#i am so afraid of the future i am afraid i will have to work till the day i die
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full credit for the video of this conversation goes to @/imgoinmental on x
if you turn emmrich into a lich, he cries alone in his room because he misses manfred:
davrin: emmrich. i think assan misses manfred i caught him in your room sniffing around, looking for him. emmrich: he's always in there searching for crumbs. davrin: no, he was whimpering. sad. emmrich: poor thing. davrin: when i was there looking for him... thought i heard someone else crying, too. emmrich: ah. davrin: i miss him, too. don't know what i'd do if i lost assan.
i want to gather my own thoughts here, too, a bit because this made me think more about The Decision(tm) and it's a heavy one: emmrich's entire life's work and his own fear of dying being put behind him (although not ever acknowledged or dealt with in a healthy manner) vs bringing back a companion, whom he had loved as a son and who gave his life for him.
personally, i think this, coupled with the reaction to rook's possible death in the final fight or even in the far away future as evidenced by the argument they have prior (both on the human and on the lich path, though i am only showing the lich path here as it is relevant to the discussion):
emmrich: i can see the life course through you, my love. like a thread of diamond flame. yet... emmrich: i will lose you to time, rook. what if i can't bear that for eternity? rook: that's the most romantic thing i've ever heard. emmrich: what? rook: remembering me forever? emmrich: i'm afraid i'll mourn you forever. rook: that's ridiculous. emmrich: do you think so little of what i feel for you? rook: no! emmrich: then you could act accordingly.
i also always think about this line by emmrich's parents' graves:
emmrich: lately, i've wondered what they'd think of our current course. the choices ahead. rook: your lichdom? emmrich: what would they have wanted me to be? rook: [option: never lonely/locks in romance]: happy with someone that cares for you.
the very first condition is that he must be able to let others go. he’s not nonchalant about his own death, not about manfred's, and not about rook's. he doesn't want to be alone.
i think in conclusion for myself, i came away from all of this very much believing that emmrich is not built for what lichdom requires of him and entails over the many, many centuries to come.
i wish the game offered more romance / character scenes to actually meaningfully address and discuss not only the argument with emmrich, but also his fear of dying.
(disclaimer: i want to clarify that these are just my own personaly thoughts. choosing lichdom is a valid path, depending on how you rp your rook, your backbackground and how you engage with emmrich. i am only looking at this through the lens of myself experiencing the game and emmrich's character.)
#emmrich volkarin#manfred the skeleton#davrin the warden#assan the griffon#dragon age 4#dragon age: the veilguard#da4#datv#da4 spoilers#datv spoilers#ch: emmrich volkarin#ch: davrin the warden#vg: dragon age 4#series: dragon age#misc: video#meta: myda4
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Hi! I'm still feral for these two, would you mind giving us some art of them in their later years together!?
Hello angel!!!!
Sorry it’s taken so long to respond🫶🫶 but I wanted to draw some new art for this ask💓
We have: Sebastian and Eloise trying out their new fancy camera with a selfie, pictures of them with their daughter, and finally…idk I just always felt like this drawing is when they’re a bit older💓
I want to take this ask as an opportunity as well to talk a little about how I imagine their future (I have no chill & you can ignore this and just enjoy the art if you want😇).
I am a COMPLETE pantser - I never know how a chapter’s going to end when I start writing it (I always just have a few scenes I know I need to include to keep the plot moving forward). Although I have different *big* scenes I’m always writing towards, and themes/plot elements I’m always foreshadowing (shout out to @elliecutte for catching *almost* all of my hints and appreciating my general no chill😆), IM STILL NOT 100% SURE HOW I WILL END THINGS !!! 😳 I have a lot of endings I see as possible, and I think soon it will become more clear to me what will work the best💓
HAPPY ENDING:
Eloise and Sebastian become Unspeakables. I have a LOT of thoughts on this profession that could be its OWN post, and I feel like Unspeakables are generally specialized in one or two departments, but as their interests/research change they also change.
Eloise becomes an Unspeakable in the Mind and Death departments, with the occasional foray into Time. Her ancient magic is connected with all of these things (my version of AM is NOT like the game) & the Department of Mysteries is one of the only places that gives her any useful information about these things. Plus she thinks too much (it IS her hobby after all😆💓) and is very introverted so a hermit job like this is a perfect fit.
Sebastian becomes an Unspeakable as well, but I feel like it takes him a long time to specialize in anything, if he ever does. I just feel like becoming an Unspeakable is the adult equivalent of sneaking into the Restricted Section🥹🫶
They grow old together (I won’t explain TOO much) & have a lovely little family🥹 at least one daughter that they both dote on. Sebastian had an amazing childhood (idyllic until it wasn’t), and wants to give his daughter the same, and Eloise works hard to make sure their daughter feels the love that she never had growing up🥺
When Sirius is burned off the family tree, Eloise and Sebastian take him in🥹🫶 (they’re like 100 years old but WIZARDS LIVE LONGER…) The same happened to her all those years ago, and she wants him to know that his whole family hasn’t abandoned him.
Eloise LOVED her nieces - Bellatrix, Andromeda, and Narcissa - when they were younger, but as Voldemort becomes more powerful & people realize WHAT he’s doing, she has to separate herself from them. Her heart breaks seeing Bellatrix go mad, and seeing Narcissa engaged to a Malfoy out of obligation😔 (iykyk)
I haven’t thought any more about happy ending but I think it’s fun to think about how their future story might weave in with the actual canon events, ESPECIALLY since Eloise is a Black🥹💓
SAD ENDING:
After Sebastian gets his hands on Slytherin’s relic, it really starts to consume him and makes him even MORE obsessive than his natural tendencies - I imagine it similarly “talking” to him like Slytherin’s locket/horcrux did in Deathly Hallows (😳)
Eloise is deathly afraid of the changes she’s seeing in Sebastian and steals it from him (he would never willingly give it to her ESPECIALLY if it starts to feel like a precious item to him)
BUT the relic triggers the latent Black Family Madness in her - the madness that afflicts almost every woman in her family since…🤭 - and she herself starts to lose touch with reality. Her body and soul are already destroying themselves between the curse and the ancient magic inside of her, and the relic is what triggers it in her.
Sebastian becomes an Unspeakable, focusing on the Mind, in a desperate attempt to find a cure for his Eloise🥺
He never gives up his research, and sometimes when he comes home she is lucid and they talk about his research - otherwise, he just loves and takes care of her.
(He’s never successful in finding a way to reverse what he feels he caused in the first place - his ambition and single-mindedness is, to him, the reason why all of this happened)
Honestly who knows if I end their story either of these ways😌 I just love thinking of AUs and different endings and I have a few others I’ve considered as well!!! And whatever endings I don’t write will be immortalized on this blog and in my art as well🙏
#thank you for the ask!!!!#I have no chill when I answer these things which is why it takes me so long to answer them🥲#ngl I think the sad ending is quite romantic#but maybe I’m too chicken to follow through/what I have planned could change a lot & it won’t make sense anymore#and like I’m not COMPLETELY evil I like seeing them happy too🥺🥺#and I also really love the Black family & all of the canon characters…OFC I had to insert Eloise in that family somehow#and her mother was the PERFECT age !!!!!!!!!!! (according to the family tree)#I ALSO have a lot of thoughts on the Gaunts and actually how Ominis’s blindness prevents him from going insane like the rest of them#seem to have done by the time Tom Riddle’s around#(something something blind people can’t hallucinate so they can’t get psychosis)#hogwarts legacy#hogwarts legacy fanart#hphl#hogwarts legacy mc#hogwarts legacy oc#eloise babbit#sebastian sallow#sebastian sallow fanart#sebastian sallow x mc#hogwarts legacy fanfic#also Sebastian’s childhood is just based on mine#I grew up in a TINY village and spent all day running outside and having adventures like crazy or readinf like crazy no in-between😆💓#ask
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*aggressively vibrates in lawzo zoro birthday celebration, i am on my hands and KNEES (still reeling from blackbeard beating ASS btw)
you know, same have some more train au birthday goodness
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“Happy Birthday.” Law tells him against his lip, tasting his smile. And morning breath. But mostly the smile.
Zoro hums contentedly. The sheets rustle as he lifts his arm from underneath them and strokes along Law’s biceps. “Thanks.” He mutters when the pull apart. His eye still bleary as he wakes up, smiling lazily.
“I made breakfast.” Law tells him, earning himself a raised eyebrow. “Well I made coffee and went to the backery for breakfast.” He admits and Zoro’s small smirk blooms into a full toothed smile that crinkles the corners of his eyes and reveals the dimple in his cheek.
Law shuffes away to grab the bags of pastries from the side before he starts ravishing the man and Zoro sits up.
“Oh, breakfast in bed?” He asks. His hair is gorgeously tousled as the sheets pool in his lap, torso naked. “What about the crumbs?”
“I’m making an exception today.” Law says. “And changing the sheets after.”
Zoro snorts, chuckling before he grabs a handful of Law’s shirt to pull him close for another kiss.
“You know you don’t have to come to the party tonight right? I know it’s not your thing.” Zoro tells him.
“Oh, good to know that’s how I can get out of these in the future but no. That wasn’t the intention.” Law replies. “Bepo’ll be there and I’ll hang out with Robin or something all night so it’ll be… fine.” He says.
Zoro snorts, pulling pastry bags towards him. “Alright but you can leave whenever you want. Luffy tends to get carried away with partys so it’s probably going to be bigger than you think.” He assures him before biting into a jelly filled danish.
Law nods dutifully. “Yes, I will.” He lies. Zoro’s intentions are admirable but he clearly has no idea that Law absolutely cannot cave under the combined judgement of all his friends. Law has been preparing for tonight for weeks. Thankfully Kureha made good on her promise and he got to skip the gala this year so his quota of public events hasn’t been purged yet.
And he genuinely doesn’t mind some of Zoro’s friends. He already knows Franky and how to deal with him, so that helps and he met the mysterious fiancé Robin finally, who is more of their own temperament. Quiet and cheeky.
Chopper can be persuaded to talk about work since he isn’t currently mad at Law for something and Jimbei and Brook are, by virtue of being much older than everyone else, their own brand of weird that Law finds more tolerable.
So it probably won’t even be that bad.
He feels Zoro’s gaze on him, sees him chew with a big chipmunk cheek and a raised brow.
“Ah, right.” Law says, leaning over to his bedside table to get the little cloth pouch out. “Present.” He adds lamely.
Zoro freezes comically, holding the pastry bag over his lap, frosting sugar clinging to his top lip. He rubs his fingers into the bag to free them from crumbs as he finishes chewing.
“I thought I’d already gotten one.” He tells him.
Law frowns, dropping the pouch into Zoro’s hand. “What breakfast?” He asks.
“Yeah.” Zoro says examining the little pouch. It’s a crushed purple velvet with a ribbon holding the top closed.
Law doesn’t know how to respond to that. So he just doesn’t.
Zoro puts the pastry on the side table, leaning down to wipe his fingers more thouroughly on his discarded jeans on the floor before he undoes the ribbon and opens the pouch. He tips the contents into his palm and Law watches his reaction like a hawk.
His eye widens, mouth opening softly as he straightens out the earrings in his palm. They are quite similar to his usual set, long narrow drops but instead of the shiny red gold these are a white gold matte finish.
“Shit.” He says in wonder, thumb brushing over the metal. “These must have been expensive.”
Law cringes. He’d been afraid of that. “Err.” He makes a vague motion with his hand. “They were on sale.” Zoro gives him a look. “They were! And I’m terrible at gifts if I see something good I’m obliged to get it.” He argues, scooting closer on the bed. “And I can afford it. Please? Unless you hate them then just sell them or something.”
Zoro searches for his eyes, holding him hostage for several long moments as if waiting for the caveat. Eventually he hooks a finger in Law’s collar and pulls him into another kiss.
“Thank you. I never had another set.” He mutters against Law’s lips, taking like sugar and jam.
“You’re welcome.” Law tells him. “There is another thing.”
Zoro closes his eyes and drops his forehead against Law’s. “Stop. This is ridiculous.”
“That ones more for me too.” Law says, digging into his pocket while his heart hammers against his chest.
The key lands next to the earrings in Zoro’s palm.
This close he feels Zoro’s breath hitch briefly before his fingers close around the objects in his hand. The other one comes around Law’s neck. “You sure?” Zoro asks.
“Yeah. You’re here more than I am anyway so it only makes sense for you to have one.” Law tells him.
He barely finishes the sentence before his lips are devoured and his lap filled by a beautiful naked man climbing onto it.
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hey guys thank you for the lovely responses to the interest form, I appreciate everyone calling me handsome and amazing and tall, and also to everyone calling me an idiot you’re in fact correct but guess what you’re the one filling out the form and I’m the one who made it so shut up shut up hahahaha. Sorry. I don’t mean that, please don’t shut up I’ll be very sad if everyone shuts up and I’ll have no one to talk to. This post is to address some of the things that you pointed out as us having forgotten, and we preemptively apologize for burying important info in this mess. It’s like a scavenger hunt! Or bureaucracy. Take your pick.
how humble we are (true, true. So humble. The humblest.)
smallishbeans (I’m fairly certain we remembered this one)
an ego check (yup, still there)
Eefo (you’re so right it’s a crime that we’ve forgotten him we will rectify this mistake immediately)
many variations of “timeline?” which we answered in this post
that you, the form fillers, are tall and handsome as well (indeed)
that one of you was watching shrek 2 as they filled out the form (good job. We approve. Not that you should care what random people on the internet think of your taste in movies, but 👍)
more smallishbeans (it’s like they knew)
how much one of you loves ldshadowlady, sparkle heart emoji (true and real. Only correct take. We also love ldshadowlady)
chicken murder (we decided to put the chicken murder before the form rather than in it, so as not to distract from your form filling experience. We apologize if this isn’t what you wanted, we will be sure to include more chicken murder in future forms.)
A spot for obvious professionals in form filling to rate the form, so they had to do it in the what did we forget box. we received the following ratings: 5/10, 10/10 (< a genuine thank you to whoever submitted this one), 0/10 (:(), 7.3/15, 6/20, and several more
multiple variations of “age limit?” Which we answered in this post
Jeremys blessing (which we actually didn’t forget you stupid idiot haha I’m sorry I don’t know what came over me I promise you are not a stupid idiot even if you don’t finish reading forms before submitting)
that one of you likes shrek but is cooler than us so really the form is egregiously incorrect (egregious is a bit harsh. More, stupendously incorrect! Or, fantastically incorrect! Also, if you’re so cool, why don’t you prove it by participating in the zine huh? Huh? Thought so. 😎)
That I am cool, and I haven’t forgotten but you wanted to remind me (I am mod Dinn and I approve this message)
our epic arson related plan of action for when the ship burns (I’m afraid I have some bad news for you…)
“Can I join??” (yes)
hey it’s you dailyboatboys let you in let you in let you in (absolutely)
other words of affirmation that we greatly appreciate. Everyone who called me cool, handsome, amazing, and other good things or who complimented the form or who expressed excitement and interest in the zine hold a special place in my heart. I read through every response so far and to every person who said that I was really cool, or that they were super excited for the zine, or that the interest form was really good, or that they were so down participate, thank you. Now enough with being sappy back to answering questions, lightly worded hate mail, and people who are also obsessed with Joel smallishbeans!
you’re all idiots (due to limited funds we cannot afford to purchase our own suggestion box, so we are currently borrowing the permit office’s. Did you hear that sound that sounds exactly like sizzling lava consuming a piece of paper with your eloquently worded submission on it? That’s the sound of our complaints department hard at work to remedy this issue. Thank you for filling out the form!)
can you write ships? (This is a really complicated question which we have a lot to say on so we’ll make a separate post explaining more in depth, but the gist is: yes, but that yes has an asterisk attached with a footnote a mile long)
a spot for ideas about what pieces you may contribute, which is actually a good point we’ll probably poll about what things people most want to see/art pieceify (writing is art too) at some point. As for your admission of obsession, gender-neutral-dude, what do you think we are?
these are just some of the responses we received, thank you to everyone who has filled the form out so far, and you haven’t, what are you doing here go fill out that form!!
-mod Dinn
#smallishzine#smallishzine asks#smallishzine being idiots#joel smallishbeans#smallishbeans#smallishbeans joel
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I love (sarcasm) that the two options for working when disabled are:
1. Work at the risk of (permanently) disabling yourself further. Go home to a paycheck that won't cover much, but at least you have money. Fight the urge to cry when you're home because you're in so much pain and you can't do basic things anymore
2. Don't work. You'll be in just as much pain, plus you will have even less money. Getting a disability check probably won't cover anything, but chin up! A single dollar is better than no dollar, right?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Nobody should be forced to make the decision to work or starve, but there's an added layer of torture when your body literally cannot handle these options. My heart goes out to us all, the world can change for the better
#disability#ableism#ableism tw#i'm still in pain after this shift i am feeling so fucking pissed#NEITHER of these are necessarily a 'privilege' and there are layers to this fucked-up cake#having money is better than having no money. but nobody should have to put their lives on the line because there is no. other. option.#i'm glad i can work but i'm so afraid of my body and my safety and my future. i'm scared that i'm only going to Get Worse because of work#every disabled person on government support should get $60004737 as their funds for the month#also point two is sarcastic are the end if that wasn't clear#kinda scared for my future ngl! 👍👍
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...
#ay. tomorrow might b the day i face the music#which is to say. i tell my advisor how fucked i am. i mean. ill spin it so it doesn't sound so bad#its just that ive told him like 2 weeks in a row that id send him my edited preproposal and i have not bc im too afraid to start reading#papers related to my project. which is frustrating. and like the thing is. and i kno ive said it before and i kno im not a fucking idiot#i can read papers and i can even understand what theyre broadly saying. but thats it.#zero critical thinking. zero insight. i use all my tiny fucking brain space to try to understand the words on the pages#and even then it only forms this broken fucking image of whats being said. like u dont understand. i used to struggle with writing papers bc#i couldnt fucking connect what i was saying from one paragraph to the next when i was the one doing the fucking writing.#what the fuck am i doing here? and again. im not stupid. i can follow the information if its fucking said out loud but thats not how this#works. and it just feels like sometimes there's a limit to what you're capable of and im at that fucking limit. the undergrads in my lab#have more ability to comment on papers than i do. its so fucking frustrating and i just have to live with knowing itll never get any easier#so what the fuck can i do other than drop out? theres no god damn way im gonna pass a comprehensive exam. not unless i buckel down and break#myself in half to try to retain all the information i need to. which requires that i read so many god damn papers that i cant fucking read.#just. why tf did i pick a career path where my suffering is inherent to a huge part of my job? i feel like ive consistently chosen to take#the hard path in life and ive finally stumbled too far from what is possible for me#so well see what comes out of my mouth tomorrow when i have my weekly meeting. i just feel like its my last semester#i feel like this is it. i just need someone to fucking hire me. bc everytime my lab mate mentions something abt#my project down the line or talks abt future conferences i should attend. im just like. its a nice idea but that's not happening. im just#at the end of the line and it sucks#unrelated
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Finally got caught up on my notifs! I usually spend time here each and every day, but I’ve been gone for 3! I’ve been working really hard lately to make some extra money because I’m moving to a new apartment. Moving is expensive! As I was working, my iPod broke, and that was the device I used to keep up with Tumblr. Now I’ve gotta do it on my phone, which I was trying to relegate strictly to business. Oh well.
The biggest annoyance is that all of this extra work is taking time away from my art projects! That’s the classic issue I guess; I need money so I can’t work on art.
Idk, I felt the need to vent a bit but I’m really not feeling to bad. I’m actually quite excited! Lots of work to do, so I’d better get back to it!
If you’re reading this I hope you’re doing well! Best wishes!
#I hope my mutuals see this but I’m afraid to ping them!#i probably should have posted this before reblogging anything so it would get pushed as a “this user posted for the first time in a while’#oh well#I am very excited about the future#I’m excited about the move#and I’m excited about showing off the things I’ve been working on#I am slowly getting better at these new skills I’m trying 😁
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#just some thoughts#that might not be what people want or need to hear right now#but i need to say them and who reads this anyway#i'm sad that the show is officially over in spite of all the efforts to turn it around#of course i am#i love the story and the characters so much#but personally i find easy consolation in looking forward to whatever else rhys will do in the future#stede might be gone but rhys is not and everything he learned is not#i will see him act again and i'm so excited about that#so that's the good part of my thoughts#the bad part of my thoughts is fear tho#i fear that max is being a bitter little shit to us on purpose#because we dared to push back#we made it a Big Thing and made them look bad and now they're hellbent on making sure we get nothing#that's what it feels like#maybe other streamers wanted to take over but they made it impossible in one way or another#and then the headline about them targeting fanartists#idk the timing is suspicious idk#and maybe they even have the power to make sure we never get a dvd just to fuck us over#i don't know how these things work but i am afraid#and that's everything off my chest kthanksbye
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man, how do people keep their hope up?
#it's so fucking difficult#and i know it's easier to give up#and o don't want that... but how are you supposed to keep going despite everything?#especially when you don't really know people... idk man#i think community is more important than ever#i want to... i want to make friends and keep them#i want to build a future and be happy#i want the L word#and i feel terrible for even writing it down because wanting stuff isn't necessarily something that works for ne#like... what if it doesn't end well?#i can't keep losing... I've lost so much... I don't think i could make it through another one#but I'm also so fucked#i can't even stay sober and i get angry and i leave claw marks and i can't let go and i am afraid people will leave#and i want them to stay vut when they do i feel like i don't deserve it and i push them away even when i have to hurt them#because that's easier than opening up about how desperate i am#how desperately i want them to stay and fight for this anyway because I'm fucked in the head#god....#alex talks#delete later
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I'm glad the "Satire requires a clarity of purpose and target lest it be mistaken for and contribute to that which it intends to criticize" meme is getting critiqued in its usage because... While the sentiment itself is absolutely true... I feel like sometimes, perhaps, it's not a work of fiction's fault that you're personally bad at picking up on satire
#im thinking about how i saw a person say futurama is bad because bad things still exist in the future#and its like. thats the point though?#the joke is literally the idea that if we never learn and grow from these problems as a society these are the hyperbolic extremes#that they would come to etc etc#do i think it was all well handled? probably not. it had a 14 year run im sure it fumbled lots of stuff and has shit that doesnt hold up#but i feel like dismissing it entirely based on just-#''but bad stuff happens. and i want the future to be better so this bums me out'' is just dumb LOL like thats literally the point#theyre taking the problems of today and making them into crazy hyperbolic extremes to mock them THATS WHAT SATIRE IS#there is a clarity of purpose youre just bad at picking up on it. NIXON WAS THE FUCKING PRESIDENT IN THAT SHOW FOR CHRIST SAKE#WHAT ELSE DO YOU THINK ''AMERICA'S FAVORITE SUICIDE BOOTH SINCE ****2008****'' COULD MEAN?#idk. this site is bad media literacy r us why take it seriously. but i am. bc its frustrating#bc that quote on its own is sooooo good at explaining why some ''satire'' is bad and doesnt work#but ppl who dont know how to engage w media beyond a surface level have taken it and turned it into like#''this is bad bc i didnt get it'' ok. sounds like a you problem.#but posting this is scary bc im afraid itll be used for the other extreme .-.
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Why am I so fucking depressed this weekend. I feel like I have no friends, no family, and no fucking future.
#would i feel differently if my mom loved me? thinking about her a lot#i think it's just the adjustment period to this new job and living in a new city#plus this is the job i was working so hard for and i can only stay here for 5 years so what am i gonna do after this?#i have so much anxiety#my new co-workers are all married with kids and families and houses#my office mates are both married and have been bffs for 10 years#their parents come and visit them all the time#like god i wish i knew what it was like to be someone's priority even once in my entire life#but i never have been and i probably never will#I'll never have a great love of my life. never have a family. never own a house#I'll never get a phD. never get a tenured position with sabbaticals i could spend doing research in Europe#what the hell is my future going to be?#whatever it is it's going to be lonely#I'm not afraid of being lonely. I've been so my entire life. I'm just tired
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Tags rant
no general theme i just want to yell about stuff
will delete later i think
Upd. I am doing better but won't delete it because archiving purposes and I like to reread stuff like that as diary entries and think "haha what a feeble minded fool i was"
#i think i am now extremely unhappy with my art#all i do is doodle or draw stuff for college that i don't really like#and i mean#it's fun and all#but i don't feel like it's art#and i think i started dreading doing full rendered art#because it will take so long and i need to make sh*t in 5 minutes#i don't know if it's an adhd thing or i'm just impatient i don't know i don't#and i'm sad my faith hyperfixation is fading away because it was so fun#i want to draw john but i don't know what to do w him anymore#i was never good with fanart#fanart is so freaking difficult how do people come up with good ideas all the time#all i can think about is oc stuff but it's almost never pretty and#i don't knowwwwww i am dreading i'll have to work with art#why did i think being a designer is a good idea i want nothing to do w it#i am so afraid of the future i am afraid i will have to work till the day i die#it's scary i am scared i want to do nothing i am tired for no reason at all#i have no idea where to even... live?#i should save up and try to leave this God forsaken country#but i am mortified of living on my own#i am just#i'll be fine i'll cry for a bit and everything will get better#but i am not very happy rn i'm sorry#that's about that i'm really sorry i am just scared#I WANT TO FEEL GOOD FOR MORE THAN 5 MINUTES AT A TIME PLEASE
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this will either end in like happily ever after marriage or the worst soul crushing devastating heartbreak of my entire life and I'm not prepared
#barks#when is anyone ever prepared for that tho#if we ended things now it might mitigate Some pain#but id always wonder what if and probably even go back to him in the future to see if we did have something#if we go for it and it ends later#i will literally be so crushed#and i cant let him know that bc thats what hes afraid of#hurting me#there is so much i am not telling him bc i dont want to scare him away#this can rly only go 1 of 2 ways#either we will die together or break up at some point#thats how relationships work#and idk how great our odds are#given the state of the world#given our backgrounds#i want to try :(#but that means accepting the soul crushing devastating heartbreak as a potential future#sorry future me#i gotta go for it
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say what you will about 2017 but atleast when i was in high school tiktok and generative cheating ai werent a thing yet
#ranting in tags lets go#someone told me they used chatgpt for a uni assignment and complained that it was all wrong. like no fucking shit? are you perhaps stupid?#chatgpt is always wrong this is so well documented and its also well known that ai is bad for the enviorment genuinely what is wrong with u#i dont remember the last time i lost my appreciation for someone so fast. if you use chatgpt for any reason i dont respect you point blank#god. mind numbimgly infuriating. i cannot imagine doing high school with this and having kids brag about not doing any work. are you stupid.#are you fucking stupid.#we all know about the learning gap crisis this isnt about this. even my uni teacher encouraged us to use it (BRO YOURE A TEACHER) and i#didnt and its. well! i guess i know why so many people failed i guess!!!!!! fuck!!!! i hate it i hate it so fucking much i feel like im#losing my mind. why do so few people care about this. i hate ai i hate it i hate it i fucking hate it so much die if you use ai die die die#this doesnt even touch on tiktok. it was juust on the cusp when i was in school it wasnt yet this massive fucking everyone and their mom#algorithmic mind numbing knowledge gap nightmare. i hate the future i hate technology and its booms and i am very afraid for future genera#tions. the internet was a mistake. im so tired. i hope chatgpt goes bankrupt and everyone is forced to think and use their brains and write#their own essays and shit again. god.#adventures
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#ven.txt#hit with a sudden bout of depression bc there's a possibility I'll never be able to play games with someone anymore#like maybe possibly in the future they'll have free time#but they're an adult now and living an adult life#meanwhile I'm still the same and i dont have a job or a house to worry about#and it breaks my heart because ofc im happy that they're doing well and working hard#but i miss the old days when we played together until 3 am laughing and screaming together :((((#and i feel selfish but i also feel all alone again......#im so sick of drifting apart from my best friends#i dont ever want to lose contact with her and I'm afraid of that happening#i dont know what to do
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#...........................................................................................................................................#i think today was it#i think im about to be fired from mailman job#i said that if this job doesnt work out#theres nothing left for me#ive tried everything and nothing is worth it#idk why ive been alive for so long other than being bad at everything including kms#i have no one#other than people who dont accept me for being myself (trans/bi)#at this point if anyone were to try and help me id only be a literal burden#i feel so much like shit im privileged yet i cant seem to even take day to day well all i can think about is cutting myself up but then#if i dont die its just gonna be another problem for me to deal with on top of that i dont want people looking at me like that#id rather die i want to die i need to die#everybody i get close to leaves me and heaven forbid i a mentally ill person show symptoms of my mental illness and the people that have#said that theyre here for me gets pissed when i unfriended them on steam and that im abandoning them#when i cant even function alone#the only thing im afraid of is being alone or being betrayed#all of my friendships have ended and thats all i wanted in life was to have friends who helped each other out but not only do i not have#any of that i dont have a future even for myself#dont interact with me unless you have a good idea on how i can kill myself ive been done since i was 15#“itll get better” im 25 and privileged i should have nothing to complain about yet here i am getting worse by the minute for over 10 years#its never gotten better only worse and ive been fucking sick of it#please someone help me leave quietly i dont want to bother anyone else
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