#i am showing SO much self restraint by not watching another episode tonight even though i desperately want to know if chim proposes

[gil-estel]

why is it that buck gets into a relationship and immediate starts questioning his own self-worth???? I thought the whole point of the coma dream was that he understood that all he needed to be was buck?????

[takemedancingmaine]

Second First Date

“Sorry I missed your call before.”

I slid my head buds in and slipped my phone back into my back pocket as I walked around the store. Cleo and I were meeting up with the rest of the group later for dinner. We were going to Liam’s. He was cooking and Louis was bringing some bread he wanted us to try.

Something about tomato and Rosemary Focaccia, I think?

For now, Cleo and I were strolling around a kitschy store that was one train stop down from me. I was admiring a cat mug when Mehar called for the second time. The first time had been when I was in the shower earlier and I'd forgotten to call her back.

“It's chill,” Mehar said casually. “I just wanted to see how you're doing. See if you've had anything exciting happen. I've got a paper to do and I'm putting it off.”

“What's the paper on?” I asked.

“Noooooo,” Mehar complained. “I'm calling to get away from it. You can't ask me about it. You're supposed to distract me.”

I rolled my eyes and put the cat mug down. “I apologize. I will not ask again; I will do my distraction duties properly from here on out.”

“So…” she started. “Anything fun or exciting happen?”

Yes. “Nope.”

“Nothing?” Mehar sounded sceptical.

Under no circumstances was I telling her about my date the other night. Especially since 1. I didn’t even know it was a date until after the date was over and 2. Cleo was well within earshot of anything I could say about it. If Cleo heard the whole friend group would know and I could see that future unfold behind my eyes.

Cleo would send a message to the group--the one with Niall in it this time--and our lives as we knew them would cease to exist. I’d already had a sneak preview after the binge-watching day, and I was not looking forward to hearing the remixed version of ‘We Told You So.’

I loved my friends, admired them, but knowing how we got whenever Cleo or Liam or Louis had a date was not giving me the best vibes to tell them about my date. We were actually ravenous for each other’s embarrassing stories, thrived off of them. It was unusual for me to go on a date--I was just kind of picky, not because I’m a prude or anything. So typically, the embarrassment was saved for my three other single friends. I was not willing to throw myself into the fire just yet.

Niall and I had texted each other yesterday after the group decided on dinner tonight, and we’d decided to keep whatever was going on between us to ourselves, at least until we figured out just what it was that was going on.

It wasn’t that we thought we’d act all that different around each other, not too much had changed between us, really. We hadn’t kissed or even held hands yet. We did decide to keep the physical contact to a minimum though. We could handle that easily enough. We weren’t teenagers who couldn’t control ourselves. We were adults, we could be normal, act normally without any trouble.

I knew that just being in the same vicinity as Niall, I would feel comfortable. With five other individuals there hell-bent on getting the two of us together, individuals who knew me--and admittedly Niall--better than anyone else, it was sure to be an entertaining evening, to say the least. It would prove to be a test for Niall and me, however hard that test was would depend on the diligence of our best friends. We’d been texting back and forth all morning about how to successfully avoid each other while surrounded by the crew.

I had faith in us.

I did not have faith in Mehar though, either. She was garbage at keeping her mouth shut, and she had Cleo’s number. Even if Cleo somehow didn’t hear me tell Mehar about the date or the one we’d planned for Tuesday night, Mehar would spill the beans. Of that, I was sure.

So no, I would not be telling my sister about Niall, at least until after my friends knew.

This was different from the other secret I was keeping. That other secret was in another realm, and would forever stay locked away in that other realm. This secret was just a little one that would be told when the time was right. I didn’t feel it weighing on my conscious at all. I didn’t feel anything remotely close to guilt keeping it from my friends, nor did I feel weird or heavy about not telling Mehar.

I moved over and picked up a notebook that had pre-written greeting cards that were puns. I was a sucker for a good pun. I started flipping through the pages as Mehar started talking again when I didn’t respond to her right away.

“I find that hard to believe,” Mehar said as I tried not to giggle out loud at a pun about bread.

“You shouldn’t,” I said now.

“You are absolutely horrible as a distraction,” she groaned. I could hear a thud. If I knew my sister, and I’d like to think that I do, she had just flopped down onto either her bed or the couch in her apartment.

I laughed at her.

“Mehar.” I shook my head and placed the book back down on its shelf, moving around to start looking at the rings on display. “I’ve told you before, I’m not all that interesting. I go to work, workout, sleep. Really not much to me.”

“So you’ve not given any more thoughts to dating apps then?” She asked, her voice muffled by something, probably a cushion or a pillow.

“I don’t need dating apps,” I told her, admiring a ring with a small, square green stone. “I’m fine without them.” I placed the ring on my middle finger. It looked cute.

I held it up to Cleo who looked up from the incense section and nodded her approval. I took it off but kept it in my hand. It was a decent price. I was going to get it. I liked wearing rings.

“You’re fine without them?” Mehar asked sceptically. “Ruby. When was the last time you went on a date? Or had sex? I mean, are you okay?”

“Mehar!” I whisper yelled into my phone. “I go out,” I said quietly.

“Oh yeah?” She asked. “Can you actually remember the last time you had sex?”

I love my little sister but she can be infuriating. I think that’s true for all people in your life. You even love the ridiculous things they do, like when your little sister calls you out for your lack of recent sex and you want to be mad but all you can do is blush with embarrassment and shake your head at her audacity.

“Mehar, I don’t need this from you.” I started walking around the store, looking at the posters on the far wall of various sights and attractions for Chicago. “I get enough of this from my friends.”

“Well if you truly were going out you wouldn’t be getting this from any of us,” she countered with a triumphant tone to her voice. “But you would be getting it.”

I could hear the insinuation. I bit my tongue and took a deep breath.

“You are the worst little sister,” I groaned. “The actual worst.”

“You love me.”

“I do,” I relented. “But you are annoying.”

“I’m just looking out for you, Ruby. I worry about you, big sister.” Her whole tone changed and she suddenly sounded sweet as Louis’ cherry pie. I wanted to vomit just hearing it.

“Oh no.” I shook my head even though she couldn’t see me. “You’re good. That was good.”

“I’ll take my Oscar now,” she chimed from the other end of the line.

“You’ll get nothing and like it,” I joked.

“Harsh.”

“Yeah, well, you did bring my sex life into this,” I said back.

“True.” She laughed. “But are you actually okay? I know we were joking before, but it really has been a long time since you’ve dated someone consistently, Ruby. I am genuinely concerned.”

“How do you know if it’s been a long time since I dated?” I asked. “I don’t always tell you everything, Mehar.”

“Excuse me?” Her voice went up in pitch. I instantly regretted my words. “You don’t always tell me everything? Does this mean that you are seeing someone? I mean, you’re saying no to dating apps and you’re being all uppity when I ask you about it. That could be because you are seeing someone and just don’t want to tell me. Your sister. Who tells you everything.”

“Some things she should probably keep to herself,” I said while looking at a backwards necklace--one of those that’s a choker in the front but hangs down your spine for when you’re wearing something backless. Which, for me is not often, but it was cute and I’m easily distracted by shiny things.

“Probably,” she said lightly, “but I don’t care all that much. Besides, we’re talking about you and these dates you’ve not been telling me about.”

“I’m not telling you because there’s nothing to tell, Me.” I rolled my eyes. “This is not some big conspiracy, I’m not keeping anything from you. I’m happy with my situation.”

“If you say so.” She gave in pretty easily. I knew she’d be thinking about it for quite a while, but at least for now she was going to let it drop. “So can I tell you about this guy in my abnormal psychology class? He is literally goals.”

“I’d love to hear,” I told her as I put her on mute and paid for my ring.

Once she’d told me the story of the guy in her class, we said our goodbyes and then Cleo and I crossed the street and went into a shoe store where our self-restraint was severely tested.

Once we’d finished there--Cleo having bought two pairs of shoes and me restraining myself to only one--we’d gone back to mine and flicked through episodes of Netflix shows to pass the time before we had to leave for Liam’s.

“Louis seems happier recently,” Cleo gave me a look as chose an episode on my laptop. It was Parenthood.

“You think?” I asked as I put my legs up over hers.

“Yeah.” She nodded, but her eyes were focused on the show. “Well, like he’s always happy, you know that. Our little Louis is literally sunshine. But it’s different now. I think it’s Niall.”

“It could be.” I shrugged as I leaned my head against her shoulder. “I think they were really close in college. They lived together for four years. It’s kind of like us after we graduated,” I said. “I was still happy, still going on with my life, but when I moved here and we lived together and even now? I’m a much happier person than I was back then.”

“Yeah,” Cleo said now. “I guess the difference there is that even though we talked when we were apart I didn’t really see you, so I didn’t notice the change.”

“Exactly,” I said. “Plus, I genuinely don’t think Louis ever expected to see Niall again. He was gone for almost four years.”

“Shit. I didn’t realize it had been that long. That’s probably a big part of it.”

“Plus, this coming week is Louis’ first week only working five days. It took a lot of strong-arming from his mom---and me--but he finally caved. He’s been lighter since he made the decision.”

“Oh no way,” Cleo actually took her attention away from the show to look up at me. “We’re really going to have him for the whole weekend?”

I nodded my head. “He’s nervous, worried because neither of us will be in the store on either day of the weekend, and he usually likes to keep an eye on things as much as he can, but he’s really trying to just take it in stride. I think he’ll be better for it.”

“I’m really proud of him.”

“Me too,” I said.

“He’s going to be begging us to go out more now though, isn’t he?”

“Oh, definitely.” I laughed as we settled in and watched the episode.

It was still warm on Tuesday, so I settled for a camisole and patterned cardigan. I looked in my bathroom mirror, double checking my lipstick and my hair and glancing at the watch on my wrist. I was actually trying this time, not in denial that this was, in fact, a date, like I had been the first time.

Because Niall and I only lived two train stops away from each other, we’d decided to meet in the middle at the Belmont stop and find somewhere to grab food. It wasn’t too long of a walk for either of us so neither of us would have to take the train, and I was hoping to convince Niall to go to this poké place with me. I was mindful of Niall’s possible lactose intolerance and thought it was just the right amount of casual for what we were going for. Truth be told though if he said no and we went somewhere else, I wouldn’t care.

I was feeling really good about tonight as I stepped out of my bathroom and grabbed my phone, cards, and keys. Sunday night had gone really well with our friends. Niall and I were casual. Not that we’d been more than that, not really, not even when we’d been alone together. Just like I thought, it had been easy to act like nothing was (possibly) going on between us.

We were mostly focused on Liam and Louis though, which helped take a lot of attention off of the two of us. Liam for telling us that he found a couple that was going to buy the condo he’d shown last weekend, and Louis for telling everyone about his taking an extra day off each week.

There was also Harry, who had a school assembly he was tasked with single-handedly organising and to top it off, he was worried that his fifth-grade chorus was going to mess up their performance at said assembly. Dinner at Liam’s was the first time he’d stepped away from his laptop and planner all weekend.

He was a little bitter that none of his friends had offered to help him with the planning, but Cleo remained firm on her ‘no additional duties outside of teaching’ stance while Ana claimed she’d been too busy creating the new end-of-term project for her fourth graders, and Liam blamed it on his trying to balance writing the contract for the couple and his weekly lesson plans.

Harry wasn’t actually upset with any of them, of course, understanding that they were equally busy, but he did do an awful lot of pouting throughout the night. It was quite endearing.

I did one last look in the mirror before I locked my door behind me, jogged down the stairs, locked the front door, and was out on the sidewalk, walking in the perfect temperature evening to get food with a guy I liked.

Niall had mentioned something on the way home on Sunday evening, while we were sat side-by-side on the train, that we should probably talk about what we were doing. When he saw the almost terrified look on my face he backtracked rather quickly.

“‘M’not saying we have to know what this is,” he gestured between us, “not just yet, anyway. But, in regards to our friends, Louis in particular, I think we need to be on the same page.”

I breathed out a sigh of relief and nodded. “Right, that’s smart.”

He gave me a soft smile, one that didn’t make his dimple pop but still transformed his whole face and made a warmth spread through me at the sight. When he got off the train, after we’d listened to the song, he’d made me promise that I’d text him when I was home safely.

Tonight was some kind of wonderful in terms of temperature as I walked South. It wasn’t cold and it wasn’t hot enough that I was sweaty from my walk either. With daylight savings time two weeks away, the sun had definitely already set, but the sky was still a light blue. The trees I was passing under were almost bare, and that was the most telling part of what was to happen in the coming months. With the passing of false fall, all of the trees had shed their leaves in the cold and only served as reminders of the harsh winter that was to come our way sooner than we might realise.

St. Louis was far enough South that in the summers it would be absolutely blistering, and the winters weren’t all that miserable. We’d get some decent snow a few times a year, but all-in-all it wasn’t all that bad. Ann Arbor, on the other hand, was freezing. Sure, it was hot in the summers, but I’d never known cold like that until my first winter there Freshman year of college.

Then I’d moved to Chicago. I learned the definition of cold when I’d moved to Chicago. My first year spring here we were still getting snow storms in mid-April. Once it was May the weather was clear and warm and perfect weather for shorts and a t-shirt, almost as if two weeks before there hadn’t been a foot of snow on the ground.

No matter where I was though, October was the time of year that really grounded me. All my life, I’d never liked one season more than another, but there was something about October. I’d read a quote that was about how trees reveal their colours in October and how people have October’s as well. I really liked focusing on what people could do when they were showing their colours, being true to themselves. I’d think about what it meant to be true to myself each October.

It wasn’t long before I found myself standing underneath the North side of the Belmont station, people watching while I waited for Niall. The man in question showed up just a minute or so after me. When he looked up and his eyes met mine the smile that spread across his face warmed me to my core. It made me smile back just as big.

“I hope I didn’t keep you waitin’ long,” Niall said as he came up beside me. I was unprepared for him to wrap an arm around me and kiss my cheek, but as it was happening I couldn’t help but think about how natural it felt, how I shouldn’t have expected anything else from him.

“Not at all,” I told him, leaning into him for a moment before he pulled back. “I only just got here.”

I couldn’t help myself from looking him over, even if I’d only seen him two days ago. His beard was filling in nicely, and his hair was just as floofy and soft-looking as usual, and there weren’t any dark circles under his eyes. He had on a striped long sleeve shirt under his jean jacket that was making me think irrationally. The power of a shirt, apparently.

“Good,” he smiled again and gestured for me to lead the way. “Ready for our second first date?” he asked.

I laughed and nodded. Seeing as this was the first time we’d gone out that I’d realized it was a date--something I’d told him over the weekend--we had deemed this our second first date.

“What’re you feeling like getting to eat?”

I shrugged as we started walking toward where I knew there was a lot of good food options for us to choose from.

“I’m up for anything,” I said. “What about you?”

“I defer to your preference,” Niall said and waved his hand a bit toward the busy street around us that was swiftly coming alive as the sky darkened and the lights in the shop windows began to glow. The sounds of the train in the background, people chatting as they walked by, and the cars all served to centre me. It was weird, but I found peace on a busy Chicago street. “I’ve been gone too long and you know the area better,” he told me.

“You good with Asian food?” I asked.

Niall brightened. “I love it.”

“All kinds?” I asked.

“Whatever it is, I’m in,” he told me, and quickly before I could process what he was doing, he grabbed my right hand in his left--intertwining our fingers--and gave me a look. “Lead the way.”

So I did.

It was only a five-minute walk, if that, from the station, and when I nodded toward the front of the shop Niall lit up. I took that as an affirmative and together we went inside.

“I just can’t do anything too spicy,” he said as we got on the line together. “So you’ll have to tell me if what I pick is going to kill me or not.”

I laughed. “I can definitely do that,” I told him. “The best part is that you can always choose whatever you want, a make-your-own option, and pick whichever sauces you’d like.”

Niall rubbed his hands together in excitement as he turned from me to start studying the menu. I already knew what I was getting, so I just watched him. His eyes scanning the words, occasionally squinting, as he tried to decide.

“What’re you getting?” he asked me after a bit. We were almost up to order but I shook my head at his question.

“I’ll order first so you can see what I get,” I told him. “But! You are not allowed to get the same thing as me.”

“You’re one of those people?” His face was riddled with amusement as he let me step ahead of him so that I could order first.

“One of what people?”

“One of those people that gets upset when someone orders the same thing as them,” he said. “My brother would never let me get whatever he was getting when we’d go anywhere.”

“I’m not that bad. I just don’t want you to blame me if you get the same thing and end up hating it,” I explained.

Niall thought about that for a second before he nodded. “Fair enough.”

He studied the menu for another minute.

“Kahiki?”

“Spicy.”

“Huli Huli?”

“Sweet.”

He nodded and was about to ask something else, but our conversation was cut off when the person behind the counter asked me what I was getting and I walked them through my order. I tried not to watch Niall and focus on what I was ordering, but my eyes kept drifting over to him as he deliberated his options. He folded his arms at first, but then he’d lifted one hand up to his mouth, brushing his knuckles along his chin, scratching at his beard while he chose toppings.

When my bowl was finished and I was at the cashier, I told her we were both on the same tab and then when Niall was still ordering I handed over my card and paid. The look on his face when he came up beside me as I signed the receipt was that of mild frustration.

“Is that the real reason you ordered first?” he asked as we found a table and settled down.

“It just happened that way.” I shrugged and handed him some napkins I’d picked up.

He groaned and ran a hand through his hair. Not for the first time, but for the first time I admit it to myself, I wished it was my hand that was running through that soft looking hair.

“You paid for your own drinks last time, and now you’ve paid for our meal.” He shook his head. “You’re trying to make me feel bad, aren’t you?”

I bit my bottom lip to try and hide my smirk but he caught it anyway.

“I’m sorry. You can pay for drinks after this, or desert, or both. Whatever we decide on after this, you are absolutely going to be the one who pays for it,” I started rambling.

He just looked at me for a moment, nothing given away by his face before I noted the way his lips picked up just slightly on the left side.

“You’re somethin’ else, Ruby.”

“Good something else, or?” I asked. I had a feeling he meant it as good, what with the smile it appeared he was trying to hide, but I could never be too sure.

“Good.” He nodded. “Definitely good.”

“Then I’ll take that.”

“Would you ever get a tattoo?” I asked him as he took a bite of the chocolate cake doughnut he’s chosen, into his mouth.

After we’d finished our dinner we’d decided to get dessert, and again Niall had let me choose the place, so I chose Stan's Donuts not too far a walk from where we’d eaten dinner. He did get to pay this time, so that seemed to relax him a bit. Together we had taken our doughnuts--and Niall got himself a coffee as well--and we’d just started walking around, toward the waterfront, but as it was getting late, we didn’t really have a destination in mind, just walking a bit aimlessly.

We’d gotten onto the subject of tattoos when we’d passed a shop and I mentioned that Louis’ place wasn’t far off from here and that he’d been thinking of adding something else to his left arm’s smattering of tattoos. He’d introduced Cleo, Ana and Liam to it. Cleo had a mess of small, simple tattoos in various places all over her body. We’re talking side-boob, ankle, shoulder, back of her elbow, top of the thigh…. Each tattoo was something small and simple.

Ana had a massive flower scape on her left thigh that she’s always extending, and as a result can only wear longer skirts, dresses, and pants to work for fear of seeming unprofessional when she’s teaching twelve-year-olds. What started as a sunflower in tribute to her relationship with her mother had extended into a conglomerate of flowers all over the front of her leg. It wouldn’t surprise me if she had it wrap all the way around at some point.

Liam was different when it came to his tattoos. We’ve only seen glimpses of the tattoo scheme on the back of his neck, peeking out from the collar of his t-shirts. He said it was a massive outdoor scape. It started at his low back with evergreen trees and extended up to a massive and intricate compass that had two arrows intersecting behind it. Extending up from that were mountains and more trees that traversed the span of his shoulders. One shoulder was a daylight sky with the sun and birds and the other side is a night sky that has a crescent moon and the Virgo constellation.

It took him a ridiculous amount of sessions to get to where it was now and I don’t think any of us have seen it in its entirety. He had started it at the beginning of the year and was still getting bits done over the summer, so he was cautious about getting it sunburnt and even when we went to the beach he was always wearing a shirt to cover it up, protect it.

“No.” Niall shook his head in response to my question.

“Afraid of needles?”

“Terrified.”

I nodded and took a bite of my own doughnut--a peanut butter pocket. I might have to get to the gym early tomorrow and do a bit of a workout before class with all the food I’ve eaten tonight. I felt like I was going to burst.

“What about when you lived with Louis? I mean, he’s covered. You never thought about it even then?”

“I mean…” he paused a bit for suspense. “No.”

I laughed just a little at his clear discomfort at even the thought of getting a tattoo.

“What about you?” he asked after a minute. “Would you get one?”

“I’ve got one,” I said.

He whipped his head toward me so fast I thought he might’ve gotten whiplash. The shock on his face was clear. I gave him an amused look as I ate another bite of my doughnut.

We stopped at a light, waiting to cross, and he shook himself.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to make it seem like I was judging you.” His face crinkled as he backtracked a bit.

“I understood what you were trying to get across,” I assured him. “I didn’t take offence.”

“So what is it?” he asked.

“It’s a lotus flower,” I said. “It’s on my upper back if you’d like to see it.”

He nodded as the light changed, and so we just kept walking.

“Does it have a meaning?” he asked as we arrived at the harbour and started on the LakeFront Trail, a bit out of the way of the traffic behind us.

I nodded. “Cleo was getting her third tattoo our junior year and has asked me to go with her so that we could get dinner afterwards. It was a small tattoo but I had to wait a couple of minutes as she was filling out her forms and I started talking to one of the other tattoo artists. Eventually, he started drawing up designs for what I was talking about. I scheduled with him to go back the next week and get it inked.”

We passed under a light so I paused my story and stopped under the light. I shrugged my cardigan down and it fell low enough on my back to show the flower on my spine right between my shoulder blades.

While Niall looked at it, I continued on.

“Lotus flowers are a symbol for the human condition,” I said and I felt him bring one hand up and start tracing it lightly with his fingers. I could feel myself get goosebumps at his touch, and fought off the shiver that threatened to go through me.

“Even in the dirtiest waters they still bloom some of the most beautiful, vibrant flowers,” I explained. “It’s just a reminder that even though I may sometimes feel like I’m in dirty water I can still bloom and grow. It’s on my spine so that I remember to keep my back straight and my head up.”

Niall’s fingers dropped from my back, but I still felt the ghost of them even after the loss of contact. He lifted my cardigan back up to its proper place for me, and he was looking at me with what I could only describe as a wistful look.

“I sometimes wish that I wasn’t scared of needles,” he said, his voice soft as we continued on walking. He'd finished his doughnut but took a sip of his coffee.

“I know a lot of Louis’ tattoos are stupid ones that he just got because they seemed cool, but he has quite a few that are really meaningful to him, and yours is so meaningful to you… I admire that you have these reminders of such important things etched to your skin to constantly remind you to be who you want to be. Your tattoo is beautiful, by the way.”

“Sometimes our will and our want overpower our fear,” I shrugged. “Maybe someday something will happen or come up that will make you feel so strongly about wanting a reminder that you’ll put your fear aside. But then again, tattoos aren't for everybody, even if they're not afraid of needles. And thank you.”

Niall was quiet for a while after I’d said that, just walking in silence next to me. It wasn’t awkward. I could tell he was thinking through what I’d said. He was contemplating something as we kept going. Eventually, we both finished our dessert and when Niall finished his coffee he threw out his cup. Niall turned us around, back toward the city, away from the lake and when he did so, he took my hand in his.

“We should probably talk about this, huh?” he asked, squeezing my hand gently.

“Probably.” I took a deep breath.

“I guess I’ll start by saying that I very much like you,” his voice was quiet but I definitely heard that, and I felt my cheeks warm. “I also know that this could get tricky if, well if, y’know…” he trailed off and then cleared his throat. “But, I would like to continue seeing you, like this, despite all of that.”

I took a deep breath and steadied myself against the swarm of emotions that was filling my mind. I was anchored by the feeling of Niall’s hand in mine. That feeling he gave me, that comfort, emanating from where we touched to every cell in my body. His presence beside me both scared and excited me. I wanted to keep him there, beside me.

At that moment, it was easy to keep thinking about all of the bad that could happen from this. We could permanently damage relationships with our best friends, we could isolate ourselves if things went awry. It was terrifying. I was reeling thinking of Louis and the rest of my friends.

If something happened and things between Niall and I went poorly, we’d have to struggle through what had once been our easiest and closest of relationships until our wounds healed or one of us decided to bow out gracefully so that the other could keep their friends. The second option was less than ideal given that one of us would have to lose everyone we cared about. Then we’d forever be bitter about the situation.

But I had to admit, that despite all of this, being with Niall felt easy, felt natural. Hearing his laugh and seeing his smile, watching his eyes as he thought through something before speaking, getting acquainted with the way he fidgeted when he was watching a scary show and the way he sang softly to himself now that he knew the words to Somewhere on Fullerton.

It was the way he made me feel, safe, that I didn’t want to give up, more than anything. More than the fear of us not being right for each other, more than the fear of failure.

It had been a minute since Niall finished talking and I could feel his anxiety starting to roll off of him as we walked. He wasn’t saying anything though, which I found myself appreciating. He wasn’t going to keep talking just to ease his anxiety, he was letting me think and weigh my options and choose my words. I felt myself smiling.

“Okay,” I nodded. “So we’re doing this.” He looked up at me, his eyes wide under the streetlights and neon lights. “Dating,” I clarified. “I like you too, Niall. I say we go for it.”

He let out a breath and visibly looked relieved, I saw the tension leave his shoulders as he practically shook under the weight of his exhale.

“Wait, really?” he asked, his voice breathless as he stopped in his place on the sidewalk, our joined hands forcing me to stop as well.

“Really.” I smiled at him as I pulled his hand a little bit to guide him out of the way of foot traffic.

“You are somethin’ else, Ruby.” He smiled as he stepped close to me.

“Good something else, or?” I repeated our interaction from earlier. He clearly remembered too, because he let out a small laugh and shook his head before meeting my brown eyes with his blue ones.

“Good.” He smiled. “Definitely good.”

“I’ll take that.”

“C’mon,” he said now, tugging my hand in his and pulling me back into the sidewalk flow. We continued walking toward the station.

“So are we telling our friends or no?” I asked.

“Oh Jesus,” he groaned. His head fell back as he looked up to the sky and I bit my cheek to keep from laughing because honestly, that was my reaction as well to the thought of telling them.

“Fuck.”

I laughed at the exclamation that came out of his mouth.

“We’re gonna have to at some point, aren’t we?” he asked.

“We are.”

“Louis will be relentless,” he groaned again.

“Louis won’t be the only one.” I shuddered, thinking about literally all of them. Plus my sister. Maybe my sister could wait it out a while before I told her. She’d never forgive me for waiting, but the thought of her response compounded with the simultaneous response of my friends was giving me an ulcer just thinking about it. Yeah, Mehar could wait to find out I was seeing someone.

“You’re right.” Niall shuddered. “We’ll never hear the end of this.”

“Never,” I agreed.

“And you’re still okay with us dating? Even knowin’ that?”

“I am.”

“What did I do to deserve this?” He asked as we came up to the station, where we would be parting ways. We paused underneath it, our faces with crisscrossing shadows from the platform above making it hard to tell features clearly, but we were very aware of each other at this moment.

“I don’t know what you did, but you sure do look cute in a jean jacket with your hair all mussed up,” I told him and reached my free hand up to run through said hair. It is just as soft as I’d thought it would be.

He blushed a vibrant shade of red and looked down at his feet, embarrassed.

“Why thank you,” he said, looking up. “You’re not so bad yourself.”

I shrugged. “I mean, I don’t even try,” I teased with false modesty.

He laughed, his head falling back and the sound echoing in the framework around us.

“Let me know when you get home safe?” he asked.

“You too.” I nodded at him. “And I’ll probably spill the beans to Louis tomorrow, so brace yourself.”

“I am thoroughly braced.” He nodded and tried to give me a smile, but he looked like he’d just gotten the news he would have to go in for a root canal.

Just like last time we’d finished a date, Niall kissed my cheek quickly and with one last squeeze of my hand, we parted each other’s company.

[just-jordie-things]

Being the Bait - Theo Raeken

word count: 7090 summary: you’re tired of theo constantly breaking your heart, but the idea of losing him again just doesn’t seem like an option.  (set in 6A but not everything follows the episodes exactly) warnings: swearing, angsty depression, night terrors, murder a/n: this isn’t the song used for the lil prompt below, but i listened to this a lot while writing this imagine.  idk if y’all even click those link or not but i thought you’d want the same experience

[you’ve taken my heart by storm / i’m lost in your love / i can’t hold back anymore]

You blinked, not sure if what you were seeing was correct.  You raised your fists to your eyes, rubbing them as though to clear your vision.  

But nope, Theo Raeken was still standing there in front of you.  All chained up by Liam and Hayden.  A strip of duct tape over his mouth, which you were thankful for.  He couldn’t sweet talk out of this one like he’d done with you before.  He looked the same, the same dirty blonde gelled hair, the same muscular frame, same perfect jawline-

You snapped back into reality of the situation, and glared between the sophomore werewolves.

“What the hell did you do!?” You screamed, punching Liam in the shoulder and giving him a growl.  “Scott is going to kill you- hell, I’m gonna kill you! What were you thinking!”

“First of all, ow” Liam muttered.  “And second of all, Theo’s the only one we got who could tell us anything about the Dread Doctor's experiment” You sighed, and rolled your eyes.

“Liam… goddamn it” You pinched the bridge of your nose, shaking your head as you looked down at the ground.  “Are you fucking kidding me” You sighed.

“He’s right” Hayden piped up.  “He’s the only leverage we have for figuring out what these Ghost Riders want” You looked from Hayden, and shot a glance at Theo, who had his eyes set on you.  You kept his stare for a moment, before looking up at the sky, trying to process through your wild, thought jumbled head.

“Okay” You sighed, looking back to Liam.  “Okay” Your eyes wandered the woods that they’d told you to meet them at.  “But why here?”

“We’re searching” Hayden shrugged.  When you stole another glance at your ex boyfriend, you found his eyes were still on you and you quickly turned away.

“Fine.  But no promises that I don’t maul him when this is all over” You said, flashing your ice blue eyes at Liam.

You all began walking, and you weren’t quite sure where it was you were going.  Just that the betas on either side of you were determined to get somewhere.  Liam kept telling Hayden about what he’d learned so far about the Hunt, but you’d zoned out of the conversation, falling a bit behind the both of them as you were swamped in your own thoughts.

Mostly memories, of your time with Theo before his true self was revealed.  The day that you’d found out he was working with the Doctors, your entire being felt shattered, and your heart broken.  But if you were being honest with yourself, you cried yourself to sleep many nights after you’d watched him get dragged down to the pits of hell.  And your heart was still broken.

You jumped and spun around when you felt a small nudge on your arm.  You saw that Theo had awkwardly put the back of his hand against your forearm, while still in his handcuffs.  You kept his gaze again for a moment, wishing that things weren’t the way they were.

But that wasn’t going to change, and no matter how sorrowful he looked at you, neither were you.

You looked away, and walked quickly forward, trying to join the conversation with Liam and Hayden again.

Theo Raeken needed to be out of your life, even if you needed to carve him out yourself.

You ended up in the middle of nowhere.  It was dark now, and you were in the middle of the woods, having no idea where it was you even are.

“Liam” You grumbled, putting your hands on your head.  “I am actually going to murder you in these woods” Hayden stepped defensively in front of him, but you just rolled your eyes.  “Well give me a reason not to!” You yelled at them both, and Liam sighed.

“Because Scott would be-”

“Oh, he’d be just as pissed as I am right about now” You said in a growl.  “Not only, did you lead us all out here so we’re lost in these woods” You angrily through your arm towards Theo.  “You brought back this fucking psychopath!” Your heart tightened at the words you’d used, but you’d known it was true.

“y/n, breathe for a sec, okay?” Liam said, putting his hand on your shoulder.  You huffed in frustration.

“And why should I do that when I’m stuck out here with the last person I want to be with, ever” You said angrily.  Liam handed his end of the chain to Hayden, and she proceeded to tie Theo up at a thick tree.

“Maybe because your claws are digging into the palms of your hands and your eyes are..” Liam trailed off, and you closed your eyes tightly, willing the color to go away.  You hated their new color.  “Look if you want help with control it took me a while too-”

“No.  I don’t need it” You snapped back at him.  “Just let me breathe on my own” You said, walking away, and running your hands through your hair, pleading with your inner self that you could shift back to being human.  Tears welled in your eyes as your mind flashed back to the worst night of your life.

Not only had Theo been ripped away from you to spend his eternity beneath the surface of the earth, but you’d lost the beautiful yellow color of your shifting eyes.  They’d gone from a golden color, to a sky blue one, in a matter of seconds.  And it was a complete accidental incident.

You could hear thrashing and metal clanking behind you, and looked out of the corner of your eye to see Theo struggling against his restraints, pulling and yanking.  He was mumbling under the duct tape, but no real words came out.  You tilted your head just barely towards the three of them, listening to what Liam and Hayden were saying.

“We’re not letting you free damnit stop trying!” Liam said angrily, and Hayden tightened the chains around the tree.

“Hey” You called so they’d hear you, but your voice was soft as you wiped your sleeves over your eyes.  “Let’s just get going” You said, taking their attention away from the chimera so they’d stop yanking on the metal cuffs around his wrists.  “I think I could get us out of here if we backtrack enough” You told them, and Liam sighed in relief.

“Thank god” He said, and began to undo the ends of the chains where Hayden had tied them around the trunk of the tree.

“I got it” You said, taking over and unlooping them with ease.  Liam reached out to take them, but you held onto them with a firm grip.  He didn’t question you, and neither did Hayden.  Because all four of you knew that Theo was much less likely to run away if you were the one holding onto his leash.  In fact, both you and him knew he wouldn’t even think about it if you were holding the chains.

You’d gotten everyone to the entrance of the preserve, where both yours and Liam’s cars were parked, and everyone felt both relief and exhaustion.  You checked your phone for the time.

“Jesus it’s ten o’clock” You sighed.

“There’s no reception… I wonder if Scott tried to contact us” Liam said worriedly, but you didn’t care so much about Scott at the moment.

“Where’s he gonna stay..?” You asked with a nervous tremor in your voice.

“Well we can’t just let him go off to… wherever the hell he lived” Liam said.  You almost corrected him by telling him that Theo had a small apartment but kept your mouth shut.  “Don’t look at me, my step dad would kill me if I just showed up with him at my house” Liam said with wide eyes towards you.  “Besides.  He’d kill me in my sleep in an instant” He said in disgust.  Your ears picked up in the slowed pace of Theo’s heart beat, but no one else seemed to notice it so you didn’t mention it.

“My sister hates when I bring Liam home, you think she’s gonna let some eighteen year old boy stay the night?” Hayden scoffed, crossing her arms.  Your hands tightened on the chains in your hand, bending the thick links as you came to a realization.

“Your parents are still on vacation right?” Liam asked, and you tilted your head, giving him a glare.

“Oh, you can’t be serious” You growled.

You shoved Theo into the back seat of your car, slamming the door, not even checking to see if he’d pulled his legs in or not.  But by the lack of bones crushing as you whipped the door shut, you figured he’d moved inside just in time.

You spun around, and punched your fist hard across Liam’s jaw, and he stumbled back, but it barely fazed him.

“You’re lucky to have your life tonight” You said angrily.  Liam rolled his eyes.

“You’re being over dramatic.  At least he won’t kill you if he stays at yours”

You swung at him again, but this time he dodged your punch.

“Great, now keep up that aggression for when he’s there” Liam said, giving you two thumbs up before dragging Hayden quickly away towards his car.

“Well fuck you Dunbar!” You yelled after he shut the door and turned on the car’s engine.  When he drove away from you, you flipped him off.  “Fuck you!” You yelled again, then stormed over to your own car.  You angrily opened the door and slammed it as you got in.

You put your hands on the wheel, catching your breath as you realized you were panting from the frustration boiling up inside of you.

“Blue’s a new color on you” You heard an all to familiar and calm voice say from behind you.  Your eyes flicked up to the rearview mirror, thankful to see that they were back to their normal y/e/c.  But not so thankful to see Theo, with his duct tape in his hands.  You cursed internally upon realizing his hands weren’t bound by anything now.  Thought the cuffs were still on them, he could remove the tape easily.

“If you think that I won’t kill you in an instant if you put me, or my friends, into any danger, then you are sadly mistaken” You said, finally jamming your key into the ignition and turning it.  You instantly began to drive away.

“And if you think that I’d intentionally hurt you in any way, then you know even less about me than you thought” He said with a slight chuckle.

“I don’t think it’s in your best interest to crack jokes about all the lies you fed me” You grumbled, going five miles more than the speed limit to get home faster.

“y/n I-”

“I don’t care Theo” You said, keeping your expression as blank as possible, and refusing to look back at him.  With that, he shut his mouth, and was silent the whole rest of the ride back to your place.

When you got here, you let him walk himself behind you to the door.  You knew he wouldn’t try to make a run for it.  He carried all the chains in his arms, and stayed silent as you unlocked the door.  He closed it behind him, and locked it again.

“You have the couch” You said, pointing to the living room before going upstairs to change into pajamas.

You stalled in your room, trying to calm down the wave of emotions you were currently drowning in.  Yes, the feelings you’d had for Theo were still all there.  All the passion and love and adoration you’d had for almost half the year.  But now, it was mixed up with something new, and cold.  A hatred, a boiling anger.  You knew in your heart of hearts that Theo Raeken was a manipulative liar, but that you still had feelings for him.  And you had no idea what to do about it.

With a sigh, you decided to bring down a pillow and blankets for him.  You went down the stairs to see he was lying there, on his back, his hands folded over his chest with all the chains sitting there on his stomach.  Some hung down and swung near the floor.  When you entered the room, he looked over at you as you held out the items you’d grabbed for him.

“Here” Was all you could manage to say as you set them on the coffee table in front of your couch.  You crouched down in front of him, pulling a bobby pin out of your hair and picking the lock on his handcuffs with ease.  Theo gave you a small grateful smile as they fell off, and he rubbed his wrists immediately to relieve the sharp pain of the bruises there.

“Thank you” He said, and you looked at him, but didn’t say anything.  When you finally tore your eyes away from his green ones, you stood up, tugged down your sleep shorts awkwardly, and headed back towards the stairs.

You didn’t get much sleep that night, mostly tossing and turning and your mind jumping with the thought of Theo sleeping in your house again.  But every time he’d done so before, he was always in your bed.  His arms protectively holding you against him, a few kisses pressing into your hair as he fell asleep.

It felt weird to have him here without him holding you.

After the long restless night, you took a long shower the next morning before putting on your outfit for school.  You went downstairs while adjusting it, and was surprised to see Theo just sitting on the couch.  His blankets and pillow neatly folded and stacked back onto the coffee table.

“Uh, you want breakfast?” You asked timidly, pointing off to the kitchen.  He nodded his head, and followed you in.  “I’m making toast… is that okay?”

Why should it matter if that’s okay with him, he’s my prisoner, you thought to yourself, but didn’t take back the offer.

“Toast is fine” He said, and sat at the table while you put bread in the toaster.  It was silent as you got down the plates, and pulled out butter and a knife as well.  But he was the first to speak up again.  “You know if.. If you want to ask me questions or something I’d answer one hundred percent honestly” He told you.  You looked at him for a moment, testing to see if he was lying.

You didn’t find a tell that he was.

But you looked back at the toaster, waiting for the bread to pop up.  “No thanks” You said, twiddling the knife around between your fingers.  “I actually don’t want to know a single thing” You added.

Breakfast was silent.

The car ride to school was silent.

He kept in step next to you on the way into the building.  He felt weird, seeing that he was in the same clothes as he was yesterday, and had no school books with him.  But he didn’t dare question you or whatever it was your plan was here.

You met up with Liam Mason and Hayden, and Mason was the only one who reacted upon seeing the chimera.  Instantly jumping behind Liam.  Who explained it all to his friend.

“I still don’t trust him” Mason said simply, and headed off.  Liam followed after him, causing Hayden to go as well.  You sighed, heading to your own locker instead.  Theo still right behind you.

“It feels weird being here again” He told you, filling the now awkward silence as he stood at your locker.  He looked over the crowd of students, who all gave him a weird look.  He could hear all their whispers, and he knew you could too.

“Where did he go?”

“I thought he like… died in that whole library wolf incident”

“Maybe he should die.  He was so cocky and rude”

“Are him and y/n still dating?”

“I hope not, that way I actually have a chance at prom king and queen with my boyfriend”

“He looks like he just crawled out of a hole”

You looked up at Theo as his eyes raked over the halls of people.  You frowned having heard what the other students were saying.

“Don’t listen to them” You told him against your better judgement.  “Just ignore them.  They don’t know anything” He looked at you, a slight surprised expression on his face upon realizing that you were easing his hurt feelings.

“Well congratulations y/n” He sighed.  “You aren’t the only one who wants me dead”

You didn’t say anything, just got the books you needed and headed off towards the library.  You were supposed to meet with Scott, Lydia, and Malia there.

Let’s just say it didn’t go well.  But you had somehow convinced Malia not to kill Theo.

At the end of the day, he was just sitting on the stairs outside of the school.  Since he was no longer technically in the system, he’d spent the whole day in the library, then headed outside when the final bell rang.  You were a little late coming outside, having been stopped by Scott.

“I just don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be the one watching him” Scott told you.

“Yeah, and I’m the only one who can do it” You’d replied.  “And the only one he’d actually comply to “ You added.

“You think he wouldn’t try to hurt you and free himself?” Scott asked, not believing it as much as you did.

“I don’t” You said, before heading towards the doors.  “I’ll see you later McCall”

When you went outside, Theo was the only one there, sitting on the steps and wringing his hands together.

“Come on” You said quietly as you walked down, heading towards your car.  Theo got up and followed after you.  “Let’s go home”

The next two days, the silent tension between you two had faded away, and you’d grown used to having him in your home.  You’d gone to his apartment one night so that he could get all his clothes and other things he’d need during his stay at your house.

You were sitting in the living room, on the recliner with your legs criss crossed in your lap, a book in your hands as you read in silence.  Theo was on the couch, laying so that he was facing you as he messed around on his phone.

“It’s weird” He told you.  “It’s been awhile since I’ve had this, and I barely know what to use it for” You looked over at him as he tapped on the screen.

“Well what’d you need it for before?” You asked him, and he chuckled quietly to himself.

“I’d only ever used it to talk to you” He said, stealing a quick glance at you, and catching you with your cheeks pink and a ghost of a smile tugging at your lips.  But you looked away, trying to remove the expression from your features.

“Sounds like a waste of money” You said blankly, your eyes staring down at your book, but unable to read a word.

“It wasn’t then” Was all he said.

Another hour spent in a more comfortable silence passed before you decided it was time for you to go up to bed.  You were halfway up the stairs when you stopped, and turned around.  You thought through what you were going to do next, before descending back down and going to the living room.  You found Theo already getting comfortable on the sofa under his small blanket and pillow.

“Hey-hey Theo?” You called nervously, and upon smelling the anxiousness on you, he looked at you worriedly.  “I… I was thinking that if… if you want you could st-stay upstairs in the guest room” You told him, and his brows rose in shock.

Was it just him, or were you warming up to him again?

“You know with the whole Ghost Riders thing and-and it’s storming and the couch just seems to small and uncomfortable-”

“I’d love to stay in the guest bedroom” He cut you off from your nervous rambling, and a breath of relief blew from your lips.

“A-alright then” You said, and he gathered his blankets and pillow up before following you upstairs.

And to think the last time he followed you up these stairs, it was so you could sneak into your bedroom for some mischief before your parents came home.

“It’s here” You said quietly, opening up the door that was across from yours.  Theo followed you in, and smiled at the bed.  He missed sleeping in a bed.

“Thank you” He said sincerely as he set his things on the mattress.  You nodded, looking down at the carpeted floor.

“Yeah I just figured it’s… time” You said, and he didn’t ask for clarification on what exactly you thought it was time for, but he smiled at your kindness towards him.  He sat on the bed, setting up his pillow and everything, but you hung back at the door hesitantly.

“Uh… Theo? Can I ask you a question?”

“I told you I’d tell you anything you wanted to know” He said, and you nodded at the memory of him saying that.

“Is Stiles real? Do you remember him?” You asked the question that everyone had been wondering lately.  Theo smiled at you, and laughed, but you didn’t get the joke.

“Oh he’s real” He told you, and your face lit up.

“He is? Were we friends?” You asked, stepping a little further in the room.  Theo nodded from where he sat on the edge of the bed.

“You were very close” He told you.  “Like brother and sister.  Scott too.  You were all like a family” He said, and your heart swelled at the idea.  All this time, you were worried that Lydia was just going bat shit banshee crazy, but she was telling the truth.

“Can you… could you tell me about him?” You asked, and he nodded again.

“He was.. Very sarcastic, all the time.  There was no off switch on his mouth.  But he was also very smart” You nodded, eagerly drinking up an information he had to offer.  “He never liked me he sorta… he sorta saw through the act” Theo said, beginning to quieten a little as he looked down.  “He actually told you a lot to break if off when we were dating and he’d… he’d threaten me a lot” You bit the inside of your cheek as you tried to think of these memories, but nothing came up.  “He care very much about you y/n, that’s what’s important” He said.

“Thank you” You said softly, and he nodded, a sort of sad smile on his lips.

“Yeah, yeah anytime” He murmured.

“Are we going to win?” You asked him.  “Do you think we can… beat this? The Ghost Riders?” You asked, needing an honest opinion.  Scott’s ‘we can try’ speech was getting old and you needed real feedback.  Theo sighed before replying.

“I think it’s a long shot” He told you.  “But I’m not letting you get taken by them.  Any of you” He added the last piece quickly, but cared more about your safety than anyone else's.  You nodded, a gentle smile pulling at your lips as you looked down at your feet again.

“Goodnight then, Theo” You said quietly before heading back out of the room.

“Goodnight y/n” He responded before you shut the door.

It was getting easier for you to sleep.  In the few days he’d been there you’d felt safer, even though Beacon Hills was becoming more dangerous by the minute.  With a Nazi Werewolf running around and taking Scott’s pack one by one, and the Ghost Riders taking out anyone in sight, the fear was amplifying every day.

You’d already lost Mason, Corey, Liam, Hayden, Melissa, Argent and Stiles.  It was just a matter of time before they got to you too.

But the next night, when the house was quiet and it was late, you woke up screaming and thrashing in your sheets.  Theo had been there in a matter of two seconds, not even bothering to knock.  The only instinct he’d had was to get to you as fast as possible.

“y/n, y/n look at me” He sat on his knees in front of your bed as you sat up, tears streaming out of your eyes as he held your head in his hands.  “Hey… hey it’s alright” He whispered to you, brushing away your tears with his thumbs.  “It was just a bad dream, your safe, no one’s here” He told you in a soft tone that he’d used many times before.  Remembering your many nightmares and difficulty with sleep.  He knew exactly what to do, that all you needed was someone there to hold you, to coo to you, to tell you that you were safe.

But now, he wasn’t exactly sure of what you wanted from him.  So he sat there, his eyes staring into yours as you cried and he kept his hands cupped around your cheeks.  You surprised both him and yourself when you reached for him, slipping onto the floor onto your knees in front of him, your hands, clenched into fists, sliding around his neck as you held onto him tightly.

“Don’t let go- don’t let go” You mumbled, your eyes closing tightly.  He let out a shaky breath and wrapped his arms around you, holding you just as tightly as he used to.

His eyes closed, relishing in the memories of having your small body in his arms so casually before.  In the halls, on the couch, when sleeping, while waiting at your locker, hugging hello, hugging goodbye, in the kitchen, everywhere.  All the time.

“I won’t” Was all he could say as he ran his hands up and down your back.  “I won’t, I promise”

You stayed like that for a long time, sitting on the floor holding onto each other.  You’d never needed to be in his embrace more than now.

When more time than he thought he’d have you passed, you slowly released him, but didn’t move away, just wiped your eyes with your sleeve and stared at your lap.

“I got taken” You said quietly, opening up about what it was you’d dreamt about.  “They took me a-and no one else was there.  I was alone” He nodded, letting you pour it out before speaking.

“They’re not going to take you y/n” He said when you were quiet for a long time.  “I promise they won’t get you” You looked up at him with wet eyes, unsure of what to say to him.  Of course you didn’t believe it, there was no way he could stop them from getting you.  “I’d throw myself in front of them before ever letting you get taken, okay? He said, his hands framing around your face again.  Your eyes shot up to his, surprise and fear and what he’d recognized as adoration all inside of them.  For a moment of his staring, you thought he was going to kiss you.

But he didn’t.

He lifted you up, and set you back in bed, even covering you back up with the blankets you’d kicked off of yourself.

“Go back to sleep” He murmured, caressing your head with his hand gently before pulling away to leave.

And he left, going back to his own room, staying awake the rest of the night in case you’d need him again.

But as much as you wanted to call for him to come stay with you, you fought against yourself, and went to bed alone.

This time, feeling more lonely than ever.

You ran up to Scott desperately trying to catch your breath.  The hospital was pretty much abandoned, except for the pack, who was trying to fight back against the Ghost Riders.

“y/n!? What are you still doing here?! You were supposed to get Lydia and Malia and get out!” The alpha yelled, worry evident in his tone.

“I couldn’t leave! And neither could they-”

“Get back!” He yelled, grabbing you and pulling you away from the crack of one of the Riders’ whip.  “Run! Find Theo, and leave!” He roared, before turning back to the phantom cowboy, and growling.  You sprinted off before they began fighting.

You ran through halls, flickering lights and papers flying around.  It was like it was storming inside of the building.  You searched for Theo, your heartbeat racing as you looked everywhere.  Tears welled in your eyes in fear and worry.

What if he’d gotten taken? What if he was gone for good?

No, no not again.  You couldn’t let it happen again.  You’d lose yourself if you lost him again.

Upon sprinting around a corner, you ran into something, and fell back.  But they caught you.

“y/n!?” Theo’s nervous shriek rang through the hall.  “What’re you still doing here- you have to go!”

“No-no I couldn’t leave” You told him, but he shook his head, his hands coming around your arms as he tried to move you away.

“You can’t be here- you can’t be here y/n you have to go” He begged you, grabbing your hand and running with you to the nearest exit he could find.

“I can’t leave! I have to help!” You said, and he brought you to a hall where Malia and Lydia were.

“Oh thank god” He muttered.  “Lydia! You gotta get her out of here!” He called, and she came up to you both.

“We figured it out, we know how to stop them” Malia said as she jogged towards you too.  “Someone’s gotta be the bait”

“Yeah, and it’s not gonna be y/n, so get her out of here” He said.

“Uh, we sorta don’t have time for that” Lydia nodded off to two Ghost Riders who turned down the hall, a gun in each of their hands.  Theo cursed, grabbing you again and sprinting you as quickly as he could to the elevator at the end of the hallway.  He slammed the down arrow, and stood in front of you as the doors opened so that you couldn’t possibly be shot at.

“No, no don’t make me leave” You begged him, tears in your eyes.  “I’m not losing you again” You said, grabbing onto his shirt so he couldn’t get you into the elevator.  “Don’t make me go” You said breathlessly.  “Theo I-”

“I know” He said, his hand coming around your cheek as he stared into your eyes and brushed away your hair.  “I already know” He told you, and when you leaned in to press your lips against his, he shoved you into the elevator.

“What are you doing?!” You panicked, scrambling to get out, but he’d already pushed the button.

“Being the bait” He said, and all you saw before the doors closed, was the whip of the Ghost Rider wrapping around his arm, and a puff of green smoke go up.

And just like that, you felt the same way you had the night he was dragged to hell.  You couldn’t even hear your own screaming as the elevator descended down to the first floor.

You didn’t try to get out, just let it sit there, the doors closed as you sobbed and banged against the doors in anger.  Your claws were digging into your palms, canines grown out and eyes a dangerous shade of blue as you dented the metal elevator door from continuously pounding against it.

How could it be that the boy you couldn’t help but love so deeply, be ripped away from you again?

It had been days, and you hadn’t gotten more than an hour of sleep.  You stopped going to school, and you were too weak to go out Ghost Rider hunting with the rest of the pack.

It was unfair that Liam came back.  That Hayden came back.

You were in the school when Stiles returned, relief flooding over you as memories of him returned.  You’d hugged him desperately clinging to him, only for him to pull away from you and look at you seriously.

“Theo” He said, and your heart went mad.  “I saw him, I talked to him- y/n I’m so sorry I ever pushed you to leave him” Your lips parted as you stared at the boy who was much taller than you.  “y/n he loves you, he loves you so much e told me everything- he told me when I got here to find you and make sure you’re safe he wasn’t even worried about the goddamn train station from hell he was in” Your eyes welled with tears at the words, your hands covering your mouth.

“He-he told you all that?” Your voice cracked, and Stiles nodded.  You looked from him, to Scott to Malia, to Lydia, all of them wearing the same surprised, but happy expressions on their face.

“Alright alright happy moment over, you’re supposed to get to Liam so he’s not fighting these by himself” You nodded, flicking out your claws and glowing your eyes before running off to the sounds of Liam’s grunting.  You figured he was already fighting somebody.  You got a running start, before leaping up and grabbing the railing of the balcony, and pulling yourself up slightly, but struggling a little.

A hand grabbed you, and pulled you up over the railing, and when you looked up to see who had sat you back on your feet, you were surprised to see him there.

“Th-Theo?” You asked unsurely.  This just had to be an illusion, like Claudia Stilinski turned out to be.  He couldn’t be real.

“In the flesh” He said, and you gasped, looking over to see Liam had already taken down the Ghost Rider you’d heard him fighting.

“Fucking hell” You muttered, your hands reaching out to grab Theo and pull him against you, crashing your lips against his hungrily and desperately.  His hands flew into your hair, kissing you back with as much passion and force as he could.  You were holding onto each other so tightly, but it didn’t matter.  “Stiles told me, he told me all of it” You mumbled against his lips.  “I love you so much” You cried out, and he cupped your face in his hands like you’d done for him.

“I never stopped” He replied, kissing you longingly.

You were surprised to have made it out of the mess alive, and with everyone back home where they belonged.

It had been a long night of emotions and fighting on practically zero hours of sleep, but you were happy to be able to go home with Theo, to hold onto his arm as you both went upstairs.  He planted a kiss on your forehead before going into his room.  You followed him, watching as he went through the dresser where he kept the few pieces of clothing he had.

“Theo?” You called quietly as he found a pair of sweatpants to sleep in.

“Yes love?” He asked, turning to face you.

“Will you stay with me tonight?” You asked, and he smiled and nodded.

“I’ll get changed and be right in” He told you, and you nodded, heading into your own room to put on comfier clothes.

There was a soft knock on your open door a few minutes later, and you looked up from where you sat on your bed to see Theo standing there.  You smiled, a sense of calmness coursing through you.  He walked in, wearing only his sweatpants as he came over to you.  Until he was in front of you, but you still had to look up at him since you were still sitting.

“I’m glad you’re back” You told him softly, and he took your hands, before leaning over, and pressing a gentle kiss against your lips.  You tugged on his hands, pulling him closer to you as you shuffled back on the bed.  His hands steadied himself on either side of you, your legs in between his.

You didn’t know how to describe it, it wasn’t a hot makeout session, it wasn’t desperate or needy, it was completely soft, and slow, and gentle.  Even with him held over top of you, it wasn’t sexual whatsoever.

It was like you were just getting back into the swing of normalcy.

“Don’t leave again” You whispered, and he pulled away from you, his hand cradling the back of your head against the mattress, the other holding himself up over you.  Your eyes flashed blue momentarily.  “I can’t do any of this without you” You said in an even more hushed tone.  Theo smiled softly down at you, his thumb rubbing circles over your cheek.  He didn’t have to say anything for you to know he was promising never to leave you again.

It was quiet for a few minutes, the both of you staring at each other and holding on to the other, before Theo moved off of you to lay down, pulling you into his chest and winding his arms around you as your buried your face into the crook of his neck.

“I killed one of Satomi’s betas” You confessed.  Theo looked down at you, your eyes large as you thought back to that night, and full of tears.  “Her name was Hayley, Hayley Reid” He didn’t say anything, just listened intently as you told him the story behind your eyes.  “After you… after you were… taken away” You said taken away, but you both heard ‘dragged to hell’.  “I was angry and… and the wolf just-just amplified my anger and… and my mourning”

She mourned over me?

“I went out one night, to walk to-to clear my head” You continued.  “I didn’t even know I’d gotten so far into town it was just supposed to be for a few minutes but she was out too, just outside that place their pack all lives” You licked over your lips slowly, unable to meet his eyes.  “She asked me if I needed a ride home, that it was going to rain and she didn’t want me to get soaked” Theo raised his hand to your cheek, wiping away the few stray tears that had slipped onto your skin.  “I told her I wanted to be left alone, that I needed time to myself.  It was like… it was like I was drunk in all these awful feelings” You breathed deeply, taking another pause.  “She kept- kept asking and it just annoyed me I was so frustrated and I turned and I growled at her and-”

Theo kept quiet, still stroking your cheeks as you told him everything.  Your eyes slipped shut.

“I told her if she didn’t fuck off then I’d rip her throat out” You choked.  “And-and I-” Another choke as you trembled a little in his arms.  “I did. I did it I did it and I wish with everything I fucking have that I could go back and take it back, thank her for the ride home…”

He stroked his fingers through your hair, a small sigh coming through his lips.  All he could think about was not only your own tragedy, but all the times he’d committed the same crime.  Without second thought, and not even regretting it until he saw the way it had torn apart his life.

But you weren’t like him.  You were sweet, and caring, and always kept in mind what’s good for the community.  You’d risk your life before letting even a stranger get hurt.  For a werewolf, you were incredibly human.  With human qualities.  You were genuine, you tried your hardest to do everything from school work to saving Beacon Hills.  You had more love in your heart than anyone he’s ever met, and you proved it to him every day.

“I sat there, in the storm, I held onto her so tight and just begged for her to wake up, I just… I just remember apologizing over and over” Theo held your face in his hands again, pressed his forehead against yours as you cried, your closed, long lashes dripping tears over your face.  “They burned so bad, I was screaming, gripping onto her and screaming it was like… like my corneas were being scorched” You told him.  “But I deserved it”

“No, no y/n” He placed a kiss on the top of your head.  “It wasn’t you, okay? It wasn’t you, and it was all my fault”

“No it wasn’t, it was mine.  I shouldn’t have left.  I should’ve stayed at home, I shouldn’t have lied to the pack and said good riddance when you left.  I should’ve done something why didn’t I do something?” He kissed your head again, then wrapped you up in his arms and cradled you close to him.  “I barely knew her, but she really didn’t deserve what happened to her it was so.. So brutal.  And I always think about it… every day”

“Look, y’n, what i need you to know, is that you never meant for it to happen.  It was an accident, really.  You didn’t want her dead.  You didn’t know what you were doing”

“I mean yeah but-”

“That’s all you gotta know.  That it was an accident” You sighed, not knowing what to say to that.  Theo kissed your cheek softly, then hooked a finger under your chin, tilting your head up to look at him.  “And I want you to know, that everyone still loves you, I still love you, and you should know that nothing will ever change that” You smiled timidly,your hands splaying on his cheeks as you pushed your head against his, your noses bumping together.

“I love you too” You whimpered quietly, kissing him chastely then nuzzling your face back into his chest.  Theo smiled to himself, closing his eyes as he listened to your steadying heartbeat.

“Just go to sleep baby” He said, his lips pressing to your head and lingering them there for a moment.  “I’ll be here when you wake up, promise” He said.  You smiled, completely relaxing against him, your mind already drifting off to sleep.

And when you woke up the next morning,

he was there.

ah so long and angsty theo angst just comes so easily to me

( dedicated to liv bc she’s my soulmate and the lydia to my alli :) )

xoxo - jordie

[walkingdeadfan25]

The Threads of a Heart part 1

Dear Adam Driver please forgive the story below. I’m going to hell and I am not sure I care. Enjoy the story folks. Also @kiara2508, sorry for being a cliched bitch here’s your story fam.

Evangeline lived an ordinary life. However, her job was was not and one would think it would cause her life to have some crazy twists and boy did it. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me start at the beginning.

It was twelve at night and you could hear the painful screams of a woman as she gave birth to her baby girl. Wait. Wait. Wait. Sorry not That beginning. Let me just fast forward twenty-three years.

Evangeline was an ordinary woman but with an extraordinary job. She was a professional costume producer for big budget films. She had an older sister named Laura and an adorably cute nephew named Ben who she affectionately called Benny Boy. Despite her job she never had to leave the comfy confines of her house in New York. When she wasn’t busy designing and creating characters’ outfits she was watching her nephew. And this is where our story begins.

“Aunty Evangeline!”, Benny Boy shouted as he entered his favorite, and only, aunt’s house. “Well of it isn’t my favorite nephew!”, she said hugging him. It was funny because the eight year old was almost taller than her 4'11 self. “Aunty I’m your only nephew.”

“You know what Benny Boy, you’re right but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you any less! Just means I get to spoil you more. And speaking of spoiling I have some exciting news to tell you but first you have to promise to keep this our little secret yeah?”

“Does this have to do with your job?”

“You bet my curly locks it does. So you know how we love Star Wars,” as she said this his soulful bright brown eyes lit up with excitement, “well guess who has been made head costume designer for the next episode?”

“Aunty they’re making a new Star Wars movie? Holy cow. You’re going to be on set for that?! You’ll possibly get to meet Chewbacca!”, he replied. Evangeline just laughed at his antics. “I won’t be on set unless absolutely necessary. You know I don’t travel that much silly. I’d miss you too much plus why do you think I’m so good at my job? Because I do such a great job I don’t have to leave my comfort zone. I’m cool like that. However, since it's top secret I Could Lose My Job stuff when I go into my "secret room” no peeking or I’m grounding you from my house. If you follow the rule and I get invited to the premiere you can be my plus one deal? Only of your mom says it’s okay. “

"Yes. Deal. No going in the secret room and absolutely no speaking of the film.”

“I always knew you were smart kid. ”, she said playfully scuffing his hair. “So you got homework? If so do it and when you get done knock on the secret door. ”

She pressed a quick kiss to his forehead and headed to set about work while Ben sat at the dining table to start on his science homework.

*Time skip (because I’m a lazy author sorry) to two days before the Premiere*

“Yeah I’m just going to take him with me to pick out a dress. Don’t worry we’ll be fine. Laura I’m an adult I am pretty sure I’m capable of taking my nephew to get fitted for a tux and to help me pick out a dress.”, Evangeline fussed on the phone to her sister. Ben just looked on with a smile on his face. His mom and aunt were something else to him.

“Okay Evie. But please be safe. I love you both and don’t scar my boy for life. Dress appropriately I mean it. I’ll see you both tonight.”

“Yes mom. Haha. Love you too. Bye. ”

Laura said her goodbye and the two sisters hung up. Evangeline turned to Ben and they high-fived.

The two walked down the street on their way to get Ben sized for a tux. “Aunty Evie, do I really have to wear a tux?”

“Yes. I wouldn’t want to be seen with a street hobo. I’m just messing with you Benny Boy. If it is any consolation I’ll have to wear a really fancy dress and actually dress like a girl.”, she joked as she swung her right arm around his shoulders.

“What do you mean? You always look like a girl. Always pretty but not prettier than mom. She would be mad if I said you were.” They laughed at they entered the tux store.

“Hello! How may we help you today?”, an older man asked once they had walked in. “Ah I am here to have my nephew sized for his tux. I believe I called last month about a nice maroon tux?”

“Miss McCallastor! We have the suit and if you two will follow me over here I’ll get this young man’s measurements and we’ll get the tux adjusted.”

Ben was measured and after being reassured the suit would be ready by three the next afternoon they headed to the dress store.

“Hey Evangeline. You’re just in time your dress is ready and we want to make sure it fits well. I was just about to call you to come in. I swear it’s like you have a sixth sense sometimes.”

“Hello to you Rachelle. How have you been?”

“I’ve been good and who might these handsome young man be?”, Rachelle asked smiling, as she gestured to the flushing young man.

“This straping youngster is my nephew Ben and is also my date to the premiere.”

“Aren’t you a lucky bug. I wish I could have a lovely person as my date. Evangeline you’re lucky. ”, she said laughing as the poor boy’s cheeks turned a bright red. “Rachelle you’re gonna scar my poor nephew. Haha but you’re right. I am lucky I’ll have the best date there. ”

“Aunt Evie! You’re embarrassing me. ”

“Okay. Okay, dorky aunt chilling. Let’s try this bad boy on shall we? After we’ll grab dinner from your favorite restraint, Ramones’.” Ben smiled eagerly. “Let’s go!”, Evangeline and Rachelle laughed at the young boy’s enthusiasm.

Rachelle led them to the fitting rooms. She showed Evangeline where she could put the dress on and Ben took a seat on the nice red velvet settee for visitors. Rachelle went to the back and came back holding a black garment bag. She handed it to Evangeline and closed the door.

Evangeline hung the bag on the little hook sticking out from the stall wall and unzipped it to reveal the beautiful red gown inside. She began undressing and gingerly pulled the gown from the hanger. She slid the dress up over her slim hips. She reached to the back and zipped the dress as far as she could.

Once zipped enough to hold up, she glanced at herself in the mirror. She couldn’t believe the creature staring back at her. The dress clung elegantly to her chest in a velvet like material. The waist reminded her of a princess dress with the way the material fell out in tulle to the ground.

She stepped out of the stall and asked Rachelle to help finish zipping her up.

Rachelle gasped as Evangeline stepped out of the dressing room. “I swear that dress was made for you. Um, Ben cover your ears for just a second.”, she waited until Ben covered his ears. “If you don’t bring a man back with you for some ‘alone time’ I will have lost faith in all men. Cause girl you look like sin.”

“Rachelle you are something else I swear. You know I will not be taking any man home with me. One, I will have my nephew with me and two, I’ve stayed a virgin this long and I’ll stay that way till I find the one. On another note, thank you for you’re lovely comment. This dress makes me actually look desirable.”

“You hopeless romantic and you are desireable princess. You just don’t see it.” She walked over and finished zipping the dress up. She checked the hem to make sure it wasn’t too long and made sure the bust fit snugly and that the dress was breathable. “Well looks like the dress can come home tonight! Good luck with the premiere and don’t have too much fun.”

“Uh Aunt Evie, can I uncover my ears now!”

“Oh yeah. I forgot.”, she signals him it’s safe.

“You look very pretty Aunt Evie.” , Ben complemented. “Thank you Benny Boy. Now let me get dressed and we can go get dinner. ”

She reentered the dressing stall and zipped the dress back up. She slipped her clothes back on while Rachelle rung up the dress; Evangeline’s information was already in their system as the store was her go-to for premiere attire. Once she stepped out she gripped her dress and with a farewell to Rachelle they went to get food.

*Yay Time Skip to night of premiere*

Evangeline sat at her black vanity applying black eyeshadow to make her blue eyes pop. She also had black eyeliner and a light coat of mascara. Deciding to be slightly daring she painted her lips in a deep crimson lipstick. Her hair fell in natural curls around her face framing it nicely. She slid her dress on and added her classic black pumps to complete the look.

Just as she finished putting on her left heel her doorbell rang. As she decended her stairs she heard the person enter. “Sis look at you! You are a vision.”

“Well I get it from my sister.” Laura shook her head at her sister’s antics as she presented Ben. “Benny Boy look at you! I’m going to have the most handsome guy at the premiere on my side.”

“You don’t mean that. I know for a fact that that Adam Driver guy is going to be there and you love that guy. Don’t think I don’t remember you telling mom you were having an Adam Driver marathon or whatever.” Evangeline blushed as her nephew called her out on her “slight” obsession with the tall handsome actor.

“Oh you.” Laura laughed at her sisters slight discomfort. “Well you two have fun and be careful. No after parties and don’t have him our too late Evie please.”

“Don’t worry Laura. He’s safe with me always.” As soon as she finished her sentence a slick black car pulled up out front. “That would be our ride.” Evangeline and Ben both went outside as the driver stepped out to open the door for them. Laura stood on the stoop as she watched the car disappear down the street. Then, she got in her car and headed home to relax.

*At the premiere and they’ve got in their seats*

The two had finally found their seats and sat down. Even though she had been to multiple movie premieres each one still managed to surprise her. Ben squirmed with excitement in his seat. The two were so immersed in the atmosphere around them that they didn’t notice the tall dark haired man taking the seat next to Evangeline. They settled and looked to each other in excitement as the beginning started and the famous intro played out. “It’s happening Ben! I’m so excited! ”, Evangeline very quietly whispered into Ben’s ear. He shot her a look of pure childish excitement as he grasped her right hand. They watched the movie giving very quiet comments about the film.

Soon the sad scene where Kylo kills Han appears. All of a sudden Evangeline felt a large hand grasp her tiny hand in theirs. The large hand slightly squeezed it in a nervous manner. She didn't rip her hand away but gripped it, gently comforting who she believed to be a fan who was just as involved in the movie as her and Ben. She was so engrossed she didn't notice the slight tingles the mystery hand caused.

Once the heartbreaking scene changed, the hand was suddenly gone as if the owner finally realized what he had done.

The movie came to a close leaving the two eager for the next installment. Ben turned to his aunt, “Is Kylo a bad guy? Why did he kill his dad?”

“Despite his anger issues I believe he’s a good guy. He's obviously struggling the same way his grandfather did but there’s a light in him. You can tell when he killed Han. There was a moment where you can see he knew he was wrong. I believe he’s good but is having to stage as the bad guy and will eventually over throw Snoke and become leader. What do you think?”

“I agree with you. He doesn’t seem like a total bad guy. He just made some mistakes but he’ll turn to the light side. I have hope for him he is pretty cool. Not to mention he’s played by that guy you’re so fond of. 'Oh Adam you’re so handsome with you’re perfect hair and face’.” “Benjamin Maklin!”, Evangeline was hoping to the gods above no one heard that. He just laughed and they moved to leave. However, they didn’t notice that the man next to Evangeline had been the same man Ben was talking about. They also didn’t see how his eyes followed the slim figure of Evangeline out of the theatre or the slight smile and blush on his face. He had been in a slight trance during the movie and noticed the dark haired beauty beside him. He could hear some of their conversations through out the movie and they brought a smile to his face as he heard them exclaim happily about seeing familiar characters. He was embarrassed when he realized he had grasped the strange beauty’s hand but found that despite his completely enveloping hers, it fit like a puzzle piece and was extremely soft. He also might have held on longer than he intended to as he secretly enjoyed the slight tingles that shot up his arm.

*And that’s part 1 hope you all enjoyed! Part 2 will be soon.

[alexanderwrites]

Thoughts Roundup - Twin Peaks: The Return, Part 10

“Laura Is The One”

After the wild, nuts-to-the-wall freakout that was Part 8, Parts 9 & 10 have returned us to a more conventional mode of storytelling - it should be noted that “conventional” is used here very loosely, and that by episodic TV standards, these episodes are still pretty nuts-to-the-wall. Maybe part 8 pushed its nuts THROUGH the wall whereas 9 & 10 just gently press the nuts up against the wall. Maybe I should drop this analogy altogether and get into what was a slow, ruminative but intensely powerful hour of TV. (Also - I didn’t do a write up last week because i’m stupid and forgot).

. The violence against women in this episode can’t be ignored. It’s right there, front and centre. We start with Horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE Richard Horne being his horrible self and killing (or at least brutally attacking, she seemed to still be breathing) a witness to his earlier hit and run, before we move on to Amanda Seyfried’s Becky, who is viciously attacked by her ALSO HORRIBLE boyfriend. The trifecta is completed when Richard heads to his Grandma’s for a vicious, intrusive robbery. There is commentary on violence towards women here: when Robert Knepper’s Rodney is accidentally swatted in the face by Candie, it leaves a small mark, but no harm is really done. She is beside herself the rest of the scene, wailing and crying and overridden with guilt and fear. She feels genuine sorrow - contrast this with Richard’s nonchalance towards his violence against women and we start to get a look at how disparately different victims of violence are treated. 

The violence on display is as much about our perception of gender roles and their function within narratives as it is about highlighting how HORRIBLE these characters are. Having said that, it would be nice to see more female characters with a little more agency in the foreground. I do wish we had some more diversity when it came to leading women in the show (not to mention the almost non-existence of women of colour in the show) to counter-balance the violence against them. I believe the characters ARE there, but due to the unimaginably huge roster of characters, a lot of them are shuffled to the back. It’s a shame because you know what? I could watch an entire hour of Jane Adams’ Constance. She’s such a charmingly funny and unique character, and every time she turns up I hope she’ll get more than a few lines. Diane is similarly fascinating, but because of the narrative structure (and this and last week’s revelations), she’s being kept at arm’s length. A great character again, but I hope she isn’t absent in future episodes like she was tonight. Luckily we have Janey-E (Naomi Watts is just the greatest of all time and I won’t hear any arguments against it) as a prominent character, and she is a fascinatingly complex one, as she swings from being weirdly performative to achingly sincere. It’s easy to list a whole bunch of other great female characters, but I suppose what I wish is that they were more central to the plot in a positive way. Twin Peaks couldn’t be Twin Peaks without violence. It’s one of the things that the show is fundamentally about, and furthermore, how we react to, or DON’T react to that violence. But I don’t know that we need three scenes of it in one episode to highlight that. Then again, discomfort was probably the intent. We’re meant to feel like something deeply wrong is happening, and if that’s the intention then this episode succeeded. 

. I talked about that more than I expected, so moving on! Nadine got the moment of the night for me when her Silent Drape Runner store was revealed. Get it, girl!! I adore Nadine, the absolute weirdo. I dearly, dearly hope we get more of her over the next 8 episodes. It’s almost impossible to see how she could tie in to the central story which is a shame because she’s one of the most fun people to watch on the show. 

. The scenes with Cooper were a mix of hilarious and tragic, as they tend to be. It is both understandable and unfathomable how Janey-E could find him attractive - on the one hand, the doctor’s scene reveals how scarily in shape he is. No one’s blaming her for checking him out. On the other hand....come on. You’re attracted to the guy who drinks coffee like it’s a sippy cup of ribena? It’s a funny notion, but also a little sad because it makes you realise how starved for warmth and affection she probably is, as anyone would be. Him, too. Their sex scene is initially pretty funny because of Kyle Maclachlan’s fucking expressions (literally). Man, he has proven himself to have adept comic skills this year - as well as pretty much every other acting skill known to the profession. But as they lie together afterwards, it feels poignant again. It’s another reminder of how close yet far away our Coop is, and as much as I want him to find himself, I want Janey-E to be happy and find herself, too. She’s been put through some shit, having unwittingly married a non-human doppelganger manufactured by an evil entity who has escaped from another dimension. That’s a lot for one person. Plus she’s named Janey-E. How unlucky can one person be?

. I sort of liked the stuff with Jim Belushi and Robert Knepper. They give a couple of very intense and solid performances, but the problem for me was that it’s another complex storyline being introduced so deep into the series. If it’s one that lasts a few episodes - fine. But i’d almost like to see their part wrapped up - or advanced dramatically - by next week, mainly because there are more interesting threads the one these two linger on. I want more Doppelcoop. I want the Bookhouse Boys heading to the black lodge. I want more Patrick Fischler rather than the guys he gives orders to. It’s hard to judge from episode to episode which assortment of characters you’ll get, and it’s starting to feel like this series’ logline should’ve adapted an existing catchphrase: “Twin Peaks is like a box of Gormonbozias: You never know what creamed corn nightmare you’re gonna get”. I personally am happy with whatever assortment we get, but getting Belushi and Knepper’s characters is like getting a pretty nice plain milk chocolate when I could be getting a delicious hazelnut deluxe. It’s not bad at all, just...perfectly fine. 

. When it comes to Diane and her relationship with Doppelcoop, i’m utterly intrigued and utterly uninterested in guessing where it’ll go. There will be a million theories floating out there about how and why they’re in contact, but i’d rather just watch the story play out rather than guess ahead. It’s a very cool development though, and Cole’s vision of Laura at the door was completely disarming and haunting. Again, I don’t really want to guess ahead at how Laura will play into the following episodes, but we know she will. That’s enough for me. I’ve been browsing the Twin Peaks reddit lately (I know...I know) and i’ve gotta admit i’m waring very thin from it. Not EVERYTHING is a thing, guys. I’m beginning to think all the fan theories are detracting from the story, when really i’d rather just experience the ride. We can’t outsmart Frost and Lynch and they’ll tell us what they want and in the manner they want to. And anyway, more interesting than a tenuous “it’s all set in another dimension and i have proof!” theory is something that put maybe the biggest smile on my face yet: ALBERT ON A DATE!!! With CONSTANCE!! How utterly delightful. I guess he’s got over his love of Harry Truman, then. 

. I really thought we were going to get Audrey this episode, as we inch closer and closer towards her through her horrible bastard son. Seeing more of Johnny this season has been a surprise, but from what happens to him tonight, not a pleasant one. It is fully heartbreaking watching him try to wriggle out of his restraints to rescue his Mum, and a pretty solid metaphor for so many of the male characters on the show: When a woman is being hurt, the men are impotent to help. For Johnny, it’s understandable that he can’t, the poor guy. But for the other men? It’s not that they can’t, it’s that they won’t. Harry Dean Stanton’s Carl plays a lovely old folk song outside his trailer, looking briefly torn up when he sees a mug go flying through a trailer window, the sound of a furious male voice growling from inside. Does he go and intervene? He doesn’t. And he’s a ‘good guy’, right? I re-watched Blue Velvet again yesterday, and was blown away by how full of shit Jeffery Beaumont’s good-guy image is. Like Carl, when he sees Dorothy’s attack, he doesn’t step in. He just watches. This seems to be a recurring theme with Lynch: those who see violence against women stand by and allow it to happen. And there ARE Carls everywhere, who’d rather say “That’s sad but not my business” than stand up and help. What happens to the Woman who witnesses evil (ie Richard’s hit and run) and tries to report it? She’s destroyed by a Man. God, it’s heartbreaking. The layers of commentary get deeper even as I write this, and I realise things about this episode I hadn’t thought of. I think part 10 is the most troubling and divisive, yet most fiercely critical yet. 

. And then, we get a surprise I truly wasn’t expecting: more of The Log Lady. Maybe the most iconic, important and wise character on the entire show, leading us onwards through the dark night. God bless the log lady, and god bless Catherine Coulson. Every word she speaks is fraught with such pain and feeling, and it’d be a fucking sin for us to not cherish every word of it. I found myself listening to her words just as Hawk does - with eyes almost closed, in utter silence, revering them and their power. At the centre of this Season, underneath it all, the real heroes are Hawk and The Log Lady. It is so nice, so utterly refreshing to have such a pure moment of goodness and beauty, and for it to be between a Woman written with true agency and a Native American Man who has risen to protect his town - two beautiful souls who are stepping in to save the day that the white dudes have repeatedly fucked right up. It’s a gorgeous scene, and it segues into a road house performance that is easily my favourite of the year so far. Rebekah Del Rio’s performance of No Stars (No surprises, it was co-written by David Lynch) is haunting and it feels like a turning point for the series - from here on in, the darkness in the woods around Twin Peaks is out in full force. Perhaps this is why the episode is so aggressive. I left this terrific episode feeling unsettled and troubled - and that’s exactly how we’re supposed to feel. There’s a bad moon rising over Twin Peaks. 

“But in these days the glow is dying. What will be in the darkness that remains?”

[aion-rsa]

The 100 Season 7 Episode 10 Review: A Little Sacrifice

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This THE 100 review contains spoilers

The 100 Season 7 Episode 10

With every episode we watch, The 100 tussles with what its ultimate legacy be. A show where in the end, characters grow, move on, and fill their wounds with love and redemption? Or one where everyone is doomed to inevitable violence? Will Hope and Echo be able to turn toward their loved ones and heal from their respective ordeals, or will Hope become exactly what her mother tried to shield her from, while Echo commits an unnecessary Mt. Weather-level genocide in vengeance?

At least for tonight, the answer is toward love and hope, though that certainly seems to be the trend. The fact that we’re even discussing it certainly tips things in favor of the positive, as does the overall trajectory for the last season and a half. Raven’s rescue of Echo from herself was a much more earnest redemption for our favorite mechanic than the one on the death planet, and it had the benefit of re-grounding Echo back within her family circle on the show. Remember when their time on the ring mattered? Her choice to just throw love on Echo felt like a clear sign that the show is headed toward the light, one compounded by the sequence that followed.

All season we’ve been poised, waiting for a major character to actually die. It’s finally here and while it stings to see Diyoza go down like that, it feels completely perfect for her, and the show. After so much well-earned character development and a consistently excellent performance from Ivana Milicevic, she died much like Raven threatened to: by stepping in to make a real and loving sacrifice for someone she loved with her whole heart, saving them not only from immediate peril, but more importantly, from the darker path that those unretractable actions would inevitably lead toward. This feels like the kind of hopeful-dark ending The 100 could land on, where major characters die but in service to loving, character-driven ends and redemptive new beginnings.

It says a lot about the restraint the writers of The 100 showed in this episode that Clarke largely took a back seat, allowing Octavia to make the call about how to treat Leavitt, and only stepping in lightly to talk to Echo about her experience in Mt. Weather. While some fans gripe about any scene that isn’t focused exclusively on a very narrowly defined group of main characters (that frankly hasn’t applied for several seasons), Clarke and the episode were right to turn their attention toward “the three most dangerous women on this or any planet” – and the one she didn’t know about, Hope. For the majority of the Bardo storyline, this family forged on two tours through Penance is where this story’s heart needed to beat.

Perhaps the most successful aspects of the Sanctum plot are where it found its own emotional thrum: Indra existing as both a mother and warrior, and Murphy fumbling toward redemption as our favorite cockroach with a conscious. Gaia has often derided her mother’s lack of maternal instincts, which seems fair, and Octavia clearly got the better end of the deal due to timing.

But seeing Indra, who has spent so much time fearing Sheidheda and loathing her own parents’ choices at his blade, choose to sacrifice herself to save Madi, is a major turning point. It still feels like an authentically Grounder moment, to have Madi come streaming through the air to take out Sheidheda’s eye, without letting her unrealistically kill him solo (or spoil the fun of what I can only assume is a final team-up involving Indra and all of her daughter-figures.) However, with the sly nod to her people to fall in line, and by strategically using her power to spare Madi, Indra manages to help everyone live to fight another day so they can regroup.

Indra didn’t have to choose between being a warrior or a mother, doing the right thing or protecting her people. Of course not everyone can, but it certainly feels like every ounce of power, every bit of training, every skill Indra has ever mastered, was probably so that if she ever faced someone like Sheidheda, she’d have more options than her parents did: kneel or die. And she did it: she’s undaunted, and everyone’s still alive to fight another day.

The only detractor here is the filming style of the solo combat itself. In a season so thoroughly light on action, what a shame to film J.R. Bourne and Adina freakin’ Porter with ever-shifting angles. Did The 100 forget how to film action sequences? Aside from missing out on the sheer fun of watching would should have been epic, it took away from some of the emotional intensity of the scene to constantly be reorienting as the frame shifted nonsensically around the actors. The biggest emotional beats had no real room to breathe, allowing far more of this to spool out in reaction shots after the fact when it could have been baked into the heart of the fight and various capitulations.

Littered across the history of The 100 are obnoxious old white men who are very certain they know the secret to life, the universe and everything. Inside Cadogan’s Mt weather-esque lair everything is opulent, austere and euro-centric, down to the Rothko on the back all. But again and again, Gabriel is a welcome presence, pushing back against this very specific notion of nostalgia, intelligence and gentility.

Meanwhile, something similar plays out in the stone room, where jaded Grounder Niylah calls out how unoriginal and nonsensical Cadogan’s notion of a war to end all wars is. Jordan joins her, bridging the gap between Gabriel and Niylah. He makes perhaps the best use so far of his status as living rebuttal to violence while using his heritage – ethnic, but also familial – to call out the arrogance of Cadogan to assume he can translate an ancient text to mean the exact destructive end he would like it to.

For all the speechifying from Anders, he didn’t grab the bioweapon when he could have, he did the human, instinctual thing and went for his own neck. It was the calm, collected Diyoza who only ever had control of the entire room, who sacrificed herself to save her daughter from destruction and Penance and being stuck on Bardo. It’s Jordan’s knowledge, lovingly passed down from his father, that helps him see that the Bardoan text isn’t about war, but a test. It’s not Gabriel’s flaws for love – like how his desire to save Josephine was perverted into a sinister death cult – that make him like Cadogan, its his love of people like his grandmother whose water was turned off for the rich, or the people he fought with, that makes him human.

Cadogan bellows forward toward a possible war that isn’t in any way seeking him out, seemingly to satisfy his own curiosity and self-importance. It’s to settle the fate of humanity, and ultimately, will likely settle the final message of the show. Right now, it’s this juxtaposition between why different people engage in violence, and the daylight The 100 has created for themselves and their characters to allow them to turn away while still making hard choices with bad outcomes, that gives me hope.

Other notes…

Can we talk about how only Octavia and Indra have led Grounders with red blood? What a lineage! Y’all better recognize, Sheidheda

OK who gets more points for selling a goofy line, Sheidheda sneering “ai don fraug him up” (I killed him) or Miller punching “in other words, get the flock out of here”?

O saying “just hug me back, Miller” is kinda killing me

“This is Hope, my daughter. Time dilation’s a bitch.”

Every time Cadogan talks about Trigadeslang sticking around, it reminds me how little sense it makes that his daughter “invented” it, and how disrespectful it is as a writing choice.

Cadogan, sir, do you really learn from centuries ticking past if you don’t even live them?

“Good for the cult business though, am I right?” I like having Gabriel here to keep Cadogan honest

For the curious, Malachi Kom Sangedakru is Sheidheda’s real name. However, he didn’t say his own name in order in the lineage (he kept himself for last) so I still don’t know how much time – if any – there was between him and Lexa.

I’m excited for Murphy and Emori getting the faithful out, even if it put them in their crosshairs. But locking yourself in with the reactor seems also dangerous???

It’s rich to hear Clarke say there’s always another choice you can make vis a vis violence/genocide because uh Clarke usually doesn’t take the other choice. But sure! We’re all being better people now!

Wow, The 100 acknowledged that massacre-Bellamy existed! Just in time for the reveal that he is obviously very much alive. Truly a spicy episode all around.

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