning class to say hi and chat, since my morning class was down the hall from hers, then sometimes wed walk toward our next class. Mind You, i Was a Junior at 17-going on 18, and Maria was two years younger than me. I never tried to flirt with her, but i enojoyed talking to her. I remember clearly One Winter Morning as i walked in from the Bus Lanes to my Morning Government Class, I see her standing by her Morning classroom, i dont remember what it was. She had her phone and was tapping away on it. I quickened my Pace as i passed her, and called out, “Maria!” she popped her head up and looked at me, and i Flipped her off. She gave a look of Confusion and laughed, walking into her classroom as the bell rang. I remember giggling to myself as i sat down, then asking myself, “Why the fuck did i do that for?? Idiot!”

That was the beginning of my Senior Year, Graduated 2011. We didnt have much contact after i Graduated, while i did the little schooling i did do, and work at that God Awful Produce Factory that first year out of High School.It wasnt until about a year or so later, when i started my job at Wal-Mart and Moved in with Christian. i remember it being Spring When i Saw Her Again. I Was collecting carts to put back in the cart corral, when i heard a Girls Voice Call my Name out in the Parking Lot.

I look out towards Barros Pizza in the plaza and i saw her Again.

It was a Bright Sunny Day, Not too Hot yet in the Summer. Her Hair had grown a bit longer, but still had its shape. She wore a Bright Yellow SunDress with Sunflowers on it. I remember how Cute i thought it was on her. I remember this moment so clearly because it was in that moment i felt something inside my heart. Like a Spark running through it.

I smiled and walked out to meet her, she had two of her other friends with her, they had been eating at Barros. Maria Hugged me and Asked me how i had been, and i told her about how i started working there and i live on my own now, looking into colleges. We chatted for a few minutes before i had to go back to work. I asked for her number to text with and, she walked off. As i went back inside i remember the times in Anatomy with our little group, and how i used to enjoy chatting with her. it also made me Remember the day i flipped her off, Years ago. As i lay down in bed that night, I remember thinking of her and telling myself, “you know, i think she would be an awesome Girlfriend.”

Months Passed and i hadnt had much Contact with Maria. I had my own problems at the time and i remember that period of my life to be so unstable i didnt want to date a girl and Live there lol. But i would text her every now and then and wed talk for a bit. I remember her dating someone at the time, and living with them. One Night in Particular I noticed she was posting on Tumblr and it seemed like she was Upset. So i Texted her and asked if she was doing alright. She said she was fine, but shes too much like me, i say that just to get people to leave me alone. I text back that she can talk or vent to me, that i didnt mind. And she did. She began to talk about her Relationship with her BF and how they rarely see each other because of work schedules and School. She told me she was thinking of just packing her things and leaving while he was at work. I told her, “Do what you have to do. if you arent happy, why are you there?”

i texted about a week or so later. She left him. She Began talking about moving to Portland With a Friend, and Getting out of AZ. I remember being bummed out at the news, my feelings for her had began to grow. I decided to step away for awhile, let those feelings go away. It must have been around 3 or  4 months later, or longer? But anyway, i see her posting on Tumblr Again, and i send her a DM asking how shes been, and if she moved to Oregon. She replied back and said her Friend Flaked, and that she really didnt want to go anyway. She says to text her, and i Ask for her Number Again. 

From then on, we talked semi often every couple days, more and more often as time passes. Finally, one Day i ask her to hangout sometime, go to the arcade, play air hockey. We had been talking pretty often by then, but no obvious flirting or anything. We meet up at the arcade and we take turns playing different games, Giant Connect Four, Air Hockey, Ticket Games. She bought me a little T rex with her tickets, i named him Revan. Then we just sat on a couch and People watched those who walked in. I remember feeling her arm against mine as we sat together, and Me leaning in Quickly and kissing her cheek, and Seeing her Smile.

About 4 or 5 more little Dates Later, I ask her if she would be serious, because i wanted to be.

Her Face Brightened as i saw her give the biggest Smile i ever seen from her, and she said Yes.

I told Isaiah how as the first year passed, i had been drunk off the happiness i had at the time. As i learned more about Maria, the more attractive she was to me. She is unlike any woman ive ever met before, or have met since. I told him about how i talked about her to my friends all the time, how smart she was, how she volunteered at a Funeral Home Embalming Bodies and playing with Corpses like a Badass. 

Then came my 22nd Birthday, on the first year we were dating in 2014. I didnt even want a present from her, she was all i wanted any day. I dont know why i never told her things like that. She Baked me Fudge Brownies after work on the week of my birthday, and i was more than happy.

Then she pulled a box out of Nowhere, Smiled That Warm Smile i Had come to Adore, and Said “Happy Birthday Babe!”

Before that Moment, i Cant recall a time that i was genuinely Surprised like that. I remember the words stopping in my throat and jumbled with the ones i had tried to say Next. Genuine Excitement as i opened the Long Brown Box. I opened the top flap and pulled the Styrofoam Casing to the Rectangle stick inside, Bright White with a Black Line going Down along the Length of it. And inbetween the space in the Line at the Hilt, Was the Red and White Sigil of the Uchiha.  

A fucking Uchiha Sword! Like i was in actual Disbelief when i Realized. And what i explain next i never told anyone other than Isaiah that night.

I had to Try my Hardest to keep from Crying in that moment. Not because i loved the Gift she had gotten me, and how she made it a surprise, Something no one has done for me before. 

It was because i remember a couple weeks before,as we scrolled Netflix one evening, i Saw Naruto on the list. I geeked out and asked you if you ever watched it, and began geeking out about it to her. I Made her watch some of my favorite episodes, and she would playfully Tease me about it. As My birthday neared, i came home from work one day to watch some Naruto Myself, and Booted up Netflix.

Someone went about 4 episodes ahead of where we Left off Last. I was at Work, and it was her Netflix Account. She actually started watching it because of how much i told her i liked it. Then She picked out something SHE thought i would like, instead of asking what I wanted like My Lazy Ass does.

No one had ever shown interest in Me like that before, and it touched me right in that moment. I blocked all emotion and was all smiled as i Hugged her Maria and told her how much i loved it. That thing was glued to my hip for like 2 months straight, i would get high after work and watch old Samurai and Ninja Movies, and act out the sword fighting with it. I even slept with it for the first Week.

In the days after that, i saw Maria in a whole new Light. I always knew the Maria who had her walls up to Anyone, the “i really dont care,” attitude she had when she was grumpy in the mornings. I got a glimpse at the Maria That was Behind that wall, The Real Maria.

Who Was sweet, considerate, and Generous. Loving and who could make me laugh.

Ever since that i saw that small glimpse of Her, My heart swelled and pumped blood thrice as hard, and my hands would shake and my mouth would get dry.

I was Falling in Love with you.

Hours have Passed, its Around 2 AM. The Line of Coke has me at Full Speed still, having plenty to say still. Isaiah just sits and drinks, giving the odd acknowledgement every couple of Sentences.

The months after my Birthday have passed, and things seem great between Maria and I. If i only knew what i know now.....

If i had just Put more Faith in You, and in my Heart. It Kills me to know how things would be if i had just manned up and told you how you made me feel....

After the first year, the strain began. We both worked. I had the accounting Job with the Contracting Company, and Maria was Working at a local Kids clothing store, and Volunteered at the Funeral Home, Along with her classes, AND she tutored.

i understood she had a full plate alot of the the time, not to mention the headaches and pains she would have. And that time of the month the poor girl was in pain Constantly.  So i didnt get upset or mad when she didnt have time to visit or was too tired from work. we were always talking.

But eventually the Strain and My past would come to Signal the End. it was August, 2015. My brother had fallen Behind on his Mortage Payments on his house, and needed to make a payment ASAP or he would lose the House. Naturally i gave him all the spare cash i could to keep a roof over our heads.

Unfortunately, It left me Penniless during the Month of August, which Marias Birthday was in.  I Felt Like Complete Shit but i was in a corner. I apologized to her and promised to make it up to her. It wasnt a big deal to her, but i just hated that it made me look like i dont give a shit. 

I had an Ace an hole, Though. i Saved a link to a site that makes Custom Rings that Maria had posted in Tumblr that she really liked and wanted. I ordered it and did it early enough to get it before Christmas.  It was already Too Late.

Maria was beginning to grow distant, not replying as soon or as often before. the replies getting shorter and shorter, the tone colder and colder. As we approached My birthday again, I plan a Group event with my friends and family, cause last year we went Paintballing and Maria wasnt there, she had work and class.

So im thinking of what i could do for a group, and i see that Charlie Murphy is doing a show ON my Birthday, a Friday! It was Perfect. I called and Reserved seats for everyone, ordered Bottle Service, i was so excited!

I texted Maria Telling her About the Comedy show and Date of My Birthday. She says she cant make it cause of work, she gets off at around 12. I was Bummed, but I understood. 

The Big Day comes and it starts off great. Work was a Breeze, and Maria greeted me with a Warm Happy Birthday first. As the day progressed Everything seemed Normal. As evening sets, we all get ready to go to the show. 8 o clock, Showtime!

it was a Fantastic Show, me and all my Friends and Family drinking and Laughing our Asses off. The only thing missing was Maria. I texted her before the show saying id text her after it was over. it woulda been near to midnight, and she coulda met up with us. The show ends around 1040, and the manager says we can finish off the bottles in the bar. Me and my Friends stay, and start getting Tanked. 

Midnight Comes, and i text Maria asking if she was off yet and if she wanted to come meet us. Time passes, and no reply.

she probably went home and crashed, she was probably tired, I think, as it wasnt Abnormal for her to Nap during the Day or whenever she could. So i check Facebook, and it Hits me.

A friend Tagged her and some friends at Westgate, not Long ago.

My heart Goes into FreeFall in My stomach.

Why would she be at Westgate After work? did she Ignore my Text...? why...?

My insecurites flared, and i assumed the worst. I remember everything going Quiet around me, My heart Hammering in my chest, blocking out all other noise.

i Shouldve just called. i Shouldve had more Faith in you, and what i Meant to you.

When every girl you date cheats on you and leaves, in a Row, it was hard not to assume the worst, when the worst is what always happens to you.

I remember the tears welling up in my eyes as i get up to go outside the bar. She went to go out with her friends, and she knew it was my Birthday Today....

It didnt make any sense to me, it all seemed so unbeliveable. But ive been wrong before. And add the excessive Alcohol, you get a Recipe for a Terrible Mistake. 

I wasnt Dumb, I knew Maria and I were Drifting apart, Our schedules getting more and more hectic. My job stressing me the fuck out day after day, Marias Packed Schedule.

I was so fucking stupid. Why did i wait? Why didnt i just drop to my knees and tell her when i look at her eyes, i feel like i could do anything. That when she was in my arms i Felt like i needed to become a Better man for her. Why did i wait?

December. Jerkoff Hipster making her ring is falling behind, gonna need a couple more weeks. delivery date mid Janurary. I Threw A fucking Fit. i could feel it all slipping away, no matter what I did. Why did i Wait?

I was so Terrified of Opening up to you, and you not feeling the same way. The Thought of looking into your eyes and telling you that i was in love with you, and i wanted to be with you forever, or until i died. I was Terrified of looking into your eyes and Shooting me down. The texts got shorter and shorter. only strengthening My doubts and Fears. 

Christmas. The Ring wasnt Ready yet. Another Fucking Embarassment. She got me a Captain Phasma Painting and some Marvel Shirts. I tell you, “look, i ordered this is time to get it for Christmas, but the Guy Got Delayed and it wasnt ready yet, but... i showed you the Ring on my Phone. 

It was the last smile i Saw on you in Person.

So many oppurtunities, wasted. so fucking Stupid. I promise to make it up to you.

Down to One Word Answers, or no Reply at all.

Janurary 2016. Hiroshima.

Valentines Day is Coming, Ill have the Ring Then! and i ordered a Cute little Stuffed Corgi to go with Some Flowers and a nice Romantic Date! i order everything and wait. 

You came over one week, and seemed in such a foul mood, i couldnt place it. I thought you were in Pain Probably. I tried to cuddle you, kiss your cheek, you clearly dont want the affection. I try something alittle more...Adult. 

You Grabbed my Wrist, and Yanked my Hand away, throwing it off you. I was in Shock. I still remember the look you Gave me that night, Clear as day. That Piercing Glare, Looking Right at me. Pure Anger. and Pain.

Youre replies, in thier Rarity, lacked no padding for thier sharp edges. I believe its all Over Now.

Late January 2016.

You came over one Last time. We had Sex one last time. I remember grabbing you after the first go around as you got up and laid you back down. I was such a Fool.

The Ring was Delivered that Weekend. Monday i text you to see when your free to visit next, your ring is ready and i wanted to see if it fit correctly. You reply your busy tomorrow. i ask with what? you reply with: Concert. i ask What concert. You say: Tribal Seeds.

You stopped Replying After That. The Next Day i texted you again asking when can you come hangout and see your Ring? 

You Broke up with me after that. 

It felt like everything around me had fallen below me, and all that was left was the dark and Silence. Typing about it now makes the Hole in my heart Ache. I remember how hard the Rain Poured that Night.....As i Cried along with it.

And it was only the Beginning for me.

The first weeks after that day are a blur to me. Either Too Many Drugs Or too Many Drinks, take your pic. i was Broken. One moment you were there, you were mine, and i was gonna fix everything come Valentines Day. I had a Nice Romantic Dinner planned, then a Scenic Walk where i would show you the ring and tell you that even though were having a Rough Patch right now, that i loved you and i wanted to do everything i can to prove it to you.

But you Had other plans didnt you?

God i can still feel my heart when I saw pictures of you and Him....I dont know how to Describe how Painful it was to see. It was only Feb, and you were already with someone else? Posting Valentines Shit? I cried for hours, I begged for you not to be like the others, To just leave me for Someone Else so Fucking Fast, like i was Nothing to you.

But thats how it went down, though. Didnt it?

Friends for over 5-6 Years, Lovers for 2.

I couldnt even get a goodbye.....Just a Text. Was that all i was worth, to you?

You got with him within Weeks of Dumping me. Yet your Tumblr youre heartbroken and sad. It was like i had Entered into some NIghtmare.

within the First Two Weeks, I dropped four Hits of Acid at Once. I wanted to Escape. Instead i jumped right into it. I see you posting on Tumblr. Sad, Depressing things. Your Tags show how you deleted the texts from your phone, even though you didnt want to. How you could literally see in your texts of your declining Affection for me. In the end, It was my own doing.

With the Courage of Acid, I messaged you. I ask if your okay, and you ask why, like i dont see your posts, like i dont possibly know why you could be feeling so sad. Even then, at the end, you couldnt be honest with me.

I ask you Maria cant we please Talk?

You say About what? Like you thought i was stupid.

And thats when i just finally, for the first time, although Far too Late. I opened up to you.

I remember Anatomy.

I Remember You At Barros that Day

I Remember Air Hockey at the Arcade.

I remember The Birthday Gift.

The Words poured out then like they do now, The Spark you set in my Heart was the most important thing to me.

Whatever i needed to do to make it work, no matter what, just please dont give up on me.....

You may as well as shot me dead with your reply.

“if you had said that before, things would be Completely different.”

“saying it Now doesnt Mean Much to me now”

Those words still Haunt Me, A Year Later. And it is not even the worst to come.

You Had the verdict long before i even knew. You Found my “dating Profile” Online, and didnt say anything. just let it stew inside you. As we grew apart it hurt to see you just blatantly ignore my messages. So i used that profile to look at women, nothing else. It was only on My Birthday i Night i Made a Mistake i Will Regret forever. Maria wasnt there, she was with her friends. she didnt want to come here, or answer my texts. she chose to be with my friends. I was always the girls’ Second Choice. I got Drunk. I got Upset. I wanted Petty Revenge. I cheated. I Dont even Remember her Name or what she really looked like. Never should have done it.

A month Passes. March. I ask to still be friends, and how i missed you. We start talking again, almost like how it used to be. Tagging each other in posts again.But i also See him. Concerts, posts, tags. It tore me apart. Some Days i would wake up at 4 AM from my alarm for work, and Your Face would be the first thing i see in my head. The Tears would flow before i could even open my eyes for the first time. I try to get you to meet up with me, so we can talk. After i opened up that night you agreed we should talk. Then you just changed your mind....You Said give it time, walk the path, smell the Roses, and maybe we can start again...

My heart is Pumping like a cannon as i go into detail for Isaiah, how i became a madman, was so motivated by the mere notion that MAYBE there was a CHANCE we could work it out later. I couldnt be stopped. I drank Nothing but Water, ate only Chicken, Raw Veggies, Salmon and Fish, and cut out ALL sugar and breads. I dropped 30 pounds in a Month, and was in great shape for a fight at the gym i trained at. I would watch these Inspirational videos everymorning at 3 AM, just to run for an hour. I posted everything on Snapchat, Only Because i Wanted Maria to see it. I was so Optimistic...

April 2016.

Family Vaction in Mexico. A week with a private beachfront Villa and as much Booze as i can drink. i go in with Gusto. The Villa Has Wifi, can keep up with your posts.tagged me in some. Then the posts about him.

I hated how it made me feel to read them. He had what i wanted for us. Our own Place. Just Us. and a Dog.

He took My Place and it Ate me Alive from the Inside.

I stayed up all night, drinking tequila by the shot, playing Toro Y moi and Chain smoking. I watched the reflection of the moon dance on the waves, and thought of you. When i hear the Ocean, and nights when the Moon is Large and Beautiful, i think of you. 

I Broke that night......

I knew there was no Path, no flowers to smell.

There was no Second Chance.

I Lost her.

And i couldnt get her back. She didnt want me anymore.

she wants someone else now, and when i Think about it I have to imagine Flames burning the thoughts away.

I guess after that night, i lost my motivation, i Wised up.

And i knew i had to come clean to you. It was the hardest thing i ever did.

It hurts so much still, looking back. Im So sorry...

Even after i hurt you that day, i still saw a sliver of you come through your walls.

I begged for you in time to forgive me, and over time we could be friends again. Let me earn back your trust, understand i made a Terrible Mistake and im willing to do anything to make it work.

Most people would have told me to go to hell and never talk to them again.

But not you. Not even then.

You Said, “ Maybe in time i will forgive you. maybe i wont. Depends on how i feel. for now you should make yourself scarce.”

I was stunned,,,those words hung on me for months after.  Did you really mean that, Maria?

And that was the last time i heard from you for awhile...i remember Breaking down at work....The Silence hurt the most. No Texts, No Posts, Nothing.

Not only did i lose the woman i Love, I lost a dear Friend as well...

When i Returned home, i Quit Training, I quit the fight, I quit Dieting. That deep, Dark Hole you brought me out of, Maria.....when i saw you that day....I went Right Back in.

since May 2016 i was in a hole that i could not get out of. sure, i made it look like i was living the life on snapchat, but in reality, on the inside, i was so broken.  Then Life Decided to kick me while i was down, and Took my Bonnie away from me. As if it couldnt get worse. My Brother and I Bawled as they put her to sleep. I was so fucking Lost.....

So i texted the one person who maybe might put up with my Bullshit....You.

and you were nice, you coulda kicked me when i was down and wouldve been justified. But you heard me out....More of that Real you shining through.

It is 4 AM now. i have spent all night telling this story to Isaiah, who has listened intently this whole time.

I tell him how after the months of Bonnies Death, I just didnt leave the house. Tried my Best to leave you be and not see shit that would kill me on the inside. The days became Quiet and Lonely. your presence in Tumblr becomes less and less active. 

I hardly see you or your posts anymore...

i harden my heart and try move on.

Then i see your posts about your health. the doctor scare, Lupus.

I felt so bad, and worried i wanted to see if you were okay, even though i knew you hate my guts.But i worried and Worried and finally said fuck it and just sent a message saying i heard what youre going through, im sorry, i hope you get better soon, if you need anything, please ask

I wasnt expecting a Response, Yet you sent one : Thanks for Caring.

couldnt expect more than that, so i leave it be.

That Night, Maria makes a post.

Its About me. 

My heart jumped into my throat and got stuck. My hands shook as i held my phone.

I didnt completely erase you out of my life.

i still think about you, from time to time.

Thank you for texting me today.

thank you for still caring about me.

Despite the shit i post on here, I still Care about you too.

And No its not the drugs Talking.

I read and Re-Read that post thousands of times in the following months. On Bad Days, Days where i wanted to give up. I read that post and it kept me going. First time reading it i Cried for hours. It was as if God heard a prayer.

To see you say that you still cared.....you will never know what that did. how that felt for me. Even Now it makes me tear up.

My heart didnt hurt as much after that, it healed some of it. I was always confused with Maria. One moment she says she cares, then comes off as your nothing to her. i never knew which was which.

and now, as the year came to face my Birthday again. There was only one thing i wanted. truly wanted. and if i got it, getting nothing else from anybody wouldnt even fucking matter.

I just wanted you to say Happy Birthday.

I didnt think you would. i thought you would have moved on by now, enjoying youre new life with him. I couldnt bleed about it any longer. i took the pieces of my heart and piece it back together again. i began to accept reality. and the pain began to dull.

NOV. 20th 2016

Saturday.

Woke up Early and went out to the woods to do some shooting. all day there. Head back for some Missouri BBQ, and get ready to get Blackout drunk Tonight. Night Goes well, Got trashed, had fun, Fought a couple dudes, enjoyed myself.

Got back to Devins Late that night. Eat Chocolate BDAY cake drunk.

Head off for bed. I sit on the edge of the bed and look at the time. 9:40 PM

She isnt gonna say it. Oh well. 

go to your blog to lookup your post to make me feel better.

Read the words, smile and Remember. Pain Begins to set in. 

back out of tags to leave, see another tag you never seen before.

“C and I”

click tag link.

Heart Explodes in my Chest, Breath Frozen in throat.

Its a picture. of us. Smiling. 

the Caption Read:” I know i have trouble expressing my emotions and feelings and stuff but this guy right here means the world to me. Hes sweet, caring and Funny and---”

I couldnt read the Rest. I began to Cry Non Stop, Like someone Just Told Me my mother was Murdered.

I couldnt stop it, couldnt control myself. The pain was so much. Each one more painful to look at. How did i never see them? How??

I couldnt do it anymore. I couldnt keep taking the pain of it. I deserved to be Happy too..

its been two months since that day.

its been over a year since i last seen you with my own eyes, heard your voice....

And now we reach the end of this story. i force myself to block out the memories, remember nothing.

I have to move on with my life....

and yet....after saying all that Isaiah, which After i had finished,  8 hours had passed. 8 hours i poured out my soul. such a weight had been lifted, it felt so good for someone to hear me out...

so i finish this sad story, and Isaiah asks me one question: How do you feel about her now?

I stayed quiet for a good amount of time. i mulled it over. every memory. Good. the Bad. The Ugly.  and i finally settled upon:

I miss her, Isaiah. Not like a lover misses his spouse, but like a friend who helped another Grow.

I hope to see you again one day, Maria.

[myuglybeautifulcomediclife-blog]

5

Alright well I got woke up today by fucking spider I wasnt no nice looking spider either if those even exist this was a fucking quarter sized spider that tried to eat me. It is currently on its back covered in febreze. yes I killed it with air freshener. When I tell you I love living out in the woods it really is the truth but that is the one thing I can not stand about where we live is there are all kinds of freaking spiders everywhere and I'm freakin terrified of them.

Sam I am currently very very overweight i started about a month ago on a weight loss program to help me lose weight because it seemed like everything I was doing I wasn't losing any weight I've always been obese but when I stepped on the scale and I weighted 299.8 lbs, that was an issue. My mom's been on this weight loss program for almost a year and she's had so much luck with it that I thought it would be at least a good idea for me to try it. well It is February 5th I have been on this weight loss program since January 1st I have gone from 299 pounds to 275 pounds, to most people that doesn't seem like a big deal but I am currently at the weight that I was when i graduated high school 4 years ago. That is a big deal to me. Now I'm not planning to stop losing weight. I eventually want to get down to a 175 to 150 pounds that is a huge weight loss, but I officially believe that I can do it.

Please don't ever let anybody tell you think you can't do something to please don't rely on somebody else for inspiration because in the end the only person that you can Depend on to lose that weight or to become who you really want to be. I know that you think that you can rely on your parents, your siblings, your best friend or even in the love of your life but in the end you're the one who's gonna have to do that you're going to have to be strong enough to do it and nobody's gonna be able to convince you to be strong enough to do it and stick with it, but yourself. Once you set your. Mind to it! Anything is possible, just keep taking those baby steps! And when You do accomplish it and somebody says I'm proud of you, your heart will fill with joy, not only because somebody else is proud of you but because you know you did it by yourself and your not the only one proud of you yourself.

[maritabaptiste2-blog]

atk scary hairy - A Review Of Hot Hairy Vagina Pics

I didnt go on my first legitimate date until I was 19 and in college, and the sum total of sexual experiences I had during this blissful undergraduate years wouldnt even require the remaining fingers of a grizzled old high school Wood Shop teacher to count, so while I wasnt completely inexprienced, Id hardly say I had a particular set of skills, acquired over a long career. Somewhere between general study at one university and applying for much higher education sexy furry pussy at another, there was a seismic shift in my ability to interact with women I find attractive and, more importantly, their overall interest in me. Im wired a bit differently than a lot of guys I meet - flat tummies and thigh gaps do fuck-all for me. As a result, I now refer to my graduate school career as the Era of Man Slut, because sweet bouncing bits, I had a lot of sex during that time. Stephanie was a bit on the thick side, meaning she had a little extra of all the things I particularly enjoy - tits, ass, thighs, and that bit of belly that drives me completely insane. So Stephanies body was on point, but what really pulled me in was her hair. If you enjoyed this article and you would like to get additional details concerning hairy cunt women kindly see the internet site. Good god, she had this huge mane of thick red curls. In my first year, I met a young woman well call Stephanie. I went from zero to erection in one single stare. This was during a time when big hair wasnt really in fashion, so at the time having her natural hair be so giant was a major and immediate turn on for how different it was. However, we were both attracted to each other, so it was inevitable that during one of our afternoon hang out sessions at her apartment that we would finally make out, which was enough for me but atk hairy login naked amateurs I didnt realize for a while was not enough for her. Im not going to bore everyone with the slow story of how we met, the multiple conversations we shared, the gradual flirting, and etc. Its not that I cant appreciate a woman who works hard on maintaining that figure, but I get so much more from a woman with a little more substance. Instead, she threw me for a loop when she said, "I need you to be aggressive. Stephanie told me early on that she didnt want a boyfriend, and that was fine with me, because as much as I enjoyed talking to her, she wasnt what I was looking for in a long term relationship either (we had some ideological differences that would have made a serious relationship fall apart eventually). I felt a bit like an idiot for not realizing shed wanted more, and tried to rectify my mistake immediately by grabbing her and holding her close to me as I began to kiss her neck, and suck her earlobe into my mouth to nibble it. " I had to pause at this because her words could mean a lot of different things and I needed to make sure we were all very clear, because I was definitely not going to be okay with anything involving hitting or choking or other simulations of physical abuse. She wanted me to use her to get off, basically. I breathily asked her what she wanted to do, assuming shed just shyly kick her pants off and pull me into her on her couch. This changed when I entered graduate school, though to be honest, I dont know what specifically changed, or how I can harnass it for amazing personal gain (because if I could do that, Id already be living in Atlantis and fucking my harem of mermaids - I like to dream big). It was perhaps Day 3 of making out and some general feeling up that she finally became frustrated and began to ask me if we were ever going to do anything else. Give your partner what she wants is a pretty solid philosophy thats served hairy cunt women me well and resulted in some pretty phenomenal sex. I pondered this for all of a nanosecond before I reached out to run my hand through her hair and pull her face into mine for an extremely hard kiss. I tightened my hand in her hair as I kissed her and pulled, which caused her to gasp into my mouth - a moment that still puts a smile on my face when I remember it - and I saw in her eyes the exact moment that she went from curiosity to full-blown lust. Fortunately for me, she sighed, shook her head and explained that she wanted me to "be selfish," to have her do what I want to do. I leaned in close to her ear and in a voice that wasnt quite a whisper but wasnt loud enough to be heard beyond that couch, I said to her, "I want you to get on your knees and show me what that slutty little mouth can do. My dirty talk game is generally on point but I recognize that it is not for everybody, and its a real crapshoot determining if your partner is going to be into it or completely offended by it. I have some personal history there that still renders me feeling a little sick if I think I might be hurting somebody. " That statement was a gamble, I realize in hindsight. At this early stage of my life I didnt quite realize that dropping a "slut bomb" even in the height of passion can have the potential to end sex really fucking quick (I learned this lesson the hard way later). Can I quickly say as an aside that I love watching a woman do the slow descent to her knees? I decided right then and there that if this is what she wanted, Id deliver something a bit rougher. She moved slowly, photos of hairy women pulling me out, but then seemed unsure of herself. " Not in a commanding way, or a laughing way, but in a voice that communicated that I had an expectation and couldnt see any reason why it would not be met. For her part, she was still a bit slow. In later hook-ups from her I came to realize that she did this on purpose to coax me to be rougher or meaner, but at the time I genuinely thought she was a bit shy and wasnt sure what do do now that I was legitimately delivering on her request. Luck was with me that day because she immediately bit her lip and stood up from the couch only to sink down to her knees between my legs. This wasnt some tender necking session at this point. As my hand was already in her hair, I once again tightened my grip, giving a very light pull close to her scalp. She held me in her hands and sort of looked back and forth from my cock to my face, as though she coudlnt really figure out what came next. I asked you to suck my cock. It was cute, but definitely not what Id asked for. That was all the evidence I needed that I was on the right track, so I decided to up the ante a bit by saying, "I didnt ask you to lick my cock, sweetie. She gasped again and I distinctly remember her legs came together, and as I held her hair she was squirming in place. " This demand, coupled with the hair pull (which I later found out was the way to get her from zero to soaking wet in a matter of seconds), caused her to drop all pretense of being coy. She crammed so much of my cock in her mouth it actually surprised me, because nobody in control of themselves or their words would have experienced that scene and uttered out, "Whoa! She dove onto my cock, for lack of a better word. I was still a bit high off of taking on a more dominant role, so I gently pulled her head forward and said, "Now suck my cock. She was very regularly gagging herself on me, to the extent where my concern began to rise and I had to fight back from saying, "Jesus, holy shit, maybe we should calm it down for a second; its not like the cock is going anywhere. Try to imagine James Bond saying that the next time a supermodel joins him in the shower, just really shocked and surprised but mostly happy to be there. " It felt like every other second I heard this glangh sound come from her mouth and throat. Rather than immediately taking me in her mouth, she began a series of slow licks up my cock punctuated by tiny kisses to the head. Im normally not into frantic, fast blowjobs full of noise and drool, but damn if this girl didnt try to convert me. I can honestly say no girl has ever blown me like that since and Im not sure Id want any of them to because it was so fast and intense that my cock reached a sort of heightened numbness that more or less gave me a zero chance of achieving orgasm. Now, its not necessarily important that I set much more of the scene, but just in the interest of full disclosure, Ill mention that she wasnt dressed for classic seduction. I could feel her spit just collecting at the base of my cock and dripping down my balls. She was wearing loose sweats and a t-shirt. " To be fair, the reaction was appropriate, because she proceeded to give me one of the sloppiest blowjobs Ive ever received. 007 emphatically crying out, "Whoa! And to be fully honest, that laid-back comfort look does more to turn me on than any sexily cut dress or lace covered night-time attire that can inevitably accumulate in a womans closet specifically for those times when she suspects shes going to get lucky. They werent the biggest, but they were more than big enough to work for me. And, when she quickly and quietly assumed her position at the end of her couch, I found a matching green thong as I pulled those loose sweatpants to the ground. Shed been prepared for the whole thing. Lazy home clothes that communicate disdain at the idea of another evening of light kissing and then solo frustration, but underneath? No, wear the old oversized t-shirt you got for free at some stupid event - the one that communicates "business hours are over. The "I might get lucky, who knows? The somewhat frumpy outerwear hid secret treasures underneath. " underwear collection. I was in love with it the moment I saw it, and Im not exaggerating this because I immediately kissed each one of those pale white cheeks and said, verbatim, "I am in love with this ass. The thong was a good choice. " I never claimed to be smooth. She was so wet that I actually saw a droplet run down her leg. Her t-shirt had come off at some point during her insane blowjob and for a good portion of her head game I was treated to this green lacy push-up bra that did an amazing job of putting her tits on display. " So I pulled her panties to the side and, with very little preamble, began to slide myself in. An amazing choice, because while she didnt have the biggest tits, she did have an enormous, fantastic ass. I had the remedy for this because, quite frankly, I felt like shed more than earned something for her as well, so with yet another tug on her hair, I pulled her off my cock and, breathing heavily, told her to bend over the arm of her couch. I was just outside of her, and then, suddenly, all the way in. Id intended to tease a little bit but this one singular action caused her to grip the couch and growl out, "Holy shit, just fuck me. Within seconds I had both hands gripping her hips so tight I swear my knuckles turned white as I began colliding with her repeatedly. From that point forward every time I fucked her was either doggy style or with her bent over some piece of furniture, because there was no way Id ever miss the sight of that ass jiggling and reverberating with each hard thrust I gave her. I licked it, and the trail it left, all the way up her leg and back to her pussy. There was no need to ease myself in. " She, on the other hand, picked up all of my slack about halfway through, turning her head to look behind her at me (thats a fucking power move, FYI, save that - face forward until you need your partner to go nuts and then do the look behind) and her face was just all angry lust as she spouted out a litany of amazing material that I cannot remember verbatim but I can paraphrase thusly: "You like that tight pussy? Yeah, you take that pussy. That pussy is yours, you take it whenever you want. The most I was able to utter out was an occasional "Fuck, that feels good," or "Love this fat ass. Her pussy clenched tightly on me several times, as Id later come to learn she orgasmed very easily, and my constant hard fucking drove her over the edge repeatedly. My capacity for dirty talk was completely out the window and all I could concentrate on at that point was just fucking her with every last fiber of my soul. She was tight, but so wet that I hit bottom without the slightest hint of resistance. This pussy was fucking made to milk that fat cock. I was not wearing a condom and even though she was on birth control, it was my first time having sex with her and for all I knew she could have been a harbinger of sexually transmitted diseases that modern science has yet to even discover. Quick PSA, sorry to interrupt the fapping - this was fucking stupid of me. On her end, she wasnt kidding about the milking part, because with each blast of cum I shot inside her, those inner walls were stroking me, tightening and releasing to try and get every last drop out. I completly collapsed on her back, kissing her neck and for a long while she just worked her inner muscles on me. She was nice enough to let me take a shower with her, but nothing particularly sexy happened and I eventually softened up again. I came hard inside her. " That whole built for comfort look just makes me want to extend business hours. Thats the power of a solid gold fuck. She did such a good job that I never went completely soft, and in no time at all I was fully hard again, but at that point shed decided she had enough and she booty bumped me backwards, sliding me out. I am massively, massively lucky that I didnt wind up with some kind of penis rot. I wasnt complaining - Id just had fantastic sex with every indication that Stephanie and I would hook up again (and we did, several times, until she found an actual relationship and wanted to keep it monogamous with him), so after I gave her a kiss on the cheek and she playfully told me to get out, I was able to walk back to my car with a spring in my step which is miraculous considering that my next stop that day was a tutoring job for a guy I nicknamed Pringles because the dude always smelled like Pringles. " She threw out so much dirty talk all at once that she drove me completely over the top. Or silver if you have some kind of gold allergy. Thanks for reading, everyone! Even Pringles couldnt keep me down that day. I hope all your fucks are also solid gold!