#i am so time poor and also now literally have almost no money because of the car

[quarkscooljacket]

fuck man i am so depressed i need to Make Changes

[postmoe]

Yandere: Squid Games Satoru Gojo

I'm trying to get a fic done by valentines day but i'm worried i won't have it in time :(

just some bedtime thoughts. I have a lot more but i am e x h a u s t e d. might do other characters and games, or more 'Toru!

murder, killing, groping, red light green light

.

For so long now, Satoru has been harassing you. He's sabotaged your work, your friendships, your incomes, all so you'd be forced to fall into him and accept his kindness. It almost works, too, you almost find yourself begging for him to make it all stop, to help you.

Then, you're given an opportunity of a lifetime. You're invited to a game, a shit load of money up for grabs. They usually offer people down on their luck to give you a fighting chance. It's perfect. You need the money, he doesn't so he wouldn't be invited.

You should know your stalker better by now.

Being one of the richest families in the world, Satoru obviously knows about these games. He couldn't care less, it's just an event for billionaires to flaunt their wealth and make fun of the poor.

Then, your name comes up on the listing. Backgrounds, numbers, names and pictures appear for those who want to gamble.

Oh, his poor darling! He's going to have the spy's life he had tail you ruined for not reporting this to him.

Only to see the spy is also part of the games.

It's all too easy to get in. Almost everyone here wants Satoru gone, his business a threat. When he says he wants to be part of the games, they're shocked, confused, but no one objects.

Throw your life away? Go for it.

Satoru Gojo doesn't care about his life. He only cares about being next to you. If this is where you two meet your end so be it. Dead or alive, you'll be in his arms~

...

When you get an opportunity to escape your stalker, to get a shit load of money that you can take home and help your sick family with, all for playing some games, how can you say no?

Satoru won't leave you alone, but, they say no one will be able to follow you here, only participants in the game will allowed to go to the venue. It's crazy, you wouldn't normally step out of your comfort zone, but here you are!

Being drugged and essentially kidnapped is not what you thought would happen.

You wake up on a bunk bed, groggy, in different attire with hundreds of other people in the room. Hands feel over yourself to gauge that everything is in place.

Looking down, you see a number on your chest, "456".

The people around you are also numbered, confused, and heading to the centre of the room.

You're one of the few that stay on your bed, legs crossed, waiting for an explanation.

People in pink suits with shapes on their masks and guns, literal weaponry enter from the door. Contestants demand answers, pink people remain calm, and by the end of it, a large, clear piggy bank descends from the ceiling with a fun, little tune.

You jump off your bed in awe, is that thing really going to be full by the end of the games?

That kind of money seems impossible.

There's a tap on your shoulder, your head whipping around to see who wants your attention.

Satoru, fucking, Gojo. You're stalker. Who just so happens to be number 001, because he's just that perfect.

"Yo!" He greets, as if this was expected. He even got his fucking, circular, black glasses in.

Your eyebrows furrow and you hiss at him, "What are you doing here?! You're not supposed to be allowed in."

He taps at his number proudly, "I'm a player, see? They couldn't keep me away even if they wanted to."

Your fists clench in anger and frustration, "You don't even need the money, arsehole. Quit."

"I'm not here for the money," his hands come to your face, fingers starting to brush through the fringe of your hair, "I'm here for you-"

"Don't touch me!" Some people are looking your way, you don't care, maybe the staff will do something, "You already ruined my life. Just let me do this."

He laughs at you, hands in his pockets as he leans back on his heels, "Oh, honeypie, you have no idea what you're getting yourself into. If only you took your place by my side when you had the chance~"

They announce the first game is about to commence, you just huff and hit your shoulder against his arm as you stomp passed him.

.

Red Light Green Light. How nostalgic, a game that always made your stomach curl as you thought of creatures like weeping angels.

Satoru was a few people away, stretching his limbs as he grins and winks at you. You don't acknowledge him, keeping your gaze straight ahead.

The first few rounds are successful, it isn't until a quarter in that someone missteps.

Gunshots ring out, blood splatters, and the ground goes silent.

...

Before the screaming and running take place. You were isolated enough that no one hit you, only a few getting shot before your eyes, most being picked off behind you.

You couldn't believe what was happening.

When the doll turns its head around again, you stay still.

Satoru stands in front of you, unfazed by all the terror. He keeps a casual pose as he says, "There's a timer up there," your eyes see it, behind the doll, "If you don't make it over the line by the end, you'll die too."

Green light, he takes your hand and you start off walking. Tears now trickle down your cheeks, voice soft in a whimper, "Are they really dead?"

Red light. You both stay silent and still.

Green light, he makes you walk a bit faster, "Yeah, they are. It seems they're not playing around here."

Red light. You're standing beside a body, the man groaning, begging to be helped.

Green light, Satoru ignores him and you both run. Just before red light, he spins you around and holds you close to him, chest pressed against chest. You see the piles of corpses against the doors you came through, eyes widening. He speaks into your hair, "I'll protect you, though. We can get through this together."

You turn and jog away when it's safe, "You're way too calm about all this."

Red light, he has you in his arms again, face buried in your neck. His mouth is open, tongue licking and slobbering on your skin while you can do nothing about it.

The clock is ticking down, and as you're getting closer and closer to the line, he's slowing you down and hanging off of you, "I don't care about those people. Why do you? They're strangers after."

"People were just killed, Satoru! We could be next."

He holds you still, a few metres away from the line. The clock is ticking down, multiple rounds go through but he uses the moment to grope you, squeeze your flesh, kiss and bite your neck, "Nah, I won't let that happen. Just stick with me and you'll be fine."

One minute left, one minute and you either die or survive. You remember you're not just here to get away from him, you're here for the money that could help your family. To restart your lives.

"I don't mind, though. I'd be happy to die with you in my arms, too. Some people say I'm picky but when it comes to you, I'll do anything."

30 seconds, the light goes green, he's not moving. You have to stop your jaw from trembling so hard, "F-Fine. Fine! Please, let me go so we can get across!"

Red light. There's no way. This psychopath just killed you.

Green light. He laughs, picking you up and sprinting with long strides, making it over with one second to spare.

You fall to your knees when he sets you down. The stragglers are being picked off. He bends over to steal your line of sight, "I'm so happy! You really know how to drive the suspense."

He's laughing his head off, your mourning these people's lives and your freedom.

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Just One Reason: Happiest Time of Year

My warnings are not exhaustive but be aware this is a dark fic and may include potentially triggering topics. Please use your common sense when consuming content. I am not responsible for your decisions.

Character: Lloyd Hansen

masterlist - to be added

Summary: A chance encounter at the sandwich shop doesn’t end how you expect.

As usual, I would appreciate any and all feedback. I’m happy to once more go on this adventure with all of you! Thank you in advance for your comments and for reblogging ❤️

You put the phone down. You don’t even have the energy to be disappointed, because you’re not surprised. You don’t have hope left to be let down. You blow out between your lips and hang your head, holding it as you rest your elbows on your legs. 

Right. There’s nothing left. You can’t ever accept that but you also can’t change that. Yet what is really the twist of the knife is that you’re not getting your money back. It’s the beginning of December and you’re dirt poor. Literally. Everything you have is now in the ground. 

Well, at least you don’t have any gifts to buy. You roll your eyes back before another deluge of tears can flow over. You throw yourself back against the couch and sigh. 

“So, how did that go?” Lloyd gives you a start as his timbre slices through the tension. 

“How everything’s been going,” you sit up, embarrassed, unsure of how long he’s been there. “So, not well, but nothing I can do but keep going forward. If that’s even possible.” 

“Mm, I’m sorry, toots,” he hums. 

You stand and shrug. “I think I’m just going to go be alone.” 

He nods as he watches you curl around the couch and cross the room. He doesn’t move from the doorway, “shoot, I never seen you like. I never imagined you so down. I wish I could do something to cheer you up.” 

“You’ve done enough,” you insist. “Really. I mean, if I can’t get out of here quick enough, there’s a shelter--” 

“A shelter? No, no, you stay here as long as you need to,” he shows his palms. “Oh, wait, I got an idea. Something to distract you, huh?” 

“I don’t know,” you drone. 

“Tell me you’re not tired of wearing my handmedowns,” he tugs on the borrowed pullover and you shy away. 

“Better than nothing,” you say. 

“Right, well, I like that about you, tootsie roll. Easy to please, but you gotta start knowing your worth. You deserve better. So how about it, we can go for a shopping spree?” 

You blink at him. “Lloyd, I can’t. I don’t--” 

“Merry Christmas. Consider it my gift to you.” 

“Christmas...” 

“Nothing wrong with an early present,” he smirks. “Come on.” 

“But... I can’t pay you back. I can’t even get you a gift.” You deflate, “without my laptop, I don’t even have a job.” 

“Add that to the list,” he ticks the air with his finger. “Your gift to me will be coming with me. So, let’s go.” 

You stare at him. You can’t say no. Not after everything. He’s all you have left and he’s so nice. That man you saw shouting in a sandwich shop turned out to be so much different than you expected. For once, a bad thing ended up better. 

“Right, sure. Let’s go hit a Walmart,” you force a smile. It’s less than genuine. It hurts your cheeks and your heart. Your eyes sting. 

“Walmart? Pfft, forget that noise,” he grabs onto your wrist and pulls you through the doorway. “Coat, boots, tie em up tight. We’re gonna be doing a lot of walking.” 

❄️

You rub your hands together as you cross the lot towards the mall. As you near the doors, the glass reflects you. You see yourself next to Lloyd. You see how much you don’t belong, not just him, but there. 

As always, his hair is perfect quaffed. Combed neatly with the sides trimmed close. And he wears a stylish coat, not a practical one. His leather boots give him little traction and he grabs your shoulder as he slips on a patch of ice. 

“Woah, you okay?” You grab his elbow to steady him. You’re not much help. 

“Good,” he snorts. “Got you to hold me up.” 

You scoff, “whatever.” 

“Almost got you,” he teases. 

“Almost got me what?” You wonder.  

“Smiling. For real this time,” he says. “I’ll get there.” 

He reaches for the door and opens it for you. You thank him as you step through. It feels overly polite, especially for him. He follows you inside and the warmth trapped in the crowded mall hits you like as wall. Your shivering is quickly replaced with a sheen of sweat. 

You remove your gloves, then your hat. The only things you have that are yours are your outerwear; only what you wore on that horrible night. You sniff and look around. The other shoppers gab and giggle and you just want to melt onto the floor with the thawed snow. 

“Oh, first thing’s first, lattes,” Lloyd grabs your hand and drags you towards the open front of the cafe. 

“Lloyd.” 

“Look, they have a candy cane one. Gotta try it. Tis the season, right?” 

“That’s nice, but really, it’s fine. We should just get what we need,” you say. 

“We need lattes,” he insists as he stops in the queue. 

“Alright,” you surrender. You’re not going to argue. You have no place to. He's doing something nice, you shouldn’t be such a dark cloud. 

The cafe is as busy as the rest of the place. You’re not surprised. It’s that time of year. There’s jingling music, bright signs declaring outrageous sales, and tinsel all around. 

Lloyd clucks, “jeez, sure taking their time.” 

“It’s packed,” you say softly. “Gotta be patient, I guess.” 

“Mm, guess you’re right.” He taps his toe and puts his hands on his hips.  

You glance over at him as he stares over the heads of the girls in front of you. They narrow as he watches the barista chatter to a coworker as she refills the whipped cream dispenser. He sighs. For a moment, you see the man you first met in that shop, yelling about a wrap. 

“Would be fast if they stopped yapping,” he mutters under his breath. 

“Lloyd,” you chide gently, “if it’s too much of a wait, we can skip it.” 

“No, I want a latte. You need a latte. You deserve one,” he snips. “You should be spoiled, tootsie. You’ve lost so much, you should get one thing you want.” 

It hits you like a slap. ‘Lost so much...’ If only he knew how much. Like really knew how much it hurts. You lower your chin and shudder out a breath. You’re dizzy from all the people and the noise and the smell of cinnamon. 

“Hey, uh, do you mind if I sit down?” You ask breathily. 

“Yeah, that’s fine, but... are you okay?” His forehead lines with concern. 

“It’s... yeah, just realise I haven’t eaten since breakfast.” 

“No? I told you to help yourself.” He arches a brow. 

“Yeah, I just forgot. Lot on my mind,” you nod and look away. “I see a table in the corner. I just need to rest my legs.” 

“Sure, sweetie,” he reaches and runs his hand down your arm, a gesture that surprises you.  

You watch his touch fall past your sleeve and you cautiously back away. He turns his attention back to the counter and his throat bobs as he moves forward with the line. You retreat and claim the small table in the corner. 

It isn’t just the crowd or the music or the cheer, it’s that he’s not there. Your dad isn’t there. You might not be alone and you owe Lloyd that but you are in agony. You just want him back. 

[matt-murdockk]

Good Night

trope: 'too many beds' from this here list

words: 1.7k (bigger next time, promise)

pairing: neal caffrey x reader

fandom: white collar

warnings: language, maybe? this is a fluff/crack fic, we are here solely for the vibe; ps- the fic is from the reader's pov

Only God knows why this stakeout required having to stay at a motel. Not a hotel, god, no. Because after years of authorizing literally a shit ton of money for cases, now is when Hughes decided to be financially responsible. Screw you, dude. Also thanks for hiring me I love working white collar.

Anyway, this means that I get to spend the night at this dingy motel on a highway almost outside our jurisdiction with none other than everyone's favorite convict (said with hate and sarcasm), Neal Caffrey.

Am I mad about it? Why, yes. Yes, I am. Not just at the fact that literally anyone could have gone in my place but they insisted I go, but also at the fact that I just so happen to absolutely despise spending time alone with Neal. Ok fine, I may have a teeny tiny crush on him, a really small one that makes it hard for me to work with him because it makes me act stupid.

cut to flashback

I was taking a file to Peter's office when Neal saw me and walked over to me with two cups of coffee in his hand.

"Hey, (Y/n)! I got you coffee from that place you like."

A normal person would have accepted the cup, thanked him, and walked away. Am I that kind of normal? God, no.

I looked at him like he had threatened to kill my dog, and said, "I stopped drinking coffee this morning," and took that cup, threw it in the trash next to me, and sprinted the rest of the way to Peter's office. This poor man just stood there, confused.

and we're back

So, yes. This was on Monday so he'd had a couple days to really let it marinate. I was driving to June's place to pick him up when it dawned on me how painfully silent this car ride could be. Instead, the minute he got inside the car, he started having a normal conversation with me like I hadn't trashed his coffee a couple days earlier.

If he noticed the tension in my voice, he didn’t let on. Instead, he just kept talking, filling the car with this easygoing chatter about everything from Peter’s latest case blunder to some new exhibit he wanted to check out. It was almost like he was doing it on purpose like he could sense that I was trying to avoid looking at him, trying to act casually. But, of course, he could act casually—he was Neal Caffrey. I was the one whose brain short-circuited at a simple gesture he'd do for anyone, maybe.

Finally, after ten minutes of me grunting and nodding like some sort of malfunctioning robot, he looked at me with a knowing smile. “So, we're just going to pretend you didn't toss my coffee in the trash?"

Oh good lord what fresh hell is this? How am I supposed to respond to that? Oh, that? sorry, I love you.

"I panicked, okay? It was a reflex!"

"Your reflex was to throw my coffee in the trash?"

"Hey man, I'm the new girl, I don't have friends yet. I'm not used to people being all..."

"All what?"

"Nice!"

"You're not used to," he trailed off laughing that smug little laugh of his and continued, "I'll tell you what, the next time I attack you with my kindness, I'll warn you, deal?"

I am beyond embarrased at this point I could just crawl under my dashboard and die.

“Deal,” I managed, feeling my cheeks heat up. “But just so you know, I don’t respond well to... uh, unannounced niceness.”

He gave me this look, half-smile and half something I couldn’t read. “Duly noted,” he said, and his voice was softer than usual like he really meant it.

We drove in silence for a minute, which was worse than the conversation. I could feel the way his presence filled the car like he was everywhere and nowhere at once. And, as if he could sense I was desperately overthinking, he shifted in his seat, brushing a hand through his hair and watching me out of the corner of his eye.

“You know, I don’t bite,” he said finally, that playful lilt back in his voice. “Unless you’re into that kind of thing.”

My mouth opened and closed, and I just shook my head in surrender.

"Nope, no. We are not going there."

"Suit yourself. Get it? Suit yourself. Cause you're-"

"Yeah, Neal, I got it."

The rest of the ride went about as normal as it could. A few jokes here, some awkward silence there, a dash of bickering. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't enjoy it a bit. Before we knew it (we were painfully aware), we had reached the motel.

"Neal, you get the bags, I'll go get us checked in."

"Wait, why am I on bag duty?"

"Because I'm the agent. You're my bitch tonight." Was that too much? sigh

"Wow. Understood. So it's just all or nothing with you," he said in a fake hurt voice, clutching his pearls. Every time he sensed I was nervous, he tried to ease the air. I loved that about him. Asshole.

I laughed to lift the tension and gave in to his fake protest, but he insisted that he'd got the bags. I walked into the "reception desk" which was just a countertop with an underpaid employee behind it. Everything about this place made me feel like I could be mugged any second. I was not getting a single positive vibe from this place and I could not wait to go back home.

I walked over to the poor kid behind that desk and explained our situation and asked for a room. On account of the odds being in my favor as always, we got the last available room at the motel to which the receptionist guided me with as little enthusiasm as possible. Neal followed, with both our overnight bags in his hands. The receptionist handed the key to me and left without so much as a word, just an apologetic look.

I put the key in the lock and unlocked the door to find what I can only describe as... confusing. Not one, two, or even three. Eight beds, crammed into that tiny ass room. What the fuck.

"Hey Neal, quick question, do you see-"

"Yeah, I see it, alright"

"Good, so I'm not crazy."

“So… eight beds,” he said, almost like he was trying the words out just to make sure they were real.

I shot him a look, half-laughing, half-horrified. “Eight beds,” I repeated, my brain short-circuiting in confusion.

We both just stood there, staring, as if maybe the beds would magically explain themselves. They didn’t. And since the charming guy at the front desk was about as helpful as a damp sponge, calling for answers was out. Which meant we were officially stuck here in what I could only describe as the weirdest stakeout setup in history.

“Well,” Neal said, tossing his bag onto the closest mattress with a casual shrug, “at least we won’t have to fight over space.”

I rolled my eyes but couldn’t hold back a laugh. “You’re right; I don’t know how we’d survive otherwise.”

In the next beat, he’d grabbed one of the pillows and flung it at me, completely out of nowhere. It smacked me in the shoulder, and when I looked up, he was giving me that look—that smug, too-charming-for-his-own-good look that always left me just a little short of breath. “What?” he asked, feigning innocence. “Might as well make use of all these, right?”

“Oh, you’re asking for it,” I muttered, grabbing a pillow from a nearby bed and launching it back at him, fully prepared for war.

That kicked off what was, I’ll admit, a ridiculously fun half-hour of pillow forts and feigned ambushes across the bed maze. At some point, I found myself perched on one of the beds, trying to throw together some kind of barricade with a ridiculous amount of pillows while Neal “strategically” circled me with a smirk.

Then, because the universe hates me, there was a moment where he leaned in close, way closer than necessary to “take back” one of the pillows he’d flung. Suddenly, his face was right there, all blue eyes and easy confidence, and I froze, my heart doing this humiliating little flip. His hand brushed against mine as he reached for the pillow, and for a second, I couldn’t remember how breathing was supposed to work.

He moved in closer, his face dangerously close to mine, his eyes gazing right into mine, not faltering even for a second. His hand slowly reached for the pillow, but the rest of him stood there frozen, towering over me. I could hear his heartbeat just as loud as I could hear mine and my breath hitched, making me aware of the trance I was in.

He paused too, just looking at me with this amused expression that told me he’d noticed every single bit of my brain short-circuiting. Perfect. Just perfect. I could feel my face heating up, and I was about two seconds from combusting when he finally let out a soft chuckle, pulling away just in time to save what was left of my dignity.

“So…should I warn you the next time I invade your personal space?” he asked, clearly enjoying every second of my embarrassment.

I shot him the best death glare I could muster, though I knew I was blushing furiously. “Yes, actually. Please put it in writing. Triple signed.”

He laughed, plopping onto one of the beds across from me with that smug grin still plastered on his face. I tried to focus on the pillow fort, on anything but the fact that I’d just had a full-on breakdown over a single, stupidly close moment.

But of course, with my luck, just as things started to settle, the shrill beep of a radio crackled through the room, a reminder of why we were actually here. I sighed, letting reality pull me back, and Neal looked over at me, his playful expression fading into something more serious.

“Right. Stakeout,” he said, sounding only mildly disappointed.

“Yeah,” I replied, trying to steady my heartbeat. “Stakeout.”

We went about setting up our positions, his usual lightheartedness replaced by that sharp, focused energy he got whenever he was in “work mode.” But every now and then, his eyes would flicker back to me, a knowing smile lurking at the edges. And every time, I’d feel that stupid little flutter again, like maybe—just maybe—eight beds and a stakeout in the middle of nowhere wasn’t so bad after all.

[chronicallycouchbound]

I refuse to call government assistance programs “welfare” or “benefits”.

I’ve been on government assistance programs my whole life. I have never lived above the poverty line.

It’s a system that doesn’t care about my wellbeing, they care about doing the bare minimum to keep people alive enough to function and work, and if you’re disabled and cannot work, they give significantly less of a fuck.

And benefits?? What benefits?

Food stamps that run out within two weeks because I am budgeting with 8$ a day with literally dozens of dietary restrictions? Or do you mean the housing voucher that I have to never even have a gift card, penny to my name, Sams club membership, phone bill, literally anything that could be “income” in order to qualify? That same housing voucher system that if I mess up even once with I not only lose all government aid for at least 5 years, it’s also mandatory PRISON time for 1 year?? “Oh but they would never do that, right?” Nope! I have several friends who are now felons for minor lease violations and unhoused as a result! Oh maybe you mean the state health insurance that doesn’t cover most treatments, specialists, and testing I need and if I tried to make a gofundme to cover, I would lose aforementioned housing? Oh and we can’t forget all the money I get for being disabled, which is exactly 0$. I’m still fighting for SSI and have been for 6 years! That’s over 6 years with absolutely zero income. ZERO. And guess what, whenever I *do* get on SSI, I will lose my housing voucher. And I won’t be able to afford my current apartment because even in subsidized low income housing it’s too expensive for the maximum SSI “benefit” amount. And on SSI you can’t have savings over 2000$. Oh and they do make housing for people who are low income where you pay 30% of your income but I can’t even be on the waitlist since I don’t have any income. And on top of all this, I can never get married because I’ll lose all of the programs.

I could keep going. That’s not even half of the programs I’m a part of.

• None of them give me cash in hand. Even for vouchers I have to provide receipts for everything.

• Food stamps just straight up won’t even cover ineligible items. Which includes hot foods.

• I genuinely don’t believe that there’s a way to “game the system” and why would you? You would gain literally nothing.

• It’s designed to keep people poor. Once you make over a certain amount, you lose all or almost all benefits. There’s no way to slowly transition out of the programs, if you’re someone who’s able to. It’s all in or all out.

• All of these barriers are made significantly worse while unhoused/homeless. I’ve been homeless for over half of my life and there’s so many fucked up rules. If I missed one night staying in the shelter, I lost my housing voucher because I no longer was “verified as homeless” even if I was sleeping outside still.

[danieyells]

hi! any chance you'd be able to post some of kaito's voicelines? I would love to see them <33

Our wanna-be knight and pathetic little best friend! He's just such a good boy lol. . .once again, another one who just wants to go back to a normal life, poor thing. Kaito's very much your vanilla, sweet boyfriend character with no frills attached, aside from his cowardice and his gambling habit of course. And his terrible aim. . . .

Copying all of them over isn't hard now that I've done it twice. Let's do it again for Kaito!

Hello: (the first time the game is opened after that character is set as home screen NPC. Only happens once per day, unless the character is switched out and back.)

"{PC}! Over here! Hiya!"

You've Got Mail: (whenever there's something in the inbox, usually Arena rewards)

"Hey, new message. Better check it out, yeah? Or are you the type who's got like a ton of of unread inbox messages?"

. . .shut up /absolutely that type (and a sincere apology to literally everyone i know for that my adhd doesn't let me read and respond to their messages--)

Default: (requires no affinity, has no time constraints)

"God, please don't make me go on any more missions... It's not like me being there is any help to anyone anyway..."

"Oh yeah, have you been on WickHive yet? Someone leaked next month's cafeteria menu! Oh wait... I-I already told you that, didn't I?!"

"Damn it... I could've taken {PC} to lunch with that money! God, why am I such a moron?!"

"Ask me anything you want to know! I'm pretty savvy when it comes to Darkwick!"

honestly the fact that he's a second year who doesn't wanna be here and doesn't wanna be doing all of this but he still knows like everything about the school is also kinda sus to me. . .surely he'd divest himself from as much of darkwick as possible if he didn't care

"Urgh... Limited time only, you are not my friend... Huh? Oh, I'm on TikTok. I really want this, but I'm pretty broke this month..."

Affinity 1: (between 5am and 11am)

"Ahem... Testing, testing... Morning! Heh, nailed it... Ack! How long've you been there, {PC}?!"

Affinity 2: (between 11am and 4pm)

"Phew, should be safe here... EEEEEEEEEEK! Oh thank god, it's just a cat... I thought he found me..."

romeo oh romeo didn't you get into enough shit for this romeo? just make sure it's not Romeo cat. Because I'm sure it'll tell him somehow--

Affinity 3: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"Shit, it's Luca… Judging by the outfit he must be going to train. I better bail before he tries to rope me in too…"

Affinity 4: (between 8pm and 5am)

"Eeeek?! Oh, it's just you... Geez, you almost gave me a heart attack!"

i know romeo is constantly on his ass, and I relate to the feeling of being scared the people you owe money will appear out of nowhere and get you, but. . .he's so jumpy lol

Affinity 5: (between 8pm and 5am)

"Ugh, Romeo's texting me... Not gonna open that..."

Affinity 6: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"So your father runs a company, huh? Who the hell leads with that?! This is why I hate talking to Frostheimers..."

so the wording here is wonky because he's quoting a Frostheimer, but there's no visual indication that he's quoting them. But lore drop! Kaito's father runs a company! But I thought he wasn't well off. . .? Maybe his parents are separated or his father doesn't spend any of their money on him. . .or the company isn't doing well. . .or gambling addiction runs in his family lol. . . .

Affinity 7: (between 11am and 4pm)

"Argh, I want junk food! And I want to try all the new snack flavors!!"

my boy is so relateable--

Affinity 8: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"All right, time to man up and bite the bullet... Nope, absolutely not, can't do it!"

Affinity 9: (between 8pm and 5am)

"How is Jin's skin so perfect? Fucking rich kids and their stupidly expensive fancy-ass toner!!!"

kaito really looking at jin like OH NO HE'S HOT

Affinity 10: (between 10pm and midnight)

"(yawn) Guess I'll go brush my teeth..."

Affinity 11: (between 5am and 11am)

"Hey {PC}, you seem different somehow today. Did you change something? Or am I just imagining things?!"

Affinity 12: (between 11am and 4pm)

"Noooo why does Tohma want to see me...? No way it's about something good! Could you come with me, {PC}?!"

Affinity 13: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"Crap, I fell asleep in class so I don't know what our homework is... Help me, {PC}!"

Affinity 14: (between 5am and 11am)

"(yawn) Man, my bed's like a freaking marshmallow. I can never get any good sleep on that thing..."

lol the Frostheim beds are too comfortable lolol I NEED A FIRMER BED TOO KAITO I GET IT.

Affinity 15: (between 5am and 11am)

"Huh? Oh, my pendant! You're always wearing it? Does that mean you've actually been paying attention to me?!"

once again the wording here is wonk because it makes it sound like the pc is always wearing Kaito's pendant. I'm pretty sure he's quoting the pc, who's commented that "you're always wearing it". It would read better as something like "You noticed I'm always wearing it?"

Affinity 16: (between 11am and 4pm)

"Hey {PC}, how 'bout we grab a bite?! I've got tons to splurge in winn... er, earnings, so it's all on me! Get whatever you want!"

your gambling addiction is really and truly going to get you in trouble. disregard that i play a gacha game.

Affinity 17: (between 10pm and midnight)

"...Huh?! Man, nearly fell sleep without putting my phone on the charger... 5%, that would've sucked tomorrow..."

Affinity 18: (between 8pm and 5am)

"Ha ha ha! Have you seen this yet?! It's all over TikTok. Ah man, it's killing me..."

Affinity 19: (between 10pm and midnight)

"Whoa, when did it get so late?! Sorry {PC}, I didn't mean to keep you up... What? You're still good?"

Affinity 20: (between 5am and 11am)

"Morning! Hey, guess what? Luca's busy after class, so how about we hit up the diner? It's been ages!"

do you. . .do you really wanna go there. . .i mean the drinks seem to be fine but according to sho they can't make good food at all. . . .

Affinity 21: (between 11am and 4pm)

"Sorry, I gotta stay after class today... (sniffle) This sucks, I really wanted to walk home with you..."

aw buddy. . .they could wait for you or come pick you up after your remedial lesson. . .!

Affinity 22: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"Hey I'm really sorry but do you mind if we stop by the campus store after class? I'm almost out of granulated sugar."

Affinity 23: (between 8pm and 5am)

"Hey, do you like stars? Oh, um, I was just wondering 'cause there's this place where you can see them really well, so I thought maybe you'd want to go some time..."

he's overcoming his fears and being honest with himself and how he speaks and just. . .asking honestly, no bravado, no act. do it scared, kaito. do it scared, do it awkward, do it sure you're going to fail. as long as you do it. proud of you!

Affinity 24: (between 10pm and midnight)

"Sure is dark. Reminds me of the closet where we first met. Remember?"

Affinity 25(max): (no time constraints)

"I know I'm weak, and a coward. But I really do want to become your knight in shining armor, {PC}."

I love how comfortable and honest he starts to get as his affinity goes up. Still shy here and there, still scared, but he's not as jumpy and he starts treating you like a real friend. laughs with you about stuff, talks a little about hobbies and struggles. doesn't try and look cool for you. and then the honesty--i'm a weak coward, but i wanna be better for you. i wanna spend time with you. just!!! he grows!!! he realizes you like him for who he is and how he is, even if that's a weak coward--and that that's exactly what he wants! and it's okay for him to be that way because you won't be put off by it, even if it's something he'd like to grow from so he can be better for you--but he wants to be better for you as himself and--idk. i have feelings about characterization lol.

Spring: (March-May) (between 5am and 11am)

"(yawn) Man, I wanna sleep, but I can't fail, so I gotta show up for class... Oh! I have Professor Nicolas next! Naptime."

does that mean you're good in anomalous medicine class or. . . .

(between 11am and 4pm)

"Grr! All those girls in the hall were looking at Luca! I'm so pissed off now I'm not even sleepy anymore!"

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"It's finally warm out again, so I really want to go do something fun... Wish I could get an R&R permit..."

well maybe if you stopped sleeping in class and did good in class or went on a mission or something. . . . . .

(between 8pm and 5am)

"Mheheh... {PC}... You've got a petal in your hair... Zzz..."

Summer: (June-August) (between 5am and 11am)

"Ugh, it's too hot to go outside... But I can sense a coming-of-age event on the horizon... All right, here I come!"

obligatory beach event? 👀

(between 11am and 4pm)

"Can't believe Professor Hyde still wears that blindfold in summer. Pfft, I bet it's really sweaty under— Eeeek! S-Sir?!"

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"Hey {PC}, are you free after this? I was thinking of inviting Luca to let off some fireworks! I want to show him how we do summer here in Japan."

(between 8pm and 5am)

"I can't believe I get to spend the whole summer hanging out with you {PC}... (sniffle) Homework? Uh y-yeah, I finished it already..."

Autumn: (September-November) (between 5am and 11am)

"Is it just me, or is it really cold today?! Guess I better get my coat out soon..."

(between 11am and 4pm)

"Have you had the chestnut rice from the cafeteria yet? They made it way too fancy. It's supposed to be comfort food..."

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"Tohma's always reading something. Maybe I should too... All right, let's go with this! 10 Ways To Become Popular Overnight!"

well. . .it's something to read. . .never a bad idea to read.

(between 8pm and 5am)

"Apparently the moon is the most beautiful in fall since the air gets clearer. Want to go take a look?"

Winter: (December-February) (between 5am and 11am)

"It's freezing out there! It's freezing in here! Frostheim sucks!!"

this makes me wonder what the warmest dorm is on average. . .probably jabberwock as long as towa's in a good mood? (or maybe warm jabberwock winters mean towa's in a bad mood. . .?)

(between 11am and 4pm)

"The cold can go to hell, but I guess there's outfits you can only wear this time of year..."

you can wear whatever you want whenever you want if you're brave enough. but this is kaito and he's not very brave. and it's also not very smart to wear winterwear in the summer.

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"I really want to go to Starbucks for the new winter drink! But I really really don't want to go on any missions!! Guess I'll never get to try it."

(between 8pm and 5am)

"Gram... No... No more mandarins... ...Huh?! Oh, it was just a dream... I haven't had a mandarin for ages..."

'gram' in this case is 'grandma' in case you couldn't figure it out haha and the mandarin(mikan)'s used to represent health and longevity and a long prosperous bloodline or something like that for new years. So i assume his grandmother would feed him a lot of mandarins every winter lolol

His birthday: (December 11th)

"Why did Jin, Tohma, and Luca give me all this high-end stuff?! It's freaking me out!! Thank you!?!?"

EVEN JIN AND TOHMA GAVE HIM GIFTS. . .FROSTHEIM FAM IS REAL. . . .

Your birthday:

"Happy birthday, {PC}! We'll make this the best one— Hey, give those back! Those are the cue cards I made yesterday!!"

ksjfkhesbfjh he made himself cue cards to give you a birthday speech with as little stuttering as possible. . . .

New Years: (January 1st)

"Happy New Year! Let's make it a good one! S-So hey, if, er, if you'd like, c-could we, um... could we make our first shrine visit together?"

Valentine's Day: (February 14th)

"C'mon Kaito, deep breaths. Girls aren't into guys with no chill. So stay cool... Stay— Are those chocolates for me?! I'll take them to my grave!"

everyone loves an enthusiastic boy lol

White Day: (March 14th)

"Do you like the cookies I made? Come on, no way they're that good, heh heh... Heh heh heh... Here, take them all!!"

god i bet he makes really good sweets too. like i bet he puts so much love and good spirit into them lolol

April Fool's Day: (April 1st)

"I'd never lie to a girl. Ah! That's not a lie, I swear! {PC}? Are you listening?!"

BAD THING TO SAY ON APRIL FOOL'S ABORT MISSION

Halloween: (October 31st)

"Trick or treat! See those carved pumpkins? I was actually the one who made them. What do you think?"

given his DIY skills i bet he's actually really good at carving too. i bet they look really good!

Christmas: (December 25th)

"Hey, uh, {PC}, do you, uh... Do you have any plans for Christmas? I'm actually totally free!"

Idle: (about 20 seconds without interacting with the game) (below 13 affinity)

"Huh? {PC}? Am I being annoying?! I'm sorry! You're probably busy, right?!"

(13 affinity and above)

"{PC} seems kind of busy... I know! I'll find a video that'll help take her mind off things!"

this one replace the first one after you hit a certain affinity, so it's cute to see that he eventually decides 'i'm not being annoying, they're just busy. i wanna help them' after he gets closer to you. . . .

Absent: (logging in for the first time in 2 or more days?)

"Ah...! Oh my god, you're back!! I'm so happy to see you!!!!  (sob) Please don't leave me again..."

he's so clingy. . .poor guy really missed you, considering you're one of the kindest and most normal people in Darkwick that he associates with. . . . also man 'please don't leave me again' with the whole loop theory stuff. . . .

I THINK I'VE SAID MOST OF MY THOUGHTS THROUGHOUT THIS BUT. He really is a sweetie. He really could have ended up a very plain and 'safe' character, but he's managed to be very charming and entertaining with his struggles and exaggerated behavior, while still being a simple and safe type. Really looking forward to seeing how he plays into the rest of the story, since it seems like his pendant may be kind of important. . . .

[pub-lius]

Do you have a post on Maria Reynolds? I haven't been able to find much information about her, I read she became a nun or something after the scandal??

i know i do, i am struggling to find it because tumblr's search function has and always will be ass

RAHHH I CANT FIND ANY OF THEM fuck this im giving you a short history of her life because i love you with all my heart

DISCLAIMER: i fucking hate Ron Chernow, especially for his treatment of Maria Reynolds in his book, but him and wikipedia are all I have right now and my relationship with him is very toxic pls help. also this post will discuss heavy things like forced prostitution and ron chernow absolutely butchering this subject so just be aware of what is best for you

Early Life

Maria Reynolds was born as Mary Lewis on March 30, 1768 to Susannah Van Der Burgh and Richard Lewis, who was Susannah's second husband. She had eleven siblings, and they did not have very much money, and were likely a pretty average 18th century white family in America, with poor literacy rates, struggles with debt, and the women being taken advantage of. They lived in Dutchess County, New York.

Maria was literate, but not well educated. This is something she was strongly mocked for by both her husband, Hamilton, Chernow, and other men. Well, I guess Hamilton didn't really mock her, but he definitely looked down on her for it. Fucking asshole. She also seemed to have very strong mood swings from a young age, and this could have been something psychological, like a mood disorder, or it could have been physiological or hormonal, such a menstrual disorder that was never properly treated because women's issues were not taken seriously at the time, mental or physical. This is also something she was mocked for.

Maria was married off to James Reynolds, a Revolutionary War veteran, on July 28th, 1783 when she was 15 years old. James Reynolds often lobbied the government for money after the war, foreshadowing his debt problems and later exploitation of his underage wife for money.

Together, the couple would have one daughter, Susan, named after her grandmother, who was born on August 18, 1785. Maria showed herself to be a devoted mother who would do anything for her daughter, including putting herself in harms way to make sure she didn't face the same fate. Unfortunately, Susan would also later be in an unhealthy relationship, despite her mother's efforts.

Maria Lewis was always described as very emotional, innocent, smart, and pretty, despite those who attempted to degrade her.

Men before Hamilton

It was early in her marriage when she was looked down upon by men, beginning with the son of her first landlady in Philadelphia.

"Her mind at this time was far from being tranquil or consistent, for almost the same minute that she would declare her respect for her husband, cry and feel distressed, [the tears] would vanish and levity would succeed, with bitter execrations on her husband. This inconsistency and folly was ascribed to a troubled, but innocent and harmless mind... [Reynolds] had frequently enjoined and insisted that she should insinuate herself on certain high and influential characters- endeavor to make assignments with them and actually prostitute herself to gull money from them." -Richard Folwell, August 12, 1797

Her complicated feelings about her husband allowed men to reduce her to being deceptive, however it shows that she was torn between her bias towards her husband, who had been around her and influencing her throughout her formative, adolescent years, and the things he was asking her to do, including prostituting herself.

These escalated to more than requests for her to prostitute herself to rich men into demands and threats. Reynolds became physically abusive to his wife if she did not comply with his demands to sleep with and extort rich men. Eventually, this became a pattern, and she became known as a prostitute who slept separately from her husband so she could entertain her midnight visitors, when essentially she was being human trafficked by her husband at the age of 18.

There is evidence to suggest that she only slept with Hamilton when Reynolds threatened to physically abuse her daughter, Susan. I'm not going to go into too much detail about the affair because I believe it's over done, but I am going to discuss how Ron Chernow talks about this woman, and the consequences of victim blaming.

Ron Chernow Hates Women

Ron Chernow discusses the Reynolds Affair in chapter 19 of his novel Alexander Hamilton. Already, he places some of the blame on Elizabeth Hamilton with the sentence "It was a dangerous moment for Eliza to abandon Hamilton,", even though he likes to put her on a pedestal so people think he's a feminist (Chernow 363). You're not a feminist, Ron, you're a 75 year old incel, and I feel bad for your wife.

Chernow introduces Maria Reynolds by stating her age at the time of the affair (23), and for some reason, making up the fact that her name is pronounced "Mariah"??? He gives no citation for this, so I'm assuming he made it up to make her seem more slutty. Her name was Maria. Actually, her name was Mary, but if we had any link between her and the Christian figure for maternity and purity, well that wouldn't work with the portrayal of her as a disgusting, crazy, lying whore, right?

Chernow uses words like "doleful tale", "fanciful", "conspired", and "trickster" to describe Maria, but gives no proof of her malicious intent towards Hamilton. He portrays Hamilton as vain, however a savior to Maria, and she simply HAD to have been in love with him because of how good of a person he was. Ron Chernow manipulates Maria Reynolds' character to fit his personal belief that there are two kinds of women: good, pure, Christian homemakers, and uneducated sluts who deserve their mistreatment from men (Chernow 367).

Even though Ron Chernow finds it more comfortable to believe that Maria worked in cohorts with her piece of shit husband, and that they together decided to use Hamilton for his money, the truth is that she was a severely abused woman throughout her entire life, especially at the hands of James Reynolds. Her manipulation of Hamilton was not to gain something, but to prevent her and her daughter from being abused. Chernow glosses over this, dismissing it as something she made up to secure a divorce, but it was proven true in a court of law. Chernow's famous cognitive dissonance strikes again: the US government is very securely made with a magnificent justice system, yet uneducated, illiterate women can manipulate it to get... a piece of notarized paper! Yeah, don't let this senile old man write any more books. Thanks.

Aftermath

The backlash from The Reynolds Pamphlet, published 1797, would haunt Maria for the rest of her life. She remarried twice, once to Jacob Clingman, who is another piece of shit who should have his dick guillotined, and the other time to Dr. Matthew (idk his last name) who she was a housekeeper for. She allegedly wrote her own pamphlet, but never published it. Idk anything about that.

Maria would raise her two grandchildren after her daughter's untimely death. She also changed her name back to Mary, becoming Mary Matthew for the rest of her life. She was devoutly religious, joining the Methodist Church, but not a nun. She died loved on March 25, 1828. And if there isn't someone on earth who loves Mary Matthew, then I am dead.

Here's your Maria Reynolds post. I love her so much, and I will defend her until I have no voice left, my fingers can't write or type, my eyes can't move, and my legs can't walk. She deserves so much better than what she got and how she's been portrayed. Vive Mary Lewis.

[ellsieee]

Stay With Me didn't let us down! 😭 We got kisses and a confession. There is no way anyone can say it's not a BL now. 🙄 Not that there was any doubt even before that. The subtext was just too obvious.

I can't believe they went there. Super sleuths have already found that it really is just lip balm, but the implication is clearly that Wu Bi's dad found his lube. Wu Bi why did you do your dad dirty like that? Don't smear your lube on his mouth! 🤣

Wu Bi was about to confess but he chickened out. 😅 Shy Wu Bi is so cute. Wu Bi really can't live without Su Yu. He had never been that bitchy and rude to Mo Yi before, but now there's someone at home he wants to be with and has no time for Mo Yi's shit.

First almost caught by Wu Bi's dad and now Mao Chong. Su Yu's nervous shifty eyes cracked me up. We all know he and Wu Bi have been doing something something in his room.

They are so happy to see each other!😭Their smiles. Really, I can't. I love how much they love each other. I could not stop smiling watching them hug.

Oh how I squealed. THEY ARE SO FRIGGIN CUTE!!! AHHHHHHH! This might literally be my favorite moment in the entire series.

"Go cough somewhere else" lol. Poor Mo Yi. Right in front of his salad.

Su Yu's little smile is EVERYTHING. I feel like we're missing a scene before this though. It just seems a bit out of place that Wu Bi would run up to kiss Su Yu at school and for Su Yu to not be surprised or embarrassed. I'm counting on that uncut release later. Actually I felt like the editing for these two eps was a bit choppy. I'm going to guess it's because they cut a bunch of stuff because it was too gay.

I love all the subtle ways they show us they're boyfriends. Su Yu casually using Wu Bi as a leg rest, Wu Bi teasing Su Yu about him not knowing he's Wu Bi's most important person, Su Yu taking care of Wu Bi, and Wu Bi making not so subtle hints about their relationship in front of everyone. Why always in front of Doudou? Always! 😅

The normally aloof Su Yu kissed Wu Bi! Again it's Su Yu's little smile after the kiss that makes it so sweet. The spoilers were actually true! I didn't think this would happen because in the behind the scenes Jiongmin had said there was no scene where he kisses Xu Bin, but here we are! Xu Bin's dream has finally come true. 🤭

I was not expecting such an explicit confession! They tried to hide the gay a little by having Su Yu add the ocean part, but Wu Bi's qq screen name is 我想我是海 (I wish I am the sea) and so when Su Yu shouts 我爱你, 大海 (I love you sea), he is not so subtly telling Wu Bi that he loves him. Awwwww. ​​​🥹

But also, I have to drag production a bit on the terrible green screen CGI here. It looks so fake! Did they run out of money? How hard is it to film a sunset at a beach?

No. Don't you dare Mo Yi. Fuck off. If the last two eps break my heart I'm going to consider SWM as having only 22 episodes where the boys are together and happy.

The girls on weibo only went a little crazy. I didn't see SWM on the main hot search but they were trending for a little while. Hopefully it was short enough where it didn't draw too much attention. 😅

[presidentdisastraofgallifrey]

The Inquiry liveblog

Oh hey there, Darkel!

Poor Leela is so sick of this shit

Brax speaking so gently to Romana <3

Sooo did all the Project Alpha die of like temporal cancer, or did Brax murder burner them?

Also, he was just a "lowly functionary" then? Interesting

Torvald you smartass, you know what they mean

G-d, Brax is so smooth

"I thought this was an independent inquiry" someone put Leela in charge asap

(please do not)

(but also she'd be better than the Time Lords)

So what exactly was Narvin's pre-CIA job?

Love when Narvin and Brax grudgingly agree

"What you have to say to me, Torvald can hear" huh

Time Lord insult = dropping their title

"Are you really so naive these days?" yes, yes he is

Love that the CIA has a Matrix backdoor

But also, having the Matrix as this big thing but then saying no one but the President gets access has always felt like a big waste

Ah yes, the databomb, we've all seen it

Season 1: we can't risk losing the Matrix!! Season 3: oh yeah, the Matrix is just gone now

"She believes I worry too much about Andred" you mean Leela's husband who's missing?

Oh, that moment when Brax goes from gentle almost-friend back to suave politician mode is so good

Leela being defensive of the Chancellery Guard <3

Which reminds me that Narvin does know (or thinks he does) and has this whole time. The jerk

There is actually not all that much inquiry in this episode about the inquiry

Yes, Leela, you should be annoyed that no one properly defines words for you

"Leela, don't trust Narvin. Or Torvald." "I do not; both have let me down before." Oh, sweetie, you have no idea

Narvin keeps throwing Leela together with the guy who (as far as he knows) killed her husband. The jerk

Narvin is literally like "I don't trust Brax for disagreeing with me one time"

"Perhaps one day he, and Romana, will earn your trust" oof

He's so ridiculous. "Try not to kill anyone" can't be anything but chaotic flirting when he just told the others he was fine if they did kill

"I have another little task for you" why does he talk like that?

(he's so autistic)

"Andred is gone. You have to forget him" RUDE

"by means of my extendable probe" lol

Romana indulging Leela's search for Andred in the middle of a crisis <3

The fact that their biodata is stored in big clunky tubes just because this worldbuilding was established in the 70's

And why exactly do the upper ranks of the CIA get things that would allow them to hide their actions from the Matrix, the President, etc?

Romana is so chaotic. Who just goes alone and unprotected as President to buy a statue to entrap their friend in a secret meeting to confront him in case he's a dangerous criminal?

Also I'm still enjoying imagining what she was wearing for this and the rest of the episode

G-d she's such a bad liar

Did they just forget after this that the chapters are supposed to all have separate Academies?

Actually, are the chapters just based on what school one went to? That would make more sense than anything else

(am I the only person who didn't realize this?)

They're both so extra omg

Where does he get the money, actually? I could see Romana having some savings account left over from her adventures, but how does Brax afford this art?

Also, did she suspect this whole time or did she just. Not make the connection between him and the Braxiatel collection?

RUDE! Those guards just fired after Leela despite not being meant to arrest her or anything!

Narving using "wild good chase" but not knowing what it means, amazing

Even now, hating her, Narvin is concerned about saying things that will hurt Leela's feelings

Don't yell at Leela, she's having a bad day!

There is no time for this, but Brax just can't resist being extra

Oof, Narvin was directly responsible for Minyos

(but also this breaks yet another timeline, how dare)

Leela being pedantic back to K9 is delightful

This is such a Doctor Who answer: we stopped the thief every thieving so now it was always a hoax

Darkel shows a surprising amount of honor here

[ohmotherwhereartthou-if]

More info about Ludovica's former husband? I want to know the lengths of his douchebaggery.

I am almost a whole year late on this one but here is what I got on the asshole, chief. 🫡

Also, disclaimer: This dude is absolute human garbage, dark subjects such as - (pedophillia, non-con, domestic/verbal abuse, child loss, miscarriage, under age drinking) below!

I don't honestly know if I have ever stated a official name for him anywhere yet. It's for the most part undecided because the greatest thing he ever did was die, giving him a name is so low on my list of priorities, so he will get one whenever he gets one.

He was in his early 40s when he all but purchased Ludovica from her parents in the form of offering a very large dowry for her. He saw her sing at one of her parents parties when she was a young teen (A underage teen I might add, she was close to 18 but not quite there yet), he was attracted to her voice and youthful beauty like an absolute creep.

Made his money by loan sharking lower class farmers and forgiving their debts in exchange for unreasonable amounts of their harvest. Leaving them starving and their daughters traumatized, it was from these encounters he developed his disgusting youthful taste in women. He then later made some pretty powerful connections that allowed him to rise in rank and social status, he hoarded his money and made a lot of smart short term investments.

He was always rather abusive and very neglectful, Ludovica was very lonely but greatly preferred his absence rather than him ever giving her any thought.

He would treat Vica like a literal object, coming and going as he pleased without ever really having a conversation with her. He had no need to ever tell her what he was doing, would only call her when he wanted something from her or when he wanted to show her off. Which he did a lot.

Loved to brag about his young wife; about how pretty she looked and how nice she sang. Would have her entertain his guests, who could be handsy at times. Ludovica would complain but he would tell her to shut up and keep sitting pretty; only intervening if someone was trying to push it too far. Not out of concern for Vica but out of his own pride, he would look weak if another man publicly was getting too cozy with his wife.

Vica would do her best to hide whenever he was throwing a party but he would drag her out of her room with an iron grip on her forearms. Definitely always leaving bruised but smartly only doing so where they couldn't be easily seen.

He found it funny how Ludovica would drink so much, seeing her drunk was the closest thing to him ever seeing her relaxed. He probably did know that she drank so much because of him and from her wanting to disassociate, but he really would care much so long as she didn't act a fool in front of his guests.

He figured Vica would get pregnant eventually and was pleased that he could start working on securing an heir for his legacy. Spoke a lot about how having a daughter would be useless until he got a son, he needs to have his lineage properly set up before he can later plan to wed daughters off to the highest bidders. Hearing him say that made Ludovica genuinely vomit out of pure disgust, lucky she was able to play it off as morning sickness.

When Vica had miscarried the baby he was more annoyed at her than anything, her failure to properly function as a female just set his legacy plans back by months. "Alas it is no great matter, we could just simply have another." were his exact words when he was no longer annoyed about the child's passing. He didn't even mourn the loss of the child's life for a mere second, treating it as if the life that was once growing inside Vica was absolutely worthless.

That is what I got for now, there is probably more but I gotta get to writing Ludovica's story to fully figure out everything this asshole did to her.

My poor baby Vica. 😭

RIP (Rest in Piss), bozo. 💩

[tireddovahkiin]

CW: VENT POST!!! mentions of depression/indirect mention of suicidal thoughts/unhealthy coping mechanisms

Y'all I've come to a conclusion that seeing self ship doubles MAKES ME MORE SAD THAN SEEING CANON X CANON SHIPS-

Like bc- they actually dont bother me THAT much, I think of them more like a 'alternative cursed universe where there could always be a posibillity for crazy stuff' ship. Yk, like, how there COULD be an alternative universe out there where every president of a country have to wear a maid dress or something idfk-

the world is vast and we don't know SHIT about it

BUT THE FUCKING- ... DOUBLES...

It actually really really breaks my heart... Almost like I'm watching a "thief" take away my most valuable treasure, yk... No offense to any doubles out there, you're valid, and you're no thief, you cannot choose who you love.

But I dunno... I also am very scared of "shadowbanning" in the self ship community... Like VERY scared.

With "shadowbanning" I mean, there being some bigger, more popular users on social media who are famous for being the (character's) spouse. The character we both self ship with. But of course, the popular one is going to gain much more attention and interactions because they have been self shipping for longer time, or their art/ s/is are very popular and likeable.

So, if I tried to break the ice through and consider myself the (character's) spouse, and share my self ship stuff on the platforms, I would be DOUBLE IGNORED, and FORGOTTEN above all.

And I cannot have the same mindset with the canon x canon ships, because I know that person DOES exist in real life. And that they the character much longer than me... And have merch... And celebrate anniversaries... And treat the relationship as a real one.

It's literally like a war... where the more 'loved' one wins.

Don't get me wrong. I ALSO want to do that form my own f/os. I WANT to build the a shrine, I WANT to treat my ship serious, I WANT to draw us, and to gather merch, I WANT to love my f/os as much as I feel love for them.

But sometimes, people are not able to fulfill their needs because of the situation/environment they're in.

For example, they could either be financially unstable, the country they live in has no 'merch' of the said media, the family is unsupportive and abusive, or just... Be VERY busy with life in general. Not being able to give attention to even the smallest things, like stuff they love to do in free time, let alone their beloved f/o.

.. I myself am in that situation. My country is poor, I am about to enter university, I am still healing from my past traumas/trying to get better and fight off the problems on my own, even if it is VERY difficult, and no one understands. I should already work and have a job, have MY money, ACT like an adult should, and become independent. But I am not. I was emotionally scarred, which left big impact on my (concerning) social, (terrifying) future, and (nonexistent) work life.

I basically depend off my parents, and know absolutely nothing in general, like- I feel hopeless, dissapointed. Scared above all. Because I think a part of me is still not ready to move on and grow up, and I already did.

So, if I cannot take care of MYSELF, how can I take care of the sacred relationship me and my f/os have, love I feel for them? The attention I oh so, DESPARATELY want to give them, yet I don't even give attention to my life, and try to hide away from everything? How can I even think about them if I cannot think about anything else?

... I dunno. I'm just... I just sometimes think I am underserving of such recognition, and to be called the (character's) lover/friend/family. Because, not do I "ignore" us, but I ignore my life, too.

With ignore, I mean, I TRY to survive every single day as the best I can. Get over it, then repeat again. For quite some time now. Cope with "stress" (when there IS NO actual stress) with unhealthy maladaptive daydreaming methods and isolation. And the stress is just... Life, in general.

Being a depression survivor is hard, because you're supposed to find a purpose for yourself, when you didn't even PICTURE yourself being THIS far. Keep going, while you're actually still somewhat struggling to find the path, and will to continue.

You isolate yourself from the world in your mind, your safe, comfort zone. Where anything good can happen, there's no stress, no duties, adultery, no work. You ghost people, avoid everyone and everything, stay in your home, and LITERALLY survive the day to the best of your abillity. Try to avoid thinking about ANYTHING else but you, your f/os, your perfect little world. You struggle with most simple things like getting up, eating the right ammount, doing things you like, taking care of yourself, but you're supposed to be an ADULT. To already KNOW how to take care of yourself, because FAR more worse things are waiting for you out there.

I love my f/os. But I don't love myself, what I have become. And that is what makes me worried the most. I cannot become what I want if I already act this terrible.

[lady-spacesis]

Kind of just a vent post as I try to fall asleep.

Feel free to completely ignore this, I'm honestly not even confident that it's going to make any sense. I just need to sort out my thoughts somewhere my family isn't going to see them and become concerned.

I haven't taken my meds in two weeks while visiting with a friend and other than feeling a little overtired, I genuinely have not been having the emotional problems I have when I'm at home.

This makes me feel like maybe it isn't my emotions that are the issue, but my family's constant need to invalidate my feelings.

Almost every time I have had a poor mental health moment, it's because I tried to communicate how I feel to a family member, and they responded by belittling, invalidating, or gaslighting me.

I live with my grandparents, my mother, and my uncle and I don't have a bedroom door, I've been told for two years that they have one, they just need to put it in the frame.

I once tried to vacuume the living room when I was a teenager and before I could UNSPOOL the cord to plug it in, my mother grabs it from me, exclaims that I'm doing it wrong, and decides that she's just going to do it instead.

My mother bought three $200 carpets with my money on the month of my birthday and gets angry when I continue to ask for the money back.

My grandfather owed me $80 for two survival flashlights, and when I asked to have it so I could have some money when I visited a friend (still broke from the carpets) my grandmother told him to only give me $20 "so I wouldn't spend it all" as if I was the reason I had no money.

I went to the hospital for a stomach issue that my family kept feeding me laxatives to fix and my mother and grandmother walked into the waiting room to yell about how I was going to embarrass myself, then left.

A year later- I'm scheduled for a double endoscopy for the SAME issue and am drinking water the day before as I was instructed. But because I wasn't chugging 4 ounces of water all at once, they threatened to cancel my appointment.

I chugged a half an ounce of water in 10 minutes and went to my family and sassily tossed the empty water bottle on the floor to show them that I did drink it.

Was it mature? No? Did my grandmother need to call me a little bitch, chase me, scream at me, and smack me for just repeating "I drank the water" instead of yelling back at her?

Did my mom need to grab a fistful of my hair while shoving the empty bottle in my face and asking if I wanted to eat it?

I don't really feel like it.

And then, after I say that pulling my hair was wrong, I'm told by my grandmother "she didn't pull your hair, she put her hand on your head to calm you down and her fingers got tangled"

Ok, my hair isn't a rats nest and no one says "do you want to eat this fucking bottle?" To someone they are trying to calm down.

The next day, they found 2 polyps in my stomach and the doctor claimed that they usually don't occur in 26 year olds.

I also have a prolactinoma (a non cancerous brain tumor that effects hormones)

But because I'm taking cabergoline to surpress how much prolactin it produces, whenever I bring up that I have a tumor, my grandmother responds with "it's probably gone by now"

I am not allowed to feel any way about anything and I'm almost positive that my "irrational mood swings" are just me getting really fed up with having no one on my side about literally anything I'm going through.

And there's this part of me that is second guessing everything I just said and wondering if maybe I really am just irrationally emotional about things I should just let go of.

I'm so frigging confused.

[yourthirdparent]

OH MY GOD okay so a beloved follower of mine sent me an ask about my tristan mclean headcanons like in december but i accidentally deleted !!!!!!! the fuckcing ask !!!!!!!!!!!!!! so i'm making it a post. hope you don't mind. also sorry for the wait

most of my thoughts are things i can not share on this blog (this is the Normal blog for Normal things and not the fucked up torture i subject this man to on a regular basis. tbf i hardly post about it on the Bad Posts blog either but like still. can share it on ao3 though check out sleep by imjustheretoreadonefic (don't do that it's not good)) but you can ask about that (if you want, which you probably won't because it is not most people's thing lmao) on my sideblog, yourfourthparent!! BUTBUTBUT i do have some thoughts and headcanons and such that are at the very least decently presentable!!!!

starting off first: i think he's bi! i think he figured out he was bi when he was pretty young (probably somewhere in his teenage years, probably like 15 max) and when he was in his 20s he was very involved in the queer community (his 20s being. in the 80s. sorry.) and was like a big activist. that is until the curse.

the curse being him hitting his big break. stars in some film that wasn't supposed to really blow up but it like Fucking Smashed and suddenly he was like all those guys who do one role and then are suddenly in Everything. cuz he sure is in literally everything. once he starts blowing up ofc he's got folks to help manage his image and at some point they're like haha [lip bite] you gotta stop with that gay shit or straight audiences won't find you marketable. you're already native and folks can hardly handle that let alone you being an active queer activist. you gotta cut that shit out so you can be the next batman or whatever. and tristan's like Well at least i'll make money to support myself and my dying father!

newsflash his father dies of cancer before he gets a chance. tristan's doing his best to avoid thinking about his father's death so he moves out of oklahoma blah blah yk how it goes.

he has piper when he's 33 ! everything's set and he's settled and then piper comes along and like. he's alright. he can handle this. he can be a good father (he's white knuckling the bathroom sink while he says this)

yeah he's terrified of being a shitty father. he does his best to keep her away from the press and keep her Okay for the most part but in order to do that he doesn't get to see her much etc etc. you know. you've read hoo. bleh

when piper starts dating jason he's like Oh cool ! i am about to break down ! cuz like. hey man. he is so not prepared for the reality of The Passage of Time. wdym his daughter is 16. fym tristan's almost fifty. that's so fucked up how is this allowed.

anyways he and jason are like Besties (*shoving my Bad posts to the side*) like they're such good friends they hang out so often even after jason and piper break up they're just Hiding it then. like they have weekly chess meetings and they talk about books and their lives and jason concerns tristan So Much oh my god tristan is so scared for this poor boy What are those tattoos young man Who are these "wolves" that raised you What is this "legion" Are you in a gang Little private school boy are you in a gang. What do you mean your first language is latin.

ngl my obsession with tristan came from my obsession with jason. i made a post like ages ago about how silly it'd be if tristan was jason's gay awakening and i just kept. thinking about them hanging out. and it spiralled and now i'm insane about him sorry. jason will always be my number one but Oohhhhh tristan consumes me.

anyways live tristan reaction when he finds out jason's mom is beryl grace in the middle of showing jason and piper a million old movies (beryl is in one and jason sees her and immediately freezes and tristan's just talking through the movie (hes silly sorry he talks through the whole thing. piper actually likes it because she has a hard time following movies so tristan explaining everything is good but jason is vaguely annoyed by it. he loves tristan to death don't get him wrong it's just that he can't concentrate on the kovie with tristan spitting fun facts a million words a second) when he looks over to see if theyre still watching and he just sees piper fretting over jason who's looking at the screen with a thousand gard stare.

let's go misc things that i want to mention somewhere but don't really fit uhhhh

i have this idea where tristan used to be a drag queen. i don't have any of the details down not a single one but i think about him talking to piper and her friends about the old days when he was a queen. mentions something offhandedly about how he wants to wear more feminine clothing and someone's like "oh are you like. yk. a gamer" and he's like "oh nonono i'm not trans trust me i explored my gender plenty, wore makeup, padded my bra, did drag for a few years, changed my name—" and they're like "you did DRAG ???" and he's like "OH yeah LOLZ i was terrible lol. my team keeps trying to bury it from public view for a reason. those looks were NOT serving !!!!" (he doesn't talk like that but i'm being silly rn)

(you just knoooooow jason was jaw on the floor immediately looking up TRISTAN MCLEAN DRAG TRISTAN MCLEAN DRAG QUEEN PERSONA NAME TRISTAN MCLEAN DRAG QUEEN TRISTAN MCLEAN— the SECONDDDD he got a chance. like staring so hard at old ass pictures of tristan doing drag and realising like Oh maybe i am bi. piper dumped him because she found his search history /j)

i think when his father died he cut his hair but then when it started growing long again it reminded him too much of the past that he Didn’t Want To Think About so he just. kept it short. and it's been short ever since. BUTBUTBUT when piper decides she wants to reconnect with her culture (which she's been mostly separate from because of tristan's own avoidance of it due to memories of his childhood and his father and blahblahblah) it sort of motivates him to do it too. like if piper's gonna do it after tristan entirely cut her from their culture then like. he can too. and it was a big part of his life when he was younger so like. he knows shit. i'm not good at this btw sorry i just have ideas UGSFHADGSF but anyways when piper starts reconnecting he decides to do it too and his first step with like Getting Comfortable again is growing his hair out. it's a smaller step yk he just doesn't cut his hair it's nothing active. (ofc when it starts getting properly long he has a few moments. he has to really confront his grief over his father's death and just the fear of that alone is enough to make him want to cut it again. piper stops him before he does but he has a few moments where he questions if it's worth it)

ik i just said earlier that he's not trans but like sometimes. with characters. i have headcanons that complety contradict each other. that is to say Transfem tristan mclean headcanon. she changes her name to t. just T. t wynn mclean. she goes by t cuz it's something she's already used to (jason called her that all the time before she came out).

these are all the ones i have off the top of my head agh pleaseplease feel free to ask more about any of these !!! (or critique them lmao half of them are. things i suck at explaining because they exist only for hyperspecific scenarios wherein nothing happens but tristan talking to jason or piper LMAO) you can also send in your own headcanons about him or jason or piper because EYE WANT TO READ MORE ABOUT THEM RAAAAGHHH seriously there's so little stuff that features him especially and if you have literally anything at all i would lovelovelove to read it all !!!!!!! sorry for deleting the ask btw i really didn't mean to LMAO sorry to my honourary mutual (i'd tag you but i'm afraid of misremembering who it was LMAO sorry mate 💔💔)

[lesb0]

when you say porn is filming rape and trafficking what do you mean or where did you learn that? i almost got into the industry when i was dating a girl who was up & coming in the industry, but as i met more and more women i was startled by how many of us are survivors of childhood sexual abuse! and i am one too. the only time i’ve met that many survivors in one place is literally in support groups. there were also a couple instances i heard where women would say their consent was violated in some way with a popular male actor and not much happens, sometimes the male actor is dropped from that production company but then makes his own or moves to a different one. it isn’t always like that, i’ve met many women who said they enjoyed their job a lot and i did know women who were self sufficient away from professional porn, they would do pro shoots when they wanted (but didn’t necessarily need) more money. i think most of them would say they enjoyed what they do.

i’ve also met full service sex workers and all of them said they wanted to be able to stop doing that and hopefully get into porn instead. the two aren’t mutually exclusive though. when i asked “if you felt that you could do something else with your career, would you?” sometimes they seemed hesitant to answer, and sometimes they would say “nope, i like what i’m doing!” i think it would be offensive if i didn’t believe them so i did, i believed they had agency as women and i don’t want to patronize or infantilize them. but i was aware the choice to stay in the career is a choice made under patriarchy. i worried for my reputation because you can only do the job for so long, and i didn’t know many women 50+ or what they do after their career slows. i knew one over 40 who has her own production company.

all that was enough for me to steer myself away from porn. there’s something called The Whorearchy and what I wanted to do was be at the top where cam girls, only fans, and amateur self-owned productions were - and then sometimes choose to do professional porn with my girlfriend and a female producer. i knew many women who were happy doing it this way. still, i felt it really wasn’t worth it. i’d rather be poor now and wealthy in old age than the other way around.i was told saying they film rape and trafficking is a popular “swerf” talking point, and i’ve heard conservatives say it too. the statement conjures an image of women on drugs in dank and dirty rooms being told what to do by their pimps. the majority of the women in the porn industry i did know were seriously offended by people saying that, especially those in their amateur productions or doing cam work. however the truth was that they and i knew that once you were famous it would make it difficult to do anything else outside of adult industries. some would say we are all coerced to do work and the industry is abusive not because it’s sex work but because it’s under capitalism. i support decriminalization laws and destigmatization that make life harder for sex workers and increase violence against them.

so when you say that statement do you mean it’s because women can’t leave the industry without serious financial hardship so their consent is not full consent? i’m wondering if there is something i don’t already know.

thank you so much terra!

Yeah I mean porn and sex work as an industrial complex has a systemic structure in which women are tricked into accepting large sums of money, trips, vacations, gifts, drugs, etc on high profile "dates" and then told she will need to "work it off". Sometimes it's filmed, that's how the porn industry thrives now. it's become much easier via influencers and only fans to facilitate this kind of "glamour" trafficking and rape. It's not that they'll leave with a big debt, it's more that they'll make her murder look like a suicide.

Celebrities like prince, drake, diddy, have made money from these kinds of yachting trafficking rings for decades. My ex was in this lifestyle as a dominatrix and stripper before she became trans masc, has to change her name and identity and address every few years. it was all extremely traumatic. I have nothing against girls who stay in the industry but it is absolutely not "just a job".

[mermaidsirennikita]

Have you read historical books with the I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF HER vibe?

Devil's Bride and Scandal's Bride by Stephanie Laurens immediately come to mind. Like, all the Cynster books are really on this because Cynsters are CONQUERORS!!!!11 but these two are especially intense. Devil is like, buying Honoria a million gowns without her asking or consenting, and she's like "why" and he's all "I AM PRACTICING FOR BEING HUSBAND???" even though she. Still. Has not. Accepted. His proposal.

Richard/Scandal is just like. Convinced that Catriona needs someone to follow her around and take care of her while she does her mystical Lady of the Vale duties. And to be fair, he is correct, because Catriona is completely insane and sees absolutely nothing wrong with hurtling herself into danger. One of my favorite little moments in the book is when they're walking on like, a wintry landscape, and she's all "I CAN DO EVERYTHING BY MYSELF I DON'T NEED YOU" and then immediately like slips on some ice and almost falls. And Laurens describes him as sort of being like "God help me" while grabbing her before she hits the ground.

Indigo by Beverly Jenkins, dude. Hester is so practical and is so determined to take care of herself, and Galen comes into her life and is like "no no no I am the captain now". His grand gesture at the end. Ugh. Just thinking about it makes me wanna cry. Such great caretaking.

Grace Callaway heroes tend to be this way, while also being paired with the battiest women on God's earth, who again will just cartwheel into danger. Olivia and The Masked Duke, Fiona and The Enigmatic Earl, and Glory and The Master of Shadows are the ones that really stand out to me on this front. (I've read like... a lot of Grace's books lol, but she also has a big backlist and I need to knock out some more soon because I love her.) The Duke Who Knew Too Much also has this vibe hard.

On a different from, How to Steal a Scoundrel's Heart has this vibe in a different way, wherein the very frosty hero who only intends to keep the heroine as his mistress, it's just business... but then she gets her period and is in bed with cramps and he's like "AWWWWW" and like curls up with her in bed to hold her and shit lol.

Lorraine Heath heroes always wanna take care of a woman lol. Shoutout to Olivia getting sick in Between the Devil and Desire and Jack Dodger having an entire conniption over it. Putting her in the ice bath, making her endure it to bring down her fever, watching her sleep in her weird little room of clocks (and calling in Graves, the Greatest Victorian Doctor of All Time) to be like "OMG HELP HER but also to be clear I have zero emotional investment in this annoying woman" while Graves, who's known Jack since childhood, is like "RIIIIIGHT SURE".

Surrender to the Devil is a great "let me take care of you" book. Sterling is another one who initially just wants a mistress, but once he realizes how traumatized and in need of tenderness Franny is, he's sooooo gentle and sweet and caring with her.

Waking Up with the Duke, of course. Shoutout to Ainsley rubbing Jayne's feet while she's like a billion months pregnant (lol me laughing and crying with it segueing to him pushing her nightgown up and her going "... I cannot sleep with you right now" only for him to respond with "I have literally never seen you BIG WITH MY CHILD, can I please just stare creepily at your pregnant belly :/". And then he kisses it. That poor man. I'd die for him.) He also puts her in a special warm pool while her back hurts??? And then she IS like "okay you can do it to me now".

The Duke's Perfect Wife by Jennifer Ashley. Like, never mind Hart giving Eleanor money without being asked while she's like "I don't want you to take care of me and my stupid father who's not good with money" and he's all "I am going to take care of you and your stupid father who's not good at money" (tucking the cash into her bodice) (in his brother's book.... god what an ALPHA movie)... He's also like such a caretaker. He's a NESTING HERO which is really a subsection of the caretaking hero. Hart wants to build Eleanor a nest lined with so much fur and feathers and random shining objects he finds on the forest floor. When she gets hurt, he's like "Eleanor!!!! We cannot Do Things while your arm is in a sling!!!!" and Eleanor is all "oh trust and believe we can". (She wins. One of the only books where he's shellacking her while her arm is in a sling.)

In Which Matilda Halifax Learns the Value of Restraint by Alexandra Vasti has this vibe to me. Because again, Matilda is crazy, and Christian is very like *SIT DOWN YOU SILLY WOMAN AND LET ME TAKE CARE OF THIS*. Fortunately, Matilda is soooo into that.

Hotel of Secrets by Diana Biller has a hero who's like, a virgin and very uptight with this much more experienced and free-spirited heroine. But like. So much of this book is her having near-death experiences and him charging in to save her. Like, not even intentionally? He's just acting on instinct. It's very dear and I love it.

The Duke Gets Even by Joanna Shupe. OBVIOUSLY. Lockwood is literally like "nobody has ever taken care of this woman and guess what I am gonna fix that RIGHT NOW". He like, forces her to get in the tub with him after. He pushes cuddling all the time. He's like forcing her to rely on him lol.

Marrying Winterborne by Lisa Kleypas, another obvious one. I think Dreaming of You gives me this vibe a lot too because Derek Craven is just like "take my Regency black card and buy yourself EVERYTHING" because Derek Craven has zero taste and he's gonna buy all of it like the new money man he is.

[leucrotta]

hey this is another very negative venting post so don't click through if you don't want to read that

I usually put this stuff in tags but I just don't feel like it. I couldn't even afford a half gallon of milk this week and it sent me spiraling. I try my best to put on a brave face, but how much is one person supposed to be able to take?

things are still Very Bad. feels like it's getting worse, but it's been getting increasingly worse for the better part of a year, possibly the better part of a decade, so it's hard to tell anymore. nothing has gotten better, ever, at all. only worse.

I still haven't heard a single thing from social security. it's possible I never will because the abomination running our government will keep firing them all and cutting benefits. also was told today by my doctor that for people under 50 with mental health conditions, it's basically always a denial anyway. mental disabilities aren't real to anyone, not just the general public. even appeals apparently don't get anywhere. and I probably have to wait at least half a year to find out that I've been rejected.

and like, I cannot stress this enough, but there is no plan b here. this is already plan z, plan alpha, omega, whatever. there's nothing else. I do not have options. the only thing that can save me is a miraculous cure for a disease that has destroyed my life since I was 12.

the doctor asked me today about any times in my life that I was really happy. pretty sobering to realize i couldn't remember any. I guess I remember being okay during undergrad, and I must've at least been doing better, since I kept up a 4.0 for almost four years with a double major and a job (more than one job at certain points). but I really don't know if I was happy, and the fact that I don't know is probably enough of an answer. I think I was just better at faking it back then. it's not like I even actually chose to go to college, it was that or be homeless.

came to the conclusion a while ago that everything I have ever accomplished or done was for nothing. got into art school, didn't go. eventually went to college, did fine, but I picked a useless degree, never found a job in my field, and never will. didn't even follow it through to the phd stage, and I'll never be able to afford that now. if I even wanted to do it, since I figured out far too late that I don't even want the career I spent half my life working toward. all it gave me was crippling debt I can never pay back. never had a single job I liked, and I'm jobless now, so none of it mattered. literally none of it mattered.

no progress on the medical front. the last medication, literally meant to keep narcoleptics awake, did nothing. nothing. we're going a completely different direction now because we've run out of options on the normal route, but apparently this treatment can take a long time to be effective at all, so I won't know for a while if it's even doing anything.

I am still 100% reliant on the kindness of other people to eat, and all of them have made it pretty clear how much helping me hurts them. I don't think they're doing it on purpose to make me feel bad, but constantly hearing how strapped for cash everyone is because of me sure isn't helping. everyone I know is already poor and cannot afford another burden. I never know from week to week if I'll have money for groceries. I never know from month to month if I will continue to have a car, and thus continue to be able to survive. this month, it's not looking great. I'm already almost two months behind on payments, which means they've locked my bank account. which means no one can help me anymore unless they can physically hand me cash. I have to call tomorrow to beg them to let me get money out of my paypal just so I can get groceries. I also have to beg them not to take my car while I wait for my tax refund, which will come much later, because I have to get it in the mail. because of the locked bank account. the worst part isn't even losing the car at this point, it's having wasted the time, effort, and money of everyone who has kept me afloat these last 7+ months.

I don't want to ask for money online again. I felt awful enough about the last time.

I don't even have any pride left I'm just tired of not having any agency. I'm tired of my life being entirely subject to the whims of a non-functioning government and a bank that seems to think making it as hard as possible to pay them is the solution to me not having money. and I seriously don't want to hear "just go to a different bank and get a new account" even one more time. I. do not. have. money. guess what you need to open a bank account?

oh yeah, and I forgot to mention, I'm pretty sure? I'm being sued? by a credit card company? I honestly don't know what they want, or what they expect to get. I have no income, none whatsoever. I literally, in the most accurate sense of the word, cannot pay them. I can't pay back anything I owe, and the amount at this point is frankly staggering. the idea of me getting a lawyer is laughable.

I won't sugarcoat it, hanging on is getting really, really hard, and I am absolutely not willing to check myself into a hospital. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone, because when I have tried in the past, my issues have been swept aside or I've been told "I can't help you". which like, of course you can't. nobody can. that's the point that is why I am trying to talk to you. or worse "what can I say that will make this better?" NOTHING. NOTHING. you can say. nothing.

all I really do is sleep now. I can't even afford to drive out anywhere to do free things, so I'm housebound 97% of the time. I haven't created much of anything in over a year. I can't do anything fun or even recreational. I either can't focus enough or don't have the energy for my hobbies. even a fun thing I decided to take part in has just become a stressful obligation I can no longer keep up with.

I'm not living right now, I'm surviving, and I'm barely doing that. honestly starting to wonder why I'm bothering anymore.