#i am so afraid of the future i am afraid i will have to work till the day i die
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The Chosen One
Part 3
Writer's Note: A short one for this evening! More to follow tomorrow. Sending all the love X
Word Count: 1k
Warnings: Mild Taunting/Teasing // Mild Fear (nothing descriptive)
Use of She/Her/Lady - Female Pronouns
Part 1 // Part 2
After the dining festivities, Aurelia retired to her quarters. She was guided back by Alba, who asked her, “My Lady, did you enjoy your evening?”. Aurelia nodded toward her maid, “Yes, it was nice to spend some time with the Emperor.” Alba smirked, “My Lady, do I see a blush forming on your cheeks? I do not recall adding some before we left for your evening.” Aurelia giggled in return, “Alba, please behave.”, almost crawling into a shell of herself. Alba left the subject alone, and opened the large door to the living quarters.
“Lady Aurelia, please allow me to help you change into your bed clothing.”
Aurelia followed Alba to her dressing room, and saw the silken robes laid out for her. They were a beautiful peacock teal colour, with embroidered flowers along the edge. Aurelia was astonished how the dressers had managed to sum her sizing up precisely without so much as a consultation, with the robes fitting her to a tee. The robe reached floor length and appeared to float in the fine wind with her every step.
“Alba, I am exhausted. Is it okay if I am to retire to my bed chamber?”
Alba looked in astonishment to her instructor, “My Lady, please do not ask of my permission. It is for you to do as you please. I am here to see to your every need. Can I get you anything before you retire?” Aurelia shakes her head gently. “Well then, let’s get you to bed.”
Before the ladies made their way down the hallway, a knock appeared at the door. Alba ran to reach the handle, but before she could arrive, the doors burst open. Emperor Geta stood with great poise.
“Thank you for your service, you are excused.”
“Caesar, I-”
“Excused.”
Alba nodded curtly, and swiftly exiting the room, closing the door behind her. Aurelia swallowed a firm gulp. Geta made his way toward her, pawing at the silken sleeve which draped slightly over her hand. Aurelia shuddered at his close proximity. Looking down into her eyes, he said “This colour complements your complexion so very well. Soft. Hm.” Aurelia stood silent, not knowing how to respond.
He walked away, “I am here to speak with you on a one-to-one level. We have not had the opportunity as of yet and I’d like to get to know my future wife better.” Waltzing over to the sofa area within the quarters and spreading himself across the vast majority of the cream-coloured sofa, he stated “Sit.” Like an obedient dog, Aurelia followed swiftly perching herself on the sofa adjacent to him. Maybe Caracalla had a point, she thought briefly.
“So, who are you?”
“Where do I begin?”
“Anywhere, the very start preferably. I have time.”
Aurelia saw that flash of genuine care again, before it returned to the icy front.
“Well, I am the daughter of a farmer father and vendor mother. I have two brothers and we lived on the outskirts of the capital. We are a hard working family and very close knit. I miss them very much already.”
Geta leaned back, “Go on.”
“I help out on the farm, gathering crops and any harvesting fruits to give my mother. I keep our home clean and tidy. I make dinners. That’s all really.”
“Hmm… Aurelia that’s all very well and good but that’s not what I asked. I asked, who are you? Not ‘what are your family like?’, not ‘what do you do every day of your monotonous life?’”
Aurelia was taken-aback. She didn’t know how to answer his question. Who was she? What had she achieved in her lifetime? What did she enjoy? What did she dislike? She was truthful, “Emperor, I do not know. I can’t answer your question.”
Geta got up from his seat, afraid she had disappointed him, he said “Aurelia, two things. Firstly, it’s rather sad you don’t know who you are.” He took her chin into his pointer finger, tilting her head up toward him, “But fear not, we’ll work it out together. Secondly, when we are in private, do not keep such formalities. No Emperor, No ‘Sire’ – just Geta.” Aurelia simply nodded.
“Say it.”
“Sorry?”
“Say. My. Name.” He started to pinch her chin, tilting her head further back.
“Ge-e-eta.” She stuttered out, feeling confused with her feelings as this was going on. Was this fear? Fear, with a degree of lust? She looked into his brown, verging on red-hued eyes, feeling as though she was being sucked in by some form of enchantress. They were like pools of pure chocolate, and she felt like she could dive in and wallow there all day. Snap out of it – she tells herself. She hardly knows this man – this dangerous man – yet the danger was what intrigued her.
“Again. Say it again.”
“Geta.” She stated much more confidently, not breaking eye contact from the fierce ruler.
This seemed to appease him as he smirked at her, abruptly dropping her chin and turning on his heels. Walking toward the door, he stopped in his tracks, turning over his shoulder “Tomorrow morning, you will meet with one of the palace’s designers. They will begin to sort the materials for our wedding. You can pick and choose what you like. I will review and that’s that. Good night Aurelia.”
Aurelia curtly nodded and half-bowed, “Goodnight,” she remembered what he said “Geta…”. He paused for what felt like an eternity, but said nothing and exited without saying a word.
She stood there dumbfounded. What was this feeling, so sudden and new? Rushes of what felt like light shone through her, blood travelling to anywhere it can flood, mind racing at 110 miles per hour.
How was she to sleep now?
Part 4
#emperorgeta#emperor geta#joseph quinn#joseph quinn imagine#emperor geta imagine#emperor geta x reader#marcus acacius#lucius#gladiator 2#fanfic#emperor geta x female reader#gladiator ii#emperor caracalla#caracalla x reader
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Every now and then I think about how tragic a character Vaggie is
Like most people don't understand the suffering she most likely went through for as long as she was in Heaven under Adam as her mentor and main authority figure and probably the closest thing she ever had to a parent. And Lute, competing with her, maybe having feelings for her, being betrayed by what was probably the closest thing she had to a friend.
What most people don't get is the heavy weight of expectation that's placed on you for having a singular purpose and needing to perform it well. They don't get how seriously that fucks up your self worth.
I am so sick of people saying she's "underdeveloped" and "only exists to be Charlie's girlfriend". I will say, I'd love to get more insight to her backstory. I'd like to see her on her own, bonding with other people, but what we have right now doesn't take away from her core character.
Vaggie doesn't understand how to work for herself, how to live for herself, because she was probably never taught. She's been taught to only perform the task she was given, and is conditioned into believing that the services she can provide defines her and her worth as a person. That's why she acts the way she does when things don't go as planned, because she messed up, and she can't handle it because she's been raised to believe that she can't mess up. Charlie simply doesn't understand that yet.
Charlie is the one thing that holds her together, that reminds her that it's okay to be imperfect, but positive reinforcements like that can be so easy to forget in moments of vulnerability. It's why Vaggie lies. It's why she's so mortified of Charlie finding out the truth. Because she knows that everything she's ever brought herself to love after her entire life got ripped away from her, could disappear, and she'd be back to having nothing.
Now, obviously, that's not true. But when you've lost everything in the past because of one wrongdoing, of course you'd be afraid of it happening again. Of course when you think the worst of yourself, you expect the worst to happen.
I hope in the future she gets the chance to have her own arc and realize how damaging her toxic mentality is to both her and her relationship with Charlie. I hope they both get to grow and learn as people and form an even stronger bond because of it. I hope Vaggie gets to finally heal and get the closure and development she deserves.
#hazbin hotel#hazbin vaggie#vaggie#chaggie#sorry i just#she means so much to me#taylor rambles#character analysis#rant post
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Here's my piece for the @mcspirkevents Big Bang! I was paired with the excellent @twinkboimler and their fic Jim Kirk's Guide to Delivering the Goods, which you can find here (E, AOS McSpirk, 60k)
Summer just started, and Jim is bored out of his mind. The courses he needs to take aren’t being offered until the second half of the summer, so he has an entire month to bother his roommate Bones. At Bones’ suggestion to get a job, Jim fixes up a motorbike and starts making deliveries to people in town, including a cute Vulcan professor named Spock. But when Jim is beaten up while making a delivery, it’s Spock who delivers Jim back to the apartment he shares with Bones. After the meet-cute from hell, Spock and Bones start dating… and so do Jim and Spock. With neither roommate aware they’re both dating the same man, there’s only so long that things can go well for them before the other shoe finally drops.
Also as part of my Big Bang offerings, I made a fic playlist (below) — partly a love letter to McSpirk, partly a love letter to myself and Fletcher's overlapping music taste.
Thank you again to Fletcher @twinkboimler for working on this project with me, it's been an absolute joy!
Until the Birds Return on Spotify
Tracks and choice lyrics below the cut (contains vague spoilers):
Astronaut | Future Crib
I wanna be an astronaut Fly into space I wanna see Mars from Venus I wanna go to that place And if you come with me They'll be room in my ship I'll take you up there with me It can be just you and me
Afraid of Heights | boygenius
I never rode a motorcycle I never smoked a cigarette I wanna live a vibrant life But I wanna die a boring death
Day by Day | Old Sea Brigade
Time and time again, I think I'm falling through space And I wake up in my bed just sweating in sheets
... Then I think of you growing old and it breaks my heart
Factories | Autoheart
When you found my body by the lake You wasn't sure if I was still alive
You and Your Friend | Snake River Conspiracy
Must we go run through our lives with our eyes closed To the loving happiness that we can share I think I'm in love with you and your friend
My Gal, My Guy | Darlingside
My (guy) he's the bluest ocean, (he) Waits under the bluest sky for me I belong to (him) When I'm in the water
Santa Fe | Autoheart
Heaven sent You were like a present I should not have kept A sticker on your forehead saying 'breakable And I broke you bad
Coat on a Hook | The National
Two days, we're still not talking You're the opposite of an open book Come back for me
Top to Toe | Fenne Lily
So I'm changing all my days To make your nights It's just not right
Pigeon Song | Patrick Wolf
Now the pigeons gather 'round my feeding hand And we talk 'til the evening fades I have learnt how it goes What you wait for never shows And what you least wanted, holds you down like a stone
Hornets | The National
But I don't wanna leave And I don't wanna hide I just don't wanna run Into you tonight
Tea, Milk & Honey | Oh Pep!
If you stick with me, I'll make sure your time is all right If you don't understand where I am now, it's better if we leave it
The Spiritual | Jukebox the Ghost
We might have kissed a bit too soon I could feel what was coming and I didn't mean to hurry you I just knew that time would find our fingers linked, through and through Forgive me, I'm human too
Bike Dream | Rostam
Two boys, one to kiss your neck And one to bring you breakfast Get you out of bed
Don't Go | Yazoo
Can't stop now Don't you know I ain't never gonna let you go
Jenny | The Mountain Goats
I hopped on back of the bike, wrapped my arms around you I sank my face into your hair And then I inhaled as deeply as I possibly could You were sweet and delicious as the warm desert air And you pointed your headlamp toward the horizon We were the one thing in the galaxy God didn't have his eyes on 900 cc's of raw whining power, no outstanding warrants for my arrest
Old Old Fashioned | Josh Ritter (Frightened Rabbit cover)
Oh let's get old fashioned Back to how things used to be If I get old, old fashioned Would you get old, old fashioned with me?
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@professorscrooge:
Additional Propaganda: Satine has raised (or was some kind of parental role to) a nearly model citizen/future politician who wanted to help people, uphold justice, end corruption etc. From what little we see of him, Satine passed her ideals and drive on to Korkie. Jaster trained/traumatised his adopted son into becoming one of the galaxy's biggest war criminals.
@raspberryzingaaa:
#yeah i dont care im still pro jaster lmfao not sorry #listen you also cant actuallu fully judge what their prowess was bc both had circumstances that were being affected by the sith #satine was only allowed to reign for so long because having a weak mandalore was good for palps #also you cant fully decimate a culture and call it ruling. like not even just the armor but everything alse #and its also very hard to tell what is true based on the cartoons bc were all the mandos blue eyed blonde bc of animation reasons? #bc one of the old mando things was adoption and a broad mix of species. #but yeah we cant really/fully tell bc of the sith influences. but imo i think the guy the sith Really didnt want in power might be best #and i am absolutely not a satine hater. i love her and i repect where shes coming from #but also the rep com books were an influential part of my teenage hood (for better or for worse)
(I did promise to share even the arguments that are based in fanon. Sorry.)
@prankprincess123:
#listen - this is quite possibly an actual political debate that (at least part of) mandalore actually had in canon #cause jaster died just a handful of years before satine came to power and was relevant to the circumstances surrounding such #and in an ideal universe youd have the supercomandos and new-mandalorians finding equal ground #and working together to deal with death watch (who ultimately took down both groups and helped blow up the planet) #but jaster is enough of a mess that he was one of the triggers of the civil war that ultimately put satine in charge #and she took this disaster and turned it into a functional government/culture/system and kept it that way for ~20y #and the only reason it didnt stay functional is because *checks notes* the sith decided they dont like her #like how competent of a ruler must you be for the cult thats been trying to destabilize your rule to turn to evil wizards for help #and how much of a widespread force for good must one be to have an evil wizard cult decide that you specifically need to die #satine should win by a landslide
@ironborealis:
#Mereel's reforms were the stepping stones to Satine's succesful rule #But his vision was too small #Satine and Mereel BOTH struggled with corruption inside their ranks #The way she tears off on a speeder to rescue Kenobi in her first episode? #Satine isn't afraid of a fight #she just wants to prevent unnecessary conflicts #some of y'all don't understand the philosophies of nonviolence at all #Satine can be as ruthless as any other Mando #She will not hesitate to fuck someone up #She literally burned a fucking warehouse full of evidence because she wanted to send a message that corruption was not tolerated
FINALE - You might want to read the propaganda this time. Lots of misinfo in fandom on these two in particular.
Remember, this is NOT about who would win in a fight. This is about who makes the best leader for Mandalore as a whole.
Explanation post
Seeding
Propaganda below the cut! You can submit more on this post and I will reblog it back to here! I was going to keep the text-only bits above the readmore, but we got enough in that it takes up more space than I thought.
Yes, I will even reblog the stuff based on fanon, but I will judge you for it.
SATINE KRYZE
Anon: Satine because she served. Mandalorian fashion week would love her. Manda'slay.
Anon: Satine Propaganda: Was supported by the STRONG MAJORITY, led Mandalore to be in peace for NEARLY 20 YEARS, didn't ban mando'a or armour or any part of the culture like fandom claims, is a good fighter, considered EVERY Mandalorian a Mandalorian and didn't discriminate
@lightsaberwieldingdalek: Satine propaganda: she actually ran a functioning government. Not a mercenary band, or a death cult, or a terrorist extremist organisation, an actual functioning government. Yes there was corruption, corruption she did her best to stop to the point of personally getting in firefights with smugglers, but she took a planet devastated by civil war and by the end of her rule she had schools, public works, and a justice system. - Sure, the rest can run military operations (and we don’t know Satine couldn’t, only that she *won’t*) but can they make the bins get emptied regularly to go to the recycling plants?
@lightsaberwieldingdalek: I understand Jaster has the tacticool appeal, and has the iconic armour, but guys. He did an interpretation of some problematic historical values for the more modern day, led a mercenary band, and under unknown circumstances his group started calling him the historical-cultural title of the ruler of their entire cultural group. I know he’s cool looking, and shoots real good, but at most he’s the equivalent of someone who could be a cult leader but doesn’t want to be. - Meanwhile. Satine. You have issues with her ethical code, and she’s not a cool cause she doesn’t wear the armour. And yet she is the one who *actually ran mandalore*. For 20-ish years, and not only kept it stable but built it up from the ruins of civil war! - Yes yes T-helmet cool and military man competence nice, but that cannot equal taking the ruins of a war torn society and turning it into a mostly peaceful (when terrorism happened it was a big shocking deal, not normalised) urbanised people who eat well, have access to luxury and specialised education (get a offworld Jedi to come lecture) and can ACTUALLY BREATH IN THE ATMOSPHERE RUINED BY ALL THE WARLORDS LIKE JASTER TRYING TO FIGHT THE REPUBLIC TO PROVE THEMSELVES.
Anon: Satine propaganda: she knows what the aftermath of war is like. Jaster knows war from a soldier's perspective, a commander's perspective. But Satine knows it from a noncombatant's perspective. She's seen the aftermath and wreckage it leaves behind. Rebuilding after a war takes far longer and likely costs more than the war itself. I don't think Jaster cares about what happens after the battle. But Satine most certainly does.
@archangelsunited: Efficient and long lasting leader of her faction for years, was able to navigate neutrality with the Republic during the Clone Wars. Excellent Hair pieces.
@publiusmaximum: She allowed her society to experience it's first moment of peace and prosperity in a thousand years. - After she was killed, her society was taken over by fascists and gangsters. In short order Mandalore was razed, made uninhabitable, and her people scattered. - Satine was right about everything.
JASTER MEREEL
Anon: Jaster is the one who should rule Mandalore and all Mandalorians, although he started small he searched to make a new code of conduct for Mandalorian bounty hunters, he tries to keep the culture intact yet keep Mandalore progressive and not stuck in the past and from killing each other.
@spacetime1969: He literally rewrote what it means to be Mandalorian, and he created an entire movement around said philosophy that had a good chance of becoming the controlling party of Mandalore if he hadn't been assassinated. What more do you want?
Anon: Jaster for the win, he's the most recent one who actually knows some shit (as much as I love Din Djarin this poor man doesn't know ANYTHING), besides Jango and Boba but they're both very unstable individuals.
@nerdpickle: Jaster, his philosophy perfectly balanced tradition and reform, keeping the best of both worlds, he was also one of the few people chosen by the people
Mereel is a strong and powerful leader. He defeated the traiter Tor Viszla in battle and even took in a poor, orphaned Concordian child after the battle. No more will Mandalore be forced to consider such petty ideals as peace in order to avoid outright war. Instead, we shall be known throughout the galaxy as the greatest mercenaries the galaxy has ever known. Under his rule, we shall triumph over the foolish savages of planets unconquered and be paid handsomely for it!
Anon: Mereel is a strong and powerful leader. He defeated the traiter Tor Viszla in battle and even took in a poor, orphaned Concordian child after the battle. No more will Mandalore be forced to consider such petty ideals as peace in order to avoid outright war. Instead, we shall be known throughout the galaxy as the greatest mercenaries the galaxy has ever known. Under his rule, we shall triumph over the foolish savages of planets unconquered and be paid handsomely for it!
@archangelsunited: Had a structured document for Mandalorian Culture in the modern (tm) day. He fought with the warriors he sent out and took personal interest in the results of his actions (Jango Fett mentorship). Pissed off Tor Vizla.
@nerdpickle: Satine’s Mandalore was like Switzerland, except without the well trained military, incredibly advantageous terrain, high gun ownership and giant nuclear armed alliance providing a free buffer zone on all sides.
SATINE
@bosooka: Originally here
i wrote way too much for my original draft of this (and it turned into a "fuck jaster mereel" party) so here's an abbreviated version
Why Satine is a Better Ruler Than Jaster in 2 Simple Points
Point #1: Satine actually maintained order on Mandalore for decades
This one is simple. Mereel became Mandalore in ~60BBY and Tor Vizsla tried to overthrow him a mere two years later (and nearly succeeded). He was only in power for six more years before he was betrayed by the very same violent people he allowed to remain by his side because of his belief that a Mandalorian warrior was "merely a highly-paid soldier".
Contrast Satine: ruled from approx. 42BBY until 19BBY, a reign of 23-odd years. For twenty-odd years of her reign New Mandalore was completely peaceful and there were no challengers to her authority among the people or elsewhere. Death Watch only became an issue again when they received Separatist (and ultimately Sith) backing, and Dooku discarded them for being useless. Had Death Watch not allied itself with Maul's Shadow Collective I don't think she would have been overthrown at all.
Point #2: Satine kept Mandalore out of places it didn't belong
As we've established, Mereel had no issues with Mandalorians being mercenaries, used however their clients saw fit. I won't go into the weeds of the ethical implications of mercenaries and why they are illegal under international law on Earth, but in short: letting anyone pay one to kill others is the easiest way to become the cudgel of a fascist. Coincidentally exactly what the Fett clones become when Sidious uses them to exterminate the Jedi. Mereel's "reforms" of the Mandalorian ways did not prevent his troops from getting into a fight they couldn't win against the Jedi on Galidraan (and yes, the Mandalorians shot first:
not that anyone in the fandom remembers this...) after they but an insurrection down on behalf of the corrupt governor of the planet. To be clear, the True Mandos knew that the governor of Galidraan was corrupt and most likely harboring Tor Vizsla, but they still agreed to kill "insurrectionists" for money. Their problems came when Death Watch arranged to make it look like they had also killed women and children. Truly a war between saints and monsters.
Meanwhile Satine: the head of the Council of Neutral Systems, she refused to take sides in a war pushed by the greedy and violent. Yes, she was briefly protected by clones when it comes to light that Death Watch is aligned with the Separatists, but it was immediately followed by the Republic attempting to militarily occupy Mandalore and Satine risking life and limb to keep her people autonomous. Satine refused to become a useful idiot for warmongers, even knowing that it would have been economically advantageous for her to do so. Unlike Jaster Mereel, she has ideals that she values more than credits. He would have accepted an offer from the highest bidder and turned Mandalore into a machine of war for the Sith, just like his Crusader ancestors once did.
Tl;Dr
Satine was actually respected as an authority on Mandalore for literal decades and was only challenged by a miniscule faction of terrorists who had to get foreigners to interfere in their political processes (FML) in order to actually take power from her
Satine kept Mandalore out of conflicts it did not belong in, which largely protected it from military occupation and destruction until the year she died; Mereel made a career out of interfering in the affairs of other planets if they were paid to do so
Unlike Mereel and his successor, Satine had morals to motivate her decisions that were not the pursuit of cold hard cash, including the protection of Mandalorian independence and neutrality
#tumblr tournaments#satine kryze#jaster mereel#mandalore#tumblr brackets#sw events#polls#sw legends#the clone wars#star wars#open seasons#sw comics
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I love (sarcasm) that the two options for working when disabled are:
1. Work at the risk of (permanently) disabling yourself further. Go home to a paycheck that won't cover much, but at least you have money. Fight the urge to cry when you're home because you're in so much pain and you can't do basic things anymore
2. Don't work. You'll be in just as much pain, plus you will have even less money. Getting a disability check probably won't cover anything, but chin up! A single dollar is better than no dollar, right?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Nobody should be forced to make the decision to work or starve, but there's an added layer of torture when your body literally cannot handle these options. My heart goes out to us all, the world can change for the better
#disability#ableism#ableism tw#i'm still in pain after this shift i am feeling so fucking pissed#NEITHER of these are necessarily a 'privilege' and there are layers to this fucked-up cake#having money is better than having no money. but nobody should have to put their lives on the line because there is no. other. option.#i'm glad i can work but i'm so afraid of my body and my safety and my future. i'm scared that i'm only going to Get Worse because of work#every disabled person on government support should get $60004737 as their funds for the month#also point two is sarcastic are the end if that wasn't clear#kinda scared for my future ngl! 👍👍
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...
#ay. tomorrow might b the day i face the music#which is to say. i tell my advisor how fucked i am. i mean. ill spin it so it doesn't sound so bad#its just that ive told him like 2 weeks in a row that id send him my edited preproposal and i have not bc im too afraid to start reading#papers related to my project. which is frustrating. and like the thing is. and i kno ive said it before and i kno im not a fucking idiot#i can read papers and i can even understand what theyre broadly saying. but thats it.#zero critical thinking. zero insight. i use all my tiny fucking brain space to try to understand the words on the pages#and even then it only forms this broken fucking image of whats being said. like u dont understand. i used to struggle with writing papers bc#i couldnt fucking connect what i was saying from one paragraph to the next when i was the one doing the fucking writing.#what the fuck am i doing here? and again. im not stupid. i can follow the information if its fucking said out loud but thats not how this#works. and it just feels like sometimes there's a limit to what you're capable of and im at that fucking limit. the undergrads in my lab#have more ability to comment on papers than i do. its so fucking frustrating and i just have to live with knowing itll never get any easier#so what the fuck can i do other than drop out? theres no god damn way im gonna pass a comprehensive exam. not unless i buckel down and break#myself in half to try to retain all the information i need to. which requires that i read so many god damn papers that i cant fucking read.#just. why tf did i pick a career path where my suffering is inherent to a huge part of my job? i feel like ive consistently chosen to take#the hard path in life and ive finally stumbled too far from what is possible for me#so well see what comes out of my mouth tomorrow when i have my weekly meeting. i just feel like its my last semester#i feel like this is it. i just need someone to fucking hire me. bc everytime my lab mate mentions something abt#my project down the line or talks abt future conferences i should attend. im just like. its a nice idea but that's not happening. im just#at the end of the line and it sucks#unrelated
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Oh I have been looking FORWARD to this!!!
Excellent in media res opening, you get us into Fu's insecurities & head-space so smoothly and his ensuing logic, along with setting up Trixx's gambit which I am super curious about to say the least!
As before, more excellent in media res, flashbacks are hard to use but you set it up so smoothly without disrupting the frantic nature of the fight or how off balance Marinette is without a partner this early in her career. It makes sense Marinette's just been low key happy but also not noticing Chloe's absence from her life and is only keying in now, the little details are nice touches as Marinette is a very detail oriented person but one with a heavy reliance on her gut. Chloe's continuing meltdown outside of the façade Purrge allows her to keep up came off really well, the "I know, I suck!" aspect was especially telling, I like Bustier making an effort though clearly being out of her depth given the circumstances. Also gosh, Chloe hissing XD
Adrien: So the Cat Miraculous does make us behave more like cats! Plagg: No, no I do not, don't pin this on me kid. Chloe: (Climbing to the highest place to hiss at people more)
Also nice to see the rest of the class showing some agency and activity on their own without prompting from the MCs, and that whole bit with Marinette nominating Alya only to realize Alya wasn't gonna nominate her was great, I loved their dialogue exchange they are so witty and fun and oooh the confused ball of Adrien feelings, I love it!
Solid break out from the flashback too, and a very smooth introduction with Fu, I love her not realizing his age due to the Miraculous mask effect and his dialogue. I dunno, I just really like how you write his manner of speech. Also more Adrien feels! Fu's method of just leaving Miraculous with people who's vibes are right may come back to bite him XD
"That which was not known could not be pursued, much less caught."
As before I love the distinct manner in which he comes off with, everyone has their own voices, but Fu's is perhaps the most distinct which makes sense given his age and life experience. Sewer Hat Boy, another victim of the Miraculous mask effect and I love the manner in which Chloe is described, very much feels like a feline in human form. The fight itself was awesome, Fu's general nervousness really did not serve him well (Overall) in this fight, constantly over-thinking and fretting and then losing himself in a flashback while Chloe's turned off everything but fight mode. The swapping of the Cataclysm was an inspired idea and gods:
“Five minutes left to show you just how big of a mistake you’ve made.”
Is such a badass line and mental image!!!
Great intro with Adrien's scene, smoothly setting up Nino's upcoming presence and I love the Marinette ramble slipping out as Ladybug! Also gosh his minimal self worth and wow, thinking he can get the Black Cat back even without a Miraculous of his own, optimism bordering on delusion there I'm afraid.
Very swift intro with the Snake and Aspik, it makes sense to skip it even if I was curious, also love Marinette oscillating between her LB person and Marinette vibes. Also oh dear, he went with the bald cap again and aaaah you fools why did you separate, that didn't work out last time now did it!?
Holy fuck that was brutal, easily her most heartbreaking Adrien chapter, this whole experience is borderline cosmic horror in terms of vibes as a thousand truths overlay and his perceptions crumble, heavy stuff! "Would that have been what made her give it back?" That is still your focus my boi?!
Nino is such a ride or die guy, I love him, great sensation work for Adrien and oooh setting up a future conversation that I really wanna see!
& Trixx is here, to make us all cheer, because oh so many questions now rear! I lost the rhyming scheme but suffice to say excellent lead out location, loved all of this!
Crossing Blades: An ML Fanfic Chapter 1 of 3
Next installment in my Chloe goes back in time AU! Link to AO3, then full text of the chapter below the cut.
Crossing Blades
The warning continued to blare on the ancient radio. It almost overrode the sounds of panic coming through the thin windows and walls of the backroom apartment. Wang Fu paced like a caged animal, twisting the bracelet on his wrist over and over. Beside him Wayzz hung in the air, concerned but silent.
Master Fu stopped in place, eyes narrowed at some unseen ghosts of the past, or future. “I must act. Wayzz, shell on!”
In a flash of green, casual clothing was replaced with armor and mask. Jade Turtle stepped up to the gramophone with determination in his manner. Tap, taptap, tap. Out came the miracle box.
Ignoring the two that remained on the top layer, he reached into a side drawer and took out the snake miraculous. He paused only once, turning away with the green band in hand. Is this the correct path? A life of running had not prepared him for a fight.
Without looking back, Jade Turtle closed the miracle box. The snap of the lid renewed his flagging conviction. This was right. He could bring things back under control and set them in balance once more.
If only he had looked back, he might have seen the fox tail necklace judder and bounce. He might have seen it hop from the box and hook itself to the back of his belt. He might have seen the little fox kwami blinking into existence, the culprit behind the jewelry’s odd behavior, then blink out again.
But, he did not.
-----------------
Ladybug ducked between two buildings. She had no idea if the narrow alleyway was a dead end, she just needed breathing room. Squads of black armored knights marched up and down the streets, attacking anyone caught outside at will. Dark clouds painted the sky, casting everything into deep shadows.
She believed the source to be at city hall, a new akuma -of course- but she needed more to go on. She also needed a partner. She was *this* close to wishing for the Miraculous thief to show up, just to have someone watch her back against the legion of minions this akuma commanded.
To think, this morning had seemed like such a big deal only a few hours ago.
“Good morning everyone. Before we start for today, it’s time to elect your class representative.” Ms. Bustier had spoken in a chipper but uncertain tone. She gestured to Chloé in the front seat, “Chloé, I haven’t heard from Sabrina yet, but can we count on the two of you again this year?”
“What?” a muddled reply came, “No, ugh. I don’t want to be stupid representative anymore. Someone else do it.”
That had brought Marinette out of her own thoughts. Chloé had been weird lately, but Marinette had had her own problems to deal with. However, passing up prestige, not being the bigwig in the room? That was something else entirely. Marinette looked down at the back of Chloé’s head. Was the ponytail frizzed today? There was body language there that felt off, the set of her shoulders wasn’t right. Marinette had gotten good at reading Chloé’s moods in self defense.
Ms. Bustier’s lips made a surprised ‘oh’ and she looked up,”Well does anyone else want to run for the position?”
The kind of absolute silence that can only come from asking for a volunteer echoed back at her.
Ms. Bustier clasped her hands and tried again, “Chloé, why not be representative again this year? You know the most about it. You’re right here at the front of the room too. If things are a bit hectic, I’m sure we can work something out…”
“I said No!” Chloé slammed her palms down on the desk and stood up so fast Sabrina fell off the bench as it moved. “If being at the front means I have to do it, FINE!”
She grabbed her bag and stalked back to the rear of the room. All eyes followed her but no one dared say a word. Rose scooted closer to Juleka. Ivan’s brows lowered as she passed. Nathaniel’s eyes began to widen as she approached his desk.
*Thump* She shoved her bag onto it. Nathaniel’s eyes darted, he seemed paralyzed. Chloé’s face flushed for a moment then she grabbed his sketchbook from the desk.”You sit in the front now!”
The hurled sketchbook opened in mid-flight like a wounded bird, flapping and spinning until it landed on the front desk then skittered off the other side to the floor. Ms. Bustier’s eyes tracked its entire flight. There was one more beat of silence then she looked up.
“Ms. Bourgeois, that is no way to-”
“I know I know. I suck, whatever. Shut up. I’m in the back now, I can’t be the rep. Someone else do it.” Chloé dropped herself onto the bench beside Nathaniel, who fell off the other side, scrambling to escape.
He scuttled down to the front. Ms. Bustier met him and handed him his sketchbook with a gentle, ”Please put this away during the lesson, Nathaniel.” before looking up to the back. “Ms. Bourgeois, see me after class.”
An honest to God hiss was her answer to that.
Ms. Bustier quickly replaced the serene mask she normally wore, “So, it appears the field is indeed wide open. Would no one else like to take the reins and lead our class to the future?”
Alya’s elbow dug lightly into Marinette’s side. “You should do it,” her friend whispered.
Marinette bit her lip. It would be work, more work on top of Ladybug. She didn’t want to let anyone down either. She was always late, even before the miraculous. Surely someone else could do it, right?
“I don’t have time. Why don’t you try it?” Marinette whispered back.
“La-dy Blog,” Alya sing-songed. “Come on, maybe you could get Adrien to be your assistant.”
That sparked a whole ball of feelings. Imagined black cat ears popped into being atop Adrien’s head in Marinette’s mind. Adrien, Cat Noir, a chance to be partners again?
“Mylene!” Alix broke the silence that had settled again.
The redhead gave the girl beside her a friendly shove.
“You’re always into political stuff. Why don’t you do it?”
Mylene smiled for a second before shrinking in her seat. “I umm, don’t know. I’ve never actually been in charge of anything before.”
Alix leaned grinned down at Ms. Bustier, “I nominate Mylene! We can do that, right?”
The relief was clear on the teacher’s face, “Yes! Yes of course, nominations are allowed, though they need to be accepted.”
“Cool. Then that. I nominate. Come on, Mylene. Show us what you got.”
After a look towards Ivan, and another downcast fidget in her seat, Mylene finally nodded.
Marinette sagged with relief. That was taken care-
Alya’s voice, “Well, I nomi-”
A storm of images hit Marinette. Pressure, uncertainty, working with Adrien, not working with Adrien. Mylene working with Adrien, of all the oddball things.
She shot to her feet, “I nominate Alya!”
There was a general classwide blink.
Ms. Bustier nodded, “Alya, would you accept?”
Alya missed a beat, but recovered. “Yeah, sure. That way we get an election, right?” She leaned around Marinette, “We’ll highlight important issues with our speeches, right Mylene?”
Mylene brightened, “Yes, of course!”
There was a general murmur of excitement. Marinette took her seat again, giving Alya a smug look before whispering, “Beat you to it.”
Alya raised an eyebrow. “Girl, I was gonna nominate Adrien. You already said you didn’t want to. I figured it could work the other way too.”
Marinette’s triumphant smile melted into sadness. She slumped face first onto the desk. Alya patted her gently on the back.
“I dunno what about Mr. Modelpants does it for you, but I was trying to help.”
Marinette mumbled against the wood, “You got my vote.” She pushed herself upright and looked down to the row in front of them. “He just seems… nice. I think he deserves a chance.”
Alya’s snort was anything but subtle, “A chance with you, that is quite a reward.”
Marinette went instantly red. “I didn’t- I mean-”
Alya laid a hand on her shoulder, “Relax, girl. I got you.”
“You can speak at my funeral when I die of embarrassment,” Marinette groused.
“I will move the crowds to tears.” Alya nodded solemnly.
Much needed giggles slipped from Marinette’s lips. A sharply cleared throat cut her reply short though.
“Miss Cesaire, you will be ready to deliver your speech in the morning?” Ms. Bustier asked pointedly.
Alya saluted. “Yes Ma’am.”
At the time it had all seemed so important.
Breather over, Ladybug considered her options. She wasn’t even sure where the akuma was. City Hall seemed a good bet. The roving packs of armored warriors were a risk. One on one, she trusted her miraculous enhanced reflexes, but five on one? Ten? She wished for Cat Noir. In a moment of weakness she even felt she would settle for the thief. She needed someone to watch her back. She needed a partner.
A flash of motion -above!- Ladybug lashed out and dodged.
Spang!
Her yo-yo rebounded off the wide-brimmed metal hat of a green glad warrior. “Hold, Ladybug! I am ally, not foe!”
Ladybug kept her yo-yo at the ready. “Ally? Who are you?”
He raised his head, revealing the green mask and a smile. “I am the Guardian of the Miraculous. You may call me Jade Turtle.”
She sized him up quickly. Her height, her age? It was impossible to tell much from behind a mask. He held himself with poise, but also hunched like his namesake, as if awaiting a blow. “Guardian? What is that? Do you know what’s going on?”
He bowed his head a fraction, “I do, and I will share what I can with you once the crisis has passed. I have brought you the means to garner an ally in this battle.”
He unhooked a small box from his belt and opened it. Inside lay an unassuming bracelet of Jade.
“This is the Miraculous of the snake, which holds the power of intuition. It will allow the wearer to loop time, up to five minutes, to find the correct path to victory. Give it to one you trust.”
Adrien. The name popped instantly into Ladybug’s mind. She could have her partner back. She reached for the box but paused. “Will you be fighting with us too?”
Jade Turtle shook his head, “I am here to reclaim what is lost. I expect the black cat will make an appearance, and I will be ready. It is vital the miraculous not fall into the wrong hands.”
Ladybug took the box. Something nagged the back of her mind, but it didn’t translate properly and only, “Are you sure?” left her lips.
Jade Turtle nodded and ran his fingers along the brim of his metal hat. “Yes, almost as sure as I was in choosing you to be Ladybug.”
With that he turned and vaulted up out of the alley to the rooftops.
The box was heavy in Ladybug’s hand as her eyes lingered after the only person with any answers to her questions. Adrien. I can get this to Adrien. No rooftops for me though. I can’t risk being seen and followed.
Ladybug checked the end of the alleyway and then scurried back towards school, and she hoped, an ally.
--------------------------------------
Jade Turtle moved quickly as possible, keeping to the shadows. Avoiding being seen was still an ingrained habit. That which was not known could not be pursued, much less caught. The city swarmed with units of armored knights marching in formations. They were a concern, but also, he suspected, the perfect bait. His instincts proved correct. Commotion, running soldiers, and sounds of battle drew him to his quarry.
The new holder of the black cat stood in a swath of carnage. Fallen knights littered the ground like leaves, but there was a lull. Only one knight still stood, sword held robotically en garde against her.
Jade Turtle's eyes scanned the scene quickly. He broke cover, “No! Wait!”
Too late. The black cat moved, slipping the knight's stiff guard and lashing out. Claws tore metal and everything beneath with equal ease. The knight crumpled into the pile.
“You! You! They are being controlled by the akuma! They are innocent people!”
She seemed to register only slowly. Feline disinterest painted across her sharp features. “Who are you supposed to be? Sewer Hat Boy?”
He raised his own guard as he approached. He knew better than to trust the languid curiosity in those mismatched eyes. “My name is unimportant. My purpose is to reclaim the black cat from you. You are not the one destined to hold it.” He directed a pointed glance down to the fallen bodies. “And you paint yourself unworthy by deed as well.”
She tilted her head slowly, then kicked the body at her feet. “They’ll be fine once stupid Ladybug does her thing. As for my miraculous, oh just you try to take it.”
Jade Turtle steeled himself and dropped into a fighting stance. “As you wish. These bones may be old, but they know many secrets.”
With the moment at hand Jade Turtle hesitated, how best to attack? He must strip the ring from her hand. Protection would be the key. He cou-
There was no warning in her eyes, no tension in her stance, none of the things he had learned to look for. She dropped into a hunched run, legs powering her into a lurching drunken charge that devoured the space between them.
Jade turtle jerked backwards. A clawed swipe slashed through the air where his throat had been. Another lunged for his eyes.
Block. Block. Redirect. Turn. Clear roo- no she was on him again. Catch. Twist. Her whole body moved as bonelessly as her namesake, spinning her whole body in the air around the pivot of his wristlock. Her claw toed boot scored lines in his metal hat.
Jade Turtle tried to disengage. He just needed space, time. She dogged his every move. He was being chased again, chased across the street just as he had been chased his whole life. Flashbacks warred with reality. His foe lunged and it wasn’t a child, it was a grown man in a black leather uniform with a very different meaning. Jade Turtle had been helpless then, he wasn’t now.
He lashed out and struck the man a deeply deserved killing blow to the sternum. Contact evaporated the memory. The child collapsed the ground in its place, but rebounded impossibly.
“So that’s how it is…” She gritted through clenched fangs. “Cataclysm!”
He’d lost control! Dodge. Dodge. Stagger. Dodge. Dodge. Backpedal. Something in that heterochromic gaze dredged up every fear from his two centuries of running. He couldn’t- he needed- She wouldn’t give him room.
“Protection!”
Instinct took over when reason fled. He met her next swipe and caught her just inside the wrist. The turtle Miraculous did the rest. A bubble of Green around that black death-clad hand.
He panted, keeping her wrist held firmly. ”Now… I’ve got you. Surrender. You can not-”
The Cataclysm vanished.
Motion.
Jade Turtle flinched and it saved his life.
Her free hand came around, sparking with destruction. It met the dipping edge of his shield hat and blasted it apart in an instant. The feedback robbed him of his senses and strength. Jade turtle fell. He sensed more than saw the shadow looming over him.
“Five minutes left to show you just how big of a mistake you’ve made.”
----------------------------------------------------------
The difference five minutes could make; a million times over.
“Adrien!”
Adrien skidded to a stop at the sound of that voice. He cast a quick glance back over his shoulder, it looked like he had finally lost them. He turns his gaze skyward just as Ladybug landed beside him.
She unclipped a small box from her hip as she straightened up, holding it out. “Am I glad to see you! I looked at your house first and you weren’t there, so then I checked the school. You weren't there either, so I tried all the streets in between and-”
She paused, withdrawing the box slightly.
“What are you doing out here?”
Adrien looked down, rubbing the back of his head. “Well, I thought, I mean I hoped, maybe I might still be useful. If I could, maybe at least find the akuma and report back.”
Or find Chloé and get the cat back. Or anything just to not be a disappointment. Well, not a disappointment to her. He was pretty sure Alya and Nino wouldn’t be happy with him for running off. He had glimpsed Nino running after him, even.
Ladybug made a soft sound in her throat, “Adrien, you’re amazing,” his heart swelled, “I don’t want you to be running around without a miraculous though. It’s dangerous out here. It’s a miracle you haven’t been caught and turned into one of these knight-zombie things. That’s why-”
Adrien looked up, sure the axe would fall now. He couldn’t account for the color on Ladybug’s cheeks, or the softness when she held the box out again.
“That’s why I’ve got something for you. It’s the snake Miraculous. With it you can help me again. We can defeat this akuma, get back your miraculous, and stop Hawkmoth!”
She’d laid out the snake’s powers. Sass had been more reserved than Plagg, but polite. When Adrien had transformed into Aspik he’d thought he’d caught Ladybug giggling behind her hand, but she flashed him a big smile nonetheless. She even rubbed his new costume’s smooth head ‘for Luck’. The plan was simple, split up and circle City Hall north and south. See what could be seen and meet up on the other side.
That had been less than ten minutes ago.
It had been months ago.
Aspik had spotted Chloé midway through his sweep. She ran on rooftops, wielding the power of the black cat, his power. The power he’d lost. He had the perfect chance to get it back, as many chances as needed. Aspik had activated Second Chance and altered his course. He couldn’t fail.
Reset. Come from the right. Reset. Try the left. Reset. Try reasoning. Reset. Threatening. Reset. Bargaining. Reset. Fight. Reset. Angry. Reset. Screaming. Reset. Go for the ring. Reset. Go for a knockout. Reset. Try to call Ladybug. Reset. Ladybug arrives on her own and catches a cataclysm. Reset. Reveal who he is. Reset. Again. Reset. Again. Reset. Reset. Reset. He’s hanging over the edge of a roof, danglinging from her grip on his wrist. The last light is blinking on the bracelet. He can’t reach- She smirks and twists the bracelet for him. Reset. Reset. Reset. Something is happening. Reset. The world feels thin. Reset. Spots at the edges of his vision. Reset. No, spots in the sky. Reset. Destruction. Reset. Cataclysm lingering. Reset. Wearing away these five minutes like a thread pulled back and forth through the eye of a needle too many times. Reset. He can’t fail! Reset. He has to prove- Reset. To Ladybug. Reset. He is-
Falling…
He can’t remember what he said this time. He can’t remember who threw the first punch. A thousand thousand truths overlap and spill out, covering his senses. There’s only one consistency. He lost, again.
Aspik hits the pavement hard. A storm of black lightning tears at the sky for three, two, one. The snake Miraculous chirps one last warning and powers down. The storm vanishes. Time, no longer abused, marches on. It leaves him behind again. Chloé didn’t even spare him the benefit of a backward glance this time. Would it have even mattered if she did? Would seeing him defeated by her hand again have been the right or wrong thing to do? Would it have made her pause? Would that have been what made her give it back?
He feels numb. The street is a too-hard bed but he feels like he could sleep for a decade if he just closed his eyes. The overcast clouds no longer threaten the end, but are still a reminder of the akuma at large.
“Adrien!” Nino’s voice is so out of place it takes a moment for Adrien to recognize it.
Adrien turns his head, still not ready to move beyond that, to watch his friend rushing headlong down the empty street. Nino? Why are you here? It’s dangerous. Too dangerous.
“Dude! Are you okay? Can you stand?” Nino drops to one knee and tries to haul Adrien to his feet.
The answers quickly present themselves. No, and No. Adrien is beyond exhausted. His legs won’t hold him. He stumbles into Nino. His throat feels like sandpaper. “What are you doing here?”
“Looking for you, dude.” Nino loops Adrien’s arm over his shoulders and tries to take on more of the weight. Adrien’s legs still aren’t cooperating.
Ha. Hero saved by a civilian. But then, what’s the difference? Adrien found the strength to push Nino off gently, but not the strength to keep standing once he had. He sat down hard, but pulled the Snake Miraculous off his wrist. A weary Sass sprang into being, hovering low in the air.
Nino blinked, ”Dude?”
Adrien waved him off with a floppy hand. “No time. Ladybug needs help. Defeat the Akuma. Tell Sass ‘Scales Slither.’ Bracelet resets things. Five minutes tops. Help Ladybug.”
Nino’s eyes darted between Sass and the bracelet Adrien was holding out in a trembling hand. Shock and fear each had a turn, but determination was right on their heels. He took the bracelet from Adrien’s hand, “I’ll try.”
Adrien remembered, “Get the cat back for Ladybug, if you can.”
Sass managed to perk some, and the transformation worked. Snake-clad Nino turned in the direction Adrien pointed, but before leaping away called back over his shoulder, “You have so much explaining to do, dude.”
And with that, he was gone.
Adrien fell back onto his back, ready to let the darkness of sleep take him, hopefully before more knights showed up. Instead a new, high pitched, scratchy voice reached his ears.
“Hey. Hey you. I’ve got a proposition for you. We can both help each other out.”
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Finally got caught up on my notifs! I usually spend time here each and every day, but I’ve been gone for 3! I’ve been working really hard lately to make some extra money because I’m moving to a new apartment. Moving is expensive! As I was working, my iPod broke, and that was the device I used to keep up with Tumblr. Now I’ve gotta do it on my phone, which I was trying to relegate strictly to business. Oh well.
The biggest annoyance is that all of this extra work is taking time away from my art projects! That’s the classic issue I guess; I need money so I can’t work on art.
Idk, I felt the need to vent a bit but I’m really not feeling to bad. I’m actually quite excited! Lots of work to do, so I’d better get back to it!
If you’re reading this I hope you’re doing well! Best wishes!
#I hope my mutuals see this but I’m afraid to ping them!#i probably should have posted this before reblogging anything so it would get pushed as a “this user posted for the first time in a while’#oh well#I am very excited about the future#I’m excited about the move#and I’m excited about showing off the things I’ve been working on#I am slowly getting better at these new skills I’m trying 😁
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#just some thoughts#that might not be what people want or need to hear right now#but i need to say them and who reads this anyway#i'm sad that the show is officially over in spite of all the efforts to turn it around#of course i am#i love the story and the characters so much#but personally i find easy consolation in looking forward to whatever else rhys will do in the future#stede might be gone but rhys is not and everything he learned is not#i will see him act again and i'm so excited about that#so that's the good part of my thoughts#the bad part of my thoughts is fear tho#i fear that max is being a bitter little shit to us on purpose#because we dared to push back#we made it a Big Thing and made them look bad and now they're hellbent on making sure we get nothing#that's what it feels like#maybe other streamers wanted to take over but they made it impossible in one way or another#and then the headline about them targeting fanartists#idk the timing is suspicious idk#and maybe they even have the power to make sure we never get a dvd just to fuck us over#i don't know how these things work but i am afraid#and that's everything off my chest kthanksbye
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I'm glad the "Satire requires a clarity of purpose and target lest it be mistaken for and contribute to that which it intends to criticize" meme is getting critiqued in its usage because... While the sentiment itself is absolutely true... I feel like sometimes, perhaps, it's not a work of fiction's fault that you're personally bad at picking up on satire
#im thinking about how i saw a person say futurama is bad because bad things still exist in the future#and its like. thats the point though?#the joke is literally the idea that if we never learn and grow from these problems as a society these are the hyperbolic extremes#that they would come to etc etc#do i think it was all well handled? probably not. it had a 14 year run im sure it fumbled lots of stuff and has shit that doesnt hold up#but i feel like dismissing it entirely based on just-#''but bad stuff happens. and i want the future to be better so this bums me out'' is just dumb LOL like thats literally the point#theyre taking the problems of today and making them into crazy hyperbolic extremes to mock them THATS WHAT SATIRE IS#there is a clarity of purpose youre just bad at picking up on it. NIXON WAS THE FUCKING PRESIDENT IN THAT SHOW FOR CHRIST SAKE#WHAT ELSE DO YOU THINK ''AMERICA'S FAVORITE SUICIDE BOOTH SINCE ****2008****'' COULD MEAN?#idk. this site is bad media literacy r us why take it seriously. but i am. bc its frustrating#bc that quote on its own is sooooo good at explaining why some ''satire'' is bad and doesnt work#but ppl who dont know how to engage w media beyond a surface level have taken it and turned it into like#''this is bad bc i didnt get it'' ok. sounds like a you problem.#but posting this is scary bc im afraid itll be used for the other extreme .-.
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Why am I so fucking depressed this weekend. I feel like I have no friends, no family, and no fucking future.
#would i feel differently if my mom loved me? thinking about her a lot#i think it's just the adjustment period to this new job and living in a new city#plus this is the job i was working so hard for and i can only stay here for 5 years so what am i gonna do after this?#i have so much anxiety#my new co-workers are all married with kids and families and houses#my office mates are both married and have been bffs for 10 years#their parents come and visit them all the time#like god i wish i knew what it was like to be someone's priority even once in my entire life#but i never have been and i probably never will#I'll never have a great love of my life. never have a family. never own a house#I'll never get a phD. never get a tenured position with sabbaticals i could spend doing research in Europe#what the hell is my future going to be?#whatever it is it's going to be lonely#I'm not afraid of being lonely. I've been so my entire life. I'm just tired
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Tags rant
no general theme i just want to yell about stuff
will delete later i think
Upd. I am doing better but won't delete it because archiving purposes and I like to reread stuff like that as diary entries and think "haha what a feeble minded fool i was"
#i think i am now extremely unhappy with my art#all i do is doodle or draw stuff for college that i don't really like#and i mean#it's fun and all#but i don't feel like it's art#and i think i started dreading doing full rendered art#because it will take so long and i need to make sh*t in 5 minutes#i don't know if it's an adhd thing or i'm just impatient i don't know i don't#and i'm sad my faith hyperfixation is fading away because it was so fun#i want to draw john but i don't know what to do w him anymore#i was never good with fanart#fanart is so freaking difficult how do people come up with good ideas all the time#all i can think about is oc stuff but it's almost never pretty and#i don't knowwwwww i am dreading i'll have to work with art#why did i think being a designer is a good idea i want nothing to do w it#i am so afraid of the future i am afraid i will have to work till the day i die#it's scary i am scared i want to do nothing i am tired for no reason at all#i have no idea where to even... live?#i should save up and try to leave this God forsaken country#but i am mortified of living on my own#i am just#i'll be fine i'll cry for a bit and everything will get better#but i am not very happy rn i'm sorry#that's about that i'm really sorry i am just scared#I WANT TO FEEL GOOD FOR MORE THAN 5 MINUTES AT A TIME PLEASE
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this will either end in like happily ever after marriage or the worst soul crushing devastating heartbreak of my entire life and I'm not prepared
#barks#when is anyone ever prepared for that tho#if we ended things now it might mitigate Some pain#but id always wonder what if and probably even go back to him in the future to see if we did have something#if we go for it and it ends later#i will literally be so crushed#and i cant let him know that bc thats what hes afraid of#hurting me#there is so much i am not telling him bc i dont want to scare him away#this can rly only go 1 of 2 ways#either we will die together or break up at some point#thats how relationships work#and idk how great our odds are#given the state of the world#given our backgrounds#i want to try :(#but that means accepting the soul crushing devastating heartbreak as a potential future#sorry future me#i gotta go for it
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say what you will about 2017 but atleast when i was in high school tiktok and generative cheating ai werent a thing yet
#ranting in tags lets go#someone told me they used chatgpt for a uni assignment and complained that it was all wrong. like no fucking shit? are you perhaps stupid?#chatgpt is always wrong this is so well documented and its also well known that ai is bad for the enviorment genuinely what is wrong with u#i dont remember the last time i lost my appreciation for someone so fast. if you use chatgpt for any reason i dont respect you point blank#god. mind numbimgly infuriating. i cannot imagine doing high school with this and having kids brag about not doing any work. are you stupid.#are you fucking stupid.#we all know about the learning gap crisis this isnt about this. even my uni teacher encouraged us to use it (BRO YOURE A TEACHER) and i#didnt and its. well! i guess i know why so many people failed i guess!!!!!! fuck!!!! i hate it i hate it so fucking much i feel like im#losing my mind. why do so few people care about this. i hate ai i hate it i hate it i fucking hate it so much die if you use ai die die die#this doesnt even touch on tiktok. it was juust on the cusp when i was in school it wasnt yet this massive fucking everyone and their mom#algorithmic mind numbing knowledge gap nightmare. i hate the future i hate technology and its booms and i am very afraid for future genera#tions. the internet was a mistake. im so tired. i hope chatgpt goes bankrupt and everyone is forced to think and use their brains and write#their own essays and shit again. god.#adventures
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#ven.txt#hit with a sudden bout of depression bc there's a possibility I'll never be able to play games with someone anymore#like maybe possibly in the future they'll have free time#but they're an adult now and living an adult life#meanwhile I'm still the same and i dont have a job or a house to worry about#and it breaks my heart because ofc im happy that they're doing well and working hard#but i miss the old days when we played together until 3 am laughing and screaming together :((((#and i feel selfish but i also feel all alone again......#im so sick of drifting apart from my best friends#i dont ever want to lose contact with her and I'm afraid of that happening#i dont know what to do
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#...........................................................................................................................................#i think today was it#i think im about to be fired from mailman job#i said that if this job doesnt work out#theres nothing left for me#ive tried everything and nothing is worth it#idk why ive been alive for so long other than being bad at everything including kms#i have no one#other than people who dont accept me for being myself (trans/bi)#at this point if anyone were to try and help me id only be a literal burden#i feel so much like shit im privileged yet i cant seem to even take day to day well all i can think about is cutting myself up but then#if i dont die its just gonna be another problem for me to deal with on top of that i dont want people looking at me like that#id rather die i want to die i need to die#everybody i get close to leaves me and heaven forbid i a mentally ill person show symptoms of my mental illness and the people that have#said that theyre here for me gets pissed when i unfriended them on steam and that im abandoning them#when i cant even function alone#the only thing im afraid of is being alone or being betrayed#all of my friendships have ended and thats all i wanted in life was to have friends who helped each other out but not only do i not have#any of that i dont have a future even for myself#dont interact with me unless you have a good idea on how i can kill myself ive been done since i was 15#“itll get better” im 25 and privileged i should have nothing to complain about yet here i am getting worse by the minute for over 10 years#its never gotten better only worse and ive been fucking sick of it#please someone help me leave quietly i dont want to bother anyone else
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