#i am still almost 100% me having troubles understanding is because

[sideblogsoicanaskquestions]

Hello!

I feel like this may come off as a dumb question but what is Aplationic along side all the loveless/heartless identity in the Arospec

I feel like when I try to understand I am conflating Care with Love

Like I guess what is Love?

Like when I hear Romantic and Platonic from others it very much comes off as basically

You don't want to date

And then everything else falling under platonic

I don't want to date. People are exhausting

Like I just want to know more.

I tired looking in the tag but I just got all the "Your Valid " posts and nothing explaining

Which is just making me feel kind dumb

Like you are valid! I just don't understand and feel dumb

Like I could look it true but I want someone who is Aplationic and all that to explain ut

As it is your identity

At this point I am 100% sure I am ace and I am somewhat sure I am Aromantic but I am just having some trouble with some of the other Identities on the Arospec

This is a mess. I am so so sorry

Basically what does Aplationic mean?

[happyhauntt]

— march fic recs, brought to you by happyhauntt.

a wee fic rec post for a few of the fics i read in march that altered my brain chemistry!! i've put a lil comment next to each rec because honestly writers don't get praised enough for their work these days and i wanted to show my appreciation for these talented souls!!

grishaverse.

➡ kaz brekker.

what do you want from me by @rubysunnday. notes: literally perfect wtf.

dark days by rubysunnday. notes: i reread this literally constantly, it is so perfect, kaz's characterisation is perfect, i adore it.

bloody hands by rubysunnday. notes: i devoured this whole thing like a starving person it was sO good.

when am i gonna lose you? by @crowsmybeloveds. notes: this is so beautiful honestly i have no words.

the lost princess by @ellewritesalright. notes: look it's only part one but elle is a fucking wizard and i'm a sucker for an anastasia au.

you and me (a whole lot of history) by @heliads. notes: this was so cute and such a clever concept i fell in love!!!

schat by @amourology. notes: fully choked this is so adorable.

soulmate by @magpiencrow. notes: KAZ BREKKER SOULMATE AU didn't know i needed this but now i need 100 more!!!!

➡ nikolai lantsov.

nine long years series by @ellewritesalright. notes: i am actively fucking screaming over this fic. i will never stop. this might genuinely be the best thing i've read in a LONG while. everything about it has me sobbing i actively CANNOT COPE. and it's not even finished yet.

one of us by @songofpatrochilless. notes: literally had me sobbing you don't understand the domesticity of it all!!!!!.

come on back to me by @atlabeth. notes: there is a very strong chance that i'll literally never stop screaming about this fic.

dreams of you by @wh0refornikolailantsov. notes: every cell in my body is SCREAMING.

this love by @lantsovsupremacist. notes: did not, in fact, give you permission to hurt me like this do it again.

salt in the wound by @in-my-feels-probably. notes: brain goes brrrr this has everything i need to survive tbh.

wanting was enough by @rubysunnday. notes: beautiful stunning magnificent i want to eat it.

an exhausted smile by @writing-havoc. notes: think i had an aneurysm reading this it was that amazing.

run away with me by @sumsebien. notes: i am still sobbing over this.

in emerald hearts, emerald minds by @undiscovered-horizon. notes: love love love love love. there aren't enough words in any language to describe how much i love this.

➡ alina starkov.

alina starkov x reader by @heliads. notes: alina does not get nearly enough love and this was so fucking sad and cute and brilliant.

➡ nina zenik.

the ten steps to 'i love you' by @sophierequests. notes: this was SO HEARTWARMING AND SWEET i adored it!!!

➡ zoya nazyalensky.

forget-me-nots by @syllvane. notes: not enough zoya fics on this hellsite. but also this ripped my heart out and made me sob so RUDE. i feel devastated.

➡ inej ghafa.

inej ghafa x reader by @heliads. notes: INEJ MY SWEET BABY, this fic is everything to me. everything. and it's so beautifully written!!!

➡ the darkling.

the dark side of the moon series by @myhairpintrigger. notes: this fic is ASTOUNDING. i haven’t cried this much reading something in a long time. i was FULL-BODY SOBBING. i don’t even like the darkling. i am Not a darkling girlie. but i was intrigued by concept of this fic and i can safely say it has ruined my life. this is Emotional Damage Incarnate. i will never recover. author, i salute you.

911.

through the smoke by @borntobewondering. notes: spent twenty whole minutes sobbing after reading this. i felt undone i felt hollow i felt so utterly fucked. author is a genius and that's all there is to say.

not so one night stand by @shmaptainwrites. notes: this was so fuckin adorable i'm in love.

d.c. to l.a. by shmaptainwrites. notes: bobby my guy just doesn't get enough fucking credit and this is so fucking adorable.

criminal minds.

➡ spencer reid.

trouble almost all my life by @januaryembrs. notes: this series is. it's literally. everything. i love bugsy like she's my own child. sister relationships are everything to me. i spent an hour sobbing in my bed over parts 2 and 3. i want this tattooed on my forehead.

➡ aaron hotchner.

found by @benedictscanvas. notes: DADDY i mean what. all jokes aside this was so sweet and beautiful and i'm in love the writing!!!

doctor who.

rage rage (against the dying of the light) by @morganas-pendragons. notes: felt feral after reading this. kayla just gets me in my feels every time.

heartbeat by morganas-pendragons. notes: this was the most emotional devastating thing i've ever read and i fully needed 3-5 business days to recover. rude. i want 100 more.

untitled by morganas-pendragons. notes: PAIN i love this so much.

ache by morganas-pendragons. notes: just scoop my heart out of my fucking chest i don't want it anymore after reading this.

a mind full of blissful terrors by @magiccath. notes: simply fucking amazing.

light in the dark by @i-imagine-my-doctor. notes: screaming please i adore this so much.

baby talk by @kisstherainwriting. notes: THE ABSOLUTE CUTIEST EVER. there's not enough clara fics and this had me squealing and feeling all warm and fuzzy!!!

holding my hand by kisstherainwriting. notes: angst galore this was STUNNING.

in another's eyes by @cas-kingdom. notes: PERFECTION.

where do we go now series by @theetherealbloom. notes: literally so fucking amazing i don't have enough words.

marauders.

the winner takes it all by @ellecdc. notes: brb faye is having a STROKE--

come back, be here series by ellecdc. notes: i think i had a full on stroke while reading this series. the attention to detail is insane. the characterisation is perfect.

i don't know you anymore (maybe i never really did) by @thenyoumightaswellwrestleangels. notes: SCREECHING i'm in love you don't understand.

bridgerton.

➡ anthony bridgerton.

distractions by @peterpparkrr. notes: simply immaculate.

right person, all the wrong times by @wwinterwitch. notes: did you mean one of my favourite tropes bc this is it.

right in front of me by @idontgiveaflyinggrayson69 & @thirteenisles. notes: i felt feral after reading this tbh.

➡ sibling!reader.

reluctant caretaker by @rubysunnday. notes: this fic hit my heart in all the right places okay sibling stuff means everything to me.

did she have a cookie by rubysunnday. notes: a joyous read from start to finish i CACKLED the whole way through.

moon knight.

come back to me by @mgparker. notes: still sobbing. immaculate.

the other sarcophagus by @starryevermore. notes: i literally reread this constantly i adore it so much!!

marc spector x reader by @softlyspector. notes: i had an aneurysm reading this and i haven't been the same since.

more marc spector x reader by softlyspector. notes: i am having an intense emotion hold on. anytime i see autistic stuff in canon content for any fandom i SQUEAK. and this is so well done honestly.

star wars.

heartless by @youvebeenlivingfictional. notes: i reread this constantly, it's so amazing and heartwrenching and beautiful and i want to eat it.

little talks by @light-yaers. notes: you simply do not understand how much i adore everything beff writes. i adore this fic more than i need oxygen to breathe.

right where you left me series by light-yaers. notes: personality-defining series. i LIVE for this fic. every update adds five years to my lifespan. if you're not reading this you are MISSING OUT.

a light, a song, a bluebird by @millllenniawrites. notes: made me SOB 10/10 would recommend if you like emotional trauma.

invisible string by @campingwiththecharmings. notes: pining!!! loneliness!!! i adore!!!

hard landings by @softlyspector. notes: no. no you don't understand. this fic doesn't just own my soul it is my soul. i want it tattooed on my face.

misc.

hopper x reader by @luveline. notes: you don't understand this might be the cutest shit i've ever read and jade is a fellow welsh person which automatically makes them brilliant in my book.

muña by @in-my-feels-probably. notes: alicent means fucking everything to me and this had me sobbing.

mistletoe magic by @writingsbychlo. notes: literally the cutest fucking thing ever, had me kicking my legs and squealing!!

[cheesecakezyum]

I just found your blog and I am LOVING the Wukong content. I was hoping to request some smut headcanons (maybe alphabet hcs- if you feel up to it). I completely understand ty! <333

NSFW Alphabet ; Sun Wukong

Please do not click the ‘keep reading’ option if you are under the age of 18. Adults only, please! :)

Welcome to my page! I’m ecstatic that you’re enjoying what I’m providing <3 Doing alphabet headcanons are actually some of my favorites!

Mainly because it helps me with future pieces of writing (smut ofc) — like a cheat sheet almost!

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A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

He loves to hold you in general, so after a session of utter passion? It’s tripled. He’ll sometimes want to keep his cock buried in you overnight if you’re up for it and continue from where you two left off the next morning.

He’s not too big on cleaning himself personally after sex (like the absolute gremlin he is), but he’ll begrudgingly set a warm bath for you if that’s what you want! You’ve explained UTI’s and yeast infections to him, which is why he no longer complains about keeping his semen inside you as long as he can.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

He loves his tail. I mean, it’s like a third hand! Another tool to balance himself, grab things, and especially bring you to him when he’s needy.

He personally loves your ears. They’re so cute and small compared to his! Sometimes you’ll catch him fiddling with your earlobes. He also enjoys the noises you make when he nibbles on them.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

It turns him on extremely seeing you covered in his cum— legs spread, ever so slightly trembling as you’re leaking with his semen, your face twisted into an expression of pure bliss. It’s enough to get him riled up all over again.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Has a Owner/Property kink that even to this day hasn’t publicly told you about. You found out yourself after a certain rigorous handjob when he basically begged you to let him cum, ending his plead with master.

Praise kink too, but he’s a bit more open with that.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

At first he may seem clumsy, but he’s simply learning what makes your body tick. After maybe 3-4 sessions expect him to have your anatomy and personal pleasures memorized to the tea. Every whimper, moan— it’s all a sign to let him know that he should keep the ministrations going.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

The mating press.

His main interest is the deeper penetration aspect of the position. He also loves the look of your helpless face every time he presses into you.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

Pretty goofy! But Wukong knows when to switch the mood to make it better for you both. One minute he’ll be joking to you about a show playing in the background and the next will be eating you out like you’re the last meal he’ll ever have.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

This man is 100% a hobo. Although being filled with body hair already (cause, y’know. Monkey?) he has a pretty clean happy trail which matches the ash orange color of his mane!

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

He won’t have sex with you unless there’s at least some sort of feelings in the mix. Whether they’re unspoken or not it’s something that’s always there. He’s not there just to fuck, he wants to make love.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

Doesn’t masturbate often. He’d have to really be in the mood, but even still— he has trouble concentrating when it’s only imagination. If he ever does though, you’d be the only thing on his mind. Maybe a picture, or a voicemail would do.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Breeding. It’s instinctual for him to have reproductive urges; The idea of stuffing you full of his cum to be the future carrier of his children is quite appealing to the simian.

Marking. He likes both you and everyone else to know who you belong to. Whether it be carrying your scent with him— or the many bites littered around your body. He thinks it’s like taking a park of him with you.

Cockwarming. While it can be seen as torture for both parties, he adores the way you slowly break down above him. A simple shift of the hips enough to make such deliciously crude noises escape from those pretty lips. It makes sex that much more gratifying if there’s at least a bit of a wait.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

He’s a bit more comfortable if you guys have some type of privacy, considering the entirety of Flower Fruit Mountain is littered with primates. So a bedroom or bathroom would do.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

Being the big spoon. While it may start as sweet and lighthearted before you know it he’ll be slowly pressing his clothed erection into you, huffing softly and asking if you’re up for a round or two.

Your own moans. He’ll work hard as hell if it means by the end of the night you’re screaming his name, begging for more— to go even harder.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Degradation/Humiliation.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Prefers to definitely give. He finds his own pleasure in yours!

Let’s just say he knows how to use his tongue quite well. This can go back to E; He knows what you need to reach your climax and he’s more than happy to give it to you.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

Slow and rough. Wukong wants to feel your walls clenching every single time he’s just about to pull out, only to thrust back in without a care in the world.

As his peak eventually reaches though— he will often try to chase it with a faster, sloppier pace. ONLY if he knows you’re both close.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

While he does like to take his time with you, quickies are a pretty common occurrence when you’re with Wukong. In a certain spot with few wandering eyes? He’ll lift you up against the wall and pound into you.

In a certain position while your cleaning? On the counter you go. Just sucks that you have to pick up even more of a mess after.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

Not too fancied on the idea of trying something new unless he has somewhat of an idea of what’s gonna go down. He doesn’t want to be left in the dark, and communication is especially key for this monkey.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

His stamina is as big as his ego. This man could go fucking you a whole night if it meant filling you up to the brim.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

He doesn’t have any toys, and isn’t too fond of buying any simply because he doesn’t know where? Like???

If you have your own, though, he’d be more than happy to hear how to use them and spice up your tango just a bit more.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Humiliation really isn’t his game, but he loves to mention how destroyed you look under him— asking you to tell him just what you want him to do while he’s hovered over you.

It just gives him a bit of pride to know that he can make you into such a mess. You lustful deviant you!

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

I don’t think he’d be necessarily loud. The trembling quiver of his voice as he breathes out your name— the occasional curse.

He’d have to be pretty wound up in order to raise that voice of his. It’s not necessarily impossible! The stroke of his tail is a pretty quick way to get an unprepared whore moan out of him.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

It’s like he’s constantly in the honeymoon phase when he’s with you. Pet names like hun, sweetie, peaches, schnookums even. His corniness is sickeningly addictive.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

Sleeper build. He doesn’t look necessarily ripped at first glance with all those robes but a good feel of those thighs or biceps shows that even thousands of years later, he’s in great shape.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

High, very high. Maybe not at first; jumping straight into sex after building a relationship just isn’t him. One taste of that pie, however, and suddenly he can’t seem to get enough of you.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterward)

He doesn’t fall asleep immediately after sex. It’s certainly tempting, but he’d much more prefer taking care of you, taking in the moment and making sure you’re okay.

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Maneskin has been my go-to for music while I’m writing, especially spicier prompts/ideas I have yet to publish ;D

Definitely give their new album a listen if you’re interested!

[kaythejay]

Sometimes I forget just how privileged my life is as a queer person. I mean, I live in the US. It is completely legal here. When my partner and I decide to tie the knot, we will be able to do so. Though I am old enough to remember when that became legal, so I'm not in any deniability about the fact that I know it can be taken away (especially knowing that Roe v. Wade has already been taken away and they will certainly do the same to Hodges v. Obergefell if given the chance). But regardless, I do not have to worry about going to jail or getting killed because of my sexuality.

I have a lot of family that supports me. My partner's entire family has been absolutely wonderful in accepting me into their family. I mean, her mom has already started calling me her daughter-in-law, and we're still several years out from that being true (mostly for financial reasons/I'm still in school because I changed my major and added time to my degree). My grandma is always asking about my partner because she absolutely adores her. The reason I don't really talk to my parents has nothing to do with the fact that I'm gay (they like my partner more than they like me). They don't care about the gay thing, there's just a lot of other stuff that happened while I was growing up (before I even knew what gay was) that makes it hard to talk to them.

I'm growing up in an era where queer pride is becoming more and more mainstream. I know a lot of young kids whose parents have gone out of their way to teach them about queerness and that it is ok. There's one kid that I knew that was even taught things beyond the "basics" (he knows what pansexual means for example). Rainbow capitalism is proof that the world is shifting. I can walk into Target right now and get myself a bold (though, admittedly probably ugly) pride outfit. When I was little, that just was not a thing.

I get to see the shift in how controversy is handled with celebrities. For example, the whole thing with JoJo Siwa at the moment is all about her as a person, not the fact that she kissed a girl in her latest music video. When I was little, if you were gay, you had to hide it or be ridiculed for that reason.

And honestly, in my day-to-day, I really don't have to think about it that much. I mean, if I'm out in public with my partner I still have to think about if we're in a safe space if I wanted to like. Hold her hand or anything because we do live in a red state, so we're not 100% safe from being harassed. However, I don't have to think that much about it otherwise.

I mean I will once I'm a teacher (and my partner who has just gotten her teaching license has already talked to me a lot about that). I have a friend who is teaching in a district that simply putting a poster up that has a rainbow on it (even if it has nothing to do with pride) is enough to get yourself put under fire. She got into trouble for introducing herself with her pronouns (and she's a cis, straight woman, no queer shenanigans going on there).

J talks to me a lot about the fact that she feels bad that she can't about me in a professional environment like a straight couple could. She assures me that it is not because she doesn't want to. But honestly I have to remind her that like. I avoid the topic probably even more than she does. I haven't been out for nearly as long as she has, so I haven't gotten as comfortable with people knowing that stuff as she has. She's also talked to her mom about it, but her mom doesn't fully understand that it is a safety thing. J's mom's response is almost always "I don't really talk about my husband much either." She kind of struggles to understand the point of "but you could if you wanted to without repercussions." Whereas if me or J tells the wrong person that we have a lady partner, we've immediately put ourself (and possibly the other) in danger. Sometimes I forget just how deep the danger goes.

But then things happen.

People in our dorm have put notes on our door (because we were ✨roommates✨) that were less than kind. We had to get our RA and RLC involved, but they couldn't do anything since there aren't cameras in our building. But boy did my RLC want to (she's also a queer lady, freaking awesome, Imma miss her when I'm over RA-ing in a different building). And I'll be honest with you. Even in our dorm, we were super, super careful about how we presented ourselves because we knew it wasn't safe. And still, someone with ill intentions somehow found out about us.

Someone crawls into your Tumblr inbox to call your slurs and tell you that you're faking for attention and that you'll never understand what it really means to be gay. Only for them to disappear when you turn the anonymity off.

Someone yelled "faggots" at us out of a car window while we were all decked out heading to lunch after the pride parade.

And I know, I know I'm incredibly lucky that that is the extent of the harassment that I've faced because of my sexuality.

But honestly it just goes to show just how important pride, and pride month as a whole, still is to this day.

For me, pride is a huge celebration of who I am as a whole person. It is the one time of year when I can take the mask off completely and just feel free to be me, knowing that I'm safe from judgement. Like my partner was saying the other day, I don't really realize just how much of myself that I sanitize for the majority's consumption until I'm at a pride event and am no longer doing any of that. There's certain ways that I would carry myself/dress/etc if I didn't have to worry about the people around me saying or worse doing something to me just because they pick up on my queerness.

Pride events are a chance to be around a very large group of other queer people. It is a chance to show people who are important to me a massive aspect of my life in a way that isn't sanitized for public consumption. It's a place where we get to be freaks and weirdos and not have to worry about getting looks. Because honestly for as weird as you might look, there's someone not all that far away that looks even weirder and it is so freaking cool to get to see.

But pride is so much more than that. They're also an "in your face" of the people who hate us. It is a show that we are not going to back down and stop being who we are as people just because people don't approve of our "lifestyle." It is the community banding together to welcome everyone who is accepting and protect people from those who aren't. It is a place for "baby gays" to find that it is ok to be be queer and find their place in the world.

I hope you all have a happy pride month, whether you are celebrating out and proud, or hidden in the closet.

[curmemini]

i think when i talk about owen on twitter its easy to believe that i don't believe he's ever done any wrong ever, but do not be fooled - i know he has, but i am very much over correcting for people who buy the twins propaganda - that is, without fail, the cruelest, most underhanded view of each member of sanbaka... I have strong opinions about the Twins as Manipulators, and how clear it is not ] but answer me honestly, in what world would a story with a major themes (among many) of prejudice and how preconceived notions close people off from understanding each other go "oh, yeah no, except for that guy, everything said about how horrible he is is 100% true". . . not only would that belief be conflicting with the theme, but also immediately contradicts things gleaned about his personality pre-main story development, by which I mean things learned about Owen from Etudes (the first missions undertaken by the wizards), Preludes (presumably taken place after Etudes, but still extremely early, despite being released earlier), the card+log stories relating to those events (as well as initials), and affection story (takes place during an unclear amount of time, but is noted to be early on). In saying that, I mean much of Owen's story is given in a way that can be difficult to unwind if you take what he is saying, and what is said about him, at face value. There is how he would like his actions to be perceived as, how others assume he is acting, and what is actually being meant by his actions.

Like, guys, his very first event SSR has him take Riquet out on a trip to Northern Country after overhearing him and the Sage talk about sightseeing. He brings them to a place that is described as beautiful, that must be below freezing, yet, they barely feel the cold (Akira wonders if it was because of Owen's magic, I am certain they are correct - Akira almost dies arriving in the North without proper protective magic during the actual event story). When do events take the turn for the worst in the card story? When he is doubted, first by Riquet, who he laughs off, and then, again, by the Sage. Owen is someone who plays to others expectations. He immediately takes credit for Nicholas' plummet in MS1, because wrong place, wrong time, it was assumed he caused it. When he debuts at the party, he is greeted by fear and despair - the manga depicts him with a quiet, almost sad expression before he breaks into a trouble-making grin - and being greeted by the disbelief of Akira at him calling them to the balcony, he already knows what part he is going to be playing with them. Not to mention, he is introduced alongside the concept of words and titles being a curse (his conversation with the Sage is in the sub-chapter titled The Curse of Words). In the conversation following Owen leaving the scene between Oz and Akira, Oz specifically mentions the Northern Wizards when he is talking about beings crushed by the weight of their titles, so that they and others forget their name (I may be misremembering, theres an awful lot of story to remember, but in other instances of introductions that arent this first one, Mithra gets called Mithra of the North, while Owen gets called Northern Wizard Owen, person first, title second, vs. title first, person second, and this could fall down to translation differences)

You could make the argument that Owen hadn't given them any reason to *not* doubt his intentions, espicially on the heels of the oz-cide attempt, but Akira has apologized once already for blindly doubting him (like here), calling it a fate worse than death, and then proceeds to do it endlessly. That isn't a mark against Akira, Owen makes it hard to build that bridge of trust, and he does make it hard on purpose because of the role he is fulfilling, but I don't think he's acting here just for the purposes of enjoying the Sage's (and Riquet's) misery. When Riquet goes missing - whether because he wandered off or Owen obscured him with magic so Akira might separate from him, or whatever - Owen gets to have his little villain monologue about looking beyond what is beautiful to find the rotten "real" core. This is to him, a lesson, and one that would be supported by Akira's own doubt of Owen's intent on bringing them here. Yet Akira reacts with shock and fear at having that lesson spilled out - not second guessing this explanation as truth - and so the lesson turns to hypocrisy. This is a lesson he had learned after his own traumas, and that he is teaching in a "kinder" way than the way he had learned it. It can be assumed that with Owen's magic, he is aware of where Riquet is the entire time Akira is searching. The danger here is entirely illusory - neither of them report feeling colder at any point, meaning Owen's magic is still protecting them from the weather of the North. Of course, this lesson does go over Riquet's head, or more - he believed in Owen's intent after being shown the beauty of the North, and so his first thought is not that Owen had tricked them, but that the two had gotten distracted while arguing. Perhaps that only serves to highlight the same innocent purity that Owen was seeking to shake up, or perhaps it is Riquet's firm belief in his purpose (and the purpose of all wizards) that puts blinders on to what happened. Regardless, he is only upset because Akira and Owen are bickering.

Then Owen is called kind, he is thanked for his deeds, he is given a gift. Akira apologizes. All of these are things he does not expect; and is unused to how to cope with. Knowing how he feels when faced with compliments or other unexpected scenarios (per his affection story), one might assume that he would lash out, destroy the gift in front of them, or do something else to restore their bad faith in him. Yet... the worse that happens is that Owen leaves them behind when he returns to the manor, heart feeling weird and out of control - to me it feels like the safer assumption for the purpose of leaving them there was less active malice and more absentminded neglect. Maybe, knowing Oz's strength, he even expected them to be found by the others before it became a danger. One could argue that him giving away the snow rabbit was mean, too, yet... he cast a spell on it to keep it from melting nor are we sure the exact circumstances of how the twins got it (it is easy for me to imagine them bombarding him as soon as he returned and him throwing it at them). The fact that he was willing to protect this small, fragile, snowbunny rather than just let it melt away; that he did it when no one was watching is also significant. This is what he does when he has no audience, no role to perform. Wouldn't it have been easy to mock Riquet about the way his carelessness allowed the gift to melt? Or couldn't that have served as another lesson?

So here he is, sentimental and protective of a gift he might not have wanted to keep, but did not want to see destroyed. I think that alone shows that he is sweeter than many would expect from the rumors about him... Yet, pointing out any of this on twitter would get people derided, condescended to, vague'd about, or insulted for woobying him. Someone should not have to asterisk every single positive point with a (but he's terrible etc.) especially when he's not nearly as violent, as bloodthirsty, as horrific as some would want him to be. I wonder if part of it is because of how he speaks, but I firmly reject the idea that having a different style of communication, even if it is off-putting or scary, fundamentally makes you evil. None of mahoyaku's characters are perfect; some have flaws that more easily work as positive traits, or that aren't as deep as others, but I believe they all, fundamentally, are "good" or seek "good" morally speaking, regardless if that is something they're conscious of seeking or not, or if their concept of good falls into what a human might perceive as good. All they really need is the chance to show it.

[sanastrawberryy]

Hi again! After a whole week of drowning in projects, I’m finally free!!1!1!1!1

And now, idol au part 4 let’s go!!

The only difference is no google doc this time cause I’ve used all the spaces for assignments yayayayayay. So, it will be pretty lengy. To be honest, I feel the least confident about this part, so if you guy have questions or just want to say anything please please comment because it really make my day 100% happier.

Okay, hope you guys enjoy this, heh.

( Oh and here’s part 1 part 2 part 3 if you want to read, please read ehehehehe )

———————————————————————

Early in the morning, before he could fully wake up, Cube heard some voices calling from outside the door. Dragging himself out of bed, he opened the door to find Pentellow with an incredibly excited expression.

"Thank goodness, you finally woke up!"

"Finally? H-How long have you been calling me?"

"That doesn't matter, hurry up and get ready, today is going to be amazing!"

With that, the girl quickly left. People here really live in a rush; can't they spare a moment for others to understand what they're saying? He looked at the clock. It was 7:05 AM, he had slept through his alarm, and if Pentellow hadn't called, he would have overslept, which would lead to unnecessary trouble. Silently thanking the senior girl, he continued with his morning routine.

The way to the film set wasn't far, just about a 10-minute walk. When he arrived, Iris and Pentellow were waiting, while Pyrare seemed to be talking to another manager in the distance. As soon as they saw him, the two seniors stood up, more cheerful than the day before.

"You arrived just in time, I have something to show you, lil man!" The purple man pulled the still-sleepy boy into a crowded area.

"This is the main film set, where you'll be practicing this morning. I'm the male lead in a TV show being filmed here, and I had to postpone the shooting schedule to teach you, so you better learn well."

"And I heard that Miss Penta here has a role in another project, right?"

Upon hearing this, Pentellow proudly announced:

"That's right! I have a role, but it's just a small one, and it's my first role since I'm still learning!"

Iris chuckled and turned to Cube, teasingly saying:

"This lil miss here is a core member of the famous ARSUN group, with hundreds of performance invitations, yet she still wants to take on acting. Isn't that a bit too ambitious? I wonder if she'll have time for fashion shows too?"

Pentellow, of course, was not pleased and shot back:

"Hmph, if I want to be an actress, that's my business. The more skilled I am in different fields, the better, unlike your nosy self!"

Iris just smirked and walked away towards Pyrare. Pentellow glared at him and said to Cube: "Forget him, let's go, it's almost time for practice “

Cube couldn't help but relate the argument he just witnessed to newlywed couples in his old dorm, always bickering over the smallest things. The two seniors were so close that he thought if they weren't in the entertainment industry, they might have been dating for a long time. Love in showbiz, in general, and in Paradise, in particular, is a serious matter that requires extreme caution; otherwise, one could get caught up in unnecessary scandals that could greatly affect the work of the entire center. He had never thought about dating and had no intention of getting involved in any relationship beyond that of colleagues, so he didn't need to worry about this issue. And right now, his top priority was his first acting practice at the main film set in just 2 minutes.

Each trainee was randomly assigned a role from previously produced films to assess their abilities, from which a suitable development direction could be determined. Most roles were easy to perform, with only a few being more challenging, and only the unluckiest would draw those. When it was Cube's turn, he kept praying for an easier role since he had no knowledge of acting. Unfortunately, his luck ran out, and he drew a more difficult role, that of a prince sentencing his treacherous close advisor to death. After reading the script, he already knew his future, turning to Iris, who was sitting in the judges' row, with a pleading look, even though he knew it wouldn't help at this point. He saw Iris nod slightly, signaling him to do his best. He wasn't sure if he had the strength to do so.

After being briefed on some basic knowledge, the trainees took turns practicing their parts. Most of them had light roles, so the performances were generally okay. When it was Cube's turn, he wiped the sweat streaming down his face and stepped heavily in front of the judges. With no way back, he had to perform with all the remaining ability he had, hoping not to be kicked out on his first day.

His performance was… hard to describe. Fortunately, he didn't stumble over his lines, but overall, he felt he fell far short compared to the previous contestants. During his performance, he heard some whispers, which made his already minimal confidence plummet even further, somewhat affecting his performance. The judges, including Iris, all shared the same opinion about him: “Showed effort, but lacks skills in adjusting expressions and confidence." He breathed a sigh of relief, yes, relieved that he hadn't been kicked out of class and harshly judged, yes.

After class, Cube's group went to have lunch together in area 01. Iris sighed as he looked at him:

"To be honest, if I were the director, you'd be a backup for a crowd character, and that's if you were even accepted into the film set. From the start, I saw you weren't cut out to be an actor; I even intended to ask for you to be excused from acting classes so you wouldn't lose face, but that didn't happen. It's truly a miracle that you were kept in that class, but I advise you to focus on your music career instead; acting, on the other hand, is..pretty tough, for you”

Pentellow looked at Cube, forcing a smile:

"Hehe, I was going to argue, but he's too right. But don't worry! With your talent, shining on stage won't be hard at all; just believe in yourself!"

Pyrare, who had been silent until now, finally spoke up:

"What you two said is true. Cube, just because you're not good at acting doesn't mean you're lacking in everything else. I believe that as long as you have the determination to try, you'll achieve significant success, not just in music. I, along with everyone else, believe in you."

Cube felt deeply moved by the encouragement from the seniors. He wasn't upset about his poor acting, but hearing those words gave him a huge source of motivation, making him feel more confident. He was determined not to let these kind seniors down.

"Yes, I will do my best, thank you so much..."

The lunch break was only 2 hours long, and after eating, he quickly ran to the practice area from yesterday to prepare for the afternoon stage acting class. This time it was just theory, so the seniors didn't need to attend in the afternoon, which made him feel a bit more relaxed. When he got there, the seats were already arranged in the middle of the yard, with a few people scattered around. Cube chose a spot for himself and settled in, waiting for the class to start.

This stage act class didn't have much to offer, except for lengthy theories and some confusing movements that he couldn't quite visualize. At the end of the class, he returned to his room to prepare for tonight when he saw Pyrare waiting for him not far away. As soon as he spotted Cube, he stood up straight, his voice serious as he asked:

"Cube, I just received a notification from the event organizers for tonight's performance. They expressed a desire to invite you to participate in a segment as a backup vocalist, as the person assigned to that role fell ill unexpectedly. If you accept, they will prepare everything for you and postpone the performance time to give you time to practice."

He paused for a moment, then continued:

"Of course, you can decline; they won't force you, and you can still participate normally. I know this is very sudden, but I hope you can give me your answer as soon as possible, at least 30 minutes before 8:00 PM tonight."

Pyrare looked at him with a meaningful gaze, patiently waiting for the young boy in front of him to process what he had just said.

Cube couldn't believe his ears. He was invited to perform tonight, he was invited to perform tonight, he was invited to perform tonight. The performance was originally meant for graduates, at least for elite trainees who had been trained for years. Yet here he was - a kid who had only been accepted for less than three days - being invited to perform as a backup vocalist. This was truly an enormous honor for a new trainee like him, even if it was just as a backup singer. He stammered, asking the manager, hoping he had misheard:

"A-A-Are you serious? I… I was invited… a…?"

Pyrare, receiving Cube's response, sighed and continued:

"...They said you have talent and want to give you a chance to showcase yourself in front of the other trainees. This is a great honor; if possible, I would like you to accept this offer because it's rare for a first-year trainee to be invited to perform at such a significant event. But…”

He wanted to continue, but hesitated. Cube looked at Pyrare's indescribable expression, and his heart was filled with mixed feelings about this invitation. On one hand, the invitation was like a golden and diamond-encrusted opportunity, paving the way for an extremely bright future for a trainee just starting out in the profession. But on the other hand, he wasn't sure if performing on such a big stage could make him shine like Pyrare said. He had barely performed in front of a crowd since the interview, and like his three seniors said, he didn't have enough confidence to stand in front of an audience, especially when the audience was his peers. The two sides were fiercely fighting in his mind, making him unable to speak out and reply to Pyrare.

"You don't have to answer me right away. Think carefully before making a decision, you have until 7:30 tonight to answer me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go now."

Cube struggled with himself for a while without realizing that Pyrare had long since left, and almost everyone else had gone home. He just stood there, until the security guard came and patted his shoulder, only then he came back to his senses and hurriedly returned to the dormitory.

Back in his room, he looked at the clock, it was 6:32 pm, just in time to shower and have a snack. He thought about Pyrare's words, his tone at that time was very doubtful and seemed unhappy when he made the offer to him. This made him even more suspicious of that extremely precious invitation, wondering if he should refuse it or not. Besides, standing on stage in front of hundreds of people really made him nervous, his performance would be greatly affected. At that time, he was not sure if he could complete the performance completely, or become a topic of bad gossip for the other trainees, something he did not want at all. The golden opportunity had now become full of danger and risk, an inexperienced trainee like him could not take on such a big role without ruining it.

It was decided, even if it seemed stupid to others to refuse the organizers' invitation, he could not risk his image in front of the audience when he had just entered Paradise, especially in an industry where image was almost the most important thing. He quickly took a shower and had a snack, then turned to the door of the room. But as soon as he opened the wooden door, he saw the tall manager standing right next to him, along with the curious eyes of some people passing by.

“E-Eh, why are you here, and also, w-how do you know my room?”

“The managers know all the interns’ room numbers.”

“Oh, what a coincidence, I was also looking for you…um…”

“I know what you’re looking for me for, have you got an answer yet?”

Here it is, Cube took a deep breath:

“I-I don’t think I’m capable enough to…you know, perform on such a big stage. It would be better to let someone else…more experienced than me…I’m sorry…”

Hearing that, Pyrare’s expression relaxed a bit, he even saw a flash of satisfaction on his face, but it only lasted less than 2 seconds before returning to a calm and serious expression:

“I understand, I will inform the organizers about your answer. Thank you for thinking about the invitation, and once again I apologize for being so abrupt. I’ll excuse myself.”

Cube felt like a huge burden had been lifted off his shoulders, it was better than being a laughing stock to others. The trainees attending had to be present at 7:45 for roll call, he ran back to the venue with all his might, just in time for the staff to come out to count the number of people. The venue was huge, it looked like it could hold a thousand people, but the trainees were all placed in the top row of seats for easier monitoring. Cube deliberately chose a seat in the corner to be as far away from the organizers as possible to avoid embarrassment, but there was no such thing as spring when their keen eyes had already spotted him long ago, one of them even looked at him for a long time, making his back shiver. Unpleasant experiences automatically increased by 50%.

The performances were all very special and outstanding. Cube was most impressed by the piano performance by a female artist who had 5 years of performing experience, according to the MC. She had a gentle, refined yet indifferent style, and to be honest, he really wanted to learn from her. However, he couldn’t ignore the way the people in the organizing committee seats kept trying to talk to him, despite his best efforts to avoid and squeeze past each person to get out of the event. But, when a man pulled his shoulder, he knew he was done for, with no way to escape. The man saw him give up all attempts to escape, and said warmly:

“Mr. Hexahedron, it’s an honor to meet you. Come here, we have a few things to ask for your opinion, please don’t be so polite.”

From afar, a few curious interns lingered to watch, but were all reminded by the staff to go outside. This is trouble, he thought of all the reasons to refuse, but the other man seemed to read his mind:

“Don't worry, we won't take up too much of your precious time. Just relax, we'll solve it quickly if you cooperate with us.”

His actions seemed polite and humble, but Cube knew who was in charge.

“We heard about you from a veteran member of our management team. He had a good impression of you, which is rare for others, so we are looking forward to seeing your talent, Hexahedron.”

Cube guessed that the person in question was the judge from last time. Was he really interested in you to the point of telling the management team?

“It’s a pity that you didn’t get the chance to shine as we wanted today, but that was your choice, and we respect that. However, you still have many opportunities to prove your ability to us in the future, first of all is the new trainees’ gala next weekend. If you want, we will arrange a performance for you, at that time, you can perform in any form, we and the staffs will support you as much as possible to make the party go smoothly. What do you think about this idea? ”

Cube really wanted to run away right now. He had already refused the organizers' invitation once, now they were determined to keep him, he couldn't refuse and he couldn't accept. The manager looked at him patiently, his eyes showing absolutely no signs of annoyance or joy, making it impossible for him to guess what he was thinking. He racked his brains, trying to find a way out for himself before being cornered by the man in front of him. Of course, the best answer a minor could come up with when faced with a grown man's questioning was:

"I-I'll think about it, thank you for your concern, senior..."

..The manager laughed, Cube didn't know if he was looking down on him or not.

"Alright, please respond to us as soon as possible. We look forward to working with you, Hexahedron. You can go to your dorm now. Have a lovely night."

Cube bowed to him, walked out of the venue and ran back to the intern building as if he was being chased.

He locked the door out of reflex, even though the security here was very good, as if he was afraid someone would block his door and ask about this or that performance. The warm light from the room calmed his confused mood a bit, he quickly cleaned himself up and collapsed straight onto the bed. His whole body was limp, his limbs could not move as soon as he placed them on the soft mattress. When he was still working at the bar, because of his good physique, he often took on the task of carrying heavy boxes, and had never suffered any health problems. But after only 3 days here, he felt like his strength had been drained, both inside and out, and he had no mind to think about anything else.

Perhaps the only comfort was that tonight he didn't have to read a book to help him sleep, and he passed out like that, ending the third day.

———————————————————————

[bigsoftmarshmallow]

Hello!!

How's your day been? :D

I have ELady headcanon thingy that might expand ze fluff.

Despite how stoic Elady normally is, she's actually very expressive with her hands & arms. As a result, when she's around people that she doesn't trust, she tends to keep her arms folded over her chest, or by her sides, or hands planted on her hips, or folded together behind her back in order to keep them still.

But with someone she trusts, she uses her hands to gesticulate. Part of the reason being due to her fluency in Shadow Hand Speak (SHS). It's not an official Hyrulean sign language, nor do many even know about it to begin with, being mostly used by Sheikah & sometimes Yiga as a means to communicate with each other quietly on stealth missions.

She doesn't always use SHS when speaking, but almost out of habit, it feels unnatural to talk & not have her hands doing something. So, she still unconsciously uses her hands to get her meanings across or for emphasis.

It's just a bit of a quirky thing she does around those she trusts with her life. And one she honestly finds a bit embarrassing.

I think that Ganondorf thinks it's effing cute. And I believe that, sometimes, he tunes her out to see if he can figure out what she's saying just by watching her hand gestures. Which sometimes gets him in trouble when his Lady realizes that he isn't listening.

It annoys her a little bit when he does it, though she can never be 100% sure that he isn't listening because he always seems able to respond as if he had been.

Also, whenever out & discussing business or sensitive information, she tends to fold her hands over her mouth in a natural position to dissuade lip-readers. Likewise, she too can read lips.

I can’t help but wonder about his thoughts & feelings as he watching her attentively, yet also isn’t listening to her. Just, this entire conversation, & he finds her adorable, ridiculously charming, & amusing beyond words.

Like, I think he’d be internally snickering at her gestures.

That is so fuckin' cute! I also talk with my hands as well, even when I'm doing my job, which is talking to people on the phone. I always use my hands to emphasize what I'm saying or to help explain what I am doing. If you force my hands to stay still, I actually lose my words much more easily. I talk easier if my hands move.

I know a little sign language too! My ex in college taught me a little from her sign language class, and I retained some. Not much but a little!

***********************************************************************

Wind Waker Ganondorf

Thoughts and Reactions: Wind Waker Ganondorf is amused and charmed by Equal Lady's expressive hand gestures. He finds her quirks endearing and often watches her hands more than he listens to her words, trying to decipher her meaning through her movements alone.

Internal Monologue: "She's like a captivating dance, her hands speaking volumes. It's a wonder how she can be so expressive yet so guarded."

Response: When Equal Lady catches him not listening, he chuckles and gently teases her. "You know, I could watch your hands all day and still understand everything you say, my love."

Ocarina of Time Ganondorf

Thoughts and Reactions: Ocarina of Time Ganondorf finds Equal Lady's hand gestures fascinating. He respects her for her skills in Shadow Hand Speak and enjoys watching her express herself, even if he doesn't always listen to her words.

Internal Monologue: "Her hands move with such grace and precision. It's like she's weaving a spell with every gesture."

Response: When caught not listening, he smirks and responds smoothly, "I was just admiring your elegance. Your hands tell a story all on their own."

Twilight Princess Ganondorf

Thoughts and Reactions: Twilight Princess Ganondorf is deeply intrigued by Equal Lady's gestures. He sees them as a reflection of her strength and intelligence. He finds her habit endearing and often gets lost in watching her hands.

Internal Monologue: "Such a subtle yet powerful way to communicate. She never ceases to amaze me."

Response: When caught, he responds with a gentle smile, "Forgive me, my queen. Your hands are as captivating as your words. I couldn't help but watch."

Hyrule Warriors Ganondorf

Thoughts and Reactions: Hyrule Warriors Ganondorf finds Equal Lady's hand gestures both charming and useful. He appreciates her skill in Shadow Hand Speak and often watches her hands to see if he can understand her without listening.

Internal Monologue: "She's a master of subtlety. Her hands reveal as much as her words."

Response: When caught, he gives a playful grin, "I was just testing myself to see if I could keep up with your hand signs. Seems I still need to work on it."

Tears of the Kingdom Ganondorf

Thoughts and Reactions: Tears of the Kingdom Ganondorf is captivated by Equal Lady's expressive hands. He finds her gestures a delightful quirk and often watches her intently, enjoying the silent communication.

Internal Monologue: "Her hands speak volumes. Every gesture is a testament to her strength and grace."

Response: When caught, he responds with a warm smile, "Your hands are mesmerizing, my love. They tell a story all on their own."

Demise (Skyward Sword)

Thoughts and Reactions: Demise is fascinated by Equal Lady's hand gestures. He sees them as a symbol of her cunning and resourcefulness. He enjoys watching her hands, finding it a unique and intimate part of her.

Internal Monologue: "She is a force of nature, even in the smallest of gestures. Such power and grace in her hands."

Response: When caught, he chuckles and says, "Your hands are as powerful as your words. I couldn't help but watch them in awe."

Overall, each Ganondorf and Demise find Equal Lady's expressive hand gestures charming and captivating. They appreciate this unique aspect of her personality, and their reactions reflect a mixture of amusement, admiration, and affection.

[desistancejourney]

in the last year or two that I identified as trans (I considered myself trans in some way for about 5-6ish years) I felt like I HAD to keep feeling like I was trans in order for the things about myself to still make sense, it felt like an imposition, because any reason that I had to question it would be considered transphobia. And when I finally gave myself permission to stop doing that, I felt such a relief that I didn't have to do that anymore. It felt like a burden had left me and I no longer felt obligated to identify as trans, if that makes sense. And for several months after that the "trans" feelings weren't happening organically and I felt freedom to be myself because a female can be anything she wants to be, and i almost had trouble recalling all of the reasons I felt trans in the first place (I mean I understood some of the reasons logically but not the memory of the original very first feelings). But now that it's been over a year since I desisted, the feelings are starting to come back a little bit and it's been a weird experience. I have different thoughts and feelings about what these feelings mean now than I did then, but it's still interesting to see these feelings come up largely on their own without being surrounded by trans ideology like I was before. Like I'll have the thought "I really wish I were a guy" sort of out of the blue. Not "I want to look like a guy", not "I want to remove my breasts". It's more like "I think I would have been a lot happier if I were born a man." And while i would characterize myself as somewhat gnc, it's not even about that? It's just that I feel more like a guy than a woman. But when I push harder on that thought it almost always comes down to stereotypes and things that shouldn't necessarily be gendered but that doesn't stop it from hurting? And maybe it's the fact that I'm likely autistic but I don't really relate to or understand many of the women around me, or I do but not in the way I feel like I'm supposed to, whatever that means. The idea that "woman just means adult human female" has helped me in the sense that i don't have to be or feel any way to be a woman, and by simply just existing as a female person I am forcing the label of woman to be applied to me, and if I don't fit what you think it should mean then you're the one who's wrong, not me. But I still don't "feel" like a woman. I don't believe in magical gender feelings anymore in the trans ideology kind of way, but even among radfems (who I don't always 100% agree with) I still feel like there's a sense of being a woman that they feel that I just don't. I'm not trying to project "woman feelings" that they don't have onto radfems, I'm just trying to describe my own disconnect from womanhood, regardless of how its defined. I really would like advice on this point and maybe there's a way of looking at it that I haven't thought of. It's not that I "feel" like a man, either, in the sense that again, I don't believe in magical gender feelings, and also that since I am not a man (as in a male human being) I couldn't possibly know what it is to "feel" like a man. Even as I typed out "I am not a man", just now I felt a certain sadness; not like I was lying, it just made me very sad and that was unexpected. Sometimes when I feel this way I start to think that every lesbian has had these thoughts before. But I also see a lot of evidence that that's not true. I know there are other things that led to me thinking I was trans (trauma and autism for starters) other than just being gay. I guess I'm just surprised and confused that I still feel this yearning to be man even after desisting. I sort of convinced myself that a lot of those feelings were coming from the community that I was in, and I still largely think that, but there's still something inside me that contributed to my trans identification that I haven't dealt with yet. I just feel really sad about it today particularly and I wonder if any detrans or desisted women (or anyone, really) had some insight into this.

[shinjisdone]

Yo! I have this regarding Thorfinn and reader and bro when I tell you I fell in love with your writing. I DID. I FELL HARD. You write Thorfinn so accurately and I thought it was beautiful aswell as how you wrote canute but like I said I got this random thought in my head

What if we get a poly relationship or friendship between Thorfinn Canute and reader, what doy ou think it would be like and how do you think it will start and how will be like? For me personally I like do little imagines that they all like eachother equally, bit of fighting here and there but even if it's not going to be an actual romantic relationship between the three I just like the thought of Thorfinn gaining his own little trio

I would like to hear your opinion on this one!

(It's oki if you ignore this<33 have a good day!!)

AAA almost forgot about this but it's always ok to ask things or to share your own takes!!!

Sob sob you fell in love???? 😭😭🥰🥰 thank you so much! I do hope I will be able to continue having people fall so hard they can't get up

Ngl I do pat myself on the shoulder for writing Thorfinn in character (only cuz I am so obsessed I have to understand him 👁👄👁) but it makes me happy that Canute is seen like that, too!

Hm, I never thought of poly relationships but I think for it to start (and Thorfinn having an Trio is super cute, especially if its chaotic) I think it works best when Thorfinn and Reader are still Canute's guards. HOWEVER they'd have to do more than just travel (find themselves in shenanigans) AND Ragnar would have to be away a lot. The man is a massive mother hen who would not allow Canute to grow, let alone speak to the other two on his own.

For the vibe I'd say it's similiar to Spongebob, Patrick and Sandy (with Canute switching between Sandy, the voice of reason and Spongebob, who curiously goes along with Patrick's plans).

Thorfinn is 100% Patrick with his stupid ideas 😭 his overconfidence in his intelligence and strength causes him to think he's better than anyone. He thinks ALL the choices he makes are the best for Reader and Canute but no, no they're not. And when someone points it out that no, he's dumb, he's like "the inner machinations of my mind are an enigma" -> gets beaten to a pulp by Askeladd

And meek Canute just goes with it cuz he don't know better 😭 or he's like I've got no choice I have to trust these idiots to keep me safe

After his awakening he'd wake up as Sandy with an actual mind and thinking for himself. He'd often chastises the both of you for your poor decision-making.

And Reader definetely switches between Spongebob and Sandy too. Either they talk Thorfinn out of stupid things and get him outta trouble or just goes along with it completely because they trust him so much and are like 'do it or die - all with Thorfinn, my bestie!' while talking Canute into it too with the promise that they will look out for him.

It's just

Thorfinn does stupid and reckless thing -> Reader joins and drags Canute with them-> Canute cries not wanting to be there and tries to be the voice of reason

Or

Thorfinn does reckless stuff-> Reader gets mad and chastises him for it, makes better plan -> like a child of divorce Canute looks between them and just tries to get along with the best thing and wants to please both of them.

[roobylavender]

someone posted this panel regarding oliver vs bruces parenting taking a jab at bruce that seems funny enough, like we can just like the post and move on but i checked the notes and apparently fans of each family are at war arguing with each other😭mostly shitting on bruce because oliver is the better parent and somebody brought up how when queen and his kids were having issues at some point that it was ooc and while i am not super well read on GA stuff i can definitely buy that, but what i dont understand is why that isnt allowed for bruce. i saw tags concerning the other horrible things bruce has done as like a gotcha to bat fans and its like why are only his comics the ones we take at face value as 100% accurate and in good faith am i wrong for finding this dumb😭

not at all i totally agree it’s dumb lol 😭 the thing that confuses me about the bruce v oliver debate is that i don’t get why there’s a need to compare when their parenting issues are at completely different ends of the spectrum. granted i do think both of them have issues with communicating but those stem from different things. every problem bruce has as a parent has to do with how he neurotic he is about being a parent to begin with. he cares too much, he worries constantly, he carries reams of guilt, etc. he’s constantly arguing within himself whether to keep the people he loves close so he can make sure they’re safe or to let them go so they can pursue their own dreams and aren’t put in harm’s way bc he asked them to stay. he’s like, a conditional-helicopter parent, in the sense that the helicopter gene only activates when people are in his city, which is why he allows them to walk away bc then it means he’s not trying to control them (except we obv know that leads to the problem where they feel like he’s pushed them away bc they think he thinks they’re not good enough)

oliver to me in comparison is someone who initially did not take parenthood seriously enough and almost treated it like he did any other relationship. unlike bruce, he was very intentional with treating roy like an equal—when i use that modifier at the beginning what i mean to say is that bruce was very cognizant of his position as a parent. dick’s safety was a higher priority than was dick’s self esteem (at least beyond the zucco incident which had a very specific goal of closure) even though bruce very much came to believe that dick was his equal, esp as an adult—and to the extent that when roy got into serious trouble with drugs oliver not only expressed this sort of condemnatory disappointment but also only expressed pride at roy having recovered from his addiction later on bc it was something he did on his own. he respected roy’s responsibility and maturity even though realistically as a parent he should have stepped in to help bc roy was still barely an adult and he had fallen prey to drugs bc oliver left him alone in the first place

those are both styles of parenting that i think you can criticize. there’s pros and cons to being too protective of your children vs not protective enough. and i think people tend only to criticize the former style and its example in bruce bc a recovery of his relationships with his children has never been the goal in the way that it is for oliver’s writers. which is a shame bc i really don’t think you or i believe bruce is as intentionally selfish as writers portray him to be. but alas 😭

[countrymusiclover]

100 - Not Little Girls Anymore

Part 101

Gemini Runaway

@icefrye19 @secretdreamlandmentality

Stomping around in the woods I clutched my hands into fists at my sides feeling anger boiling in my body. The wind blew my hair in my face before I just lost it. Throwing my hands out in front of me breaking the bark off trees into tiny pieces that were almost too small to see. “Universa ruina I tenebras ra damis infinitum..dissulta.”

Raising my hands up again the trees smashed again and the wind began picking up. Gripping my hair tightly in my fingers I heard someone coming up to me where I spun on my feet showing my fangs at whoever it was. “Get the hell out of here unless you’re looking for a fight!”

“Raelyn, Woah hey don’t bite my head off. It’s just me.” The figure stepped out from behind one of the trees that I had destroyed where I saw Cami with her hands raised in the air.

The veins underneath my eyes slowly went away when I slumped my shoulders calming down at the sight of her. “Cami, what are you doing out here?” She had moved back here about two years ago so she could work at one of the bars here like she did when she was human.

“Freya called me and told me that you’re brother, Hayley and Andrea are missing. If you want me to help track them I can. But I am also here and I can provide some booze and an ear for listening.” She claps her hands together with a weak smile.

Blinking through some tears I pushed my hands inside the pocket of my jacket. “I’d say booze after I get to rip whoever took my brother from me!…..but right now I…I need a hug. Jacob and I have never been apart like this since he came back from the dead.”

“Come here, Rae.” Cami opens her arms for me where I collapsed against her, beginning to sob in terror that someone might hurt them. “Hey ever since I have met you and your brother even when he was just a siphon witch there is nothing that stopped him from fighting back.”

Holding tightly onto her shirt in my fingers I croaked through some more tears. “I just don’t want to lose him, Cami. He’s…he’s still my brother…my twin brother.”

“You don’t have to explain it to me ever. I would give anything to have my own twin brother back in my life. All you should know is that I am here for you always.” She broke the hug holding my forearms seeing that some tears were falling down my face.

Sucking in a breath I felt my phone go off when I read a text from Freya that said people were gathering at the compound asking about Henry the newly turned hybrid. “Thanks Cami…oh Freya says there’s trouble at the compound. Someone wants Henry out of town.” She grasped my hand in mine and we vamped into the main entrance of the compound where I saw Vincent where I immediately got angry again.

“Raelyn Mikaelson, I thought we had an understanding about you and your children staying in this city. And now I have to deal with one of them making a hybrid. I’ll throw you out of-“

Raising my hand I shut him up with a silent spell stomping up to the witch who thought he could do anything to me. “Silencio, at first I thought you were helping us but you’re not. The truth is now that I look at you, you really just wanted them gone. You wanted my family torn apart!”

“Of course I did. This city was in danger and now it isn’t because I put the Hollow into the Mikaelson’s. You asked for my help to save your daughters and your niece so that is what I have done.” He somehow undid the spell I had used throwing me against the wall where I growled about to charge at him.

Cami vamped in between Vincent and I before I could hurt him. “Wait, wait, wait. Just stop for a second here. Okay Raelyn just wants her family back together. Can’t we find a way to bring them back and not destroy the city?”

“Cami, you can’t be serious now. When you were human Klaus compelled you without a thought, you nearly died multiple times. And then you became a vampire after Klaus’s ex forced Raelyn to turn you. So I don’t understand what makes you still be friends with this family. They only care about the ones who they share blood with!” Vincent raised his hands up in the air rolling his eyes at the former human.

Pushing around Cami I grabbed his shoulders about to throw him until I saw Jackson and a wolf from Hayley’s pack coming into the compound. “Now isn’t a good time Jackson!”

“I’m not here for my mother’s request. The wolves have been saying they want the Mikaelson’s back in this city. Lisina, tell her.” Jackson put a hand on the black woman.

She stepped forward giving me a half smile. “Hayley convinced us all that you were a good person before you gave us your blood to become hybrids. And we have been told about this wedding between your daughter and Jackson. So we will fight to make that happen. Because you made our suffering stop every full moon.”

“Thank you, Lisina. I appreciate the support.” Taking her hands in mine I smiled back until I saw some rain outside turning red like blood which couldn’t be good. “Uh, there’s something I have to take care of first. So you all should go home before the storm comes in.”

“You told him to come back, didn't you? Oh there’s gonna be trouble people.” Vincent began running out of the compound in a panic.

Vamping upstairs into the alcohol parlor I covered my mouth with my hands instantly crying happy tears by who was standing in front of me. “Oh my gosh, Nik!” He smiled in my direction with his hands in the pockets of his jacket leaning against the wall.

“Hello Raelyn.” He smirked through some tears of his own before he vamped forward and I did the same until we met in the middle. Jumping up I wrapped my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck.

He wrapped his arms around my back where his blue eyes focused on mine and didn’t break away ever. “Please tell me I’m not dreaming right now. That you really are here after all this time.” I shuttered almost not believing that I could physically feel him underneath my fingers.

“You’re not dreaming, Rae. I’m here….I’m right here and I am not going anywhere until we reunite our family.” He rested his forehead against mine where our breathing picked up. I gripped his jacket in my nails leaning forward finally kissing him after five years.

My heart races even though it no longer has to beat to keep me alive. My hands go around his neck as he pulls my face closer to his, his lips inches from mine. "I tried to forget the desires but I can't Nik. I can’t live my immortal life without you. You are my life, Klaus always and forever." I brush my hand through his hair before he vamped my back against the wall trapping me there.

I part my lips nodding my head slowly before his lips gently leave kisses on my neck. I gripped his hair in my hands moaning when he hit my sweet spot. And he moved his hands upward cupping my face in his hands kissing me deeply. “You are my life too, Raelyn. I have spent a thousand years on this earth but these five years without you has been the worst torture of my existence.”

“Vincent ruined us…he ruined our family that we had. And I….I want to make him pay. I -“ I cut myself short sniffling through tears until I moved my hands over his shoulders removing his jacket and tossing it across the room.

My arms moved to the hair on the back of his neck shuttering out a shaky breath feeling so much desire built up inside me wanting to come out. Nik moved his hands and started to remove my jacket, crashing his lips to mine like kissing me was what kept him alive. Once my jacket is gone he starts kissing me harder again, my hands gripping his locks seconds before we heard footsteps coming up the stairs causing us to separate partly from one another.

“Dad!” Missy hollered with Hope and Alina coming in seconds after in utter shock.

Klaus slowly moved away from me stomping up to our daughters. “Do you have any idea what you've done?”

“What are you talking about?” I raised a brow at him, shifting my gaze to our girls seeing that the anti magic bracelet I had put on them had been removed somehow even though I was confident that they couldn’t remove them. “What did you all do to get the bracelets off?”

Alina stepped forward clutching her hands into fists at her sides. “We found someone who could touch the bracelet and snap them. Jackson did it without a second thought because he actually cares about me mom.”

“I’m going to kill Jackson!” Klaus threatened under his breath until I sent him a glare knowing that he wanted to but then Mary would want war against our family.

Hope finally spoke up sitting down on the couch hitting her hands on her knees. “We knew it would take something big to bring you home.”

“So you had your little hybrid friend attack your cousin and her parents?” He scolded his first born daughter.

Hope rolled her eyes thinking that their plan was perfectly fine. “Henry just did the heavy lifting. And "attack" is a really strong word. They’re fine. In a really nice coffin, sleeping. Mom cloaked her in a sleeping spell for five years until I wrote a better one myself.”

Her father threw his head back grumbling. “Oh, well, in that case, I've never been prouder. Where are they!”

“You're just gonna go disappear again if we tell you ... .and then mom will cut our communication with you all together like she did for almost two years until we did something about it.” Alina snarled, crossing her arms over her chest glaring at me.

Nik ran a hand over his face seeing some flowers by the window that had bloomed were now dead. “Alina, you are in danger when we're in proximity. I know you feel that. The dark magic inside us manifests itself in ugly ways. We could be putting others in danger, too. The whole city.”

“I don't care! You’re our father and we deserve to have you in our lives no matter what it takes.” Alina stomps up to him glaring up at him with her head tilting upright slightly.

He flashed his werewolf eyes at his second daughter. “This is not a debate, Alina!”

“Dad, we missed you. And while you have been gone all mom has done is keep secrets from us. Alina is supposed to marry Jackson and leave….she wants to split us up!” Missy starts crying, pushing her hair out of her eyes.

Shaking my head at them I spun on my feet gripping my locks in my fingers. “I had a hard enough time grounding you all before. And if your were anyone else who kidnapped my brother I would tear you in half. But I can’t do that because you're my kids ... .our children and yet I need to spill blood!” The vampire veins and fangs appeared when I whipped my head around towards our daughters.

“You are making it harder for me to not trap you in our room for the next few days and make love to you over and over again.” Klaus smirked at me with a small crooked smile, slumping his shoulders and running a hand through his hair. “The little girls I knew would never have dreamed up a scheme like this.”

Hope got to her feet, throwing her hands upwards. “Well, sorry to disappoint you. But that little girl hadn't read your memoirs. You compelled Cami O'Connell to write your story. About a guy who used to put his family members in coffins and use them as leverage.”

“So you've studied my old tricks. Did you learn this one?” He bent his head down slightly smirking before he was standing in front of Hope and he grabbed her head seeing the three coffins inside the attic of the old church. “She's at St. Anne's.”

Hope shoved him away from her sniffing through angry tears. “Get out of my head!”

“You could die. Just by standing here, I could be destroying you. I'll ask your mother to take it easy on you. Okay? Good-bye, girls.” Klaus threw his hands out in front of him. He glanced from me and back to his daughters with some tears.

“We know some tricks too, daddy.” Missy raised her hand shutting the door in his face before he could vamp away. Grabbing my husband's hand I dragged him out of the room and into ours, locking the door behind us knowing we needed to talk things through. Because a Mikaelson reunion was never easy.

Comments really appreciated ❤️

[heavenwontbethe-same]

Hey!! Long follower of yours but I've only recently been back on Tumblr and I just saw a post about Cordelia being the one who should have died in CoT. I was curious about it and read the tags and I'm already disappointed in Cordelia/CC. Because I really like Cordelia but I haven't read CoT yet, so if you're comfortable could you maybe elaborate a little? Just so I can understand if I should be prepared to be disappointed in Cordelia in CoT when I finally read it. (I don't care about spoilers so have at it). I'd really like to know your thoughts<3

hello! i would start off by saying that when you do read chot, to go in with an open mind because of course what i will be saying in this post is my own opinion and my perception of the books will obviously be different to how others see it. this post is going to be long and incoherent at points, i do apologise beforehand.

with that being said, i liked cordelia from the snippets we got before tlh even came out. i liked her in chog, even though there were certain moments that made me pause - her allowing her friends to make whatever assumptions or comments about her brother they liked without her ever blinking an eye, because she was too concerned with fitting in with them. but i still liked the book and still liked her.

choi is where i started to dislike her though, and it literally took me almost 2 years to finish choi because i found cordelia so insufferable.. in the very beginning of the book, alastair is looking out for her and wants her safe and out of trouble and says as much to matthew, but cordelia berates him in favour of her friend (page 17). at this point, cordelia knows the truth; if not in its entirety, then at least a considerable part of it. at the wedding reception, her friends are hostile to her brother despite all his attempts to be cordial. i believe at one point they even suggest that alastair made cordelia uncomfortable? the same alastair that sacrificed most of his life to protect her? and all before you're even a 100 pages into the book (page 96). she says, on page 297 to matthew, "perhaps you think i am terrible, still loving him." of course, she thinks it, she thinks alastair is kind and sweet and vulnerable, but god forbid she ever said any of this to her friends in her brother's defense. this post by @thepictureofsdr on cordelia and her continuous reluctance to defend alastair in any way shape or form is very well said.

and that was all just the sibling aspect of it. she continuously lies to lucie, her supposed best friend and future parabatai, about lilith and james and even matthew, while shunning lucie for keeping secrets of her own. lucie tries to talk to her, apologises for not telling her, but she can't move past it even though she literally did the same.

*chot spoilers*

in chot, during every battle or fight, she was reluctant to lift a weapon in order to not summon lilith. valid, but instead of seeking shelter, she would just stand there and wait for danger and have her friends babysit her while fighting off demons. there's a fight in chot where grace is inside because she can't fight. cordelia also won't fight but she's out there, not helping her friends fight them off, but also just standing there as a sitting duck waiting for them to attack??? and they eventually do attack because why wouldn't they, and three people are distracted from their own fights trying to save her. assuming you already know who dies, they die trying to save her here, all because she wouldn't lift a weapon but has to be in harms way anyway.

she hands off cortana to alastair, who not to mention lives with their heavily pregnant mother, knowing that demons now had a special interest in cortana after she became lilith's paladin. she eavesdropped on her brother and charles, when it was not her place to do so, she eavesdropped on james and grace and caused a whole other problem. she ran away with matthew to paris and led him on even when she knew she'd never get over james. she kissed matthew and ended up comparing him to james but still continued to kiss him anyways. she'd be in james' presence but think about grace even after james' continuous assurance that he felt nothing for her, and then she'd wish she was with matthew instead. every time she was in james' presence, she'd fixate on grace.

she did get more tolerable after she knew the truth, but that was such a small portion of the book and my opinion of her was already negative by then. she then goes on to rehash the lucie and lying thing even though it was resolved earlier in the book. the book ends with the epilogue stating that attitudes to her brother had changed because he had changed. and that was true, alastair wasn't closeted anymore and had changed, but cordelia follows it up with the line that he wouldn't have to worry about fitting in with her friends anymore, and that hit me the wrong way.

the overarching themes of her dynamic with most characters, whether intentionally or not, seemed to give off a holier than thou attitude. she never held herself accountable but was comfortable doing it to everyone else, even if her actions caused the problem in the first place. her relationship with alastair was particularly disappointing, given how much he sacrificed for her and how she was at times disappointed/ashamed to even be related to him. this just reminded me how this applies to edwina's character from the bridgerton show too, but i digress.

she never really had any character development throughout the entire series, so i would've preferred her dying instead of an actually interesting character.

[dullyn]

I'm interested in your perspective writing the arthurian legends for pre/early teens! It was a huge obsession of mine at that age (and now lol) and I just encountered the incest etc as part of the story - at that age I just wasn't troubled by it. Your experience sounds a lot like mine where those elements were more impactful as an adult but maybe less so as a kid. Could it just be incorporated passingly/not graphically rather than changed? Its such a strange thing to navigate. Good luck on your writing!

Okay so what I’m doing with mine is relying on two things: uninformed narrator and being a little picky&choosy with what I have in my story.

My narrator is Lancelot as a 15 year old boy fresh out of the Lake World except he’s very unaware of everything as I’m making him more of a modern guy sent to Camelot than a boy raised with fairies determined to Be A Knight. So this gives me some leeway as he’s a bit stupid (said with love) and does not entirely understand all customs/happenings around him so that the kids reading can like learn it along with him.

Then with the picking and choosing, I think it’s nice that there is just So Much Source Material for the Arthurian legends cause it means I can write about the knights doing almost anything and it will have happened at some point. (Hence the joke post I made where I said I gave Hellawes a dragon, cause why not). So I can like stay away from the crazier/unethical events that happen in the main plot of my story (Like Bors and Claire cause I hate that so much). Though not entirely deviating from the legends as a whole. I don’t think I’m going to mention the whole incest thing in this book, maybe in the future, and that is entirely because if I ever publish it I would rather not have my story be classified as something Mature and therefore not be shown to the entire intended age group (Cause people are weird about books).

My ultimate goal is for it to be more of a gateway for kids to read it and get into the official legends, then for it to be a 100% recreation of the stories warts and all. Kind of like how PJO is a kid friendly adaptation of Greek myths (ish) and got a lot of people into Greek and Roman mythology. (I am not in any way saying I am similar to Rick Riordan and his skill as a writer, I’m just a college student typing away at my laptop). I just want people to appreciate Arthur and the Knights the same way I did as a kid (and still do).

[awellboiledicicle]

I do appreciate that Hypnos’ character, and his interactions with Zag, lend themselves perfectly to them sitting there wondering what would impress.... a family of farmers that’d probably just like Demeter to take a fucking nap and let it get warm outside.

Like bc Hypnos is Hypnos, he 100% logically knows he could show up and be like “i’m a god, i want your daughter, peace” and leave with her. He knows that. But he also knows she’s spent so long convinced she’d somehow failed being a woman because she didn’t get married ‘at the right time’ and would be forever bummed if it wasn’t done the right way-- and the right way is giving presents and impressing her father. But he’s just barely convinced his own mother that he’s even passingly in the right mindset to get married, let alone knowing how to project “suitable son in law” vibes. He’s still only got one friend that isn’t Timo herself. He doesn’t technically have a job that mortals would consider a job, per se. Not to mention mortals think he only sleeps all day when he’s not making people fall asleep! Not a great first impression.

But like he’s only worrying about all this because he knows Timo would/does worry about it. BUT ALSO, he’s grown up around gods-- who have a totally different culture to how they do things. Same with Zagreus, who is trying to help bc he has a heart of gold. So like, Hypnos has context but trouble articulating the why of what he’s doing, and Zagreus has the why--help friend marry for love, how sweet--but not really the context because that just... isn’t a think people talk about in hades. 

The convo with Nyx was probably a shock for her, though. Because again his character lends itself to him being very, very focused on a very, very specific thing and just... not articulating it until it occurs to him he should.

so it was kinda just him floating up like

"Heeey, i know we're not talking a lot, independence and all that, buuut! It's good news this time!" "Yes, my child?" "I, er. Well i'm planning on getting married!" "... pardon?" "Yeah! There's this mortal girl--and i know, i know, i'm ... me, so keeping a wife is a BIG step. But! I love her a lot, so i figured i'd let you know! Oh, do you want to know about her? I made a list of things i like about her, if you want!" "Hypnos, i... am unsure you understand what you're proposing." "you'd think, with my track record! But, you know, i just... Mother, i really, really love her. Its so much easier to focus on things when she's with me-- sure it's things like music or remembering history things she tells me, but she makes me feel like i can do everything! I want her in my life and i even have a plan to marry her! But i don't... know about mortal things. And you know, well, almost everything! I know you don't like me asking for your help, but i want.. I want to make sure she gets married the right way, and not just... me bringing her here." A long pause. "Very well, if you believe yourself ready to undertake such endeavors. Tell me of this woman. Let me learn of who has so enraptured my son. If, then, she seems sound and you still wish my aid, you shall have it." She then gets to listen for four hours to hypnos excitedly talking before he actually gets to the 'i was going to ask for Heras favor so i would override whatever the other guys offered and get me some pure olympian ambrosia to grant her immortality and then Hera could marry us as gods--' part.

[marshmalleaux-queen]

This post is going to be weird, maybe uninteresting, kind of personal, and definitely cringe (you're 100% allowed to say it), but honestly, I'm writing it almost entirely for myself. "Peace of mind" kind of thing, I guess.

Back in 2011, when I was 14, I discovered a roleplay page on Facebook for Romano from Hetalia. I made a post there as myself (Cici - not an OC or anything) and ended up in an RP almost 1,000 comments long. We took it to other posts on occasion and even in the DMs for a short time (after DMing pages became a thing), but after a while we both kind of disappeared from each other, I think.

I was in a very bad place around the ages of 13-15. I won't go into detail but it was bad enough that most of it is actually a total blank in my memory. Those RPs and the person behind the page are some of the very few things I do remember, because they were honest-to-goodness like a light in the dark for me, and I don't really care how cheesy that sounds. I remember sharing all my problems with them pretty much every day (well...more like saddling them with my problems, if I'm being real) and, god bless their soul, they took all of it and responded with in-character comfort. My troubled teenage self couldn't have fathomed a more perfectly-written Romano, both classically stubborn and tender and understanding of my troubles.

The admin running the page was a veritable angel herself, taking time out of her day to check on me and make sure I was healthy as I could be at the time (...maybe not so strange in hindsight since I was sort of a...concern). All of this despite the fact that she was also dealing with her own issues - something that I really wish I had the capacity to acknowledge sooner, because I definitely don't think I supported her nearly as much as she supported me.

...At least, that's how I remember things. Those few years are so fuzzy in my memory that I very well may be imagining some things that didn't actually happen, or forgetting things that did. Not only that, but the original post has since been removed and I can't find a single trace of it anywhere, save for a note on my laptop that says I posted it on July 14, 2011 (but literally nothing else).

At the very least, I know for a fact that the comfort I received from her was real, and despite everything, I remember it fondly. It's not as though it consumes me, but for the past decade-or-so since then, I've often wondered how she's doing and if she's happy. The whole thing holds a special place in my heart that I've never been able to let go of 100%. A small part of me still genuinely thinks I wouldn't be here today writing this if it weren't for her.

...So, it's a really, really long shot, but...

Destiny, if by some astronomical chance you happen to see this and remember me, I want to apologize with everything in my being for all the heartache I must have put you through. I feel incredibly selfish for worrying you so often, and even if I was young and hurting it was no excuse to burden you as I did. I want you to know that I'm not in that dark place anymore, and I haven't been for a very long time. I'm still not 100% (is anyone ever, really?) but I am much healthier than I ever thought I'd be. I don't know if I'll ever get to speak to you again - maybe you don't even remember me, or want to associate with me if you do (in which case I truly can't blame you) - but at the very least you deserve an apology, and maybe even this bit of closure.

[dragonmistressivy]

I want to die. We had to get up at like 5 oclock and i only got 4 hours of sleep. Also we went to the beach again for like 2 hours. Somehow everyone is still just as hairless including the guys. Whoch i don’t understand. I know my roommates aren’t shaving so how the fuck are they still nigh hairless when i have hair literally 2 days after i shave my body. Also they haven’t shaved their faces once but have almost no facial hair. Please fate why must i have fucking trouble genetics? Also the trans girl i mentioned seems to be a ok with wearing a bikini. I wish i looked like her. I will never be pretty. How dare fate make me hate myself more by showing me people who have the better version of my life. It seems she doesn’t feel dysphoric. Also not a good thing but she misgenders the trans guy which is odd because she is trans and they have been sharing a room a few times so you who think he would tell her especially given he is openly out. I mean his father misgenders him constantly which sucks for him. Unfortunately i am jealous of him. He got the perfect body for a trans guy and also he also doesn’t seem to feel dysphoria i mean he was a ok with going swimming with swim truck and a tank top. I wish i could just have a body i could like. My body just can’t be fixed or even repaired completely. Also both of them have partners with alex(the trans guy)’s gf on the trip with him. The trans girl(i should learn her name but i haven’t talked to her yet for multiple reasons. First i look like a guy and a weird guy at that, second i am almost 18 so me just talking to her would be weird in general, and third i can’t talk to strangers) also has her gf on the trip with her. I am unloced and unwanted. I don’t even have friends and everyone around me has partners and friends and loved ones. I have none of those. This trip is taking my want to die right this second from maybe a 8 or 9 out of 10 to like a 50 out of 10. Why did i sign yp for this two years ago. Also the little bit of repuption i have has been destroyed by this trip because i have been in so much pain and have been complaining nigh constantly about it so i look off and i hate it. Also can people not graduate me for doing things that others can do easily because all it does it make me feel different and worse and that makes me want to die. Also i just hurt all over and Tylenol hasn’t been helping. I hate it. I just want to be home. This trip is shorting my life. I will probably die sooner than later than i excepted. My mental and physical health is being destroyed by this trip. I want to jump from the balcony but it wouldn’t’t be tall enough to die me just tall enough to make me a paraplegic. I can’t become more disabled than i already am. And if my life continues my body will fsll apart and it already feels like it is and i have done nothing to cause it to feel that way. I don’t smoke, i don’t drink, i don’t party, i don’t do dangerous things, i don’t do drugs, i don’t have sex, i have done nothing to cause my body to feel like it is falling apart already. Some of the pain my mom complains about having i have and she is like “wait until you are in your 40s and your back will be in pain”. My back is already in pain most of the time along with most of my body. I just hurt almost 24/7. My body is a failure whoch i am trapped in just to suffer until i die. My life will never be good or even decent. My body is a failure and a mistake. I should not have been born. If it weren’t for modren medicine i would not be suffering 24/7. I just want to be happy and painfree but that will never happen. Not in this life time. I just want to have a new life where i am able bodied, cis girl, rich, and have friends, partner/partners, and loved ones. Or just the bare minimum of able bodied cis girl. I will end myself some day but i am trying to prolong my death until i can 100% die. I don’t want to be trapped here worse off unable to do anything. If only my bio parents didn’t have sex or even if just my bio mom never did drugs.

Her life would be better and all the kids she has birthed wouldn’t suffer. I don’t like suffering. No longer my brother tried to commit twice. Been years since he did that but he did try. I will not be stopped when i eventually do. It will probably after i move to college so i can be in a large city and jump from a tall building. I am never getting a driver’s license because of the way i look. I will be dead before i turn 20 hopefully. I want out. I want to cut but i can’t because don’t have any knives with me. I want to do some drugs. I can’t i just want to not feel any pain and feel good. I want to be happy and painless. I am never going to be either unfortunately. My therapy is going to hsve been a waste of money along all the surgeries i hace gotten or all the other things they have spent money on me. I am a waste of money and time. Why can’t i just die? Why? Please. I want out but i can’t get out. I hate it. Also we are going to the again tomorrow so i will be in worse mental health than i am now. I want to go home please. I just want to go home. There is 8 more days of misery minus the flights back home. I can’t see my therapist until the 17th. I need to see her right just very second. I want to be happy. I am not. This tour is getting worse by the minute for my mental health and i am making it miserable for everyone around me. I should never have came on this trip. If i am alive by this school year i am going to a different school no matter what unless i drop out and go die. I literally just see my death in my near future and it is looming over me and i want it to take me please. I am glad i have the room all to myself at the moment. Ny roommatesare swimming in the pool. This hotel is fancy for some reason. Unfortunately only staying here tonight. I just want to go home but we can’t until everyone else goes home because that would be a waste of money and most of the tickets home are sold out anyways. I am never leaving the country again at least not temporarily. I am never going on a trip again. Literally everyplace we have been feels exactly like how it feels when seeing a picture of it so i could have just looked up the places and feel the same but with less pain and suffering and no money wasted. We have wasted around 6.5k dollars on me to go on this trip. I would have preferred to just have that money to buy stuff i want or to save up for surgeries instead of a trip which is making me even more suicidal and in pain. One of the surgeries i want is only like 5k so i could have used that money to get it as soon as i turned 18. Also i want laser hair removal so the money could have been used for that once i turn 18 as well. I still hate how a few months ago my parents made an awful joke about getting me laser hair removal for Christmas. I will never forgive them for that. They got my hopes up and burned in two sentences. I hate them. They only care for my physical health and not even completely about that. The literal only reason i have therapy is because we dis the sos(signs of suicide) lesson like every year and just time on the survey i answered that i have felt suicidal so they basically told my mom to get me a therapist so she did because she doesn’t want me dead. Too bad she is going to have a dead daughter someday and not a living son. I will be gone someday and they will feel sad that they made my life worse and made me want to die so many fucking times and that they ignored almost sll the warning signs. They even make fun of my depression which makes me want to like stab them or something. Like please stop. Also can my mom not basically shame me for hating myself and not wearing a swimsuit to the beach. I want her dead. I want gone. I just fucking suffer. I hate it in this world. I want out now please.