#i am so deeply ashamed of the way my family live bc it is genuinely abysmal but I've done my best to like. clean up

[l0stw00d]

Also yeah uh I have a friend coming over but like, this is a Grown Up friend that I made as an Adult. And I'm the only person home. So suddenly this is less "bringing a friend round after school" and more "welcome to my humble home :) I am a human person who Lives Here :)" and let me tell you I am overthinking this in like. 8 different directions

[bandofchimeras]

posting a lot rn sorry Im gonna readmore this vent that is a standin for next therapy session

i have a lot of trauma from losing my last few housing situations over interpersonal conflict and not having enough money or being good at managing my money. I was too ashamed to ask for what I needed until it was desperate and I had no options.

I have big decisions to make that are producing so much anxiety. and am burnt out. but also grateful and astounded at the miracle that is life.

so can't handle small talk right now. my whole chest is splitting open with the need to be somewhere I feel loved and safe bc I know who tf I am now....but knowing I have to make these next moves out of my own initiative

somewhere deep in my brain I know this isn't all my fault but I had to stop victim thinking to get myself out of the Hole and consequently just Shut Up about the Pain

the last people I lived with really wanted me to shut up and conform perfectly to the anxiously controlled life they'd constructed bc I was there temporarily

and for my part I was in depression self centered funk and coming out of abuse too brainfoggerd to remember the rules

One of them is a former mutual and he was also a transmasc person I had a crush on and we had a short little Thing

what they ended up doing was 1000% shitty asshole stuff like kicking me out in the middle of winter after I communicated I was in too much pain from moving in and work, and requested a two week extension, and trying to charge me illegal "storage fees" when I needed time to get my stuff after being kicked out.

my discord friends had to help me parse that these people were not my friends and did not care about me at all. I thought they did. but the guilt they laid on thick and blamed me for their actions has been dragging around my ankles for awhile and I just want to shake it off, I want to be okay and not soaked in guilt like milk toast

the situation also led to my car being stolen, getting in a crash, my cats health severely declining until she passed away this spring. just fucking wrecking ball on everything I was attached to for any sort of comfort or sense of reality.

Right before that my long term job that was....dubiously ethical, my sort of boss fired me in a similarly guilting way, and similarly could see exactly why they had a problem with me but I just, at the time I simply could not show up how I needed to. Not killing myself was an accomplishment. And this boss was deeply prejudiced against autistic people despite running a group home. I genuinely hated her guts for how miserable she made everyone around her while also recognizing I wasn't doing much better.

anyways through this time period kitchen work has become this attachment that toughens me up and feels doable while my brain is inflamed, despite being shit for my disabled body. I can't shake free quite. I don't have a permanent house and all my friendships feel weird and troubled in that way only mutual survivors of emotionally neglectful or abusive families and religious trauma can, like every thing I do or say can be wrong, or isn't giving someone enough attention or isnt the response they want or is bad bad bad bad

and so yeah, making new friends is hard

letting people in feels impossible

looking for decent jobs too

I'm not a mess in the way I have been but it's all messy inside and I'm sad and tired and very hypersensitive to rejection, every day breaks and makes me again and I miss writing and loving and feeling good

I thought pride would be so fun and make me feel better. It was cool in a lot of ways, but also grimly corporate and fangless and expensive, there were a ton of missed connections and the couple I went with was being nitpicky and hurtful to each other and even at the club dressed to the nines and dancing my little gay heart out I felt disconnected and ignorable (maybe it's just a Seattle thing, moving from a small-town environment into big urban reminds you you're nothin special all in all) and couldn't see the magic

I miss my ex or at least keep seeing stuff that reminds me of caring about her in that specific way and the bridge we tried to build across everything despite it all and I know we still care about each other just couldn't stop the fucking awful Bullshit, moving on would be easier if I could just dismiss people entirely

and at work things started falling apart too, my boss got super guilt happy at overworked caregivers and I lost all respect for him and was mega triggered and posted about it and embarrassed myself. theyre more okay I guess but everyone seems so demoralized and worn down by being criticized and used up and overcharged and under loved and I don't want to give any more right now, I want to rest rest rest and make art and I can't let myself while I'm living in someone's living room and both of us are working around eachothers mood disorders

meanwhile my family while making progress is still on about how I have to accept criticism of my gender identity if I want to talk to them about the harm done by their religious ideology and MEANWHILE I develop deep feelings for yet another unavailable cis man for bare minimum shit

i don't know I guess it feels like other people know how to have friends and love and enjoy things and I am missing the boat and if I don't change something indistinguishable super fast, it will be too late for me and I will continue to ruin every good thing that comes my way and.magnetically attract trouble

and it doesn't help that my attempts to connect online also feel desperate and awkward like I'm really a sick puppy who wants headpats but aren't we all they say

some days I do think overall it would be easier to Kermit but I can't do that to my siblings AND there are many buoyantly beautiful things bout life I am looking forward to like top surgery and kissing boys like I mean it which someday will feel real and not like a knife twist in the chest

also I haven't got enough sleep lately and my period came back so hopefully this stupid shit is more bearable in a few days I'm just gonna watch OFMD and hug myself to sleep and literally kill anyone who is a hater about the tiny things that bring me joy bc I am fucking doing my best out here to stay afloat and not yuck other people's yums either

[autistic-shaiapouf]

Same anon as before, I’m happy that you’re accepting yourself! That’s great news. I had a very similar situation where I was very embarrassed about what character my brain chose to project onto, but after working with my therapist and years of reflection I’ve realized it had to be that character because they were the only one I could see myself in, we were both abused in certain ways that made it like looking in a mirror, and being Him meant that I was able to protect myself because he could (character is someone “dangerous” in their world). So I really think it comes down to a reflection of trauma, and there’s nothing to be ashamed about. We coped with what our brains found the most comfort in.

If I can ask, what does your therapist think about it? Only wondering because with my therapist, they are aware we have fictives of this character as well as the system as a whole projects through him but I’m still trying to figure out if it’s part fictives and other part alters with psychotic attachments or if there’s something else at play as well like past lives (the old fictionkin community used to be big into that but I know it’s not so much anymore so I’m a little embarrassed but I am still a spiritual person) alr that’s all, looking forward to your response!

First of all, I'm glad to hear back from you anon!!

My therapist and I figured roughly the same thing happened with me! When I say I use this character as a therapy tool, I don't think it's appreciated enough that it's bc my therapist familiarized himself with the source - my therapist watched (and enjoyed) 148 episodes of anime for my sessions and I cannot stress that enough lmao; we're pretty sure that what happened was that I saw a lot of my emotional trauma play out again in front of me in his character arc, mostly in the way he perceives himself but also with how he struggles with his emotions and general interactions with the world (with my own difficulty with such coming from the climate of the family that abused me). He did serve as a mirror, not just of my own trauma, but also of what I wish I could have done, which was to lash out and genuinely own my anger and frustration and do something. Of course there's a lot more to it, but with just covering the surface, looks like we've had pretty similar experiences!

As for my therapist's thoughts on this, we actually haven't put any clinical labels on it. I personally like labels, they make me feel sure and certain about things in my life, which is why I tried to nail this down with the OSDD/DDNOS (complete with question mark) in my bio, but truth be told I'm not entirely sure I meet the full criteria for either of them, in spite of the genuine experiences I've had with what definitely feels like multiplicity of some sort. Interestingly enough, while I myself am not very spiritual, my therapist did make a mention that this is an experience that I could try looking at through a spiritual lens, especially since it's been coming up a lot more as I'm trying to rework some deeply held thought patterns. There's been a pretty positive outlook on it overall and he encouraged me to interact with it - the episodes tend to come with some specific thoughts and feelings, so we're treating them (and by extension, this character) as a sort of conduit for them, sort of like a messenger bringing attention to them. This is all some pretty specific info for my stuff though lmao, I just wanted to cover the ground as thoroughly as I could 💖

[alyjojo]

Someone I have had on my mind lately: my ex fiancé, Daniel.

Why: because I’m reading a book about this amazing guy that’s graduating from his seminary in order to be a pastor, and the girl feels awkward, uncomfortable and not good enough. And that is literally my story with Daniel.

May as well stop reading here.

The book says nothing about this on the back, I don’t try to pick things that make me reflective. On the contrary, I try to avoid all of that if possible thx.

Once upon a time: my ex turned into the biggest jackass alive and I hated him with every fiber of my being, in between tears 🙄

I did something I’d never do again, but wouldn’t tell someone not to do either?? My best friend made me get a Facebook, back when it was mostly college kids and I didn’t know that. I had a MySpace ok wtf do I need this thing for. *insert laughs*

So while on this new...thing, I was determined to meet new people. A guy. A better guy than the douchebag that stared at his watch for 4+ years. First I prayed, deeply. Help me find the right one that’s gonna make me forget this other asshole...whew lord I hated him.

I don’t remember what I typed or how I ever found him, but whatever it was, he was the first. Public page. All I saw was he was in college. Super cute and just seemed interesting, unlike anyone I’d ever known. Liked things I’d never heard of. Added him, and honestly expected rejection or nothing at all.

Funny things about my Astro chart: Scorpio 7th. This guy pulled me like a moth, Scorpio. Aries moon and rising. How in the how I have no idea. How was he single? Later...how would we ever work...

He immediately blew up my inbox flirting after adding me back, and the poking, waving, flirting thing when everyone did it, that was constant, always sending me funny videos of things I’d never seen before but loved.

He was, in every sense, 100% perfect. Looks, attitude, romantic, so ungodly (probably more godly though fr...) sweet it was almost kinda nauseating if you’re not used to it...which I wasn’t. At all.

He worked at the best children’s hospital in the city. He volunteered to hold sick babies, after his shift. He called me on his breaks and insisted I join him for lunch, every shift. He introduced me to all of his friends. He lived on campus in the most beautiful seminary I’ve ever seen. He brought me flowers every time I saw him. He seemed to not need sleep ever because he was stuck on me like glue all hours.

The church thing didn’t bother me at first. I went to an event with him and watched him...he was incredible. It started sinking in slowly. I was too in love with everything I saw & felt that was new.

My bffs bday came and we all went to a party. Had some (a lot) drinks. Idk how it came up, I think as a joke. Someone said so when are you two getting married. And he asked me. I thought he was joking, so I laughed and said absolutely. We’d been dating I think exactly 2 months at that point 😳

Next day. He has me pick out a ring. And I’m like wowww you mean...you really mean it. And I picked out a ring not even thinking really...it was the most incredible road I was walking down, without any of the substance that should’ve been happening inside my own self.

A week later and I guess dad was stalking my MySpace because for our Xmas visit he’s like “have anything you want to tell me?” 🤨

Emphasis on the 🤨 bc that’s his real face

I’m like no 👀 Becauseeee idk. I knew. Something.

So I meet his family. They are incredible. All of them. Accomplished, educated, so amazingly nice all of the time, and brilliant...they all played piano and sang Broadway musical songs in their living room. I was elated. And ashamed. I didn’t belong there, and that gnawing feeling only kept growing. All the inside of my head kept telling me on repeat is “you can’t be a preacher’s wife, who tf are you trying to fool?”

My friend at the time scolded me daily. “DO YOU LOVE HIM??” To my “well...I sure the hell want to” and she’s like “omggg NO, you’re making the biggest mistake, NO”.

Beautiful beautiful boy. I broke his heart the next month. I had to, I felt. I cried too much over my assholier than thou ex to be serious. That serious. Wayyy too serious. So instead I lived out my self proclaimed prophecy of being a douchebag.

Shortly after my friend posted a picture of my much older former boss, to which I had something inappropriate to say to HER not knowing they were friends 🤡 He was in my DMs by midnight...he was in the middle of a divorce and the mistress was...the actual mistress and she was fn crazy so...not having to have that title of drama starter or anything solid, that started quick as a flash. That was just supposed to be fun with no strings, and it was, mostly. That was the whole appeal. I liked that he was (is?) a douchebag, we shared a sort of kinship in that respect. He’s the reason I ever went back to that job, and the only reason I ever met my husband. He’s also the reason I liked my husband so much.

He is Gemini/Cancer with Leo Mars. I tend to have great relationships with both Gemini sims and Cancer moons, though separately. And Cancer moon is so gah damn manipulative. I was so alienated by the bs that the friendship part drowned. Can’t have both. Are you full of shit or is there something, it’s a constant game, which I learned rather quickly. I’d say it was off and on but it never really turned off or on, it just was. Like one egg in that basket, for the yolo.

Hubby is Aqua/Sag with my own Mars, heavy Cap. Polar Opposite.

Could not be more opposite.

And I felt 100% myself, safe, loving...right feels right. It had been some years by the time.

I have no regrets, except not seeing it sooner. My experiences led me the way I was supposed to go.

But I’ll always feel a little sad when I read this book, or am otherwise (quite rarely) reminded of Daniel. I wish I’d have never found him. I don’t think I ever could have believed someone so genuine & wonderful could even exist if I hadn’t though.

[meepface]

these questions seem very therapeutic and i have been havin a week so im gonna do em, please ignore me

1. What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?

say no to people!! post selfies and not feel ashamed of myself for doing so!! stand up for myself without immediately crying!! 

2. What has been on your mind most lately?

well this week i’ve been in kind of a negative headspace so i have sorta thought about how much easier dying would be than dealing with any of my problems, but i have also thought about how much i don’t actually wanna kill myself also so i’ve been feelin sorta trapped between ‘mannnn if i would just fucking do it’ vs ‘but i don’t wanna my mom would be sad’, so that’s a real fun time!

3. Right now at this moment; What do you want right now?

i wanna feel myself again honestly. i’ve felt super weird n distant from who i used to be and who i wanna be and i feel like im just floatin. i feel super dissociative and i don’t feel genuine in how i behave anymore like idek myself. another super fun time!

4. In order of importance, How would you rank: Money, Happiness, Love, Health and Fame?

love (not strictly the romantic kind), happiness, health, money, fame

5. What would best describe the way you have spent your time in the last month?

feel like i’ve been wastin a lot of time bein super unhappy. buuuuut i spent a lot of time with people i love last month so that was good. kinda mixed, neutral feelings about it

6. What is the #1 motive in your life now?

to learn how to live for myself more

7. In one sentence, who are you?

i would say i am an extreeeeemely sensitive and compassionate person who’s always tryin to do the right thing and make a few people laugh when i can

8. What do you want to be known for?

being good and kind and gentle and positive

9. If you had to move 3000 miles away, what would you miss most?

my family, my dogs, my girlfriend, my friends, my grandma, this local restaurant that has amazing pancakes, my university bc i really like it there, the general atmosphere of downtown Austin, my therapist, my bedroom. in no particular order

10. In one year from today, how do you think your life will be different?

hopefully i’m taking care of myself well, am happy in my current situation and if i’m not i am actively working to do what i need to do to fix that, maybe i’ll have finally gotten another job and have moved out possibly. who knows. just hope im doin well

11. Who makes you feel good about yourself?

my friend Stein, my mom, my girlfriend, my therapist, a few of my internet friends

12. What are the top 3 qualities you look for in a friend?

someone who makes me laugh, someone who is a good listener, someone extremely supportive and non-judgmental

13. What has fear of failure stopped you from doing?

joining a club and being more social in college, getting another job, moving out, making videos, volunteering at this abuse center i’d really love to volunteer at

14. What is something you have always wanted since you were a kid?

a golden retriever

15. What stands between you and something you want?

fear of change

16. What do you do when nothing else seems to make you happy?

i find something to calm me down and distract me, like a game or something i can play so i stop thinking too much. also talking to someone helps but whenever i’m not in the mood to talk i try to do something to distract myself, or go to sleep if it’s a good time to

17. What do you need to spend more time doing?

being with friends and family, writing

18. When did you first realize that life was short?

i mean i had a few near-death experiences as a kid but none of em i was like “wow i could’ve died and that would’ve been the end” bc i didn’t really process them like that when i was that young. one of first times that i can remember feeling really deeply anxious about how short life really is is when i saw a bad car wreck just last year that had just happened and (TW ahead) i saw a person dead on the road with his head smashed. that was so scarring for me and now wrecks make me uncomfortable and i used to drive kinda recklessly as a dumb suicidal thing but now i would never ever drive the way i used to. another time i can think of is when a girl in my grade who i had actually been close friends with all throughout middle school up until freshman year died in a car wreck and our whole school was devastated

19. What issues do you continually refuse to confront?

honestly i want to confront and fix or work on all of my issues lmao so

20. What is something a lot of people do that you disagree with?

there’s a lot of homophobic and transphobic people in the small Texas town that i work in and a lot of em say super offensive things really casually and i hate it so much. also a lot of people enjoy jolly ranchers which i will never understand

21. What is a common misconception people have about you?

i’m shy, i’m straight, i’m lazy, i don’t work hard

22. What is something no one can take away from you?

no one could pull me away from my mom tbh that bitch knows everything and no one can tell me not to tell her what they tell me bc she’s gonna know in the next hour

23. What is something you would hate to go without for a day?

ummm chicken probably. it’s all i eat

24. When you look into the past what do you miss the most?

how cheerful and happy i was in 2015 and some of 2016!!!!!! the fuck happened!!!!

25. What memory from the past year makes you smile the most?

hmmm probably the times my gf and i spent hours making out n stuff in parking lots bc we finally got over our fear of havin our first kiss w each other and went all out

26. What is the number one change you need to make in your life within the next twelve months?

hmmm don’t wanna share it but i know in my head the answer to this

27. If not now, then when?

when i’m ready and when i know for sure that it’s what i want. because right now i don’t know what i want with my life but i just know that right now i am not happy. baby steps

28. What have you done that you are truly proud of?

i gained soooooo much confidence after graduating high school. came out to everyone, told my mom i wanted to finally try to go to therapy which has been a blessing for me

29. What is something new you have recently learned about yourself?

i’ve learned where my dependency issue that i used to have super bad stemmed from. i’m kinda growin from that though. i still have residual anxieties that were caused by it but nothin i can’t work through

30. What do you want to remember forever?

hmm. probably that one quote that’s like “anything that costs your peace is too expensive”. either that orrrrr that one scene in the office where Jim gets drunk and crashes his bike into the bushes

31. What could society do without?

religion (yikes yikes yikes) (don’t hate me, just hear me out) - this doesn’t mean the spirituality of it but like..... the whole rules and order part of it. the ancient outdated books and everything being taken so literally in today’s world. everyone could have their own takes and believe in their own things and they can just be without feeling like they either have to go to church or celebrate a religious holiday or be a certain way bc ‘god’, whoever they may be, wants them to. idk i like to believe there’s a higher power that just represents love, in its purest form, and that’s it. that’s all you gotta know about them. there’s no rules to that, you just do with that what you will, learn from that what you can. does this make sense at all 

32. What is the one thing right now, that you are totally sure of?

right now i am totally sure that i shouldn’t have started doing this survey bc i am exhausted and i have work in the morning but i’m definitely gonna finish it

33. If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would you say?

be kinder and gentler, thank you

34. What is something that you said you would never do, but have since done?

this is uhhh super emo but i didn’t think i’d live this long and here the fuck i am

35. What is something you changed your mind about when you grew older?

my feelings about The Gays, since i grew up to be one and when i was little i was terrrrified of that idea. i didn’t care if other people were but when it came to me i was like noooo way jose. also? the concept of marriage? i’ve become super apathetic towards it. i don’t care if i end up married or not anymore, i will commit to someone for life regardless and i don’t need a ceremony and anything official to prove that. buuuuut that being said, if my future partner wants to be married, i’m 200% there and i’m already starting to think about our wedding color scheme. man. idk if i’d rather wear a suit or a dress at my wedding

36. What didn't last forever, but was still worth your while?

hmmm maybe my current therapy stuff?? i know one day i’m gonna stop going to therapy but man have i learned a lot and man have i grown. i truly think everyone needs to go to therapy at least once in their life, you learn things that are valuable in every aspect of life

37. If you could go back and time and tell the younger version of yourself something, what would you tell?

you’re not stupid, you’re allowed to make mistakes, maaaybe ask for the braces that aren’t clear bc those just made your teeth look massive and you hated yourself while they were on and you can’t look at pictures with them even years later. aaaand they made you super insecure about your mouth and smile even years down the line so, please dodge that bullet if ya can. also you’re super gay!

38. If you knew you were dying in the next 60 seconds, what would your last words be?

finally

39. When it is all said and done, would you have said more then you've done or vice versa?

hmm i’ve probably said a lot more than i’ve done, which i wanna change. if i’m understanding this question right

40. What question do you often ask yourself?

what do you want? what do you need? which of the two is more important?

[hawkanine]

I feel like an orphan again.

I just am deeply hurt and sad due to my adopted mothers inability to love me to the point of me removing myself and my two children from the family. I kinda need to vent, I apologize in advance because it’s gonna be a novel...

Growing up I was never treated the same as my brothers, all older, all biologically my mother and fathers. My mother wanted a daughter so badly, which is when I came into the picture. I had different rules, more strict, I wasn’t allowed to do things like stay up and watch/finish family movies on holidays. I remember sitting on the stairs hiding where I could see the rest of my family together and try to see the movie. I wasn’t allowed certain foods because my mother insisted they affected my behavior, though when away from her at camps or with my favorite uncle and aunt I would consume such foods and be fine. That same uncle and aunt would speak out against my mothers treatment of me, I’m not sure if it was ever directly to my parents. But they would tell me they saw it and i wasn’t deserving of it, I deeply love them and appreciate them for treating me with kindness and love and I think it drove my mother crazy how much I loved them, and when I was 12 my parents stopped talking to that side of the family. I personally think in part because of that. Since becoming an adult I had my mothers own cousins and aunts tell me they didn’t think she ever treated me fairly. Her justification was it was because of me, my behavior, I had to be treated differently. Once she told me when I was an infant (they got me Dec 26, 1985 when I was 3.5 months old) I wouldn’t look at her but I would look at everyone else, and she held it against me and resented me for it. When I was 7 I began what I could only describe as an illustrious run of therapy, talk, behavioral, cognitive with wires glued to my head, medication after medication, a natural specialist who would “prescribe” me about 6-10 supplements in the morning and 6-10 at night. My entire life was me being a bad investment. In my long email to my parents imploring for her to treat me and my children with more respect a portion of what I wrote:

“Lastly, I don’t want this, I never did. That being said. Without an apology and without a commitment to better treatment of myself and my children we will remain apart from the family for any future occasions or holidays. I understand all the hours and days and weeks and years you have invested in me. This is what I feel like and always have is a failed investment. I’m supposed to grovel for all of the help and support given to me, because I was always the problem child, the broken one. I understand the stress, I understand the ferocity of your advocacy for my health and wellbeing. It is not lost on me. It can’t be, I’m never to forget how grateful I am to be to you, for doing your job. One you signed up for, willingly able body able minds to be my parents. It just seems like you spent so much time fighting for me that you don’t seem to even come close to knowing me. You don’t know what I’m capable of, you don’t know how smart I am, you don’t know anything about me. Because the way you treat me is like an invalid. I will not allow my children to feel this from you. I will not accept this any longer. I am not a child. I will not be treated like one, and poorly I might add. You fought and fought not even understanding what I needed. I needed respect and fair treatment, someone I felt I could talk to, someone who I needed to explained why. I needed things to make sense. My entire childhood I didn’t understand why. I just needed things to make sense. That’s what I remember from growing up. Alone. Confused. Unheard. Unwanted. I at 33 years of age finally feel like I am able to start to embrace who I am someone I’ve been deeply ashamed of my entire life. And one of those root causes of me feeling that way was how I was made to feel about myself. I lose my temper at the kids often. I yell. I swear. I ground them. But at the end of every single adult tantrum I have toward them I ask if they understand why I lost my temper. I have conversations with them about how their behavior will eventually be habit and eventually be who they are. I explain I care so so much about how they turn out, I get upset I get worried and I lose my temper. I apologize to them for yelling and we say we love each other we give hugs and kisses. My children do not want for any of the answers to all of their whys. Because I couldn’t ever live with myself if I let them go to bed one single night feeling how I did the majority of my life. I refuse to treat them like they are stupid. I treat them with all of the respect I didn’t get and still don’t. I by no means am saying you were terrible parents. As I stated, I’m well aware of everything you’ve done for me. But with no respect toward me, it sure is incredibly difficult to feel grateful.

Please consider what I’ve brought to the table. Consider the consequences I’m willing for all of us to suffer. Something needs to change and it’s not me and it’s not my children. You’ve taught me well by example when family doesn’t treat you right, it’s completely acceptable to abandon family. Just like you did December 27th to me.

Let me know which route you’d like to proceed with. I genuinely hope it’s not the one that my kids and I lose our family. But my first priority will be and always will be protecting them and myself.”

(Back story my mother was supposed to watch my kids on winter vacation so I could go to work. She offered I accepted. She did a few things immediately bulldozing her way into my home and upset my son and my children were going to my ex’s and he got an extra day bc of New Years so I wouldn’t see them til Tuesday the 1st, I didn’t find it acceptable that because she didn’t care if she upset my kids, that my last minutes with them would be with my eldest upset. I told her she can’t do that, and she left calling me abusive. This is a newly acquired position and not one I’m willing to risk because she’s a petty narcissist.)

Her reply stated I’ve said things like this before and she doesn’t want messages like the one I emailed again, and proceeded to then completely disregard any and all things I addressed. My reply to that was I see you’ve made your choice, that it broke my heart and to not expect to see me or my children at any future family functions.

It sucks. It sucks that I have this family I don’t know, it sucks I was put in a home that didn’t accept me, that didn’t treat me the same level of kindness as the other members, that I was made to feel broken and like I couldn’t ever succeed at anything, I felt unwanted, alone, and from a very young age so deeply sad I would sob myself to sleep asking God why I had to live, why He put me in such a hard life. It all sucks. I feel as though I have been robbed of two families. I feel alone in the world. And I feel like no one could understand. A lifetime of pain at the hands of those who should love me and protect me from what they caused me. But today I said no more. And I feel like an orphan again.

It just sucks.

[monicugh]

i just feel some of the closest people in my life are taking my happiness personally and i’ve been crying about it a lot lately

for once i feel like i finally met some huge fucking goals that i’ve set for myself and or have wanted to reach for a very long time. in a lot of ways, i’m the happiest i’ve ever been, and it’s really shitty that some important people in my life just can’t be genuinely happy for me. i’ve been a people pleaser to the extreme for most of my life, and it made everything a living hell. i wasn’t putting my wants and needs first. I was suffering and i thought that, should i start going the other route, that would be selfish and bad. i mean how could i deal with the crushing guilt of making myself a priority?? 

well now my mental health (knock on wood) is better than it’s been in a looooong time. my therapist is amazing. with her help, i’ve been trying to set boundaries with family members that i never would have set before. she’s trying to help me be more assertive and stand up for myself (something i’ve always had a very hard time doing and still do tbh) in all aspects of my life. i’m just not going to let anyone let me feel bad about it. i honestly and truly do not think i’m doing anything wrong. despite massive push back from some people, i’m standing my ground on this, because i’m realizing that i need to be the most important person in my life and not feel guilty about it. that doesn’t mean i can’t still sacrifice things for other people. that doesn’t mean i can’t be kind or understanding. that doesn’t mean i can’t have deep, meaningful relationships, it just means that when push comes to shove, i refuse to throw myself under the bus anymore

for example, i understand it makes my sister uncomfortable when she can hear my bf and i have sex. i DEFINITELY don’t want her to be able to hear, and i don’t want her to feel uncomfortable. i only get to see him once a week. we have sex as quietly as possible. noises are kept to an extreme minimum on purpose. like if a position is making a more audible skin on skin slapping noise, we stop and change it. everything that’s said is said in a whisper or quiet as possible voice. the one thing i can’t do much to help is the sound of my bed, and even then i’ve been trying to do things that make the bed quieter. we are both making an extremely conscious effort to not let anyone know what’s happening. is this ideal? absolutely not, but i understand that i don’t live by myself, and i can’t be screaming or anything. do my bf and i both much prefer feeling uninhibited and does he massively prefer when i’m vocal af? totally, but we save that stuff and other activities that make noise for hotel nights that are few and far between. am i making sacrifices? yes. do i think i’m making them for very valid reasons? yes!! i’m not complaining, i get it. there are boundaries. it’s incredibly valid and reasonable that you don’t want to hear someone else having sex. but in turn, if i’m doing all of that and someone still hears a bit of it? honestly? too bad. put on some headphones, listen to some music? idk but i refuse to feel ashamed about it.

I can’t wait until everyone’s asleep, bc my sister stays up all night. i can’t go downstairs to the guest room bc apparently now squirting is a part of my sex life (and not something i can really control at this point) and i’m not gonna risk fucking up the guest room bedding and having to secretly wash it all every week. ofc i can’t tell her that, she’d freak out even more. frankly, it’s none of her business why i can’t really go down there. that, and i fucking hate the basement. my room is my comfort zone. and sex is spontaneous, it’s not like we turn toward each other and are like “would you like to? okay we will start now.” and i realize that is my flimsiest reason of the bunch, but still. i know she doesn’t hear it every time. i know she doesn’t. she said she hears it around once a night every time he stays over but we’re doing like 4 times every time he’s here, so point blank, she’s just not hearing it all. and i feel like she specifically listens for it too which makes me feel uncomfortable. it costs exactly $0.00 to mind your own business.

this is my first boyfriend and we’re still in the honeymoon phase as far as i’m concerned so ofc sex is going to be happening often. i wish we could go to his house instead. i wish i had my own place (and hopefully this summer i will), but until then, this is me trying my best to fully enjoy my relationship and keep the peace at home. this is my compromise. i had roommates. i lived in a dorm and an apartment. sometimes you start hearing certain noises, and you just think hmmph they’re fucking rn aren’t they? guess i’ll listen to some loud music or something and move on with your life. sex isn’t gross or shameful. it’s a part of life and if i’m trying to have silent as possible sex and you still hear it, we’re gonna have to meet halfway somehow. 

i end up anxiously waiting for a string of demeaning texts from my sister every time after we finish. i check her blog the next day to see if she wrote a mean post about it. when she doesn’t, i breathe a huge sigh of relief and am happy that i didn’t disturb her that sunday. i feel like she’s been so hostile towards me for the past few months that i’m scared to talk to her bc i assume she’ll start throwing insults and i feel like she has a very hard time with seeing things from someone else’s point of view, especially one v different than hers, and constantly having to justify my thoughts/actions/opinions is exhausting. she’s not willing to have a conversation. so many times she just attacks me instead, and then i feel like i’m on the defensive which is not a constructive way to resolve any issue. 

and then there’s the passive aggressively attacking my relationship. “i don’t understand why people want to have sex all the time. that’s not the only part of being in a relationship. it’s like have an actual real conversation sometimes wow.” as if i don’t talk to my bf every single day about so many things other than sex!!! that is not what our relationship is built on! it’s about emotional support, closeness, companionship, shared interests, emotional intimacy and vulnerability, etc. but i shouldn’t have to justify that to anyone ever. 

this new thing, having a boyfriend, is not the only thing i care about in my life right now. i still deeply care about my friends and family. i still have hobbies and interests outside of it that i’m still 100% fully invested in. it’s not the only thing i think about. i have to censor myself so i don’t talk about how happy i am too much. i try not to bring him up, but i want to bc it’s a very exciting thing in my life right now. and when i do bring him up, i worry that i’m doing it too often or annoying the people around me. that’s so fucked up. i shouldn’t feel like i have to keep my happiness to myself as to not “hurt the feelings�� of the people around me. i wish they could share my joy instead of pushing against it. i’m changing and growing a lot as a person, and i feel like some people want me to stay stuck where they are instead