#i am repeating this sentiment for now and until the end of time

[jumpinjordan]

What's that? It's 2024 and Julian Castillo never became a LI? Robbed.

[vroomvroomcircuit]

The World did not end

(A/N): 'ello and welcome to my first F1 fic. I'm quite new here (not to fanfic or tumblr, I mean F1), but I want to give back to the F1 community, since you all helped me out tons during a really rough period these last couple of months.

Pairing: Lando Norris x platonic!reader

Warnings: mentions eating food, death of a loved family member, grief, it sounds sad, but it's actually pretty sweet and hopeful (it's based on a tiktok trend), English is not my first language btw

Wordcount: .7k (she is a shorty)

Masterlist ______________

Finding Mclaren’s reserve driver crying in the cafeteria wasn’t what Lando expected to stumble upon, when I went to check out where the repeating music came from. It sounded like a sad song that could land a high spot on his next Spotify wrapped.

“Uhm, (Y/N), what’s wrong?” he asks gently as he approaches the table. After a startle she turns off her phone, which has been playing the music. Frantically, she wipes her tears. It still does nothing against the fact that she has been crying and that her blood shot eyes are very visible.

Lando shakes his head. When people think Oscar is an introverted person, she is the masterclass of introvertedness. Like, the last stage of a pokémon evolution. That’s why seeing (Y/N) cry in a semi public place like the cafeteria calls for concern.

“There has to be something. The food here is not that bad. I mean, I have the same reaction when I see fish being served, too. But today I felt like the meals were rather good. So do tell. What’s bothering you?”

First she shrugs, the twenty year old not being able to find her voice immediately. “The- the world didn’t end when I was 13.” The tears are coming back again, restricting her voice once again.

Lando gathers her into his arms. even though he doesn’t understand what is happening at all. Does that matter right now, though?

The girl needs another minute or two until she is composed enough to explain the reason behind her crying. “There is this Tiktok trend going viral right now. It’s about people saying what mundane things they are able to do, or-or which things they have achieved, and all that because the world did not end when they were a certain age. They mean they got through some heavy event in their life. And because they got through this, they are able to do said things or achieve this.”

He nods, understanding the bittersweet and hopeful outlook this kind of videos can bring. “And something heavy happened to you at 13?” He probes while trying to keep a cautious tone, not wanting to overstep any boundary he doesn’t see.

“My, you see, when I was 13, my grandmother died. This was the first time I felt real grief. I wished for the world to end, because nothingness would have felt better than this immense amount of grief. And this led me to thinking of how many times I wished for the world to end. Because there were important and life changing events approaching me so quickly. When the world ends, I wouldn’t have to go through them, right?

And suddenly I’m 18, writing my final exams in school and it felt like the biggest task in my life. it felt like make or break. But the world did not end. I was able to graduate.

Then I got into the drivers academy, I am training, studying, and meeting people. I’m doing everything and anything. Because the world did not end when I was 13.

And it didn’t end when I was 16, overwhelmed with studying for school. It also did not happen when I was 19 and put under contract to be a reserve driver for Mclaren.

The world never ended. I begged and cried for all of this to stop. To have peace. Because I thought that I would only feel at peace, when nothing happens anymore. And the world didn’t end and now I sit here with you, talking about a tiktok trend.”

Lando understands her train of thought and sentiment immediately. “You know, I’m happy it didn’t end. These past couple of months with you here were pretty fun. Even Oscar admits it! With that true little smile, not in that monotone tone of his. These interviews and the media stuff is much more fun with these silly remarks of yours. And you are an amazing human being. I’m really glad that your world did not end, because meeting you made mine better.”

(Y/N) laughs, the tears being gone and cheeks heating up at that confession. “I’m glad too. Otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to ravish my way through the mountain of pasta minutes before you came in.” They giggle, knowing they share similar food preferences and have the culinary plate of a four year old toddler.

And all that, because the world did not end.

[thrashkink-coven]

One of the hardest lessons I’ve had to stomach in my patronage with Lord Lucifer is the idea that bad things must happen.

Bad things do not just happen, they must happen. They must happen for there to be change. It’s a shitty sentiment, because what the fuck does that mean? So I needed to have been abused? So it was all in God’s plan for my friends to die and my rights to be taken? Bad things must happen? What a load of bullshit.

But what I wasn’t willing to understand is that cruelty is not natural, cruelty teaches nothing, but bad things must happen. I didn’t deserve that abuse. I didn’t deserve to be born disabled, no one does. No one person deserves suffering just to enable God’s plan. Yet, I know in my heart that I need to exist as a disabled person, how else would I create art about my struggles? i know that I needed to survive abuse to become a protector of others. I needed to have my heart broken so I could learn to put it back together. If not, I wouldn’t even be me. Bad things, strife, and adversary, are often the result of cruelty. There is never any justification for cruelty. But cruel people will exist, and bad things will happen. Bad things must happen to those cruel people, and bad things must happen to you. Pain harms us, but it also teaches us what harms us so we will stay away.

In order to see an empire crumble, it must crumble. That crumbling is the bad, the violence, the hatred. To see the fall of an empire, we must fall with it and watch it burn. How else would it be destroyed? Why else would we try? Why else would we learn and grow? Why are things getting so bad? How bad do they have to get for you to be inspired to change it?

Every terrible horrible thing that has ever happened, happened, and it’s result was you, right now, reading this. Had these things not happened, you would not be you, and you would not be reading this. I think often about my partner, who is to me, the most amazing and beautiful person in the world. How is it so that all of this carnage lead to his existence? Why?

When I say bad things must happen, I’m not saying that it’s okay that hundreds of thousands of Palestinians and Sudanese people are dying. I’m not saying that we’re “supposed to” be having our rights stripped away and our voices silenced. I mean more that, we as a species have been fighting this evil since the beginning. This evil is called supremacy. It has owned us from the time it entered the mind of the first man. We as a people have never been able to escape it, it is the devil. There is and will always be a devil, and there must always be a beacon of light ready to fight it. We will continue to repeat these mistakes on every continent until we collectively commit ourselves from eliminating that evil, and this evil will teach us through pain and suffering. All so so unnecessary, had we had the sense to look at ourselves. But this evil will not stop until it has penetrated every human soul and wiped it clean. On the other end will emerge a disciplined humanity with scars that bleed. The fall will be monumental, but the rise will be divine.

The loss of life, the suffering, wasn’t destined or necessary. This idea is not an excuse to shrug and say “God works in mysterious ways.” It isn’t God killing and enslaving all these people, it’s human beings killing other humans. Bad things must and will happen until every single person learns. Until the philosophy which holds one race superior to another is finally and permanently discredited and abundant. Until the the color of a man’s skin is of no more significance than the color of his eyes. Until the basic human rights are guaranteed to all without regard for race, bad things must happen.

If the past is perfect, in all of its disgusting and horrific ways, then I believe, or have hope that this period of trial is worth it. I like to think that I am a part of this story. And even if I do not live to see the result of all these things, I can breathe knowing that my ability to recognize these things as evil means the lesson is working. If I am the lesson and the example, if all of us are, then every hardship will temper me into diamonds. For now I can be sad, angry, grieve, and use this pain as the foundation of my action.

[charmwasjess]

I really am crazy busy, both at work and life, and of course, finishing RH, but Vampire Dooku Turns Sifo-Dyas AU won't leave me alone, so you get a little piece of the morning after Sifo-Dyas returns from his Oba Diah moon:

Cut to be safe, cause discussion of sex

“So, who even was this?” Sifo-Dyas tilted the cup of blood accusingly in Dooku's direction, but he didn’t let go of it, either. “Some poor soul from Serenno? Someone’s parent, or treasured child? Disappeared up into the big castle like so many others, but who would dare question the noble Count Serenno?”

He was not sure who he was trying to shame more: Dooku, who did not seem to care, or himself, who cared a great deal more than he could currently handle. “I wonder what color her eyes were, or what she dreamed of being in life before you–”

“Not to interrupt your maudlin fantasy,” Dooku looked almost as tired as he felt, “but I do not go about exsanguinating peasant girls in my own kingdom, Sifo-Dyas. For one, that would take a tremendous deal of time.” 

“So difficult to fit more murder into your busy schedule? I ought to be grateful you spared the time for my own!” 

“In fact, hunting and killing live beings is rather impractical. Messy, and, if we must discuss your own death, that is a fine example of the kind of loose ends left by such practices.”

Sifo-Dyas glared at him, even as he grudgingly sipped the blood. It immediately soothed the static throb in his temple, but he did not enjoy being referred to as a “loose end.”

Oh, of course Dooku wasn’t done. “Most of what I consume is sourced from medical blood banks. Supplying my own would be a logistical nightmare.” Dooku paused wryly here, tolerant amusement curling his lip. “And… the effect of drinking live blood can cause quite an ardent physical response in the body, as you may have noticed last night. To both of our enjoyment, I believe. But it would be impractical at other times.”

Ah, that was right. Last night, he’d ended up in Dooku’s stupid bed again. Their first time, mere days ago, Dooku had shamelessly used the opportunity to turn him into an undead monster. And yet, knowing that, fully aware of that, Sifo-Dyas had still gone back for seconds.

Honestly, Sifo, where is your damned common sense? He was a Jedi Master and former member of the High Council. Why did Dooku still possess the ability to make him behave like a teenage boy navigating his first crush? And why, by the black stars, why, why did his own internal voice of admonishment still sound like Lene? 

“When the time is right for your first true hunt, a ceremonial rite of passage for our kind, I’ll arrange–”

“No thank you,” he cut him off tersely, “I’ll eat rabbits.”

“Rabbits?”

“They have rabbits on Serenno, do they not?”

Dooku paused. He actually looked like he did not know and was genuinely curious.

“How did I not know about this curse of yours, anyway?” Sifo-Dyas blurted out before Dooku could tell him about any stupid theoretical Serennian rabbits. “All those years ago, when we were everything to each other.”

Dooku’s quick glance up might have been wounded. Are we not still everything to each other?

Sifo-Dyas ignored that, still feeling a little too sore and betrayed for such sentimentality. “You must have taken such pains to keep it from me.”

“No more than any other urges I hid from you.”

“Urges?” Sifo-Dyas repeated, incredulous. “Other urges such as biting me in the neck until dead?!” 

“The ritual to make you was more complicated than that.”

“Oh, right, yes, the complicated ritual. For the vampirism to properly stick, you must first be fucking me and whispering romantic lies in my ear!”

 “Sifo…” Now Dooku decidedly looked pained. “I had my reasons for–” 

“Mortis gods, do you ever shut up?” 

“–I thought it would be more comfortable for you. Endorphins from intercourse dampen any pain associated with the bite. And, if I may consider my own feelings in this, your obvious happiness and pleasure made the experience …” 

“It made me taste better?!” Sifo-Dyas shoved up from the bed. He’d had enough of breakfast with Dooku. 

[shakingparadigm]

I'm glad we have someone like you in the fandom and that you started a youtube channel too. It feels less lonely I guess! Everything you post (theories,art,informations,jokes) is in my opinion so interesting,creative and detailed. I don't really send asks but I really had to tell you that I appreciate all of this,not what you simply post,but create too! I believe after Alien Stage will end,I will miss your posts about it but I'll have a good time remembering the days before a round was dropped,where we all assembled there to scream in fear (AVENGERS... ASSEMBLE LOL) and I'm sure I'll continue visit even if you'll talk about something else,with Vivinos content here and there if qmeng and the team will post about it etc!

One thing that makes me more conscious about ''IvanTill tragedy'' is that... Ivan loved the idea,the meaning,he had of Till,because he never got to be seen by him,got to express himself and be something for Till,which means getting to really enter Till's world. So I think at some point he asked himself ''What do I love'',which led him to the circle of reasons we deduced from their backstories,reason of the words chosen in the official art,where he says ''shallow feelings''... but they weren't shallow at all... And I think this is so sad,that he could not feel the depth in it,or understand his emotions... It's so sad we don't have a glimpse of Till's pov... Thank you for reading this until the end,I'll silently return in my den :)

Sorry this turned into such a long and awkwardly sentimental post,,,, ;;

Thank you....!!!

I'm really happy that you think of me so nicely, even if my posts and speculations are off the mark... or if the things I make are truthfully not very good. Even if they're mediocre at best, I still put a lot of my heart into them. I've always had a lot of things to say, but I never really opened myself to speaking about them until earlier this year. It feels really nice and comforting to share everything and be responded to with the same level of enthusiasm. I keep repeating myself when giving my thanks, but it's just because I will always be grateful to everyone I've talked to so far. That will never change. Thank you for taking the time to send me an ask! It really means everything to me. Let's focus on enjoying ourselves and anticipating what's to come! Even though Alien Stage is bound to end, we're still only halfway there!

I genuinely would like to thank you for your support. I wouldn't hold it against you if eventually you lost interest in my blog later down the line, but the fact that you'd still want to visit even if I end up switching to other things is so kind. I can't put down everything I'd like to say in a way that sounds coherent, and I undoubtedly am making this a bigger deal than it has to be, but from the bottom of my heart I'd like to thank you and everyone who has been so so kind to me. Truthfully I'm still unsure about whether or not I even deserve it, but I want you to know that I appreciate everything. I remember everything, too. Right down to the first few people who shared their thoughts to me back when I first started this blog!

I'm sorry if I seem like a bit of a downer, or if I seem less active lately? Less present or something like that. There's a lot that I've been going through lately (to add on to that my damn house flooded. yikes. currently staying at a friend's right now), and it honestly worries me to think about a lot of things, not to mention all the asks that I haven't been able to answer yet... I'm so sorry. I'll get to them eventually, I promise! They mean a lot to me and I want to do them justice with an answer, but some days I just can't find it in me to put thoughts into words.... once again, I'm so sorry. I don't want to make it seem as though they're a burden or anything, though! It's genuinely the highlight of my day to receive one.

Your perspective on Ivan and Till is worded so wonderfully. It truly is tragic that Ivan views his feelings as shallow, especially when in reality they're so complex and all-encompassing. Someone who loves so fervently and desperately (obssessively) actively denies themselves something as simple as the validation of their own feelings. Ivan viewed so lowly of himself until the very end, believing that he was never able to mean anything to Till (You don't care about me is such a devastating line). Ivan's emotions are complicated on purpose, his character was designed with the intention to confuse. It's stated that only Ivan himself can truly know what he's feeling, but even then he is an unreliable narrator and is too deep in the throes of self-loathing to allow himself any mercy. Constantly at war with himself, even just moments before his demise.

Ivan is described to have the most flawed personality out of his peers ("twisted"). The fact that he hones in on this aspect of himself to the point where he cannot see himself as anything of worth to the people he cares about is so profoundly sad. A flaw within itself, the perfect recipe for self-sabotage.

Till's perspective on Ivan is desperately needed, even if it wouldn't make a difference to the present circumstances. When speaking of Ivan's feelings for Till, VIVINOS mentions that one cannot simply move on from such deep-seated and long lasting emotions in just a short time. Surely Till would share this sentiment, right? Constantly overwhelmed by his own heart, wouldn't Till mull over the feelings that drove Ivan to sacrifice? Wouldn't he dwell on the impact that Ivan has made on his person? What form does Ivan take in Till's memory? One cannot move on from feelings like this so easily, and although Till didn't feel for Ivan in the same way, it's undeniable that he at least felt something.

So far (iirc), the only official statement of Till's feelings towards Ivan is that Till found him strange (and vice-versa, but Ivan was fascinated and attracted to Till's "strangeness" while it seems that Till was... less so...). Although it makes sense that Till is so protective of his true feelings, it would be nice for his thoughts on Ivan to be expanded upon, just for some semblance of closure.

(Sorry if this went off-topic.... or if my answer ended up being off again haha but thank you genuinely for the ask. I appreciate it more than you could ever know).

[00127am]

signed with love and forever yours, taeyong

postage. lee taeyong & gn! reader, no warnings! cost to ship. 594 words

i can't seem to write letters to you. every time i sit down and try to write one out, i fail. i've tried a hundred times by now and each one in this hundred hasn't been able to fully capture what i feel for you. no iteration of any sort of confession seems to meet the mark. i don't like saying i love you and i don't like reducing my affections down to those three, little words. three tiny syllables. because they are too small to encapsulate the whole of what i feel for you. though i'm not sure that any words can.

and when i try to find them, the words, i draw a blank. it's the same as when i sit down to write these letters to you. each time i do, i am so consumed by you, that i cannot even write the address. how do i write to someone who makes me feel things that not even words can describe? how do i show you how much i adore you if i cannot even muster up the courage to sign your name? how do i tell you how i feel if any such words that say it best fail to reach the extent of my affections?

and if i were to write to you, to speak to you, and use the phrase i love you--i think that i would wear it out. that i would say it, again and again and again and again until it no longer bore the meaning it once did. that you would grow tired of it falling from my lips because i would say it with everything you do. and i would write it on every letter, at the end of every sentence, as if it were a period. punctuating every word and phrase which i send to you, in hopes that this overuse would properly grasp the weight of my feelings. i doubt it.

i wish i could find the words for you. but until i do, please take i love you. because i truly do, love you, in every way which extends beyond the words.

about taeyong's love letters.

taeyong writes his letters in messy cursive, rushed and impatient. it's as if he can't seem to get the words out fast enough, phrases often repeating and points made over and over again. he can never seem to find the perfect phrasing, but his rambling usually encompasses everything he's trying to say or at the very least, everything that he's feeling in the moment.

all of his letters are written on sparse paper he has lying around, ripped and crumpled. he writes on music sheets and sticky notes and receipts, covering front and back with pretty words and sentiments that pull a flush to your cheeks. he sends them along with any thing lying around that he thinks you would like. flower petals, cut outs from magazines, candy wrappers. all pieces of his life that he sends to you, so you can hold pieces of him--even when he's hundreds of miles away.

when you read his letters, you feel like your heart may burst out of your chest. you read his words like how he has written them, quickly and hurriedly, as if they may bleed off the page if you take one second too long to blink. you feel as if you've been consumed by adrenaline, heart beating a mile a minute. and when you read them, in this way that makes you ache (body and soul), you find yourself agreeing that love is not nearly enough of a word.

your mailbox

taglist. @evilsailorsenshi thank you for supporting me! ♡

🧾 © 00127am 2024

[wolfgirl-valentine]

Retired Dream AU, lyrics from “(I love you) For Sentimental Reasons” by Nat King Cole

It was a quiet evening, the interior of the apartment warm and cozy in contrast with the freezing temperature outside. 

It felt…domestic. A concept that was still a novelty for Morpheus. A companionable quietness  between them as they prepare dinner together, only the sound of the utensils as they are used and the music coming from Hobs speaker breaking the silence. 

Morpheus have acclimated to his new…situation, more easily that he expected, and he is sure Hob have played a key role in that. They have rekindled their friendship before his change of status, and when he and Death have showed at his doorstep a rainy night, he only looked at his drenched, shivering and very human shape before opening his home for him.

It was supposed to be a temporary thing, only until he found his footing, but the more Morpheus spent time with him, the less he wanted to leave.

When after a year living together, he confessed his change in feelings (so tentatively, so scared of rejection) and Hob responded with a bright smile and teary eyes so full of love, Morpheus feel his chest filling with a warmth that has stayed ever since.

Right now he can feel it from the tip of his toes to the top of his head, as he help chopping the vegetables meanwhile Hob stir the pots on the stove. It pulses as a beating heart as Hob places a sweet kiss on his cheek when he comes closer to pass the cut carrots to be added to the stew.

The song from the speaker ends, and as Hob places the lid of the pot and adjust the heat another begins.

"Oh I love this song!" Suddenly Morpheus founds himself being dragged to the middle of the small kitchen, embraced by the warm of Hob arms, being rocked softly to the rhythm of the music, Hob humming quietly next to him.

" I have told you Hob, I do not dance." There is not real heat behind his remark, and by Hob chuckle he knows that.

" Ah but we are not dancing Love, we are…just embracing in our kitchen, moving together, with background music…" Morpheus huffing gains him another chuckle, and he lets himself enjoy the moment, so many things he is experiencing at the side of this ridiculous, wonderful man.

When the next verse starts, Hob voice joins it, and as Morpheus finally pay attention to the lyrics, a coil starts to burn in his chest.

"I love you,

and you alone were meant for me,

please give your loving heart to me

and say we'll never part"

Morpheus vision becomes blurry, and he is mortified to realize he is crying, but this time there is no negative feeling involved, just warm, Hobs warm, the comfortable warm of their kitchen, and the warm inside Morpheus own chest, and he realize that warm is love, a sob left his lips, but a smile is stretching them, and Hob just hug him tighter("It's ok love"), still rocking him as he whispers the next verse, and Morpheus only let the tears run free, because he can have this, Hob, their home, their love…nothing, nobody is going to take this from him, and as the last line repeats again, he joins Hob voice, his own hoarse but firm.

"I've given you my heart"

(sorry for any grammatical error, english is not my first lenguage)

(photos of my drawings taken with my phone)

This idea make me get out of my bed at 3 am, going to let it in pencil because I’m sure if I try to ink it I’ll make it worse.

Dedicated to my people in the “Dreamling con ñ” server

[autumnslance]

Year of the OTP - June 2023 - Confession

(Time to yeet out a scene I've sat on too long. Altered dialogue from late Shadowbringers 5.0, in Amaurot at the last quest. 1035 words. References a few other previous writings.)

“Well, this has put everyone in a solemn mood, hasn't it? Honestly, we're not even sure this will be the end of it. But I suppose we should speak our minds when we have the opportunity. You taught me that much in Amh Araeng.”

Thancred took a breath. The air was still and damp. The letters were a weight in his coat, but there was no time, no opportunity for her to read them; he had squandered every chance. “So forgive me this moment of sentiment, Aeryn. By dragging me into this sorry mess, you've given me the chance to think and act as I should have…”

Say it. Tell her.

“...For Ryne's sake.”

True, but not the only truth to be said, bloody fool.

He swallowed. “Words cannot express how much this has changed my life, or how grateful I am for your support…”

He glanced at Ryne, so lost in her own thoughts she didn’t even look up to frown at nor encourage him. He sighed, reaching out and taking Aeryn’s hands in his. Aeryn looked at him, head tilting in her usual quizzical manner.

Gods, she looked brittle. Her white-streaked black hair looked like straw, her skin splotched with pale discoloration and seeming nearly translucent. Her eyes were perhaps the worst; he had always been fascinated by the changeable nature of her gray eyes, how they so expressed her moods even more than her frequent blushing. Now they were nearly colorless—yet still hers, her intellect and compassion still present.

I don’t have the right to say it. To add that pressure when she’s already close to cracking…

“Thancred?” Her voice was still her own, clear and strong.

He could not let those lessons go to waste. There may not be another chance, much as he prayed there would be. “That’s not all I wished to say,” he said quietly. The thick hush of the ghost city around them almost swallowed the words.

“Mayhap your bardic skills have grown rusty,” she teased gently with a strained smile.

He chuckled. “Indeed; I haven’t had much need to be a charmer—not when I would rather be guarding your back, and standing at your side, for as long as you will allow me.” He reached up to carefully cup her cheek, thumb brushing across her skin, wishing he could wipe that dreadful light away. Her eyes widened, darkening with emotion until they almost looked normal again. He smiled. 

“After everything, after all of this, I want—I need you to know, Aeryn, that I am in love with you.”

She sucked in a sharp breath and went very still.

His pulse pounded in his ears, but he’d said it, by the gods.

“I know my timing could be better,” he said acerbically. “And I haven’t forgotten my promise.” The damnable promise she had asked the day before, as they had left the Ondo to journey across the sea floor. “If anything, it makes it more important that you know—that whatever you need, whatever you ask, I can do naught else.” He paused, seeing the mists gathering in her too-bright eyes. “Our circumstances are wretched, so you needn’t worry about saying aught in return, just—”

“But I love you too,” she blurted, then blinked in the way she did when she surprised herself.

Thancred froze, afraid for a moment that he held her too tight, staring at her, the hammering of his heart loud enough to call attention from the shades around them. He was vaguely aware of Ryne now watching.

“I...am in love with you,” Aeryn repeated, with a little sobbing laugh. “I think I have been for awhile, but I didn’t know how to say it. When to,” she shook her head. “Perhaps you weren’t the only one who needed to learn something in Amh Araeng.”

His heart crinkled. Somewhere up the street Alisaie called back to them, though he couldn’t make out the words. He lifted Aeryn’s hand, brushing his lips over the backs of her fingers. “No promises,” he reminded her. “But we should talk later.”

Please let there be a later.

She made another half-sob, half-laugh sound, and nodded. “We should,” she repeated, voice shaking only a little.

“Meanwhile, even if words fail, I shall express my gratitude and love through action,” Thancred said. “No matter where you decide to go, I will be there, guarding your back.”

Or protecting Ryne and the others from you—as you asked. Gods, please don’t let it come to that.

Aeryn let out a long, shaky breath, and smiled. “That means…everything.”

He looked over at Ryne, who gave him a wan smile. “Now, I think Ryne needs a word. I’ll mollify Alisaie and Y’shtola’s tempers until you two catch up.”

Thancred hated stepping away, but he did, their fingers reluctantly slipping apart as he walked down the street while Aeryn turned to Ryne.

He’d said it. By the Twelve he had said it, and wondrously, Aeryn had said it in return. Would that he had been able to say it sooner—between everything with Minfilia and Ryne, his own base cowardice, and now, now Aeryn was—

It didn’t matter, he told himself. What mattered was that they had said it. That they knew. Their timing was shite, but the knowledge could not be lost now. Not between them.

“Everything all right?” Alisaie asked as he caught up to the others.

“Fine,” Thancred replied, a bit hoarse. He caught Urianger’s gaze, his raised eyebrow. Thancred smiled and gave a brief nod; his expression must have given away more than he thought, as Urianger visibly relaxed and grinned back. Y’shtola caught it too, brows drawing down together even as the ends of her mouth twitched upward. Had there been time, he would be receiving an earful, he was certain. “We each had our piece to say to our friend—though from Ryne’s expression, perhaps she needs to hear a few herself.”

The twins were peering at him now, stances their own but the gaze the same. They never realized when they did that. Thancred tried very hard to be nonchalant, to pretend all was normal, that his heart was not skipping and singing and screaming and sobbing all at once.

—

(I keep trying to write the parts around this but in the end...this specific little bit of Thancred's POV is it. Well, there's maybe a bit of Ardbert teasing Aeryn as a bro should, but that part's on Ao3.)

[spaceyflowers]

hi!! im still alive!! + updates on this blog

first: i would like to apologize for disappearing without a word for like. nearly a year. im terribly sorry for any worry i've caused T_T;;

honestly i have no good excuse for disappearing like i did especially without reason (not that im obligated to let everyone know my business but i did have a "i wont randomly disappear!" sentiment and yet... here i am) but in a nutshell, its basically: fandom shifts, college, and guilt.

if you want to know about the future of this blog fandom wise;

still going to be a lookism/viral hit blog (havent caught up yet) but most likely wont be as active in the fandom anymore;;; thinking of sticking as a lookism blog until that series ends but who knows when it will so i might eventually just change fandoms 😭

please dont feel bad about unfollowing or anything!! curate what u wanna see with who u follow, i take no personal offense, even if we've been long time mutuals!! ><

fandom shifts will probably be more common; i have this weird thing where i cant focus on multiple interests or i get stressed;; so i get obsessed with one thing for months/years but then once i lose interest and move on, its likely i wont return to it unless something triggers it. thats why i dont think "multifandom" fits me, i'll always be fandom focused, its just the fandom focus changes 😭

p.s. sorry if im being dramatic about this (i feel like a youtuber who got canceled writing an apology 😭😭) i just feel like i owe yall an explanation </3

if you're curious about me, i've left that under the cut;

got into a new interest which made me stop looking at lookism/viral hit stuff -> knowing my blogs are lookism focused, i decided to take a "break"

couldnt get myself back into lookism after my "break" ended -> couldnt get myself back on tumblr

started to feel guilty because i havent been active in a long while

senior year ending, school takes my priorities -> summer break comes, i swear i'll apologize on tumblr but guilt eats away at me and then i have to do college stuff

become a little active on tiktok, start feeling more guilty because im active there but not on tumblr

college begins, get busy with college stuff -> during breaks, swear i'll apologize on tumblr pt 2 but the guilt has piled up so much it feels like the equivalent of when a person cant get themself to reopen their animal crossing new leaf game because they havent touched it in a long time

first college semester ends, winter break starts -> finally convince myself to get over it and start typing all this up

once again im really sorry T_T i was not made for the content creator life bc i cant stay active for shit + i feel so bad gaining followers for one thing but once i move on from that one thing, it feels like im disappointing a lot of ppl even tho i know i dont owe strangers on the internet anything- im just repeating myself now but yknow

oh and for anyone curious: my current fandom is dmc <3

[aboutcustardcreams]

It's you and I

Abby Gerhard x fem!reader

On the way to Abby's house, Gabrielle (my character) spots her girlfriend and Carol on the porch, sharing a too intimate moment. How will she react?

fluff and angst with happy ending

As I stand there, in trance, I'm completely lost. My head spins and my heart aches painfully. I've never been certain of anything in my life, and I'd lie if I said I knew from the beginning what I was doing. But that sentiment, damn it, that one, I could have sworn was real. I can't keep my eyes on the scene too long; it's only been one second, maybe two, yet it hurts unbearably so. I don't realize I'm crying until I feel my own hot tears slide down my cheeks and wet my lips. My fingers drop the little gift that I personally wrapped for her. I'm frozen in place just few meters away from Abby's porch, where she stands, both her and Carol. That night, we should have spent it together.

A sob escapes my mouth and at the same time, my legs turn weak and I bend my suddenly sandy knees. I don't want to stay there, yet I can't move yet. I refuse to see what else is happening between the two women so I keep my gaze on the soil under my knees. All I can hear are their muffled voices, then silence again. The engine of a car starts and I presume it's Carol's. I wonder if Abby is leaving with her. Would she really do something so awful to me? The headlights illuminate the garden path, and it's maybe with that glow in the dark that Abby sees me. I don't need to look up at her to feel her gaze upon me. When she calls my name, I remain quiet. I hear her delicate footsteps coming at me, but she keeps up the pace as I continue to ignore her.

"Gabrielle, sweetheart, what happened?" I can't believe she is really asking me this question. As if it couldn't go worse than that. Does she really believes I haven't seen a thing? She places a hand upon my shoulder but I shake it off as if I had been burned. Her eyes too well up with tears at that point. She is devastated and confused but so am I. Like mine, her knees bend and she crouches in front of me. "Sweetheart, please, tell me what you saw..." her voice comes out shaky and insecure. There is a certain urgency in her tone now. Mortification even. Well, at least she is guilty, or maybe she is only putting on a show. How can I know at this point? For a brief moment she acknowledges the small package left on the ground. On top of it a red envelope written with a very fine calligraphy bores her name above the seal.

"I can't believe you want me to repeat what you did," my voice comes sharp, I've never heard myself speak this way. It doesn't even sound like me. When I finally look up at her I barely see her. I have so many tears welled up in my eyes that I struggle to bring into focus past my nose. Everything around me is blurred and unclear, as if I am trapped into a dream. A nightmare. Abby bites her bottom like and shakes her head slowly, "you've seen us.." realization hits her like a running train. Her face looses color at once. I say nothing, and her heart breaks at the distance I've put between us already. "No, no, it's not like that. Oh Jesus— it's not," I notice she is having a hard time trying to explain herself. Maybe because there are no excuses to justify what happened. I exhale shakily, my limbs trembling, "I thought things between us were going fine," a bitter smile appears on my face, "great even," I voice sadly.

"Listen, I know what it looked like, but I swear to you, it was just a big, terrible misunderstanding. Carol—" she freezes when I start chuckling lowly. It seems that I'm amused by the entire situation but the truth is that that laugh hurts like a roundup of knife wounds in the chest. "I could never compete with her, that's the truth." I reason partly resigned. Abby's frown grows deeper as she looks at the way my face crunches up and sheds tears with no control. She keeps shaking her head, she repeats over and over that I'm wrong, that Carol means nothing to her, that she can't even begin to compare to me and to what we have carefully build  together. I mumble a bit spaced out, "she is so beautiful, self-confident, it's with her you feel safe with. It never was me, although I sure hoped to be. I was just.. a rebound thing for when she wasn't around."

I can't believe I found the bravery to say these things but I'm hurt beyond words and I don't know how to cope. Abby scoffs between tears, I can see it in her eyes, she is outraged by what I've just dared to spill. I don't believe it, not completely at least. Her cheekbones turn scarlet, both in exasperation and fear. "You stop it!" Her nostrils flare, suddenly it looks hard for her to breathe properly. She shakes like an orange autumn leaf. "None of this is true. Do you hear me?", she angrily wipes her tears, her lip  quivers as well as her voice, that comes out in a stuttering mess, "how can you think such an awful thing? How can you even say that?"

She reaches out to touch my forehead, and this time I let her fingers linger on my skin. "Carol and I are nothing," I want to believe her, but after what I saw, it's so hard. I inhale sharply, "Please, just—" I trail off, "don't touch me," she can't believe it. She doesn't accept my distance. I can tell by the rigidity her back assumes, by the way her eyes tighten and her breathing gets heavier and louder, "no, now you listen to me," stubborn as ever, Abby Gerhard hardly ever lets herself be tamed. I wonder why she is crying so desperately. What did she hope to achieve? Spend time with me on odd-numbered days and have fun with Carol on even ones? Or maybe have both and get away with it thinking I'd never find out?

I crack a thin smile, and her fingers tighten around my arm with much force, "she kissed me and I pushed her away the second she did that," I frown as I consider the option. She sniffles and waits for a sign, a nod of hope from my part that yet struggles to come. She tilts her head to meet my downcast eyes. She lifts my chin when I stubbornly avoid her orbs, "I told her it was wrong, that my heart belongs to another person and that's been this way for way too long that it is impossible for me to ignore it. Do you understand that, Gabs? I rejected her because I only love you and that's not going to change." I softly wipe my tears. She comes closer and when she does, her sweet perfume inebriates and weakens my senses. It's so good, I tell her often. She knows that's my favorite fragrance.

I remember of the cozy afternoons we spend together, sitting on the living room floor, as we smoke from the same cigarette and at the same time, sharing soft and sloppy kisses. I've never been a smoker myself and she knows, I only do it to have the sensation of kissing her lips from the cig too. Call me crazy, but that's what love feels like for me. I also remember when we play dumb and silly, we make faces to see who can make the other laugh first, or when she poses like a movie star and I pretend to be her personal photographer, holding my hands as if they were a camera. The slow dances under the moonlight. The conversations about life. Our life. Didn't that mean anything at all to her, considering to me it meant everything?

"Look at me, Gabrielle," she pleads. I grit my teeth in return. She groans painfully as I keep resisting her. I want to believe her with all my being. I'd be willing to smash my head against the wall in the hope to forget what I saw to grant us another chance. Because I love her and love makes people do the most questionable choices. "Gabrielle now stop it, and look at me!" she is mad, angry tears slide down her cheeks and neck. Her eyes are puffy and red, and lightly squinted as if it hurt to keep them open. "Look at me in the eyes and tell me I'm lying to you!" I tighten my hands into fists so strongly that I pierce my palms with my nails. How dare she? She infuriates me because I know what I saw. Carol's hands around Abby's waist while she kissed her. While Carol kissed her... Abby kissed back, right?

I look up at her as she asked because despite everything I struggle to deny her whatever she asks for. She clings to my clothes and pulls me against her a tiny bit possessively, but I recognize the behavior as desperate most of all. "Carol came to me, she was devastated about the question of the divorce, the custody of Rindy, and also about the way she treated Therese. You recall of Therese, right?" I nod absentmindedly. She was just another young, naive girl deceived by an older one. Well she was way younger than me, only nineteen if I'm not mistaken, and the fact that Carol was probably her first love, doesn't make it any better. "She used that girl only to come back to you. Isn't it?", Abby would have gladly slapped me in the face for that assumption, yet she didn't. It makes me falter because maybe I'm getting it all wrong. "That's bullshit, bloody hell. And I goddamn love you! And Carol loves Therese!" Her hysterical cry makes me sit upright and I frown, feeling both wrong and guilty. What if I'm only a ruthless monster breaking her heart for getting it all wrong?

"Abby...", I voice softly, tempted to reach out to cup her cheek. I love her. I'll always do. I was stupid to think that hurting her would make me feel better. Spitting those venomous words is only increasing my pain. She hiccups and shakes her head feeling helpless, "Carol told me she feared that Therese might never forgive her for all the things she put her through. She loves her so much, she never felt this way before. Not even with me. In a moment of weakness, while she realized I could be the only person to understand her struggle, she... she just kissed me. But she didn't mean to. She kissed me because she fears the possibility of being left alone." I can see the guilt in her eyes and the small resentment in regards of Carol for having caused all of this.

I nibble on my bottom lip as I ponder on her words. How could I be so blind? That's my Abby, not some stranger I've just met up in a bar. I feel it in my soul, that she isn't lying to me. In her heart I always knew there would be a place for Carol, and I accepted that when we met. But what I still have to learn is that the place I'm referring to has nothing romantic in it. Abby and Carol grew up together, they experimented love, and fell out of it. Why was it so hard for me to understand? I had the chance to meet Carol, I knew she wasn't a bad person. But, goddamnit, if I hated her right now.

Abby reaches out to cup my face as if she could listen my thoughts loud and clear. "She apologized as soon as she realized what she did," her voice is a bit steadier, her forehead rests upon mine in a gentle, sweet cuddle I was craving so much. I breathe slowly, but I still feel my heart thrum loud and painful in my ears. Her fingertips brush against my damp and heated cheeks while her brown orbs dive into mine with nothing but love and understanding. I nod and for the first time, finally I offer her a kind and relieved smile. She reciprocates it, "Carol spent the last two months pretending to be who she isn't. She ignored There's calls because she didn't want to risk to never see her daughter again. You and I...," she strokes my hair, pushing some wavy locks behind my ears, "you and I are what Carol and I never were." There is so much honestly in her tone, I feel suddenly unworthy of this immense gift.

I let out a watery chuckle, as I shake my head in thought, "I never knew what I wanted from life," I reach out to touch her thigh and she smiles at the contact I'm finally granting her, "but when I met you, it felt like the skies opened up to me and showed all the things I could be thanks to you," Abby's lip wobbles and her eyelashes tremble under the weight of her big tears. However, hope veils them too. She takes her hand in mine and proceeds on kissing my knuckles one by one. I continue with a smile, "I'm born again with you Abby and I never want to lose this," I confess between guilty sobs and tears. When she pulls me closer, my heart melts to the rhythm of her light kisses. I moan softly when she places her mouth to cover mine to both hush me and soothe me. "if I see Carol again that close to you, Lord help me..." I mutter jokingly into her mouth and she chuckles heartily, nodding her head, "I'll help you," she hums and racks her fingertips through my hair.

"So you believe me?", when I place a hand upon her chest I feel her heart drumming madly. I nod and I apologize for the way I reacted. "I love you too much not to believe every word you say," I mutter and she wraps her arms around my neck, "even if sometimes I act tough, you know that I just...", "all mushy mushy and a big softie.", she teases adorably. I groan since that's not exactly what I wanted to say but I let it pass. She giggles again. Then she guides me to rest my head over her chest as we silently recover from bittersweet rollercoaster we just endured. Again, her perfume sends me to heaven. "I'd forgive you anything," I mutter to myself. But Abby hears me. She plants little kisses all over the crown of my head affectionately while she holds me, "I'd rather die than hurting you in any way," I look up at her to give her a smile.

"Same for me. Please forgive me. I was rash and unfair to you. I should have listened to your side of the story sooner and without much of a fuss." But she shakes her head, as to let me know that everything is fine. "What else could you think? It's not your fault." I nod. Then I avert my gaze towards that little gift bought for her. And I pout because the once shiny beautiful red paper is now soiled and brownish. I pick it up, examining it carefully, "I got you that... as early Christmas present but now, it's all ruined... Maybe I have time to change it and wrap it up all over again?", Abby places her fingers upon my lips to shush me. A playful grin appears on her features, while she does so. "Ah-ah, I want this. Perfect the way it is." I roll my eyes, but I don't argue with her considering the gift inside is probably still intact.

"You're so thoroughly stubborn, Abby Gerhard," I mutter in the best British accent I can perform, and she too enters in the part. Another thing we do is to pretend to be members of the upper English class just because we do it so well and it's incredibly funny. She clears her throat and pursues her lips funnily. One eyebrow majestically raised, "and also thoroughly and hopelessly in love with you, lady Gabrielle."

[peacesmith]

Jonathan’s Questioning Adventure!: Restart.

It’s been a while since I actually sat down and wrote something. Something personal to me. I mean sure I wrote poems and all, but I never held a real sentiment to them.

And yet I find myself coming back to this series.

But I couldn’t find an intriguing story to write about. I jot down my thoughts, I write about them, then scrap them. Something good happens, and it’s ruined.

So I put this off for a while, it was meant to be for a week, then some months, and then years.

Now though, I’m ready, I’m ready to restart.

“Name please.”

I stared at the lady at the front desk. Behind this glass window. Handing her my photos for my new ID photo.

“What?” I asked stupidly.

She repeats herself. “Your name. You know, to ensure you go here and all, come on you’ve been through this already. You’re a senior right? Last year here.”

I stare at her again. She wasn’t wrong. But at the same time, I didn’t feel comfortable saying my name yet. Well, deadname at least. It made my stomach twist and turn. Jesus I wish I would’ve done this before classes started. Man I wish Mariyah was here, I wish my roommate was here, just to avoid this awkward confrontation.

And yet here I am, wasting her time. With a sheepish smile, I ask her. “Can’t I just, change my name and you can use that one?”

The lady looks at me, I give up and tell her my name as she takes my photos. I couldn’t hear her well, but she muttered something about me not looking like the photo.

Man I hate ID changes.

Rehearsals were always tiring. I always ended up with spit on my pants. The downside of the French Horn in my humble opinion. Still the best instrument.

As I put away my instrument, I feel a tap on my shoulder. Turning, I see my favorite flute player. I’ll call her Rey, for the sake of her privacy.

Side note: Rey, is pronounced like ‘Ree’.

Smiling, I close my case and speak. “Hey girly, what’s up?”

She smiles at me and shrugs, slinging her case around her shoulder. I could see the wheels turning in her head as she tries to find the right words to say something.

“Not much, not bad. Tired though. Although I’m hungry man, like super hungry.”

I pick up my horn and gesture for her to follow me into the locker room. Trudging over what seems to be at least 20 pounds.

“Didn’t we just get breakfast though? You practically blew my wallet.” I put my French Horn up to turn towards her, she smiles at me again and pats my shoulder.

“Thanks sugar daddy. But I’m hungry again. We should leave campus to eat lunch later.”

I shake my head and show her my Spider-Man lunch box. “Already packed lunch, sorry man. Looks like it’s cafeteria food for you today.”

Rey groans before dragging me out of the locker room to make it to our next lecture. It wasn’t long walk, so we took our time. She rants to me about something that happened with her dorm mate. I started to tune out a bit as something, more like someone, else caught my attention.

Oh man, “Sunshine”.

Rey turns to me and follows my gaze, an eyebrow quirking up. “Sunshine?” I turn towards her and shake my head, muttering an apology. “It’s sunny out today, sunshine you know? I’m gonna go use the bathroom.”

I hand her my bag, asking her to carry it with her to our class together. I run off towards the bathroom.

Admittedly, I’ve never been a fan of the bathroom. Or the men’s bathroom. It’s been my biggest fear. Public bathrooms.

I normally wait till I’m home or until it’s empty. But today, seems like everybody and their mother was here.

Standing by the door, I search for a stall. And yet I couldn’t find an open one today. The only ones open, urinals. What a pain.

Maybe I’ll just wait until somebody comes out, I can be a little late. So I’ll stand to the side.

A guy walks in, making his way to one of the urinals before looking at me. I tense up before waving. He gestures for me to go before him but I shake my head.

“No no, you’re good go. I’m just gonna wait for the stalls.”

That same guy smiles and grabs my arm. “Dude, I insist. If you’re scared of being made fun of then don’t worry about it. I won’t say anything.”

I try to tell him it’s not that, but he keeps insisting and dragging me towards the stall. I felt my palms practically drenched in sweat. “I said I’m good man! Seriously I can wait.”

He pushes me in front of the urinal and waits. Man what a great day to not bring my packer. I stand there, covering my belt as I eye the stalls.

Slowly, I stare at him as I unzip my pants. Hands shaky as he doesn’t break eye contact. I’ve always liked tension, but this was not the right kind of tension. This felt like harassment in a sense, and yet I have no backbone.

My hand grips the edge of my pants, waiting for him to leave. He doesn’t, and I start panicking. Maybe if I stand here long enough, he’ll leave.

And just as I contemplated my next move, the stall opens and I rush past him to get in there. 

“I dunno Sam, maybe I’m just not made for a relationship. Like I feel It’s going all fine and dandy.. then boom! Breakup.”

I rant to my favorite bassoon player, she listens to me while eating her Spam-sushi. Seriously, Spam and sushi? I hate Spam. It almost feels insulting to me.

“Is this about Jay?” She asks, which I tense up at before waving a hand at her. Poking my leftover fried rice.

“No no, I’m over her. Man I really thought we were going steady, not only she breaks up with me, she even drops me as a friend. Can you believe that?” This causes her to roll her eyes. It’s not like I haven’t told her this story thousands of times before. I am over her, It’s just upsetting to me about how she dropped me.

It’s silent for a moment before I spot a certain golden retriever. He walks past our table, not before waving at us and sitting with the girl of his dreams.

I stare at him for a moment before turning towards Sam. Which she gives me a knowing look.

“Yes.” Was all I said before she started smiling. She offers me a cookie, which I take. Placing it down on a napkin before continuing to poke my fried rice. I didn’t really have the appetite to eat, but I didn’t eat breakfast today either.

“If it makes you feel any better, me and Arnold broke up.” Now that was interesting. “Maybe you aren’t the only one not meant for love.”

I almost feel bad for her. They seemed like a good couple, even though Arnold was quite touchy feely with her (ewwww), they were cute. But they also were being swarmed a bit, I tried to give them alone time but I can’t help it. I hated being away from Sam.

“Why? You guys were good together.” Hopefully she didn’t mind if I pried a little into the reasoning.

She shrugs and puts her lunch away. Tying her black hair into a ponytail. “Too stressful, wasn’t ready to get into a relationship yet. I guess not after me and B broke up.”

Right. To me it was a bit strange how quick she got in a relationship with another guy. It’s almost like she had guys lining up for her. I was almost jealous.

But that made me realize something. Maybe I shouldn’t rush into another relationship. Give it time.

I felt bad. I always blamed my exes for why we broke up, and yet I never seemed to think about my contribution to the breakup.

“Johnny.” I lift my head and look back at her.

“It’s gonna be alright okay? There’s other people out there, don’t keep waiting for someone.”

That’s just what I needed to hear.

I didn’t eat today. I kind of regret that. Oh well. I’ll eat a salad and call it a day, I don’t feel great anyways.

I’ve always enjoyed the end of the day, cause I could go home.

As I make my way towards the band room, I hear a voice call out for me. Turning around, I find Rey again running up towards me. She grabs my arm and pants, catching her breath before she speaks.

“Primo, you walk too fast.” She stands up and I apologize. She waves a hand before speaking.

“It’s fine. Anyways, I wanted to know if you wanted to get something to eat.”

I was about to say that I was busy before she clings onto my arm. She says ‘please’ multiple times, sometimes in Spanish. Looking up at me with big brown eyes. I sigh and cave. I really didn’t want to eat, but when she looked at me like that I couldn’t help it.

“Fine. Querida.”

She gasps and giggles. Leaning onto me even more before dragging me off. Saying something about how she’s proud of my improvement.

I smile at her as she rants about something while dragging me to my car. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to treat myself every now and then. Especially when eating with a friend. Plus she seemed so happy, and I needed me a pick me up.

….

I forgot my horn.

Oh well.

I didn’t have an entire plot today, or lesson, just some moments from a random day that kind of stuck with me. But trust next chapter will have something a little more coherent and probably serious.

[cosmama]

☽ ⋮ ✫ ━ ❛  darkness calls to light, light calls to darkness.

*i am combining both the manga and the musical, le mouvement final, of the scene where sailor cosmos and sailor moon meet for my blog canon. the actual dialogue is mostly the same between both versions ( and as result, i didn't entirely write this scene word for word for the sake of length but know that the entire conversation is 'canon' regardless ). there are, however, major and subtle differences between the two besides that - such as chibiusa being present in the musical, chibi chibi ( sailor cosmos ) coming off as much more broken / emotional, and me liking the scene of cosmos and sailor moon embracing each other a little bit more in the musical so i'm adapting these things. gifs are made myself.

in the desolate future.

a solitary figure flies alone amongst dead stars. another battle has been lost - even more gone under her command. there are times when she's lost, times where she remembers all the suffering of her past. in that fight all those years ago...had she chose the wrong path? ' if i had just annihilated everything...would this suffering had ended? '

akari hesitates, pulling her staff to her chest as she tries not to give into the pain of her memories again. ❛ sailor moon...you will know more despair and loneliness than you have experienced before. but... ’ a dangerous decision is made, her eyes cold and detached as she accepts what must be done to stop this endless destruction. ❛ i can be there. to not only protect and support you but...to help you make the right decision this time. '

thrusting her staff into the air, akari shouts a final command before she leaves this time - and soon, this world. ❛ COSMOS POWER, TRANSFORM! ’

───────────────────────────────

october 1996, sagittarius zero star.

the road to get here has been hard - witnessing so many of her loved ones die in front of her all over again tore her to pieces. despite the pain and heartbreak, akari remained resolute. ' only act when the time comes. ' she would always remind herself. so she continued to play her part: the innocent, unassuming toddler attached to sailor moon's side until she got sailor moon to where they needed to be.

the galaxy cauldron.

❛ no. ’ chibi chibi finally speaks as her eyes scan over the last three remaining senshi until they finally lock with her her - at least, her own eyes from a past life. ❛ this fighting will not end until the cauldron is destroyed. then, and only then, will we finally know peace. ’ galaxia, who she had killed in her brutal battle alone here, was still barely breathing; her head lifting in confusion as both her and sailor moon stared down at the mysterious child - one who once barely talked outside of saying her own name. now she was standing before them in judgement.

sailor chibi moon, who she had protected from vanishing from time in a moment of sentimental weakness, could be heard from behind her as she processed the 'toddlers' words. ❛ destroy....the cauldron? ’

chibi chibi ignored her. ❛ you are the only who can sailor moon. ’ akari's eyes are determined, unflinching in their fatalistic resolve. she has come to this time for one sole purpose: to make sure the same mistake was not repeated. she had failed so many times in her life... she would not allow herself to fail at this one last mission. ❛ there is no way to end this but to destroy both the cauldron and chaos together. ’

❛ but if i destroy the cauldron.... ’ usagi glances back to where chaos roared from the sea of stars uncertain, lips trembling as she considered what was being asked of her. ❛ no stars would be born... all life would en-’

❛ do you not think i know that! ’ chibi chibi shouted back, her voice cracking with desperation as she pleads, begs, for sailor moon to do the 'right' thing. ❛ but if you don't listen to me...i-if you don't do this then the suffering will never end! and it will all be on your shoulders! even when you die sailor moon, it'll follow you for the rest of time! don't you understand?! ’ how many times has this moment plagued her dreams? how many times had she wished she had done things differently? too many.

there's a notable pause before sailor moon speaks again. chibiusa, a child who shouldn't be taking part in this war, is crying. even galaxia is silent with her head bowed in defeat as all she can do is listen to their back and forth. ❛ as long as new stars are born, this war will never end... ’

❛ there is no other choice. ’ akari can only shake her head in frustration in response to her words. ❛ there is no other way! we must do this to bring peace to the galaxy! do you not want that?! ’ chibi chibi screams, although it's much more like a grief-stricken sob. the toddlers knees collapse and she crashes hard onto the ground, sobbing uncontrollably as the weight of everything comes crumbling down on her all at once: the burden of memories of too many past lives. resentment over fighting alone without her friends. the inheritance of a star seed she never wanted or asked for. the loneliness of her entire existence.

she has watched so many brutally die year or year while she couldn't. she wanted it all gone - her future. her pain. her life. everything.

suddenly she can feel a small hand on her back, chibiusa's, in an attempt at comfort but akari's too shaken, too distraught, to appreciate the gesture - let alone process being touched by the child that would never be hers. ❛ please. i am begging you! we... i... none of us can live like this anymore. ’ akari's face is streaked with hot, fresh tears and she reaches up to clutch her own heart in pain. ❛ please sailor moon... please destroy the cauldron! ’

❛ chibi chibi...listen to me.’ reluctantly, akari gazes up to see that sailor moon is stumbling back up onto her feet, a newfound determination on her face as she does so. her eyes set on chibi chibi's, hand to her own chest too before she speaks - almost as if she's seeing straight through her. ❛ there will always be light and darkness. battle and hope. life and death. everything will happen again. everything in the universe.’

akari can only look at her, stunned as she talks and another voice joins in. ❛ sailor moon is right...even if our cauldron were to be destroyed, somewhere out there, a new future would be born too right?’ chibi chibi's head snaps up to look up at sailor chibi moon who has risen too, nodding in affirmation before giving her a small, supportive smile.

this small moment of unity doesn't last, quickly interrupted by a scream of horror from usagi. ❛ GALAXIA! ’ sailor moon is reaching out to her enemy that's caused her so much pain and despair to help her but it's too late. the woman's own bracer's had finally turned against her and disintegrated her into nothing; her star seed soon to become more food for an ever-growing chaos.

❛ chibi chibi.’ usagi's voice is trembling when she speaks again and her body slumps to the ground due to mental exhaustion of watching another die before her eyes.

❛ mama!’ chibiusa is quick to rush to her mother's aid, holding onto her shoulders to keep her from falling over in despair completely. chaos is still waiting, yearning for the light, as the two quietly sob together - mother and daughter clutching onto each other in support.

unflinching and stoic, akari simply remains planted where she is; listening attentively as she awaits usagi's choice.

❛ i won't give up.’ is the answer. ❛ i will make a future for everyone. so don't abandon your hope for the future either, okay? ’ tears well up in her younger self's eyes with each word but it's not from despair. when she smiles at her, it is beautiful - an infectious hope for the future radiating off of her despite all akari had witness her endure.

' when....did i stop being like that? when...was the last time i smiled? when...did i lose hope? '

❛ i believe in all of our hopes. and as long as our stars keep shining - we'll be alright. we won't lose.’ sailor moon softly proclaims as she gazes up at the stares above with joy and hope. the tables have now turned between them: usagi's determination versus her now wavering resolve.

❛ i...’ akari looks away, scared and unsure before joining sailor moon in glancing up at the stars. despite the carnage shadow galactia brought to the galaxy, light still twinkled in the far-off distance. there were still new stars waiting to write their own futures. there was still hope. chibi chibi looks down to take in sailor moon one more time, her cheeks flushed red and stained with tears, before finally nodding in acceptance.

❛ thank you, sailor moon.’ she says in a barely heard whisper before a flurry of feathers surround her body and then the child is gone: a woman, clad entirely in white, now stands in her place. sailor cosmos.

there's a small gasp from chibiusa, the young girl staring wide-eyed at the stranger before she looks to her mother for understanding. instead, she finds sailor moon instantly rising back to her feet despite her own exhaustion. as akari talks a small step forward, so does her other self - confusion and awe on her face as they gradually close the distance between each other. akari was visibly older than usagi - taller, paler, and somewhat bonier too. her hair and eyes were different in certain ways, but it didn't matter. the girl knew who she was instantly.

❛ are you...chibi chibi? ’ sailor moon asks. but akari can also hear the unspoken question on the tip of her tongue: are you...me?

sailor cosmos' answer is in the form of a quiet, simple bow of her head... right before gracefully rushing to be by usagi's side, closing the remaining gap between them. a hand clutches onto sailor moon's arm tightly just as her younger self softly grips her own arm in response.

❛ i am so glad i came here. ’ akari admits through tears, eyes cast down almost as if she were ashamed of herself, ❛ i have spent...too many years thinking back on this moment. regretting over and over that i made the wrong choice - that i did such a terrible thing. but it was not - the choice i made here was not wrong! ’

she exhales, releasing a sigh she's been holding in for nearly three millennia. steadying herself, sailor cosmos smiles for the first time in years as she steels herself for what is to come ❛ yes, that is right.... ’ akari says to usagi through tears of joy before gently taking the younger girl's hand in her own - a moment that feels as if touching her fills her with the strength she had forgotten she had all along.❛ there's no way you could ever lose here. because after all, we are... ’

together, almost on instinct , their hands raise as one. both of their palms touch as they both supportively gaze into each others eyes. ' sailor guardians. '

' yes, we sailor guardians can start over... again and again! ' akari thinks to herself with a quiet tearful laugh, ' no matter how many times we fall! '

' go on usagi. ' akari's voice is dripping with admiration as she whispers to sailor moon, giving her hand a tender, supportive squeeze. ' you already know what you must do - you've always known. '

the courage to abandon everything. the courage to accept everything. that was the power sailor moon had shown her.

' i will not run away more. i too, will have the courage to stand on my own - to never surrender! to have the courage of acceptance.'

[bryantspeed]

Season 2 Good Omens spoilers

Long rant incoming

Now that I’ve finished crying I wanna talk about the ending and some gut punch reactions I’ve already seen from other people. A repeated sentiment I’ve seen from Aziraphale and Crowley’s separation after the kiss is that “we don’t need more tragic queer endings” and that Our Flag Means Death and Good Omens suffer from straight writers writing queer love that fails in the end. And there are a few problems I have with those sentiments

The first being, BOTH GOOD OMENS AND OFMD AREN’T FINISHED? Like Neil Gaiman has stated in the past that he and Terry Pratchett envisioned 3 seasons in the TV adaptation of Good Omens, and we have definitely left off on a very interesting note for the third act to pick up from. This is the furthest thing from an ending as we can get.

Second, Season 2 of Good Omens very much shifted away from the idiot plot of Season 1 to truly make it a love story and emphasize that above all else. Hell, both Crowley and Aziraphale both point out romcom tropes that they find attractive and attempt to use them to make Maggie and Nina fall in love! Good Omens may be a self aware romcom, but it would be wrong to say it’s not still a romcom that subscribes to those tropes and utilizes them fully! We are ending the second act on a three act romantic story, and what typically happens then? The romantic leads, despite their mutual attraction and desire, split on ideological grounds and leave each other with regrets heavy on their lips (no matter how powerful a kiss is). Queer love stories do this too! Look at the movie “Bros”, they have this same 3 act structure, as does “But I’m a Cheerleader!” where we are screaming at Graham to please just run away with Megan but she is prioritizing her financial safety and family above her own desires.

Hell's sakes, look at the pinnacle of Romance, the brains behind the 1810 Clerkenwell diamond robbery, Jane Austen! Pride and Prejudice also follows this format where Elizabeth and Darcy are ideologically and emotionally split apart, and it is not until Darcy and Elizabeth grow and change for the better that they come back together in the most romantic scene to ever grace the world! "One word from you will silence me forever. [...] You have bewitched me body and soul". What I am trying to say is, Aziraphale going back to Heaven with Metatron is an extension of that common romance trope, splitting our star crossed demon and the too-trusting angel apart to prepare for the third and final act.

And ya know the funny thing that would have certainly happened even if they ended up together at the end of the second act? They would have been split apart very early into the third act. Stories are born of conflict, no story worth telling is one that culminates in "Nothing bad ever happened and we just watched our two lovebirds go on dates and explore each other's bodies for six hours!" Love stories thrive on setting up conflict, so that the romantic leads can fight and claw and work their way back to each other in a much more satisfying emotional climax than if the sloppy, rushed confession that Crowley gave Aziraphale had worked. Stories where the leads end up together in the middle of the story itself don't tend to end well for them (See Romeo and Juliet, "La La Land," "Titanic," et cetera). That is how you end up creating a romantic tragedy.

Third, while “We want queer stories that don’t end tragically” did have a place in film criticism at one time, and a time fairly recently, I feel that sticking to that now when there are a lot more stories that express queer joy and love (especially if you look beyond just major studios, support indie filmmakers, and support the SAG AFTRA and WGA strikes!!!) limits the kinds of stories we can tell. A genuine benefit of today is that there are a lot of queer stories that we can tell, and I’ve been lucky to read a lot of them. The freedom with which we can create stories about us is breathtaking. I've had the privilege to read many well written queer stories, but I've also had the strange privilege to read poorly written queer stories that I can't fathom how they made it past editing. There’s a fierce joy I carry knowing that there are a plethora of queer stories that I can read now, and that more are being created, good and bad.

My point is, there are so many queer stories to be told, and that are being told, so limiting queer media to “must end happily” is exactly that! Limiting! If we go in to every story with the foreknowledge of a happy ending, well frankly that’d be so boring! I want tragedies! I want fucked up characters not fully resolving their problems and being left in situations arguably worse than where they began!

And while I doubt that's the direction Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett wanted to take their supernatural love story, if Aziraphale and Crowley, despite all their struggles, are tragically separated because of metaphysical forces beyond our wildest imaginings, then that would be something new! It'd be interesting if done right! As painful it would be to not see Aziraphale and Crowley together gallivanting off to Alpha Centauri, I'd much rather see a story that has these sorts of stakes for both the characters and the audience!

Anyway, the reason for this rant is just to say that I'm excited for where Crowley and the new Supreme Archangel Aziraphale go in their final act, and by god will I impatiently wait and see.

PS: to those that I saw dismissing Good Omens' and OFMD's cliffhangers for coming from straight writers, Taika Waititi literally came out as queer, and Neil Gaiman had boycotts on Sandman in the 90's because of his queer characters, and his loving portrayal of Wanda, a trans woman that I will protect will all of my heart.

[mxystan]

recently revamped my "galaxy wangxian brainlist" all the way back from 2019. it's mostly mandopop. see below for annotations with references to specific lines from the novel, color coded for your convenience, because i truly went insane that summer

被遺忘的時光 - 蔡琴 (cover by sodagreen)

"Emperor's Smile! Hey, how about I give you a jar, and you pretend like you never saw me?"

Who is it knocking at my window? Who is it plucking at my strings?

梅西好朋友 – Crowd Lu

"Lan Zhan, let me ask you this: you really do find me vexing, don't you?"

And if we could become friends by the end of the week Like, the best of friends- Then we'll make sure the apocalypse never comes 'Cause it can't until I've taken you out to play!

Neptune - Sleeping at Last

"Wei Ying: you really are a vexing person."

I'm only honest when it rains  An open book, with a torn out page  And my inks run out  I wanna love you but I don't know how

羨雲 - HITA

"You don't know how to say it? Fine, then how about this. If you can't say it, then can you sing? Sing a song for me, alright?"

If I trade a lifetime of wanting for just a glance in return I'll not be bereft once this dream ends

還是會害怕失去你 - Enno Cheng

"Come back to Gusu with me."

You said nothing lasts forever But have you already forgotten? I'm still afraid of losing you

Transcontinental, 1:30 A.M. - Vienna Teng

"When we arrived, you were vacantly sitting on a rock within the cave. Wangji was holding your hand, transmitting spiritual energy to you, lowly murmuring to you the entire time."

Wait, don’t let this line go slack  I want to bring you back to where I know you  Oh, wait, don’t give up on this yet  I just want you to let you let me hold you

It Will Come Back - Hozier

"And from beginning to end, you only repeated a single phrase to him: Get lost!"

Don't let me in with with no intention to keep me Jesus Christ, don't be kind to me Honey, don't feed me, I will come back

玉仔的心 - Enno Cheng

To drink that which he had drunk, to suffer the hurts he'd suffered. To this day, this wound has scabbed over for 13 years.

Your unchanging desire drowns in the chaos of the city But you still hold onto your jade rabbit heart

何以歌 - Aki阿杰

A specific melody rose to the top of his mind. He calmed himself, and played that different phrase.

Thinking time has already forgotten me I am but a melancholy traveller on this earth But just who has left sentiment behind? The cold breeze that blows over the old city Once again resounds like summons from a flute And in this moment, just what is this song for?

Funny Little Frog - Belle & Sebastian

"How strange, that such a boring person could make me so happy!"

I had a conversation with you at night  It's a little one sided but that's alright I tell you in the kitchen about my day  You sit on the bed in the dark changing places  With the ghost that was there before you came  You've come to save my life again

Shrike – Hozier

"I remember now, Lan Zhan. Just like this. I... did carry you before."

I was hushed by your warmth, thus transformed By your grounded and giving and darkening scorn Remember me, love, when I'm reborn As the shrike to your sharp and glorious thorn

Eric’s Song - Vienna Teng 

"Lan Zhan! Back then, at the cave of the Xuanwu of Slaughter, what was the name of that song you sang for me?"

Strange how I fit into you  There's a distance erased with the greatest of ease  Strange how you fit into me  A gentle warmth filling the deepest of needs

月光備忘錄 - Crowd Lu

"If he catches me, I'll..."

Would you still indulge me in times of danger? You'll stay with me, quietly embracing me Truth lies in your hand holding onto my emptiness The moonlight protecting us as we sway to its rhythm

Pink in the Night - Mitski

"I adore you, love you, want you, can't bear to be without you, whatever you."

It's like a summer shower With every drop of rain singing "I love you, I love you, I love you!”

聽見下雨的聲音 - Jay Chou

Somewhere along the way, the soft rains had become a torrent. Outside of the Guanyin Temple, the lanterns had long been extinguished, drenching their surroundings in pitch black. Wei Wuxian could not make a sound. In the darkness, Lan Wangji had already drawn him into a fierce embrace, stopping his mouth.

So finally I hear the sound of rain And the world wakes up around me From the beginning, you've been within reach Quietly, steadily, you've been by my side

起風了 - 吳青峰

Just like before, Wei Wuxian smiled as he called to him, and he turned to look back. From that moment on, he could never have averted his eyes again.

And finally I've returned my youth to him Along with the midsummers played from my fingertips Every movement of our hearts gone with the wind

忘羨 – 吳恩，余夏

忘羨一曲遠，曲終人不散。

No matter when our song ends, let us not separate again.

[audioaperture]

The Dangerous Summer - Chicago 7.12.24

There are bands that consistently deliver remarkable albums yet somehow slip under the radar. For me, The Dangerous Summer epitomizes this phenomenon. With a flawless discography, they've never released a bad album.

Music hits harder when it comes from a deeply personal place, using real names and locations. This authenticity is why artists like Taylor Swift resonate so widely. AJ Perdomo of The Dangerous Summer channels this approach masterfully, singing with raw, unfiltered emotion. His intensity is palpable—every note, every lyric, you feel it as if it's your own story.

My journey with The Dangerous Summer began with "No One's Gonna Need You More," a quintessential emo anthem from their 2011 album "War Paint." Delving deeper into "War Paint" and their earlier album "Reach for the Sun," I discovered two masterpieces where every track stands out. By this time I thought for sure I was the last to hear about them, who could ignore such perfection?

Following "War Paint" were the equally stellar "Golden Record" and their self-titled album, which emerged after a hiatus. This album features my favorite track, "This Is Life," a song that captures my feelings better than I ever could (which I expand upon later)

And then came "Mother Nature"—an emo album designed for stadiums. This record not only stands out in their catalog but in the entire genre. It’s innovative and fresh while staying true to their essence. In 2019, it was on constant repeat for me. The transition between "Starting Over / Slow Down" is pure auditory delight, a seamless blend that’s absolutely addictive.

"Way Down," another gem from "Mother Nature," pushes Perdomo’s emotional delivery to new heights, taking that emotional ten to eleven. The album is packed with standout tracks like "Blind Ambition," "Bring Me Back to Life," "Virginia," and "Where Were You When the Sky Opened Up," each one a high point.

After "Mother Nature" came the EP "All That Is Left of the Blue Sky," featuring "Fuck Them All," ironically one of their most (sonically) uplifting and inspirational songs. Their next album, "Coming Home," continued their streak of excellence, and their latest release, "Gravity," is nothing short of fantastic.

"Gravity" opens with "I Feel More Like Myself When I'm Losing It," a track that speaks to the universal artist experience. It's incredibly relatable content.

The Dangerous Summer is more than a fantastic band—they're a band that pours their soul into every song, every piece of artwork, every conversation, and every social media post. Their passion and dedication shine through, making every live show an unforgettable experience. If only they could play a 30-song set, the world would be a better place.

Do yourself a favor and spend time listening to the Dangerous Summer.

Finally, I thought I’d share the video & lyrics to “This is Life,” it’s a short song with no traditional song structure. 3 verses and the chorus is at the end.  It’s concise and shares the sentiment I often feel as an artist and human. For me, the song is about overcoming obstacles, finding your true self, feeling free, letting go of the past, and loving life. I feel inspired after every listen.

There's a change In the wild Shot in waves Pushing time And I see the days Turn to night And taking in all my peripheral thoughts into feeling It's a pulse inside my lungs I see sky where once was ceiling Leaving the fact I can change the world Cause I think I could You used to come my way I used to feel like I could not open up But now I am free

It's a shame This is life With everything at our disposal While we stayed inside Most our lives Hoping to God for a better one until we die I used to hold that chain I used to carry the weight of all my problems here with me But now I come through But now, now I come through

It's awake For the rush The promise of what we all want if we pull from inside Close your eyes The moment is taking me closer, it keeps me alive I used to run away I used to hide from these walls that gave me life But now I can breathe

Do you remember me like I remember you?

[meatriarch]

okay odd kinda tangent ?? im about to go on re: the Grief of a Mother so like tossing it under a readmore for obvious reasons

( cw for grief loss death etc type talk so ignore if necessary! )

but just small Disclaimer that i am Not a parent and so my thoughts on this comes purely secondhand for virginia & mama flores but anyways,

the thing with loss is it manifests and changes and twists so varying across every individual person it touches. in some people it can fester and grow bitter and harsh, it grows teeth and it gnaws on them and rips them apart piece by piece, chunk by chunk, and when it manifests in that way its so very difficult to find a way to work through it. in some people it manifests in scooping out every little bit of them slowly until theres a hollow left between skin and bone. in others it drives them forward, pushes them to the future rather than dwelling on the past. it propels them into living life to the fullest in their loved ones' place, or pulls them to doing hobbies or going places or thinking differently than they did before that piece of their heart was ripped away. its all different in how it manifests.

a mother's grief is something so profound in so many ways because its not only losing a loved one but its quite literally losing someone who was once literally one with you for a time. and that time is so minuscule in comparison to the remainder of ones life.

" its unfair. its so terribly unfair that you, as a mother, end up outliving your own child. "

repeated sentiment.

mothers' grief manifests in carmen flores like shes' been torn open and her heart ripped out from her in the cruelest and most horrible of ways. her daughters are her life, her soul, her heart, and knowing that maria was taken from her, that she was stripped away from living out her life after all the turmoil they went through, all the responsibility she had to take on that took so much living from her - it completely crushes her. theres a guilt that never eases up that she caused her daughter so much pain, so much unnecessary suffering, so much back-burner plans and time with friends and good memories and she will never forgive herself. carmen becomes a shell of herself post-house. even though she tries her best to still be present and loving and attentive to ana, there's simply clearly a gaping, eternally bleeding wound in her chest that can never be sealed, never tended to, never healed. in cases where she loses ana, too? the grief is unbearable. and she follows after her daughters. her health deteriorates rapidly.

mothers' grief for virginia comes more melancholic and steeled, more subdued and harshly swallowed down. she represses alot of her grief. tries to keep forward, level-headed. of course early on when jesse went missing, emotions were higher and harder to pin down and keep under wraps. it was frustration after frustration, dead-end after dead-end. and there was loneliness in it all. with no support for anywhere. with red being overseas. with family at all other corners of the country. virginia, when talking about texas verses, leaves that house with that understanding that she will never fully get closure for what happened to jesse, while simultaneously, knowing - or assuming - what his fate actually had been. grief, for her, is opening the front door to her home and all the lights are still off. theres a stagnant chill in the air, because its gone so long without windows creating cross-breezes throughout its rooms. its the coldness of a folded flag sealed away atop of the mantle in what should be a family room, though that now hosts only a single soul in it. grief is only having known how to make meals for four - one extra to share among her favorite boys' and their family dog - and having to finalize every recipe to fit a single mouth, excluding bites for the pup. grief, for virginia, is desperately trying to keep straight-faced while you talk into the empty air hoping for a familiar voice to answer but getting suffocating silence in return.

mothers' grief is facing unrealistic pressure and guilt and anger in oneself for not protecting your baby. because that is what they always see them as - their babies. carmen sees her little maria, as a wobbly toddler making her way down stone paths into the arms of her abuela and abuelo. virginia sees the rounded, rosied, chubby cheeks of her only boy, made all the more fuller by the toothless grin spread across his face as his dad makes him heartily laugh with the silliest of methods.

and its the pain that comes with it of knowing just how distant those memories are. and that those little faces grew up, and the last time they saw those smiles on their faces they never could have imagined it being the very last time they ever would.

its the guilt of wondering if i told them not to go, would they have stayed?

for carmen, if she had told maria not to go on that trip, alone, at all - would her beautiful girl still be here? if virginia told jesse not to go to out that summer or that break, however that panned out, would he instead have gone back home instead?

its the what-ifs, the guilt-ridden voices in the back of the head that eat away them. answers to questions they will never get. and instead of seeing their kids' smiling, warm, beautiful faces again - they both bury empty caskets, and visit empty graves, and pretend that their kid is down below their feet. because that makes it easier than wondering if they are still out there, somewhere, alive - hurt - and crying out for their mothers.