#i am so worried about him
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the more I play the more I think lucanis basically knows it's illario who betrayed him right from the beginning (he's had a year in the ossuary to think. not that many people knew where he was going. when you ask him 'did Illario know you'd be on that ship' his only answer is the hardest flattest 'yes' you ever heard). so it's not so much about figuring out who the traitor is (because that's ludicrous. we all know. immediately. they didn't really bother to hide it lmao) as about methodically closing off every single avenue of denial lucanis has clung to that whole time with as much or little gentleness as you might prefer until he has no choice but to admit it. because the moment he has to admit it, he'll have to do something -- feel something -- about it. and that's such a catastrophic event in lucanis' inner landscape (he has had TWO people in this whole entire world up until now and will do anything to hold on to them with a heartbreaking child-like desperation, even at and especially through the detriment of his own self) that he'd rather just. not. what if we quite simply. didn't. what if we just stayed here in the emptiness where we can both pretend you didn't hurt me in a way I should never forgive. I have so much practice in that with caterina already it's always worked out great for everyone so far. (press x to fucking doubt but that's trauma logic for you lol)
after everything illario did, so much of the storm of lucanis' emotions around it is 'what the FUCK did you get yourself tangled up in this time and how do I get you out of this mess safely'. what's worse: the fact that your brother murdered you, or that he put himself in horrible danger doing so and thus exposed you to the risk of losing him forever. lucanis' heart certainly has an opinion here and it's fucking unhinged (affectionate)
the themes of dissociation in lucanis' character in general makes me feel nuts. allllll these contradictory messy things he needs to cut off from each other because they can't coexist or be easily reconciled inside him. but all remain stubbornly true separately anyway and will have their due one day. love and resentment. tenderness and fear and rage. terror and longing. love and freedom don't coexist. the burned out golden child anthem is playing in the background. he was always caterina's favourite and he has to keep striving to deserve that dubious honour with every breath he takes and then, presumably, mercifully, some day he will die and be excused and can rest. and until now he's suppressed all the -- natural, healthy, protective! -- negative feelings that threaten the few attachment relationships he actually has, at the cost of ever actually having his needs for connection and safety met and leaving his core self imprisoned and compromised. and spite goes 'what. no. that's dumb fuck that' (*spite voice* I do not understand that and even if I did I would not respect it) and does not allow him to fall back into that, which I think is what saves his life, ultimately. it took being possessed by a demon for lucanis to even contemplate telling anyone he loves 'no' in any way, but hey. whatever gets you there right lol
lucanis is dealing with the freeze response allll the way down baby. and he was even before the ossuary, that just turbo powered it and brought it to a breaking point way before it could happen naturally. but something was going to break eventually no matter what, and I'm just glad that in the end, through the power of friendship and also pure spite, it doesn't have to be him
#I am worried about him all the time. but also: his found family of godslaying maniacs and also the power of love. there are reasons to hope#when there was only one set of footprints in the sand that was the veilguard party holding lucanis in their arms#and going 'excuse you he said no FUCKING pickles!!!' while he's like '🥺should you guys really be -- ' 'YES'#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#lucanis dellamorte#dragon age meta#there's some messiness to his arc but what mary kirby managed to capture here about how this works. is everything to me#he is so exactly for me. I'm sorry for all the people he turned out not to be for. but not for him being for me#the gift of looking at him and hearing 'you're more than what you're going through' and be forced to annoyedly go 'okay#MAYBE that could be also be true for me. maybe.' he's going through it. and also so much more and the funniest person in the world#he's so worth it to still have in the world!!!!#I'm so glad we don't get to 'fix' his relationship with his family and especially caterina actually#that is stuff that would need to happen on a time scale waaay outside of the one in this game#and there's Something very real in having to go 'this is not for me to decide for you. who you love and what you do about it is yours'
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boop! 💙🤍
#drawing this reset me as a person my my crops are watered and my skin is clear#this is the most wholesome thing ive ever made in my entire life#based on the one panel from the mlp comic where theres sonilver hedgehogs in the background being absolutely adorable#i made. the lineart so cute and i was so worried about the rendering but im actually. pleased with it.#thank u silver your cuteness made my self criticism leave for a while....#this didnt even start out as really ship art but god they are so cute. what the hell. i need to go look at sonilver art.#i love silver...hes such a good guy#i recently read gotf and my love for him has grown tenfold (you can also probably see the inspiration in my colouring)#i am making a gotf fanart soon!!! i have a little sketch cooked up#it is sonadow as expected of course#anyways!! here are the two best boys for you#sonic the hedgehog#silver the hedgehog#sonilver#my art
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the response to the ant gon au was insane, here is some more on it
#I headcanon Gon associate Killua with joy so he will only start to remember him/his previous life when killua laughs genuinely with him#gon keep his sweet heart as an ant but he wouldn't be nearly as worried about a 'stranger' as he is with killua#hxh#hunter x hunter#gon freecss#killua zoldyck#killugon#ant gon au#man i gotta do more comics i am a little rusty uyguytft#mari draws#ant gon comic
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my absolute delight at seeing that the riderboys DO in fact have special magical girl transformation sequences --
(now if they really wanted to commit they would go full sailor moon with the ribbons and bubbles and sparkles, hint hint toei)
#art#ride kamens#the most important thing to come out of the op bar none#'but what about the plot reveal and the villains and the --' BAR. NONE.#wait no they also showed that kamui does have the dangerous zombie spine on his back so that's two important things#(i am worried about leon though. w-why did he get a big glass crack effect over him. leon are you gonna be okay)#(the game hasn't even started yet and i'm already worried about him)
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Yeonjun about the strain he felt while preparing for his debut solo project ✙ "GGUM" MAKING FILM
#yeonjun#choi yeonjun#tomorrow x together#txt#ggum: making film#gifs#creations#userzaynab#useryeonbins#skyehi#rosieblr#megtag#hibiebear#heyiri#ultkpopnetwork#kpopccc#kpopco#this are like the rawest emotions we've seen from him... I feel... it's really sad to watch him like this#i mean I know they're under lots of pressure and stress#It's only natural when you work with so many people who you could potentially disappoint#and I know it was his choice to make this solo project happen now but i feel like the company could manage his schedule better#because why he films till 3 am and then right next day has a flight to another country for a concert...#and now we know from soobin they're super busy again#I'm worried his body will just say 'enough' one day and something bad will happen :(#and you have him work so hard and stress and then all this losers online whose biggest achievement is getting 100 likes on a post#writing the worst things about him for no reason... its not that hard to be kind and you dont need to have an opinion about everything :D#at the end of the day that celebrity you hate so much is still pretty and successful#and you're just a friendless jobless empty-headed rotten fool with likes on a post that mean nothing once you close the ap#I'm just glad all this is still fun for him and that he has such a great support system: his members family staff who care about him and us#all we can really do is support them and send them lots of love fr ;; you've done well my jjunie ily ♥
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Hey . hey !! trick or charlie give us that shirtless charlie. There IS a time and place and thats FOR ME and RIGHT NOW
OKAY OKAY JESUS enjoy the treat I guess damn kids these days so demanding
#HUBBA HUBBA#I was doodling next to my gf#and they looked over at Charlie and was like ‘I��m worried about him’#like yeah ok his sad man swag is very evident but she just sounded so sincere#now I too am worried for him. someone *cough*oscar*couch* hug this man rn#ask#malevolent#detective noel#charlie dowd
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Steve could always see the dead, since his grandma died when he was six and his papa when he was seven. He’d have conversations with them at the side of his pool about his day until the breeze swept them away. He’d always liked the dead more than the living, not that people would understand if he’d told them.
He’d sometimes go out and sit in his pool chairs to talk to Barb, the girl that hated him alive and even more now that she’d died. She never blamed him though. She’d rant and she’d rave about the injustice of it all but unlike Nancy, she never blamed him for her death. She just let him listen to her dreams and hopes that would never occur.
After Vecna and their last encounter with the Upside Down, Steve would talk to Eddie. They’d lay side by side in his bed surrounded by plaid and talk about what could’ve been. Big metal tours, traveling, dreams being made, guys, girls, even the kids on occasion. They’d even talk about what they could’ve been, once upon a time. But when night turned to day, Eddie would fade away and Steve would be left all alone again.
He might be able to see both alive and dead but through it all, he was alone.
#oh dear this was so much more depressing than I thought it would be#I am so sorry!#Eddie comes back every night and Steve’s love along with One’s powers being him back#then he and Steve can be together in real life#After that Steve doesn’t have to worry about being alone#stranger things#steddie#ish#steve harrington#eddie munson#ficlet
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Imagine looking at a character whose entire premise is that in every stage of his life, he's made every version of himself into someone that inspires people to such a degree that EVERY SINGLE VERSION OF HIM has people wanting to literally follow in his footsteps in some way or another.....
And coming to the conclusion that like.....the most important things about him are the sum of all his trappings. His entirely homemade developed from scratch could not exist if not for what he already was and brought with him BEFORE crafting this newest version of himself trappings, with his greatest trait throughout all of it being his adaptability; his ability and willingness to roll with the punches and not try to simply weather any opposition or changes to his life but instead reshape himself as needed to better fit INTO whatever new shape his life and the world around him takes. All while managing to carry the most innate, fundamental and necessary aspects of himself from one version to the next. Thus every single version of himself is different but simultaneously every single version of himself is also undeniably the same person.
The strength of this character, to me, will always be that he can be so many versions of himself, he can become so many things, all without ever actually losing or discarding any of the aspects of himself he considers most essential, the things he's not willing to lose or give up just to keep going. Finding that road not taken by most, usually because most never even think to look for it as an option. But one that he's always able to find because the one trick he's mastered in his tumultuous life is threading that needle of not just digging in his heels in an unproductive way but rather being selective about when and where he makes a stand and decides "this is not a thing I'm willing to compromise about" but here are places and ways I can and will change and evolve and adapt in order to make it possible for me to hold onto these parts and keep them as they are.
And that's why its always so mind-boggling to me that so many writers can't seem to think of anything else to do with Dick Grayson other than invent some new reason for him to just....not be that person, or to like just take the character whose most basic fundamental trait he's NOT about to compromise on is willingly giving up his spot in the driver's seat of his own life.....and make him just a passenger in his own life and stories.
Dick Grayson at age nine....at age nineteen...at age twenty nine....the one core thread running through all versions of him is the only way he's standing back and letting you call the shots for him or putting him on the sidelines in some way is over his dead body.
HOW he goes about that, what that looks like, who he becomes and what aspects of himself he plays up at some times and what traits he lets fall by the wayside at other times when they offer less in service to his primary goal here....that changes constantly. He changes constantly.
But those changes are almost always (or at least they used to be/should be IN MY OPINION) made with the intention of keeping certain things about him or his life as consistent as possible.
That's the duality of Dick Grayson that I'm here for. The inherent contradiction of him that COULD allow for endless conflict and breaking new narrative ground in all sorts of ways if mined properly:
His eternal willingness to compromise....but only ever in pursuit of doubling down on the ways he's not willing to compromise.
Forever walking that tightrope in ways that only a kid born and raised in a circus could ever hope to.
#see also: my grinding teeth when people disparage his circus origins#like the only thing its good for is colorful backstory and explaining his acrobatics#THERES. SO. MUCH. THERE.#theres so much EVERYWHERE in every aspect of his backstory and his preexisting comics and yet over and over we get#....what if we just ignored all that and did what the fuck ever as though this character has nothing integral to him or fundamental to say#to be fair my gripes with Taylor are not exactly interchangeable with my gripes with the previous runs#but I lump him in as an extension of them because while evocative of different SIDES of my ennui with these takes on Dick.....#the thing about Taylor's stuff to me (or the parts I read at least) is that its generic as hell while only retaining superficial elements#of Dick's character and stories in order to point to them and say see these are definitely about Dick Grayson. like....only in very surface#level ways. underneath that theyre basically generic superhero adventures that could easily be retooled to be about a pretty sizable number#of other characters. tbh with the whole alfred inheritance thing it honestly felt from the get go#that Taylor was more interested in writing a kinder gentler Batman like a Bruce from one of the animated shows like#The Brave and the Bold who gets along better with everyone else. even the way the Brave and the Bold largely exists to use Batman's#popularity as a star vehicle to platform his co-superhero for the episode lends itself to Taylor's approach in his NW run#with the central figure - only nominally DG imo - basically existing as a platform allowing for the drafting of any other character he want#to write in any given arc or story in a similar way to how Bruce is utilized in Brave and the Bold#anyway. idk idk. my issues with Taylor are not the same as the others exactly but also they are and also I just plain dont like the guy#so I complain about him at any given opportunity even when its not technically as accurate or relevant as it possibly could be#I Am Flawed. its fine though dont worry about it. its called being nuanced
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the fact that irving canonically survives through the end of asunder to be at wynne's funeral is so fucking funny to me. nothing but love and respect for MY unstoppable cockroach morally grey machiavellian mage dad!!! he's survived in his position through multiple attempted rites of annulment and blood mage plots popping up left right and center around him. the chantry keeps trying to stamp him out but his dodge game is simply out of this world, divine. civil wars, political machinations and minefields, chantry atrocities, this wily old motherfucker is dodging and weaving his way through it all, not-quite-no-hits-taken-running-it-but-honestly-close-enough-under-the-circumstances style. if solas does succeed in tearing down the veil I would fully believe that one of the like three people still alive at the end of it all would be a very weary 90 year old first enchanter irving going 'oh this shit again huh'. the maker has cursed him for his hubris and his paperwork is never finished (affectionate, it's fine he canonically loves paperwork)
#we should have had the option to leave him in the fade instead of hawke or a warden#he would've just annoyedly shuffled his way back out of there a week later#dragon age#dragon age origins#first enchanter irving#he must be SO annoying to the chantry because it's heavily implied he's made his playground#out of tirelessly finding technicalities and loopholes to exploit that they can't *quite* call him on without domino effects going off#I think first enchanter in the circle system at origins times is a position that invariably and inevitably leaves you morally compromised#but I feel he really does his best within the rules he's given to play with and personally i love him a bit for that. and also#for being an unkillable lil shit. insufferable. inconquerable in his 'I'm about to be such an annoyance to you' impish spirit.#the I'm going to suffer but guess what. so are you of it all. traumatize the chantry back#I just imagine sophia sending letters home right before the vote for independence like '...dad I am hearing some INSANE rumours out here#what the actual fuck is going on back home???'#and he's like 'nothing that you need to worry about sweetie just keep living your best life and have fun killing darkspawn <3'#(there's something that makes me feel So much about how consistently his stance is like... 'you'll always be welcome here#but the circle doesn't *need* you; go be a warden and live your life'. he managed to fineagle freedom for you somehow and won't let you#turn and glance back. not even once. I feel somehow both so abandoned and so incredibly loved it's wild)#oc: sophia amell
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I can't find it now but there's a post about suspension of disbelief and how it's broken when the story starts trying to excuse it. "character gets knocked unconscious for hours but there's no further issues from this" okay 👍 "and actually this makes perfect sense because of this and that" um no it doesn't why are you lying to me. like i am willing to ignore the holes and the discrepancies!! all you need to do is let me and not bring unnecessary attention to it!!!
and all that is my issue with the whole robin child soldier argument. like i am willing to ignore it i am willing to engage with the fantasy literally all you need to do is NOT try to convince me that Actually It's Fine Because They Want To Do It or whatever. like literally just shut up about it and i can engage with the fantasy!!
#my dc posting#dc#robin#batman#like. if you want to tell a story and not worry abt the child endangerement thing just DONT BRING IT UP ???#all you're doing when you bring it up is telling me this is something i'm allowed to think abt when it comes to the story#and then you tell me Um Actually It's Fine ?? no! what the fuck are you talking about!!#i am tryinggggg to just have fun n read fics your lil “isnt that child endangerement and kinda fucked up?” “no actually they wouldve done i#anyways bla bla bla batman couldnt have stopped them bla bla bla''#is COUNTERPRODUCTIVEEE#dick grayson#jason todd#tim drake#damian wayne#<- tagging the robins sorry#sorry this just. this topic annoys me so much#...also ''batman couldnt have stopped them/they wouldve done it with or without him'' are literally#just factually incorrect in jason's case. he did not in fact start on his own and the only thing batman wouldve#needed to do to stop him is literally just NOT make him robin BUT- at this point im just beating a dead horse on that topic#w how many times i bring it up lmao#like. in real life you cant just knock a person unconscious for hours with no consequences on them.#but i dont care when it happens in fiction despite being not realistic!! bc its fiction!!!#unless of course the characters out of nowhere do a lil sidequest PSA abt how actually doing that is fine#and completely safe with no risks#yknow??#like if that happened id be annoyed and like no its fucking not fine why are you trying to convince me. just move on and dont bring it up#and I wont bring it up#anyway. yeah these are just some thoughts im having rn sorry its not more coherent and put-together i cant be assed rn lmao
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Prompt 299
Hear me out- Ghosts have wings. They have wings, which are affected by their cores, and can make them disappear from sight if they want or need to. You got that? Good.
Ecto-contaminated people? Don’t have wings. Liminals and Halfas, who have developed cores? Do have wings, and they can’t hide said wings, because unlike ghosts? Their bodies are physical living flesh.
Now Gotham? Ecto-contaminated, there’s no doubt about it. The amount of portals that have been opened there and death pits and death cults… yeah it’d be surprising if it wasn’t. But again, no one really notices, because at most? Most just get a bit of eyeshine.
The Bats however? Oh man are they freaking out when they wake up with aches in their back and feathers starting to poke through their skin. Curse? Nope! Welcome to Liminality, enjoy the second puberty of wings, emotion-sharing, fangs, claws, and whatever else you might develop- also enjoy the whole eating fear thing. (Wait, the what-)
#DCxDP#DPxDC#Prompts#Liminal Batfamily#Except for Jason who is straight up a Halfa#Halfa Jason#Comes out from the Pits with massive fuckin wings bursting wide from his back#Which is hilariously how the batfam figure out that Red Hood is Jason almost immediately when he returns to Gotham#And Jason is so wrong-footed the first time he gets utterly slammed with the rest of the fam’s emotions and utter Joy at him being Alive#Jason has albatross-shaped wings that have protruding bones & a glittering underside like an explosion or falling star#In human form they’re more naturalistic red-brown colors with black & white patterning#Bruce’s wings are massive black ones that fade to a gray on the top like a moving shadow#Dick’s is deep blues & flickering stars & dust#Do you see my vision#Shadow Core Bruce#Star Core Jason#Storm Core Dick#Wind Core Tim#Shadow Core Damian#Light Core Cass#Sun Core Duke#Sea Core Steph#Earth Core Barbara#yes this includes metals#yes Steph can control water & paints & has canisters full of glitter water for mischief#Remind me to describe the others’ wings#because I am worried about running out of tags or Tumblr eating them lol#but also imagine ghost chirp au too#And it could even be before the JL have formed or it could be after#But if it's before JL form or early JL I just think it'd be funny if they only know Batman with wings lol
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You have to choose: whose lives are important to you?
In order to be a SOLDIER, you have to have dreams. And honor.
#edit: also i updated it with a slightly lighter background#thinking v hard tonight#aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa#bb risked his safety/glory at shinra for other ppl 😭😭😭#also to the anon who requested another scene#rest assured i am getting to it#it's just a little longer so it's taking me longer#final fantasy#sephiroth#miniroth#ff7 ever crisis#ff7#v worried about what will happen to him#ff7 first soldier#my art
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something i've already posted about in the past but am thinking about again because of the conversations in this episode is that i still truly do not understand bells hells'(well, particularly ashton's) view on what is going to happen if the information about aeor gets sent out to the people of exandria. obviously, i'm not an average person living in that world and am instead a viewer of the media with fairly extensive knowledge of the lore, so i could definitely just be missing what the impact would actually be! but the insistence that it would be a world shattering revelation that completely turns everyone against the odds just... doesn't make sense to me?
unless ludinus has a way of editing the information he presents and can take away the context, which would basically make the "footage" even more strange, what they're going to be seeing is... the gods saving themselves from people with the active ability to murder them all and having a rather humanizing crisis of what they should do about it? i guess the working with the betrayer gods part could be considered the controversial aspect of it, but overall, considering everything else that was destroyed in the calamity, aeor really was the one instance that was closest to being "justified". i don't think anyone who cares enough about the gods for this to cause any sort of big disruption of faith would have as big of a problem with it as they are assuming, nor do i really think it's something that would cause mass revolts against the gods in people who aren't devout.
#critical role#cr spoilers#i have spent so much time thinking abt this tbh. so much of my brain power is dedicated to thinking about religion in exandria#i do admit that i'm thinking about it in a way that is very logic-driven when if in the scenario itd be more emotion-driven#this is just nonsense from my thoughts attempted to be put into words that make sense to anyone besides myself LMAO#i was gonna add another part about why their idea that it will Massively interupt their power is strange also#considering the fact they watched a freshly Completely wiped out of followers everlight have the same power as all the other gods in aeor#but this post is long enough and i feel like whenever i post about this im worried abt how it comes across#so i dont feel like adding on to it anymore than i have sjskfn#i am honestly just very tired of god debates. i think there was more interesting parts in last night's than some of the others#but it feels so circular every time. and i still love you orym for being the one who sees this and i want to give him a kiss about it
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The duality of the Scourges of Avernus 🔥💖
#bg3#baldurs gate 3#karlach cliffgate#wyll ravengard#wyllach#my art#fantail postings#animation#I love the Karlach bit but the wyll bit gave me sooo much grief#but I couldn’t not have him there so I am posting without worrying abt perfection#through gritted teeth. haha I don’t care about perfection#it’s fine!
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Retirement Party
Interlude A
Read on AO3
<<First Chapter - < Prev Chapter - Chapter Index
Contains: No Y/N (2nd POV but Reader is an OC), Kidnapping, Forcible relocation, Plus-sized Reader/OC, female Reader/OC, John goes to mandated therapy, Manipulation, domestic daydreams, abuse of CIA connections, hey Kate's here!
~3.3k - MDNI - Less of a darkfic at this point, but just be mindful
It’s strange to be back in London.
John still comes here once a week— A staunch refusal to switch to a new therapist, even if it would save him the short flight from Aberdeen Airport every Friday, his whole day eaten away by travel and the hour appointment with Dr. Clara.
He doesn’t like her. She thinks he’s stubborn and resistant.
She’s probably right.
For the first time, he thinks it might be a good idea to switch. Or stop coming in personally, conduct therapy online. Being away from Dalisay bothers him. He doesn’t like that she’s alone in the house. If something happened, he’d be so far away. She’d seen him off, kissed him at the door, said she’d make dinner for when he got back. She wasn’t going anywhere. She didn’t want to. He had to trust her, even if it was a difficult thing to do.
It would probably kill him if he came home to an empty house.
“How have you been, John?” Kate’s voice on the phone sounds worried. He must have been in bad shape when he saw her last week. He hardly remembers. He feels like his old self again, centred, steady.
“Good. Better. Soap introduced me to someone.” Introduced being a generous term for what happened. “She’s been stayin’ with me.”
“You’re seeing someone?” The surprise in her voice is palpable. “John—”
“She’s somethin’ special, Kate. You’d like her.”
Kate hums in a way that implies that she doesn’t believe him. “What’s her name?” she asks, faux-casual. She wants to look Doll up.
“Dalisay Valmorida.” In truth, he wants to know more too. Without any resources, he couldn’t find much. Doll kept her social media private, and snooping through her email hadn’t revealed much of anything either, except lead him to a totally anonymized profile on a kink website that told him that she was interested in submission and ropes (could she be any more perfect?), and had a few pictures of the prettiest tits he’d ever seen. She has a tattoo on her ribs, apparently, floral and intricate, and he wants to drag his teeth over it. Hopes he gets a chance to. “But I’m not worried. She’s a sweetheart, Kate.”
“She’s staying with you?”
“Yeah.” He wracked his brain for something that wouldn’t sound both criminal and insane. "She was living in a bad neighbourhood, and lost her nanny job. Soap—”
Kate makes an amused sound. “Thought you needed looking after, huh?”
“Somethin’ like that. We were in a position to help each other, I s’pose.”
“How long has she been there? You didn’t mention her when I saw you last week.”
“She’s only been there since Friday night. Her place got broken into, we moved up the timeline.”
“There’s something you’re not telling me.”
“Kate, there’s lots of things I’m not telling you.
“John, when you say you’re seeing her…”
“It’s new. It’s nice. I have a good feeling about Doll. I’m trying not to rush things, but you know me.”
“Well. Let’s grab lunch after your session. I’ll see what I can dig up before then. Usual place?”
“Sounds perfect.”
“Alright. See you then.” She hangs up, brusque as ever.
He gets off the tube at the next stop and walks to the low-rise office building his therapist works out of. Greets Brenda that works the front desk, sits in the waiting room. He’s fifteen minutes early, just like always.
He sends Doll a text while he’s waiting, just asking how her morning’s going, and gets a response almost right away, a picture of the puppy they’d gone to see last week. The picture’s blurry, the pup too excited to hold still.
Doll: Mel came by after she dropped the kids off at school. We’re having tea at hers (:
John: Have fun, sweetheart.
His chest loosens a bit. She wasn’t planning on leaving him. She’s making friends with his friends, putting down tentative roots. He didn’t have to worry. He didn’t have to worry. He thinks about talking to Melissa about adopting the little thing. Seeing Doll coo and fuss over a puppy would probably make him act like a fool, but she’s been forgiving about the more honest things he’s said so far.
"John?" Dr. Clara calls him in. "Nice to see you. How was your trip down?"
"Fine. Same as always." John sits in the usual chair, and looks around the room like usual, clocking everything in it's usual space, except the tissue box on the table and a trashcan sitting closer to the chair than it’s usual position. Every other week the appointment just before his is a watery sort of woman, but he had been looking at his phone rather than at the door, letting himself relax enough to not notice the woman leave the room. "How are you?" Its a perfunctory question, going through the motions of politeness.
"Good." Dr. Clara settles into her own chair, notebook out. She's close to his age, beautiful in a cold, precise sort of way. Thin, a perfectly straight razor sharp bob framing her face. "Who were you texting?" she asks.
This throws off their rhythm. Usually she starts by asking if he'd done any of the journaling she asked him to do (he never did), and then if he'd gone down to the local legion to connect with other veterans (he hadn't).
"I— She's a friend. Of Soap's. Stayin' with me for a bit. String of bad luck, poor thing, lost her job and her apartment got broken into in the same week." The half truth comes more easily the second time. "She was really shook up."
"And you don't find the introduction of a new person into your routine disruptive?"
John frowns. "I think her comin’ along was disruptive in a good way. I needed to change some things around."
Dr. Clara raises her eyebrows. "Oh?"
"Eatin' better. Couldn't be arsed to cook just for me, but I'm gettin' three squares a day now. Haven't had a drink since Saturday. She likes a cuppa around the same time I'd usually have a night cap. Sleepin' a bit better." He bites back a smile. "The other day, I was workin' outside while she painted-- She's an artist, and a bloody good one— and she reminded me to rest my ankle. Still gets sore when I push too hard."
"Tell me more about her."
"We're still getting to know each other, but she's sweet. Patient. Not afraid to tell me what she thinks."
"Why would she be afraid?"
"I can be… well, you know how I can be. And she's just a soft little thing. Wouldn't blame her if she was nervous." John shrugged. "She's beautiful too.. Brightens up the whole room when she smiles. And funny. Makes clever comments. And has this way of celebrating moments for no reason at all. Had me spinnin' around in the rain the other day. Thinkin' about gettin' her a puppy."
Dr. Clara taps the end of her pencil on her notepad, clearly conflicted. This is the most John's spoken in a session without her having to pull it out of him word by word, but… "A puppy? John don't you think that might not be an appropriate gift for a woman you've known for, um…" she looks at him expectantly, waiting for him to fill in the gap.
"Well. A week," John admits. "But we've got a real connection. Something special."
"Is she planning on staying with you long term?"
"She might. I'd like her to."
"So you have intense feelings for a woman you don't know, and all your short-lived progress is based on her presence, is that what you're saying?"
John's eyes narrow. Of course it sounds crazy to her. She doesn't know Dalisay. "I know her."
"Do you? You met her just a week ago, John." Dr. Clara sighs. "Do you think maybe you see winning her over as a mission? That you're returning to that rigid military mindset that brought you to me in the first place?"
John shakes his head. "It wasn't the military mindset that brought me here. It was those damn pills."
"John—"
"No, I know what you're going to say. Don't bother."
“John. If you know what I’m about to say, I’d like to hear you say it.”
He huffs, and looks away, drumming his fingers against the arm of the chair. It’s hard to meet her steely gaze for long. He doesn’t like being scrutinized, and that’s all these sessions are. "You'd usually say something like, almost losing Soap led me to take risks I shouldn't've, that I blame myself for his injury, that the stress of trying to make sure my team never got hurt in a field where getting hurt is inevitable put me under tremendous stress, and that my own injury left me with nothing but time to contemplate my guilt. The pain killers were a way to turn the feelings off."
Dr. Clara nods, a wry smile tugging at her lips. "So you do listen."
"I don't see what this has to do with Dalisay."
She gives him a pitying look over her reading glasses. "You don't give yourself room to make mistakes, John. That inflexibility is the problem. If you build good habits on someone else's foundations, what happens if they leave? You'll be right back where you started."
“You’re so sure she’ll leave?”
Dr. Clara sets her notebook down in her lap and leans forward, hands clasped together. “It’s not about her, John. It’s about you. You are worth doing this work for. You have to be able to stand on your own two feet. People are fallible. Things happen, we lose people we care about. It’s part of living. The only person you can’t live without is John Price.”
He crosses his arms. “You told me I needed to make connections with other people.”
“I did. And you still should. But this is not what I meant and you damn well know it. Jumping into a relationship when you’re still struggling like this is not going to be healthy. You’re headed for codependency at best. If you really care about this woman, you need to consider what she needs too. If she told you she was seeing a veteran that struggles with substance abuse, that turns any negative feelings into anger, that can’t compromise or be flexible, that needs to be in control—”
“I get it. I’d tell her she deserves better.”
“So be better, John. Start with the journal. Actually buy one before you go home. There’s a stationary shop down around the corner.”
He snorts. “You get a commission for sending your patients there?”
“Yes, John, you’ve unearthed my diabolical plot. I’m in cahoots with the stationary store,” she says dryly. “It doesn’t matter where you buy the damn journal from. Write your feelings on the back of a receipt for all I care. Just try. If all you write down every day is that you hate that I’m making you do it, that’s still progress.”
“Alright, alright.” He supposes he can cede a little ground. Dr. Clara has been going on about that since their first session, so maybe there’s something to it.
He finds himself walking into the stationary store and breathing in the scent of paper and ink and glue. It reminds him of Doll’s art store. He wonders if she’d like a place like this. Probably. She’d probably tell him to listen to Dr. Clara too.
Running his fingers over the spines of the shelf of journals, he stops at one with a soft leather cover. He pulls it down and thumbs through the pages. He doesn’t know what he’s looking for exactly, but it has lines and a spot for the date at the top of each page, so that’s probably good enough. The man at the counter asks if he needs a pen too, and he glances at the one the man’s holding, a fountain pen with a shiny wood-grain finish, and swallows the no that nearly leaves his tongue.
“Sure. Yeah.”
He meets Kate at a pub not far from the London base. She’s still working, of course, just like he should be, but unlike him, she didn’t have a breakdown that cost him everything. When things happen that Kate can’t handle, she can beak down privately, and her wife puts her back together, better than new. He’s been envious of that for a long time, of that stability that Kate gets to come home to.
She’s working on something, tapping away at her phone when he settles across from her, but she glances up and gives him an apologetic smile. “Hey, John. Just give me a second, I have to finish replying to this email.”
He just nods, used to this. Kate’s always in the middle of something. He waits patiently while she works, and quietly orders a tea when the server comes around to ask.
He doesn't miss the questioning look from Kate. She sets her phone down and really studies him, eyes narrowed.
"What?" He asked.
"We've gotten together for lunch almost every week for the past year, and this is the first time you haven't ordered a beer."
"Don't feel like having one."
"You're sleeping better too. You look good, John."
He couldn't deny that he felt better. More like himself. Settled in his skin, engines rumbling, ready for anything. "I guess Doll's been a good influence. You looked her up?"
"I did. Not much of a presence online. Found an old art blog that she hasn't updated for years, has a couple of very sparse social media accounts. Was two years into a fine arts degree from Manchester university when she switched to english lit. Worked part time as an educational assistant in an elementary school, and then started working for Kevin and Isla Kinsey five years ago."
"That's it?" He's not sure if that's a relief or a disappointment. He knows most of that already.
"No. She's had some involvement in anti-war groups, nothing major, but I pulled that thread all the way to the terrorist attack on Piccadilly Circus back in 2019. Her parents were both killed."
"Huh." That explained a lot.
"Michelle actually knows her. She curated a show that Angela— her mother— was featured in. That's why they were in London in the first place."
"Christ. No wonder she dropped painting for so long."
"Has she picked it back up? She should call Michelle once she's put a few things together. She has what Michelle calls a compelling story."
"I'll let her know." He sighs. "Anything else?"
"She's an only child, but there’s lots of family in the Philippines, a grandmother in Aberdeen. A few cousins in Canada and the states. Pretty much all clean, keep out of trouble types. There's not much more I can tell you from my end, unless you want me digging through the filing cabinet at her old therapist's office. Old school, offline records." Kate shrugs. "I could. But I think you'd be better off just talking to her."
"Probably. Thanks, Kate. Kinda had it in my head that she was too good to be true." John flashes a smile at the server when she brings him his tea, and orders a salad, which really has Kate looking at him like he's mad.
"You keep this up, you could come back to work," she says. "You just need Clara to sign off on you. Which means consistency."
"Yeah. I'm tryin' her journal idea. Not sure that I'd go back anyway. Maybe it was just time." A few weeks ago, he would be chomping at the bit to go back. But now that there’s something else to give him some purpose, he’s not sure he wants to.
"Up to you. You're not there yet anyway. Now, I want to hear about this girl from your side." Kate picks up her soda (always diet, always something caffeinated) and gives him a pointed look.
He talks about Doll for a bit, gets a bit more work talk out of Kate, and when they part ways, they tentatively talk about Kate and Michelle coming up to meet her before long. It’s a nice thought. He'd like to get the lads back up too, but Kate’s a safer bet to start. Doll might forgive the boys if they grovel enough, and if things are looking promising between her and John. It's always easier to justify an overstep if the results are ultimately positive, so he has to make sure that Dalisay is happy and settled before he considers it.
It'll be a tough road if she doesn't want to reconcile with them. Not impossible, but he wants all of his people to get along. He wants his kids to know the men that have stood by him for all these years.
He sends a few texts to Dalisay, but there’s no response. He spends the short flight rationalizing why she might not have noticed her phone. Maybe she’d left it in her purse when she got back from Mel’s, or let the battery run out. She wouldn’t leave without telling him. She wouldn’t.
By the time he gets to his truck, he’s convinced that something’s happened.
He makes the hour drive back in forty minutes, parks erratically, and runs for the house, gravel sliding under his feet, his ankle twinging.
He tumbles through the door, half expecting a disaster, a crime scene, and instead sees something out of his most revisited domestic daydreams, set to some bouncy sort of pop music.
Dalisay is leaning over the stove, hips moving to the music, wearing a pretty floral skirt, socks pulled up over her thick calves to the knee, her feet sliding on the tiles as she moves. Her soft dark hair is up in a messy bun, a pencil and a paintbrush stuck through it. The whole house smells amazing, whatever she has cooking sure to be well worth the light lunch. There's a painting started on a canvas set up in the living room, just a soft gradient of blue and gold. And best of all, when she does a little spin and notices him at last, she beams at him. "John! You're home!"
"I am," he agrees, grinning back when she throws herself into his arms, squeezing him tight around the middle. He wraps his own arms around her shoulders, relishing the press of her soft little body against his. "How was your day, Doll?"
"It was really nice! I had a good time chatting with Mel, and I made dinner. And dessert even." She doesn't make any move to pull away, just looks up at him, pretty dark eyes fixed on his face. There’s an echo of relief in her eyes too, like she had been as worried about him, as he had been about her. "I'm glad you're home safe. You really go all the way down to London every week?"
He nodded. "I could change doctors, but I get lunch with a friend while I'm there— Kate. You'd like her. Maybe, once you're settled in a bit more, we could invite her and her wife up for dinner."
"Oh, that would be nice. So long as she's more sane than the friends I've met so far."
"Considerably. Can I kiss you hello?"
She hummed, as though she were considering it, although the laughing look in her eye said yes long before she gave a verbal affirmation.
He's the luckiest man in the world, he thinks as he leans down to kiss her soft lips.
Things are looking up. Things are good. And it's all thanks to to her.
He's going to make her the happiest woman in the entire world. She deserves nothing less. She deserves his best too, and he’s determined to be a better man than he has been in a long while.
She breaks the kiss by dropping her heels back to the floor. “Are you hungry? Dinner’s almost ready. We have time for a cup of tea first, if you’d like.”
“Sounds perfect.”
Image Credits: Banner - Banner Background - Dividers by @/cafekitsune
#Cave writing#Retirement Party#Interlude A#John POV#John Price x reader#x reader#John Price x OC#OC: Doll#We get a little insight into why John had an early retirement#and why the boys were so worried about him#Two updates in as many days? Who am I
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Voice actors are NOT the same as actors.
It takes a specific kind of skill-set and training to be able to warp and meld the voice. It takes a certain kind of talent and dedication to hone that talent into the ability to meld the voice and invoke emotion with one's voice alone. Actors are used to using their voice secondarily to their body language and their facial expressions. It's all mirrored back on camera. They do have nuance. But it's a different kind of nuance and a different kind of training to produce that nuance.
Voice actors might get their likeness transposed on their character's design, and maybe their mannerisms might seep into the character's animation. But when it's all said and done: their presence is in their voice. They are bringing a character to life, showing that emotion in their voice, trying to keep a specific accent, drawl, pitch, tone in that voice and keep it consistent for their recording sessions.
The voice actor is like a classically trained musician who can play first chair in a competitive, world-renown orchestra. The actor (who fills the voice actor's role) is like a moot who played violin in beginner and intermediate high school orchestra and thinks they can get into Juilliard with that 2-4 years of experience.
This doesn't mean that the HS orchestra moot can't play. They can even be really good at it. Maybe they won competitions and sat first chair. But they are not in the same league as the person who's been training their whole lives and lives and breathes to hone their craft using the instrument and all of the training they've ever acquired to perfect it. They are not meant for the same roles. They are not in the same caliber. You do not hire the HS equivalent when you want to play complex music in a competitive orchestra.
Actors are not the same as voice actors.
And furthermore, actors - especially big name actors - taking the roles of animated characters for big budget films or TV pilots makes no sense anyways when - at least in the case of TV pilots - there's not a point to hiring a big budget actors anyways. That money could be used elsewhere (like paying your animators), and the talent that is brought onto the screen for X character could then be hired on to voice said character no recasting required.
I wouldn't say voice acting as a profession is in danger exactly, but it's certainly being disrespected and overlooked for celebrity clout, and this has ALWAYS been an issue. Shoot, even Robin Williams knew that much - which is why he tried so hard not to be used as a marketing chess piece for Aladdin and got royally pissed off when it happened anyways. People shouldn't go to any movie (but especially not animated films) because "oh famous actor is in it". People should go because it's a good movie and the voice acting is good.
People who honest to god think that voice actors are replaceable because "oh well anyone can voice act" or "I like xyz celebrity so naturally it'll be good" ... Honestly I just wish you'd reassess your priorities because you're missing the point and are part of the problem.
Voice Actors ≠ Actors.
#(i am incredibly passionate about this)#(and seeing celebrity voice actors in what should be a voice actor's role completely burns my buns it doesn't matter WHO it is)#(hemsworth as optimus? someone tell me one good reason why they couldn't get a good v/a to replace mr. cullen properly for the future)#(ben shwartz as sonic? dude literally isn't even a good voice actor OR actor anyways-)#(- A N D jason griffith AND my boy roger craig smith are still RIGHT HERE)#(jason griffith IN PARTICULAR would have pulled back SO many sonic fans that went to watch the film anyways. if not /more/.)#(and on top of that he has the same tonality and energy they tried to force this moshmo to try and emulate anyways so GET THE REAL THING)#(chris pratt as mario? i can at least defend /him/ and say that barring his failure to do a NY accent consistently he wasn't terrible)#(but mario's new voice actor could've been used instead and people would've clearly appreciated that WAY more)#(vanessa hudgens as sunny starscout in mlp g5's pilot movie? literally why. they replace her and hitch's va in the show.)#(don't even get me started on the concept of hiring celebrity singers to do musical theatre roles or not letting musical theatre singers-)#(-dub the celebrity voice actors you just HAD to hire for your film bc you're so worried about not getting enough clout to get ppl in seats#(that you're putting it all in this (1) big name hire bc turns out that you have no faith in your writing ability much less-)#(-animation as a medium.)#(and no before anyone says anything : no this is not me saying that ALL celebrity voice castings are bad.)#(there are some that aren't that bad and others that are actually pretty good.)#(i especially appreciate it when actors are damn well aware they aren't voice actors and try to LEARN from voice coaches-)#(-and/or their va predecessors if applicable.)#(that does not change the fact that the celebrity shouldn't have been hired just because the film wanted to have bragging clout-)#(-oh look at this FAMOUS PERSON we were able to hire — yeah ok. sure wendy. i want to know if this film is quality or not.)#(and 9/10 times the SECOND there is money spent on a non voice actor to voice the main character especially)#(that usually means somewhere along the way animation IS going to get shafted. if not w the animators themselves then in the way of-)#(-the actual animation itself and ESPECIALLY the screenwriting because it's especially been so dogshit lately even before the strike.)#(a celebrity being hired to fill a voice actor's role is such an immediate red flag to me and it is VERY rare that i get to be proven wrong
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