#i am so lucky to have had my grandparents as long as I have

[zafiro-anyejo]

.

[jellybeanium124]

if you'll allow me to flaunt my psych minor for a second, I'd like to talk about epigenetics. there's studies that show that if you shock a rat when you let them taste a certain flavor, they will immediately become averse to that flavor. not surprising. what is surprising is that the rat's grandchildren, who have never been shocked when given that flavor, will also be averse to it and afraid of it and avoid it. there's also correlational evidence to suggest that the descendants of people who suffered through famine are more likely to put on weight and keep it on easier, even if they have never been through a famine themself.

trauma gets passed down. the kinds of trauma your parents, grandparents, and so-on lived through is still living in you. even if your parents were the most well-off, loving, best parents in the world, their trauma is still in you.

now if you'll allow me to take a slight turn here: there's a wild rabbit inside every jew.

my dad grew up being called "jew-boy." my mother had a coworker throw pennies at her at her job in the 2010s. and that's just two examples. they both grew up being harassed for being jewish. I wasn't. I'm incredibly lucky. the amount of antisemitism I've experienced in real life has been incredibly minimal. I didn't even hear anyone make an antisemitic joke in front of me until college.

and none of us were seriously persecuted. none of my grandparents were seriously persecuted. but even though nobody's broken my windows, nobody's beaten me in the streets, and I haven't been at any of those horrible protests in person, the fear is there. this deep seated, blood-pumping fear of the ancient jewish rabbit in me telling me to run. to run for dear life, to run as far as my legs can get me, as long as my heart keeps pumping and my lungs keep breathing.

we all feel this.

everyone feels this.

I called my mother yesterday. when I brought up this feeling she paused, and the silence said everything. she told me I wasn't alone. she feels it. my dad feels it. my brother feels it. my nana and grampa feel it. every jew you know, online, in real life, hell, even the famous ones, they feel it. the rabbit is inside us all, and the rabbit knows, because its brothers who didn't flee in the past were slaughtered.

the rabbit is leaping around my chest, all of our chests, chanting run run run run run run run.

I don't know if I can explain it to gentiles. I don't know if this makes sense to you. I don't know how to get across how crystal clear and deep and primal this fear is, and how much all of us are feeling the exact same fear, despite our different lives and different histories and the fact we're different people.

part of me wishes it didn't matter. that I didn't feel like I needed to get goyim to understand my specific cultural and ethnic experiences. because I don't feel like I need to deeply understand everyone else's. I am a white passing ashkenazi american jew, and I will never fully understand what it is like to be anything else. that doesn't dissolve my responsibility to educate myself and practice empathy, but it's ok. idk, maybe other people do desperately wish they could get people not in their specific group to deeply understand what it's like to be them. I imagine that feeling is universal. I guess, it's just like, the left is unified that everyone is a person, everyone is equal, everyone is human, except the jews. nobody is left out but the jews. everyone's word is believed, but the jews. and it makes me feel like I have to beg and plead with people to understand what being jewish means, because we're not included with everyone else. we're the enemy. and I want people to see we're not the enemy.

epigenetics.

[rootspiral]

Agatha All Along deep dive: episode 4 part 4

(Wandavision entries: [1][2][3])

(AAA entries: ep1 [1][2][3][4] ep2 [1][2][3][4] ep3 [1][2][3] ep4 [1][2][3][4][5][6][7][+1] ep5 [1][2][3][4][5] ep6 [1][2][3] ep7 [1][2][3][4][5][6] ep8 [1][2][3][4][5][6][7][8][9] ep9 [1][2][3][4][5][6])

agatha once again protecting billy with her whole body.

"I didn't think it was real! I thought it was me, that it's my fault that I can't keep a job, that everything I touch turns to shit! That I couldn't save her!"

The poison drips through (yes I love Succession). Generational curse, generational trauma. The pain of who knows how many centuries of parents and grandparents and great-grandparents times a thousand. It's like a boulder that you're carrying around on your shoulders, and you can't see it and you can't put a name to it, how could you? How can you possibly know why your mother drank herself stupid, why your grandmother abused her children? You were born yesterday and drank all that poison without knowing what it was, you let it take it over and you walk around spreading it to the world.

And amidst all the pain, alice only ever chose to blame and hurt herself and she was always gentle to others. her biggest regret is not having been able to save her mom! you know why alice never turned into a villain like agatha? because her mom loved her. as simple and as that. lorna was so ill-equipped to save alice, she didn't know what she was up against, she was in a world of pain herself. and she went above and beyond to show her child how infinitely precious and loved she was.

oh wow, I usually say I'm crying as a figure of speech, but I am crying for real thinking about this.

lilia who has lived so long and experienced her big share of suffering, knowing all too well what alice is going through. there's so much compassion in her voice

jen stubbornly refusing to care about anything but her own pain, which is actually a very human way to respond to trauma? it's like she's at a crossroads and it's up to her to choose whether she goes back to being the force of good she used to be, or whether she goes down agatha's same path. I say it's up to her because it ultimately is, but she was so lucky finding this coven and community at such a crucial moment. agatha didn't have any of it.

no! don't apologize, you beautiful, generous soul! the sense of guilt and inferiority complex is real

agatha's face when billy is attacked

she starts running toward him even before alice

but when she gets there she freezes and lets alice go check on him

when she sees he's fine, she sighs and collapses against the door, clutching her chest.

lilia is really starting to get attached to everyone, and throughout her life love and loss have always been inherently linked. she already knows she's going to lose them.

okay jen refusing to leave the circle is still funny, I'll give her that

through all this rio has been watching and studying agatha, she always does. she knows that her diabolically smart wife loves to be in charge and come up with plans. she's being encouraging!

look at how small alice is! she's been helping and consoling billy just a moment ago, despite being miserable herself.

first of all, that's hilarious, so jot that down. second of all, you know agatha is so relieved she has to put on a show instead of doing something icky like, idk, sitting in a circle and talking about their feelings. and look at rio at the drums, she's already put all the clues together as well

oooh, she's doing the thing! she's detectiving! agatha harkness ladies and gentlemen, her hobbies are women, murder and puzzles.

and who gives her the solution? who has had millennia to study and commiserate human love and grief? she says it and she looks at agatha so pointedly.

The song that's so irrevocably linked to Nicky's memory, the song that she's been desecrating and using as a means to kill. A mother took it and poured all her love into it and made it pure again. Agatha has to live with that now, and you know that's going to take root inside her and affect her no matter what

this whole performance is patti going I might be singing backup again but watch me be a total diva about it

I LOVE YOU PATTI LUPONE

you'd think that alice should sing lead vocals here, seeing as it's her trial and her mom's song and all. WELL THINK AGAIN

the massive ego agatha has, honestly. you gotta respect that.

the feeling when you are the only normal person in a group of total hooligans. did I already say how gorgeous sasheer looks in that outfit? no I didn't. you are an apparition, sasheer.

but I want the song to have its own separate entry so hold on tight, brb

go to episode 4 part 5

[cherrycherryves]

Madness in Mansion Chapter I

A Long Trek, a Great Journey

“Dear Miss Bethany,

By the time you are reading this, I will (hopefully) be long gone. I would tell you where I am going specifically, but I know you or someone else would have to come find me. I have left to find my father. My biological father! So please, please, please don’t worry! (And don’t chase me!)

I know me leaving might make things hard. I won’t be around to help with the other kids or the cleaning or the cooking. I’m sorry for putting more on your plate. But this is something I must do! Something calls for me! And if all goes well, you and the agency won’t have to worry about me anymore! I’ll be with my father safe and sound! If I can, I’ll send you a text message when I get to him and all settled in!

Love,

Lazari Swann!

P.S. There’s still some left over lasagna in the fridge if you were worried about dinner tonight! I put it on the bottom shelf! :-D”

Lazari taped her folded letter to the fridge. Really, it was the only place she was confident her foster mother would see it. The home was always chaotic, so many other kids, ones much younger than Lazari, demanded attention and care and nurturing. So much so that it was often Lazari herself offering such things to the toddlers and babies. She’d help make them breakfast, help them with homework, help them get dressed. Really, she was a bonafide second caregiver to her foster siblings. And while she wished she could’ve stayed after school for clubs or maybe been in her middle school’s play, she didn’t complain. There were much worse things in the world. Much worse situations.

Every morning her foster mother would rush out to the kitchen and begin making breakfast. She’d call for Lazari desperately, as well as some of the older kids to help. And every morning Lazari would jump into action, fully dressed and prepared for the day, and make the most delicious pancakes a 13 year old could make. So the brunette was certain that this was the spot for the letter to be. Brown eyes scanned her dark surroundings, the house still and chilly as she stepped back from the refrigerator. The young girl took a deep breath.

“Goodbye, home four.” She whispered out softly, jostling her stuffed backpack around to be better situated on her shoulders. She had already left letters for her siblings to find (the ones old enough to read at least) so all that was left to do was to leave and get to the bus station. All her money from allowance and chores was saved up for this moment. All her research at the library and on school computers when she should’ve been paying attention to algebra lessons, it was all for this purpose and this purpose alone. Lazari Swann would find her father.

Her mother had died after giving birth to her, that’s what she knew. Her father was nowhere to be found. All she had of her parents was her mother’s necklace and some old photos her mother had kept in an album. The album was mostly of her mother and her family, Polaroids from adventures long buried in the wake of a premature death. Her grandparents refused to take her in, refused contact, and Lazari was left to the devices of the foster care system. She was allowed to keep that album though, the one with many stories never to be heard from her mother’s own mouth. And there was one photo in particular that always caught little Lazari’s attention.

— 🍝 —

Lazari stared at the photo long and hard as she felt the shifts of the bus, as it turned and slowed and sped up. Her fingers rubbed over the ink that had stained the film, her only clue to finding her remaining family, a location she had never heard of yet oozed familiarity.

Loblolly, Alabama

XX,XX,1993

Cascada’s “Everytime We Touch” bumped in her earbuds, bright red iPod held firmly in her opposite hand. She had studied this picture for so much of her childhood, she felt like she could draw it from memory. Lucky for her, a bus from Louisiana to Loblolly, Alabama existed, and 8 hours later that bus was slowing to a hefty stop. Lazari braced herself as the vehicle jolted, it wasn’t exactly a graceful finish to the ride. She popped her head up and tucked the photo away into her jeans’ pocket, pressing pause on her little device and wrapping her earbuds around it to place back in her bag. There weren’t many other passengers on this ride, and certainly none as bright eyed as Lazari. They all seemed lost, the girl had briefly thought, but then again, perhaps she was as well. She shyly thanked the bus driver for getting them to their destination safely and was on her way.

Loblolly, Alabama… the fresh air was welcomed into Lazari’s lungs as she stepped off the bus’ steps and looked around herself. She was closer than ever before to answers, to family, she just wasn’t sure exactly where to start her search. The photo she had been studying all this time was hard to decipher; it was a red monolith erected in what seemed to be a forest of black trees. She always assumed the photo was just taken at night, that’s why it was so dark and ominous looking. But where should she start searching if the whole town seemed to be surrounded by trees? A grumble in her stomach brought her thoughts back to the present moment. It was around lunch time now, no wonder she’d be hungry. So, her search would have to be put on pause while she found something to eat.

The young girl walked by many fascinating things, old stores that somehow seemed to be up and running still, the town square and a library, posts and walls with countless missing persons papers stapled on them. Lazari found herself watching her reflection as she walked by store and restaurant display windows, pleased with herself since her plan was going so smoothly. She disappeared into a small diner to grab a quick bite to eat, setting her overly-packed bag next to herself in the booth. An older woman waltzed over to her, makeup intense and perfume even more so. She peered over her cat-eye glasses to the young lady in front of her, face uninviting but words warm.

“What can I get ya to drink, honey?” Her voice was raspy, but gentle. Lazari decided it was pleasant.

“Oh! Um… do you have iced tea?” The brunette asked meekly, smiling politely like always. The woman didn’t have to write anything on her small notepad yet. She just nodded and stated:

“I’ll be right back with that, hon.”

Lazari watched as she walked away before turning her attention back to the menu. She thought about getting a sandwich, something easy to finish so she wouldn’t have leftovers and waste food, it was just a matter of figuring out what kind. As her eyes scanned over the options, she couldn’t help but pick up on the low conversations surrounding her.

“Did you hear he was spotted again?”

“Yeah, by the high school right? I wonder what he was doing there…”

“There weren’t any reports last night… no new victims or anything. Do you think he’s planning something bigger?”

The sound of a glass clinking against the table made Lazari jump. She looked up to see her waitress, face flushing as she found her own spacing out silly. She thanked the woman who nodded and brought out her notepad.

“Now, what can I get ya to eat?” Lazari had decided to get something simple after all. She ordered a grilled cheese with tomato soup, perfect since the days were getting a bit colder. Once the waitress was gone again, Lazari slumped back against the booth and let herself rest for a short moment.

It was when the waitress was coming to take her dirty plate when she got the confidence to ask. Holding the picture with sweaty fingertips, Lazari looked up to the older woman and squeaked out her question.

“I-I hate to be a bother, ma’am, but I was wondering if-if you know where this is?” The girl presented the image to the waitress and her eyebrows raised. Lazari wasn’t sure if they raised out of recognition or curiosity, or perhaps maybe for a more negative reason like annoyance. Either way, the woman took the picture in her aged hands and tilted her head. After what felt like an eternity, she spoke.

“Sorry, hon, I haven’t got a clue.” Lazari felt her hope falter a bit. “Maybe it could be the park down the road from the high school? You know, there’s a lot of trails there and what not? I think that’s your best bet at finding something like this.” The woman handed the picture back to Lazari with care. She picked up the plate before pausing and turning her head to say something else. “If you’re gonna be going there anytime soon, just be careful. There’s been nasty things going on around us lately…” The waitress turned her head away and left slowly after that, leaving her words to linger in Lazari’s mind. Ultimately, she decided that whatever it was had nothing to do with her or her goals. The young girl gathered her belongings, left an overly-generous tip, and was once again off on her merry journey.

It took a good while to find the high school. Lazari had to ask around for directions and received odd looks in response. It was like the townspeople couldn’t believe someone new had shown up there willingly. They would briefly answer her questions and then brush her off, all guarded and cautious. However, Lazari eventually found her way. And here she was on a hill, gazing upon the small school with a tilt to her head. She felt like she had seen this school before, maybe on the news or in an online article. But that wasn't the point of finding it. Now that she was here, she was certain she’d be able to find that park the waitress had mentioned to her.

“From the high school, go left.” She muttered to herself, reminding herself of the directions a more friendly townsperson had given her. She made her trek down the long road and before she knew it, she was entering the park.

It seemed like any other wildlife park. There were hiking trails, picnic areas, but everything seemed deathly still. An odd melancholy permeated the air. Lazari couldn’t tell if her sudden apprehension was because it would be getting dark soon or if she was just freaking herself out. It was just a park after all, a nature preserve! But the words her waitress shared with her suddenly rang in her head. Still, she had come all this way, she wouldn’t give up on finding her dad now.

Lazari stopped by a map of the trails and inhaled sharply as she realized just how many there were. There was no mention of a red tower, just trail names and things of more importance. She wouldn’t make progress just standing around, she had to keep moving. The young girl picked the longest trail to go down, thinking that this way she’d cover more land. If she didn’t find the tower on this trail, she’d just come back and pick a different one. Sure, it might be tedious, but she felt so close to uncovering something. Her heart raced, and she wanted to believe it was from the adrenaline of finally meeting her father, not from unease.

— 🍝 —

The sun was just disappearing behind the trees when she saw it. The red tower. Her heartbeat quickened, thumping hard against her rib cage. She felt the prick of tears, being in an area where her father and mother must’ve stood at one point. Sure, the tower was rusted and unsturdy, and the trees were a muted green instead of inky black, but this had to be it. She was at the exact angle the photo was taken from! She placed the Polaroid back into her pocket and kneeled down to retrieve her flashlight. Finally, she was finally getting somewhere. Lazari stood back up and switched her flashlight on. She gazed upon the tower once more, and as the sun faded, slowly… so did her optimism.

It suddenly dawned on her just exactly what she was doing here. She had left her foster home behind, traveled 8 hours to a location she’s never been to before, trekked through the woods alone, all just to see some tower that might have something to do with her father? What was she expecting to find here? Was she expecting him to be there? Waiting for her? Was she expecting some miracle to happen, or for something to make sense? She was here and now what was there left to do? That prick of tears turned sour as they trailed down her rounded cheeks. She choked on a hurried breath as her actions, and their possible consequences, started catching up to her. What was the point of this? What was the point of anything?

crrrrack

The sound of a twig sharply snapping made Lazari stiffen. The sound stung her ears, she must’ve grown accustomed to the eerie silence that hung heavy in the branches. With haste, she turned and shakily pointed her flashlight towards the direction of the noise. What she saw before her was almost indescribable.

At first, she thought it was a person, emaciated and bare, but the more her gaze lingered on it, the more she realized that was no human being. Its crouched position gave it an animalistic quality, its face unnaturally contorted in a snarl, and its eyes seemed to reflect her flashlight’s brightness. She shrieked, crying so loudly in hopes the whole world could hear her and someone would be there to rescue her. But she’d have no such luck.

It all happened so quickly. The thing bounded towards her and she ran off the trail. She jumped and stumbled over overgrown roots, feeling thorns and sticks brush by her legs. At a certain point it caught up with her, grabbing her ankle and yanking her back. Her flashlight left her hand and she yelped as her chin met the forest ground. The thing, now on top of her, slashed at her face. She was quicker though and lifted her arms in defense, earning a tear to her favorite sweater (and her arm) instead.

Lazari had always heard your life flashes before your eyes before you die. She saw glimpses here and there, memories of birthdays or going to a new house or meeting a new sibling. She even faintly recalled a barn, and having no time to be confused by that thought, she let the memory comfort her as she tried to make peace with the fact that she was about to be killed. At least she’d get to meet one of her parents tonight. But before this creature could finish her off, she watched it get pounced on by something with much more weight to it.

The creature was tackled off her and she didn’t waste time crawling away. The sounds were that of a struggle. There was growling, tearing, the crunch of bones being crushed by powerful jaws. She snatched up her flashlight to at least give her surroundings more visibility, pointing it towards the sounds just in time to see that whatever had attacked her was dashing away into the darkness with a hiss. She trembled as she looked upon the other beast that remained. Would this one attack her too? Was it just fighting off a competitor to win the prize of a meal?

The dog looked back to her, head tilted and curious. Lazari felt her stomach start to settle. This was no beast! This was a dog! A very large dog, but a dog nonetheless! The animal trotted up to her, keeping its gaze submissive as if to show it was no threat. Lazari swallowed thickly, but didn’t stop it from coming to her. After everything that had just happened, the potential to pet a fluffy dog was the most comforting thing in the world. She reached out a hand and the thing ducked to fit its blocky head under it. With shaking hands still, Lazari stroked its fur, sniffling and trying to quiet her sobs. She did this for minutes, trying to will herself to stop shivering.

“Go-Good boy…” She finally whispered, fingers brushing against a collar. Carefully, she found the bone-shaped tag on it and shone her flashlight over its engraving. “Smile…? Is that your name?” The dog’s tail started to wag and it barked in response, earning a cringe from the young teen. She hushed him nervously, looking around herself and forcing herself to be vigilant. Lazari recounted her belongings, making sure she still had her backpack on her back, her flashlight in her hand, her picture in her pocket. After what felt like hours, she stood up, only mild tremors still affecting her body. Smile watched her and dutifully took on a protective stance once he realized she was ready to move again.

“I don’t suppose you know a way out of here?” She half joked, now realizing she didn’t recognize her surroundings at all. She had gotten so far off the trail. Smile nudged her leg, raising his neck to connect with her fingers. Curiously, Lazari grabbed onto his collar and he began to guide her in a seemingly random direction.

— 🍝 —

To her utter surprise, the dog named Smile had taken her to a cabin. The cabin was rickety, small and she would’ve thought it was abandoned had it not been for the warm lights seeping through the cracks of the boarded up windows. Smile finally left her side, trotting up to the cabin door with a wagging tail. She figured his owners must live here, maybe that’s why he was in the forest in the first place. Cautiously, Lazari stepped up to the cabin door and knocked on it, bony knuckles making a pleasant sound against the wood. There was a long pause and no movement, so desperately, Lazari knocked again. There was another long pause, but this time, some noise could be heard from within the rundown cabin and the door was opened with a great force. Lazari flinched, jumping back as the door swung away from her.

“What!?” A gruff voice sounded out, and Lazari’s vision focused on a man. The man before her stared at her dumbly as soon as he saw her, Smile at her side, happy and playful still. His brows were furrowed, but something in him seemed to immediately soften. Lazari and the man stared at each other for a long moment before a third person entered the equation.

“Tim? Who is it?” This man’s voice was more relaxed, curious as he also entered Lazari’s view and peered over the dark-haired man’s shoulder. He, upon seeing Lazari, immediately held a similarly dumbfounded expression. There was another long bout of staring. Lazari found the courage to try and explain her situation.

“I-I’m sorry! If I um… am disturbing you both! But um! I was on the trail in the park. And-And something attacked me! I don’t know what it was, but… I think your dog saved me? I ran off the trail and got lost when it came after me and I…” Lazari’s voice trailed off as words got jumbled in her head. After the running and the attack, she realized she had run out of steam very rapidly. This fatigue also made her completely forget about the term ‘stranger danger.’ And honestly, these men looked more scared of her than she should be of them. The one named Tim finally spoke.

“Come in.” He stated lowly, opening the door more for Lazari to enter. The other man also moved out of her way. She didn’t have to be told twice. The brunette hurried into the warmth of the cabin and felt herself completely unravel.

The tears started again, her sobbing and biting her lip to try and keep herself quiet. The taller man knelt down a bit by her, attempting to take her backpack off her and she let him.

“Hey now, you’re okay.” He cooed, setting her backpack down with care and taking her hand to guide her to the only bed in the cabin. “You can sit here. Now, what’d you say your name was?” The man squatted in front of her as she slumped down on the thin mattress.

“I’m Lazari.” She sputtered out pathetically, whimpering and shivering all over again.

“It’s nice to meet you Lazari. I’m Brian. That grumpy looking guy is Tim.” Brian nodded his head to the dark-haired man who was on the opposite side of the cabin grabbing something from a shelf. “We’re gonna help you out, okay?” Brian offered his hand to shake and Lazari shyly shook it, manners were ingrained in her. The lanky man patted her hand with his free one when they were done shaking as Tim met up with them, first aid kit in hand.

“Did you get hurt anywhere?” Tim asked softly, squatting down similarly next to Brain. It was at that moment Lazari realized she had gotten scratched. She felt the cold stinging in her arm and looked down to see her sleeve torn and stained red. Tim and Brian watched as she took off her sweater to get a better look at her arm. She was relieved that the t-shirt underneath didn’t get damaged at least. She had worn her favorite outfit for the journey, after all.

“It doesn’t seem to be too bad, just a surface scratch.” Brian noted, suddenly serious. Tim grunted in agreement, switching sides with Brian so he could disinfect the wound and bandage it up.

“This might sting.” Tim noted as he rubbed a disinfectant-drenched cotton ball on her skin. Lazari inhaled a bit suddenly, but that was the extent of her reaction. There was silence as the shorter man bandaged her wound. He was extra careful to not make it too tight on her skinny arm. He was finished swiftly though, and he packed the first aid kit back up to be put back on the shelf.

“Now, can you try to tell us what attacked you?” Brian prodded gently, offering a lopsided smile of reassurance. Lazari hesitated, and he seemed to catch it immediately. “I need you to be as honest as you can. I promise whatever you’re about to say, me and Tim will believe you.” Lazari gulped, but she gave in. She was too tired not to.

“At first I thought it was a person… A really skinny and naked person. But it wasn’t. It was… unnatural… I don’t know how else to describe it, I’m sorry…”

“Hey, you don’t gotta apologize.” Brian hummed. Tim had rejoined them by this time, arms crossed over his broad chest. “We’ve encountered that guy plenty of times. We know exactly what you’re talking about. I’m just glad Smile was there to save you.” Lazari looked to Smile, who had been sitting next to her this whole time. He was as tall as her now that she was sitting. She nodded, also glad that she didn’t have to be met with such a terrible fate.

“What were you doing in these woods at sundown?” Tim suddenly asked, sounding a bit like he was scolding her. Lazari bowed her head, now realizing how stupid this whole plan of hers really was.

“I was looking for my father.” She stated, voice small. The cabin stilled, both Brian and Tim suddenly confused. Lazari continued. “S-See, my mom died giving birth to me and my dad was nowhere to be found. I’ve been going from foster home to foster home and I just wanted to at least try and find my dad. I just wanna go home…” A home that she had never known, Lazari realized as she spoke. “My only clue was this stupid picture!” The young girl presented them with the Polaroid picture from her pocket. Tim took a hold of it and looked down, Brian standing to get a peek as well. Lazari’s eyes were downcast, she couldn’t see their faces turn pale as they gazed upon the image. There was a bout of silence before Tim spoke again.

“I see…” These simple words were filled with trepidation. Brian had grown quieter than ever. The two men exchanged a look, as if reading each other’s minds, exchanging sentences with no words spoken. “We know a guy who might have answers.” The shorter man finally said. Lazari’s eyes widened and she looked back up at them.

“Really!?” She nearly shouted. Tim nodded, but his face looked grim.

“Now listen, kid…” He handed the picture back to her. “You’ve already witnessed first hand that things in this forest are not… right. And now that you’re here, frankly, things might get complicated. The answers you get might not be ones you want to hear. I’m not expecting you to understand anything I’m saying right now. But I’m telling you that you’re gonna have to be a lot stronger from here on out. Things are… well… it’s just…”

Brian placed a hand on Tim’s shoulder, patting it with comforting pressure. He smiled simply, Tim exhaling and taking a moment to recollect his thoughts.

“We’ll bring you to him in the morning. You’ll stay here for the night, where you’re safe.” Brian informed as Tim walked off to go to the sink. He filled up a glass of water and placed it by the bed Lazari was sitting on. “Try to get some rest, okay, Lazari?”

Lazari nodded slowly, allowing their words to sink into her brain. It seemed things were more complicated than she could’ve ever known, but she was in no state to inquire about what they meant or who she was about to meet. The young teen kicked off her shoes and curled up on the mattress. She felt Brian pull the flannel covers up and over her, effectively tucking her in. Smile climbed the short distance from the floor to the bed and huddled up against her legs. Lazari couldn’t pinpoint exactly why, but she felt that this must be close to what home feels like, and the warmth of this lonely cabin lulled her to sleep.

[adelliet]

JOEL MILLER X F!READER

Birthday gift

Summary: It's your birthday today and you have a family reunion, where is of course, invited your boyfriend Joel, who wanted to give you the biggest gift from they all.

Warnings: 18+, teasing, unprotected sex piv, little public sex ig?, rough

A/N: I am sorry of there are maybe some mistakes, my first language isn't english! Sending love <3

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You sat cultured at a large rectangular table where your family sat around you. Everyone was here, your parents, your grandparents, your cousins, aunts, uncles, sisters, brothers...everyone.

You were glad that everyone could find time to celebrate your 25th birthday together like this. You don't even remember the last time you celebrated someone's birthday like this, so you really appreciated it and after all, you only turn 25 once.

So far everything has gone smoothly. Everyone was laughing and telling each other their life stories about what they experienced when you were not together. The only thing you were worried about was Joel, who was sitting right across the long table from you, and he hadn't stopped staring at you ever since you brought everyone's food to the table.

His look clearly indicated that he was up to something, that he wanted something. But you tried to ignore your boyfriend and focus on the moment you had together now. You see Joel quite often, after all, he is your neighbor and since you are also partners, it is clear that you meet often, so of course you appreciate his presence at your celebration, but after all, you prefer your family in this situation.

Whenever your eyes landed on Joel, he had that mischievous smirk on him that always meant something fishy. You've learned that this often means that he imagines you doing unchristian things with Joel. But you tried to clearly indicate to him with your eyes that this is a family gathering and now is really not a good time for it. You had no idea if he couldn't get it from your looks, or if he's just a guy and didn't get it either, but still, the smirk still remained on his face, and it didn't go away, like it was tattooed.

"And honey, how are you two doing anyway?" suddenly your mom asked you and all heads turned towards your face causing you to feel slightly anxious. Joel always knew what to do at events like this, so he shifted all the attention everyone was giving you now to himself. "We're doing great! We even have our six month anniversary next week" Joel saved you and everyone started whispering about Joel right away, but he didn't mind, instead he was happy to help you. Joel has no idea how lucky you are to have him.

“Okay I have some other food in the kitchen, so I am just gonna bring it” you cut off the chatter and got up from the table to go to the kitchen. As you walked past Joel, you suddenly heard "I'm going to help her". You smiled a little at the fact that Joel was going with you to the kitchen alone, but you still kept an eye on discipline and how nerve-wracking it would be to have a cojitus right next door in front of your family.

When you walked in, you started taking the bowles out of the drawers, which were too high even for you. You went all the way up on your tiptoes to reach them when a boy's muscular hand handed you that one chosen bowl, very carefully and slowly. "Little struggling with that huh?" he said provocatively and you hit him gently on the shoulder as you took the bowl from him. "Shut up!" you laughed and placed the bowl on the table, right next to the cookies. You were about to open the package when you felt an unexpected movement behind you. Suddenly, there were two massive hands on your hips that traveled up to your stomach and back to your hips. Joel was standing right behind you placing soft kisses on your neck which made you giggle a bit because it tickled.

At first you thought it was just innocent touching when you started to feel a dangerous pressure in what looked like a lump in your ass. On top of that, Joel's touches were starting to slowly lose control, so you decided to calm Joel down. "Stop it” you said but not angry or aggressive, just in a warning tone so that he would really stop.

But Joel didn't listen to your words, he didn't react to them in any way and continued what he was doing, even more strongly. The bulge in your ass began to grow, and Joel's touches moved downwards under your pants. At that moment, you had to do much more than just words.

You moved his hands away from your body and turned around so you were facing Joel. You were small compared to him, after all he was almost 20 centimeters taller, but that never stopped you from going after Joel. "Joel! My whole family is sitting over there and-" you wanted to continue, but your gaze narrowed at Joel's already rather erect cock, which was directly trapped in his pants and wanted to be free so badly.

Staring at the huge bulge in his pants for a moment, you swallowed and looked back up at Joel, who had his smirk back on. "No Joel! Not now" "Come on" he tried to convince you and placed his arms on your hips again, while gently stroking your neck.

You tried to dodge his mouth, but he still held you and you had no room to dodge anymore. "Joel, later okay?" So you tried to be kind and tactful to him, so that after everyone leaves he can do whatever he wants with you. But Joel is stubborn. "Give me a few minutes, please" he said persuasively as he subtly began to suck your neck creating purple spots. "A few minutes? Joel that's-" "5 minutes" he cut you off, alpha male energy emanating from him. He confidently said this number, which not only interested and surprised you, but also made you laugh a little. "You would bring us both to orgasm in 5 minutes?" you asked in disbelief and when Joel heard your ironic voice he stopped sucking on your neck and pulled away from him so he could look you in the eye.

“What? You don't believe me?” he asked you with a smile and his hands ended up on your back, specifically your juicy ass, which Joel just had to squeeze. You jumped a little at this unexpected move, but you still tried to answer his question. "No and I don't even want to find out" you retorted and wanted to turn back to the table so you could finally pour the chocolate chip cookies into the bowl.

But Joel didn't let you go, he held you tightly by your hips so that you couldn't go anywhere and you had to stand in one place and look at Joel, who was throwing his hungry face at you. "Bet?" he said in such a sexy and rough voice that you would have gone after him long ago, but you're not alone and you don't want to risk your family catching you fucking your boyfriend a few steps away on your birthday. You can save that for the evening, as a conclusion.

“Joel, just try to hold it okay?” “I can't look what you do to me” he said, still looking at you but you know what was he talking about. He was talking about that huge bulge in his pants that was really trying to come out and fuck you hard right on the table behind you. Joel didn't care that your family was right behind you, that everyone was there and you'd sink to the floor in shame if you got caught, no, he didn't give a single shit.

“It's not my fault” you tried to defend yourself and resist his accusation that his now standing with a hard cock was your fault. You wouldn't say if you were somehow provoking him, or teasing him, but you were just breathing. You weren't even wearing any revealing clothes.

"Actually, it is, if you weren't so fucking beautiful..." he said the last words to your neck, which he bit and sucked again, but no longer gently, but very aggressively and passionately. You had to sigh at his biting the sensitive spot on your neck, but you tried to be quiet so as not to attract attention.

“Joel, let’s leave it for the evening-” “Give me 5 minutes, I swear” he mumbled into your ear and returned to your neck, this time from the other side where you still didn’t have the purple pacifiers, which Joel had to correct immediately. His kissing on your neck made you hot and excited, you stopped noticing your surroundings for a moment, how good you felt. You couldn't control yourself and started moaning quietly, making Joel even more turn on.

“Oh fuck, don't do this to me” he groans, as he heard your heave girly breathing, that Joel loved. Whenever he hears you like that he can't help but go after you whether you like it or not and he did that now. He grabbed your rear thighs and lifted you up so that your hips were level with his. You automatically wrapped your legs around Joel, and all your thoughts and good conscience about leaving naughty things for the evening suddenly dissolved and you, you don't even know how, glued your lips to his.

You stopped kissing Joel for a moment, leaning a little back from his face. “You said 5 minutes?” you assured yourself with a devilish smirk on your face. Joel immediately nodded in agreement. “Okay…” you whispered to yourself, setting the timer on your watch. As soon as you set them, Joel came after you like a wild animal again. Now it remains to be seen whether he can do it or not.

There was no going back now. Both of you were glued together not only by lips but also by body, Joel held your thighs tightly and quickly walked to the kitchen counter which was at least more covered from the room where everyone was sitting.

As soon as he put you on the line, Joel started taking off his pants and you helped him. You didn't even blink and Joel's hard cock was already in the air, twitching with anticipation. As soon as he had his flesh out, Joel slid his massive hand under your dress where he grabbed your red sexy panties and pulled them down to your ankles with a sharp movement. But during all these movements, you never once stopped the passionate kisses.

Even though your naturals were practically completely bare now, you were still waiting, or rather, Joel was waiting. But he couldn't hold it for too long, so he took you by the hips with both hands and pulled you in such a way that he had a good passage inside and at the same time so that you wouldn't fall. Meanwhile, you had one arm wrapped around Joel's muscular neck and the other leaning against the kitchen counter from behind to keep you from toppling over.

Joel stopped kissing you and looked down at your legs and his bare cock. Both of you breathed excitedly and roughly, tensely waiting to finally be inside each other. Joel tried to coordinate himself so that he could finally enter you while you tried to help him by opening your legs more. Joel grabbed his cock and gently slid it into your entrance, causing a gasp not only from you but also from him. You were so tight. You wrapped Joel's cock right up and he fucking loved it.

You started quietly moaning his name, as he started thrust into you with his huge dick, making you throwing your head back. Your whole body were bouncing to the rhytm of Joel's thrusting, whichc started getting faster every second. You both were groaning and moaning, but you cannot control your voice anymore, as you were focused on Joel inside of you.

You started moaning louder but luckily Joel covered your mouth so no one could hear you but him. He didn't look at your face, but only at your body, at your breasts trapped in your clothes, at your legs that rippled like the sea every time his pelvis touched yours.

His breath was warm and strong, you could feel it through your clothes to your cold chest. The wet and juicy sounds were getting louder, but you couldn't control either. Your vagina was filling with juice, and Joel's cock was starting to lose its hold. Every time Joel gets damn close, he starts doing incredible and unimaginable things with his hips. He stops controlling them and lets them do whatever they want, do whatever it takes to get into you. He didn't even pull his dick completely out of you, just a few inches at a time. You felt yourself getting damn close, the sensation of releasing liquid onto Joel's cock was starting to rise, your legs stiffened and your toes curled.

"Do you want to help there?" suddenly you heard your mom yelling at you and you curiously looked into the kitchen but you were perfectly hidden. You wanted to answer, but you couldn't because the feeling of pleasure and orgasm kept fast approaching. "N-no!" you finally yelled, very jerky. You could feel Joel's sneer as you answered your mom.

"Joel I-" "I know baby" he whispered in pleassure, his voice low and deep like a husky. He started feeling his cock twitching and his veins popping, as his precum started getting out of his tip. You both knew that you're not far from your orgasm.

Few more thrusts and you sighed loudly and very softly as a warm feeling enveloped you and you finally relaxed your entire body, including your walls that were wrapped tightly around Joel's cock the whole time. Joel moaned loudly too, right after you as his cock stopped moving inside you so he could squirt his cum into you. Joel's cum and your juice mixed together like some new potion.

You panted heavily trying to catch your breath. Your heart pounded continuously and the blood in your veins began to rush through your body. Both your and Joel's chests moved up and down rapidly to finally get enough oxygen into your lungs. Suddenly, you heard a beeping from your phone, that Which clearly indicated that 5 minutes had passed. Joel laughed proudly when he heard the alarm clock, it gave him confidence and proved to you that he really can do anything. "See?" he said haughtily and you stared at Joel's face in disbelief. He was right, he even made it before 5 minutes. He is incredible. Literal god of sex

"Are you sure you don't want to help?" you heard your mom again which made you laugh a little as she asked again. "Yes mom, don't worry" you reassured your mother again, this time in a normal tone. It wasn't long before you were both breathing calmly. Joel therefore slowly pulled his cock out of you, making both of you groan a little, and then he put on his pants and handed you your panties from the ground that had fallen off your ankle during sex. You thanked Joel with a smile and jumped off the kitchen counter to put on your panties.

“Don't underestimate me like that next time” he added when he has finally his pants on. He took the bowl of cookies to your family and left you there with a provocative smile on his face. You shake your head and smirked at Joel's confidence.

Well that was the best birthday gift anyone could possibly gave you.

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[date-a-jew-suggestions]

Missouri was my home, and I can’t go back because I’m trans.

Before the rest, I want to clarify: I do not get my hrt through a Missouri healthcare provider. This will not impact my medical transition, and I am so very lucky to not have to worry about that. Many, many transgender people living in Missouri do not have that luxury. However, I am hurt, and I am scared. I was not intending to move back to Missouri, because I am a lot happier where I am now. However, I’m very scared about the precedent that this sets. Missouri is the first state to pass legislation that restricts access to medical transition not only for minors, but for ADULTS. I would be very surprised if this was where their anti trans legislation stopped. Based on how they seem to be leading the charge against transgender rights in this regard, it seems very likely to me that within the next few years, trans peoples rights to public spaces in Missouri will be legally restricted. If this happens, I will not be able to visit about half of my family members.

The rest of this post is me coming to terms with that.

I flew to my home city, St. Louis Missouri for Pesach recently. I was so excited to spend the holiday with my family. Several members of my family were unable to get off work/school on the actual holiday, so I flew home on Easter weekend and we had our Seder on Easter. This is because in the USA, Easter and Christmas are federal holidays that get automatic off days, unlike Jewish holidays. The Seder happened at my grandma’s house and my entire extended family was invited, as is our family tradition. I had a lovely weekend with my family.

While I was visiting, I stayed in my grandparents house. Growing up I spent nearly every weekend there. My grandparents have always done their best to make me feel at home there. I have countless memories at that house of Shabbat with my grandma, playing games with my cousins and sister, climbing the big tree in the backyard, play dates with friends, doing all sorts of arts and crafts projects with my grandma, teaching myself to use a sewing machine on the living room floor, playing d&d in the basement, and big extended family gatherings for every Pesach, Rosh Hashanah, and Yom Kippur every year. It is one of the places that makes me feel the safest out of any place on earth. I would consider it my backup home. And as always, our Passover Seder was amazing.

This trip home coincided with my parents selling the house I lived in until I was 18. This has been in the works for a long time, so it did not come as a surprise to me. Even so, both my grandma and grandpa reassured me repeatedly throughout the weekend that I would always have a home at their house. That I could always come back, to visit or stay as long as I need. That this place would always be my home.

One of the things I did while I was staying there was make sure I had copies of all of the family records that my grandma had saved. Things like family trees, Ellis Island immigration records, death certificates, writings of long deceased relatives. I want to preserve as much of our family history as I can, because too much Jewish history has been destroyed by those who hate us. I already knew that my family has lived in the same city in Missouri practically since they immigrated, I think it’s something like 4 generations. Looking through these documents and reading things the previous generation of my family has written was fascinating and deeply moving to me. It cemented in my mind the fact that my family history is completely intertwined with the St. Louis Jewish community.

And of course, the synagogue I belonged to growing up is in Missouri. Where I spent the high holy days, where I was bat mitzvah’d, where I went to hebrew school every week. My Hebrew school teachers. My rabbis. I’ll be visiting it soon for my cousins Bat Mitzvah, and I’m hoping I might get a chance the day after to sit and talk with my rabbis. I feel like I need to say goodbye to them.

I can’t go back to any of these things. It has taken me a long time to write this post because this is so painful for me. I love my family so very dearly, and I have a big family. My cousins were like extra siblings to me growing up, I’m close with all of my second cousins and their partners and kids, my aunts and uncles, my great aunts and uncles, and my great grandparents when they were alive. I don’t go back to St Louis for the city, I go back for them. My grandparents have lived in St. Louis for their entire lives, and they aren’t going to move. Nor do I want them to have to, they’re so happy there. They have carved out a very comfortable and safe place for their family and friends. It’s just not a place I will be welcomed in for much longer, and that is out of our control. They will travel to visit me once in a while, but I know that me not being able to visit Missouri would drastically cut down on the time I can spend with them. And realistically, they are getting old. I don’t know how much longer cross country travel will be safe and feasible for them.

My family took a long time to get on board with my transition, largely because they were lied to by politicians and mental health “professionals” who were unqualified to treat transgender patients. I don’t want to spend too much time talking about that. To me what matters is that they unconditionally support me as a trans man now, and even though they were misinformed and said and did things that hurt me, they have always loved me. And they have made an incredible and effective effort to not only apologize for the harm they caused, but to change the way they treated me in order to express that love. My grandpa, previously the most old fashioned, socially conservative, and transphobic member of my family, will now call me to say things like “the other day this meshuggenah tried to tell me trans people are dangerous, I told him my grandson is transgender and to shut the fuck up. You shoulda seen the look on his face.” My grandma and mom both flew across the country with me to help me prepare for and recover from my top surgery. I could not have asked for better people to care for me post op.

Despite how supportive they are now, it’s only fairly recently that I’ve repaired my relationship with my family enough to enjoy spending long periods of time with them. It is still hard for me to talk to certain family members because I am trans. But the last few trips home have been the first times in a long time I have had a wonderful time with my family, which is something I missed and needed for so long.

I think that is going to be taken away again very soon. And it’s being pushed by the very same people who lied to my family and drove a wedge between us in the first place. This time it is out of our control.

To say I’m heartbroken would be an understatement. It’s hard for me to even conceptualize the concept that my ability to see my family is being slowly taken from me by the Christian zealots in our government. It feels like just now that I’ve been fully accepted and embraced, I’m being forced out again. And once again, it is under the guise of protecting people like me. They expect me to believe that this is for my own good. That all of the bullying and abuse and dysphoria I was forced to endure for my entire childhood was for my own good, because g-d forbid I be transgender and happy.

I had to move across the country to escape unsafe living conditions caused by white Anglo Saxon Christians, and now I’m uncertain of my ability to visit the family members I left behind. Ironically, this is a very Jewish experience. I imagine this is a much smaller version of the pain my ancestors felt when they immigrated to America and left their family behind in Russia and Poland. In a way, this experience connects me to my Jewish heritage in a profoundly painful way.

This was a long and rambly post. I’m just hurting a lot right now, and I needed to talk. Thank you to anyone who read this far.

[evanoxvt]

The struggles of disabled people without support at home.

I've been away from home for over a week. I have next to no expectations put on me here, but I still have my weekly physical therapy and both myself and Town Crier to take care of.

TC eats 3x a day and obviously, I need food too. My grandparents are cooking about one meal a day at a nearly consistent time, so I'm eating at least once a day consistently. At home, I was lucky if I ate a single meal a day.

I (sometimes) help with setting the table, which consists of paperplates, paper napkins, silverware, and glass cups. Since both me and my cousin help with this, I'm usually not doing any heavy lifting at all.

I spend part of the day downstairs and 'randomly' will go upstairs to lay down for awhile. Usually, after my mid day break upstairs, I bring my laptop downstairs and play some games until dinner and end there or resume playing until the end of the night.

No one critiques my daily routine. No one asks me to do more than I can. Everyone appreciates when I help out.

I was having trouble walking and standing yesterday because I did far too much the day prior, but because I spent the entire day resting I was able to contribute to cooking dinner and I cooked the pasta roni (~10 mins of intermittent standing required). I was able to play games and rest afterward without being yelled at for not doing more, and was even thanked for helping cook a portion of the dinner.

I have a funny sad thing to say about this: Somehow by being asked to do nothing, I've found I can do so much more than when I'm asked to do a tiny bit.

The shittiest part of this story, as random small bits put together as it is, is that I am more disabled when I'm asked to be functional, and less disabled when I can go at my own pace or back out if need be. At home I get asked to do things like empty the dishwasher (which is tons of light to heavy objects, Ina short period of time), vacuum (which is alot of heat, standing, walking, arm movement, a eight on my arm, back movement and back bending, navigation, balance, etc), cleaning things like the bathroom (which required detailed work for some parts plus moving all the things needed so they don't get in the way or touch the chemicals). I could go on and on and on but the point will get muddled if I write the entire list and every problem on every "basic chore" because the truth is that I need alot of breaks, a long period of time, and the option to back out of all of these things to be successful at it without seriously hurting myself. If I do too much today, it will affect me for multiple days. If I do too much for an entire week it will affect me for a month or more, etc. I sometimes feel really good like I did on Friday and accidentally over do it and need to be able to back down from most things for a period of time afterwards.

I normally can't make a box of pasta roni AND move anything heavy (like my laptop) on the same day at home because I'm always expected and forced to do so much more. I usually can't make cookies on days like today where I need to spend multiple hours at a time lying down in between short bursts of sitting or activity, but today I could because there's nothing else I have to do so spending potentially all of my energy is okay. Resting afterwards is okay. No one is upset because less than an hour after making cookies I had to lay down and still am. NO ONE said it's not okay. However if I go home cookies are a luxury therefore the logic goes that "if you can bake some cookies, you can do some dishes too". At home I wouldn't be able to make the cookies because it opens up the idea I'm able to do a ton of chores. I'm not okay right now, that's why I'm resting.

I feel like I'm ranting in circles at this point... but honestly I don't get why most people will see me do one "simple" (for them) thing and assume I'm okay to do things even they don't want to do because it takes up alot of energy... I really don't get it. My health sucks, it goes up and down all day long, all week long, and yet people want to pretend I'm making it up if I can do literally a single thing normal people can...

I hope my fellow disabled friends and people I haven't met yet find themselves in better social situations than me because this isn't okay in any way.

[twitterpated-passion]

Save a Horse | Monster Boyfriend

You took a deep breath, looking at the old townhouse that loomed over you.

The baby blue paint was peeling and the porch looked like it hadn't been used for years, but you knew otherwise. Glancing over at the pair of rocking chairs on the left corner of the porch, you let the breath you just pulled in leave you, tears pricking at your eyes.

It was your grandparents' old house. It sat right on the edge of a small town, right beside a farm and as old as it looked on the outside, you knew they took more than perfect care of it on the inside. You always wondered how it'd look with a fresh coat of paint...guess you can figure it out now that they've left it to you.

Turning your head to look at your car, then to the trailer you rented to bring over the larger stuff and boxes your car couldn't fit, you looked back to house and pulled the house key out of your pocket. You had a long day ahead of you, and it was already noon, so if you wanted to get the trailer back to the moving place you rented it from, you were going to have to get a move on.

You unlocked the door and swung the door open, hearing the familiar loud creak of it as it did.

But right as you were about to turn around, you heard someone pull into your new driveway, forcing you to turn around quickly just to be met with an older truck, a country-rock mix pouring out of the open windows. You squinted your eyes, trying to see who's in the truck before it shuts off and the door opened.

A wolf with dark brown fur stepped out of the truck, donning a light green flannel and a pair of faded jeans with the cliché cowboy boots pulling the look together. He tilted his head at you, smiling over as he finally talked, "Well I'll be damned, it's true."

"What?" You couldn't help but ask, quickly adding onto it by asking him something else, "Who are you?"

His smile falters and you took a step closer to him. There was something familiar about him, you could admit, but you've practically seen everyone in town because of your summers with your grandparents. "I know it's been a few years, but ya can't say ya don't remember me."

The southern drawl made you feel a little more at home, but you only shook your head with a sorry shrug. Walking over to him, you catch a glimpse of his eyes, a warm golden brown, mixing with his fur well.

You squinted again, pulling your bottom lip between your teeth as you dragged your eyes up and down his form. Then it hit you, the only dark brown wolf you could know in this town.

"Shit- Jayce?" You met his eyes again and he grinned down at you, flashing his canines before he nudged your arm with a loose fist, letting you catch a glimpse of his tail swaying happily.

"There ya go, told ya you couldn't say it."

"Yea well, it's not like you haven't changed," you joked, nudging his arm back. "You used to be my height the last time I saw you. Now you're a giant. How tall are you now? Seven foot? Seven and a half?"

"Eight foot, Bugs." You couldn't help but smile as you rolled your eyes, pushing his arm firmly at the name.

"I told you not to call me that."

"And you continued to call me Bub, so I can call you Bugs." There was a beat of silence before the two of you started to chuckle, his large hands swooping you up to hug you. You grabbed onto his flannel, letting out a noise when he squeezed you. "'M sorry to hear bout what happened with your gram and gramps. They were lovely folks."

"I know," you said, glancing up at him. "...Just their time. 'S that why you're here?"

"Nah," he started, shaking his head. "Heard you were back in town. Wanted to see for myself. Help you with unpacking if you were."

"Well, I'm here. And...I could honestly do with a little help, at least with bringing in everything. I have to bring back the trailer by the time the moving place closes or else I'm paying again." He pulled away from you and nodded.

"Right, well, you're lucky I'm here then."

"Am I?" He nodded again, looking smug as he watched you move over to the trailer and open the two doors, showing him what all you have whenever you stepped away.

"Now, that ain't too much. I could do all that myself. But I'm shocked you didn't bring anything else."

"It's an hour trip from the city both ways. I didn't wanna bring much. Besides...all I really needed was a mattress replacement for the master bedroom. All the other furniture is fine." He cocked his head to the side again before glancing back at the stuff.

"Ya didn't have much, didcha?" You tensed, smile faltering before you shook your head, hearing a small chuckle leave him. "Had a feelin', you've said somethin' about hating the furniture."

"You remember that?"

"'Course I do," he said. "I hated it too."

Rolling your eyes again, you reached in to grab a box, dragging it to the edge before yanking it out and into your arms. "And I don't hate all of the furniture...just most of it."

Jayce chuckled again before shaking his head and motioning towards the front door as he started walking over to the trailer. You moved out of the way, walking over towards the porch as you stepped up the stairs and walked into the house.

It was just like you remembered it, just dustier. Which made sense, it's been almost a year since your grandparents passed. The deed just took forever to finalize. Setting the box in the little space beside the steps, you turned to go out and grab another, only to move out the way when Jayce came in with two boxes, his body dipping down as he went through the doorway. "I remember that doorway bein' a lot taller."

"It's been five years, Jayce. You've been through some pretty intense growth spurts." He set the boxes beside the one your brought in and rolled his shoulders. "What're you doing now a' days though? I remember you helping your dad out around here, but...time changes things."

"I'm a farm hand now," he said, head turning towards one of the windows, his hand lifting to point over towards the field that neighbored your house. "I have a little deal with the owner, they're gettin' older and they can't handle the farm too much anymore. In ten years time, the farm should be mine."

You did the quick math in your head, remembering that he was three years older than you. "At thirty-five you'll need a farm hand then."

He shrugged, meeting your eyes again as his smile grew. "I'll figure it out then. I still have time."

You nodded and the two of you walked out together, you leading him back to the trailer. "How about you? Heard ya got your degree early."

"From who?" You glanced over at him after you grabbed another box. "My grandparents moved out of this place right months before they...well you know what I'm aiming at."

"Your parents keep in touch with me, Bugs." He nudged you gently. "Wish you would've."

Your expression fell and guilt started to bubble inside of your chest. You averted your gaze. "We didn't talk outside of those summers, Jayce, I assumed you wouldn't want to."

You heard him scoff, his finger tapping your cheek to get your eyes back on him. "I wanted to talk to you whenever I could. Still do."

Something inside of you fluttered and you resisted the urge to lean into the touch, even if it was just his finger. "Well...I'm back, so, we don't have to worry about staying in touch anymore. Five years is a lot to tackle though, think you got the time, Mr. Farm hand?"

"I got all the time in the world for you, Bugs. Promise." You smiled widely at that, shaking your head as he moved his hand to grab at one of your bedside tables that you really didn't want to give up whenever you moved from your studio apartment. "You have any work lined up, or...?"

"Gonna send an anthology to my editor then design the cover and all that fun shit." He chuckled at the dramatic sigh you let out before you started to walk back to the house, hearing his footsteps behind you after a moment.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

With a heavy sigh, you placed your hands on your hips, looking at all you unpacked and organized after getting the trailer back to the place you rented it from. It wasn’t much, and there were quite a few boxes still surrounding you, but you got your desk set up and ready for you to start working again and your mattress was on the bed frame and covered in your numerous blankets and unnecessary amount of throw pillows, so you considered it a good day's work, even if you still needed to get your clothes in the closet.

You pushed that thought to the back of your mind however, your lack of eating catching up to you when you hear something along the lines of a roar leave your stomach. It forced you to make a quick decision to either go to the store or go to a restaurant. You chose the restaurant.

When you got in your car and pulled out onto the road, you started to drive into town, seeing the houses and stores that lived here for the third time today, though a smile still made its way on your face at the fact that nothing changed since you left. Your smile got even wider when you got to the place you were looking forward to the first drive there.

You pulled into the parking lot, parking in the first spot you saw before noticing that the old neon lights still barely worked, shining just enough for someone to notice the difference than when it's off. Stepping out and locking your car, you made your way inside to the dive bar - diner mix.

Classic rock music filled your ears and you breathed in the smell of cheap beer and nostalgia. The corners of your mouth lifted a bit more when you walked further into the place.

You froze when you heard someone calling your name suddenly, turning your head before you broke out into a grin, your feet practically running to the bar as you almost threw yourself over it to hug the older man behind it. “Marky! Gods- I’ve missed you!”

He chuckled, wrapping a thick arm around you before patting you on the back once and letting you let go. “I missed ya too. How long has it been since ya left?”

“Too long,” you answered, voice soft, yet fortunately loud enough to be heard over the music and talking. You looked at the Half Orc, noticing that one of his tusks were gone, your brows furrowing at the sight. “Your tusk-”

“Was wondering when you’d notice it. Lost it trying to break up a fight,” Marcus answered. “No big deal.”

“You lost a damn tooth, Marky! No big deal my ass,” you scolded him, nudging him back with a laugh. He grinned back at you before he nudged you back.

“It’s good to have you back, city slicker.” You rolled your eyes at the name, shaking your head but still keeping your smile on your face.

“Good to be back…” You hopped up on the empty stool in front of you as Marcus tapped a finger against the wooden counter.

“Y’know somethin’? I didn’t even know you were comin’ back until Jayce came in one night as happy as can be, sayin’ your parents told him that you got Konnie and Martin’s house in the will, Gods rest their souls.” You nodded along, your attention being thrown away from Marcus when you heard the loud thump of a glass right beside you, then your eyes saw Jayce. Speak of the devil.

“It ain’t good talking about a person behind their back, y’know, Marcus?” Marcus snorted before snatching the empty glass from Jayce, moving to get him another drink. “Don’t listen to anything he says, swear the man’s gon’ loony.”

“So you weren’t happy I was coming back?” You asked teasingly, leaning to the side to elbow his arm softly. “Gee, I would’ve thought otherwise when we saw each other earlier today.”

You pouted up at him, watching as his eyes widened a little before he glanced away and he elbowed you right back. “You know that’s not what I meant, Bugs.”

“Sure, Bub.” You took a quick glance down, feeling the wind from the sway of his tail, a smile pulling at your lips again. “Coincidence we’d run into each other on the same day.”

He chuckled, looking back at you when Marcus gave him his drink, held up a finger to you before moving to help someone across the bar. “Yea, well, we did hang in this place a lot when we were teenagers.”

“You make that sound like it was fifty years ago,” you said, huffing out a laugh. “I finally put your number on my speed dial.”

“Did you?” Jayce asked, amused by your change in conversation. “The number better be-”

“It’s five, don’t worry,” you reassured him. “Made sure it was.”

“Good.” You laughed again, not really understanding his interest in the number, but accepting it nonetheless, especially when his tail picked up as he tried to hide his smile by taking a drink. His eyes flit over to the single sheet menu before passing it over to you. “Pick something, I’ll buy.”

“You know I can’t let you do that.”

“Ya can, and ya will, Bugs, consider it a welcome back gift or somethin’ like that. Since I know you won’t accept a real one.” Your eyes narrowed at him and all he did in response is take another drink of the cheap beer in his cup.

“Never took you as a beer drinker, Jayce,” you said, knowing you won’t be able to argue your way out of getting him to pay for you. “Thought you were a whiskey on ice kinda guy.”

“Only at home,” he answered. “Can’t afford whiskey all the time. Shit’s expensive when you don’t want garbage.”

“Farm boy’s classy,” you joke, hearing him snort before Marcus came back, tossing his towel on the counter in front of you and Jayce. “Y’hear that Marky? Our Jayce is classy.”

Jayce rolled his eyes as Marcus laughed, rasping his knuckles against the counter. “He gets it from his mom.”

You watched as Jayce’s smile softened at his words, only for Marcus to continue, “He got everything else from his dad. You two are the only hardasses in town I can handle.”

“Yea, well, you and Dad were best friends in high school, you two had to handle each other,” Jayce said. Marcus nodded, motioning towards you.

“If anything, we were damage control for their pops.” You let out a scoff.

“Dad didn’t get into any trouble. He was as innocent as I am.” Both Marcus and Jayce laughed, but it wasn’t long until you joined in. “Yea, I didn’t believe that either.”

After a moment, the mood died down and Marcus slid the menu over to you. “Whadda want?”

“Every time I came here I got the same exact thing, Marky, I’m not changing up on you now.” He shrugged.

“Can’t blame a guy for thinking five years away from this place you’d get some better taste buds.” Your jaw slacked as you looked over at Jayce, then back at Marcus. Your pout was inevitable as Marcus wrote it down before patting you on the arm. “Just fuckin’ with ya, there are people who order worse. Like a certain someone.”

His eyes flashed to Jayce before he moved to the kitchen and hung up the order, calling it out as he did. “How many beers have you had tonight?”

Jayce’s eyes met yours again and you smiled softly at the way the dim light brought out the brown. “This is my second one, promise.”

“How many do you usually order?”

“Three? I usually make my own meals, but old habits die hard, ya know?” You nodded, knowing full well that you did know. “‘M sorry I got upset atcha for not keeping in contact earlier today.”

“Upset? Dude, I deserved way worse than you just saying you wished I was in contact and your puppy dog eyes.” You rested your head on your hand, shrugging with a single shoulder. “You had every right to be upset.”

He didn’t look like he believed you, but he didn’t have to, and you both knew it.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Wiping at your forehead, you take a step back before admiring the new living room, even if it needed a couple new couches before the entire look was complete. You got your tv hung up, the new shelves built and put with the older ones, your internet was finally up and running which meant that you were finally able to start working, which sounded like a cushy break compared to unpacking.

You felt a buzz in your pocket, reaching back to pull out your phone and check it, seeing that the notification was from Jayce, but a photo was attached. You opened up the chat you shared with him and hit the photo, seeing that it was of the two of you when you were teenagers. It was the end of the first summer you spent with him and by the looks of the photos, you could guess that the both of you were on the verge of crying.

You smiled at it before getting out and typing out ‘Gods we were babies’. It wasn’t long before you got a response from him.

‘Eh, I say we handled it like we were emotional teenagers.’ With a snort you shook your head, moving to lean on the doorframe.

‘You were seventeen, Jayce, you were a year from being an adult.’ That one doesn’t get an answer however, it gets him to call you. You respond to it after the first ring. “‘Ello.”

“Seventeen or not, I was an emotional teen.” You let out a cackle, hearing the grumble in his voice. “You weren’t any better when you left for the last time.”

“That’s because I knew I wasn’t going to have any time to come back, Bub,” you said, your voice getting softer. “You can’t tell me you weren’t in tears either. Twenty years old or not.”

“If you ask the right people, mainly my dad, they’ll tell you that I locked myself in my apartment for around a week before I could handle it.” You could hear a small sniffle on the other end of the phone before he cleared his throat. “That sounds dramatic when I say it outloud.”

“No no,” you started, “I was the same way. I think it hit me harder because I knew it was going to be my fault we wouldn’t see each other.”

“It wasn’t-”

“But it felt like it was…I went off to college…then I went abroad and I couldn’t even send a goddamn text…” You slid down against the doorframe until you met the floor, a sigh pulling itself from your lips. “Felt like I left you behind.”

“Ya didn’t,” he reassured you. “I would’ve rather you get a degree than waste your time here. Now that you have a degree though…you can waste your entire life here if ya want.”

You smiled again. “...Well…I do have a house now…and I don’t have many ties to the city…I don’t think wasting my life here would be so bad.”

“That’s the spirit, Bugs…” There was a beat of silence. Then Jayce broke it, “...Would ya mind if I came over? Work at the farm is done and I guess I just want to visit.”

“...Yea, yea, come on over, you know I won’t deny that.” You heard him sigh before his truck turned on in the background. “...I’ll see you in a moment?”

“Mhm,” he hummed. “See you in a moment, Bugs.”

With that, you ended the call, knowing he won’t take any offense at the action. You felt nervous knowing that he was coming over, though you just chalked it up to the fact that you were coming down from admitting that you thought it was your fault that you didn’t come back until two weeks ago. You still believed it, but you were willing to put it aside because Jayce didn’t.

He got there a couple minutes after the call ended, and you were still sitting in the doorway of the living room, head turned to look at the front door as he knocked as he walked in, eyes falling to your form on the floor, head tilting curiously. “What’re ya doing on the floor, Bugs?”

“...Just sitting?” You said, glancing down at yourself before looking back up at him, your hand finding the hardwood as you pat the space next to you. “Sit on the floor, Bub.”

He smiled and breathed out a laugh, kicking his dirty boots off by the door before you noticed his hat when he took it off and set it off to the side on the table next to the door. “You have a hat.”

“It gets hot outside,” he said, turning back to you as he walked, moving to sit beside you, forearms uncovered by his flannel as he held them out. “And…well, fur.”

You rested a hand on one of his arms, watching as his eyes darted from you to his arm, your fingers running through the thick, brown fur, ears lifting when you talk, “Being a big puppy dog takes sacrifices, y’know.”

He rolled his eyes, scoffing slightly before allowing it to turn into a chuckle. “Is that all I am to you? A ‘big puppy dog’?”

“What if it is?” You asked, eyes meeting his. “Can’t call you a teddy bear, Jayce.”

Jayce smiled down at you before shaking his head, the thumping of his tail making his happiness obvious. “I suppose not, Bugs.”

You were about to let silence blanket the two of you before he spoke again, “About what we talked about on the phone…do ya really think goin’ off to college made not coming back your fault?”

Your expression fell and without having to nod, his large hands tugged you into his arms. Damn him and his stupid face reading skills. Your hands placed themselves on his chest and you moved your head to look back at his face. “Can you blame me?”

“Yes,” he answered. “It ain’t your fault. Phone works both ways.”

“You’re not gonna start blaming yourself, Jayce,” you said, almost scolding him for what he was implying. “‘M not gonna allow that.”

He tilted his head again and you started to feel a steady beat against your right hand, your fingers digging a little into his flannel. You felt tension wrap around your throat, practically suffocating you as your grip on his shirt got tighter and you forced out a quick, “...Please don’t hate me…”

Earning a confused expression from him, your eyes fluttered shut as you placed your lips on the front of his maw, hearing him pull in a breath before his tail thumped harshly against the floor. You pulled away less than a second later and you felt his hands dig into your shirt this time, his tail not stopping, even when he glanced back at it with an embarrassed look, turning back to you after a moment. “...Now where did that come from?”

“...Remember five years ago?...I said I wanted to give you something but I never did?” He nodded and you only gave him a look for it to click.

“That wasn’t-”

“It was,” you confirmed, cutting him off. “...School and work really makes you busy…”

His ears flatten on his head and he pressed the end of his snout against your cheek. “...’Fraid I can’t say the same, Bugs…”

You knew there was no way, but a pang of jealousy ran through you, wondering who did it instead?...Maybe it was even before you were eighteen. He was twenty when you left…

With a small nod, you attempted to move from his grasp, but he only pulled you closer. “Where’re you goin’? Can’t try to escape when you do something like that.”

“...So I didn’t just fuck our entire friendship up?” Jayce smiled at that before he moved his hands from your back to your arms, rubbing them gently.

“Look, I may not have saved myself or anything like that for ya, but when you left I was in tears for a reason, Bugs.” He gave you another ‘kiss’ on the side of your face. “I just hope ya didn’t think you needed to do that.”

“I didn’t,” you uttered, gaining a softer smile from him in response. “...Part of the reason why I felt so bad about leaving.”

“Well…you’re here now aren't cha?” You nodded. “Past doesn’t matter then. As long as you’re here, and you’re here to stay, I could care less about you leavin’ the first time.”

“You sure?” He nodded that time, smiling down at you.

“Mhm,” Jayce started, readjusting you so you weren’t in an uncomfortable position on the floor before he moved a hand to tug his phone from his pants pocket, “and it’s almost time for supper, think I could take you out?...Somewhere other than Marcus’ bar maybe?"

“…Give me ten minutes to get changed and ready and I’ll say yes.” He grinned at you, letting your arm go as you stood up and raced to the stairwell, hearing him laugh as you pulled in a breath, cheeks flushed, but you were so ready for what the future had in store for you now.

[luci-in-trenchcoats]

A Place To Call Home: After Shocks

Summary: The reader is feeling guilty after doubting her parents after the stunt her birth parents pulled. But with her parents going away to film a new project soon, the only solution may be for her to go with them for some much needed bonding...

Masterlist

Pairing: Jensen x foster daughter!reader

Word Count: 11,100ish

Warnings: language, angst, fluff

A/N: This one takes place directly after Long, Long Time!

________

“Y/N.” You felt TJ behind you, his strong arms wrapping around your waist, holding you close. “What do you need right now?”

You smiled to yourself, closing your eyes. For every bad thing that’d happened in your life, you were still amazed at how lucky you were to have found someone that loved you wholly. He was still the one person that you’d never once doubted cared for you, never struggled with sharing the dark parts of your past. 

There were things you’d only told him even, the details behind vague statements to your parents. Yet he stayed and never complained about what being with a person with scars was like. It’d be so much easier for him to have found a normal girl, so much less for him to worry about.

“I probably would have wound up with a not so nice guy if I’d not gone to my parents when I was a teenager. I would have fallen for the first guy that was nice and sweet just so he could get me in bed or worse. I was so fucking starved for attention and love back then. I was so goddamn lonely.”

He squeezed you tighter, tucking his head down so he could burrow his face in your neck, kissing it softly.

“My dad showed me what to look for in a man. My mom too. They taught me how I was supposed to be treated when I was in a relationship.” You opened your eyes, staring out the back window again. “How did I let those assholes make me afraid of my parents? I hate that I pushed them away, TJ. It’s better now but it’s not. I feel so guilty.”

“It’s only been a few days since things got back to normal. Give it some time. Try therapy with them, bring ‘em to a session.”

“Honey, I know exactly what the therapist would say. I had this same conversation when I was in college. I know it’s because I want people to be angry at me when I make a mistake. It’s what I expect. It’s what my childhood taught me, my time in foster care did.”

“Alright,” he said, kissing the side of my head. “So how’d they say to not feel guilty back then?”

“They suggested I spend time with them so I could understand that my guilt had no basis. That they loved me no matter what and that’s what the whole unconditional thing meant. It’s not bad to get afraid. It’s human and we shouldn’t be ashamed of being afraid.”

“So go spend some time with your parents,” he said.

“I spend too much time with them already,” you said, squeezing your eyes shut as he spun you around in his hold. “Other people our age-”

“I don’t give a fuck about other people our age. Our family lives around the corner and frankly, I hope they always do. I love them. I enjoy their company. Honey, I can promise you that having a close, loving family is a good thing. Allie and Colin? They fucking adore their grandparents. They regularly get to see their aunts and uncle. We have amazing family friends they get to grow up with. Those two kids are never, ever, going to doubt they they are loved and supported. You and I could die tomorrow and I know those two will turn out amazing. I promise you, we will never spend too much time with our family.”

“I worry you think I’m too needy sometimes,” you whispered, meeting his gaze. His face was gentle, short black hair still damp from his shower. “But I’ve never doubted you. I just don’t want to put too much on you. I don’t want to take away time that should be yours.”

“Oh you sweet, silly, adorable, idiot,” he chuckled, tucking your hair behind your ear, letting his finger trail down the side of your throat. “We have forever together. I know how lucky I am to spend as much time as I do with you. My job is flexible and only getting more with time. And you? You’re turning set design into a career now. What couple our age gets to spend so much of our time together? Believe me, I’m greedy to be with you as much as I can be but I am more than happy to share you with our family.”

He cupped your cheek, smiling while he gently stroked over your cheekbone. “Give spending some extra time with them a shot for me. Okay, silly goose?”

“Where did I find you?” you whispered, nuzzling into his chest.

“Orientation. I was the boy awkwardly staring at you for so long you asked if I had heatstroke.” You laughed at the memory of him just blank faced, sweating in the boiling summer heat as you stood with your orientation packet and attempted to find your parents in the crowd. You thought he was from out of state with the way he was dripping and offered him some water while finding him some shade to hide beneath. 

By the time he’d gotten his words back, you’d realized he was there on his own. No family to help him move in, find buildings, buy books. It wasn’t a conscious thought back then but you knew that ache of loneliness. Even people who came from homes with parents could feel like they were by themselves. 

“Lucky for me you took pity on me and instead of thinking I was a creeper, you showed me which line to get my packet from and pointed out where buildings were on maps and all of it. I was in love with you before I even knew your name.”

“Thomas,” you said, cheeks flushing. “Don’t be cute when I was feeling crappy five minutes ago.”

“Ah, but that’s my favorite thing to do,” he teased, kissing the tip of your nose. “Now off you go.”

“To where?” you laughed, TJ walking you over to the front door. 

“To your parents, silly. It’s only nine and we both know they don’t sleep until late. Go hang for a bit, talk to them about being together more. Me and my perky butt will be waiting here for you when you get back.”

“Okay, well that’s just cruel to put that image in my mind and then send me away,” you said as he bent down and slipped a pair of sneakers on your feet. He looked up through his lashes, putting on a sultry smile. “TJ! Stop turning me on!”

“Don’t blame me for you being stunning,” he said, rising to his feet and pecking a kiss to your lips. “Drive over for me.”

“Okay,” you said. “What are you planning on doing in the meantime?”

“Check on the munchkins, play a video game, lay in bed in my birthday suit to greet you when you get back.”

“Just don’t scar the children for life,” you laughed, feeling a gentle pat on your ass. TJ ushered you to go when you nearly dragged him towards the bedroom and finally you were out the door. Two minutes later, you were walking into your parents house, the place pretty dark. JJ was at a graduation party and spending the night there. The twins were up in the family room watching an old movie with the lights off, totally engrossed with it. You figured your parents were on their private balcony and headed for their room.

“Oh fuck!” you shouted when you saw way more of your father than you ever wanted to. You quickly slammed the door and stood outside the room, pacing away as you shook your head. “Nope. Nope. Nope. I didn’t see that. I did not see that.”

The door opened after a moment, your mom slipping out in a pair of joggers and a silky black pajama shirt.

“I am so sorry, honey. I thought dad locked the door,” she said as you kept walking, shaking your head. “Are you okay?”

“Was he giving you a fucking naked lap dance?” you said, a coy smile on her face as she shrugged. “Mom!”

“Oh, you’ve seen his ass before when you watched The Boys,” she said.

“I knew that was going to happen! And I saw a whole lot more than just ass,” you said, shivering your whole body as the twins came down from their movie.

“I remember when I walked in on them,” said your brother, wearing a shit eating grin as you groaned. “Dad’s got a huge-”

“I don’t need a reminder!” you said, your dad clearing his throat as he came out in a pair of sweatpants and gray t-shirt. 

“Things going okay out here?” he asked, forcing a smile.

“Talking about your apparently huge dick,” said Arrow. Your mom couldn’t help but laugh as your dad groaned, the twins starting to giggle. “What? It’s the truth.”

“While I normally appreciate how open we are as a family, I mean this in the nicest way, we are never bringing this topic up again,” said your dad with a sigh. “Go finish your movie and for the love of god never talk about this again.”

Your mom was still laughing, earning a small headlock from him. “It’s your fault you didn’t lock the door!”

“Yes, I know,” he groaned, letting her go and standing in front of you with an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry for scaring you for life, kiddo.”

“It’s fine,” you sighed, crossing your arms. “In terms of traumatizing events, this ranks pretty low for me. Besides, mom told me when I started having sex with TJ about your sex life.”

His head whipped around and she held up her hands. “Hey. She had questions and I answered them.”

“I wouldn’t have told her how big…you know,” he grumbled. 

“I didn’t. I just said above average is nice!”

“As much fun as this conversation is, I’d like to repress this memory if possible so I’m going to let you guys continue with your magic mike moment-”

You heard the twins howl in laughter, your dad storming past you and over towards the stairs.

“You two start high school in the fall and guess what talk we’re having tomorrow?” he said. They both groaned for a moment before you heard noise again, your dad wiping his hand over his face. 

“They both know what sex is,” you said, his eyes wide. “I gave them both the talk like years ago.”

“You did?” they both asked.

“Yeah. I gave it to all of them. It’s a lot easier for big sis to tell you than mom and dad, especially when dad makes talking about sex so freaking awkward,” you said, cocking your head.

“Well, thank you,” he said, nodding once. “And if that’s something you want to discuss, then we can.”

“I’m good. I just enjoy torturing you in return for the trauma I endured tonight,” you said with a smile. Your mom giggled as he pushed you both into the bedroom, closing the door behind himself.

“Well the mood is gone so what’s up?” he asked as you sat very specifically not on the bed and wandered over to the large window out back. You spun on your heels, both of them watching with concerned eyes.

“I…have been feeling guilty about doubting you guys that you’d hurt me like the sperm and egg donor did and…I’d like to try that thing we did when I was younger and spending more time with you guys helped…if that’s cool,” you said, biting your bottom lip. 

“Honey, of course you can hang out with us more often,” said your mom. She wrapped you up in a hug, letting you melt into her. “Dad and I were talking earlier and hoping we could steal some time with you. We missed you.”

“I missed you guys too,” you said, feeling your dad come up behind you and hug you, resting his chin on your shoulder.

“You don’t have anything to feel guilty about,” he whispered, kissing the top of your head. 

“I know I shouldn’t but I know I hurt you both and that’s something I have to deal with.”

“It hurts more knowing how much you hurt yourself for being human, kiddo,” he said.

“I know how scared you were that I’d stop-“

“You didn’t stop loving us,” he said. “You were afraid and sometimes, your kids get scared. It’s that simple.”

You nodded, enjoying being squished between them, a calm feeling settling in your bones. 

“There she is,” he murmured as he felt you relax. “Better?”

“Yeah,” you said. Your mom tugged you over to the bed, your eyebrows raising.

“It’s clean, I promise.” She slid into her side of the bed, tugging you down in the middle as your dad moved in on your other side. “So we could watch a movie, play a game-“

“Guys,” you said. “It’s okay. You had other plans-“

“And now our plans are to spend time with you,” said your dad, throwing his arm over your shoulders, tucking you into his side. You glanced up, frowning at the deep worry in his eyes. “Honey, you never have to ask us to be with you like you’re some kind of bother. Please know that.”

“You know me,” you said, your mom scooting closer, taking one of your hands in hers. “Can I maybe, I know how this is going to sound-“

“Y/N. Ask like we’re your mom and dad, not strangers,” said your mom. 

“I know that too. I’m a little shaky I guess,” you breathed out, both of them holding your closer. “Can we spend more time together, like one on one? Like make a night or something for us like we did when I was younger? That really helped me back then and TJ thinks it’ll help now too.”

“Knew there was a reason I loved that boy,” said your mom. “Of course we can do that.”

You felt your dad stiffen though, your head turning up. He looked sad, pouting almost. 

“You have to go away for a project soon, don’t you,” you said quietly. 

“Oh no,” said your mom, her hand leaving yours, both of them covering her mouth. “We both have to for two weeks starting on Tuesday. Daddy’s gone for over a month.”

“JJ was going to be in charge and we were going to come home on the weekends but-“

“You have work. I understand.” Still, tears prickled in the corner of your eyes. Why’d you have to be so stupid and push them away for the past month? Now they were both going to be gone.

“Come with us.” Your dad turned your cheek to face him, wiping away a stray droplet before it could fall. “We need to be together again for a little bit. Come to the project with us for two weeks and then you can decide to stay with me or go home with mom but either way you got at least one of us.”

“That’s a long time to be away from Allie and Colin,” you said, biting your bottom lip. “But I know TJ can handle it. I need to talk to him first. I can’t make that kind of decision on my own.”

“We understand. Trust me. Dad and I have had a lot of those conversations over the years.” You already knew TJ would tell you to go and have fun. But you’d never spent more than a few days away from the kids. 

“The little one’s will survive. Give ‘em a call and facetime them everyday and it helps. Believe me, nothing beats a hug from them when you’ve been gone for a few weeks,” said your dad. “They’ve dealt with TJ being gone for a week for work before. They’ll be alright if you choose to go.”

“I know they would. It’s me I don’t know about,” you said, closing your eyes. “Let me talk to TJ and I’ll give you guys an answer in the morning.”

“Whatever you want to do. We can always hang out when we get back too,” he said, kissing your temple. “So can I interest you ladies in a game of Mario Kart?”

Three days later you were walking into an upscale cabin you were sharing with your parents, most of the other cabins at the unique little hotel filled with cast and crew for the movie your parents were making. They were producing it and your dad was starring as the main character. You’d done the set design on it nearly a year prior and while you’d forgotten most of the story, you were excited to see one of your sets in person. Plus you hadn’t seen your dad on a film set in more than a few years and knew seeing him act in person was a rare treat.

After you ditched your bags in the spare bedroom, you changed and met up with your parents for a pre-shoot dinner they were hosting at a restaurant in town with the cast and some of the higher ups. While the dinner was fun, you were tired from traveling all the way to Vancouver all day. You ducked outside to give TJ a quick call but were reluctant to go back inside and have to be social again when you were exhausted.

“Hey,” said a woman around your age if you had to guess, her hair silky and tied back in a loose ponytail, a black floral tank top and jeans on. “You’re Y/N, right?”

“Uh yeah,” you said, offering her a smile. “You’re Cara Micks. You’re playing Maddie. My parents were really glad they managed to get you. Everybody wants you in their stuff after that indie film.”

“One little Oscar nom and suddenly I’m not surviving off ramen in an apartment with four roommates,” she laughed, nodding her head. “I uh, I’m really glad I got this role, even if it’s not what my agent wanted me to pick. Working with your dad is like a dream come true. He has such a good reputation. I know this’ll be a good set.”

“I can guarantee it’ll be one of the best you ever work on,” you said as she wiped off her forehead.

“Plus it’s a good story. You did the set design, right?” she asked. You hummed, her eyes lighting up. “I got to sneak down and see some of the set mock ups earlier today. They look really cool. I’d love to know more about how that kind of stuff works. If that’s okay. People seem to think I know a lot about this business when I’ve really only done a few gigs before.”

“Well, I’ve never been on a set I’ve designed before so I’m right there with you but I’d happily answer any questions. I’ll leave the acting stuff to my dad though. I can barely tell you what a mark is,” you said, Cara smiling as she closed her eyes. “You good to drive?”

“Yeah, just tired. I’ll see you tomorrow though. Maybe we can grab lunch?” she asked.

“Sure,” you said, Cara handing over her phone. You exchanged numbers and watched her drive off as your parents walked out of the restaurant, others trailing out. 

“Ready for bed? We got an early day tomorrow,” said your mom. You hummed and closed your eyes, your dad rubbing your back.

“Come on. Sooner we get back soon you can head to sleep.”

“Oh my god! It’s my basement!” you said, hopping up and down when you walked onto set the next morning. 

“And what a lovely torture basement it is, kiddo,” laughed your dad. You walked around the set, poking at the shelves, surprised they actually put the cobblestone walls in. He nudged you when you ran your hands over it, a proud smile on his face. “It does look good. Appreciate the fact you know an old shack would have cobblestone and not cinder blocks.”

“That was the point,” you said, walking around the space, stopping at the chair in the center of the basement. “They even found the same chair!”

“They do tend to make the sets match what’s designed,” he chuckled, following you around set, hands clasped behind his back. “You should do this full-time. Design.”

“I don’t know,” you said with a shrug, watching him take a seat on the wooden steps. You sat down in the chair across from him, resting your chin in your hands. “TJ has great benefits so it’s not like a fear of having to be self-employed or not getting gigs. I could not work and we’d be perfectly fine.”

“If you have a sense of obligation to stay at the brewery-”

“I know I don’t have to,” you said. “The team does all the real work.”

“So what’s keeping you from giving it a shot? I mean,” he said, leaning back on his elbows, kicking his legs out in front of him, “You’ve got more than a few projects under your belt. You have the resume, connections. You can set your own schedule. Granted, yeah, it’s not going to be every single day and there’ll be long days sometime but you’ve already handled that with two small kids and working another job.”

“I know,” you said, his head cocking as he smiled. 

“So…” You closed your eyes and sighed.

“My brewery job you gave me. And somehow people always know I’m your daughter, even when I use Hanover in projects. I just…if I do this full time people are going to assume I got the job because of my dad and I’ll never know if it’s because I’m good at it or if a director wants to work with you. You know?” He nodded, smirking as he glanced down at the concrete floor. “You know it’s true.”

“Nepotism is a thing in this industry for sure. But I also am a product of that through grandpa and people he knew. Nepotism gets you in the door as a guest and it’s right to acknowledge that. Talent gets you invited to stay at the party long after all the wannabe’s head home.”

“But I didn’t earn it like someone off the street,” you said. He sighed, running his hand through his hair.

“Cold hard truth? No one knew who the fuck you were when you submitted that first portfolio for your first project. Nobody. I know that because I worked with the director of that project after and he had zero clue you’re my kid. He recommended you to other projects before I came along so you did earn it. You’re right. You’ll never know for sure but you shouldn’t stop because of it. You don’t always have to start in last place to be worthy of earning first.”

“But nepotism is basically cheating your way to first,” you said.

“Sometimes, yeah. Sometimes, it’s a kid who is talented who got in on her own and won’t give herself a break to do something she clearly loves because she thinks it was a gift. Even if it was a gift, take it. Life threw enough shit at you. Take the nice crap too.”

You pursed your lips, looking around. “You think I’m good at this?”

“Mom and I didn’t approach you to do this project for shits and giggles. We knew you’d do quality work and sure as shit, you did. There are not a lot of sets on this film. Most scenes take place out in the woods so the pieces we do have, they need to be fucking good. And this room doesn’t even have four walls and it’s scary as hell so yeah, I’d say you’re good at this.” He stood up, holding out his hands. “Come on, let’s go check out the rest of the sets.”

“Has anyone seen Cara today?” asked the director, Dave close to lunchtime. You glanced up from where you sat in your dad’s chair, your mom over at the film tent with the other producers.

“She’s still not here?” asked your dad as he walked off set. They’d been filming for a few hours for his scenes at the police station but those were wrapped up, everyone ready to start in the basement once lunch break was over. “That doesn’t seem like her.”

You pulled out your phone and dialed, getting no answer. You tried a few more times and got more of the same. 

“This fucking kid,” grumbled Dave, leaning back in his seat. “Can someone get over to her hotel room and tell her to get her ass on set? I don’t care if she was nominated for a fucking Oscar. She pulls any diva shit and I’ll kick her out.”

“She said she was tired last night,” you said, several heads turning your direction. “When we left dinner. She looked a little ill too, like sweaty.”

“Well if she’s sick she’s supposed to call in. She better be fucking dying for not giving notice,” said Dave. You raised your eyebrow at him, Dave giving it right back. “I’m not being dramatic. It’s in her contract what she’s supposed to do if she’s sick.”

“Maybe so but a little common decency doesn’t hurt. You shouldn’t wish for someone to be ‘fucking dying’ because they’re not at work on time,” you shot back. You could feel the eyes on you, most of the nearby crew watching you. 

To your surprise Dave nodded, his face relaxing. “You’re right. I shouldn’t have said that. Let’s have someone get over to her place and see what’s going on.”

People dispersed for lunch, your parents holding hands as they stopped at the chair and your dad grabbed his phone.

“Sorry I did that,” you said as you stood. They shared a smile, your dad tucking you under his shoulders as you walked out of the studio.

“We’re not,” said your mom, tilting her head up to your dad. “Remember when she used to be scared of men?”

“You wouldn’t know it with that little display,” he said, squeezing your shoulder. “And you think you’re riding off my reputation in this business. Think again, tall munchkin. Things like that are why people want to work with you.”

“I could have done it privately,” you said with a shrug.

“Don’t take shit on a set. We both did,” said your mom. “It’s nice to know you won’t.”

“Well, what’s the worst that’ll happen? I get fired? So what,” you said. 

“We did good,” said your dad, releasing you to high-five your mom. You rolled your eyes and walked ahead, turning around to walk backwards.

“Excuse me but I did good. Y’all were just like…there,” you said, smirking. Both their faces fell and you sighed, stopping in your tracks. “Oh my god, it was a joke! Guys. You two driving me insane as a teenager was incredibly helpful. You definitely did good. Promise.”

“Well,” said your mom with a smile, “It was a team effort.”

“It was,” you said, your dad biting his bottom lip. You spun around and smiled. “It didn’t hurt having a good guy want to be my dad. He set the bar high so I don’t accept shit. I appreciate that.”

You glanced over your shoulder and caught him smiling off to the side, his cheeks a hot pink.

“Dad are you blushing?” you teased. He snapped his attention to you and rolled his eyes, failing to keep his lips from curling up. 

“God no. I don’t blush,” he scoffed. 

“Sure you don’t,” you said, smiling as you headed for the catering tent. “I forgot you’re a super tough manly man.”

“Damn straight I am,” he said. You shook your head and got in line, looking up when you felt him by your side. “You shouldn’t feel guilty.”

“Dad-” you said quietly as you both stepped forward. 

“Your parents hurt us, they hurt you. You didn’t do anything to us. I wouldn’t be strong enough to risk getting hurt by another set of parents let alone believe they love me. I’d be terrified. You’ve always been the strong one in this family, kiddo. You don’t have to say nice things to make me feel better.”

You shook your head, smiling when you looked down. “I don’t say things to you to make you feel better, dad. You or mom. I only say what I believe and genuinely, you made me know what to expect out of men and if they don’t deliver, I’ll let them know about it. I’m not blowing smoke up your ass.”

He smirked, nodding to himself. “You stopped feeling guilty before we even got out here, didn’t you.”

“What can I say? You guys give good pep talks,” you said, feeling your mom hug your waist from behind. “It’s still cool that I came out though right?”

“Don’t ask dumb questions, kiddo,” he chuckled. “Let’s get some lunch and hopefully Cara will be back by then.”

“We have a big problem,” said Dave, stopping by your lunch table about twenty minutes later. Your parents left, leaving the rest of you wondering what was going on. When your lunch break was up, people headed back to their various departments, your dad appearing out of nowhere and giving you a strange look.

“What’s wrong?” you asked.

“Cara has food poisoning it sounds like. The PA that went over found her vomiting. She’s taking her to the hospital to get some fluids in her. Hopefully she’s feeling better later.”

“Oh. Well that’s good,” you said, that strange look still there. “Dad…”

“Technically the scenes we need to film this afternoon are all my coverage. Since Cara’s stunts don’t start until next week, her stunt double and stand in aren’t here yet. But you may have noticed you and Cara share a certain-”

“You want me to fucking double for Cara Micks? Me?” you asked as he smiled.

“You guys are the same height, size. Your hair’s almost the exact same. Literally all you have to do is put on some clothes, sit in a chair with some make up on and make sounds like you’re scared. It’s not going to be hard at all.” You stared at him, his eyes searching yours. “I promise it’s as easy as-”

You crossed your arms and glanced down, kicking at the pavement. “You’re filming the scenes where Ben finds Maddie. Your coverage.”

“Exactly,” he said, voice dropping slightly. “You don’t have to. We can find another woman to I’m sure. I just thought you’re perfect for it already. But you don’t-”

“Dad. It’s not the being a stand in. I don’t mind that,” you said. He cocked his head when you raised yours, sighing deeply. “I’m nervous that…I know that scene. I remember it from the design. Maddie is tied up in a chair in a basement. And I know it’s a film set and it’s safe but…”

You shrugged, smiling wearily.

“House six,” you whispered, his head nodding. “I’m just-”

“I never should have asked,” he said softly. “I’m sorry.” 

“Dad, no,” you said, grabbing his arm before he could go. You tugged him away between some trailers, letting go when you ran your hand through your hair. 

“Tall munchkin, there is no way I would make you do that. I am so sorry I-”

“Stop. Please.” He snapped his lips shut. After a beat you leaned back against a trailer wall, breathing slowly. “Ben’s a cop. House six, that prick was a cop. I need…I don’t know the script that much, only the early parts, if at all. Tell me Ben’s a good guy.”

“He has his rough spots but by the end of the movie, Ben and Maddie are basically father and daughter. It’s a big step for her considering her own father is the one that had her kidnapped and then tried to kill her.” You pursed your lips, his eyes scanning the clouds overhead. “This is going to sound corny as hell but just listen to me for a minute.”

“Okay,” you said as he met your gaze.

“You’re a grown woman. I recognize that and respect it. You can make your own choices, own mistakes, successes. You have a husband and children and I know when you’re in trouble, I’m not the first person you turn to anymore. That’s okay. It’s normal.” He shoved his hands in his pockets and smirked. “But you’re still my little girl. I will always do my best to protect you or I’ll go down swinging in the process. You don’t have to worry about if the character I’m playing is good or bad. I’m your dad. Behind every character is me. And you know me and what I’d do for you.”

You looked away, nodding a few times.

“You don’t have to do this. At all. But understand that I would not allow anything to happen to you if I didn’t believe it was safe. I’ll let you get some bumps and scrapes along the way cause that’s life. But no more scars. Because I told you that night on the road my job is to protect you, that I’ll never hurt you. You know that deep down but you need to hear it out loud sometimes because you get scared.”

You felt him step closer and forced yourself to face him. “What?”

“I will never let anything like what happened in that house happen to you again. Understand?” 

“Okay.”

“Okay,” he smiled, giving you a hug. “Why don’t you go hang out in my trailer for a bit? It’s going to take a little bit to find someone and start filming again.”

“Well,” you said, his eyebrow raising, “You or mom will be nearby the whole time right?”

“Absolutely,” he said. You shrugged and nodded. “You change your mind?”

“I can do it,” you said. “You sure you can?”

“Me?” he laughed. “What do you mean?”

“You gonna be cool with seeing me with fake blood and stuff?” He cocked his head and smirked. 

“Fake blood I can handle,” he said, your mom stopping by the end of the trailer. “She says she good with it.”

“Oh thank you,” she sighed, quickly grabbing your hand and dragging you behind her. “Jensen, you need to change while I get her ready.”

“See you on set, kiddo.”

“Thank you everyone,” called Dave at the end of the day. You stretched out as you stood up from the chair, your dad rubbing your shoulders that had a small ache to them. “That’s a wrap for the day.”

“How you feeling?” asked your dad, massaging the muscles with my force, the ache soothing away.

“That helps,” you said, Dave coming over to you. 

“I really do appreciate you filling in for us today, Y/N,” he said. 

“It’s no problem. I didn’t have to do much,” you said.

“Well thanks anyways, and for calling me out earlier. I want this to be a fun set.”

“I think I figured that out when dad started carrying me out of the scene upside down,” you laughed, your dad chuckling. “How’s Cara feeling?”

Dave shared a look with your dad, his hands falling away from you. “She still at the hospital?”

“Appendicitis. It fucking popped this afternoon.”

“Shit,” said your dad. “That’s bad.”

“She was being prepped for surgery when it happened, which was good, I guess. They were able to go in fast and clean her up. I was going to drop by in a bit and check up on her.”

“Dee and I’ll go too. Her parents know?”

“On the way but Florida’s pretty far. They won’t be here until around midnight. I’ll see you guys there,” he said when he got pulled away by another producer.

“Can I go?” you asked. 

“Sure. Let’s stop by hair and makeup so they can clean you up first.”

The Next Morning

“What do you think they’re going to do?” said the key grip as everyone ate breakfast together. Cara was doing better but she was on strong antibiotics so she didn’t get an infection and her surgery had been more invasive than if her appendix hadn’t burst. All in all, it meant she was on bed rest for a few weeks and looking at a full month before she was going to be cleared for work.

Which wouldn’t have been a big problem if your dad didn’t have a project lined up for six weeks from now. 

“There’s no way we can finish on time unless they got in a backfill today,” said Molly, your dad’s PA, slurping down a bowl of oatmeal. “Jensen has two different films he’s supposed to be in once we wrap and they’re big studio ones. No way he’d drop those to finish this late with Cara.”

“Couldn’t they just push until after he does the movies? That’s only a few weeks, really randomly too. He wouldn't be needed every day at those,” you said. The key grip, a very, very tall man named Ivan shook his head.

“Cara’s got a Marvel role she starts prepping for then. By the time both their schedules are free it’s late winter and we can’t film in that, not when the movie takes place in the early fall. So that pushes us back to next summer which a lot of the time means we’re dead in the water.”

“Yup,” said Molly with a sigh. “I liked this job. Your dad’s not a dickhead and I’ve worked with some dickheads before.”

“How hard is it to find another actress though? Couldn’t they call up like the girl that came in second in the auditions?” you asked. They shared a look and you frowned. “I clearly am not in on the gossip.”

“It’s okay. You just got here,” said Molly, slurping up more oatmeal. “Rumor is it took like five months to find someone to play Maddie. No one could pull off the intense moments in the script until they got Cara. It’s an amazing script but damn, the lead actress has to be able to do a fucking lot.”

“What do you mean? How’s that different than any other story?” you asked, Ivan chuckling. “I am so out of the loop.”

“Set designers normally are. We hardly ever see you guys to be fair. But basically Maddie in the story has be vulnerable but funny, a whimpering mess but also frighteningly creepy. Soft but strong. Do a number of fight scenes with grown ass men twice her size. All while running around in the woods most days, freezing her ass off during the many night shoots and being able to not oversell the emotional moments and have it come off as cheesy instead of awesome. It’ll be a miracle to find someone like Cara Micks.”

“Oh. Well that sucks. The movie sounds cool. I really want to see if get made,” you said, your mom ducking into the tent with a smile, waving you over. “I’ll be back guys.”

“Let us know if you find out anything!” said Molly. You gave them a smile and walked out of the tent with your mom, surprised when she was practically jogging away.

“Where are you going?” you laughed, following after, grateful you were in a pair of sneakers and leggings today. She just waved and you followed her into your dad’s trailer, many pairs of eyes on you. Your dad and Dave were there along with the other producers that were on set, the assistant director, the writer and a few other people you didn’t know. “Hi.”

You took the only open seat at the far end of the little couch across from your dad, Dave walking over and squatting down in front of you. “Uh, can someone explain what’s happening?”

“I’m sure you’ve heard we’re a bit fucked without Cara. We can’t film a two lead movie without one of our leads. She’s a hard girl to replace,” said Dave. Your eyes flicked up to your dad, his lips pressed into a thin line. “We would like it if you’d entertain us for a few hours and try to film a few scenes with Jensen. You already did the stand in work yesterday and that was great-”

“I played a barely conscious girl yesterday. I didn’t have to do anything.” You got to your feet and shook your head. “I can’t act let alone replace the girl who almost got an Oscar. I will happily be a stand-in but guys…y’all do realize I’m not related by blood to these guys, right? There is zero chance any acting talent was passed along. I haven’t acted since the fourth grade where I played girl #4. Does that sound like the person you want starring in a freaking movie with him?”

Your dad shrugged. “I think you’re selling yourself short.”

You were wide eyed, mouth dropping. Had he lost his mind?

“You’re very smart. You had a lot of good suggestions during pre-production,” said Dave, taking a seat on the couch. 

“Sets. Sets I get. I have a degree in architecture and so does my husband. I know walls and floors and ceilings. This? I have zero fucking clue about acting.” Dave looked at your parents, slowly returning his gaze back to you. “I can’t do it. I’ll ruin your damn movie.”

“Well we can’t film shit without Cara so let us try for two hours. If you’re as shitty as you say you are, then I have no problem telling you that. Let us try to grab a life preserver before we go down with the ship. That’s all we’re asking,” said Dave. You grumbled, putting your back to the room before sighing.

“Fine. But no one get mad at me when I can’t do it, alright?” you said, turning around with a huff.

“Perfect. Get her a script and in hair and make up. Jensen, we’ll give you twenty minutes to rehearse before we’ll try on set.” You were ushered out of the room and twenty later you were back there with a wad of paper in your hand, wearing the same dirty t-shirt, leggings and sneakers you wore in the basement scene yesterday.

“Why the fuck would you volunteer me for this?” you said the second you were in his trailer, your dad snapping his head up from where he sat on the couch with his own papers. “When have I ever expressed an interest in acting? I look like shit. I’m not a bombshell like Cara Micks. I look like damn roadkill. You are insane for thinking I could pull something like this off. Why, why do you think I can do this? What is wrong with you, dad?”

He looked you up and down, a soft smile on his face. “Stop smiling! I’m pissed!”

“You do realize the qualities Maddie has in the movie are all ones you have, don’t you? You can do it because you have done it. And don’t tell me you can’t act,” he scoffed. You threw up your hands, dropping your papers.

“Of course I can’t fucking act! Why on earth would you think I can?” you said. He walked over in front of you, crossing his arms and staring you down. “What is wrong with you? I can’t-”

“You can act with the best of them.” You could only stare with wide eyes, growing angrier at the smug expression on his face.

“Stop saying that!” you shot back. “Why would you make me do this? I’m going to humiliate myself and you and mom and-”

He started to laugh and you’d had enough. You turned to leave, his hands gently catching your shoulders. You swore your eye was twitching when you faced him, that stupid smile still there.

“Oh, kiddo. I watched you put on a class act for months when you first came to us. Before that? Acted your ass off in those shitty foster homes. Acted your ass off when you put in anonymous calls to get the truly awful ones shut down. Pretended it was all okay to those monsters faces when it was eating you up inside. Even with your birth parents you pretended to be perfect for them.” He got in your face, tilting his head ever so slightly. “You can act and it’s like I told you yesterday. You’re safe here. So trust me to keep you safe and you can act when your damn survival doesn’t depend on it for the first time in your life. Trust me, it’s going to be a hell of a lot easier than the last time you acted.”

You frowned, growling as he leaned back. “Has anyone ever told you how irritating it is that you always have a fucking point?”

“I recall being told once or twice by a certain munchkin,” he chuckled, picking up the papers and handing them over. “Oh and Y/N? You are beautiful, even with that bruised makeup on your face. Believe me.”

“Dad. You have to say that.”

“Hm, no I don’t,” he laughed, taking a seat. “You don’t know how many death glares I’ve handed out over the years. Plus your husband never shuts up about how pretty you are.”

“Don’t make me smile. I’m still annoyed with you,” you said, sitting down at his kitchenette table, fixing your pages. “Do I have to have this memorized?”

“Let’s just practice a few times and go from there.”

Two Weeks Later

It was quiet out. Then again it normally was at two in the morning. You sipped on your thermos of hot coffee while the crew took a short break. You passed it to your dad beside you, the two of you sat in front of a fire in the forest. Above you was a clearing in the sky, so many stars out in the deep wilderness.

“You’re happy.” You glanced to your right, the shadows dancing across his face. 

“Yeah,” you whispered, looking back up at the sky. “It’s so pretty here.”

“I’m really glad I get to do this with you,” he said quietly. 

“Me too.” You took the thermos back from him, taking another sip. You were both quiet, watching the flames in front of you. He wore a long sleeve henley while you were still in your t shirt and leggings. But at least tonight you got to wear his warm flannel between takes. Until he’d give it to you in the scene at least. You set the thermos behind the log where it’d be hidden from view when they turned the cameras back on in a few minutes, catching your dad close his eyes. “Dad. Don’t fall asleep.”

“I’m not sleeping. Just happy.” You hummed, connecting the stars in the sky, trying to find the big dipper. “Kiddo?”

“Yeah?” 

“It’s to the left of that branch.” You spotted him with eyes open, darting around as they made connections.

“I used to sit outside when I was a kid and stare at the stars. No one ever bothered me when I did that,” you said, pointing out the little dipper to him. “Always seemed so peaceful up there.”

“Did you find a little peace down here?” You nodded, laughing quietly. “What’s so funny?”

“You wonder where I get it from,” you said, shaking your head. “You want to be told you’re loved as much as I do.”

“I suppose I do,” he said, the heat of his gaze on you. 

“Yeah, I found my peace down here. Don’t think I ever told him the night of my seventeenth birthday was the first time I slept through the night in a decade. I got my peace a very long time ago, just was afraid of losing it.”

“Afraid anymore?” he whispered. You shook your head, catching Orion far off on the other side of the clearing. 

“No. No one can take my peace away from me ever again.” He shifted closer, letting you rest your head on his shoulder. “This is the longest I’ve ever been away from TJ since we’ve been together.”

He hummed, breathing softly.

“How do you stand being away from mom for weeks at a time?” He crossed his arms, smiling to himself.

“Why do you think I’d fly all night just to see her and you guys for half a day? We know how to make long distance work. Our whole relationship has always had an element of it. But getting a hug when you get home eases that ache that forms.”

“I miss Thomas,” you whispered. 

“You’ll see him and the babies tomorrow,” he said, crew memembers starting to gather back around, eyes fluttering open. “He has a surprise for you.”

“Oh god. What’d he do?” He held up his hands and scooted back over to his mark. You put on puppy dog eyes, a sigh leaving him. 

“He and the kids made you a cake. He misses you too.” You inhaled deeply. “Do you regret-”

“No. I just need a moment with him is all.” You forced a smile and nodded. “Alright. Let’s do this.”

Three Weeks Later

“You’re so pretty,” whispered TJ as you exited the bathroom in a pair of pajama shorts and one of his t-shirts. You laughed, pushing back your damp hair before crawling into bed with him. “I can’t believe I’m sleeping with a movie star.”

You slapped his chest, TJ giggling, rolling himself so he rested his chin on your chest. You ran your fingers through his dark strands, TJ inhaling slowly.

“If this was something you wanted to try, you know we’ll figure it out, right?” You smiled, nodding once.

“People said I did good.”

“If you mean your parents bragging about how fucking incredible you did then sure, you did good.” You traced your finger over his cheek, concern growing in his eyes. “You’ve moved on from the brewery and we both know it. You can clearly do this acting thing if you wanted.”

“Thomas,” you sighed. He wrapped his arms under you, giving you a squeeze. “The only reason I did it in the first place was to help. I did it to spend time with my parents. I got to hang out with my dad so much and a lot of the stuff we filmed…I couldn’t have done that with someone else.”

“I have no problem with you not taking your career that direction if you don’t want to do it. But I don’t want you to not try because you do want it and you’re scared. I want you to go after everything you want in life,” he said quietly, tilting his head up, kissing your jaw. “That’s all I want from you.”

“I don’t want it,” you said, closing your eyes. “I want to get into set design full time. Being away for so long, even coming home on the weekend in the middle there…I don’t want to be gone from you guys for that long regularly.”

“I understand, believe me. We missed you too,” he said, giving you another squeeze. “But we’d go with you if you wanted.”

“I know you would,” you murmured, slowly peeling open your eyes to find him with a smile on his lips. “Let’s put it in the maybe someday again category, if it were with my parents. Until then, I am ready to take a few weeks off and spend some time home.”

He nuzzled you and chuckled. “Why not make a vow to not leave this bed? That can easily be arranged.”

“You’re cockier than usual, my sweet boy,” you teased, TJ lifting himself up on his hands, leaning down over you. “Feeling needy?”

“I haven’t slept with my wife in three weeks. I’m fucking needy. Now if the movie star was so kind-” You smacked him with a pillow, TJ putting on a shocked face. “Is this how you hollywood types are?”

“You’re such an ass!” you laughed, hitting him again, TJ plopping all of his weight down straight on top of you. “Thomas!”

A throat cleared in the room, TJ spinning around and in front of you quickly, your dad smirking at you both. “Well I didn’t mean to interrupt this strange…whatever flirting thing this is but I do need to talk to Y/N. It’s kind of important.”

“What’s up?” you asked, shoving a pillow in TJ’s lap to hide the tent in his pants. 

“Your birth parents got wind that you were doing a movie.” You narrowed your eyes as he sighed. “They gave an interview an hour ago. My team is freaking out. I couldn’t care less what they say but-”

“But it could damage your reputation.” 

He was blank faced but you knew it could be turn into a big deal. “I don’t give a shit about mine. But they said you only got set design jobs because I got them for you and I know how much it means to you to make your name on your own. Just don’t look at your phones or go online for a while. I’m going to fix this. I promise.” 

“Is there anything we should do? Or I guess shouldn’t?” asked TJ. 

“I know you two are careful about handing out your numbers but don’t answer any calls-”

“I know how to fix all of this,” you said. You felt both of their eyes on you as you climbed out of bed and tugged on TJ’s hoodie sitting on the bench at the foot of it. You glanced back at TJ and then to your dad.

“You want me to release that video. The security footage from the back porch with your parents,” he said. 

“Yes and no.” You slipped past him and went down the hall to the kitchen, both of them following as you grabbed an empty coffee mug from the cabinet. You set it under the coffee machine and after a moment it was churning, the pair of them looking very confused. “On a scale of one to ten, how much will your team freak out if you don’t say anything for like…twelve hours?”

“Considering this is the most controversial thing that’s ever happened to me, probably like a fifty. Why? You’re thinking of something,” he said.

“Like I said, I know how to fix this. But I need time and a few other things.”

“This isn’t your mess to fix,” he said. “I’ll release the video with a statement or-”

“Or…you can give me what I need and I can guarantee anyone with a brain who thinks you and mom manipulated me will change their minds.” You could tell he didn’t want to have to get you involved. He knew how much they’d hurt you. All he wanted to do was protect you from them ever doing that again.

“Give her a chance, Jensen,” said TJ, getting out another mug for himself. “I know my wife. If she has an idea, let’s give it a shot.”

You stepped forward and stood in front of him, his lips pressed into a thin line. “It’s your choice, dad. We can do whatever you and your team want. I just feel like if I said something first it’d mean more. I really need you trust me with this if you-”

“What do you need?” he asked, a small smile on his lips. You nodded, inhaling deeply and grabbing the pad of paper and a pen from nearby.

“You instagram password to start.” He jotted it down, giving you a look to not do anything stupid with his account. “I also need the login to the cloud account with the video backup at the house.”

“I can send you the video of your parents directly. It’ll be easier than-”

“Dad. Just give me the login.” He wrote down more on the pad, his eyes concerned now. “How far back does it go?”

“Since we had the house. What-”

“Is it just video or audio too?”

“Both…I’m pretty sure the security company compresses the files.” You hummed, grabbing the paper and picking up your mug, heading for your home office.

“Uh, is there anything we can do?” asked TJ. You spun around and took a sip of coffee.

“Keep the coffee coming and dad, tell your team you need to discuss with your family and you’ll have a statement out by the morning. Otherwise, do not disturb me.”

You slipped away into your office, leaning back against it. 

“This is gonna be a long night.”

Twelve Hours Later

You yawned as you exited your office, quickly making your way down to the bedroom and plopping down next to a sleeping TJ. You were asleep in an instant and woke up a few hours later at noon to TJ shoving on your shoulder.

You were pretty sure you growled at him but he knew how tired you were after the jet lag and staying up a full day. But you needed to try to get your schedule back on track so you reluctantly let him pull you up to sitting.

“You’re on CNN! Come look!” he said. You shook your head, TJ hoisting you up, carrying you bridal style into the family room where what looked like your entire family sat watch the news.

And there was your face from the video you’d made in the middle of the night smack dab in the middle of the screen. TJ set you down as heads turned, your mom rushing over and hugging you.

“How did you make that so fast? How…you didn’t have to share those things, honey,” she said, holding on tight. 

“I just wanted people to know the difference between a bad parent and a good one,” you said, surprised to find your dad missing. “Is dad mad? I know I put a lot of private moments in and things he’d probably wished had stayed a secret.”

You spotted him come out of the hallway where the half-bath was, his face neutral. He was mad. Of course he was mad. You’d been sleep deprived when you put that video together. You fucked it up. You should have just let him handle it so you didn’t make it worse.

“Dad, I’m sorry. I should have…” you trailed off when he held up his finger and stepped in front of you. He looked you up and down and nodded a few times. “I’m sorry.”

“You make a video telling the world how miserable you used to be, about some of the bad things foster parents did and calling them out by name, about how mom and I changed your life, about how I…” he clamped his mouth shut, glancing away with a scrunched up face. You swore his bottom lip wobbled and smiled, watching him put his back to your siblings who were all watching intently. 

“Was it the part about you being the only real dad I’ve ever had that got you or how I called you a good man that anyone would be lucky enough to have in their life?”

“Goddammit, Y/N,” he said, wiping off his face, keeping his head turned away. “It’s one thing when we say that shit in private but you had to say it to everyone?”

“Yeah because everyone should know. Those assholes tried to fuck with you. My whole life assholes fucked with me and now they tried to do it to someone I love. I’m not letting that shit go anymore. So fuck my birth parents and fuck my other foster parents. If people find out that you’re a good person in the process then that’s a bonus to me.”

He sighed, forcing himself to turn around, a sad smile on his face. “I just wish you hadn’t felt forced to share those things.”

“I didn’t,” you said, his eyes widening ever so slightly in surprise. “All I wanted to do was send a message to those people that they can’t hurt me anymore. I’m sorry if I royally screwed stuff up for you or violated your privacy. I just wanted them to leave us alone from now on.”

“You didn’t, sweetie,” said your mom, tucking you into her side, your dad nodding, easing a bit. He cleared his throat and ruffled your hair, his smile relaxed now. 

“You with me for a second,” he said. You followed him down the hall to your room, frowning when you were alone.

“Dad I really am-” He pressed a finger to your lips shushing you, fixing your hair behind your ears.

“Do you remember after the accident when I couldn’t take showers and there was that time you helped me wash my hair?” You nodded as he fixed your part, smiling to himself. “I realized something that day.”

“What?” you asked quietly. He rested his hands on your shoulders, breathing slowly.

“You’re a good person too,” he said softly. You cocked your head, a sliver of a chuckle slipping past his lips. “I knew before then but in that moment, when you with one arm in a sling offered to help me, I just knew I was damn lucky I wound up with a kid like you.”

“You were hurt and I helped…how does that make me a good person for doing what I should have in the first place?”

“Welcome to life in my head the past three hours while everyone in my life tells me how amazing I am when all I did with you was what I was supposed to.” 

“Well…” you groaned, stomping your foot. “How do you always do that! Every single time you turn it around on me. It’s not fair!”

“I’ve been playing the game longer than you have,” he chuckled, picking up a hair tie off your dresser and bunching up your hair. “Something I learned with your youngest sister is if you start braiding their hair, then you have a captive audience so you can get out of them whatever intel you need.”

You raised your eyebrow at him as he started to work the hair together, ignoring your face. “And what intel are you looking to get out of me?”

“Just sharing a parenting tip,” he chuckled. “You? You I think I have a pretty good idea of where we stand.”

“Oh you do, huh?” You glanced down, annoyed at the fact he could do a far better fishtail braid than you ever had. He slipped the tie off his wrist, twisting it in place a few times before humming.

“Yeah. I mean, I’m apparently the best dad that ever existed so…” he said, chuckling when you lightly punched his arm. 

“You’re just…” you trailed off with a shrug, a smile on his face. “Are you mad? About me showing all those videos of us from home over the years?”

“No,” he said, shaking his head. “Honestly, I loved it. Made me cry like a baby but I loved it. I know you’re pretty damn selective about who you let in but I’m glad I made the cut.”

“Yeah, well, you’re alright for an old guy.” You smirked, getting one in return. “I love you?”

“Yeah you’re lucky I’m still in a good mood,” he said, cocking his head. “Want to know why you’re on the news?”

“Because you’re oh so famous,” you said dramatically, his eyes narrowing. “You so want to give me a noogie, don’t you.”

“The desire is strong,” he said, clasping his hands behind his back. “In news surprising no one, your birth parents were keeping more secrets. Apparently they stole money from their shady employer. A lot of money. Which then the attempt on their lives were made. They were never in witness protection. They were working a deal with the government. Go undercover and they wouldn’t be arrested for partaking in those shady deals themselves. They took the deal and ran. Feds lost them a long, long time ago. You were only supposed to be in foster care a few weeks. But when those dummies got money hungry…they seem to have forgotten they’re fugitives. Pretty interesting have people like that call me the manipulator huh?”

You parted your lips, holding up a hand. “Did they arrest them?”

“It was in process on the news when you came out,” he said as you stood and headed for the door.

“Oh, I want to see this.”

“Knock knock,” said your dad that evening as you lay in bed, ready for a full night’s sleep. “Need anything before we head out?”

“I’ll take a hug,” you said as you sat up. 

“Those I’m an expert on.” He walked over and sat on the edge of the mattress, giving a big squeezing one. “Get some rest. You had a long day.”

“So many phone calls. On the plus side my birth parents were arrested, the DA is looking into most of my old foster parents and you gained like a couple hundred thousand followers in like twelve hours. You can tell your PR team thank you.”

“She’s so modest and humble,” he teased, kissing your temple. “Tomorrow will be better. We’ll do breakfast burritos like a normal Sunday. How’s that sound?”

You hummed, closing your eyes. “Can you do one more thing before you go?”

“Shoot,” he said quietly.

“Can you go in my closet and get rid of the duffel bag with the files in it?” He leaned back, letting you lay back against your pillows. “I think it’s time for it to go. I don’t need it anymore.”

He smiled and stood up. “Okay then. Mind if I hang onto it?”

“Do as you please,” you said, closing your eyes. 

“You sure you don’t need these papers anymore?” he asked.

“I have my letters from you. That’s all I ever needed,” you said, shuffling the background. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, tall munchkin,” he said, tugging your blankets up. “You realize the studio wants us to make another movie together after this, don’t you?”

“It’s gotta be at a resort or no deal,” you said. He chuckled, quietly opening the door. “You can negotiate that right?”

“We’ll see,” he said. The room grew quiet for a beat before you heard his heavy exhale. “I’m really glad I managed to prove you wrong about trusting me. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to.”

“You’re annoyingly relentless like that,” you said, turning on your side, tucking your covers up. “Love you.”

“Love you back. Sleep tight, kiddo.”

__________

[bottomless-pit-of-whining]

So here's a thing I wish I could put on my main blog, or post on my Facebook, but I think all it would do is make me feel even more miserable and alone.

So, I consider myself Jewish and always have. That's my cultural and ethnic heritage on my dad's side of the family, the only family I grew up with. Yes, patrilineal, but I'm still Jewish. My dad's grandparents fled pogroms in Ukraine and came to the US as deeply traumatized people seeking survival. You can see the repercussions of that recent history in the generations that followed them. For the past few years, I've been actively working to find my place in that history and that heritage, because it's a part of who I am and who I will always be, and I want to be able to be part of it in return. That's my personal context.

When a terrorist group murdered and kidnapped a bunch of civilians last October, I was horrified. When a far-right extremist government retaliated by slaughtering an unthinkable number of civilians, I was horrified. I contacted my own politicians, I donated what money I could spare, I wept at the nightmare that was playing out.

I continue to be horrified as the inhumanity continues, at the sheer scale of tragedy and terror. I wish I had any power to stop it, and I do the small things I can to try to help alleviate suffering.

But you know what else has horrified me? The way my so-called allies, the leftists, the social justice warriors, have responded. I'm lucky that I could grow up without hate being thrown my direction (perhaps because people where I grew up did not know I was Jewish despite my very Jewish last name), but I am aware of what Jew-hate looks like. And I have been seeing people I thought I could trust now wallowing in variations of centuries-old hatred without questioning it, believing outright lies that can be easily disproven with even the most superficial fact-checking, listening to people who wish to do harm, and reducing a complex situation to the stark black-and-white, good-versus-evil conflict from a bad young adult novel.

I'm still going to hope for peace. I'm still trying to contribute what I can to help victims of violence and war.

But, speaking frankly, I don't trust a lot of people anymore and I probably never will. There is no place for me in leftist social justice communities.

I don't know why people have hated Jews for so long, except that I suppose it feels good to have someone else to blame your problems on. But people really truly do hate Jews, and they really truly have for a very long time with unthinkably tragic consequences, and there are modern groups who are absolutely thrilled to be able to bring newcomers into their circles of Jew-hate in the guise of fighting for justice.

And so many of the people I thought were my friends are following them into it without a second thought.

I am disappointed. I am betrayed. I am hopeless.

And I guess I'm pretty damn alone, because I am sure as hell not going to align myself with people whose values are in opposition to my own just because the leftists are also showing their hate.

It breaks my heart.

I'm posting this on my secret sideblog because, I don't know, I've been reading Jumblr for months now and it often helps me feel less alone and I suppose I am reaching out a hand asking if anyone else will be willing to take my hand and tell me I am not alone.

We are not a monolith, I know some of you feel differently from me in either direction, but I know at least some of you feel like I do and even those of you who don't fully align with me will still not smear me with hatred.

Tomorrow I am going to my first ever Rosh Hashanah service and I have been doing my best to prepare and I want to be proud, I want to be joyful, I want to embrace hope for a brighter new year and I want to shout to the rooftops that my people are beautiful and our traditions are beautiful and isn't it wonderful that I am able to step back where I belong among them, but instead I want to weep.

[letskittythis]

Hi there, friends!

Sorry I took so long, but you know, life loves to get busy all of a sudden. Trully, Murphy's Law at it's best. Still... I hope I can make it up to you with this little post...

I want to introduce my favourite Sim to you guys.

My angel, my demon, my everything. I introduce to you… Blair Watters.

Blair: Hiiiiiii, guys! I'm so glad to FINALLY meet you all! Seriously, she's been postponing this introduction since the VEEEERY beginning!

Luna: Oh, dear... Try not to scare them away with all that energy, babydoll.

Blair: What? No way! I don't scare people off! That's Wolfie's job, not mine!

Luna: Well, if we are to be honest here… You're actually right. Wolf's usually the bad boy when it comes to your relationship, uh… Can't be helped, with that moody butt of his…

Blair: I know, right? He's almost always sporting a sour expression… It doesn't suit him at all, I very much prefer his smile, it's so cute. And, get this… He has such cute… DIMPLES! AHHAHA

Luna: Eheee, my gosh. He's too cute... Wait, don't try to get us side-tracked! We're here so our friends can get to know YOU, cutiepie!

Blair: Ooops, sorry. I just love him so much...

Luna: I know, darling, and you'll have time to rave about him later on. Maybe we can have you both here at the same time for that. We might get lucky and see Wolfgang all flustered, eheheh… But for now… Why don't you tell our friends a bit about yourself?

Blair: Sure thing! Sooo, My full name is Blair Yuri Mizune Watters. My pronouns are They/Them. I was assigned as Male at birth, but I actually am Intersex . Though, depending on the story Luna has drafted up, I might be more feminine or more masculine. In a few, Lu even made me fully female! I must say, I was stunned, but since Wolfie dropped his jaw to the floor and fell heads over heels for me anyway, I won't complain. Also depending one the story this crazy person whips up, my age can range anywhere from 16 to 30. I believe on her main save I'm near my 31st birthday?

Luna: That's correct, yes.

Blair: But here, in this particular one where we're recording this, I'm 15, my 16th birthday will be this Halloween, exactly five minutes before midnight, yay! Makes for some real fun parties, you can bet!

Luna: Eh, yeah, I always had that in mind when I first felt you coming to me, you know? My country doesn't exactly celebrate Halloween, but it still is a very important day to me. What about your parents?

Blair: Oh, you know it better than me. I'm an orphan, my parents passed away in an accident when I was five. I still have both sets of grandparents, but… Let's say neither side is happy about my choice of a partner… Eh, old and phobic people. Sad, but nothing I can do about it, really. I love whom I love, and that's my darling Wolfgang Munch! Aww, he's just soooooo cute when he wants to! Like, that one time when he…

Luna: Blair, focus, love.

Blair: Ooops, again... Sorry. We were talking about my heritage, so... My dad was native of Chestnut Ridge and my mom was from an influential old family of Mount Komorebi. According to my grandpas, dad was a Marine Biologist and mom was a Grade School Teacher, specialised in Special Needs Children. I was born in Sulani, at their seaside little home. I do remember quite a bit of it. I speak a bit of Toki Sulani and am fluent in Simlish and Komorebigo. Now, for my traits... I LOOOOOOVE music, and am super cheerful as you can easily tell, teehee. At least, here. I heard there's one me whom is not cheerful at all!

Luna: Again, correct, but I don't think I'll be sharing that particular story. At least not anytime soon.

Blair: Well, yeah, I don't think you have any particular objective there, so I get it. Still, why making me all gloomy and doomy...

Luna: Why not? Also, Wolfie there still loves your gloomy and doomy self.

Blair: Of course he does, duh! He's forever my one and only destined mate! No way I'm letting anybody else snatch him!

Luna: Ow, chill, panther. Nobody's gonna snatch Wolf from you, promise. If he's not your mate in a story, he'll at the very least be your BFF.

Blair: WHAT!

Luna: Yeah, in one of the stories I am currently working on, the one I gave our friends a sneak-peek of, Wolf won't get to meet you at all, sorry. I just couldn't find a way to slip you into it without making it super weird.

Blair: Oh. My. Gosh. You can't?! That... REALLY hurts my feelings!

Luna: Sorry, love. I tried, I really did, it just doesn't suit the story, at least not up to the point I've written it. Maybe I can add you somehow in the future. Not as Wolfie's mate, unfortunately, but maybe some way else. I have an idea, but don't wanna give spoilers, so…

Blair: Uffff... Fine. Uh... Guys... In case you're wondering... Yes, Luna's this loving and all hugs in real life... As long as you don't squish her tiny 150cm, she won't go murderous cat mode on you.

Luna: Oi! Blair, you little...!

Blair: Eeeeee! Love you, too, gal. And please, get me new CC nails. I'm getting tired of always wearing the same.

Luna: Oh, uh, sure, I'll keep an eye out for cute ones, as I failed miserably at making some... Guess I'll just try again when I am less exhausted. Oh, yeah, and Cuupid has a cute new set in early access right now, I'll be sure to get it as soon as I can, I bet you'll be a stunner on it.

Blair: Ohhh, yes, Softer Set? I can't wait to try it on, either! Thank you, guys for your amazing work! There's no way I'd have half this much fun teasing Wolfie if it wasn't for your work! Oh, yeah, any special requests, Lu? I still have a bit of time before my lunch date with Wolf.

Luna: Oh, sure. Why don't you tell us which is your favourite CC shop?

Blair: Uh, I think it is obvious. @yin-shimo's of course! I know he mostly does conversions, but they're soooo dang cute! Plus, Abel is such a snack and Meri is so freaking adorable! But I also LOOOOVE @1-800-cuupid, @smsims-evekleos, Myobi, @evellsims, LonelyGraves, @saruin and soooo many more. I mean, I wear a gorgeous mix by many creators, both active and retired... So, yeah, hard pick, but I mostly shop at Tianshi's! I know. Let me show off my daily wear!

Luna: Uh, sure, if you have the time and don't mind. But...

Blair: Worry not, I won't lose to anyone in cuteness! So... Here we go... Infinity Nikky Style! Wooo!

Luna: Wait what...?

Blair: This current one is my fav! It's sexy and comfy, plus makes it easier to sneak off with Wolfie, and... Ya know. We ain't saints.

Luna: Oh my gosh. Blair?!

Blair: Thiiis one I picked to impress madam Munch. Mother in law seemed positively speechless, even fainted from the trill! Ain't it cute? My gosh, I feel like a bajillion simoleons in this outfit, I should really wear it more often!

Luna: My god, Blair, ahahah!

Blair: While Luna gets closer to death by laughing, a perfectly sane way to kill an asthmatic, mind you, on to my other outfit... The one I worn for my first date with Wolfie. Boy, did he seem conflicted... Only problem of it, apparently, is to perfectly show off my GOOOOORGEOUS butt. Wolfie can't keep his hands to himself whenever I show up in front of him with this outfit, teehee~!

Luna: Ay, Blair, you'll be the death of me!

Blair: Next, it's Luna's favourite! Wolfie also loves it, of course! This dress.. Oh, I love it. It was quite a find, Lu! Get me more like it!

Luna: Anything to see you happy, babydoll! But please... No more sillies...! I'll die for real!

Blair: Alriiight. Well, This is the last one. My outfit for blue days. And for discreet outings with my Wolfie. Like, today's lunch, we wanna be as discreet as possible, since those vultures from The Church of the Watcher somehow seem to ALWAYS be flitting about that restaurant...

Luna: Oowww, my lungs... Blair, dearie, sit, please. I got one more question.

Blair: Okay! What is it?

Luna: Which kind of story do you hope THIS one will be like?

Blair: Well... Honestly, I don't know, but I sure hope I'll get to have all kinds of fun and romantic outings with Wolfie! Also, please do allow me time to play with Lucas! He's such a sweetie, and you hardly remember to let me enjoy his company!

Luna: True enough, and I do plan to allocate more time for you to get to know your youngest brother-in-law better, I believe you two will get along really well.

Blair: Also, don't forget to post this on Tumblr, you scatter-brained horni pan! Spend less time drooling over MY mate and more time writing the stories and taking the screenshots to illustrate them!

Luna: Ehhh, sorry about that. You're not even mentioning I spend just as long drooling over YOU, but... Really, you're right, I better be more diligent...

Blair: Yup! Oh, I gotta go now, so… Bye-bye, and please, be patient with her. Also, she doesn't mind any pronouns you wanna use! Just be yourselves, loves! See you next time!

Luna: Bye, guys. Sorry if it wasn't what you expected, but I hope you still enjoyed yourselves. I'll try drag Wolfgang here for an interview sometime soon! Oh, and if you have more questions, feel free to leave them in the comments, I'll answer them to the best of my ability. Until next time!

[ginnyw-potter-archive]

10 years

Harry heard Ginny enter the kitchen and he turned around, an asleep Lily Luna on his hip, slumped against him.

"How's my favourite Potter?" Ginny asked.

He smiled. "Is that me or her?" he asked his wife.

"Her," she said with a grimace. She looked at her daughter. "How long has she been awake that she's already asleep again?"

"Too long," he replied.

Ginny walked up to him and kissed him softly, careful not to wake Lily.

"We've been together ten years," she said softly, her arms remaining around him.

"Well, with some gaps - one major gap," he spoke.

"Doesn't count," she told him. Her hand caressed the hair of her youngest.

"And now we are married, with three kids," he told her as he if couldn't quite believe it.

"Yeah," she said, smiling brightly. "So lucky we get to do that."

It was unspoken, the hardships, the losses... how the odds had been against them. He nodded with a fond smile. "It's pretty good." He kissed her again.

"Is it me or are those two way too quiet?" Harry asked, referring to their oldest two.

Ginny smiled wider. "You are right. I'll go look." Her arms left his waist and she left the kitchen again to check up on her sons.

Harry walked with Lily to the couch and softly put her down to nap there so he could finish breakfast. He set down the plates on the table and turned back to the stove when Ginny walked back in.

"James was actually helping Albus put on his shoes, it was really sweet," she spoke.

He turned around in surprise. "That's very cute, Gin. But didn't you question why in Merlin's pants they are putting on shoes at this hour?"

Ginny groaned. "I should have known. I'll go check what their evil plans are." She turned to walk out of the kitchen.

"It's like you didn't grow up with a bunch of Weasleys!" he said.

She looked at him from the doorway. "I am sorry, I was in the mood for a blissful morning and got ahead of myself."

"I'll give you a blissful evening when the kids are at their grandparents," he said with a fond look.

Her eyes lit up and she grinned. "You better make it count, Potter."

[propheticfire]

Personal emotions and sadness and shit...

Haha I know right now it's worse because I'm all hormonal from my period, but lately I've been thinking about my grandparents getting older and my mom getting older and how they're going to die sooner rather than later, and about how I have no siblings or niblings or children or anyone really close to me who's younger, and about how very likely it is that no one will remember me or care about me when I get old and die too.

I know I chose to be childfree - i don't like being around children, much less caring for them and raising them - but the older I get the more i feel like a failure as a human because I didn't perpetuate the species somehow. Biologically or adoptively or mentorly or otherwise. I'm not gonna be anyone's ancestor. I won't be passing any stories or traditions onto anyone. And I feel like I don't deserve to have certain heirloomy things like my aunt's nice crocheted doilies or my great-grandma's aprons, because I won't have anyone to pass them on to. When I die they'll just go to a thrift store or a landfill or something and no one will care about these things that had meaning to at least four generations of people.

It makes me so sad. And I don't know what to do with that sadness. I feel like I'm preemptively grieving the loss of all these things. I know, I know "you shouldn't borrow grief from the future" or whatever that saying is, but it's one thing to know that and another thing to practice it. I want to be here as long as I can, I'm definitely not trying to shuffle off the mortal coil before my time, but I'm also scared of getting old and probably getting dementia/alzheimer's or something and not having anyone to take care of me or even make sure I get into a decent nursing home where the staff will actually look after me and won't abuse me or neglect me or steal my stuff. OR haha have someone make sure I even get into a nursing home at all, instead of dying alone at home and not being found for weeks, or wandering away by accident and never coming back.

I think about these things so often. I am so lonely and so scared for what will happen when I don't have my mom or my grandparents anymore. I have a lot of online friends, but they can't physically actually be here in my life. And I'm worried too about who will tell my online friends that I've died when it finally happens? Granted, the internet situation will probably look a lot different in the next 35-40 years lol (I'm hoping I get at least that long), but still.

Would a therapist help? I used to say yes, of course, a therapist would help. But honestly? I'm not so sure anymore. You have to find the right therapist, and that seems harder and harder to do these days. And then, should you be lucky enough to find one, you have to have the money and the time to go see them. So I don't know. I don't know how to solve this or sit with it in a way that's manageable. I could've just written it down in my journal, but I guess I wanted to put it in a place where it would be seen. Where I would be seen. If you made it this far, thanks for listening. I do really appreciate it.

[thecallofthecrow]

Happy Imbolc and Welcome to My Tumblr!

Hi, my name is Kuro. I'm a Pagan/Witch/Somewhere in that realm who has been practicing Witchcraft since the 8th grade. This seems like something someone really edgy would say, and it's gonna be worse when you learn which Goddess I worship and call "My Matron."

The Morrigan, by the way. The Morrigan chose me, and as Izzy of The Morrigan's Oracle has said, she likes to weave a story. So before we go into the FAQ/Strawman Argument section, let's go into my history.

Why Witchcraft?

In the time I converted to Wicca (I don't really count myself as Wiccan anymore as I don't ft the mold perfectly so I go with the more "Pagan" overview) I was undergoing a lot of pressure. I had just gotten out of a dangerous situation at home, living with people who cared for me, and wanted me to explore my life and what I wanted for myself.

I was also in a very abusive and manipulative relationship at said time, so I was looking for help in all the places I could. I was relaxing at my local library down the street from my school, and exploring the various aisles of books as I tended to do. The library, after all, was my favorite place on the planet. I've always been a reader - and still am to this day - so fate aligned and in a little small town in a very Christian and conservative area, I stumbled upon a book.

This singular book, "Wicca: The Complete Craft" by D.J. Conway came into my hands like fate screeching into my body full force. I had been raised Catholic, but at the time was non-practicing. However, I have always been very open minded. So with this interesting book, and a lot of time to kill, I sat down and began reading its pages with great interest as to what it had to say.

Needless to say, something connected. The open feeling I felt reading the contents of Conway's book filled me with such interest that I then checked that book out and went home to read it.

My Grandparents weren't thrilled. I don't actually know their religious backing, as they were non-practicing and never went to Church. Same for my Dad, he didn't practice actively either, and I wasn't in much contact with him at the time because he was going through his own journey at the time and we didn't intersect much. However, no one stopped me from delving into the pages of this interesting book.

I understand not everyone is lucky enough to have been given this luxury. Had my family been more fanatical, or practicing Christians, or less open minded, I probably would have been forced to return the book and never bring it into the house again. However, that was not the case.

To make a long story short, I converted to Wicca. I kept myself in the broom closet for a long time, before finally revealing at one point to my Grandparents,

"Grandma, Grandpa, I'm a Wiccan now."

They didn't really question me. I think they thought I was going through a phase and this would end. Well, here we are at age 30 worshipping the Morrigan and about to do an Imbolc ritual this very nice, with offerings lined up to go and plans made. I have an Oracle and Tarot deck (having bought my first tarot deck legit yesterday and the Oracle deck years ago now). I have an entire altar now.

This doesn't mean the journey was easy. I posted a Facebook post at one point revealing this factoid of mine, my transformational journey, and my Dad saw it. Pardon my sailor mouth, but he flipped the fuck out.

He came storming over to the house and yelled at me for like, two hours for not asking him for guidance to find the love of Jesus again, for not asking him to take me to church and see the love of HIS god. He was very disappointed in me. The argument devolved, as it always does, into him screaming at me and me calmly responding with reasonable arguments, and then after he left me crying my eyes out because all I've ever wanted was for him to love me. A bit TMI, I know, but I guess Daddy issues are common in this community from what have understood over the years.

But, I did not let it deter me from my craft. I continued working with my Gods and Goddesses, primarily with - who I thought was - Artemis, who turned out to be the Morrigan but we'll get into that when we get to more recent stuff.

I would commune with her when I had time to kill, pray to her, do altar work with her. Some of my school friends, through middle and high school, also converted over. One of these "friends" who we won't get into stole my pentacle necklace, my prized, blessed possession and one way of expressing my faith and beliefs. He would later, in high school, be told to take it off during class because it was "a gang symbol." Even though he was an awful friend who - in the end - got what was coming to him, I was angry on his behalf.

Justice is an important thing to me. We live in an unjust world, as many of you - especially on Tumblr - know to a great degree. There is much discrimination and mistreatment of people of all creeds and birth. I won't get too social justice-y so we can stay on topic, and I understand that with the modicum of personal information I'll give out that I have a certain inherent set of privileges that I am learning more as time goes on I need to keep in check.

These privileges did not keep me from facing some discrimination. I am on the ace spectrum. For a long time, before the whole Wicca thing, I showed no interest in relationships. The one I was in when I converted to Wicca was out of interest for the person. However before that, my family confronted me constantly with the question "are you gay?" At the same time, I am also disabled, with several mental illnesses, however we will get to that in the FAQ section.

I also faced religious persecution, just like said "friend" in high school. When people found out my faith, they reacted negatively, by and large. Oh the woes of living in a non-open minded world. I'll give a particular example that gets my blood boiling.

I was talking to my friend, we'll call her O. The topic of religion came up, one I'm very interested in having studied various theologies over the years. I'm not afraid of backing up my choices, but I am not closed minded to the whole "I'm right and le Christians bad." I had several Christian friends of various denominations, even at the time.

My friend asked some interesting questions, to which I explained my points on. Then some asshole from across the room, who was apparently listening, jumped into a conversation he was not even remotely included with "You are going to burn in hell."

It caught me by surprise, because he was sitting right by the teacher. The teacher kinda looked at him, then at me. I asked him to repeat himself, so he gleefully did. I tried to counter with something, I don't remember what, but respectfully, and the teacher told me to be quiet. She was staring directly at me. Maybe it was a mistake, maybe she just didn't want a religious argument breaking out in the middle of fucking Geometry, I dunno. All I know is, I stopped all pretenses of playing nice after that when people would pull the same shit.

I will admit, I got a little petty. I unleashed my full witchy pride and gleefully told people about my faith and my experiences. I wasn't afraid of backlash anymore, as I had gotten it several times by then. Nor did I stop having theological discussions about the Bible and scripture with my Lutheran friend. We'll call him D. He was very kind always and never delved into insults, but we liked to joke that I was a godless heathen. I still do that joke with my Grandparents and we get a laugh out of it every time.

But never did I stray from my path. I did my craft, I communed with "Artemis", and practiced spells. Over the course of my life, some of the work fell by the wayside, but I always kept my Goddess' requests in mind. Eventually, I entered college, and moved out of home and never had a space for an altar until literally yesterday. But I held faith that all would be fine.

Why the Morrigan? Isn't She Evil?

Alright so let's dispel (heh) some notions right now.

A lot of people find the Morrigan in various ways, and I even got this question today on Imbolc of all days, the celebration of Brig, the Morrigan's daughter.

The way Izzy put it on The Morrigan's Oracle was that "she likes to weave a story." She will often change shapes and trick you into thinking you're talking to someone else. So, since I was a Hellenist at the time, I got put with Artemis, which is weird because I'm a dude, so that should have been red flag number one.

I worked with "Artemis" for years. Called her mom, she took care of me, and all she ever asked of me, no offerings, no requirements, no rituals (as a lot of the worship happened when I had fuck all space), was to fight; fight my battles (which were many and constant) and better myself. She wanted me to get my shit together, which was made harder by me being diagnosed with schizophrenia. Shocking, I know; the person who thinks they can weave magicks is psychotic. We'll get to that, please be patient.

Eventually, fast-forwarding about 10 years after working with Artemis through high school and college, something didn't feel right. I felt doubt for the first time, even after converting from Wicca to more vague Paganism. "Artemis" was quiet, and the few times she did speak up she told me to "keep going." This is something I needed, dealing with suicidal tendencies and psychotic problems. It runs in my family, and we'll leave it at that.

But a couple years ago from around now, I discovered this odd attunement towards crows. I first was afraid of them, as you will hear many worshippers of the Morrigan state. But then, i grew weirdly attracted to their presence. They weren't tellers of doom to me, but a sign. I delved into research, trying to find a Hellenistic answer to the question and drawing up little.

Then she appeared to me. Not in a hallucinatory way though, let me explain.

Her presence was made known to me when I finally found a Goddess linked to crows, who was also known to be a triple Goddess. I had an affinity towards triple Goddesses all the time, yet I never even considered the idea that a Celtic Goddess, with my Irish roots, was even a possibility as a point of worship. But when I made that link, I felt something as I read up on her. I remember at one point I felt like something of a feeling of divine amusement as I finally made the link.

Broke out that Oracle Deck, which I will include the picture of as it is my favorite Oracle Deck (Seasons of the Witch Oracle: Samhain) and put out a feeler. I got a strong answer back, in which she finally removed the mask. It was her, the Morrigan, in full presence.

I was kinda scared shitless because she's often associated with Death itself, and many other bad things. But as research will tell you, she's not really that scary. I call her "theatrical" more than evil. Yeah, in some stories she does some fucked up shit, but honestly, in regards to the Gods and Goddesses of myth, all of them have done something arguably disagreeable, and they usually have their reasons.

So does that mean you don't believe in Artemis' existence? That's kinda fucked up if you believe that.

I believe Artemis exists. I'm in that weird zone of Paganism that says any pantheon probably exists. I have Norse, Hellenistic, Celtic, and various other people who go for different Gods and Goddesses as friends, so I believe their experiences are valid and their connections to their deities are real and valid. I believe anyone who believes any religion should be seen as valid unless they use it to harm people.

Harming people through religion is not alone in Christianity. I was manipulated by some very awful people who were Pagan, and I will never forgive those people for what they did to me. Fuck those guys lol, we'll get into that later.

But as for why I don't think Artemis was really the one communing with me, and it was Morrigan "weaving a story" as some of her other worshippers state, is because all her requests line more up with her than Artemis. My mind was small, I liked Hellenistic beliefs, but my mind was too small to address the Morrigan at the time, and when I finally made the connection, it was the right time. I do truly believe the Morrigan is watching over me.

So what then, you're a worshipper of the Morrigan now? What about other Celtic Deities?

I believe they exist. As mentioned earlier, the Morrigan chose me, not the other way around. Other deities choose their followers. I have a friend whose mom worships Lugh, though she's a terrible person. However, NO ONE FUCKING ASKED my opinion on her, so we'll leave it at that.

I don't mess with Lugh much because any time I even think about him I get this kinda hostile energy. There's others, but the three I'm drawn to right now, and technically one of them is three Goddesses, are the Morrigan, Aine, and Brig.

Okay, can we address some stuff now?

Sure, let's advance to the FAQ section. I'm gonna try to speedrun this because I've been typing for like, an hour or two and I've got shit to do.

FAQ

So you're a Witch, does that mean you curse people and do magic for Satan?

I know this is literally what I earlier joked to be the Strawman section but this one was just too funny not to do.

I don't do curses. A concept I kept from Wicca, which isn't exactly exclusive to Wicca but not all Pagan's believe it, is the Law of Threes and the Wiccan Rede.

The Law of Threes is basically defined as something where whatever you put out into the universe - be it curses, hostile energy, hate, whatever - comes back to you three times in strength. So curses are a big bad. In the same way, revenge magic is a big no no, and some gods, even who reside over Justice, don't like you asking for Justice when it comes down to dolling out your own sense of justice, or even asking for it. Your mileage may vary depending on the practitioner.

As for the Satan question, I know I mentioned all deities probably exist, I don't believe in Satan, or Hell, or any of that. The Underworld definitely exists, as does the Hedge, but the Underworld isn't as scary as it sounds. It's kinda just... A thing. Do your own research on that and don't ask me.

To summarize, no; I don't curse people and worship Satan because I don't curse people and I don't believe in Satan.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

You've been a Pagan for a long time, so are you an expert?

Hell the fuck no. I haven't actively practiced in ten years, and even before I was shit at it. I need to seek out lessons from people more informed from me to get shit right and last night during my own ritual I was so nervous i forgot how to draw a star that Kindergarteners learn to draw. The Morrigan was very amused.

Are all Witches in a coven? Are they scary?

Man fuck covens. I was in a coven once; most high school drama ass shit I ever encountered. I don't do covens, and covens with (gasp) men allowed in it seem to be rare as is. I guess that's my gender reveal I was trying to avoid.

Wait how can you be a dude and a Witch? Aren't those all girls?

I will summarize this specifically, and it kinda varies so YMMV.

Warlock is kinda a mistranslated word from my research and means oathbreaker. I identify with the word Witch, and a lot of sources back me up while a lot of other sources say it's a male witch. You choose what you want to be called, but I would prefer to be referred to as a Witch or if you don't feel comfortable with that feel free to just call me a Pagan (or crazy, that's valid too).

You're a schizo, do you really think you can hear your Goddess?

Valid point, but this is different. There's a lot of theories as to the scientific backing of "hearing your god." I feel energies rather than directly "hear" something. It could be nothing, it could be something. I just go with my gut.

Atheists reading this might be like "oh yeah he's nuts." That's your prerogative. Home Button is right there and if you want to avoid the whole entire subgenre of this thing, there's some interesting tags you can blacklist if Tumblr still has that feature. #witchblr is a great place to start with avoiding this content.

I'd like to not get people going into my comments saying I'm utterly nutterly butterly, but I expect I'll get some of that. My advice to other witchs, Pagans, and Wiccans, and everything in between to just block or not engage. Really, as someone who works in social media, they're just giving you more engagement and spreading your content around. This can be a good and bad thing, but you decide what is best for you and don't listen to my psycho ass.

Magic doesn't exist, you're just crazy. Take your medicine.

It's on my desk, I already did, and surprise surprise I still believe in this shit. Chill, my advice to the hardliners is just to avoid my content if you don't want to read it. It'll be better for both of us if you just ignore me, or block me, or whatever you want.

So, what is this Tumblr gonna be about, really?

Let me address this plainly. I'm a creative, and I need an outlet to talk about my faith. My friends are starting to get annoyed because half of them are either atheists or agnostic and don't care or some sect of Christianity and think I'm a devil worshipper ooOooOooOH so spooky.

So I'll publish, as you've seen, poetry that comes into my head after rituals, teatime, communing, or whatever comes across my mind. I will also try to, ironically, demystify the whole thing regarding witchcraft and explain, from both a metaphysical and scientific lens, explain how all of this exactly works. A lot of magic and ritual is more psychological, and not all that crazy to understand, so I'll do some articles on how magicks work. Not in the crazy New Age Starseed psychotic way (everyone say it with me, fuck DOLORES CANNON), but in a way of how all of this works on a practitioners psychology. There is always a logical explanation for why we feel certain things work, even if in reality, it could be mystical or metaphysical. I will approach things from both lenses.

And let me just say, because from my first post you might think I'm a channeler, and that the Morrigan literally speaks through me, I feel more like she's my muse and sends me ideas. I'll be at a zen state and words just come into my head, then I write it down and post it. Some of it might be utter garbage. I never said I was a great writer.

Wrapping Up

Thank you for reading this gigantic wall of text. If you made it this far, feel free to reach out to me any time. I'm seeking out mentors and guides to learn the more ins and outs of more interesting aspects of the craft, and I will always have questions that need answering. If you feel like reaching out, my DM's are open.

All of you have a wonderful Imbolc, and Blessed Be.

Kuro

[vhygoxo]

Pale Moonlight

After your grandfather Atera passes you decide to move in with your grandmother. Since this is your gap year after graduating, you get to decide what you want next, assuming this is a great opportunity. Moving to one of your home reserves you're ready to start your new life. When you finally come back after being distanced for so long secrets and mysteries of the reserve start to unravel.

Paul Lahote x Reader

Chapter 6: Discovery

Finally back with a new chapter! Which is probably surprising lol since I took a long break. But I do have more chapters in store. I want this story to be focused on not only being Paul's imprint, but also into the life of the reserve, the characters stories. But other than that enjoy! I know we're in a drought for Paul lahote content. I’ll also be uploading imagines and other Wolfpack content in the future 🫶

Chapters

1. Homecoming

2. Emissary’s

3. Connection

4. Prey

5. Awakening

6. Discovery

As the next morning came I tried to stay in my bed for as long as I could. My eyes eventually fluttered open, my bones felt weary, throat dry and parched.

I wasn’t so sure I wanted to get out of my bed. Not after everything I experienced yesterday. Thinking of all I have to face it made me stuck to my bed.

It’s still hard for me to digest everything. How am I supposed to live knowing what’s truly out there? What type of life awaits me for me?

Vampires are real and one had attacked me. Until Paul Lahote, a man I barely know, was the one to rescue me. All in the form of this huge vicious grey wolf.

Learning about Paul’s true nature, including the others, about how they’re all ‘shifters’. It all made me feel crazy. I wasn’t sure how to react to their explanation. What made me feel crazy was that I somehow understood everything.

Living with my grandparents in the summer and visits in between I learned a lot. Many stories live in my head because of me simply listening to my grandfather.

He wasn’t the type to sit us kids down. Just a few times in the winter for story time if we were lucky. Other than that you’d have to catch him at the right moment.

He’d tell them randomly, while we drank tea, or went for a car drive, even just sitting quiet at home. It all depended on what mood my grandfather was in.

I always believed him even when his stories seemed ridiculous. Our people, indigenous people as a whole, we have certain ways.

Somethings that are even mysterious to us. Stories of folk tales and local creatures were common to hear and know about.

It’s a totally different experiencing said stories in real life. It was easier to think of them as just stories. But now I know that there is truth to such stories. It all made life feel surreal for me.

Eventually I crawled out of bed once the questions in my head started to eat me up. I needed answers, explanations, anything to help me understand. I knew there was only one person that could help me.

My grandmother was up and waiting for me downstairs. I could sense her as I got my self ready. The air was filled with tension and uneasiness.

“My girl” She exclaimed as I came down the stairs. I gave a weak smile before we headed to the couch. Sitting down beside her she squeezed my hand comforting me.

“How did you rest? Are you feeling okay?” My grandmother fussed over me as she brushed the hair away from my face. I smiled and cupped her hand softly.

“I rested well enough. How are you holding up?”

“Oh my girl… I couldn’t help but worry over you. I know you must be going through a lot right now… Thinking a lot… Here have something to eat first. Get your strength back”

With the food ready she and I ate our breakfast. I somehow felt at peace once we began to eat in silence. For this brief moment it felt as if nothing had changed. All I focused on was my grandmother and this moment. Bracing myself for what I know I have to face eventually.

Once we had finished and cleaned up we sat back onto the couch. My grandmother had stepped into her room. Before she came back out carrying a small cedar box.

“What is that?” I asked once she sat down with me. She smiled at me softly before she opened the box. It had initials and some florals carved into the box. Once opened there were small carved trinkets and pictures.

“Your grandfather made me this box. Originally it was meant for jewellery. When he’d go hunting he’d carve me pieces of jewellery made from antlers and bone. Necklaces, rings, earrings, all hand made by him. Little tokens of love and affection. He carved this box for me to keep everything in it. Over the years I kept our memories together in this box”

She skimmed through her stacks of pictures. Old pictures of her and my grandfather as a young couple. Their friends and events they attended. She pulled out a set of pictures for me to look at.

“This was around the time your grandfather shifted. He had just turned 17 before a stray vampire began to lurk around the reserve. It made him and his fellow pack members shift. All of them were only 16-18 at the time”

“Pack members?”

“…What exactly did Sam and his friends tell you?”

She paused to look at me after questioning me. I stopped looking at the pictures to focus. Trying to remember what I was told.

“Well… I know everyone besides Kim and Emily is a wolf. I—I mean shifter, that they take on their spiritual forms, which is the shape of the wolf… right?”

“Yes they’re called shifters. For you to understand I need to explain some things”

My grandmother looked at me eager to know my decision. I could see she was nervous as I was. But I trusted her to know that she’ll be honest and explain everything I don’t understand. I nodded my head in agreement before she started.

“Long ago Taha Aki and our ancestors were blessed with their nature from our relatives the wolves. Fierce spiritual warriors stronger than any force. As a means to protect and guide our tribe. Only certain men in the tribe are blessed with this gift. It’s a lifestyle few can walk”

She handed me a picture of a huge dark grey wolf. Almost as if his fur was black on the top. Looking at the handwriting on the photo inscribed was my grandfathers name.

“They had dealt with the colonizers easily enough. It’s why despite our small tribe we always kept our territory despite many enemy attempts to take it. When our people first came across the cold blooded vampires it changed everything. We had never come across such a threat. Whole villages would be slaughtered in a matter of a few hours at the hands of a few vampires. They looked human but quickly our shifters knew they were unnatural”

I felt my own blood run cold. Terrified at the thought of vampires. My throat felt as if it was slowly closing as I remembered Victoria. How fast she was and how close I was to death.

“When the first shifters killed them they ripped them to pieces. Our warriors decided to collect all the pieces to place together. To inspect and see the vampire up close. Everyone in the village had gathered to come take a look at the beast. It laid there stiff, it’s insides grey and solid, the skin reflected like gemstones. Everyone was amazed our warriors killed such a powerful creature. All until the limbs started to move, quickly the body squirmed to join back together, some pieces did and tried to fight back once more. Pale and cold because they’re undead, immortal, their bodies are made of stone”

I gasped shocked at what I was hearing. It made me think of how Victoria’s skin felt. Like cold sandpaper but solid and hard. There was no softness in her icy grip. Even when Paul bit down onto Victoria I could hear crumbling and cracking. I almost thought she was a porcelain doll with how awful the cracking sounded.

“Quickly the body was tossed and burnt in the fire. All until nothing but ash was left. Burning them is the only way to truly kill a vampire. Our shifters are the only force powerful enough to defeat them. This has been their duty for centuries. Our true protectors and guides of the Quileute tribe”

I sat quiet dumbfounded at what was being told to me. My grandmother just patiently waited and observed my reaction. My mouth was agape from shock and surprise. I wasn’t quite sure what to say but I knew I had questions

“Wow… I… I somehow understand… But I still have a few questions if that’s alright”

“I understand my girl. But you need to know what a heavy responsibility it is to be a shifter. It takes great discipline and dedication. It’s a delicate balance between spiritual and physical nature. If you aren’t balanced it can be volatile. It can be a difficult process harnessing their true nature. There are some aspects you can’t control”

“…Such as imprinting right?” I asked which made her whip her head at me taken aback. Even I sat up straight nervous. I could tell it caught her off guard as she coughed.

“Grandma … I don’t fully know what an imprint is. I didn’t get to fully ask either because I was too shocked and upset. I understand somewhat about how shifting works… All I know is this imprinting with Paul involves me. That’s what they told me from what I remember. I… I just don’t know how I fit into all this. I’m not a shifter or anything magical as far as I know. Or am I? Is this what you're struggling to tell me?”

“No no you’re not a shifter my girl” She said slightly giggling at me. At this point I had too many questions. But I really wanted to know what an imprint is. Since I know this connects me to Paul somehow. What role do I play in all of this? Grandma sighed before she recollected herself.

“Well… Even for me it’s difficult to explain. An imprint connection really depends on the people in the connection. You see when the colonizers came, they took almost everything from us, you know? Genocide, Residential schools, day school, all of it took a toll on our people. It was a struggle to even carry our traditions so most of our teachings about shifters, their nature, what we knew was lost. It’s been about 3 generations since your grandfathers time and since we last had shifters amongst us”

She explained as I sighed defeated. Slowly sinking into my seat. My grandmother rubbed my back in comfort. Before she started to explain once more.

“Over the years we’ve gathered what info we do know about shifters. Some of the teachings have been coming back. All we understand is it’s a lifelong bond. That only happens once a lifetime between a shifter and their imprint. It’s a strong spiritual bond that links two for life. Some even believe it lasts beyond life”

I sat silent for a moment to think. It made me rethink of Paul’s words before I left. His brief explanation to me of what an imprint is.

I remember the look on his face, a frown filled his face with eyes that were sad, one of the reasons I wanted to leave so quickly. I caused a lot of trouble for not only him but for everyone.

“... Y’know…That’s all Paul really said to me before I left… Now that I think about it. I didn’t really understand what he meant at the time. But he said that we— that I can choose what we mean? I’m guessing he meant this imprint connection”

She had grabbed my hand and held it close to her. I sat worried until she gave me a warm smile. There was a short pause before she sighed

“My girl… As much as I want to sit here and explain everything to you. I think it’s best you just talk to Paul”

I felt uncomfortable as soon as she suggested such. I didn’t quite know how to face Paul. I had hardly knew him before all of this. Now I’m suddenly inter-soul-twined with him? It didn’t help he was quite upset about all of this.

“Grandma—“

“Remember I’m an imprint myself. When your grandfather imprinted on me he made sure I understood right away. He just wouldn’t have it either way”

“You were also the one to say you and grandpa got married quickly. Is it because he imprinted on you that you guys got hitched?”

Her face had flushed red it was the first time I’ve ever seen her get flustered. I felt I should’ve bitten my tongue to stop myself. But it was too late the words were spoken.

“Y\n”

“I’m sorry! But I’m just worried. I still don’t fully understand what any of this imprint business has to do with me and Paul. Does this mean I have to get hitched with Paul right away? Like you and grandpa? Except I have to with some stranger I don’t know?—“

“—This is why I’m suggesting you talk to Paul. Imprint connections vary for me and your grandfather it was different. Yes we got married but it was because we loved and eventually understood one another. Not just because of this imprint connection. Y’know we have other imprints on the rez here. They’re great examples of how different imprints can be”

I only knew Sam and Emily were imprints so far. But them too are basically married, already engaged, despite being in their early 20’s. All I knew from Kim was they’ve been together for awhile. Leah didn’t really like Sam from what I understood.

“Like Sam and Emily? But they’re engaged as well”

“Yes but there are others. Quill has his own imprint also you know”

Hearing the words come out of my grandmothers mouth shocked me. This whole time I’ve been home Quill hadn’t bothered to bring up his imprint? Much less let me meet her?

“What? Quill?”

“Yes Quill has his own imprint. I bring it up because his relationship to her is different from that of Sam and Emily, and also me and your grandfathers. Claire young is her name, and she’s only 4, she’s the niece of your friend Emily” Hearing so surprised me and I could feel it express on my face. My grandmother scolded me as I felt myself cringe. I couldn’t help it since it shocked me to know this about Quill.

“They aren’t together y\n but they are imprints. Quill has since taken her in almost as his own daughter. With the approval of her parents of course. They know about all of this also. It was understood that the two needed to be together and Quill decided he would become whatever Claire needed. He’ll become a friend, a brother, a father, whatever Claire needs. For now he serves her as a older brother\father figure”

“… And you said before this is something sacred right?”

“Yes my girl and no one gets to choose their imprint. In the old days we understood imprinting and it’s nature to be more connected to the wolves. Rather than our human nature. It’s why our people never fully questioned it. Wolves bond for life it’s just in their nature. When our ancestors were blessed with the gift of shifting we understood imprinting was one of the gifts that came with it. Instead of questioning we adapted, it’s why it’s important for the imprints, to define the connection between them. Otherwise your connection can falter and be fatal”

“Wait—fatal?” Before she could answer me someone had knocked on the door just then. Interrupting and startling the two of us. Both of us were heavily into our conversation we hardly realized someone was here.

I got up and walked to the door quickly. Opening the door there stood Quill. A solemn look to his face. I was surprised to see him standing here. Usually he texts or calls me to make sure I’m home.

“Hey Y\N”

“Hey…”

“Is that Quill?” Our grandmother asked me, I stood aside to let him in, stepping in he greeted her. She rose from where she sat and came over to us. I wasn’t quite sure how to react to Quill’s sudden appearance.

“I’m glad you stopped by so soon Quill to check on y/n. Me and y\n were just finished visiting. I’m sure you and her have a lot to talk about. So I’ll leave you two as I’ll be heading over to Sue Clearwater’s… I need to thank her for helping you last night”

“Oh— Grandma I’ll come with you I want to thank her too” I said trying to grab my shoes to leave. She shook her head and held my hands. Stopping me from grabbing them.

“My girl it’s okay you stay here and visit with Quill. Let your cousin explain what I can’t. You need all the help you can get”

She assured me, eventually she made her exit, leaving me and Quill alone. Honestly I felt as if my grandma was glad for Quill to step in somehow. After settling in our spots at the porch table outside Quill began to speak.

“Well jeez… I don’t really know where to start… First of all how are you?”

“Me?…I’m not even sure… I feel I’m stuck in shock if we're being honest” This comment earned me a smile from Quill. Who was busy examining my neck and throat area carefully. I opened up my shirt collar to fully show him. I was still feeling tender and sore but there wasn't much redness anymore.

“Sorry I just have to see… When I seen you not moving on Emily's bed I was panicked…I'm just really sorry this happened to you—”

“Quill look I know you're feeling a bit guilty about all of this but it isn't your fault. I’m not severely damaged or anything. I'm fine infact I'm grateful to be alive. How many people can say they were attacked by a vampire and lived?” I attempted to comfort Quill who I could tell was feeling bad. He sighed and shifted in his seat.

“I’m really glad to hear that. Yeah… You’re right I don’t see much scars that’ll be left on you… So that’s good. Honestly… But look y/n… I'm sure you have a lot of questions… Right? About all of this and how you fit into it. I'm here not only to check on you but also uhh… In better terms inform you. So any questions you wanted answered I can help you with”

“Really?”

“Yes really all of us know how it is when you first learn about all… of this. It's confusing and hard. Doesn't make it easier on you since you were attacked” I nodded silently in agreement. Feeling assured by having Quill here to support me. As I sat I thought of what questions I wanted to ask.

“I just wanted to be the first to tell you of how much support you can rely on. In truth I’m so glad you finally know about this. It was a struggle for me not to say anything to you. But I want you to know you can depend on me for anything”

“Really? You were going to tell me before I was attacked?”

“Yes of course and all of us here who know about it. We just wanted to ease you into this life but shit happened so fast. But good thing is you finally know. We all support each other here and now you’re one of us. You’ll learn who all knows eventually” Quill said earnestly which even I could feel he was being honest. It was a true comfort to hear that from him.

“Thanks Quill. I appreciate it truly, y’know at first of course this was all scary, but since I woke up I somehow feel better about all of this. The more I listen and understand anyway”

“Really? I’m glad to hear that. Of course I don’t want you to be shy to ask anything. But I don’t wanna push your limits and overwhelm you y’know? Do you think you can handle it all?” He sat awaiting for my answer. I nodded and took a deep breath in as an attempt to calm my nerves.

“So shoot your shot and I'll do my best to answer”

“Okay… Can we talk about when you first shifted?” Quill sat for a moment thinking back. He opened his mouth to speak but paused once more. I could tell he was nervous about all this also.

“Ok well… I shifted a bit after grandpa died, sometime after Jake and Embry, it was crazy y\n. I was younger back then. I thought I was going through some crazy growth spurt. I was constantly angry or on edge. It wasn’t until Sam approached me along with the boys. Once they told me about everything…I just… I just tried to survive. Y’know? Its been crazy to adjust to. But all in all it isn’t hard to maintain. It’s definitely a different lifestyle I thought I’d live”

“Yeah that I can understand. But can I ask what about your imprint? Grandma was telling me about some little girl named Claire? What’s that all about”

“You heard about Claire?” Quill asked as he started to sweat. I could tell he was becoming more nervous. I nodded yes and awaited for an answer.

“You understand how imprints work right? I—I’m sure grandma told you by now”

“She did and I somewhat understand. Not as fully as I’d like to since everyone keeps telling me I define it? I don’t know to be honest. I’m just curious on what you and Claire’s connection is like. If you don’t mind me asking”

“Well… All I can say that part is true, about defining it, me and Claire for example. I don’t know if you know but she’s only four. For her… She views me as an older brother. And that I will be since it’s what she decided. That’s something I’m fine with, with our bond it’s sacred, and I’m blessed to be chosen as her sworn protecter. And in a way she’s also my own protector” After hearing Quill’s words it made me feel reassured somehow. Realizing despite this divine connection both can still have a decision on the matter. Maybe Paul really was my own sworn protector. It could even be that I’m Paul’s protector. Who fully knows?

“… How do you feel about being Paul's imprint?” Quill asked me and I felt my stomach rise. Not that I was feeling scared but I felt more nervous than anything. I wasn’t even sure what to say to Quill. Although I liked and respected him I don’t know who he is fully.

“I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel. I hardly know Paul and suddenly we're… we're… I don't even know yet…” We sat in silence for a moment before Quill patted my back again. Although I was struggling it was a comfort to know I have Quill with me.

“There's a lot you still need to learn about. But you don't have to figure out all of it today. Just take your time we all figured you'll be resting for the next couple of days”

“By we do you mean Paul, Sam, and the others?”

“Yeah… We're all pretty close… Soon you will be too” Quill said assuring me. Talking with him was making me remember how I was back at Emily’s house. Since I was so stressed I reacted pretty harshly to them all. I felt betrayed somehow and scorned. After the smoke cleared I feel I shouldn’t have behaved that way. I wasn’t sure how to face any of them again.

Paul crossed my mind as well, I wished to know what he feels about all of this, how he views this connection. Remembering how he saved me from a worser fate. If we are truly bonded then how do we move forward?

“Quill… From what I remember you guys are mindlinked right? Or is it interlinked?” I asked him and he smiled. “You can call it a mind link yes” he sort of laughed before correcting me.

“Well.. either way… can I ask something?”

“Anything”

“Do you know how Paul feels about this?” This made Quill straighten his posture, feeling he was nervous again, he sat quiet for a moment. Almost as if he was deep in thought. I wondered how their mindlink was for them to experience.

“I know a little a bit about the mind link. You guys can understand each other in the pack… right? Or maybe you can explain it to me”

“Well… Yeah… it's hard to explain. I don't know what Paul thinks exactly including the others. But I can feel everyone’s emotion in the moment if that makes sense. If I tap in now I’ll know what he’s feeling but not what he’s thinking of or seeing specifically. An example is I can sense he’s angry but I won’t know what’s making him angry unless I ask. —Not saying he is angry right now! I’m just saying as an example. Just to be clear ok?"

“Oh? Oh okay…”

“The only one who can send ‘messages’ at any moment is the alpha. Our leader who is currently Sam. He can send and cross the boundaries in our mind at any given point. It’s like a huge group chat when we're wolves though. We can hear every thought from each other wether we like it or not. This is to help coordinate us but most of the time we’re all pissing each other off"

“Really?… That's actually really cool” I said smiling at him. Quill finally relaxed after explaining everything. Looking relieved and proud of how I was handling everything. Quill paused for a moment before scratching his head. Closing his eyes to breath in and out. He was deep in thought before he sat up to speak.

“From what I can pick up and understand is Paul feels… Worried”

“Worried? About what?” I asked and somehow this made Quill laugh. Confused I raised a brow at him. He shifted in his seat realizing his behavior.

“More like what aren’t we worried about. Look y/n we're dealing with the vampires, Victoria, the cullen family, Bella and Jacob their whole mess, shit just straight up surviving. Next is your sudden attack—”

I felt the hairs on the back of my neck rise. As if all the nerves in my body were being alerted. Looking around I didn’t realize Quill stopped mid sentence. He too could sense someone coming. Suddenly a truck revved in the approach.

It was a huge black truck, I hadn’t seen it before, even if I did I wouldn’t recognize who owned it. It wasn’t long before they parked. Out from the drivers door stood Paul his self.

Looking at my phone I realized I had missed a 2 texts from him. One asking if I was up, and another that he was on his way, I hadn’t checked my phone all morning. Paul looked so big, he was almost taller than his truck, seeing him come closer I felt my heart race. I didn't think he would show up so soon.

“Y/N”

“Paul”

I called out surprised as he walked up to the two of us. I couldn’t help but take note of his build and size. Quill got up and grabbed his hand, in turn Paul pulled him for a hug, they did briefly before they both patted each others back with strength.

“Well I appreciate it Quill. Truly. Don't be afraid to drop by more” I said as Quill came over to hug me next. He agreed before pulling away to make his exit. Suddenly my eyes met Paul's as he walked over to sit down in Quills spot.

“It was great seeing you y\n but I gotta go. I just wanted to stop in and check on you before this guy did. While I was on my break anyway” Quill said as Paul smiled at him.

“You were lucky to not be on morning shift you shitass” Paul replied. At this point I hardly seen him smile. It made him look more kind I noticed.

“Ill message you guys later” Quill said as he slightly smirked at me. I felt my face flush warm, across my nose and under my eyes, I didn't even want to face Paul in fear he'll see my face like this.

His eyes were dark and fierce. I wasn't scared but more nervous, I felt super aware of myself, and how I looked. I didn't expect to see him so soon. I wasn’t sure how to face him after everything.

We watched Quill run to the treeline. Quickly shifting into his wolf form. I gasped and paused to watch him. Amazed at such a sight although it was quick. Disappearing fast into the tree line.

“It's good to see you. How are you feeling?”

“Me?… I’ve been better… it’s good to see you too… What brings you by?” I asked finally sitting down back into my chair. Hoping I didn't come off as too nervous. He smirked and kept his stare into me.

“Well you of course. How did you sleep?” He asked looking at me more than curious. Saying such words as if it were matter of fact. Being around Paul in a setting like this, with his questions, it all made me blush.

“I uh… I slept okay after I had my meds… I didn't really get to thank you or any of you guys properly for the help you gave me” I said which made him shake his head no.

“There's no need for that. We're all just glad you're safe… And—” he had paused before closing his mouth. Looking like he was afraid to utter another word. I furrowed my brows waiting for him to finish.

“And?”

“… Unchanged… Look it's just… We were worried you might've…”

“Unchanged?… You mean turn into a Vampire? Like Victoria?”

I finished his words since he was apprehensive. Paul looked a bit shocked I said so before him. But he nodded and agreed with me. I felt my heart rate steadily rising. Thankful myself I wasn’t changed.

Paul's eyes trailed down to my neck. Except his stare was intense, eyes lingering, along the collar of my shirt. I felt I was under a microscope.

His eyes wondered everywhere for a moment. But somehow I didn’t mind. It reminded me of how Quill behaved just earlier. I looked at him as I spread the collar of my shirt slightly. I wasn’t sure why I was so willing to show him my wounds. Maybe because I knew he needed reassurance.

Finally I realized I was sitting with my neck and chest flushed open. Almost as if he noticed how it was making me feel he pulled back and adjusted his self. His stare softened as I fixed my shirt.

“Sorry… I just want to make sure you’re not too hurt…” he said explaining his self. Eyes peering downwards staring at his hands. I smiled at his somewhat meek behaviour.

“It's okay that's how Quill was too. But I'm fine now, really, there isn’t much wounds or scars thankfully. The meds help with what pain I have… And also…” I trailed on nervously. I wasn’t sure how to bring up the imprint situation with him. I wasn’t quite sure how sensitive this was to him.

But Paul held onto every word I was saying. He awaited for me to continue on. Looking at my lips while I talked.

“Uh… I had a talk with him and my grandmother. About everything so far…” I said as he leaned in closer. Raising his eyebrows I could tell he was earnest in what I had to say.

“It was… Hard when this first happened to me. But somehow I feel more at ease.. Especially with what I know now… I feel sorry for how I reacted last night… it wasn’t right of me”

Again Paul shook his head, this time he made sure to face me, I looked up back at him. My hearts pounding so loud now I wonder if he can hear it. I also wonder how sensitive their senses are since they’re wolves.

“Don't be sorry for anything. If anything it should be me apologizing. I really am sorry y\n. I wasn't fast enough to be there for you in time. I should’ve just came straight to your place instead of you walking to meet me. Hell I should’ve just picked you up as planned”

“Paul wait—”

“You were never supposed to be in involved in something like this. Ever. If I wasn’t so slow in meeting you this wouldn’t have happened at all—”

“Paul—”

“If I was even a second late to get to you—”

I felt my hand reach across to him. Instead of holding his hand I touched the arm of his chair. Like an instinct I felt I had to stop him from speaking anymore.

“But you weren’t a second late. You were able to save me before anything happened. There’s no use worrying over something that didn’t happen. I’m here alive and unchanged shouldn’t that matter?”

With how silent Paul became I wondered if I said something wrong. Or maybe he was the type of guy who didn’t like people interrupting him. Either way I felt as if I did something to him.

Paul looked surprised at my words as he looked at me. His gaze softened and he took a deep breath. I could see his huge shoulders relax as he nodded in agreement. His brows were still furrowed.

“No… You’re right… I am really glad you are here safe and sound… It does matter” A soft grin spread across his face. I wasn’t with him long but already I wondered why was I ever scared of a man like this. If he wanted to hurt me he would’ve just let Victoria have me. Why waste his time?

“So… You talked to Quill and your grandma? What did they have to say”

“Well… They tried helping me understand how shifting works and everything attached… including um…” I paused feeling my stomach doing flips trying to say imprinting. But with Paul here so close to me. Staring at me intently holding on to my every word. I felt so nervous to even bring it up.

It wasn’t just some connection, this is serious, imprinting is a literal soul connection. As much as I liked Paul I didn’t quite know him yet. And this is a serious soul tie that somehow links us. Paul laughed slightly as my face flushed red.

“You’re feeling better right? I know you’re still learning things. Especially about imprinting”he said not even shy to admit it. As if he was looking for a rise in me he paused. I scoffed at him which earned me another handsome smile from him.

“We don't have to figure out everything right now y\n. I know this is a lot for you so I don't want to push anything on to you”

“Actually I want to talk about this whole imprinting thing. If you're alright with that. The more that’s explained I feel better” I asked Paul to ensure he was ready. To which he nodded his head agreeing with me.

“That's fine. So, what do you want to know?” Paul asked me curious. I braced myself mentally for what I was about to bring up.

“It's just… I don't understand what makes our imprint connection” This had made him stunned from what I could tell. He leaned back in his chair thinking hard. Paul’s overall energy is intense, even though he’s nice, I can’t help but feel intimidated.

“Everyone else has their own… definition. Quill and Claire they're basically siblings… Emily and Sam are going to be married… What about us?” The more I spoke the more I felt my face flush warm. I felt as if I was poking a sleeping bear to wake. Or in this case a wolf. I didn't know Paul enough to know how'd he react.

“Well… I don't expect you to remember but back at Emily's. I had told you that we both decide what our connection is. This imprint bond connects us mind and body. But we have to define it. For now let's just decide to be friends” Paul said with a sincere smile. I felt myself relax at ease knowing his thoughts.

“Friends?” I questioned him also a bit surprised by his suggestion. Paul had sat up straight in his chair hearing me say this.

“Or I could just serve as your protector. Nothing more. Guard you and your home for the time being. You're probably feeling uneasy about Victoria and all the other leeches lurking around—”

“I wouldn't mind being friends with you Paul” I corrected him. Of course I wanted to be friends. I just didn't want to force anything onto him. Friends is a great start to try and navigate this connection.

His handsome face smiled at me once more. And I could feel my heart beat quicken whilst looking at him. It was crazy to think how this imprint bond strongly influenced me.

“Alright friends it is then. But I'll still be serving as your protector anyway”

“My protector huh? How generous”

“It really isn’t. It’s the least I can do after everything you went through. This is what my role is as your imprint” I could sense Paul was serious especially with his tone of voice. All I could do was nod my head in agreement. Soon Paul stood up from where he sat.

“You’re feeling better right? How do you feel about us going to Emily’s?” He asked me as he looked down at me. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to see everyone. I hesitated to answer to which I think he could sense my unease.

“I think it’d be good for you to talk to all of them. They’ve been worried about you also. And I’m sure they can help you adjust to all of… this” Paul suggested to which I gave a weak smile. I shrugged my shoulders before I stood up to join him. I was going to have to face all of them eventually.

“Sure… I mean it’s just…” I felt hesitant about going back to Emily’s. To which I tried to explain myself to Paul. Who had turned to face me. His huge figure made it feel as if he was looming right over me.

“Don't worry we'll just go for a bit. If you feel uncomfortable or it's too much ill drive you back home. OK?” Paul said trying to assure me. I nodded as we walked to his parked truck. He had followed me to my side of the truck. Opening the door for me to get in I was surprised by his manners. Instead of questioning I just got in.

I couldn't help but like him a little more after such a gesture. As he walked around back to the driver's seat I adjusted my hair. Worrying about my appearance. Getting in the truck he smirked before starting the engine. Pulling into reverse and exiting the approach. He handed me the aux cord to which I refused.

“You don't wanna play music? I have bluetooth if you don't wanna use the aux”

“It's alright, you can put something on, it's your truck” I said as he shrugged his shoulders. Using Bluetooth he connected his phone to the stereo. A familiar song came on that surprised me.

“Is this /favoritebandsname l playing right now?” I asked curiously as his smile widened. His dark eyes still on the road.

“You like them too?’

Paul asked to which I nodded my head profusely. It made me happy to at least have similar music taste. From how Paul is I assumed he'd be my opposite. He had turned the knob for the volume up, the music blaring out the truck, I started to feel better. Definitely more relaxed and calm than this morning.

The two of us drove down the road, windows slightly open, as music filled the air. As I tried to mentally prepare myself to face everyone back at Emily's. Although It was a comfort to know that Paul would be by my side through this. I braced myself for what has yet to come.

End of chapter 6 what y’all think? To stay updated on new chapters follow me and turn on notifications 🤍

[mysticstarlightduck]

OC Interview Tag

Thank you so much for the tag, @kaylinalexanderbooks!!!! (here)

I'll go with Nimwen from Of Starlight and Beasts because I don't think I've done one of these for her yet!

Are you named after anyone?

"I was named after my paternal grandmother. My parents' marriage was severely looked down upon by my mother's side of the family, because Dad wasn't of noble birth. They decided to choose the name because it was a nice keeping my grandma's memory alive but also a little bit as a way to stick it to my maternal grandparents. Her relatives never really got over their union, and didn't rest until they got the King himself - who was apparently a family friend - to annul my parents' marriage. Her family then arranged for Mom to marry some random noble from a 'proper House' - despite her protests - and cast my father and I out of their social circle."

When was the last time you cried?

"Hmm. That's uh... quite the question, isn't it? Very personal all of the sudden, y'know (her hands squirm and she laughs awkwardly). Let's just say... I have nightmares, and some of them are more... severe than others and sometimes end up crying because of it. I had one recently. I won't go into detail about the dreams though - that's not for you to know. Only Scarlet knows, and even he doesn't know the extra gory details."

Do you have kids?

"Certainly not! I'm barely a grownup and I don't think I should be left in charge of anyone other than myself - Scarlet is always going on like (she mimics her adoptive brother's voice and tone) 'why don't you take care of yourself?' or 'didn't you think this through before doing it? Again, Nim?', so maybe I perhaps might not be the most responsible person to grace this earth. I know, shocking. (giggles). But in all seriousness, I have far too much going on in my life to even think about something like that in the coming years - unless you count my friend Syp as a kid, because he's the youngest of our bunch and is always following me like a little shadow."

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

"No, not really. I'm usually too nervous about hurting someone's feelings or being misunderstood in what I'm trying to say or causing a mess, to the point that I somehow end up just fumbling over my words and making a fool out of myself. Scarlet is the king of sarcasm though, he always knows what to say or how to come up with a sarcastic quip at the right timing. I'm not that lucky (laughs awkwardly). He says I'm fine the way I am and that I don't need to change to be like others, but I do wish I was more eloquent like him."

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

"If they're dangerous or could be a potential threat. I've learned the hard way not to trust too many strangers and still struggle with a lot of... ghosts from my past, per se, looking to strike me down so I've got to be on the lookout for anyone that looks like they could work for the King or the Royal Guard. I also notice their stance and if I can use the terrain around us to my advantage to escape if need be."

What’s your eye colour?

"Dark blue, like my Mom's! I've got Dad's long strawberry blond hair to remember him by though, so that's nice. It's like I've got a little bit of both of them with me at all times - which is comforting, and sad, and a little bit weird. But nice."

Scary movies or happy endings?

"Happy endings, happy endings all the way! I hate scary stories - there's enough terror, and gore and violence and hatred in our world, why should we be subjected to those things in the very fiction that is meant to let us escape it? I hate when the other kids in our bunch start telling horror stories when we're gathered around the campfire - it usually leaves me up all night thinking about it! I know this is probably very silly of me. But I still don't like scary stories one bit and I will keep not liking them until the end of time itself because I don't like being scared."

Any special talents?

"I'm very good at hiding - when you're the daughter of someone who was executed for treason he didn't commit, you learn to hide like your life depends on it, because it really does. Scarlet has also taught me how to shoot the bow and arrow, and I'm... average at it. If I really, really focus I can hit close to the target of my choice, or even hit the target itself if I'm lucky, but if I have to do so whilst moving that arrow is missing the target by a mile. I also know how to sew and embroider, as well as play the harp, which are things my father taught me when I was a child and I haven't really done in a while, so I wouldn't know whether or not I'm still any good at it."

Where were you born?

"I was born in the city of Sylla - which used to belong to another kingdom but was annexed by Tirawen around forty years ago. My Mom comes from a long line of Tirawenian nobles, who moved to Sylla when she was a child because they were given land - a lot of land - in the conquered terrioty by the royal family. My Dad came from a local family of much humbler standing, and he'd risen in the ranks of society by pursuing a career as dyplomat. It didn't end well, as you probably already realized."

Do you have any pets?

"Scarlet has a pet hawk called Arrow! I consider it my pet as well. My brother has trained Arrow to carry messages for us and to hunt. Sometimes he also sends it to scout terrain ahead to check if it's safe for us to pass. Arrow is the most adorable, cutest little bird of prey you'll ever hope to meet! He loves snacks and always chirps happily when you pet his feathers!"

What sort of sports do you play?

"Oh, many! The other kids in our little group of 'outlaws' are always coming up with new things to spend our time doing, so I'm never bored! If anything I'm the opposite. I'm also very good at running, climbing and jumping! And as I mentioned I have a passable knowledge of archery."

How tall are you?

"I would say average height, I never really put much thought into measuring my height, but I seem to be somewhere in the middle between tall and short. Scarlet is very, very tall, so I don't think he counts as a comparison, but my height is similar to that of most of our friends."

What was your favourite subject in school?

"... I uh, didn't really get to attend any of the schools and academies of the kingdom. With the whole 'my dad getting beheaded for treason' ordeal happened when I was really young so I didn't really get a chance. But I think I would've liked to attend the royal academies - I used to love books!!! I still do, but there aren't many opportunities to read when you're living in the forests as an outlaw."

What is your dream job?

"Okay, now, don't laugh, but when I was a little kid I used to dream of growing up to be a pirate - I loved reading tales about pirate adventures and the sort, and couldn't wait to see the ocean one day. I even got a cute little pirate costume for my sixth birthday! But I do realize now real life pirates probably aren't really that nice though. Nowadays I would say my dream job is to become something like a physician or an apothecary - I would love to help more people, especially those who don't have the means to afford healing, because the kingdom all too often tends to forget they exist."

Tagging (gently, no pressure):@steh-lar-uh-nuhs @inky-duchess @late-to-the-fandom @eccaiia, @willtheweaver @littleladymab @cabbojage @lassiesandiego @little-peril-stories @oh-no-another-idea @thepeculiarbird @rickie-the-storyteller @crowandmoonwriting @steh-lar-uh-nuhs @gummybugg @forthesanityofstorytellers @doublegoblin @aalinaaaaaa @starlit-hopes-and-dreams @elshells @clairelsonao3 @anyablackwood @tabswrites and OPEN TAG