#i am so happy he exists is essentially wat i am trying to say

[sangoshirei]

i love u low empathy but high compassion bart...

[alukaforyou]

and ALSO sry to post bs on main im mostly just talking to myself in my personal tag half the time so yolo, no need to respond to this or reassure me or whatever but these days i licherally question how much of my - sry to sound like a broken record - bs is dépression or just my shité mentality, like i rly was not designed to last, huh? physically or mentally? lol. like who gets motion sickness on swings lmao anyways. i think i give up too easily. theres a bunch of reasons y but i dont feel like saying. its a different thing to kind of kno something, and to admit / speak it (confront it). i could psychoanalyze myself all day and tell u exactly why some things are the way they are but its too unpleasant to neatly state stuff like that u kno?? like... *i kno* but im not gonna say i kno. anywho, i digress. so i give up easily and kind of have a defeatist mentality too, its so exhausting lool. actually its weird cuz duality of man, i'll be rly determined / stubborn abt doing some stuff and not care abt fear of failure with certain things but when it comes to My Life / My Future i just think i cant rly do anything? i mean that literally like i got no skillz *laugh crying emoji* not particularly good at anything, and art - the only thing im maybe arguably ok at - i dont wanna do as a career, that is art therapy for me i dont feel like commercializing it. not interested in working in my major, maybe things wouldve been different if i went to culinary or cosmetology school?? that sounds fun. or if i majored in bio cuz i was so good at that, or even if i majored in japanese language or literature or idk. but no regrets tho cuz i learned a lot abt drawing in art school which i can use for myself. and hmm i like staying home and not rly going out of my way to meet new ppl so connections what? i h8 hearing how most opportunities come through the ppl u kno cuz its true and ik like 10 ppl tops so hm very sexi of me :^) i just feel like im p much f*cked and it rly doesnt help that i have no functional dreams, goals, or aspirations nor the confidence and drive to work towards anything so ah ok cool. u kno suga's songs "the last" and "so far away" ? that p much sums up my feels minus the part abt having to deal w fame obviously LOL. its so easy being a student (for me at least) but being a good student isnt really worth a whole lot in the """""real world""""" and the current education system doesnt even rly prepare u for reality or w.e like Deep Sigh also the political climate rly lookin like shité out there like hmmmmm do i even wanna try so hard to be here anymore tho??? also going back to the self confidence thing, ya idk her LOOOOL like it doesnt very much bother me tho? i really, honest to god have no idea what my redeeming qualities even are. being nice? and my mindset re - tolerance and compassion for others, etc, ya im rly proud of that actually but besides that i mean like what can i Do tho like hm im not particularly good at anything also im hideous like uglee but thats ok too like none of this Bothers me, thats just literally how i Am so ok fine, but i feel like it makes it hard for me to exist in the world i happen to be in??? and i realize im speaking with a huge bias here cuz my brain is totally out of whack im p sure if some1 saw me / read this they would lit be like um u literally do not have it hard girl, which is fair ur kinda right actually from an objective pov, probably? its amazing how um. hard? of a time my brain is having given my relatively ok circumstances but thats just how it is ig. and if i may quote shakespeare - o full of scorpions is my mind. and its weird cuz duality of man - i actually have a lot of good times w friends and whatever i have a lot of fun, im not even very Sad or in Agony its all very a mild? sensation? but that might be because my plan b is to simply *** so nothing rly fazes me anymore lool.

its usually a v confusing emotion, im either feeling happy, or if not that, very ???? im literally that duwang quote get a feeling so complicated its just "ajdjsjsja" idk its not overly repulsive and upsetting im like :s LOL u kno wat at this point idek what im even saying anymore but its good that im writing whatever cuz im gonna need to look back on this later and organize my thoughts for presentation cuz remember i have a s.o now???? i wanna let them kno so we r on the same page, and i dont feel like im tricking them, i thought it over more and there are like 4? major cards i wanna lay out on the table early on and they are 1. im not that close w my family emotionally so do not seek their approval or expect to deal with them much. 2. personal ideology / political views like im bi lmao and pro lgbt if that wasnt obvious also i dont rly wanna be around racists / terfs etc and if ur right wing or not on that respect women juice uhhh bye.. 3. my weak ass mentality how i might Maybe *** in the future like no promise but errrr theres one more but its a little more negotiable and also too early to discuss so i wont mention it but i already got the first two outta the way so ya. theres the most troublesome of all, #3. the last thing i wanna do is traumatize someone that loves me (and i love back) with that kinda thing, its too late for my dear friends whom i love, sorry i didnt kno i was gonna be like this LOL yall already got attached but its a little different with my s.o cuz i feel like its not too late to uh.... stop getting as attached LMAO like dam i've known my girls for almost 10 years whereas i've only known my s.o for like a month.

and this is totally not gonna come across right but if my s.o very understandably desides to dump me id be SO RELIEVED LIKE WOOOO ok cool cuz like essentially what i'd be saying is you are getting attached to someone who's future is not as stable as other people, including u. *huge exhale* from the bottom of my heart, my bad lol. and then i probs wont ever get involved w. a s.o again, sorry to reference snk in 2020 but remember how e*win smith is single cuz he doesnt kno when he will ***? big mood. i have never acted out on my interests before but i was like ok for once lets go off the shits and do smth ooc, i uh... didnt expect for it to actually go anywhere tho so now im like ???? i shouldve thought it through more tho, like i felt low key irresponsible af and selfish and dumb for getting involved w. someone even tho i Know how I Am like...... Also i just lov being single and staying home and chilling alone lmao like i seriously...... never get loney....

ok so what was i talking abt? how the passage of time makes me nervous cuz idk how i can manage to keep up w it??? how i feel like i cant do jack shit???? that life is hard???? and maybe a bih just wants to rest? permanently?????? i think the most irritating part of all for me, like what i am most mad about at myself is that i have no dream. yikes. naruto, do u think thats sad? well yoongi said its okay, and what counts is just being happy, so i will console myself and forgive her and idk just try my best for the time being??

[avengers-nextgen]

QUESTION OF THE DAY!! What are the kids fears? You can include your own too. Mine are fear itself and isolation(I’m also claustrophobic) thank you!!!

For me I am absolutely afraid of spiders. I also have this odd thing where (because I’ve scored nationally in athletics) I’m afraid to be successful because I don’t want to be expected to win everything but I’m also afraid of failure because I don’t want to not meet my own goals and expectations. It’s a very complicated and deadly explanation which is part of the reason I have anxiety and ADHD. I get anxious and then my ADHD kicks in to distract me. Or my ADHD makes me randomly think of something that makes me anxious. So, you know, life is great. (Anyways, now that I’m less depressing)

James: James’ biggest fear isn’t really associated with him per say. He’s not scared of animals or heights etc. he’s actually quite terrified of Alex. Not because she’s scary but because she’s so easily trusting and naive. James is constantly worrying that Alex will try to do something that she isn’t capable of or that she’ll be betrayed by people she’s helped. Thalia: Thalia’s biggest fear in my opinion is not being strong enough. It’s both a physical fear and an emotional fear. She knows that aside from Alex she’s the brawn. Not being able prevent something that ends up hurting people she cares about when she could have been strong enough kind of wats at her. She’s also used to being the emotional rock-in a sense- since she’s not as easily phased by emotions. If she’s not able to keep herself in check she can’t help the others. Scout: Scout’s biggest fear is losing control. He knows he’s insanely powerful, it’s why his mother was wanted as a weapon so badly. Not to mention the knowledge he also has from his father. It’s part of why Scout is so reserved and calculated. He knows that losing control isn’t a good thing. Aside from that he’s also afraid of snakes. They’re deceitful things that are unpredictable and they remind him of the person he could be should he choose the wrong path. Piper: One of Piper’s fears is not matching up to people’s expectations. The problem she has that the others don’t, is that fact that everyone knows her Dad is iron man. She literally cannot hide from that fact. Every media outlet has its eyes trained on her to see if she’ll even come close to her father. It’s a lot of pressure. Another fear is being outed. None of the outside world knows she’s bisexual. This fear pairs up with the first one. She knows it’ll blow up everywhere, it’s inevitable, and the thing is- it could all be positive and happy responses but she’s still scared. It’s something that shouldn’t be blown so out of proportion. Her last fear is her reactor core. She can’t replace really, and this one luckily doesn’t give radiation like her father’s did. But if it’s jacked up she can die. All it takes is one slip up and Piper Stark is gone. Nathaniel: Nathaniel’s got two fears. One is that he’ll never be able to grow up. That he’ll be stuck in this hero role like his father is for the rest of his life. He loves his work but there also comes a point when you just have to step back and start your own life. Nathaniel is also the youngest and since he doesn’t spend a lot of time at home and since his siblings are all off getting married and having stable homes and jobs he thinks they’ll kind of forget about him. The last thing he wants is for them to remember their little brother because his name is announced on the news because he died on a mission. Siyanda: Siyanda’s biggest fear is not being the ruler Wakanda needs. She may be what they want, and what they envision, but not what Wakanda really needs. Siyanda is well aware that she’s young and she’s not the most politically invested compared to her passion for science and technology. She’d never forgive herself should Wakanda stumble during her reign and all of the good work Bruce done slowly collapse. It’s happened too many times in history for it to not be a possibility in her mind. Alex: Alex’s biggest fear is not being enough. She tries so hard all of the time to help everyone. What she doesn’t realize is she loses herself in the mix. She’s stretched thin all over the place trying to be the good the world needs. And the fear itself isn’t ‘not being good enough for someone else’ it’s ‘not being good enough for the world’. Not doing enough to legitimately change it. She’s desperately wanted things to be different ever since she was a kid and it feels like every time some big is achieved it’s torn down further than it was before. It’s a very viscous cycle because some part of her knows that what she’s asking herself to do is impossible, but the other part won’t listen. Bianca: Bianca’s worst fear is Bucky. Just looking at him makes her skin crawl and her self hatred flare. She’s afraid that people will use him to make others like her. Afraid that he’ll just try to scrap her for parts, essentially, and once she’s not a threat no one will care about her. Bianca’s afraid of not being someone of value. She’s just a push around kid and that’s all she’s ever really been. She doesn’t have an identity or a purpose or any sort of moral that really grounds her as a human being, as a person. She’s absolutely terrified of being empty her whole life but she’s so used to withdrawing herself in defense that it only worsens the fear. Fox: Fox’s fear is simply dying. Everything she’s ever done is for self preservation. She doesn’t want to die without having done something. It doesn’t matter whether it’s good or bad-as long as it’s something. She comes first before anyone else because even as a kid it was always survival of the fittest. Her only goal in life is to live- and to live a omg as possible with as much joy as you can possibly get before you inevitably die. Orion: (I’m not doing him simply because I haven’t had time to really integrate his character into things and explore him as a person) Sage: Believe it or not Sage is probably the most terrified person out of all the kids. She lives inside this impenetrable wall of defense. Every ounce of her exterior is specifically hardens because of how afraid she is. She’s afraid of physical contact. She despises it. She’s spent too much time as a kid bouncing around in foster homes and on the streets to know that when people touch you they only want bad things. She’s afraid of happiness, even if it’s all she really wants, because to her something is bound to take it away. That’s the way the world works. She’s afraid of lightning and thunder. Storms terrify her more than anything else in the world. She’s afraid of affection because he only people she loves died or abandoned her. Getting close to anyone means getting hurt.

And it’s very interesting because when you look at all of these kids fears they’re so directly correlated to each other. For instance James’ fear is rooted in Alex’s. James doesn’t want her to die because she’s trying to be the hero but Alex is afraid that she won’t be enough of a hero for the world. Scout is afraid of losing control because of his heritage so he remains stoic. Piper is afraid of things due to her heritage so she remains aloof at all times. If people never predict her movements they’ll never figure her out. Thalia is scared she won’t be strong enough and Siyanda is scared that her position gives her to much strength when it might not be what her people need. Nathaniel is scared of losing his life in the line of work both literally and mentally and Fox solely exists in her work. It is the source of her survival. And while Bianca is this empty shell of a person who looks as if she wears her emotions on her sleeve, Sage is really the one who embodies an empty persona when she’s bubbling over with lent up emotion.

(Sorry for the long response. I just got invested into it. I loved this question! It let me explore the kids a lot more!)

[thetravellingvagrant]

Day 6: Iasi- Grumble Warning

Ok, so, I've fallen a bit behind on posts and the one I was working on just deleted itself in a fit of selfishness, so I plan, over the course of today, to upload three mini-updates of significantly reduced length, in an effort to not send myself mental, trying to catch up. Don't worry. You won't be missing much.

So, let's speed through day 6; for the first time on the trip I had managed to let myself wake up naturally, without my alarm or (despite their best, snore-laden efforts) room-mates prematurely rousing me. Consequently, I slept until 12 and had managed to waste a good portion of my first full day in Iasi.

I shared my room with an odd Romanian man, who we will get to later and another, eerily quiet, fairly creepy man who had sat stock still, the previous night, not moving, even to check his phone when it went off, save for one incident, where he sauntered directly over to my bunk to thrust a piece of melon into my face, to ask if I wanted some. I did not. Melon is gross. By the time I had woken up, however, both men had vacated the room, with my melon based assailant seemingly having done so permanently. I was very glad of this fact.

After a genuinely infuriating experience of trying to drag my incredibly low-end laptop through the relatively demanding experience of trying to book accommodation for Cluj-Napoca; my next destination, through AirBnB, who had also arbitrarily decided that I, all of a sudden, needed to scan my passport into the website in order to make any further bookings, for some mad reason, I finally managed to get out into Iasi, to explore the city properly. Sort of.

The sky was badly overcast, meaning, that once again, despite it being pre-sunset, my jaunt into the surrounding area would be undertaken essentially in darkness. Regardless, I pressed on to my first objective of the day; to hoover up souvenirs, like a mad tat-vaccuum.

I stopped, for what I hoped would be a flying visit, though actually ended up taking up a good portion of what remained of my day, at a gift shop I had spied on my way in to the hostel, the previous day. A timid little man greeted me upon my entry and asked what I was looking for, for whom and what my budget was. I told him and he considered for a moment, before demonstrating at wearying length each piece of stock he felt fit the bill, which, as it turned out, was nearly every piece of stock he owned. After an awfully long time, he stopped talking and I picked the piece of tat I most felt would make an appropriate gift and attempted to pay. He insisted on gift-wrapping it, despite the fact that I told him I did not need it gift wrapped, nor did I expect the structural integrity of the wrap to hold up, during my flight home. But, no. He did it anyway.

I left and, after a quick stop at a nearby mall to pick up a fridge magnet, upon which my demanding (though still nice) girlfriend insists I bring back for her, I was finally ready to explore the city. Like, for real this time.

I sat in a nearby park and pulled out the comically huge map I had been given by the hostel

I mean LOOK at it...

before feeling a bit embarrassed and putting it away, after taking a quick photo of it to take note of the highlighted areas of interest. I decided, in lieu of a better plan, to saunter between them, despite the fact that most, if not all of them just seemed to be old churches.

The walk was nice enough, with my podcasts filling my ears to distract me from the low-key mundanity and creeping cold that was setting in, though probably not of any huge interest to the blog, as it can be summed up in the single sentence “I saw some churches”. I nearly went to a museum which featured exhibits on life in the area at around 4000BC, which sounded interesting, but by the time I had arrived, it was getting close to its closing time, and so I did not.

I ended up, instead, in a nearby park, which my giganto-map had told me, I my memory served, had inspired numerous romanian poets to create their best work. It was, however, by the time I arrived, a little after sunset, and so I was only really inspired to leave.

Finally, I made a quick stop at LIDL to buy far, far, far too many pastries to make my nine hour train ride the following day, less shit.

The LIDL, though quite nice, had the curious flaw of not having any baskets for me to use, hanging around. People had trolleys, but I had no idea from where they originated. Instead, I was forced to just sort of fill my pockets, tuck under my arm and otherwise clutch onto the not insubstantial amount of things I wanted to buy. It was awkward and uncomfortable and for some time afterwards, my hands more resembled talons, but I powered through, little soldier that I am, and made my pleasingly cheap purchases. I remembered to buy a bag for the walk home.

I returned to the hostel and set about my evening bibble before being interrupted by my strange Romanian room-mate, whom I had previously mentioned. He stumbled into the room.

“...Deed you see the city?”

“Sorry?”

“...Deed you go and look at thee ceety?”

“What, today?” I asked, feeling vaguely affronted, like he was judging me for being in the hostel so often, when I could be outside exploring this gloriously mundane town. “Yes, I just got back.” I challenged, adding “I was out walking around for like five hours”, just to make him feel like a real piece of shit.

He seemed to drop the subject and wandered over to the window.

“You know eet was snoweenk earlier?” he said, desperate to prove that I wasn't paying enough attention to the outside world, apparently.

“Oh” I replied. “No, I didn't.”

“Yeah, its stopped now, theenk you meesed it”

Oh, fuck off.

“Ah, well, there'll always be more snow...” I said, philosophically.

“Who knows, man” he answered back, also philosophically, but at the same time, stupidly. “Weenters are getting warmer, you know”

“Yeah, true...” I mumbled back, out of politeness

“When I was a keed, always such huge snow in weenter, but nowadays, not so much”

“Well, that's global warming for you...”. My stock reply to people talking about weather I'm not interested in.

“...I don't believe so much in global warmeenk”

...Oh, no.

“Oh?” I queried, knowing full well that I was getting dragged down this rabbit hole, whether I wanted or not.

“Yeah, I mean it maybe happens, but its effect is like a drop in the ocean, compared to the governments weather controlling”

“...Wat.” I thought, and also accidentally said out loud.

“You know, chemtrails etc, you know government controls weather right?”

I wanted to just nod and smile, but I couldn't bring myself to. I had never actually come face-to-face with someone who harboured such a stupid belief. You hear about climate change deniers, flat-earthers and anti-vaxxers, but you don't honestly believe they exist. They're like Santa, or happiness.

“...I actually think that's a very dangerous opinion to hold, let alone spread. There's literally no evidence or science behind it, whatsoever.”

“Ah, you know science isn't always right? These scientists theenk something and then, a few years later, eets replaced by a new thing”

“Yes, but it's always replaced with more science...not just a wild, mental guess”

I don't remember exactly what he said after this, but  I recall it being stupid. Something to the effect of “oh yeah? Then why do we have less snow now?”

I decided, at that point, just to drop it and be angry.

We talked a short while longer, before he vanished back into the common room to study for the university course he was undertaking while living here, which was also weird. Psychology, if you're interested, because of course it was. I have know idea what kind inperceptible mentalist lure has lodged itself at the heart of that subject, but, my god, it is there.

I bibbled a while longer, before sauntering down to finally use the shit, hostel kitchen to make some sandwiches; both for tomorrow's trip and tonight's dinner.

The climate change denier was in the kitchen, talking to some girl wearing a rough, loose fitting jumper, with her hair pinned up in neat dreadlocks.

“Oh, wow.” I thought to myself. The conversation I'm walking into is going to be fucking ridiculous.

“...You know why you're not supposed to eat fruit after a meal?” the man, let's call him Mental Andrei, said.

“Yeah, of course...” the girl replied, seemingly trying to make herself seem knowledgeable about a subject which was categorically mental and had no underpinning in facts.

“Because” Andrei continued “the food is already in your intestines and so the fruit goes straight through the stomach and go to the other food and it ferments and makes you feel sick. Maybe even make you vomit!”

I wanted so badly to tell him that what he said was fundamentally ridiculous; that a) food does not move from the stomach to intestine immediately after you eat it, that b) adding more food afterwards doesn't immediately mean that that food bypasses the stomach, like there's a big open plug-hole going straight through to your colon, which slowly closes again several hours after a meal and most crucially c) that humans have been eating and drinking fermented fruits for probably thousands of years, however, I kept tight-lipped, reasoning that to correct them would at best be a waste of breath and at worst, be an inescapable portal into their conversation.

I set about making my sandwiches, which were awful. Normally, I'd do a long description about how they were like someone throwing up into my nose and me snorting it into the back of my throat then swishing it around my mouth and that's what they tasted like, but because I'm trying to be brief today, I will simply say eating these sandwiches was like being kicked in the mouth by a shoe made of rotten meat. It was a sad, dry, gristly affair and I did not like it. Good thing I had just made four of them for tomorrow.

I then turned in to bed, eager to sleep, which which I did, after tossing and turning for a while, for at least an hour or so, before some absolute thundering prick decided the following things constituted acceptable behaviour; checking in at 3am; having a tour of the room and its amenities by the receptionist at this time; switching the room's lights on while he put took his stuff in; loudly and clumsily putting all his clothes away on /hangers/, directly next to the bed of someone, whom, for all intents and purposes, he could have happily assumed was still asleep; leaving the room, lights still on to have a shower, in the bathroom located directly through the wobbly cardboard wall from my bed and finally, coming back to bed to sit up, lights still on for a good hour or so afterwards, loudly coughing, turning the pages of his book and chuckling to himself.

It was a good thing I didn't have anything strenuous to do the next day.

...Oh, wait.