#i am such a sam fan i cannot understand hating him

[mothgardens]

it is 2am and i am feeling so much sam winchester love rn so here is a list of taylor swift songs i think resonate with him:

1. Anti-Hero

I feel as tho all the lyrics work towards his character.

Mr. Samuel “It’s me, Hi, I’m the problem it’s me… everybody agrees,” Winchester

I should not be left to my own devices -> Dean constantly implies that Sam shouldn’t be left to figure things out on his own. He does this so much that Sam actually confronts him about it, multiple times.

I wake up screaming from dreaming -> Sam used to wake up from his visions freaked the hell out.

The second verse is also very fitting; he always felt like a freak or monster compared to everyone else.

2. Clean

DEMON BLOOD !!!!!!

I think it works really well for his addiction arc because the song is about toxic relationships (aka RUBY).

The drought being the worst -> Being locked in Bobby’s panic room.

The flowers that we grown together died of thirst -> The powers that grew and developed during his addiction and slowly disappeared when he was sobering.

I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing -> Sam was shouting and banging for hours down in the panic room and no one came to check on him until he was quiet.

Ten months older, I wont give in. Now that i’m clean, I’m never gonna risk it -> He never went back

3. Nothing New

Honestly, the whole reason this song is on the list is because of the lyric:

How can a person know everything at 18, but nothing at 22 -> Sam left for Stanford at 18. That was his first taste of freedom; it was his first time deciding something for himself. He was his own person. He had finally escaped. But, then at 22, Dean came and brought him back in. Jess dies. Everything feels lost again.

In general, I think Sam has lost of teenage girl vibes to him tho. This is probably self projection, but I think its true and this is MY analysis so <3.

4. My Tears Ricochet

This song is about Sam and John’s Stanford fight, and general dynamics that they share.

This one is going to get it’s own in depth, dedicated post <3 but some highlights are:

Even on my worst day, did i deserve, all the hell you gave me -> Sam was a child. No matter how arrogant or frustrating he could be, John should have never been so harsh on him. Telling your kid to never come back just because he wants to go to college is INSANE.

And I can go anywhere I want, just not home -> THIS LINE IS SO AHHHHHHH SAMMY.

Cursing my name, wishing i stayed -> John. John. John. Cursing Sam to never return, while simultaneously wishing he had never left.

Cause when I’d fight you used to tell me I was brave -> Parallel, John telling Sam he being brave on a hunt VS John condescendingly saying Sam was being brave for standing up to him.

You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same -> John realizing that Sam might have to die if nothing changes. John giving that responsibility to Dean by giving his life for Dean’s; selfless selfishness.

5. Mirrorball

Mr. Samuel “And when I break, it’s in a million pieces” Winchester

I’m still on that tightrope, I’m still trying everything to get you laughing at me -> Sam continuously tries to do his best under every circumstance. Even though most of the people around him have such little faith in him. He won’t stop trying.

And I’m still a believer, but I don’t know why -> His faith is God and the stereotypical Christian religion in general throughout the series fascinates me. He has very little reason to keep his faith, but he does. Even in later seasons, I think it was s11, when he prays and believes that Lucifer’s visions are actually messages from God.

I’ve never been a natural, all I do is try try try -> Sam doesn’t actually know what he is doing. He uses his training, but that only can get you so far in mental battles with Lucifer or physical battles with God. He does what he thinks is right. He just wants to help.

6. This Is Me Trying

This is also in the works of developing its own post. Highlights include:

I didn’t know if you’d care if i came back, i have a lot of regrets about that -> Sam never got to know if Dean wanted him back. All that time spent at Stanford he had to wonder if his father and brother actually missed him or not.

Could’ve followed my fears all the way down -> This just screams Lucifer trauma to me

THEY TOLD ME ALL MY CAGES WERE MENTAL, SO I GOT WASTED LIKE ALL MY POTENTIAL -> *violently screams and shakes* The visions, Demon blood, Hallucifer, literally anytime Sam is struggling it is brushed off as him being too worked up about it. Dean literally COMPLAINED to Bobby about how much work it was that Sam was mentally ill. LIKE DUDE.

AND MY WORDS SHOOT TO KILL WHEN IM MAD, I HAVE A LOT OF REGRETS ABOUT THAT -> Sam does say shit that is hurtful. He does shit that is bad. It’s usually out of frustration from someone else’s actions towards him. AKA it’s usually towards Dean, when Dean belittles him.

pouring out my heart to a stranger, BUT I DIDNT POUR THE WHISKEY -> Sam vs Dean (this is NOT me belittling Dean’s alcoholism bc i get he has an issue)

That this is me trying, AT LEAST IM TRYING -> Again, Sam is just doing his best.

And it’s hard to be at a party when I when i feel like an open wound -> Sam has to just behave and go through his life normally even when he is struggling with abandonment, addiction, 180 years of every abuse imaginable and unimaginable, guilt, and just so much suffering.

It ’s hard to be anywhere when all i want is you, you’re a flashback -> Sam’s feelings about Jess. I constantly think about that scene in the impala when he tells Dean that he still thinks about her. It had been like twelve or more years. Its so painful.

—

please excuse my typos

i am yet but just a girl

<3

[soap-is-an-artist]

Hooray... it's 7 in the morning and I stayed up all night listening to the imperium... I feel so happy and satisfied with my life choices...

I am feeling very much not cowabunga, dude

[SEVERE rambling in tags]

[sunflowerchester]

@miltonka:

Why do fans of two characters who love each other more than anything in the world fight so hard? You can love them both. Try to understand them both. They both made mistakes, but they are both just people. Each can identify more with the other, understandably. But you have to try to understand them both.

I know this is the way Tumblr used to work, but it feels weird to start a convo on someone else's post by replying in a thread. So I am just going to keep doing it this way to sequester my uninvited replies to my page, to be ignored or responded to as the feed feels fit!

I do think that this comment was saying "let's just all be friends because we love the same show," but I do want to address the sort of consistent false equivalence that is constantly brought up when people say "you can love them both equally." I do believe this is true, you can love both Sam and Dean equally, but we cannot reduce them to the lowest common denominator and pretend they are the same person.

I think the reason Sam fans and Dean fans fight is because some people find it hard to hold criticism and love for a character at the same time and become defensive. Do the boys both make mistakes because they are both human? Of course they do. But they don't make the same mistakes nor do they make the same amount of mistakes, and eventually we have to admit that when criticism of one character outweighs the amount of criticism for the other, maybe the reason is that one character deserves more criticism because of the patterns of behavior they have established.

This doesn't have to mean you don't love that one character as much as the other. It can just mean you see him for how he truly is and demand better. This is how I feel about Dean.

My criticism of Dean doesn't mean I don't love him. It just means I'm not going to ignore his flaws in favor of some ill-fated effort to treat the boys "equally" by pretending that means they are the exact same person. Treating them equally would be holding them to the SAME STANDARD and going from there.

I think this is why Dean fans find criticism from Sam fans tough to take, because they demand that people who claim to love them both to discuss them equally negatively/positively, period. I would do that if the dynamic between the boys was as equal as the fandom demands we treat the boys, and warranted that, but it doesn't. Pretending otherwise to change the standard to cut Dean some slack wouldn't be fair to Sam.

What is fair is seeing things as they are, then being able to hold loving a character while also accurately identify when the character deserves criticism at the same time. Criticism does not equal hate, it is just part of fandom discussions and analysis.

[tuiyla]

The New Directions ranked by how much hatred for them baffles me

Reverse order to keep it interesting.

13. Finn

No surprise there. The combination of his questionable actions and the disturbing framing is enough to turn me into as much of an anti as I’ll ever be so how could I be surprised when people drag him.

12. Puck

People will never agree on how much an actor should influence how you view a character; I for one think it’s ‘as much as you want it to.’ Some will just never vibe with Puck and I respect that. His creepy in-universe moments don’t make it easier.

11. Artie

It would surprise me if someone has such strong feelings but truth is Artie didn’t get a ton and what he did get included being your local misogynist which wasn’t counterbalanced by a whole lot. Not that I don’t think he has plenty of likable qualities and he’s not all that polarizing but also not popular enough for me to be surprised about negative emotions.

10. Santana

Bet ya didn’t expect that, huh? Well, here I am as your local Santana stan saying that I’m not too surprised by those who happen to hate her. Part of it is expecting contrarians when a character is as popular as she is but part of it is just her occasional status as a villain that is bound to inspire haters. But, if I’m honest, I mostly think it’s contrarianism. Either way, not surprised when I see a strong push for “well but remember when she!!!”

9. Sam

The way his character changed over the years inspires at least some controversy and I feel like it’s easy to find people who are at least a little disgruntled with either version of him. Or people who just never liked him to begin with. Him being hailed as an unproblematic himbo can also inspire counterbalancing.

8. Blaine

We’re entering sort of baffling territory because, while I get why Blaine’s character could be annoying to some on certain levels I have seen levels of anti behaviour that I simply don’t get. Or I just don’t know enough about the intricacies of anti-Blaine reasonings.

7. Brittany

I think it’s easy to not take Brittany’s character as ~intended~ and when you apply a logic to her actions that simply wasn’t there in the writing itself, sure. It still confuses me when she’s treated as some sort of war criminal instead of comic relief and my own bias obviously doesn’t agree with it so I do find it confusing every now and then.

6. Quinn

With her story of many ups and downs and twists and turns she’s bound to be at least a little polarizing but I’ve seen people be so pissed at her, as if they were the not-so baby daddy she had tricked. Quinn will always be a traumatized teen in my eyes, with all her flaws, and it annoys me when people don’t at leats cut her some slack.

5. Rachel

You might think she’s too high on the list but it’s the result of the sheer vitriol the character faces from people who think disliking the central character is the ~cool~ thing to do. Rachel is an intentionally grating character and I get how that’s not endearing when the show loses sight of the point of her story every now and then but I simply don’t think she has any business being as polarizing as she is.

4. Tina

Similarly to Sam, the abrupt change in character was just a no-no for some but criticism against Tina tends to be so lazy I simply can’t give it the benefit of the doubt. “She’s just so annoying” is and has always been my least favourite sentence to hear about a character and I cannot, and will not understand it. What has she done against you?

3. Kurt

The fan favourite aspect, like with Santana, does come up but anti stuff also tends to be a bit more insidious, e.g. borderline or fully homophobic. If your big 2k22 Glee hot take is that Kurt was too much of a gay stereotype I think we’re all begging you to move on. Valid criticisms exist, of course, but the ones I tend to see also tend to be bs that baffles the mind.

2. Mike

It’s hard to rank Mike on any list. To be clear, wholehearted devotion and love confuses me just as much as ardent hatred because, like... what has he done? Seriously, Mike is just not enough of a character in canon to feel that strongly about. If you consider yourself a Mike anti, good for you, but I probably won’t think your reasoning is all that justified.

1. Mercedes

Apart from Quinn, Mercedes was my reason for making this list. There’s simply not a good enough reason to be an actual Mercedes anti and maybe I do make the rules, so that’s that. I can understand being mad that she didn’t get enough but that’s about it. That’s not to say everyone has to stan Mercedes, you do whatever you want. But actively hating her must have a reason and, imo, that reason can hardly be not sus.

[onceuponastory]

boyfriend - bucky barnes x y/n

"I love everything about you girl, don't you understand? I love you from head to toe girl, but I hate your boyfriend" - boyfriend: lou bega yes mambo no. 5 lou bega

Plot: Bucky is in love with his best friend Y/N. But unfortunately, his best friend has a boyfriend, and Bucky hates his guts. Warnings: Alcohol, some violence (but no abuse) and a small mention of sex. Also a small spoiler for TFATWS finale - just Sam's new job. Notes: So, my first Bucky fic is here! I've loved this song for a long time, and I listened to it again last week, and this fic was born. I recommend you listen to the song, because it's so upbeat and catchy, and I've tried to reflect that in this fic by making it more funny than angsty...but there is some angst ;) Oh also, Lou keeps calling the girl darling in the song, which is definitely a thing Bucky would do I think.

Also this is at least 7k words, probably even more. So sit back, relax and enjoy!

As Bucky Barnes watches his best friend Y/N sing to herself as she moves around her apartment, he smiles. The two of them have been friends for almost two years by this point, and hang out together almost every day. And for almost two years, Bucky Barnes has been head over heels in love with her. He loves everything about her: her smile, how gorgeous she looks, her sunny disposition, the way she’s the only one who can cheer him up after a nightmare...and so on and so forth. Y/N comes and sits beside him on the couch, grinning. “What are you thinking about?” She asks.

“Oh nothing.” He lies. Of course, he knows he can’t tell her that he’s in love with her. Especially since he knows there’s no way she feels the same about him. Before Y/N can reply, there’s a knock at the door, and she springs up to answer it.

“Sean! Hey!” She grins, pecking him on the lips and leading him inside, her arm wrapped around his waist. “Bucky! You remember my boyfriend Sean, right?” She asks.

“Yes, I do. Hey Sean.” He gives him a small wave from his position on the couch, which Sean returns, before being led into the kitchen by Y/N. Once they’re out of sight, Bucky’s smile falls. Sean is the big reason why he can’t tell Y/N that he’s in love with her. He might not know much about love, given he’s over a hundred years old, but he does know that you can’t tell people things like that and destroy their happiness, even if he wishes it was him she was with. Everytime he’s around, or even when she talks about him, a big grin is present on her face. And it tears him apart inside. But despite how happy she is around him, and how he knows that her happiness is all that matters, Bucky can’t stand Sean at all.

It’s not even just because he’s dating the girl he’s been in love with from the moment he met her. Bucky just...gets bad vibes from him, and doesn’t trust him as far as he can throw him (which, considering his metal arm, is quite far actually). He can’t explain why he dislikes him so much, he just does. And because of that, he refuses to get to know Sean any more than he has to, despite Y/N’s wishes for them to both get along. He knows it breaks her heart, but he can’t help it. He got through the last eighty or so years of his life trusting only himself, and isn’t about to stop now. But, his distrust of Sean for no reason is still confusing to him, so he decides he has to get to the bottom of it.

So, as soon as he can, Bucky visits another friend of his and Y/N’s.

~*~*~*~*~

“No, I cannot send Red Wing after her boyfriend to spy on him. Are you insane?! I thought all that mindless killing and spy stuff was behind you?” Sam asks.

“Okay first of all, ouch, and secondly, it is. I just hate HIM. I don’t trust him one bit.”

“Well...is he hurting her? Do you think she’s in danger?” Mulling it over, Bucky shakes his head.

“No. I just....think he’s weird and gross. He just...I don’t know! I just don’t like him Sam, is that really a big issue?!”

“It is when you’re trying to send The Avengers after him! And besides, if she’s not being hurt, there’s nothing we can do.” Huffing, Bucky rolls his eyes. “Why don’t you just spend time with him?” Sam asks. “I mean, you don’t like him, but Y/N has clearly got her heart set on this man, so there’s got to be something you’re missing. Maybe that robot brain of yours needs re-working.”

“Well, he did ask if I wanted to hang out, maybe get some coffee together a few weeks ago. And it’d make Y/N happy if we hung out more...” He trails off, and Sam starts nodding.

“See! You’re right! And after all, as long as Y/N’s happy, that’s all that matters...right Bucky?” Bucky is silent for a while, and Sam almost makes another crack at how he can hear the gears turning in his robot brain, but Bucky soon speaks up.

“Okay, I’ll do it.” Sam starts grinning. “But I uh...I’ll need some moral support there. Some help...guy to guy, you know.” Sam’s grin immediately disappears.

“Ohhh no. No no no. I am not getting dragged into this. Whatever’s between you and this dude is your business. I want no part of this.”

“Come on Sam! Please?!” Bucky asks. “That way you can see that it’s not just all in my head. I’m not wrong, I promise. You can trust my judgement.”

“Ah yes, because your judgement has been so great before...” Sam mumbles, but Bucky doesn’t respond to that.

“And after all, I think it’s an important part of my therapy, you know, making new friends and all that. I’m sure both the doc and Y/N will be pleased to hear that.” Sam shakes his head.

“I don’t care, I’m still not getting dragged into this.”

~*~*~*~*~

“I hate you.” Sam whispers, glaring at Bucky from across the Starbucks table. Bucky ignores him, and stares out the window, looking for Sean. “I cannot believe you dragged me into this.” Sam continues to complain.

“Shut up Sam.” Bucky orders, continuing to stare out the window.

“Oh, you’re going to be like that? You know Bucky, it’s really rude-“ Bucky suddenly sits up straighter, seeing Sean walking through the door.

“Shut up Sam.”

“Hey! You don’t- ouch!” Sam gasps as Bucky’s foot makes a connection with his ankle in an attempt to shut him up. “Thank god his foot’s not made of vibranium...” Sam hisses.

“Sean! Over here!” Bucky calls, waving him over as Sam rubs his ankle, continuing to glare at Bucky. Sean heads over to the table and sits down, greeting Bucky with a smile and a hello. Then he notices Sam beside him.

“Oh my god, hi! You’re Sam, right? It’s really nice to meet you. I’m a big fan of Captain America.” He gasps, holding out his hand, which Sam shakes, clearly happy with the attention. Bucky suppresses a groan, knowing Sam will not shut up about this, and will think Sean is great, no matter what he says. “Gotta admit, I didn’t expect to have you join us, but I’m glad you’re here.”

“Yeah, well...I was in the neighbourhood, so.....Bucky invited me to join you both.” Sam lies, giving Bucky a hard stare.

“Well I’m glad you’re here. Both of you. You seem to know her really well, so I’m glad to hang out with you both.” Sean grins, ignoring or failing to notice the tension between Sam and Bucky. “She talks about you both a lot, actually.”

“Oh she does? You know, she talks about you a lot too. It’s nice to finally meet you man.” The pair turn their eyes to Bucky, who still hasn’t said anything, and continues fixing his gaze on Sean.

“Um, hi Bucky. It’s nice to see you again. How have you been?” Sean asks, suddenly looking like he’d rather be anywhere but here.

“Good.” Bucky responds, continuing his staring. Sean’s face flushes.

“Does he uh...does he always stare like this?” Sean whispers to Sam, clearly loud enough for Bucky to hear.

“Yup. All the time. I wouldn’t worry about it too much. He does it to me too. It means he likes you.” Sam lies. Sean starts smiling.

“Oh, it does? That’s good then! Right, I’ll get the drinks then. What are you guys having?” He asks, heading up to the counter after both pass on their orders. As soon as he’s out of earshot, Sam rounds on Bucky.

“What the hell is wrong with you? You’re going to frighten the poor guy to death.” Sam hisses.

“Well, he’s weird right? Something’s off with him. He just doesn't seem genuine.” Bucky fires back. Sam frowns.

“No! He’s been nothing but polite, and you’re staring at him like you’re in Winter Soldier kill mode. Wait, you’re not actually in that...mode are you? You’re not gonna hurt him, right Bucky?”

“Depends how the rest of this goes.” Bucky keeps a close eye on Sean as he waits for the drinks to be made. But so far, Sean seems to be doing nothing wrong or weird, and for a split second, Bucky wonders if he’s the one in the wrong, and that he’s just misguided. That is however, until Sean notices a pretty auburn haired woman is in front of him in line, and Bucky thinks he notices him look down towards her butt. Okay he’s definitely looking at her butt. His gaze lingers for a little while, and Bucky feels the rage building up in him. How could he disrespect Y/N like that? A girl just as beautiful, actually more beautiful than the one in front of him, and yet he disrespects her like this? “See?! He just started staring at her ass!” Bucky hisses, and Sam glances up from his phone, looking over.

“I don’t see anything.” He shrugs, going back to his phone. Bucky huffs.

“Are you serious? You barely looked! And that’s not an okay thing for him to do! I’m going to say something.”

“No. No you aren’t.” Sam orders. “You have no way to tell if that’s even what he did. And even if it was, you are not confronting him in a public Starbucks. Remember what happened last time everyone saw you fighting people?” He asks, and Bucky is immediately reminded of his face all over the news when people thought he killed King T’Chaka, and during the bar fight in Madripoor, when everyone was filming him, ready to post about how dangerous he was all over the internet. Even though he hates to admit it, Sam is right. Making this whole thing public was not a good choice. ...That doesn’t mean he can’t do it in private though. “Listen Bucky, I don’t get why you hate this guy so much, and sure, if he’s really rude or gross, I’d get it. But I’m telling you, I just don’t see it. And in the nicest way, I think you’re just grasping at straws here.” For a second, Bucky considers launching Sam’s phone across the room, and making him look at Sean so he could see what he does, but decides that’s probably not the best thing to do. Stay low and all that. “Now. We’re going to have a nice coffee with Sean, and you’re not going to antagonise him. Right Bucky?” Bucky shakes his head. There was no way in hell he’s going to agree with that. Sam sighs.

“Why are you being like this? Y/N is someone I care about a lot, and I know you care about her too, so why won’t you listen to me and trust me on this?!” Bucky asks, and Sam raises an eyebrow.

“Of course I care about her Buck, but I think you’re going too far with this, and I’m worried it’s going to hurt her in the long run. Trust me on this. This kind of thing never ends well.” Bucky scoffs, and is about to say that he’s not going too far at all, and if Sam just listened and watched, he’d understand where he was coming from. But before he can open his mouth, Sean comes back, carrying a tray with their drinks and some snacks.

“Hey, sorry about your wait. It took longer than expected. I know you guys didn’t ask for them, but I got some cakes too. Y/N told me that you guys love them, so I thought I’d get them too.” He laughs awkwardly, still clearly intimidated by Bucky.

“You did? Well thank you Sean. Isn’t that nice Bucky?” Sam asks, giving Bucky a look.

“Thanks.” Bucky hisses, glaring down at the cake pop on the tray. Sean starts smiling. He’s right, he does like them...just when Y/N buys them for him though. And even though Sam was right about not confronting him in public, that doesn’t mean Bucky has to eat the cake. “I’m not hungry though.” Sean’s face falls, and Sam sighs, rolling his eyes.

“Oh, well...you can eat it later, right?” Sean asks.

“Mhm.” Bucky gives a tiny nod, making Sean look even more scared. Noticing this look and trying desperately to avoid the impending catastrophe, Sam starts up a conversation with Sean, whilst Bucky drinks his coffee and pipes up every so often with a grunt or a nod.

After a while, mostly filled with conversations between Sam and Sean and complete silence from Bucky, Sam gets up to go to the toilet. As he leaves, Sam gives Bucky a look, clearly pleading with him not to launch Sean through the window while he’s away. Bucky rolls his eyes and gestures for Sam to just go, which he does..whilst keeping his eyes on them the entire way there.

“So...” Sean trails off, laughing awkwardly.

”Let me get one thing clear.” Bucky says, and Sean audibly gulps, clearly startled. Bucky leans forward, and Sean immediately looks like he’s about to shit himself in fear. “Y/N means a lot to me. And if you do ANYTHING to hurt her, you will have me to deal with. You understand?” He hisses. Sean nods, still looking startled. “Say it.”

“Y-Yes Bucky...” He stammers out.

“Good. And let me tell you. Don’t think you can just...stare at other girls without repercussions. It wont end well, trust me.”

“But I didn’t...” He begins, and Bucky gives him another glare. He can see the guilt written all over his face. “Anyway. As long as you remember that, that’s all that matters.” He leans back into his seat, and takes another sip of his coffee. The pair sit in silence until Sam returns.

“Hey guys, I didn’t miss much did I? You’re both okay, right?”

“Yup.” Bucky and Sean say at the same time. Sam looks surprised by this, but smiles, clearly happy that Sean hasn’t been launched through the Starbucks window, even though that’s still what Bucky wanted to do.

~*~*~*~*~

After the trio are finished in Starbucks, they stand outside to say their goodbyes. Well. Two of them do at least. “Well, bye guys, it was uh...nice to see you both.” Sean forces a smile, clearly trying to not anger Bucky even more.

“Yeah it was fun! Hopefully we can do this again.” Sam grins, clearly not noticing the awkwardness between them both, or ignoring it. Sean grimaces, and walks away from the pair. Sam waves him off.

“I don’t get why you like him so much.” Bucky sighs, starting to walk back towards his apartment, closely accompanied by Sam, who’s still grinning.

“At first I didn’t understand why you don’t like him, but I think I do now. I realised it when I was in the bathroom.”

“Well, that is where you do most of your thinking.” Bucky counters, rolling his eyes. He already told him why he didn’t like Sean. In his eyes, there wasn’t much else to think about. Sam ignores the dig, and continues:

“It’s because you have a crush on Y/N, isn’t it?” Bucky stops in his tracks, turning towards Sam.

“Uh no, I don’t. Who says I do?!” Bucky lies. Sam’s grin grows even wider.

“Oh yes you DO Bucky. I can’t believe I didn’t notice it before. It’s SO obvious!” Even though he tries desperately to stop it, Bucky feels his cheeks flush. Sam picks up on this immediately. “Ha! I knew it! You like her. I mean, I should’ve noticed sooner, with the way you look at her, and the way you speak about her.”

“Sam, can you shut up?” Bucky hisses. “Please.” Sam’s face softens. “Yes..I like her. I think she’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen, and I’m so glad to be her friend. But that is NOT why I hate Sean. I don’t care who Y/N is with, as long as she’s happy and they treat her well, and I'm worried he isn't going to.” Bucky feels his heart sink as he says that he doesn’t care who she’s with. Of course, he wants it to be him more than anything...but life doesn’t always work out like that. After all, it had treated him so shittily in the past, there’s no way it would also give him the girl of his dreams. Bucky had learned a long time ago that his dreams weren’t meant to come true. But despite that, if he was destined to just be Y/N’s friend, that was okay with him.

“I’m sorry Bucky.” Sam says, sounding genuine. He reaches over and gives Bucky a pat on the back. “For what it’s worth, despite me not seeing Sean the way you do, your support and love for Y/N is really admirable, and shows how good a guy you are. I hope you find love and happiness with someone, even if it’s not with Y/N.”

“Thanks Sam.” Bucky gives a soft smile. He knows he doesn’t deserve it, but it was still nice to hear. The pair resume walking towards Bucky’s apartment.

“I will say though, you gotta work on your anger issues.”

“I don’t have anger issues.”

“...Yeah you do. I saw the way you looked at him. Anyway, I know the best way to do that...video games at your place.”

“Why is it always my place?”

“It’s nice, and you have better games than I do. I have Y/N to thank for that.” Sam walks on ahead, and Bucky rolls his eyes. Even though Sam sometimes gets on his nerves, he’s still incredibly glad to have him as a friend. Even when he eats all the food in his fridge.

~*~*~*~*~

The duo soon arrive at Bucky’s apartment, and are midway through a game of Mario Kart when they’re interrupted by the sound of banging on Bucky’s door. Pausing the game, Sam and Bucky exchange a cautious look as they slowly move towards the door, not wanting to be surprised by something that could be The Avengers’ newest threat. That is however, until a voice sounds through the door:

“JAMES BUCHANAN BARNES, I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE!” Y/N calls. “I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.”

“Ooh, full name. You’re fucked.” Sam says, clearly trying not to laugh. Bucky glares at him, before steeling himself and opening the door. Y/N stands there, her arms folded and a glare on her face. “Oh she looks like you when she glares.” Sam whispers loud enough for just Bucky to hear.

“Um...hey Y/N.” Bucky gives her a small wave.

“Don’t ‘hey Y/N’ me asshole. I need to talk to you.” She orders, walking into the apartment. “Oh, hi Sam. Can I speak to Bucky please? Alone?” She asks, almost hissing the words.

“Don’t have to tell me twice.” Sam responds, holding his hands up in surrender and leaving the room, taking a bowl of M&Ms with him. As soon as the door clicks shut behind Sam, Y/N unleashes her anger on Bucky.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” She asks. For a second, Bucky almost responds with ‘many, many things’ but he realises that might be the wrong thing to say. Y/N does not look like she can handle jokes right now. “Sean told me about your coffee date. I know you’re not the best person with socialising but GOD Bucky, are you even trying to be civil to him?”

“Doll, listen...” Bucky begins, but she cuts him off.

“Nope. Nuh uh. You do not get to call me that right now. And I’m not even finished speaking.” Bucky takes the hint and shuts up. “Everytime he speaks, or even breathes, you look like you want to wring his neck!”

“No I don’t!”

“Yes you do! I’ve seen it! And not even that, you THREATENED HIM!”

“Hey, I’m just being protective of you!” Bucky defends, trying not to feel bad. This is their first fight...ever, and he hates it. Especially because he’s trying to protect Y/N, and she just won’t listen.

“That’s not being protective! That’s being weird and creepy!”

“Exactly what I said!” Sam calls from the other room.

“Thanks Sam.” Bucky and Y/N say in unison. They both look at each other, the argument the last thing on their minds. “...Jinx.” Bucky whispers, smiling. For a second, a smile creeps its way onto Y/N’s face, and Bucky feels hopeful that they can have a civil conversation. But then, Y/N clearly remembers where she is, and the smile falls.

“Bucky...please don’t do that. Please don’t.” She pleads. She looks sad to be fighting with him, and Bucky feels a pang in his chest. Both about their fight, and about what he needs to tell her.

“I’m sorry d-Y/N.” He quickly clarifies. He takes a seat on his couch, beckoning for her to join him, which she does. He takes her hands in his, gently running his thumb over her knuckles with his non metal hand. “It may seem like I’ve been too hard on Sean, but trust me, I do have my reasons.” Y/N frowns, and Bucky continues. “When we were out...I saw him staring at another girl. He definitely stared at her butt. And because I care about you, I wanted him to know that wasn’t acceptable, and if he hurts you, he’ll have to answer to me.” Y/N is silent for a few seconds, frowning as she takes it all in. Bucky waits patiently, waiting to support her when she needs it. Finally, she speaks.

“Oh my god...” She begins. But just as Bucky is about to comfort her, she finishes her sentence. “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.” She scoffs. Bucky starts frowning, and before he can speak, Y/N stands up, pulling her hands out of his grasp. “I can’t believe you Bucky. First you threaten my boyfriend, and now you stoop so low to make up lies about him! I know you don't like him, but even so, that's no excuse.”

“B-But I didn’t! I saw it!” Bucky stammers, quickly getting up.

“Oh you did, did you? Did you also see a unicorn? Did you see a flying pig? Come on Bucky, just tell me the truth. You didn’t see those things because they don’t exist. I know he wouldn’t do that to me.”

“...And you don’t trust me?” He asks.

“I thought I did, but I don’t know if I can anymore.” She replies. Bucky swears he feels his heart shatter in that moment. A mixture of anger and pain begin to build in his stomach, and he feels tears welling up in his eyes. “I know. Why don’t we ask Sam what he saw?” She asks, walking towards the room. Bucky gasps, trying to reach out and stop her.

“No...no you don’t have to.” Scoffing, she turns around.

“Why? Because he didn’t see it?” She asks. Instead of letting him answer, she opens the door to a startled Sam, still clutching the bowl. “Sam. Did you see what Bucky said he saw? Did Sean cheat on me with a girl in Starbucks?”

“Well, I personally didn’t see it, but-“

“And that’s all I need.” Y/N sighs. She turns back to Bucky, her eyes shimmering with tears. “Just...I don’t know what I can say to you.” She sniffles. “I thought you were my friend.”

“Doll, I am, I swear-“

“I SAID DON’T CALL ME THAT!” She snaps, tears spilling from her eyes. “I...I need to go. Sean’s waiting on me. Just. Leave us alone please. I can’t be friends with you if you can’t respect me and my relationship. If you want to apologise, you know where to find me.” She starts walking towards the front door.

“Wait.” Bucky gasps, and Y/N stops in her tracks. “Please believe me Y/N. I wouldn’t lie to you about this.” She stays silent. “Please Y/N.” Bucky repeats, moving closer towards her. When he sees he’s getting no response, he feels the anger rising. “I’m not apologising for being right!” He says louder than he expected to. Y/N sniffles again, and Bucky immediately regrets his tone.

“Well....I guess this is goodbye then.” Y/N says, and Bucky can hear her start to cry. ”Goodbye Bucky. Bye Sam.” Without another word, she opens the door of Bucky’s apartment and leaves, closing the door behind her.

Bucky stands there for what feels like an eternity, just staring at the door. Part of him knows he should run after her, but it feels like his feet are rooted to the ground. So instead, he stands there, waiting for the slim chance of her coming back. At this point, he doesn’t even care who’s right or wrong...he just wants to apologise to her and have her back in his life. As time goes on, he slowly starts to accept she’s not coming back. When he said he felt his heart shatter before, this feels like the tiny shards were stabbing him, and piercing every part of him. And despite everything Bucky has been through, the fights, the torture, the nightmares...this pain hurts more than anything he’s ever experienced in his life.

“Bucky...” He registers Sam’s voice from beside him, but can’t even say anything back to him. “Are you....are you alright?” Sam asks. Bucky can tell from his voice that he knows he’s asking a dumb question. How the hell could anyone be okay after an argument like that? But he knows that Sam’s a therapist, and that’s what they do. His own doc would do the same. But the question still made him realise that he is definitely not okay. A tear falls from his eyes and rolls down his cheek, and Bucky says the only thing he’s able to say.

“I’ve lost her forever Sam.”

~*~*~*~*~

In the weeks after his argument with Y/N, Bucky has become even more reclusive than he is usually. He barely leaves his apartment, only venturing outside to go to his appointments or to get food. Aside from seeing his doctor and occasionally replying to Sam’s texts, he has no other social interactions. Y/N was his everything: his best friend...actually, his only friend, and one of the only girls he’s ever loved. And now, she was gone. And it was like Bucky’s happiness and joy for life left with her. After all, she was usually the reason why he was happy. Well...the only reason.

But he doesn’t judge her for being upset at him. Bucky has started to blame himself for what happened. Maybe he had seen things that didn’t exist, or taken things the wrong way. All he wants to do is go over to Y/N’s apartment, apologise to her and get her back. He doesn’t even care about being with her, he just wants to be her friend again. Unfortunately, Bucky is far too scared to do it. The last time they saw each other was filled with so much pain and tears, he didn’t want to put them both through that again. That and he was terrified it wouldn’t work out, and that he’d never see her again. So instead, he did nothing. He felt horrible about it, but he knew it was the best option, and nobody else would get hurt.

However, one day, Bucky has decided he’s fed up with being stuck in his apartment, and chooses to go for a walk. Once he is outside, he walks towards the park. As he walks, he takes a deep breath, enjoying the fresh air and the sun on his skin. He just wishes Y/N was here with him. Memories flash through his mind of spending time with her, having picnics together, buying ice creams for each other, giving her piggy back rides, running for shelter in the rain, playing catch and almost hitting people in the face because he forgot about the true strength of his arm. The memories are full of laughter, and Bucky almost starts laughing as he remembers them. But then he remembers that they’re not friends anymore, and his smile fades. He continues walking, trying his best to ignore the guilt.

As he looks around, he looks up and sees a familiar face from across the park, stopping him in his tracks. Is that...Sean? It definitely looks like him. Bucky realises he’s finally been granted a second chance. All he has to do is go over there, apologise and then everything would be better again. But as he’s making his way over to him, Bucky realises he’s not alone. Sean is accompanied by a woman. A woman who definitely isn’t Y/N. Although the can feel anger rising within him, Bucky takes a deep breath. Maybe he got it wrong again, and this isn’t Sean, or the woman he’s with is a distant relative? Or a friend? ...And then Sean pulls her close, and kisses her on the lips. Okaaaay....maybe Sean somehow has an identical twin who just so happens to live in the same town as them, and who neither he nor Y/N have mentioned before? Bucky suddenly realises the pair are heading towards him, and he’ll have to hide, or risk being discovered.

Thankfully, even though Bucky is still trying to forget the time he spent as the Winter Soldier, he hasn’t forgotten the stealth that came with it. So, he manages to find a hiding spot. Unfortunately, the park isn’t the best and most stealthiest place to hide, especially not for a man with a metal arm. So, Bucky has to resort to turning away and using his jacket’s collar as a form of protection. Thankfully, neither notice him, and walk past him. As they do, he hears a part of their conversation:

“Sean! You’re so bad!” She laughs.

“Can you blame me? You’re just so gorgeous baby.” Bucky feels his fists clenching as the reality begins to sink in. He was right. Sean is cheating on Y/N. He’s cheating on his best friend and the girl he’s been in love with since they first met. Bucky almost runs after Sean and confronts him. But before he does, his mind pictures Y/N, sifting alone in her apartment, completely unaware of the truth. And he realises what he has to do. So he starts to run towards her apartment.

On the way there, all Bucky can think about is the heartbreak that will be on her face when he tells her the truth. It’s going to break both of their hearts, but he has to do it. Soon, he reaches her building, and heads up to her apartment. As he knocks, he hopes to every god that she’s not in, so he doesn’t have to break the bad news to her. But despite all his hopes, the door opens, and Y/N peeks out. A smile grows onto her face when she sees Bucky, which causes another pang at his heart. How can he do this to her?

“Bucky...hi.” She smiles. “I was wondering if you’d come round. I need to talk to you. I-“

“Y/N listen.” Bucky cuts her off. She looks at him, her eyes curious. Sighing, he continues. “I have to tell you something. I was just at the park, and I saw Sean with another girl.” Y/N scoffs, and almost cuts in, but Bucky continues. “Please, hear me out. I know you probably don’t believe me, but I did see it, I promise. And the way they spoke about each other....I’m so sorry.”

“Seriously Bucky? You’re doing this again?” She sighs. “I’m sorry, but I don’t believe you. I trust Sean. I know you don’t trust him, but I know him better than you do. He wouldn’t do this. You don’t need to lie about him.” Bucky feels himself deflate slightly at that. Why won’t she believe him? Okay, maybe the first time, it was unbelievable, but now?

“...That’s not it at all! I’m just trying to protect you!” Bucky says. Y/N looks at him, a sympathetic look in her eyes.

“Well, I appreciate it, but I really don’t need you to. Sean and I were talking and-“ Bucky groans. That’s just what he needed. “And maybe...I don’t know, you’re jealous? Or you’re upset that I’m not spending as much time with you? If you are that’s okay, I’d understand. You don’t have to make up these lies. Both Sean and I are willing to sit and chat with you about this if you want, or I can come with you to your next therapy appointment if that’s easier.”

“No.” Bucky shakes his head. “I’m not lying. Please...why won’t you believe me?”

“Because I love him, and he loves me. When I'm with him, I'm happy, and so is he. Why would he do anything to jeopardise that?” Bucky feels his heart break again. Especially because he knows Sean doesn’t love her as much as he says he does. “Look, why don’t you come in for some tea, or a beer?” She offers, standing aside for him. Close to tears again, Bucky shakes his head.

“I’m sorry Y/N. But I can’t. If you don’t want to hear the truth because you’re so in love, I..I guess I understand. But I can’t stay here and watch you both together, knowing the kind of person he is.” He reaches out and gently takes her hands in his. “If you need me, you know where to find me. If not...well, I guess this is goodbye.” He whispers. He can see her face fall, and he turns and walks away. Bucky manages to maintain a straight face until he reaches the elevator, and then...he lets the tears fall.

 ~*~*~*~*~ 

In the days after Bucky said goodbye to Y/N, he feels even worse than he did the first time. This time feels more final. Now he doesn’t venture out of his apartment at all. Sam has been trying his best to talk to him, and get him outside, but Bucky has been ignoring him. He knows he shouldn’t be ignoring his friend, especially after losing one already...but by this point, Bucky has decided that he might as well lose all his friends at this point. He just doesn’t care anymore.

One day, almost two weeks since Bucky said goodbye to Y/N, he gets up around the middle of the afternoon, ready to spend this day like any other. But he’s soon stopped by a knock on his door. “Go away Sam!” He calls. But the knocking continues. “I’m not answering the door!” But still, the knocking doesn't stop. Bucky huffs, and stomps towards the door, flinging it open. “Sam! I told you to leave me alo-....Oh.” There, stands Y/N, tears streaming down her face. Seeing her there, Bucky is silent for a while. Part of him is convinced he’s still dreaming, and almost pinches himself to check he isn’t. But before he can do that, Y/N speaks, her voice shaky. 

“I owe you an apology.” Bucky stands aside, letting her in, which she gladly accepts. She sits on his couch, bringing her knees up to her face as Bucky closes the door. 

 “Do you uh..do you want something to drink? Or eat?” He offers. Y/N shakes her head, and Bucky sits down beside her. “What happened?” He asks, although he already has a feeling what it is. 

 “Well...you were right. He cheated on me. I uh...I came home from work early, and went over to his place to surprise him. I let myself in and...he was fucking some girl on the couch. Guess I got the surprise.” She sniffles again, before bursting into tears.

“Oh doll...” Bucky soothes. “Come here.” He opens his non metal arm, and she scoots over to him. He wraps his arm around her, pulling her into his chest, and holds her as she cries. Anger grows within him as she cries her eyes out. He’s going to kill him. 

 “I’m...I’m sorry Bucky. I just feel...so stupid! How could I have not believed you! You were just trying to tell me the truth...and I didn’t listen! I said you were a liar!” She wails, and Bucky rubs her back. 

 “No, no. It’s okay. You don’t have to apologise.”

“B-B-But I was so horrible to you, a-and condescending. I’m the worst friend ever!” She sniffles. Bucky knows his shirt is definitely drenched with tears by now, but he doesn’t care. All he cares about is making sure Y/N is happy. 

 “Y/N. It’s okay. Honestly. You were in love, and that’s totally understandable. I wouldn’t have believed me either.” She looks as if she doesn’t fully believe what he’s saying, but doesn’t say anything regardless. Instead, they both sit together, and Bucky gently rubs her back and down her arms, letting her cry out all her tears. “Tell you what. How about you stay over here tonight? I think there’s still some of your things here from when you last stayed over. I have a shirt I can give you if there isn’t. We can order some takeout, whatever you want, and we can play some video games...watch a movie, even one of those Disney ones you like so much.” Y/N smiles at that, and Bucky smiles with her. "There’s that smile I love so much. And tomorrow, I’ll go with you to his place, and we can grab your stuff. I can also kick his ass, or just stand around looking intimidating, whatever works.” Y/N lets out a loud laugh at that, making Bucky’s smile grow even wider. Hearing her laugh again is great. 

 “You are great at that, I have to admit.” She nods. Bucky winks. “Thanks Bucky. You’re the best. I don’t know what I did to deserve you in my life.” Bucky’s heart soars at that. It’s been a long time since someone told him that. 

 “You know doll, I ask myself the same question about you too.” He responds, making her smile. Before either can say anything though, there’s another knock at he door. Both look at each other, confused. “Sam? Is that you?” Bucky calls. They get their answer a few seconds later.  

“Y/N? Are you in there? Let me in please!” Sean’s voice calls. 

“Oh god, what is he doing here?” Y/N groans. Getting progressively angrier and protective, Bucky gets up off the couch, heading towards the door. Y/N gets up too, and Bucky gently moves her behind him for protection. Bucky opens the door, and Sean looks up, spotting Y/N behind Bucky. 

“Oh of course. She ran to the cyborg.” He scoffs. Bucky can smell some alcohol on his breath. His body tenses. 

“Sean, what the fuck?! Don’t speak to him like that! Especially not when you’re the one who I just caught cheating on me.” Y/N orders, but she’s ignored. Sean looks at Bucky’s angry face, and laughs. 

“I should’ve known. I can’t believe you’re getting mad at me for cheating once. Look at the two of you! Maybe I should’ve kept my eyes on you both. Who’s to say you didn’t cheat on me with him, huh?” Bucky’s fists clench, and Sean picks up on this immediately. “Oh, look. What are you going to do to me, Winter Soldier? Are you going to kill me?” Bucky thinks it over for a moment, then laughs. Sean looks confused. 

“I was thinking about it, but actually no, I won’t. I think I’ll let her handle it.” He smirks, standing aside to let Y/N step forward. She does...and immediately kicks Sean right in his balls, causing him to double over and groan in pain. 

“You’re a fucking asshole. Bucky was right about you, and I should’ve listened to him instead of your dumb ass. Because of you, I almost lost one of the best things I've ever had in my life. And you only cheated on me once? Really? Somehow, I doubt that.” She hisses. “Tomorrow, I’m going to come and pick up my stuff, and you can come and get yours from mine. Whether it’ll all be intact or in the garbage, I don’t know. After that, you’re going to stay away from Bucky and I. Do you understand?” When he doesn’t reply fast enough, she kicks him in the leg, causing another groan. “Do you understand?!” She repeats, her voice angrier. 

 “Yes! Yes! I got it!” He says quickly. Y/N stands up straight again. 

“Good. Now go back to whoever you were fucking on the couch, and leave us the fuck alone.” She orders, walking back into the apartment and slamming the door. 

“Hey! That was great!” Bucky grins. “You sure showed him better than I ever could.” 

“You really think so?” She asks, still slightly hyped on adrenaline. Bucky holds his arms out, pulling her into a tight hug. 

“Yes! Of course I do!” He encourages, squeezing her even tighter. They stay like that for a while, until the pair suddenly realise just how close they are to each other. They awkwardly spring apart, and both blush. Even though Bucky likes being so close to her, and wishes it could be like that all the time...he also knows how weird it is to do that to his best friend, especially when she just found her boyfriend cheating on her. “Um...wanna order a pizza?” He asks, and Y/N nods.

~*~*~*~*~ 

Later that night, Bucky and Y/N lay side by side on Bucky’s couch, a large cheese pizza between their legs, and an half finished bottle of rosé on the floor beside the couch...mostly for Y/N. The opening song to Beauty and the Beast plays on the television in front of them. “Here’s where she meets Prince Charming, but she won’t discover that it’s him til chapter three....” Y/N sings to herself, and she looks over at Bucky as she does. A small smile plays on her lips, and she starts to giggle. Bucky raises an eyebrow, asking if everything is okay. “It’s uh...it’s dumb. Well, not dumb. I was being dumb.” Y/N speaks quickly, before giggling even more. Bucky looks confused, and she continues. “I probably shouldn’t say this until I’m sober, but I’ve had a rough day and I have to let this out. It’s been eating me up inside for the past few days, and this afternoon.” 

Bucky pauses the movie, and turns to her. “Well that line kind of fits us! I mean....uh. I wasn’t being entirely honest with you at first. When Sean came over, and he said he should have kept his eyes on us, uh...” She takes a breath in an attempt to compose herself. “A few days ago, we had an argument about you...well, me and you.” She clarifies. “He was convinced that I liked you more than I liked him, and when I was on my way over here, I had a think about it, and....I think he’s maybe right.” Bucky almost feels his heart stop at that moment. She...likes him? Does she mean..in that way? Y/N continues. “I asked myself why I kept listening to him instead of you, and I realised...I wasn’t ever in love with him that much. But you...god Bucky, I’ve been in love with you since I met you. I just didn’t think you liked me in that way, so when a guy showed up who said he liked me, I kind of jumped at that and didn’t want to lose it, even when it’s obvious he didn’t love me. I was just so desperate to be loved, I blocked everything else out. And look where it got me.” She scoffs, finishes her glass of wine, and places it down. “I’m sorry Bucky. For everything.” 

“You don’t have to apologise. I told you.” Bucky replies, still in shock she might like him back. 

“I know, I know, but I do. And for what it’s worth, it’s okay if you don’t like me in that way. I just had to let it out. I’d understand if you don’t.” Without even responding, Bucky leans forward, and gently presses a kiss to her lips. 

 “Well...I do. I have for a long time.” He whispers. Y/N’s eyes go wide, and her cheeks flush.

“Oh...” She trails off. “Well, would you uh...would you like to go out with me sometime? On a date?” She asks. Bucky chuckles softly. 

“I would love to. But first, can I ask you to do something for me?” Y/N nods. “Can you kiss me again?” He asks. Smiling, both lean forward, pressing a kiss to each other’s lips. Even though both have no idea where their relationship will go from here, they’re ready to face it together.

And this time, Bucky doesn’t hate her new boyfriend. At least...not too much.

[wenellyb]

My journey in the MCU fandom on Tumblr: Sharing my thoughts on the Falcon and the Winter Soldier, racism in the MCU fandom and the best and the worse of the fandom

I wasn’t going to write this much but here I am… I don’t even know where I’m going with this but since The Falcon and the Winter Soldier just recently came out, I wanted to share some thoughts.

I joined Tumble because of a show I loved but most of you don’t know it “ Hit the Floor”

I stayed on Tumblr for two reasons only, Anthony Mackie and Sebastian Stan.

Before the Captain America:Civil War premiere, a friend sent me the link to the Sebastian and Anthony ET interview, and I was hooked. In just one interview. I discovered Anthony Mackie. The guy was hilarious!!! I just couldn’t get enough and I knew I had to know more about him. How could he improvise so many funny lines on the spot? He was just amazing.

I had pretty much watched all the avengers movie but that was it. I was not involved in the fandom. So I knew Sam Wilson’s face, but I couldn’t even remember his name if my life depended on it. That’s how much the MCU treated him as a side character.

I was like how the f*ck don’t I know this guy?

His talent reminded me of Eddie Murphy, Jim Carrey or Robin Williams, like yes they can make some emotional or serious movies, but when they want to make you laugh, you will laugh. Whether you want it or not.  I kept wondering how this guy wasn’t more famous.

And the banter with Sebastian Stan? Wow, you could tell their friendship was strong, the way Sebastian lighted up when Anthony was talking, and keep bouncing off his jokes. It was art. the way Sebastian said “ I love you” at the end of the interview. Pure gold.

I then started to watch some of the interviews and boy was that a mistake!!! I literally couldn’t get enough. So I watched all and I say all their interviews, it was the best. We got some gems:

“Why aren’t you looking at me as much”

“Which way is the beach Seabass”

*Them saying nonsense in Spanish and then Sebastian Saying Papi Chulo*

 ¨And so many more, ....

I watched other solo Anthony interviews and he was still HILARIOUS, but you could also tell he felt a little bit more at ease with Sebastian around. I won’t pretend I know him or his personality, but Sebastian seems like a little bit more of an introvert and looks like he doesn’t enjoy the interview experience unless Anthony id around him. Just my thoughts

I watched the interviews before I went to see the movie, I even cosplayed as the Winter Soldier to the movie premiere and I was IN!!! When I saw Captain America Civil War, I became a SamBucky shipper, these two were hilarious and I really so the potential for a great realtionship I love enemy to lovers stories.

I also shipped Stucky because, to me, the trope of the movie was Superhero gives up everything to protect his long term friend” Hollywood movies have some codes and if Bucky were a female character, there is no doubt in my mind that the movie would have been marketed as romance.

Stucky really was an easy ship! But then the MCU fandom of Tumblr fandom messed up everything for me. You see I really liked the CACW and I I liked Stucky, I liked Sambucky, and I loved the introduction of t’Challa’s character, but one of things that affected me the most in the movie was that it was the first blockbuster I watched with 3 black main characters, Rhodey, Sam and T’Challa. That, and the fact that they were planning to realease a Black Panther movie in two years, I was super excited, and that’s the main reason I got involved in the MCU fandom so much, when before, I was just a casual watcher.

If this seem weird to you, then you have no idea how we were only getting crumbs before. For me it was soo huge, I even told all my friends, and they were laughing at me. But usually blockbusters, especially superhero movies get one black character and that’s it, usually the best friend or something and never the leads. So, for me it really was a big deal. How sad is that by the way…

I became more involved in the fandom and, at first, I wasn’t focusing on anything special, Sambucky, Stucky, Stackie, the Black Panther, and even Zemo, whose character I really liked.

But soon I noticed that the CACW tags were always flooded, and I mean flooded with the same two white characters: Steve and Bucky. I told myself, ok that’s fine Steve is the lead after all, but it would be good to see the other characters too.

And then I noticed another interesting trend: Evanstan…. Wait what?

Chris Evans, and Sebastian Stan… did I miss something? Listen, obviously I’m sure they must be friends or something, but you’re going to tell me you watch all MCU the actors and you’re going to focus on Steve and Sebastian? I’m sorry what?

Sebastian and Anthony are right there… Or Chris and Anthony, they even have a secret handshake, only the 2 of them do… what more do you want?

Tell me one iconic Evanstan moment… go ahead tell me… See??? There isn’t.

Because of this and because of how badly some Stuckies were treating Sam and Anthony. I became less and less of a stucky shipper . I mainly focused on SamBucky, Stackie and the Black Panther,

And then the Sebastian Stan stans saw how popular Stackie, Sambucky, were becoming and I started to see some problematic stuff in our fandom too.

I don’t want to generalize, but when you go into the Stackie tag, and you see cropped pictures of Sebastian without Anthony, it’s easy to assume that a Sebastian fan did that. And we know damn well you cropped out Anthony because we watched all Stackie interviews and know exactly which interview your picture was taken from. We know that Anthony was sitting right next to Seb.

You post a picture of Sebastian laughing but you crop out the person who was making him laugh??

“but it has nothing to do with race” How do you know that?

“Sebastian had more screen time” More screen time than Anthony in CATWS or CACW? I don’t think so.

“I have been a fan of Sebastian for longer”, that’s fine but don’t go out cropping Anthony, just post gifs of Seb in his usual, sad, and Anthony-less interviews, not the ones where he’s smiling because his best friend is next to him.

Some of you really are the worst. And just so you know, your fave Sebastian is Anthony’s biggest fan, if he saw pictures where you cropped out Anthony, he would block you on the spot.

When I realized that Anthony Mackie would be the next Captain America I was screaming, no actually, I was crying, Sam Wilson will be Captain America, and Anthony would finally get the recognition he deserves.

You would think that the MCU fandom would focus on Captain America or at least one the two leads, instead of just Sebastian? Right? Right? WRONG.

Anthony is handsome, he’s funny, he’s a great actor, he went to freaking Julliard, he’s at the top, I don’t see what else the man can do??? He should already be a superstar, but no, you will side-line him even to he is the lead of the show.

Even when they are the actual leads, you guys would do anything to bring up the White characters even if it means ignoring the Black characters.

I remember I was having a conversation about Black Panther with my friends and I asked one of my white friends who was his favorite character in BP was and he told me Martin Freeman (don’t even remember his name in the movie) Martin Freaking Freeman, there are half a dozen of great characters and your fave is the only white man??? Ok, ok, that’s great.

Don’t give out automatic reply like “It has nothing to do with race, if you haven’t thought about it first”, because there’s a high probability that it is indeed about race. Stop saying it isn’t, sit down and ask yourself, “Am I biased?” “Why am I reblogging only stuff related to the white characters”.

One of these days you guys are going to make me hate Sebastian with the sh*t you are pulling.

I looove the Stackie friendship and the Sambucky dynamic but after seeing the way some of you treat Anthony and Sam’s character, it make me want to focus on Sam’s character and forget about the rest.

 I remember they were some posts about how Anthony was problematic, and I just lost it. Apparently, there was an old article that resurfaced were Anthony was making a joke about women making sandwiches or something.

If you were offended by the sandwich joke, that is totally ok, and I can understand that.

But if you were offended by the sandwich joke, and saying Anthony is problematic BUT you still stan Chris Evans, Jeremy Renner, ScarJo or even Sebastian Stan, just know that there is a high probability you’re racist.

They have all said or done problematic stuff, and people only seem to remember stuff related to Anthony, which was probably just a joke by the way.

Chris Evans and Jeremy called Black widow a wh*re, ScarJo took roles that she maybe shouldn’t have and I didn’t forget Sebastian shady Instagram post, when Kaepernick was kneeling. There are so many more things to be said about Jeremy Renner but google is your friend.

Anthony also got hate for hating on Tom Holland? Like what? Do you guys even hear yourselves? Don’t you have any friends you like to tease? If you hate someone, do you go around talking about him every chance you get? It was obviously friendly banter but some people wanted to turn it into something it was not. Sigh.

I really cannot with this fandom

 The stackie fandom was small at the beginning and the Sambucky fandom even smaller, but we were there and it was amazing. Sebastian and Anthony received the same amount of love from the fandom and I wish we could go back to those days.

Stop pretending the fandom isn’t racist. Stop saying “it isn’t about race” when you haven’t even thought about.

Saying “it has nothing to do with race” only shows that you haven’t thought about anything but don’t want to be called a racist.

There is racism in this fandom and it will always be there, but if you guys want to do anything about it, you have to acknowledge it first.

You can’t be pulling off stuff like “I don’t see colors”, “ it has nothing to do with race”. Stop, sit down, think about it and then we can have a conversation.

If you’ve made it till the end, I apologize for the typos and grammar mistakes, I wasn’t planning on writing this much.

[hardblazesong]

Viewpoint of a newbie

This is my first post and it is a little bit to long (sorry for that) but after what happened yesterday I just have to share my thoughts with someone.

I' m starting to watch Outlander at the beginning of this year, via Netflix and I have no idea what happend then with me. I was fasczinated by their chemistry, especially their kisses and the feelings which they brought to screen seemed so real for me. I have never seem before such a chemistry between two actors (and I watched Bridgerton before 😉)

Neither have I heard of the actors before nor have I read the books.

But there was something that gave me no peace and the first time in my live I start to google the actors, normaly I have no interest about that.

After watching  videos, panels, etc. I found tumblr and a lot of lovely blogs like yours (and a lot of hateful from the anti side, I am really shocked how many hateful people there are). It really looks like they are a couple in real life. I tend to think that their interacting and the lovely looks they exchange when they are together is nothing which you can act if the feelings are not there. If you see how Sam/Cait interact with the other cast members this seems like friendship vibe to me, and it differs greatly in the way they deal with each other.

Don't get me wrong, I am not a deluded person who cannot distinguish film fiction from reality, I' m a married women with two kids and a challenging job and sometimes it's hard for me to understand why I'm interested in the life of two actors, which I neither know nor have ever seen at all.

My logical common sense says me, that no one can live a hidden life for 7/8 years, while married with an other man, several blonde girlfriends, many stories which tells us official that they are not a couple. My logic says me that if so many people (cast members, famlily friends, etc.) are involed in the narrative and all of them say the same: They are not together, then it must be true.

The story which we saw the last months, mainly from Sam's side, seemed the first time for me, that this man is actually single and live a completely other live than Cait. On SM it seems that she was the whole time in Europe and he at the Mexico/USA.

If you are married to an other man and now have a baby, this must be real and I am wrong in my feeling that these two are together. 

Whether she calls the father by his name or not is of secondary importance to me,  assuming that a lot of Outlander fans doesn't read tumblr and believe she is married to Tony so

"We are so grateful for this little soul"  means in normal case me and my husband without mentioning him by name.

My logic says me that a baby fake to an other man is too much of all and I must be wrong with my feeling. My logic says me, if Sam congrats the "two/three of them" it must be real and my instinct was wrong.

But for the other part of me something seems odd, and there is a nagging feeling that something is strange here and I don't trust my own subconscious anymore. Too many strange coincidences over the years, you feel still the love between the two of them. Not a single photo of her laughing heartily with her husband.

Something is wrong here and everything seems like a big mystery which gives me no peace.

And this is why I stay here, although there was a wedding and now

a baby, because I, as a human being, am looking for a solution in my daily life for something that seems strange to me. ,................,.....,.................................

HBS added comment : Thank you for the submission posted in its entirety. I hope it helps that I tell you that you are certainly not alone in your thoughts or questions. Welcome to the SSSamCait.

I want to know if my instinct was really so wrong about Sam/Cait regardless of whether the story we are officially told sounds logical or not.

[carry-on-every-neverland-magic]

A tiny thesis on platonic love...

And why destiel shippers are so ignorant to it.

There was a show called Being Human (UK) years ago and it was about a werewolf a vampire and a ghost that were roommates and trying to navigate the world  and find their place.  It was hilarious and also moving, a brilliant and witty supernatural comedy/drama. 

The werewolf and vampire, George and Mitchell, were best friends,  they went through so much, helped each other, hated each other at times but always supported one another as difficult as things got, they always cared, deep down.

Anyway to cut  it short in  series 3, Mitchell who had struggled with drinking blood as he tried desperately to fit  in with humans, went too far, killed too many, was gonna get dragged back into  the darkness.  The prophecy was a werewolf would kill him  and we all thought it would  be another one in the show.   But it wasn’t.  It was George in the end who killed his best friend.  Mitchell initially asked him to kill him and George did it to release him and to protect people.  It was mercy.  

In the scene linked here George  is clearly emotional and this is the hardest thing he’s ever had to do. He tells his friend “I’m doing  this because  I love you.” So that Mitchell will understand the other reasons why, it’s not just because he’s trying to protect humans, it’s to end Mitchell’s suffering. 

This was  2011 I would have been on Tumblr but anyway I don’t remember people saying ‘oh they were romantically in love it’s  a confession blah blah’ NO because  platonic love is a thing that exists and it’s beautiful and underrated and not nearly portrayed in enough media. I always loved this moment between them it was devastating but emotionally raw and a fitting end for their particular journey.

Now I very much dislike the destiel scene in 15x18 it had bad dialogue and came out of nowhere but tbh  makes more sense as a brotherly love thing. 

 And the main take from Supernatural is that platonic love wins.  Sam and Dean’s bond is everything (and though it’s more complex and deep than possibly a lot of other portrayed platonic love) in canon, we got the most beautiful platonic love between them. It’s so powerful, such an important thing for aces and anyone who values those relationships above romance.  The fact we got that is incredibly important and special. Sam and Dean chose each other AGAIN and with free will stayed together and would have if not for the tragedy of hunting.

My main point I’m trying to reach is that I find it so upsetting and disappointing that people cannot value platonic love (I dislike Cass relationship with Dean but would 100% respect people who valued it as a platonic friendship and thats the confession we got imo)

The confession by Dean to Sam in the barn was deeply moving, raw and also platonic but on another level because their bond and love for one another exceeded everything else in their lives.

It’s the devaluing of platonic love I dislike and I hate destiel being pushed as something romantic (fine if shippers did that in peace and on A03 with no abuse of tags or fans and cast  but they invade everything and claim it was canon) NO. In canon it was platonic love (mostly from Cass side) and not anywhere near as deep as Sam and Dean’s of course, but platonic love.is no less valuable. It’s sad that destiel shippers can’t see any other type of love than romantic/sexual, that those are the only ones worth having. 

 The Being Human scene I linked makes me cry to this day. Platonic love is kind of indefinable but I am so proud  and grateful that Supernatural ended with that message, that soulmates can be brothers, that their love for  each other was so strong it both broke and made the world and themselves a thousand times.

[i-make-fun-of-spn-characters]

i actually did think you didn't like sam and cas for the longest time, but it's more than your bias for dean is evident. it took awhile to see through that and understand you are coming at sam and cas out of love and in a fun way and just happen to like dean more. there are a lot of other blogs that make digs at characters (esp sam and cas) in a NOT fun way, but pretend they "love all of TFW" and that's on me for lumping you in with them.

.

You know Anon, back when I used to post absolutely NOTHING except for memes, and also had a Sam banner and icon, someone asked me who my favorite character was, and I made it a poll because I was curious how good of a job I was doing keeping my content even. Lo and behold—they chose in order by vote percentage:

Sam

Cas

Dean

Jack

Then as the poll has stayed up ever since, I think Dean and Cas have traded places in the voting (but by now everyone knows Dean is my favorite). But a very large percentage of people did not know Dean was my favorite starting out. I was surprised, because I do indeed love Dean very VERY much. It isn't that I don't like Sam and Cas—but to me, Dean is possibly one of the greatest characters of all time. I could not possibly put into words how much I enjoy his character and all of the reasons why he's touched my heart. There is just no one out there quite like him in my mind. I think my bias for Dean has come through more in recent times—especially since the finale, because I miss him very much and his shitty death gutted (DON'T) me.

I think watching the show, when you look at the story only through one characters' lens, it's very easy to resent the others for not being perfect friends/family/brothers. I have even seen someone voice the sentiment before, "To some degree, to love Sam is to hate Dean, and to hate Dean is to love Sam" (paraphrasing). The thing is, when you genuinely look at your favorite (whether that's Dean or Sam or Cas) and look at their motivations and feelings and actions, it's clear that they love each other very much. That's an unavoidable fact in my mind. Both the best and worst things they've done have been at least partially motivated by the love they have for one another. I cannot, ultimately, dislike Sam or Cas knowing how much Dean loves them. To hate them would be to hate a part of Dean that is innate to who he is—his love for his family—and the choices and sacrifices he has made due to that love. It would be to say that there is something broken inside him that makes him unable to make the right choices about who should and should not be in his life. It would be to say that the foundation of the show, at the center of which is Dean's heart and how people around him are pulled inside of its orbit, is something tainted and unworthy.

It would also be to say that Dean's mistakes are okay and theirs are not, because you will find countless parallel events and threads tying their different actions together in ways that are different but also are often very much the same, if you get their motivations.

I think, for every stan out there of any main character... it would be a good idea to watch through the show trying to see it through a lens besides that of your favorite. I did this with Sam, and I am currently doing a rewatch where one of the goals is to focus on Cas's point of view more. Nothing can give you greater compassion and understanding than trying to step inside someone else's shoes, and having done this is one of the primary reasons I can't bring myself to follow many SPN accounts I have come across on Tumblr, because resentment runs rampant in many places, over characters or ships, and I don't care for that negativity. It's also the primary reason I started this blog to begin with. I wanted to carve out a positive space, where I didn't completely refuse to engage with the characters flaws (god knows fandom won't shut up about them anyway), but a place where I pointed out their flaws only to say those flaws are okay, don't make any one of them more unworthy of love than any of the others. Those flaws (at least—the ones I agree exist... there's a lot of flaws attributed to Sam, Dean, and Cas that I don't agree with at all) are what makes them human (err... or angel, respectively). I am not interested in Mary Sues (and I am definitely not interested in fans who sand down characters into Mary Sues to escape any semblance of their favorite being "problematic"). Just show me why they make the choices they do, even when those choices are broken, and I'm compassionate and I'm fascinated. I dare anyone to do better than the characters did with the cards they were dealt—with the lives they lived.

I can't say I've had the same experience on Tumblr as you with blogs pretending to like Sam and Cas while having a clear bias for Dean... I've tended to see quite a lot more of the opposite or worse. There are, after all, several blogs dedicated to absolutely nothing except trying to spread outright hate for Dean, and there was a time not long ago that you could not even go in the Dean tag without seeing countless ugly posts spewing vitriol about him (that has faded significantly since the show ended). But I think we're all bound to be most wise to the bias against our favorites (hell—I have picked up on someone's dislike of Dean from a gif blog before... and it was later confirmed that I was right). This is also part of what feeds the culture of anti-ism in the fanbase. People watched these characters for 12-15 years, and they latched onto one of them, and they know that character, and in many cases find identity and comfort with that character, and they see that character accused of terrible things that really aren't accurate at all, and the kind of innate human response to that is to want to do the opposite—hate their favorite because they hate yours. I think it's clear that that isn't what we're really supposed to get out of SPN. I don't think the intended narrative is that Dean hates Cas or Sam or that Sam hates Dean or that any one of them is unworthy of love and acceptance or is perfect or is too flawed. People can choose the narratives they want, but I'll continue vehemently disagreeing with them and making fun of them with the tag #don't feed the stans after midnight.

[castielgurl]

Football is a game, Love is like a battlefield

Romanogers Week

Prompt: Enemy to lovers

Natasha Romanoff is a football player of Russian descent. Red-haired with a dreadlock style, she likes to wear piercing on her nose and hates makeup. She likes to change the color of her hair, sometimes braided or even short hair exactly like a man. She is very fierce and does not care about negative comments on her Instagram page. As a famous female soccer star, she is often the victim of attacks by male soccer fans. They said she shouldn't play football, it's better to stay in the kitchen. Just because she’s a women’s soccer player. Natasha is often involved in anti-social media bullying campaigns.

 Natasha is now at the peak of her career. She has joined the big London -born club Chelsea Woman`s FC with the highest transfer value in the market. Has won the Women's English Premier League. Won the European Cup with her country Russia. She is a midfielder who is the team captain for her club and country. Natasha has just been awarded European Player of the Year. Natasha is a person known for her assertive leader character and violent style of play. However, Natasha's life changed forever when she met her future husband.

 Steve Rogers had a bad boy image. Even so, he became a young girl’s craze pretending to know about football. Because he is a tall, lean body, six-pack, white skin, blonde hair. Every time he played football, the girls would scream like they were hysteria. Steve has of course been dating a bunch of beautiful women from models to a famous actresses.

 Like Natasha, Steve is also a world-famous football player. He represents Chelsea FC, has won the Premier League title three times. Won the Champions League with Chelsea with him as the top scorer. Steve also represented his country USA at the World Cup. He is the captain of his club and country team. Steve is a striker who is known for his fast running style and energy as strong as a bodybuilder. Steve has won World Player of the Year twice.

 Because they play at the same club. The two finally met on the training ground. The training fields for male and female players are only separated by a fence. Since the two of them have opposite characters of course disaster is about to happen.

 It all started just because of a ball. Steve was challenged by his teammates for a crossbar challenge he kicked too hard accidentally falling into the women’s training field area. The ball, unfortunately, hit right on Natasha's head. Natasha's face flushed with anger. She then shouted and ask who kicked the ball earlier. Natasha took the ball, she knew the ball did not belong to the women’s team. Natasha went across the fence to the men's field area and kicked the ball hard against the body of one of the male players. He was not in pain but the player turned around.

 “Who is the dumbass who kicked the ball? You better talk now! ” Natasha's voice was fierce.

 "Eh, why are you shouting. Are you on your period? ” The blonde man laughed cynically.

 Natasha was very angry, not that she didn't know who the player was. Steve Rogers aka football Hollywood star. But Natasha didn't care who he was.

 “Are you too stupid? Don't know how to play football? Why do you kick the ball and hit people`s heads? You want my feet to reach your face? ” Natasha insisted on fighting even though she is too tiny and Steve was six feet tall.

 Steve laughed when he heard this little woman scold him. He was not immediately intimidated by Natasha's threats. She was like a puppy that barked loudly but was too cute. This woman with dreadlock hair reminds him of rapper Snoop Dog.

 “This is a football field, what do you expect? of course, the ball flying everywhere why are you so angry? If the ball hits your face that's a good sign. At least it can fix your face” Said Steve as his friends laughed as well.

 Natasha's face grew red. Then she tries to elbow Steve's. Steve wants to fight back but his friends stop him. They said he only looked like a coward if he hit a woman. Steve assured his teammates he would not use the physical.

 "You are too rude. Do you think you're good-looking? I know guys like you, playboys, and sleep with a lot of women. But the fact is you are nothing. No one loves you. They are just riding on your success. ” Natasha stared sharply into Steve's eyes. That's when Steve slightly faded his ego. Because the green woman's eyes were so beautiful Steve admitted it. But he returned with his ego.

 "I am not afraid of you. Your body is small. I can carry you and keep you in my pocket ”said Steve with a cynical smile.

 "You start first. Why don't you just apologize? ” Natasha doesn't understand.

 "If you are still not satisfied. What do you say we play a game? Whoever wins will have the right to ask the losers to do what they want. ” Steve wanted to challenge her.

 "What game?" Natasha asked

 “We play matches with five players per team like 5-A Side. We play on the East End outdoor field boys versus girls. What do you want to say? ” Steve is sure Natasha did not back down from a challenge.

 “Well, we will meet tomorrow at 5 after training. But you have to do what I want. Don't begging when you lose later ”Natasha did not hesitate to agree. She wanted to teach this man a lesson.

 "Fine, I will see you tomorrow Snoop Dog," Steve said while laughing at Natasha's reaction.

 Natasha’s teammate asks her if she seriously wants to fight with the men’s team. Natasha is sure they can win.

 "Nat, are you sure about fighting with male players. They are not ordinary players. They have just won the European League they are World-class players. Steve is a highly-skilled player. ” Her friend Yelena tries to change Nat's mind.

 "Hey, don't be afraid, we are also the best team in Europe. Male and female players are the same. What matters is the strategy to win. We are equal with them. After all, Rogers needs to be taught a lesson. If his team loses he and his team must wear a drag queen costume. Imagine how funny that is. ”Natasha was convinced

 "I think Steve is hot. How can you talk to him, if it happens to me I will be speechless ”said Yelena who is a Rogers fan

 ��Hey, don't you see that asshole? You didn't hear him call me Snoop Dog. ”Natasha cannot believe Yelena.

 Yelena continued to laugh out loud. She admits it's very funny. Yet Steve spoke the right thing. Natasha is not good at dress up. Many times Yelena wants to do a makeover with Natasha. But she rejected it because she thought the way she dressed was not important because the performance is what matters.

 “Really? You laughing. Well, his face is not bad. But on the condition that he cannot speak up. On his forehead he should be written Jerk, then people will stay away from him ”Natasha really hated Steve's sloppy mouth.

 "Nat, you have to be careful because too much hate can lead to love" Yelena teased

 "Hey you don't see us anymore we are the worst enemies from the past life"

 The next day.

 Natasha has selected five players including herself Maria, Wanda, Yelena, and Hope to represent her team. While Steve chooses Bucky, Sam, Scott, and Clint on his side.

 "You call me Snoop Dog, I also have a bad name for you" Natasha and Steve meet in the middle of the field before the match starts

 "What is it?" Steve stood with his hands on his hips

 “Barbie Kent. If your team loses you have to wear a women’s dress to the training session. You will definitely lose ”Natasha said confidently

 “Woww you are playing dirty now huh?. If your team loses you and your friends have to wash my car in a bikini ”Steve said with a smirk.

 Natasha should teach this man a lesson.

 Natasha’s team took the lead with a goal from Wanda. Steve initially wanted his friend’s not to play rough because they were girls. But after the goal, Steve told his teammates to use their full strength. After that, a lot of fouls ensued. Steve's team managed to score two goals from Steve`s. The match was not the most interesting but various incidents of fights between Steve and Natasha quarreling over various issues. Everyone was so depressed to see them both throwing hurtful words at each other. The sexual tension between them is very obvious. Before the end of the match, Natasha successfully scored an equalizer. She jumped for joy in front of Steve. Yet drama ensued when Natasha’s team asked the referee to consider a penalty when Bucky tackled Maria inside the box but was objected to by Steve. Eventually, they quarreled and everyone else was only able to see them quarrel. All the players have given up and just want to end the match. The result of the match ended in a draw. No one loses no one wins.

 “Why don't you two go in the room and just make love? Seriously that's the solution to your problem, ”Scott told them

 Their reactions were both disbelieving and showing disgusted faces thinking they were both going to have sex. Natasha definitely wants to vomit. Eventually, they returned to their respective homes feeling dissatisfied.

 Then every day Natasha bumps into Steve. Because they practice in the same building. Somehow every day will definitely come across. Natasha wanted to avoid seeing Steve's arrogant face. They will meet before entering the training ground, in the club cafe, in the gym, in the parking lot, in the elevator. Wherever they will surely meet. Every time Steve would tease Natasha he deliberately wanted to make her mad. Call her Snoopy, and ask when she will release a new rap song and so on. Of course, Natasha hates Steve’s jokes. Natasha will also ask where he is partying with the barbies.

 Steve's day was not complete if he didn't see the redhead's face every day. Natasha's face flushed when she was angry, her husky voice when she grunts, he loved hearing Natasha fight back when Steve teased her. She was a bit funny when angry, she was a little fierce but she looks cute when her face was red, she will bite her lips when she felt disgusted with the words Steve threw, it was a sexy lip for Steve. Also, her tiny size when trying to standing on her toes. Steve has met many pretty women, yet Natasha catches his eye. Natasha is not the same as other women. Honestly, Natasha is very beautiful but if she changes her appearance, surely many men will chase after her. Steve imagines she wearing a red dress with curly hair for sure he will be mesmerized. She is just as passionate about football as he is. Most of the girls he met were not interested in football. Steve searches all the information about Natasha on the internet and stalks her Instagram. His teammates knew Steve had lost his mind over the red-haired woman.

 But the question is does Natasha want to accept him? And how does he get started? The woman must have hated him so much.

 Then the football season is about to end, all the players will take a summer vacation. After that, they will join the national training camp in preparation for the World Cup. The Chelsea club hosted a Gala Night to award the club’s best players for the season. This season the club combines an awards ceremony for the men’s team and the women’s team.

 When Natasha Romanoff’s name was announced as the Women`s Player of the 2021 season she took on the stage. Steve and all his teammates were speechless as she wore a sexy red gown. Her hair was styled in a curled and she ditched her piercing. She's the most beautiful woman Steve has ever seen. Steve starts to feel jealous because all the men are focused on her. Steve doesn't like other men looking at his women.

 After Steve received the best player award for the third year he wanted to take his boots in the club boot`s storage room. But something unexpected happened Natasha was also there. Natasha thought Steve was going to make a nonsensical joke because of the dress she was wearing tonight. Natasha hates wearing it she was forced by Yelena. Yet Steve didn't say anything to her surprise.

 “Why don`t you say something, like a bad joke? Yelena picks this dress ”Natasha expected a response from Steve.

 “Why should I do that? Do you want me to fight with you until we are both old? ” Steve continued to pick up his boots on the top rack.

 Natasha came to stand behind Steve. “What is wrong with you today? This is not you. ”Natasha knew something was wrong

 “Do you know who I am? Do you really know me? ” Steve turned and stared into Natasha's eyes. Inside he wanted to drag the woman into his arms. Because she looks so pretty tonight. But he keeps his composure.

 The question startled Natasha.

 "I just don't understand why you like to fight with me. There are many more female players out there that you can choose to fight. ” Natasha still doesn't understand what Steve's intentions are.

 “You really want to know the truth. Well, I'll tell you now. Because I love to see your angry face, I love to see your red face, your lips, your staring eyes, your sexy voice, your feet when trying to stand on your toes, your style before kicking the ball. You are really cute. I like you Natasha ”Steve approached Natasha closer

 Natasha doesn't believe in Steve Rogers' words. Maybe he drank too much alcohol.

 "Actually I love you, Natasha Romanoff. All I do is to get your attention. ” Steve said as he stared into Natasha's eyes.

Then Steve grabbed Natasha's chin and kissed her lips. Natasha froze and couldn't resist the man's kiss. Then she realized and pushed him away and ran out of the room.

 When she returned home Natasha could not sleep. Her heart was pounding after being kissed by Steve Rogers. What the hell? Steve Rogers expressed his feelings to her. Natasha turned to the right and to the left trying to forget the man but in her heart, it was like in turmoil. She thought Steve hated her and she hated him too. Yet she turned out to be wrong and unable to resist his charmed. Kissed by Steve like she was struck by lightning.

 The next day Natasha and Steve meet again on the training ground. Natasha looked at Steve from a distance and waited if the man wanted to taunt her or laugh at her. But he was so different he just kept quiet and even stole Natasha's gaze when he thought Natasha wasn't looking at him. And when Steve and Natasha meet in the hallway Steve stares at Natasha's face. Like Natasha is the only person who is on his mind every day. Steve and Natasha just stood nearby and stared at each other. Their teammates bump them who were staring into each other’s eyes. Wondering what really happened between the two of them.

 A few weeks later Natasha and Steve flew to Qatar to compete in the World Cup. For the first time, the men’s team and the women’s team will compete at the same time. Natasha and Steve both focused on the biggest tournament of their careers. Natasha, who represented Russia, excelled in the competition. And her team managed to win the World Cup for the first time. But of course, attention is given to men's football. Steve Rogers stole the show by winning the golden boots award and Player of the tournament. Even though the USA only made it to the semi-finals, it was still an incredible achievement. Natasha watched the semi-finals matched in the stadium with the fans. Steve spotted the red-haired woman easily despite a hundred thousand people in the stadium. Natasha let her hair down and donned a USA jersey while cheering for his team.

 Natasha then turned around to show the jersey she was wearing with Rogers' name on the back. Steve smiled when he saw that and she giving him a flying kiss.

 After the match, Natasha and Steve met in the tunnel. Their teammates force them to acknowledge each other’s feelings.

 "I also really like you, Steve Rogers. So are we going to date now? ”Natasha asked Steve.

 "There are only two things in my mind that are football and you. You drive me crazy. Let`s date then ”Steve said while opening his both arms.

 Natasha who is only five feet three tall looks cute jumping to hug Steve Rogers who is six feet tall.

 "Even though I didn't win this match, but I won your heart," Steve said as he swings around Natasha on the air. Then they kissed in the tunnel of the football stadium. The kiss happened so passionately that they didn’t notice the photographer was taking a picture of them. The breaking news when the two big stars of world football are couple overshadow the story of the England team winning the World Cup.

 A few years later Steve Rogers and Natasha were about to get married and it became the wedding of the year as the union of the two best football stars in the world had sparked a phenomenon. All the tabloid newspapers have already started figuring out how their child will be born later because he or she is will definitely a great football player because of the DNA of both their parents.

[kashimos-hajime]

dear... whoever | b.b.

summary: a mandated series of long and short diary entries from the new head of R&D for Stark Industries. 

WARNINGS: swearing, LOTS of fluff, mentions of drinking and sex and hospitals and guns, general fun and witty attitude, small angst, big jealousy, obviously au after civil war. everything after does not exist. pairing: bucky barnes x fem!reader word count: 9.5k

a/n: written for @softbiker​ and 100% inspired by @sunmoonandbucky​ with the format. my prompt was let me love you by rita ora and i wrote it from the perspective the singer is singing it to rather than the actual singer. this was super fun to write. enjoy!

July 31/20

Dear…

Whoever is going to read this. So… me, in the future probably. So, it should be dear WHOMever, I think, but it sounds wrong.

Is it too cliché to say dear diary? I don’t know. After all, I don’t WANT to be writing this but unfortunately I am because it’s mandated. Apparently, the psychiatrist that works for Stark Industries thinks it’s necessary that I write down my feelings and show that I’ve adjusted to working part-time superhero, full-time head of Tony’s stupid R&D department.

Something about how that much stress can cause psychotic fractures in the worst case scenario.

Cute.

Anyway, I don’t know what to write. Currently, it’s 4:23AM. The only reason I’m awake is because I have trouble sleeping on the best night. I heard Barnes messing about and because I am the Hermit of the Rec Room Couch (catchy, I know), I can hear him just walking about.

What the hell is he even doing?

To be honest, I’ve never talked to Barnes besides the occasional greetings because he’s the sort to keep to himself, I guess, and, valid. I’m not saying it’s not, considering his history, but you know.

I think I’m a friendly person, and I’m bored. He’s eventually going to hear me writing noisily because of super-soldier hearing or whatever, so I might just get up and introduce myself.

Not that I’ve been working here for years, but whatever.

I’m really bored and hungry, honestly, so a trip to the kitchen would be considered normal (and warranted) in such circumstances.

Fuck it.

Time to make a new friend or die trying. If you never hear from me again, you’ll know why.

.

Aug. 1/20

Dear Jane,

I finally got the time to write in here and you may be wondering why I have named you. Well, after the conversation at roughly 4:30 AM, here are things that’ve changed in a disorganized list. None is more important than the other. I'm just writing what comes to my head.

One: Barnes said he doesn’t really let anyone call him James. I called him James once because I forgot. Profuse apologies followed. He said it was okay and didn’t mind me calling him that. Now, in my mind, I think he’s just saying this to be polite and really just wants me to call him Bucky but he seemed sincere. We’ll see how it goes.

Two: Barnes was awake because his cat woke him up. I didn’t even know he had a cat but it’s a gorgeous white cat named Alpine that Barnes carries around in his half-zipped up hoodies sometimes. It’s adorable. He’s super soft and friendly and I love him already. He showed me all the tricks Alpine could do. Amazing.

Three: Barnes’ favourite movie is the Godfather. Totally surprising there. Please tell me you understand sarcasm.

Four: He said he liked the name Jane when I told him what I was doing up and also in the rec room (couldn’t sleep, writing in my diary) and that I didn’t want to say “Dear diary”

“Why don’t you just give it a name?” he eloquently suggested and Jane was his answer to my question of “Which name?”

Five: Barnes, or James, I guess he is now, is my friend.

Six: We said we’d meet up at 4:30AM or earlier again because I told him I wanted to show him my s’mores dip recipe.

Seven: Wish me luck. Hope I don’t get murdered.

Eight: I think I might be in love with him.

Bye.

.

Aug. 5/20

Dear Jane,

In an effort to summarize what has happened in the past four days, I will open with the fact that James Buchana Barnes is the cutest motherfucker on the planet. He’s super old fashioned, but that’s a given. He opens the doors for me, offers to take my bags up, and in the past four days, we’ve met up at around midnight to just eat and chat. Then he walks me back to my room with a glass of water and I’m left fanning myself because it’s so sweet and he’s so sweet and OH, MY GOD, I am a child.

This feels like a crush. Like, butterflies in my stomach, self-conscious every time he looks at me, can’t stop staring, and wanting to impress him at every turn sort of crush.

AKA, a middle-school crush and I feel completely ridiculous but that is besides the point because he’s just the loveliest person.

Someone should tell him chivalry is dead. Steve thinks he’s just being sweet on me, and Sam says I should flash some ass just to get a rise out of him which would be funny. He’d look absolutely adorable blushing his head off.

We’ll see. I am considering it.

What else happened? I’m drawing a huge blank.

As explained in a previous entry, I was to show Barnes my s’mores dip recipe. Huge success. Crowd loved it. That’s how I learned he has a huge sweet tooth like me. Got an email from Pep about a board meeting which I ignored. If it’s really important, she’ll see me in person. Went swimming with Sam. We started planning Tony’s big Christmas party even though that’s MONTHS away.

But, you know. We’re so busy all the time, it might be worth it planning ahead.

As head of R&D, it’s vital to me that this goes well because they’re fun when they do go well, and a chaotic disaster when they don’t. Also, I have to find a date but details will follow.

I think that’s it.

If there’s more to follow, then I’ll just come back but there really isn’t.

Oh, Alpine found my room. He’s in here right now and he snores. It’s cute, just like his owner.

Okay, goodnight.

.

Aug. 7/20

Dear Jane,

Sam, James, and I went swimming.

Pro of the day: James is ripped and that man was GLISTENING.

Con of the day: I AM STUPID in front of hot ripped men.

Pro of the day: We got ice cream together. Strawberry for me, mango for James because he wants to try new flavours, and Sam ordered some monstrosity with vanilla ice cream, chocolate and raspberry syrups, and a bunch of banana slices. A swirl of whipped cream to finish it off. It looked like diabetes in a cup and that’s coming from me.

Con of the day: James used his thumb to wipe the ice cream off my lip and my brain short-circuited. Sam teased us about it, but James very stubbornly and convincingly said we’re just friends.

Con of the day x2: We are just friends and that is NOT going to change. I cannot explain how much my heart literally fell out of my body in disappointment.

God, and James and I are meeting up at 2AM tonight so he can show me this new stupid stuffed celerey recipe he learned.

It’s not stupid.

It’s really, REALLY cute he researched it.

This sucks.

.

Aug. 11/20

The worst day ever. I don’t want to talk about it but might as well make a note on it. More on it later, I guess.

.

Aug. 15/20

Dear Jane,

Sorry, I’m dramatic. Must get it from working with Tony for so many years.

Let’s just review what occurred on August 11, 2020, at approximately 3:23 in the afternoon.

I learned that James went out on a date. A DATE. From SAM. When James had ample opportunity to tell me at our regular meeting at witching hour over celery sticks.

EXCUSE ME? WHO IS THIS WOMAN?

I’m not even mad. I’m just angry that the man I became friends with only 2 weeks ago and caught feelings immediately for is seeing other people.

I sound like a raging bitch. I promise you, Jane, that I am not. I’m just the insanely jealous type.

No, I’m not.

God, what is happening to me and why does it have to be James.

I never get crushes and the instant I do, it’s for the most emotionally and physically unavailable person ON EARTH.

Also, work was work. I was distracted, drank soup from the canteen, and generally accomplished nothing. Alpine came for some snuggles while James was out. That’s the only good thing.

Thanks, universe.

.

Aug. 16/20

Dear Jane,

So, I brought up this mystery lady over homemade sundaes.

James seems pretty serious about her because he a) apologized for not telling because he wanted to keep it private and asked me not to tell anyone and b) has a second date with her later today.

Oh, GOD. There is no point to this.

.

Aug. 19/20

Dear Jane,

What’s the point of asking someone intimate, personal questions if not because you guys are best friends?

James called me his best friend today. He says he knows me, but if he did, he’d know I feel like throwing up whenever he’s around and that his stare burns through every layer of clothing until I feel like he just knows my secret.

I told him we’ve known each other less than a month, but he said something stupidly charming about “intuition” and feeling and that this feels right and how he knows he can tell me anything and that I was an easy person to talk to.

I should’ve been a shrink.

At least, my trip to Wakanda is going to give me distance. A solid two months of no one else but me, tech, and new faces. Going there to collaborate with Shuri is definitely exciting and taking up more space in my brain than James these days.

Maybe I’ll fall in love with some soldier over there because apparently, I’m catching feelings willy-nilly these days.

See you on the plane, Jane.

.

Aug. 23/20

Dear Jane,

On the quinjet, it’s fairly quiet. It’s one of the things I love about it. The silent yet soft engines that can lull me to sleep. We should be arriving in a few hours so I thought I’d write. I’m getting the hang of this, I think.

There's a press conference later, too, in the trip with the UN and it’s not that I can’t handle it, but that I could’ve done this in my sleep and wished Tony sent someone else. I hate the press, not gonna lie.

Anyway, this gives me time to be introspective.

Is it just me or James always Okay, is it just my imagination that whenever I try to get close to James, he just kinda pulls away? Not in a romantic way. I’m not stealing anyone’s man because girl code, but he won’t even let me just stand near him anymore. It’s like I have an infectious disease only transmitted through physical contact and it’s just weird.

I don’t know.

Before I left, he said he’d miss me and that we should keep in touch through calls (Obviously, I would) and that he hopes I won’t forget him.

So, you say those things but you won’t even let me even hug you?

You’re a manipulative asshole, Barnes.

.

Oct. 20/20

Dear Jane,

I am so sorry that it has taken so long for us to reunite.

In hindsight, I’m a fucking idiot.

I left you on the quinjet which went back to New York and a different quinjet came to pick me up. I came back like two days ago so these past few days have been spent searching for you.

James offered to help, and he seems normal again.

Weird. Guess he was just in a mood with the new girlfriend and adjusting to having me as a friend, too. Guys go through that, I guess.

In Wakanda, I did not, in fact, fall in love with a soldier or anything. I curse every day that I didn’t, trust me. I’m just as disappointed as you are because I just want to get over this stupid crush. For the two months I was gone, it was like I didn’t like James at all like that. Even during calls, I could pretend we were just two teammates keeping each other in the loop. He talked about his girlfriend, I listened, I explained science because he’s a nerd, and he asked questions like he was interested.

It was FINE.

Then, he was waiting for me when I came back to NYC and it slammed into me like Bruce in Hulk-mode.

James asked if I wanted to meet his girlfriend because she’d be coming around for the Halloween party anyway, and he thinks we’ll get along swimmingly.

He really said swimmingly. He is stuck in the wrong era, but we all knew that.

I said yes, to be polite.

Here’s to hoping she’s a vindictive bitch and I am justified in hating her entire being.

.

Oct. 22/20

Dear Jane,

I met her. She’s small and pretty and mature and normal.

If I wasn’t stupidly in my feelings about James, I’d love her, too. 

She’d treat him right, give him a good home to come back to.

Best not to notice the people fighting beside you in that way, I guess.

.

Oct. 25/20

Dear Jane,

God is dead and NO ONE has eyes on the road.

Jesus isn’t even taking the wheel on this one.

It’s a fucking disaster.

I do not want to describe in every little detail the intricacies of dreaming about James Buchanan Barnes fucking my brains out, so I won’t, but this is for the record that it happened and how the fuck am I supposed to come back and see him in his probably gorgeous attempt at his recreation of Brendan Fraser from the Mummy AKA my favourite movie (which HE KNOWS THAT IT IS?? GOD, the audacity.)

Girlfriend (his girlfriend. “Girlfriend” is the name which she shall be henceforth known as in these entries because petty wins are all I have right now) is dressing as Rachel Weisz. Because “couples goals” or whatever.

I wouldn’t know. Sam and I are dressed up as sexy salt and pepper shakers (his idea, not mine) and he made me take the salt stick because I think he knows. Steve’s not dressing up because he’s more focused on handing out candy as Captain America.

Tony is… Tony. Iron Man and all that.

Anyway, I’m out of town in DC for a meeting with the Secretary of State for a few days, but I’ll be back in New York on the 30th so I’ll have a few hours to adjust to being around James again before he dons on that outfit that I know will be totally hot.

He called me his best friend again in his latest email.

Made me smile like an idiot, but I digress.

.

Nov. 1/20

Dear Jane,

Halloween was killer. Sam and I won best duo for costumes because we’re that good. Ate a lot of candy and it seems to be looking up.

I dunno. I didn’t mind James and Girlfriend on the couch that much in the after-party. Mostly stuck by Nat and Sharon and Tony. An ood trio, but a fun one nonetheless.

It was fun, but I still have to go to work no matter how many jello shots and vodka gummy bears consumed.

Wish me luck, not that I need it.

Why do you think Tony hired me?

.

Nov. 4/20

Dear Jane.

Natasha said I smile at James in a way that utterly betrays every emotion I want to hide in my chest.

Note to self: Don’t smile at James, or at his jokes, or at anything he ever does again. Avoid him. Put a stopper on this friendship.

Note to note to self: I can’t. He just makes me smile whenever he’s around and he’s always around. There’s no simpler way to put it.

I’m gonna try this hiatus thing, though. Distance myself a bit. We’ll see how it goes.

.

Nov. 13/20

Dear Jane,

Day nine of this hiatus business and it sucks. I miss my best friend.

We’re scheduled for a mission together, and we’re leaving tomorrow so I was going to have to talk to him during the briefing and the op either way.

Well, glad to know this didn’t work.

.

Nov. 15/20

Dear Jane,

Guess who just got fucking shot!

ME!

Guess even scumbags can’t take a holiday because some stupid arms dealer got a cheap shot on me while I was downloading their whole computer system and other tech mumbo-jumbo I am too high to write about.

James left a few hours ago with the rest of the team, but not before he got me a bunch of ice chips and said he was worried and that he hopes I get better soon. He even promised to get me some flowers to spruce up the room and to say my HEART went CRAZY is an understatement.

He came to my rescue, essentially, as soon as he heard I got pinned. He carried me to the quinjet the instant he cleared the area and stayed by my side the whole time even though the bleeding stopped and I was in good hands. He was just so protective, barking at doctors and nurses. It was embarrassing but also really, really sweet.

Is it weird of me to say that I want him to stay by my side forever? 

I’ve never fallen in love before.

Is it always this fast and this hard? I feel like I’m crashing instead of gently and wonderfully falling. Everything is dumb and awful.

Is this what love is like? Because it hurts worse than getting shot because I think I’m going to vomit flowers or butterflies or something.

God, he’d never love me. We’re just friends and even though we have a lot in common, he’d never. It’s just too much of the past in the present or whatever.

Also, he has a girlfriend but it seems very surface-level. God, that makes me sound like a “one of the boys” type of girl who’s a bitch to one of the boy’s new girlfriends, but I don’t know. James told me they don’t really talk about the deep stuff like we do. But she makes him happy, I think.

In hindsight, one may ask what the deep stuff is.

More on that later. I’m tired.

God, why him?

I HATE THIS.

goodnight.

.

Nov. 16/20

Dear Jane,

James visited again today. He sat beside me and we talked until the nurses had to kick him out. He also brought the flowers.

I asked about Girlfriend casually. I said I liked her.

He said he did, too.

I don’t know why I think he’s lying. No, I do.

It’s because jealousy is the green-eyed bitch from highschool who still shows up in my life because she thinks she’s relevant to society.

That was mean. Unrequited love makes you mean. Side effect noted.

P.S. The deep stuff includes his past, his arm, his memory, his favourite colour. I dunno why that matters. It just does.

.

Nov. 17/20

Dear Jane,

Got out of the hospital today because of advanced technology and all that. Nothing’s left but a scar and residual soreness. James helped me to my room and said to call him if I had a problem.

I joked that he has a girlfriend and for some reason, he got really weird about it. It’s hard to describe. I dunno. Nat dropped by for popcorn and movies.

It’s 2:32AM. I’m wondering if he’s in the kitchen but I’m confined to bed rest so I don’t know. Also, Nat is asleep beside me and I don’t want to bother her.

Hopefully I can get up and move in a few days. Life is boring.

.

Nov. 24/20

Dear Jane,

Sorry we haven’t caught up in a moment. Work’s been hectic and I’ve been working overtime trying to make ends meet. Most days I’m in the office or lab, just trying to get enough things done so I can take time off come Christmas.

James stopped by tonight with Chinese takeout and some sweet buns.

He broke up with his girlfriend, too.

Guess that’s why he was being weird about it.

I tried being as casual as I could asking why, but he didn’t want to talk about it, so I asked why he came by. Couldn’t be for the company because when I’m in work mode, I just don’t talk and he knows that.

He said something about his arm feeling funny so I gave it a quick diagnostics check.

I think both of us knew his arm was feeling fine.

Everything is stupid, life is meaningless, and James’ lips are the prettiest shade of pink in the ugly lights of the lab.

I would very much like to have kissed him, but I didn’t.

Girl code.

It’ll probably be a while before I get another chance to actually have time and energy to write another diary entry. Christmas season’s coming close and Pepper is gonna need help with the party.

Yay, me.

.

Dec. 4/20

Dear Jane,

Morgan asked me in less eloquent words if I had a boyfriend (it was more like “You boyfriend?” But whatever. Who even taught her that word?) and I swear to GOD Nat could not make it anymore obvious looking at James.

Remind me to absolutely throttle her. I don’t care if she’s the infamous Black Widow. She has clearly never seen me hopped up on nothing but a negative amount of sleep and rage/embarrassment/spite/all of the above.

On another note, Pep asked if I was bringing a plus one for the party. I said I’d think about it. Normally I’d just take Sam but he has his eyes on someone at the VA and I like my friends getting laid so no go there.

Might just go alone. I don’t know.

Pep said I should take James, but I don’t really think she knows the truth about that situation. Luckily, Tony instantly rejected the idea and said he’d find me a date if I couldn’t.

Thank the universe for at least placing me in the close circle of the most well-known and richest man in the world because he also gave me his card and said go wild.

He knows me so well. I’m thinking about Christmas shopping when I have another free day, and I’ll pay for that with my own money, of course, but clothes shopping is a free market.

I cannot wait.

.

Dec. 12/20

Dear Jane,

I wish I could show you my haul, but I got so much stuff Happy had to drive to help me. Besides obvious gifts, I also managed to snag a gorgeous dress for the party.

Thoughts on black and gold?

I think it’s beautiful. Hopefully Nat and Sharon think so. We’re having a girls night tonight and showing off outfits, so that’s exciting.

James asked if we could meet up tonight.

I told him I had plans and he looked so downcast.

I dunno. Everything feels weird between us. Like we’re fine, we’re best friends still, but something’s changed when no one was looking. He’s single now. I guess that energy is different because I had gotten used to his energy with ex-Girlfriend.

I don’t exactly mind but it’s not ideal either. I miss summer. It’s much less complicated than winter. Winter, one has to worry about wind and chills and snows blocking roads, black ice, dry skin, freezing fingers.

Summer: there’s just a lot of sun, wind, bugs, and the vaguest notion of being bored.

Look, I love winter. It’s my favourite season. It’s quiet and gorgeous and dreamy, even though it gets dreary in New York. The snow falls slowly sometimes, Christmas is gorgeous here, and I’d rather be cold than sweating buckets, and there are no bugs to bother me. Also, it gives me a good reason to stay in the labs or in my room where it’s warm and toasty.

I just miss the relative simplicity when James and I were just strangers on the edge of being friends, which is, in retrospect, a selfish reason to like one season and hate another.

Well, some philosopher somewhere probably said something about humanity being selfish.

.

Dec. 16/20

Dear Jane,

T-minus nine days until the party.

No date in sight.

Maybe I’ll ask Anderson from HR. We had coffee together a few times and he’s nice. Good catch: smart, not too bad looking, and really nice. I’ll head down tomorrow and ask.

Alpine had purred when I told him my plan and headbutted my hand, so I guess I got the Alpine-Seal-of-Approval.

.

Dec. 17/20

Dear Jane,

Operation: Ask Anderson from HR to Tony’s Christmas Party failed. Granted, it could’ve been because that was a god awful title and that that name, in itself, prophesied catastrophic failure, but also because I was accosted by my best friend.

I wish I meant Sam.

Nope. James caught me in the elevator and we made small talk. Sounds fine, right? Then we turned the topic to the party. Talked about clothes and prospective celebrity appearances and drinks and food. Just about everything, so might as well turn to talks about dates, which meant I had to explain why I was in the elevator in the first place.

Going down to ask Anderson ended in James revealing that he didn’t have a date either.

He doesn’t know who Anderson is, which I thought would be the case, and he popped the question before the doors opened.

Notice how I said “didn't” have a date.

Guess who’s going to the party with James, clearly stated as friends, platonic soulmates, etc.?

Me.

Yippee.

.

Dec. 18/20

Dear Jane,

It’s 3:42AM and I’m in the rec room as usual. I was gonna not write here today but it normally helps me sleep to just write a bit, get what little thoughts are in my head out. Yeah.

I hear James in the kitchen talking to Alpine and it’s making me smile like an idiot.

Oh, shit, he knows I’m in here. He’s making milkshakes.

I am morally obligated by best friend duties to join him.

Goodnight, Jane.

.

Dec. 24/20

Dear Jane,

I’m not sleeping with James Buchanan Barnes tomorrow night.

This is a resolute promise. An early New Year’s resolution.

.

Dec. 25/20

Dear Jane,

Merry Christmas! 

In between jovial festivities, I’ve finally found a little nook that’s quiet enough to write in. We opened presents, had a big family breakfast, went skating and just lounged around, and frankly, I’m exhausted. Need to recharge the old social battery.

Among the assortment of gifts is one that stands out to me. James got me a gift that said “Open When Alone” and I did before I started this entry and it was a fucking necklace. Like, a gorgeous one. It’s gold and thin and it feels wonderful. There’s a little cat paw charm on it and it’s so pretty because he has a matching bracelet for himself and I have still not yet recovered.

It’s just so sweet and it reminds me why I love him.

Yes, love has made me unbelievably sappy. I just heaved the biggest sigh in history.

Unfortunately, I have to go earlier tonight. To the party, as written in previous entries. I remember my oath of one-night celibacy and I intend on keeping it, despite how fucking endearing this gift was, because he said it best: we’re just friends. I’m not about to coerce my best friend into sleeping with me out of a piteous, unrequited love. That’s just gross.

You will either see me hungover tomorrow, or very drunk later tonight. It’s all very depending on how this night turns out.

.

Dec. 26/20

Dear Jane,

Fuck.

P.S. He REALLY does not mind me calling him James. Take that as dirtily or as clandestinely as you wish.

.

Dec. 27/20

Dear Jane,

I spent the entire day in bed with very pleasurable company.

I am SO GLAD we haven’t gotten called in because James doesn’t leave unless to go to sleep in his own bed or to eat, and I do NOT want to explain to the team that James fucked my brains out for two days straight because my heart is bursting.

He’s a good kisser. His lips are soft.

Intimate knowledge of that is now burned into my memory for future reference.

God, this is a dream come true. He doesn’t even question it, he just

It’s like I’m a goddess to him. He treats me like one, at least, and it’s like he’ll do anything I ask. And we act like it’s normal, too. Midnight trips to the kitchen included.

Best Christmas ever.

.

Dec. 28/20

Dear Jane,

I feel like I’m ignoring you but I’m also having the best sex of my life. He’s just… so fucking good and it’s a holiday and holy shit my mind is blown.

Love at first meeting isn’t real.

Well, maybe this one time, it was destiny.

.

Dec. 29/20

Dear Jane,

It isn’t just the sex, you know? It’s the pillowtalk, too. He just makes me laugh so much and everything is so easy between us and it feels real. Popcorn and chips in bed, some mojitos, just each other’s presence. It’s enough like that, you know?

Some quote about how the one you love should be both your lover and your best friend is in my head but I’m too lazy to look it up. James’ head is in my lap and he’s just reading while I’m writing and everything seems perfect.

He doesn’t ask what I’m writing because he knows it’s private and I trust him.

This is perfect.

I think I really am IN love with him.

.

Jan. 1/21

You know that cliché/tradition of New Year’s kisses?

WELL THEN.

Best (and worst) New Year’s ever. I’ll explain more later. I’m too tired and too angry and also sore and bruised.

See you when I’m not hungover.

.

Jan. 5/21

Dear Jane,

I’m finally stable enough to write.

In a crazy turn of events, Barnes and I got into a fight because of what happened after New Year’s Day’s events: I caught him leaving before I woke up and at first, curious questions ensued, and it wasn’t a fight but then it became one and I don’t even know how it happened. I wasn’t even mad. He just started being weird and I got annoyed and we tried and failed to keep our voices down. Luckily, my room is pretty soundproof.

Things just got out of hand and I feel like tearing my hair out. I wanna storm up to him and just yell some more.

Tony came into my room and didn’t say shit about my hickies and the fact that James is avoiding me like the plague. He gave me a really good hug, though and then gave me a few weeks off extra. I don’t know how he knows, but then again, it’s Tony.

He just said love’s tough sometimes.

Yeah, tell me about it.

I’m thinking about just taking a long vacation and disappearing. It seems like a good route to take at this point.

.

Jan. 6/21

Dear Jane,

James is looking at me right now as I write this. I wonder if I should look back or if he’s going to come up to me. We’ll see.

I’m only writing this so it seems like I’m busy. I’m running out of things to say, honestly. Can he just go? What’s the point in staring like that? What’s the point?

I could ask myself the same question. What’s the point in loving someone who’ll never love you? Yeah, he’s sleeping with me but he pulls away every time I try to do something more. Outside the bubble of my room and the small time frame of post-11PM to around 4:45AM, he acts like he’s allergic to intimacy.

It was never like that with ex-Girlfriend.

Maybe it’s something to do with me.

I don’t know, but he keeps looking and I want to get up and leave, but I won’t. I’m not gonna let him win.

.

Jan. 6/21

He didn’t. He just went out. Sam and Steve asked if I was okay because as soon as he left, I got up for the bathroom and screamed into a towel.

I don’t think either of them knows what’s going on, but they have a notion.

.

Jan. 9/21

Dear Jane,

He apologized. Still no explanation as to why, but it feels weird.

I told him I’m going on a vacation to Switzerland. Go skiing or something and asked if he wanted to come.

It was stupid to ask, but he said yes.

Shit.

.

Jan. 14/21

Dear Jane,

Switzerland is lovely.

No work is relaxing. Awkwardness between me and the other traveller on this vacation. Weather’s supposed to be nice when we get there. Sunny snow days, pretty mountains, other Swiss things.

No other comment.

.

Jan. 21/21

Dear Jane,

I lasted all of a week.

Yep, I slept with him again, and yes, he was back in his hotel bed come sunrise.

I dunno. I’m over it. We don’t apologize and hope everything gets back to normal because neither of us want to say anything to ruin it any further and we both have a major fear of the complicated. To be fair, he said he didn’t want to sleep with me if I was completely against it.

Also, I tried calling him Bucky at dinner like ex-Girlfriend (and everyone else) does and he made the most disgusted face.

He said, and I quote, “Bucky? When did I stop being James?”

I told him I was trying something out and he said it failed. Snarky bastard.

I guess if he’s still James, that must mean I’m still special.

That’s the Tony-inherited ego talking.

But it does make me exceptionally happy to play with the idea that I’m special to him. Best friend with convoluted benefits. Sounds like the title of a very long-winded self-help book that doesn’t really help much but that does sound like the story of my life so I can’t complain too much.

We’re going home in a few days.

I’ll probably sleep with him again. Bet Steve’s shield that I do.

.

Jan. 24/21

Dear Jane,

I get three Steve’s shields because I was right every single fucking day.

He’s like a habit I can’t quite kick and don’t really want to.

We snuggled afterwards last night. His arm was around my shoulders, we were naked, I was resting my head on his chest. For a moment, it felt like something couples do and then I fell asleep and woke up alone.

Quantum physics is easier to understand than this but I think we’re being mutually exclusive right now, so it’s almost dating.

I dunno. I don’t mind it anymore. It’s better than nothing.

.

Feb. 2/21

Dear Jane,

I’m absolutely miserable.

I’m still getting laid, but that’s not related. Correlation and causation or something.

Why is New York so dreary and when can everything just stop?

I don’t know. Winter is ending and now it’s in that awful transition phase between seasons and it’s mucky and rainy and disgusting. Tony got these limited edition ice cream flavours though so I’m gonna ask James if we can make milkshakes out of them or something.

He doesn’t like the muck either. That’s not really relevant, I guess.

.

Feb. 14/21

Dear Jane,

I got flowers and chocolate from the department because I think they can sense I’ve been in a bad mood since forever. Then, there was an anonymous delivery and inside was this gorgeous chain bracelet that matches the necklace sort of. I lied and told the department it was from Pepper.

What a wretched holiday.

Yours truly.

.

Feb. 18/21

Dear Jane,

Normally, when boys get their haircut, they look ugly for a day or two after.

Not James.

He got his hair cut shorter and he looks really good. Like unbelievably good. Short hair fits him just as much as long hair does.

No other observations.

.

Feb. 25/21

Dear Jane,

It was Morgan’s birthday party today. James came in one of those brown jackets with the sheepskin wool inside and he looked so good. We mainly stayed apart to prevent any dalliance because one does not disappear from the Madame Secretary’s birthday party and the team doesn’t really know what’s happening behind the scenes except for Nat and Tony, really.

I really wanted to kiss him in front of our friends. I caught him staring a few times, and every time, the smile seemed to vanish off his face.

I’m lying in bed and it feels pretty empty.

It occurs to me that I’ve been in love for a pretty long time and I’m not even in a relationship with the guy.

Energy could’ve been devoted to so many other things and I’d hate being in love if it weren’t for the fact that it’s James.

Again, love making me sappy and all that.

.

Feb. 28/21

Dear Jane,

Jane is such a common name. Some would call it plain yet it means gift from God.

I wonder if James knew that.

.

Mar. 10/21

Dear Jane,

It’s James’ birthday. Birthday sex is a requirement and a desire. I also got him a gift which is a pair of new black Timbs. I hope he likes them. I’m excited for cake, I guess. Morgan did my makeup but I’m gonna have to wipe it off for the small little party tonight.

I think, ordinarily, I’d be in knots because it’s James’ birthday and I love him and he’s my best friend, but I just don’t know. March is fairly boring and contemplative and rainy. Work is work. Helen Cho did a presentation on her Cradle technology. Very cool.

.

Mar. 20/21

Dear Jane,

It’s raining and doesn’t feel like spring. Alpine vomited on my bed a few days ago because he’s not feeling well. James and I took him to the vet and he’s on antibiotics. Poor boy. He’s sleeping in the corner of my room right now while James is away on a mission. I think I’ll just work from my room for a bit until he’s feeling better.

Nothing much to report, which is why I didn’t write anything. The month passed by too quickly. James should be back by the end of the month. I miss him and not because of the sex. No one else who doesn’t work for me or pays me listens to me ramble on their own free will. Talking to screens just isn’t the same.

.

April 1/21

James got back really early this morning and I, by tradition, was awake. I sort of wish I wasn’t though. In true April Fool’s tradition, I made fun of him for being a day late to which he genuinely apologized. I told him to shower and get to sleep but he was in that mood where you’re so exhausted you’re wide awake.

James suggested we make really strong cocktails for each other as a celebration for an extraction mission completed successfully.

Who am I to say no to celebrating?

He really likes grapefruit juice so I made a REALLY strong Grapefruit Paloma. He made this really interesting drink that was purple and tasted like oranges and cranberries. A lot of blue curacao was in it so it was pretty bitter but it hit like a fucking truck which is probably why I didn’t understand anything he said at first.

He told me he loved me.

I think, somehow, he managed to get drunk after the Grapefruit Paloma and two more bottles of vodka. Don’t ask me how because Steve NEVER gets drunk. Maybe HYDRA-brand serum is faulty? I don’t know.

I asked if he knew what date it was. He laughed really loudly, said no, realized, stuttered apologies and then said it again.

It was the most perfect sound in the world and it was the best moment in recent history.

Or, the sickest practical joke.

Consensus not yet reached.

.

April 2/21

Dear Jane,

I asked if he remembered what happened yesterday morning.

He did not.

Sickest practical joke confirmed.

.

April 9/21

Dear Jane,

I’ve been avoiding writing because I’ve felt a whole lot of nothing. Everything is abysmal and James’ confession is all I can think about. Tony’s on my ass about slipping and he has half the mind to put me on paid leave until I get my shit together, both as the head of the department and as an agent.

Drunk words are sober thoughts, all that garbage.

I wish I could live my whole life drunk and honest. Maybe then I wouldn’t be in this situation where I’m stuck in eternal limbo with my best friend whom I’m in love with. Minus the drunk part.

Duty demands I return to this weathered journal until it’s finished so we’ll see. I might be back this month. Maybe not.

.

May 1/21

Dear Jane,

It rained a lot in April so now the flowers are blooming early. April showers bring May flowers. Guess it has some merit to it.

Limbo sucks. Its inescapable nature, its terrible facade of everything seeming fine when it really isn’t.

Of course, James still makes me smile, but nothing seems really okay when I let myself stop for a second.

I’m going out with Steve to a charity thing tomorrow. Should be a few hours worth of not thinking and free booze. Oh, and James and I made out in one of the quinjets after dinner today.

Felt weird considering we aren’t a couple, but it happened spontaneously as that is the nature of our relationship, it appears.

The cause also happens to be the cure of melancholy. Weird.

.

May 6/21

Dear Jane,

For context, it’s 5:23AM.

Went for a walk in Madison Square and then Central Park with James yesterday, although in my head it’s still today. We met up with Nat for some training at the gym. Got a bit mobbed by fans and the paps who asked if we were dating like we’re the tabloid’s biggest scoop.

We weren’t even holding hands, but I guess it’s just another reason why we shouldn’t be TOGETHER together in public.

We had another deep stuff talk again in bed after the usual business. I wanted to ask what this is between us and if he’s pursuing other options, because I’m not and I wanted to know if I should, but I also didn’t want to ruin the vibe.

He was in a good mood today, and seeing as sometimes he has nightmares, I thought it was best I don’t ruin it. He thinks I don’t notice but how do I not notice? He’s my best friend.

I kissed his cheek when he got up to leave and he kissed me goodbye on the lips.

I guess that means something.

.

May 17/21

Dear Jane,

In a moment of complete boredom, I listened to Imagine Dragons’ new album. It wasn’t too bad, to be honest, but Sharon thought it could’ve been better. Whatever.

.

May 22/21

Dear Jane,

Ran into ex-Girlfriend today. She still has that whole sunshine thing going on still. We had coffee and she asked if I got together with James yet.

I choked on my coffee and nearly died on the spot.

That’s how I learned that James apparently broke it off softly and ex-Girlfriend had, very wisely and knowingly, said that he should chase the apple of his eye before I (the apple) rotted alone and forgotten at the trunk of the tree. Or, as any sane person would say (and ex-Girlfriend DID say), get picked from the tree by another hand.

She said it was quite obvious that I was in love with James even months ago. She also thanked me for being so nice, anyway, and that it must’ve been difficult. What a fucking SAINT.

I set her up with a date with Steve because they have the same energy, honestly, and that’s going down on the 26th barring any emergencies.

Call me Cupid, but I think I just constructed the perfect match made in heaven.

Mentioned this meeting to James minus the apple detail. He asked if she was doing okay, which she was, and seemed glad for that. Between kisses and his sneaking hand beneath the covers, he also asked if there was anything else. Not really much to say on that front.

.

June 3/21

Dear Jane,

It’s starting to dry up consistently, now. It’s getting warmer, too. Sam brought me flowers and told me to at least turn the air-con on if I was gonna be stuck in the lab all day. Oh, the simplicities of summer are hopefully returning. Got out early and hung out with Morgan at the park in the evening.

It’s nice to hang out with someone so blissfully unaware with the stupidity of love. All Morgan cares about is grass and buttercups she grabs from the ground. She doesn’t have to worry about how to tell the guy she’s in love with that she loves him.

Oh, didn’t you hear? Nat said I should just buck the fuck up and tell him.

And Nat is scary when not listened to.

Much to brainstorm about.

.

June 14/21

Dear Jane,

Just here to brainstorm some ideas for future Stark Industries projects and thought I’d preface it with a small diary entry. Nothing really happened. Work’s catching up for some reason and bad guys are acting up. I’ve pulled a few all nighters, not gonna lie.

Really tired, but in a good, productive way. Haven’t thought much on the James front. Gonna have to focus on that after everything calms down.

.

June 20/21

Dear Jane,

It’s officially summer and yet today was awful with only subtle hints of being okay.

So much for simplicity.

In the evening, I read on the hammock on the balcony. No one really bothered me except James, but he’s never a bother.

Steve and ex-Girlfriend (who will now be reidentified as Girlfriend) are pretty cute, and she meshes well with the group. There’s nothing really awkward between her, James, or me, so I guess two people’s summers are going well. Bully for them.

Didn’t really eat. Was too busy working. James got me dinner. Didn’t feel right and just kept working. This whole agreement between us has been very flexible but we really need to fit in a session soon.

I’ll make it work somehow.

.

June 22/21

Dear Jane,

I got my wish and didn’t at the same time. We spent the whole day in the sheets (very blissfully relaxing) and I, stupidly and with very little sleep, let it slip.

In less elegant terms, I told him I loved him. It felt very real and genuine and very-out-of-a-movie, but his reaction was less so.

What did I say? Allergic to intimacy.

He tried to play it off as best friends and even that was uncomfortable, but I, very seriously and very foolishly, corrected him that “no, James Buchanan Barnes, I am IN LOVE with you.”

He left a few minutes ago, saying something about heading down to the gym, but I know he’s just trying to avoid me.

God, how am I so stupid?

.

June 25/21

Dear Jane,

I haven’t seen James in a few days. I thought he was avoiding me but turns out he’s out of the country. Something about protection for whatever dignitary is travelling at the end of the month. I don’t know.

I wasn’t assigned to that op so the details weren’t shared liberally. Sam just said it’d be a while during the ambassador’s entire stay. High threat level which is why the Avengers were contracted.

I just hope he stays safe. I know he probably took off to take his mind off things, but I don’t know how he’s focusing when all I can think of is those three little words.

I love you.

Seems so fake the more I hear it in my head, but his reaction was so real that I think I might’ve just irreversibly messed things up.

.

July 12/21

Dear Jane,

It’s been a hectic couple of weeks. If future me finds this with blotted words, it’s because I am indeed crying while writing this.

James was medically evac’ed last night and transferred back to New York. Helen Cho was flown in from her medical conference in Minnesota where she was showcasing the newest version of the Cradle.

There was an assasination attempt and James is fucked up bad.

Holy shit, I’m so scared. I’ve never been so scared in my life. It’s like an invisible demon has my heart in his claw-like hands and he’s squeezing with all his might. I think my heart might explode.

I just want to hold his hand but he’s so high risk no one’s allowed to see him right now.

The waiting room is too quiet. Steve’s holding on to Girlfriend’s hand so hard I think her bones are broken but she’s taking it like a champ. Nat’s pacing, slowly patting a sleeping Morgan who she’s carrying. Sam and Tony are talking about stuff.

It’s too quiet.

I’m so scared.

.

July 13/21

They got him into the Cradle. Thank God. I think I might cry some more out of relief, but he was conscious for a few minutes earlier and he’s stable now.

It’s really late at night but they extended privileges to me to stay with him so I’m just sitting here, writing. Listening to the Cradle do its thing and the monitors do theirs.

When he was conscious, I was with him. He said some stuff under his breath but the one thing I could make out was “I’m an idiot.”

Granted, he’s right. It was supposed to be Steve or Tony on that mission. You know, people with more defense op experience, but he had to go out and volunteer himself.

I feel sort of guilty.

It’s partially my fault, isn’t it?

I think I’ll try to tuck in for tonight. I wanna be awake when he wakes up, too.

.

July 14/21

Dear Jane,

James woke up today. He’s still in the Cradle (lots of internal damage spread throughout the body) but he’s conscious. He saw me and immediately tried to sit up which was sweet, but when he couldn’t, he just told me to come closer and then told me that he loved me.

I called him an idiot for running away. I told him he really scared me. I told him that I loved him so fucking much. I told him that I feel so guilty and he just held my face and said that it will never be my fault.

He’s so fucking romantic, even when he’s lying down with a wound being stitched closed live in front of my eyes.

Oh, and he kissed me. I don’t think I noticed how much I actually missed him until that moment.

I don’t know how to describe the feeling in my chest. It’s a mixture between super happy and super scared and super, super warm inside. Summer might be looking up.

.

July 18/21

Dear Jane,

We got home today. James is staying in my room. The team doesn’t say anything about it. We’re best friends, after all, but I think they’ve known for a long time that there’s something more. Some of them are just too polite to say so.

I won’t have much time to write over the next couple of days. James has to be kept on a strict, extremely healthy diet and medicine regime.

I don’t care. I’m just glad he’s home.

He’s kissing me a lot more, now. Alpine likes the fact that his two humans are now in the same room. He purrs so loudly, I can hear him from where he’s dozing, curled up underneath James’ chin. He (James) is resting after his second round of antibiotics for the day while I work from my room, and sometimes I catch myself looking back just to make sure he’s okay.

I’m going to go kiss him now.

Be right back.

.

July 21/21

Dear Jane,

It’s almost Nat’s birthday (the 26th). Super exciting. James is back on solids and I’m helping him around with walking. Even with the Cradle and the healing factor, he’s still super banged up, so it’s better safe than sorry.

We had a really long talk about love and stuff. It’s good to finally have it out in the open. It was mostly me talking about my side of things and he just nodded a lot. I know he was listening though.

We also kissed a lot, like seventeen year old couples who are heavy on the PDA, but within the privacy of my room. I dunno. I like the heat of his arms and the way he kisses the shell of my ear when he’s bored or it’s a commercial break.

It feels very natural.

I am very much in love with him.

I tell him that and he always looks skeptical, but whatever. He doesn’t have to say it back (I tell him that there’s no pressure) and he’ll get it through his thick skull eventually that he’s now stuck with me.

.

July 25/21

Dear Jane,

We made cookies in the early AM as tradition for the party tomorrow and I told him that I love him (again, but this time he didn’t run, nor has he the past few times. Fantastic).

While the cookies were baking, he explained everything on his side of the story: how he was scared to be vulnerable, how opening up to me is just different and new and scary and I get it. I really do. I know how it feels to think you don’t deserve good things and sabotage feels like the only way to save everyone from hurt.

He smiled a lot more after that. I guess he’s just glad I get it.

One day, I’ll successfully convince James that he deserves everything good this world has to offer.

Until then, I’ll just keep trying.

P.S. He said, with less hesitation than the first time, that he loves me, too. Best. Day. Ever.

P.P.S. The cookies are so good and I want to devour them all. I could barely stop James from eating all of them. Again: Best. Day. Ever.

.

July 26/21

Dear Jane,

In summary of today:

Happy birthday, Natasha.

James has been given the clear bill of health which is exciting. Also, I asked him about the Jane and gift of God thing.

He knew. “Intuition” and all that. He also said I looked “like a royal dame” in my swimsuit. Smug idiot just trying to be charming.

I love him and that’s the only reason it works.

Back to the festivities.

.

July 27/21

Dear Jane,

Good morning to you and to James who’s still in my bed at a ripe 6:23AM, fast asleep.

Progress. Now, back to sleep.

.

July 27/21

Dear Jane,

It’s now 9:49AM and James greeted me with orange juice and waffles. He said I was cute when I slept. Creep.

He also said he tried so many times to stay in my bed after, before we were like we are now, but he never could, and now he’s upset that he missed out on my cute sleeping/waking up for the day face every time he did so.

He is exceptionally cute when he’s pouting.

I think we’re officially boyfriend-girlfriend, but we’ll work out the semantics on that later. For now, it’s another summer day together. He suggested Chinese takeout for dinner because I have to go dip back into the lab later today to check on some samples.

I agreed and he kissed me in promise like it was our “thing.” I can’t stop smiling like an idiot.

Massive progress.

.

July 28/21

Dear Jane,

He told me I was the only one for him.

Also, he kissed me in front of our friends for the first time. Natasha yelled “FINALLY” and pushed us into the pool. Sam laughed and then I grabbed him and threw him into the pool. Ensuing: a water fight for the ages.

For a day: 10/10

.

July 31/21

Hey Jane,

I think I’m happy.

I’m sorry I ever doubted the effects of writing down my feelings.

James has a romantic trip to uptown planned for our first date and he said it’ll take the whole day so I thought I’d get this entry in the morning. I dunno. It’s really early and the happy thought was the first thing that came to my head.

Weird, but it’s a good weird.

See you in a bit.

[midethefangirl]

Captain America: Civil War - My Thoughts

I know this is like 5 years late but for this, I’d like to resurrect a barely dead discourse that succeeded in not just dividing the Avengers but also dividing the fandom. Before we start, content warning for spoilers and let’s dive into this mess.

So, basically, the entire conflict of civil war stemmed from General Thaddeus Ross (who is a hypocritical dick, btw) coming to lecture the Avengers on being destructive despite conducting destructive experiments (ahem, the Abomination and the Hulk) but I digress. Then, Ross presents the Sokovian Accords which is really lengthy and we see Steve reading like a few chapters(?). Now, let us note that the Accords were presented to the Avengers after a mission-gone-wrong killed about 11 people in Lagos (lay-gos, not lah-gos that pronunciation gave me headaches as a Nigerian).

So, the Sokovian Accords were written by 117 countries and vetted by the UN asking for the Avengers to be under oversight (which SHIELD would have done if HYDRA hadn’t infiltrated it in the first place but it is what it is). Somehow, Steve made it about “our right to choose” (how?! Cause I’m not understanding) and decided to not sign*.

*he later got back to sign, then backed out when he learnt that Tony had placed Wanda under house arrest (even though it was for her protection. I do believe Tony should have fully informed Wanda about keeping her in the Avengers’ Tower)

My issues with the plot of Civil War are:

1. The Sokovian Accords were not read out loud or placed on some kind of PowerPoint slide for the audience to understand why Team Cap is against the Accords. No, the fandom wiki is not a source because that one is from Agents of SHIELD and not a lot of MCU fans are familiar with that show (yours sincerely included). Assuming the contents were read out loud or discussed by the Avengers, I’d have understood why Team Cap refused to sign the accords but since none of that was given, I’d remain Team Iron Man for this one.

2. The Sokovian Accords is not the American Constitution. Then again, the MCU fandom tends to be American-centric and most Americans seem to have this belief that the world revolves around them (and it manifests itself in Civil War discourse).

3. Contrary to popular opinion, the Sokovian Accords were about 117 (mostly third-world) countries asserting their sovereignty and boundaries, not taking away rights from the Avengers. If we go by what the MCU wiki claims about the accords, yes, some parts are absurd (like asking for blood samples and using trackers, why are those necessary?). However, when 117 countries state that they want you to respect their boundaries, I think it is best to comply. Unfortunately, respecting boundaries is one thing the USA has a problem complying with and guess who happens to represent America?

4. The Accords affected only their hero lives, not their lives as a civilian. I doubt the UN would limit the Avengers’ movements as civilians

5. Let us not forget how Steve and Clint protect Wanda from accountability and responsibility. Wanda in the MCU is like y/n in many fanfics where everyone (except for the “big bad villain” who in this case is Tony and 117 countries) seems to love her and want to protect her from facing the consequences of her actions. Anyone *ahem Tony* who has a bit of problem with her is suddenly the enemy. Not to mention how Wanda seems to have a knack for causing destruction in African countries (Johannesburg, Lagos, Wakanda)

6. And fandom behaviour from the Team Cap stans

7. Also, why is Civil War not an Avengers part 3? It’s better than making it a Captain America trilogy and then trying to frame Steve as being right.

8. I do believe that the accords were sped up which left little time for the Avengers to discuss and compromise on certain issues. If they were given more time to discuss, compromise and negotiate, I think the movie would have ended better than it had.

9. In addition, I also agree with Team Cap stans on how the UN arbitrarily deciding to shoot Bucky on sight is a human right violation.

10. “The safest hands are our own” why does this sound like a white saviour talk point from Steve? The accords is about 117 countries wanting you to respect their boundaries and the best you can come up with to refute that is saying something a white saviour would say?

11. “Even if the whole world is telling you to move...” just shut the fuck up, this is no way comparable to 117 countries trying to assert their sovereignty.

12. Look if I have to choose between surrendering a few rights as a hero and just dismissing that of civilians as potential damage, I’d go with the former because the people whom I’m suppose to protect come first. For me to dismiss their deaths as “we can’t save em all” is just not it.

13. “She’s just a kid”, a few years later and I still hate that term. One, it’s infantilizing an adult white woman (something white men have historically done and we all know how that went) . Two, while Tony was obviously wrong for not informing Wanda about her house arrest, he was right to keep her in the Tower when they were people who would harm her with every chance they could find. **

** after watching WandaVision, some people might find every reason to want to harm her.

14. Let us also discuss the motivation of those in Team Iron Man vs Team Cap

Team Iron Man

Tony: feels guilty for the events of Age of Ultron, believes that he’s stepped out of line and the Avengers need oversight.

Natasha: believes that the Avengers should listen to the public and the UN after all, if they had one hand on the wheel, they can still steer.

Vision: believes that the Avengers as a whole bring challenge which brings conflict and then catastrophe.

Rhodey: a soldier; believes in following orders especially when it is from the UN and 117 countries.

T’Challa: dude is just there to kill Bucky. I’m sure if Bucky was on team Ironman, my guy would have joined team cap, lmao 😂.

Spider-Man: not really there for a reason except to bring in Steve to Ross. I do agree that Tony shouldn’t have dragged him to the fight without Peter making an informed decision.

Team Cap

Steve: didn’t want to sign because it takes away his “right to choose”. Idk what that means or how it is relevant to the Sokovian Accords but okay. However, I understand his mistrust considering a few movies ago, we found out HYDRA had infiltrated SHIELD and as much as I believe governments are corrupt and the UN is shit, you cannot just enter a country anyhow without warning ahead of time.

Bucky: was his motivation given? I mean, I believe he joined Steve’s side to stop Zeno from unleashing the other winter soldiers. Not that that’s a bad reason, it isn’t.

Sam: again, I don’t think the movie gave us a reason for him being against the Accords. Did he also believe it was taking away his “right to choose”?

Wanda: undecided as of moment of discussion. Joined team cap because Tony placed her on house arrest. While I agree that Tony should have informed her that he was putting her under house arrest and stated the reasons why, I believe it was for good reasons especially when some people might decide to carry out witch hunts (you get it, witch hunts? 😅)

Clint: only joined because Wanda was placed under house arrest. We aren’t given any reason why he would oppose the Accords.

Scott: fan boy of Captain America, need I say more?

15. Also, to Team Cap stans blaming Tony Stark for Team Cap being imprisoned, grow the fuck up. The people in Team Cap are all adults who made their own decisions yet Tony is to blame for them breaking the law (because they did break the law), wtf.

16. “Are you capable of letting go of your ego for one damn second?” Like Steve’s ego didn’t play a part in all this too, lmao.

17. Okay, the final battle was intense and while I believe Bucky was also a victim, I can understand why Tony lashed out at him. The one to blame here is Steve because even if he had no clue Bucky was responsible for the Starks’ death, he still lied to Tony by not telling him who was responsible. It is more appalling to learn that Steve, in an attempt to “protect Tony and Bucky”, was actually covering for HYDRA!

Also, the way Steve stood emotionless while Tony watched a footage of his parents being killed. Yet, he could shield Wanda from watching the news because of how it affected her, okay.

“I can do this all day”, fuck you, Steve

18. Clint exploding at Tony is so fucking hilarious. Tony is right, Clint has a family yet he decided to fight in a war that didn’t concern him. Also, his comments about breaking backs is so tone deaf after Rhodey just broke his back!

19. If Sam was Captain America, I think Civil War wouldn’t have happened at all, from the dialogue in the Raft.

20. Overall, this movie is a fucking mess and I hate it for dividing both the Avengers and MCU fans.

Before I close with this, I want to add that I am not anti-Steve but Civil War really made me hate him. I get, Steve is supposed to be a Boy Scout and shit like that, but he’s a Gary Stu in the MCU, let’s be honest about it. Civil War should have been an Avengers movie, rather than a part of the Captain America trilogy. The Avengers should have been given more time than three days to discuss the Accords and make necessary amendments; after all that went down in Lagos, Wanda should have been made to sit out missions and maybe we could have had someone like Doctor Strange help in training her; Crossbones would have made a great villain but it is what it is; Peter’s introduction to the MCU could have been as him actually interning for the Stark Industries and forming a kind of acquaintance with Tony Stark before Tony finds out that he’s Spider-Man; Steve should have told Tony about HYDRA‘s hands in his parents’ deaths. Anyway, I’ll go read Civil War fix-it fanfics and fanfics where the Avengers are more like family. Fuck Civil War and I’m outta here.

Edit: okay this was a thought I had when I was trying to sleep but it was too good to ignore. Rhodey has a point about Steve arrogance (if that’s the correct term) in saying “the safest hands are our own” and here’s why:

Like he stated “this is not the World Security Council...neither is this SHIELD nor HYDRA” (paraphrased). This is the UN as well as 117 countries. Look, I am as anti-government as one can go and I don’t believe that the UN are reliable (plus, if we really want to go by the AoS version of the Accords, the Accords are flawed and they need amendments), however, given the US records on disrespecting boundaries in many third world countries, I can understand why 117 countries are wary about a bunch of superpowered Americans entering their country.

To us, the Avengers are saving the world. To these 117 countries and the people who have families who were killed in the crossfire (Zemo is a good example), the Avengers are a bunch of nuisances who leave destruction wherever they tread.

I am still neutral on the whole Accords as I don’t know exactly what it entails but for Steve to go “we are surrendering our rights to choose” (again, how is the Accords threatening the Avengers’ right to choose?) when asked to be under oversight is tone deaf.

[mizmatched]

please tell me about the wild shit. i am far too busy riding the high off of sheep tubbo canon to sit through that bullshit myself

the c!dream apologist doc, a summary:

-the author basically says that the phrase  “Character Dream has done nothing wrong ever,” isn’t correct before immediately calling themselves ‘ a genuine apologist of his character.‘

-the author states that he is not really as bad as every one makes him up to be

-the author says that their are no real villains in the dream smp and that makes it unique. they then immediately call schaltt ‘a greasy bastard who showed no appreciation even towards his most loyal servants‘ and offered no explaination on why schaltt was ever a not a villain, directly contradicting themselves.

-they say that because dream does not stream, we can’t see his perspective and therefore there are way more people against him. the direct quote is ‘The issue with this system is that characters who don't stream don't get to represent themselves properly to an audience.‘ however the author fails to realize that this is the entire point of dream not streaming. 

-’Dream, on the other hand, was an incredibly attentive friend. when he hurt George by dethroning him, he did it not with malice, but with the genuine consideration that he would be making his best friend both happier and safer. However, this was twisted on him: “just say you hate me” made Dream look like the bad guy of a situation he’d started to help, not hurt. Sapnap also doubled down on defending George, which only entrenched a villain narrative further for Dream’s character. ‘ this quote speaks for itself. this is literally undermining the entirety of sapnaps character arc into villainizing dream. 

-the author then says that george was dethroned because cc!george asked cc!dream to dethrone him, and there was no actual malice involved. 

-The author claims that dream treated both sam and punz well, even though they were ‘hired, subordinates that would have received very different treatment under Schlatt.‘

- The author then asks why the audience gives wilbur and techno a ‘pass’ after they manipulated tommy, but not dream.

-' Once again I have to believe that this is due in part to Wilbur and Techno being SMP streamers. If Dream were to show an audience his point of view, I have no doubt in my mind that more people would show his character understanding. ‘ 

That. is. the. entire. point.

-’ For example, let’s talk about Tommy apologists. A lot of Tommy apologists are newer fans of the SMP who don’t understand that he was the primary cause of most of the conflict on the SMP. When Tommy acts violently or irrationally, it can be attributed to his age, the stress that he is under, and the circumstances that bring the SMP to a constant state of war. I don’t fault Tommy’s character for this, but what I dislike is the idea that he can’t then face consequences for his actions. No matter how understandable he is as a person, he is also a political pin. He represents a threat to the peace on the SMP, and a nation that has caused nothing but problems since its conception. ‘ 

this person is starting to sound exactly like how c!dream talks and its disgusting. this is scary

-the author then proceeds to explain that dream ‘can do nothing’ but destroy tommy’s power. dream needs to tear down tommy as he has been ‘falsey built up as a hero’

-the author then proceeds to dis on l’manberg a bit calling it ‘ built upon division, raised by war, and causes even those uninvolved in the original foundation of the nation to partake in or be caught in dangerous, unnecessary, war and bloodshed. ‘

-the author then ‘debunks’ the theories that dream represents any sort of oppressive government, by saying that he is for the abolition of states and an anarchist

-author even argues that dream cannot be authoritarian-left because he is pro religion, as he founded the church of prime

-author goes into further detail about the types of government dream cannot be but that one was the funniest excuse

-’ Dream is not a ruler, a government, or any kind of authority figure in this sense. What he is, is tired and jaded. I’ve described my opinion on this in a previous video and I will do so again. Prior to Tommy’s whitelisting, the SMP was (mostly) peaceful—people were gathering resources, the anarchy was well-maintained, and people were progressing well. Even when conflict arose, Tommy was the one who continued aggressing further—this isn’t the point of this portion of the document, but I recommend rewatching “So I Started a Minecraft War VS Dream” on Tommy’s channel to understand what I mean. Dream’s intention has always been peacekeeping. Yes, by force, if necessary, but this doesn’t make him an authoritarian. If he is personally connected to the world, then he understands the history of nations, and how quickly they fall into violence. We saw it with L’Manburg and we saw it much earlier with The Village That Went Mad. Nations have never and will never find a peaceful resolution, and Dream isn’t required to allow them to sprout up just because the temporary guests of the world want them to. He’s the one, in the end, that watches them crumble. Dismantling them is an act of peace ‘

this is the furthest i got. might continue later, but the doc is SO LONG and my brain can only handle the stupidity for so long. i would like to go into further detail about why this doc is wrong, not only because of the takes but the nature of its evidence, but i am so tired man. 

[doggerell]

wow sending an ask to myseld wow how crazy. do sam a.wesamdude

wow such a lovely request me 💚 thank you I thought you would never ask

I got unnormal and Angry so under the cut it is

theres literally not much I can say cause I should keep this on the dl but they dont know. they dont know they have no idea they dont know the things that I do. all I can say is I am possibly the third highest Sam understander in the world. including his actor himself.

the only issues he gets of mine are sadism (which he already has) and aromanticism (which I mean…. this guys got major of romantic issues I had to)

(this is where it starts to derail) Sams done horrible things and he self justifies and rationalizes so much and its so sexy but also look me in the fucking eyes. Dream is not fucking undeserving. canonically Sam didnt ever touch Dream in prison anyway, he just allowed torture to occur but he did NOT starve him and he did NOT personally beat him. if ur gonna claim that I need you to look me in the eyes and explain to me that you understand that Dream kidnapped, isolated, and abused a teenager and drove him nearly to the point of suicide. he is not some uwuw tortured sweet angel. I love Dreams character so much but not because hes so tortured baby. but because hes a twisted and sick and obsessed individual. hes an excellent villain and hes so good at manipulation that all these stupid fans have fallen for it too despite the fact that he CONTINUOUSLY reinforces the fact that his character is evil to the bone and did not change and ounce from his imprisonment and is still just as obsessed with the abuse of a teenager. I know Im taking this too seriously and Im a huge villain enjoyer and if people were enjoying him for that I would be fine with it but these people literally act like exile doesnt exist when its one of THE most important arcs of the whole series. it takes up a whole fucking season like what were u doing during s2

and the abuse of Tommy that is mirrored and reinforced in Sam when hes in prison like AUUGGHHGHHH. YOU GUYYYS ARE STUPID THESE ARE INTENTIONAL PARALLELS. but people dont like or havent fucking seen Sams imprisonment/exile….2! and it makes me so angry. girl it literally spells everything out for you and was done like old style lore quick succession day after day streams

anyway back to Sam. raging over. literally fucked up men of all time. man has trauma up to here and only understands violence and love through violence and will always fall back into his abusers traps. he can never escape Dream hes literally carved into his skin and soul

the way this fandom either completely demonizes Sam and hates him for shit he didnt even fucking do (at least get it right!!!! hes done plenty of fucked up shit canonically!) or treats him like a uwu dad and smooths out all his intricacies and issues… fuck oooff. like my guy doesnt even care abt Tommy anymore. that self recognition and love and attempts to save Tommy like nobody ever saved him are GONE. Dream beat it all fucking out of him. he doubts exile now too like GOOODDDD hes so fucked in the head and so abused 💚 loyal hound always running back to his masters side 💚 governed by a short leash and a spiked collar, can never get too much of his own power because the second he does its turned on him tenfold

his refusal to kill Dream but killing R,anboo almost without hesitation to try and draw Dream back to prison GETTTTS ME. he cant kill Dream. he will inflict unspeakable violence on others but he cant personally lay a hand on Dream. most of my fics involve him hurting Dream to try and get back at him and realizing hes just falling into exactly what Dream wants for him, but the flavor of being unable to lay a hand against him is SO yummy. he can watch, he can allow torture to take place, but he cant have that responsibility, that weight on his shoulders. a good dog cannot bite the hand that feeds.

his own first death is SO GOOD. dying at Dreams hand after beginning to trust and believe in Dream again, falling once more until the lull of love and believing his lies and manipulation and Dream literally slamming it back in his face again that he will always hurt Sam and he will never change

Sams absence is so important to me but Im so sad he didnt have an important role until s3. I need to watch more of his s2 stuff to get a better picture of what I can work with there.

GOOOOODD PEOPLE DONT KNOW ABT HIS ABSENCE. gutz from berk momence. the fact that I cant talk abt this kills me

he is my man of all time and my ch: loyal hound tag is Him. r: mark of the beast is him and Dream.

literally everything is better and makes more sense if you understand that Sam and Dream had a turned-toxic relationship before the story started/before Sams absence and Tommys joining

look at him :)

[ot3-watch]

Episode 1: The Nigerian Job Rewatch

Nate is so far beyond done at this point it’s hilarious. “I want to hire you” “FUCK OFF MAN I’M BUSY DRINKING MYSELF TO AN EARLY GRAVE”

“I need you to steal them back…” WTF DID YOU THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN VICTOR? WHAT, DID YOU THINK THE BEST INSURANCE INVESTIGATOR WASN’T GOING TO FIGURE OUT YOU WERE GOING TO DOUBLE CROSS HIM? He’s so stupid I can’t. 

“Parker is insane.” No. She just has a little trouble. Don’t DO THIS to her Nate.

“They work alone,” not for looong.

And… there it is! IYS. The most overused villains and this coming from a doctor who fan who sat through the daleks coming back EVERY SINGLE SEASON after being destroyed

Why do they all sound so weird? Like the dialogue does NOT sound normal

How tf did Eliot win in that scene tho? We see how long it takes him to fight later on like I just do not get it. ANd the tea isn’t even scathed? How? Everyone talks about The Big Bang Job’s shootout scene as being super unrealistic, but honestly, it barely registers compared to this one.

“You’re precisely why I work alone.” Yeah, because you’re at risk of falling in love otherwise Mr. Heart Eyes.

I’m remembering how much I did NOT like Parker in the beginning and I don’t like that. I love Parker but early Parker was eh.

PARKER YOU CAN’T JUST THROW THE GLASS. THAT’S EVIDENCE PARKER. YOU COULD KILL SOMEONE PARKER. SOMEONE’S GOING TO KNOW PARKER. 

You expect me to believe that Parker is a world class thief who wouldn’t think to count the haircuts? They keep making everyone else look dumber to make Nate look smarter which makes NO SENSE because honestly, it makes it hard to believe that the other three survived on their own without Nate to guide them. WHICH THEY DID! AND THEY WERE THE BEST IN THE WORLD AT WHAT THEY DID. WTF

“That’s what I do.” AKA THE MOMENT ALEC HARDISON BECOMES AN ELIOT STAN

JENNY 8675309????

 “I know you children don’t play well with others” He’s already a dad i can’t.

If they knew about this plan and had the materials to pull it off, why did no one think of it? 

ALSO HOW TF DO THEY GET THE MAKE UP ON SO QUICKLY IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE

How did the burn scam even work? Like i get it, make him uncomfortable so he won’t ask questions but like… they thought no one was in the building? The elevators were shut down? Why did he not question it? How stupid????

The black king/white knight metaphor was honestly the worst part of the first episode like it bothers me so much and I cannot effectively come close to explaining why

Where does Nate live? Why is his place so fancy? HE’S UNEMPLOYED RIGHT NOW AND BANKRUPTED HIMSELF TRYING TO HELP SAM. “It’s a hotel,” my sister says. IN WHAT WORLD DOES THAT LOOK LIKE A HOTEL ROOM? ANd that doesn’t explain how he affords a hotel room that nice.

….Why didn’t Eliot just disarm Hardison? We know he can. I don’t get it.

If you knew the place was gonna blow, why didn’t you run Nate? WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS NATE

Eliot’s already putting himself in danger to help Hardison up. YOUR HONOR THEY’RE IN LOVE. THEY’VE KNOWN EACH OTHER LESS THAN 24 HOURS AND THEY’RE IN LOVE.

“Do you trust me?” NO. NO NATE. NO I FUCKING DON’T.

I feel like passing that phone through the grate should not have worked.

YEAH HARDISON. MUG IT FOR THE CAMERA

Eliot’s accent I LOVE HIM “Can you hold, son?” FOREVER FOR YOU.

How are the state police so fucking stupid i can’t

They literally… they just dumb everyone down to make Nate look smarter and it SUCKS

Ah, the first Hardison safe house. 

“You won’t get within 100 yards” HE’S ELIOT FUCKING SPENCER I BET YOU ANYTHING HE CAN

“He didn’t pay us… I take that personally.” I-- Parker if you’re dead you can’t make more money. Parker? It’s important to me that you know this, Parker.

The websites they’re looking at are so obviously fake. 

Nate? Nate it’s just a picture. DUbenich can’t hear you, Nate.

“He used my son” I cannot explain how much overexposure has made me NOT CARE ABOUT FUCKING SAM

“What the hecks a Sophie” That, Eliot. That’s a Sophie. 

Honestly? My favorite character introduction in this episode. 

WHY DO THEY ALL TALK SO WEIRD IN THIS EPISODE? THEIR VOICES ARE SO OFF WHAT THE FUCK?

“I’m a citizen now. Honest.” YEAH FUCKING RIGHT IN WHAT WORLD

Eliot with the snacks, he’s always bringing food to his fam it’s amazing

“That’s an odd thing for you to know” “That’s an odd place for you to be” ...why am i reading a sexy sort of tension in there???

And Nate’s SMILING at it

Ok but how does Nate know about plane schematics? 

Sophie’s accent… none of them are that accurate but this one felt especially weird

Eliot playing the IT tech is everything

Also the reference to the IT Crowd by Parker is *chef’s kiss*

HE’S SO CUTE THOUGH

I’m just a simp for Eliot Spencer okay?

“I know you’re manipulating me, Anna.” Yeah but you’re still gonna fall for it, aren’t you? You stupid, stupid man.

Eliot’s so sweet though. He’s just trying to make friends. 

Like really though, he’s so standoffish and stoic, but the second he has the chance, he tries to bond and he’s so gregarious. Like, it makes so much sense that he has so many friends all over he place. 

“Eliot, we’re not friends,” STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE NATE. I HATE YOU NATE. HE’S JUST TRYING TO BE YOUR FRIEND NATE. 

Hardison gliding by in the wheelie chair… he’s such a goof and a mood and i love him.

...Hardison… Hardison you can hack anything… Hardison why didn’t you put them in the building directory? IT’S A DIGITAL DIRECTORY YOU COULD HAVE DONE IT THIS WAS SO UNNECESSARY

Nate, EVERYONE CAN SEE YOU!! hoW DOES HE NOT GET ARRESTED???

THERE”S A COP CAR RIGHT THERE HOW THE FUCK DID THAT WORK

...is there anyone Sophie doesn’t have sexual chemistry with in this episode? Like, seriously, i think it’s just Hardison. She and Nate are obvious, and she and Eliot have that moment, and then… did they not put them in the directory just to have Parker and Sophie make heart eyes at each other for a few seconds?

HOW DID ANYONE WATCH THIS SHOW AND EVER THINK SOPHIE AND PARKER WERE STRAIGHT THO

Dubenich sounds like Wallace Shawn and looks like Stephen Moffat and I HATE HIM. Wallace Shawn is great, and i love him but DUBENICH CAN DIE

This looks like such a boring party why would anyone want to be there. THERE’S DAY DRINKING FOR GOODNESS SAKE EWWW WHY (okay maybe i just hate alcohol. I hate it more in professional settings.)

“Sir, I can take your underpants.” OKAY HIGGINS. WEIRD FLEX BUT OKAY.

Parker and Hardison look so smug walking out of the building i love it. 

...why don’t you want the money Nate? YOU COULD GET A LOT MORE MONEY NATE. TAKE THE GODDAMNED MONEY NATE

And today on “I Will Never Understand the Way the Stock Market Works…” Like i get the basic idea but like… how do you make money if it’s gonna fall that much? HOw.. how does this work?

NO THAT IS NOT AN INVITATION TO EXPLAIN ECONOMICS TO ME I DO NOT CARE ABOUT THE STOCK MARKET

“Somebody kiss this man so I don’t have to” you will. One day, Eliot, you will. 

So, fun fact. Supposedly, their score was $32,761,349.05 each. Which doesn’t really seem like a lot of money to me? Like, at least definitely not enough for Nate to do with it what he does? Like, maybe I just have a really difficult time fathoming that much money? Like, don’t get me wrong, I’d love just a taste of that but like, also? It really seems like not so much? … And further on “This blogger does not understand budgeting.”

ELIOT JUST ADMIT YOU WANT PART OF A TEAM

WHY DOES SOPHIE SOUND SO WEIRD??? WHAT THE FUCK

Okay, also, i have a question. These people, at the end, this is their first client, right? So why does it look like they haven’t seen each other since they took down Dubenich in the homecoming job? WHAT?

The SUITS THO

OKAY FINAL THOUGHTS: 6/10. Not the best Leverage episode, and certainly not the best character episode. There were a LOT of kinks to work out. Things got sorted too well. And I REALLY HATE NATE THIS EARLY ON. I’ve also never loved the “this guy is an asshole but he’s smarter than everyone else and really good at what he does so it’s fine” trope that you see in so many shows like Leverage. And they really really dumb people down early on to make him seem smarter. But like… there’s a reason I kept watching, you know? Also... I remember why it took me a while to warm up to Parker and Sophie. LIke, they’re badass but I still took a while and I remember why. 

[mariahthelioness29]

Send the Addy

Pairing: SamBucky x Black! Reader 

WC: 4,279 ( I am theirs, they inspire me) 

Warning: It is absolute filth, my peeps, barely a plot, SMUT, Sugar relationship, D/s dynamics, Double Penetration ( anal & vaginal), oral ( male & female receiving), daddy and sir naming , spitting, edging, rough sex, praise and degradation, blindfold and light bondage... that’s all. 

A/N: This for @blackmissfrizzle and her Frizzle’s 2K Follower Celebration & Bad Bitch Challenge. I had the song Send the Addy by Flo Milli. 

@siancore @helahades @avintagekiss24 @rasberrylemon @saintsebastian-stan @sapphirescrolls @honeychicanawrites @marvelmaree @honestlyfrance @xbuchananbarnes @blacklavenderjade @amethyst-dreams-and-candy-canes @deansblackbeauty

After an excruciating week full of all-nighters, tidying final projects and exams. You and your girls are dancing, drinking some strong booze, forgetting the hell you all went through.

Send the addy, starting playing and you stand up from the chair and start dancing 

“Better watch where you steppin', this Gucci is pricey (Hello)

Like a snake on the loose, they gon' bite me

Put it on him, now he callin' me wifey (Ooh)

He tryna cuff but it's hard to indict me

He say he like when I call him daddy (Haha)

Tell him "Pull up" then I send the addy (Ooh)

She keep muggin' me down, she a maddy (Ew, bye)

I got three bitches wit' me, they catty (Ho)”, You sing along.

 You move your hips to the beat going down  till you're squatting near the floor and start throwing your ass back. Your ass shaking going up and down on repeat. 

“Ayeee, show’em what you got, baby”! ,your friend Bry hyping you up while recording.

You stand up running to your friend, laughing somehow feeling a little shy but still feeling yourself. 

“Damn, what’s gotten into you ?, you out here showing out, feeling yourself, but I can not complain I am enjoying it a lot”.Bry inquires, looking you up and down, smirking at you.

“Just happy that for once I was ahead of the curve, did not procrastinate and did all the work like for once I am confident, the finals will  be great”.

You smile at her, both of you sitting close to each other wrapping your arms around each other. You and Bry have been friends since freshman but sometimes you indulge in each other. When there is booze or stress involved, you seek each other's refuge.

 Some heavy twerking to 19, Birthday Cake and WAP, drinking and some heavy making out sessions with Bry and Draya recording it . You send all the videos to two particular men in your contacts. You are all snickering and smiling to your phone. You know you're in for one hell of a night with your daddies.

“y/n, when are you going to tell us the truth? ”,Draya disrupted you from your phone. 

“Tell, you what”. You feign, cocking your head to the side.

“ So you think we blind and stupid, you definitely have a sugar daddy or an Only Fans”.

“That is the same thing, I have been trying to find out”, Bry expressed with faux annoyance rolling her eyes.

“Your skin is glowing, The lace you got, Lace where?, you are not whining about your car problems, the clothes, the jewelry, the nails, like everyone can confuse you with some NBA player’s wife, if they don’t know you.” Draya continued. 

“The rent is paid and everything paid plus a new phone, new laptop. Oh, She gets some Fenty x Savage and Agent Provocateur on the side ”, Bry pipes in.

“Nosey bitch”, you shove Bry and she laughs. 

“ Is he some NBA ,NFL, Major League player, CEO, Rapper, Doctor, Real estate mogul, Politician?”, Bry asked. 

“Nope”, you said while stifling a smile and you took your shot of D’usse. 

Draya slouched more on the chair and sighs. “ Well if she won’t tell Bry, then she is taking that secret to the grave”. 

“Guys, I wish I could tell you but I can’t, I have signed an NDA, I don’t have money or lawyers to fight an NDA breaching just cause my girls want me to kiss and tell”. 

They all rolled their eyes. “Well, if he has friends that want a sugar baby tell’em to send the addy, I am here for the taking ” Bry responded while twirling around and posing. 

You all cackled. 

Little did they know that you were Captain America and the Winter Soldier’s sugar baby. You have to keep it a secret. This can mess up your future career and theirs. 

You start reminiscing, while your friends are having fun. 

You can see what they were seeing. A year and half ago, you were quiet, always tired and not as vibrant. Balancing the little you had, some internships to build your resume and classes, were taking a toll on you. You had the biggest internship. An internship at the Avengers headquarters, with no other than Dr. Bruce Banner and Dr. Helen Cho. If you aced this, you were pretty much settled. The chance of getting a nice job will be high. The internship pay was nice. It gave you some comfort but the hours were outrageous. The internship has some other perks. Seeing Sam Wilson, Captain America and Bucky Barnes, ex Winter-Soldier pass by. 

You seem them pass by hand in hand. They wave at you. You smile and wave back. You hate to see them go but love to watch them leave. They have some nice ass thighs and Sam’s ass in that Cap uniform. You are sure that if you ever had the chance to go to bed with him. You will be groping it all night. It looks so good.  You feel a sort of remorse for thinking that .You can see Sam and Bucky love each other so much and here you are being horny because of Sam’s ass in his uniform.

They were always trying to find ways to be in the lab with you, but you always denied that they were here for you. 

You  became friendly with both of them. You can see there were always lingering eyes or a hug longer than usual but you always thought it is your infatuation playing with your mind. 

That was until the Stark Benefit Gala happened. You were having fun until the party ended and your car decided to die on you. You were standing there, bummed in a beautiful dress. The dress was a courtesy of Dr. Cho. 

They saw you groaning and rolling your eyes in your car. They came to your help. Sam was drunk.  It was late, so Bucky offered you a ride to your humble abode. 

Against your better judgement you decided to ask if Bucky wants to get in your home. He went in. You were sitting drinking some water. You went to your room to get out of the dress and change to some comfortable sweatpants and a t-shirt. You were talking about T.V shows and he mentioned he was watching the Witcher but has never had time to catch up so you turned on the T.V watch the Witcher with him to explain to him what he has been missing. 

Suddenly you guys were making out. You on top of him, t-shirt disregarded. 

You stop him, “ We cannot do this to Sam”, you said, your lips ghosting over his. 

“What if I tell you, Sammy is okay, with this. He grabs your ass cheeks hard. He breathes you in and suckles the pulse point of your neck.

 You throw your head back and start grinding on him.

“What if I tell you he wants you, just as much as I do”. His voice raspy laced with desire. With that he kisses you with such a passion, all the oxygen in your lungs disappeared, he kisses your cheek in a chaste way, kisses your hand, pulls you off his lap, stands in front of you, and tells you goodnight. Leaving you hanging, confused, hot and bothered.

Your phone beeped and a message with a weird number appeared

Meet us tonight at the Cove at 21:00 sharp , The Uber is already paid and will pick you up. S&B” 

Another message in with the directions to the Cove. The Cove was a nice restaurant wine bar a little outside the city. 

At the Cove, Sam was there to confirm what Bucky told you. 

The waiter greets you and takes you orders. Chardonnay and tapas to go with it.  

“ Thank you for being here, y/n”, Sam started. “Buck told me what happened”. 

“Sam, I am so sorry, please I stay away from you. I don’t want this to cause any problems. I am so sorry”, you apologize to him.

Sam looks at you soft. “Hey, calm down, I would’ve loved to see that, you and Buck”. You are in shock. It is true what Bucky told you. “Buck told me you feel good,y/n and I want to find out:, he whispers. His eyes darkened while taking you in. It sends a shiver to your spine.

“ See, y/n, Buck and I, we love each other very much”. You see Bucky looking at Sam like he hung the moon and Sam takes Bucky's metal hand to his lips and kisses it. “But we are both missing what is like to be with a woman”. Bucky answered. “Someone we can both trust and confide in” Sam pipes in. “ We both have a kind of a dominant air and we want someone that can be ours” Bucky continues. “ I see the way you look at us, you invited me to your apartment”. "We made out"  “ You check Sam’s ass a lot, I know you can’t help it, It's so good”. You see Sam biting his lip at that. 

 You want to stay and jolt the hell out of there. You want to say something but you can't, the words won’t come out. 

Sam lift his hand 

“ Before you ask, what’s in it for you”, Let me tell you”. Sam led the conversation.

“ You are an amazing intern. Nothing but good things; cunning, smart, hard working. Banner and Helen have seen how hard you work. School and bills take a toll on you. “We see your car, that poor thing. “ You are quiet , you sigh a lot”. “We want to relieve that burden for you”.

You take a good gulp of the wine so that it can give you courage. “ This is not some cruel prank, right?, You ask with doubt. Taking a strand of hair behind your ears. You are shaking like a leaf. 

Sam and Bucky smile at you. They’re smiles are comforting. 

“ It is not. In fact, I have something for you”. Sam takes a stack of papers from his suitcase and puts it on the table. 

“ It is a Non Disclosure Agreement and some ground rules, This could be scandalous, we are aware of that so we have to keep this a secret much to my disdain.” Sam huffs. 

 Bucky takes your hand in his. “ Just give it a thought and think how good this can be for you”. “If you are not on board with this. It’s okay, we understand. Burn those papers and we  continue like nothing happened, please just think about it and let us know what you want”. Bucky looks at you with his ocean eyes pleading. 

The days followed. NDA signing. Medical exams all of you did. After that you had the most amazing experience you ever had in your life. It was everything. So erotic, you on your back Sam driving into you with madness. Bucky beside you alternating between kissing Sam and playing with your clit. Bucky spitting in your mouth, saying you are theirs and no one else's. So filthy, your back against Bucky’s chest he was in your ass while Sam was in front of you balls deep in you and they were both fucking you like there was no tomorrow. 

“Fuckkk, they groaned in unison”

Bucky was kissing the back of your neck giving you long but hard strokes. “Babyy, so tiight, so goood”, he said in between strangled moans. 

You could barely breathe. They are pushing buttons, you did not know they existed.

Sam was rough, giving you fast strong strokes, hitting that spot repeatedly. “He was moaning, grunting, breathing heavy too. Eyes closed head back. “Fuck baby, you’re gripping me hard, I’m not going to last long, if you keep doing that. Naughty girl you like that, huh?, “having two men at the same time”. Sam said with his breath short, driving his dick deeper in you. 

You nod. You cannot form a coherent sentence 

Bucky wrapped his vibranium fingers tight around your throat, making you face Sam. “Answer him”, he orders you, whispering in your ear.   

“Yes, sir, I love being stuffed by you both.” You answered him with a strangled whisper while your eyes were fluttering. It was too much but it was what your body was craving ever since Dr.Banner introduced you to them.

After a few more strokes you came with a shout and your legs shaking . Sam came hard , then Bucky after fucking your ass with no abandon. The night went on like that, Sam and Bucky using you the way they saw fit. 

You were stuffed with their cum and seeing galaxies at the end of the night. 

They took care of you after that. Bathing you, cleaning you up, giving you snacks, even brushing your teeth, and putting you to sleep. 

 You were biting your lip, pressing your thighs together. You were hoping you could get some of that tonight.

Seems like your wish is granted  because your cell phone vibrates. Two messages in 

Bad girl, making out with your friend, that mouth, that pussy  belongs to us. Only us. 

I see you’re having fun, but you can have more fun with us, baby girl. Say goodbye to your friends and you come to this hotel this instant. 

They sent you the address to the hotel . You see the address is not that far. Your pussy throbs in anticipation. 

“ Well, bitches, I got to go”, you say picking your Birkin bag and taking one last shot. 

“ Daddy Anonymous called you, huh”, Bry said looking you up and down. 

“ Yes he did and I am going to get some dick tonight”. You all laughed. 

Kissing and hugging your girls goodbye. You get in the car and connect the phone to the speakers and play send the addy again. 

Reaching to the hotel. You text the numbers back with: 

I am here, sir. 

I am here, daddy. 

They reply back with the room number. 

You arrived at the room you knocked on the door , just how they thought you. 

It was them. Bucky was dressed in a black shirt and the sleeves rolled up. Sam was wearing a burgundy shirt also with the sleeves rolled up. Tight jeans and two very noticeable hard ons. Your mouth waters at the sight. 

Bucky grabs you close to him and slaps your face. You gasped. The slap is not  hard enough to leave a mark but to tingle. Sam watches amused rubbing his erection through his pants. 

“Bad, girl, behaving like a slut, making out with Bry, letting her touch you like that”, he said, wrapping his vibranium fingers around your neck with force. “You just can’t get enough, do you baby ?”

“Daddy Buck, may not like it but I love it baby. You are so fucking sexy, especially when you make out with Bry”. Sam replied. 

Why did you do it, baby girl ?, Sam asked while unbuckling his belt and sitting on a chair in the corner. 

Bucky makes you face Sam. 

“ I like pussy too, sir and her lips are nice, both sets of lips,sir”. You whisper with Bucky’s hand tight around your throat. 

Bucky grabs you by the forearm, makes you walk to the bed with him. He sits at the edge of the bed. 

“ Lay across my lap”, he demanded. 

You do as you're told and lay across his lap. 

“Daddy is very disappointed, and you know what happens when daddy is disappointed”. You brace yourself for what is about to come. Spanking with the vibranium hand. 

“ You are going to count, Ok”. 

A slap to your ass and it is heard. “One”. You exhale the breath you were holding in. Two slaps quickly after another. “Two, three”, you whisper and then hiss. He massages your ass cheek. And slaps it again “Four”, you scream. “Such a good girl, taking your spanking so well”, Sam encourages you while stroking his dick slowly. 

“Don’t get any ideas, he might like what you do but you are still a dirty slut”. With that he spanks you three times quick after another. “Five, six, seven”, you scream and a tear is rolling down your face. 

“Aw, baby you look so cute when you cry, don’t worry, honey, it is going to end soon, Sam walks to you and wipes the tear away from your face. He cups your face in his hand. 

Bucky laughs. “Whores pulling stunts and can’t handle the consequences”. “Should've known better” He spanks your ass three times one after the other. “Eight, nine, ten” you sob. 

You stand up from Bucky’s lap. Your ass stinging. You know that you will not sit comfortably for a week. You hiccup a sob.

“Sh, sh,sh, that's my girl, taking what we give so well”. Sam console you. He cups our face and then hugs you tight. He smells so good. Sandalwood and cocoa butter. His skin is smooth

“ Lay on the bed, baby girl, I'm going to give you a treat”. You lay at the edge of the bed, with your legs open.

Sam lick his lips, you are dripping wet.

"So wet, so pretty" Sam whispers, touching your pussy. You moaned at that,moving  your hips looking for more sensation but he stops touching you.

"Tell us, are you wet for Bry or for us?",Bucky questioned

"You only you"

"Good answer, pretty baby".Sam says breathing you in.

“ What do good girls say to that, y/n?”, Sam asked

“ Thank you, sir”, you answer him, all breathy

With that he licks along your slit and then starts devouring your lips. Sucking on your clit and then shoving his tongue in you. He keeps that pattern until you are squirming and moaning loud  but Bucky puts his arm around your middle, keeping you down. Sam keeps eating you out like you are his last meal.

“You are such a dumb baby, you cannot take my spanking or his tongue, don’t worry baby. "Bucky whispers to your ear.

 “He spoils you but I will set you straight.” He bites your nipple to the point it is painful. You moaned loudly the pain and the pleasure mixing in.  You grab his hair hard and he grunts. He soothes the bite, licking and flicking his tongue on your nipple. 

Bucky grips Sam’s head and brings Sam to him and they kiss slowly all tongue. Both of them sharing your juices. It is such a sight. 

“Do you trust us, baby?”, Sam ask with his lips shining of your essence and Bucky’s spit. 

“Yes, sir, My safe word is fly”.

“ Good girl”, Sam responds and then hovers over you to peck your lips.

He goes to the night table and takes a pink silk scarf and pink rope out of the drawer. 

He makes you sit on the bed and ties the silk scarf around your eyes and he kisses your cheek. 

“My pretty baby”

“ I don’t know why you keep putting her on a pedestal, she is a whore”, Bucky tells Sam. 

“ A whore that needs to be put in her place”. Bucky continues

“ C’mon, ass up ,face down”. Bucky orders and there is no room for ifs. 

You assume the position. “Hands behind your back”, Bucky demands.  

You put your hands behind your back and you feel the rope tightening on your wrists.  

You gasp when you feel a dick inside you in one thrust and you know is Bucky. He is like that though, demanding. He starts ramming into you. The shaking of your ass against his hips, your pussy creaming on his shaft . That spurs him on. 

“ He might say nice things to you, but we both know what you like, getting fucked without mercy”, He groans at the feeling of you spasming around him. “That is what you like”.

He pulls on your hair. “Say it”, he growled. 

“He might say nice things but I like getting fucked without mercy”. You answer him  breathless.

You are moaning non-stop, your breathing ragged. His dick drives in and out at a fast pace. You feel yourself tightening around his cock. 

He stops and pulls out of you. You whine

“Stop whining”, Bucky reprimands you, spanking your ass a little. A warning.

You cry out when you feel another dick inside you, a different kind of stretch. Inch by inch he enters you, he is hissing. “Aaahh fuuuck”.

 You know it is Sam. He takes his sweet time entering you most of the time. 

He starts going at a slow pace, pulling out almost and slams back in. Then he pulls almost out, he grips your hips and drives your ass against his hips unhurried. Every time he does that, you feel the air leave the room. 

He keeps doing that until you are almost there, you can feel it then he stops and pulls out of you.

You are left there clenching around nothing.

You hear them kissing. Humming and moaning into the kiss. You start hearing Sam moaning and slurping and gagging sounds, moans from Bucky too. 

You hear whispering but you cannot understand what is said.

Bucky was on his knees sucking Sam off, taking Sam's shaft to the back of his throat, savoring all of you from Sam's dick. He pulls Sam out his mouth with a pop. 

He stands up and whispers to Sam's ear: "She tastes so good on your dick, sweetheart, mmhmm so good." 

You whine:" pleeeaseee"

Sam returns to you, entering you at a snail's pace till he is full inside. His moans, hisses mixing with your moans and cries.

"Can't stay without dick for long, Can you baby ?". Bucky asks you. He chuckles. "Such a needy slut". 

You nod. You mewl: "Yes, daddy".

Sam kisses your shoulders. “ You are such a sight, baby girl, you are my good girl, I love you so much”, He says with his deep and raspy voice.

“ I love you so much, sir”. You reply with tears in your eyes. You don't know, who is worse, Bucky with his unforgiving pace or Sam's slow pace. They are doing this for what seems an eternity. When they feel you are about to cum, they switch places or leave you hanging. 

 Sam praised you and Bucky degraded you. 

You can’t take it anymore. You are so pent up. Release is the only thing in your mind. 

You were now on your back still blindfolded and your wrist tied on top of your head.

“Please, daddy, please, sir, please can I cum ?”. You sob 

Bucky was slamming into you. Faster than ever, groaning and moaning

“ Cum, let go”, he moans. He was so close too.

You came with your legs shaking and a silent scream.

More thrusts and Bucky was coming 

“Shiiiitttt”,fuck, fuck”, Bucky cried out on repeat. With a long moan, he emptied inside you. He dropped next to you on the bed, spent and satisfied. 

Right after, Sam entered you in one thrust and started pumping you fast. Your eyes were rolled to the back of your head. You feel your whole nerves convulse. It was so much but your body needed his release. 

“Sir, please, give me your cum”, you babble

“ Don’t have to ask me twice, baby girl, He grunted. 

Thrusting into you with his eyes closed, head back and his lips parted.

"Fuuuckkk, you got some good pussy on you, babyyy, y/n. He sped up, chanting your name. 

He came within you, with a loud groan. He dropped on top of you 

You love his weight on you. When he catches his breaths. He stands up and takes your blindfold off. Bucky tuned in the light so that your eyes don’t hurt, when Sam takes the blindfold. Sam takes the rope off your wrists and kisses your wrists. 

Bucky appears with glasses of water for the both of you. He gives Sam the glass and they kiss. 

You cannot believe your luck. Both of your men, naked. Sam thick arms and thighs and that ass. Bucky with those thighs, those abs carved like some Greek god and the contrast of his arm, flesh and metal, hair all disheveled.

Bucky kneels in front of you and gives you a glass of water.

Bucky kisses you. “You know that it is all role play, baby. I love you and I appreciate you so much”. You nod. You drink the water and put the glass on the nightstand. You grab his face. 

“ I know, daddy” and you place a kiss on his forehead.

He looks at you, like you are everything in his world.

He stands up. He kisses Sam again then Sam bents and kisses you.

“ You are so beautiful, you know that”, Sam expresses taking your features in. 

“ Thank you, sir. You are so pretty too”.  He laughs at that. 

Bucky finds some sweatpants and puts them on. 

“I am going to order something to eat”. Bucky picks the phone to call room service. 

"Blueberry waffles,pleaseee".You look at him with puppy eyes. Sam sits next to you. "I want some blueberry waffles too, baby boy". Sam asks with that smile that makes Bucky melt.

He chuckles shaking his head.

You, two are too much for his heart to handle.

"Well, when you both ask like that, how can I say no"

He calls room service.

You are there, feeling light and satisfied with two men that care so much. Every day you are falling a little bit more in love with them. 

You don’t know what the future holds for all of you but for now you will always go to them when they send the addy.